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LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
(03/05/10)
BY SHANE STEELE
Yeah, yeah, I know it's been a while since I've been here. Long story short, the last two weeks have been insanely busy for me. Even this week has been busy, with next week not looking any better. So for this week and the next, I'll be relying on the ever-popular YouTube for the recaps and axing the Commercial Thoughts. Or thoughts of any kind. My brain hurts.
 
Tonights main event will be Edge vs. former crony Big Show. And here to kick off the show is Edge, who I guess is filling in for Batista as the guy who always ends and/or begins the show. A replay of Edge taking down The Miz is shown as Edge starts things off by saying he feels sorry for Chris Jericho. This is because Jericho keeps talking about how he's going to destroy Edge, only to get speared each time. Edge tells us this will continue to happen for weeks to come. Um, yay subtlety? Big Show waddles out and hilariously dangles on of the tag belts in front of a small child, yanking it away before the kid could touch it. Taunting small children always makes me happy. Big Show says the real reason he's here tonight is to find out who he and Miz will be facing at WrestleMania, but he'll be happy to beat Edge up as well. Show warns Edge that he "eats pieces of crap like you for breakfast", leading to a predictable, but still funny "Wait, you eat crap for breakfast?!" from Edge. Only Edge could make PG WWE funny. Edge teases a spear, causing Show to back up in fright. Pissed he fell for such a trick, Show charges, only to miss and tumble over the ropes.
 
Teddy Long is in the back looking over the new Shawn Michaels DVD. Wait, didn't he kick you in the face a few weeks ago? Is Teddy studying HBK? Could we see the unholy reunion of Teddy Long and his main playa, THE UN-DA-TAY-KAH?! MAKE IT HAPPEN. NOW. Drew McIntyre interrupts and wants Teddy to say something. Teddy obliges and states that McIntyre's loss to Kane last week has been expunged from the records by order of Mr. McMahon. McIntyre will now recieve another chance to qualify for Money in the Bank against Matt Hardy.
 
Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy (Non-title Money in the Bank Qualifying Match)
 
Before the match, we get a replay of McIntyre's match with Kane that I missed last week and-wait a minute! McIntyre lost just because Kane kicked him in the face? LAME. My God, Kane is so lame. While men like Evan Bourne and Yoshi Tatsu will miss out, Kane will be in Money in the Bank to throw shit and chokeslam people. God, you are so worthless.
 
After the obligatory lock-up, Matt slaps on a headlock (and not a tornado as the song would suggest), but McIntyre escapes and hits a high elbow for a 1 count. McIntyre applies a headlock of his own, but Matt escapes with a pair of armdrags for 2. Matt clotheslines McIntyre out of the ring, then tries to dive onto him, but McIntyre blocks this and drops Hardy on the barricade. Matt rolls back into the ring as we go to the break that I cannot see.
 
We return to find McIntyre working another headlock, then hitting a neckbreaker for 2. A Northern Lights suplex also gets 2. Drew tries to apply another submission, but Matt escapes and heads up top. McIntyre follows and tries to hit a superplex, but Matt shoves him off and hits the top rope elbow drop. Matt signals for the Twist of Fate, but McIntyre blocks it and tries for the Future Shock DDT. Matt shrugs him off, but Drew tries for a jackknife roll-up. Hardy reverses into a small package and gets the win. LAME.
 
WINNER: Matt Hardy. And I'm really beginning to see how fat the dude is. Seriously, are fat dudes, amateur wrestlers, and Kane the right choices for a high-flying, exciting ladder match? And the sad thing is, this ladder match will STILL be better than last year's.
 
McIntyre gets all pissy, throwing chairs about and kicking the announce desk. McIntyre goes to Striker and swears to him that he will be at WrestleMania. Sorry Drew, but you're starting to run out of opponents. I doubt you want your first WrestleMania moment to be "My Intercontinental Title Defense Against Kung Fu Naki".
 
Shelton Benjamin vs. Dolph Ziggler
 
Now here's two guys who belong in Money in the Bank. Shelton starts things off with a headlock, then hits a shoulder block. Dolph manages to apply the sleeper hold, but Shelton counters with a jawbreaker. Ziggler manages to dodge a Stinger Splash, then rolls Shelton up for 2. A dropkick also gets 2, as Ziggler begins to work a headlock. Shelton tries to escape, but Ziggler hits a neckbreaker for 2. A jumping elbow drop also gets 2. Ziggler goes for a monkey flip, but Shelton lands on his feet and hits an impressive backbreaker. A German suplex with a bridge follows for 2. Ziggler manages to throw Shelton in the corner and tries for another sleeper hold, but Shelton backs him into a corner and hits a fucked up version of Paydirt for the win.
 
WINNER: Shelton Benjamin.
 
We learn that the three teams contending for a shot at ShowMiz will be The Hart Dynasty, Cryme Tyme, and...John Morrison and R-Truth? Hello easy way to get these two to 'Mania. Couldn't we just put them in MitB and let the Hart's fight ShowMiz?
 
Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Ezekiel Jackson
 
Allow me to be the first to tell you that Zeke's entrance music, "Domination", is probably the best music in the WWE right now. Yeah, I said it. I sing this thing when I'm walking the halls at school, I listen to it when I'm running, and I sing it with my brother in the car. Yeah, we're that awesome.
 
Wait a second, there's a match going on here! Jimmy starts things off with some kicks, but Zeke hits an impressive shoulder block to put an end to that. Trapped in the corner, Jimmy tries a few more kicks before leaping at Zeke, but Zeke catches him and finishes him off with The Book of Ezekiel.
 
WINNER: Ezekiel Jackson.
 
Backstage, Rey Mysterio brings his daughter an action figure. Because that's what little girls love: action figures. Rey also introduces former ECW General Manager Tiffany as her babysitter. From General Manager to babysitter. This economy is hurting all of us. And considering how Rey is feuding with the Straightedge Society, I would not leave your child in the hands of someone as incompetent as Tiffany. In the future, I suggest using Big Zeke.
 
Luke Gallows W/ CM Punk and Serena vs. Rey Mysterio
 
Pre-match, Punk goes on a tirade about how children love Rey Mysterio because their parents suck at parenting. This segues into Punk making a cheap shot at Rey's parenting skills, then telling Luke to make Rey pay for costing Punk his match last week.
 
Gallows begins the match by unleashing a flurry of blows on Rey, then hitting a back suplex. Rey responds with a hurricarana, but Gallows hits a shoulder charge to put an end to Rey's offense. Gallows tries to hit a second shoulder charge, but Rey ducks and sends Gallows out of the ring as we go to the break.
 
We return to see Gallows utilize his heel powers by hitting a big clothesline, then block a springboard move and toss Rey into the steel post. Gallows tosses Rey back into the ring and hits a belly-to-belly slam for 2. Gallows applies a chinlock, then hits a fallaway slam for 2. Rey manages to dodge a corner charge and hit a seated senton, following that with a springboard crossbody for 2. Gallows blocks a Mysterio charge with another clothesline for 2. Rey turns a suplex attempt into a modified X-Factor, then goes up top. Gallows punches Rey in the stomach as he goes for a crossbody, then hits a big splash for 2. Gallows tries to put Rey in a bearhug, but Rey instead applies some sort of sleeper hold, wearing Gallows down and sending him into the ropes. Serena manages to block a 619 attempt and Punk slides into the ring. Rey chases Punk off, then hits a seated senton on Gallows to get the 3 count.
 
WINNER: Rey Mysterio. Punk runs back into the ring and tries to hit the GTS, but Rey slips out, kicks Punk in the back of the leg, and runs off. The Straightedge Society seethes as Rey gloats, with Punk continuing to sell the leg as if he was shot.
 
Backstage, Big Show's dressing room is invaded by Chris Jericho, who congratulates Show on his tag team run with The Miz before asking him to hurt Edge tonight. Show says he doesn't owe Jericho anything, then leaves, trying to show off the tag belts as he exits. Um, Show, Jericho's kind of the World Heavyweight Champion right now. He could care less about your tag titles.
 
John Morrison and R-Truth vs. The Hart Dynasty vs. Cryme Tyme (Winners Recieve a Tag Team Title Match at WrestleMania)
 
Morrison and Shad start things off, with Morrison getting the upper hand. Morrison goes for the Chuck Kick, but Shad catches him and hits a spinebuster for 2 as we go to the break.
 
Back from the break, JTG is in and working a headlock on Morrison. JTG tags to Shad, who...has Tyson Kidd tag in, who then tags in David Hart Smith. My God, stop tagging! Smith hits a trio of belly-to-back suplexes for 2. Morrison manages to hit a shoulderblock on Smith, who tags to Kidd. Kidd takes out Cryme Tyme, allowing Morrison to tag R-Truth. Truth enters with a house of FI-YAH and after Morrison takes out Shad and Smith with a flying bodypress, he hits a corkscrew elbow on Kidd to win it.
 
WINNERS: John Morrison and R-Truth. The two celebrate by dancing, with Morrison busting out some awesome breakdancing moves. Go J-Mo, go J-Mo, GO!
 
Backstage Michelle McCool and Layla are sucking up to Vickie Guerrero in a manner most annoying. They give Vickie a "Simply Flawless" tank top as I wonder, in all seriousness, if they make those shirts for men. Beth Phoenix appears, scaring off Michelle and Layla, which makes me very happy. Beth asks Vickie when she will get a shot at the Women's Championship. Vickie tells her to piss off, so Beth tries to intimidate her. Vickie warns her that she better back off or suffer the same fate as Mickie James.
 
Big Show vs. Edge
 
Big Show hits a headbutt and crushes Edge's chest with his foot. Chops and more stomps ensue. Edge manages to get back on the offensive by shoving Show into the steel post, but Show comes back with another headbutt. Is anyone noticing a pattern? Edge escapes a headlock, but Show hits a scoop slam, then goes up top for a Vader Bomb. Somewhere, Jack Swagger is shaking his head and chuckling to himself. As expected, Show whiffs, and Edge hits a diving bulldog for 2. Show recovers quickly and signals for a chokeslam, but Edge hits a DDT and follows it up with a spear to win it.
 
WINNER: Edge. Suddenly, a feathered tuft of hair is seen running through the crowd as Jericho leaps over the barricade and tries to hit Edge with the title belt. Edge ducks and hits another spear.
 
Well, that was fun. Expect more of the same next week.
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).