Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

WWE SMACKDOWN RANT

by "Great" Scott

February 11, 2011


Hello, folks, “Great” Scott here again, bringing you the very best in SmackDown recappage.

This week's recap is brought to you by The Great Debaters. In celebration of Black History Month, I figured I'd include this topical 2007 movie with Denzel Washington. I was talking to my buddies the other day about actors that just don't do bad movies, and Denzel Washington is one of those actors. Hell, Jack Nicholson is an icon and even he was in Anger Management. Denzel is truly an acting legend, and deserves to be honored by having a schlub on a wrestling Web site mention him as an acting icon. I'm sure he'll consider his career complete now that I've honored him as such.

Before I begin this week's recap, I'd like to bring back Great Scott's Great Advice of the Week. Last week, I finished a book that I'd like to recommend to you all. It's called A Drink Before the War. It's a detective/action book by the guy who wrote Inception and Mystic River. It's a really good, gritty story that takes place in Boston. If you have an aversion to dirty language, don't read the book. Otherwise, pick this book up and give it a read…it's really good.

Before this week's show starts, we're treated to a recap of last week's “main event.” I'm using air quotes because anything that involves LayCool, Kelly Kelly, and Vickie Guerrero should never come near the main event…ever.

Anyway, we see that Dolph Ziggler is a stupid loser who can't win even when the deck is stacked heavily in his favor. We also learn that Vickie Guerrero has a hard time pronouncing a lot of words, has a horrible fake laugh, sucks at making match stipulations, and that Dolph Ziggler is going to lose again this week. If you believe otherwise, I have some oceanfront property in Utah I'd like to sell you.

The show begins with…another party segment for Alberto Del Rio?!? Okay, I like the guy, but isn't this like the third celebration segment they've done? Who's going to interrupt this one?

After we learn about the things Del Rio loves (cars, Mexico, hookers, the movie La Bamba, Taco Bell, and the Macarena), Kofi Kingston makes his way to the ring. Kofi recalls how Del Rio beat him with a kendo stick last week, and then he returns the favor. After that, Kingston destroys Del Rio's wonderful $15.00 set. “Evil” Michael Cole ruins things by reminding me he exists.

After the commercials, it's time for a match, which coincidentally enough is…

Kofi Kingston vs. Alberto Del Rio

Del Rio starts quickly with punches and kicks. A few seconds later, Kingston hits a sloppy shot out of the corner and takes control until he misses a running kick in the corner. Del Rio regains control with a back breaker, and then applies a rear chinlock. Del Rio works over Kingston's back for a little bit, but tries for that thing that he tries for that never works (where he goes flying through the ropes). This time, though, Del Rio lands on his feet on the outside; he quickly slides back in the ring and is het with a pair of double chops, a dropkick, and a leaping clothesline from Kingston. After Kingston hits the Boom Boom Boom leg drop, he goes for a corner splash and Del Rio dodges. Del Rio goes for a corner charge of his own and Kingston hits his “No This Isn't Christian's Move” upside-down kick in the corner. Kingston heads to the top and lands a high cross body to get a two count. Del Rio recovers enough to land a knee lift and try for a fireman's carry gutbuster, but Kingston escapes. Kingston gets the S.O.S off and goes for another cover, but Del Rio grabs the bottom rope.

Kingston signals for the Trouble in Paradise, but Del Rio rolls out of the ring. Kingston follows, but Del Rio flings Kingston into the rings steps and then kicks Kingston's arm while it's still against the steps. Del Rio tosses Kingston back in the ring and applies the cross arm breaker. Kingston taps out in short order.

Winner: Alberto Del Rio

Rating:

That match was good, but nothing spectacular. It was a nice buildup for Del Rio, who is definitely looking like a legit contender for Edge's title.

Speaking of legit contender, we head to the back to watch Edge try to sell Dolph Ziggler as a legitimate contender without laughing his ass off. I give credit to Edge for not cracking up.

Next up, an advertisement for The Chaperone. Man, that movie looks like a steaming pile. I'm still going to stand by my statement that Santino and Vladimir Kozlov in some sort of a movie (a buddy cop flick ala Lethal Weapon) would make WWE millions. Mark my words.

Speaking of the WWE's resident Riggs and Murtaugh…

Vladimir Kozlov (with Santino Marella) vs. Justin Gabriel (with The Corre)

I don't like big Vlad's chances in this one.

Kozlov trashes Gabriel in the early goings, but Gabriel escapes from a powerslam and hits a bevy of kicks. After a pin that gets about a one count, Gabriel applies a rear chinlock. Kozlov escapes almost immediately and the two have a nice little back and forth that ends with Kozlov capturing Gabriel in a series of trapping headbutts.

After this, The Corre gets involved. Jackson distracts the ref while Slater trips Kozlov. This angers Santino, who primes up The Cobra and levels Slater. Gabriel hits a nice baseball slide on Santino, but then walks right into a kick by Kozlov. Kozlov tries for a big elbow drop, but Gabriel gets his knees up. Gabriel heads to the top and hits the 450 splash to get the win. Does anyone remember when Kozlov beat the Undertaker CLEANLY?

Winner: Justing Gabriel

Rating:

That match was pretty decent, too. It had some good spots and established The Corre as a group to contend with. I'm mystified as to why Kozlov is the one that has to keep losing, but…

After the match, Barrett hits his finisher on Santino and Jackson hits his on Kozlov.

Later tonight, it's Rey Mysterio vs. Wade Barrett…which could go either way.

Another promo for Undertaker returning…even though I wish it would be the return of the Widowmaker, Barry Windham.

After an ad for WWE honoring Black History Month (which surprisingly doesn't have any references to Kerwin White), we head back to the ring for…

Chris Masters vs. Drew McIntyre

Oh gosh, with the “firing” of Kelly Kelly, one of the WWE's most compelling angles comes to an end. I'm crying on the inside.

I just noticed something. When Chris Masters was a heel, he didn't have facial hair; now that he's a face, he does. That goes against all rules regarding good guy/bad guy facial hair etiquette. Remember how evil Spock had a goatee? Even now in the Priceline commercials, evil William Shatner has facial hair. Chris Masters…YOU'RE CONFUSING ME!

McIntyre immediately rolls to the outside and grabs a microphone. Because a Drew/Kelly Kelly angle is the one place WWE wants to apply continuity and some semblance of logic, Drew blames Edge for getting Kelly Kelly fired. He dedicates the match to her.

In the ring, Masters goes to work quickly (well, as quickly as Masters can do anything) and hits perhaps the most brutal sit down powerbomb I've ever seen. Somehow, this doesn't get a three count. For some reason, Masters tries to hit something off the turnbuckles, but McIntyre ducks and goes for a backslide. Masters powers out and flips McIntyre. Unfortunately for Masters, he flips McIntyre right into position for the FutureShock DDT. McIntyre hits it and wins the match.

Rating:

While the match was short, it did exactly what it needed to do. The powerbomb spot gets it an extra half point.

Brooklyn Decker is unreal. Putting her in the stupid Adam Sandler movie is like putting a diamond in a pile of dog turds.

After another set of commercials, we're reminded that Cody Rhodes' chest…err, face, was messed up as a result of Rey Mysterio's exposed knee pad. Sigh…

In the back, Rey Mysterio makes fun of Cody Rhodes (and is actually FUNNY) and heads to the ring for…

Wade Barrett vs. Rey Mysterio

Since The Corre isn't out here, I'm assuming Cody is going to come out to cause Rey to lose. Let's see if I'm right.

Wow, next week is the 600th episode of SmackDown. The main event is apparently going to be a 12-man clusterfuck tag match!! FUN!! Gosh, I'm going to have to think of something special for that recap!

Wade Barrett takes control right off the bat by kicking the life out of Rey. Mysterio comes back a bit by using his quickness, but Barrett lands a knee to stop Mysterio's momentum. Barrett methodically works over Rey until Rey drop toeholds Barrett into the middle turnbuckle. Mysterio follows that up with a low dropkick to a seated Barrett. Mysterio goes to the top rope, but Barrett recovers and trips up Mysterio, who ends up in the Tree of Woe. Barrett follows up by choking Mysterio over the middle rope and hitting a textbook suplex. After hitting a pair of knees to the back, Barrett goes for another suplex. Rey flips out and dropkicks Barrett's knee, putting him in the position for the 619. Barrett recovers, but Rey low bridges him on a charge and Barrett goes flying to the outside. Rey follows up with a seated senton off the ring apron. Barrett's apparently had enough of Mysterio, so he suplexes him onto the security wall. That looks like it hurt. Let's see some commercials!

After the commercial break, we see that Barrett still has control. Mysterio tries to kick his way back into the game, but Barrett wrenches his arms. Rey escapes and hits a springboard crossbody that almost wins the match. Barrett recovers and tries for a corner charge, but Rey kicks him off. Barrett catches Rey and props him up top. Rey fights Barrett off and hits another seated senton off the top rope. He follows by using his speed to hit a flying head scissors. Barrett tries to overpower Mysterio, who just kicks him away. A woozy Barrett hoists Rey up into position for the Wasteland, but Mysterio fights out. Barrett, however, manages to nail Mysterio with a side slam. Cole shows what a shitty announcer he is when he doesn't know who Big Bubba Rogers is (The Big Boss Man). I hate Michael Cole.

Barrett tries for a pumphandle slam, but Rey flips out and sends Barrett into the ropes, right into position for the 619. Justin Gabriel runs out to lend his a hand, but Rey just kicks him away. Unfortunately for Rey, this gives Barrett just enough time to recover and hit a running boot. He follows up with Wasteland to get the victory.

Winner: Wade Barrett

Rating:

I'm noticing a pattern here. This match was a little slow, but not bad. I've seen better out of both guys, but I've also seen worse.

After the match, The Corre is going to lay a beating on Mysterio, until Big Show comes out to crush everyone. Big Show wrecks everyone and looks to be ready to chokeslam Slater and Gabriel, until Jackson recovers enough to nail Show with a clothesline. The Corre members beat down Big Show for a bit, and…there is no way Jackson is going to suplex that big sack of crap…no way…wow. That was pretty damned amazing. The only problem I have with this is that it could end up with a Big Show/Ezekiel Jackson match at Wrestlemania, which would definitely qualify as a piss break match.

After commercials and another completely pointless Undertaker promo, we're treated to…

JTG vs. Kane

Well, so much for the streak of better-than-average matches.

JTG manages three moves before Kane boots him in the face and unloads on him in the corner. Kane hits his seated dropkick and a sideslam before heading to the top rope. Kane lands his “flying” clothesline and signals for the chokeslam. One chokeslam later and this match is over.

Winner: Kane

Rating:

That was terrible. Was that really the best guy they could dredge up for Kane to fight? Actually, does Kane really need any buildup? That was pointless. They should've had two mid-carders fight…would've made for a better match.

After commercial break 57, we're treated to an elimination chamber montage. The chamber weighs 16 tons, huh? If you believe that, you probably think Dolph Ziggler is going to win tonight! The only good thing about the elimination chamber is that it's a pretty fun mode to play in the WWE video games. Now that WWE is PG, these things are just mini-Royal Rumbles.

In the back, three useless WWE women move their mouths and I try to ignore the sounds that come out.

Layla (with Michelle McCool) vs. Eve Torres

Eve is gorgeous, but I really couldn't care less about anything going on here.

Before the match, they tease the breakup of LayCool, which would be a DREAM for me…unless it results in a WrestleMania match between these two harpies (or is it herpes in this case?) wasting a spot on the card.

When I look back up at the screen, Layla has a rest hold applied and she's screaming at Eve. Eve fights out and hits two “I'm hitting my first dropkick” dropkicks. She follows up with some sloppy clotheslines, a standing moonsault, and a reverse STO. Eve goes to the top for a moonsault, but Michelle distracts her. This allows Layla to trip her up. Layla goes for a pin, but Eve escapes. Eve then randomly floats over and gets a pin. Huh?

Winner: Eve Torres

Rating:

That was shaping up to be a competent divas match, until the completely illogical ending.

Speaking of illogical endings, our main event is NEXT!

Edge vs. Dolph Ziggler (with Special Guest Referee Vickie Guerrero)

You know, as a sign of protest, I'm not even recapping this match. I'm just going to skip to the ending and explain how Dolph Ziggler is made to look like an idiot again.

Oh yeah, before the match, Vickie reminds us the spear is still banned…and if Edge is disqualified for using it, Ziggler becomes champ. My ban still stands.

The match happens. Vickie tries to cheat, but it doesn't work. Vickie signals that SHE's GOING TO SPEAR EDGE (sweet Jesus), but it doesn't work. Edge spears Ziggler, but Vickie is hurt from her “spear.” Edge hits a second spear (that Vickie actually SEES), but Edge isn't disqualified. Some guy from the Green Bay Packers comes out and makes the count. Edge wins. Surprise!

Winner: Edge

Rating: (Yep, that's zero Tony the Tigers.)

I'm getting about sick of this. So now, a football player can run out with a stripped shirt and make a count in a match? When was it decided that Vickie wasn't the ref anymore? Hey, WWE writing team, don't write yourself into such a corner that you need to make up dumb illogical shit to get yourself out of said corner. Seriously, Edge's title reign is becoming a disgrace. First, he fights to a TIE with Kane at Survivor Series, and now he's winning matches with the help of random football players.

I need to go take my blood pressure medication…let me hand out the awards and get out of here.

The Really Great Thing of the Night: None of the matches stood out, so I'll give it to Chris Masters' sitdown powerbomb.

The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: Guess.

That's the end of yet another SmackDown. I'll see you next week on WWE's VERY SPECIAL 600th episode!

SEND FEEDBACK TO "GREAT" SCOTT

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).