Before we get to
the recap, I'd like to give my two cents on the
Rumble. Um, when did we decide to kill all the young
talent? And mostly at the hands of CM Punk, no less.
It was like watching the New Breed die all over
again when Ziggler, Bourne, JTG, and Ryder were all
tossed in short order by Mr. Punk. OK, minus the
vampires and school teachers, but still, the pain is
still there! In all seriousness, did anyone under
the age of 30 last more than 5 minutes? Or for that
matter, eliminate anyone? There's a good reason
they're not releasing individual times for the
Rumble and that's because almost everyone would
hover around the half a minute mark. Hell, even
Jericho got about three and a half minutes! LAME.
Sure, there was some good stuff (Beth Phoenix taking
out Khali was awesome) and plenty more bad stuff
(all the singles matches, MVP's kinda-sorta-maybe
heel turn at the end of his match with Miz, Miz
getting another terrible Rumble performance courtesy
of one Montel Vontavious Porter), but the young
talent getting murdered sealed it for me. At least
Edge is back. Yay Edge. BUT KOFI ONLY GOT LIKE,
WHAT, 4 MINUTES DESPITE BEING BUILT UP FOR-Okay, I'm
done now. On to the show.
the return Edge will bring back the Cutting Edge and
interview The Undertaker, one of his potential
opponents for WrestleMania. Until, of course,
Elimination Chamber (God, that name is stupid),
where that title will be properly placed around the
waist (see what I did there?) of Chris Jericho.
Speaking of the Elimination Chamber, we'll have the
qualifying matches for that match tonight as well.
And some EXCLUSIVE footage from RAW featuring John
Cena and Batista that you totally couldn't see on
WWE.com for the past 3 days or something. Nope. This
stuff is Smackdown only, baby.
Jericho (which is what I was doing some three
sentences ago), he makes is way out to the ring to
kick off the show, bemoaning his Royal Rumble loss
and Edge's return, which he claims takes away from
his spotlight. Jericho demands Teddy Long make
things right, as he is now apparently in charge of
the entire WWE and can just strip people of cleanly
won Royal Rumble victories and hand them out to
other people. Yes. Alas, Teddy does not thug and bug
his way to the ring, so Jericho just decides to go
find him in the back. He picks on some stagehands,
yells at The Hart Dynasty for being there, and finds
the office, which is located right next to the
catering table and appears to be a broom closet.
Strike that earlier comment about Teddy being head
of the WWE. Surprise! Edge is there and Jericho
wastes no time in promising to make Edge regret
coming back. Edge promises to make Jericho pay and
we have some very intereting build.
first qualifying match, we get a nice little trailer
on the horrors of the Elimination Chamber, complete
with some music that sounds better suited to one of
those informational videos that plays at the chimp
exhibit at the zoo. Sadly, there is no footage of
Mike Knox's surprise entry last year, but Finlay
makes it in despite doing absolutely nothing this
Drew McIntyre vs. John Morrison vs.
Kane (Triple Threat Elimination Chamber Qualifying
these things belong together, but one of these
things does not belong....". Anywhoo, the match is
underway, with each men getting in a fair share of
punches and kicks before Morrison finally interjects
an honest-to-God wrestling move by rolling up
McIntyre for 2. Kane tries to get in some offense,
but Morrison and McIntyre put aside their
differences and hit a double DDT. However, the
pairing is put to a quick end when Morrison
crossbody's McIntyre out of the ring as we go to
THOUGHT: My newspaper actually praised Pauly Shore.
I wonder how much he paid them to do that.
to find McIntyre and Kane exchanging blows, with
Kane hitting an uppercut for 2. Morrison manages to
get back in on the action, but eats a backbreaker
from McIntyre for 2. Kane big boots McIntyre and
looks to hit the clothesline of good intentions, but
Morrison hits a pele kick to strand Kane on the top
rope. McIntyre clotheslines Morrison out of the ring
and looks to superplex Kane, but that is quickly
ended when Kane grabs his throat and climbs down to
try and chokeslam him. Morrison bounces back into
the ring with a Flying Chuck on Kane and DDT's
McIntyre for 2. Kane comes back with the usual dull
hossiness, hitting a sidewalk slam on Morrison for
2. The clothesline of good intentions connects on
Morrison, but McIntyre hits Kane in the gut with the
Intercontinental title and nails a Future Shot DDT.
Because this match is suddenly No DQ. That makes
sense. However, Morrison knees McIntyre in the face
as he goes for a cover and hits Starship Pain on
Kane (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) to win it.
WINNER: John Morrison. Oh,
and SUCK IT, KANE! No Elimination Chamber for you!
THOUGHT: You, Kevin Butler, are annoying.
R-Truth vs. Mike Knox (Elimination
Chamber Qualifying Match)
Oh my God,
two years of Mike Knox Elimination Chamber matches
in a row. MAKE IT HAPPEN.
off good for my favorite beardy face, as he hits a
nice running crossbody for 2. A body slam followed
by a knee drop also manages to get 2. However, Truth
clotheslines Knox out of the ring, hits a plancha,
rolls him back in the ring, hits a missile dropkick,
and seals it with a corkscrew elbow. Dammit.
WINNER: R-Truth. Alas, the
Mike Knox repeat is not to be. Still, nice to see
Truth getting a push, even if it is straight into
the waiting arms of The Undertaker.
We now get
that "exclusive" footage I mentioned earlier. The
Bret Hart-Vince McMahon feud: now complete with
pointless interjections from John Cena and Batista
and censorship of the word "ass". I guess this is
supposed to lead to another Cena-Batista match at
'Mania, but didn't we learn from the last debacle
these two had at SummerSlam two years ago? On second
thought, let it happen. If both these guys get put
on the shelf, I will be a very happy man.
Straightedge Society is in the back, discussing
Punk's Elimination Chamber qualifying match with
Batista. Punk wants the full, undying support of his
disciples and they pledge it to him, with Gallows
going as far as saying he'll stick his head in fire
for Punk. Roast Festus, anyone? That match comes
THOUGHT: Sometimes, hair dye is important enough to
leap on to a moving bus for.
CM Punk W/ Luke Gallows and Serena
vs. Batista (Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match)
stays in the corner...scratches his nose...and
leaves, getting counted out as Punk and Company
joyously hop around. Bar none, the best Batista
match I have ever seeen.
WINNER BY COUNT-OUT: CM
Punk. I was so awestruck by greatness of this match
that I almost didn't notice what appear to be nipple
piercings on Punk's hairy chest, but now that I'm
over that brief bit of miracle, EW! NIPPLE
PIERCINGS! If there's an award for grossest chest,
please give it to Punk, stat.
completely worthless Matt Hardy walks by the
completely worthless (and undeserving. Yeah, I
didn't forget that Slammy you got, bitch) Maria and
strikes up a conversation. If this leads to a
Maria-Matt Hardy-Great Khali-Ranjin Singh quartet, I
will be a very happy man. But that is not for
tonight, as Matt Hardy faces Chris Jericho after the
THOUGHT: I miss the good ol' days of Marvel vs.
Capcom. Who's Tetsa...Testo...Tanna...Tenta...funny
Japanese T-word company anyway?
Matt Hardy vs. Chris Jericho
(Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match)
slaps on a headlock following the lock-up, but Matt
escapes with punches and just keeps doing that.
Jericho tries to come back with a kick to the
sizeable gut, but Matt just tosses him from the ring
and hits a diving clothesline off the apron. Jericho
regains control by tossing Matt into the steel steps
and tries to get a count-out victory, but Matt makes
it back into the ring at 9. Jericho applies a
submission (armbar?), but Matt reverses it into a
roll-up for 2. Jericho responds with a running
enziguri for 2. Matt manages to dodge a corner
charge and hits a reverse DDT for 2. The old
clothesline-bulldog combo also gets 2. Matt hits the
second rope elbow drop and signals for the Twist of
Fate, but Jericho blocks it and ACTUALLY MANAGES TO
HIT THE LIONSAULT. OK, I think we better get ready
for the Apocalypse right about now. After that brief
bit of awesomeness, Matt hits a Side Effect and
signals for another Twist of Fate, but Jericho just
rolls him up for 2. Jericho tries to apply the
Walls, but Matt kicks out. This time, Matt tries for
the ever-annoying Twist of Fate Outta Nowhere, but
since Jeff isn't around to necessitate a push for
him, he just falls over when Jericho grabs the ropes
to block it and eats Codebreaker.
WINNER: Chris Jericho.
THOUGHT: Those are some sick fingers.
and his hideous tie announce the arrival of Mickie
James, who appears to be wearing the same outfit she
had on Sunday night. The washing machine must
have put in some extra hours. Mickie gives us the
usual spiel about following your dreams and being
true to yourself and such when Beth Phoenix
interrupts. Beth comments on her rather successful
appearance in the Royal Rumble (she eliminated
someone, with most of the young talent failed to do)
and claims she can take the Women's title from
Mickie at will. This brings out Vickie Guerrero for
some reason. I guess Teddy wanted tonight off.
Holla. Vickie fails to make a Women's championship
match like I was hoping, but instead makes a tag
match pitting Mickie and Beth against Layla and
Michelle McCool. Way to capitalize on a great
opportunity there, Vickie.
Beth Phoenix and Mickie James vs.
Layla and Michelle McCool
starts off annihilating Michelle until Michelle hits
a dropkick and starts to target the leg. Beth blocks
a heel hook attempt, punches out Layla, and tags to
Mickie. Beth then floors Mickie with a punch, does
the same to Michelle, and leaves. Layla tags in,
hoping to capitalize, but is instead rolled up by
WINNNERS: Beth Phoenix and
Mickie James. Oh, and ineptitude. Did anyone besides
Beth actually do anything of note?
THOUGHT: Who's Omarosa?
Just when I
thought it was dead, Word Up pops back up,
apparently trying to pimp the new Cryme Tyme shirt,
which hilarious features a street named "Beast
Blvd". That's where I wanna live some day. Today's
word is "king", which according to Shad means the
same as "supreme". For some reason, Shad sings and
Jerry Lawler pops up to say "puppies" for the first
time in what seems like years. Then they go off,
leaving me to feel slightly more black.
THOUGHT: About time Zombieland came out on
Rey Mysterio vs. Dolph Ziggler
(Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match)
kicks things off with some amateur wrestling, then
hits a clothesline for 2. Rey scores a lucha roll-up
for 2 and sends Dolph out of the ring with a
hurricarana, following that up with a springboard
crossbody. Ziggler comes back with a dropkick for 2,
but Rey manages to set up the 619, only to see
Ziggler roll out of the ring as we go to the break.
THOUGHT: At least my door will be safe.
in time to see Ziggler hit a superplex for 2.
Ziggler applies a surfboard and slingshots Rey into
the turnbuckle. Rey, however, catches himself and
hits a seated senton, followed by a kick to the head
for 2. A bulldog also gets 2. Rey tries for another
springboard crossbody, but Ziggler turns it into a
sweet powerslam for 2. Dolph goes for a suplex, but
Rey reverses it into a roll-up for the win.
WINNER: Rey Mysterio.
Ziggler tries to attack Rey after the match, but
gets a 619 for his trouble. Can I make a wish on a
falling star? If so, I just might start wishing to
win the lotto every time I see Dolph. The Cutting
Edge is next.
THOUGHT: It's good to see people being nice to the
guy with tiny hands.
his way to the ring with some well-deserved cheers.
We get the usual "yay, it's great to be back" and "I
worked so hard to rehab!" stuff any injured wrestler
would give us, but because it's Edge, it's awesome.
Edge also includes a video of his encounter with
Sheamus on Monday night, in which a microphone may
or may not have bounced off the head of the speared
Irishman. Jericho decides to head out to the ring
and demands Edge give the guranteed WrestleMania
spot to him. This sends Edge on a tirade against
Jericho very similar to the one he had about Cena
come WrestleMania time last year. For some strange
reason, The Straightedge Society also appears, with
Punk proclaiming he's better than both men because
he's had better success against The Undertaker. Punk
promises to win the Elimination Chamber, but before
Jericho can make the same claim, the gong sounds,
the lights go out, and you know the drill.
Undertaker cleans house of the straightedgers while
Edge disposes of Jericho. Edge teases a spear on
'Taker, but elects just to stare at him as we close
was nice. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go
find a bomb shelter. The best Batista match EVAH and
a Lionsault are definitely signs that the end is
nigh...near..whatever. See ya next week. Unless, of
course, the world does end. Then I'll have called