Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN (04/09/10) By Jordan Huie

The theme of todays recap is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcRGzjE_xcA Strange Days - The Doors.

Note: This recap was started before SmackDown! even aired, thanks to videos of it being hosted by someone named mrhardylima. Many thanks to him.

Oh hell yes! The wrestling world is about to get popped like a pimple, because Z-Truth has made it's return, for one night only!! And when I say one night only, I mean like how The Hardy Boyz returned for one night only for every single damned night for six months straight!! Let's get this baby started!

Noticing the Warriah in the newest intro. I wonder if that's a response to TNA's new gimmick for Orlando Jordan - which I think is actually classified under the DO NOT WANT file..

We start with a recap of the motherfucking tradegy last week, in which that Kurt Angle knockoff, Jimmy Swaggert stole the World Heavyweight Title from my Lord and Savior, after he was speared by the Man Of 1004 Teeth. Not that I'm biased, or anything..in all seriousness, I'm glad Swagger's getting this oppurtunity, and am excited to see what he'll do with it.

Speaking of Gary Busey's grandson, out comes the All-American American American American American American himself. Fun Fact: He's Jim Duggan's favorite wrestler. As he makes his entrance, they hype Edge vs. Jericho in a No.1 Contender's Match tonight. Hell to the yes.

Swagger gets a mic, as some poser in the stands holds a sign that says "Swagger as Champion = Low Ratings". Fortunately for Swaggert, said sign is green colored. Therefore, it doesn't know how to work yet, so who gives a shit about it's opinion? Swagbag getting some good heat tonight. He says he shocked the world when he cashed in the briefcase last week. He mentions Edge/Jericho tonight, but says IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO WINS! ..no, not with Rock's infliction, but that would be a funny impression. He says he's odds on favorite to walk out of Extreme Rules with the championship around his waist. Well, technically, he's the only one currently in the title match, so the odds are like 1-to-0, in his favor. Or something like that. I don't know, fuck math. He says he's a changed man for the better in every concievable way. He then takes a page out of Benoit's book, and PROVES ME WRONG by pronouncing "concievable" correctly. Seriously, I didn't think he had it him. Kudos. He says some people are born to be Champions, and he's one of them. He claims there is no WWE Superstar that can stop his momentum. I assume at this point, that he's about to make an Open Challenge, knowing full well that Khali is on vacation. He once again mentions that he is the replacement for Shawn Michaels as the greatest competitor in the WWE. Geeze, the crowd is on his case.

John Morrison's music hits before he can say anything else, and I'm liking the idea of this match-up. I like how Morrison's adopted Bret Hart's "give your sunglasses to a little kid" tactic. Morrison gets on the mic. "Deserve to be a champion?" he acts. Morrison tells him he got lucky one night, which I find funny, considering how many people have gotten lucky one night, thanks to Jim Morrison. Morrison mentions Swaggert losing to Randy Orton like a bitch last Monday, and a video plays immediately afterward, showing how Swaggert lost to Randy Orton like a bitch last Monday. Morrison then taunts Swaggert for losing to Randy Orton like a bitch last Monday. Did I mention he lost to Randy Orton like a bitch last Monday? Morrison says he looks like the same old stupid Swaggert to him. Morrison makes like TNA when they "GO 'HEAD AND CROSS DA LINE" by mentioning Swaggert's speech impediment, which Jimmy boy immediately interupts, saying he hath noth sthuch thing.

Swaggert says John is the one that hasn't changed, and says he's living in the shadow of The Miz. Okay, ow. He calls him a bitter wannabe rockstar, who's jealous because his career will never rival Swaggert's. Morrison says "Atleast I don't have a speech impediment." Swagger tries for a bumrush, but Morrison dodges it and sends Swaggert to the floor in a move that reminds me of how Lucha Libre wrestlers will just smack each other hip, and in doing so, somehow force the other to Swanton Bomb themselves to the outside. Nice promo from both, and especially like how much time they got to cut them - that was about ten minutes worth. Also, COMMERCIALS!

Commercial Thoughts - Does switching to Gieco really save you 15% or more on car insurance? ...Is the Pope protecting child molesters?

Sean Morrison (which is his name, according to Lillian Garcia's book of name pronunciations) vs. Jimmy Jack Swaggert

And we're back, with Morrison pounding away on Swaggert, starting the Corner Punches. Swaggert pushes him away, but Morrison springs back up and is on him again with a kick. Morrison goes for an Irish Whip, Swaggert counters it - goes for a clothesline, but Morrison slides through Swaggert's legs, then nails him with a nice Dropkick as soon as he turns around. Cover, gets 2 for Morrison. Swaggert sends Morrison to the corner - and much to my surprise, we do NOT get a clean break from the heel Champion! Wow! I'm stunned. Instead, Swaggert hits a few Shoulder Blocks, then sends him to the mat. Swaggert sends Morrison off the ropes, goes for a Back Body Drop - but Morrison hits the kick to counter. Morrison goes for what appeared to be a Spinning Head Scissors but Swaggert counters by holding onto him for a moment, before slamming him down with an Oklahoma Slam. Think there may have been some OMGWTFBBQ miscommunication there, as there was some delay, but if there was, they played it off well.

Swaggert starts with the mat wrestling, getting a Go Behind Waist Lock, and they roll across the ring with it for a bit, just for shits and gigs. Swaggert transitions to a Front Facelock (OF DESPAIR) but breaks it himself to go for another Irish Whip. Morrison ducks two clotheslines, but gets nailed with a Knee to the stomach that causes him to do a flip - which is apparantly called the "Kitchen Sink", according to the drunken hobos that made the Day of Reckoning series. And..er, there's apparantly a little bleeding from Swaggert, but I don't see it, nor do I know where he got the cut. There's a little delay as the ref and a medic come to help..I SERIOUSLY don't see any blood here.

Anyway, after being cleared, Swaggert starts beating on Morrison, with those "stomps to the groin, that aren't really stomps to the groin" that Randy Orton loves dishing out way too damned much. Meanwhile, Striker calls Grisham "Tosh.0". How it relates to Grish, I have no idea, but I like the referance all the same. Swaggert gets him back into a headlock before driving him down to the mat with what - no shit - was one of the best executed Belly-To-Bellies I've ever seen. Seriously, that was class. Scott Steiner should take notes. Swaggert goes for the pin, but Morrison kicks out. We get a replay, and..the advertisement is censored? The hell? Anyway, Swaggert pounds Morrison into the corner, before hitting him with a spear, that Morrison beautifully sells by falling between the ropes. Boy, I am loving this match as much as I love my taffy. And I'm a man who likes his taffy..

Swaggert takes Morrison to the mat, first with an Arm Stretch, which is transitioned into a Body Scissors. And the crowd quickly roots for Morrison as he slowly fights out of it, getting to his feet - but Swaggert puts him back into the corner, pounding on his back. Swaggert takes Morrison to the top rope, and puts him in Front Facelock position - but Morrison fights back and shoves him to the mat. Morrison tries to fly - but Swagger jumps to the top, for a Belly-To-Belly off the top! Nice, Swaggert scrambles over for a cover, but Morrison just barely kicks out. VADAH SPLASH - but Morrison sticks both boots up to counter. Morrison starts to rally with hard shots, and actually gets in a WARRIAH/Cena jumping Shoulder Block, which somehow amuses me. Morrison goes for an Irish Whip, Swaggert reverses - and Morrison with the Double Leg Lariat, for two! Swaggert goes into the corner, Morrison tries to whip him out of it, Swaggert reverses sending Morrison to the corner - but Morrison dodges the Idiot Rush - and nails the Flying Chuck Kick, for two! FACT: The Flying Chuck Kick does not get frost bite. The Flying Chuck Kick bites frost.

Sean tries to end things with a Drive by the Moonlight, but Swaggert counters with the Stun of the Gun! Swaggert then tries for a Doctor Bomb, but Morrison escapes it - only to land facefirst on the mat, in what may have been a botch. Swaggert gets two off this. Swaggert goes for an Irish Whip, and ducks down for the Back Body Drop, but Morrison counters into a Sunset Flip for one. Okay, that does it - I hereby request that "You can NOT hit a Back Body Drop on anyone whos name does not begin with an R and end with ic Flair" gets added to the Fan Laws! Morrison follows up with that harsh Running Knee that he does to seated opponents. That move really needs a name. Maybe a play on words, like Strange Daze. Hey, it's a more original name then "Starship Pain" atleast. Oh, speaking of which, he goes for it - but Swaggert escapes to the outside. Morrison tries for a dive, but Swaggert moves out of the way - leaving Morrison to land on the apron. They pause for a moment, to let us guess who wins this exchange - and it ends up being Swaggert, who clips the leg of Morrison, sending him to the floor!

Swaggert sends Morrison into the ring - and nails the Doctor Bomb, to end the match.

Winner: The one with Jimmy Swaggert's name, and Gary Busey's face.

Rating: ****


Kick ass match, man. I don't know whose dick these two had to suck to get that much time in the ring, but I thank that man for allowing said fellatio to happen. So yeah, damned good start to the show - and looking at the main event, it should have a pretty damned good ending as well! Even WWE can't screw this up...right?

TONIGHT~! CM Punk shall officially be inducting Young Darren into his Straight Edge Cul-, I mean, Society. I'm really liking how this show looks, I hope they don't ruin it with too much Vickie, or with not enough cowbell.

Cut to THE BACK~!, and MARK OUT TIME as Chris Jericho is in the back with his rookie Wade Barrett. They discuss how they should both still be No.1 for a moment, as in comes that liar and a thief Jimmy Swaggert. They've given him a lot of time since making him champ. I like that they're trying to make him the focus of the show, but I hope they don't let this happen:



DIDJA GET IT?!? IT'S OVER SATURATED! AHAHAHA! AHA! AHAHAHA! Ahaha.haha..ha. Ahem.

Anywai, Swaggert brags about the match he won just now. He says he's rooting for Jericho tonight, as should EVERYONE ELSE IN EXISTANCE. He says the only reason he cashed MITB in on Jericho and not Cena is because Jericho was hurt, and therefore a sure thing. Jericho says "HERE's the sure thing, Swagger" - in a way that reminds of Dr. Cox, pre-rant. He says he's still the champion, and tries to snatch the belt back, but Swaggert's holding it too tightly. He's talked to Teddy Long and everyone else, but "apparantly" he won it fair and sqaure. Allow me to quote Shieky Babes when I say FACKING BOOLSHET!

Cryme Tyme's theme hits, and the crowd are silent for a bit - likely because they don't know who's coming out. Turns out to be Shad Gaspard, to a so-so amount of heat. At first, I thought breaking up Cryme Tyme was completely stupid, but eh..I'll give it a shot. See how they do on their own. I can't help but fear for how JTG will fare though, I hope he gets pushed as well as Shad. He's shown in brief flashes how good he can really be when given a chance. Shad has a mic. He shows a clip of him turning on JTG last week, after losing to Sean Morrison and the man this recap is named after, R-Truth. He asks if they liked that. Ya, no. He says some of ya'll can relate to him - wanting and deserving respect, but there's always someone standing in the way. He talks about how there's always a family member that gets all the attention when you get none. Always a Co-Worker that gets promotions when you work just as hard as they do. Always droids that aren't the ones you're looking for. Always Matrix dudes that tell you there is no spoon when there is CLEARLY A SPOON RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! He says that everyone needs to be a lot more like him. Stand up, break out, take what you deserve, with every angle make a swerve. No wait, that's Russo's motto, sorry. He says people like JTG stand in your way. He says this ain't no Cryme Tyme, just Shad Gaspard's Tyme. Out comes J-to-the-T-to-the-G, LIKE A BAWSS. And to my surpise, he actually chases Shad out of the ring, LIKE A BAWSS. Unfortunately, when he tries to give chase outside, he gets a big boot to the face. LIKE A BAWSS. Cue Admiral Ackbar.

I assume COMMERCIALS follow, so;

Commercial Thoughts - How many mascots does Gieco need anyway? They have the Gecko, the Caveman, the Money with Eyes, and now the "Does 10 pounds of flour make a really big biscuit?" guy. Money hungry motherfuckers..

When we come back, we are greeted to Drew McIntyre's kickass theme that I want so damned bad, and can not find in full ANYWHERE. Out he comes, with Randy Orton's patented slow walk. What's that? "If it's patented, how can other people use it" you say? You know what, fuck you. Respect my authoritah. McIntyre takes up a mic, and makes people wait for a bit, like he thinks he's Batista. He then says he's not going to waste his breath on us..you just did, you stupid fuck! Out comes Matt Hardy, with his new combat gloves. Because yeah, that's what was keeping you from becoming World Champion, you didn't have the gloves for it. They were just worried it would slip from your hand, is all! McIntyre tries for his usual pre-match attack, but the referee apparantly saw it coming, and quickly jumped in front of him to stop it. Wow, a ref that isn't blind, deaf and dumb in every sense of the word?! This is new..

Intercontinental Champion, Drew "the Big Mac" McIntyre vs. Matt "the Big Mac Lover" Hardy (Non-Title)

Drew dashes for Matt, but Matt stops him and starts pounding on him with punches. The ref forces a clean break in the corner, which gives Drew a chance to attack back, but Matt takes him to the mat and keeps the shots going. However, McIntyre counters with a kick to the knee, then follows up with a hard kick to the side of head of Hardy. Drew continues with the punches and kicks but Matt counters an Idiot Rush with a boot to the face, then comes off the second rope with a nice Flying Clothesline, for a nearfall. Matt starts choking McIntyre on the ropes, because yeah, that's how faces wrestle. Hardy with a Neckbreaker on McIntyre, gets two. Matt tries for an Irish Whip, Drew stops himself and goes for a kick, but Matt blocks it, and clotheslines him to the outside. And let me guess - yep, COMMERCIALS!

Commercial Thoughts - I'm a Dell, and Z-Truth was my idea.

When we come back, we see McIntyre has Matt in a chinlock, and get a replay of Matt being shoved into the barricade during the commercial break. Matt fights out with a few shots and a Kneeling Jawbreaker. Matt seems a bit discombobulated, however, firing a few wild shots that go nowhere near Drew. I really don't think that's an appropriate way to sell having your back worked on, but hey, I guess that's why I'm not in the ring right now. McInytre lifts Matt up with a Back Suplex - then drives him down onto the top turnbuckle! Hey man, nice move. Cover, gets two. McInytre takes Matt down with a rough Shortarm Clothesline, and earns himself some heat. Stomps for good measure, before a cover for two. Ref checks Matt, who acts as though he has no idea where he is.

McInytre stalks Matt as he gets to his feet, then continues beating him down. Matt counters a clothesline with a Side Effect, very suddenly, and hits another for good measure. Is it just me, or does the power of that move change every week? Sometimes he can hit in succession like it's one of those quick clotheslines that people get back up and charge again from, sometimes it gets photo-finish nearfalls. How weird. Hardy back to the second rope for his Yodeling Leg Drop - which has not been called by the commentators as such since the days of Atari - and it hits, for another nearfall. Hardy starts doing that groping stalk that he always does before going for the Twist Of Fate. He looks like such a perv when he does that..but McIntyre stops this with a kick and goes for the Future Shock DDT. There is no fucking way he's the first person to have that as the name of a finisher. Matt Back Body Drops out of it, therefore contradicting my earlier request for Fan Law amendment. God damn it..

Matt catches McIntyre with a kick that takes him to the outside. Matt goes out to the apron, and does a little more groping of the air, before hitting McIntyre with the Flying Elbow to the back of the head. Hardy tries to grab Drew, who pulls up the apron, and then pulls Hardy, sending him facefirst into the steel railing under the ring. Ha, I remember the first time he did that, to beat Morrison about six months ago or so. I thought it was a very clever finish, and the announcers sold it well. This time, though, it didn't look quite as impactful, nor did the announcers sell it like death, as they did before. McInytre grabs Matt up - and nails the Future Shock DDT onto the floor! McIntyre takes the limp Hardy up, and throws him into the ring..pins him for 3.

Winner: Drew McInytre

Rating: ***


Liked that match a lot. A little slow at times, but very solid. They've had worse with this match-up, and the finish was fairly brutal looking. Surprised this got as much time as it did, as neither of these two have very long matches most of the time.

We're reminded that Darren Young will be losing his awful hair tonight.

COMMERCIALS

Commercial Thoughts - I don't have any for right now. Don't complain. I don't even have commercials with this, you're lucky to get any at all.

We come back to see the SEC - I mean, SES come out, including Young Darren. Matt Striker puts over hair as being the source of all sin and evil. No, seriously. He does. Punk takes up a mic, then gives it to Serina, who calls the crowd sinners and addicts. The crowd of course cheers this. Baa, baa, black sheep..she says if they would just allow themselves to find Straight Edge through the grace of CM Punk, then all of them, just like her, could take her meaningless, worthless lives and make them better. Okay, I'm sorry that was a run-on sentance. I didn't know she would speak that long. Serina hands the mic to Noose's Gallows. He tells us that he is slowly but surely recovering from his case of Elephantitus, and thanks us for his support. Actually, he just says the moment of cleansing is worth a lifetime of pain. I like my version. Punky (oh, Punky) takes the mic, and tells us that there was a time that Luke and Serina were as weak and powerless as everyone in this arena today. He buries the crowd, and essentially tells them that they're bigger losers than Daniel Bryan. But he saved Luke and Serina, and they are no longer anchored under the muck and the myer and this is getting wordy. Whatever happened to shouting "THIS IS STRAIGHT EDGE" and being done with it?

Punk says he used to see loneliness in the eyes of his disciples - the same loneliness he sees in the eyes of Darren Young. He tells him that his life is falling apart as we know it. Yeah, man, when Daniel Bryan's the only one you can beat, it's pretty sad. But all is not lost. He says he won his match on NXT because of the power of Grayskul-, I mean, Straightedge. He says he's giving Darren a choice, and he immediately sits on the chair without a second thought. Way to sell your confliction, kid. Punk, like Striker, tells us how evil hair is. Now that I think about it, Darren's hair does look like fire. Perhaps it is from hell! He asks Darren to accept Straight Edge into his life - which means no more drinking, no more smoking or late night partying, and no more losing LIKE A BAWSS. Punk then takes a moment to put his own hair over as a God among mortal follicles. The four raise their hands up - bam, boom, straight to the moon! But Darren suddenly stands..and says he's changed his mind! Ruh-oh Raggy!

Punk of course starts flipping a bitch over this, and Young shoves Punk to the mat, only to get jumped by the SES. And CM Punk takes up the shaver, about to RAPE HIM OF HIS DIGNITY - but out comes Rey Mysterio to say "his psyche, his choice" and stop this bullshit. Rey gets on the mic and accepts Punk's offer of putting his hair on the line in a match against Rey-Rey-Rey-Rey-Rey. Dignity rapists getting dignity raped, eh? Poetic..Rey caps it off by saying "you're one move away from the 619" - which is actually an ironic catchphrase, considering the 619 takes more time to setup then ANY OTHER FINISHER IN THE COMPANY.

COMMERCIALS..probably.

Commercial Thoughts - ..Nope, still nothing.

When we get back, out come THOSE GUYS. Your spirt lives on, Neil! Your spirit lives on..

The Grish: They call themselves the most awesomest tag team of all time. Now, as a teacher, surely you don't condone that kind of languange.

The Strike: No I don't - and don't call me Shirley.

AIRPLANCE REFERANCE. APPRECIATE IT. NAO!

One of THOSE GUYS takes the mic and introduces the Hart Dynasty to their opponents - the Dudebusters. The OTHER GUY takes the mic, and says that's not just a name, it's a lifestyle. It's true. I was walking along the street the other day, when I saw them come up to some guy, and ask him if he was a dude. He said yes - and they beat the fuck out of him, before cuffing him and taking him to jail. They bust dudes every damned day, man. Every damned day. THOSE GUYS say that when the Harts were crawling around in their granddaddies basement, they had to get to the WWE on their own. They don't come from a famous family, but that's okay, 'cause they got SKILLZ. Baretta beat Call of Duty 4 in a day, whereas Croft got 12 three pointers in Basketball - blindfolded. But they aren't just here to brag. Holy fucking shit, they just said "We're not THOSE GUYS"......that..was creepy. Seriously, what the hell..they same their names are Trent Barretta and Caylen Croft - write it down and memorize it. I swear to God, that's so weird. As I bask in the surreality of that moment, out come the Hart Dynasty. We see a highlight from a match between the Hart Foundation and the British Bulldogs. According to Grisham, Bret Hart told us that they pulled out the torch that was stuck in the ground, and now carry it well. Striker takes it as an Excalibur referance. Cue Lex Luthor.

The Hart Dynasty vs. NOT THOSE GUYS

Tyson Kidd starts out against Caylen Croft. Kidd chain wrestles Caylen to the mat, then brings him up with a Front Facelock. Caylen takes Kidd off the ropes, but Kidd counters with a Shoulder Block. Kidd hits the ropes, the two do that "counter an armdrag with an armdrag" thing, but neither gets it off, and Kidd capitilizes with a knee to the stomach of Caylen. Kidd with a swift Snap Suplex on Lara's little brother. Kidd looks like he wanted to go for the pin, but Caylen makes his way to the apron. Kidd tries to follow, but Caylen hits a shoulder thrust, then goes for the Sunset Flip - but Tyson rolls out of it, and grabs the legs, perhaps going for a Sharpshooter - but Croft kicks Kidd to the outside. Baretta drops to the floor, and hits Kidd with a running elbow, before Croft pulls him back in for a two count. Croft pulls Kidd up, and nails a Facefirst Suplex, very well executed. Baretta gets tagged in, and Slingshots in for an Elbow Drop, for two.

Baretta gets Kidd in a Headlock, and Kidd fights to his feet as the crowd gets behind him. Kidd starts to fight away - but Baretta stops that with a nice Back Suplex. Baretta pounds on Kidd into the corner. Baretta goes for an Idiot Charge - but Kidd counters that by lifting up Barretta, and letting him fall facefirst onto the top turnbuckle! This gives Kidd a chance to get the hot tag to DH Smith, who comes in and starts beating on Baretta, in an attack that includes a Shoulder Block that Baretta sells with a flip. DH takes up Barreta and sets him up for the Springboard Hart Attack - but in comes Caylen, who takes a Dropkick from Kidd instead. This distraction allows Baretta to get out of the Hart Attack position, but DH still tosses him to the corner. Idiot Charge, Baretta dodges DH, (SHOCK HORROR) then goes for what looked like Spike Dudley's Acid Drop - but DH counters by Alabama Slamming him to the mat, then locking him into a Sharpshooter - for the submission.

Winner: The Hart Dynasty

Rating: **2/3


Quick-paced match. Very nice work, but I can't help but feel like that could've used a few more minutes.

TO THE BACK~! (Geeze, been waiting all night to say that) with Da Ziggmeister himself. Josh Matthews brings up Mr. Ziggles putting Kane to sleep last week, and asks him how that feels. Dolph Lundren responds "How does that feel? How does that feel?!?! I'll tell you how it feels..when I put monsters in a sleeper hold, and watch as their face turns blue, I get the sensation - THAT I'M STANDING ON A MOUNTAINTOP WITH THE WIND BLOWING THROUGH MY HAIR!!!" No, actually, he just puts Matthews in a sleeper. No, really. He puts him a sleeper. Meh, I liked my version better. This does seem to get some hatred from the crowd..good crowd tonight, actually. When THE GRISH questions this, Matt simply states that he is trying to make a name for himself - and that name is Ziggy Marley.

Matthews is dead, by the way. He was 29. We're gonna miss him..well, can't mourn forever.

We get a recap of Raw's bullshit earlier this week. I don't call it bullshit to spite what actually happened - rather because it's not like Raw has three minute recaps of SD's main events every damned week. Well, I skipped it, but you know what's in it. Otunga hosted, teamed with Cena, screwed him over, Batista attacked, yadda, yadda, yadda. The match between Cena and Batista is announced Last Man Standing. That could actually be good. Their WM match was surprisingly good - a lot better then the SummerSlam '08 match, atleast. Extreme Rules looks like a very interesting card so far, actually.

Cut TO THE BACK~! to see Edge fixing his elbow pads. SMELL THE RATINGS. Up comes Jimmy Swaggert, to tell Edge that he's pulling for him to win tonight. I see what you did there..he says perhaps Edge will have better success then he did at WrestleMania. Edge says that's cute, and mentions how when he first cashed in the MITB briefcase, he was like how Swaggert is now - he had big teeth, blond hair, and herpes. He then mentions how he lost the title three weeks later, which makes Jimmy take a defensive glance towards his BIG GOLD BELT. Edge then states that he'll beat Chris Jericho, then in three weeks, will beat Swaggert, after hitting him with a Spear. He then restates it with a lisp. Pfft, that joke is so one hour and thirty minutes ago.

COMMERCIALS

Commercial Thoughts - Hey, I have one now - no, wait..lost it. Thought I had something for a minute there.

When we come back, out comes your favorite wrestler and mine, R..V..er, I mean, Chris Jericho. He walks down the ring with Randy Orton's patented slow walk..DON'T SAY IT. By the way, I love the way Tony Chiamone says "Rated-R SuperstARRR".

Chris motherfucking Jericho (Cousin of Gary Motherfucking Oak) w/bandages that might as well be a sign that says "HIT ME HERE" vs. Edge w/o last name, which makes it seem like he's a diva or something

The announcers continue talking up the flying hug of death and despair, because we just can't hear enough about the damned thing. They circle each other as though they are dead vultures. Lock-up, Jericho gets a headlock. WWE MAIN EVENT STYLE~! Edge breaks it off the ropes, but Jericho counters with a Shoulder Block. Jericho hits the ropes - ducks a clothesline, but gets thrown over the top rope.

COMMERCIALS!

Commercial thoughts - I really hate mid-match commercials.

We come back, to see my requested amendment to Fan Laws revitalized, as Jericho counters a Back Body Drop with a kick to the face. Jericho hits the ropes, but Edge gets a Drop Toe Hold that takes Jericho between the ropes, giving me visions of Edge going for the 619, and busting his pasty ass. Instead, he hits an interesting move, hitting a crossbody to the back of Jericho, for two. Edge takes Jericho to the corner, and powerwhips him into the opposite post, ala SmackDown! vs. RAW. Edge takes Jericho and pulls him against the ring post, straining the injured ribs of Jericho. Ass. Edge back in the ring, he steals Orton's finisher, and punt kicks Jericho in the ribs. Jericho pulls Edge to the outside. Edge gets back onto the apron quickly, and Jericho nails the signature Springboard Dropkick! Jericho poses in the ring, as Edge fights to get up. Cut to the back for a moment, to see Swaggert, who just happened to be standing there, holding his belt, still wearing tights and a towel. Jericho hits the Catapault Guillotine, sending Edge neckfirst into the bottom rope. Jericho pulls Edge up, and slams him down with a crisp Back Suplex, for two. A few stomps to the back of Edge's nappy head. Jericho does that "Stand on their back while their between the ropes" thing that Christian always does. I have no real idea how to explain it in wrestling terms.

Jericho beats on (not off) Edge, taking up a few four counts in the corner. Edge rallies though, with a few shots to the ribs - but Jericho counters a bumrush with a clothesline, getting two off of it. Jericho pulls Edge up, and takes him back down with a Snapmare, before placing him in a Chinlock. Edge fights out of it, and hits the ropes - but Jericho catches him with a Spinning Back Elbow. Edge goes out to the apron, and Jericho follows - only to get a Shoulder Thrust to the ribs. Edge tries to follow up with a Sunset Flip - Jericho gets down to his knees and hooks the legs for 2 - Edge counters, getting back into Sunset Flip position for another 2 - and Jericho ends the little series by rolling out, and hitting a running kick to the face. Edge rolls under the ropes, and Jericho takes him to the outside with a Baseball Slide.

COMMERCIALS

Commercial Thoughts - Yep. Still hate them.

We come back, to see Jericho continue to masterfully destroy his poser of an opponent..not that I'm biased or anything. Jericho sends a few kicks to Edge that continue to take him to the outside. And Jericho does that "lounge on the turnbuckle" thing that Eddie Guerrero always used to do. Ha. Jericho waits for Edge to re-enter, gets another kick in. Jericho talks a load of smack to the crowd as he picks Edge apart. He starts the corner 10 punches - but only gets to three before taking Edge to the mat with a Half Nelson. Edge finally starts fighting back, sending Jericho to the corner. But Jericho counters the Idiot Charge with a boot. Jericho gets up to the second rope, and goes for a Double Axe Handle - but Edge catches Jericho with a shot to the stomach, forcing him to do a flip. And now, Edge starts fighting back, getting a clothesline in before nailing Jericho with a sweet Flapjack, followed up with the Edgacution, that gets a nearfall. Edge hits the ropes - Jericho with a kick to the stomach, followed by a Bulldog. Jericho tries to capitolize with a Lionsault, but Edge gets the knees up - only for Jericho to grab Edge's legs, and go for the Walls Of Jericho..he gets it! Edge screams like a bitch! TAP, YOU BITCH! Edge stays in it for bit, before getting to the bottom rope to break it. Jericho argues with the Referee for a bit, then charges Edge - only to get hit with a Big Boot. Man, Edge shouldn't use that. That move is CURSED. Look at how many untalented hosses used that move in '02 and '03, only to get fired a year later. Anyhow, the boot gets 2 for Edge.

Edge goes for the Edgacution again, but Jericho counters with a Double Leg Trip, going for the Walls again - but Edge counters with an Inside Cradle, that gets two..CODEBREAKER! Jericho nails the Codebreaker, and Edge falls to the outside! The Referee starts the count, while Jericho goes to get Edge back into the ring - for a close two count. Jericho gets pissed and starts slapping the back of Edge's nappy little head - but Edge counters with a second Edgacution! And Edge starts stalking, as the crowd erupts into chants of "Flying Hug of Doom and Despair"! Edge bumrushes, but Jericho leapfrogs it and gets to the outside - only to be caught with a Baseball Slide! Edge follows Jericho to the outside, and takes Jericho into the crowd! They brawl amidst the crowd - and the match ends with a Double Count Out. Gee! I wonder what that means for the Main Event of Extreme Rules! You don't think we might be getting a Triple Threat, do you?!

Winner: DRAW GAME

Rating: ***1/2


A good match, but I feel like the "heel beats on face, face tries to make a comeback" part went too long, and kind of stalled the matches momentum. Exciting finish, however.

The brawl continues in the crowd after the match ends. Edge appears to be trying to take Jericho back into the ring - but Jericho counters, whipping Edge into the Steel Steps! Jericho takes Edge into the ring and follows. Jericho pauses, then goes outside to retreive the timekeeper's chair! Boy, that guy loses his chair almost as often as Hugo and Carbrerra lose their announce table. Jericho takes the chair in the ring - but gets nailed with the Flying Hug of Death and Despair! Edge poses in the ring, as his music plays, and that wraps up this edition of SmackDown!.

Alright, well, this was a damned good show. All the matches were solid at a minumum, and great at a maximum, and I feel like they were REALLY pushing a lot of younger stars with this. Swagger, Morrison, Shad and JTG, The Hart Dynasty, The Dudebusters, McIntyre, Ziggler, all looked fairly good tonight, some of them looking like bonafide megastars. As well as this, nothing really dragged, and all stories were followed, and most of the main players were involved. Let's keep this kind of show going!

Show Rating: ****
 
SEND FEEDBACK TO JORDAN HUIE

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).