WWE SMACKDOWN RANT

by "Great" Scott

March 18, 2011

Hello, everyone. I know it's been a while, but "Great" Scott is back with another SmackDown recap.

Before I continue, I'd like to explain my recent slacking on the recaps. It's sorta' funny, because Malcolm over at the NXT recaps sorta' touched on how none of us really talk about ourselves much, and I was all prepared to tell you all about how 2011 hasn't been such a "great" year for yours truly. It started in mid-January with a trip to the emergency room after rolling my ankle in a game of pickup basketball. I've been playing for probably 20 years and I've never sprained my ankle so bad. After four days on crutches and three weeks of not playing ball, I finally hit the courts again three times, only to get a cold that morphed into bronchitis. After the bronchitis went away, my in-laws came over to visit and flooded half of my damned house. (Lesson learned? Always check to make sure the toilet's stopped running before you leave the house.) That meant thousands spent on new flooring. I had to live in my house for a week with dirt, dust, debris, and none of my electronic devices hooked up. Plus, we had to keep all of our crap in the kitchen (since it was spared the damage because it's tiled and not carpeted), so it was fast food every frickin' day. I don't know how Morgan Spurlock managed to do that shit for a month. Anyway, throw in my dad being in the hospital twice in the last three months, a flaring case of tennis elbow (from playing basketball?!? The hell??!?!), and my insurance company changing, so all the damned bills for my trip to the emergency room keep coming to me telling me I don't have insurance, and you have some reasons why I haven't managed to get these recaps done.

However, my bitch-fest pity party is over…I'M BACK!! Let's get on to this week's (sure to be mediocre) episode of SMACKDOWN!

The show starts with an announcement that really doesn't make me give a damn…Big Show and Kane vs. The Corre for the tag team belts. Please don't be the main event.

Then, the show earns its Not-So-Great Thing of the night award right away by giving Michael Cole a G.D. entrance. This leads me to my first fast forward of the night, because I'm so over Michael Cole it's bordering on causing internal illness. I would rather have hemorrhoids on my entire body than listen to him anymore.

Well, at least we're getting an interesting match to start things off…

Edge vs. Brodus Clay

I believe it's safe to say that Brodus has one of the most interesting body shapes that I've ever seen. He looks like he swallowed a Volkswagen.

Things start out with Edge using quickness to hit some punches on Clay. Edge tries for a double axehandle, but Brodus catches him in one of the slowest "exploder" suplexes I've ever seen. Brodus works on Edge's arm for a little bit and then lands a crazy punch right to Edge's chest. Ouch.

Brodus clamps on another hold, focusing on Edge's arm and shoulder. Edge punches out and goes for a tornado DDT, but Brodus shrugs it off and clotheslines Edge. Brodus follows it up by making goofy noises like Umaga and the Berzerker used to do. Clay tries to follow up with a splash, but Edge moves and lands a pair of clotheslines. Man, Clay moves like a turtle swimming in molasses.

Anyway, Clay shrugs off another Edge attack, but Edge drop toeholds Brodus into the corner and mounts the turnbuckles to hit a flying cross body. Brodus kicks out, which sends Edge rolling to the apron. Edge shoulder butts Brodus as he attacks, and slides through Brodus's legs and goes for a pin. Brodus does what any smart fat guy would do and sits down on Edge's chest…which is akin to a mechanic having a compact car fall off a jack onto him (or her…women can be mechanics, too).

Somehow, Edge kicks out. Brodus drags Edge to the corner and charges in for the Rikishi stinkface. Edge moves and hits a bulldog from the second rope. Edge slithers to the corner and pulls at his hair, which is the singal for the spear. Ricardo Rodriguez leaps on the apron to distract the ref, while Del Rio grabs Edge's leg. This distracts Edge long enough for Brodus to level him. Yet again, Edge kicks out of a pin. All of a sudden, Christian comes out to attack Del Rio, but Brodus head butts him. As Brodus turns around, Edge attacks, ducks a clothesline, and hits the spear to get the win.

Winner: Edge

Rating:

I'm not enough of a masochist to watch NXT, so I don't know much about Brodus Clay. I've heard he was supposed to be a "suplex master." I wasn't that impressed. He moves at the speed of erosion and he only did one suplex. He seems like an amalgamation of every fat guy wrestler the WWE's ever had…sort of like a sports entertainment version of Serpentor. If you don't know that reference, I'm not wasting my time with you.

After the match, Alberto Del Rio attacks Edge. Christian makes the save, and the two men fight to the outside. The WWE is utterly retarded to think Edge/Del Rio is a better WrestleMania match than Christian/Del Rio. Del Rio should've already won that belt.

Teddy Long comes out and actually makes me happy by making the main event of the night Del Rio vs. Christian in a steel cage. That might be the best main event I've seen in a year on this show.

After the commercials, we're reminded yet again why WWE is retarded, as Sheamus defeated Daniel Bryan to win the U.S. championship. Let's keep pushing the big guys while guys like Carlito, Kaval, and Daniel Bryan get pushed into quitting.

Sheamus vs. Kofi Kingston

I'm wondering the WWE writer monkeys are looking at how horrible the WrestleMania card is and are trying to create an insta-feud to fill up the PPV. This isn't exactly what I would do to fill it.

Anyhow, Sheamus starts things out with power moves while Cole whines like a six-year-old who wants some Gummi Bears. Kingston fights back with punches and then ducks out of the way of a corner charge. Kingston gets in some mounted punches in the corner, but Sheamus lifts him out into a powerbomb position and drops Kingston into to the top turnbuckle. Sheamus follows with a neckbreaker and a knee to the back modified camel clutch. Kingston punches his way out, but runs right into a back elbow. Sheamus feels like he's won the match already, so he poses for a bit. He tries for another neckbreaker, but Kingston escapes and regains control with the upside down corner kick. He follows up with a high cross body off the top rope, but Sheamus rolls through and hoists Kingston up into position for a powerslam. Kingstoin escapes and unloads on Sheamus. Sheamus tries to fight back, but Kingston traps him in a side Russian leg sweep. Kingston follows with a leaping clothesline and the Boom Boom double leg drop. He signals for the Trouble in Paradise, but Sheamus rolls to the apron. Kingston tries to follow up, but Sheamus stuns him over the top rope. Sheamus gets back in the ring and is met by a Kingston elbow. Kingston hits the S.O.S and goes for a cover, but Sheamus grabs the bottom rope. Sheamus rolls to the outside, only to have Kingston hit a nutty leaping clothesline from the ring steps. Sheamus' head hits the ground hard, but Kingston just keeps punching away at him. Sheamus kicks Kinston off and runs for his life. Kingston tries to chase him over the steps, but Sheamus intelligently kicks the steps into Kingston's leg and then rolls him back into the ring, where Sheamus hits his bicycle kick to get the win.

Winner: Sheamus

Rating:

Wow, that was actually a pretty decent match. However, I would MUCH rather see two announcers fight at Wrestlemania than either of these two guys.

After the match, we're treated to "highlights" of the Kane/Big Show/Corre clusterfu…I mean "feud." I don't know where the hell they're going with this, but they'd better get there fast.

After that, Kane and Big Show bond in the back. Kane quotes Jerry Maguire. That was actually sorta' funny.

Trent Barreta vs. The Phantom of the Opera

Okay, it's really Cody Rhodes, with new "edgy" music. I guess Rhodes is going to wrestle in his Joseph A. Banks suit. This is ridiculous.

Rhodes goes to work early with kicks and punches. Baretta almost looks like he's going to get a move in, but Rhodes hits a pair of face mask headbutts which are apparently so devestating that he gets the win. I guess Rhodes got his mask at the same place Lex Luger got his arm fixed.

Winner: Cody Rhodes

Rating:

That match consisted of two or three punches, a kick, and two headbutts. I didn't think anything could be worse than the Cody Rhodes grooming tips, but the WWE outdoes itself again.

After more commercials, I fast forward through another package on HHH vs. The Undertaker. Next, it's time for divas "action."

Layla (with Michelle McCool) vs. Kelly Kelly

The only thing keeping me watching at this point is that the main event will be really good. It's sorta' like Andy Dufrense in Shawshank Redemption. I'm crawling through shit to get to freedom on the other side.

The match is bad enough without Michael Cole and Michelle McCool talking about fucking Snooki. In the ring, Kelly Kelly goes the reverse Tajiri and then walks on Layla before hitting some horrible clotheslines, a kick, and a head slam. Kelly Kelly tries to follow with a handspring elbow, but Layla boots her right in the back. Even I have to admit that looked sorta' painful.

Layla can't follow up, as apparently Kelly Kelly has been taking invincibility lessons from Randy Orton. Kelly Kelly goes to the second turnbuckle to do something, but Michelle starts barking at her, which allows Layla to trip up Kelly and get the victory.

Winner: Layla

Rating:

That could've been worse, I guess.

The tag team championship match is up next. I'm sure this match won't end in a big clusterfuck. That's the defining feature of this feud.

Sin Cara is coming…to SmackDown I hope. Anything to take time away from some of the shit I normally have to watch.

Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater vs. Big Show and Kane

Big Show and Kane show solidarity by coming down to the ring separately. If the WWE is smart, a Big Show/Kane vs. The Usos match will be scheduled for WrestleMania. Or, maybe Big Show/Kane vs. the douche bags from Jersey Shore! Because F-list celebrities are why we buy wrestling PPVs!!

Kane starts out with Justin Gabriel. I'm sure this won't be a squash. Kane obviously beats the holy hell out of Gabriel. Gabriel quickly tags out, and Slater is also destroyed by Kane. Kane hits a side slam and then punches Slater in the corner. Slater has the audacity to fight back, going to work on Kane's leg. Slater tags to Gabriel, who continues to work on Kane's leg. The Corre members tag in and out quickly, but Kane uppercuts Gabriel coming off the ropes. Kane tags out and now it's Big Show's turn to decimate The Corre. Eventually, Big Show signals for a chokeslam on Slater. He hits it and goes for a cover, but Gabriel pulls the ref out of the ring…drawing the DQ.

Winners: Kane and Big Show (by DQ)

Rating:

That was a squash match, and a horrible one at that.

After the match, Kane slugs Gabriel and sends him into the ring for Big Show to chokeslam. This brings out The Corre. Jackson levels Big Show and then Jackson, Slater, and Gabriel hoist Big Show onto Barrett's shoulders so he can sorta' just drop him (but the announcers say he hit The Wasteland). I think big Zeke should stick to manhandling Big Show.

Eventually, Kane wakes up, but he's quickly taken out by The Corre. Wow, I feel totally apathetic about this. Big Show tries to make the save, but The Corre continues its dastardly deeds. Booker T says someone needs to call the police. Why? For impersonating the NWO? At some point, Jackson and Barrett drop Big Show onto the announcers' table, but I don't think it broke properly. It looks like Big Show's arm took the brunt of that. The thought of a four-on-two match at WrestleMania makes me not give two craps, until I realize that there are at least two matches on the card that are already worse than that.

After the beatdown, we get an angry interview with Alberto Del Rio. It's getting harder and harder for Alberto Del Rio to pull this horrible show out of the pile of shit that it's become.

The True Story of WrestleMania is coming out on DVD. The WWE plays fast and loose with the word "true," so I'm sure this creation will provide a completely revisionist version of things.

Oh no, Jack Swagger is out next. I actually liked this guy for a bit…but now, ugh.

Jack Swagger vs. Chris Masters

Michael Cole talked too much at the beginning of the match, so I fast forwarded over the entire thing.

Winner: I don't know and I don't care.

Rating: Zero Tony the Tigers

From now on, anything involving Michael Cole is going to be boycotted. I almost wish they'd bring Vicki Guerrero back. Focusing on Michael Cole during WWE broadcasts is like allowing fans to play in NBA games. They don't do it because WE WANT TO SEE TALENTED PERFORMERS PERFORM, NOT IDIOTIC TOOLS!

Man, I already know who my pick for the "biggest loss of credibility" Fanny Award is going to be, as Chris Jericho is on this season of Dancing with the Stars.

After commercials and a recap of Dusty Rhodes turning heel, it's time for yet another match! I guess the WWE's new strategy is quantity over quality.

Rey Mysterio vs. Ted DiBiase (with Maryse)

Wow, I almost forgot he was on the roster! I thought maybe he was off filming The Marine 8 or something.

The match starts with some back and forth, but Rey eventually takes control with a drop toe hold in the corner. He tries to follow with a leaping attack off the top rope, but DiBiase drop kicks him. Things go back and forth some more, with DiBiase getting the upper hand with a clothesline. He follows up by clamping on a chinlock. Rey fights to his feet, but DiBiase hits a backbreaker and a knee to the back of Mysterio. DiBiase catches Rey again and tries for a powerslam, but Rey rolls through with a modified tornado DDT. Still SOME MORE back and forth, and then DiBiase hits a CRAZY sit down slam after Rey tries a flying head scissors. It's hard to explain, but Rey's head almost ended up his own ass. That looked BRUTAL. DiBiase goes for a pin, but only gets two. DiBiase goes for Dream Street, but Rey (clumsily) escapes. Rey follows up by dropkicking DiBiase's knee, which puts him in position for the 619. Rey hits it and follows up with a splash from the top to finish things. Maryse leaves ringside with a disgusted look on her face. I don't know what the WWE is relying on more: "guys who can't win" angles or "guys who get fired, just to come back a week later" angles.

Winner: Rey Mysterio

Rating:

That match was short, but actually pretty damned good. And remember folks, DiBiase is not involved in WrestleMania matches, but Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, and Snookie ARE!

Next, Snooki and Vickie Guerrero from RAW…hello, Mr. Fast Forward.

I think the WWE thinks having The Rock and Steve Austin involved in WrestleMania will blind us to the absolute shit they have on the card. Seriously, this PPV is one Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero match from being an episode of SmackDown.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Christian

Okay, I'm really hoping this is worth it.

Del Rio looks petulant and pissed as he makes his way to the ring while still trying to maintain his arrogant persona. See, everyone on the roster…this is how to FUCKING SELL EMOTION. Yes, Randy Orton, I'm looking at you.

Christian walks to the ring like a man on a mission (no, not Mo and Mabel). This match should be AWESOME.

Del Rio charges quickly, but Christian is ready. Del Rio, however, ends up on top with some mounted punches. Christian blocks a slam to the cage and mule kicks Del Rio. Christian tries to slam Del Rio into the cage, but Del Rio blocks. Christian tries for the Killswitch, but Del Rio fights out. Christian throws Del Rio into the corner, and Del Rio leaps to the top turnbuckle and starts climbing out. Nice! Christian follows him and stops him. Somehow, Del Rio gets behind Christian and tries to German suplex him off the top rope, but Christian holds on to the cage while Del Rio still tries for the suplex. Finally, Christian elbows his way out and tries to climb out. Del Rio stops him and then SAMOAN DROPS HIM OFF THE TOP ROPE. Not the corner, mind you, THE ROPE! NICE AGAIN!

Both men are down, so we go to commercials.

I'm hearing mixed reviews about Homefront. Anyone play it yet? I'm hearing the campaign is too short and the game ends too suddenly. I was going to buy it, but I'm glad I waited.

Upon our return, we're treated to Del Rio stomping away at Christian. He follows up by shoving him into the cage. Christian tries to regain control, but Del Rio dodges a charge and sends Christian into the cage. Del Rio follows up by baseball kicking Christian into the cage and foot shoving him into the cage. Del Rio stays on top with a suplex and then goes for a pin. Del Rio slows down the pace with a rear chinlock. Christian lands some punches to Del Rio's gut, but a knee lift puts Christian back down. Del Rio starts to climb out, but Christian grabs Del Rio's leg and drops him over the top rope. Del Rio fights back with a kick and a slap, but Christian blocks Del Rio's attempt to launch him into the cage. Christian slips behind Del Rio and pops off with an inverted DDT. After a failed pin attempt, Christian lands a flurry of punches punctuated with an uppercut and a slam to the cage. After ANOTHER failed pin attempt, Christian heads to the door. Del Rio, however, grabs his leg. Christian stomps Del Rio to escape, and then Christian starts climbing the care. Del Rio hits a leaping punch, and then follows with a picture perfect leaping enziguiri. Del Rio's pin attempt only gets two. The two men fight as Del Rio tries to escape from the cage, but Christian eventually stops him. Del Rio tries to lock on the cross arm breaker, but Christian spins it into the Kill Switch. He goes for the cover, but NOOO! Wow.

Both men are down again, but Christian crawls to the cage and starts climbing. Del Rio yanks him down and repeatedly shoves him into the cave. With Christian trapped between the ropes and cage, Del Rio uses Christian to climb up. Del Rio gets to the top and Christian climbs to meet him. The two men sit on top of the cage and punch away, until Del Rio slams Christian head onto the cage. Del Rio continues to climb down the cage, but Christian leaps on his back. Del Rio elbows at Christian, but it appears that Del Rio has his arm stuck in the cage. Eventually, Christian falls off the cage and wins the match.

Winner: Christian

Rating:

That match was about the best you're going to see on SmackDown. I'm not a fan of having Del Rio lose to a guy that's not even on the WrestleMania card, but the match was still good.

After the match, Del Rio jumps Christian and promises to destroy him. Unfortunately, he never gets to do it, because Edge is in his car. Now, it would be smart for Del Rio to threaten to beat the crap out of Christian to retaliate for Edge f'ing with the car…but I guess the WWE script writers aren't…oops, out comes Brodus Clay. Okay, that was just as smart as what I had planned. Sorry, writer monkeys.

The show ends with Del Rio con-chair-toe-ing Edge's arm. I love me some Alberto Del Rio. But you already knew that.

Well, the awards will be SUPER easy to give out tonight.

The Really Great Thing of the Night: The main event was one of the best matches I've seen in a long time.

The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: Michael Cole's continued push and his sucking Jack Swagger into his vortex of horribleness.

Thanks for your patience with me over the last few weeks, everyone. I'll be back to providing regular recaps now…I promise! See you all next week!

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