WWE SMACKDOWN RANT
February 18, 2011
Excuse me! Excuse me! "Great" Scott is here for this VERY special 600th episode of WWE SmackDown. Because this is such a momentous occasion, I have bunches and bunches of special guests joining me for this recap. It's a party here in the ScottCave, and you're more than welcome to join us.
My pre-show party takes precedence over unofficial sponsors and recommendations. The festivities started early with a very special guest I called in. What better way to kick off a day's worth of festivities than with my very own DOC BROWN IMPERSONATOR! I essentially hired the guy to walk around all day shouting, "GREAT SCOTT." That never got old!
Later in the day, I called my close, personal friend "Weird Al" Yankovic and asked if I could borrow his band to play for the party. Since Al and I are homies from waaay back, of course he said, "yes." Nothing sets the tone for an episode of SmackDown like listening to Dare to be Stupid…how appropriate, considering the programming as of late.
Well, after spending some time with the band backstage, I pull myself away from my scores of fans and bring out the laptop to work on this week's recaps. You'll have to excuse me if I take some breaks to cavort with my famous friends…they demand so much of my time.
Before the show starts, we're reminded that Dolph Ziggler is going to be made to look like a tool because he's going to be crowned champion. As the show is introduced, Michael Cole is screaming like a fruitcake that Edge isn't the champion anymore. If you believe that Ziggler will leave this show as the champion, you probably spend hours staring at orange juice containers that say "concentrate."
Wow, the WWE is blowing its load early with…
Edge, Randy Orton, John Morrison, R-Truth, Rey Mysterio, and John Cena vs. CM Punk, King Sheamus, Wade Barrett, Drew McIntyre, Kane, and Dolph Ziggler
It's funny that they're not letting R-Truth rap. You really should write that stuff on your arm or something, Truth.
Rey is wearing a La Parka mask! Awesome.
A little actual continuity as Booker T refers to himself as the greatest King of the Ring of all time. Nice.
Sheamus starts the match off against Edge. McIntyre asks for a tag and gets it. McIntyre fires off a series of punches and kicks in the corner, but Edge retaliates almost immediately. Edge boots McIntyre in the face and tags to R-Truth. McIntyre gets dogged on for a few seconds before kicking Truth and tagging to Ziggler. Ziggler comes in obviously gets beat up right out of the gate. Truth tags to Orton, who hits some European uppercuts and follows with a knee drop. Orton tags to Cena, who is surprisingly booed…I guess there's a higer class of fan in San Diego. Cena dominates Ziggler and tags to Morrison. Ziggler actually turns the tables on Morrison for all of three seconds before Morrison regains control with a sliding trip. Morrison tries to follow up with Starship Pain, but Ziggler gets up and hits a beautiful-looking reverse slam on Morrison (sorta' like Boogeyman's old finisher). Ziggler goes for a cover but doesn't get the win. He tags to Sheamus and we go to commercial.
PlayStation 3 commercials are pretty funny.
This whole Jerry Lawler thing needs to end NOW.
When we return, Sheamus is hitting a suplex on Morrison. Punk tags in and puts the boots to Morrison. After landing a pair of knee drops to Morrison's head, Punk applies a head scissors. Morrison escapes and makes his way to the corner to tag Rey Mysterio. Punk and Mysterio have a nice little exchange that ends when Punk catches with a back breaker to prevent him from hitting the 619. Punk tags to Kane, who mauls Mysterio in the corner. Kane follows up by hoisting up Rey in a big bear hug. Rey punches his way out, but ends up in the heel corner. Rey tries to fight out, but Kane grabs him and flings him to the outside, where Punk does something to him as he hits the floor. Wow, another commercial…fun.
As we return from our second commercial break in this match, we're treated to Wade Barrett working over Mysterio. Barrett tags to Sheamus, and Rey starts scurrying over to his corner. Sheamus stops him, hits a clothesline, and then applies a half nelson/chinlock combo hold. Rey kicks out and tries to tag, but Sheamus stops him and hits the Irish Curse backbreaker. After a failed pin attempt, Sheamus tags back to Barrett. Barrett hits a short knee drop and perhaps one of the most textbook headbutts I've ever seen. Barrett tosses Rey to the corner, but Rey blocks and drop toe holds Barrett into the corner. Rey follows that up with a moonsault. Both men are down. Rey tags Edge and Barrett tags Ziggler. Uh oh. I wonder how this will turn out. Edge goes for the spear on Ziggler, but Sheamus comes out of nowhere to boot him in the face. That leads to everyone hitting one of their signature moves in order. Wow, Orton actually let someone hit their finisher? Amazing. Actually, the only guy who didn't get to hit a move was…surprise surprise…Dolph Ziggler. Rey puts Barrett in position for the 619 and Ziggler tries to help out, but he gets put in the same position. After the 619, Edge wrecks Ziggler with a spear to get the win.
Winners: The Face Team
While I'm getting sick of Ziggler getting destroyed at every turn, the match was actually really good…uh oh…
Before I can finish typing, the voice of Satan himself/herself assaults my ears in the form of Vickie Guerrero. I don't really care what she has to say, so I fast forward past her entire speech.
While the commercials are playing, I'm approached by one of my good friends, Seth Petruzelli. For the uninformed, this is the MMA guy that proved what a fraud Kimbo Slice was. If you have the time, look up video of the fight. Seth wrecked Kimbo in under a minute. And, yes, sometime during the day, I shaved my mustache…yeah, that it. There's no way these pictures aren't from the same day!!
When we get back from the break…oh, come the hell on!! I guess Vickie just fired Edge. I'm so sure this is going to last. This whole "firing" plot device is really getting old. The writing team really needs to get some new blood on the staff.
After some whining and stupidity from the announce team, we switch over to the Rey Mysterio/Cody Rhodes feud. We get our first interview with "mauled" Cody Rhodes. He rambles on…yeah, I don't care.
Well, let's head back to the ring…
Eve Torres and Beth Phoenix vs. Commercials
Wow, this show is about five minutes of wrestling for every three minutes of commercials. I'm getting carpal tunnel from hitting the fast forward button so much.
Eve Torres and Beth Phoenix vs. Layla and Maryse
This is what LayCool SHOULD BE. Michelle McCool is what Maryse would be after a three-day cocaine binge (and purge).
Anyway, Maryse starts with Beth and slaps her. That wasn't a smart move. Maryse tries to retreat, but Beth catches her and destroys her in the corner. Maryse finally tags Layla, who actually gets two moves in before Beth goes to work on her with sloppy moves galore. Beth tags to Eve, who hits two of her "Hey, I just learned how to dropkick!" dropkicks. After Eve works over Layla for a minute or two, Michelle gets involved. Beth knocks her off the apron, but Eve is distracted long enough for the heels to hit a double kick on her. Layla makes the pin.
Winners: Layla and Maryse
That match was…there. One thing that lowers the score is the constant distracting bickering by this getting-worse-by-the-day announce team. Booker T is good, but he's just one more guy that disagrees with Michael Cole, which meals more whining by Michael Cole. I can't for the life of me figure out why anyone thought it would be a good idea to push Cole into this role. If I didn't have to recap WWE programming, I wouldn't be watching this, he's so bad. I barely watch RAW at all thanks to him. There's a difference between good heel heat and bad heel heat.
After some more commercials, it's time for The Rock. Gosh, what a treat for little old me!! The crowd goes ballistic for The Rock's entrance, which is pretty awesome. I think the fans would shit all over Cena and Orton for this guy.
I just realized that this is actually from RAW…well, bummer. You know what this segment really needs? Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler bickering through the whole thing!! Because no one can get over without the awesome drawing power of EVIL MICHAEL COLE!! And, lo and behold, the stupid ass GM computer makes its noise and COLE ACTUALLY GETS INVOLVED IN THIS SEGMENT!! SERIOUSLY!?!? I realize Cole getting involved gives The Rock more fodder, but does The Rock seriously need fuel to keep his insult fire going?
Anyway, The Rock goes on to call out John Cena. The crowd seems split on this. The Rock goofs on Cen''s catchphrase, and the crowd seems to warm up to the idea of John Cena being a tool bag. The Rock makes me laugh out loud by saying Cena's multi-colored shirts make him look like a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. The Rock vs. John Cena would garner the biggest buyrates for WWE in YEARS. I can't tell if The Rock is going to compete again…I doubt it, but it would be a damned shame to not have this guy at least take on Cena and Undertaker at some point.
Well, the sad thing is, that will probably be the best part of tonight's show.
During this commercial break, I catch up on old times with my buddy, professional model Nikki Churchill. We've been friends for such a long time that I wouldn't think of having a party without her.
After an actually touching reminder of the post-9/11 episode of SmackDown, we head back to the squared circle for…
Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz
After yet another verbal blow job from Michael Cole, we start things off with some chain wrestling. After some quick thinking by Kingston, Miz ends up on the wrong end of an arm bar. Miz escapes, but quickly falls prey to a trio of cross body blocks. After a failed pin attempt, Kingston goes back to the arm. Miz escapes by backing Kingston to the corner and elbowing him in the face. Miz lands a series of punches, but Kingston fights back. Kingston tries for a splash in the corner, but Miz moves. Kingston stops himself by leaping to the second turnbuckle, but Miz kicks him down. Because we don't like to see Kofi suffer, we head out to some commercials.
We return to see Kingston getting punted in the ribs. Miz follows with a textbook suplex and a pin attempt. Kingston kicks out, but Miz applies a shoulder-wrenching hold. Kingston finally escapes with a back slide that gets a two count. The two men exchange punches and kicks until Kingston manages a head scissors and a dropkick. The Miz recovers and sends Kingston to the corner. Kingston sorta' whiffs on his upside down corner kick, but lands a nice high cross body block. Miz regains control by evading a kick and hitting his backbreaker/neckbreaker combo. Kingston fights back and lands a leaping clothesline and the double leg drop. Kingston signals for Trouble in Paradise, but Alberto Del Rio comes strolling out to distract him. Miz tries for a roll up, but Kingston reverses it. Some more back and forth is interuppted by Del Rio distracting Kingston by whipping him with his scarf. This gives The Miz enough time to hit the Skull-Crushing Finale for the win.
Winner: The Miz
That was a good match. It made both men look credible while having the right guy win. It's a shame the Edge/Ziggler "feud" can't get the same treatment.
After the match, Del Rio poses over a fallen Kingston.
Next up, Michael Cole does what he does best, as he gives SmackDown a big verbal BJ for being the third longest-running episodic television show in the HISTORY OF TELEVISION!
After that, it's on to our next match.
Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel vs. Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov
Now, here's WWE logic for you. In a single match that meant nothing, the entire Corre was at ringside. For this match, which is for a championship…no one. Awesome.
Kozlov starts off with Gabriel. As always, Kozlov dominates things to start off. Oh, here comes The Corre. I stand corrected. Good for WWE to apply some logic at SOME POINT during the evening. Barrett distracts Kozlov long enough for Gabriel to get the jump on the Russian. Gabriel tags to Slater, who puts the boots to Kozlov until he flings Slater about six feet in the air and tags to Santino. Slater tags to Gabriel, who falls prey to the awesome offense of Santino. Slater tries to make the save on a pin attempt, but Kozlov tackles him to the outside. Santino primes The Cobra and hits it, but The Corre interferes before Santino can make the pin.
Winners: Santino and Kozlov (by DQ)
That match was okay. It would actually be interesting to see these four in a normal, no interference tag match. I know the champs are supposed to be a comedy team, but I don't think either of them is horrible in the ring…but I don't think we'll ever know.
After a few minutes of Corre dominance, The Big Show makes his way out to take care of business. Show calls out Jackson, who cautiously makes his way onto the apron before pussying out. Like I said last week, this has WrestleMania piss break written all over it. At least he won't be losing to a sumo wrestler or a diminutive boxer this year.
Well, there are 21 minutes left in the show and they're prepping the ring for Dolph Ziggler's "coronation." You can read that as "Dolph Ziggler's going to look like a piece of shit again." As I mentioned last week, I'm boycotting this angle, so you're going to get an insanely truncated recap from here on in. This is actually good for me, because I can join my awesome 600th episode party.
Speaking of my party, I've just noticed former NBA star Tree Rollins has stopped by to wish me well. He and I have had some definite on-court battles over the years. He once called me the "best short, fat, white basketball player he'd ever seen," or…not.
Anyway, here's what happens for the rest of the show…
The coronation starts. Teddy Long comes out and makes a match between Ziggler and Edge.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Edge
Dolph Ziggler loses again.
Rating: Zero Tony the Tigers
Seriously, this is the best they could do? The huge tag match couldn't be the main event? I hope to God this angle is over.
After the match, Teddy comes out to further humiliate Dolph Ziggler by firing him. Gosh, I hope he comes back and beats up Teddy Long every week like when Cena got "fired." Edge leads the crowd in a stirring rendition of "Na na na, hey hey, goodbye." Joy.
Well, talk about starting strong and ending weak. If they would've had this show in the opposite order, it wouldn't have been too bad. Anyway, there are some nachos and spinach dip calling my name, so let me give out my awards and get my party on.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: The re-run of The Rock's return to RAW.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: The further burial of Dolph Ziggler and the continued employment of Michael Cole.
Well, that's the end of the 600th episode recap. It feels like I've recapped 6,000 episodes of this dopey show. Anyway, my guests are getting upset that I'm not making myself more available. I hear they're getting up a wicked game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey started up!! WILD!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).