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LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
(01/08/10)
BY SHANE STEELE
Alright, as required by unwritten law, I must talk about the happenings of Monday night. And being a guy who grew up a WCW fan due to my dad's love of Ric Flair causing him to not allow me to watch the ol' WWF, this might come across as a little skewed. Well, it's not. So there. Anyway, because of that, I had no idea who Bret Hart was until a couple years ago. Nonetheless, I was sorta psyched to see him come back to RAW, kick Shawn, Vince, and Hunter's asses and put the tag team titles on The Hart Dynasty. Well, it didn't quite play out like that. Instead, hugs were exchanged, balls were kicked, Bourne and Sheamus were made to look incompetent, and irony of ironies, The Hart Dynasty popped out to hug Bret AFTER THE SHOW WENT OFF THE AIR. Granted, so did a lot of the young talent like Swagger, Miz, MVP, and Kofi, in addition to Chris Jericho and a strangely out of place Chavo Guerrero. I saw it on WWE.com and it's kinda sad when that special feature is better than the show as a whole.
 
As for TNA, I did not watch it, but read about it on their website. First off, who the hell is paying for all these guys? Sure most of them aren't that dependable, so they probably have short-term contracts, but jeez? Jeff Hardy, Shannon Moore, Ric Flair, both Nasty Boys, Orlando Jordan, Scott Hall, Sean Waltman, and Florida talk radio legend and former Florida sheriff candidate (I wish I was making that up) Bubba "The Love Sponge" Clem? That's a lot of talent to toss out in one night, not to mention the mega-contracts Hogan and Bischoff probably got. I'm expecting Hardy to go to prison, Hall and Waltman to eventually be let go for being dicks or something like that, the Nasty Boys and Clem to be short-term shock value talent and quickly phased out, and Flair to have an inevitable falling out with either Hogan or Bischoff and walk. That leaves Moore and OJ as the only two possible long-term employees, at least in my eyes. We'll see how it goes. If, by the grace of God, all these men are retained, I expect the stuff in TNA that I actually like to vanish. British Invasion, Elijah Burke (he'll always be Elijah to me, damnit! NEW BREED FOR LIFE!), Desmond Wolfe, and entire X-Divison, we hardly knew thee. Now get thee to the FCW only a few hours out of Orlando. 
 
So, after that big of massiveness, on to the Rant. Our show kicks off with a recap of last week's Beat the Clock challenge, which ended with people actually beating the clock, but no one being named #1 Contender. LIES! Anyway, to settle this matter, both Batista and Rey Mysterio will square off yet again, with the winner being named #1 Contender and getting a shot at the World Heavyweight Championship at the Royal Rumble.
 
And as per contract stipulation, Batista elects to open the show tonight, interrupting his own entrance to demand a spotlight, then allowing it to resume. Um, props to the guy working lights? Anyway, Batista, much like myself, notices that nothing much has changed on Smackdown in the past few weeks, with the fans still booing him and Teddy Long still being a jerk to him. You left out same old Rey-Batista, Dave. 'Teest demands Teddy come out and explain why he's being mistreated and instead gets Rey Mysterio. Rey says he cost Batista the match last week as mere retaliation for interrupting the Mysterio-Undertaker match two weeks ago. Rey claims that Batista is afraid that Rey will beat him again tonight, so Batista throws a hissy fit and threatens to beat Rey so badly he won't be able to walk out of the building. Rey comes back by saying he'll win tonight and that he WILL walk out of the building tonight. Ooh! Intrigue! Will Rey walk out of the building tonight? Stay tuned!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I never would've guessed digital sound would be digital.
 
Kane vs. Dolph Ziggler
 
Apparently, much like Mike Knox before him, Ziggler is being sacrificed to the Human Awesomeness Vaccuum that is Kane. Godspeed, Dolph. Anyway, Ziggler gets the match going with punches, but Kane responds with a bitchslap and some punches of his own before working a headlock. Low dropkick gets 2. Kane sets up for a superplex, but Ziggler shoves him away and hits a missile dropkick for 1. Ziggler goes for a neckbreaker, but Kane blocks it, so Ziggler turns it into a DDT for 1. A neck snap also gets 1? Is Kane deliberately making Ziggler look like shit? Kane blocks a hip toss and rams Ziggler into the corner. A big boot gets 2, as does a side slam. Kane hits the Clothesline of Good Intentions for 2 and signals for a chokeslam, but Ziggler escapes and hits the Zig Zag. Kane, however, wrecks the move's credibility by kicking out at 2. Ziggler goes back to the sleeper hold he used last week. Kane tries to roll out of the ring, but Ziggler holds on to him and continues to apply the hold outside the ring. Once the ref's count gets to 8, Ziggler rolls back in the ring at 8 to win the match by countout and avoid being completely buried.
 
WINNER BY COUNTOUT: Dolph Ziggler. Tonight, Punk saves a member of the audience. Holy Crap, I completely forgot about that. I'm actually looking forward to seeing it happen.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Michael also cannot dance.
 
Michelle McBitch and Layla are backstage trying to apologize to Beth Phoenix for costing her the match last week. They even offer to let Beth give Mickie James their latest present, a pig trough full of salad. Somewhere in the world...sorry, nobody's laughing at that. Beth, like any sane person, declines, and promises to kick the shit out of Layla in their match tonight.
 
We now cut to Chris Jericho, who's talking to The Hart Dynasty in the back. In what I'm sure was an awkward moment, Chris congratulates them for beating him up 2 weeks ago, but challenges them to make another impact tonight. Then he offers them a chance to help him get back to RAW. The Hart's decline, claiming Jericho isn't on their level. In truth, he actually is, but I'll save my WWE Awesomeness Chart for another day. R-Truth is rapping his way to the ring as we go to the break.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Question-how do they get those cars out of the dealership?
 
R-Truth and Cryme Tyme vs. The Hart Dynast and Chris Jericho
 
Tyson Kidd and R-Truth start the match off with a nice exchange of holds before Truth hits a dropkick and tags to JTG. A double hip toss gets 2, as JTG promptly tags to Shad, who hits some generic hoss stuff (punches, shoulder blocks, the usual) before tagging to Truth. Kidd rushes to his corner and tags to Jericho, who proceeds to get his ass kicked with a variety of moves as we go to the break.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I don't care how much money it may cost, the WWE needs to hire Smilin' Ed of Famous Treasures RIGHT NOW. (Look it up on YouTube).
 
We return to find Shad now destroying poor Chris. Guy just can't catch a break this week. DH Smith pulls down the ropes as Shad tries to bounce off them and he rolls to the outside. Natalya gets in a quick kick to the ribs as Jericho rolls him back in the ring. Tag to Kidd, who hits a few kicks before tagging back to Jericho. A dropkick gets 2 before Jericho tags back to Kidd, but Shad hits a big clothesline. Tags to both Jericho and JTG, who hits the Shout Out, but Kidd breaks it up. Now comes the hard part. (Deep breath). In this order, Shad tosses Kidd, Jericho tosses Shad, JTG rolls up Jericho for 2, and Jericho blocks JTG's double axehandle attempt, slappin on the Walls of Jericho for the win. Props to DH Smith for...pulling the ropes down that one time? Way to make yourself useful.
 
WINNERS: Chris Jericho and The Hart Dynasty. The Straightedge Intervention is next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Jeez, that stack of money's an asshole.
 
CM Punk and Luke Gallows make their way to the ring, with a small black bag in tow. Punk's beard is rapidly beginning to resemble Mike Knox's starter beard from a year ago. Punk asks who wants to be saved, then pulls a spiky haird dude out of the crowd. Apparently, his name is James. Punk sits James down and has him repeat the usual "blah blah blah, I'll be drug free" as Gallows...strokes his shoulder? O...kay. Ew, now he's giving James a back massage! I do not remember man-rape when I became a straightedger. The now-sexually molested James promises to stop his smoking ways, but that's not good enough for Punk as he has Luke take an electric razor out of the bag. Apparently, only facial and chest chair is acceptable in the Straightedge Society. Punk proceeds to give James the most God-awful skinhead haircut I have ever seen. Seriously, he still has some nasty looking tufts of hair there. Might wanna shave those. But who cares, as I notice LUKE GALLOWS IS RUBBING THE FACE OF POOR JAMES. Punk proudly proclaims James (see what I did there?) as a member of the Straightedge Society while I phone the folks at "To Catch a Predator". Luke Gallows vs. Matt Hardy is next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I beat up my brother.
 
Prison Yard Rapist, Er, Luke Gallows vs. Matt Hardy
 
Matt starts things off with some ever-popular rest holds, but Gallows breaks free and hits a pair of shoulder blocks. Hardy dodges a leg drop and works the leg from there until Luke blocks a suplex attempt, haning Matt up on the ropes instead and kick him to the outside. Gallows rams Hardy into the apron a few times before rolling him into the ring and hitting a back suplex. Gallows works a waistlock for a while, then hits some solid kicks and punches before applying a headlock. Hardy escapes with a jawbreaker and hits a moonsault for 2. A DDT also gets 2, with a DDT of the tornado variety also failing to get more than 2. Punk distracts Hardy as he goes to the top rope, allowing Gallows to hit a big boot and follow it up with the Gallows' Pole to seal it.
 
WINNER: Luke Gallows. Loser: Matt Hardy's butthole. On a side note, I love how Hardy is now Punk's personal jobber. This could be my intense hatred for Matt Hardy or my more militant straightedgeness kicking in. I'll attribute it to the former.
 
Teddy Long is backstage with that undeserving whore Maria, congratulating her on being named as a contestant on the Celebrity Apprentice. If it gets you off my TV screen for a while, it's fine by me. Vickie interrupts and somehow turns it into a plug for the new Mattel WWE toyline, with Teddy making fat jokes all the way. The Great Khali appears, thankfully with Ranjin Singh beside him, and calls Vickie a cow, mooing in a fashion most ridiculous.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That limo driver vaguely resembles a Nazi.
 
Beth Phoenix vs. Layla W/ Michelle McBitch
 
Shoulder block, Full Throttle, a few kicks from Layla, snapmare, Glam Slam, it's over.
 
WINNER: Beth Phoenix. Michelle and Layla attack Beth after the match, but Mickie James arrive to help Beth dispose of the Dull Duo. She then hits a Mick Kick on Beth, a sort of payback for the random attack last week.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I rather enjoy watching Adam Sandler beat up that man.
 
RAW Recap. Because I already expressed my feelings in the Super-Rant at the top of the page, I'll instead vent my frusteration about the kid who yells "BRET!". He makes my ears bleed.
 
Josh Matthews is in the back with Drew McIntyre as we get a replay of the horrible finish from the match with John Morrison last week. McIntyre claims there is no controversy to his victory and promises to become the first Intercontinental Champion to win the Royal Rumble. Morrison pops up and dares Drew to say something to his face. McIntyre says he won't take the bait and claims he's on to bigger and better things. Morrison responds with a slap to the face and a small brawl ensues.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: The end will come...in an ice cream truck. Oh, and Legion ripped off Night of the Living Dead with the creepy kid coming at a woman. Do they want to get sued?
 
Rey Mysterio vs. Batista (#1 Contender's Match)
 
Rey starts things off with a dropkick and a few low kicks, but Batista scoops Rey up and rams him into the post to put an end to that. Batista targets Rey's back from there, slamming it into his knee, his shoulder, the corner, and the ring post as we go to the break.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I didn't know Sawyer from LOST could speak Spanish.
 
We return to find Batista trying to hit a superplex, but Rey shoving him off and hitting a frop splash instead. Rey goes for a springboard crossbody, but Batista catches him and hits a pair of spinebusters. A spear connects and Batista signals for the Batista Bomb, but the gong sounds, the lights go out, and they come to to show Batista and Rey both on the ground. Rey gets up and hits a bulldog, followed by a DDT. Rey sets up for the 619 and hits it, but the gong sounds once more, the lights go out again, and both men are again down when they come back on. The gong sounds a THIRD time, the lights only dim this time, and Undertaker's pyro goes off as his music plays. Yeah, Smackdown just kinda ends there. LOL, what match?
 
So yeah, we still have no #1 Contender, Luke Gallows will give me nightmares, and the light guy should be getting a raise. Gotta love how the WWE has 6 weeks to promote the Rumble, but Smackdown and RAW decide to take only 3 weeks to promote the event, JUST LIKE A REGULAR PPV! Props to ECW and the Homecoming concept, which I like and provided for something other than filler. See ya next week.
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).