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WWE SMACKDOWN RANT

by "Great" Scott

April 15, 2011


On this day, I see clearly, that this week's episode of SmackDown is going to be heavily centered around Edge's retirement and the subsequent fallout. That being the case, perhaps the show will be a little more interesting than normal. However, WWE has a way of dropping the ball at times like this, so I'm not going to be totally optimistic.

Before the credits, we get a brief retrospective of Edge's career. I like how they keep saying Edge is an 11-time champion, but some of his title reigns were like a week long. I guess every guy is a face when he's retiring. I've always liked Edge better than the average WWE guy, but he was never in my top five. His best run was when he and Christian were in "silly" mode…there were some good times there. However, lately, his matches were plodding and predictable. I think he picked a good time to call it quits.

After the mini-tribute to Edge, we head to the ring, where Ricardo Rodriguez is ready to announce Alberto Del Rio. Summing up the promo, Del Rio actually says some nice things about Edge, but thinks he should be the champion since Edge has to relinquish the title. Teddy Long comes out (in a suit that makes me want to play checkers for some odd reason) and says that's not how he rolls, playa' (because he's a BLACK GUY and all). There's going to be a 20-man battle royal to determine who will face Del Rio. Del Rio gets pissed and goes crazy heel, so Teddy tells him to shut up. I wish someone would punch Teddy Long.

After a commercial break, it's time for…

Ezekiel Jackson (with The Corre) vs. Kofi Kingston

The three members of The Corre (all with belts because they're white) are sitting at the announcer's table. Kingston comes out dressed like a pack of watermelon Bubble Yum. Man, he's really slipping on the WWE depth chart…maybe he screwed around during a drug test like MVP.

The two men tie up, and Jackson shoves Kingston across the ring. Kingston fires back with kicks and punches, but when Kingston leaps on Jackson in the corner, Jackson tosses him about 10 feet.

Jackson screams and lands a clubbing blow and then slams Kingston while the Corre members argue over who's going to win the battle royal later in the show. In the ring, Kingston manages to dropkick Jackson to the outside, and then follow with a baseball slide dropkick. Unfortunately, Kingston heads outside and Jackson ends up press slamming him onto the other Corre members. Ummm…okay.

Jackson rolls Kingston back in, but Kingston meets him with a kick. Kingston puts Jackson in position for the S.O.S., but Barett interferes…why, I don't know, if Jackson just threw a guy on top of him. Anyway, Kingston tells the ref to get Barrett off the apron, and then walks right into a knee lift from Jackson. Jackson hits the `Roid Bottom on Kingston to get the win.

Winner: Ezekiel Jackson

Rating:

Man, that match was borderline terrible. Kingston seems to be fighting hurt or something…he wasn't himself at all. It didn't help that he had to "entertain" with a guy that has all the grace of a bulldozer. I guess the main point of this match was to further the "Corre Breakup" storyline, which I said should've taken place at WrestleMania. Every guy in The Corre except Slater would do okay on his own.

After the match, someone has the brilliant idea to hand Jackson a microphone. Ezekiel Jackson makes Corky from Life Goes On sound like a Harvard professor. Jackson is exhibit A in the case for WWE bringing back managers. With the right mouthpiece, Ezekiel Jackson would be a badass.

Later tonight, Edge retires…AGAIN!

When we return…go to WWE.com to see a WrestleMania recap. The main page has pictures of three women who were in no way involved in the event! Gotta' make room for SNOOKI…literally and figuratively.

Next up, a LayCool couples therapy session. Ummmm…yeah. I would just like to ask the WWE "creative" team one question: Why do you think Michelle McCool, who sounds like a redneck, walks like a redneck, and has the body of a 16-year-old boy basketball player should be in an angle where she's supposed to be so super-glamorous? Oh, and your answer can't be, "Because she's boffing one of the biggest named superstars on the card." I bet they would be at a loss.

After that segment of comedy gold, it's up to the ring for…

Cody Rhodes vs. Lisping

With that black hooded jacket, no pants, and black boots, Cody looks a gay, sadomasochistic Gorton's fisherman. He gets the microphone and pants and lisps a lot. He's going to be in the battle royal tonight. Other than that, I don't really pay attention to anything he says. After a bit, Rey comes out. Rey hits a neat 619 on Cody's stomach as he stands on the apron. That was better than it should've been.

Awesome Kong is coming…and she'll flick your doll's FRICKIN' HEAD OFF!

Oh, hey, Rey's sticking around for…

Rey Mysterio vs. Drew McIntyre

McIntyre's still on the roster? Gosh, I haven't seen him lose…err, compete in a while.

Drew talks smack out of the gate, but Rey pops him a few times. Rey tries to speed around McIntyre, but Drew catches him in a powerslam. Drew takes control with some knee drops and a big backbreaker. After a failed pin attempt, Drew stomps Mysterio right in the face. McIntyre continues the assault by putting Rey's head on the apron and stomping it. McIntyre hits a snap suplex and an Irish whip. McIntyre tries for another backbreaker, but Rey escapes and puts McIntyre into position for the 619. McIntyre, however, gets up and kicks Rey in the stomach. The two men exchange moves until Rey lands a seated dropkick that sends McIntyre to the outside. Rey follows up with a baseball slide dropkick and then tries to head scissors McIntyre through the ropes. McIntyre, unfortunately for Rey, grabs Mysterio in a powerbomb position and flings him into the security barricade. Drew stares and Rey like a complete psychopath and we go to commercial.

When we return, Drew has an armbar-esque hold applied. Rey fights out, flips out of a suplex attempt, and then sends Drew to the outside. Rey kicks McIntyre as he tries to get back in and then lands a sweet leg drop out of the corner. Rey takes off for the ropes, but McIntyre traps him in a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. He follows up with stomps and clubbing blows to the chest. Drew stays in control for a little bit longer until he tries a shoulder butt to Mysterio in the corner. Rey moves and climbs to the top rope. He hits a seated senton and a flying head scissors. Rey gets a 2.6 count on a springboard cross body, but McIntyre fights back. Things go back and forth again, with McIntyre getting a 2.7 count off a big boot. More back and forth results in a tilt-a-whirl DDT from Mysterio. McIntyre gets his foot on the ropes on a pin attempt. This match is actually really good.

Rey wheels off with a kick, but McIntyre returns fire with a rising clothesline from a kneeling position. McIntyre whiffs on a clothesline and Rey dropkicks his knee. McIntyre lands in the 619 position, and Rey obliges. Rey finalizes things with a splash off the top rope.

Winner: Rey Mysterio

Rating:

Wow, that match was great! It might be because the quality of the product has been so bad lately, but I can't dog on that performance. Good job from both men.

And, because the first retrospective wasn't enough, we get another Edge video montage. The best part of the montage? Edge and Christian celebrating with The Conquistadors…awesome. Seriously, though, Edge will be missed as part of WWE's product…we're losing him far too soon…maybe they mixed up Edge's test results with Mark Henry's?

After another commercial break, it's time for Edge to give up his belt. The crowd apparently can't get its chants coordinated, as "Thank you," and "Thank you, Edge," sorta' create a "THAEDGEYOUNK" chant.

Edge runs through some of his general career achievements (TLC matches, his crazy match with Mick Foley, his Hell in a Cell match with Undertaker). After a few minutes, he decides that he wants to do his entrance one last time, so he runs back up the ramp and does it, complete with pyro. He puts the punctuation mark on it by sliding into the ring. The crowd goes bat shit, as it should.

After a few more minutes of emotional speaking, Edge points out his mom, who's at ringside. The crowd finally gets itself in order by starting up a, "Thank you mom," chant. Good for them.

Edge ends the segment by thanking the crowd and placing the belt in the center of the ring.

Despite me giving Edge a hard time on some of my reports, this kinda' sucks. Best wishes to Edge in his future endeavors. Thank God we still have Michael Cole to provide the entertainment value that we're losing.

After that emotional segment, we see a graphic with the 20 guys in the battle royal, half of whom have no business being anywhere near a title picture. You know your roster is thin when Curt Hawkins is involved in a championship battle royal.

WWE is doing another movie, and Ed Harris is in it!?! Dude, Ed, really? Also, RANDY ORTON is going to ACT?!? Unless he plays a lobotomy patient or someone in a coma…what's the point?

After another commercial break, we return to see Rosa Mendes saying something in foreign talk to Edge. I think she said, "Thank God you're getting out now, before Vince totally ruins the WWE." Alberto Del Rio interrupts and offers Edge his hand, a wink, and a smile. Edge doesn't take it. Seriously, WWE needs to re-evaluate its face/heel behavior policies.

Oh, Lord…

Kelly Kelly vs. Layla (with Michelle McCool and Relationship Issues)

It's funny how Layla is the one that has to keep losing in these matches.

This match has everything I hate about the WWE: Kelly Kelly wrestling, Michelle McCool talking, and "Evil" Michael Cole…existing.

After a horrible match, Kelly Kelly almost wins by count out when the "action" spills to the floor. Michelle rolls Layla back in the ring so Kelly can roll her up for the pin.

Winner: Kelly Kelly (and absolutely no one else)

Rating:

Any Kelly Kelly match that doesn't end up in paralysis automatically gets one star.

If anyone needs to understand why I think Michelle McCool is an ugly bumpkin, just watch the way she moves after this match. She walks like a man and talks like a waitress in a truck stop.

After the commercials, it's time for the RAW Rewind, where the Cole/Lawler feud continues. I hate this.

Finally, it's time for…

20-Man Battle Royal (Winner Gets a Title Match at Extreme Rules)

I'm not typing out everyone's name…just believe me when I say that half the guys shouldn't be in there.

So help me if Kane or Big Show wins this…I'm selling my Extreme Rules tickets.

Things start quickly, as Big Show tosses JTG out in about 10 seconds. Trent Barretta follows shortly thereafter. Heath Slater almost tears a groin muscle when Big Show tosses him; Slater lands on the apron, but Big Show punches him off. Three seconds later, Big Show stupidly eliminates himself when he clotheslines Ezekiel Jackson over the top. Well, as long as Kane goes, the SmackDown main event won't be so bad.

It's time for a commercial break.

The match goes on for a few minuets with no one being thrown out. The next guy to go is Cody Rhodes at the hands of Rey Mysterio. Curt Hawkins tries to jump Rey, but ends up getting tossed, as well. Brodus Clay drops Drew McIntyre next, and then flings Chavo Guerrero. Clay and Kane face off in the middle of the ring, but off course Kane wins that battle. Clay actually avoids a chokeslam (nice of everyone to roll out of the way for it) and headbutts Kane right in the chest. Clay tries to hoist Kane out, but Kane reverses it and eliminates big Brodus.

It's time for ANOTHER commercial break.

Upon our return, Wade Barrett eliminates Kofi Kingston. After a brief scuffle, Christian stuns Tyler Reks over the top rope to send him home. I almost forgot Christian was in there. Yoshi Tatsu knows Christian's in the ring, as Christian tosses Tatsu a minute or so later. Next to go is Kane, who's eliminated by Barrett and Justin Gabriel. Wow, that was a bit of a surprise. Speaking of surprises, after Barrett boots Masters out of the match, Gabriel dumps Barrett. Ouch.

The final four are Swagger, Mysterio, Gabriel, and Christian. If I'm a betting man, I'm putting my money on Christian. The men pair off, as Christian and Swagger fight while Rey and Gabriel pair off. After a short back and forth, Rey sends Gabriel over the top. Rey and Christian square off for a bit until Jack tosses Rey to the apron. Rey fights back and goes up top, putting Swagger in the 619 position. And because the WWE is stupid, Michael Cole gets up and shields Swagger from the 619. This allows Swagger to get the upper hand on, and eliminate, Rey. Michael Cole, I hate you. WWE creative team, I hate you even more.

This leaves Christian and Swagger as the last two. Gee, I wonder who's going to win this. It would've been smarter to have one of the final two not already be in a match already, geniuses.

The two men fight for a bit, and there's a cool spot where Swagger clamps on the ankle lock when Christian tries his upside down flippy kick. Eventually, Swagger tosses Christian, but he lands on the apron. Del Rio grabs Christian's leg and tries to pull him down, but Christian kicks him away. Swagger charges, but Christian pulls down the top rope and Swagger hits the floor.

Winner: Christian

Rating:

That battle royal wasn't terrible, but the logic of it sure was. Plus, minus points for having Michael Cole being part of it. Finally, was the battle royal really necessary if it was just going to be Christian (who had just beaten Del Rio already) winning it? Man, someone behind the scenes must be straight up ALLERGIC to logic.

After the match, Edge comes down and hugs Christian while Del Rio fumes from the announce table.

Well, at least that's one good match on the Extreme Rules card. So far, Extreme Rules is batting .333.

Before I close the books on this show, let me hand out some awards…

The Really Great Thing of the Night: Rey Mysterio and Drew McIntyre have a good "entertainment" match.

The Not-So-Great Things of the Night: Edge retires, but Michael Cole doesn't.

That's it for another recap, gang. Have a "great" week…I'll be sure to do the same.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).