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WWE SMACKDOWN RANT

by "Great" Scott

April 8, 2011


Greetings one and all, 'tis I, "Great" Scott back from Las Vegas in one piece and not nearly as broke as I should be. I must say, Las Vegas is a decent city if you ignore the shortcomings (smoky lobbies, five Mexicans at every corner passing out porn pamphlets, traffic). As a matter of fact, I learned quite a few things when I was in Las Vegas. I learned so much, in fact, that I'm going to resurrect an old bit I used to do on this recap…

Top Ten Things "Great" Scott Learned In Las Vegas

There is one Asian who plays guitar on the street, and he lives in Las Vegas. This has to be true because it was written on his sign.

Anyway, if any of you folks are planning a trip to Las Vegas, and you're looking for some "great" things to see or do, just let me know! I'll point you in the right direction.

Now, on with the recap!

Show starts with its typical theme song asking, "Do you know the enemy?" I certainly do…the WWE writing staff. Any group of people who think continuing the Cole/Lawler feud beyond WrestleMania is a good idea is definitely my enemy.

After the intro, things start up with Alberto Del Rio and crew heading to the ring. Del Rio lost at WrestleMania because the WWE is retarded. Speaking of retarded, Michael Cole starts talking a few seconds in and my ears tune out.

When my ears begin functioning again, they hear an angry Del Rio saying that his destiny was merely, "delayed." I love how the WWE knows that the "WWE Universe" would rather see Del Rio vs. Christian, but they have to suck Edge's penis because he's been around so long. Edge is boring and predictable (even if he's still good on the mic)…just take the damn belt off of him and put it on Del Rio and let Edge feud with Christian like he's supposed to.

After a little bit, Edge's music cues up and he comes out with Del Rio's car on a tow truck (with Brisco Brothers' towing on the side…as a joke that all of four people will get). I guess Edge beat up Del Rio's car at WrestleMania…wow, what a thrilling storyline.

This is taking too long, so let me cut to the point: Christian's in the cab of the tow truck; he'll be taking on Del Rio for the number one contender's spot. At least I have something to look forward to this evening. I'm sure I'm going to sit through doo doo to get it.

And my prediction comes through, as tonight's show will feature a match that some people paid nearly $100 for just a few days ago. Except this time, it's two out of three falls because….err, I don't know why!

Big Show, Kane, Santino Marella, and Kofi Kingston vs. The Corre (Two-out-of-Three Falls)

It's hysterical to me that the WWE writer monkeys couldn't figure out anything better to do with Kofi Kingston than to stick him in an eight-man tag match that no one at all cared about.

You know what speaks volumes about the WWE's current crop of "talent?" The fact that Santino gets the biggest pop of all the entrants in the match.

I love how three out of four members of The Corre are champions, but they're still punching bags for pretty much anyone above the midcard.

Gabriel starts off with Santino. The two men exchange air kicks until Gabriel lands a real one and tags to Slater. Slater gets a few shots in and mocks Santino. Santino turns the tables with a judo throw and tags to Kane. Kane immediately lands a seated dropkick and then tags to Big Show. Show smacks Slater with a huge slap, slams him, and then steps on him. Show follows with a headbutt and tags Kingston. Kingston follows up by climbing on Show's shoulders and landing a big splash on Slater. Kingston signals for Trouble in Paradise, but Slater's partners pull him outside.

Momentum?!? What's that?!? It's COMMERCIAL TIME!

When we return, Kane is destroying Wade Barrett. Barrett manages to stop Kane with an elbow and tag to Jackson. Kane clamps on a headlock, but Jackson escapes. The two men collide on dueling shoulder blocks, but Barrett distracts Kane long enough for Jackson to take control. The next few minutes see The Corre making quick tags and stomping Kane in their corner. After a minute or two, Gabriel hits a nice flying dropkick as Jackson holds Kane. This, surprisingly, gets a two count for Gabriel. Kane eventually flings Gabriel across the ring and tags to Kingston. After wrecking shop on The Corre, Kingston lands a high crossbody of the top rope on Gabriel and gets the pin…huh? It's awesome how secondary moves only work as finishers in matches like this.

Before the match restarts, we go to a (well-timed for a change) commercial break.

How is Alberto Del Rio not in WWE All Stars?

When we get back, Heath Slater is beating on Santino. Santino finally escapes from a Slater half-nelson, but Slater lands a forearm and regains control. This doesn't last long, as Santino ducks a shot and runs through his offense. Unfortunately, while Santino cues up The Cobra, Slater tags to Barrett and Barrett boots Santino in the head. Barrett hits (a horrible version of) Wasteland to get the second pin of the match to tie the score. This is a barn-burner folks!!

Santino finally (sorta') recovers, but Barrett clobbers him in the corner and tags to Slater. The Corre works over Santino in their corner. Eventually, Jackson tries to pin Santino, but Big Show makes the save.

After a minute or two, Justin Gabriel misses a knee drop, giving Santino a chance to tag out to Kane. Kane (as always) runs through The Corre. Everyone gets involved and things break down. Kane is left in the ring with Barrett and signals for the chokelsam until The Corre comes in to make the save, but they draw the DQ.

Winners: Big Show, Kane, Kofi Kingston, and Santino Marella

Rating:

That match was decent enough, considering the participants.

After the match, the face team decimates The Corre…awesome champions that they are. The ultimate humiliation comes when Santino helps Kane and Big Show chokeslam Ezekiel Jackson. One final awesome moment sees Santino dive for cover during Kane's pyro. Chuckles all around.

After the match, Michael Cole talks and I hit fast forward.

The next PPV is Extreme Rules. I realize it's going to suck, but it's in my backyard, so I'LL BE THERE LIVE! Gosh, I hope Cole and Jerry Lawler are on the card!

Sin Cara…coming soon to a lower midcard near you! Just ask Kaval, Daniel Bryan, and Yoshi Tatsu!

Dear God…

Cody Rhodes vs. Trent Baretta (with Jobber Entrance)

I must admit, I like Rhodes' new "evil" jacket and theme song better.

The match starts with a little back and forth, but Rhodes gets the better of things. Baretta escapes to the apron and manages a clever move when Rhodes gives chase, kicking Rhodes as he comes through the ropes. Baretta follows up with a seated dropkick off the ropes. Rhodes regains control with a side Russian leg sweep and proceeds to beat Baretta in the corner. Rhodes hits CrossRhodes outta' nowhere for the win.

Winner: Cody Rhodes

Rating:

Eh, that match wasn't really long enough to be anything but average. It seemed like it was going in the right direction, though.

After the match, Rhodes beats Baretta down some more, until Mysterio comes out to make the save. Somehow, his theme music isn't enough to cue Rhodes in…as Mysterio surprises him. Mysterio tries to remove Rhodes' mask off, but Rhodes' turns tail and runs.

Who would kill Hayden Panettiere? If I were the killer in Scream 4, I would change my strategy in that one case.

After the commercial break, we get in the wayback machine and return to Monday, where John Cena appeared on RAW (with a new t-shirt). It's awesome that The Rock's mocking him for wearing a different colored shirt every week and the WWE thinks it's a good time to make ANOTHER one.

The crowd boos the living hell out of Cena, and he has to take it because he's the face…even though people hate him and he jumps people all the time, even when they don't do anything first. You know, in the "olden days" that used to be what we called a heel.

I decide to hit fast forward until The Rock comes out, and he obliges just a few seconds later. Funny, no one seems to be booing him…which is weird, since he screwed the "face" in these proceedings out of the title.

For some reason that escapes me, The Rock (in third person) pays respect to John Cena. The Rock, however, says that he doesn't like Cena…get in line, Rock. The Rock goes on to cut a generic promo until he insults Cena's style, which prompts Cena to make a Tooth Fairy crack. Wow, are they going to set up a Cena/Rock match for NEXT WrestleMania?!? Considering they make some matches the DAY OF WrestleMania, this is actually pretty funny. The crowd boos because this is kinda' stupid. It's not like the card THIS YEAR was all that great and they couldn't have made room.

Now, for some reason that makes no sense in any realm of logic or sense, The Corre comes out and beats on The Rock and Cena. What the holy hell is the point of this? To sell Cena and Rock as legit performers? Why? To cement the Rock's and Cena's manly bond? Why? To completely bury The Corre's credibility? Why? Seriously, this segment did NOTHING necessary in the world of the WWE.

Back in the present, Edge and Christian are chatting in the locker room. Gee, I don't see these two battling each other anytime soon.

I like how every male competitor on Tough Enough looks like someone who has already failed in the WWE already. For instance, the one guy looks like Ricky Ortiz, while another guy looks a little like Stevie Richards. Now, if I were part of the WWE creative machine (which I would never be because I have an IQ over eight, I understand what logic and consistency are, I understand what the WWE audience wants to see, and I would actually GIVE IT TO THEM), I would have the top performers on Tough Enough start a feud with the top performers on NXT (or vice versa actually). This would make the shows worth watching and maybe make folks care about the programs and the performers on them. I know this will never happen, because WWE already tanks NXT by having the announcers shit all over it, but a boy can dream, can't he?

Why bother building up PPVs that are happening soon, when we can build up WrestleMania 28!!

Undertaker won at WrestleMania…surprising. If only Vladimir Kozlov could return to take him on! He's already got a winning record against Undertaker!

Oh boy…here we go with the show's inevitable slide…

LayCool vs. Snooki Recap

Well, first, we see Snooki do a handspring elbow. Snooki looks like a black Mini Cooper (or Cooper Mini…I never know how to pronounce it). Man, she's as tall lying down as she is standing up…little piglet.

Anyway, back to the present, as it's…

LayCool vs. Kelly Kelly and Beth Phoenix

They're going to play Kelly Kelly's theme for this? I guess she needs to serve SOME purpose, because she sure as hell won't do anything in the ring.

Wow, at some point, Michael Cole makes it a point to say ENTERTAINING instead of WRESTLING. I guess they really are pushing that, "We're entertainment, not wrestling," thing to the moon, huh? Perhaps they'll change their name to We're World Entertainment…at least they wouldn't have to change their abbreviation again.

Beth starts with Michelle and Beth goes to work. At some point, Layla ends up on the floor and Michelle can't make the tag. The two members of LayCool start fighting, which continues when Layla tags in. Michelle pushes Layla into a Beth Phoenix press slam and Beth deposits Layla on the top turnbuckle. Beth tags Kelly Kelly, and Kelly Kelly actually does two semi-competent moves before nearly killing herself on a high cross body. Layla finally fights back with some horrible offense and then goes to tag Michelle, who fakes an injury to not make the tag. Kelly Kelly rolls up Layla from behind to get the win.

Winners: Beth Phoenix and Kelly Kelly

Rating:

The two stars are simply for the fact that there was some story in this match and that Kelly Kelly didn't kill herself or someone else.

Oh yeah, some advice for Layla: Be ready to lose A LOT if you feud with Michelle.

WWE is releasing another DX DVD…ohboyohboyohboy…or not.

Well, it's time to fast forward…

And now WWE shows what a bunch of shitheads they are by having Sin Cara come out. They realize NO ONE ON PLANET EARTH GIVES A CRAP ABOUT THIS ANGLE, so they have a new "entertainer" come out that people DO care about. I didn't realize Sin Cara meant, "Guy you put in angles to make people care about them when they otherwise wouldn't."

Sin Cara looks like a child next to Jack Swagger. However, Sin Cara gets in a few spots on Swagger and leaves. I fast forward again because Michael Cole opens his mouth again.

Man, this show should be called RAW, 2.0, since most of the show is made up of RAW footage.

Wow, that dude behind The Miz looks JUST like Terry Taylor (The Red Rooster).

Gosh, I sure hope that was SODA those folks were drinking…beer would be too un-PG.

After the commercial break, we see Michelle McCool in the back. Layla recommends couples therapy for LayCool. Oh, the hilarity.

Next, it's a recap of the Hall of Fame ceremony. Nice, but vanilla, segment.

Wow, this match is going to get 30 minutes? Well, expect at least two commercial breaks.

Alberto Del Rio (Without Car, but with Brodus Clay) vs. Christian

Wow, now Michael Cole is feuding with Tony Chimel. I guess that makes two matches for next WrestleMania…because people love matches with announcers.

Okay, commercial break number one.

Oh goody. When we get back, we see that Edge is going to join the commentary team. When it's this blatant, I don't see this helping Christian any.

Del Rio starts with a go behind, a club to the back, and some kicks. He applies a side headlock and shoulderblocks Christian when he tries to escape. The match resets. The competitors go for a test of strength, and Del Rio gets the better of it. After some back and forth, Christian puts Del Rio down with a side headlock. Del Rio gets to his feet and lands a knee lift and some punches, but whiffs a clothesline and runs into a pair of punches from Christian. Christian leaps to the outside to hit his big uppercut, but Del Rio moves out of the way. Christian slides back into the ring and tosses Del Rio over the opposite ropes. Del Rio tries to get back in the ring, but Christian baseball slide dropkicks him into the announce table. Edge mocks Del Rio with the belt and we head to commercial break number two.

When the show restarts, we see Del Rio shoving Christian into the ring steps. He follows this by shoving Christian into the security barricade. Back in the ring, Del Rio gets a two count on a pin attempt. He follows up by locking on a modified chinlock. Christian fights up with punches, but Del Rio returns fire with a headbutt and a backbreaker. He continues the onslaught with a stomp, choke, and kick to Christian's back. Christian stumbles into the corner and Del Rio punts him again. Del Rio smacks Christian, but runs into a right hand. Christian climbs up top, but Del Rio meets him and pulls off a big superplex that looked ridiculously painful.

Both men are down, but Del Rio makes it to his feet first. He groggily walks over to Christian, who rolls up Del Rio for a two count. Del Rio recovers with a nice seated dropkick, but can't maintain control, as Christian sends both men to the floor with a clothesline over the top rope.

As both men recover, Del Rio sends Christian head first into the ringpost and then throws him back in the ring. Del Rio tries to follow up with a senton out of the corner, but Christian moves out of the way.

Christian makes it up first and throws some punches and a forearm smash. He follows that with a dropkick off the corner and his leap to the outside punch. He goes to the top turnbuckle and connects with a high cross body that gets a 2.91 count.

Christian signals for the Killswitch, but Del Rio kicks out and tries for his cross arm breaker. Christian escapes from that, but misses a corner charge. Del Rio tries for a charge of his own, but Christian lands a mule kick and goes for his leaping sunset flip. Del Rio rolls through and slingshots Christian into the corner. Del Rio applies the cross arm breaker, but Christian reaches the ropes. Christian rolls to the apron and stuns Del Rio over the top rope when he tries to attack. Christian stalks Del Rio from the apron, but Brodus Clay distracts him. Edge spears Brodus and Christian climbs to the top rope. Del Rio, however, leaps up and kicks Christian off the top rope and gets the three count.

Winner: Alberto Del Rio

Rating:

That match was good, but not as good as matches these two have had in the past. I think we're seeing the breakup of Edge and Christian here. I'm hoping Del Rio wins at the PPV and goes on to take on someone else, while Edge and Christian feud separately.

Well, it's time to wrap this sucker up and call it a night. Let's hand out some awards.

The Really Great Thing of the Night: The first match and the last match were actually pretty good.

The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: Having Sin Cara coming out during a Michael Cole segment to attempt to make people give a shit about it. Also, jobbing The Corre out to Rock and Cena for no reason whatsoever kinda' sucks, too.

Well, that's it for another awesome (err…well, maybe not-vomit-enducing) episode of SmackDown. I hope you folks come back next week for another thrilling recap.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).