WWE SMACKDOWN RANT
April 29, 2011
Hello, again, everyone..."Great" Scott here. Before we get started, let me tell you why I didn't do last week's recap. Simple answer? I sat down, started watching, was greeted with "Sir" Michael Cole, and promptly turned off the television and went and played Dragon Age II. I boycotted the show. This entire decision to make this guy a focal point of BOTH WWE shows is bordering on insanity and stupidity. Some people might say, "but they're getting you to hate him, so he's a MONSTER HEEL." Here's the problem I have with that. In the new Batman movies, most people would agree that The Joker is a good movie "heel." Heath Ledger played him well, and most audience members hated how villainous he was. Michael Cole as a heel is the equivalent of casting Spencer Pratt as The Joker. Everyone would hate him, but for all the wrong reasons. I hate him because I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM, not because he's such a great actor. Shit, all he does is repeat the same "funny" lines over and over and make the same fat jokes about Jim Ross and old jokes about Jerry Lawler. Really, it's not working, WWE writing staff...SO STOP THIS STORY LINE NOW!! So help me, if Michael Cole gets his own entrance ever again, I'm not watching the damn show.
Now that we have that out of the way...how about that draft? What a crock of shit to have Cena "drafted" to SmackDown, only to get put back on RAW at the end of the show. If the WWE did that for any other reason than to piss off the "Internet community" or the "smarts," I'll eat my friggin' hat.
As for the rest of the draft...I can't say how pissed I am that Alberto Del Rio is going to RAW. I looked at the heels on SmackDown, and the championship picture looks griiiiiiiiiim. Seriously, Sheamus is the only guy who's really been main event level talent...shit, Booker T is probably in the title picture at this point. So I don't take up five pages on this, let me recap the draft this way:
The Great: SmackDown gets Daniel Bryan, Sin Cara, and William Regal (for what that's worth) and loses Kelly Kelly and Big Show.
The Not-so-Great: SmackDown gets the Great Khali, Randy Orton, and Mark Henry, and loses Rey Mysterio, Kofi Kingston, AND ALBERTO DEL RIO...DAMN IT!!
So, that's it in a nutshell...a lot of shitty wrestlers move to different shows in hopes of them sucking less, SmackDown gets a new guy that's going to make the rest of the roster look like shit, and RAW gets the best heel in the WWE. Seems fair to me.
Show starts with updated opening sequence.
Things start out with Randy Orton coming out and the crowd, morons that they are, cheers and chants like crazy. Orton takes about 10 minutes to get three sentences out. After another five minutes and half a sentence later, Drew McIntyre comes out, which means that he'll be the first person that Orton obliterates on his quest to never lose another match again.
Drew talks about moving to RAW, which is mildly disappointing, because I was starting to not hate him...even though the WWE had a hard on about not letting the guy win, ever.
Drew tries to hit the Futureshock DDT on Randy Orton, but it's Randy Orton we're talking about, so McIntyre gets RKO'd. I have a feeling I'm going to see a lot of this in the months to come.
Orton tries to talk again, and this time it's Alex Riley (with new, less douche-y haircut) interrupting. It's 8:11 now; let's see how long it is before...oops, RKO. Thanks for playing, Alex.
FINALLY, someone AWESOME comes out. Alberto Del Rio, Brodus Clay, and Ricardo Rodriguezmake their way to ringside. Del Rio steals CM Punk's thunder and calls Orton, "Randall." I'm thinking Brodus will be the third person to get RKO'd.
Del Rio reminds me how much I hate WWE, as he tells the crowd how bad it is for SmackDown that he's leaving. The heels surround Orton, but Christian quickly joins him...and then everything is ruined by Teddy Long getting involved. He makes a match for later with Christian and Orton taking on Del Rio and Brodus Clay. Like Orton is going to lose, come on.
After a brief commercial break, it's time for a match with...
Kofi Kingston (Who's Now on RAW) vs. Sheamus (Who's Now on SmackDown)
Sheamus jumps Kingston on the entrance ramp and tosses him around the ringside area before rolling his carcass into the ring. Sheamus waits until Kingston gets back up (which sorta' defeats the purpose of jumping him in the first place), and then boots Kingston in the face. I don't know what Kingston did wrong, but his stock is plummeting lately. Remember when he was main eventing against Randy Orton? That's what I thought.
Winner: No Contest
Rating: No Tony the Tigers
Technically, that wasn't even a match. 25 percent of the show is over and there hasn't been one actual match yet.
This new WWE movie actually makes me feel kinda' bad for hating it on principle. Keep in mind, however, that Randy Orton will go to the papers if he has to.
On the SmackDown Smack of the Night we learn that Michael Cole is a fat ass. Maybe he should go with the Eric Bischoff karate outfit if he's going to make fat jokes.
Cole comes out to piss off everyone. The makeup job they've done on his face makes me laugh, because they couldn't bother to do the same for Cody Rhodes, who was at least kicked in the face by Rey Mysterio and not punched by an overweight, 60-year-old announcer with Bell's Palsy.
At this point, I change the channel...I honestly cannot tolerate this guy. When I return, it looks like there's going to be a match...
Jack Swagger vs. Sin Cara
Swagger takes the advantage early with a takedown and some shots in the corner. Swagger tries to hit a powerslam, but Sin Cara kicks the hell out of him. Sin Cara stays in control with some speedy moves, but Swagger nearly clotheslines him out of his boots. Swagger follows this up by doing some pushups on a prone Sin Cara. After a pair of Irish whips, Swagger slams Sin Cara, and then goes for the Vader splash. Sin Cara, however, gets his knees up and then lands a series of kicks and a springboard back elbow. Next up, Sin Cara hauls off with a flying head scissors and a leaping kick from the apron. He leaps off the top rope, but Swagger moves and kicks him in the face. While the ref goes to check on Sin Cara, Cole hands Swagger a belt. This only manages to distract Swagger, so Sin Cara rolls him up from behind and gets the three count.
Winner: Sin Cara
That match loses an entire star because Michael Cole had something to do with it.
After the match, Swagger tries to jump Sin Cara, who low bridges him and sends him to the floor. Sin Cara follows up by leaping about six miles in the air and hitting a big splash. Michael Cole comes on the screen, but I tune him out.
Awesome Kong is coming...but her crappy new name is Kharma. Puns = RATINGS.
Next up, a match for belts that mean NOTHING!
Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel (On The Verge of Breaking Up) vs. Big Show and Kane
Seriously, Heath Slater is Stevie Ray (or Jim Neidhart or Marty Jannetty) on this team...if these guys break up, he might as well kiss his career goodbye.
Big Show starts off with Slater. Just to change things up (SARCASM ALERT), Big Show completely destroys Slater. Slater sloppily tags to Gabriel, who hits a missile dropkick and a series of running kicks. Gabriel tries for a pin, and gets a massive 0.79 count before Big Show kicks out...by throwing Gabriel to the floor. It's time for more commercials.
Okay, this Snickers commercial with sharks was funny the first eight times...now it's getting old.
After the break, we return to see Slater hitting a DDT on Big Show. Gabriel tags in, but leaps right into a chokeslam...wow, he just DDT'd him. That was actually pretty cool. Gabriel leaps onto the back of Big Show and locks on a sleeper. Big Show gets up and side slams Gabriel. Both men crawl to their corners. Gabriel tags first, but Show tags, too. Kane flattens Slater with a big boot, a clothesline in the corner, and a side slam. Kane heads up top and nails Slater with the leaping clothesline. Kane tries for the chokeslam, but Gabriel...oops, he leaps right into it. The two Corre members kick Kane, but end up getting clotheslined. Big Show comes in and both Corre members get chokeslammed. It's over after that.
Winners: Kane and Big Show
That match was better than it had any right to be. It's not going to appear on any "best of" DVDs, but it wasn't bad considering that only one out four of the participants wasn't horrible.
After the match, we head to the back, where SmackDown's new game changer, The Great Khali, is talking to Rey Mysterio. They speak about two words that I can understand, as Rey speaks Spanish and Khali speaks gibberish. After Rey walks off, some guy that Khali and his translator seem to know walks in and he talks even more gibberish. Whatever.
This Monday, it's The Rock's birthday. Whoop dee doo double ding dong.
Rey Mysterio (Who's Now On RAW) vs. Mark Henry (Who's Now...Shit, I Can't Even Say It)
Seriously, SmackDown loses Alberto Del Rio and MARK FRIGGIN' HENRY is the heel we get in return?
Rey's going to talk, so I'm going to go get a drink of water...
When I return, I'm treated to Mark Henry running through his typical fat guy offense. Eventually, he throws Rey to the floor, misses a charge, and flips over the ring steps. Commercials again.
When we return, Rey dropkicks a seated Henry in the corner. Rey goes up top, so Mark Henry trips him up. Rey ends up in the reverse Tree of Woe (facing the corner), and Mark Henry splashes him. After a failed pin attempt, Henry lands a big headbutt. He follows this by slamming Rey's head into the top turnbuckle. Mark Henry sets Rey up for his version of the Bastion Booger splash, but Rey escapes and manages a seated senton from the top rope. Rey goes for a cover, but Mark Henry launches him five feet in the air. Rey dropkicks Henry's knee, which sets him up perfect for the 619. Rey connects and goes to the apron, where Cody Rhodes yanks him to the floor and draws the DQ.
Winner: Rey Mysterio (by DQ)
In all honesty, that match wasn't too bad.
Rhodes beats up Mysterio for a bit, and then tosses him back into the ring so Mark Henry can hit The World's Strongest Slam. Rhodes ends the segment by putting a paper bag on Rey's head. I'm sure it won't be long before those are on WWE.com.
You know, if the WWE wanted to retool the tag team division, Rhodes and Henry could be Beauty and the Beast. See? That took me like 30 seconds to think up.
The WWE Rewind shows us...clips from last week's SmackDown...the hell? Funny how they neglect to show Michael Cole shitting all over the divas' match. BUT IT WAS SOOO FUNNY!!
Dear God...won't this ever end?
Michelle McCool (Who Couldn't Go to RAW...Really?!?) vs. Layla (Who Actually Makes the SmackDown Shirt Look Good)
The two women start with a tieup. They pretty much cat fight for a little bit, roll outside, and both get counted out. Fun.
Winner: No One (Double Count Out)
The plus side of this match? It's hard to botch up rolling around on the ground.
After the "match" the women make another "match" for Extreme Rules. The only upside to this is that the loser has to leave the WWE (I thought this was just supposed to be loser leaves SmackDown match, but it sounded like they dubbed in, "WWE" instead), which means there's a...50 percent...wait, this is the chick who's married to The Undertaker. Well, unless Michelle McCool is pregnant, bye bye Layla.
Next up, a recap of the WWE's European tour...including a stop in Qatar. I didn't think Qatar was in Europe, but who am I to question the WWE's geographic knowledge.
After that, a very poignant interview with Christian. Touching.
Brodus Clay and Alberto Del Rio vs. Christian and Randy Orton
Brodus Clay looks like a guy sticking his head out of the sun roof of a Volkswagon.
Del Rio starts with Christian, but immediately tags to Clay. Clay knocks down Christian and then steps on him. Christian tries a go behind, but Clay reverses it and tosses Christian to the ground. After some back and forth, Brodus headbutts a charging Christian in the chest and tags to Del Rio. Del Rio immediately punts Christian and then pops him with an enziguiri in the corner. Del Rio puts his head down, which allows Christian to kick him and tag to Orton.
Orton, as always, beats on Del Rio, but eventually, Del Rio manages to tag to Brodus Clay. Clay mows down Orton...and we go to commercial.
Wow, when the commercials are over, Brodus Clay is still beating Orton! Clay tags to Del Rio, who hits a SWEET leaping dropkick on a seated Orton. Del Rio stays in control, ironically, with a chinlock on Orton. Orton tries for a tag, and then suplexes Del Rio to escape the chinlock. I would think chinlocks would power Orton up.
Both men tag, and Christian works over Clay. Christian eventually takes Clay off his feet with two flying dropkicks. Christian tries to go up top again, but he ends up in the arms of Clay. After a powerslam, Clay distracts the ref while Del Rio gets some shots in on Christian. Del Rio comes back in and works over Christian's arm and shoulder. Christian rights out, and back body drops Del Rio over the top rope to escape a corner charge. Del Rio slides back in and tags Clay. Christrian tries to tag, but Clay stops him with a headbutt. Clay hits a backbreaker on Christian, holds it for a second, and then hoists him back up for another slam. Clay tags to Del Rio, who actually hits his senton off the top. Del Rio goes for a pin, but only gets two.
After some posturing, Del Rio wheels off another kick on Christian. He goes to the top, but is distracted by Randy Orton. Christian hits a FrankenChristian on Del Rio and tags to Orton. Del Rio can't manage a tag, so Randy Orton destroys him. He lands his low powerslam and follows it with the Angle Slam and the suspended DDT. Orton punches Brodus Clay for good measure, and then has a seizure. He tries for the RKO, but Del Rio shoves him off the ropes. Clay trips him up, tags in, and walks right into an RKO. Wow, what a shocker.
Winners: Randy Orton and Christian
That match was pretty good, even though everyone watching knew how it was going to end. It was like the movie Apollo 13...not bad, even though you know what's going to happen at the end.
Well, that's it for another episode of SmackDown. Let's hand out some awards...
The Really Great Thing of the Night: Three tolerable matches and limited Michael Cole
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: Two pointless matches, still some Michael Cole, a worthless womens' match, and Randy Orton already making half the roster look bad.
Thanks again for reading...be sure to read my very special LIVE recap of Extreme Rules, coming to you from Tampa, Florida! It's going to be DOUBLE GREAT, because I'm going to have a very special guest helping me write my recap! Stop by TWF later this week to be a part of this momentous occasion!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).