Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum


SmackDown Rant Archive (October 2006)

October 06, 2006
October 13, 2006
October 20, 2006
October 27, 2006

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (10/06/06)

As much as I would like to make a funny opening intro, I don’t think anything I can come up with is funnier than the fact that one of the supervisors at my work is Vietnamese, and his parents decided to call him Charlie. I’m sorry, but it just…had to be shared.


Anyways, lets get on with the first match:


Rey Mysterio and Matt Hardy vs. Chavickie and Gregory Helms


JESUS CHRIST finally they change the match type between Matt and Helms. That was getting to be more monotonous than All Hail King Booker my first girlfriend’s nagging ‘Please! For the love of God untie me!’. Ah she has such a cute face though. Well, not by the end of the night but whatever.


Anyways, Rey starts off against Helms and they hit some nice kicks and punches and the like. A few counters follow next, a hurricanrana from Rey being one and a nice move by Helms that reverses a springboard double axe handle. Good stuff.


Eventually Hardy gets the hot tag and ends up Side-Effecting Chavo. I wonder what the ‘side effect’ actually is….syphilis?


Pathetically lame jokes aside, Rey is back in and hits a springboard crossbody on Helsm, though he was aiming for Chavo. Hardy and Rey set up for the Poetry in motion, but Chavo counters, but Rey counters this with a hurricanrana into the 619 position. Hardy gets Helms into position too and Rey hits them both with it. Chavo is dragged out by Vickie as Helms is hit with a Twist of Fate. Hardy and Rey are your winners.


What did I gain from this match? - Lord knows the impact of the 619 isn’t week enough already without being shared by two fully-grown guys.


Tatanka vs. Elijah Burke


Battle of the oppressed ethnicities! All it needs is Goldberg to fill it out. Tatanka hits some of his lethal chops that are virtually identical to getting hit with a tomahawk and are in no way the only move that he knows how to do. You’d think his people might have fared better if they annihilated the settlers with a FLURRY OF CHOPS?!


Probably not. Anyway, Burke hits a very nice looking springboard elbow drop onto Tatanka, who of course battles back with right hands. And a few clotheslines thrown in for good measure. He hits a Russian legsweep but Turkay distracts him which opens the window for Burke to hit the stroke and get the pin.


What did I gain from this match? – You know it doesn’t bode well for Burke’s rep if he needs the help of a big lug to help him beat like a 50 year old Native American.


Post match Turkay beats on Tatanka. Oh good lord, please don’t let this be a feud. Actually, it could be pretty good.



Burke: Wrong Turkey, man.


Aaaah hilarity.


Backstage Booker is telling Finlay he must lay down for him tonight in their match. Finlay refuses and asks if Regal would do the same, before Regal just walks off, utterly stunned at being asked such a question. Finlay tells Booker he likes to fight, much to Booker’s chagrin.


King Booker vs. Finlay


This was a good match. The crowd was behind Finlay all the way. At least for a portion of it. They started chanting ‘Boring’ at one point. Kind of unjust, I think. Booker starts off by telling Finlay to lay down for the king. Sharmell tries to get Finlay’s stick (bahahaa) which draws Finlay out of the ring, right into a baseball slide from Booker.


Back in, Booker chokes out the Irishman. Soon enough Finlay’s back on his feet and ramming Booker into a steel post. He goes for a clothesline but is countered into a Bookend, which gets countered as well.


Anyways Sharmell distracts the Irish one which lets Booker clobber him. However, Little Bastard makes the save by chasing Sharmell off with a rat, distracting Booker, which lets Finlay hit him with the stick, and gets the pin! Finlay wins, but it was non-title.


What did I gain from this match? – So…if Finlay does an Irish whip. Does he just call it a whip?


Lashley vs. Batista – First names? FIRST NAMES? WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ FIRST NAMES


Hoo boy. Who’s idea was this? Probably the same guy who thought Alien vs. Predator would be a good match up. Although that kinda did happen when Super Crazy fought Mark Henry…


Anyways, well, what else do you expect? It’s a hosstacular event of hosstastic proportions. They basically bump into each other like two retards trying to pass each other in a corridor. They punch each other for a bit then Lashleys in the corner getting hit with a clothesline and some shoulder tackles. Batista ends up missing a clothesline (lot of that going on tonight…is everyone shorter than their opponent thinks?) and gets hit with a running powerslam, but it ends in a no contest when Finlay comes out and nails Batista


What did I gain from this match? – You know if you combined the amount of muscle in that ring right now you could probably make a replica of the old Chris Masters.


Booker then comes out and attacks Finlay, so Lashley and Batista go at it as well. Long comes out and announces a Fatal Four Way at No Mercy for the title. Should be good. Let’s hope Finlay doesn’t take the ‘Fatal’ thing too seriously and ends up being seen scuttling from under the ring suspiciously before the event…although, it would be pretty funny to see Little Bastard jump out with dynamite strapped to him. Little Bits of Bastard more like! Ah whisky, you are my one true friend.


Anyway backstage the four are still arguing when suddenly Batista asks why they just can’t all get along. HA. He shakes hands with Lashley, and they all argue again before Long announces the main event. Lashley and Batista vs. Booker and Finlay.


Sylvan vs. Jimmy Wang Yang


Yang is still over despite last week’s faux pas. It doesn’t really matter though seeing as they do the exact same fucking thing with Yang pulling out some neat shit for Sylvan to just steal another victory. I swear to God it’s like a French Cena.


Yang hits nice moves like a rolling wheel kick and some headscissors, but is hit with a spinning plex for a nearfall. He’s off the second rope but is hit IN MID AIR with a spinning wheel kick great visual. Goes for a victory roll but Sylvan reverses and holds the ropes for the win.


What did I gain from this match? - Vous ne pouvez pas me voir!


Kennedy is out now with a very intriguing promo on the Undertaker. He basically says how the Undertaker’s act is old, stale and not impressing anyone. In a way he has a point. As much as a Taker mark I am, Kennedy deserves to walk away with this one. He calls Taker’s mind games ‘cheap tricks’ and says taker will remember the name of Kennedy. Good promo and build.


Ashley w/ London and Kendrick vs. Michelle McCool w/ James and Stevens


Not exactly epic. After interference from Stevens and James, Michelle gets a rollup and grabs the tights for the win.


What did I gain from this match? – Barely a boner.


Lashley and Batista vs. King Booker and Finlay


A good match that the crowd made even better. Great atmosphere. After taking a beating Lashley hits a righteous spear onto Booker and then hot tags it to Batista who gets a HUGE pop. He gets some rights on Booker but it all ends up in utter chaos though, as Regal appears and causes a no contest. Little Bastard comes in at one point and manages to escape getting killed by Batista. It all ends with Batista and Lashley staring down to end the show.


AWW JHYEEAH – Not a bad night, wrestling wise. I liked the build to the title match at No Mercy


DAYUM – The women’s tag match was nothing special.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick 

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (10/13/06)

Man, my intros are starting to suck. If only I had a past-it metal band to sing my intro edited in with a montage of all my best moments like Smackdown actually does…




Aaaand it still sucked. Can’t win.


Anyways, Apparently we have an MVP appearance tonight, whoopy day. Perhaps he will tell us that he is awesome, for ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WWE Y’ALL.


Kennedy’s out first and he announces that he has a match tonight with a surprise opponent, which if he wins, he will go to RAW. Oh for the love of…if I get Cena and lose Kennedy I officially quit. Seriously though, how are we supposed to be taking the brand split all that seriously when guys are openly bragging about going to the other show? Vince, it’s NOT THE SAME AS TRANSFERRING TO WCW. Although with the nonsensical booking of ‘the other show’, I suppose it is somewhat accurate…


Where was I? Oh yeah. Turns out the surprise opponent is Chris Benoit! Good stuff. I wonder if he’ll be pronounced as hailing from CAH-NAH-DAAAAAH.


US Champion Ken Kennedy vs. Chris Benoit – US Title Match


Benoit slaughters Kennedy like a President on a Plane (Coming to a cinema near you!) but he turns it round and shoves Benoit’s arm into the post. JBL starts blabbering about how he’s the play-by-play guy. No, JBL, I believe the phrase YOU’RE looking for is ‘play-with-guys’.


Anyways, Kennedy works on that arm, with the standard offence including armbars and the jumping arm DDT. Few restholds later and Taker’s music hits, distracting Kennedy, which lets Benoit lock in the Crossface for the win. New US Champ!


What did I gain from this match? – Huzzah! Benoit is champ! Time for WWE to find some bodybuilder for him to job to!


Backstage now and Long is once again with Booker and Sharmell. Is he their pimp or something? Booker says that due to the upcoming Champion of Champions match he shouldn’t have to defend the belt, but Long isn’t having it.


Seriously, is anyone else getting a ‘Roadrunner’ kind of vibe from these endless Booker/Long sketches? Booker seems akin to Wil E Coyote in that he JUST NEVER GETS WHAT HE WANTS. One day I’m expecting Booker to strap a rocket to his back and fire himself at Long in an attempt to get him out of a title shot, but Long quickly ducks, before running off going ‘Meep Meep! Ya dig?’


Vito vs. William Peni-…Regal


More like WILLY Regal AM I RIGHT.


How long are these guys gonna feud and have the exact same match? Regal beats the crap out of Vito with some forearms to the corner, but Vito fights back and manages to get his upskirt submission slapped on for the win.


What did I gain from this match? – I guess you could say…William Regal COCKED up! Aaaah lame.


Interview with Lashley next, who pretty much just mumbles about how he’s an underdog. ‘I ain’t gonna win no matches, bawss’ kinda thing.


MVP is out bigging himself up, claiming there’s no competition here. Oh there is, dude, it’s just that you have to progress through it slowly, beating one guy week after week for around 2 months before moving on.


Anyway Long is out and he claims he has an opponent for MVP, and debuts Kane to Smackdown. WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN that when he LEFT RAW he would have chosen SMACKDOWN? My God, points on unpredictability, Vince.


MVP vs. Kane


MVP procrastinates (thank you, Word a Day Calendar!) the start of the match to do some stretches, but when he gets down to it he resorts to raking the eyes and running off to get counted out. Well. Kane AND MVP’s debuts are off to a flying start.


What did I gain from this match? – I suppose that is the only way they could really book that correctly, but here’s an alternative – DON’T MAKE THAT MATCH IF YOU CAN’T BOOK IT WELL.


Chavickie tells Rey that they’re there to watch his match against Jamie Noble. They added ‘tell your soul we didn’t hear it say No’ Ahaha, rape jokes. Pinnacle of my comedy.


Rey Mysterio vs. Jamie Noble w/…Kash Payment! Aha! Ya see…what I did there with the…oh you know what, seriously, the Kash jokes suck.


JBL curiously states how the Pitbulls meant nothing yet when they were a team he was bigging them up endlessly. He has about as much continuity as JR’s face…whatever that means.


It’s a short and easy match, with Rey getting a comeback against a once dominant Noble and hitting a 619 for the standard pin.


What did I gain from this match? – Man, and the worst part is this time Noble can’t blame an injection in his ass for being fired.


Chavo gets on mic post match and challenges Rey to an I Quit match, the loser of which has to leave for good. Which in WWE speak, ‘for good’ likely means ‘couple of months’ or ‘to other show’.


Jimmy Yang, Paul London and Brian Kendrick w/ Ashley vs. KC James, Idol Stevens and Sylvan w/ Michelle McCool


Yang does some impressive kicks to start us off, and what really baffles me is the way Sylvan seems to be being put over the way a hoss would, hitting power moves on the other guys. Le Animal! Yang wins with a moonsault.


What did I gain from this match? – haha, Sylvan got hit by a Wang! Not the firs-…what do you mean that joke’s already been done? Fuck.


Cole interviews Finlay who threatens to hit Cole seeing as he doubted whether or not he could win. Cole responded as per usual. Over exaggerated hyperbole. Speaking of which, am I the only guy who wants Cole to team up with Joey Styles?




Batista’s indahouse and is saying he’s going to reclaim his title because he’s never had anything…handed to him. But…that’s what happened when he first won the title in the first place..


Number One Contender’s match – Lashley vs. Finlay vs. Batista vs. First Names


Booker and Sharmell on Commentary. Booker calls Finlay a Judas, but what with the somewhat recent controversy surrounding Judas, that’s surely a compliment? They should call Long Leonardo Da Vinci seeing as he’s keen on fucking Booker’s shit up. Can The Theodore Long Code be far behind?


A nice little spot occurs after being led up to by Finlay’s pin being interrupted by Little Bastard jumping on the ref, a chase on the outside, and Lashley clotheslining Finlay as he LEAPFROGS over the midget. Batista soon ends up double powerbombed on a table but...slides off. BAH GAWD THE CARNAGE.


Batista comes back though and does the unthinkable by chucking the spear at LASHLEY. If only the black and Latino gangs could have gang wars like this though. Lots more innocents would remain unharmed if all they did was tackle each other in the streets. (I realise Batista isn’t Latino but SO HELP ME I WILL MAKE MORE JOKES IF YOU DEFY ME).


Batista then hits the powerbomb for the win.


What did I gain from this match? – Hey, maybe this will lead to a Finlay/Lashley feu-..God no.


Anyway as the show goes off the air Cole is ranting about how Cena and Big Show will be here next week. Oh goody. I can be treated to the sight of Cena acting more black than Booker does.


AWW JHYEEAH – Very well wrestled matches tonight, besides Vito’s uselessness, they’ve gotten rid of most of Smackdown’s core flaws, such as Tatanka, and Sylvan in singles competition.


DAYUM – MVP/Kane. If they can’t make either man look good, there’s no point in making them both look lame either.


Well that’s all for now folks. And remember; always go for the girl who’s wearing crutches. It’s not like she can run away. G’night everybody!

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick 

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (10/20/06)
Greetings, friends! I come bearing good news! No longer will I accept the black persecution, for I have decided to…um, no longer be one.
That’s right, I realised as much racial tension as there can be, black people aren’t ‘really’ all that persecuted nowadays. If only Chris Rock and every other black comedian in America could realise this, we might be spared their ridiculously formulaic humour. But I digress. You see, it occurred to me that if I really want a cause, I needed to convert. Convert, I say? Yes I do, Joe. To being a MUSLIM.
That’s right. I am converting to da mothafuckin’ shizlam, yo. Joesama Never Bin Laden has a better ring to it than Joehammad anyways. And wanna talk about persecuted? Muslims truly have a bad deal of it, man. I mean, they can’t go to stores without buying defective clothing that bloody explodes at the most inopportune moments. Not to mention that if it weren’t for arranged marriages none of them would EVER get laid, as evident in those emails girls get on myspace airing such social gems as ‘I LOV U WE DANCE AND MEK LUV UNDER MOONLIGHT YES BE MY WIFE PLZ’
So, Allah if ya hear me!
MVP is out first, telling us he wasn’t ready for Kane last week. He must have been the only man on the planet who didn’t predict Kane showing up on Smackdown but what the hey. Appears he’s also the only man on the planet to think that that outfit looks good on him. Yeesh.
Pyro, and Kane is out to face MVP.
Kane vs. MVP
MVP is on the attack but is soon extinguished by Kane’s right hands. After an outside encounter, which led to Kane’s knee meeting the ringsteps, MVP attacks the appendage. Kane gets back into it though with a big boot, side slam and top rope clothesline. He goes for the chokeslam but MVP, leading to a DQ, hits a blatant low blow.
How did this match offend me? – A DQ for a short opening match? Infidels!
Some chick called Mindy Sterling is out now to watch the next match. Recapping that fact was about as useful as the fact itself.
Elijah Burke w/ Sylvester Turkay vs. Vito
Vito’s in a French Maid outfit to the disgust of everyone. Cole spazzes out as per usual. Vito’s dominance is brought to an abrupt halt after he misses a top rope elbow, allowing Burke to work over him. It leads to Vito going for his finisher, but missing and being pushed into the ropes where Turkay clocks him, and Burke goes for the pin, and we have a winner.
How did this match offend me? – Again, SD showing too much monotony. It figures that Vito’s first loss in ages just happens to still be the exact same kinda match that Burke has had the last few weeks.
Backstage Hardy is having a hissy fit tiff with Helms over who is the girlier of the two. They then exchange sissy slaps before Matt goes ‘nooo, stawwwp it!’ and Helms does the truffle shuffle. Ok whatever, not really. Helms claims he can beat any man, but Long of course hears this and books a match between him and Undertaker. Undertaker against a Hurricane eh? Looks like Helms better ‘loot’ a win am I right? Huh?
Regal sketch now, and ol’ Willy looks less than impressed. I gotta say, most people who saw his No Mercy debacle will know the same feeling. He claims he’s been treated like a doormat for anyone. Surprisingly he mentions his stint with Burchill, who I thought WWE had completely forgotten about. He then tells us he has Dave Taylor covering his back, which is hilarious for me because my old Media teacher was called that. Yeah whatever I don’t care if you find it funny, Saddam would have laughed.
Dave Taylor and William Regal vs. Funki (Funaki and Scotty 2 Hotty)
A knee to the face of Funaki sets his eyes straight before Taylor gets tagged in and hits some uppercuts. Quick tag later and Regal is back in. JBL explains Taylor’s WCW run and his history, whilst Cole offers nothing, leading to the conclusion that the dude knows shit about wrestling other than why an RKO IS A FEROCIOUS FINISHER.
Some more quick tags, and Scotty gets in at one point, but is immediately taken out by Taylor for the win.
How did this match offend me? – Well, I ain’t a fan of squashes, but it was only Scotty after all.
Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Guerrero w/ Vickie Guerrero – I Quit match

Seriously, why is chanting for Eddie gonna help Eddie’s friend more than his FUCKING NEPHEW WHO HE SAW AS A BROTHER? Jesus marks are dumb. Headscissors to the outside and Rey follows up with a senton over the top which connects. Outside he hits Chavo into the ringpost, and then back in the ring he hits 3 chairshots and then dropkicks the chair into Chavo’s face. After a 619, he goes to the top but Vickie interferes and knocks him off. Chavo then goes straight for the injured knee.
He traps the knee in the chair, and after a while they’re outside and up the ramp. Rey blocks a suplex and hits one of his own onto the ramp. Chavo ends up falling off the ramp and Rey follows with a nice looking senton. Chavo fights back after being choked, and ends up hanging Rey UPSIDE DOWN by the leg and keeps hitting his knee with the chair, until Rey actually quits. Awesome match.
How did this match offend me? – Didn’t at all. The only bad thing about this match was the angle. And I have to mention it because, well, us Muslims aint ever satisfied is we.
Undertaker vs. Gregory Helms
Cole helpfully reminds us it’s a non-title match. Thanks, Cole, and here’s me thinking Taker had lost weight.
Quick match, Taker hits a snake eyes, chokeslam, tombstone and there you have it.
How did this match offend me? – Like a Down’s syndrome child, it was pointless.
Kennedy comes out next and attacks Taker, but is hit with a chokeslam and retreats.
The worst WWE segment in a long while now airs with a Diva dance off, with Nick and Aaron Carter acting as gust judges. This was truly despicable. Miz basically yaps on and on and actually sings a Backstreet Boys song for Nick to no reaction whatsoever. Jesus Christ, I can’t bring myself to say anymore. No WONDER we hate the West.
Batista vs., King Booker – World Title Match
I gotta say, bad move putting the Diva shitfest before your main event. But anyway. Batista with the early advantage after a shoulder block and some elbows to the head in the corner. Booker fights back with a nice chop and an attempted Axe Kick, which gets countered into a clothesline over the top rope.
Outside, Sharmell distracts the ref as Finlay appears and clotheslines Batista. Booker then gets Batista on the apron and hits a leg drop for a near fall. Cena and Big Show are watching on as Booker works on Batista’s arm. Eventually Batista comes back with a powerbomb and spinebuster, and hits Booker out of the ring again after another near fall. This leads to them knocking Show out of his chair, so he interferes and causes a DQ in favour of Batista.
Cena gets in and helps Batista attack Show, which prompts Long to come out and declare Batista/Cena vs. Show/Booker next week, because suddenly the Brand Split doesn’t mean shit. End show.
ALEEYEEAHLEEYEEAAAHLEEEYEEEAH – The I Quit match was excellent, best wrestled SD match in a while.
JIHAD – Conversely, the Dance-off was puerile crap, I honestly don’t know why anyone thought it even had a place on the show.
Anyway that’s all for this week, infidels, join me next week and the proceeding, to check out my Smacky Downy Islammy goodness! Ta-ta!

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick 

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (10/27/06)
Let it be known what I go through to provide you guys these damn recaps. Eager to embrace my new Islam conversion, I decided to try this whole ‘Suicide Bomb’ lark, and I gotta tell ya, it stings like a BITCH at first, but at least I recovered. Also, probably would have been more effective if I’d have done it in a public place and not accidentally pulled the cord whilst pulling up my fly in my bathroom…there was porcelain EVERYWHERE.
First off this week Batista makes his way to the ring, and when he arrives he tells us how he realised his dream at Wrestlemania 21 and it was the saddest day of his life when he had to give it up. He then says his mission is to reclaim it. Seriously who hasn’t got this message by now? Especially such an OBVIOUS one. Like we were expecting him to come back and be all like ‘eh, I got my health right?’ before having an unexpected heart attack oh noes.
Batista claims that Finlay is ruining his mission, and calls him out. Instead, Paul Heyman arrives with security, and tells Dave that Long is holding him back, and he would make Batista a great champion on ECW. Batista considers this, before laying out the security. Big Show comes in to chokeslam Dave which puzzles me as Heyman JUST said that he would make Batista the ECW champ, therefore taking it off Big Show. Ah well, no one said the big guy was smart.
Show is taken out by Dave but Booker comes in, who gets hit by Cena. Commercials next.
Dave Taylor and William Regal vs. Lashley and Tatanka
Tatanka and Lashley…yeah, makes sense. Maybe Lashley can become a member of Tatanka’s tribe and be called ‘Running with Spears’. As opposed to K-Fed, who’s known as ‘Sponging off Spears’.
A lot of quick tags from both teams to start out, with Regal gaining the upper hand on Lashley with the help of Taylor from the outside. Eventually Lashley hits Regal with a clothesline before making the tag to Tatanka whose name I think I’ve typoed more than any other word I have attempted to type. Ever. Tatabja dominates at first but Regal sneaks in and rolls him up for a quick 3 count with his feet on the ropes.
What did I gain from this match? – That’ll teach Americans, both African and Native, that the Brits still know how to dominate yo ass.
Post match, Tanatka lays out the referee and Lashley. A Tatanka heel turn? INTRIGUE.
Backstage Benoit is asked about the prospect of facing Umaga on Cyber Sunday, (this proves Benoit’s legit toughness, for if I was in his shoes, I’d gladly strap some C4 to my ass) but before he answers he spots Vickie Guerrero, and asks her whats going on with her and Rey. She says they have nothing to discuss, and that Benoit wasn’t as close to Eddie as he thinks he was. do these people realise it is ONE WEEK away from being the one year anniversary of Eddie’s death, and they STILL haven’t shut the fuck up about it?
Another backstage segment shows MVP telling Long he doesn’t feel well so he’s off home as his conract allows it. Great. Well worth showing him on a backstage segment for that. Kennedy is up next, who tells Long he wants Undertaker tonight, but Long says he isn’t in the building, so he puts him up against Kane instead, in a no-DQ match.
Yet another segment next with Vickie mentioning her run in with Benoit. Chavo says not to avoid him, as he should keep his friends close but his enemies closer. Cole as per usual contributes with an insanely redundant remark. ‘That was weird’. Not as weird as cages feeding on flesh, jackhole.
Matt Hardy vs. Gregory Helms
Man, these matches are getting more churned out than Friday 13th movies. Probably just gave Vince an idea with that comparison. Tune in next week for Matt Hardy slitting his wrists with a machete or….some shit.
The match is pretty back and forth until Hardy is knocked outside and then hit with a clothesline. They go back into the ring as JBL gives an amusing comparison ‘Helms fell in love with winning, as Hardy fell in love with the internet’ Hey, is he trying to insinuate that internet users aren’t winners?! I’m going to WRITE AN EMAIL OF COMPLAINT FOR THAT.
Hardy powers out of a headlock and hits some clotheslines before missing a second rope leg drop. Shining Wizard attempt later, but is countered into a Side Effect and near fall. Hardy went for a Samoan Drop but Helms countered it into a quick pin for the win.
What did I gain from this match? – Nothing more than what I gained from their last dozen encounters.
Backstage, Kendrick and London start arguing about who would look hotter in Ashley’s Halloween outfit, Ashley or London. I know the answer to that. NEITHER. Women shouldn’t be exposing any more then their EYELINE anyway. You know, the old Joe would have made a joke about how he once talked to a Muslim woman who had on one of those robes who had knocked on his door, but he talked to her through the letterbox to see how she liked it. But NOT JOESAMA….wait.

I love how Cole buries Smackdown completely by, instead of putting over how Kane is an asset to the SD roster, simply says how he’s only here because he lost on RAW.
The match is pretty much a squash, which I wouldn’t mind normally, as Kane needs some credibility, but not over goddamn Kennedy. He manages to hit Kane’s left leg a few tiems but Kane remains in control for the majority. That is until Kennedy reaches for a chair and knocks the shit out of Kane’s knee. He continues this until Kane hits back with a clothesline and a shoddy backdrop. He goes to the top but MVP knocks him over. Kennedy goes to capatalise but is hit with a big boot. Kane goes for the chokeslam but MVP hits his knee with the chair, and as he falls over, Kennedy gets the pin.
What did I gain from this match? – Kane: OW-MY-KNEEEEE
Backstage Cena offers Batista a handshake, who laughs and tells Cena to stop being soft. Cena then tells Batista that he’s been sloppy since his return, and wants him to be back on form for tonight. Like Cena has a right to say that, seriously.
Chavo and Vickie are in the ring now and they say that Rey isn’t around now because of his crushed leg. Benoit comes out though, and clears the ring.
The Divas hit the ring now and GAH MY EYES are burning from too much EXPOSED FLESH. HARLOTS! Anyway the whole thing really isn’t worth recapping, except for Boogeyman’s appearance at the end where he spits worms onto Kristal’s face after Miz pushes her over for some reason. Meh.
Batista and John Cena vs. Big Show and King Booker – Brand Extension? Haha, you kid, right? Match
Cena starts off with Bookman and hits some right hands and a hiptoss. Batista is tagged in and launches a quick assault before Cena is back in. soon they double team Booker, hitting a double clothesline over the top rope.
After commercial, Batista is in control. He tags in Cena but he gets blindsided and Booker tags out to Show. He hits Cena with a suplex before tagging back out. Eventually Cena ends up powering out of a rear chinlock from Booker and gets the hot tag to Batista. Show simply looks on as Booker meets his end after a Five Knuckle Shuffle then a Batista bomb for the pin.
What did I gain from this match? – honestly, it’s hard to come up with something witty after such an average show. So let’s just throw out the word ‘Muslim’ and you make your own joke, kay?
ALEEEYEEEAAHLEEEYEEAAAH – Main event was alright, best match of them all but that ain’t saying much
The Benoit/Chavo shit. Eddie has seriously been dead for very close to a year, and these people STILL won’t just let him DIE.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick 

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).