Jericho looks disgusted at Kofi's lameass shit, as the bell rings. Jericho with a few shots on Kofi to start off, puts him into the corner, whips to the opposite corner, Kofi reverses, gets the boots up on a rush. This takes Jericho to the other corner, Kofi with his signature Corner Punches, but Jericho puts his bitch ass down with a Powerbomb out of the corner! COMMERCIALS!

 

Commercial Thoughts - ADVICE DOG

 

AND WE'RE BACK, to see Jericho hit Kofi with a BOOT TO THE HEAD, before Baseball Sliding his bitch ass to the outside. Jericho goes to the outside, throws Kingston into the ring. Jericho puts Kofi into a chinlock, Kofi fights out. No rallying that time, I guess this crowd is more than the asshats at Extreme Rules. Kingston (not related to Sean, I'm sure) puts Jericho into the corner, whips him to the opposite, goes for a Stinger Splash but Jericho moves out of the way, and Kingston crashes his bitchass into the corner. I'm sorry, do I sound biased? Cover, gets two. Jericho chokes Kofi into the middle rope, before talking some shit. Kofi tries to get a few kicks in from the mat, but Jericho puts that shit away with some kicks of his own. "Let's go Kofi" chants start, presumebly because even the WWE audiance has a little too much dignity to chant "BOOM, BOOM, BOOM" for 30 seconds. Jericho puts Kofi into another Chinlock, which is way better than Orton's, by the way. Jericho whips Kofi to the corner, Kofi bounces off the corner into a Crossbody on Jericho, for two! Jericho rushes Kofi, gets a few Double Arm Knife Edges, and a Jumping Clothesline. Kofi tries for the Boom Drop, Jericho counters, trying for The Walls!

 

Kofi counters with an Inside Cradle, however. Jericho kicks out, goes for the Enziguri, Kingston ducks, goes for the Trouble In Paradise - Jericho counters by locking him right into the Walls! No matter how good your finisher gets at tennis, it'll never be as good as The Walls! Kofi screams like a bitchass, before getting to the ropes to break. Jericho gives the Ref a very well-deserved chewing out, takes a Dropkick from Kofi. Boom Drop attempt follows, Jericho rolls out of the way - CRUSHES HIS MOTHERFUCKING SHIT INTO THE EVERLOVING OBLIVION WITH THE CODEBREAKER! Kofi's bitchass falls to the outside, and Jericho has to retrieve him. Dammit. Jericho pulls Kofi into the ring, goes for the cover, gets two! Jericho kicks at the bottom rope. Yeah, take that, you motherfucker, that's what you get! Jericho punts Kofi's ribs, before asking "Where's the Boom?" Jericho hits the ropes - walks into the Trouble In Paradise. Dammit. Kofi goes for the cover, gets 3. Dammit.

 

Winner: Kofi Kingston (Dammit)

 

Rating: *** (Dammit)

 

Dammit.

 

Cut TO THE BACK~! to see Jack Swagger, still pissed like he has been since winning the World Heavyweight Title. Beating Orton at Extreme Rules must've really agitated him. He tells us his name is Jack Swagger, World Heavyweight Champion. I just told you that..he said after winning the 2002, he was invited to the White House by our greatest president in history, George Bush. Trollface.jpg. We then see a recap of Extreme Rules..wait, that was it? That was like, a 20 second promo, geeze..COMMERCIALS!

 

Commercial Thoughts - COURAGE WOLF

 

Cut TO ANOTHER PART OF THE BACK~!, to see Jericho talking to someone on screen, telling him he could've used him out there. He says you should've listened to him before, before asking if he's listening to him now. Jericho gains a look of disgust, and starts to leave, before getting KO'd by the Big Show. Why that no good, lying, trecherous, untrustworthy, motherfucking son of a fucking bitch, Bendict Arnold of a cocksucka motherfucka! Speaking of which, Chavo Guerrero in the ring, with a mic.

 

He says there's no need to adjust your TV sets or rub your eyes, it's true - Chavo is back on SmackDown!. He talks shit on the RAW Guest Hosts, before mentioning that their are now two Guerreros on SD, him and Vickie. He and Vickie are like this, which is much less of an emphatic statement without any hands to show. He says to go ahead and put your hands together, take out you cell phones and text your friends, as Chavo Guerrero is back. So. Yeah. THE FLAMES BURST AND OUT COMES KANE! CHOKESLAM TO CHAVO, KANE SAYS WELCOME BACK! BECAUSE OF COURSE THIS IS HOW HE RETURNS! YOU'RE DUMB IF YOU THOUGHT THAT PROMO MEANT ANYTHING! CAPITALS!

 

Up next, we get John Morrison in his last SD! match against Cody Rhodes in his first SD! match. COMMERCIALS

 

Commercial Thoughts - PHILOSORAPTOR

 

Cut TO THE BACK~! to see Shad Gaspard. He says all the new faces from RAW think it's their time. But their wrong, for it is Shad's time. SHAD'S TIIIIIME! SHAD'S TIIIIME! SHAD'S TIIIIIIIIIIIIME! Yo, who's sleeping with who around here?! Before the match, they hype the Over The Limit PPV, saying it's an innovative concept. What is that concept? I have no fucking idea. They just say it's a great idea, without ever mentioning a single detail until the day of the PPV. It's an awesome marketing strategy, really.

 

 

Chimel pronounces his name as Cody Roodes. IT PAYTHS TO BE ROODESTH. Circling, Morrison tries to get a Single Leg, Rhodes escapes via ropebreak. Cody shoves Morrison, Morrison forearms him in return. That reminds me of whenever people "retaliate" to you accidentally bumping into them, by hitting you way harder then you ever did. "Oh, you slightly nudged me on the back? Okay, I'll just get you back by hurling you off a pier. There, now we're even." Morrison advances on Rhodes, Rhodes SWEEPS THE LEG of Morrison, takes him to the corner, then stomps him to the mat. Morrison counters a punch with a punch, to the opposite corner, whips him to the previous corner, Rhodes with a floatover, hits the ropes - gets nailed with a Double Leg Lariat from Morrison, followed up by a Standing Shooting Star Press, for two! Rhodes takes a breather on the outside, but Morrison gives chase, and rams him against the barricade. Rhodes catches Morrison with an elbow to the stomach, then jumps off the steps with a Bicycle-ish Kick! Nice. COMMERCIALS!

 

Commercial Thoughts - BACHELOR FROG

 

AND WE'RE BACK~!, to see Cody put Morrison in a Facelock. Morrison fights out into the corner, Snapmares him out of it, only to catch a Dropkick from Rhodes, for two. Rhodes with a Gordbuster Suplex, followed up by a Knee Drop for two. Facelock/Armbar on Morrison. Morrison gets a few shots to Rhodes' ribs, but Rhodes pulls him down to the mat by the hair. Rhodes beats on Morrison, poses a few times. Morrison fights back, puts him into a corner, whips to the opposite one, charges - Rhodes with an elbow, off the top with a Moonsault, into punches! This gets two! Rhodes with a Scoop Slam of DESPAIR, before going for the Knee Drop of DESPAIR, Morrison gets out of the way, nails a Dropkick of DESPAIR. EVERY MOVE IS DESPAIRABLE. Morrison fights back, hits a Clothesline and a Shoulderblock, whips Rhodes to the ropes, goes for a Back Body Drop, Cody escapes behind Morrison, Morrison with a Go Behind, Roll-Up off the ropes, gets two, FLYING CHUCK KICK, stops the too-damn-fast-to-recap pace! FACT: The Flying Chuck Kick does not have an ankle under it's fur. THERE IS ONLY ANOTHER FOOT. This badass, top dog of a move gets two.

 

Morrison pulls Rhodes up, goes for a suplex - Cody slips out the back, goes for the Crossrhodes, only for Morrison to counter with a Flapjack! This gets two. Morrison goes for the Starship Pain - Rhodes gets out of the way, however. Morrison dashes Rhodes, gets Back Body Dropped to the apron. Morrison tries to get back in with a Headscissors, only for Rhodes to counter with an Alabama Slam! That'll bring back some Tough Enough nightmares! This only gets two, however. Morrison catches Cody from the mat with a kick, nails the Strange Daze! Grisham lies to the people by telling them he's won a lot of matches with that move. NO SOUP FOR YOU. This gets another nearfall. Morrison tries to pull Rhodes up - gets a Jawbreaker. Rhodes grabs Morrison - gets nailed with the PELE KICK! THE PELE! THE PELE! THE PELE! GOOD GOD, THE PELE! CAN YOU BELEIVE IT, MIKE TENAY?! Morrison rushes Rhodes, Rhodes ducks a clothesline - nails the Crossrhodes! Rhodes debuts with a victoly!

 

Winner: Cody Rhodes

 

Rating: ***

 

Might be being slightly generous, but **2/3 didn't feel like quite enough for this match. A very solid match here, Rhodes has definately improved his ringwork.

 

Cut TO THE BACK~!, for another Second With Swagger™. He says something about being the Team Captain of the Oklahoma Sooners, but the files I got skipped a few seconds between Part 2 and Part 3, so I'm not sure where it lead. I assume he said that we should totally a Coca-Cola bottle. I agree.

 

We see Edge...WALK~! IS THERE NO STANDARD ANYMORE?! Highlight vid plays of Edge spearing Orton last Monday, because lolfacesattackingtweenerstobecometweeners. Out comes Edge to the ring, with a mic. He says that unfortunately he was drafted this Monday, and he doesn't want to go. Because SmackDown! has always felt like his show and his home, and the people felt like his family, and have supported him at times when he didn't deserve it, and I HATE PLASTIC SURGEONS AND HOPE THEY ALL FUCKING DIIIIIIIIEEE! He just wants to say thank you, and I love you, to all of the fans. Out comes Christian to stop this RAMPANT FAGGOTRY. He's dressed in his greatest 90's movie badass wear, as he comes to the ring with a mic. Striker asks for five seconds for flash photography. Edge says he knows why he's out there, but he just has to say - Edge and Christian! Edge tells him that he's his best friend, and he wants to wish him luck on SmackDown!. Xian says he appreciates him bringing up them being best friends. He says that some may not know of the E&C thing, and recalls them growing up together, getting into the WWE together, becomming 7-time Tag Team Champions together, going through surgery to get their bodies seperated together, losing their virginity together, being Drawn..Together. This means that Xian knows Edge better than anybody, better than he knows himself. It also means that every single word that came out of his mouth was a LOAD.

 

Edge asks where this is coming from. Xian says that Edge has had an amazing career, coming back from so many injuries, and that Edge doesn't know quite how much they respect him - but they didn't respect them. Xian accuses him of using the fans to get what they want. Edge is all OH, I SEE HOW IT IS. Edge seems to accuse Xian of being jealous, asking how many World Titles he's won. Xian says he will become a World Champion, and he'll do it on his own, not because he had to step on other people's necks. Xian says he won't let him change the subject, and call him out in front of the universe. Xian says he's going to tell him what he is - and if the people don't know, now they know, nigga, uh - and that's a liar. Edge says Xian is right - he can't wait to get off this show, and his being making the fans dance around saying "Spear, Spear, Spear" anytime he wants them to. Say it ain't so, my love is a heartbreaker. Edge says that he played the entire world - and he enjoyed every second of it. Christian that ever since he came back to the WWE, the peeps, the boys, everyone's been asking when E&C were reuniting - but it donned on him, that Edge used him too. He says he doesn't want to see Edge and Christian anymore. He'd rather see Edge vs. Christian..TONIGHT~! Edge takes his jacket off, before saying no. Xian starts to respond, only to take a Big Boot! Edge goes for the Spear, but Christian takes him down with a kick! They brawl across the mat, Xian goes for the Killswitch, but Edge escapes up to the stage! Xian gets back on the mic, and says he has a better chant than "Spear, Spear, Spear" - and begins the Na, Na, Na, goodbye chant. Haven't heard that in a while.

 

Well..that promo didn't go quite how I thought it would.

 

COMMERCIALS!

 

Commercial Thoughts - SOCIALLY AWKWARD PENGUIN

 

AND WE'RE BACK~!, to see Matthews come up to Edge and asks if we're ever going to see E vs. C. Edge says that he doesn't think that work out well for Xian, only to meet Big Show. Show says it's too bad we won't see Edge vs. Christian, and too bad they won't see Edge vs. Big Show either. He then punches Edge right the fuck out. Dude. Two words. ANGER. MANAGEMENT.

 

In the arena, LayCool are in the ring wearing shirts that insult Kelly Kelly. Out comes Phoenix and Kelly to face them off.

 

 

Michelle starts off beating Kelly into the corner. They proceed to have a manly little shoving contest. GOD, GUYS, JUST WHIP 'EM OUT AND MEASURE 'EM ALREADY! ..oh, wait. McCool stops this with a kick, whips Kelly to the ropes, Kelly counters with a headscissors. Kelly with a clothesline, followed by a Rana, for two. Michelle whips Kelly to the corner, Kelly tries for a floatover headscissors, but Kelly is shoved to the apron. Kelly catches McCool with a shoulder thrust, then takes out Layla on the floor. As the Ref is busy with Phoenix, Vickie shoulder blocks Kelly. Wow. Michelle goes to the outside, rams Kelly into the barricade, throws her into the ring, cover gets two. Michelle goes for a Powerbomb, Kelly counters with a Rana! Kelly goes for the tag, Michelle grabs a leg, Kelly goes for the Enziguri, but it..well, gets botched, and they decide not to do the hot tag off it. Instead, Michelle tags in Layla, who attacks Kelly on the mat, goes for a legdrop, Kelly rolls out of the way and tags in Phoenix! Phoenix attacks LayCool, sends Layla into the corner, then nails her with a headbutt off the rebound. Phoenix goes for a Military Press, but Layla slips out the back and dropkicks her into the corner. Layla rushes Phoenix, gets caught with an elbow - Phoenix goes up top for a Flying Clothesline! Phoenix goes for the Glam Slam, in comes Michelle, Layla gets thrown into Michelle, before being taken out with a Slingshot Suplex! Phoenix tags in Kelly who finishes Layla off with a dumbass step-up legdrop to the back of the head. Tch.

 

Winner: Beth Phoenix and Kelly

 

Rating: **

 

Would've gotten an extra half-point if the Glam Slam had finished it, frankly.

 

Another Second With Swagger™ here. Did you know that as a Junior in high school, he turned down universities such as Miami, Stanford, and USC? Did you care? Same answers to both, I'm guessing.

 

Cut to see Chris Masters backstage, who titjumps to the SD! theme. He compares this to internet memes. Not far off.

 

Out comes Dolph Ziggler, who still has him dropkicking Santa Claus in his titantron, I notice. He pulls out a microphone, and says that he did everyone on SD! a huge favor last Monday, in the proudest moment of his career. Recap of him losing to Horny by count out last Monday, before putting in a Sleeper. That's...that's beautiful..I love this guy. He says no one will ever see that little trollface.jpg on SD!. He put him to sleep, and now he's in leprachan heaven. Suddenly, the crowd gets silent as he says this..as if they actually think he might be dead. Highlight vid of Drew McIntyre killshitting Matt Hardy last week.

 

We go TO THE BACK~!, where Matthews tries to get an update from Matt Hardy. Matt says that the attack last week took a physical and psychological toll on him. He sounds so very bored as he says this. Like, seriously, he doesn't care at all. McIntyre barges in, in dress pants but without a shirt, as if he was just changing before he heard this awful promo, and decided he needed to stop it. He's a damned good man. Nails the Future Shock DDT onto the floor.

 

COMMERCIALS

 

Commercial thoughts - SUCCESS KID

 

 

And we're BACK~! wit ya boy, JTG, who's thinking to himself - self, what's next for JTG? He says to himself, he'd look pretty fly with some gold around yo waist, boi! He agrees with himself, and says if SD feels him, get at him. Words to live by.

 

SES out next. You know, with Punk kneeling down and Gallows doing the Raven taunt during the entrance, Serena seems a little awkward just standing there. Punk keeps playing with his hair, aluding to the win over Mysterio at Extreme Rules. Punk takes up a mic, and says he knows everyone in the WWE Universe that Rey Mysterio would defeat him and rape his dignity. He says that he said he'd beat Rey, and he did - calling this a sobering reality. He tells us that Gallows and Serena were unfairly ejected, but he still won by himself. Punk says he's straightedge, better and stronger than everyone else, only to be interupted by MVP? MVP says the modern day mack is back~. 'P apologizes to the crowd for having to go through Punk's sermons every week. 'P says that the only saving done tonight is from him - and that he shall save the crowd from being saved. 'P says he remembers when Friday night's were cool, mentioning the VIP Lounge. 'P says he can't make a lot of promises in his life, but one that he can make is that Friday are getting drugged up again - I assume that's the implication in this - as he attacks SES. Mysterio comes out next, takes Gallows to the outside, they try to double team Punk, but Gallows pulls to the outside. COMMERCIALS

 

Commercial Thoughts - Was going to put DEPRESSION DOG here, but decided all the ones on YouTube kinda suck, so instead, here's a commercial that relates to them;

 

 

 

Fun-fact: MVP has a brother on the Indy Scene. His name? Why, VIP, of course. I've said it once and I'll say it again; originality is for the weak. Gallows and MVP start us off. They brawl for a bit, MVP with a Flying Forearm, MVP tags out to Rey-Rey, 'P wheelbarrows Mysterio onto Gallows, for two! Mysterio takes it to Gallows for a few strikes, Gallows goes for an Oklahoma Slam, Mysterio tries to counter wtih a DDT, Gallows shoves him to the ropes, Mysterio rebounds into a Big Boot! Cover, off this, gets two. Gallows rains down punches like..well, rain, before tagging in Punk. Punk stomps Rey into the corner. Punk pulls Mysterio the center of the ring, Back Suplexes his nappy-masked head to the mat. Quick running legdrop gets two, Punk locks him a Headscissors. Rey-Rey kicks his way out, but Punk catches him in the corner, and tags in Gallows. Punk Snap Suplexes Rey-Rey, into a splash of Gallows, for two. Gallows with a Snap Uppercut - the Elephantitus just doesn't seem to affect him at all, he's such a trooper. Punk tagged in, Standing Spinebusters Rey down for a two count. Punk whips Mysterio into the corner, Floatover Headscissors into a  DDT out of the corner from Mysterio! Gallows and MVP are tagged in, and guess who gets the hot tag - yep, MVP, who unloads on Gallows, nailing a Knee Facebuster, before hitting a (not to the) Ball(s)ing Elbow to Gallows. 'P goes for the cover, Punk breaks it up, but Mysterio intercepts him with a West Coast Pop. 'P takes Gallows to the middle ropes - Mysterio nails the 619, and Gallows stumbles into a Kinda-sorta Flatliner, for the pin and the win!

 

Winners: MVP and Rey Mysterio

 

Rating: **2/3

 

Eh, kind of expected better from that. Post-match, as 'P and Mysterio celebrate seperately, in comes the Mystery Man from Extreme Rules - again, clearly Brett DiBiase - to nail the SVR Default Neckbreaker on Mysterio.

 

Second With Swagger™ yet a-damn-gain. Did you know that he graduated, with honors, with a perfect 4.0 GPA, and as an academic All-American, was recently invited back to give the keynote adress at the 2010 commencement ceremony? Did you know that I'm riding this horse backwards? Yah! COMMERCIALS!

 

Commercial Thoughts - C

 

When we come back, Jack Swagger comes out. Man. It's the first he's come out tonight, but I feel like we've been seeing him all throughout the show. How odd. His FML reign continues, as he gets on the mic and asks why the hell they had him win the title. He tells us that he was simply bluffing when he was talking about wanting to win the belt, and that he never actually wanted the damned thing. He tells us how awful it's been, since the very second he pinned Chris Jericho to take it - how he hasn't a single moment of happiness since that fateful day. He tells us that he's going to leave now, to go and get a Live Journal. Okay, actually, he didn't say a damned bit of that. What he actually says is that when he was growing up, he was about two years old when his father sat him down. The crowd's booing is so intense, he can barely speak. This is good. The booing increases every time he speaks. This is getting to Vickie Guerrero territory here..he says that his father, (Blastoise) told him son, one day you'll be a World Champion. By the time he had reached five, he had already completed the first grade and was already taller than most midgets. When he was 12, he won the NFL Punt/Pass/Kick Competition. Someone should factcheck that. In the same year, he acheived Eagle Scout status. Mother of God. "You suck" chant starts, so Swagger starts playing to the crowd, saying "You want more?" and lists his SAT scores from when he was 16. HAI, MAI AGE!!11!! He mentions getting into the University of Oklahoma for the ninth time tonight, saying he had a free full scholarship, and graduated Magne Cum Laude.....heh heh. He continues blowing himself, as the crowd just eats it up. He says that his favorite and greatest achievment, was winning the World Heavyweight Championship...OF THE WORLD! 30 days ago, he once again sat down with Daddy Blastoise - and he told him, son...I am dissapoint. He tells us that he shall be World Champion until he retires. Finally, out comes Teddy Long.

 

Long says that we've heard just about enough. He says he knows that the WWE Universe wants to hear who the new No.1 Contender is. So he announces it..as teh Big Show. Well, I knew all this donkey punching was leading to something, I guess I should've guessed this. This does look like something of an interesting match, actually. Show has a mic. Show tells us to give Swagger a golfclap for all his accomplishments. Show said that on the day he was born, the doctor said OH MAH GAAAAAAAAAAAAHD! Show says that Swagger is many things, but he is not the World's Largest Athlete. I beleive the crowd starts chanting "Fuck Him Up!" here. Could be wrong, but I assume it's correct and so should you. Show says there's just one little thing he needs to add to his resume - an early retirement. You know what..that's a damned good line. Consider it stolen.   BOOM, HEADSHOT, Show takes him out with a punch. YOU JUST GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT, G! And it is on that note, that we are finishing up here. Be seeing you next week. Except, well, I won't be seeing you, 'cause..you know. The internet doesn't work that way..

 

THE GOOD: As is typical, none of the matches were bad, all solid, some very entertaining contests. Specifically, I think I might just give this to Morrison/Rhodes, match-wise. The Edge/Christian confrontation was great as well, not to mention very much unforeseen.

 

THE BAD: Kelly Kelly's lame little legdrop finish. Dunno if she's been doing it a lot recently, as I rarely watch RAW anymore, (Or see it in Burge's recaps..WE COMIN' FO YOU, NIGGA!) but yeah. Think I'll be calling it the Faildrop from now on.

 

THE UGLY: Chavo getting mictime just to get buried again..I just don't know if I see the point.