required by unwritten law, I must talk about the
happenings of Monday night. And being a guy who grew
up a WCW fan due to my dad's love of Ric Flair
causing him to not allow me to watch the ol' WWF,
this might come across as a little skewed. Well,
it's not. So there. Anyway, because of that, I had
no idea who Bret Hart was until a couple years ago.
Nonetheless, I was sorta psyched to see him come
back to RAW, kick Shawn, Vince, and Hunter's asses
and put the tag team titles on The Hart Dynasty.
Well, it didn't quite play out like that. Instead,
hugs were exchanged, balls were kicked, Bourne and
Sheamus were made to look incompetent, and irony of
ironies, The Hart Dynasty popped out to hug Bret
AFTER THE SHOW WENT OFF THE AIR. Granted, so did a
lot of the young talent like Swagger, Miz, MVP, and
Kofi, in addition to Chris Jericho and a strangely
out of place Chavo Guerrero. I saw it on WWE.com and
it's kinda sad when that special feature is better
than the show as a whole.
As for TNA, I did not watch it,
but read about it on their website. First off, who
the hell is paying for all these guys? Sure most of
them aren't that dependable, so they probably have
short-term contracts, but jeez? Jeff Hardy, Shannon
Moore, Ric Flair, both Nasty Boys, Orlando Jordan,
Scott Hall, Sean Waltman, and Florida talk radio
legend and former Florida sheriff candidate (I wish
I was making that up) Bubba "The Love Sponge" Clem?
That's a lot of talent to toss out in one night, not
to mention the mega-contracts Hogan and Bischoff
probably got. I'm expecting Hardy to go to prison,
Hall and Waltman to eventually be let go for being
dicks or something like that, the Nasty Boys and
Clem to be short-term shock value talent and quickly
phased out, and Flair to have an inevitable falling
out with either Hogan or Bischoff and walk. That
leaves Moore and OJ as the only two possible
long-term employees, at least in my eyes. We'll see
how it goes. If, by the grace of God, all these men
are retained, I expect the stuff in TNA that I
actually like to vanish. British Invasion, Elijah
Burke (he'll always be Elijah to me, damnit! NEW
BREED FOR LIFE!), Desmond Wolfe, and entire
X-Divison, we hardly knew thee. Now get thee to the
FCW only a few hours out of Orlando.
So, after that big
of massiveness, on to the Rant. Our show kicks off
with a recap of last week's Beat the Clock
challenge, which ended with people actually beating
the clock, but no one being named #1
Contender. LIES! Anyway, to settle this matter, both
Batista and Rey Mysterio will square off yet again,
with the winner being named #1 Contender and getting
a shot at the World Heavyweight Championship at the
And as per contract
stipulation, Batista elects to open the show
tonight, interrupting his own entrance to demand a
spotlight, then allowing it to resume. Um, props to
the guy working lights? Anyway, Batista, much like
myself, notices that nothing much has changed on
Smackdown in the past few weeks, with the fans still
booing him and Teddy Long still being a jerk to
him. You left out same old Rey-Batista, Dave. 'Teest
demands Teddy come out and explain why he's being
mistreated and instead gets Rey Mysterio. Rey says
he cost Batista the match last week as mere
retaliation for interrupting the Mysterio-Undertaker
match two weeks ago. Rey claims that Batista is
afraid that Rey will beat him again tonight, so
Batista throws a hissy fit and threatens to beat Rey
so badly he won't be able to walk out of the
building. Rey comes back by saying he'll win tonight
and that he WILL walk out of the building tonight.
Ooh! Intrigue! Will Rey walk out of the
building tonight? Stay tuned!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I never
would've guessed digital sound would be digital.
Kane vs. Dolph Ziggler
Apparently, much like Mike Knox
before him, Ziggler is being sacrificed to the Human
Awesomeness Vaccuum that is Kane. Godspeed, Dolph.
Anyway, Ziggler gets the match going with punches,
but Kane responds with a bitchslap and some punches
of his own before working a headlock. Low dropkick
gets 2. Kane sets up for a superplex, but Ziggler
shoves him away and hits a missile dropkick for 1.
Ziggler goes for a neckbreaker, but Kane blocks it,
so Ziggler turns it into a DDT for 1. A neck snap
also gets 1? Is Kane deliberately making Ziggler
look like shit? Kane blocks a hip toss and rams
Ziggler into the corner. A big boot gets 2, as does
a side slam. Kane hits the Clothesline of Good
Intentions for 2 and signals for a chokeslam, but
Ziggler escapes and hits the Zig Zag. Kane, however,
wrecks the move's credibility by kicking out at 2.
Ziggler goes back to the sleeper hold he used last
week. Kane tries to roll out of the ring, but
Ziggler holds on to him and continues to apply the
hold outside the ring. Once the ref's count gets to
8, Ziggler rolls back in the ring at 8 to win the
match by countout and avoid being completely buried.
WINNER BY COUNTOUT:
Dolph Ziggler. Tonight, Punk saves a member of the
audience. Holy Crap, I completely forgot about that.
I'm actually looking forward to seeing it happen.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Michael
also cannot dance.
Michelle McBitch and Layla are
backstage trying to apologize to Beth Phoenix for
costing her the match last week. They even offer to
let Beth give Mickie James their latest present, a
pig trough full of salad. Somewhere in the
world...sorry, nobody's laughing at that. Beth, like
any sane person, declines, and promises to kick the
shit out of Layla in their match tonight.
We now cut to Chris Jericho,
who's talking to The Hart Dynasty in the back. In
what I'm sure was an awkward moment, Chris
congratulates them for beating him up 2 weeks ago,
but challenges them to make another impact tonight.
Then he offers them a chance to help him get back to
RAW. The Hart's decline, claiming Jericho isn't on
their level. In truth, he actually is, but I'll save
my WWE Awesomeness Chart for another day. R-Truth is
rapping his way to the ring as we go to the break.
Question-how do they get those cars out of the
R-Truth and Cryme Tyme vs. The Hart Dynast
and Chris Jericho
Tyson Kidd and R-Truth start
the match off with a nice exchange of holds before
Truth hits a dropkick and tags to JTG. A double hip
toss gets 2, as JTG promptly tags to Shad, who hits
some generic hoss stuff (punches, shoulder blocks,
the usual) before tagging to Truth. Kidd rushes to
his corner and tags to Jericho, who proceeds to get
his ass kicked with a variety of moves as we go to
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I don't
care how much money it may cost, the WWE needs to
hire Smilin' Ed of Famous Treasures RIGHT NOW. (Look
it up on YouTube).
We return to find Shad now
destroying poor Chris. Guy just can't catch a break
this week. DH Smith pulls down the ropes as Shad
tries to bounce off them and he rolls to the
outside. Natalya gets in a quick kick to the ribs as
Jericho rolls him back in the ring. Tag to Kidd, who
hits a few kicks before tagging back to Jericho. A
dropkick gets 2 before Jericho tags back to Kidd,
but Shad hits a big clothesline. Tags to both
Jericho and JTG, who hits the Shout Out, but Kidd
breaks it up. Now comes the hard part. (Deep
breath). In this order, Shad tosses Kidd, Jericho
tosses Shad, JTG rolls up Jericho for 2, and Jericho
blocks JTG's double axehandle attempt, slappin on
the Walls of Jericho for the win. Props to DH Smith
for...pulling the ropes down that one time? Way to
make yourself useful.
Jericho and The Hart Dynasty. The Straightedge
Intervention is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Jeez, that
stack of money's an asshole.
CM Punk and Luke Gallows make
their way to the ring, with a small black bag in
tow. Punk's beard is rapidly beginning to resemble
Mike Knox's starter beard from a year ago. Punk asks
who wants to be saved, then pulls a spiky haird dude
out of the crowd. Apparently, his name is James.
Punk sits James down and has him repeat the usual
"blah blah blah, I'll be drug free" as
Gallows...strokes his shoulder? O...kay. Ew, now
he's giving James a back massage! I do not remember
man-rape when I became a straightedger. The
now-sexually molested James promises to stop his
smoking ways, but that's not good enough for Punk as
he has Luke take an electric razor out of the bag.
Apparently, only facial and chest chair is
acceptable in the Straightedge Society. Punk
proceeds to give James the most God-awful skinhead
haircut I have ever seen. Seriously, he still has
some nasty looking tufts of hair there. Might wanna
shave those. But who cares, as I notice LUKE GALLOWS
IS RUBBING THE FACE OF POOR JAMES. Punk proudly
proclaims James (see what I did there?) as a member
of the Straightedge Society while I phone the folks
at "To Catch a Predator". Luke Gallows vs. Matt
Hardy is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I beat up
Prison Yard Rapist, Er, Luke Gallows vs.
Matt starts things off with
some ever-popular rest holds, but Gallows breaks
free and hits a pair of shoulder blocks. Hardy
dodges a leg drop and works the leg from there until
Luke blocks a suplex attempt, haning Matt up on the
ropes instead and kick him to the outside. Gallows
rams Hardy into the apron a few times before rolling
him into the ring and hitting a back suplex. Gallows
works a waistlock for a while, then hits some solid
kicks and punches before applying a headlock. Hardy
escapes with a jawbreaker and hits a moonsault for
2. A DDT also gets 2, with a DDT of the tornado
variety also failing to get more than 2. Punk
distracts Hardy as he goes to the top rope, allowing
Gallows to hit a big boot and follow it up with the
Gallows' Pole to seal it.
Gallows. Loser: Matt Hardy's butthole. On a side
note, I love how Hardy is now Punk's personal
jobber. This could be my intense hatred for Matt
Hardy or my more militant straightedgeness kicking
in. I'll attribute it to the former.
Teddy Long is backstage with
that undeserving whore Maria, congratulating her on
being named as a contestant on the Celebrity
Apprentice. If it gets you off my TV screen for a
while, it's fine by me. Vickie interrupts and
somehow turns it into a plug for the new Mattel WWE
toyline, with Teddy making fat jokes all the way.
The Great Khali appears, thankfully with Ranjin
Singh beside him, and calls Vickie a cow, mooing in
a fashion most ridiculous.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That limo
driver vaguely resembles a Nazi.
Beth Phoenix vs. Layla W/ Michelle McBitch
Shoulder block, Full Throttle,
a few kicks from Layla, snapmare, Glam Slam, it's
Phoenix. Michelle and Layla attack Beth after the
match, but Mickie James arrive to help Beth dispose
of the Dull Duo. She then hits a Mick Kick on Beth,
a sort of payback for the random attack last week.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I rather
enjoy watching Adam Sandler beat up that man.
RAW Recap. Because I already
expressed my feelings in the Super-Rant at the top
of the page, I'll instead vent my frusteration about
the kid who yells "BRET!". He makes my ears bleed.
Josh Matthews is in the back
with Drew McIntyre as we get a replay of the
horrible finish from the match with John Morrison
last week. McIntyre claims there is no controversy
to his victory and promises to become the first
Intercontinental Champion to win the Royal Rumble.
Morrison pops up and dares Drew to say something to
his face. McIntyre says he won't take the bait and
claims he's on to bigger and better things. Morrison
responds with a slap to the face and a small brawl
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: The end
will come...in an ice cream truck. Oh, and
ripped off Night of the Living Dead with
the creepy kid coming at a woman. Do they want to
Rey Mysterio vs. Batista (#1 Contender's Match)
Rey starts things off with a
dropkick and a few low kicks, but Batista scoops Rey
up and rams him into the post to put an end to that.
Batista targets Rey's back from there, slamming it
into his knee, his shoulder, the corner, and the
ring post as we go to the break.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I didn't
know Sawyer from LOST could speak Spanish.
We return to find Batista
trying to hit a superplex, but Rey shoving him off
and hitting a frop splash instead. Rey goes for a
springboard crossbody, but Batista catches him and
hits a pair of spinebusters. A spear connects and
Batista signals for the Batista Bomb, but the gong
sounds, the lights go out, and they come to to show
Batista and Rey both on the ground. Rey gets up and
hits a bulldog, followed by a DDT. Rey sets up for
the 619 and hits it, but the gong sounds once more,
the lights go out again, and both men are again down
when they come back on. The gong sounds a THIRD
time, the lights only dim this time, and
Undertaker's pyro goes off as his music plays. Yeah,
Smackdown just kinda ends there. LOL, what match?
So yeah, we still have no #1
Contender, Luke Gallows will give me nightmares, and
the light guy should be getting a raise. Gotta love
how the WWE has 6 weeks to promote the Rumble, but
Smackdown and RAW decide to take only 3 weeks to
promote the event, JUST LIKE A REGULAR PPV! Props to
ECW and the Homecoming concept, which I like and
provided for something other than filler. See ya