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LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
(01/15/10)
BY SHANE STEELE

 
Hey hey, folks! The bad news is, I missed watching Smackdown on TV Friday night due to having to tech a show in Dunedin. The good news is, this rant is now brought to you COMMERCIAL FREE via the greatness of YouTube! See? Caps makes everying better! Tonight, we will see the umpteenth epic battle between Rey Mysterio and Batista, this time in the dreaded steel cage. And unfortunately, we'll also hear from The Undertaker. To prevent myself from falling asleep, I've replaced all my pillows with air horns.
 
Thankfully, Chris Jericho decides to kick off the show, making his way to the ring with a big ol' bruise on his face courtesy of one Mike Tyson. They replay Jericho getting sucker punched Monday night and I've got to admit, I thought Tyson totally whiffed the first time I saw it. The bruise proves otherwise. Jericho claims that he's not beaten yet and vows revenge on DX, declaring himself the baddest man on the planet in the process. The baddest man on the planet? Not so much. The baddest man of 1,004 holds? Definitely. There's a long awkward silence after this, as if something was supposed to happen, but didn't. Jericho finally states that he'll go on to win the Royal Rumble and become World Heavyweight Champion once more. John Morrison's music hits and sweet Jesus, we have a match.
 
John Morrison vs. Chris Jericho
 
Morrison slaps Jericho right in the bruise, then clotheslines him out of the ring. Morrison heads to the top rope, but suddenly, Drew McIntyre heads for the ring as we go to the non-existent break.
 
We return to find Morrison hitting clotheslines on Jericho as McIntyre watches intently from the outside. Morrison hits a nice backbreaker-legsweep combo for 2 and looks to hit a Chuck kick, but Jericho dumps him out of the ring, then rolls him back in and hits a springboard splash for 2. Jericho applies a headlock, but Morrison escapes and hits a dropkick and a running knee to the face for 2. Jericho responds by kicking Morrison in the chest and hitting a bulldog. Morrison dodges a Lionsault and hits the Chuck kick for 2. Morrison sets up for Starship Pain, but Jericho gets out of the way, only to have Morrison roll him up for 2.  Jericho blocks a charge and slaps on the Walls of Jericho, as McIntyre moves to the ropes to watch. Morrison eventually crawls to the ropes and stares down McIntyre, only to turn around into the Codebreaker.
 
WINNER: Chris Jericho. McIntyre holds his title over the fallen Morrison, then steps on his face as he leaves. CM Punk saves another member of the WWE Universe next. Hopefully, this time sans a Luke Gallows Massage.
 
Punk and Gallows make their way to the ring, as someone holds up the same "CM Skunk" sign I saw last week. Does Punk have a stalker? We get a nice little replay of last week's shaving/uncomfortable touching session, as Punk says the WWE universe (God, I hate writing that) can become just like Luke. A molester? I think I'll pass. Gallows then gets the mic and in a surprisingly cool voice, says that it's hard to change, but being straightedge does that to people. Punk promises to win the Royal Rumble and accomplish something for the Straightedge Society, which I proudly consider myself a part of. Punk picks an Orlando Jordan lookalike out of the crowd and Gallows brings him to the ring. This fellow is named Trevor. And as soon as he sits down, Gallows begins to rub his shoulder. CREEPER! Punk tries to get the crowd to stop cheering for alcohol, which they continue to do anyway. Who knew addictive substances were so popular? Trevor accepts straightedge into his life and has his mighty afro shaved, revealing some pretty nasty bumps on his head. Had he known those were there, he might've stayed an alcoholic. Punk and Gallows raise Trevor's hand in salvation until The Great Khali's music hits as Khali, Ranjin Singh, and..Matt Hardy (?) head to the ring. It's guys from India and a guy who likes Indian food! Apparently, a fatal four way tag team match with the winners recieving a shot at the Unified Tag Team titles is next.
 
CM Punk and Luke Gallows vs. The Great Khali and Matt Hardy W/ Ranjin Singh vs. The Hart Dynasty vs. Cryme Tyme
 
Matt Hardy and David Hart Smith start thing off, with Smith punching away at Matt. Hardy escapes a powerslam attempt and tags to Khali, who sets Matt up for the top rope elbow drop and then clotheslines Smith out of the ring. Khali and Hardy corner the poor Harts as we head to the absent break.
 
We return to find Gallows and Khali squaring off, with Khali nailing Gallows with a brain chop. However, JTG tags in and covers for 2. Gallows rams JTG into the corner and tags to Punk, who is quickly taken down by JTG. Mug Shot gets 2 as the Harts break it up and all hell breaks loose as everyone proceeds to take out each other. Finally, it's just Punk and JTG in the ring. Gallows blind tags Punk as JTG hits the Shout-Out, but Gallows kicks him in the back of the head and hits the Gallows Pole/12th Step/Can We Decide on This Move's Name Already? to win.
 
WINNERS: CM Punk and Luke Gallows, who will hopefully be taking it to DX sometime in the near future.
 
We cut to Josh Matthews, who is trying to get an interview with Batista. Why would anyone want to talk to Batista? Batista opens the door, refuses to answer any of Josh's questions, and threatens to destroy the little guy if he knocks again. While Batista will not be boring us to sleep, The Undertaker will be happy to do so next.
 
Here comes 'Taker, blah blah powers of darkness, blah blah I'll beat whoever wins the match tonight, blah blah I'll see you Monday night, Shawn Michaels. Yup, that's it. Trust me, be happy I kept it brief.
 
Beth Phoenix vs. Mickie James
 
Beth and Mickie exchange blows, with Beth eventually getting the upper hand. Beth runs Mickie into the corner and pays tribute to Umaga with a running ass attack to the face. Beth slams Mickie to the mat for 2, then applies a headlock. Mickie punches out, but eats backbreaker for 2. Mickie tries to come back with kicks, but Beth drives Mickie into the corner and won't back off to draw the DQ.
 
WINNER BY DISQUALIFICATION: Beth Phoenix. After the match, Team Lay-Cool (Layla and McCool put together. Clever, right?) head for the ring as Beth leaves. They proceed to destroy Mickie, with Michelle hitting a Faith Breaker to end it.
 
Kane makes his way to the ring as Josh Matthews interviews Dolph Ziggler in the back. Ziggler says he'll beat Kane and go on to win the Royal Rumble. God, I'm sick of people with no chance of winning it saying that. Can't anyone ever just say "I'll last for at least 20 minutes before being eliminated by some big dude who will later be eliminated by The Undertaker"?
 
Kane vs. Dolph Ziggler
 
Kane slams Ziggler into the corner and knocks Ziggler around for a bit before hitting a low dropkick for 2. A scoop slam is followed by several elbow drops until Ziggler manages to block a corner charge. Ziggler goes for the sleeper hold, but Kane dumps him out of the ring as we go to the not-break.
 
We return to find Ziggler working a headlock, then hitting a neck snap for 1. A dropkick gets 1 as well, followed by more headlocky goodness. Ziggler goes for some corner punches, but Kane throws him off and hits a big boot. Corner clotheslines are followed by a powerslam for 2. Kane heads up top, but Ziggler meets him up there and tries to go for a superplex. Kane pushes him away and Ziggler rolls to the outside. Kane tosses Ziggler back in the ring, but when he tries to get back in the ring, Ziggler dropkicks him off the apron. Ziggler applies the sleeper hold, but Kane rams him into the steel post and rolls him back in the ring. Ziggler manages to dodge the Clothesline of Good Intentions and hit a Fameasser for 2. Ziggler goes for the Zig Zag, but Kane blocks it and hits a chokeslam. LAME.
 
WINNER: Kane.
 
Rey puts on his mask backstage and walks through the hall, stopping to high-five Jimmy Wang Yang and Slam Master J before being approached by Josh Matthews. Rey tells Josh he'll win the cage match tonight and go on to challenge 'Taker at the Royal Rumble. The cage is lowered as we go to the not-break.
 
Rey Mysterio vs. Batista (#1 Contender's Steel Cage Match)
 
Rey starts off with kicks and treis to climb out, but Batista yanks him down and slams Rey into the corner. Rey escapes and sets up for the 619, but realizes the cage prevents him from doing the move. So instead, he uses Batista as a human ladder and almost climbs out, but Batista pulls him down and tosses him into the cage. Batista tries to throw Rey into the cage again, but Rey holds on to the cage and and hits a seated senton. Batista counters with a big boot and motions for the spear, but Rey dodges, sending Batista into the cage wall. Rey hits a low dropkick and a legdrop for 2. Batista blocks a bulldog attempt and a spear. Batista then hits a spinebuster and steals Jack Swagger's bit by doing some push-ups. Batista signals for the Batista Bomb, but Rey grabs the top of the cage as he's hoisted up. Batista calls for the door to be open and tries to run out, but Rey kicks the door into his face and falls to the floor to win it.
 
WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Rey Mysterio.
 
Well, that does it for Smackdown. Join me next time, as the Smackdown Rant, much like SNL, will be LIVE FROM NEW YORK as I audition for colleges there. Wish me luck!
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).