Once again, time for the Lowdown on Smackdown.
Tonight features the six Elimination Chamber
combatants squaring off with one another. CM Punk
will face Rey Mysterio, R-Truth will battle John
Morrison, and The Undertaker goes one-on-one with
Chris Jericho. All of these matches sound good and
should be pretty awesome. Let's see how WWE can fuck
that up. And right off the bat, we have:
Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk W/ Luke Gallows and Serena
Turns out, I owe CM Punk an
apology. He does not have pierced nipples. He just
has very erect nipples. My bad, dude.
Rey gets the action going with
a lucha roll-up for 2. Kicks follow, as Rey tries to
work over the leg. Rey stupidly tries to initiate a
test of strength and Punk pins him to the matt for
2. However, Rey springs back up and sneaks in
another roll-up for 2. Punk responds with an
enziguri for 2 and works a triangle choke. Rey
escapes and teases a 619 as we go to the break.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Shut the
We return to find Punk kicking
Rey in the face for 1. Rey responds by sending Punk
to the outside with a hurricarana and nailing a
seated senton off the apron. Gallows approachs and
distracts Rey long enough for Punk get back up and
suplex Rey onto the barricade. Punk continues to
throw Rey into just about everything in sight,
including announce tables, the steel post, the
barricade, and the apron. Once the two are back in
the ring, Punk applies a Mexican surfboard, but Rey
rolls out into a lateral press for 2. Rey tries for
a bulldog, but Punk reverses it into a backbreaker
for 2. Rey escapes a submission and heads up top,
but Punk sweeps the leg and traps Rey in the tree of
woe. Rey dodges a corner baseball slide and hits a
seated senton, following it up with a springboard
crossbody for 2. A kick to the head also gets 2.
Punk rebounds with a powerslam for 2, but has the
Pepsi One blocked. Rey sets up for the 619, but
Serena distracts the ref, giving Gallows a chance to
interfere. Rey takes him off the apron and goes for
the 619, but Punk doges, scooping Rey up for the
GTS. Rey, however, turns it into a roll-up to win.
Mysterio. But there's no time for celebration, as
the straightedgers rush the ring and attack Rey.
Gallows does most of the work, Serena gets in a kick
to the stomach, and Punk finishes the assault with a
GTS. In addition to the other two matches announced
earlier, Batista will explain his actions from the
past few weeks. Um...why? Can't we just be happy
he's not wrestling?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: You can't
buy happiness, McDonalds. I know you try to, but you
Drew McIntyre decides now is
the time to debut a veeeeerrrrryyyyy
viiiiideeooooo, in addition to some lame,
not-metally entrance music. It was almost so lame, I
thought it was a promo. I think I also aged a few
months while watching it. McIntyre offers up some
generic garbage abou how he's unstoppable and he can
beat anyone thrown at him tonight. Of course, this
bring out Kane. Beware, McIntyre! He'll derail any
and all momentum you had! McIntyre tries to back out
by saying he'll fight Kane next week, but the ref
decides to be a douche and start the match anyway.
Kane vs. Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre
Kane starts with the usual
flurry of punches, flooring McIntyre. Kane heads up
top for the clothesline of good intentions, but
McIntyre rolls out of the ring as we got to
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That's a
big ol' biscuit.
Getting back to the action,
McIntyre has utilized his heel powers to take
control during the break, working an armbar. Kane
escapes, only to eat big boot and have McIntyre
return to working over the arm. Kane powers out,
hits a clothesline, and gets in a sidewalk slam for
2. The clothesline of good intentions connects and
Kane looks to hit a chokeslam, but McIntyre knees
him in the gut and tries to hit the Future Shot DDT.
Kane has none of that and takes both men out of the
ring, where they brawl until a count of 10 is
Especially not me. Dear God, that was dull. McIntyre
gets in another big boot and looks to wreck Kane's
face with the title belt, but Kane just hoists his
ass up for a chokeslam instead. LAME. God, can't
somebody do something with Kane?
Mickie is backstage at the
catering table and if you smell hijinks, by God,
you're right. Michelle and Layla pop up in their
matching hoodies to make more fat jokes. DEAR GOD,
LET IT END. I swear to God, I will never make fun of
another fat person as long as I live. Michelle
offers Mickie some cream cheese and she knocks it
away. Where does it land? Why, on Vickie Guerrero of
course! Oh,the hilarity! Women covered in white goop
is just SO funny! Mickie heads for the hills while
Layla and Michelle try to clean Vickie up a bit.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Screw Car
Facts. I want to see the Car Fox.
Mickie James vs. Layla W/ Michelle McCool
Yeah, I'm about to throw in the
towel and just give up caring when suddenly Vickie
comes out STILL COVERED IN CREAM CHEESE. Were they
out of towels or something? I guess it's supposed to
be funny, but considering she had about 5 minutes to
clean that stuff off and just let it sit there, it's
more disgusting than anything else. Oh, and Vickie
makes it a handicap match.
Mickie James vs. Layla AND Michelle McCool
Michelle actually takes the
time to take her shoes off outside the ring. Um,
why? Wouldn't it make more sense to leave them on?
Oh well. Who am I to try to interject logic into a
Diva's match? Mickie fights valiantly, but still
loses via the Faithbreaker.
Michelle McCool and Layla. I can think of at
least 20 different things I would rather do than
watch this feud continue. If there's another match
going on next week, I may just list them.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: 2010 has
been gone for a month. It's a little late to
The "exclusive footage" of
Batista beating on Cena is shown once more. Remind
me how this is exclusive again. Also included is a
small recap of Batista walking out on his match with
CM Punk last week, complete with Punk's hilarious
celebration. Still the best Batista match ever.
Speaking of Big Dave, here he
comes now, rocking a denim jacket and jeans that
make him look like something out of Brokeback
Mountain. Josh Matthews is in the ring to
question Batista's strange behavior, hand him a mic,
and disappear into the void. I love how Batista is
blamed for not answering Cena calling him out Monday
night despite NOT EVEN BEING THERE. It's not like he
had much of a choice. Batista takes the
mic...doesn't say anything...walks around the
ring...stares at a fan in a Cena shirt...climbs back
into the ring...drops the mic...and walks away. BEST
BATISTA PROMO EVER. Damn, this guy is on a roll. For
a second, Batista appears ready to make me eat my
words when he runs back in the ring, but instead
just kicks the microphone out of the ring. Guess he
was just fucking with us. Asshole.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I guess one
of the few perks of Florida is Dad can't make me
shovel snow to use the phone.
Teddy Long makes his way out to
the ring, showing no effects of the superkick from
Monday night. Apparently, Batista's refusal to do
anything pissed him off more than that. Aw, come on,
man! It's really a blessing! You're just not seeing
that! Teddy books Edge vs. Batista for next week,
then leaves to give us...Matt Hardy and The Great
Khali? Great. Things get worse when Matt gets a mic
and brings out his "Special Valentine", Maria.
Emphasis on "special". Good Lord, the combined
uselessness in the ring just might make my head
explode. Thankfully, The Hart Dynasty comes out to
Matt Hardy and The Great Khali W/ Ranjin Singh and
Maria vs. The Hart Dynasty
Shit, was this garbage. Men ran
at each other, women brawled, and Matt rolled up
Tyson Kidd to win it. What a piece of trash.
Hardy and The Grat Khali.
Ted DiBiase Hall of Fame promo.
I love how they're showing all his awesome heel
moments. But I have to wonder: what's with the opera
cape when he bought the Million Dollar Championship?
Was it Halloween? Did he just get out of a showing
Martha? Will anyone actually get my opera
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Love the
song in the Bioshock 2 ad.
RAW Rebound. Carl Edwards did a
sweet backflip. Oh, and Bret Hart smashed stuff that
exploded. But mostly BACKFLIP. And I gotta say, I
love Vince's fake-out with Bret. That man can be an
asshole better than anyone alive today. R-Truth vs.
John Morrison is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I've missed
the Just For Men play-by-play team. "Rejection!".
R-Truth vs. John Morrison
Morrison works a headlock, but
Truth escapes with an Irish whip. Morrison rolls
over Truth, lands on his feet, then crumples to the
ground in pain. Apparently, he injured his foot.
Truth is awarded the win and I am awarded a brief
moment of yelling and swearing.
R-Truth. This better be a "Hey, fake footage we can
use in the "Don't Try This At Home" video!" moment
and not some cheap-ass way of getting HBK into the
Elimination Chamber. If it's the latter, I may go
bald from tearing my hair out.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I've been
waiting for The Crazies for a while now.
Hope it's as awesome as it looks.
Edge makes his way to the ring,
mic in tow, to focus on getting to bypass the
Elimination Chamber. Edge goes over the possible
opponents for WrestleMania based on who could win in
the Chamber, focusing particularly on The
Undertaker. Edge tries to talk about his match with
Batista next week, but Jericho arrives to put an end
to that. Jericho is pissy that Edge didn't even
mention him as a possible opponent for 'Mania and
warns Edge to avoid him anyway or else he'll get
hurt. The Undertaker decides to make his entrance
here, but thankfully, we're spared the eternal
entrance by a commercial break.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Dante's
Inferno has totally fucked with the storyline of
The Divine Comedy. And did nobody teach the
writers that minions of Satan can't die by the hands
of mortal men by means of, say, getting their face
ground up? They're already fucking dead and powered
by the supernatuaral evil of Satan. They ain't
fuckin' dying anytime soon.
Chris Jericho vs. World Heavyweight Champion
The Undertaker (No Disqualification, Non-Title
Jericho tries to stall for a
while by running around, but UT catches him and hits
an apron legdrop, then tosses him into the
barricade. Apparently, Edge is doing a bit of
scouting over at the commentary table as Jericho
blocks Old School, then hits a suplerplex for 2.
'Taker escapes a corner charge, then hits a corner
charge. Snake Eyes is followed by the old Hogan big
boot-leg drop combo for 2. TNA IS NOT AMUSED. 'Taker
signals for a chokeslam, but Jericho rolls out of
the ring to stare down Edge for a bit. 'Taker grabs
him from behind and throws him over the announce
table, almost hitting Edge. UT tosses Jericho back
into the ring and gives Edge a big boot
for...standing there? Yeah, that works. Back in the
ring, the Last Ride connects, but Edge pays 'Taker
back with a spear. The Deadman sits up, but Jericho
is there with a Codebreaker to seal it.
Well, that certainly made
things a little more interesting. Will it be
Edge-'Taker 2.0? Or will I get the Edge-Jericho
match I'm hoping for? Hopefully, next week's
Smackdown won't be the one that drives me to
suicide, because there's a lot it could do that
would leave me reaching for the bleach.