Yeah, yeah, I
know it's been a while since I've been here. Long
story short, the last two weeks have been insanely
busy for me. Even this week has been busy, with next
week not looking any better. So for this week and
the next, I'll be relying on the ever-popular
YouTube for the recaps and axing the Commercial
Thoughts. Or thoughts of any kind. My brain hurts.
Tonights main event will be
Edge vs. former crony Big Show. And here to kick off
the show is Edge, who I guess is filling in for
Batista as the guy who always ends and/or begins the
show. A replay of Edge taking down The Miz is shown
as Edge starts things off by saying he feels sorry
for Chris Jericho. This is because Jericho keeps
talking about how he's going to destroy Edge, only
to get speared each time. Edge tells us this will
continue to happen for weeks to come. Um, yay
subtlety? Big Show waddles out and hilariously
dangles on of the tag belts in front of a small
child, yanking it away before the kid could touch
it. Taunting small children always makes me happy.
Big Show says the real reason he's here tonight is
to find out who he and Miz will be facing at
WrestleMania, but he'll be happy to beat Edge up as
well. Show warns Edge that he "eats pieces of crap
like you for breakfast", leading to a predictable,
but still funny "Wait, you eat crap for breakfast?!"
from Edge. Only Edge could make PG WWE funny. Edge
teases a spear, causing Show to back up in fright.
Pissed he fell for such a trick, Show charges, only
to miss and tumble over the ropes.
Teddy Long is in the back
looking over the new Shawn Michaels DVD. Wait,
didn't he kick you in the face a few weeks ago? Is
Teddy studying HBK? Could we see the unholy reunion
of Teddy Long and his main playa, THE
UN-DA-TAY-KAH?! MAKE IT HAPPEN. NOW. Drew McIntyre
interrupts and wants Teddy to say something. Teddy
obliges and states that McIntyre's loss to Kane last
week has been expunged from the records by order of
Mr. McMahon. McIntyre will now recieve another
chance to qualify for Money in the Bank against Matt
Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre vs.
Matt Hardy (Non-title Money in the Bank Qualifying
Before the match, we get a
replay of McIntyre's match with Kane that I missed
last week and-wait a minute! McIntyre lost just
because Kane kicked him in the face? LAME. My God,
Kane is so lame. While men like Evan Bourne and
Yoshi Tatsu will miss out, Kane will be in Money in
the Bank to throw shit and chokeslam people. God,
you are so worthless.
After the obligatory lock-up,
Matt slaps on a headlock (and not a tornado as the
song would suggest), but McIntyre escapes and hits a
high elbow for a 1 count. McIntyre applies a
headlock of his own, but Matt escapes with a pair of
armdrags for 2. Matt clotheslines McIntyre out of
the ring, then tries to dive onto him, but McIntyre
blocks this and drops Hardy on the barricade. Matt
rolls back into the ring as we go to the break that
I cannot see.
We return to find McIntyre
working another headlock, then hitting a neckbreaker
for 2. A Northern Lights suplex also gets 2. Drew
tries to apply another submission, but Matt escapes
and heads up top. McIntyre follows and tries to hit
a superplex, but Matt shoves him off and hits the
top rope elbow drop. Matt signals for the Twist of
Fate, but McIntyre blocks it and tries for the
Future Shock DDT. Matt shrugs him off, but Drew
tries for a jackknife roll-up. Hardy reverses into a
small package and gets the win. LAME.
Hardy. And I'm really beginning to see how fat the
dude is. Seriously, are fat dudes, amateur
wrestlers, and Kane the right choices for a
high-flying, exciting ladder match? And the sad
thing is, this ladder match will STILL be better
than last year's.
McIntyre gets all pissy,
throwing chairs about and kicking the announce desk.
McIntyre goes to Striker and swears to him that he
will be at WrestleMania. Sorry Drew, but you're
starting to run out of opponents. I doubt you want
your first WrestleMania moment to be "My
Intercontinental Title Defense Against Kung Fu
Shelton Benjamin vs. Dolph Ziggler
Now here's two guys who belong
in Money in the Bank. Shelton starts things off with
a headlock, then hits a shoulder block. Dolph
manages to apply the sleeper hold, but Shelton
counters with a jawbreaker. Ziggler manages to dodge
a Stinger Splash, then rolls Shelton up for 2. A
dropkick also gets 2, as Ziggler begins to work a
headlock. Shelton tries to escape, but Ziggler hits
a neckbreaker for 2. A jumping elbow drop also gets
2. Ziggler goes for a monkey flip, but Shelton lands
on his feet and hits an impressive backbreaker. A
German suplex with a bridge follows for 2. Ziggler
manages to throw Shelton in the corner and tries for
another sleeper hold, but Shelton backs him into a
corner and hits a fucked up version of Paydirt for
We learn that the three teams
contending for a shot at ShowMiz will be The Hart
Dynasty, Cryme Tyme, and...John Morrison and
R-Truth? Hello easy way to get these two to 'Mania.
Couldn't we just put them in MitB and let the Hart's
Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Ezekiel Jackson
Allow me to be the first to
tell you that Zeke's entrance music, "Domination",
is probably the best music in the WWE right now.
Yeah, I said it. I sing this thing when I'm walking
the halls at school, I listen to it when I'm
running, and I sing it with my brother in the car.
Yeah, we're that awesome.
Wait a second, there's a match
going on here! Jimmy starts things off with some
kicks, but Zeke hits an impressive shoulder block to
put an end to that. Trapped in the corner, Jimmy
tries a few more kicks before leaping at Zeke, but
Zeke catches him and finishes him off with The Book
Backstage, Rey Mysterio brings
his daughter an action figure. Because that's what
little girls love: action figures. Rey also
introduces former ECW General Manager Tiffany as her
babysitter. From General Manager to babysitter. This
economy is hurting all of us. And considering how
Rey is feuding with the Straightedge Society, I
would not leave your child in the hands of someone
as incompetent as Tiffany. In the future, I suggest
using Big Zeke.
Luke Gallows W/ CM Punk and Serena vs. Rey Mysterio
Pre-match, Punk goes on a
tirade about how children love Rey Mysterio because
their parents suck at parenting. This segues into
Punk making a cheap shot at Rey's parenting skills,
then telling Luke to make Rey pay for costing Punk
his match last week.
Gallows begins the match by
unleashing a flurry of blows on Rey, then hitting a
back suplex. Rey responds with a hurricarana, but
Gallows hits a shoulder charge to put an end to
Rey's offense. Gallows tries to hit a second
shoulder charge, but Rey ducks and sends Gallows out
of the ring as we go to the break.
We return to see Gallows
utilize his heel powers by hitting a big
clothesline, then block a springboard move and toss
Rey into the steel post. Gallows tosses Rey back
into the ring and hits a belly-to-belly slam for 2.
Gallows applies a chinlock, then hits a fallaway
slam for 2. Rey manages to dodge a corner charge and
hit a seated senton, following that with a
springboard crossbody for 2. Gallows blocks a
Mysterio charge with another clothesline for 2. Rey
turns a suplex attempt into a modified X-Factor,
then goes up top. Gallows punches Rey in the stomach
as he goes for a crossbody, then hits a big splash
for 2. Gallows tries to put Rey in a bearhug, but
Rey instead applies some sort of sleeper hold,
wearing Gallows down and sending him into the ropes.
Serena manages to block a 619 attempt and Punk
slides into the ring. Rey chases Punk off, then hits
a seated senton on Gallows to get the 3 count.
Mysterio. Punk runs back into the ring and tries to
hit the GTS, but Rey slips out, kicks Punk in the
back of the leg, and runs off. The Straightedge
Society seethes as Rey gloats, with Punk continuing
to sell the leg as if he was shot.
Backstage, Big Show's dressing
room is invaded by Chris Jericho, who congratulates
Show on his tag team run with The Miz before asking
him to hurt Edge tonight. Show says he doesn't owe
Jericho anything, then leaves, trying to show off
the tag belts as he exits. Um, Show, Jericho's kind
of the World Heavyweight Champion right now. He
could care less about your tag titles.
John Morrison and R-Truth vs. The Hart Dynasty vs.
Cryme Tyme (Winners Recieve a Tag Team Title Match
Morrison and Shad start things
off, with Morrison getting the upper hand. Morrison
goes for the Chuck Kick, but Shad catches him and
hits a spinebuster for 2 as we go to the break.
Back from the break, JTG is in
and working a headlock on Morrison. JTG tags to
Shad, who...has Tyson Kidd tag in, who then tags in
David Hart Smith. My God, stop tagging! Smith hits a
trio of belly-to-back suplexes for 2. Morrison
manages to hit a shoulderblock on Smith, who tags to
Kidd. Kidd takes out Cryme Tyme, allowing Morrison
to tag R-Truth. Truth enters with a house of FI-YAH
and after Morrison takes out Shad and Smith with a
flying bodypress, he hits a corkscrew elbow on Kidd
to win it.
Morrison and R-Truth. The two celebrate by dancing,
with Morrison busting out some awesome breakdancing
moves. Go J-Mo, go J-Mo, GO!
Backstage Michelle McCool and
Layla are sucking up to Vickie Guerrero in a manner
most annoying. They give Vickie a "Simply Flawless"
tank top as I wonder, in all seriousness, if they
make those shirts for men. Beth Phoenix appears,
scaring off Michelle and Layla, which makes me very
happy. Beth asks Vickie when she will get a shot at
the Women's Championship. Vickie tells her to piss
off, so Beth tries to intimidate her. Vickie warns
her that she better back off or suffer the same fate
as Mickie James.
Big Show vs. Edge
Big Show hits a headbutt and
crushes Edge's chest with his foot. Chops and more
stomps ensue. Edge manages to get back on the
offensive by shoving Show into the steel post, but
Show comes back with another headbutt. Is anyone
noticing a pattern? Edge escapes a headlock, but
Show hits a scoop slam, then goes up top for a Vader
Bomb. Somewhere, Jack Swagger is shaking his head
and chuckling to himself. As expected, Show whiffs,
and Edge hits a diving bulldog for 2. Show recovers
quickly and signals for a chokeslam, but Edge hits a
DDT and follows it up with a spear to win it.
Suddenly, a feathered tuft of hair is seen running
through the crowd as Jericho leaps over the
barricade and tries to hit Edge with the title belt.
Edge ducks and hits another spear.
Well, that was fun. Expect more
of the same next week.