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LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
(01/29/10)
BY SHANE STEELE
Look who's back? Yes, I originally intended to write last week's recap live from the wonderful city of New York (it really is a cool place), but the show was pre-empted due to the worthy cause of the Hope for Haiti telethon. Still, it would've been hilarious to see Vince's reaction to notice of a pre-emption. "Hope for Haiti? Damnit, there won't be any hope after I'm through with them!". So, instead, we get regular recap of this week's action. Fun, right? RIGHT?
 
Oh, and before I begin, did you here about the WWE's plans to make a sitcom? No, probably not, because the people who write about news goings-on at this site have all vanished. So let me be the first to tell you that the WWE has plans to make a sitcom starring Santino Marella and debut it on the website, then shop it around to networks if it's popular. Yes. YES. YES!!! In addition to Santino, the show will also star Beth Phoenix as his girlfriend and Vladimir Kozlov as his best friend. MAKE IT HAPPEN. NOW. Seriously, if this idea was any more awesome, my head might explode a la Scanners.
 
But now, on to the show, which begins with DX making their entrance as Tony Chimel announces the tag team match is going to happen. Wait, what? Now. O...kay then. So long as my straightedgers walk out with the belts, I'm totally cool with that. Unfortunately, this means DX also gets mic time, but fortunately, before they can even begin, Rey Mysterio interrupts. Rey makes a very good point in stating that Shawn is completely overlooking him by stating that winning the Rumble will earn him a shot at The Undertaker at WrestleMania. I would've gone nuts if Rey also said Shawn's making booking plans painfully obvious as well. Trips interjects with a lame short joke and Rey stares down DX for a minute before the Straightedge Society decides to crash the party, complete with Natalie Portman from V for Vendetta. I didn't know vegan was considered straightedge. Alright, I know who she is. I read the results of last weeks show on WWE.com. I'll stop playing stupid now. Punk claims his Society will win the titles tonight as Trips tries to shit all over his gimmick by saying he doesn't get straightedge. You don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. What's not to get? Dumbass. Punk and HHH go back and forth for a while before Teddy Long struts out. Teddy proceeds to completely ruin the night for me by stating that the tag title match is nixed in favor of Punk vs. Triple H and Michaels vs. Mysterio. LAME. Punk vs. Trips will take place after the break.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: It'd be funny if he'd swith the 99.99 to 96.99. Or even better: 99.96.
 
CM Punk W/ Luke Gallows and Serena (told you I knew her name) vs. Triple H
 
Trips decides to start things off with a headlock, then clotheslines Punk for 2 when he tries to escape. Trips goes back to the headlock, but Punk fights out and gets in some knees to the gut. Triple H punches free and tries to go for the Pedigree, but Punk escapes and hits a springboard clothesline as we go to the break.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I hate karate. Despite my sparring skills, they never promoted me past yellow belt.
 
We return to find Punk working a headlock. A heel kick gets 2, but Trips manages to come back with a suplex. Punk responds with a roundhouse kick for 2. Punk tries to charge Triple H in the corner, but Trips responds with a spinebuster and a facebuster for 2. What's next, Dave and Buster's (alright, that was lame)? A knee to the face also gets 2. Trips goes for the Pedigree once more, but Punk blocks it, only to have Trips slap on a figure four leglock instead. Serena distracts the ref while Punk is still in the hold, allowing Luke Gallows to break it up. Punk sets up for the GTS, but Trips counters it into a Pedigree attempt. This one is broken up by Serena, drawing the DQ.
 
WINNER BY DISQUALIFICATION: Triple H. Gallows joins in the beat-down until Shawn Michaels arrives to take him out. DX turns their attention to Punk, but he cowers behind Serena, allowing him to slip out of the ring. Wait, so Trips and Shawn will kick midgets and children, but they won't hit a woman?...Very admirable, guys. It gets a thumbs up from me.
 
Apparently, tonight's tag title match will be replaced by Morrison vs. McIntyre in a No DQ match for the Intercontinental title. This should be pretty darn good and I look forward to seeing it. Jericho is walking to the ring as we go to the break.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Big plans=sex.
 
Chris Jericho vs. R-Truth
 
Jericho begins the match with a stiff kick to the gut, then works a headlock. Truth escapes with an armdrag, follows it up with a dropkick, and clotheslines Jericho out of the ring. Truth goes for a bodypress, but Jericho runs out of the way as we go to the break.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I was not aware that cavemen could act. Let's hope they don't get a TV show any time soon.
 
We return to find Jericho delivering a number of knees to the mid-section. Truth fights back with punches, but Jericho drops him on the ropes for 2. A gutbuster also gets 2, as Jericho transitions to an abdominal stretch. Truth manages to get out and hit a clothesline, following it up with a spinning kick for 2. Jericho tries to come back with the Walls of Jericho, but Truth counters into a roll-up for 2. Jericho bounces back up and goes for a Codebreaker, but Truth holds on to the ropes and gets in a jack-knife roll-up for the win.
 
WINNER: R-Truth. Is there anyone Jericho won't lose to? I'm starting to think Kung Fu Naki can pin him on an off night.
 
A brief recap of last week's Mysterio-'Taker showdown, complete with a pointless run-in from Batista. Speaking of which, Josh Matthews is now in the back with...GOLFTISTA! He putts alone!!! I mean, he's wearing a grey sweater vest and one of those stupid golfer hats. Thankfully, the camera does not go low enough to reveal plaid shorts and cleats. I'm way too busy laughing to hear anything that he's saying, but I presume it goes something along the lines of "Blah blah blah, I'm gonna win the Rumble". Hasn't Shawn Michaels made it painfully obvious that you're not going to win it? Boo obvious booking! Morrison is making his way to the ring as we go to COMMERCIALS!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Water tridents aren't very effective. Trust me, I know.
 
Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre vs. John Morrison (No DQ Match)
 
Morrison starts off this no rules, anything goes, go ahead and be as brutal as you want fight by...kicking and punching. Alrighty then. It's your strategy, dude. Morrison knocks McIntyre to the outside, but McIntyre is smart enough to realize there aren't any rules, grabs a kendo stick, and whacks Morrison in the chest with it for 2. Clotheslines ensue and they also get 2. Morrison escapes long enough to go for a springboard move, but McIntyre just kicks him in the abs for 2. Morrison manages to come back with a flurry of blows and McIntyre just decides to fuck it, grab the title, and leave, but Morrison dives onto him and rolls him back into the ring. McIntyre tries to hit Morrison with the title, but misses, electing just to kick Morrison in the face as we go to the break.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I could care less about Jeff Gordon's ennunciation.
 
Back from the break, McIntyre blocks the flying chuck kick by throwing Morrison over the ropes. McIntyre grabs the steel steps and throws them at Morrison, who is smart enough to dodge. Morrison clotheslines McIntyre over the barricade and the two brawl amidst the fans, as this is now apparently a no countout match. Morrison takes out McIntyre with a diving clothesline and grabs the kendo stick, getting in a few good shots before McIntyre rakes the eyes. McIntyre goes for a running kendo stick shot, but Morrison hiptosses him into the steel steps in a nice spot. Morrison rolls McIntyre into the ring and goes for Starship Pain, but McIntyre blocks it with his knees and double arm DDTs Morrison onto the Intercontinental title belt that was still in the ring to win it.
 
WINNER AND STILL INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION: Drew McIntyre. Great, great match. Made me forget all about the Straightedge Society getting screwed out of their title shot. Damnit, now I remember again!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Please tell me that the "It's about terrorists!" line is supposed to mock the other guy and isn't just a really whiny sounding line.
 
OK, who decided to give Michelle McBitch a mic? Of course, she starts things off by saying she sent Mickie James home for good and replays last week's attack, which I thankfully was spared of. What was that cake made of? It didn't stick to Mickie very well. It just kind of exploded and fell all over the place. Cake Fail? Michelle says that as a fighting champion, she'll defend her title against any Diva in the back who wants to challenge her. While I'm busy praying for Beth Phoenix, Mickie James's music hits and we get...Layla in a fat suit dressed as Mickie James. KILL. ME. NOW. There's a ref in the ring, but no. I refuse to acknowledge Michelle McBitch wrestling Layla in a fat suit dressed as Mickie James with a pig snout on her nose as a match. My God, they're not even wrestling! Michelle is just holding a doughnut while Layla chases after it. This is painful. I can feel a small part of my soul dying. I never thought I'd be happy to see a commercial break, but thank God one is here.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I could insult you, Mel Gibson, but you're the first thing I see that isn't wearing a fat suit, so I won't.
 
That cool little Royal Rumble fact video airs. That's why I love the Rumble. So much history, so much to analyze, and it's great to see everybody fighting each other, which almost never happens. Oh, and the comedy eliminations. Love Bushwhacker Luke getting dumped walking across the ring, love The Warlord getting clotheslined over, love Santino yelling "I wasn't ready!". Funny stuff.
 
Backstage, Shawn Michaels runs into Stewart Pain, who warns him to stay out of his way at the Rumble. Who knew golfers were such aggressive people? Triple H arrives and scares off Batista, who presumably leaves to find his golf cart in the parking garage.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Anthony Hopkins is the only thing I like about the Wolfman remake. A good actor definitely worthy of filling Claude Rains's shoes.
 
Rey Mysterio vs. Shawn Michaels
 
Shawn starts off the match the same way HHH did: with a headlock. Shawn then decides to chop away at Rey's chest. Shawn throws Rey from the ring, but Rey runs back in and sets up a 619, only to watch Shawn duck out of the ring and come back choppin'. Rey sets up for another 619, but Shawn just stands up, so Rey kicks him out of the ring as we go to COMMERCIALS!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Who's that fourth guy who drinks on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour?
 
We return to find Rey working over Shawn's leg. Shawn comes back with a swinging neckbreaker, but Rey responds with a drop toehold into the turnbuckle. Rey heads up top, but Shawn takes out his leg and sends him crashing to the mat. Shawn works a leglock, but Rey manages to make it to the ropes, then hit an enziguri. The two exchange punches, with Shawn flooring Rey and hitting the flying forearm. Rey comes back with a hurricanrana and a seated senton for 2. Shawn tries to come back with an armdrag, but Rey ducks and hits a reverse DDT. Shawn blocks a springboard spash attempt and hits the elbow drop for 2. Rey sets up another 619 and this one connects, but Shawn rips off his spot with Shelton back in 2005 and superkicks Rey as he comes off the springboard attempt. Suddenly, Batista arrives sans golf outfit to attack Shawn.
 
WINNER BY DISQUALIFICATION: Shawn Michaels, but WWE.com will probably list this as a lame "No Contest" finish because Batista is now attacking Rey. Triple H chases off Batista as the lights go out and the gong sounds. The Undertaker is there and he chokeslams both Rey and Shawn to end the show.
 
OK, that's it for this week. I, for one, am still looking foreward to the Rumble, despite Shawn and UT trying to make not only the World Heavyweight Championship match, but the Royal Rumble itself painfully obvious. UGH. Let's hope for the best.
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).