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SmackDown Rant Archive (October 2007)

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Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (10/05/07) 

Tonight it's ANOTHER once-in-a-lifetime event, DAVID VS GOLIATH! It's Rey Mysterio vs not Kane, not Mark Henry, not Big Show, not JBL, or any other big guy he's faced in a match billed under that same name. No, THIS time it's The Great Khali! Yes, again.

We open with a recap of Vince on ECW telling us Cena is gone for a while and basically nothing else. Batista is out and during his entrance they play a video for the Punjabi Prison. Cole calls it a Chamber of Horrors. I'm pretty sure that's one of Raven's names for a hardcore match. Anyway, Batista says in the five years he's been in WWE he's been champion, challenger, and everything in between. What's really in between besides being in just a regular match? He says it sounds more like a Chamber of Horrors. I guess this lame name is to the Prison as the Devil's Duplex is to Hell in a Cell. Batista is interrupted with "Harfeesta!" It's Khali on the screen and was he trying to say Batista? Anyway he blargh's on and the translator says it's impossible for Batista to win. He says people all across India fear the Punjabi Prison, as if it's a part of the country's legitimate prison system. Batista says he's an animal, but proceeds to pose like a man. Hmm. Werewolf? Perhaps!

Commercials, food for thought! If you think with a 15 second attention span. We're back with Underchucker and ACE STEEL set do battle.

Chuck Palumbo w/Michelle McCool for some reason vs THE Ace Steel~!

Chuck throws Ace into the turnbuckle and hits a clothesline and a back suplex for two. Ace hits some punches and shit but Chuck hits a fallaway slam to stop that. He then hits a belly to belly and a horrible big boot to the chest. He then hits the FULL THROTTLE for the win.

Winner : Chuck Palumbo

But what's this?! It's Chris Masters who is back from his injury! Or sabbatical! Or whatever excuse they gave him for being away for exactly thirty days. Anyway he runs in immediately after the ref counted three and puts Palumbo in a MASTERLOCK. Chuck looks like he's going to break it but eventually passes out after about a minute thirty of fucking silence save for JBL putting over how inescapeable the masterlock is, despite him being the first person to break it. On our way to commercials we get the stats for Rey and Khali, just in case you don't remember them from all those other times they fought last year.

On our way back into the ACTION, Viscera asks us who are daddy is. Making fun of kids from broken homes, and I thought foreign patriotism was cheap heat.

Anyway, Cole reminds us Smackdown! is the only place on tv to see WWE's crusierweights! If you're lucky! And if you don't count Londrick. Cole proceeds to tell us that this is an important match because the Cruiserweight championship is vacant after Vicky Guerrero's major decision last week to strip Hornswoggle of it. If it's such a major situation, don't you think they'd at least have a plan set to determine the next champion? Cena was injured this Monday and we'll have a new WWE champion this Sunday. This title's been vacant over a week now and there's no future plans in sight. Surely this doesn't suggest the Crusierweight belt is a lesser title? Where's Rey Mysterio to restore some honor here?! Competing in the heavyweight division? Oh, erm... Huh. Some of these guys better get bigger bodies or fanbases quick.

Jimmy Wang Yang vs Jamie Noble

Submission reversals all around for a few minutes which Yang ends with chops, an enziguri, and tiger mask in the corner, but Noble counters with a back suplex. He beats Yang down for a two count. Scoop slam and stomps from Noble who demands what his name is. I'm sure a lot of people watching are wondering the same thing. Yang eventually gets in control and gets a near fall with a roll up. Noble regains control with a chinlock to a back suplex which Yang counters midway into a crossbody for two. Yang then hits a dropkick from the second rope which sends Noble to the corner, so Yang comes in with a big dropkick that sends him to the outside where he lands on his feet. He quickly comes back in by ascending the turnbuckle and hits a big crossbody off the top that only gets two. Noble then dodges a moonsault but Yang lands on his feet. Noble then turns and hits the gutbuster, where he throws Yang up in the air and then falls on his back and puts his knees up so Yang lands stomach first on his knees. It's essentially a mini frog splash counter.

Winner : Jamie Noble

DIVA SEARCH~! They're doing jumping jacks and shit on a beach. They explain it's an obstacle course including hula hooping and a slip n slide. Enthralling. J. Kim got eliminated this week, but says you never know and you might see her in WWE again some day. Somehow, I don't doubt it. Next up is MVP and Hardy vs The only other tag team on the show for the titles.

Commercials, like mini tv shows, only more demanding you buy stuff.

We're back to a Taker video package which soon segues into a thinly-veiled WWE Magazine ad. I just noticed Justin Roberts from ECW has replaced Tony Chimel tonight. Roberts introduces MVP who is out with his belts, bling, Breath-Rite nose strip, and a microphone. Out next is Hardy who gets his usual big pop and obligatory shot of a fat teenage girl with a Hardy is Awesome sign. This week's fat fan is especially revolting. We're talking her name is Emily and she knows every song from Grease bad. Anyway, MVP decides right before their title defense would be a perfect time for him and Hardy to have another competition. This time it'll be a pushup contest where they'll be side by side. First one's stomach to touch the ground wins. Hardy agrees and they do about thirty before MVP sweeps Hardy's arm out which I guess the ref missed despite standing right fucking there, so he announces MVP the winner. That was pretty pointless. Hey, it's da gweesuhs!

MVP & Matt Hardy (c) vs Deuce & Domino w/His baby sistuh, Cherry - Tag Team Title Match

Hardy easily controls Domino with nothing special. He tags to MVP and then shoves him for some reason. MVP gets over it quick though and works the arm. He tags Hardy back in without incident, but Deuce is in as well. He controls with nothing special because he's Deuce. Hardy however regains control with a boot in the turnbuckle, which of course forces Deuce to stay bent over waiting for a scissors kick. He gets instead an elbow to the neck from the second rope from Hardy, who then goes for the twist of fate but Domino is back in with the clothesline but Matt dodges and MVP pulls the ropes down and sends Domino for a tumble. Hardy then chucks out Deuce and MVP hits his BALLIN elbow from the apron onto the back of Domino's head. Hardy then takes both greasers out with a crossbody off the turnbuckle to the outside while MVP poses beneath for the cool visual as we go to commercial.

Two and a Half Men looks creepy. Is it two pedophile-looking gay guys living with a ten year old kid? Pretty horrifying stuff, CW. Or CBS. Or gay people.

We come back and see Deuce who has Hardy in a front facelock. He hits a knee drop which gets two. Hardy tags in MVP who dominates for a minute with a belly to belly suplex and runs to the ropes but Domino pulls them down like MVP did earlier and he falls outside. Domino rolls him back in and he gets double teamed for a while longer. Deuce and Domino exchange quick tags and generally work on MVP's back with mostly knee drops and quick submissions. MVP almost gets Hardy several times but each time he's pulled back. During this, Deuce gets a quick kiss from Cherry which kind of unsettles me for a second before I realize that Domino is Cherry's brother, not Deuce. Duece now with a boston crab and MVP really throws desperate punches as we was starting to lock it in. MVP almost gets to Hardy but Deuce breaks the CRAB and knocks Hardy off the apron. More quick tags, one in which Domino enters, places Hardy into the turnbuckle, and tags Deuce back in. MVP then gets a nearfall with a rollup. MVP eventually breaks free and finally tags in Hardy who is immediately ambushed by Domino, but not for long. He hits the clothesline/bulldog in the corner and knocks Deuce off the apron. He gets a two count but Deuce is in to break it up and get a side effect. Domino however has removed his belt and is ready to whip hardy as MVP makes the save with a lowblow. Hardy turns around to see Domino standing there in pain instead of falling to his knees and then side and breathing like a fish like any other person in the world with testicles would do. Domino's pathetic manhood aside, Hardy hits the Twist of Fate and gets the three.

Winner : Matt Hardy & MVP

On the outside MVP congratulates Hardy, then hilariously sticks his tongue out and mocks him as he turns his back. When he turns around, MVP is all smiles and they walk up the ramp together as Kane's music hits and he passes them on his way to the ring for his match which is next. In the meantime, you get to be annoyed by esurance commercials.

Back to Kane in the process of squashing a couple of dykes. I kid Victoria. But not Kenny.

Kane vs Kenny Dykstra w/ Victoria

Kane completely in control with turnbuckle clotheslines and a big boot. Victoria however places Kenny's leg on the bottom rope so the ref won't count the pin. Victoria smiles smugly at the crowd, then turns to find Kane leering down at her from the ring. She falls over and Kenny jumps Kane, trying to work his legs. Kane soon regains control and hits a dropkick to a sitting Kenny. He then hits a flying clothesline and signals for and gets the chokeslam for the win..

Winner : Kane

After the match Victoria helps Kenny up the ramp as Kane looks on laughing and we go to another Taker video, this one of the little girl whispering and clips of Taker squashing Henry last week. Commercials!

End commercials! We get a few clips of Teddy Long's heart attack at his wedding a few weeks ago. Vickie is in the back with New Blond and is welcoming her. MVP & Hardy interrupt with MVP suggesting Hardy face Undertaker since MVP faced Kane last week. Vickie instead makes a match for No Mercy, MVP and Matt Hardy vs Kane and...THE UNDERTAKER~! I guess Teddy Long left specific instructions on how to handle people barging in to your office. They then recap Cena being put away by Orton last week on RAW, even though Kennedy was the one who injured him. Really long video showing Orton destroy Cena with JR's distorted voice and slowmo movements and closeup on agonized facial expressions and all those little games and shit they like to do for these type of videos. We are then treated to...more commercials. Jesus.

BACK! And worth the wait it was, for now is time for the debut of JESSE AND FESTUS~! Jesse is talking up Festus and my God Jesse has a big nose. Not like Triple H big, but still considerably disfiguring. Like Joe Francis bad. Anyway, they'll be facing Jobber A and Jobber B who I think were designated names, but I don't know who they are so fuck them.

Jesse & Festus vs JOB Squad 2007

Ring bell sounds and Festus loses the blank dopey stare for intense anger. Festus dominates both men with clotheslines and headbutts and whatever until Jesse gets the tag and they double team Jobber A. Jesse with a monkey flip out of the corner and a back body drop. Jesse runs like a spastic retard. Anyway, Jesse gets a sunset flip but Jobber A actually gets in some offense and controls Jesse for a minute, culminating in a gutwrench suplex for two. Jesse dodges a couple elbow drops however and tags in Festus who throws Jobber B outside and places Jobber A on his shoulders in running powerslam position, but then just falls on his ass into a sitting position and I guess that's his finisher because it gets three. Bell rings and Festus turns back into docile retard. By the way, their theme goes "Biscuits and gravy, that's what I am" in a terribly annoying nasally country voice. I wonder who thought anything good would come from putting these two on tv. Winner : Jesse & Festus

Commercials. Khali match next. Ratings go down 87% (10% are asleep, and the other 3 are borderline and/or full-blown retarded)

To reward the remaining three percent of you who are conscious, JBL and Cole run down the No Mercy card which for some reason has an animated flying dove graphic swooping down. Then a Khali video package that states Khali is TWICE Rey's size. That would make him somewhere in the neighborhood of 11 feet. YOU HAVE TO SEE HIM IN PERSON, BAH GAWD! Rey is out in black, white, and baby blue as we head to yet another set of commercials. Finally, the MAIN EVENT products!

Back just in time for Khali's entrance with his translator for some reason. Unless, godforbid, Khali's giving another interview, I guess he's also his manager now. They are face to nipples with eachother in the ring and Rey's head is tilted all the way back. JBL says he looks like a 7-year-old next to Khali, which would be cool except he also looks like that next to an actual 7-year-old.

Rey Mysterio vs The Great Khali

Rey dodges Khali for a minute getting in some quick kicks and body shots, but Khali takes him down with a clothesline. Rey howls in pain on the ground in kind of a bitchy tone as Khali dominates Rey from there with a big chop and a nerve hold on the back of Rey's neck while Rey is on his knees. Rey however slowly rises to his feet, as if that's how a nerve hold works, and eventually reaches the ropes. Khali breaks the hold for a second just to lock it in again. Rey fights out this time though, but is quickly dumped to the outside. Khali follows and tries the brain chop on Rey but Rey moves and he slaps the stairs. Rey then hits the 619 around the ringpost on Khali who is getting back in the ring. Khali stumbles and rests on the barrier. Rey goes up top and launches a seated senton on Finlay who has entered the ring. He sets up Finaly for the 619 but Khali is back and gets in the vise grip on Rey, so of course Batista is out and spinebusters a waiting Finlay and spears Khali and hits some mounted punches. He then gets a chair and nails him in the back, so Khali rolls to the outside and leisurely makes his way up the ramp not selling shit. Batista yells from the ring as Khali continues his ascent up the ramp. I mean, I know Khali doesn't need to sell a lot, but Jesus Christ it's gotta look believeable that he can lose because, well, he has. A lot. Yeah, that chair sure didn't do shit, but I'm sure three-foot spinebusters and BAMBOO WALLS will be enough to put him away at the PPV. Fuck him. END SHOW.

SEND FEEDBACK TO ANTHONY DEAN

 
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (10/12/07) 

 
Welcome one and all (all probably being only like one person anyway) to the 10/12 edition of Friday Night Smackdown! and, more importantly, my THIRD week as recapper. This go round will include BRAND NEW features which may or may not appear to be shit just blatantly ripped right from other people's columns. But it only appears like that because you're a complete tool. So there. Now that I'm sure I've earned your trust, we may proceed to this week's unevents.
 
We kick the show off with footage from last Sunday's Batista-Khali Prison Match, the big spot being Batista's three foot drop, er, leap, from one cage to another. After the video, cartoon video hits and this WAS LIVE last Tuesday in Detroit, Michigan. Tonight will be MVP and Hardy vs Undertaker and Kane and a MAIN EVENT of Rey vs Finlay for number one contendership at Cyber Sunday. Sounds like a full night! And now Chuck Palumbo is out on his bike with Michelle McCool. Hm. Maybe not. In any event, Chuckie's out and rides around the ring and bumps knuckles with a couple random front row douches. Out next is Masters, who is greeted with his usual symphony of silence, but I mean it's not all his fault. How can he get any heat if nobody gives a shit about Chuck Palumbo anyway? This match is of course a chance for Palumbo to gain revenge for Masters attacking him last week after his match and putting him in the Masterlock, which Cole says only Bobby Lashley has ever broken even though JBL was the first to break it and is in fact sitting right the fuck there. Apparently JBL has forgotten this feat too however and puts over how inescapeable it is as the bell rings for our first bathroom break of the night.
 
Chuck Palumbo w/Michelle McCool vs Chris Masters w/VIRTUALLY inescapeable finisher
 
Chuck beats Chris down with punches and other standard Chuck Palumbo offense for about a minute until a clothesline turns the tide back into Masters' favor, who seizes the opportunity by failing to suplex Chuck and receiving one of his own. Palumbo then misses an elbow drop so Chris drives him to the corner and backs away. He then returns and hits a snap suplex on Palumbo for two. Camel clutch follows to loud and *presumably* doctored You Suck chants. Chris then hits a powerslam on Chuck after an Irish whip as Cole again lies about how many men have broken the masterlock. Palumbo regains the advantage with a clothesline. They exchange punches and elbows from here until Palumbo takes him down with hard rights. He then hits a hard release suplex, thing, which was essentially just throwing him over his shoulder but misses a boot but dodges a Masters clothesline and rolls him up for the three.
 
Winner : Chuck Palumbo
 
As Chuck was getting on his bike after the match, Masters attacks him and locks in the masterlock while Michelle stands there with her hands on her hips looking slightly annoyed. During the hold, Cole reminds JBL he's experienced the masterlock firsthand, to which JBL disappointingly replies "You can't get out of it, Michael!" Fucking, RAW Tribute to the Troops last year! You were in a Santa costume! I SAW you break it, now acknowledge it. Nobody cares about Lashley anyway. Brothers of Destruction promo as we go to commercials.
 
MISCELLANEOUS Commercial Thought : Plagiarism is a hoot!
 
Back to Big Daddy V threatening to rape us. Jesse and Festus are out to their Biscuits and Gravy jingle and are set to face random schmuck and tall fag with mohawk. Jesse is in a faux RVD outfit and tells us how Festus is like a wrestling tiger. The bell rings and Festus TRANSFORMS into that uncontrollable monster! He then goes and waits patiently on the apron to be tagged in as Jesse starts things off with random schmuck.
 
Jesse and Festus vs Random Schmuck and Fag With Mohawk w/mohawk
 
Jesse gets thrown out immediately, but comes back in to control with arm drags and headlocks and various apathy catalysts. Mohawk is then tagged in and so is Festus, who swats him down and hits a headbutt to his back and a legdrop to the back of the head. He then throws him into Nondescript Schmuck on the apron and hits a big boot. Schmuck gets the tag however and so does Jesse, who gets him in more headlocks until he is taken down with a clothesline. Deuce and Domino are watching this match from the back, despite not being the champions anymore. Mohawk back in who gets a single kick and tags back out to Schmuck. Festus is back in now, as he dominates with more unorthodox power moves and finishes by throwing Jesse from the turnbuckle into Schmuck for the flying shoulder block win. Damn. Now we have to hear Biscuits and Gravy again.
 
Winners : Jesse and Festus and nobody else.
 
In the back, Deuce and Domino mock the rednecks until Jamie Noble comes in to defend their similar fake lifestyles! Oh wait no, he's actually here to turn them against yet another Smackdown redneck, Jimmy Wang Yang. He claims he overheard Yang talking dirty about Cherry at "the bar". With details like that and a clear motive to get Yang hurt, who couldn't believe him? The Greasers however aren't very bright because they're from the wrong side of the tracks and thus did not receive proper education or nutrition when they were young and run off to go look for Yang as we head to commercials.
 
Beef pot pies should be outlawed, and not for being too delicious like macaroni should.
 
We're back to the MAJOR Brothers Brian and Brett. Brett will be in singles competition against Scottish newcomer Drew Mcintyre with Dave Taylor, because all foreigners are instantly evil allies. Umaga-Alejandro, Khali-Daivari, Team Canada, the list goes on. They show a pretaped interview Drew gave asking the crowd to chant USA to give him strength. Heat so cheap it can be found in the K-Mart bargain bin. Of course the crowd obliges for the beginning of the match, until they get bored with mindless patriotism and decide to watch the match.
 
Brett Major w/ Brian vs Drew Mcintyre w/Dave Taylor w/Evil anti-American motives for wrestling
 
They start off with basic lockup moves and arm wrenches which Brett wins with a hiptoss. He then gets in a headlock but Drew picks him up and carries him over and sets him outside on the apron. Brett back in but Mcintyre is on the attack with more arm wrenches. Brett escapes and runs off the ropes and hits a leg to Mcintyre's neck which takes him down in a legdrop position. He then hits an elbow off the ropes and a high dropkick to the head, but Dave attacks Brian on the outside which distracts Brett for Drew to roll him up for the win.
 
Winner : Drew Mcintyre
 
Diva Search shit follows. Tard Grisham asks what the sexiest food is. Um? One girl answers "Crawfish, because you can suck the head and lick the tail." I now have an interest in the diva search, and that is making sure whoever said that wins. I'm not paying especially close attention, as the tv is on mute from there, but for some reason there are several pictures of Tard shirtless on a bed kissing at the camera and beckoning. I scramble for the remote, because blinking extra long is out of the question, and realize MVP is on the screen. He's talking to his agent about Matt, who appears next to him. They agree to work as a team tonight against Taker and Kane and SHAKE on it, so you know it's bound to go well. Commercial time.
 
How much better is a PSP with Darth Vader's head drawn on it, really? 135%? Your damn right.
 
Back to MVP out with his usual excessive assortment of extra shit that he'll just have to take off in ten seconds anyway. That's probably why he's always out first. Hardy follows and so does Kane who gets to do his fire. Taker out last with bursts of flame rolling up from each side of the ramp which I guess is his new entrance. Half an hour later, this match is ready to get underway!
 
Matt Hardy and MVP (c) vs Undertaker and Kane, non-title match
 
Each team's respective workers start off as Kane hits a clothesline and scoop slam on Hardy. Tag to Taker who goes for the Old School but Matt blocks by pulling out, making Taker fall on his ass on the turnbuckle. Hardy up looking for the superplex but gets thrown down, but MVP shoves Taker off the turnbuckle from the apron. Kane now in who throws Hardy over the top rope and MVP is there to greet Kane but Taker is back in and they go for the double chokeslam but Hardy pulls out MVP for the save. This pisses MVP off for some reason though, as we go to commercials.
 
Oz.Mo
 
Back from the break to Taker beating up MVP in Taker's corner. Tag to Kane who is in with...we'll never know, because a giant fucking replay screen showing what happened before the commercial, ie four minutes ago, covers 3/4 of the screen as the current ensuing match is taking place in a little channel logo-sized window at the bottom corner. Back from that, Kane rams his shoulder into the ringpost and MVP takes advantage with mounted punches and a big boot in the corner which gets 2. Hardy in now with punches and shoulder thrusts to another replay, this one of the boot from ten seconds ago. Taker is now in somehow, I dunno I missed it cause the replay took precedence. Taker is stomping Matt who rallies and sends him to his corner and tags in MVP who hits some punches on Taker in the corner, but Taker throws MVP to another corner and hits strikes of his own. Taker hits multiple shoulder thrusts and then the old school for 2 as MVP got his foot on the rope. Kane in now with a Sidewalk slam that is PATENTED by the way. All those other guys who use it do it slightly differently, so it's cool. However, each time the announcers don't refer to theirs as "modified" or "inverted" sidewalk slams, Kane gets a check. Flying clothesline from there gets another 2 so Kane just tosses MVP out where Taker rams his head into the steel steps and rolls him partially back in the ring and hits the leg drop on the apron, which causes MVP to fall back outside. Kane rolls him back in for another 2 count. Taker tagged in and oh my God two consecutive recap videos, each two seconds long. MVP hits a running knee on Kane and tags in Matt who dodges Kane with his speedinessishness and wears Kane down, eventually hitting an elbow and then a legdrop from the second rope on a hunched over Kane. Twist of fate attempt turns into a big boot for Kane who lifts Hardy up but Hardy reverses into a successful twist of fate. MVP then tags himself in and tries to cover but only gets two, so he calls for the tag to Matt but Kane clotheslines and tags in Taker who hits a snake eyes on MVP, followed by a big boot and big legdrop for 2. Both men up and MVP dodges a punch which knocks Hardy off the apron. Kane in and hits an uppercut which sends MVP into Taker for the tombstone which of course gets 3.
 
Winners : Undertaker and Kane
 
Entire minutes of this match is recapped so I kind of tune out, only to have my attention grabbed back by hearing JBL hilariously state "Why do you think I'm only 6'6" now?" which would be so much better if I had heard what he was replying too. I'm such a shitty recapper. Commercials!
 
I wish my name was Torpedo Jones.
 
Back to Raw recap, except nobody cares because Raw is horrible. Not that anybody watching Smackdown would probably think so, though. New Mexican announcer named Anastascia is in the back interviewing Rey who switches between Spanish and English. He says he'll beat Finlay in TWO languages, and he didn't even need a translator, Kha-LI, you little bitch. Recap of Teddy's wedding and then we're in Vicky's office where she is talking to Jamie Noble. Noble tells Vicky she's an opportunist likes him and congratulates her on her job. She says Teddy should be better by next week, and puts him in a match against the UNDERTAKA, PLAYA! Oh, wait. No. The Great Khali. Man. Teddy's gonna be pissed when he finds out about this. That's really a great idea though. Can't beat a leprechaun? Here's a murderous giant then. Commercials! ...again? Again!
 
I wonder what those three lines of illegally small text say. Oh well, how bad can FREE* be?
 
Back to Khali's tiger on the screen. He cheers and yells something that this time sounded like "GOOOAAAAL" only deeper and angrier then it usually sounds. Noble out and is set to be squashed.
Cole claims Jamie Noble comes up to Khali's naval, which is true, if "naval" means "neck".
 
Jamie Noble vs The Great Khali
 
Khali throws down Noble, who runs to a turnbuckle. When Khali approaches he tries for a tornado ddt, but Khali just throws him off. Attempted clothesline that was more of a forearm graze sends Noble down and visegrip finishes.
 
Winner : The Great Khali
 
Commercials.
 
Not commercials. Clips from past Cyber Sundays remind us 53% of men are pedophiles as we see Trish stratus battle Stacy Kiebler in school girl outfits. Jimmy Wang Yang is out now.
 
Jimmy Want Yang w/mockable name vs Deuce w/Domino and Cherry and car
 
Shoving match results in the greaser beatdown, then for some reason Deuce sets up Yang backwards on the turnbuckle, also known as the exact fucking position he's trying to get into the entire match because his finisher is a moonsault. Yang of course hits the Yang Time rollup moonsault for three. Wang then proceeds to get both the Yin and the Yang beat out of him by punches from Domino, slaps from Cherry, and the Crack Em in the Mouth from Deuce.
 
Winner : Technically? Jimmy Wang Yang.
 
The same Punjabi video we saw at the beginning airs, and Batista is out next in the always classy black tank top with sports coat. Commercials.
 
Bill Hicks had some ugly shoes, for serious.
 
Back and Batista is set to do commentary on Rey-Finlay. Finlay is out first, and he approaches Batista and taps his belt on the announcer table with his shileighleigh. Recap of Rey-Finlay from last Sunday. Rey out next who cheers on the ringpost by emphasizing his Mexican tattoo on his waist with his hands to Batista. He's like you're best friend, dude. I'm pretty sure he knows you're Mexican. JBL reminds us we get to vote for the REFEREE~! of the title match at Cyber Sunday between Foley, Austin, and JBL because, for one night only, WE have CONTROL, even if it is over shit nobody in the world could care less about. Match starts and so does Cole talking about Batista's book.
 
Finlay vs Rey Mysterio, Number One Contender Match
 
Rey starts off by taking it to Finlay with STIFF punches because he's upset about Finlay actin a foo in last Sunday's match. He hits a headscissors which sends Finlay's head into the bottom turnbuckle pad. Throwing his head into padded cushion, control yourself! This isn't NO DQ, Rey! Right. Rey misses a moonsault and Finlay rolls out and gets his shileighleigh. I guess Finlay doesn't give a shit about winning. Rey however is over the top and takes Finlay out on the floor as we conveniently head to commercials.
 
Since Smackdown is pretaped, couldn't they pause the matches for commercials so we wouldn't miss anything? Guess that would cut into multiple identical video package time.
 
Back and Rey hits a nice dropkick on Finlay who is laying in the corner, the lazy slob. He hits a splash on Finlay from there over the ropes from the apron. He goes out on the apron again and heads to the turnbuckle but Finlay follows him onto the apron and shoves Rey into the ringpost and he falls off outside. He rolls him back in for 2. Finlay has Rey in the boston crab and drags him to the middle of the ring and Rey is about to tap when Finlay decides on a whim to let him out to knee him in the ribs for the pin which of course gets only 2. Rey is off the ropes but Finlay puts a stop to some lucha shit with a mean backbreaker and follows with more knees to the back. Rey is up and is off the ropes with a headscissors and jumps from the turnbuckle to hit a ddt on Finlay for 2. Punches to the head get Rey another 2. Rey then trips him up in 619 position (ONLY MINUS THE 1 LAWL! Okay...) but Finlay slides outside but Rey will not be deterred and just hits a baseball slide on Finlay which also sends Rey out. Both back in and Finlay hits some punches and the announcers declare it's turned into a BAH GAWD BRAWL. They try to make it look like a shoot fistfight which made Rey come off looking like a fucking seventh grader afraid to fight back while getting his ass kicked because he might get in trouble. Just go to homeschool for a year like I did, Rey! Erm. Moving swiftly on, during this BRAWL the ref was trying to seperate them and Finlay shoved him down so he called for the no contest, even though Finlay kinda was the one to shove him. Screw you Rey, faces only get clean wins! Finlay says fuck it and goes for his shileighleigh, but lights go out and Taker's gong dongs and when the light returns Finlay is on his side clutching his stomach and Taker is standing in the ring, eyeing both Finlay and Rey lying in pain. He then signals his invisible Mexican tattoo at Batista who raises his belt as we go off the air.
 
The uh, the bad stuff : Jesse and Festus are pretty unbearable.
 
Good great okay excellent volcanic and not badstuff : Tag match and surprisingly the greasers, who were entertaining and mildly funny in their backstage stuff.
 
Remember When : Vicky Guerrero was first on tv? Yeah, she hasn't gotten any better.

SEND FEEDBACK TO ANTHONY DEAN

 
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (10/19/07) 

 
Welcome to another edition of The Smackdown Recap! Or the Lowdown on Smackdown! Or something! I don't know, I'm pretty sure the title's on the page here somewhere. It doesn't matter though, because tonight, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, we'll see MVP battle Rey Mysterio! It's Malcom X vs 'Mexican' in a Tattoo Match! The winner gets to have theirs removed for free, while the loser is doomed to wear theirs as a badge of stupidity for all eternity! There's a chance I may have lied about something sometime recently.
 
Hey, Kane is still in the opening video despite being shipped to, er, "shared" with ECW. We start off with a replay of Finlay-Rey last week for number one contendership to Batista's title at Cyber Sunday which of course ended in a no contest and Undertaker laying out Finlay after the match, which by the way has earned him a title shot at Cyber Sunday.
 
Starting things off on the match side of things is The Great Khali taking on Kane, who will probably be pretty much written off Smackdown with this match, unless Kane wants to work two matches every Tuesday night.
 
The Great Khali vs Kane
 
Kane starts offense but Khali takes him down with a right and again with a headbutt. Big chop and bigger boot follow. Kane sitting on the ground now, so Khali gets in the visegrip, the most visually stunning move this side of the chinlock! Kane tries to fight out and gets to his feet but falls back to his knees. Up again and this time he battles out, but he turns right into a brain chop. Khali then signals for...something. It's the claw! But Kane gets the ropes so Khali takes to dominating Kane in the corner with elbows. Kane uppercut and strong rights free him from the corner. He hits a kick to the Great thigh which makes Khali stand there dazed for like twenty seconds so Kane can hit a flying clothesline. Chokeslam attempt fails however and he gets clotheslined outside. Khali follows him out and gets himself disqualified by choking him with a cable.
 
Winner : Kane. Or no contest, they didn't really say.
 
Outside, Kane fights back by slamming Khali's head into the steps, but BIG DADDY V is out with Matt Striker and make their way to the ring. Kane gets in and waits for them, but notices Khali coming back in from the other side, so he goes to attack him. V is in now and gets Kane from behind and they both lay him out. BUH-BLAAARGH! Commercials.
 
Commercials, rhymes with infomercials. And they're both kinda similar in definition, too!
 
Back and apparently there are things about Batista we don't know, things he's seen and done! No one cares what you did with your lesbian mother and her bearded Filipino friends, Batista. Interview time! Striker tells Kane he shouldn't have messed with V on ECW while V stands there holding his retarded V hand symbols and breathing hard from those twenty seconds of activity. Chuck Palumbo out now with Michelle McCool. He'll be going one on one with Chris Masters if you can believe that. JBL states that only one person has broken the masterlock and thanks to the literally SEVERAL of you that have emailed me, I now know this is true. Perhaps. Maybe. Okay it is. Fuck you.
 
Chuck Palumbo vs Chris Masters
 
Palumbo starts things off with a long headlock but Masters does what else but POWER OUT. He rolsl outside and distracts himself with McCool so Palumbo comes out and rolls him back in. They exchange punches "to the jaw" and then Palumbo gets a stalling vertical suplex. He then misses an elbow drop and Masters regains control with a big back body drop and strong rights but Palumbo "Chucks up" and no sells them. He then hits some clotheslines and goes to the top rope for a very clumsy shoulder block but Victoria is out to attack McCool, which distracts Palumbo for Masters to hit a forearm to his back
 
Winner : Chris Masters
 
Palumbo rolls out and sells his back attack and helpts McCool up.
 
In the back now with Hardy and MVP. MVP's starting to dig Hardy and says they're becoming partners, no, homies, no, FRIENDS. Like Tiger Woods and his caddy. At Cyber Sunday they'll be facing each other in a boxing match, regular match, or MMA match. I guess we get to look forward to a laughably fake MMA match at Cyber Sunday! MVP offers to help Hardy tonight with Finlay but Hardy declines and says he should focus on his match with Rey Mysterio. Hardy then leaves, only to come back and QUIP "I think you're much better than a caddy." When was the last time MVP defended his U.S. title, like fucking June? And don't email me with like "Nuh uh, July, and that's not counting that series of house shows that one weekend in September." I don curr. srsly.
 
So, wait, Pacman Jones was showing he was a team player by having his teammate do all the work, taking all the credit for it, and then just leaving as soon as they lose? Fuck you, TNA. Stomper too.
 
Back to Raw Rebound which is entirely consisted of Vince and Umaga destroying some jobber.
 
Hardy out with his tag strap to take on Finlay. This should be okay. Referee Rudy Charles with his Brian Peppers-like face will be the official. And no, as a matter of fact I didn't just add that to say how fucked up and Grinch-like Rudy Charles' face is. I said it because I'm that damn good. At pointing out other people's already overwhelmingly obvious flaws. Right. Bell!
 
Matt Hardy vs Finlay
 
Hardy controls early with a headlock but Finaly gets the ropes and Hardy cautiously lets Finlay out. Staredown and shoving contest and Finlay takes him down by grabbing his leg. Hardy fights out and kicks Finlay out of the ring and hits a Jeff dropkick through the ropes on Finlay, then goes out and rolls him back in, where Finlay slams him into the ringpost from the apron and sends Hardy back outside. Knee to the top of Matt's head as he was getting in. Er, I meant jaw. Sorry about that, Cole. Finlay hits his ass slam on a laying Hardy in the ring and then a single leg crab which Hardy kicks out of, but Finlay is still working the back with elbows and lays him out with a clothesline TO THE JAW and pin attempt for two. Cole has said jaw upwards of six times since the opening bell, despite no move other than headlocks coming remotely close to the jaw. And why just jaw, why not mix it up and say mandible, or chin? Fin's gotta big chin. Hardy gets his clothesline-bulldog corner combo for a two count, then a side effect for another two. Frantic arm flailing can only mean one thing this early in the match, missed twist of fate! Finlay throws him out but Hardy is on the second rope for...something, so Finlay just drags him off by his leg and hooks the leg for a two count, during which Finlay snatched off a turnbuckle cover and put it on Matt's crotch for...some pure technical wrestling purpose I'm not smart enough to understand. Sorry guys. JBL is equally confused, but Cole clears things up by saying "He was trying to cheat his way to victory!' Finlay is frustrated his padded crotch grab somehow failed and he went for his shileighleigh, which for some reason he's allowed to keep in the ring corner despite it being a deciding factor in virtually all of his matches, but MVP is out and slaps it away. Finlay looks pissed, but Matt hits the twist of fate on Finlay as he was turning back for the win. Commercials!
 
Finlay Chinlay.
 
Back to recap of the debuting Drew Mcintyre stealing the victory against a MAJOR brother last week. He is out now with Dave Taylor and man he looks like Brian Kendrick. He'll be facing one of the brothers in singles competition. You know, the dark-haired one. ...God I suck.
 
Drew Mcintyre w/Dave Taylor vs  Major brother w/Minor brother
 
Mcintyre takes him down with armbars but Major gets some arm drags into an arm bar. Taylor yells for him to get up so Drew obliges only to get knocked down with a shoulder block. He catches a crossbody however and drops him into the ropes for a modified snake eyes. Strange standing headlock submission thing on Major now. He then slams him for a two count after a slam and gets in another uncommon headlock which Major gets out of with an arm drag. He gets in dropkicks and other low impact moves that have made Bob Holly's career until Taylor distracts on the apron. Major knocks him off and goes flying over the ropes but misses Dave, who gets in an uppercut before rolling him back in for Mcintyre to hit his complete shot-like finisher for the win.
 
Winner : Drew Mcintyre
 
Recap now of the Batista-Undertaker saga, aka Batista's long-ass line of consecutive title shots. They'll be having a Reslemania Rematch at Syber Sunday where YOU have the POWER! To choose the special guest referee who won't even have an effect on the match anyway. JBL gets in the ring to prepare for his interview as we go to commercials.
 
The KKK took Bebe's kids away!
 
We're a-back as JBL holds a copy of Batista's book and talks up us having the power. He then chants his own initials for a while until Batista's music hits, who appears doing calisthetics on the ramp. Aww, Batista's going bald. Damnit. Bald Batista looked like shit. Batista apologizes for interrupting JBL's chants and I just realized there's only like six signs in the whole crowd, and they're all pro-Batista or pro-Rey. Damn English people and their manners. They talk about Cyber Sunday for a while and Batista tells whoever the referee ends up being to stay out of his way. JBL then starts talking about his book which apparently has a section of Batista talking about not being intimidated by the Undertaker and wanting to defeat him. Kayfabe in an autobiography? God Batista's gay. Batista reiterates he's not afraid of Taker and JBL seemingly ends the interview with "Okay, see you at Cyber Sunday", but when Batista was leaving the ring he added "coward" so Batista speared him and left, giving the priveleged front row people awkward high fives on his way out.
 
Maria Bamford is even more adorable without pink hair! I know, I know, but it's true.
 
Back to Diva Search showing the Diva hopefuls giving dummies CPR. By sitting on their chests and simulating sex and making out with them. Somebody got off. I think it was Johnny Ace. There's only three left, for those of you following along at home (all three of you!).
 
Deuce and Domino out now, and who the fuck wears a watch to the ring? Recap of them beating down Jimmy Yang last week. Yang and Shannon Moore will be their opponents.

Deuce and Domino w/ Cherry vs Jimmy Wang Yang and Shannon Moore
 
Yang dominates early and Domino rolls out, only to be splashed by Yang over the top rope as Deuce gets one from Moore off the apron. Moore in now who hits some early crossbodies and the like until Deuce puts things to a halt with a headlock, but Moore gets out and rolls into the tag to Yang. Lot of quick action from Yang now who "discombobulates" Deuce with crazy kicks and awesome reversals as Cole exclaims "I guess we'll have to take these guys seriously from now on!" Damnit Cole, you're not supposed reference their obvious lower standing in the company out loud! Gives them nothing to fight for. Other than the cruiserweight title, I mean. What? Oh, right. Nevermind... Moore throws Domino out of the ring with a headscissors while Moore was on the apron just in time for Yang to hit the Yang Time for the three on Domino.
 
Winner : Shannon Moore, Jimmy Want Yang, and you, for that Hi-LARIOUS pun.
 
The cruiserweights celebrate by dancing to Yang's music on the ramp. This is the first match Moore looked strong in since he was main eventing TNA. And then he just fucks it up by square dancing with the cowboy. Regardless, good match, especially considering it went about three minutes.
 
In the back now with Vicky and Noble, who is in tears over being squashed by Khali last week. He apologizes for doing whatever he did to deserve that. She accepts, but he continues by saying he understands she's under pressure and she's got raging female horomones, but he'd be willing to do anything to help her out. She takes him up on it and puts him in a match tonight with the Undertaker. I guess Teddy is back in control behind the scenes. Noble storms off screaming in frustration. Seriously, such weak motivation. So is Vicky heel now or, what the fuck was that? Commercials.
 
Stay tuned for Mose's table making demonstration, followed by ladybugs.
 
Back to the Just For Men Stay in the Game Moment, which is Undertaker signaling he wants the belt last week. Riveting moment, I'm telling ye olde balding and graying men. Taker out now to squash Noble. And hey, there's an Undertaker sign in the crowd! I'm surprised the camera guy found one. Do English people not bring a lot of signs or, something? I've counted like eight tonight, arena-wide.
 
The Undertaker w/number one contendership and rare signs vs Noble w/tears
 
Noble gets in mounted punches and kicks on Taker in the corner, but he gets thrown off and hit with a huge chokeslam. Closeup on Taker's gray sideburns in what should really be the Just For Men moment. Tombstone for three. Huge pop for the win, the crowd is just crazy for Taker. Seriously, they even broke out a couple SIGNS on his account! That's when you know you've made it in England. Commercials.
 
Sheep, in the BIG CIIIITEEEEY! Baaaaa!
 
Back to dvd ad for The Biggest Little Man, Rey Mysterio's three disc collection. That's pretty cool I guess, but what will Hornswoggle's dvd compilation be called? The Littlest Retarded Bastard Midget? Probably not. At all.
 
MVP is out ticking, tocking, and gunning with his usual forty pounds of belts, chains, extra shirts, sweatbands, sunglasses, breathe-rite strip, bag of cheese curls, gray plastic owl, forty three dollars in foreign change, copy of the Nation of Islam newsletter, and condoms. LOOK OUT MVP, IS DATELINE!!! Yeah I'm being stupid, but I've gotta fill up some space here because there's yet more commercials.
 
My Spanish teacher quit today. How will I order Mexican food now?!
 
Back to Rey's entrance, who gives a shirt to a kid in a Rey mask. Buy a hundred and sixty dollar leather mask, get a twenty dollar t-shirt FREE~!
 
MVP vs Rey Mysterio
 
Rey gets in a lot of kicks early on, culminating in a dropkick from the apron to MVP and then a splash over the ropes. Missed 619 attempt leads to MVP's running knee smash for two. Rey dodges an MVP boot and sends MVP over the top rope. Rey up on the turnbuckle now and stands up and hits a HUUUUUUU-UUUUUJJJEH splash off the turnbuckle to a standing MVP on the outside. Other stuff happens, then MVP gets Rey up on his shoulders on the apron and drops him inside the ring with a press slam. He then enters and knocks Rey right back out with his running boot. Back in the ring, MVP dominates with a big belly to belly but misses a running boot in the corner, leaving him open for Rey to get in kicks and other assorted luchaness. Springboard something, seated senton, weird pin, that whole bit. Crowd chanting for 619 now, but MVP plants Rey with a tilt-a-whirl slam for two. Rey hits a 619 but as he was going for the seated senton MVP counters with a slam for a close two. MVP goes for the playmaker but Finlay pulls him out for the Dairy Queen victory. Rey then hits a baseball slide on MVP, so Finlay then just knocks the shit out of Rey as they brawl in the ring until Rey gets a big hurricarana which sends him outside to watch Rey posture on the turnbuckle. END SHOW.
 
The "Mitch Hedberg" Good Stuff : MVP-Rey, and Finlay-Hardy was solid. Whatever that means.
 
The "Arj Barker" Terrible Stuff With A Bad Goatee : Nothing, decent show for once. I guess Palumbo-Masters, just on principle.
 
The "Bill Hicks" Remember When : Viscera was a jobber? As in, four months ago? I guess exposing your breasts gets you a push. Just ask Candice! And take note, Melina.

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Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (10/26/07) 

 
Welcome all to another edition of the Smackdown! Ho-down! Or something! Yeah! I'm doing lots of exclaiming! Because this Smackdown was surprisingly good, and I say surprisingly because, well come on, it's Smackdown, but also because this Sunday is Cyber, and the last show before a PPV usually sucks with a lot of bad promos and not a lot of real matches. Not that tonight was short on that by any means, but the midcard and JBL absolutely made the show.
 
Smackdown opens with MVP's Lounge, and he's lounging with his Tag Team Champion partner, and the number one contender to his United States title this Sunday, Matt Hardy. Also in the LOUNGE are Finlay and Rey Mysterio, who will also be facing each other this Sunday. Later tonight, however, will be MVP and Hardy vs Finlay and Rey. I SMELL TURMOIL! Not an actual tag team turmoil match type, though, because nobody likes the greasers and Jesse and Festus are gay, so we're kinda stuck with just the two. MVP reminds everyone that they're all just here to chill and are his guests and they will all conduct themselves as such. I have a good feeling about this! Finlay starts the lounging off by talking down Rey about their match this Sunday, so Rey rebuttals in Mexicanese, because all traditional Irishmen are very fluent in Spanish. The Irish love them some Taco Bell. Or if they live in a small Southern town with no regular enforcement of health codes whatsoever like I do, The Country Burrito. Hometown pride! At this point, dropping out and getting my GED somewhere else isn't looking so bad. Anyway. After putting down that Irish ese, Rey brings up MVP and Hardy's Cyber Sunday match. Hardy claims the match will be good for their team, while MVP thinks Matt shouldn't be so obsessed with his US Title and they should just focus on their Tag Team championships. Because Jesse and Festus and random cruiserweight pairings are gunnin' for em! Hardy, reflecting the state of public schools in North Carolina, states they are the "most functional dysfunctional team." Finlay, who by now had been shoving Rey in that playfully drunk I-want-to-fight-but-don't-want-to-throw-the- first-punch-so-I'll-just-physically-provoke-you-until-you-do-something-because-I'm-on-probation way, gets what he wants and Rey attacks him by sending him out of the ring and continuing the brawl outside. Matt comments "And I thought we were bad." Commercials!
 
The other night at this thing I saw some guy from the Eagles play "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd, and I was wearing my Pink Floyd thermal shirt. Coincidence? Or do I need more than three long sleeve shirts? You decide!
 
Back to ECW and Smackdown thupastha KANE taking on Smackdown exclusive~! Mark Henry. 
 
Kane vs Mark Henry
 
I guess Kane hurt his ribs on ECW, and since Kane only specializes in healing burn and other various skin wounds extraordinarally fast, internal injuries take a bit longer. Oh well, at least he never got zits in high school. Not that there were a whole lot of girls willing to go to the dance with the guy who burned his parents alive anyway, but still. The "self-proclaimed" Silverback (He said it, not us! We tried to talk him out of it, but he insisted on comparing himself to a monkey! WE'RE NOT RACIST!) targets the ribs throughout and it's your standard plodding big guy vs fat ass match. Henry looks to have the win when he locks in the bearhug (He also wanted to be compared to a bear! Please don't call Rev Jackson...) but Kane eventually fights out with standard Kane offense including punches, a big boot, uppercuts, and a couple chokeslam attempts. Henry however continues to go after Kane's injured ribs until Kane tries for a third chokeslam and nails it for the 3 count. Cue Sugar Shane! Broken neck you say? Well I guess there's still Shannon Moore... nah forget it, I don't even want to do it anymore.
 
Winner : Kane
 
Tag match next, and there'll be an ECW match later tonight, featuring the Miz! "Hoo-rah"? More like, "who, uh, thought this would be a good idea?" I know, I know. I'm incredible. Commercials.
 
ATHFCMFFT wasn't that great. Or watchable.
 
Out next are the tag champs set to take on Finlay and Rey Mysterio. It's the white Southerner and the Black Panther teaming up to stop immigration from around the world! It's nice that after all those years of tension, these two groups can finally work together in reluctant unity to at least agree neither of them are inferior to foreigners, all the while still keeping up their thinly-veiled hatred for each other. Or perhaps I'm just digging for something to make fun of now because this is going to be a great match.
 
WWE,  Tag Team Champions MVP and Matt Hardy vs Finlay and Rey Mysterio, non-title
 
Hardy taking on Finlay first and they exchange a few lockup moves and Finlay tags in Rey, who continues the plethora of armbars and technical stuff that's supposed to be impressive but secretly nobody cares about. MVP tags himself in when Rey pushed Hardy into his own corner. Nice, Rey. MVP takes Rey down with strikes and elbows but Rey fights back with a hurricarana. Both tag their partners and Finlay and Hardy are back in and we are back where we started at the beginning of the match. Hardy takes Finlay down with a couple of shoulder blocks, so he tags out to Rey again. Mysterio in now with his speed, but running really fast isn't exactly the best defense against a clothesline. Hardy follows this hit with a scoop slam and elbow drop for two. Tag to MVP now who works Mysterio's knee with kicks until Rey manages to tag in Finlay again, who works the back of MVP with knees. Scoop slam for two, followed by a whip to the corner which knocks MVP down. Finlay does his ass slam sit on the P's back for another two, but MVP's foot saves him with the rope break. Finlay tags out to Rey who jumps over the ropes onto MVP and then climbs the turnbuckle but gets straddled by MVP, who then works the knee again. Rey connects with a kick RIGHT IN THE JAW but MVP just slams him for two, however Finlay makes the save. Hardy in now to help out MVP but this pisses MVP off and Finlay helping Rey also turns that team upside down and both teams are arguing amongst eachother as we go to commercials.
 
I want to live in the Waverly Hills Sanatorium, if only to get on tv. And meet the Ghosthunters, get a autograph. They can sign it "TAPS". Nipple to nipple. That's right.
 
Back to Hardy taking it to Finlay with that ground pound stuff he does when he's pretending he's not a borderline cruiserweight. He then tags to MVP and they double team Finlay, but he escapes and goes for the tag, but wuz dis?! Dissention among the rock-solid team of Rey Mysterio and Finlay?! Rey backs away and leaves Finlay to get beat all up on in the corner until he finally breaks free and this time tags in Rey who hits MVP with a dropkick for two. Finlay finally got a blow in edgewise, and got the tag from Rey who nailed MVP with a drop kick for a near fall. Rey follows with a leg drop and applies a choke on MVP with his legs, but MVP gets out and puts a leg lock on Mysterio. He then lifts Rey up by his leg and slams his knee in the always eye-wincing spot. Rey tries to roll out, but Finlay boots him back in the ring. Hardy gets the tag and tried to slam Rey, but he reversed it into a hurricarana which opens up the seven inch gash that needed like 35 stitches to close. Despite this, Hardy hits the side effect for two, but the damage to Hardy had been done and he is a bloody mess. Finlay tagged in now and he shows his compassion to Hardy's predicament by busting him open more with punches and shit, culminating in putting his knee behind Hardy's head and dropping him dead for the unbelievable kick out at two. Finlay kicks him in the head and gives a hard clothesline and tags back in Rey, who seemed like he didn't want to touch Hardy. Don't worry Rey, after that Bob Orton fiasco, WWE has been on top of that shit. Rey gets over it and kicks Hardy into 619 position, but MVP tags himself in only to end up in the second rope guillotine right next to his partner and they both receive a 619. Rey now over the ropes for a splash but that gets intercepted by Finlay and his beating stick to Rey's stomach. MVP recovers and hits the Playmaker for the pinfall to end this excellent match.
Winners : Matt Hardy and MVP
 
After the match, Finlay was eyeing Hardy, but MVP protected him from further bloodymentness.
 
 And now, just in case you missed Raw this week, we get to be reminded how much we all want Eve to win over Brooke with the Diva Dis. Diva Search winner to be decided next Monday on Raw, I know you won't miss that.
 
In the back now with Noble and Vickie and my God Noble, what are you, retarded? First he wants to be on the show more, so he gets a match with Khali. Then he tried apologizing for whatever he did to deserve that match and he got the Undertaker. What will happen this week? He'll try to hit on her and get Batista one on one.
 
Batista vs Jamie Noble, Squash Match Hat Trick
 
Noble looks petrified. He gets in a kick to Batista's stomach and a couple of punches, then receives a spear, spinebuster, and Batista bomb for a nearfall. Or fall. I forget.
Winner : Really?
 
Man that was fun. But as every Smackdown viewer knows, the minimum quota for squash matches on Friday nights is two, so we get
 
Jesse and Festus vs Jobbers! Again!
 
Jesse and Festus win after Festus went all retard while Jesse looked gay.
 
Winners : Really?!
 
Commercials.
 
Okay, so yeah, I actually find Danny Devito entertaining on It's Always Sunny.
 

As part of their "talent exchange" tonight's Smackdown will feature ECW starts! Against each other! Right. Wasn't the point of this to give guys from both shows new opponents? Oh well. I guess it makes sense as long as you don't, you know, think about it. All three of these men are on the ballot to face CM Punk for the ECW World Title at Cyber Sunday, and this match is apparently designed to possibly give each guy a chance to earn a few more votes so the gap they lose to John Morrison won't be quite as embarrassing.
 
John Morrison w/o promo abilities vs Miz w/o crowd support vs Big Titty D's w/o shirt, Triple Threat
 
Morrison and Miz start off ready to double team V, but Morrison BETRAYS Miz and shoves him into V, who V begins to devour until Morrison jumps him from behind and gets slammed to the mat. Both guys in the corner now for the running big splash spot which V follows up with a double clothesline that knocks both guys out of the ring. V lumbers out after them and sets them up in the same position against the ring post and goes for another run after them but they move and he hits the steel post. Miz and Morrison back in the ring and Miz surprisingly gets in offense wtih a kick to the gut of Morrison as he was running. Morrison however gets in an enziguri a second later. Miz now with what I suppose is standard Miz offense, I don't know I've never seen any. This includes a rake to the eyes and a spot where he hangs Morrison over the second rope and runs and jumps over Morrison and the top rope and hits a legdrop or something on Morrison and lands outside. V however immediately takes Miz down and gets back in the ring, where Morrison fails to mount any effective offense and receives a Samoan drop. Miz back in to do the job after a side slam by V for the 123.
 
Winner : Big Daddy V
 
I guess that was your main event, because up next after the break is JBL inteviewing Undertaker, who is always such a talker. It's been all downhill after that great tag match, we need to get some excitement on this show. Hit them motherfucking commercials or I will rape you! No? Oh.
 
"Lemme tell you bout my new best friend, Barnaby Joooooones!"
 
JBL has a bunch of tacky shit set up in the ring and is getting into the spirit of the "Cyber Sunday election" with buttons and t-shirts because He Wants YOU! To vote for him to be the special referee for Batista and Undertaker's Wrestlemania Rematch for the World Heavyweight Championship. You know, not counting all those other ones they had before Taker's injury. His pre-interview promo does not disappoint. I love JBL as the bitter has-been champion. As for when he was the actual champion, not so much. It's weird just how much a decent two minute promo can really set the mood and add excitement to a match. And by it's weird I mean it's weird nobody else seems to realize this and actually make it happen more. Taker out now and JBL commands him to put on one of his shirts. Undertaker doesn't oblige because he is dark and brooding and will not conform to others' style of dress! Seriously, even in high school he never wore that Blue and Red that decorated the halls during homecoming. He spent every pep rally in the library with the dopey senior who threw clappers at the cheerleaders last year and the girl with hydrocephalus. JBL also told Taker to "pledge allegiance" to him, which Taker also did not do in high school, but he wasn't punished for this because that would be illegal. Undertaker just glares at JBL, which infuriates him into saying that while Batista may have never beaten Taker, he has several times. Taker answers with a chokeslam. Batista out now and into the ring. He throws his belt down and stares Taker down. Taker took a step toward it and Batista speared him and says he's not afraid of him. Batista then leaves, while Taker sits up and we get a close up of his sinister mascara.
 
END SHOW.
 
"Shawn Michaels" Highlight Award of the Night : Definitely the excellent tag match. Jesse and Festus are so impressive.
 
"Marty Jannetty" Less Impressive And Overshadowed Fuckup of the Night : Noble vs Vickie feud and seemingly pointless ECW integration. Why not put CM Punk on Smackdown where he can have more challengers than John Morrison and the fucking Miz?
 
"Sensational Sherri" Remember When : Smackdown had a respectable cruiserweight division? Me neither. But at least there always was a champion. What the fuck, it's been a month now and there's been no mention of it. I guess Jimmy Yang and Shannon Moore can just set their sights on occassionally teaming up and losing to the tag team champions whenever the tag division gets thin.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).