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WWE SmackDown Recap for January 28, 2011

Hello again, folks.  After another minor hiatus, I’m back, and I’m really looking forward to this show.  While I realize this seems sarcastic, I really am looking forward to watching.  Why?  Because this is the show leading up to the Royal Rumble, which is my favorite pay-per-view of the year.  My buddies come over and we make a big game out of it.  In lieu of my usually pre-recap shenanigans, I’m going to share our game with you. 

First, invite some folks over.  If you don’t have any friends, this game is over pretty quick.  Since this year’s Royal Rumble has 40 guys, try to have four, five, eight, or 10 people.  Next, write the numbers 1 through 40 on slips of paper and put them in a bag.  Have everyone pick an equal number of papers.  Each person should write his or her numbers down.  Doing it randomly (instead of having people pick positions or wrestlers) makes it more fun for people who don’t watch every week.  Now, while the match is going on, your numbers represent your participants in the match.  They earn points for completing certain tasks.  For example, the following table represents my scoring system.

Award

Description

Points

The Tosser Award

Throwing someone over the ropes (or helping throw someone over).

+2

The Warlord Award

Hey, that rhymes!  It’s for not lasting until the next guy comes out (or not getting in the ring at all).

-3

The At Least It’s Not Drew Carrey Award

For picking a guy not listed on the WWE’s Web site at the time of the PPV.

+2

The Hey, It IS Drew Carrey! Award

If by some miracle, Drew Carrey appears in another Royal Rumble and you have him.

-5

The No, This Isn’t NCAA Basketball Award

For picking someone that lasts until the final four.

+2

The Here Is Your Winner Award

For picking the guy that wins the Royal Rumble.

+5

The I Hate John Cena Award

You know you’re going to get these points back, and I hate John Cena, hence this award.

-2

The I Like Alberto Del Rio Award

Come on; the guy is funny!

+2

The Noooo, The WWE Isn’t Racist Award

Free point, just for picking a black guy, because you know damn well WWE won’t let him win.

+1

The This One’s For The Ladies Award

More free points, just for picking a woman (if one even enters).  This one’s worth more because it’s such a rarity.

+2

The Alliteration Rules! Award

Even more free points for picking a guy with a first and last name that start with the same letter.  If you get Kofi Kingston, that’s two points!

+1

 

After the match, total up the points.  The person with the most points wins!  It definitely makes the main event fun for everyone, even non-wrestling fans…especially if money is on the line.

Before the show, we’re treated to a summary of last week’s SmackDown.  Someone knocked Teddy Long unconscious, leaving Vickie in control.  I never thought I’d miss Teddy Long.  Also, Wade Barrett’s new group got a name: The Corre…yeah, I can’t even think of something clever to say.  I’m not a huge fan of there being two Nexuses, but the WWE doesn’t really give a rat’s ass about me, sooooo, WELCOME THE CORRE!

The show starts pretty much the worst way possible, with Vickie Guerrero screaming and the crowd shitting all over it.  Things get even worse when Randy Orton interrupts.  Apparently, he’s going to be destroying Dolph Ziggler’s credibility even more this evening.  Essentially, Randy mocks Vickie until Dolph comes out demanding respect.  That earns him an RKO.  Wow, that was surprising.

Oh, the match that Dolph Ziggler is going to inevitably going to lose is a tag match pitting Ziggler and The Miz against Orton and Edge.

It’s official; with the release of another Big Momma’s House sequel, Hollywood has run out of creative ideas.

Finger Eleven did the theme for Royal Rumble?  Mommy, what does “Finger Eleven” mean?

Oops, my eleventh finger just went south, as the first match of the night involves LayCool.

LayCool vs. Kelly Kelly and Kaitlyn

Well, things are looking up if Kaitlyn is involved! 

Anyway, the face divas attack LayCool from behind to start things off quickly.  In the ring, Kaitlyn dominates early, but runs into one of Michelle’s pointy elbows.  That doesn’t stop her for long, as she continues to stay in control until Layla interferes.  She distracts Kaitlyn long enough for Michelle to boot her in the face and get the win.  Way to earn that paycheck, Kelly Kelly.

Winners: LayCool

Rating:      

The single Tony is for Kaitlyn…nothing else was even worth mentioning.

Well, things aren’t looking any better, as our next match is…

Drew McIntyre vs. JTG

Look, Kelly Kelly is forced to stay at ringside because she was absolutely useless in the previous match.

Since Kelly Kelly is at ringside, Drew tries to start things off in a sportsmanlike fashion, but JTG is straight from the hood, yo’, so he’s havin’ nonna’ dat.  JTG lets fly with a series of punches and then dropkicks McIntyre out of the ring.  McIntyre, however, pulls JTG out of the ring and levels him with a clothesline.  After ramming JTG’s head to the steps, McIntyre rolls JTG back in and hits a trio of neckbreakers.  After a failed pin attempt, Drew lays the boots to JTG in the corner.  JTG tries to fight back, but McIntyre continues the beatdown.  Drew ends the beating with three clotheslines and a picture perfect dropkick.  Drew tries for another pin attempt, but only gets one, so he applies a chicken wing chinlock.  JTG gets up and almost wins it with a crucifix pin attempt, but McIntyre regains control with a leaping clothesline.  Again, JTG fights back, but McIntyre takes him down by the hair and reapplies the hold he had on before.  JTG makes his way up and fights back, getting a couple of quick pin attempt.  In a cool spot, JTG tries for a back slide and Drew McIntyre rolls through to hit the Future Shock DDT for the win.

Winner:  Drew McIntyre

Rating: 

After the match, Kelly Kelly gets in the ring, but Drew McIntyre doesn’t even notice.  Wow, that’s two matches that Kelly Kelly did nothing in the ring.

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid?  At least it’s more clever than Big Momma’s House 3.

We return to the show and learn that Cody Rhodes is deformed now.  It would be funny if he had that thing on his face that Jillian Hall used to have before the Boogeyman ate it.  Because of his “grotesque deformity,” Cody Rhodes can’t participate in the Royal Rumble.  This whole segment is horrible.  And because the WWE continues to pay Kelly Kelly to do nothing, they can’t even afford to use makeup or something to give Cody Rhodes this horrible injury.  He stays turned around and says stuff that I could care less about.

Next, an interview with Edge…aaaaaand, fast forward.

When I push play again, Alberto Del Rio is in the back shaking hands with one of the Nexus guys who I can’t remember…I think it was Michael Tarver.  Anyway, Alberto Del Rio is in action NEXT!

Alberto Del Rio vs. 39 Other Guys?

The first guy out is Seth Allen…essentially, some random bald guy.  He goes out pretty quickly.  The next guy out is Mike Stevens.  He looks like a child molester.  He gets tossed, too.  The third guy is…ahhhh, crap.  It’s Kane.  I would’ve rather have seen more local enhancement talent.  Kane goes to town on Del Rio.  If the WWE was smart, he would eliminate Kane.  Things go back and forth until Kofi Kinston comes out.  He dumps both guys.  Well, at least Kane didn’t win.

The two heels try to sneak attack Kingston, and Rey Mysterio’s music cues up.  The four men square off and all of a sudden my eardrums pop…oh, it’s Vickie.  She’s out to make a match!

Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston vs. Kane and Alberto Del Rio

This match will happen…right after the commercials.

Things start off with Kane and Kofi Kingston.  Amazing, Kane starts off in control.  Kofi ducks a boot and hits a low dropkick to Kane’s knee.  Kane recovers and backs Kingston to the corner and tags to Del Rio.  Del Rio gets in a move or two until Kingston hits a leaping back elbow and tags to Mysterio.

Mysterio enters and takes control after a double team drop-toehold-elbow-drop.  Rey hits a leg drop and some shoulderblocks in the corner, but Del Rio moves out of the way of a corner charge and tags to Kane.  Kane enters and hits a pair of knees.  Rey, however, uses his speed to put Kane in position for a 619.  Kane escapes and Del Rio comes over to chastise him.  This gives the faces an opportunity to hit a pair of baseball slide dropkicks.  Kingston follows with a diving shoulderblock through the ropes on Del Rio.  Rey tops things off with a seated senton on Kane.  Ricardo Rodriguez uses Del Rio’s scarf to wake his fallen master.  This apparently works, because as Kingston climbs to the top rope to leap onto Kane, Del Rio springs up and shoves him off.  Kane lays the boots to a fallen Kingston, and then he clotheslines him in the corner and tags to Del Rio.  Del Rio hits a corner clothesline and a by-the-hair bulldog.  Del Rio tags back to Kane, and he slams Kingston and follows with a leg drop.  Kane follows these two moves with a chinlock.  Kingston fights to his feet, but falls prey to a side slam.  Kane tags to Del Rio and continues to work over Kingston’s back.  Del Rio lands a suplex and tags to Kane.  The heels work over Kingston in the corner until he fights over and tags to Mysterio.  Mysterio takes out both opponents and gets a two count on a pin attempt on Kane.  Kane finally stops Rey’s momentum when Mysterio goes for a springboard something-or-another and Kane kicks him off the ropes.

This match is so epic that we need A SECOND COMMERCIAL BREAK!!

Upon our return, we’re treated to Del Rio working over Mysterio.  Del Rio clamps on a chinlock that looks 30 times better than Randy Orton’s version.  Rey gets up and clubs away at Del Rio’s midsection.  Rey rolls through a sunset flip and punts Del Rio right in the head.  Both men struggle to get up, but Del Rio makes it up first.  He lands a gutbuster and tags to Kane.  Kane does what Kane does, ultimately catching Rey in the position for a powerslam.  Rey, however, spins it into a tornado DDT.  Both men make a tag, and Kingston gets the best of things with a hiiiiiiiiiigh cross body and some double chops.  Kingston goes to knock Kane off the apron, which allows Del Rio to recover enough to manage a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker.  After getting a two count on a pin, Del Rio tries to tag to Kane, but Kane is still hurt on the floor.  Kingston gets up and hits a charging Del Rio with the upside down kick in the corner.  He follows with another high crossbody, but Kane makes the save on the pin attempt.  Del Rio takes umbrage with Kane’s inability to recover from harm, so Kane boots Del Rio in the face and takes a walk.  Quitter.  Two really cool double team moves later (the second of which is a 619 into a Trouble in Paradise), and Del Rio is done.

Winners:  Kofi Kingston and Rey Mysterio

Rating: 

That match was really good.  It wasn’t anything spectacular, but did everything it was supposed to do, I think.  Decent performances from all four guys.

Well, that last match was so good that we need something to slow down the pace.  We get…The Big Show, with Rick Steiner’s jacket.  Good guy Big Show looks mildly retarded.  They need to bring back Eugene and team him up with Big Show.  They could be called Show and Slow.

Show talks about the disadvantage of being the size of a minivan.  He shows tape of The Corre attacking him, including Ezekiel Jackson’s unbelievable body slam.  As Big Show is talking, The Corre’s music sounds and the four guys make their way down to ringside.  Wow, those shirts are HORRIBLE.  Is the “O” a flower?  The four heels surround the ring and Big Show takes turns mocking them.  I guess this is a match.

Big Show vs. Heath Slater?

Slater sneak attacks Big Show and is awarded with a beating for his efforts.  Slater actually manages a few shots to Big Show’s knee before Show continues to utterly destroy him.  Show chokelslams Slater and that’s all she wrote.

Winner:  The Big Show

Rating: 

After the match, Big Show fights off The Corre until Jackson levels him with a clothesline.  The Corre goes to work, but the locker room clears out to stop them.  Let’s see, there’s R-Truth, Chris Masters, Santino (?!?), Kozlov, Daniel Bryan…it’s a mini-Royal Rumble!  Eventually, enough B-level faces enter the ring to clean out The Corre.  That was fun!

Before our main event, we’re treated to the “Royal Rumble by the numbers” segment they play every year.  It’s fun to watch the segment just to catch the likes of Simon Dean, Outlaw Ron Bass, King Mabel, A-Train, “The Lethal Weapon” Steve Blackman, Al Snow, Perry Saturn, (The) Tazz, and The Honky Tonk Man.

The Miz and Dolph Ziggler (each with annoying sidekick) vs. Randy Orton and Edge

Before the match, The Miz talks for what seems like an hour while Michael Cole creams his Dockers. 

After the heels are introduced, we need a commercial break…which will give Cole enough time to clean up his crotch area.

Orton starts things off with Ziggler.  After a tieup, Ziggler backs Orton to the corner and gets some cheap shots in after the referee tries to break them up.  Since this is Orton we’re talking about, he no-sells the shots and takes over on Ziggler.  The Miz interferes and Orton chases him around the ring.  Miz slides into the ring, where Ziggler is ready with an ambush.  He kicks him and then lays in the punches.  Again, Orton no-sells and lands his very homoerotic Thesz press.  Orton is sick of being unbeatable, so he tags in to the slightly more beatable Edge.  Edge works over Ziggler for a little bit before he puts his head down.  Ziggler slams Edge to the canvas and tags out to The Miz.

Miz enters and immediately chokes Edge over the middle rope.  He applies a chinlock, but Edge escapes and lands a boot to the face.  Edge tags to Orton, who lands three clotheslines and a powerslam while wiggling his shoulders like The Boogeyman.  Orton signals for the RKO and...we go to commercials?  What the hell!?!?  Really?!?

After what I’m hoping is the last set of commercials, we return to Ziggler kicking the crap out of Orton.  Ziggler tags to The Miz, who gets a .0092 count on Orton and then reapplies a chinlock.  Orton obviously escapes, but Miz puts him back down with a running knee to the midsection.  For the third time, Miz applies a chinlock…this match is oozing boring.  After about two hours of chinlock, Orton gets to his feet.  It goes last long, as Miz does the first interesting thing of the match when he hits his backbreaker/neckbreaker combo.  He tries to follow it up with a corner charge, but Orton has had enough of this “selling” nonsense and hits a clothesline.  Both men are down, but they both make a tag at the same time.  Edge takes care of both heels and sets up Ziggler for a spear.  Riley interferes, but that doesn’t matter.  Everything breaks down from here.  The end comes when Edge grabs the ropes to prevent the Zig Zag and hits the spear for the win.

Winners:  Randy Orton and Edge (Surprise!)

Rating: 

Eh, that match at least got okay at the end.

After the match, Vickie Guerrero bans the spear at the Royal Rumble, which is going to make it look even worse when Dolph Ziggler inevitably loses.

After the announcement, Edge decides to essentially bury Ziggler, as he hits three spears on him while Vickie stands around screaming like an obnoxious idiot.  Maybe you should’ve banned the spear starting immediately, you moron.

That’s it for another week of SmackDown.  I’m going to hand out some awards and get the heck outta’ here.

The Really Great Thing of the Night Award:  There was some good buildup to the Royal Rumble, but the award goes to the Del Rio/Kane vs. Kingston/Mysterio match.

The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night Award:  The continued employment of Kelly Kelly, Michael Cole, and Vickie Guerrero.

That’s it for me, folks.  I hope you have a “great” week.  Let’s all hope the Royal Rumble is at least watchable!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).