WWE SMACKDOWN RANT
February 25, 2011
Hello, again, everyone. I'm still recovering from my huge party last week, so this recap is brief. Rest assured, however, that I will cover the high points of this show. Using this strategy, I'm sure there's not much I'll have to do.
Before the show starts we're "treated" to clips from last week's episode of SmackDown, where the WWE resorted to it's 238th "superstar gets fired" angle of the last year or so, as Dolph Ziggler got "fired" while the much less deserving Edge got his belt back (after also getting "fired"). This is one hell of a week for quotation marks, isn't it?
This week, because Vickie Guerrero and Kelly Kelly deserve to be in main events as much as anyone, Teddy Long (who I'm already getting sick of after only being back two weeks) makes a main event of Kelly Kelly and Edge against Drew McIntyre and Vickie Guerrero. It looks like you'll be getting another truncated recap of the main event again. I can only stomach so much.
The show starts with…
Rey Mysterio vs. Kane
Wow, way to innovate, WWE! I have a feeling that WWE might be phoning things in this week. I might do the same.
Kane does big man moves and rest holds; Rey Mysterio does fast guy moves and high spots.
The end of this match is insanely awkward, as I think Kane botched getting in position for the 619, while Rey couldn't get in position to perform a sunset flip rollup. Somehow, Rey holds Kane down long enough to get the win.
Winner: Rey Mysterio
I actually watched the entire match, but it was so by the book, that I didn't feel like fully recapping it. It was exactly like the other 300 matches these two guys have had. The ending was so contrived, with Kane no-selling the 619, but not being able to kick out of a weak rollup…ugh.
After the match, Dusty Rhodes makes an appearance. The intrigue of whether he's going to befriend Rey or help Cody is just TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!! In the previous sentence, caps = sarcasm.
After the commercial break, Poo Poo Dusty (whose head looks like a piece of overcooked ham) asks Cody to come out to apologize to Rey. Cody comes out, looking absolutely no different than he did a few weeks ago. At least a non-clear mask would've hidden the fact that nothing happened.
Cody whines that Rey caused him to miss the last two PPVs. Dusty tells Cody that he's lost focus (due to his "dashingness"). Dusty rubs the accomplishments of Edge and The Miz in Cody's face. Hey, Dusty, your son was tag team champ with Drew McIntyre for like a week! Dusty tells Cody to apologize to Rey, and he does. Cody and Rey shake hands, and then Poo Poo Dusty TURNS ON REY! HEEL DUSTY! HEEL DUSTY! Cody beats on Rey for a bit and then unmasks him (with Rey's face hidden from view, of course).
Paul will be the best movie of the YEAR!
Boy, the WWE is serving up some awesome matches, as our next contest is…
Rosa Mendes vs. Layla (with Michelle McCool)
Wow, Rosa is looking fantastic. Too bad this match is inevitably going to suck.
Layla starts off by goofing on Rosa. She then proceeds to literally scream EVERY TIME SHE DOES A MOVE. It's actually really annoying.
I guess the LayCool storyline takes precedence here, because the match itself lasts about 30 seconds until the "action" spills outside. Rosa gets in Michelle's face, so Michelle jumps her, which draws the DQ.
Winner: Rosa Mendes (by DQ)
That match only served to push the "LayCool breakup" storyline, which will join the Big Show/Ezekiel Jackson match as piss break matches during WrestleMania.
Nicholas Cage is becoming the next Eugene Levy when it comes to selecting scripts. Look for Cage in New York Minute 2…coming soon!
Jack Swagger (with jobber entrance) vs. Kofi Kingston
Hey, a match that has some potential not to suck!
Tieup to start things off. Swagger takes Kingston to the corner, but the ref separates them. Kingston tries to take control with some strikes, but Swagger powers through with a pair of shoulderblocks. Swagger smartly begins to work over Kingston's taped arm. Kingston kicks out, and then puts the boots to a charging Swagger. Kingston fights back with a series of kicks, and then manages a leaping clothesline and a double legdrop. Swagger stumbles to the corner, and Kingston splashes him. Swagger regains control with some kicks. He tries to work over Kingston's leg, which is awesome logic, considering his arm is injured, but Kingston kicks him away. Kingston tries to end things by shoving Swagger into the ropes and bouncing him into Trouble in Paradise, but Swagger holds on and Kingston crashes to the mat. Swagger quickly clamps on the ankle lock, and Swagger taps after trying to push out. Hey, the arm DID figure into things. WWE, I thank you for applying some logic to SOMETHING.
Winner: Jack Swagger
Okay, this match wasn't long or all that great, but the fact that there was some logic applied made me want to give it a decent score.
After the match, we get to see Vickie act…you can figure out what I think about that.
Later in the show, we're going to admit that SmackDown isn't all that interesting by replaying an entire segment of RAW with Cena responding to The Rock.
Next, it's the John Cena rebuttal from RAW. Perhaps Vince McMahon is right in thinking his fans all have ADD, because the crowd takes a complete DUMP all over Cena, booing pretty much the whole time. I also see tons of Rock signs in the audience. The Rock comes back, and the WWE Universe could give two shits about the guy who can justifiably come out with a different t-shirt every week, because his moron clone fans will buy them. It was amazing enough when fans cheered Orton when he became a "face" (sorta') after being a heavily-booed villain for what seemed like an eternity.
Anyway, Cena goes back to the Rock's speech, which means we're watching a rerun of a rerun…and somewhere, the time space continuum rips. I still laugh at the Fruity Pebbles line, though. I'm so angry that these two won't fight at WrestleMania…that would be worth the price of the PPV alone.
Cena retaliates by rapping…dusting off his degree in Thuganomics. (I'm trying to figure out if that's a degree title that should be capitalized.) Cena gets a cheap pop by mentioning the town he's in (I think), and then goofs on The Tooth Fairy and The Game Plan (because The Marine and 12 Steps were such classics). The rap was actually relatively clever…and surprisingly biting considering the new PG tone of WWE. Again, if these two guys were to take part in the main event…wow.
After the rerun, Chavo refuses to help Vickie…because we care…or not.
Well, I guess it's too much to ask for two good matches in a row.
Wade Barrett vs. Big Show
The Corre is barred from ringside for this match.
Big Show starts by kicking, punching, and chopping a lot. Barrett boots Show on two corner charges and then jumps on Show's back to apply a sleeper hold. Big Show finally collapses into the ropes, where Barrett stomps a mud hole in him. Barrett kicks Show as we head to commercials.
When we return, Barrett is laying into Show with mounted punches. The ref separates the two men, so Barrett goes to kicking his opponent. Big Show kicks out of a pin attempt and hits three slaps to the chest. Barrett regains control with a dropkick on Show's knee. He follows up with a DDT on a kneeling Big Show and tries for another pin. Show kicks out and then tosses Barrett to the outside. The two brawl until the nine count, and Big Show manages to sneak in after tossing Barrett to the floor.
Winner: Big Show
Ugh, what a mess. Big Show really can't get a clean win over Wade Barrett? Isn't the culmination of this supposed to be Big Show vs. Ezekiel Jackson? It's not like we'd care either way, but still…
The Corre comes out to aid Barrett. Big Show gets a chair and "hits" Justin Gabriel with one of the weakest chair shots I've ever seen. The Corre runs like a punch of sissies.
Well, The Undertaker's back from his "I only work three months of the year" vacation. Did he really need the stupid promos to herald his return? We kinda' know he comes back right before WrestleMania. HHH also came back and shit all in `Taker's Corn Flakes. Each man did his Randy Orton impression by simply starring, they each did their trademark pose, and that's about it. Fun.
If you think I'm recapping this complete shitball of a "main event," you're messed up Charlie Sheen style.
Edge and Kelly Kelly vs. Drew McIntyre and Edge
The funny part of this match is that it isn't too terrible when the men are in. If they would've just had the two men fighting for Vickie being fired, I would've been okay with it. As it was, Vickie's involvement made the match suck dog turds. The match outcome is sorta' obvious.
One star for the three or four minutes of the match that were actually tolerable.
Man, if the WWE didn't blow its load by using the "performer X is fired" storyline every week, I would be THRILLED about the outcome of this match. As it stands, I realize that this only means MORE of Vickie Guerrero…and more of Teddy Long, which isn't good either.
They actually have a commercial break and spend the last 10 minutes of the show allowing Vickie to "act," which is as agonizing as it sounds. Seriously, if you have this show on DVR or ever come across it on Hulu, do yourself a favor and don't watch the last segment…it is literally the most agonizingly bad 10 minutes of WWE television since Mae Young gave birth to a hand. Even Alberto Del Rio couldn't save it at the tail end.
That's all…this show has nearly sucked out my very soul. I'm heading to my local witch doctor to try to undo what this week's SmackDown has done to me.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: Ummmm…ugh, that's a tough one. Kingston vs. Swagger didn't suck horribly. Alberto Del Rio's appearance was like finding a penny in a toxic waste dump.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: Seriously, this show was horrid. The last 10 minutes of the show were the worst I can remember.
That's it for this week. Join me next week, when I recommend the matches that SHOULD (but never will) be part of WrestleMania.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).