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LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN
(01/01/10)
BY SHANE STEELE
Happy New Year, folks! It is now officially 2010 and I cannot think of a better way to start a glorious new decade than by watching Smackdown. OK, I lied, I can think of several, but that's beside the point.
 
Before the action begins, we get a nice little video package featuring the Batista-Rey Mysterio-Undertaker shenanigans from the past couple of weeks. I, for one, am pleasantly surprised Rey got to basically look like the better of the three.
 
But enough of that! We have pyro! We have ballyhoo! We have the first Smackdown of 2010! Or the first piece of WWE wrestling of 2010 for that matter. Tonight, several men will battle for the chance to become #1 Contender to the World Heavyweight Championship as well as the Intercontinental Championship match between John Morrison and Drew McIntyre.
 
CM Punk and Luke Gallows head to the ring as I notice Punk's beard is starting to become very similar to the one possessed by Mike Knox. Punk belittles the crowd for not being able to keep their New Year's resolutions, singling out one fat fellow in particular. Fatty really doesn't seem to mind and actually looks quite pleased with all the attention he's getting. Didn't quite work out as planned, eh Punk? Punk asks the crowd to stand for a pledge and begins to recite some moralistic garbage that the crowd ignores, but I totally join in on. Of course, until Punk starts on the straigtedge lifestyle stuff, because I already follow that. Punk threatens to beat up the entire crowd, but backs down, instead promising to save a member of the audience next week. As I begin to think about which FCW star could beat up Punk during one of these "savings" (my money's on the former Ryback, Skip Sheffield), I realize Punk is rapidly becoming a modern-day, hairy Brother Love. Punk promises to win the Beat the Clock challenge and eventually win the World Heavyweight Championship before Matt Hardy's music hits. That match comes after the break.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Hey, remember Super Crazy pinning Mr. Kennedy during a similar Beat the Clock challenge on RAW a couple years ago, but recieving no title shot? Hope that doesn't happen tonight.
 
Matt Hardy vs. CM Punk W/ Luke Gallows (Beat the Clock Challenge Match)
 
Following the tie-up, Hardy goes for several roll-ups, all of which fail to get a 3 count. From there, Matt works an armbar, but Punk fights out, only for Hardy to hit a legsweep. Hardy hits the old suplex facebuster that Jeff used to do a lot for 2. Punk breaks free for a bit and goes for a springboard clothesline, but Hardy blocks it with a punch for 2. Punk reverses an Irish whip and kicks Matt in the back for 1. A neckbreaker also gets 2. Punk works a headscissor headlock for a while, then throws a rising Matt to the mat (PUNS!) for 1. Kick to the face gets 2, as a does a back suplex. Punk works a headlock until Hardy fights out with a back suplex. A clothesline gets 2, as does the corner clothesline-bulldog combo. A Side Effect gets 2 as well. Get used to these "get 2" lines folks, you'll be seeing plenty of them. Punk blocks the Twist of Fate and scoops up Matt for the GTS to win it.
 
WINNER: CM Punk.
TIME TO BEAT- 7:20. Post-match, Gallows hits the Gallow's Pole (Must...not...make...sexual joke) as Punk makes a reference to The Thing by yelling "It's clobberin' time!". For who? You're done wrestling for the night. Then we get a graphic for the other Beat the Clock matches, which are Rey vs. Jericho, Batista vs. R-Truth, and Kane vs. Dolph Ziggerl. Crap. I hate to see Ziggler go the way of the caveman (and by that, I mean Mike Knox).
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Ohio State beat Oregon. I called it.
 
Kane vs. Dolph Ziggler (Beat the Clock Challenge Match)
 
Ziggler tries for a single leg takedown, but Kane blocks it, leading to about a solid minute of...amateur wrestling? Who knew Parts Unknown had a varsity team? From there, Ziggler finally gets a hold of Kane's leg and devotes a solid minute to working it over before Kane punches his way out and hits a clothesline for 2. Delayed vertical suplex gets 2, as does the low dropkick.  Kane goes for a big back body drop, but Ziggler reverses it into a DDT for 2. Ziggler gets 2 with a neck snap, then works a headlock. Kane reverses it into a body slam for 2, but Ziggler rebounds with the Fameasser for 2. Multiple elbow drops also get 2. Ziggler works another headlock, but Kane fights out and hits a big boot for 2. A side slam also gets 2, as does a powerslam. Kane tries to go up top, but Ziggler meets him up there, only to get shoved off. The clothesline of good intentions connects, but it only gets 2. Kane goes for a chokeslam, but Ziggler blocks it and applies a sleeper hold until time expires.
 
WINNER: Nobody. This frusterates Ziggler, who hits a Zig-Zag on Kane as Punk and Gallows gloat backstage. Would somebody please get Punk a shirt? His hairy pecs are giving me the shivers.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Wait a minute, women can go bald? I had no idea.
 
It's time for the RAW Rebound, showcasing one of the worst title rematches in recent memory. I kid you not, they showed the entire match during the recap. It's that short and that uneventful. And who decided Sheamus should get DQed by yanking the ref's shirt instead of clobbering Cena with a chair is an idiot. Monsters look like monsters when they hurt people, not when they look like they're running from a challenge.
 
The Carolina Panther vs. The Great Khali W/O Ranjin Singh (?)
 
Sadly, it's not a man in a panther costume, but rather a hick-looking fellow in a Julius Peppers jersey. Oh, and he eats Punjabi Plunge.
 
WINNER: The Great Khali. But where in the world is Ranjin Singh?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: AH! VINCE! KEEP HIM AWAY!
 
Interontinental Champion Drew McIntyre vs. John Morrison-After Commercials? What?! Did I Miss Something?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGT: I wonder...are there any white guys named Orlando?
 
Morrison starts things off with some punches and a spinny kick for 2. Morrison clotheslines McIntyre to the outside and lands a moonsault, with his knee connecting directly with McIntyre's head. McIntyre's expression after is the perfect "Ahhh! FUCK!" look. Morrison rolls McIntyre back in the ring for 2 and looks to hit a springboard move, but McIntyre kicks him while he's on the apron and his foot gets caught in the ropes. McIntyre targets the leg from there until Morrison counters with a leaping enziguri...which he hit while leaping off the ground. This guy is awesome. A Pele kick gets 2 as AJ Styles calls his lawyer. Morrison hits a springboard Chuck kick (or "Flying Chuck" as it's apparently called) for 2. Morrison tries to go for the Moonlight Drive, but McIntyre blocks the attempt and hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2. McIntyre rips the pad off the turnbuckle, but Morrison is there with punches as the ref tries to move them so he can put the pad back on. McIntyre shoves Morrison into the ref and this draws a lame DQ finish.
 
WINNER BY DISQUALIFICATION AND STILL INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION: Drew McIntyre. This lame finish pisses Morrison off and leads to a brawl between the two men, with an army of referees eventually separating them.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I saw the tiger.
 
Michelle McBitch and Layla are at ringside with custom shirts. Layla's proclaims "We Heart Glamazon" while Michelle's reads "We Hate Piggie James" and has a picture of a fat person with a slash through it. I'm actually considering buying the "We Heart Glamazon" shirt if it ever turns up on wweshop.com. On to the match, though, which features (you guessed it!)....
 
Beth Phoenix vs. Mickie James
 
Mickie starts off with some punches, but Beth counters with a backbreaker for 2. Mickie manages to rebound with a top rope Thesz press, but Layla on the apron keeps her from going for the pin. While the ref deals with Layla, Michelle tries to kick Mickie, but oh noes, she kicked Beth instead! Mickie rolls up Beth for the 1-2-3.
 
WINNER: Mickie James. Layla and Michelle try to attack Mickie after the match, but Beth properly disposes of both of them. She then hilariously gives Mickie the weakest high five ever before nailing her with a Glam Slam. Why? 'Cause! Jericho is making his way to the ring as we go to the break.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Sorry Legion, but The Exorcist III did Spider Granny twenty times better than you guys.
 
Jericho hits the ring and decides to put off wrestling for a bit by chatting with us. Jericho says he's bigger than Smackdown and promises to defeat DX and return to RAW so he can become the face of not only Smackdown and RAW, but the whole WWE. Jericho declares he'll win every title in the WWE in this year alone (if this means he's going after Michelle, then I'm all for it), but Rey Mysterio's music interrupts him as we go to the break.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I'm really having trouble seeing the vampires as bad guys in Daybreakers. I mean, if they're a majority of the population and they need food to survive, I'm all for giving up blood to them.
 
Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio (Beat the Clock Challenge Match)
 
Jericho starts off all over Rey, finally throwing him out of the ring. Rey manages to get back in the ring at 7 and hits a springboard crossbody for 2. Jericho rebounds with a clothesline and a back suplex (each getting 2) and it's pretty much all Jericho from there until Rey sets up for a 619 following a hurricarana. Jericho dodges and hits a big back body drop for 2. Rey manages to block a corner charge and hits what looks like a top rope shoulderblock, but Striker calls it a diving headbutt. SHADES OF MAN WHO NEVER EXISTED! Rey blocks a Walls of Jericho attempt, but Jericho responds with a tilt-a-whirl torture rack for 2. Rey sets up for another 619, but Jericho grabs his legs and slaps on the Walls instead. Rey fights out and sets up for a 619, which finally connects, but when he goes for the seated senton, Jericho hits a Codebreaker. Jericho crawls to Rey to make the cover, but only gets 2. While Jericho argues with the ref, Rey rolls him up and gets the pin with 1 second left.
 
WINNER: Rey Mysterio.
TIME TO BEAT- 7:19.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: WHY GIVE VINCE SHARP OBJECTS?! NOT SAFE! NOT SAFE!
 
Rey pulls up a chair and decides to hang out at ringside to watch Batista's match. Nothing suspicious about that, right?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT (I'm not kidding there's another. What's with all these commercials?): I elected to watch bits of the Sugar Bowl instead. Damn, Florida killed Cinncinati.
 
R-Truth vs. Batista (Beat the Clock Challenge Match)
 
Batista begins this match with his usual generic hossiness, but Truth manages to dodge a corner charge and hit a drop toehold. Batista manages to use his RAW POWER to break free and goes for the Batista Bomb, but Truth escapes and kicks Batista in the face, sending him out of the ring. Truth hits a suicide dive and rolls Batista back in the ring at 8, but Big Dave slams Truth into the ring post while he's on the apron, then tosses him into the steel steps. Truth tries to come back with a series of punches, but Batista hits a Black Hole Slam for 2 as Abyss tries to remember if his gimmick will allow him to call a lawyer. Batista goes for a spear, but Truth blocks it with a DDT for 2. Truth hits the spinning axe kick, but Batista kicks out at 2, destroying any credibility the move had as a finisher. Truth goes up top, but Batista shoves off the missile dropkick attempt and hits a spear. A spinebuster follows and then Batista hits the Batista Bomb as time winds down. As the ref is counting, Rey pulls him out of the ring and time expires.
 
WINNER: Nobody. Well, except Rey Mysterio, who becomes the #1 Contender now. Suddenly, Vickie waddles out to the ramp and declares since Rey kinda-sorta cheated, he'll have to face Batista next week to determine the real #1 Contender. Damn. They're certainly shoving Rey vs. Batista down our throats.
 
Ah well. That's it for the first Smackdown of 2010. Here's to hoping for many more and hopefully, some better writing to go along with them.
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).