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LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
(02/12/10)
BY SHANE STEELE

Once again, time for the Lowdown on Smackdown. Tonight features the six Elimination Chamber combatants squaring off with one another. CM Punk will face Rey Mysterio, R-Truth will battle John Morrison, and The Undertaker goes one-on-one with Chris Jericho. All of these matches sound good and should be pretty awesome. Let's see how WWE can fuck that up. And right off the bat, we have:
 
Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk W/ Luke Gallows and Serena
 
Turns out, I owe CM Punk an apology. He does not have pierced nipples. He just has very erect nipples. My bad, dude.
 
Rey gets the action going with a lucha roll-up for 2. Kicks follow, as Rey tries to work over the leg. Rey stupidly tries to initiate a test of strength and Punk pins him to the matt for 2. However, Rey springs back up and sneaks in another roll-up for 2. Punk responds with an enziguri for 2 and works a triangle choke. Rey escapes and teases a 619 as we go to the break.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Shut the doors? Really?
 
We return to find Punk kicking Rey in the face for 1. Rey responds by sending Punk to the outside with a hurricarana and nailing a seated senton off the apron. Gallows approachs and distracts Rey long enough for Punk get back up and suplex Rey onto the barricade. Punk continues to throw Rey into just about everything in sight, including announce tables, the steel post, the barricade, and the apron. Once the two are back in the ring, Punk applies a Mexican surfboard, but Rey rolls out into a lateral press for 2. Rey tries for a bulldog, but Punk reverses it into a backbreaker for 2. Rey escapes a submission and heads up top, but Punk sweeps the leg and traps Rey in the tree of woe. Rey dodges a corner baseball slide and hits a seated senton, following it up with a springboard crossbody for 2. A kick to the head also gets 2. Punk rebounds with a powerslam for 2, but has the Pepsi One blocked. Rey sets up for the 619, but Serena distracts the ref, giving Gallows a chance to interfere. Rey takes him off the apron and goes for the 619, but Punk doges, scooping Rey up for the GTS. Rey, however, turns it into a roll-up to win.
 
WINNER: Rey Mysterio. But there's no time for celebration, as the straightedgers rush the ring and attack Rey. Gallows does most of the work, Serena gets in a kick to the stomach, and Punk finishes the assault with a GTS. In addition to the other two matches announced earlier, Batista will explain his actions from the past few weeks. Um...why? Can't we just be happy he's not wrestling?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: You can't buy happiness, McDonalds. I know you try to, but you can't.
 
Drew McIntyre decides now is the time to debut a veeeeerrrrryyyyy sllllllloooooowwwww ennnnntraaaaannnnce viiiiideeooooo, in addition to some lame, not-metally entrance music. It was almost so lame, I thought it was a promo. I think I also aged a few months while watching it. McIntyre offers up some generic garbage abou how he's unstoppable and he can beat anyone thrown at him tonight. Of course, this bring out Kane. Beware, McIntyre! He'll derail any and all momentum you had! McIntyre tries to back out by saying he'll fight Kane next week, but the ref decides to be a douche and start the match anyway.
 
Kane vs. Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre (Non-title Match)
 
Kane starts with the usual flurry of punches, flooring McIntyre. Kane heads up top for the clothesline of good intentions, but McIntyre rolls out of the ring as we got to COMMERCIALS.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That's a big ol' biscuit.
 
Getting back to the action, McIntyre has utilized his heel powers to take control during the break, working an armbar. Kane escapes, only to eat big boot and have McIntyre return to working over the arm. Kane powers out, hits a clothesline, and gets in a sidewalk slam for 2. The clothesline of good intentions connects and Kane looks to hit a chokeslam, but McIntyre knees him in the gut and tries to hit the Future Shot DDT. Kane has none of that and takes both men out of the ring, where they brawl until a count of 10 is reached.
 
WINNER Nobody. Especially not me. Dear God, that was dull. McIntyre gets in another big boot and looks to wreck Kane's face with the title belt, but Kane just hoists his ass up for a chokeslam instead. LAME. God, can't somebody do something with Kane?
 
Mickie is backstage at the catering table and if you smell hijinks, by God, you're right. Michelle and Layla pop up in their matching hoodies to make more fat jokes. DEAR GOD, LET IT END. I swear to God, I will never make fun of another fat person as long as I live. Michelle offers Mickie some cream cheese and she knocks it away. Where does it land? Why, on Vickie Guerrero of course! Oh,the hilarity! Women covered in white goop is just SO funny! Mickie heads for the hills while Layla and Michelle try to clean Vickie up a bit.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Screw Car Facts. I want to see the Car Fox.
 
Mickie James vs. Layla W/ Michelle McCool
 
Yeah, I'm about to throw in the towel and just give up caring when suddenly Vickie comes out STILL COVERED IN CREAM CHEESE. Were they out of towels or something? I guess it's supposed to be funny, but considering she had about 5 minutes to clean that stuff off and just let it sit there, it's more disgusting than anything else. Oh, and Vickie makes it a handicap match.
 
Mickie James vs. Layla AND Michelle McCool (Handicap Match)
 
Michelle actually takes the time to take her shoes off outside the ring. Um, why? Wouldn't it make more sense to leave them on? Oh well. Who am I to try to interject logic into a Diva's match? Mickie fights valiantly, but still loses via the Faithbreaker.
 
WINNERS: Michelle McCool and Layla. I can think of at least 20 different things I would rather do than watch this feud continue. If there's another match going on next week, I may just list them.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: 2010 has been gone for a month. It's a little late to celebrate.
 
The "exclusive footage" of Batista beating on Cena is shown once more. Remind me how this is exclusive again. Also included is a small recap of Batista walking out on his match with CM Punk last week, complete with Punk's hilarious celebration. Still the best Batista match ever.
 
Speaking of Big Dave, here he comes now, rocking a denim jacket and jeans that make him look like something out of Brokeback Mountain. Josh Matthews is in the ring to question Batista's strange behavior, hand him a mic, and disappear into the void. I love how Batista is blamed for not answering Cena calling him out Monday night despite NOT EVEN BEING THERE. It's not like he had much of a choice. Batista takes the mic...doesn't say anything...walks around the ring...stares at a fan in a Cena shirt...climbs back into the ring...drops the mic...and walks away. BEST BATISTA PROMO EVER. Damn, this guy is on a roll. For a second, Batista appears ready to make me eat my words when he runs back in the ring, but instead just kicks the microphone out of the ring. Guess he was just fucking with us. Asshole.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I guess one of the few perks of Florida is Dad can't make me shovel snow to use the phone.
 
Teddy Long makes his way out to the ring, showing no effects of the superkick from Monday night. Apparently, Batista's refusal to do anything pissed him off more than that. Aw, come on, man! It's really a blessing! You're just not seeing that! Teddy books Edge vs. Batista for next week, then leaves to give us...Matt Hardy and The Great Khali? Great. Things get worse when Matt gets a mic and brings out his "Special Valentine", Maria. Emphasis on "special". Good Lord, the combined uselessness in the ring just might make my head explode. Thankfully, The Hart Dynasty comes out to counter-act this.
 
Matt Hardy and The Great Khali W/ Ranjin Singh and Maria vs. The Hart Dynasty
 
Shit, was this garbage. Men ran at each other, women brawled, and Matt rolled up Tyson Kidd to win it. What a piece of trash.
 
WINNERS: Matt Hardy and The Grat Khali.
 
Ted DiBiase Hall of Fame promo. I love how they're showing all his awesome heel moments. But I have to wonder: what's with the opera cape when he bought the Million Dollar Championship? Was it Halloween? Did he just get out of a showing of Martha? Will anyone actually get my opera reference?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Love the song in the Bioshock 2 ad.
 
RAW Rebound. Carl Edwards did a sweet backflip. Oh, and Bret Hart smashed stuff that exploded. But mostly BACKFLIP. And I gotta say, I love Vince's fake-out with Bret. That man can be an asshole better than anyone alive today. R-Truth vs. John Morrison is next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I've missed the Just For Men play-by-play team. "Rejection!".
 
R-Truth vs. John Morrison
 
Morrison works a headlock, but Truth escapes with an Irish whip. Morrison rolls over Truth, lands on his feet, then crumples to the ground in pain. Apparently, he injured his foot. Truth is awarded the win and I am awarded a brief moment of yelling and swearing.
 
WINNER: R-Truth. This better be a "Hey, fake footage we can use in the "Don't Try This At Home" video!" moment and not some cheap-ass way of getting HBK into the Elimination Chamber. If it's the latter, I may go bald from tearing my hair out.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I've been waiting for The Crazies for a while now. Hope it's as awesome as it looks.
 
Edge makes his way to the ring, mic in tow, to focus on getting to bypass the Elimination Chamber. Edge goes over the possible opponents for WrestleMania based on who could win in the Chamber, focusing particularly on The Undertaker. Edge tries to talk about his match with Batista next week, but Jericho arrives to put an end to that. Jericho is pissy that Edge didn't even mention him as a possible opponent for 'Mania and warns Edge to avoid him anyway or else he'll get hurt. The Undertaker decides to make his entrance here, but thankfully, we're spared the eternal entrance by a commercial break.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Dante's Inferno has totally fucked with the storyline of The Divine Comedy. And did nobody teach the writers that minions of Satan can't die by the hands of mortal men by means of, say, getting their face ground up? They're already fucking dead and powered by the supernatuaral evil of Satan. They ain't fuckin' dying anytime soon.
 
Chris Jericho vs. World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker (No Disqualification, Non-Title Match)
 
Jericho tries to stall for a while by running around, but UT catches him and hits an apron legdrop, then tosses him into the barricade. Apparently, Edge is doing a bit of scouting over at the commentary table as Jericho blocks Old School, then hits a suplerplex for 2. 'Taker escapes a corner charge, then hits a corner charge. Snake Eyes is followed by the old Hogan big boot-leg drop combo for 2. TNA IS NOT AMUSED. 'Taker signals for a chokeslam, but Jericho rolls out of the ring to stare down Edge for a bit. 'Taker grabs him from behind and throws him over the announce table, almost hitting Edge. UT tosses Jericho back into the ring and gives Edge a big boot for...standing there? Yeah, that works. Back in the ring, the Last Ride connects, but Edge pays 'Taker back with a spear. The Deadman sits up, but Jericho is there with a Codebreaker to seal it.
 
WINNER: Chris Jericho.
 
Well, that certainly made things a little more interesting. Will it be Edge-'Taker 2.0? Or will I get the Edge-Jericho match I'm hoping for? Hopefully, next week's Smackdown won't be the one that drives me to suicide, because there's a lot it could do that would leave me reaching for the bleach.
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).