Look who's back?
Yes, I originally intended to write last week's
recap live from the wonderful city of New York (it
really is a cool place), but the show was pre-empted
due to the worthy cause of the Hope for Haiti
telethon. Still, it would've been hilarious to see
Vince's reaction to notice of a pre-emption. "Hope
for Haiti? Damnit, there won't be any hope after I'm
through with them!". So, instead, we get regular
recap of this week's action. Fun, right? RIGHT?
Oh, and before I begin, did you
here about the WWE's plans to make a sitcom? No,
probably not, because the people who write about
news goings-on at this site have all vanished. So
let me be the first to tell you that the WWE has
plans to make a sitcom starring Santino Marella and
debut it on the website, then shop it around to
networks if it's popular. Yes. YES. YES!!! In
addition to Santino, the show will also star Beth
Phoenix as his girlfriend and Vladimir Kozlov as his
best friend. MAKE IT HAPPEN. NOW. Seriously, if this
idea was any more awesome, my head might explode a
But now, on to the show, which
begins with DX making their entrance as Tony Chimel
announces the tag team match is going to happen.
Wait, what? Now. O...kay then. So long as my
straightedgers walk out with the belts, I'm totally
cool with that. Unfortunately, this means DX also
gets mic time, but fortunately, before they can even
begin, Rey Mysterio interrupts. Rey makes a very
good point in stating that Shawn is completely
overlooking him by stating that winning the Rumble
will earn him a shot at The Undertaker at
WrestleMania. I would've gone nuts if Rey also said
Shawn's making booking plans painfully obvious as
well. Trips interjects with a lame short joke and
Rey stares down DX for a minute before the
Straightedge Society decides to crash the party,
complete with Natalie Portman from V for
Vendetta. I didn't know vegan was considered
straightedge. Alright, I know who she is. I read the
results of last weeks show on WWE.com. I'll stop
playing stupid now. Punk claims his Society will win
the titles tonight as Trips tries to shit all over
his gimmick by saying he doesn't get straightedge.
You don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. What's not to
get? Dumbass. Punk and HHH go back and forth for a
while before Teddy Long struts out. Teddy proceeds
to completely ruin the night for me by stating that
the tag title match is nixed in favor of Punk vs.
Triple H and Michaels vs. Mysterio. LAME. Punk vs.
Trips will take place after the break.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: It'd be
funny if he'd swith the 99.99 to 96.99. Or even
CM Punk W/ Luke Gallows and Serena (told you I knew
her name) vs. Triple H
Trips decides to start things
off with a headlock, then clotheslines Punk for 2
when he tries to escape. Trips goes back to the
headlock, but Punk fights out and gets in some knees
to the gut. Triple H punches free and tries to go
for the Pedigree, but Punk escapes and hits a
springboard clothesline as we go to the break.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I hate
karate. Despite my sparring skills, they never
promoted me past yellow belt.
We return to find Punk working
a headlock. A heel kick gets 2, but Trips manages to
come back with a suplex. Punk responds with a
roundhouse kick for 2. Punk tries to charge Triple H
in the corner, but Trips responds with a spinebuster
and a facebuster for 2. What's next, Dave and
Buster's (alright, that was lame)? A knee to the
face also gets 2. Trips goes for the Pedigree once
more, but Punk blocks it, only to have Trips slap on
a figure four leglock instead. Serena distracts the
ref while Punk is still in the hold, allowing Luke
Gallows to break it up. Punk sets up for the GTS,
but Trips counters it into a Pedigree attempt. This
one is broken up by Serena, drawing the DQ.
DISQUALIFICATION: Triple H. Gallows joins
in the beat-down until Shawn Michaels arrives to
take him out. DX turns their attention to Punk, but
he cowers behind Serena, allowing him to slip out of
the ring. Wait, so Trips and Shawn will kick midgets
and children, but they won't hit a woman?...Very
admirable, guys. It gets a thumbs up from me.
Apparently, tonight's tag title
match will be replaced by Morrison vs. McIntyre in a
No DQ match for the Intercontinental title. This
should be pretty darn good and I look forward to
seeing it. Jericho is walking to the ring as we go
to the break.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Big
Chris Jericho vs. R-Truth
Jericho begins the match with a
stiff kick to the gut, then works a headlock. Truth
escapes with an armdrag, follows it up with a
dropkick, and clotheslines Jericho out of the ring.
Truth goes for a bodypress, but Jericho runs out of
the way as we go to the break.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I was not
aware that cavemen could act. Let's hope they don't
get a TV show any time soon.
We return to find Jericho
delivering a number of knees to the mid-section.
Truth fights back with punches, but Jericho drops
him on the ropes for 2. A gutbuster also gets 2, as
Jericho transitions to an abdominal stretch. Truth
manages to get out and hit a clothesline, following
it up with a spinning kick for 2. Jericho tries to
come back with the Walls of Jericho, but Truth
counters into a roll-up for 2. Jericho bounces back
up and goes for a Codebreaker, but Truth holds on to
the ropes and gets in a jack-knife roll-up for the
R-Truth. Is there anyone Jericho won't lose to? I'm
starting to think Kung Fu Naki can pin him on an off
A brief recap of last week's
Mysterio-'Taker showdown, complete with a pointless
run-in from Batista. Speaking of which, Josh
Matthews is now in the back with...GOLFTISTA! He
putts alone!!! I mean, he's wearing a grey sweater
vest and one of those stupid golfer hats.
Thankfully, the camera does not go low enough to
reveal plaid shorts and cleats. I'm way too busy
laughing to hear anything that he's saying, but I
presume it goes something along the lines of "Blah
blah blah, I'm gonna win the Rumble". Hasn't Shawn
Michaels made it painfully obvious that you're not
going to win it? Boo obvious booking! Morrison is
making his way to the ring as we go to COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Water
tridents aren't very effective. Trust me, I know.
Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre vs.
John Morrison (No DQ Match)
Morrison starts off this no
rules, anything goes, go ahead and be as brutal as
you want fight by...kicking and punching. Alrighty
then. It's your strategy, dude. Morrison knocks
McIntyre to the outside, but McIntyre is smart
enough to realize there aren't any rules, grabs a
kendo stick, and whacks Morrison in the chest with
it for 2. Clotheslines ensue and they also get 2.
Morrison escapes long enough to go for a springboard
move, but McIntyre just kicks him in the abs for 2.
Morrison manages to come back with a flurry of blows
and McIntyre just decides to fuck it, grab the
title, and leave, but Morrison dives onto him and
rolls him back into the ring. McIntyre tries to hit
Morrison with the title, but misses, electing just
to kick Morrison in the face as we go to the break.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I could
care less about Jeff Gordon's ennunciation.
Back from the break, McIntyre
blocks the flying chuck kick by throwing Morrison
over the ropes. McIntyre grabs the steel steps and
throws them at Morrison, who is smart enough to
dodge. Morrison clotheslines McIntyre over the
barricade and the two brawl amidst the fans, as this
is now apparently a no countout match. Morrison
takes out McIntyre with a diving clothesline and
grabs the kendo stick, getting in a few good shots
before McIntyre rakes the eyes. McIntyre goes for a
running kendo stick shot, but Morrison hiptosses him
into the steel steps in a nice spot. Morrison rolls
McIntyre into the ring and goes for Starship Pain,
but McIntyre blocks it with his knees and double arm
DDTs Morrison onto the Intercontinental title belt
that was still in the ring to win it.
WINNER AND STILL
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION: Drew McIntyre.
Great, great match. Made me forget all about the
Straightedge Society getting screwed out of their
title shot. Damnit, now I remember again!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Please tell
me that the "It's about terrorists!" line is
supposed to mock the other guy and isn't just a
really whiny sounding line.
OK, who decided to give
Michelle McBitch a mic? Of course, she starts things
off by saying she sent Mickie James home for good
and replays last week's attack, which I thankfully
was spared of. What was that cake made of? It didn't
stick to Mickie very well. It just kind of exploded
and fell all over the place. Cake Fail? Michelle
says that as a fighting champion, she'll defend her
title against any Diva in the back who wants to
challenge her. While I'm busy praying for Beth
Phoenix, Mickie James's music hits and we
get...Layla in a fat suit dressed as Mickie James.
KILL. ME. NOW. There's a ref in the ring, but no. I
refuse to acknowledge Michelle McBitch wrestling
Layla in a fat suit dressed as Mickie James with a
pig snout on her nose as a match. My God, they're
not even wrestling! Michelle is just holding a
doughnut while Layla chases after it. This is
painful. I can feel a small part of my soul dying. I
never thought I'd be happy to see a commercial
break, but thank God one is here.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I could
insult you, Mel Gibson, but you're the first thing I
see that isn't wearing a fat suit, so I won't.
That cool little Royal Rumble
fact video airs. That's why I love the Rumble. So
much history, so much to analyze, and it's great to
see everybody fighting each other, which almost
never happens. Oh, and the comedy eliminations. Love
Bushwhacker Luke getting dumped walking across the
ring, love The Warlord getting clotheslined over,
love Santino yelling "I wasn't ready!". Funny stuff.
Backstage, Shawn Michaels runs
into Stewart Pain, who warns him to stay out of his
way at the Rumble. Who knew golfers were such
aggressive people? Triple H arrives and scares off
Batista, who presumably leaves to find his golf cart
in the parking garage.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Anthony
Hopkins is the only thing I like about the
Wolfman remake. A good actor definitely worthy
of filling Claude Rains's shoes.
Rey Mysterio vs. Shawn Michaels
Shawn starts off the match the
same way HHH did: with a headlock. Shawn then
decides to chop away at Rey's chest. Shawn throws
Rey from the ring, but Rey runs back in and sets up
a 619, only to watch Shawn duck out of the ring and
come back choppin'. Rey sets up for another 619, but
Shawn just stands up, so Rey kicks him out of the
ring as we go to COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Who's that
fourth guy who drinks on the Blue Collar Comedy
We return to find Rey working
over Shawn's leg. Shawn comes back with a swinging
neckbreaker, but Rey responds with a drop toehold
into the turnbuckle. Rey heads up top, but Shawn
takes out his leg and sends him crashing to the mat.
Shawn works a leglock, but Rey manages to make it to
the ropes, then hit an enziguri. The two exchange
punches, with Shawn flooring Rey and hitting the
flying forearm. Rey comes back with a hurricanrana
and a seated senton for 2. Shawn tries to come back
with an armdrag, but Rey ducks and hits a reverse
DDT. Shawn blocks a springboard spash attempt and
hits the elbow drop for 2. Rey sets up another 619
and this one connects, but Shawn rips off his spot
with Shelton back in 2005 and superkicks Rey as he
comes off the springboard attempt. Suddenly, Batista
arrives sans golf outfit to attack Shawn.
DISQUALIFICATION: Shawn Michaels, but
WWE.com will probably list this as a lame "No
Contest" finish because Batista is now attacking
Rey. Triple H chases off Batista as the lights go
out and the gong sounds. The Undertaker is there and
he chokeslams both Rey and Shawn to end the show.
OK, that's it for this week. I,
for one, am still looking foreward to the Rumble,
despite Shawn and UT trying to make not only the
World Heavyweight Championship match, but the Royal
Rumble itself painfully obvious. UGH. Let's hope for