SmackDown Rant Archive (November 2007)
November 03, 2007
November 10, 2007
November 16, 2007
Right off the bat they announce Undertaker and Batista vs. The Great Khali and Mark Henry for the main event. Jesus Christ couldn't save this match. He's still bitter about the whole God being jobbed out to Vince thing. I don't know why, God definitely got vengeance and then some with that whole Chris Benoit tragedy. The Bibles, they were his calling card, you see. Aaaaaand now that I've alienated all but the very worst of you, let's get on with the show! You're the audience I really want anyway. You don't care enough to send faggy little correction emails. RUDY CHARLES IS ON SMACKDOWN AS LONG AS I SAY HE IS. Hey look, it's Batista! It's pretty bad when I'm looking forward to missing Batista the least in the main event when I change the channel to SURVIVORMAN for the last half hour of the show anyway. I mean physically, Taker hasn't done shit since he came back. That I've seen on free tv anyway because I almost never buy PPV's, but still. Let's see what Batista's talking about. His struggles through poverty as a child and adversity in WWE. Ugh. Nobody's gonna buy your book anyway, Batista. Quit trying to generate interest. If the lesbian mom thing didn't boost sales, nothing will. He also says he has Taker's back in their match tonight, but that their battle is not over. Taker beat him at 'Mania and Batista got the win at 'Sunday, so they need a tiebreaker. I can't WAIT for Edge to get back. Anyway, lights go out, the dongs ding, and Taker is suddenly in the ring. Is magic! Taker raises the mic to his lips and says he's got Tista's back tonight, but agrees they need a rematch. As Batista was leaving, Taker snarls "Hell in a Cell", which I guess will happen at Survivor Series. That should be awright. I wouldn't think dynomite, however. Khali and Mark Henry are then out to talk about their hugeness or something probably, I dunno I was looking for a dropped Skittle (found it, by the way, it was in the crease in my pants!)
Nash and Angle vs Sting and Booker T. Innovation retardation in action!
Back to Vickie Guerrero who is backstage with Jamie Noble. She says she's making Tista-Taker final, yet doesn't announce a date. But it will happen! Sometime. Perhaps. Unless something CRAZY happens and Taker gets hurt, in which case he'll just come back in six months and be number one contender again anyway. She gives him a copy of Mysterio's new dvd which Noble declines because "Mysterio is good, but I'm great." Come on, Jamie, you know you want to revisit the Dominic storyline! She then puts him in a match against....REY MYSTERIO! Swerve, you thought it was gonna be another giant muscley behemoth or fat hog. I had my money on V, since the main event is full of the usual suspects. Noble's looking pretty happy he'll at least be losing to someone in his own weight class tonight. He then accepts the dvd and says he's got some for her to watch later. Yeah right Noble, you'd be lucky to be seen in a match on somebody else's dvd. Oh, he meant porn. In that case, Noble's got no chance of being on the dvd at all.
Malt shop music hits. Shit. Biscuits and Gravy follows. Channel change.
Domino w/Cherry and Deuce and car vs Festus w/Jesse w/even less crowd support than his opponent
Festus wins with retard strength.
Winner : Festus
I went trick or treating on Halloween. This one guy answered the door and his little kids were eating carmel apples right there in plain sight. Motherfucker gave me Almond Joy.
Rey is out booyakaing and 619ing now, ready for his match against Noble. Out next is Finlay, however, who will be doing commentary since I guess their feud without any real reason is not yet over. Out next is Noble with a big smile, because losing to someone only bothers him when that someone is twice his size and he'd never stand a chance anyway.
Jamie Noble vs Rey Mysterio
Starting off with technicalcalityishness ending in Mysterio taking Noble down with an armbar, but Noble gets out and puts Rey in one himself. Rey now with such cruiserweight staples like a hurricarana and an unnecessarily complicated pin attempt, ending in setting up Noble for the 619, but he just rolls out of the ring. Rey follows him out and hits some kicks to Noble's leg and sending him back in, where Noble waited to nail Rey in the head with a kick as he was following him back in. Noble keeps Rey's face cruiserweight shit at bay from here with a kick to the stomach and a hard throw out of the ring. Noble followed him out to deliver a hard shot and send him back in, where he hit some kicks and a slam that looked to hurt Rey's arm. Suplex gets two for Noble, so he goes back to working the arm until Mysterio breaks free and hits a crossbody for two. Rey off the ropes now but Noble just hurls him to the mat for another two. Back to the arm again until Rey tries to regain the momentum with a headscissors, but Noble reverses this by throwing him into the corner. Rey dodges a charge and Noble eats ring post. W-with his shoulder. Noble recovers and goes for the arm, but Rey hits a kick to the face and a senton, but Noble recovers enough to hit a quick powerslam for another nearfall. Both men tired now, but Rey regains his composure first and sets up for, and proceeds to hit, the 619. West Coast Pop now, and Noble looks to counter it with a powerbomb, but Rey finishes the move and gets the three.
Winner : Rey Mysterio
Good match, really made Noble look strong. Nice setup for it too, with Noble facing ridiculous odds against huge main eventers the past few weeks, but when he gets to go against a top guy that's not obscenely huge he is able to hold his own. Look for Noble to be new Cruiserweight champ. If, you know, that still exists.
Finlay with a mic now to heartily congratulate Mysterio on his win. He then proceeds to call him a weak fearful quitter, and next week he'd be a loser as well. That compliment took a wrong turn pretty quick. Commercials.
Fourteen tracks of Finlay beatboxing would outsell Lillain Garcia 3:1. I'd make sure of it, too. I'd only have to buy three copies.
In the back, Matt Hardy informs MVP he is officially cleared to wrestle. MVP says that's good so they can defend the tag titles as a good cohesive unit. MVP then reminds Hardy that he is better than him. This would cause dissention among most teams, but Matt's had years of practice in another team. Hardy then wishes MVP luck in his match tonight, but MVP has no idea what he's talking about. He asks who his opponent is and Kane's pyro goes BOOSH BEREWAWAWAWA, BEREWAWAWAWA to answer that question. You'd think Vickie would tell MVP he had a match tonight instead of hoping one of his friends would eventually tell him. Oh well, he'll hear his music. I guess that's why everybody on the roster is always seen in their ring attire backstage.
Why is Kane's entrance music about a girl? He did all but straight beat his wife Lita.
Kane vs WWE Tag Team Champion and United States Champion MVP, non title
MVP owns Kane until he hits a big uppercut. He then takes MVP down with a big boot and...locks in a leg scissors? What'll he do next, attempt a plancha or selling a move without squeezing his eyes shut really tight and muttering to himself? MVP gets out of the Kane submission and and works on the recently injured ribs. Kane battles back with a boot and knee to the stomach for two. MVP in the corner now and Kane runs right into a big kick to his ribs. MVP continues to work his ribs with punches and eventually gets a two count. Leg scissors by MVP now but Kane gets out and hits a suplex for a two count of his own. MVP hits a boot to the face and a spear to the stomach using his head as a battering ram. Kane now with a boot and an uppercut, but MVP still working the ribs strong with more shots and a flying knee off the top rope into Kane's side. Another leg scissors by MVP, but Kane reverses and kind of...grabs MVP in some sort of laying squeeze. MVP struggles out with some shots and continues to beat down Kane for a near fall. Abdominal stretch by MVP but Kane gets out and hits another uppercut, but MVP sends Kane to the outside with a huge running boot and gets hits him with a baseball slide as we go to commercials.
Torpedo Jones for King of Carnivals.
Back with Kane in another leg scissors by MVP but he gets out. MVP still controls however with a running knee to Kane's gut, but misses a second running boot and Kane takes advantage with his usual barrage of uppercuts, bodyshots, and clotheslines culminating in a slam to set up the flying clothesline, which he hits. Big Daddy V is out now but Kane couldn't give a fuck and hits the chokeslam for the clean win.
Winner : Kane
V then destroys Kane after the match to absolutely ensure us that Kane will be feuding with him and not actually getting a program with the US champ.
Hey, what the fuck? Mick Foley is in a match tonight! That's pretty neat. He'll be facing Jonathan Coachman for, some reason, probably. Pop for Foley in a dark windbreaker instead of flannel and actually some heat for Coach in his I'm The COACH shirt. It is announced that Mr. McMahon will be the special referee for...some reason, I'm sure. Coach is ecstatic, until Hornswoggle comes out from under the ring, and then he's disgusted as Foley lights up. Oh boy, this is gonna be watchable!
Foley basically did his usual safe match stuff as Hornswoggle showed his natural refereeing skills by teaming up with him for the expected attempted comedy spots like kneeling behind him as Foley pushes him over. Finish saw Foley taking down Coach with a green Socko and a little splash from Hornswoggle for the win and obligatory huge pop. Coach with some help from the little ref, putting him down finally with Socko and a big splash from Hornswoggle for the win.
Winner : Mick Foley
Sweet shin music was the best thing ever.
Oh no, now it's Chuck Palumbo. He'll be facing Kenny Dykstra, and probably will for the next, oh, sixty days, I'd guess, seeing as how wwe.com has outed Masters as violating their wellness policy, if you can believe that! He's out riding with his girl on a bike, while Kenny Dykstra is out on foot with a dike. As in the "dike" in the first part of his last name, not Victoria, although she is out too so I can understand why you'd think that and allright I'll stop. Anyway, Palumbo dominates with standard Palumbo offense, while Kenny mounts a brief comeback with standard Kenny "offense". The girls also got into it with McCool knocking Victoria off the apron. Palumbo wins with a clumsy falling shoulder block off the top and then the FULL THROTTLE.
Winner : Chuck Palumbo
In the back now with Khali and Henry yelling at each other and probably saying they're going to win, I don't know I stopped watching because I "dropped a skittle" again. Incidentally, Bear Grylls from Man vs Wild is a fraudulent tool. Maggots do NOT live in fucking snow, I don't care how much dead fish you put out to attract them.
MAIN EVENT TIME. Oh, you love it.
Batista and The Undertaker vs. The Great Khali and Mark Henry
Taker and Henry to start off, having just come out of what I hope was the final chapter in their on again/off again feud. Taker with his "best strikes in the biz" but Henry put a stop to the Old School. He exchanged that for a big boot to the chest from Taker, who then tries again and successfully hits the Old School. He then gets a shot in on Khali on the apron and throws Henry out as we go to commercials.
Because there's so many fucking fat kids in Tennessee, now when we go to lunch we have to walk all around the parking lot and the dilapidated Special Ed trailer out back and enter the cafeteria at the rear entrance. Because exhausting obese kids directly before lunch is the way to get them to eat less.
We come back to find Batista pinning Henry for two. He hits usual Batista shit and tags in Taker who hits more of his special strikes and then a running knee for another two on Henry. Henry Marks up, but not in the way people who shake their spinner belts behind the announcer table when it's time for the announcers to give us grave news, and shoves Taker into his corner and tags in Khali, who at least technically connects with boots and clotheslines. Tag back to Henry who hits a big DDT on Taker. This doesn't do him in though, and he tags in Big Teest who of course absolutely dominates Henry and finally pins after a big clothesline, but only gets two. Henry again with the shove in the corner and tag out to Khali, who hits what else but kicks and elbows. He then gets two after a medium boot and so puts him back in the corner for some more PUNISHMENT via more kicks and elbows and why in the fuck haven't they just told Khali to work stiff by now? He could find a way to fucking shoot a guy and make it look fake. Khali now with a clothesline and the vice grip, but Batista battles out with his strength, because that's exactly how you break a nerve hold, but gets a Khali chop and nearly pinned with the one foot on the chest pin. He puts Batista back in the vice grip but Taker has his back jes liek he sed and breaks the hold. Batista spears Khali which Khali no sells yet still tags in Henry as Batista makes the tag to Taker. If you're a professional wrestler and you can't sell a fucking spear correctly, something is horribly wrong with everything, the wrestler, the company that employs him as one, all those nearby fans at ringside who haven't assassinated him yet. See, this is why we need Bret Hart back. Anyway. Taker lays out both Henry and Khali and hits splashes on both. He then goes for the double chokeslam, which would be a lot better spot if anyone has ever actually delivered one to any two guys whose combined weight wasn't 375 pounds and they didn't clearly leap up four feet into the air anyway. After Khali and Henry ESCAPE the double chokeslam attempt, Batista enters and hits a spinebuster on Henry, but JBL suddenly runs in and delivers the Clothesline From Hell on both men what the FUCK?! Match ends with the DQ and Henry puts Batista in a bearhug and Khali LOCKS IN the vise grip on Taker as the little logo pops up in the corner.
Hey, Yeah! : Most of the matches were good or at least entertaining. I'll go with Noble-Rey. Great ending to a possibly boring main event, hopefully this will lead to a short JBL return. Not that I'm looking forward to his matches, but JBL as bitter ex-champ forced into retirement could generate some great promos, even if SD! is already overflowing with heels as it is.
Fucking, No!: Jesse and Festus and Chuck Palumbo. Not fundamentally bad, I just couldn't give a fuck.
Oh man, remember when : Hornswoggle was Cruiserweight Champion a few months ago? Yeah, I should've known then they were dropping the fucking belt alltogether.
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (11/10/07)
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).