Kofi Kingston vs.
Chris Motherfucking Jericho
Jericho looks disgusted at Kofi's lameass shit, as
the bell rings. Jericho with a few shots on Kofi to
start off, puts him into the corner, whips to the
opposite corner, Kofi reverses, gets the boots up on
a rush. This takes Jericho to the other corner, Kofi
with his signature Corner Punches, but Jericho puts
his bitch ass down with a Powerbomb out of the
Commercial Thoughts - ADVICE DOG
AND WE'RE BACK, to see Jericho hit Kofi with a
BOOT TO THE HEAD, before Baseball Sliding his bitch
ass to the outside. Jericho goes to the outside,
throws Kingston into the ring. Jericho puts Kofi
into a chinlock, Kofi fights out. No rallying that
time, I guess this crowd is more than the asshats at
Extreme Rules. Kingston (not related to Sean, I'm
sure) puts Jericho into the corner, whips him to the
opposite, goes for a Stinger Splash but Jericho
moves out of the way, and Kingston crashes his
bitchass into the corner. I'm sorry, do I sound
biased? Cover, gets two. Jericho chokes Kofi into
the middle rope, before talking some shit. Kofi
tries to get a few kicks in from the mat, but
Jericho puts that shit away with some kicks of his
own. "Let's go Kofi" chants start, presumebly
because even the WWE audiance has a little too much
dignity to chant "BOOM, BOOM, BOOM" for 30 seconds.
Jericho puts Kofi into another Chinlock, which is
way better than Orton's, by the way. Jericho whips
Kofi to the corner, Kofi bounces off the corner into
a Crossbody on Jericho, for two! Jericho rushes
Kofi, gets a few Double Arm Knife Edges, and a
Jumping Clothesline. Kofi tries for the Boom Drop,
Jericho counters, trying for The Walls!
Kofi counters with an Inside Cradle, however.
Jericho kicks out, goes for the Enziguri, Kingston
ducks, goes for the Trouble In Paradise - Jericho
counters by locking him right into the Walls! No
matter how good your finisher gets at tennis, it'll
never be as good as The Walls! Kofi screams like a
bitchass, before getting to the ropes to break.
Jericho gives the Ref a very well-deserved chewing
out, takes a Dropkick from Kofi. Boom Drop attempt
follows, Jericho rolls out of the way - CRUSHES HIS
MOTHERFUCKING SHIT INTO THE EVERLOVING OBLIVION WITH
THE CODEBREAKER! Kofi's bitchass falls to the
outside, and Jericho has to retrieve him. Dammit.
Jericho pulls Kofi into the ring, goes for the
cover, gets two! Jericho kicks at the bottom rope.
Yeah, take that, you motherfucker, that's what you
get! Jericho punts Kofi's ribs, before asking
"Where's the Boom?" Jericho hits the ropes - walks
into the Trouble In Paradise. Dammit. Kofi goes for
the cover, gets 3. Dammit.
Winner: Kofi Kingston (Dammit)
Rating: *** (Dammit)
Cut TO THE BACK~! to see Jack Swagger, still
pissed like he has been since winning the World
Heavyweight Title. Beating Orton at Extreme Rules
must've really agitated him. He tells us his name is
Jack Swagger, World Heavyweight Champion. I just
told you that..he said after winning the 2002, he
was invited to the White House by our greatest
president in history, George Bush. Trollface.jpg. We
then see a recap of Extreme Rules..wait, that was
it? That was like, a 20 second promo,
Commercial Thoughts - COURAGE WOLF
Cut TO ANOTHER PART OF THE BACK~!, to see
Jericho talking to someone on screen, telling him he
could've used him out there. He says you should've
listened to him before, before asking if he's
listening to him now. Jericho gains a look of
disgust, and starts to leave, before getting KO'd by
the Big Show. Why that no good, lying, trecherous,
untrustworthy, motherfucking son of a fucking bitch,
Bendict Arnold of a cocksucka motherfucka! Speaking
of which, Chavo Guerrero in the ring, with a mic.
He says there's no need to adjust your TV sets or
rub your eyes, it's true - Chavo is back on
SmackDown!. He talks shit on the RAW Guest Hosts,
before mentioning that their are now two Guerreros
on SD, him and Vickie. He and Vickie are like this,
which is much less of an emphatic statement without
any hands to show. He says to go ahead and put your
hands together, take out you cell phones and text
your friends, as Chavo Guerrero is back. So. Yeah.
THE FLAMES BURST AND OUT COMES KANE! CHOKESLAM TO
CHAVO, KANE SAYS WELCOME BACK! BECAUSE OF COURSE
THIS IS HOW HE RETURNS! YOU'RE DUMB IF YOU THOUGHT
THAT PROMO MEANT ANYTHING! CAPITALS!
Up next, we get John Morrison in his last SD! match
against Cody Rhodes in his first SD! match.
Commercial Thoughts - PHILOSORAPTOR
Cut TO THE BACK~! to see Shad Gaspard. He says
all the new faces from RAW think it's their time.
But their wrong, for it is Shad's time. SHAD'S
TIIIIIME! SHAD'S TIIIIME! SHAD'S TIIIIIIIIIIIIME!
Yo, who's sleeping with who around here?! Before the
match, they hype the Over The Limit PPV, saying it's
an innovative concept. What is that concept? I have
no fucking idea. They just say it's a great idea,
without ever mentioning a single detail until the
day of the PPV. It's an awesome marketing strategy,
John Morrison vs.
Chimel pronounces his name as Cody Roodes. IT
PAYTHS TO BE ROODESTH. Circling, Morrison tries to
get a Single Leg, Rhodes escapes via ropebreak. Cody
shoves Morrison, Morrison forearms him in return.
That reminds me of whenever people "retaliate" to
you accidentally bumping into them, by hitting you
way harder then you ever did. "Oh, you slightly
nudged me on the back? Okay, I'll just get you back
by hurling you off a pier. There, now we're even."
Morrison advances on Rhodes, Rhodes SWEEPS THE LEG
of Morrison, takes him to the corner, then stomps
him to the mat. Morrison counters a punch with a
punch, to the opposite corner, whips him to the
previous corner, Rhodes with a floatover, hits the
ropes - gets nailed with a Double Leg Lariat from
Morrison, followed up by a Standing Shooting Star
Press, for two! Rhodes takes a breather on the
outside, but Morrison gives chase, and rams him
against the barricade. Rhodes catches Morrison with
an elbow to the stomach, then jumps off the steps
with a Bicycle-ish Kick! Nice. COMMERCIALS!
Commercial Thoughts - BACHELOR FROG
AND WE'RE BACK~!, to see Cody put Morrison in a
Facelock. Morrison fights out into the corner,
Snapmares him out of it, only to catch a Dropkick
from Rhodes, for two. Rhodes with a Gordbuster
Suplex, followed up by a Knee Drop for two.
Facelock/Armbar on Morrison. Morrison gets a few
shots to Rhodes' ribs, but Rhodes pulls him down to
the mat by the hair. Rhodes beats on Morrison, poses
a few times. Morrison fights back, puts him into a
corner, whips to the opposite one, charges - Rhodes
with an elbow, off the top with a Moonsault, into
punches! This gets two! Rhodes with a Scoop Slam of
DESPAIR, before going for the Knee Drop of DESPAIR,
Morrison gets out of the way, nails a Dropkick of
DESPAIR. EVERY MOVE IS DESPAIRABLE. Morrison fights
back, hits a Clothesline and a Shoulderblock, whips
Rhodes to the ropes, goes for a Back Body Drop, Cody
escapes behind Morrison, Morrison with a Go Behind,
Roll-Up off the ropes, gets two, FLYING CHUCK KICK,
stops the too-damn-fast-to-recap pace! FACT: The
Flying Chuck Kick does not have an ankle under it's
fur. THERE IS ONLY ANOTHER FOOT. This badass, top
dog of a move gets two.
Morrison pulls Rhodes up, goes for a suplex - Cody
slips out the back, goes for the Crossrhodes, only
for Morrison to counter with a Flapjack! This gets
two. Morrison goes for the Starship Pain - Rhodes
gets out of the way, however. Morrison dashes
Rhodes, gets Back Body Dropped to the apron.
Morrison tries to get back in with a Headscissors,
only for Rhodes to counter with an Alabama Slam!
That'll bring back some Tough Enough nightmares!
This only gets two, however. Morrison catches Cody
from the mat with a kick, nails the Strange Daze!
Grisham lies to the people by telling them he's won
a lot of matches with that move. NO SOUP FOR YOU.
This gets another nearfall. Morrison tries to pull
Rhodes up - gets a Jawbreaker. Rhodes grabs Morrison
- gets nailed with the PELE KICK! THE PELE! THE
PELE! THE PELE! GOOD GOD, THE PELE! CAN YOU BELEIVE
IT, MIKE TENAY?! Morrison rushes Rhodes, Rhodes
ducks a clothesline - nails the Crossrhodes! Rhodes
debuts with a victoly!
Winner: Cody Rhodes
Might be being slightly generous, but **2/3
didn't feel like quite enough for this match. A very
solid match here, Rhodes has definately improved his
Cut TO THE BACK~!, for another Second With
Swagger™. He says something about being the Team
Captain of the Oklahoma Sooners, but the files I got
skipped a few seconds between Part 2 and Part 3, so
I'm not sure where it lead. I assume he said that we
should totally a Coca-Cola bottle. I agree.
We see Edge...WALK~! IS THERE NO STANDARD ANYMORE?!
Highlight vid plays of Edge spearing Orton last
lolfacesattackingtweenerstobecometweeners. Out comes
Edge to the ring, with a mic. He says that
unfortunately he was drafted this Monday, and he
doesn't want to go. Because SmackDown! has always
felt like his show and his home, and the people felt
like his family, and have supported him at times
when he didn't deserve it, and I HATE PLASTIC
SURGEONS AND HOPE THEY ALL FUCKING DIIIIIIIIEEE! He
just wants to say thank you, and I love you, to all
of the fans. Out comes Christian to stop this
RAMPANT FAGGOTRY. He's dressed in his greatest 90's
movie badass wear, as he comes to the ring with a
mic. Striker asks for five seconds for flash
photography. Edge says he knows why he's out there,
but he just has to say - Edge and Christian! Edge
tells him that he's his best friend, and he wants to
wish him luck on SmackDown!. Xian says he
appreciates him bringing up them being best friends.
He says that some may not know of the E&C thing, and
recalls them growing up together, getting into the
WWE together, becomming 7-time Tag Team Champions
together, going through surgery to get their bodies
seperated together, losing their virginity together,
being Drawn..Together. This means that Xian knows
Edge better than anybody, better than he knows
himself. It also means that every single word that
came out of his mouth was a LOAD.
Edge asks where this is coming from. Xian says that
Edge has had an amazing career, coming back from so
many injuries, and that Edge doesn't know quite how
much they respect him - but they didn't respect
them. Xian accuses him of using the fans to get what
they want. Edge is all OH, I SEE HOW IT IS. Edge
seems to accuse Xian of being jealous, asking how
many World Titles he's won. Xian says he will become
a World Champion, and he'll do it on his own, not
because he had to step on other people's necks. Xian
says he won't let him change the subject, and call
him out in front of the universe. Xian says he's
going to tell him what he is - and if the people
don't know, now they know, nigga, uh - and that's a
liar. Edge says Xian is right - he can't wait to get
off this show, and his being making the fans dance
around saying "Spear, Spear, Spear" anytime he wants
them to. Say it ain't so, my love is a heartbreaker.
Edge says that he played the entire world - and he
enjoyed every second of it. Christian that ever
since he came back to the WWE, the peeps, the boys,
everyone's been asking when E&C were reuniting - but
it donned on him, that Edge used him too. He says he
doesn't want to see Edge and Christian anymore. He'd
rather see Edge vs. Christian..TONIGHT~! Edge takes
his jacket off, before saying no. Xian starts to
respond, only to take a Big Boot! Edge goes for the
Spear, but Christian takes him down with a kick!
They brawl across the mat, Xian goes for the
Killswitch, but Edge escapes up to the stage! Xian
gets back on the mic, and says he has a better chant
than "Spear, Spear, Spear" - and begins the Na, Na,
Na, goodbye chant. Haven't heard that in a while.
Well..that promo didn't go quite how I thought it
Commercial Thoughts - SOCIALLY AWKWARD PENGUIN
AND WE'RE BACK~!, to see Matthews come up to
Edge and asks if we're ever going to see E vs. C.
Edge says that he doesn't think that work out well
for Xian, only to meet Big Show. Show says it's too
bad we won't see Edge vs. Christian, and too bad
they won't see Edge vs. Big Show either. He then
punches Edge right the fuck out. Dude. Two words.
In the arena, LayCool are in the ring wearing
shirts that insult Kelly Kelly. Out comes Phoenix
and Kelly to face them off.
Beth Phoenix and
Kelly Kelly vs. Michelle McCool and Layla
Michelle starts off beating Kelly into the corner.
They proceed to have a manly little shoving contest.
GOD, GUYS, JUST WHIP 'EM OUT AND MEASURE 'EM
ALREADY! ..oh, wait. McCool stops this with a kick,
whips Kelly to the ropes, Kelly counters with a
headscissors. Kelly with a clothesline, followed by
a Rana, for two. Michelle whips Kelly to the corner,
Kelly tries for a floatover headscissors, but Kelly
is shoved to the apron. Kelly catches McCool with a
shoulder thrust, then takes out Layla on the floor.
As the Ref is busy with Phoenix, Vickie shoulder
blocks Kelly. Wow. Michelle goes to the outside,
rams Kelly into the barricade, throws her into the
ring, cover gets two. Michelle goes for a Powerbomb,
Kelly counters with a Rana! Kelly goes for the tag,
Michelle grabs a leg, Kelly goes for the Enziguri,
but it..well, gets botched, and they decide not to
do the hot tag off it. Instead, Michelle tags in
Layla, who attacks Kelly on the mat, goes for a
legdrop, Kelly rolls out of the way and tags in
Phoenix! Phoenix attacks LayCool, sends Layla into
the corner, then nails her with a headbutt off the
rebound. Phoenix goes for a Military Press, but
Layla slips out the back and dropkicks her into the
corner. Layla rushes Phoenix, gets caught with an
elbow - Phoenix goes up top for a Flying
Clothesline! Phoenix goes for the Glam Slam, in
comes Michelle, Layla gets thrown into Michelle,
before being taken out with a Slingshot Suplex!
Phoenix tags in Kelly who finishes Layla off with a
dumbass step-up legdrop to the back of the head.
Winner: Beth Phoenix and Kelly
Would've gotten an extra half-point if the Glam
Slam had finished it, frankly.
Another Second With Swagger™ here. Did you know
that as a Junior in high school, he turned down
universities such as Miami, Stanford, and USC? Did
you care? Same answers to both, I'm guessing.
Cut to see Chris Masters backstage, who titjumps to
the SD! theme. He compares this to internet memes.
Not far off.
Out comes Dolph Ziggler, who still has him
dropkicking Santa Claus in his titantron, I notice.
He pulls out a microphone, and says that he did
everyone on SD! a huge favor last Monday, in the
proudest moment of his career. Recap of him losing
to Horny by count out last Monday, before putting in
a Sleeper. That's...that's beautiful..I love this
guy. He says no one will ever see that little
trollface.jpg on SD!. He put him to sleep, and now
he's in leprachan heaven. Suddenly, the crowd gets
silent as he says this..as if they actually think he
might be dead. Highlight vid of Drew McIntyre
killshitting Matt Hardy last week.
We go TO THE BACK~!, where Matthews tries to get an
update from Matt Hardy. Matt says that the attack
last week took a physical and psychological toll on
him. He sounds so very bored as he says this. Like,
seriously, he doesn't care at all. McIntyre barges
in, in dress pants but without a shirt, as if he was
just changing before he heard this awful promo, and
decided he needed to stop it. He's a damned good
man. Nails the Future Shock DDT onto the floor.
Commercial thoughts - SUCCESS KID
And we're BACK~! wit ya boy, JTG, who's
thinking to himself - self, what's next for JTG? He
says to himself, he'd look pretty fly with some gold
around yo waist, boi! He agrees with himself, and
says if SD feels him, get at him. Words to live by.
SES out next. You know, with Punk kneeling down and
Gallows doing the Raven taunt during the entrance,
Serena seems a little awkward just standing there.
Punk keeps playing with his hair, aluding to the win
over Mysterio at Extreme Rules. Punk takes up a mic,
and says he knows everyone in the WWE Universe that
Rey Mysterio would defeat him and rape his dignity.
He says that he said he'd beat Rey, and he did -
calling this a sobering reality. He tells us that
Gallows and Serena were unfairly ejected, but he
still won by himself. Punk says he's straightedge,
better and stronger than everyone else, only to be
interupted by MVP? MVP says the modern day mack is
back~. 'P apologizes to the crowd for having to go
through Punk's sermons every week. 'P says that the
only saving done tonight is from him - and that he
shall save the crowd from being saved. 'P says he
remembers when Friday night's were cool, mentioning
the VIP Lounge. 'P says he can't make a lot of
promises in his life, but one that he can make is
that Friday are getting drugged up again - I assume
that's the implication in this - as he attacks SES.
Mysterio comes out next, takes Gallows to the
outside, they try to double team Punk, but Gallows
pulls to the outside. COMMERCIALS
Commercial Thoughts - Was going to put
DEPRESSION DOG here, but decided all the ones on
YouTube kinda suck, so instead, here's a commercial
that relates to them;
MVP and Rey Mysterio
vs. CM Punk and Luke Gallows
Fun-fact: MVP has a brother on the Indy Scene. His
name? Why, VIP, of course. I've said it once and
I'll say it again; originality is for the weak.
Gallows and MVP start us off. They brawl for a bit,
MVP with a Flying Forearm, MVP tags out to Rey-Rey,
'P wheelbarrows Mysterio onto Gallows, for two!
Mysterio takes it to Gallows for a few strikes,
Gallows goes for an Oklahoma Slam, Mysterio tries to
counter wtih a DDT, Gallows shoves him to the ropes,
Mysterio rebounds into a Big Boot! Cover, off this,
gets two. Gallows rains down punches like..well,
rain, before tagging in Punk. Punk stomps Rey into
the corner. Punk pulls Mysterio the center of the
ring, Back Suplexes his nappy-masked head to the
mat. Quick running legdrop gets two, Punk locks him
a Headscissors. Rey-Rey kicks his way out, but Punk
catches him in the corner, and tags in Gallows. Punk
Snap Suplexes Rey-Rey, into a splash of Gallows, for
two. Gallows with a Snap Uppercut - the Elephantitus
just doesn't seem to affect him at all, he's such a
trooper. Punk tagged in, Standing Spinebusters Rey
down for a two count. Punk whips Mysterio into the
corner, Floatover Headscissors into a DDT out
of the corner from Mysterio! Gallows and MVP are
tagged in, and guess who gets the hot tag - yep,
MVP, who unloads on Gallows, nailing a Knee
Facebuster, before hitting a (not to the) Ball(s)ing
Elbow to Gallows. 'P goes for the cover, Punk breaks
it up, but Mysterio intercepts him with a West Coast
Pop. 'P takes Gallows to the middle ropes - Mysterio
nails the 619, and Gallows stumbles into a
Kinda-sorta Flatliner, for the pin and the win!
Winners: MVP and Rey Mysterio
Eh, kind of expected better from that.
Post-match, as 'P and Mysterio celebrate seperately,
in comes the Mystery Man from Extreme Rules - again,
clearly Brett DiBiase - to nail the SVR Default
Neckbreaker on Mysterio.
Second With Swagger™ yet a-damn-gain. Did you know
that he graduated, with honors, with a perfect 4.0
GPA, and as an academic All-American, was recently
invited back to give the keynote adress at the 2010
commencement ceremony? Did you know that I'm riding
this horse backwards? Yah! COMMERCIALS!
Commercial Thoughts - C
When we come back, Jack Swagger comes out. Man.
It's the first he's come out tonight, but I feel
like we've been seeing him all throughout the show.
How odd. His FML reign continues, as he gets on the
mic and asks why the hell they had him win the
title. He tells us that he was simply bluffing when
he was talking about wanting to win the belt, and
that he never actually wanted the damned thing. He
tells us how awful it's been, since the very second
he pinned Chris Jericho to take it - how he hasn't a
single moment of happiness since that fateful day.
He tells us that he's going to leave now, to go and
get a Live Journal. Okay, actually, he didn't say a
damned bit of that. What he actually says is that
when he was growing up, he was about two years old
when his father sat him down. The crowd's booing is
so intense, he can barely speak. This is good. The
booing increases every time he speaks. This is
getting to Vickie Guerrero territory here..he says
that his father, (Blastoise) told him son, one day
you'll be a World Champion. By the time he had
reached five, he had already completed the first
grade and was already taller than most midgets. When
he was 12, he won the NFL Punt/Pass/Kick
Competition. Someone should factcheck that. In the
same year, he acheived Eagle Scout status. Mother of
God. "You suck" chant starts, so Swagger starts
playing to the crowd, saying "You want more?" and
lists his SAT scores from when he was 16. HAI, MAI
AGE!!11!! He mentions getting into the University of
Oklahoma for the ninth time tonight, saying he had a
free full scholarship, and graduated Magne Cum
Laude.....heh heh. He continues blowing himself, as
the crowd just eats it up. He says that his favorite
and greatest achievment, was winning the World
Heavyweight Championship...OF THE WORLD! 30 days
ago, he once again sat down with Daddy Blastoise -
and he told him, son...I am dissapoint. He tells us
that he shall be World Champion until he retires.
Finally, out comes Teddy Long.
Long says that we've heard just about enough. He
says he knows that the WWE Universe wants to hear
who the new No.1 Contender is. So he announces
it..as teh Big Show. Well, I knew all this donkey
punching was leading to something, I guess I
should've guessed this. This does look like
something of an interesting match, actually. Show
has a mic. Show tells us to give Swagger a golfclap
for all his accomplishments. Show said that on the
day he was born, the doctor said OH MAH
GAAAAAAAAAAAAHD! Show says that Swagger is many
things, but he is not the World's Largest Athlete. I
beleive the crowd starts chanting "Fuck Him Up!"
here. Could be wrong, but I assume it's correct and
so should you. Show says there's just one little
thing he needs to add to his resume - an early
retirement. You know what..that's a damned good
line. Consider it stolen. BOOM,
HEADSHOT, Show takes him out with a punch. YOU JUST
GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT, G! And it is on that note,
that we are finishing up here. Be seeing you next
week. Except, well, I won't be seeing you,
'cause..you know. The internet doesn't work that
As is typical, none of the matches were bad, all
solid, some very entertaining contests.
Specifically, I think I might just give this to
Morrison/Rhodes, match-wise. The Edge/Christian
confrontation was great as well, not to mention very
THE BAD: Kelly
Kelly's lame little legdrop finish. Dunno if she's
been doing it a lot recently, as I rarely watch RAW
anymore, (Or see it in Burge's recaps..WE COMIN' FO
YOU, NIGGA!) but yeah. Think I'll be calling it the
Faildrop from now on.
THE UGLY: Chavo
getting mictime just to get buried again..I just
don't know if I see the point.
Jordan Huie is an
incredibly sweet and innocent 16 year old, that's
American by birth, and Southern BAH THE GRACE OF
GAWD! Some people call him Zeel1. Some people call
him TheYTViewer. Some people call him Y2Z. Some
people call him Maurrriiice~! *Wah-wow!* His typical
attire is a combo of T-Shirts with Affliction-esque
designs, leather jackets, sunglasses, and
Houndstooth Fedoras, which he enjoys wearing, even
with the knowledge that it makes him look like Jimmy
Hart's rebellious grandson. His first contact with
any other living being was of a horse with a busted
leg, who's owner shot himself, because he couldn't
bare the weight of shooting said horse. Jordan,
naturally, named the horse "Lucky", and Lucky walked
through many mountains and valleys, despite his
searing pains, to bring Jordan to his parents. His
parents, in return, immediately shot Lucky, to show
their appreciation. It is believed that this
experience is what makes him the teenager he is