Happy New Year,
folks! It is now officially 2010 and I cannot think
of a better way to start a glorious new decade than
by watching Smackdown. OK, I lied, I can think of
several, but that's beside the point.
action begins, we get a nice little video package
featuring the Batista-Rey Mysterio-Undertaker
shenanigans from the past couple of weeks. I, for
one, am pleasantly surprised Rey got to basically
look like the better of the three.
But enough of
that! We have pyro! We have ballyhoo! We have the
first Smackdown of 2010! Or the first piece of WWE
wrestling of 2010 for that matter. Tonight, several
men will battle for the chance to become #1
Contender to the World Heavyweight Championship as
well as the Intercontinental Championship match
between John Morrison and Drew McIntyre.
CM Punk and
Luke Gallows head to the ring as I notice Punk's
beard is starting to become very similar to the one
possessed by Mike Knox. Punk belittles the crowd for
not being able to keep their New Year's resolutions,
singling out one fat fellow in particular. Fatty
really doesn't seem to mind and actually looks quite
pleased with all the attention he's getting. Didn't
quite work out as planned, eh Punk? Punk asks the
crowd to stand for a pledge and begins to recite
some moralistic garbage that the crowd ignores, but
I totally join in on. Of course, until Punk starts
on the straigtedge lifestyle stuff, because I
already follow that. Punk threatens to beat up the
entire crowd, but backs down, instead promising to
save a member of the audience next week. As I begin
to think about which FCW star could beat up Punk
during one of these "savings" (my money's on the
former Ryback, Skip Sheffield), I realize Punk is
rapidly becoming a modern-day, hairy Brother Love.
Punk promises to win the Beat the Clock challenge
and eventually win the World Heavyweight
Championship before Matt Hardy's music hits. That
match comes after the break.
THOUGHT: Hey, remember Super Crazy pinning Mr.
Kennedy during a similar Beat the Clock challenge on
RAW a couple years ago, but recieving no title shot?
Hope that doesn't happen tonight.
Matt Hardy vs. CM Punk W/ Luke Gallows (Beat the
Clock Challenge Match)
tie-up, Hardy goes for several roll-ups, all of
which fail to get a 3 count. From there, Matt works
an armbar, but Punk fights out, only for Hardy to
hit a legsweep. Hardy hits the old suplex facebuster
that Jeff used to do a lot for 2. Punk breaks free
for a bit and goes for a springboard clothesline,
but Hardy blocks it with a punch for 2. Punk
reverses an Irish whip and kicks Matt in the back
for 1. A neckbreaker also gets 2. Punk works a
headscissor headlock for a while, then throws a
rising Matt to the mat (PUNS!) for 1. Kick to the
face gets 2, as a does a back suplex. Punk works a
headlock until Hardy fights out with a back suplex.
A clothesline gets 2, as does the corner
clothesline-bulldog combo. A Side Effect gets 2 as
well. Get used to these "get 2" lines folks, you'll
be seeing plenty of them. Punk blocks the Twist of
Fate and scoops up Matt for the GTS to win it.
WINNER: CM Punk.
TIME TO BEAT- 7:20. Post-match, Gallows
hits the Gallow's Pole (Must...not...make...sexual
joke) as Punk makes a reference to The Thing by
yelling "It's clobberin' time!". For who? You're
done wrestling for the night. Then we get a graphic
for the other Beat the Clock matches, which are Rey
vs. Jericho, Batista vs. R-Truth, and Kane vs. Dolph
Ziggerl. Crap. I hate to see Ziggler go the way of
the caveman (and by that, I mean Mike Knox).
THOUGHT: Ohio State beat Oregon. I called it.
Kane vs. Dolph Ziggler (Beat the Clock Challenge
for a single leg takedown, but Kane blocks it,
leading to about a solid minute of...amateur
wrestling? Who knew Parts Unknown had a varsity
team? From there, Ziggler finally gets a hold of
Kane's leg and devotes a solid minute to working it
over before Kane punches his way out and hits a
clothesline for 2. Delayed vertical suplex gets 2,
as does the low dropkick. Kane goes for a big
back body drop, but Ziggler reverses it into a DDT
for 2. Ziggler gets 2 with a neck snap, then works a
headlock. Kane reverses it into a body slam for 2,
but Ziggler rebounds with the Fameasser for 2.
Multiple elbow drops also get 2. Ziggler works
another headlock, but Kane fights out and hits a big
boot for 2. A side slam also gets 2, as does a
powerslam. Kane tries to go up top, but Ziggler
meets him up there, only to get shoved off. The
clothesline of good intentions connects, but it only
gets 2. Kane goes for a chokeslam, but Ziggler
blocks it and applies a sleeper hold until time
WINNER: Nobody. This
frusterates Ziggler, who hits a Zig-Zag on Kane as
Punk and Gallows gloat backstage. Would somebody
please get Punk a shirt? His hairy pecs are giving
me the shivers.
THOUGHT: Wait a minute, women can go bald? I had no
It's time for
the RAW Rebound, showcasing one of the worst title
rematches in recent memory. I kid you not, they
showed the entire match during the recap. It's that
short and that uneventful. And who decided Sheamus
should get DQed by yanking the ref's shirt instead
of clobbering Cena with a chair is an idiot.
Monsters look like monsters when they hurt people,
not when they look like they're running from a
The Carolina Panther vs. The Great Khali W/O Ranjin
Sadly, it's not
a man in a panther costume, but rather a
hick-looking fellow in a Julius Peppers jersey. Oh,
and he eats Punjabi Plunge.
WINNER: The Great Khali.
But where in the world is Ranjin Singh?
THOUGHT: AH! VINCE! KEEP HIM AWAY!
Interontinental Champion Drew McIntyre vs.
John Morrison-After Commercials? What?! Did I Miss
THOUGT: I wonder...are there any white guys named
things off with some punches and a spinny kick for
2. Morrison clotheslines McIntyre to the outside and
lands a moonsault, with his knee connecting directly
with McIntyre's head. McIntyre's expression after is
the perfect "Ahhh! FUCK!" look. Morrison rolls
McIntyre back in the ring for 2 and looks to hit a
springboard move, but McIntyre kicks him while he's
on the apron and his foot gets caught in the ropes.
McIntyre targets the leg from there until Morrison
counters with a leaping enziguri...which he hit
while leaping off the ground. This guy is awesome. A
Pele kick gets 2 as AJ Styles calls his lawyer.
Morrison hits a springboard Chuck kick (or "Flying
Chuck" as it's apparently called) for 2. Morrison
tries to go for the Moonlight Drive, but McIntyre
blocks the attempt and hits a tilt-a-whirl
backbreaker for 2. McIntyre rips the pad off the
turnbuckle, but Morrison is there with punches as
the ref tries to move them so he can put the pad
back on. McIntyre shoves Morrison into the ref and
this draws a lame DQ finish.
WINNER BY DISQUALIFICATION AND
STILL INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION: Drew
McIntyre. This lame finish pisses Morrison off and
leads to a brawl between the two men, with an army
of referees eventually separating them.
THOUGHT: I saw the tiger.
McBitch and Layla are at ringside with custom
shirts. Layla's proclaims "We Heart Glamazon" while
Michelle's reads "We Hate Piggie James" and has a
picture of a fat person with a slash through it. I'm
actually considering buying the "We Heart Glamazon"
shirt if it ever turns up on wweshop.com. On to the
match, though, which features (you guessed it!)....
Beth Phoenix vs. Mickie James
off with some punches, but Beth counters with a
backbreaker for 2. Mickie manages to rebound with a
top rope Thesz press, but Layla on the apron keeps
her from going for the pin. While the ref deals with
Layla, Michelle tries to kick Mickie, but oh noes,
she kicked Beth instead! Mickie rolls up Beth for
WINNER: Mickie James.
Layla and Michelle try to attack Mickie after the
match, but Beth properly disposes of both of them.
She then hilariously gives Mickie the weakest high
five ever before nailing her with a Glam Slam. Why?
'Cause! Jericho is making his way to the ring as we
go to the break.
THOUGHT: Sorry Legion, but The Exorcist
III did Spider Granny twenty times better than
the ring and decides to put off wrestling for a bit
by chatting with us. Jericho says he's bigger than
Smackdown and promises to defeat DX and return to
RAW so he can become the face of not only Smackdown
and RAW, but the whole WWE. Jericho declares he'll
win every title in the WWE in this year alone (if
this means he's going after Michelle, then I'm all
for it), but Rey Mysterio's music interrupts him as
we go to the break.
THOUGHT: I'm really having trouble seeing the
vampires as bad guys in Daybreakers. I
mean, if they're a majority of the population and
they need food to survive, I'm all for giving up
blood to them.
Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio (Beat the
Clock Challenge Match)
off all over Rey, finally throwing him out of the
ring. Rey manages to get back in the ring at 7 and
hits a springboard crossbody for 2. Jericho rebounds
with a clothesline and a back suplex (each getting
2) and it's pretty much all Jericho from there until
Rey sets up for a 619 following a hurricarana.
Jericho dodges and hits a big back body drop for 2.
Rey manages to block a corner charge and hits what
looks like a top rope shoulderblock, but Striker
calls it a diving headbutt. SHADES OF MAN WHO NEVER
EXISTED! Rey blocks a Walls of Jericho attempt, but
Jericho responds with a tilt-a-whirl torture rack
for 2. Rey sets up for another 619, but Jericho
grabs his legs and slaps on the Walls instead. Rey
fights out and sets up for a 619, which finally
connects, but when he goes for the seated senton,
Jericho hits a Codebreaker. Jericho crawls to Rey to
make the cover, but only gets 2. While Jericho
argues with the ref, Rey rolls him up and gets the
pin with 1 second left.
WINNER: Rey Mysterio.
TIME TO BEAT- 7:19.
THOUGHT: WHY GIVE VINCE SHARP OBJECTS?! NOT SAFE!
Rey pulls up a
chair and decides to hang out at ringside to watch
Batista's match. Nothing suspicious about that,
THOUGHT (I'm not kidding there's another. What's
with all these commercials?): I elected to watch
bits of the Sugar Bowl instead. Damn, Florida killed
R-Truth vs. Batista (Beat the Clock
this match with his usual generic hossiness, but
Truth manages to dodge a corner charge and hit a
drop toehold. Batista manages to use his RAW POWER
to break free and goes for the Batista Bomb, but
Truth escapes and kicks Batista in the face, sending
him out of the ring. Truth hits a suicide dive and
rolls Batista back in the ring at 8, but Big Dave
slams Truth into the ring post while he's on the
apron, then tosses him into the steel steps. Truth
tries to come back with a series of punches, but
Batista hits a Black Hole Slam for 2 as Abyss tries
to remember if his gimmick will allow him to call a
lawyer. Batista goes for a spear, but Truth blocks
it with a DDT for 2. Truth hits the spinning axe
kick, but Batista kicks out at 2, destroying any
credibility the move had as a finisher. Truth goes
up top, but Batista shoves off the missile dropkick
attempt and hits a spear. A spinebuster follows and
then Batista hits the Batista Bomb as time winds
down. As the ref is counting, Rey pulls him out of
the ring and time expires.
WINNER: Nobody. Well,
except Rey Mysterio, who becomes the #1 Contender
now. Suddenly, Vickie waddles out to the ramp and
declares since Rey kinda-sorta cheated, he'll have
to face Batista next week to determine the real #1
Contender. Damn. They're certainly shoving Rey vs.
Batista down our throats.
Ah well. That's
it for the first Smackdown of 2010. Here's to hoping
for many more and hopefully, some better writing to
go along with them.