SmackDown Rant Archive (October 2007)
October 05, 2007
October 12, 2007
October 19, 2007
October 26, 2007
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (10/05/07)
Tonight it's ANOTHER once-in-a-lifetime event, DAVID VS GOLIATH! It's Rey Mysterio vs not Kane, not Mark Henry, not Big Show, not JBL, or any other big guy he's faced in a match billed under that same name. No, THIS time it's The Great Khali! Yes, again.
We open with a recap of Vince on ECW telling us Cena is gone for a while and basically nothing else. Batista is out and during his entrance they play a video for the Punjabi Prison. Cole calls it a Chamber of Horrors. I'm pretty sure that's one of Raven's names for a hardcore match. Anyway, Batista says in the five years he's been in WWE he's been champion, challenger, and everything in between. What's really in between besides being in just a regular match? He says it sounds more like a Chamber of Horrors. I guess this lame name is to the Prison as the Devil's Duplex is to Hell in a Cell. Batista is interrupted with "Harfeesta!" It's Khali on the screen and was he trying to say Batista? Anyway he blargh's on and the translator says it's impossible for Batista to win. He says people all across India fear the Punjabi Prison, as if it's a part of the country's legitimate prison system. Batista says he's an animal, but proceeds to pose like a man. Hmm. Werewolf? Perhaps!
Commercials, food for thought! If you think with a 15 second attention span. We're back with Underchucker and ACE STEEL set do battle.
Chuck Palumbo w/Michelle McCool for some reason vs THE Ace Steel~!
Chuck throws Ace into the turnbuckle and hits a clothesline and a back suplex for two. Ace hits some punches and shit but Chuck hits a fallaway slam to stop that. He then hits a belly to belly and a horrible big boot to the chest. He then hits the FULL THROTTLE for the win.
Winner : Chuck Palumbo
But what's this?! It's Chris Masters who is back from his injury! Or sabbatical! Or whatever excuse they gave him for being away for exactly thirty days. Anyway he runs in immediately after the ref counted three and puts Palumbo in a MASTERLOCK. Chuck looks like he's going to break it but eventually passes out after about a minute thirty of fucking silence save for JBL putting over how inescapeable the masterlock is, despite him being the first person to break it. On our way to commercials we get the stats for Rey and Khali, just in case you don't remember them from all those other times they fought last year.
On our way back into the ACTION, Viscera asks us who are daddy is. Making fun of kids from broken homes, and I thought foreign patriotism was cheap heat.
Anyway, Cole reminds us Smackdown! is the only place on tv to see WWE's crusierweights! If you're lucky! And if you don't count Londrick. Cole proceeds to tell us that this is an important match because the Cruiserweight championship is vacant after Vicky Guerrero's major decision last week to strip Hornswoggle of it. If it's such a major situation, don't you think they'd at least have a plan set to determine the next champion? Cena was injured this Monday and we'll have a new WWE champion this Sunday. This title's been vacant over a week now and there's no future plans in sight. Surely this doesn't suggest the Crusierweight belt is a lesser title? Where's Rey Mysterio to restore some honor here?! Competing in the heavyweight division? Oh, erm... Huh. Some of these guys better get bigger bodies or fanbases quick.
Jimmy Wang Yang vs Jamie Noble
Submission reversals all around for a few minutes which Yang ends with chops, an enziguri, and tiger mask in the corner, but Noble counters with a back suplex. He beats Yang down for a two count. Scoop slam and stomps from Noble who demands what his name is. I'm sure a lot of people watching are wondering the same thing. Yang eventually gets in control and gets a near fall with a roll up. Noble regains control with a chinlock to a back suplex which Yang counters midway into a crossbody for two. Yang then hits a dropkick from the second rope which sends Noble to the corner, so Yang comes in with a big dropkick that sends him to the outside where he lands on his feet. He quickly comes back in by ascending the turnbuckle and hits a big crossbody off the top that only gets two. Noble then dodges a moonsault but Yang lands on his feet. Noble then turns and hits the gutbuster, where he throws Yang up in the air and then falls on his back and puts his knees up so Yang lands stomach first on his knees. It's essentially a mini frog splash counter.
Winner : Jamie Noble
DIVA SEARCH~! They're doing jumping jacks and shit on a beach. They explain it's an obstacle course including hula hooping and a slip n slide. Enthralling. J. Kim got eliminated this week, but says you never know and you might see her in WWE again some day. Somehow, I don't doubt it. Next up is MVP and Hardy vs The only other tag team on the show for the titles.
Commercials, like mini tv shows, only more demanding you buy stuff.
We're back to a Taker video package which soon segues into a thinly-veiled WWE Magazine ad. I just noticed Justin Roberts from ECW has replaced Tony Chimel tonight. Roberts introduces MVP who is out with his belts, bling, Breath-Rite nose strip, and a microphone. Out next is Hardy who gets his usual big pop and obligatory shot of a fat teenage girl with a Hardy is Awesome sign. This week's fat fan is especially revolting. We're talking her name is Emily and she knows every song from Grease bad. Anyway, MVP decides right before their title defense would be a perfect time for him and Hardy to have another competition. This time it'll be a pushup contest where they'll be side by side. First one's stomach to touch the ground wins. Hardy agrees and they do about thirty before MVP sweeps Hardy's arm out which I guess the ref missed despite standing right fucking there, so he announces MVP the winner. That was pretty pointless. Hey, it's da gweesuhs!
MVP & Matt Hardy (c) vs Deuce & Domino w/His baby sistuh, Cherry - Tag Team Title Match
Hardy easily controls Domino with nothing special. He tags to MVP and then shoves him for some reason. MVP gets over it quick though and works the arm. He tags Hardy back in without incident, but Deuce is in as well. He controls with nothing special because he's Deuce. Hardy however regains control with a boot in the turnbuckle, which of course forces Deuce to stay bent over waiting for a scissors kick. He gets instead an elbow to the neck from the second rope from Hardy, who then goes for the twist of fate but Domino is back in with the clothesline but Matt dodges and MVP pulls the ropes down and sends Domino for a tumble. Hardy then chucks out Deuce and MVP hits his BALLIN elbow from the apron onto the back of Domino's head. Hardy then takes both greasers out with a crossbody off the turnbuckle to the outside while MVP poses beneath for the cool visual as we go to commercial.
Two and a Half Men looks creepy. Is it two pedophile-looking gay guys living with a ten year old kid? Pretty horrifying stuff, CW. Or CBS. Or gay people.
We come back and see Deuce who has Hardy in a front facelock. He hits a knee drop which gets two. Hardy tags in MVP who dominates for a minute with a belly to belly suplex and runs to the ropes but Domino pulls them down like MVP did earlier and he falls outside. Domino rolls him back in and he gets double teamed for a while longer. Deuce and Domino exchange quick tags and generally work on MVP's back with mostly knee drops and quick submissions. MVP almost gets Hardy several times but each time he's pulled back. During this, Deuce gets a quick kiss from Cherry which kind of unsettles me for a second before I realize that Domino is Cherry's brother, not Deuce. Duece now with a boston crab and MVP really throws desperate punches as we was starting to lock it in. MVP almost gets to Hardy but Deuce breaks the CRAB and knocks Hardy off the apron. More quick tags, one in which Domino enters, places Hardy into the turnbuckle, and tags Deuce back in. MVP then gets a nearfall with a rollup. MVP eventually breaks free and finally tags in Hardy who is immediately ambushed by Domino, but not for long. He hits the clothesline/bulldog in the corner and knocks Deuce off the apron. He gets a two count but Deuce is in to break it up and get a side effect. Domino however has removed his belt and is ready to whip hardy as MVP makes the save with a lowblow. Hardy turns around to see Domino standing there in pain instead of falling to his knees and then side and breathing like a fish like any other person in the world with testicles would do. Domino's pathetic manhood aside, Hardy hits the Twist of Fate and gets the three.
Winner : Matt Hardy & MVP
On the outside MVP congratulates Hardy, then hilariously sticks his tongue out and mocks him as he turns his back. When he turns around, MVP is all smiles and they walk up the ramp together as Kane's music hits and he passes them on his way to the ring for his match which is next. In the meantime, you get to be annoyed by esurance commercials.
Back to Kane in the process of squashing a couple of dykes. I kid Victoria. But not Kenny.
Kane vs Kenny Dykstra w/ Victoria
Kane completely in control with turnbuckle clotheslines and a big boot. Victoria however places Kenny's leg on the bottom rope so the ref won't count the pin. Victoria smiles smugly at the crowd, then turns to find Kane leering down at her from the ring. She falls over and Kenny jumps Kane, trying to work his legs. Kane soon regains control and hits a dropkick to a sitting Kenny. He then hits a flying clothesline and signals for and gets the chokeslam for the win..
Winner : Kane
After the match Victoria helps Kenny up the ramp as Kane looks on laughing and we go to another Taker video, this one of the little girl whispering and clips of Taker squashing Henry last week. Commercials!
End commercials! We get a few clips of Teddy Long's heart attack at his wedding a few weeks ago. Vickie is in the back with New Blond and is welcoming her. MVP & Hardy interrupt with MVP suggesting Hardy face Undertaker since MVP faced Kane last week. Vickie instead makes a match for No Mercy, MVP and Matt Hardy vs Kane and...THE UNDERTAKER~! I guess Teddy Long left specific instructions on how to handle people barging in to your office. They then recap Cena being put away by Orton last week on RAW, even though Kennedy was the one who injured him. Really long video showing Orton destroy Cena with JR's distorted voice and slowmo movements and closeup on agonized facial expressions and all those little games and shit they like to do for these type of videos. We are then treated to...more commercials. Jesus.
BACK! And worth the wait it was, for now is time for the debut of JESSE AND FESTUS~! Jesse is talking up Festus and my God Jesse has a big nose. Not like Triple H big, but still considerably disfiguring. Like Joe Francis bad. Anyway, they'll be facing Jobber A and Jobber B who I think were designated names, but I don't know who they are so fuck them.
Jesse & Festus vs JOB Squad 2007
Ring bell sounds and Festus loses the blank dopey stare for intense anger. Festus dominates both men with clotheslines and headbutts and whatever until Jesse gets the tag and they double team Jobber A. Jesse with a monkey flip out of the corner and a back body drop. Jesse runs like a spastic retard. Anyway, Jesse gets a sunset flip but Jobber A actually gets in some offense and controls Jesse for a minute, culminating in a gutwrench suplex for two. Jesse dodges a couple elbow drops however and tags in Festus who throws Jobber B outside and places Jobber A on his shoulders in running powerslam position, but then just falls on his ass into a sitting position and I guess that's his finisher because it gets three. Bell rings and Festus turns back into docile retard. By the way, their theme goes "Biscuits and gravy, that's what I am" in a terribly annoying nasally country voice. I wonder who thought anything good would come from putting these two on tv. Winner : Jesse & Festus
Commercials. Khali match next. Ratings go down 87% (10% are asleep, and the other 3 are borderline and/or full-blown retarded)
To reward the remaining three percent of you who are conscious, JBL and Cole run down the No Mercy card which for some reason has an animated flying dove graphic swooping down. Then a Khali video package that states Khali is TWICE Rey's size. That would make him somewhere in the neighborhood of 11 feet. YOU HAVE TO SEE HIM IN PERSON, BAH GAWD! Rey is out in black, white, and baby blue as we head to yet another set of commercials. Finally, the MAIN EVENT products!
Back just in time for Khali's entrance with his translator for some reason. Unless, godforbid, Khali's giving another interview, I guess he's also his manager now. They are face to nipples with eachother in the ring and Rey's head is tilted all the way back. JBL says he looks like a 7-year-old next to Khali, which would be cool except he also looks like that next to an actual 7-year-old.
Rey Mysterio vs The Great Khali
Rey dodges Khali for a minute getting in some quick kicks and body shots, but Khali takes him down with a clothesline. Rey howls in pain on the ground in kind of a bitchy tone as Khali dominates Rey from there with a big chop and a nerve hold on the back of Rey's neck while Rey is on his knees. Rey however slowly rises to his feet, as if that's how a nerve hold works, and eventually reaches the ropes. Khali breaks the hold for a second just to lock it in again. Rey fights out this time though, but is quickly dumped to the outside. Khali follows and tries the brain chop on Rey but Rey moves and he slaps the stairs. Rey then hits the 619 around the ringpost on Khali who is getting back in the ring. Khali stumbles and rests on the barrier. Rey goes up top and launches a seated senton on Finlay who has entered the ring. He sets up Finaly for the 619 but Khali is back and gets in the vise grip on Rey, so of course Batista is out and spinebusters a waiting Finlay and spears Khali and hits some mounted punches. He then gets a chair and nails him in the back, so Khali rolls to the outside and leisurely makes his way up the ramp not selling shit. Batista yells from the ring as Khali continues his ascent up the ramp. I mean, I know Khali doesn't need to sell a lot, but Jesus Christ it's gotta look believeable that he can lose because, well, he has. A lot. Yeah, that chair sure didn't do shit, but I'm sure three-foot spinebusters and BAMBOO WALLS will be enough to put him away at the PPV. Fuck him. END SHOW.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).