WWE SMACKDOWN RANT
February 4, 2011
Hello! My name…is "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrreat" Scott…but you already know that! Yes, this report is a tad late again, but my old man had a bit of a health scare last week, and I finally got a chance to go visit, so…
I'm back watching SmackDown after a GRUELLING Royal Rumble recap (which you can read HERE, by the way), so I'm going to cut this a little short. I'll try to keep the match recaps brief.
Before I begin with the recap, I'd like to say that this week's edition is brought to you (unofficially) by Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Bailey Circus. Why? Well, because, like me, it's the GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH!! Damn skippy, folks.
The show INSTANTLY gets better because Booker T is out and he's part of the SmackDown announce team. That makes me very happy. Anything that cuts into the amount of time Josh Matthews and Michael Cole talk is a definite upgrade.
After an awesome Spin-a-rooni, they have to ruin things by having Vickie Guerrero come screaming out to the ring. It certainly looks like Vickie's lost weight, which doesn't help the fact that her face looks like a bulldog's ass and that her hair looks like it was cut with a weed eater.
Vickie says some stuff that I could care less about, and then she calls out Kelly Kelly. Man, Booker T coming out seems like AGES ago.
Kelly Kelly looks like Useless Automoton Barbie. Shit, Vickie actually says that Kelly Kelly looks like Barbie, which makes me ill…me agreeing with Vickie and all. I guess the idea of the storyline is that Kelly Kelly has some beef with Vickie, which would've been awesome information to have BEFORE she came out and interfered in a championship match. Eventually, Kelly Kelly smacks Ziggler and (horribly) shoves Vickie. LayCool comes out to do something; I'm assuming to make me hate this segment even more. Edge comes out to help Kelly Kelly and we mercifully end the segment.
Oh good, the main event is another match where Dolph Ziggler's going to lose and look like a tool. I'm glad they're recycling the old DDP/Undertaker angle. I'm assuming Ziggler will lose to Michelle McCool at some point.
After the commercials, it's time for our opening match…
Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov vs. Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater
Kozlov dominates early and tags to Santino. Santino gets a move or two in before Slater takes control. Santino finally tags out to Kozlov, who destroys Slater. After Kozlov powerslams Slater, he goes for a pin, but it's broken up by Gabriel. Gabriel and Santino end up on the floor and Slater attacks Kozlov from behind with a reverse DDT. Slater tags to Gabriel, who heads up top for the 450 splash. The splash hits and we have our winners.
Winners: Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater
That match was pretty lukewarm. I think Santino should be the one losing these matches, not Kozlov. They really need to beef up the tag team division…and I'm not talking about throwing guys like David Hart Smith and Yoshi Tatsu together on Superstars, either. They need to put the Hart Dynasty back together, rehire Carlito, and get Haas and Benjamin out of ROH; maybe steal a team or two from TNA while they're at it. Shit, at this point, they should see what The Bushwhackers and Rougeau Brothers are doing.
The next match is going to see who's going to the Elimination Chamber for SmackDown.
Kofi Kingston vs. Drew McIntyre
Need proof that WWE is trying to make Michael Cole the next Bobby Heenan (and failing miserably)? He's taken to calling himself a "broadcast journalist." I hate Michael Cole.
The match starts with awkward brawling. After some basic heel offense by McIntyre (punches, stomps, and a bodyslam), Kofi turns the tables and applies an armbar. Drew escapes from the hold and some more awkwardness occurs on a corner charge. Kingston sloppily hits his upside-down kick, but misses his high crossbody from the top rope. Kingston, however, lands on his feet and clotheslines McIntyre to the floor. Kingston follows, but McIntyre ends up dropping him onto the steps…ouch. Now, it's time for commercials.
Remember when Nicholas Cage was getting Oscar nominations for movies? Yeah, me neither.
When we return, Drew McIntyre is applying what is essentially a sitting abdominal stretch. Kingston escapes, but quickly falls prey to a tilt-a-whirl gutbuster…which I've never seen before. That was pretty cool. Drew McIntyre continues to dominate for a bit, hitting a trio of clotheslines and a nice dropkick. Finally, Kingston turns the tables with a floatover DDT. Kingston goes to town with punches, a leaping clothesline, and the double leg drop. Kingston signals for Trouble in Paradise, but McIntyre swats it away. All of a sudden, Alberto Del Rio comes on the TitanTron and distracts Kofi Kingston. This gives McIntyre a chance to kick Kofi's leg out of his leg and hit the FutureShock DDT to win. Drew McIntyre wins a singles match against a quality opponent?!? Will wonders never cease?
Winner: Drew McIntyre
The match started out awkwardly, but picked up a bit before the cop-out ending. I would've rather have seen McIntyre win clean…but a win's a win, I guess. But, shouldn't Trent Baretta have been in this match? He beat McIntyre, didn't he?
Okay…something is happening on 2/21/2011. There's rain, a guy in a trench coat, and what looks to be a cowboy house. Is Sam Houston coming back? Outlaw Ron Bass? The Smoking Gunns?!?! Jimmy Wang Yang?!? The return of The Widowmaker?!?! (That's an obscure one!) The possibilities are endless! I'm assuming, however, that this is just the return of The Undertaker. Bummer.
When we return, we head right back to the ring for another qualifying match…
Rey Mysterio vs. Jack Swagger
The match lasts all of 30 seconds before the commercial break. That's ridiculous.
When the commercials are over, it's as if the match hadn't even started yet. Why didn't they just start the match after the commercials?
Anyway, the match is pretty much Swagger's strength and grappling vs. Rey's speed and agility. Rey takes the advantage early until Swagger stops Rey from hitting a move off the ropes to the outside after Swagger rolls out to escape a 619. From there, Swagger works over Rey's leg. Hey, psychology! It's been ages! How the heck are you? Swagger's momentum finally ends when he misses a second Vader splash. Rey comes back with a big DDT, but Swagger catches Rey on a 619 attempt and applies the ankle lock. Rey ends up sending Swagger to the corner and hitting a kick while he's on his back. Rey ends the match with a rollup into a seated pinning position.
Winner: Rey Mysterio
That was a pretty good match. A bit more psychology than I'm used to seeing in a Jack Swagger match.
After the match, we go back to RAW to see Alberto Del Rio conk Edge in the noggin with a guitar and clamp on the cross armbreaker. Good job, Alberto!
In the back, Edge and Kelly Kelly are talking. Apparently, Kelly Kelly feels that no one respects her…hmmmm, I wonder why. Could it be because you stare at your orange juice in the morning because it says "concentrate," or because you were fired from an M&M factory for throwing out the Ws? If you're not getting this, I'm saying that Kelly Kelly is an idiot.
Oh boy, Jerry Lawler is main eventing a PPV. SMELL THE BUYRATES!
Next, we have Hornswoggle and Rosa Mendes (who's now the useless diva thanks to the Bellas and Eve Torres both being in angles now). They're out to throw t-shirts…fun.
They're interrupted (thank GOD) by Alberto Del Rio, who's coming out to celebrate his Royal Rumble win. Did I mention that I recapped the event, HERE? I'm happy to see a lot of pro-Del Rio signs in the audience. Smart crowd.
Alberto gives his spiel about how he's destined to win at Wrestlemania. He pulls a funny by forgetting the city he's in, much to the chagrin of the crowd. Then, Del Rio gives Hornswoggle a chance to take a whack at the piñata he has above the ring. Rosa smells a rat, but Hornswoggle can't be deterred. After letting Hornswoggle swing at the piñata and calling him a "thing," Del Rio gets hit in the leg with the stick. Del Rio retaliates by punting Hornswoggle in the head. Rosa, trooper that she is, runs away. Who comes out to make the save?!? Kofi Kingston! Kingston clotheslines Del Rio out of the ring and checks on Hornswoggle, which gives Del Rio a chance to jump him and whack him with the piñata stick a few times and then lock on the cross arm breaker.
Please stop reminding me about the main event…anyone who thinks that Ziggler's going to win this is an imbecile.
Steve Austin is hosting the new version of Tough Enough. Cue crickets.
The next match is another qualifier for Elimination Chamber.
Chavo Guerrero vs. Kane
Chavo gets the jobber entrance…who do you think is going to win?
Chavo actually gets in a move or two before "hitting" the frog splash. Kane no sells it and grabs Chavo by the throat. One chokeslam later and this match is over.
That match was pointless.
Speaking of pointless, we're treated to a trailer for HHH's new movie, The Chaperone. If they wanted to make this movie funny, they should've had the girl playing HHH's daughter wear a big prosthetic nose to match Hunter's. Look, Yeardley Smith!! Wow, it takes a lot to make Legendary look good.
The final qualifying match is next.
Big Show vs. Wade Barrett
Dean Malenko and Rey Mysterio, eat your hearts out!
Let's see…Big Show dominates until there's a ref bump about 45 seconds in. Ezekiel Jackson comes in and clotheslines Big Show, but that doesn't get it done. Barrett hits a DDT on Big Show and it's over.
Winner: Wade Barrett
What a crapfest.
After the match, Big Show attacks The Corre, only to have them overwhelm him so Jackson can slam him again. It's no less impressive the second time.
Now it's time for our "main event." That phrase is used EXTREMELY loosely.
Dolph Ziggler and LayCool (with Vickie Guerrero and no chance of winning) vs. Edge and Kelly Kelly
Before the bell rings, Vickie bans Edge from using the spear again, which will make Ziggler look like still a BIGGER loser when he doesn't win. Why push a guy into a main event role and then make him look completely impotent?!? I realize this happens all the time in movies, but movies typically don't have to worry about a character's future after they lose (for example, Ivan Drago in Rocky IV). After this feud, how can anyone see Dolph Ziggler as a threat to a belt again? Oh yeah, Vince thinks everyone who watches his product has ADD and amnesia.
Since I'm kinda' pissed about this whole affair, let me say that stuff happens (mostly involving the women), Michelle accidentally kicks Layla, and Kelly Kelly spears Layla to win the match. Oops, should've banned BOTH of them from using that move.
Winners: Kelly Kelly and Edge
Not only did Ziggler lose, he was literally the LAST priority in this entire match.
After the match, Vickie fires Kelly Kelly, who looks like she's really crying. I wonder if the company's really firing her. Seeing her cry makes me alllllmost care. Vickie screams a lot and makes ANOTHER rematch for Dolph Ziggler. She appoints herself guest referee, which will make Dolph's losing even worse than it has so far, which I thought was impossible. Ziggler's one of my favorite performers on the roster and I'm regretting this push…
Wellll, that brings another show to a close. Here are your award winners for the evening.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: Booker T joins the announce team! His debut was a little wonky, but look what he has to work with.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: Too much Vickie Guerrero. She was literally on screen more than any other three performers combined. They must be paying her a fortune.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).