WWE SMACKDOWN RANT
April 1, 2011
Well, there are only two days until WrestleMania, which means little to me, because the card essentially sucks. Matches have been built up relatively well, but the performers involved pretty much suck, so it's kind of like movies where all the good stuff is in the commercials. Before I continue with this week's recap, I've decided to do my own little "bonus" segment where I try to be the booker. I'm not a huge fan of doing this normally, but I've decided to see if I can take the poop WWE has in its pile and make it into something halfway decent in a little segment I like to call…
"Great" Scott Tries to Book a Better WrestleMania
(Because Nothing Can Be Great in Today's WWE)
Well, I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but once the WWE plays the Snooki card, I have to step in. The first few matches booked for WrestleMania weren't half bad. I liked Alberto Del Rio as a challenger, and I didn't hate Cena vs. Miz. Then WWE had to go and book Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole. I didn't really mind this either, because every PPV needs a piss break. However, things just kept getting worse. No Money in the Bank match? Cody Rhodes but no Kofi Kingston? LayCool but no Beth Phoenix? SNOOKI!?!
Well, since I commute an hour each way to work everyday, I had plenty of time to think about how I would book WrestleMania this year. I'll start with the curtain-jerker match and build up to the main event.
Before we get started, here are my self-imposed rules.
I'm going to start my booking out a month from the event.
I'm going to try to make use of as much of the WWE's provided content as possible. In other words, if there's a feud going on, I'm going to try to use it…unless it involves Michael Cole.
I'm not going to bring wrestlers back from the dead or bring them back if there's no chance of them being resigned. I will, however, bring back guys that could potentially come back.
Some of the things I'm proposing would require us to "reset" some things (like Sheamus beating Daniel Bryan for the U.S. championship).
I'm only saying this once: no Lawler or Cole. I would have Cole getting beaten up so Jim Ross could call the PPV.
So, on to our first match…
William Regal, Primo, Tyson Kidd, JTG, Sheamus, Drew McIntyre, Goldust, David Hart Smith, Zach Ryder, Vladimir Kozlov, Santino Marella, Jimmy Uso, Jey Uso, Finlay, The Great Khali, Chris Masters, Chavo Guerrero, Tyler Reks, Ted DiBiase, Trent Baretta (Winner Picks a Partner to Challenge for the Tag Team Titles)
I know it; you know it. The WWE's tag team division sucks. I would've had this event born from Vince McMahon having a discussion with Arn Anderson or Mike Rotundo in the back bitching about how the tag team division isn't what it used to be. Vince comes up with a bright idea to throw some guys together for a battle royal, with the winner getting to pick a partner to challenge for the belts. Over the weeks leading up to the event, you could run some backstage segments with guys like Sheamus and Drew McIntyre talking about winning the belts.
If I booked the ending, it would see Primo, Zack Ryder, and any other guy in there. Primo would turn on Ryder (who he's team with now) to bring Carlito back…who would be in the back (because he's there supporting Primo). The Colons were the last decent tag team the WWE had. This could also spawn some logical teams like Drew McIntyre and Sheamus. Or, Vince could bring a few guys back (like Shad or Caylen Croft).
Rey Mysterio vs. Sin Cara
Okay, here's how this one would go down. Rhodes continues to attack and unmask Rey until Rey can't take it anymore and complete destroys Rhodes. Teddy Long decides that since Rey's mask is so important to him, he'll have Rey take on Sin Cara. The beauty of this is that even if the two have no chemistry in the ring, it would still be a better than a match with Rhodes involved.
Daniel Bryan vs. Evan Bourne (U.S. Championship)
Okay, I realize Bryan just lost the belt, but we're going to rewind that stupid decision and have Bryan welcome back Bourne and the two tagging together at some point. After a hard-fought victory for the high-flying duo, Bourne turns on Bryan, saying he deserves a shot and that he's been pushed around for too long without getting a shot at a belt. This match would be every wrestling fan's wet dream.
The Corre vs. The New Nexus vs. Big Show and Kane (Ladder Match: Loser Must Disband Match—If Kane and Big Show Win, Both Groups Disband)
Sure, no one would really want to see this, but I couldn't think of a logical way to get dead weight into this PPV while pushing an angle. This would be pretty much a MITB match, with a suitcase hanging from the ring. The winning group gets to disband the other group. I figure this wouldn't be a great match, but it would do a lot to advance some storylines. I don't think the Corre/Nexus angle was fleshed out well enough. We can take that storyline and blend it with the Corre vs. Kane and Big Show. It would be pretty clever. as each faction tries to get the other to piss off Kane and Big Show.
Essentially, the purpose of this match would be to get the guys in the Corre to branch off.
As far as the match goes, with guys like Punk, Gabriel, and Jackson in the fold, you figure there would be a few good spots. Big Show and Kane could probably also get a few spots in on Heath Slater and David Otunga, who are pretty much fodder anyway.
I think Punk wins this match because the guys in the New Nexus just aren't ready to branch out on their own yet. Barrett doesn't need a stable, Ezekiel Jackson is certainly better than guys like Khali and Mark Henry, and Gabriel and Slater aren't a horrible tag team. Some potential spin-off matches of this could be Big Show vs. Kane and Barrett vs. Jackson (after some miscue or something).
Christian vs. John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Yoshi Tatsu vs. Randy Orton (Money in the Bank Ladder Match)
I think these matches have been too crowded lately. Even a couple of the seven guys I put in here are just filler. If I had my way, Orton wouldn't even be on this PPV, but I'll squeeze him in here. Again, this would be a good vehicle to create some feuds. I think you turn Morrison heel here and throw him in a feud with Orton. I like Tatsu qualifying for this by getting an upset over someone just because he could probably throw in a few good high spots. I would book Christian to win this, just so he could throw a scare into Del Rio. A scene in the back could have Christian flashing the briefcase to Del Rio and telling him to watch his back.
Natalya vs. Beth Phoenix vs. Eve vs. Awesome Kong (Fatal Four-Way)
Yup, in "Great" Scott World, there is no room for LayCool. I see this going down as a Divas tournament where both members of LayCool getting eliminating so that feud could come to fruition. I think the finals see Nattie and Beth, which should end in a draw. The stupid GM makes the championship match a three-way dance. At the PPV, the GM strikes again, saying that since Eve won the belt being a mystery entrant, there's one for this match…Awesome Kong.
As far as the winner…anyone but Eve would be fine.
Undertaker vs. HHH
This match can stay just the way it is. There's really no one else on the roster who could draw as much interest as HHH when it comes to taking on Undertaker.
Edge vs. Alberto Del Rio
While I'm not a huge fan of Edge, this match isn't horrible either. We'll leave it as it stands, with Del Rio winning.
Cena vs. Miz vs. The Rock vs. Alex Riley
Okay, I know what you're thinking, "Alex Riley in the main event at WrestleMania!?!" Here's how and why I would do this. First, The Rock needs to be involved in this match. Miz vs. Cena just doesn't scream "MAIN EVENT," so instead of having Rock phone in his segments, he needs to confront Cena face-to-face. That leads to the match becoming a three-way dance. The Miz, of course, is livid, so he challenges Cena to a match to add ANOTHER guy to the match. Whoever wins can pick the other guy. Miz cheats to win and selects Alex Riley.
The reason for Riley being in the match is that he keeps trying to let Miz pin him for the win, which essentially makes Riley a punching bag for Cena and Rock. It would be a cool sub-plot for the match, as Cena and Rock beat on each other and the Miz while continuously looking over their shoulders for Alex Riley. That way, Riley wouldn't really have much of a chance to be anything more than a positive addition to the match. An offshoot plot of this could be Alex Riley realizing that he could win the belt and him turning on Miz to try to pin one of the other guys. I'm just thinking this would have the ability to be a clever match.
Well, now that I look at that card…it's really only marginally better than the actual card…but I'm no miracle worker. Anyway, on to tonight's festivities…
Wade Barrett vs. Kofi Kingston
This match is for the title, so Kingston essentially has no chance here…especially since he's not going to WrestleMania. (Because who would want to see him when we can see Michael Cole compete?)
Michael Cole, showing his awesome consistency, is for Kingston in this match.
Kingston starts out quickly and tries for Trouble in Paradise, but Barrett holds the ropes and backdrops a charging Kingston over the top. Kingston, however, holds on to the top strand and goes for a springboard attack. Barrett has other ideas, and boots Kingston to the floor.
Barrett follows Kingston outside and works him over a bit. Barrett tosses Kingston back in and hits a pump handle slam. He follows that up by applying a neck wrench. Kingston fights up, and gets in some double chops and a dropkick. He tries for the S.O.S, but Barrett fights out. Barrett sends Kingston to the corner, but Kingston hits his upside down kick through the ropes and follows it with a high cross body.
After a two count, Kingston lands the double leg drop and signals for the Trouble in Paradise. Midway through the move, Barrett hits a big boot. Barrett signals for Wasteland, but Kingston grabs the top rope. Kingston dodges a Barrett charge and hits Trouble in Paradise, but The Corre makes the save.
Winner: Kofi Kingston (by DQ)
That match was just there. Its purpose wasn't to be good, but to set up the completely boring four-on-four match (involving the Corre) at the PPV.
After the match, Santino, Kozlov, Big Show, and Kane come to make the save, quickly dispatching the heels. The funniest part is that the only guy left in the ring that's halfway decent (Kingston) isn't involved in the WrestleMania match.
After the match, we're "treated" to a buildup for the Rhodes/Mysterio match. I'm really getting sick of this angle, because it is utterly retarded that they couldn't do SOMETHING to Rhodes to make him look beat up. I'm sure WWE is going for irony here (Rhodes isn't messed up, but he THINKS he is), but I'm thinking the WWE's key demo (ADD-addled rednecks ages 18-25) isn't exactly catching on to the subtly irony.
WrestleMania is going to be four hours? I'm betting that AT LEAST two hours of the show consists of commercials, buildup videos, and skits.
WWE All Stars has Mr. Perfect in it…it's mine.
You can get Randy Orton at K-Mart…sometimes the jokes just write themselves.
After the commercial break, the WWE pimps its Axxess event. Apparently, you can see Hornswoggle's house under the ring and Vince McMahon's exploded limo from the angle that they had to abort because Chris Benoit had to go and kill himself and his family.
Speaking of killing oneself, Todd Grisham is here with the "I guess this is something you two useless twits can do" (Bella) twins. The twins are in full heel mode…which really means nothing at all. After they say some stuff, Todd introduces the Undertaker/HHH package. The only high point of this video package is that Giant Gonzalez is in it.
Seriously, though, this match is one of three that really has any right to be on a major PPV (the Edge/Del Rio and Cena/Miz matches being the other two). Three matches does not a PPV make.
Portal 2 looks good, but I'm nervous that it's going to get a little too complicated. Portal was one of the best video games I've ever played, and it was pretty simple, from a gameplay standpoint. I can only hope the sequel is somewhere close.
After another commercial break, it's time for the Orton/Punk package. I guess at least this match has some logic to it, but the WWE had to reach waaaaay up its own ass to pull out said logic. They should've maybe thrown these guys in the main event with Cena and Miz…so at least three guys could cover for the fact that Randy Orton is useless. Punk and Rock would've been awesome to see in a promo together.
Oh boy, next, we're going to get a response from Jerry Lawler…I read on the RAW recap that Lawler took on Swagger on RAW and King beat him with a chair and went after Cole. Wait a minute…I just remember that I DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT THIS ANGLE!
The Road Warriors are in the hall of fame. I'll tell you what…they were pretty fun to watch, but their interviews were awesome. I remember two quotes in particular:
(Before a match with the Orient Express) "You may have, `Oh what a feeling,' but we have ooooohhhhhhhhh what a RUSH!"
(Before a match with Power and Glory) "Power and Glory, huh? Power…and Glory? When we're done with you, you're going to be SOUR and GORY! Oooooohhhhhhh what a RUSH!"
After that, I fast forward for a few minutes because Michael Cole is prominently displayed on my screen. I stop it when Lawler comes on because…well, I don't know why. Before Lawler starts talking, he looks over to Cole's stupid plastic box and Cole isn't there.
Lawler cuts a pretty by-the-book promo. The entire time, I'm praying that WrestleMania ends this miserable angle and puts Cole out of commission for a while, because I'm really tiring of Evil Michael Cole.
More commercials follow, and then we head back to RAW for the Undertaker/HHH/HBK love triangle. The gist of the segment is that Shawn Michaels isn't confident of HHH's ability to beat the Undertaker. The segment was actually really good…every guy did his job really well in the promo. I wish you could buy WrestleMania on a match-by-match basis. I would definitely buy this one…even though I think it's going to be a bit of a letdown. The only way that this match will live up to expectations is if psychology can make up for the declining abilities of the competitors.
Keri Hilson is singing America the Beautiful at WrestleMania…which means nothing to me because I don't know who she is. I guess they spent all their money on Snooki.
Ugh, I'm tiring of the Bella Twins already. PG WWE blows.
Next, it's time for The Miz's appearance on Conan (not the Barbarian, the red-headed comedian). He dubs O'Brien the "Ginja Ninja," which could be the most awesome thing ever. Seriously, I'm liking Miz more and more every time he's on the screen. It also helps that Michael Cole removed his lips from Miz's penis and attached them to Jack Swagger's.
The next segment involves Snooki AND Vickie Guerrero…and FAST FORWARD.
More commercials, more boring Bellas, and then it's on to the Edge/Del Rio video package. Del Rio is awesome, and Edge is getting tiresome. Let's get some new blood in the championship picture.
Oh boy, another match! Bad news? The match is…
Cody Rhodes vs. Chris Masters
Cody Rhodes' new music sounds a little like Ice, Ice Baby. This match actually has some crazy logic to it, as both men had mirrors involved in their entrances at one point. Okay, maybe that was a stretch, but I'm really getting bored with this show…
The match lasts about 30 seconds before stupid ass Cole comes back to ringside. I was sorta' liking the fact that I didn't have to listen to him for the last half hour.
Oh yeah, there was a match…I look up to see Masters try to lock on the MasterLock. Rhodes gets to the ropes and then headbutts Masters with his titanium mask (ala Brutus Beefcake at WrestleMania IX). Rhodes hits the CrossRhodes and gets the win.
Winner: Cody Rhodes
That match wasn't bad, but too much crap was going on for me to pay 100 percent attention.
After the match, Rey Mysterio comes out to mete out some revenge, but Rhodes escapes.
Next, it's time to watch Chris Jericho hemorrhage credibility on Dancing with the Stars. Sigh.
The show concludes with the Rock/Cena/Miz bit from RAW. The Rock took out Miz and Riley and then Cena FU'd The Rock. That clearly means that Miz will win at WrestleMania. I haven't really cared much about The Rock's involvement in WrestleMania since I found out he wasn't competing.
That's it for the show. The awards are going to be tough tonight considering the lack of real content…but I guess I'll give them out anyway.
The Really Great Thing of the Night Award: I'll give it to the recap of the HHH/Undertaker interview from RAW. The match looks somewhat intriguing, even though we know who's going to win.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night Award: Pretty much everything else, but I'll give the award to the Bella Twins, for clearly being thrown into the Axxess thing because they really serve no other purpose.
That's it for this week, everyone. I'll see you next week with my thoughts about WrestleMania.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).