Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum


November 07, 2008
November 14, 2008
November 21, 2008
November 28, 2008

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (11/07/08) 

Hey everybody, did ya miss me? Yes, Shane Steele returns with another edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown after missing last week's edition of Smackdown due to plans to go out of town. Sorry! But hey, I'm back now, so lets get down to some stuff that hopefully won't be shit.
We get a quick recap of last week's casket match between Undertaker and uber-lame nemesis Chavo Guerrero? Seriously, Chavo in a casket match? Tonight, ol' UT squares of with the embodiment of Communism, Vladimir Kozlov, where Kozlov will get a title shot if he wins, and R-Truth takes on Shelton Benjamin for the US title.
MVP is out with the VIP Lounge set up. He says he's sick of flak about his losing streak from guys like the now mega-annoying Hurricane Helms, but it won't matter because he'll turn it around soon enough. Well, at least he's an optimist. Most people who lose a lot get depressed. This draws out Khali to...cheers? What the hell? MVP starts getting pissy and Runjin says it's time for the Kiss Cam! DEAR GOD HELP ME! He invites MVP to join the "fun", but P wisely slinks to the outside of the ring. Runjin picks a fat black woman out of the stands and brings her in. Then he wants another one and picks a really ugly fat woman. MVP looks on in disgust. Khali makes out with the black woman first, then gives the ugly one a quick peck on the cheek because she's so ugly she doesn't deserve make-out. Then Runjin calls for Khali to make out with both of them at the same time, which makes me think he may just have some sort of fetish. Khali complies to create the ultimate nastiness, which is mercifully broken up by the antics of MVP, who Khali chases off.
Vickie is backstage with Big Show. She says she might've gotten the wrong giant, which causes Show to storm off. MVP comes in now to complain about Khali, but Vickie just jokes about him losing so much, then makes a match between the two. The US title match is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Hellboy commercials can't even get some awesome Ron Perlman quotes in. Something must be wrong with that movie.
R-Truth vs. United States Champion Shelton Benjamin (US Title Match)
After the lock-up, Shelton works a headlock, but Truth counters out with a back suplex for 2. Truth gets in some nice flips and spins, but Shelton puts an end to that by slamming Truth into his knee. Benji starts to work a submission, but Truth powers out and hits some clotheslines for 2. Shelton goes for a powerbomb, but Truth escapes and hits the 360 forearm for 2. Truth blocks a crossbody attempt and goes for the scissors kick, but Shelton rolls out of the ring. Truth launches himself onto Shelton with an insane suicide plancha. Back in the ring, a missile dropkick gets 2. Shelton manages to drop Truth onto the ropes and hit Paydirt to retain.
WINNER AND STILL US CHAMPION: Shelton Benjamin. Since we're in Orlando, I guess this is Vince's way of saying "Ha! Even your former two-time World champion isn't good enough for my second-tier belt! FOOLS!".
Jimmy Wang Yang runs into The Brian Kendrick and Ezekiel Jackson backstage. Kendrick is granted the awesome oppurunity to quote some "Pulp Fiction". Tight.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: No way anybody could think Pizza Hut is gourmet.
Ezekiel Jackson W/ The Brian Kendrick vs. Jimmy Wang Yang
Jimmy manages to get in a few punches and kicks, but they're no match for the hoss-tacular SHOULDER BLOCKS and TOSSES of Big Zeke. The move I'm referring to as Black Bottom, in honor of Zeke's trunks, wins it.
WINNER: Ezekiel Jackson. After the match, Zeke sets up Yang so that Kendrick can hit The Kendrick on him. Then Kendrick dances as only he can.
Now we get a quick look at Vladimir Kozlov and his Communist ways of equal distribution to the people...of beatings!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: You know your movie's bad when all you can say about it is that it was used to start a TV series.
Eve approaches Michelle McCool and asks if she'll give her some advice on becoming a wrestler. Michelle tells her to start dating a man in power so he can help you get a stranglehold on the division and no-sell your opponents. Or she says something about heart and determination. Oh, and she calls Maria dumb. Maria pops up from behind her, completely oblivious to the previous insults, and says she plans to take the title from Michelle next week.
Quick RAW recap. Kinda raises the question of why Batista needed to win the title at Cyber Sunday in the first place.
Jeff is talking to Vickie about getting another shot at the WWE title, but Vickie rightfully says he's had enough shots and that he's only good at tagging. BURN!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That IS a lot of food.
Triple H and Jeff Hardy vs. John Morrison & The Miz
Morrison and his sparkly abs start off with Triple H. Morrison tries some corner offense, but Trips counters with a clothesline and a suplex. Tag to Jeff Hardy. Morrison tries to recollect with Miz outside, but Jeff kicks them both, then dives onto them. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I recognize the girl in the Guitar Hero commercial, but I can't remember who she is.
We return to Hardy working a headlock on Miz. Legdrop to the nether-regions gets 2. Hardy tries to go up top, but Morrison distracts him and Miz knocks him off the apron. Back in the ring, Miz tags to Morrison and they hit the slingshot-elbow drop combo for 2. Morrison works a headlock. Jeff tries to battle out, but Morrison tags in Miz, who hits an inverted legsweep for 2. Tag to Morrison and the double gutbuster gets 2. Hardy fights away from Morrison, but he doesn't tag to Triple H as Morrison tags in Miz. Hardy dodges the Miz corner clothesline and hits his usual spots, such as the crazy corner kick, Whisper in the Wind, and the suplex slam. Morrison stops the Swanton attempt, but Triple H comes in and destroys both Miz and Morrison. Jeff grabs a chair and goes to town on Miz and Morrison to draw the DQ.
WINNERS BY DQ: Miz and Morrison.
Hardy chases Morrison up the ramp and throws the chair at him, which he hilariously hops away from. Triple H gives Miz a Pedigree because, well, it's what Triple H does.
Eve backstage with Vladimir Kozlov. Kozlov says he will break Undertaker, then crush Triple H. Somewhere, Ivan Drago is smiling.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That Gears of War 2 commercial is kinda depressing.
Jeff asks Vickie if that was extreme enough for a title shot, but Vickie says a deal is a deal with Vladimir and sends Jeff away. Since when whacking a few guys with a chair get you a title shot?
Show pops up to send a message to Undertaker. And apparently, it's that Show figured out 'Taker draws his power from the fear of his opponents. Good for you, Show! Show says he isn't afraid of Undertaker and challenges him to a casket match at Survivor Series. Then he lumbers off.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Adding Jigsaw to The Punisher is a good idea.
MVP vs. The Great Khali W/ Runjin Singh
P tries to punch and kick, but Khali has none of it and clobbers him with a clothesline. Khali continues to beat on MVP and hits the chokebomb for the win.
WINNER: The Great Khali.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That kid has one creepy voice.
Brie Bella vs. Victoria W/ Natalya
I missed most of this match because I fell asleep. In my defense, I woke up at three this morning. I'm assuming Victoria beat the shit out of Brie for most of the match until the end, where I woke up to see Brie roll her up for the win.
WINNER: Brie Bella.
After the match, Natalya attacks and Brie goes under the ring. Victoria and Natalya both pull out a girl, revealing THE SECRET WWE MAGAZINE REVEALED A MONTH AGO! Yes, Bella twins. The girls hit a pair of facebusters on Victoria and Natalya.
More Cena promos. Ah, the days when he was tolerable on Smackdown. Kozlov-'Taker is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I love that there's just a random parrot behind the crazy old guy.
Vladimir Kozlov vs. The Undertaker (But First, COMMERCIALS!)
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: How do you get a car in a maternity ward.
Lock-up. Kozlov works a headlock, then hits a clothesline after 'Taker tries to escape. UT follows with the almot identical spot, only substituting a shoulder block for the clothesline. He follows that up with a big boot and a clothesline over the top rope. 'Taker tosses Kozlov back onto the apron and hits a legdrop. Kozlov tries to attack in the corner, but Undertaker hits a clothesline for 2. Kozlov is able to rebound with a belly-to-belly suplex. A punching contest ensues, but Kozlov starts headbutting and a kick to the sternum gets 2. 'Taker fires back with punches and clotheslines, but Snake Eyes is countered into a slam. Undertaker goes for an arm submission, but Kozlov reaches the ropes. Jeff Hardy comes in and rams Kozlov in the stomach with a chair to draw the DQ.
WINNER BY DQ: Vladimir Kozlov.
Jeff also whacks Undertaker for good measure, but 'Taker chases him off and chokeslams Kozlov, as Communism learns it is no match for a good ol' fashioned Monarchy.
Backstage, Jeff demands Vickie make an Extreme Rules match between him and The Undertaker, which Vickie allows. Oh silly! I thought those were ECW exclusive!
Well, that caps off my return edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown! Until next week, I'm Shane Steele (unless I fall asleep and miss the whole show).


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (11/14/08) 

Cheerio! It's the Lowdown on Smackdown, and since we're in England tonight, I felt like breaking out a bit of Brit jargon just to kick things off. Don't expect much more of it.
We kick off the show with a replay of Jeff going nuts last week and hitting everything not named Triple H with a chair. Then we see a casket in the ring as the eerie druid chants go on. An Undertaker voiceover says he'll punish Big Show and stuff him in the casket. Then 'Taker pops out of the casket and glowers angrily until the now crazed Jeff pops up on the TitanTron. In some bizarre homage to Sting and Japanese Kabuki puppets, Jeff has painted his face a dark white (gray? Can't tell.) tonight. Jeff says he'll go extreme tonight and 'Taker says Jeff will rest in peace. Undertaker vs. Hardy in Extreme Rules tonight, but next is Matt Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: The new Bond series needs some better villains.
ECW Champion Matt Hardy vs. US Champion Shelton Benjamin (Non-Title Match)
Benji scores a takedown and tries for a few submissions, but Hardy fights out only to get shoulderblocked for 2. Shelton tries a headlock, which Matt reverses into a headlock using his leg. Shelton escapes to apply an armbar. Matt fights out and hits a back elbow for 2. Matt works a hammerlock for a while until Shelton escapes by leaping off the ropes and performing an armdrag. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Amscot is nothing like Heaven. If it is, Hell seems pretty good right now.
Hardy is beating on Shelton and hits the elbowdrop to the back for 2. Shelton escapes a suplex attempt and goes after the leg. Diving elbow onto the leg gets 2. Hardy reverses a clothesline attempt into a Side Effect for 2. Corner clothesline-bulldog combo gets 2. Shelton whiffs on the dragon whip attempt, but hits a straight kick to the face for 2. Shelton hits a pair of Stinger splashes, but the third is countered into a Side Effect for 2. Shelton counters a Twist of Fate attempt into a backbreaker. Shelton goes for a top rope back suplex, but Hardy knocks him off and hits a moonsault for 2. A series of counters leads to Shelton working a Boston crab on Hardy, who eventually reaches the ropes. Shelton goes for Paydirt, but Matt hits the Twist of Fate "outta nowhere" (despite this happening in his past six hundred matches or so) for the win.
WINNER: Matt Hardy.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: 20 bucks for pasta and pizza seems a little steep.
Jeff vs. Undertaker via Smackdown vs. RAW 2009. Here, you can skip 'Taker's mega-long entrance. I am not so lucky.
The Brian Kendrick W/ Ezekiel Jackson vs. Carlito W/ Primo
Kenndrick works the body, but Carlito reverses and does the same thing. After some rolling around, both men get up and Kendrick starts kicking like crazy. Carlito fights back with a big clothesline and later hits a dropkick and an armdrag for 2. An armbar is worked, but Kendrick reaches the ropes and starts working over Carlito's arm. Carlito escapes and hits a big swinging neckbreaker for 2. Kendrick shoves Carlito into the middle turnbuckle and works a camel clutch. Carlito manages to escape and goes lucha crazy, hitting a springboard elbow for 2. Carlito knocks Kendrick into the corner, but Zeke distracts him by attacking Primo. This allows Kendrick to hit The Kendrick for the win.
WINNER: The Brian Kendrick. Contract signing for the WWE Championship match at Survivor Series is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Transporter 3: It's like Speed with a car instead of a bus.
Kizarny promo in which he shows us a human blockhead in action. Thizat's crizeepy.
More Cena-loving, but you've gotta love the Triple H cheapshot about "noticing his flaws". Oh, Triple H. Always scouting new talent...for flaws.
Vickie, the contract signing set-up, and Chavo are in the ring. Vickie promises no physicality between the two men and then we get a commercial break?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That's not attitude, that's angst.
Excuse me! Vickie's back! She says if Jeff follows throught and beats Undertaker, he has a chance of being added to the Championship match. Kozlov comes out first, looking snazzy like any good Communist. Then Triple H comes out in his old friend, the leather jacket. Trips fires off a few "Vickie's fat" jokes before both men sit down and get down to business. Kozlov signs the contract and says something in Russian, which of course, Triple H mocks. But then Kozlov tells him to SHUT UP. AWESOME! Of course , Trips disregards him and begins to launch into a trademark Triple H promo about how awesome he is, only to be interrupted halfway by Jeff Hardy, who leaps off the top turnbuckle onto Kozlov and drives him through the table. In Soviet Russia, table go through you! Jeff tears up the contract and storms off.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Robert Pattinson looks a lot like Chris Jericho.
MVP vs. Kung Fu Naki
MVP starts off by working over Naki's arm, but Naki starts to fight back with thrusts and kicks. P stops him with a knee to the face. Khali's music hits and he heads for the ring. MVP stares, then turns around into the Crane Kick.
WINNER: Kung Fu Naki.
Khali brain chops MVP for good measure. Twice. Then Runjin starts to look through the crowd and picks out another gross, hideous fat woman. MVP gets Chokebombed. Khali actually bails on the kiss (this one's REALLY ugly) before mushmouthing to Runjin, who tells the woman to kiss the unconcious body of MVP. The lady complies and MVP rolls out of the ring in disgust.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: There was no need to remake and totally shit on a great movie like The Day the Earth Stood Still.
Maria vs. Divas Champion *snort* Michelle McCool (Divas Championship Match)
Michelle starts things off with a headlock and Jesse and Festus start to head to the ring. Festus has a teddy bear in hand. Michelle is kicking Maria's ass until Maria hits an enziguir for...1. Maria punches away, but Michelle flips over her and locks in the Brazilian Heel Hook for the win.
The bell has been rung, so Festus goes insane and chases off Michelle, then gives the bear to Maria. Aw. Hardy-'Taker is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: So is "Call of Duty: World at War" set in Vietnam?
Quick RAW recap. Somebody got thrown onto the old-time British car, so I'm a happy man.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I'll bet that KFC box is WAY more expensive than a combo meal.
...vs. The Undertaker (Extreme Rules Match)
Jeff hits a few forearms before Undertaker nails a big boot. Jeff rebounds by clotheslining UT over the ropes, kicking him away, and leaping onto him from the barricade. Undertaker recovers to slam Hardy into the steps. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Neil Patrick Harris is awesome.
'Taker is now slamming Hardy into the corner. Then he tosses Jeff from the ring, into the barricade, and onto the table in that order. Undertaker sets up Hardy for a legdrop on the apron, only he adds a chair and makes it extra-painful. While 'Taker is looking for an extra chair, Hardy grabs a Kendo stick and goes to town on Undertaker with it. Once it's back in the ring, however, 'Taker stops him with a big boot. Now UT has the stick and whacks Hardy in the back with it. Back outside the ring, Ha rdy dodges a big boot and leaves Undertaker hanging on the barricade. Hardy tries some punches, but gets floored by a big right from 'Taker. Hardy recovers and slams UT into the steps, then dives onto him from the steps. 'Taker forgets to sell after Hardy hits him for a minute, then falls over. Once back in the ring, Hardy blocks an Old School attempt and brings out a ladder, which UT kicks into his face. Well, that worked. 'Taker tries to Irish Whip Hardy into the corner, but Hardy turns it into a Whisper in the Wind. Big Show then heads down to the ring, tosses Jeff, and chokeslams Undertaker. Jeff Hardy fights back and 'Taker sneaks up from behind to hit Show in the back with the chair and send him out of the ring. Hardy snatches the chair and nails 'Taker with it, then climbs the ladder and connects with a legdrop to the...chest? It gets 3 anyway,
WINNER: Jeff Hardy.
Jeff finds Vickie backstage. Vickie says if he can beat Triple H next week, he'll be added to the title match. Yeah, good luck with that, Jeff.
Well, so ends another edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown. Until next week, I'm Shane Steele (or am I...?).


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (11/21/08) 

Hey hey hey! Shane Steele here with an usually late edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown. Why the lateness? Well, Friday night I was in my high school's production of Li'l Abner, in which I played Senator Phogbound and the Russian Radio Commentator (which allowed me to pay homage to my favorite Communist, Vladimir Kozlov). Of course, thanks to the mighty miracle that is YouTube and user CMPunk508, I still managed to see MOST of th e show and recap it.
Tonight, we will witness Jeff Hardy vs. Triple H with the possibility of Jeff earning a spot in the championship match Sunday and Undertaker will read Big Show his last rites. Whatever that means.
R-Truth and ECW Champion Matt Hardy vs. US Champion Shelton Benjamin and Mark Henry W/ Tony Atlas
Shelton starts off with Truth and starts throwing punches, but Truth fires back and manages to get an armbar going. Tag to Hardy and a pair of elbows get 2. More armbar goodness. Tag to Truth, who applys an armbar-headlock combo. Shelton escapes and hits a snapmare for 2. A headlock is worked until Truth fights out and hits a dropkick for 2. Tag to Hardy. A double hiptoss-clothesline combo sends Shelton out of the ring as we go to break. We return to see Matt go for a Twist of Fate on Benji, only to ha ve him get double teamed while Tony Atlas distracts the ref.  Tag to Fat Man. Fatty punches, headbutts, and stands on Hardy before tagging back to Shelton. Shelton works a headlock, then a leglock. Tag to Fatso. Scoop slam gets 2. Bearhug. Matt escapes a corner slam attempt and dodges a butt drop. Simultaneous tags see Truth come in with a HOUSE OF FIYAH on Shelton. Bulldog gets 2 before Fatty breaks it up. Truth is thinking scissors kick, but Shelton counters with a Samoan Drop. Matt goes and takes ou t Fat Man and Atlas (or as I like to call them, Black Attack) while Shelton misses a Stinger Splash. Truth hits the 360 forearm and the spinning scissors kick for the win.
WINNERS: R-Truth and Matt Hardy.
Eve backstage with Triple H. Trips sputters for a bit, then asks if they're real, compliments their roundness, and touches them. Of course, I'm referring to the pearls she's wearing. What did you think I was talking about? Pervert. Typical Triple H "Those guys suck, I'm so great, I'm Triple H, blah, blah, blah" promo until Kozlov interrupts. He says the "King of the Kings" days as champ are numbered. This guy is awesome.
Maria and Festus are talking until Miz and Morrison interrupt. Morrison calls Maria's phots airbrushed and Miz gives Festus a wet Willy. Jeez, those are still around? Doesn't bullying ever change?
John Morrison & The Miz vs. Jesse & Festus
The bell rings and Festus goes insane. Morrison gets in a few punches before being utterly clobbered. Tag to Jesse, who hits a clothesline for 2. Morrison reverses an Irish whip into a leaping kick of awesomeness. Tag to Miz, who hits a corner clothesline. Chinlock is worked until Jesse fights out and escapes a suplex attempt. Tag to Festus, who destroys Miz and blasts Morrison. Morrison crawls to announce table and rings the bell, thus rendering Festus stupid again. Miz tosses Jesse from the ring and hits the Reality Check on Festus for the win.
WINNERS: Miz and Morrison. Post-match, Morrison hits a Moonlight Drive on Jesse and walks off with the ring bell. I'm sure it will be autographed and auctioned off on wwe.com soon.
Jeff Hardy W/ Face Painted Like A Raccoon vs. WWE Champion Triple H (Non-Title Match)
Handshake, which Jeff uses to pull Trips in for some punches. A hurricarana is followed by more punches. Trips rolls out of the ring and Jeff jumps off the apron to take him down. He rolls HHH back into the ring and hits the legdrop to the nether-regions, followed by a low dropkick for 2. Trips dodges the crazy corner kick and goes for the Pedigree, but  Jeff  reverses, slingshots Triple H into the turnbuckle and hits a legsweep. Jeff goes up top, but comes down once he sees Trips getting up. He goes for a crossbody, but Trips sees it coming and dodges, so Jeff just lands on his face and rolls out of the ring. Back from the break, Trips is utterly obliterating Jeff. Irish Whip into the corner gets 2. Backbreaker gets 2. Clothesline gets 2. Trips works an abdominal stretch not once, but twice. Facecrusher gets 2. Jeff escapes with a jawbreaker, but eats Double A spinebuster to loud boos. Pedigree attempt, but Jeff escapes with a big back body drop. A pair of Whisper in the Winds get 2. Craz y corner kick also gets 2. Jeff tosses Trips out of the ring, then bounces his head off the announce table. Legdrop over the ropes gets 2. Jeff hits the facebuster suplex and head up top, but misses the Swanton. HERE COMES COMMUNISM! Sadly, Trips knocks Kozlov off the apron, then Jeff Hardy leaps over the ropes to take him out. Triple H tries to suplex him back into the ring, but Jeff reverses and rolls him up for the win.
WINNER: Jeff Hardy. Trips and Jeff shake hands, but Kozlov destroys the both of them. Jeff gets fallaway slammed and Trips eats headbutt and powerslam.
There's actually supposed to be a Primo & Carlito vs. The Brian Kendrick & Ezekiel Jackson recap here, but I couldn't find it on YouTube. You're welcome to try and find it if you like.
MVP vs. James Mason W/ The Ugliest Tights Imaginable
P goes for the early cover and gets 2. Punches get 2. P hits a boot to the face, but before he can cover, Khali and Runjin head for the ring. While MVP shouts at Khali, Mason rolls him up for the win.
WINNER: James Mason. Loser: Anyone who saw those tights. And could we not get one of Smackdown's own jobbers like Scotty Goldman to get a win in? Sheesh. Oh, and Khali brain chopped MVP. Yes, again.
The Bella Twins vs. Natalya & Victoria

One twin starts off with Victoria. I'll say it's Nikki. She works an armbar and turns it into a nice armdrag. Tag to Brie. Double team move gets 2. Victoria slams Brie into the corner and tags to Natalya. Natalya gets slapped and a sunset flip gets 1. Tag to Nikki, who hits a running snapmare. Tag to Brie, who gets kicked by Victoria as she tries to bounce off the ropes. Tag to Victoria, who hits a spinning side slam for 2. Brie escapes a Boston Crab attempt and tags to Nikki, who knocks Natalya off the apr on and hits a pair of dropkicks on Victoria. Victoria manages to hit the Widows Peak after some punches, but while the ref is busy with Natalya, Brie pulls the ol' switcheroo with her sister and rolls up Victoria for the win.
WINNERS: The Bella Twins.
There's a casket in the ring now. Undertaker takes his sweet time getting down to the ring. 'Taker warns Show that he will end up in the casket, then calls the casket a vehicle. Um, how? I've never seen anyone driving a casket around Main Street. Big Show, Chavo, and Vickie head for the ring. Show says he isn't scared of 'Taker and ol' UT has no power over him. 'Taker opens the casket, the lights go out, and suddenly, Vickie is in the ring. Undertaker puts her in the casket while Big Show proceeds to make the worst sad face ever. Show tosses Chavo into the ring and as he gets obliterated, Show retrieves Vickie from the casket and they make their escape. Chavo? Not so lucky. He eats Tombstone and gets tossed in the casket for the second time in a month. Don't get to comfy in their, buddy.
So, thus ends this pretty crappy edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown. Join me next week as I actually watch the show on our "beloved" MyNetwork TV.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (11/28/08) 

Hello! I'm your host, Shane Steele, and this is the Lowdown on Smackdown. Luckily, I had nothing in the way this week, so no YouTube and the return of the beloved Commercial Thought. Yay! Wait, what do you mean nobody cared? Heartless bastards.
We kick off the night with a recap of the total insanity that was the WWE title match at Survivor Series. To make a long story short, Edge won the title and Communists everywhere cried themselves to sleep that night. But EXCUSE ME! Vickie is in the ring and she introduces our new champion, Hippie Mike Knox! Okay, it's just Wild Man Edge. Oh yeah, in case you didn't hear, he has a new "I spent three months in the wilderness and never shaved once!" beard. Depend on your point of view, it's either hideous or awesome. After a quick hug to a chorus of boos, Edge says he heard about what happened to Jeff and decided to get in on the match so he wouldn't let the fans down like Jeff does. Vickie reiterates this and this brings out Jeff, who gets stopped by the losers from the FCW, er, security guards who were surrounding the ring. Triple H runs down and tramples a few of them (including Jeff) before getting stopped himself. In all the confusion, COMMUNISM snuck into the ring as Edge and Vickie cow er like the pathetic capitalists they are. Kozlov threatens to beat up Edge before Vickie manages to talk him down. She announces a Beat the Clock tournament featuring Kozlov, Hardy, and HHH. Whoever has the best time will face Edge at Armageddon. Jeff's match is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Jason Statham should try comedy solely because of his accent.
Jeff Hardy vs. The Brian Kendrick W/ Awesome Sergeant Pepper Jacket and Ezekiel Jackson
Who makes Kendrick's jackets? From now on, they must make every single piece of clothing I wear. Even the socks.
Hardy goes for a bunch of roll-ups to start things off, but Kendrick kicks out of each one at 2. After the 4th or 5th roll-up, Kendrick runs out and hides behind Zeke. Once he gets back in the ring, he meets some Hardy punches and gets suplexed for 2. Headlock. Kendrick gets to the ropes and goes for a monkey flip, but Hardy counters into a pinning combination for 2. Legdrop to the nether regions gets 2. After a big back body drop, Kendrick rolls out of the ring. Hardy throws him back in and hits a pair of scoop slams for 2. Kendrick stops a Whisper in the Wind attempt and sends Hardy to the mat as we go to commercials.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Why not get a doctor AND a lawyer?
We return to Kendrick working a headlock. Almost all of Jeff's facepain is gone. Jeff turns it into a cradle for 2. Kendrick throws Hardy into the second turnbuckle and works another headlock. Jeff fights out and drops Kendrick onto the ropes. Hardy gets Kendrick into a Tree of Woe and hits a crazy corner kick for 2. Facebuster suplex gets 2. Whisper in the Wind gets 2 after Kendrick gets his foot on the ropes. Hardy kicks Zeke away and hits the Swanton for the win.
WINNER: Jeff Hardy at 12 minutes, 13 seconds.
We learn Kozlov will face Matt Hardy, while Triple H will be beating Shelton Benjamin.
Eve is backstage with Matt Hardy. Matt accuses Vickie and Edge of cheating Jeff out of his chance at Survivor Series and says he'll get Jeff's chance back. All without showing a hint of charisma. I'm so glad I don't have to see this guy every week.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: The ads for Hancock are horribly misleading.
A quick recap of the ultra-boring Big Show-Undertaker Casket match. The singing nuns are a nice touch, though. Next week, Undertaker will face Show in a Steel Cage. To further drive the point home, we get Smackdown vs. RAW 2009's take on the match. Sadly, while the game was designed while he was face, Show does not smile like a moron on his way to the ring.
The Bella Twins and Michelle McCool vs. Maryse, Natalya, and Victoria (After Commercials)
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I think that's a Vince McMahon action figure acting as the camera man in the action figure commercial.
Victoria starts off with Michelle, who kicks her ass until tagging to...Brie? Let's go with that. Armdrag. Tag to Nikki. A double team move gets 2. Roll-up gets 2. Victoria blocks a running snapmare attempt and tags to Natalya. Snap suplex gets 2. Natalya works some ultimate strech submission before tagging to Victoria. Spinning side slam gets 2. Tag to Maryse. Front leg sweep gets 2. Nikki hits a jawbreaker and tags to Michelle, who proceeds to go ultimate ass-kickey on everyone. Victoria breaks up a pin attempt and a Bella (I have no idea which one it was) takes her out. The other Bella tries to help and accidentally clotheslines Michelle. Maryse rolls up Michelle for the win.
WINNERS: Maryse, Natalya, and Victoria.
Post-match, Michelle screams at the twins. Maria runs down and tries to play peacekeeper, but Michelle knocks her on her ass. Don't fuck with Michelle McCool. Unless, of course, you're The Undertaker. Kozlov-Matt Hardy is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: You know, most women are repulsed by chest hair. They certainly won't give you more sprinkles if you show it.
Linda McMahon won some awards, but who cares about that because here's DX to shill their crap. Not only does Shawn manage to look like a moron, he manages to look gay.
Vladimir Kozlov vs. ECW Champion Matt Hardy (Non-title Match)
The annoying pop-up Gregory Helms informs us he'll make his in-ring return next week. 'Bout time. I hope he's not as bad as his little pop-up jokes are.
Kozlov pushes Hardy into a corner, but the ref breaks it up. Matt works a headlock. Kozlov breaks free, but Hardy rolls out. Kozlov tries to worka leg lock, but Matt escapes. A side lock follows, but Matt escapes that too, only to get shoulderblocked for his efforts. Matt rolls out of the ring, but Kozlov chases him back in and follows up with some headbutts and a big boot. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I have met only one person who owns a PS3.
A toss from Kozlov gets 2. Headlock. Slam into the knee gets 2. Fallawy slam gets 2. Kozlov hangs Hardy on the ropes and hits a top rope fallaway slam for 2. Powerslam gets 2. Hardy hits a Side Effect and tries to follow up with a Twist of Fate, but Kozlov shoves him out of the ring. Matt hits the ground and time expires.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: So basically, ignore your friends and play PSP instead.
Jesse & Festus vs. John Morrison & The Miz
Bell rings, Festus goes nuts, you know the drill. Jesse starts off with Miz, who kicks Jesse's ass before bouncing his head off the ropes. Tag to Morrison and the slingshot-elbow drop combo is executed. Morrison chokes Jesse on the ropes before tagging back to Miz. The double gutbuster is followed by a headlock. Jesse reverses a suplex attempt into a neckbreaker. Miz tags Morrison and Jesse tags Festus. Festus clobbers Morrison before tossing him from the ring. Morrison rings the bell, but Jesse catche s him with a clothesline, throws him back in the ring, and rings the bell. Festus proceeds to destroy Morrison until Miz knocks down Jesse and rings the bell again. Miz and Morrison start beating on Jesse and won't stop when the ref asks them to, so he DQ's them.
Now that they have the bell, Miz and Morrison take turns scaring each other with Festus before Miz hilarious mocks Festus's "crazy act" each time Morrison rings the bell. Jesse tries to get involved, but Morrison clocks him with the bell. Miz drops the hammer on the bell and Festus, awake once more, tosses them from the ring.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I happen to root for those nerds.
RAW Recap. So Cena's "edgy" now. Good luck with that. Oh, and props to King for the Phantom of the Opera reference.
Mr. Kennedy and the goatee that ate his chin interview Triple H. As usual, Trips says he'll beat Shelton Benjamin and leaves it at that. A man of few words.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: How dare you interrupt a bridge opening ceremony like that? Jerks.
Triple H vs. United States Champion Shelton Benjamin (Non-title Match)
Trips goes for the Pedigree, but Shelton rolls out. Another Pedigree attempt and this time, Shelton rolls out of the ring. Trips runs out after him and bounces his head off the ringpost before rolling him back in the ring. This time, Trips reverses the blocked Pedigree into a roll-up for 2. Triple H works a crossface (Shades of Chris Who?) until Shelton reaches the ropes. Shelton counters a suplex into a neckbreaker. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Wanted is in no way similar to its source material.
Shelton is working a headlock. Triple H fights out, but Shelton hits a DDT for 2. Shelton works a chinlock, but HHH escapes and knocks Shelton down. A high knee and a facebuster get 2. Shelton tries to take a walk, but Trips catches him and tosses him over the announce table a few times. Um, wouldn't you just let him go and win? Dumbass. Double A spinebuster, but Shelton reverses the follow-up Pedigree into a big back body drop. As Trips goes after him, Shelton bumps the ref. Triple H hits the Pedigree and tries to revive the ref. He gets his 3 count as time expires.
WINNER: Triple H.
A second ref comes down and argues with the second ref. Apparently, Trips go his count EXACTLY as time expired. Jeff comes down to here both he and Triple H finished their matches in the same amount of time. Staredown and wait, that's it? It's over? WTF? Where's the explanation?
Well, like it or not, that's it for Smackdown. Until next week, I'm Shane Steele.


Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).