Hello, everyone, a (slightly injured) “Great” Scott is back and ready to use three hours of his valuable time to watch and recap a show about sweaty, half-naked men grabbing each other…ugh.
This report is a few days late because I spent my Friday evening in the emergency room. You see, being fat and athletic isn’t a winning combo. I am a basketball fiend and I play at least twice a week. This week, I zigged when I should’ve zagged and heard my ankle crack twice as I hit the floor. Thankfully, it was just a bad sprain and not a break, so I won’t be out of commission for too long. Now that I can actually get around, I’m up and I’m watching this week’s show.
Speaking of this week’s show, my recap this week is brought to you (unofficially) by The Great Muppet Caper. I saw this movie in the theaters when I was five years old. Along with The Fox and the Hound, it was one of the two movies I can first remember going to the theater to see. It’s awesome how cool things, like The Muppets, are so damned timeless. The Muppets never get old; they never seem to not be cool. That’s pretty awesome.
Finally, before we begin, I’d like to give you “Great” Scott’s Great Advice of the Week. This week’s advice is for all of you who think that “Evil” Michael Cole is a good idea. For all six of you (three if you count people NOT related to Michael Cole), go rent or buy the new Bobby “The Brain” Heenan DVDs. The guy was super-talented and had abilities that no announcer had or will ever have. He was funny, able to take a bump, quick-witted, and most importantly CONSISTENT. He always looked out for his “family,” but most of all, he always looked out for himself. He developed a character that was easily described. That’s why the announcers today SUCK. I can’t define any of them. Is Michael Cole a pro-WWE guy, or is he a heel? Is he trying to be cool, or is he parodying a guy trying to be cool? I don’t think even he knows. The worst part? He’s the BEST the WWE has right now. Striker has literally gotten worse, and I’m not even going to comment on the other guys. Anyway, go watch the DVD, if for no other reason to hear Bobby’s commentary during the 1992 Royal Rumble (where Ric Flair won the title). The ENTIRE Royal Rumble match is on there, and Bobby is in rare form.
Well, this week’s show with Alberto Del Rio. Someone in the crowd wins Clever Sign of the Night award with a sign that says, “Alberto Del Stinko.” That’s classic…or not. The announce team talks about how Del Rio interrupted a Shawn Michaels segment on RAW. It seems that Del Rio is on both shows every week now. It shows how great the heel roster is on RAW when Del Rio has to pull double duty every week.
Del Rio insults the southern crowd, talks about how he’s going to win the Royal Rumble, and is then interrupted by R-Truth. Bummer. R-Truth essentially says the Del Rio has to earn a win at the Royal Rumble. Truth also insults Del Rio’s ring announcer…that’s just not right. Finally, Truth makes a Ricky Ricardo joke that I’m positive less than 15 people actually understood.
Next, Cody Rhodes comes out. This segment is getting worse by the second. Because Cody Rhodes’ voice gives me a rash, I decide to hit fast forward (bless you, DVR).
After just a second or two, Rey Mysterio comes out. Hey, two faces and two heels…I wonder if this is going to turn out to be a tag match. Rey comes out to goof on the heels and talk about how he’s a survivor and how he’s actually won a Royal Rumble. The four men exchange quips, and it actually gets kinda’ funny until Truth decks Rhodes with the microphone and a fight breaks out. Teddy Long comes out to ruin things and makes the tag match.
Alberto Del Rio and Cody Rhodes vs. R-Truth and Rey Mysterio
When we return from commercials, we see that Rey is starting out with Cody Rhodes. Rhodes forces Mysterio to the corner and kicks him in the gut. After a shoulderblock by Rhodes, Mysterio takes control with kicks and a seated dropkick on Rhodes in the corner. Rhodes stumbles to his corner and tags to Del Rio. Del Rio looks hesitant, but takes over quickly with a kick, elbow, head slam to the turnbuckle, and a stiff kick to the back. Del Rio backs Mysterio to his corner, but Rey fights out. Del Rio stops Mysterio cold by flinging him to the floor. Del Rio follows Rey outside and tosses him to the security barrier.
Back in the ring, Del Rio tries for a pin, but only gets two. He tags back out to Rhodes, who stomps on Mysterio. Rhodes tries to follow with a knee drop, but misses. Rey heads to the ropes, but Rhodes stops him. Rey blocks a superplex attempt and headbutts Rhodes to the mat. Mysterio follows with a flying cross body. Mysterio tags to R-Truth and Rhodes tags to Del Rio. R-Truth takes control with clotheslines and a fall forward suplex. Truth follows by sending both heels to the floor. Mysterio follows that up with a springboard moonsault. As always, the best move of the match means it’s commercial time.
When we return from the break, we see that Del Rio is escaping from an R-Truth headlock. Del Rio tags to Rhodes, who hits a forward suplex. He tries to follow, but R-Truth hits a quick drop toe hold. The heels use some trickery to distract R-Truth so Rhodes can blindside him. Rhodes lands a pair of Dusty punches and tags to Del Rio, who maintains control with a nice seated dropkick. He stays on the offensive with a suplex and a chinlock. Truth gets to his feet and hits a trio of punches before Del Rio tosses him to the mat and tags out to Rhodes. Rhodes stays on R-Truth with a pair of knee strikes and a side Russian leg sweep. After a failed pin attempt, Rhodes applies a rear naked choke, half full nelson sorta’ hold. R-Truth makes his way up and nails Rhodes with an electric chair drop. R-Truth makes it up first and tags Mysterio. For some reason, Rhodes doesn’t tag. Rey knocks Rhodes around like a pinball, and the two men exchange pin attempts until Del Rio gets involved. R-Truth takes him out of the picture, but Rhodes clotheslines Truth out. Rhodes catches Rey in position for an Alabama Slam, but Rey reverses out with a flying head scissors. Rhodes ends up draped over the ropes, right in the position for the 619. Rey hits it and gets the pin.
Winners: Rey Mysterio and R-Truth
That match was pretty good. Nothing super-duper, but really good. Some nice spots, no mistakes, and everyone came out of it looking pretty credible.
Royal Rumble commercial is next. In the next week or so, I’ll have to let you all know how my buddies and I play our Royal Rumble betting game. It definitely makes it more interesting when money is on the line.
Death Race 2? Really?
After the commercials, JTG does a racist segment. If they were going to do this, why didn’t they keep Shad?
Next, we get some buildup for the Wade Barrett/Big Show match. Wade Barrett actually cuts one of the most logical, cool, clever promos I’ve seen in a long time. He’d better stop this before HHH comes back, or he’ll end up in the land of Misfit Heels along with Chris Jericho, Booker T, Shelton Benjamin, and both Hardys. Seriously, though, Barrett is still absolute gold on the mic. I really hope they work on his in-ring work, because he’s really talented otherwise.
Another Ezekiel Jackson video package. Other than Christian, I don’t think there was a non-jobber in that montage.
Trent Barretta vs. Drew McIntyre
Sigh…they really had to break up the Dudebusters for this? I guess when they dubbed McIntyre “The Chosen One,” they meant the one that’s chosen to beat up jobbers and lose to any credible opponent.
I guess this is the second match of a mini-feud between these two. Baretta jumps McIntryre straight outta’ the gate and starts punching on him right away. McIntyre fights back with a big boot and then destroys Baretta for a little while. Drew takes some time to pose arrogantly, and then hit two corner clotheslines and a short arm clothesline. He follows this up with a dropkick. After a failed pin attempt, McIntyre applies an armbar. Baretta tries to get up, but McIntyre beats him back down. Baretta gets in a small flurry of offense after flipping out of a German suplex, but McIntyre eventually catches him and hits the German suplex into the corner. Ouch. Baretta is dead, I think. McIntyre hoists Baretta up in a press slam, but Baretta slips behind him with a sunset flip…and wins?!?! Holy Hell!!
Winner: Trent Baretta
The match was average, but I’ll give it a bonus point for letting a jobber win one.
On a side note, the WWE seriously applies no logic to their booking at all. Why let Baretta win? There are guys on the roster that could actually use a win to build momentum, but you’re going to let a guy who is pretty much going nowhere win a match? I realize this will probably intersect with the McIntyre/Kelly Kelly angle that absolutely no one wants to see, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.
After the commercials, my prediction comes true, as Drew McIntyre jumps Baretta. Kelly Kelly comes in, gets made at McIntyre, and storms off. I don’t care enough to type any more.
Big Show vs. Wade Barrett
That’s Barrett’s theme music? Dear God, can I change my Fanny vote? That is about one step below Wham!
Big Show runs through his “I can make any guy look less credible in two minutes,” offense until Barrett hits a dropkick on Big Show’s knee. Barrett continues the offense by kicking and punching Big Show around the ring. Barrett turns his attention to Big Show’s knee, which he works on for the next few minutes. Show decides he’s sold for long enough, and continues to make Barrett look like a tool. Show signals for the choke slam, but Barrett escapes (twice), and then Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel come in the ring to jump Big Show.
Winner: Big Show (by DQ)
That really wasn’t much of a match, but points for it starting a couple of potentially interesting angles.
After the two Nexus members try to take out Big Show, Ezekiel Jackson makes an appearance. He turns on Big Show by way of a huge lariat. The Nexus finally take Big Show down and then EZEKIEL JACKSON SLAMS THE BIG SHOW! Holy shit! That was the cleanest slam of the Big Show I’ve ever seen! He actually holds him up for a few seconds, too! Damn it, Ezekiel Jackson has to be on crazy mutant steroids or some damn thing. Perhaps he’s not going to beat on jobbers for the next two months.
After the beatdown, the four heels stand in the ring triumphantly. What is this, the Nexus black and red? I don’t like there being two Nexus groups; this reeks of the NWO angle. They should merge the two groups and have CM Punk be Megatron to Wade Barrett’s Starscream. It would be better than this, “Nexus was mildly successful as a heel faction, so let’s have a Nexus on BOTH programs,” approach.
Michelle McCool (with Layla) vs. Beth Phoenix
One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to boycott LayCool. Seriously, they take the belt of that walking green bean and then give her the “best diva” award, which (coincidentally enough) is the only one the fans don’t vote on. Hmmmm…I wonder why that was. Michelle is soooooo sexy, smart, and powerful. Actually, those wouldn’t be the first three adjectives I would think of when describing Michelle McCool (anorexic, obnoxious, and opportunistic would probably rank amongst the top).
Anyway, Michelle works the leg most of the match. Beth pretty much no sells it, and then hits the Glam Slam for the win.
Again, I give divas matches points when someone doesn’t end up injured, hence the score.
WWE is releasing a “top 50” DVD. It would be super interesting to see this done fairly. Hand out surveys to like 500 wrestling writers, performers, and fans, and have them rank performers on in-ring work, personality, lasting appeal, and mainstream success. It would be interesting to see who would win. As it stands, I’m intrigued to see how WWE handles this DVD set. Is Vince petty enough to leave out Randy Savage and Ric Flair, rank Hulk Hogan any lower than the top 10, or over-rank current guys like HHH and John Cena? I’m thinking….yes.
After the commercials, we’re treated to Shawn Michaels’ Hall of Fame package. I have to say, I actually watched WWF (Screw you, World Wildlife Fund!) when Michaels kicked Marty Janetty through the Barber Shop window. It was a pretty unbelievable moment, but the first thing I thought was, “Seriously, this guy is one half of The Rockers. They suck. What can he do on his own?” Wow, color me stupid. This guy turned out to be one of the best all-around performers ever. Good pick, WWE.
Next, two of Satan’s spawns are in the back with Dolph Ziggler. Apparently, they’re going to continue with this gag-inducing Vickie/Ziggler angle. Sickening.
Wow, back to commercials? If you insist.
After commercial break 104, we head back to the ring for…
Kofi Kingston vs. No One
I guess this we’re going to let Kofi talk a bit. He begins to cut a pretty generic face promo that gets the biggest (negative) reaction when he mentions Vickie Guerrero. Unfortunately, his promo only lasts about 33 seconds, as Jack Swagger’s music cues up. Swagger cuts pretty much the same promo he does every time he gets on the mic. Kofi says he’ll take him on and the match begins.
Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger
Kingston takes control early with kicks and a European uppercut. He flings Swagger to the corner, runs right into Swagger’s feet as he tries a corner splash. Swagger follows up with a big boot that sends Kingston to the outside. Next, more commercials!
After the commercials, we return to see Swagger stomping a mudhole in Kingston. He follows up with a slam and an arm bar/knee to the face. Kofi tries to fight out with forearm shots, but Swagger shoves him to the corner and hits a clothesline. Swagger hits the Vader splash in the corner and applies a top overhand wristlock. Swagger tosses Kingston to the mat and stomps on him some more. Swagger forces Kingston to the corner and tosses him all the way across the ring. Swagger tries for the Vader splash again, but Kingston rolls out of the way. Swagger regains his footing, but misses a corner charge, which allows Kingston to get some shots in. The action goes back and forth from there (a little too quickly for me to keep up), culminating in Kingston escaping from the gut wrench powerbomb but missing the Trouble in Paradise. Swagger stops Kingston’s momentum with a belly-to-belly suplex. Swagger hoists Kingston up for a powerslam, but Kingston escapes. Swagger tries to recover with a clothesline, but he misses, allowing Kofi to hit the S.O.S, which…wins the match? Okaaaay.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
Lots of minor stuff kinda’ ruined this match: the commercial interruption kinda’ killed the momentum (as it always does), no high spots and lazy pacing, awkward ending, and a general lack of psychology. Why does Swagger use an ankle lock when he doesn’t do one move that targets the ankle? It didn’t really matter in this match, since he didn’t even bother to go for it (despite the fact that he taunted it in the pre-match interview). The match wasn’t terrible, but I’ve seen better from these two.
Well, it appears that the final segment of the show is a non-match! I LOVE non-matches, especially when one of the participants is Vickie Guerrero! I hate to seem lazy, but I’m skipping through this nonsense. After a few minutes of fast forwarding, Dolph Ziggler takes a back seat to Vickie Guerrero screaming. What the hell’s new? Vickie “attacks” Edge, and then Edge threatens to spear her. (Matt Striker actually says something funny as he tells Edge to harpoon her). Unfortunately, Edge doesn’t do it (damn), as Dolph Ziggler makes the save. He does the only good thing in this segment when he Zig Zags Edge into the ring steps. Ziggler follows that up by kissing Vickie. The show ends. I vomit.
Well, another SmackDown recap’s in the books. Let’s give out some awards so I can go ice my ankle.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: Wade Barrett cuts a cool promo and Ezekiel Jackson cleanly slams the big show.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: This is a toughie because the whole show was kinda’ boring. I guess I have to give this to the non-match main event and Vickie Guerrero’s part in it.
That’s it for yet another SmackDown recap. Have a “great” week, and try to avoid nearly breaking your leg on a basketball court.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).