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SmackDown Rant Archive (November 2007)

November 03, 2007
November 10, 2007
November 16, 2007

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (11/03/07) 

Welcome to the November 2 edition of Friday Night Smackdown and man I have a headache. No jokes here, just headaching. Get it? Like the phrase bellyaching, only headaching? B-because I have a headache? Shit. I just set the tone for this recap. Oh well, let's get it over with. Maybe a nice good episode of just good, entertaining wrestling will raise my spirits.

 Right off the bat they announce Undertaker and Batista vs. The Great Khali and Mark Henry for the main event. Jesus Christ couldn't save this match. He's still bitter about the whole God being jobbed out to Vince thing. I don't know why, God definitely got vengeance and then some with that whole Chris Benoit tragedy. The Bibles, they were his calling card, you see. Aaaaaand now that I've alienated all but the very worst of you, let's get on with the show! You're the audience I really want anyway. You don't care enough to send faggy little correction emails. RUDY CHARLES IS ON SMACKDOWN AS LONG AS I SAY HE IS. Hey look, it's Batista! It's pretty bad when I'm looking forward to missing Batista the least in the main event when I change the channel to SURVIVORMAN for the last half hour of the show anyway. I mean physically, Taker hasn't done shit since he came back. That I've seen on free tv anyway because I almost never buy PPV's, but still. Let's see what Batista's talking about. His struggles through poverty as a child and adversity in WWE. Ugh. Nobody's gonna buy your book anyway, Batista. Quit trying to generate interest. If the lesbian mom thing didn't boost sales, nothing will. He also says he has Taker's back in their match tonight, but that their battle is not over. Taker beat him at 'Mania and Batista got the win at 'Sunday, so they need a tiebreaker. I can't WAIT for Edge to get back. Anyway, lights go out, the dongs ding, and Taker is suddenly in the ring. Is magic! Taker raises the mic to his lips and says he's got Tista's back tonight, but agrees they need a rematch. As Batista was leaving, Taker snarls "Hell in a Cell", which I guess will happen at Survivor Series. That should be awright. I wouldn't think dynomite, however. Khali and Mark Henry are then out to talk about their hugeness or something probably, I dunno I was looking for a dropped Skittle (found it, by the way, it was in the crease in my pants!)


Nash and Angle vs Sting and Booker T. Innovation retardation in action!

Back to Vickie Guerrero who is backstage with Jamie Noble. She says she's making Tista-Taker final, yet doesn't announce a date. But it will happen! Sometime. Perhaps. Unless something CRAZY happens and Taker gets hurt, in which case he'll just come back in six months and be number one contender again anyway. She gives him a copy of Mysterio's new dvd which Noble declines because "Mysterio is good, but I'm great." Come on, Jamie, you know you want to revisit the Dominic storyline! She then puts him in a match against....REY MYSTERIO! Swerve, you thought it was gonna be another giant muscley behemoth or fat hog. I had my money on V, since the main event is full of the usual suspects. Noble's looking pretty happy he'll at least be losing to someone in his own weight class tonight. He then accepts the dvd and says he's got some for her to watch later. Yeah right Noble, you'd be lucky to be seen in a match on somebody else's dvd. Oh, he meant porn. In that case, Noble's got no chance of being on the dvd at all.

Malt shop music hits. Shit. Biscuits and Gravy follows. Channel change.

Domino w/Cherry and Deuce and car vs Festus w/Jesse w/even less crowd support than his opponent

Festus wins with retard strength.
Winner : Festus

I went trick or treating on Halloween. This one guy answered the door and his little kids were eating carmel apples right there in plain sight. Motherfucker gave me Almond Joy.

Rey is out booyakaing and 619ing now, ready for his match against Noble. Out next is Finlay, however, who will be doing commentary since I guess their feud without any real reason is not yet over. Out next is Noble with a big smile, because losing to someone only bothers him when that someone is twice his size and he'd never stand a chance anyway.

Jamie Noble vs Rey Mysterio

Starting off with technicalcalityishness ending in Mysterio taking Noble down with an armbar, but Noble gets out and puts Rey in one himself. Rey now with such cruiserweight staples like a hurricarana and an unnecessarily complicated pin attempt, ending in setting up Noble for the 619, but he just rolls out of the ring. Rey follows him out and hits some kicks to Noble's leg and sending him back in, where Noble waited to nail Rey in the head with a kick as he was following him back in. Noble keeps Rey's face cruiserweight shit at bay from here with a kick to the stomach and a hard throw out of the ring. Noble followed him out to deliver a hard shot and send him back in, where he hit some kicks and a slam that looked to hurt Rey's arm. Suplex gets two for Noble, so he goes back to working the arm until Mysterio breaks free and hits a crossbody for two. Rey off the ropes now but Noble just hurls him to the mat for another two. Back to the arm again until Rey tries to regain the momentum with a headscissors, but Noble reverses this by throwing him into the corner. Rey dodges a charge and Noble eats ring post. W-with his shoulder. Noble recovers and goes for the arm, but Rey hits a kick to the face and a senton, but Noble recovers enough to hit a quick powerslam for another nearfall. Both men tired now, but Rey regains his composure first and sets up for, and proceeds to hit, the 619. West Coast Pop now, and Noble looks to counter it with a powerbomb, but Rey finishes the move and gets the three.

Winner : Rey Mysterio

Good match, really made Noble look strong. Nice setup for it too, with Noble facing ridiculous odds against huge main eventers the past few weeks, but when he gets to go against a top guy that's not obscenely huge he is able to hold his own. Look for Noble to be new Cruiserweight champ. If, you know, that still exists.

Finlay with a mic now to heartily congratulate Mysterio on his win. He then proceeds to call him a weak fearful quitter, and next week he'd be a loser as well. That compliment took a wrong turn pretty quick. Commercials.

Fourteen tracks of Finlay beatboxing would outsell Lillain Garcia 3:1. I'd make sure of it, too. I'd only have to buy three copies.

In the back, Matt Hardy informs MVP he is officially cleared to wrestle. MVP says that's good so they can defend the tag titles as a good cohesive unit. MVP then reminds Hardy that he is better than him. This would cause dissention among most teams, but Matt's had years of practice in another team. Hardy then wishes MVP luck in his match tonight, but MVP has no idea what he's talking about. He asks who his opponent is and Kane's pyro goes BOOSH BEREWAWAWAWA, BEREWAWAWAWA to answer that question. You'd think Vickie would tell MVP he had a match tonight instead of hoping one of his friends would eventually tell him. Oh well, he'll hear his music. I guess that's why everybody on the roster is always seen in their ring attire backstage.

Why is Kane's entrance music about a girl? He did all but straight beat his wife Lita.

Kane vs WWE Tag Team Champion and United States Champion MVP, non title

MVP owns Kane until he hits a big uppercut. He then takes MVP down with a big boot and...locks in a leg scissors? What'll he do next, attempt a plancha or selling a move without squeezing his eyes shut really tight and muttering to himself? MVP gets out of the Kane submission and and works on the recently injured ribs. Kane battles back with a boot and knee to the stomach for two. MVP in the corner now and Kane runs right into a big kick to his ribs. MVP continues to work his ribs with punches and eventually gets a two count. Leg scissors by MVP now but Kane gets out and hits a suplex for a two count of his own. MVP hits a boot to the face and a spear to the stomach using his head as a battering ram. Kane now with a boot and an uppercut, but MVP still working the ribs strong with more shots and a flying knee off the top rope into Kane's side. Another leg scissors by MVP, but Kane reverses and kind of...grabs MVP in some sort of laying squeeze. MVP struggles out with some shots and continues to beat down Kane for a near fall. Abdominal stretch by MVP but Kane gets out and hits another uppercut, but MVP sends Kane to the outside with a huge running boot and gets hits him with a baseball slide as we go to commercials.

Torpedo Jones for King of Carnivals.

Back with Kane in another leg scissors by MVP but he gets out. MVP still controls however with a running knee to Kane's gut, but misses a second running boot and Kane takes advantage with his usual barrage of uppercuts, bodyshots, and clotheslines culminating in a slam to set up the flying clothesline, which he hits. Big Daddy V is out now but Kane couldn't give a fuck and hits the chokeslam for the clean win.

Winner : Kane

V then destroys Kane after the match to absolutely ensure us that Kane will be feuding with him and not actually getting a program with the US champ.

Hey, what the fuck? Mick Foley is in a match tonight! That's pretty neat. He'll be facing Jonathan Coachman for, some reason, probably. Pop for Foley in a dark windbreaker instead of flannel and actually some heat for Coach in his I'm The COACH shirt. It is announced that Mr. McMahon will be the special referee for...some reason, I'm sure. Coach is ecstatic, until Hornswoggle comes out from under the ring, and then he's disgusted as Foley lights up. Oh boy, this is gonna be watchable!
Mick Foley vs Jonathan Coachman w/Special Guest Referee Mr. Hornswoggle McMahon

Foley basically did his usual safe match stuff as Hornswoggle showed his natural refereeing skills by teaming up with him for the expected attempted comedy spots like kneeling behind him as Foley pushes him over. Finish saw Foley taking down Coach with a green Socko and a little splash from Hornswoggle for the win and obligatory huge pop. Coach with some help from the little ref, putting him down finally with Socko and a big splash from Hornswoggle for the win.
Winner : Mick Foley

Sweet shin music was the best thing ever.

Oh no, now it's Chuck Palumbo. He'll be facing Kenny Dykstra, and probably will for the next, oh, sixty days, I'd guess, seeing as how wwe.com has outed Masters as violating their wellness policy, if you can believe that! He's out riding with his girl on a bike, while Kenny Dykstra is out on foot with a dike. As in the "dike" in the first part of his last name, not Victoria, although she is out too so I can understand why you'd think that and allright I'll stop. Anyway, Palumbo dominates with standard Palumbo offense, while Kenny mounts a brief comeback with standard Kenny "offense". The girls also got into it with McCool knocking Victoria off the apron. Palumbo wins with a clumsy falling shoulder block off the top and then the FULL THROTTLE.

Winner : Chuck Palumbo
In the back now with Khali and Henry yelling at each other and probably saying they're going to win, I don't know I stopped watching because I "dropped a skittle" again. Incidentally, Bear Grylls from Man vs Wild is a fraudulent tool. Maggots do NOT live in fucking snow, I don't care how much dead fish you put out to attract them.

MAIN EVENT TIME. Oh, you love it.
Batista and The Undertaker vs. The Great Khali and Mark Henry

Taker and Henry to start off, having just come out of what I hope was the final chapter in their on again/off again feud. Taker with his "best strikes in the biz" but Henry put a stop to the Old School. He exchanged that for a big boot to the chest from Taker, who then tries again and successfully hits the Old School. He then gets a shot in on Khali on the apron and throws Henry out as we go to commercials.

Because there's so many fucking fat kids in Tennessee, now when we go to lunch we have to walk all around the parking lot and the dilapidated Special Ed trailer out back and enter the cafeteria at the rear entrance. Because exhausting obese kids directly before lunch is the way to get them to eat less.
We come back to find Batista pinning Henry for two. He hits usual Batista shit and tags in Taker who hits more of his special strikes and then a running knee for another two on Henry. Henry Marks up, but not in the way people who shake their spinner belts behind the announcer table when it's time for the announcers to give us grave news, and shoves Taker into his corner and tags in Khali, who at least technically connects with boots and clotheslines. Tag back to Henry who hits a big DDT on Taker. This doesn't do him in though, and he tags in Big Teest who of course absolutely dominates Henry and finally pins after a big clothesline, but only gets two. Henry again with the shove in the corner and tag out to Khali, who hits what else but kicks and elbows. He then gets two after a medium boot and so puts him back in the corner for some more PUNISHMENT via more kicks and elbows and why in the fuck haven't they just told Khali to work stiff by now? He could find a way to fucking shoot a guy and make it look fake. Khali now with a clothesline and the vice grip, but Batista battles out with his strength, because that's exactly how you break a nerve hold, but gets a Khali chop and nearly pinned with the one foot on the chest pin. He puts Batista back in the vice grip but Taker has his back jes liek he sed and breaks the hold. Batista spears Khali which Khali no sells yet still tags in Henry as Batista makes the tag to Taker. If you're a professional wrestler and you can't sell a fucking spear correctly, something is horribly wrong with everything, the wrestler, the company that employs him as one, all those nearby fans at ringside who haven't assassinated him yet. See, this is why we need Bret Hart back. Anyway. Taker lays out both Henry and Khali and hits splashes on both. He then goes for the double chokeslam, which would be a lot better spot if anyone has ever actually delivered one to any two guys whose combined weight wasn't 375 pounds and they didn't clearly leap up four feet into the air anyway. After Khali and Henry ESCAPE the double chokeslam attempt, Batista enters and hits a spinebuster on Henry, but JBL suddenly runs in and delivers the Clothesline From Hell on both men what the FUCK?! Match ends with the DQ and Henry puts Batista in a bearhug and Khali LOCKS IN the vise grip on Taker as the little logo pops up in the corner.


Hey, Yeah! : Most of the matches were good or at least entertaining. I'll go with Noble-Rey. Great ending to a possibly boring main event, hopefully this will lead to a short JBL return. Not that I'm looking forward to his matches, but JBL as bitter ex-champ forced into retirement could generate some great promos, even if SD! is already overflowing with heels as it is.

Fucking, No!: Jesse and Festus and Chuck Palumbo. Not fundamentally bad, I just couldn't give a fuck.

Oh man, remember when : Hornswoggle was Cruiserweight Champion a few months ago? Yeah, I should've known then they were dropping the fucking belt alltogether.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (11/10/07) 

November 9, truly a significant day in SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT, for it is...my birthday! Yes, recap readers and site stumble-onners, on this date seventeen years ago I was born, and the writing of this column is the first step in my career in the pro wrestling biz (the final phase of my career which I hope to achieve is writing for any show other than fucking Smackdown. And ECW, but that goes without saying.) Oh yeah, also Shawn Michaels took out the screws in Bret Hart's WWE Championship or something, in his hometown no less! I'm not clear on the details, is not important. What is important is tonight will feature Rey vs Finlay! And with that smooooth segue, we continue on with the fun with...Jesse and Festus. Hey, Planet Earth is on! I wanna see the polar bears. I mean, THIS MATCH IS UNDERWAY!
Apparently this will be a five team over the top battle royal, eliminations taking place if just one of the members of a team gets thrown out. Majors follow Jesse and Festus, then those dastardly European heels Dave Taylor and Drew McIntyre, next are the Greasers Deuce and Domino and finally the Cruiserweights stuck even deeper into purgatory now with the unofficial retirement of their title, Jimmy Wang Yang and "The Reject", the non-conformist Shannon Moore. Sporting a cowboy hat identical to Yang's. Huh. HIS HAIR IS DIFFREENT BECAUSE HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT SOCIETY! But he does care what the only dude keeping his ass on tv thinks of him, so wears a matching hat. Anyway. The winner of this match will get a tag team title shot later tonight against Matt Hardy and MVP. Come on...Europeans, I guess. Man I don't care about this match.
Jesse & Festus vs Major Brothers vs Dave Taylor & Drew McIntyre vs Deuce & Domino vs Jimmy Wang Yang & Shannon Moore, Battle Royal for Numero Uno Contendership...ero.
Bell rings which sets Festus off and he dominates everyone. After taking down like six guys he grabs a Major and uses him as a weapon. Jesse then proves his worth to the team by getting thrown out of the ring, but apparently it was through the middle rope so they're still in. Shit. With the huge threat of Jesse gone, the remaining eight guys then team up and shove Festus out, eliminating them both from the match. Now back to tag teams you care slightly more about maybe, Yang hits a Tiger Mask kick on a Major or something in the corner, then drops down for Shannon Moore to hit a Poetry in Motion on him. The action slows down a lot now as there are like four seperate slow shoving out matches going on simultaneously. A greaser and some dude start slowly punching each other while the other guys are still taking turns trying to eliminate each other. They basically take turns at having a generic one on one fight while everyone else keeps with trying to push their guy out. Very little double teaming, kind of negating the whole concept of this match. This slow bore goes on for a couple minutes, until Yang brings attempts to bring the match to life by giving a greaser a kick to the back of the head while trying to eliminate him, sending him careening away to the center of the ring. Yang goes up top to attackle him with some aerial offense, but Dave Taylor comes charging out of nowhere and leaps up with a high shoulder block, sending Yang sailing way down to the floor, eliminating his team and probably breaking his neck. Commercial.
Carl Jung vs Diego, winner gets Penelope Cruz and cocaine empire. That's what I gathered from catching a few very spread out and random scenes of "Blow". If they ever get around to finally making it, Johnny Depp as Syd Barrett should be watchable.
Back to the exact same slow shit. Everyone is acting exhausted and and like leaning on the ropes to help them stand up. Wrestling Fan Law #...237, Let's Say : Moves hurt exponentially more for each additional man in the match. One of the Majors looked to botch an elimination spot where he dropkicked Taylor on the ropes but it didn't quite connect completely, so Taylor remained in the ring and Major just turned and clotheslined him out. If that was an accident, Major recovered quickly. I mean he's no Randy Orton under pressure, but he handled it smoothly enough. Final two teams now in the greasers and the Major Brothers, and they are all suddenly revitalized. The greasers dominate, culminating in like a suplex doomsday device move, with Deuce off the top and taking down a Major's legs while Domino held him up for a suplex. They then turn their attention to the other Major and throw him into the ropes, but he hangs on. Double clothesline charge but Major ducks down and pulls the ropes down with him and Deuce and Domino go tumbling out to give the Majors the win and tag title shot tonight. Finish looked good, very quick and smooth.
Winners : The Major Brothers
In the back now with Torrie Wilson prying into the nature of Michelle McCool's relationship with Chuck Palumbo. Michelle's acting makes Kelly Kelly look like fucking...Penelope Cruz. She was pretty good in that one scene I caught thirty seconds of during the last commercial break. Michelle insists they're just friends, and to prove it Chuck comes over and drapes his big mongoloid arms over her and asks what they're talking about. "Just friends, huh?" asks Torrie. HAHAHAHAHA. They all share a Melrose moment until Victoria and her Dyke friend show up. Victoria says something to Michelle along the lines of "What do you do on a motorcycle again? Ride it?" and Michelle shoves her over a table as Kenny rushes to help her up. Either Michelle McCool has a bi-polar gimmick now, or I completely missed what Victoria said. Probably the latter, but still. Commercial.
So is Edge actually returning at Survivor Series, or...what's up with that?
Back and we revisit Khali's debut and his feud with Taker last year. Khali vs Taker in a No DQ match later tonight. Chuck Palumbo is out now RIDING with Michelle McCool. They ride around the ring as Chuck fakes having charisma by revving his engine and bumpin knucks with a few front row tools. He is accompanying Michelle in her match against who else but Victoria, who is out with Kenny who is dressed like an office intern. Dis match be happenin. Not like happening as in good, happening as in it's going to occur whether I change the channel or not. And as PRO recapper I have a certain obligation to watch no matter how much I don't want to or how lost the remote is. So let's endure.
Michelle McCool w/Chuck Palumbo w/bike vs Victoria w/Kenny the Temp
Victoria dominates for several minutes, including throwing McUNCool~! to the outside and ramming her back into the barricade. Back in the ring, Vic grabs her by her hair and stretches her over back, dropping her before the ref counted five and covered for two. Michelle mounts a comeback and hits a few just absolutely horrible front dropkicks and chops that'd make Khali's look like Flair's. The Dyke rescues his partner from the ONSLAUGHT, but Chuckie levels Kenny with a clothesline, then returns to ringside to watch Victoria pin Michelle for three after a big DDT.
Winner : Victoria
It's a shame Masters got fired, now Palumbo's stuck feuding with Kenny. Not that I especially liked Masters, or Palumbo for that matter, but I just can't bring myself to care about Kenny.
Rey in the back now with Anastascia and Rey's mask tonight looks like it exposes a lot more of his face. Now I remember why he wears it. If he ever turns heel, he should just take it off. Ugly people get instant heat. Just look at Big Daddy V. I mean, what other reason could there be for him not getting over? Surely not his moveset consisting of waddling clotheslines and splashes that would be more aptly named falls. Surely. Anyway, Rey does his usual 50/50 English/Spanish thing and I guess tells Finlay he's going to beat him tonight, I don't know. I never learned much Spanish. Passed it with flying colors, though, but having fiestas twice a week and getting a 100 for a test grade for bringing a bag of chips to each one will do that. I love obese teachers. Rey then says he's going out there tonight not just for him, but for his people, which gets a big ethnic pop from the Bakersfield, CA crowd. Commercial.
Rikishi going over Christian at all was bullshit, but then he quits TNA the night Christian was supposed to gain a win over him. Smart move, TNA! And look where Rikishi is now, dead! Or he just quit, but I think he's gotta be dead by now. He was looking too damn big to not have had a fat attack or whatever fat people die of by now. I hate obese wrestlers.
Back to Saveus.x19 promo. I never had a YJ Stinger. I just remember those commercials with Triple H clotheslining some dude being chased by bees and drinking it as three women fawned over him while he hung out on an apartment stoop. I think those commercials were the main reason I never had a YJ Stinger.
In the back now with Vickie and ECW champ CM Punk who is finally on Smackdown. Noble interrupts and thanks her for the Rey dvd she gave him. He then says he made a best of collection of his own, and pulls out a hilarious VHS tape entitled The Greatest Little Man with him on the cover. Punk is surpised they even make VHS tapes anymore and says it's really cool and retro. Fuck retro anything and fuck your tattoos, Punk! Anyway. CM then coolly states he's a fan of Noble's after his great match with Rey last week, and Noble flips. "You think that was great, she's a devil woman for putting me in those matches" or, something. He's really upping the country accent tonight. Noble then says beating Punk would be "easy as pie." Punk then gets all intense and says "What a coincidence, I LOVE pie!" Vickie then reassures them that everyone loves pie and makes Noble-Punk for tonight and Noble goes off cursing. Tarnation! What the fuck was with that stupid pie exchange? I guess WWE Creative is part of the Writer's Guild and they had to hire scabs that are even worse at the job than the regular creative team, because that shit was unprecedentedly stupid.
Finlay out now for his match with Rey. He lost to Rey a couple weeks ago in a stretcher match on PPV, so to show he's really out for blood he's going to beat him in a regular match on Smackdown. Rey out next and we get lots of closeups of kids dancing or seizuring in Rey masks. Rey gives his shirt to the dad of an infant in a Rey mask. As if the dude who stuck an oversized leather mask on his infant son needs more wrestling shit. Bell.
Finlay w/shilleighleigh w/ridiculously incorrect spelling vs Rey Mysterio w/home...state support
Staredown to start off and a loud Finlay sucks chant starts up. JBL and Cole exchange a moment of banterington with JBL blaming wrestling's bad image on the bigoted crowds who are booing Finlay just because he's from Ireland and Cole calls JBL a hypocrite. It was funnier at the time... Back to the match, and they lock up but Finlay backs to the corner and Rey breaks it. Shove from Finlay and the staredown turns into circling and eventually, angry muttering! Big match atmosphere as the crowd is completely into this. Another lockup and Finlay puts Rey on his knees with a nerve hold on the back of his neck. Rey gets out and hits some mini punches that send Finlay reeling slightly, but a clothesline stops that midget shit. Finlay's been angry towards those of smaller stature since Hornswoggle abandoned him for playing Looney Tunes on the A show. Finlay wants to play with TNT too! He loves AC/DC. Because a / looks like a lightning bolt straightened out. More than a * anyway. Shit, I am fucking this up. Back to the match, Finlay puts Rey in another nerve hold and then clobbers him from behind and kicks his ass all over the ring. Crowd starts in with a 619 chant. This support gives Rey strength and he comes off the turnbuckle but Finlay catches him, but Rey reverses that non-midget shit into a headscissors and hurls Finlay out of the ring and he lands hard. Follow-up baseball slide knocks Finlay on his ass and then Rey goes to the apron and comes off the ropes with an insanely high Moonsault. He races back into the ring and basks in his face-for-life chants. Unless he ever takes off his mask again, of course. That shit is gross. Commercial!
White cake with lemon frosting, new iPod Nano and a car. Know what that means. Christmas is going to be a sad situation this year.
Back to Rey putting his tiny boots to Finlay's chinlay in the corner, then hits a baseball slide and knocks him into the ringpost. He then goes out to be eye level with a sprawled out Finlay in the ring and starts hitting some punches, but Finlay kicks Rey in his shoulder while laying down in the ring. Finlay goes out and rolls him back in and tears him apart for the next five minutes with that brawling Irishness that he learned from hundreds and hundreds of bar fights. Because a bar fight isn't complete without ass slams and knee drops. Rey makes a comeback attempt by springboarding backwards off the ropes, but Finlay turns that into a powerbomb set up and just chucks Rey at the turnbuckle where he hits his head hard and quickly rolls out of the ring. Finlay pursues immediately and breaks Rey's back on the apron before rolling him back in the ring. He nails one last knee to the back before pinning for a close two. This makes Finlay smile and he picks Rey up and just throws him at the ropes. This is awesome, no sarcasm. Rey chant starts up but Finlay puts him in an elevated boston crab. Or maybe it just looks elevated because of Rey's size. Rey almost gets the ropes but Finlay drags him halfway across the ring and drops to his knee to really cinch it in. Finlay then, while having Rey locked into a boston crab in the center of the ring with absolutely no chance of escape, breaks the hold and knees him in the side and gets a two count. No fucking shit. Rey slides out of the ring, but Finlay follows him and starts stalking, deciding to throw him into the barricade and take him back in the ring. While Rey is on the ground he gets in a kick on Finlay, who hits a kick of his own and puts him in another boston crab. This time Rey gets the ropes immediately, so Finlay breaks the hold and simply kicks him in the head. Rey kicks him from the ground again and gets a quick rollup for two. Rey up now and gets in some kicks to the hamstring and up in the corner for the mounted strikes, but Finlay takes the punches while undoing the top turnbuckle pad and then pulls Rey off, who falls and hits his head on the exposed buckle. The ref goes to fix it so Finlay grabs his shileighleigh but Rey counters with a dropkick and pins for two. Rey with more Rey offense and a big seated senton from the ropes and bounces off the ropes with a knee to Finlay's head. Off the ropes again gets Rey a clothesline. He recovers quickly enough and gets a close 619, but Finlay moved at the last second, so Rey just spun and leveled him with a kick to the head. Seated senton off the ropes again gets two. Finlay goes for a backbody drop but Rey lands on his feet and dropkicks him in the back so he lands in 619 position. Mysterio hits it this time and goes for the West Coast Pop but Finlay takes him down as he was in the air and hits a vicious Celtic Cross that looked hard on Rey's neck for the pinfall.
Winner : Finlay
After the match, Finlay throws Rey out of the ring and follows him out. He grabs a laptop from the announcer table and nails Rey in the head with it. He then picks Rey up and rams him stomach first into the ringpost where he stays for a few moments before finally dropping to the ground. Finlay picks his shileighleigh up and stares down Rey and leaves looking absolutely evil. Closeup on the DESTROYED paper-thin laptop that lay crumpled on the ground, and a shot of Finlay smiling from the ramp before returning to serious angry killer face. Ton of heat for Finlay.
Another Khali promo hyping the vicegrip. Apparently nobody's ever broken it. Guess Khali is the new Masters. What an honor. Commercial.
Jeff Hardy vs Shelton Benjamin one on one in an AUTHENTIC LIFELIKE Money in the Bank rematch!
CM Punk out now, followed by Noble. Punk kisses WWE's "red-headed step child" belt. His words, not mine. I would have went with "Cheap ploy to use a cheap toy to make that last minute PPV match seem more important" but that's because I'm not as funny as Punk. Noble out now, looking determined to lose.
ECW Champion CM Punk w/ Probable Backstage HEAT~! vs Jamie Noble w/ Probably the closest thing he'll ever get to a best of collection
They exchange technical stuff and Muay Thai kicks, with a stiff kick knocking Noble out of the ring. Punk off the turnbuckle takes down Noble on the apron reentering the ring, and a suicide dive through the ropes keeps him down on the outside. Back inside, Punk misses a clothesline and Noble gets a neckbreaker. Noble then puts Punk in a neck hold I'm too dumb to know and hammers on him for about a minute, he even keeps the hold on after being thrown to the ground. Punk escapes by ramming Noble into the corner and gets in some more kicks. Noble gets in some knees to Punk's head, which Punk replies with shins to Noble's head. Clothesline/Bulldog combo, then up for the GTS but Miz is in for the DQ. He gets a superkick for his efforts, but out now is John Morrison, who manages to get himself GTS'd in the FACE. Noble then surprises Punk and hits his gutbuster finisher and stands tall above all men for the first time in his life.
Winner : CM Punk
Batista making his way to the ring because he's got something to say. Commercials 'gain.
S'how bout them Jews?! ...I don't know...
Back to a short video package for the INHUMAN Hell in a Cell. Personally, I think a Hell in a Cell made out of people would be much, much scarier.
Batista out now with his pyro and invisible turret gun. JBL suddenly has to take a phone call and quickly steps over the barricade talking into his cell. Batista reaffirms him and Taker are not friends, but he's pulling for him tonight against Khali because he wants him 100% at Survivor Series. He has something to prove against Taker and is in the best shape of his career. He says he's going to win, yeah! and throws down the mic and leaves. Actually a really good, short but intense promo. Big crowd reaction to it.
Time for tag title match. JBL is back, and aplogizes for his absence but it was an urgent business call. UH HUH YA IM SURE. Right. MVP out in a black bodysuit with a small white C on it which JBL and Cole explain as meaning "Captain", as in captain of him and Hardy, who is out next making his in-ring return after being injured for a couple weeks. In the ring together, Hardy stares at MVP's US Title around his waist, but he holds up the tag title. Tense moment, MVP looks pissed. Majors out now for their second match of the night.
WWE Tag Team Champions Matt Hardy & MVP vs Major Brothers, WWE Tag Team title match
Hardy and Brian start off. Hardy backs Major up right away so he tags in his BROTHER who comes over the ropes with a sunset for two. Hardy then gets the bulldog out of the corner for two, and follows that with the standing elbow drop to the back of the head. Signal for Twist of Fate but MVP tags himself in and gets two on a snap suplex. He offers the tag to Matt who tries to make the tag but MVP pulls his hand away. Brett then takes control with a blocking boot in the corner followed by a high jump into a sitting position...thing that takes down MVP. MVP up quickly and knocks Brian off the apron and hits the Playmaker on Brett for three.
Winners and STILL WWE Tag Team Champions : Matt Hardy & MVP
Matt tries to raise MVP's hand, but he jerks it away disgusted and goes to cheer away from Matt. Hardy also raises his hands in celebration and MVP shoots him a "watch your back" look with wide eyes. MVP's becoming a scary motherfucker.
Yet a third Khali video airs, all but assuring Taker's win tonight.
To the announcers now who talk about the passing of The Fabulous Moolah, a woman "so great, she was referred to as simply 'Fabulous'." Technically, she was also referred to as "Moolah" and "The", but whatever, her video's on so I'll shut up. Good long video closes with "Despite her age, she never retired from wrestling and showed up with friend Mae Young when you least expected it." I must be a fucking psychic then. Commercial.
That's a D chord.
Back and they plug Batista's "Dance With the Devil" next Sunday. Who knew the Devil was a face professional wrestler? Crowd pops for ring announcer Justin Roberts' announcement of the No Holds Barred match. Khali out first with that fag manager of his. Taker out next weighing in at 299. Hey neat, Khali's chest moles glow in Undertaker's entrance light. While in the ring, Taker stares down JBL, but turns his attention to Khali when the bell rings. He immediately hits an Old School and chokeslam for two. And then! Another commercial. Hoo-hah!
Back and Khali is in control of Taker in the corner with weakass kicks. Khali then knocks him around the ring with punches and takes him down with a headbutt and clothesline for two. Taker mounts a comeback with strikes and headbutts that aren't hard to watch, but Khali counters with a real cringer and leaps down for the cover in the quickest I've ever seen him move. No joke, that shit was scary. Cover gets two, so he goes for the vicegrip on Taker's neck which he sells great. He eventually gets out and hits some strikes in the corner, but Taker goes down after an elbow. Visegrip on the back of Taker's head now, which has NEVER BEEN BROKEN. Taker then proceeds to stand up and break it. NO WAY. And all it took was some strikes to the stomach and then, what do you know, removing his hands from the head. Chokeslam gets two again, so he signals for the tombstone but Khali stops that early with a chokebomb. Khali then poses over him, but Taker sits face to crotch with Khali. As Khali leans over to pick him up, Taker gets his legs up and wraps them around Khali's head into a triangle choke. Thirty seconds and change later Khali taps.
Winner : The Undertaker
I guess the No DQ stip was just in case Khali fucked up and fell into the ropes during the finish, because those fuckers wrestled that match clean. Taker signals for the belt, then kneels and shows us his tongue.
Happy Birthday Things : Rey-Finlay was really great, ECW title feud continuation was good with the possibility of Noble going to ECW and being a big player over there seeming interesting. Hey, if Miz can do it... Also, MVP-Hardy is progressing great, and Batista and Taker is actually interesting, and JBL's involvement doesn't detract from that, and maybe it's just because I kind of suck, but I think Taker's walking out champ.
UNHappy Birthday Things : Opening tag match was terrible, it was more like a really bad regular battle royal until the end. Also, I can't feel anything but apathy toward Chuck Palumbo and that whole group.
BIRTHDAY EDITION OF Remember When : My dad made a pinata out of papier mache when I was like five, except he made it too hard, so when neither of us could break it with a stick, he cut it open with a circular saw? Yeah, well, if he was really cool, he would have roundhouse kicked it open. But he's not, and I had to eat a bunch of candy halves because of it.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (11/16/07) 

Friday Night Smackdown! A night of action, competition, and belief-suspending ENTERTAINMENT. Really. I still can't believe they gave Miz a fucking belt. Probably not the best opener to keep people reading, but my backspace is broken. Also, on an all-encompassingly unrelated note, I'm extremely lazy and uncreative. This thing just keeps getting better. I'll stop before I lose everyone. I mean, GAIN TOO MANY READERS AND CRASH THE SERVERS~! Allright...

Hey, neat! It's Finlay! And Jeff Hardy! In the same ring! I haven't seen this since, well last Monday actually, but still. This should be a very solid back-and-forth match. That's what I'd say if I knew what that meant, but since I don't, you get : dis hurr shuld be roolz!

Finlay vs Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy, Non-title, of course, cause Finlay don't never get no belts

They exchange lockups and arm wrenches and other opening match stuff until Finlay locks up Hardy's chin, but Hardy gets out and throws Finlay out of the ring. Dropkick through the ropes and a dive over them knocks Finlay down on the outside. Hardy recovers first since he only landed on a dude with big hard muscles and Finlay landed on that cold unforgiving gym mat and rolls Fin in the rin. Finlay gets up though and throws Hardy around for a while which he ends with a headlock. Hardy gets out and receives a clothesline for his accomplishment. Another headlock follows, this time with Finlay nailing him in the head with his elbow. Hardy gets out with his split-legged jawbreaker though, but Finlay stops that shit with a forearm. Hardy whipped into the ropes and drops him and lands a few knees on his face before putting him in another headlock. Jeffrey gets out again, because headlocks don't mean shit in wrestling, and hits a Whisper in the Wind that looked so weak it should have been called a Silence in the Breeze! That was fucking awful, but you know, no backspace and all. He follows up his Breeze with quick clotheslines, Irish whip on the Irishman into the corner, and a couple dropkicks. Finlay, frustrated with his winning streak, grabs his shilleighleigh and shoves the ref. DQ and then Hardy chucks Finlay out of the ring. Finlay's a fucking retard.
Winner : Jeff Hardy


Uncommercial! Out now is THE UNDATAKAH, PLAYA! I miss Teddy. Or maybe I just really don't like Vickie the Horsefaced Shemale. What? The living status or lack thereof of a grieving widow's husband does not affect what I think or say about her physical appearance. Just ask my Nan. I don't give a damn, she could have gotten those nursing home knots out of her hair for Grandpa's wedding. Up there on the podium looking like a fucking dog, as if that was all Granddad could get. He was a stallion, a real man's man! Or in my case, a boy's man! That camping weekend got illegal quick. Oh yeah, and Taker referred to Hell in a Cell by every JR/Cole nickname there is and said he's been in the HIAC more than the Devil himself. No shit, the landlord doesn't live with the tenant, Taker. Plus he's got the entire Depths of Hell to hang out with Judas Mesias and Rellik Stamboli from TNA, why would he spend time dicking around with you in your shitty duplex in the desert? Taker ends with Rest in Peas. Something something vat of mashed peas, commercials.

Wanna go for a ride on the Pep Bus? Come on, it beats the Rape Van.

Back for some more WWE vs Brand Split action, this time featuring DIVAS!

Victoria & Women's Champion Beth Phoenix vs. Mickie James & Torrie Wilson

Victoria and James start and exchange wrist locks until Mickie pins for two. She then attacks Phoenix with a cheap shot, but since she's face it was in self defense. Victoria defends her partner being attacked by mercilessly and disgustingly jumping her from behind. Phoenix in now and hits her big strong muscley woman offense until Mickie gets out of turnbuckle shoulder thrusts and makes the hot tag to Torrie! That's who will finally stop Chyna 2.0, Torrie Wilson! She hits some weak elbows and rolls up the GLAMAZON for two. Swinging neckbreaker attempt gets Torrie slammed a couple times for the three count.

Winners: Beth Phoenix & Victoria

In the back now with the Hardys chatting it up. Matt will be lounging with MVP in a minute. Commercials.

I don't really watch Smackdown.

Back with MVP in his VIP Lounge. He introduces his patnah and Matt makes his way to the ring. They talk about their great teamwork and how that will help them at Survivor Series somehow, even though they're on opposite teams. Matt gets pissed about MVP cheating in some tag match the Hardys had with him and Ken Kennedy on ECW, but MVP reassures him a country boy can survive and in New York City you can get stabbed for $43. Or maybe my dad just blasted the Hank Williams Jr concert from his room for three hours today as I worked on mah art drawing. Or maybe I just wanted to mention I draw which in actuality I almost never do but wanted to make myself sound artsy. I'm not sure about any of those, but I am sure I'm lost now. Okay, Matt's still pissed and MVP says at least he didn't let Kennedy fuck Jeffrey boy up even more after the match with a chair. Hardy says they're squarezies, then decides that's no good and gets pissed about something else - why MVP won't let Hardy face him for his U.S. Shampionchip and demands a title match tonight. P doesn't want to though because they're Tag champs and, more importantly, friends, so Hardy says they've never been friends now defend your damn belt. MVP says they can't anyway because they're defending their tag team championships together right now. I guess Vickie thought it was good enough for only one of the champs to know they had a title match tonight. Actually it should be, why wouldn't MVP tell Matt so he could be all prepared and whatever? I guess he just never got a chance to call him because he didn't wanna look bad in front of his Panther friends talking jive to that smacked country cracka from Northern C. They'd make him get his big Malcom X chest tattoo removed, and then what excuse could MVP give management to knock take away his awesome Power Ranger body suit and replace it with baggy dungarees and stick him with Shelton Benjamin as The New Cryme Tyme? Actually, the tattoo would only add to that gimmick. Man I hope WWE Creative doesn't read this. Aww, who am I kidding, OF COURSE they do. They're always looking for the next "Arab Bischoff". Sorry for fucking your career up, Monty. Please don't shank me when I drive through Crooklyn or whatever you all do kthx.
Retarded. Anyway! Title defense time! Against another VOLATILE team, dual number one contenders to the ECW Championship John Morrison and The Miz. Neatness. Except for the Miz part.

WWE Tag Team Champions Matt Hardy & MVP vs John Morrison & The Miz, WWE Tag Title Match

MVP knocks Miz on his ass right away and drops some hard knees and hits his big running boot. Tag now to Hardy and MVP sells his knee as being hurt. Miz tags to Morrison to get thrown around next, and he does with the corner clothesline/bulldog combo. Morrison hurls Matt into the corner with Miz and why are they so many M names in this match? Must stand for Mediocre, cause that's what this is so far, what with the no selling and the...the bad story telling, and, and the... BOTCHES. Trust my opinion guys, I'm legit! I'm no stupid nark! I'm in the snark Kliq! THE BOTCHES! Jesus Christ... Right, both mine and the matches' Mediocreness aside, Morrison works on Matt's knee and damnit there's still too many M's. That's it, for the remainder of tonight, John Morrison will be Johm Norrison. The newly named Norrison tags in the Miz who nails Hardy's knee into the nearby turnbuckle. Fucking N's now. Fine alliteration, you win. Norrison tagged back in and he continues to work over the leg. Hardy gives Norrison a kick though and gets a quick clothesline. Norrison attacks from beneath though and grabs Hardy's leg to drop him in pain. Tag to Miz and Hardy spots the weak link so he looks to finish this dumb motherfucker with a Twist of Fate but Norrison nails the knee and Miz covers for the unprecedentedly unexpected three.
Winners and NEW WWE Tag Team Champions : Johm Norrison & The Miz

MVP grabs a mic and says hell naw, rematch clause this shit! Crowd is relieved and so am I because we go to commercials and I really had to piss.

Howard Lederer? More like, Chowder Head...erer!

WWE Tag Team Champions Johm Norrison & The Miz vs. Matt Hardy and MVP, WWE Tag Title Match

Back to MVP messing up Miz. He trusts enough to tag in Hardy and Miz immediately assaults his leg. Norrison tagged in and takes down Hardy to lay in some kicks to his knee and then locks in a leg lock. Norrison breaks it and gives the knee a final kick before tagging in the Miz. Hardy tries to rally but Miz hits the Reaity Check neckbreaker for two as Hardy just got his leg on the bottom rope. Norrison in with a single leg crab but Hardy again is saved by the ropes, so Norrison just locks in another one and Hardy taps. Like a lil bitch, straight bustin', right MVP? No? Oh.

Winners and STILL WWE Tag Team Champions : Johm Norrison and Miz

Post-match MVP helps Hardy to his feet but then kicks his leg out from under his leg (TM Owen Hart) and nails him with the belt. He then tears off Hardy's kneebrace and fucks up his knee with the steel steps. I'm guessing Hardy isn't going to be the "sole survivor" this Sunday. Commercials.

My mom makes her terrier wear a dress. Always.

Back and it's Ken Ken. vs Rey-Rey! Let's see if they'll make Rey 0-2 in exchange for giving Kennedy a win. Like that will ever happen. The Kennedy winning part, not Rey losing a bunch. He lost more consecutive matches during his World Title reign than Holly did during his MAIN EVENT battles with Brock Lesnar.

Ken Kennedy vs Rey Mysterio

Boring lockup/arm moves that always start Smackdown matches always and forever until Rey hits a quick arm drag and a swinging headscissors that always start all Rey Mysterio matches always and forever or at least until he runs too fast before applying the move and takes his opponents head off. B-because it's called a headSCISSORS! Then it'd probably be called a leaping leg guillotine or something just fucked up enough that everyone would think you were talking about a guillotine leg drop. Anyway, Rey then hits an elbow and hurricarana and sets up the 619 but Kennedy rolls out as we go to commercials.
Oh man, I just shot [Phil Lamarr] in the face. What the FUCK was his name in that movie? Seriously. That's some bullshit irrelevant factoid I would actually like to get from you stupid toadies. (TM Raven...and Todd Lewis too, I guess)

Back and Kennedy gets a headlock takedown in on Rey. He lays in some kicks and tries to rip off his mask but Rey kicks him in the head. Kennedy quickly regains control however with an alley oop and a shoulder thrust in the corner, followed by a body scissor until Rey grabs the ropes. Kennedy takes Rey out and throws him into the barrier and then the apron and rolls him back in and Rey finds himself in a torture rack, but he fights out and gets a sunset flip for two. Springboard moonsault attempt gets caught so Rey improvises with a DDT. Hurricarana and flying crossbody get two, and a subsequent seated senton and a kick to the back of the head get the same result. Rey bouncing off the ropes now but Kennedy hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and lifts Rey up but Rey hits a dropkick into 619 position, but not 69 position because RESLING AINT GAY! Look, DX points at their crotches and dances with oily fat men all the time and they're the most popular guys in the biz! Anyway. Kennedy quickly recovers which has been happening a lot to 619 victims lately and throws Rey into the corner. Kennedy takes him up for the long-absent Green Bay Plunge but Rey hits a hurricarana from the top for the awesome win!

Winner : Rey Mysterio

Thupadeluxth.com - Maria Bamford is the best thing since "Ice Spiders".

Oh, oh! Hornswoggle vs Khali FEUD! Hornswoggle is 138 pounds, Khali breaks the scale. Cole asks Khali if he has anything to say to his adoring fans (his destitute family in India eagerly waiting for "that big dumb bastard" to send money back) and he splurrs and splathers. Arab Bischoff (I can say it, I work here) explains that Khali detailed the people he's defeated, including Batista, Taker, Cena, and KANE. One of these things is not like the other... After Sunday, says Khali, apparently, Hornswoggle's name will be added to that prestigious list. It's time for Hornswoggle and Khali to get their picture taken for some reason and Khali rips up Hornswoggle's hat. Fucking hell...

I want Zach Galifianakis' butler.

Oh, OH! Even more good news for those of you who changed the channel after Rey's match! Up next is Batista taking on Mark Henry in a No DQ match, and lemme tell you, if it's half as brutal as last week's, we'll...see someone cleanly tap after a completely clean match again? I can't wait for Batista to debut the Batista Box or whatever name he'll give his submission move (probably a torture rack) that he'll inevitably add to his ARSENAL. I mean, Cena's got the STF and he still manages to fuck that up. Why not give Batista a shot to poorly fake technical prowess?

World Heavyweight Champion Batista vs Mark Henry, Nontitle No-DQ Match

Batista attacks Henry with his usual clobbering. Kick to the face and he rams Henry's back into the corner a few times. He then hits his face into the buckle a few more times. He follows this by...ramming his shoulder into the corner. Grab a fucking chair, you ugly sacks of shit! Henry blatantly disregards my lightly encouraging suggestion by locking in an ARM BAR but Batista gets out and hits a spinebuster. He then leaves the ring and grabs his big gold belt and levels Henry with it for three.

Winner: Batista and absolutely nobody else.

Post-match Batista continues the assualt on Henry on the outside by hurling him into the steel steps and choking him with a cable. He then puts him against the ringpost and spears him and beats him down with a chair. Back in the ring he celebrates his doing of what he could have done in the actual match two minutes ago anyway until Taker's lights hit, no doubt lighting Henry's sweat up and making him look like a short fat no talent Christmas tree, and Taker stares at Batista on the Titan Tron. END SHOW.

You know, I really liked : Rey-Kennedy because it was really good with a great ending, and also the tag title match. It effectively ended both the team and friendship of Hardy and MVP setting them up for a great nasty feud over the US Title and gives Morrison and Miz a new tool to play around with to keep their feud up. Can't see them keeping it long, but still, it was better to give them the belts and let them run with it then, say, putting it on Jesse and Festus or any other tag team.
Also, I'll have you know I really fucking hated : The last half hour of the show. Just...all of it. Unfuckingwatchable.

Keep this under your hat, but Remember When: The Cruiserweight and Tag Divisions were fun to watch? Yeah I know it's been like a decade, but still. Well lately the Heavyweight Division or whatever the fuck the World Title is in, it's really starting to join them to me. Not that Batista-Taker isn't great, which it isn't, but it's certainly better than Khali-Batista or Batista-Anyone else, but this latest incarnation of that feud aside, it's just so boring and monotonous. I guess what I'm saying is hopefully next Friday Edge is going to do to SD what Jericho is sure to do to Raw hopefully starting next Monday - Greatly improve it. Ha, you thought I was going to say "Save", you fucking nark!


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).