WWE SmackDown Recap for January 7, 2011
It’s 2011 and I’m going to start the year off by
being totally honest with you. I had some
pretty grand plans for this recap. I was going to
do a very special “Last of 2010/First of 2011” edition,
where I got all analytical and compared the last two
Unfortunately, I watched the January 7 episode
first, and as you’ll soon be able to tell, it sucked
like a cheap hooker in st1:City
However, there will be some changes. First, there’s the nifty new title graphic. Second, I’ll be replacing my non-wrestling related rants with “Great” Scott’s Great Advice. This will essentially be an amalgamation of all of my other pre-recap stuff, as I will try to pass my greatness on to all of you through recommendations and life lessons. Finally, I’m going to replace the boring “G” ratings with a far more colorful option: Tony the Tigers. Good old Tony represents a cereal that, like me, is GRRRRREAT!
Anyway, I’m probably going to keep my “Unofficial Sponsor of the Week,” simply because I think it’s relatively clever. As a matter of fact, this week’s recap will be brought to you (unofficially) by The Greatest American Hero, the 80s television show starring William Katt and Robert Culp. If you’ve never heard of the show (due to things like not being born yet), it’s essentially about a guy who’s given a super hero suit by aliens and tasked to protect the planet. The problem? The guy’s essentially a clumsy oaf. Much hilarity ensues. The show only lasted three years, but it’s become a cult classic.
Before the show begins, I’d like to give you the aforementioned “Great” Scott’s Great Advice. This week’s advice is to go see True Grit. I don’t give movies 10s arbitrarily, but this one pretty much gets one. Great acting from everyone involved. I thought Matt Damon was going to cornball it up too much, but he did a good job playing just corny enough without going overboard.
Okay folks, enough of the foreplay, let’s get down and dirty.
Well, it’s a new year, which probably doesn’t mean
anything in the WWE Universe.
My evidence? Well, they’re
giving us the same matches (albeit with different
stipulations) that we’ve seen at least three times
Things don’t start out well, as the same shitty announce team has apparently reassembled to assault my senses. And, speaking of shitty…
Edge vs. Kane (Last Man Standing Match)
Because of the epic-ness of the match, Tony Chimel comes out to do the “this is an important match” announcement of the combatants.
Kane goes for a punch right away, but Edge ducks and hits a few of his own. This offense doesn’t last long, as Kane no sells and goes to work in the corner. Kane busts out the second-level moves right away as he performs a snapmare and a seated dropkick. He tries to follow with an Irish whip, but Edge busts out a neck breaker. Unfortunately, that’s all Kane permits, as he hits a side slam next. This match is already annoying me, as Kane charges and ends up on the floor. Edge continues to prevent Kane from getting back in the ring by kicking him back to the floor. Eventually, Edge heads outside, so Kane punches him and drops him on the safety barricade. It must suck for the ref to have to count EVERY time a guy is down. Edge leisurely walks up the ramp, so Kane follows and weakly beats on him. Edge continues to randomly walk away, which is just a clever ploy for him to turn around and bop Kane in the face. Now the two men are walking around back…fun. Kane slams Edge’s head into a water fountain and then into the cage of a closed snack bar. What the hell? Where am I going to get my Reese’s Pieces?
Next, the two men are in the crowd. Kane teases a chokeslam, but Edge fights out. This match has had a lot of walking in it. Kane retreats by walking up the steps. They’re in the cheap seats now, and Edge slams Kane into what looks like another closed snack bar. How does this arena make any money? At a six count, Kane gets up and hits Edge with a garbage can. He follows with a stiff uppercut and another head slam to a random object (a bench this time). Kane then sees a stair cases and the camera sorta’ tells the story…as Kane puts Edge in a coincidentally placed wheelchair. He goes to push the wheelchair down the stairs, but Edge escapes and boots Kane in the face. Kane stays down for a five count, but gets up in time for us to go to commercial break. Thank goodness, I have to calm down after this awesome walkfest with headslams to random objects peppered in.
When we return the action has oozed (the most appropriate verb I could think of) back toward the ring, Kane tosses Edge over the security wall back into the ringside area. Kane slams Edge’s head onto the apron and then begins dismantling the announce table. Nothing’s going to happen because he didn’t take the monitors out…HASN’T KANE EVER PLAYED SMACKDOWN VS. RAW!!
Edge reverses an Irish whip and sends Kane to the ring steps. That’s enough to keep Kane down for eight (not nine like dumbass Cole says). Back in the ring, Edge goes for a flying…something…but Kane uppercuts him and both men are sorta’ down. Edge stays down for an eight count, but gets up in time for Kane to slam him back down. Kane heads to the top, but misses his “flying” clothesline, allowing Edge to kick him in the stomach and hit a DDT. Kane makes it up, and Edge walks right into a chokeslam. This match has absolutely no psychology or flow to it whatsoever…each guy gets to do one move, and then the other guy does one. The ref is counting…eight…nine….noooooo, Edge makes it the ropes, and then falls through them. More head slamming follows, as do some punches. Kane removes the top section of ring steps, and then sets up Edge for the tombstone on the lower portion. Edge holds onto the ring post, and then lands the Edge-o-matic on the steps. Edge gets up and Kane is still down at seven. Kane, however, prolongs my agony by getting up at a little after eight. Edge makes his spear face, but runs right into a boot from Kane. Is Kane actually selling the back injury? Wow! Of course, this doesn’t last long, as Kane hoists Edge up and chokeslams him through the announce table. Matt Striker lays on the ground like he’s posing for Playgirl…I think his headset is stuck under the wreckage. Ohhhhh, it’s apparently part of the script, because Edge uses Striker to get back up. He stays up just long enough to stumble back in the ring. Kane throws some chairs in the ring, which is ingenious considering he can only use one, two tops. Kane climbs to the rope with another chair. Why the hell did he throw all of those chairs in the ring, then? CAN ANYTHING IN THIS MATCH MAKE ANY SENSE?! Edge takes one of the two or three chairs in the ring and throws it at Kane, who falls off the top rope. Edge goes to town on Kane with a chair and then hits a spear. Edge gets another chair and con-CHAIR-tos Kane’s leg. Kane flounders around a bit, and tries to use the ropes to get up, but his “horribly mangled” knee won’t allow him to get back up. Sigh.
Michael Cole cements his tool-ness by saying that was one of the most grueling matches he’s ever seen. I will agree with him there…it was grueling to watch. That match was 70 percent walking, 10 percent punching, five percent guys getting their heads slammed into things, and five percent miscellaneous other stuff. Dull. Please get Kane out of the title picture…now.
Hopefully, the next match will offset how dull that first match was. My fingers are crossed.
The Dilemma looks terrible, but at least Clint Howard’s getting some work!
Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston (IC Title Match)
Kingston goes to work early, punching and kicking Ziggler in the corner. Ziggler gets a boot up on a corner charge and takes control. Ziggler doesn’t learn and HE gets caught on a corner charge. Kingston tries to follow up with a top rope cross body, but Ziggler ducks and lays the boots to him. Kingston fights back with punches, but Ziggler lands a knee and a neck breaker. After a failed pin attempt, Ziggler applies a side chinlock. Kingston fights up and lands a pair of axehandles to Ziggler’s bread basket. Ziggler tries to regain control with a corner splash, but he misses. Kingston hits a pair double chops and a dropkick, but misses his leaping clothesline. Things get back-and-forthy from there, punctuated with a boom-boom-boom legdrop from Kingston. Kingston signals Trouble in Paradise, but Ziggler ducks and applies a sleeper. Kofi fights out with a jaw breaker and both men are down. Ziggler goes for a clothesline when both men get up, but Kingston ducks and hits the ranhei to get a 2.998 count. Kingston slowly goes to the top rope, but Ziggler cuts him off and tries for a superplex. Kingston blocks and drops Ziggler face-first to the mat. Ziggler staggers right into a cross body block from Kingston, who…gets the win? Huh?
Winner: Kofi Kingsotn
After the match, Ziggler attacks Kingston and hits the Zig Zag. Vickie gets on the mic and screams that Teddy Long isn’t in the arena so she’s making a rematch. Whatever.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston (IC Title Match…Again)
Yeah, two seconds later, Kingston hits Trouble in Paradise and Ziggler loses again.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
Rating: I’m not even going to bother.
After the second “match” Vickie angrily stands over Dolph Ziggler. At least maybe they’re jobbing him for all these matches so they can end this horrible angle.
Well, so far, the WWE has started off with a bang…and that bang is half of the audience shooting themselves in the face. WWE’s handling of pushing guys is absolutely ridiculous. Could you imagine if you ran a business like this? Okay, Bill, we’re promoting you to a management position. Tomorrow, we’re going to demote you and cut your pay. Then, we’re going to promote you again, only to fire you three days later. Then, when we’re interviewing for your position, we’ll hire you back, and then promote you again three days later. Finally, we’re going to give you shitty work assignments until you qui or we forget about you and eventually dismiss you. Seriously, does everyone on the WWE writing staff have ADD?
When we return from the commercial…agony. Trust me…agony.
Next, we’re treated to the RAW Rebound. Apparently, on RAW, Randy Orton, Sheamus, and Wade Barrett fought in a steel cage match to be number one contender. Guess who won? The only interesting part of the match was CM Punk coming out to screw Wade Barrett, who I’m assuming is out of Nexus now.
Ahhhhh, sweet lord. Now we have to sit through a Kelly Kelly/Drew McIntyre segment. We learn that, somehow, Drew McIntyre is in a number one contender’s match. WWE furthers the retarded factor by putting Big Show and Cody Rhodes in the match, too. Really? No Del Rio? Swagger? Mysterio? I don’t know how much longer I can do this.
Hey, Tough Enough is coming back! Great, more superstars who’ll stick around for a month or two, job to everyone, and get cut! Fun!
Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Drew McIntyre (Number One Contender’s Match)
I’m still amazed that WWE thought it would be profitable to create Drew McIntyre t-shirts.
DAMN IT TO HELL! STOP PUTTING VICKIE ON MY TELEVISION!!
Apparently, she’s out to put Dolph Ziggler in the match so he can inevitably lose again. Now it’s a fatal four way, but I’m not typing the title again.
Any guy winning this but Big Show would be good, so you have to know he’s going to win. I’m actually sorta’ interested in this thing, so I’m going to watch instead of doing blow-by-blow.
Most of this match consists of Big Show making the other three guys look like morons. Hell, Drew McIntyre doesn’t spend 20 consecutive seconds in the ring. One semi-cool spot sees all three guys running Big Show through the security barricade. Unfortunately, as WWE always does, they use the coolest move of the match as a springboard to commercials.
After the commercial, the match gets infinitely better with less Big Show. Eventually, Wade Barrett adds to the clusterfuck that this night has been by beating up the Big Show and leaving. Whatever. To prove how brutal Wade Barrett’s beatdown is, every guy hits his finisher on Big Show and he kicks out of all three. Finally, Ziggler cons Rhodes into going after a prone Big Show, only to hit the Zig Zag on Rhodes.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
That match had high points and low points; almost all low points centered on Big Show making the other guys look like pansies. I do like the ending, with Ziggler continuing to use smarts and cheating (although I wouldn’t mind if Vickie didn’t have to be so involved) to beat guys. However, it’s kind of awesome that they’re “pushing” Ziggler by having him technically lose four matches (two to Cena and two to Kingston) before winning this one. (Yes, I realize he did win the three-way mach, but come on.) Again, the logic of the WWE is awesome.
Local talent and lower mid-carders BEWARE!! Ezekiel Jackson is coming to SmackDown.
I don’t believe how bad this show is, and now it’s going to get worse.
Michelle McCool (with Layla and visible rib cage) vs. Kelly Kelly
The two women “wrestle” poorly. Eventually, Michelle wins.
Winner: Michelle McCool
I’ll give this match one Tony because it’s grrrrrreat that no one ended up paralyzed.
After the match, LayCool begins a beatdown of Kelly Kelly. Drew McIntyre comes out to make the save. This angle is GRIPPING!
Well, after another commercial break, the main event begins. Wow, they’re giving this one thirty minutes.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio (Best of Three Falls Match)
Let me tell you something. The best performance of the night so far has been given by Del Rio’s announcer.
Before Mysterio comes out, Del Rio takes the mic and says that he’s destined to win the Royal Rumble. Then, he says that there’s Alberto Del Rio, and there are car washers, gardeners, and Rey Mysterio. Ouch.
I guess with all of the Rey Mysterio masks they sell, the WWE can afford to lose a buttload on the Drew McIntyre shirts.
Before the match, I’d like to note that they’ve wasted eight minutes with commercials and slow entrances. 22 minutes for the main event.
Del Rio starts with a wicked fast kick and brutalizes Rey for a minute or so until Rey hits a boot to stop a corner charge. Mysterio goes for a quick 619, but Del Rio moves and locks on the cross arm breaker. Rey quickly (and smartly) taps out so he doesn’t suffer major damage. Good psychology there, in an evening that has had little of it. While Del Rio celebrates, we go to what I’m hoping are the final set of commercials.
After the break, Del Rio is still working the arm. Rey punches his way out, but he bounces off the ropes and runs right into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Del Rio tries for a second backbreaker, but Rey escapes. Del Rio, however, slides him out of the ring. Rey stops Del Rio’s momentum with a shoulder to the gut and a flying head scissors. Rey hits a knee in the corner, an elbow, and…well, we have a little back and forth, and Del Rio has the cross arm breaker locked on again! Rey quickly turns the hold into a pin. Del Rio escapes, the action gets crazy, and Rey manages to roll up Del Rio with a la magistral cradle to even the score at one pin apiece. Nice.
Unfortunately, we go to another commercial break.
Let’s go to Mamby Pamby Land, ya’ JACKWAGON! I hope the guy in the Geico commercial with the drill sergeant psychiatrist doesn’t go into the bathroom and blow his head off.
After that set of commercials, Del Rio is still working on Rey’s arm. Rey kicks his way out of the hold, but Del Rio kicks him in the back and stays on top of things. Del Rio fails to get a pinfall after flinging Rey into the corner. He follows up by propping Mysterio on the top rope and trying to remove his mask. Rey fights back and hits a crazy missile headbutt on Del Rio. Ouch. Rey hits a pair of knee strikes and a springboard bodypress to follow. He reels off a pair of kicks, but falls prey to a falling armbreaker by Del Rio. A nice exchange follows that sees Rey nail Del Rio with a modified tornado DDT. Rey tries to follow up by going to the top, but Del Rio trips him up. Del Rio decides he’s going to go to the top and threatens to suplex Mysterio out of the ring, but Rey fights back. Del Rio adapts and drapes Mysterio’s arm over the top rope. Del Rio, still on the apron, slams Rey into the opposite corner, but misses a charge. Rey hits a different version of the 619 on Del Rio, as he’s stuck between the ropes. Del Rio falls to the floor. Ricardo Rodriguez tries to help Del Rio, but Rey leaps onto both of them. Rey rolls Del Rio in, but Rodriguez recovers in time to grab Mysterio’s leg. Rey can’t beat the count and loses the third fall.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
That match was by far the best of an otherwise weak crop. It made both men look credible, and the right guy won. There was enough action while still having some decent psychology. Good stuff.
After the match, Del Rio leaves Rodriguez to get brutalized by Mysterio. While it seems illogical, it makes sense considering Del Rio’s disdain for “lesser” Latinos. He considers Rodriguez a lesser Latino, so he lets him take the brunt of the beating. It’s good to see a little bit of logical character development in the WWE Universe.
As a late Christmas gift, we find out that Big Show vs. Wade Barrett is signed for next week! That is the very definition of a classic.
Well, awards shouldn’t be very hard to give out this week.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: The main event.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: Pretty much everything else, but I’ll give the award to a glut of Vickie Guerrero.
Well, I’m thinking the WWE has decided to set the bar nice and low on this first show of the year…there’s nowhere to go but up from the pile of crap I just sat through.
I’m “Great” Scott and I just sat through two hours of crap so you didn’t have to…I expect thank you cards from each and every one of you bastards.
See you next week, if you’re lucky. I need some aspirin.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).