Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum


October 03, 2008
October 10, 2008
October 17, 2008

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (10/03/08) 

Hello and welcome to the Lowdown on Smackdown! I'm your host, Shane Steele, and tonight, it's the first edition of Smackdown on MyNetwork TV! Hope you found out which channel it's on! Tonight's show will feature one BIG Triple H ego boost and a lot of other stuff that will probably be dull and of little interest.
In honor of the network switch, we get a nice new intro featuring all the main players with an unfortunately crappy song I don't recognize.
Jeff Hardy, Rey Mysterio, Finlay W/ Hornswoggle, and Batista vs. MVP, JBL, The Brian Kendrick W/ Ezekiel, and Kane
Kendrick and Finlay start the match off. Kendrick gets pummeled by Finlay, who shortly thereafter tags to Batista. Batista pulverizes Kendrick and nails a suplex for 2. Finlay tags back in and the utter rapage of Brian Kendrick continues. MVP tries to help him, but he gets Hornswoggle tossed onto him for his efforts. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: If it weren't for General Grievous, the new Star Wars show would be uninteresting and totally suck.
We return to Finlay still clobbering Kendrick. Tag to Rey Mysterio. A quick legdrop gets 2. Tag to Jeff Hardy. Dropkick to the back gets 2. Tag to Finlay, who gets dropkicked by Kendrick. You think Kendrick would gain control here. Wrong. Because, DEAR GOD HORNSWOGGLE HAS KENDRICK'S KICK-ASS JACKET! Kendrick does the noble thing in trying to kill the annoying midget (why must all midgets be annoying?), but he runs right into a Finlay clothesline. Big Zeke comes to Kendrick's aid by clotheslining Finlay while he's outside the ring. Tag to JBL. A bunch of elbow drops get 2. Tag to Kane who starts stomping on Finlay all over the place. Tag to MVP, who hits a scoop slam for 1. Tag to JBL, who hits a Regular Ol' Clothesline (Not From Hell) for 2. Finlay gets in a quick DDT and tags to 'Teest while Jibble tags to MVP. Batista annihilates everyone and everything in his path. Tag to Rey Mysterio, who hits a splash from Batista's shoulders on MVP. He sends P and Kendrick into the 619 position, but Kane pulls him out of the ring as he bounces off the ropes. MORE COMMERCIALS?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: What if I want both a doctor and a lawyer?
Kane nails Mysterio with a low dropkick for 2. Kane works a headlock for a bit before tagging to Kendrick. Stomps get 2. Some crazy armbar/headlock is worked for a bit until Kendrick tags to JBL. Fallaway slam gets 1 as Batista breaks up the count. Tag to MVP, who beats on Rey for a bit before tagging to Kendrick. Rey blocks a corner charge and tags to Jeff Hardy, while Kendrick tags to MVP. Hardy hits the clotheslines and the Whisper in the Wind while his partners clean house. MVP gets hit with a 619 and a Swanton Bomb.
WINNERS: Jeff Hardy, Rey Mysterio, Finlay, and MVP.
MORE OF THAT DAMN SHOW-'TAKER UNFORGIVEN FOOTAGE! Only now, a bit of the hijinks from the past few Smackdowns is worked in. You know, Chavo in UT gear kind of looks like Zorro.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: No one is dumb enough to ask The King for directions.
Teddy Long, Tiffany, and Mike Retardle are backstage. Big Show interrupts and shoos them all away. Chavo, who by some miracle is still alive after being choked so many times, appears and says they need a plan for Undertaker. Show says since he's in charge in Vickie's absence, he'll deal with it. Chavo is pissed he didn't get the job and tries to argue, but Show shuts him up and tells him he has a match tonight.
Santino and Beth head for the ring, where Santino delivers an awesome promo about the Honk-A-Meter, how Shelton Benjamin is "The Goldylocks", and how he is champion of the entire world. Kick-ass.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I hope Tony Rock is in no way related to Chris Rock.
Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella W/ Beth Phoenix vs. US Champion Shelton Benjamin (Non-Title Match)
Lock-up. Santino works a headlock, but Shelton throws him off and then kicks him in the face. A few punches and a clothesline follow. Shelton hits Paydirt, but suddenly, the wonderul melody of rap begins as R-Truth begins moving throw the crowd. Shelton remains fixated on his hip-hop nemesis, only pausing to kick Santino here and there. Foolishly, Shelton stands on the top rope (to get a better view? to look taller? I don't know!) and Santino rolls him up for the win.
WINNER: Santino Marella.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Oh, it's just some really ugly zombies.
Big Show comes down to the ring. He brings out Chavo for his special match tonight.
Chavo Guerrero vs. Mark Henry W/ Tony Atlas and The Great Khali W/ Runjin Singh (Handicap Match)
Fat Man pounds Chavo into a hamburger, which he then tries to eat. Er, how about he just punches him a few times? Tag to Khali, who gets in a few shots before tagging back to Fatso. Lard Belly hits the World's Fattest Slam, then tags back to Khali. Khali locks in the Vise Grip for the win.
WINNERS: Fat Man and Khali.
Big Show punches Chavo in his badger face for good measure and calls out Undertaker. As Show starts to leave the ring, the lights go out, the gong sounds, and lo and behold, 'Taker is in the ring!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Dude could always just use his laptop to get his emails.
Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, and Manu W/ Really Creepy Eyes (I guess that could go for all of them) vs. Primo Colon, Carlito, and CM Punk
Primo and Teddy start off. Teddy shoves Primo into his corner and tags to Rhodes. They go for a double team, but Carlito tags in and both Colons dodge to hit double dropkicks. Manu interferes and Cody regains control. Tag to Manu, who proceeds to beat on Carlito. Tag to Teddy, who hits a second rope splash for 2. Carlito escapes a DiBiase headlock and tags to Primo, who gets spinebustered for 2. Tag to Cody, who hits a legsweep for 2. Cody works an armbar, but Primo escapes and tags to Punk while Cody tags Ted. Punk hits all his usual spots (diving clothesline, Pepsi One, bulldog) and the Colons take out Manu and Cody, allowing Punk to hit the GTS on Teddy for the win.
WINNERS: CM Punk, Carlito, and Primo Colon.
Jesse and Festus are backstage watching the show and JR thanks them for helping make the move. So what, are Kenny and Braddock dead? Diva action is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That accent Russel Crowe is using is really annoying.
Women's Champion Beth Phoenix vs. Diva's Champion Michelle McCool (Non-Title Diva Lumberjack Match)
Michelle starts off with a headlock, but Beth powers out and hits a shoulder tackle. Michelle comes back to work an armbar. She goes for a roll-up, but Beth counters into a suplex. Beth starts to work a backbreaker, but Michelle escapes into a roll-up for 2. Beth rolls out and Michelle goes after her as ALL DIVA HELL BREAKS LOOSE! Michelle and Maryse go at it for a bit until Michelle turns her attention back to The Glamazon. Maryse pops up again later as Michelle is on the top rope, allowing Beth to hit the Glam Slam for the win.
WINNER: Beth Phoenix.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Well, there's certainly not a lot that's alive in space.
Recap of all the Y2J-HBK talky-talky-talk, followed by a No Mercy rundown.
ECW Champion Matt Hardy vs. WWE Champion Triple H vs.-COMMERCIALS?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Maybe Shyamalan should've stuck to PG-13. It worked with Signs.
... vs. World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho (Non-Title Match)
Hardy slaps Jericho and he and Trips start to double team Jericho for a bit, but afte Jericho rolls out of the ring, HHH DDT's Matt and Jericho comes back with a flurry of offense. Hardy tackles both men and starts taking it to Triple H on the outside. Both men fight on the apron until Jericho knocks them off with a springboard dropkick. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Poor doggy. Foreclosure sucks.
Hardy hits the second rope elbow on Jericho and goes for the Twist of Fate, but Y2J throws him at the ropes and Trips pulls them down, sending Hardy tumbling out. Jericho takes it to HHH, but Trips fights back and gets ready to hit The Pedigree. However, Jericho reverses and slingshots Trips into the turnbuckle where Hardy was perched. Jericho gets ready for the superplex on Hardy and Trips gets in on the powerbomb for your mega-spot of the match. Trips slaps a sleeper on Chris, but he counters into a back suplex. Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho on Trips, but he manages to reach the ropes. Hardy comes back and hits a Side Effect on Jericho, but Trips gets up and hits The Pedigree on Hardy for the win.
WINNER: Triple H. Gee, didn't see this one coming.
Jericho nails HHH with the Codebreaker and pulls a ladder out from under the ring. He nails Matt Hardy with the ladder and looks to sandwich him between the rungs, but Jeff Hardy runs in to make the save.  Jeff hits a recovering Trips with a Twist of Fate and ascends the ladder. Jeff is thinking Swanton, but Communism has other plans, as Kozlov runs in and headbutts Jeff on his way down. Trips gets hit with the inverted DDT. Well, Sunday's finish couldn't be more obvious now.
Well, that was the first Lowdown on Smackdown on MyTV Network. If I missed anything, it was probably because this show almost put me to sleep. See ya next time (unless I do fall asleep. Then you probably won't be hearing from me).


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (10/10/08) 

Greetings one and all and welcome to the Lowdown on Smackdown! I'm your host, Shane Steele, and you better love this review because I had to SUFFER for it.
We kick off the show with a replay of Big Show punching out Undertaker at No Mercy, which looks like it really hurt. Looks like those frying pan sized hands really come in handy (no pun intended). As a reward, Show will face Triple H for the WWE Championship tonight. Wonder who'll get DQ'ed.
But EXCUSE ME! Vickie Guerrero is in the ring with Chavo. Apparently, she's still ticked about that whole getting Tombestoned deal. Chavo just stands there looking nervous and bored. Vickie looks like the world's most evil, disgruntled poodle ever with her neckbrace. She says she's rewarding Show for punching out 'Taker with the title shot tonight and brings out the big smiling goof himself. Despite the fact that Show had Khali and Fat Man beat the crap out of him last week, Chavo claps along with Vickie. Show gloats about winning and gives us another replay from No Mercy. If this is anything like that Unforgiven footage, I may tear my hair out. Show calls his fist the equalizer and rattles off a list of people he's punched out. He says he'll beat Trips and become champ. But hold everything! Here comes COMMUNISM in the form of Vladimir Kozlov. After a bit of Russian gibberish, he drops the act and says he will challenge whoever wins tonight's match. Show warns him that 1, he's a giant, and 2, he's American. So what, that makes him better? Racist.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Different channel, same shitty Autozone commercial.
Wait, that's it? Everyone just has a good chuckle and walks off? WTF?
Brie Bella vs. Natalya W/ Victoria
Brie starts off with a Thesz press, but Natalya quickly throws her off. Brie dodges a corner and hits a really crappy crossbody for 1. Then she goes for a backslide for 2. Bella gets in a dropkick, but Natalya follows up with a stiff clothesline. She works a headlock until Brie escapes and tries a roll-up for 2. Brie rolls out of the ring, and tries to under the ring, but Victoria grabs her leg. Brie makes it under and Victoria almost goes under too, but what should pop out to her horror (and mine. And hopefully anyone else's over the age of 10.), but Hornswoggle. Hornswoggle chases Victoria away while Brie rolls up a confused Natalya for the win.
WINNER: Brie Bella.
Cena comeback promo. This soon? Jeez, do they give him any time to chill out?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: According to my local newscaster, a local woman was knocked out by a dolphin. In a related story, that same dolphin will be facing off with Big Show next week.
Funaki is talking to himself backstage. R-Truth pops up and out of the blue, asks Funaki what his real name is. For those who care (and there aren't many of us), it's Kung Fu Naki. We even get a lovely little rap to the tune of "Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting". Please. Kill me now.
Trips is voting for Cyber Sunday on his cell phone when Jeff Hardy appears and wishes Trips good luck night, only to turn around and say he probably won't even win. Well, there went the motivation of that first statement.
R-Truth is rapping through the crowd and will wrestle after some commercials.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Seven pieces of chicken isn't really that pricey.
We get a quick replay of Show punching out Khali. HA! Look at the short Indian guru dude run!
R-Truth vs. U.S. Champion Shelton Benjamin (Non-Title Match)
Shelton slams Truth into the corner and fires off loads of punches and stomps. Then he chucks Truth from the ring and slams him into the barricade. Truth gets back in the ring and takes down Shelton. She goes for an Irish whip, but Shelton counters that with a clothesline for 2. A headlock is worked for a while until Truth escapes with a back suplex that gets 2. A clothesline that's followed by a corkscrew forearm get 2. Shelton fights back with a backbreaker for 2. Shelton goes for a scoop slam, but Truth counters with a roll-up for the win!
WINNER: R-Truth.
Jeff Hardy vs. MVP for the millionth time is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: There is no way a black guy would play as Steve Nash.
A quick Cyber Sunday rundown. I hate that it costs money to vote now. Surprisingly, Goldust's name gets a lot of cheers.
Jeff Hardy vs. MVP
Even the disembodied head of Gregory Helms is rooting for MVP to win his first one in a while here. Lesson learned: Never PISS off the urine testers or you'll end up unhap-PEE! Too much?
P goes for the win early with a bunch of roll-ups, but they each get 2. Jeff follows up with some punches and a clothesline. A facecrusher suplex follows and Jeff is headed for the top, but MVP rolls out of the ring. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Just how are those caveman commercials funny?
Hardy hits the spinning enziguri, but MVP counters the crazy corner kick with a kick of his own for 2. A few knees to the gut. Scoop slam-knee drop combo gets 2. An abdominal stretch is worked. Apparently, if MVP wins this match, he gets a incentive bonus. Good for MVP. Relevant? Not really We all know how this is gonna work out for P. Hardy escapes the stretch, but MVP throws him back down. A few headbutts (Kozlov should sue for gimmick infringement) get 2. MVP works a gutwrench until Hardy counters an Irish whip into the corner into a Whisper in the Wind. Jeff goes on to hit a dropkick and a pair of crazy corner kicks. Swanton bomb seals it.
WINNER: Jeff Hardy.
HERE COMES COMMUNISM! Kozlov makes his way to the ring. Jeff goes for Whisper in the Wind, but Vladimir ain't having none of that and nails him with the headbutt.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Guess the rest of Hell was too busy for The Devil to recruit them.
We are treated to a crazy promo for a man named Kizarny who adds an "iz" to just about every word. Apparently, he's a carnival freak. Did WWE learn nothing from The Oddities?
Maria is here to be worthless and introduce everyone in the upcoming match.
Jesse & Festus and Primo Colon & Carlito vs. Curt Hawkins, Zach Ryder, Kenny Dykstra, and Ryan Braddock
Festus scares everyone out as soon as the bell rings. Carlito and Hawkins start off. Carlito hits a sloppy sault onto Hawkins for 2. Hawkins drags him back to his corner, and all the heels get a chance to tag in and beat on Carlito. Carlito finally escapes a Kenny headlock and tags to Festus, who punches Kenny in the face a few times, hits a scoop slam, and does a butt drop. The other faces clean house of the heels and Festus hits the flapjack slam for the win.
WINNERS: Jesse, Festus, Primo, and Carlito.
Festus stares stupidly at Maria. I'm sure they'd make a perfect couple. They'd both be certain they've found someone dumber than themselves.
We get a replay of Show punching out Jericho back when he was IC champ. And still had pants. Those were the days.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Or you could just kill your best friend. It'd be a lot easier.
MORE CENA RETURN PROMO! Why does it have to be so soon?
We get another replay of Johnny Knoxville making fun of Khali on a web show nobody cares about. After Khali's match, Runjin Singh says' they'll be another Khali Kiss Cam. DEAR GOD, WHY?!
The Great Khali vs. Three Nameless Losers
Two of the losers are wise and run. The other is an idiot and gets brain chopped and pinned.
WINNER: The Great Khali.
After match, Singh looks into the crowd and finds the ugliest, fattest woman he can see, who is dumb enough to actually head to the ring. Singh asks her how much she weighs and she actually says "A lot". Moron. Khali hesitates for a while (heck, even by his standards, she's ugly), then makes out with her. GROSS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Yep, that's totally not a puppet on a stick.
RAW Rebound. Apparently, if you mess with the bull, you get "the horn". I guess "The Animal" in question is a unicorn.
Next week, Kozlov will face Jeff Hardy. In a promo, Kozlov says more Russian gibberish and, I kid you not, that he will "break Jeff Hardy in half". Which makes Jeff Rocky and MVP Creed. You know, the charismatic black guy who had to get totally buried, er, die to awaken a fire in Rocky.
Before the title match, we get COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Gangstas do not do anything that cool.
WWE Champion Triple H vs. Big Show (WWE Championship Match)
Did you know Trips hasn't been pinned since June? I didn't either, until a mystery e-mailer brought it to my attention. Thanks, whoever you are! Greatly appreciated! Odds of that streak ending tonight don't look too good.
Trips starts off by firing off a few punches, but Show just tosses him from the ring. Once he's outside, Show goes after him, but HHH dodges and Show runs smack into the ring post. Once both men are back in the ring, Show once again tosses Trips and one he comes back in the ring, Show hits him with a sidewalk slam. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That white crap is more valuable than gold?
 Show works a headlock for a long time until he transitions to a legdrop for 2. Trips dodges a corner charge and blocks a second. He leaps onto Show's back and works a sleeper hold until Show throws him off. Trips dodges the elbow drop follow-up and gets in a facebuster. He's thinking pedigree, but Show hoists him up and slams him down. Show wants to hit his FALCON...PUNCH! But Trips dodges, so Show just hits a chokeslam. Instead of covering immeadiately like a smart challenger, Show takes his sweet time, allowing the lights to go out and Undertaker to appear. 'Taker punches Show out of the ring and back up the aisle. Kozlov comes down to headbutt Triple H, but Jeff Hardy is hot on his trail. He gets shouldberblocked, but Trips and Jeff team up and knock Kozlov out of the ring. Then Jeff hits a Twist of Fate on Trips! Didn't see that coming. OK, this is only like the second time in a month we've seen it.
WINNER: Well, it wasn't Show. And it wasn't Trips either. No Contest? I think?
Wow. What an abosolutely abominable Smackdown. Tune in next week, if you dare, 'cause who knows what fat woman Khali could kiss next or what brain-melting rap R-Truth could come up with? Until next week, I'm Shane Steele (unless repeat nightmares of Khali's make-out sessions send me to the insane asylum. Then I guess Neil will take over).


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (10/17/08) 

Howdy folks, and this is the Lowdown on Smackdown. I'm your host, the ever-popular Shane Steele and you'll have to excuse my lateness with this, as I had a little unexpected incident occur on Friday, causing me to miss Smackdown. But fear not! Thanks to the mighty miracle of YouTube (and the great people who illegally upload this stuff), I can recap at will! Hooray! Hey, where are you all going?
To kick things off, we get a quick recap of last week's title match shenanigans. And I've gotta say, Kozlov's angry Russian stare is awesome.
Tonight, there will be a tag title rematch, as well as Kozlov vs. Hardy. I guess you could say that WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW! The big oaf himself heads for the ring, accompanied by a wimpy looking Chavo. Why the hell has Chavo not ditched this guy after the ass-kicking he got from him a few weeks back? I guess Chavo likes it rough. Show says Undertaker is a fool for coming after him again and mocks him for trying to send him to Hell. You know, Hell might not be so bad. After all, Edge is down there and he seems like a fun guy. Show announces that at Cyber Sunday, he will face 'Taker in either a Last Man Standing match, an I Quit Match, or a...Knockout Match? They're going to bring in the chicks from TNA to wrestle? Show decides to demonstrate each match with three random losers.
Big Show vs. Random Loser #1 (Knockout Match)
Show punches the chump in the back of the head.
WINNER: Big Show.
Big Show vs. Random Loser #2 (I Quit Match)
Show locks in the Cobra Cluth and this loser quits.
WINNER: Big Show.
Big Show vs. Random Loser #3 (Last Man Standing Match)
While Show chops away in the corner, Chavo brings out a table and sets it up mid-ring. Show chokeslams this dork through the table to get the 10-count.
WINNER: The Big Show.
Big Show walks off menacingly while the 3 stooges recieve medical attention, complete with gurneys and neckbraces.
Carlito and Primo head for the ring after a quick Spanish pep talk. The tag match is next.
No commercials thoughts tonight, as this is being brought to us by YouTube.
WWE Tag Team Champions Carlito & Primo vs. Zach Ryder & Curt Hawkins (WWE Tag Team Title Match)
Primo starts off with Ryder, who trys some armbars on Primo. Primo escapes and trips him up for 1, then hits a crossbody for 2. Carlito tags in and the two hit a toehold-legdrop double team move for 2. Ryder gets pissed and knocks Carlito off the arpon. Hawkins rolls him back in and covers for 2 (did anyone else not see a tag? I did not see a tag).  Now Ryder is back in and he starts working a submission that Carlito eventually counters out of with a modified neckbreaker. Tags to Primo and Hawkins and Primo is MUY CALIENTE with his crazy lucha offense. A neckbreaker gets 2 when Ryder breaks it up. Carlito tosses Ryder and Hawkins tosses Carlito, leaving Primo to hit a missile dropkick for the win.
A quick John Cena lovefest. Please tell me these are just contract stipulations (John Cena must be mentioned on TV once per week or something like that).
MVP is backstage with Eve. MVP discredits all his losses and says he'll get his incentive bonus tonight. Face it man, at the rate you're going, a bonus would be not running in to Captain Trips anytime soon.
MVP vs. R-Truth
After a quick lock-up, R-Truth works an armbar, followed by an armdrag. Shelton Benjamin watches menacingly backstage. As MVP knocks Truth off the apron, a smattering of the good old "Power Ranger" chants break out. God, I love the "Power Ranger" chants. R-Truth is back in the ring now and hitting clotheslines left and right. MVP counters and Irish whip attempt into a neckbreaker for 2. P goes for the Drive-By Kick, but R-Truth dodges by doing a split and hits the corkscrew scissors kick for the win.
WINNER: R-Truth. And Shelton Benjamin is not amused!
Back in her office, Vickie is bitching about her neck to show. Funaki, excuse me, Kung Fu Naki comes in with some reject Karate Kid gear, only to get shooed by Vickie. Maryse comes in next with some freakin' hot French Maid look going for her to whine about the completely pointless Divas match tonight, but Vickie shows her the door too. Finally, Khali and Runjin come in. Vickie wants Khali to fight 'Taker tonight, but Khali wants none of it. However, Show and his skillet-sized hands convince h im otherwise.
The Brian Kendrick and Zeke, wearing the tightest tights imaginable, head for the ring. Kendrick says a serious throat infection will keep him from competing tonight (but hopefully not from dancing!), so Zeke will wrestle for him instead.
Ezekiel Jackson (His Theme Should Be "Who Wears Tight Tights?") vs. Super Crazy
Zeke beats the living shit out of Super Crazy before finishing him off with a Rock Bottom-esque move.
Post match, Kendrick nails The Kendrick and dances around. Thankfully, throat infections do not inhibit dancing ability. The dumb Diva match is later in the night.
Trips and his newly rediscovered leather jacket are backstage with Eve. Trips says almost everything unknown except that he'll beat whoever he has to face at Cyber Sunday. Heck, I coul've told you that.
Undertaker vs. The Great Khali w/ Runjin Singh
The best part of YouTube? Fast-forwarding through the insanely long Undertaker entrance.
Khali works a headlock, then clubs 'Taker in the back. Undertaker escapes and starts punching Khali in the corner, but Khali counters and starts to kick UT in the corner. A slugfest ensues, which Khali wins with a clothesline, followed by the old scoop slam-legdrop combo for 2. A nerve hold is worked until Undertaker punches out, only to get brain chopped for 2. The vise grip is applied, but Undertaker punches his way out and hits a clothesline. Big Show runs to the ring and hits a chokeslam on Underta ker. He goes out and grabs a chair from ringside, then asks Khali to hit 'Taker with it. Khali chops the chair out of his hand and walks away, proving he not only has standards in women, but standards in morals. 'Taker rises up and hits Show in the back with the chair, sending him out of the ring.
WINNER: No Contest.
Next week it will be the man who buries people for a living vs. the man who fits that very same description when Triple H faces The Undertaker.
Maria vs. Maryse vs. Natalya vs. Victoria vs. Brie Bella (Giant Pair of Fuzzy Dice on a Pole Match)
Maryse goes for the pole, but all the other Divas stop her. Victoria tries to climb up, but Natalya throws her off. Maria gets yanked off the turnbuckle by Maryse, who then chucks Brie Bella from the ring. Maryse tries to climb, but all the other Divas interfere with little effect. Finally, Maria knocks Maryse off to grab the dice.
WINNER: Maria.
Kenny Dykstra & Ryan Braddock vs. Jesse & Festus
Festus beats on Braddock with punches and headbutts. A tag to Jesse, who hits a running elbow for 2. Headlock from Jesse, which Braddock escapes from with a back suplex. A tag to Kenny, who works an armbar before immeadiately tagging back to Braddock. A knee drop gets 2. Tag to Kenny, who goes right back to working his armbar. Jesse escapes and tags to Festus, who goes completely insane on Dykstra. Braddock tries to interfere, but Jesse sends him over the ropes. Festus hits the Flapjack Slam for the wi n.
WINNERS: Jesse & Festus.
Backstage, Maria runs into Michelle, who says she will proudly defend her title against her, all the while making her look like shit. Or maybe on the first part. Jesse and Festus appear and Festus gives Maria a daisy. Then Jesse pulls Festus away so they can see Wayne Newton. Who?
Apparently, ol' Trips will do commentary for the Kozlov-Hardy match so he can make inside jokes and wisecracks.
Jeff Hardy vs. Vladimir Kozlov
Kozlov kicks Jeff in the stomach and rams him into the turnbuckle. Jeff tries to fight out, but Kozlov hits a shoulderblock. Running powerslam gets 2. Kozlov slams Jeff into the ring post and is working the arm after what I assume was a commercial break. Jeff tries to punch out, but Kozlov judo throws him and keeps working the arm. Kozlov nails a few headbutts and a belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Hardy gets back on his feet and tries a few clotheslines, but they epic fail, so he hits a pair of Whisper in the Winds. Hardy goes up top, but Kozlov ducks the areial move and hits the headbutt for the win.
WINNER: Vladimir Kozlov. Loser: The poor Russians who can't text in their votes for Kozlov due to WWE's stupid "No international texting" rule. Communism is not amused.
Trips-Vladimir staredown ensues.
Well, thanks for putting up with this really crappy recap. But hey, it's better than my brother, right? Until next week, I'm Shane Steele (unless an even worse accident happens).


Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).