Hey everybody, did ya miss me? Yes, Shane Steele returns with another edition of The Lowdown
on Smackdown after missing last week's edition of Smackdown due to plans to go out of town. Sorry! But hey, I'm back now,
so lets get down to some stuff that hopefully won't be shit.
We get a quick recap of last week's casket match between Undertaker and uber-lame nemesis
Chavo Guerrero? Seriously, Chavo in a casket match? Tonight, ol' UT squares of with the embodiment of Communism, Vladimir
Kozlov, where Kozlov will get a title shot if he wins, and R-Truth takes on Shelton Benjamin for the US title.
MVP is out with the VIP Lounge set up. He says he's sick of flak about his losing streak from
guys like the now mega-annoying Hurricane Helms, but it won't matter because he'll turn it around soon enough. Well, at least
he's an optimist. Most people who lose a lot get depressed. This draws out Khali to...cheers? What the hell? MVP starts
getting pissy and Runjin says it's time for the Kiss Cam! DEAR GOD HELP ME! He invites MVP to join the "fun", but P wisely
slinks to the outside of the ring. Runjin picks a fat black woman out of the stands and brings her in. Then he wants another
one and picks a really ugly fat woman. MVP looks on in disgust. Khali makes out with the black woman first, then gives the
ugly one a quick peck on the cheek because she's so ugly she doesn't deserve make-out. Then Runjin calls for Khali to make
out with both of them at the same time, which makes me think he may just have some sort of fetish. Khali complies to create
the ultimate nastiness, which is mercifully broken up by the antics of MVP, who Khali chases off.
Vickie is backstage with Big Show. She says she might've gotten the wrong giant, which causes
Show to storm off. MVP comes in now to complain about Khali, but Vickie just jokes about him losing so much, then makes a
match between the two. The US title match is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Hellboy commercials can't even get some awesome Ron Perlman quotes in.
Something must be wrong with that movie.
R-Truth vs. United States Champion Shelton Benjamin (US Title Match)
After the lock-up, Shelton works a headlock, but Truth counters out with a back suplex for
2. Truth gets in some nice flips and spins, but Shelton puts an end to that by slamming Truth into his knee. Benji starts
to work a submission, but Truth powers out and hits some clotheslines for 2. Shelton goes for a powerbomb, but Truth escapes
and hits the 360 forearm for 2. Truth blocks a crossbody attempt and goes for the scissors kick, but Shelton rolls out of
the ring. Truth launches himself onto Shelton with an insane suicide plancha. Back in the ring, a missile dropkick gets 2.
Shelton manages to drop Truth onto the ropes and hit Paydirt to retain.
WINNER AND STILL US CHAMPION: Shelton Benjamin. Since we're in Orlando,
I guess this is Vince's way of saying "Ha! Even your former two-time World champion isn't good enough for my second-tier
Jimmy Wang Yang runs into The Brian Kendrick and Ezekiel Jackson backstage. Kendrick is granted
the awesome oppurunity to quote some "Pulp Fiction". Tight.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: No way anybody could think Pizza Hut is gourmet.
Ezekiel Jackson W/ The Brian Kendrick vs. Jimmy Wang Yang
Jimmy manages to get in a few punches and kicks, but they're no match for the hoss-tacular
SHOULDER BLOCKS and TOSSES of Big Zeke. The move I'm referring to as Black Bottom, in honor of Zeke's trunks, wins it.
WINNER: Ezekiel Jackson. After the match, Zeke sets up Yang so that
Kendrick can hit The Kendrick on him. Then Kendrick dances as only he can.
Now we get a quick look at Vladimir Kozlov and his Communist ways of equal distribution to
the people...of beatings!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: You know your movie's bad when all you can say about it is that it was
used to start a TV series.
Eve approaches Michelle McCool and asks if she'll give her some advice on becoming a wrestler.
Michelle tells her to start dating a man in power so he can help you get a stranglehold on the division and no-sell your opponents.
Or she says something about heart and determination. Oh, and she calls Maria dumb. Maria pops up from behind her, completely
oblivious to the previous insults, and says she plans to take the title from Michelle next week.
Quick RAW recap. Kinda raises the question of why Batista needed to win the title at Cyber
Sunday in the first place.
Jeff is talking to Vickie about getting another shot at the WWE title, but Vickie rightfully
says he's had enough shots and that he's only good at tagging. BURN!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That IS a lot of food.
Triple H and Jeff Hardy vs. John Morrison & The Miz
Morrison and his sparkly abs start off with Triple H. Morrison tries some corner offense,
but Trips counters with a clothesline and a suplex. Tag to Jeff Hardy. Morrison tries to recollect with Miz outside, but Jeff
kicks them both, then dives onto them. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I recognize the girl in the Guitar Hero commercial, but I can't remember
who she is.
We return to Hardy working a headlock on Miz. Legdrop to the nether-regions gets 2. Hardy
tries to go up top, but Morrison distracts him and Miz knocks him off the apron. Back in the ring, Miz tags to Morrison and
they hit the slingshot-elbow drop combo for 2. Morrison works a headlock. Jeff tries to battle out, but Morrison tags in Miz,
who hits an inverted legsweep for 2. Tag to Morrison and the double gutbuster gets 2. Hardy fights away from Morrison, but
he doesn't tag to Triple H as Morrison tags in Miz. Hardy dodges the Miz corner clothesline and hits his usual spots, such
as the crazy corner kick, Whisper in the Wind, and the suplex slam. Morrison stops the Swanton attempt, but Triple H comes
in and destroys both Miz and Morrison. Jeff grabs a chair and goes to town on Miz and Morrison to draw the DQ.
WINNERS BY DQ: Miz and Morrison.
Hardy chases Morrison up the ramp and throws the chair at him, which he hilariously hops away
from. Triple H gives Miz a Pedigree because, well, it's what Triple H does.
Eve backstage with Vladimir Kozlov. Kozlov says he will break Undertaker, then crush Triple
H. Somewhere, Ivan Drago is smiling.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That Gears of War 2 commercial is kinda depressing.
Jeff asks Vickie if that was extreme enough for a title shot, but Vickie says a deal is a
deal with Vladimir and sends Jeff away. Since when whacking a few guys with a chair get you a title shot?
Show pops up to send a message to Undertaker. And apparently, it's that Show figured out 'Taker
draws his power from the fear of his opponents. Good for you, Show! Show says he isn't afraid of Undertaker and challenges
him to a casket match at Survivor Series. Then he lumbers off.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Adding Jigsaw to The Punisher is a good idea.
MVP vs. The Great Khali W/ Runjin Singh
P tries to punch and kick, but Khali has none of it and clobbers him with a clothesline. Khali
continues to beat on MVP and hits the chokebomb for the win.
WINNER: The Great Khali.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That kid has one creepy voice.
Brie Bella vs. Victoria W/ Natalya
I missed most of this match because I fell asleep. In my defense, I woke up at three this
morning. I'm assuming Victoria beat the shit out of Brie for most of the match until the end, where I woke up to see Brie
roll her up for the win.
WINNER: Brie Bella.
After the match, Natalya attacks and Brie goes under the ring. Victoria and Natalya both pull
out a girl, revealing THE SECRET WWE MAGAZINE REVEALED A MONTH AGO! Yes, Bella twins. The girls hit a pair of facebusters
on Victoria and Natalya.
More Cena promos. Ah, the days when he was tolerable on Smackdown. Kozlov-'Taker is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I love that there's just a random parrot behind the crazy old guy.
Vladimir Kozlov vs. The Undertaker (But First, COMMERCIALS!)
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: How do you get a car in a maternity ward.
Lock-up. Kozlov works a headlock, then hits a clothesline after 'Taker tries to escape. UT
follows with the almot identical spot, only substituting a shoulder block for the clothesline. He follows that up with a big
boot and a clothesline over the top rope. 'Taker tosses Kozlov back onto the apron and hits a legdrop. Kozlov tries to attack
in the corner, but Undertaker hits a clothesline for 2. Kozlov is able to rebound with a belly-to-belly suplex. A punching
contest ensues, but Kozlov starts headbutting and a kick to the sternum gets 2. 'Taker fires back with punches and clotheslines,
but Snake Eyes is countered into a slam. Undertaker goes for an arm submission, but Kozlov reaches the ropes. Jeff Hardy comes
in and rams Kozlov in the stomach with a chair to draw the DQ.
WINNER BY DQ: Vladimir Kozlov.
Jeff also whacks Undertaker for good measure, but 'Taker chases him off and chokeslams Kozlov,
as Communism learns it is no match for a good ol' fashioned Monarchy.
Backstage, Jeff demands Vickie make an Extreme Rules match between him and The Undertaker,
which Vickie allows. Oh silly! I thought those were ECW exclusive!
Well, that caps off my return edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown! Until next week, I'm Shane
Steele (unless I fall asleep and miss the whole show).