Hey hey, folks! The bad news
is, I missed watching Smackdown on TV Friday night
due to having to tech a show in Dunedin. The good
news is, this rant is now brought to you COMMERCIAL
FREE via the greatness of YouTube! See? Caps makes
everying better! Tonight, we will see the umpteenth
epic battle between Rey Mysterio and Batista, this
time in the dreaded steel cage. And unfortunately,
we'll also hear from The Undertaker. To prevent
myself from falling asleep, I've replaced all my
pillows with air horns.
Thankfully, Chris Jericho
decides to kick off the show, making his way to the
ring with a big ol' bruise on his face courtesy of
one Mike Tyson. They replay Jericho getting sucker
punched Monday night and I've got to admit, I
thought Tyson totally whiffed the first time I saw
it. The bruise proves otherwise. Jericho claims that
he's not beaten yet and vows revenge on DX,
declaring himself the baddest man on the planet in
the process. The baddest man on the planet? Not so
much. The baddest man of 1,004 holds? Definitely.
There's a long awkward silence after this, as if
something was supposed to happen, but didn't.
Jericho finally states that he'll go on to win the
Royal Rumble and become World Heavyweight Champion
once more. John Morrison's music hits and sweet
Jesus, we have a match.
John Morrison vs. Chris Jericho
Morrison slaps Jericho right in
the bruise, then clotheslines him out of the ring.
Morrison heads to the top rope, but suddenly, Drew
McIntyre heads for the ring as we go to the
We return to find Morrison
hitting clotheslines on Jericho as McIntyre watches
intently from the outside. Morrison hits a nice
backbreaker-legsweep combo for 2 and looks to hit a
Chuck kick, but Jericho dumps him out of the ring,
then rolls him back in and hits a springboard splash
for 2. Jericho applies a headlock, but Morrison
escapes and hits a dropkick and a running knee to
the face for 2. Jericho responds by kicking Morrison
in the chest and hitting a bulldog. Morrison dodges
a Lionsault and hits the Chuck kick for 2. Morrison
sets up for Starship Pain, but Jericho gets out of
the way, only to have Morrison roll him up for 2.
Jericho blocks a charge and slaps on the Walls of
Jericho, as McIntyre moves to the ropes to watch.
Morrison eventually crawls to the ropes and stares
down McIntyre, only to turn around into the
Jericho. McIntyre holds his title over the fallen
Morrison, then steps on his face as he leaves. CM
Punk saves another member of the WWE Universe next.
Hopefully, this time sans a Luke Gallows Massage.
Punk and Gallows make their way
to the ring, as someone holds up the same "CM Skunk"
sign I saw last week. Does Punk have a stalker? We
get a nice little replay of last week's
shaving/uncomfortable touching session, as Punk says
the WWE universe (God, I hate writing that) can
become just like Luke. A molester? I think I'll
pass. Gallows then gets the mic and in a
surprisingly cool voice, says that it's hard to
change, but being straightedge does that to people.
Punk promises to win the Royal Rumble and accomplish
something for the Straightedge Society, which I
proudly consider myself a part of. Punk picks an
Orlando Jordan lookalike out of the crowd and
Gallows brings him to the ring. This fellow is named
Trevor. And as soon as he sits down, Gallows begins
to rub his shoulder. CREEPER! Punk tries to get the
crowd to stop cheering for alcohol, which they
continue to do anyway. Who knew addictive substances
were so popular? Trevor accepts straightedge into
his life and has his mighty afro shaved, revealing
some pretty nasty bumps on his head. Had he known
those were there, he might've stayed an alcoholic.
Punk and Gallows raise Trevor's hand in salvation
until The Great Khali's music hits as Khali, Ranjin
Singh, and..Matt Hardy (?) head to the ring. It's
guys from India and a guy who likes Indian food!
Apparently, a fatal four way tag team match with the
winners recieving a shot at the Unified Tag Team
titles is next.
CM Punk and Luke Gallows vs. The Great Khali and
Matt Hardy W/ Ranjin Singh vs. The Hart Dynasty vs.
Matt Hardy and David Hart Smith
start thing off, with Smith punching away at Matt.
Hardy escapes a powerslam attempt and tags to Khali,
who sets Matt up for the top rope elbow drop and
then clotheslines Smith out of the ring. Khali and
Hardy corner the poor Harts as we head to the absent
We return to find Gallows and
Khali squaring off, with Khali nailing Gallows with
a brain chop. However, JTG tags in and covers for 2.
Gallows rams JTG into the corner and tags to Punk,
who is quickly taken down by JTG. Mug Shot gets 2 as
the Harts break it up and all hell breaks loose as
everyone proceeds to take out each other. Finally,
it's just Punk and JTG in the ring. Gallows blind
tags Punk as JTG hits the Shout-Out, but Gallows
kicks him in the back of the head and hits the
Gallows Pole/12th Step/Can We Decide on This Move's
Name Already? to win.
Punk and Luke Gallows, who will hopefully be taking
it to DX sometime in the near future.
We cut to Josh Matthews, who is
trying to get an interview with Batista. Why would
anyone want to talk to Batista? Batista opens the
door, refuses to answer any of Josh's questions, and
threatens to destroy the little guy if he knocks
again. While Batista will not be boring us to sleep,
The Undertaker will be happy to do so next.
Here comes 'Taker, blah blah
powers of darkness, blah blah I'll beat whoever wins
the match tonight, blah blah I'll see you Monday
night, Shawn Michaels. Yup, that's it. Trust me, be
happy I kept it brief.
Beth Phoenix vs. Mickie James
Beth and Mickie exchange blows,
with Beth eventually getting the upper hand. Beth
runs Mickie into the corner and pays tribute to
Umaga with a running ass attack to the face. Beth
slams Mickie to the mat for 2, then applies a
headlock. Mickie punches out, but eats backbreaker
for 2. Mickie tries to come back with kicks, but
Beth drives Mickie into the corner and won't back
off to draw the DQ.
DISQUALIFICATION: Beth Phoenix. After the
match, Team Lay-Cool (Layla and McCool put together.
Clever, right?) head for the ring as Beth leaves.
They proceed to destroy Mickie, with Michelle
hitting a Faith Breaker to end it.
Kane makes his way to the ring
as Josh Matthews interviews Dolph Ziggler in the
back. Ziggler says he'll beat Kane and go on to win
the Royal Rumble. God, I'm sick of people with no
chance of winning it saying that. Can't anyone ever
just say "I'll last for at least 20 minutes before
being eliminated by some big dude who will later be
eliminated by The Undertaker"?
Kane vs. Dolph Ziggler
Kane slams Ziggler into the
corner and knocks Ziggler around for a bit before
hitting a low dropkick for 2. A scoop slam is
followed by several elbow drops until Ziggler
manages to block a corner charge. Ziggler goes for
the sleeper hold, but Kane dumps him out of the ring
as we go to the not-break.
We return to find Ziggler
working a headlock, then hitting a neck snap for 1.
A dropkick gets 1 as well, followed by more
headlocky goodness. Ziggler goes for some corner
punches, but Kane throws him off and hits a big
boot. Corner clotheslines are followed by a
powerslam for 2. Kane heads up top, but Ziggler
meets him up there and tries to go for a superplex.
Kane pushes him away and Ziggler rolls to the
outside. Kane tosses Ziggler back in the ring, but
when he tries to get back in the ring, Ziggler
dropkicks him off the apron. Ziggler applies the
sleeper hold, but Kane rams him into the steel post
and rolls him back in the ring. Ziggler manages to
dodge the Clothesline of Good Intentions and hit a
Fameasser for 2. Ziggler goes for the Zig Zag, but
Kane blocks it and hits a chokeslam. LAME.
Rey puts on his mask backstage
and walks through the hall, stopping to high-five
Jimmy Wang Yang and Slam Master J before being
approached by Josh Matthews. Rey tells Josh he'll
win the cage match tonight and go on to challenge
'Taker at the Royal Rumble. The cage is lowered as
we go to the not-break.
Rey Mysterio vs. Batista (#1 Contender's Steel Cage
Rey starts off with kicks and
treis to climb out, but Batista yanks him down and
slams Rey into the corner. Rey escapes and sets up
for the 619, but realizes the cage prevents him from
doing the move. So instead, he uses Batista as a
human ladder and almost climbs out, but Batista
pulls him down and tosses him into the cage. Batista
tries to throw Rey into the cage again, but Rey
holds on to the cage and and hits a seated senton.
Batista counters with a big boot and motions for the
spear, but Rey dodges, sending Batista into the cage
wall. Rey hits a low dropkick and a legdrop for 2.
Batista blocks a bulldog attempt and a spear.
Batista then hits a spinebuster and steals Jack
Swagger's bit by doing some push-ups. Batista
signals for the Batista Bomb, but Rey grabs the top
of the cage as he's hoisted up. Batista calls for
the door to be open and tries to run out, but Rey
kicks the door into his face and falls to the floor
to win it.
WINNER AND NEW #1
CONTENDER: Rey Mysterio.
Well, that does it for
Smackdown. Join me next time, as the Smackdown Rant,
much like SNL, will be LIVE FROM NEW YORK as I
audition for colleges there. Wish me luck!