Greetings one and all and welcome to the Lowdown on Smackdown! I'm your host, Shane Steele,
and you better love this review because I had to SUFFER for it.
We kick off the show with a replay of Big Show punching out Undertaker at No Mercy, which
looks like it really hurt. Looks like those frying pan sized hands really come in handy (no pun intended). As a reward, Show
will face Triple H for the WWE Championship tonight. Wonder who'll get DQ'ed.
But EXCUSE ME! Vickie Guerrero is in the ring with Chavo. Apparently, she's still ticked about
that whole getting Tombestoned deal. Chavo just stands there looking nervous and bored. Vickie looks like the world's most
evil, disgruntled poodle ever with her neckbrace. She says she's rewarding Show for punching out 'Taker with the title shot
tonight and brings out the big smiling goof himself. Despite the fact that Show had Khali and Fat Man beat the crap out of
him last week, Chavo claps along with Vickie. Show gloats about winning and gives us another replay from No Mercy. If this
is anything like that Unforgiven footage, I may tear my hair out. Show calls his fist the equalizer and rattles off a list
of people he's punched out. He says he'll beat Trips and become champ. But hold everything! Here comes COMMUNISM in the form
of Vladimir Kozlov. After a bit of Russian gibberish, he drops the act and says he will challenge whoever wins tonight's match.
Show warns him that 1, he's a giant, and 2, he's American. So what, that makes him better? Racist.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Different channel, same shitty Autozone commercial.
Wait, that's it? Everyone just has a good chuckle and walks off? WTF?
Brie Bella vs. Natalya W/ Victoria
Brie starts off with a Thesz press, but Natalya quickly throws her off. Brie dodges a corner and
hits a really crappy crossbody for 1. Then she goes for a backslide for 2. Bella gets in a dropkick, but Natalya follows up
with a stiff clothesline. She works a headlock until Brie escapes and tries a roll-up for 2. Brie rolls out of the ring, and
tries to under the ring, but Victoria grabs her leg. Brie makes it under and Victoria almost goes under too, but what should
pop out to her horror (and mine. And hopefully anyone else's over the age of 10.), but Hornswoggle. Hornswoggle chases Victoria
away while Brie rolls up a confused Natalya for the win.
WINNER: Brie Bella.
Cena comeback promo. This soon? Jeez, do they give him any time to chill out?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: According to my local newscaster, a local woman was knocked out by a dolphin.
In a related story, that same dolphin will be facing off with Big Show next week.
Funaki is talking to himself backstage. R-Truth pops up and out of the blue, asks Funaki what
his real name is. For those who care (and there aren't many of us), it's Kung Fu Naki. We even get a lovely little rap to
the tune of "Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting". Please. Kill me now.
Trips is voting for Cyber Sunday on his cell phone when Jeff Hardy appears and wishes Trips
good luck night, only to turn around and say he probably won't even win. Well, there went the motivation of that first statement.
R-Truth is rapping through the crowd and will wrestle after some commercials.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Seven pieces of chicken isn't really that pricey.
We get a quick replay of Show punching out Khali. HA! Look at the short Indian guru dude run!
R-Truth vs. U.S. Champion Shelton Benjamin (Non-Title Match)
Shelton slams Truth into the corner and fires off loads of punches and stomps. Then he chucks
Truth from the ring and slams him into the barricade. Truth gets back in the ring and takes down Shelton. She goes for an
Irish whip, but Shelton counters that with a clothesline for 2. A headlock is worked for a while until Truth escapes
with a back suplex that gets 2. A clothesline that's followed by a corkscrew forearm get 2. Shelton fights back with a backbreaker
for 2. Shelton goes for a scoop slam, but Truth counters with a roll-up for the win!
WINNER: R-Truth.
Jeff Hardy vs. MVP for the millionth time is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: There is no way a black guy would play as Steve Nash.
A quick Cyber Sunday rundown. I hate that it costs money to vote now. Surprisingly, Goldust's
name gets a lot of cheers.
Jeff Hardy vs. MVP
Even the disembodied head of Gregory Helms is rooting for MVP to win his first one in a while
here. Lesson learned: Never PISS off the urine testers or you'll end up unhap-PEE! Too much?
P goes for the win early with a bunch of roll-ups, but they each get 2. Jeff follows up with
some punches and a clothesline. A facecrusher suplex follows and Jeff is headed for the top, but MVP rolls out of the ring.
COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Just how are those caveman commercials funny?
Hardy hits the spinning enziguri, but MVP counters the crazy corner kick with a kick of his
own for 2. A few knees to the gut. Scoop slam-knee drop combo gets 2. An abdominal stretch is worked. Apparently, if MVP wins
this match, he gets a incentive bonus. Good for MVP. Relevant? Not really We all know how this is gonna work out for P. Hardy
escapes the stretch, but MVP throws him back down. A few headbutts (Kozlov should sue for gimmick infringement) get 2. MVP
works a gutwrench until Hardy counters an Irish whip into the corner into a Whisper in the Wind. Jeff goes on to hit a dropkick
and a pair of crazy corner kicks. Swanton bomb seals it.
WINNER: Jeff Hardy.
HERE COMES COMMUNISM! Kozlov makes his way to the ring. Jeff goes for Whisper in the Wind,
but Vladimir ain't having none of that and nails him with the headbutt.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Guess the rest of Hell was too busy for The Devil to recruit them.
We are treated to a crazy promo for a man named Kizarny who adds an "iz" to just about every
word. Apparently, he's a carnival freak. Did WWE learn nothing from The Oddities?
Maria is here to be worthless and introduce everyone in the upcoming match.
Jesse & Festus and Primo Colon & Carlito vs. Curt Hawkins, Zach Ryder, Kenny
Dykstra, and Ryan Braddock
Festus scares everyone out as soon as the bell rings. Carlito and Hawkins start off. Carlito
hits a sloppy sault onto Hawkins for 2. Hawkins drags him back to his corner, and all the heels get a chance to tag in and
beat on Carlito. Carlito finally escapes a Kenny headlock and tags to Festus, who punches Kenny in the face a few times, hits
a scoop slam, and does a butt drop. The other faces clean house of the heels and Festus hits the flapjack slam for the win.
WINNERS: Jesse, Festus, Primo, and Carlito.
Festus stares stupidly at Maria. I'm sure they'd make a perfect couple. They'd both be certain
they've found someone dumber than themselves.
We get a replay of Show punching out Jericho back when he was IC champ. And still had pants.
Those were the days.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Or you could just kill your best friend. It'd be a lot easier.
MORE CENA RETURN PROMO! Why does it have to be so soon?
We get another replay of Johnny Knoxville making fun of Khali on a web show nobody cares about.
After Khali's match, Runjin Singh says' they'll be another Khali Kiss Cam. DEAR GOD, WHY?!
The Great Khali vs. Three Nameless Losers
Two of the losers are wise and run. The other is an idiot and gets brain chopped and pinned.
WINNER: The Great Khali.
After match, Singh looks into the crowd and finds the ugliest, fattest woman he can see, who
is dumb enough to actually head to the ring. Singh asks her how much she weighs and she actually says "A lot". Moron. Khali
hesitates for a while (heck, even by his standards, she's ugly), then makes out with her. GROSS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Yep, that's totally not a puppet on a stick.
RAW Rebound. Apparently, if you mess with the bull, you get "the horn". I guess "The Animal"
in question is a unicorn.
Next week, Kozlov will face Jeff Hardy. In a promo, Kozlov says more Russian gibberish and,
I kid you not, that he will "break Jeff Hardy in half". Which makes Jeff Rocky and MVP Creed. You know, the charismatic black
guy who had to get totally buried, er, die to awaken a fire in Rocky.
Before the title match, we get COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Gangstas do not do anything that cool.
WWE Champion Triple H vs. Big Show (WWE Championship Match)
Did you know Trips hasn't been pinned since June? I didn't either, until a mystery e-mailer
brought it to my attention. Thanks, whoever you are! Greatly appreciated! Odds of that streak ending tonight don't look too
good.
Trips starts off by firing off a few punches, but Show just tosses him from the ring. Once
he's outside, Show goes after him, but HHH dodges and Show runs smack into the ring post. Once both men are back in the ring,
Show once again tosses Trips and one he comes back in the ring, Show hits him with a sidewalk slam. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That white crap is more valuable than gold?
Show works a headlock for a long time until he transitions to a legdrop for 2. Trips
dodges a corner charge and blocks a second. He leaps onto Show's back and works a sleeper hold until Show throws him off.
Trips dodges the elbow drop follow-up and gets in a facebuster. He's thinking pedigree, but Show hoists him up and slams him
down. Show wants to hit his FALCON...PUNCH! But Trips dodges, so Show just hits a chokeslam. Instead of covering immeadiately like a smart
challenger, Show takes his sweet time, allowing the lights to go out and Undertaker to appear. 'Taker punches Show out of
the ring and back up the aisle. Kozlov comes down to headbutt Triple H, but Jeff Hardy is hot on his trail. He gets shouldberblocked,
but Trips and Jeff team up and knock Kozlov out of the ring. Then Jeff hits a Twist of Fate on Trips! Didn't see that coming.
OK, this is only like the second time in a month we've seen it.
WINNER: Well, it wasn't Show. And it wasn't Trips either. No Contest?
I think?
Wow. What an abosolutely abominable Smackdown. Tune in next week, if you dare, 'cause who
knows what fat woman Khali could kiss next or what brain-melting rap R-Truth could come up with? Until next week, I'm Shane
Steele (unless repeat nightmares of Khali's make-out sessions send me to the insane asylum. Then I guess Neil will take over).
