SmackDown Rant Archive (November 2006)
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November 03, 2006
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Joe Merrick is NOT
AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating
literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.
Anyway! I have a treat for you youngsters. I decided, seeing as SD lacks so much in the Tag Division, that
I would do my part to help contribute to it! Therefore I bring you this Recap in two parts. The first by me, the second by
fellow British newcomer, British Bullfrog! Take a bow, sir.
Anyway, onto the show.
Rey comes out on crutches, which is hilarious
because they’re actually lifting him up off the ground and he’s moving as if they’re stilts. Ok maybe not
but funny visual eh? JBL and Cole consider Rey’s speculated retirement, JBL sounding contemplative, Cole sounding utterly
bereaved.
He says he needs surgery on his knee, and says he will be up front with the fans and openly admit to quitting
the I Quit match because of the pain in his knee. Talk about Captain Obvious. What other possible reason could there be, other
than what has already been established in WWE Kayfabe: Rey is a huge gigantic pulsing wet pussy.
After some spiel about
how the fans always support him, when Chavo and Vickie come out, the latter holding a chair. Chavo says he wants Rey to say
the words ‘I Quit’ again, as it is music to his ears. Well I gotta admit it’s more melodic than most of
today’s music…I’m looking at you, Pussycat Dolls…..still looking…
Chavo then tells Rey
to autograph the chair Vickie is holding, as it is the same chair used to bash in his knee. After Rey refuses to sign the
chair, Chavo signs it ‘I Ouit’. And no, that’s not a typo. Dumbass Mexican.
Chavo says these are
the words that came out of Rey’s mouth, before Rey swings a crutch at him but misses, so Chavo attacks his knee again.
JBL has a nice line: “He may not be able to spell, but he can kick ass!” about Chavo. God Bless ambiguously gay
rednecks.
Chris Benoit makes the save and we go to commercial.
London and Kendrick
w/ Ashley vs. KC James and Idol Stevens w/ Michelle McCool
This feud still going on? Well I suppose it’s
to be expected when it’s the only two teams on the entire Smackdown roster.
Anyway, it’s a non-title match
and we begin with London and Stevens. James distracts London and then Stevens takes advantage. Some fast paced action next,
leading to Kendrick getting tagged in and a double team on James and Stevens. Kendrick hits a crossbody on James for two,
but James and Stevens regain control after McCool makes a distraction. Soon Kendrick is down and nearly gets pinned by James
but makes it to the ropes. This is after a punch, mind.
Soon enough London gets involved and helps double team the
heels to help get the pin.
What did I gain from this match? – Running out of fancy cruiserweight-type moves,
the teams have come up with a new way to genuinely surprise us – fighting like Stone Cold Fucking Steve Austin.
Long
is in the back with Booker as always, and he says that seeing as Booker is representing SD at Cyber Sunday, he wants him to
win (Holy shit, for once he wants the guy to pin somebody) and has a private room for both him and Sharmell, as well as protection,
which Booker says he doesn’t need. See, man, that’s why there’s so many starving kids in Africa with that
logic, man. Come on. Show some responsibility.
After the commercial we cut to the aforementioned private room with
Booker and Long. A knock o nthe door, and the ‘protection’ is revealed to be Batista, which doesn’t please
Booker in the least. Honestly though the way it happened I almost expected Batista to look at Sharmell and say ‘Hey,
I’ve come to fix the fridge’.
MVP and Kennedy now, backstage talking about Kane and Taker reuiniting. Kennedy
says he has a plan as he has beaten both of them. MVP questions whether those could be called victories, but Kennedy just
says he needs to listen to him as he has been here longer. Ya hear that, Bullfrog? Now shine my shoes.
MVP honestly
makes me laugh my ass off just with the sheer amount of times he refers to himself as ‘the MVP’. I mean my God.
He’s like Timmy from South Park.
MVP and MISTUUUUH Kennedy
vs. Undertaker and Kane
Kennedy and Kane start off but MVP gets tagged in, leading to Power Ranger chants.
MVP gets thrown into the corner like a soon-to-be rape victim, and gets chopped and punched. Kane basically beats down MVP
for a while until Kennedy gets in just so he can get knocked down and Undertaker is tagged in. Kennedy makes a quick tag but
MVP is petrified and ends up tagging Kennedy back in. he gets pummelled by Taker but MVP gets a cheap shot in. After a bit,
MVP and Kennedy get booted out, and decide to walk and get counted out. They do so, but Long comes out and restarts the match
with a no count out rule.
So here we go again. Theyre still stood at the entrance but start to encourage each other,
and as they run to the ring, MVP gets in but Kennedy sneakily stays out, so MVP gets annihilated by Kane, who tags in Taker
to beat on him for a while as well. He hits the Old School, Kane is then in and he hits the flying clothesline but Kennedy
goes in and hits a low blow on him for a DQ, and loses. Only THIS time, Long comeso ut and restarts AGAIN with a no count
out or DQ rule. Screw this crap, Bullfrog, over to you, buddy.
Ok here we go with part numero dos of this weeks SD
Double Feature! It's good to take a break from TNA, where everything is slowly become boring and formulaic. Today I get to
recap something that became boring and formulaic years ago. Huzzah!
So now it's been established that there's no way
around it and the two promising new talents must be buried CLEANLY we start again. Taker throws Kennedy into the steel steps
and Kane thows MVP into the entrance. A bit of the entrance falls off and I hope that wasn't meant to happen. Taker throws
Kennedy into the barricade as Kane throws MVP into the barricade then Taker throws Kennedy into the bellstand. Yes, it really
is that much of a squash. MVP and Kennedy get thrown into the announce table then into the ring by the Brothers Of Destruction.
Kennedy and MVP are in different corners and they both get clotheslined by Kane. Kane asked Taker to do the same and the Deadman
obliges. Taker hits a big boot on Kennedy as Kane nails MVP then slams him. Kane heads up top but Kennedy throws him off.
Kennedy hits an axe handle on Kane then gets tagged in by MVP and dropkicks Kane. Irish whip into the turnbuckle for the Big
Red Machine. Kennedy tags in MVP who starts punching Kane, MVP runs into the ropes but Kane slams him. Tags to Kennedy and
Taker. Undertaker takes out both his opponents then side slams Kennedy. He nails him for a bit then gets a snake eyes followed
by a big boot from Kane. Big Evil hits the legdrop but the three count is interrupted by MVP. Kennedy punches the undead balls
of the Deadman then hits a swinging neckbreaker. MVP is running away but gets caught in a goozle by Kane, as does Kennedy
but they counter and hit a double DDT. Double cover but Kane kicks out. Double sit-up from the Brothers Of Destruction(of
careers). Chokeslams for MVP and Kennedy then Taker tomstones Kennedy for the win.
WINNERS: Undertaker & Kane
I
think in Takers warped mind this was actually fair play seeing as how he 'put Kennedy over' with a victory at No Mercy. But
then how much do you trust the judgement of a zombie biker? The Brothers pose for a bit then we cut to backstage.
King
Bookers is complaining to Batista when Batista says he head the Raw and ECW guys are going to show up. Booker decideds to
stay where he is for the minute.
It is announced that next week we will have Batista versus Finlay.
JIMMY WANG YANG [teehee] vs. GREGORY HELMS
Lockup to start and Jimmy Wang Yang
thows Helms. I so enjoy the sound of Jimmy Wang Yang's name I'm not going to abbreviate it once during this recap. Headlock
by Helms who then goes into the ropes and his the shoulder block. Jimmy Wang Yang hits a head scissors followed by a drop
kick that sends the former Hurricane to the outside. Jimmy Wang Yang hits a cross body from the ring to the outside on Helms
then throws him in the ring and covers for a two count. Helms drops Jimmy Wang Yang on the top rope then hits a clothesline
and a cover for one. A choke and then a suplex by the former Shane which gets a one count. Helms locks in a headlock but Jimmy
Wang Yang gets a jawbreaker and a big chop. Jimmy Wang Yang throws Helms into the corner. Clothesline by Jimmy Wang Yang followed
by a DDT which only gets two. Helms gets a suplex but Jimmy Wang Yang lands on his feet and gets a wheel kick on Helms but
it's just a two count. Helms gets sent into the turnbuckle then eats a sunset flip but Sylvan distracts the referee from making
the three. I'll leave it up to your imagine to decide just how Sylvan distracted the referee. Helms rolls up Jimmy Wang Yang
holding the tights (Cole is outraged) for a three.
WINNER: GREGORY HELMS
Sylvan and Helms beat up on Jimmy Wang
Yang after the match but Matt Hardy comes out to make the save. Jimmy Wang Yang and Matt Hardy as an alliance, eh? (Cue Odd
Couple theme music). One is a moaning crying emo little bitch who's career died a few weeks after his best friend fucked his
girlfriend. The other is an Asian who thinks he's a cowboy! They're the original Odd Couple!
King Booker and Queen
Sharmell are in the private room and Sharmell gets up to powder her nose. There's definitely an angle in her doing it like
Mia Wallace 'powdered her nose' in Pulp Fiction. There's not enough drug addiction in the WWE now Angles gone.
THE MIZ & KRISTAL vs. VITO & LAYLA
I hate the Miz so fucking much it hurts my face.
Kristal and Layla start us off with Layla hitting a slam and then some clotheslines. Kristal tags that cunt who loves himself
so Layla is forced to tag in Vito. Vito runs about a bit (he wears ladies clothing, don't you know) They exchange punches
and Miz irish whips Vito only to eat a forearm. Not literally of course. Back body drop by Vito and Miz tags Kristal. Vito
waves his dress at Kristal. We get it already, he dresses like a chick! Layla throws Kristal into the ropes but Kristal reverses
it and rolls up Layla for a three count/
WINNERS: THE MIZ & KRISTAL
Miz and Kristal are celebrating when the
Boogeymans music hits. I swear to god if we get a Miz/Boogeyman feud I'm gonna steal and kill a puppy. You have been warned,
McMahon, you have been warned. Miz runs like a little bitch but Kristal can't escape. Boogeyman spits worms on Kristal then
does a dance. I can't believe they actually released a talent like that! It's a good thing they realised their mistake before
TNA snapped him up.
King Booker is still complaining in the private room. Isn't a private room where you go to jerk
off if you're a sperm donor? Batista goes to get a drink of water and starts to fake an attack which freaks out Booker and
Sharmell. Booker gets ready for the invaders as Batista walks into the room. Booker tells Batista he has to get them out of
there. Batista grins.
Jamie Noble is in the ring as we see clips of Tatanka's attack on Lashley. Lashley comes to the ring
then Tatanka's music hits and he's had a makeover!
JAMIE NOBLE vs.
BOBBY LASHLEY
Lashley throws Noble into both corners then hits a suplex. Lashley stares down Tatanka. Noble
hits a few punches but gets driven into the corner but Noble gets a leg up and goes up top. Noble hits a cross body, roll
through and Lashley gets a running power slam. The end.
WINNER: BOBBY LASHLEY
Lashley wants an explanation but Tatanka
says he doesn't owe anyone an explanation. Tatanka says it is his people who are owed an explanation and that they have suffered.
He is sick of it and a new warrior has awoken inside of him. Jesus Christ it's like the cheap brand bargain bin equivalent
of Hogans nWo heel turn speech. Lashley wants Tatanka in the ring but Tatanka doesn't rise to the challenge.
King
Booker and Sharmell are leaving the building when it's ATTACK OF THE MIDCARD JOBBERS. A bunch of ECW and Raw midcarders attack
but Batista fends them off and King Booker and Sharmell leave in safety. Teddy Long thanks Batista for protecting the world
title and Batista says he will have the title soon. Long responds with 'That's what you said in July you roided up bastard'.
Well he didn't but it would be cool if he did. Batista now has some personal business to take care of. And where else do you
take care of personal business than in an arena full of people!
Batista comes to the ring and says he has been watching
King Booker's ass which was business but now it's time for something personal. He says Finaly better come to the ring or Batista's
gonna go back there and get him. Finlay gets half way down the ramp then walks back. Batista pursues him then Finlay attacks
at the top of the ramp. A bunch of officials break them up and that's the show, folks.
Thanks, Bullfrog, and thank
you lot for reading. It’s goodnight from me
Bullfrog: And it’s goodnight from him!
Goodbye, everybody!
So, let the show commence! Well, either that, or you turn that shit off. The Anvils Swagbag, watching Smackdown
so you don’t have to. That joke been done before? Darn right! Just add ‘joke theft’ to the list of things
I rule at.
And we’re off and running; we know this because once there was a beautiful maiden whose face launched
a thousand ships. To launch Smackdown, we have the face of Queen Sharmell. WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU SHARMELL? YOUR FACE LAUNCHES
SMACKDOWN! Maybe this is evidence enough that they can stop bringing up that Miss Black America stuff right about now.
They
are out here tonight to celebrate. No bed in the middle of the ring… maybe Edge pulled a few strings in the back, because
he didn’t want to be shown up, if you know what I mean. If you don’t…Booker is black. Black. Edge gets shampoo,
Booker gets a huge… thingy. And speaking of huge thingies, out comes another black man; Teddy Long. The name is NOT
a coincidence folks. They take a few photos, talk for a while, the usual crap with Teddy congratulating and thanking Booker
for being the Champion of Champions. Oh, and then he puts him in a match with Batista at Survivor Series, and one with Bobby
Lashley right now. Hold up, hold up, wait a minute, wait a minute, you what now? You are going to thank Booker by putting
him in two matches with two steroid enhanced animals!? Come ON now.
Booker:- Can’t I just have a bottle of champagne
or something?
Teddy:- Nope. I think you should go for the matches, ya dig?
Booker:- How about a small medal?
Teddy:-
Hmmmm. Nah.
Booker:- A REALLY small one.
Teddy:- No, NO Booker, you can have the matches. You DESERVE them. And thank
you so very much, Dogg.
Booker:- …..you bastard.
MATCH 1:- King Booker Vs.
Bobby Lashley, w/o any of those ‘with’ jokes, because I can’t think of any.
This is
exactly what you would expect from any pretty good Lashley/Batista match up. Spot the difference between the two? I can’t.
They should put them in a tag team called the Vice Versa’s, or Yin and Yang, or something. Regardless, King Booker gets
the win, of course, with a roll-up, a handful of tights, and a queen (not Vito). Hey, Teddy, here’s an idea… why
not make the match for the PPV AFTER the match on the night next time. Then maybe I won’t be sat here, twiddling my
thumbs, thinking, ‘So, when’s Booker gonna pin this guy?’ Jeez.
Winner:- Booker
MVP enters
Teddy’s office to complain about last week’s tag match. There’s another one! Boy, is it a Well Hung Sausage
Fest on Smackdown tonight. MVP somehow drops the word’s Street Fight into his complaint. Bad idea, dude. Teddy says
he will face Kane in a Street Fight next week.
I have compiled a list of sentences for MVP, things that he should
never say, for future reference.
- I could beat you with one hand tied behind my back, bitch.
- I swear, I could
make you tap out any time I wanted.
- …but I will never ever Quit. Ever.
- Hey, I could even beat you surrounded
by four big walls of steel, with a roof on the top so that it was impossible to escape, with stupid stuff like barbed wire
and tacks and… shit under the ring.
- You know what, I have never had herpes, and I never will.
You can create
your own Lita joke out of the last one.
Ooh, goody, another backstage segment raping Eddie’s corpse in the
ass! This is why so many couple of people tune into Smackdown weekly! Is it still on weekly?? You mean I have to do this again
next week? Aww man.
So Chris Benoit just happens to pass Chavo and Vickie Guerrero in the back, which of course leads
to a heated conversation about a dead guy. I had one of those once; apparently, ‘Well he didn’t say no!’
is not a good enough excuse. Ahem. So, Benoit is reeling out the usual, and then says something about Eddie’s estate,
which sends Vickie off into a torrent of rage… calm down darling, he wrote that off like four years ago when he drove
into a tree! I mean, Jesus, if Chris Benoit wants the spare parts, let him have them! Not that sort of Estate? Right. So they
are doing something different with this story now, just as you think they couldn’t possibly stretch it any further.
Anyway, Chavo says he is going to win the belt at Survivor Series… and then the crowd all shout WE DON’T CARE
ANYMORE simultaneously. I swear, it’s as if they planned it.
MATCH
2:- Matt Hardy and Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Gregory Helms and Sylvan.
Credit where credit is due, this is
a damn good match, but after the amount of matches these four have had over the past year, it should be nothing short of spectacular.
Or incredibly boring by now. Take your pick. Anyways, Matt Hardy won the match with an awesome Twist Of Fate from the top
rope, which I loved because you really do get the impression when wrestlers hit their finisher from the top that they hurt
more. It really sells the finish. BUT I don’t know if it’s me, or if there is actually a HEAT VACUUM that follows
Sylvan everywhere he goes. Shit, he walked into my front room once and the fire went out.
NEXT WEEK, SYLVAN PUNISHES
THE SUN INTO SUBMISSION.
The Sun:- NO! PLEASE! NOOOOOO! I QUIT, I QUIT GODDAMIT!
Sylvan:- Haha! As I told you,
there is no heat that could possibly survive me, Sylvan! MWAH HA HA!
Winners:- Matt Hardy and Wang Yang
Next,
here comes Kennedy, who is my favourite Smackdown wrestler of the moment; any promo this guy cuts is going to be money. He’s
like Mick Foley without the good looks and gorgeous smile. Oh, how I love thee, Foley. Anyways, Kennedy rips on Taker a bit,
reveals that they will be having a match at Survivor Series… which, of course, brings the Taker out. Wait with me as
he enters, okay? Right
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
Oh for fucks sake, COME ON!
Taker:- I can’t,
it’s the damn rigamortis.
Well, at least that explains your workrate.
Taker gets into the ring to an
awaiting Kennedy. I mean, if you are going to give somebody THAT much warning, expect them to be ready. The Undertaker doesn’t
make bombs because by the time it hit Afghanistan, they had evacuated the entire country. Bar Joe, who was too lazy to move.
Too FUCKING LAZY.
Kennedy hits Taker with the Mic, which sounds awesome. I love the build this feud has been given…
but Taker hasn’t been killed yet, so give it time. Taker is left lying with the crimson mask, but he sits up regardless
because he is UNSTOPPABLE, and because of a clause in his contract. Yup. The story is, Kennedy keeps knocking him down but
he keeps getting back up. LEARN, KENNEDY, YOU CAN’T KEEP THE UNDERTAKER DOWN. Keeping people down is his job, right?
Gimmick infringement.
Match 3:- Benoit Vs
One of those guys managed by the hot teacher lady.
This is where I introduce my first regular feature which
I will only ever use once; Playing Super Monkey Ball Instead Of Recapping The Match.
So, I’m running down this
really fucking narrow slope and struggling to keep the damn monkey on when ALL OF A SUDDEN I spot a gap in the runway!! Can
I make it over? YES I CAN! But, my god, the jump has thrown me off! I am losing balance! The ball is teetering on the edge
folks! Can I? Can I? Nooooo! The ball plummets to its death, and I am left feeling rather sad. Back to the match.
Basically,
this match was boring; That one of those guys managed by the hot teacher lady has a gimmick in which he is managed by a hot
teacher lady. POOR. New gimmick needed. How about… erm… a man who thinks he is a unicorn! He could be called Rainbow
and pushed to win the title. His T-Shirt could read, ‘I Have The Horn’. I’d buy it.
Benoit makes
him tap.
Winner:- Chris Benoit.
Warning! If you actually like Wrestling, do not read the next four paragraphs.
They shatter illusions.
Now we have to put up with the WWE ‘bigging’ up The Boogeyman like he is awesome
and they didn’t just fire his ass. Guy sucks. Lets move on.
Now we have to put up with The Boogeyman actually
wrestling. For FUCKS sake. Oh yeah, Match Four, and all that shit. He beats some jobber called TJ Dalton with a choke bomb,
and the world rejoices that it is over. This guy is the pants, I’m telling you. I mean, I was playing Smackdown Vs Raw
2007 earlier, and for fun I opted for The Boogeyman. THE GUY HAD TWO FUCKING MOVES IN HIS ARSENAL. AND NEITHER OF THEM INVOLVED
WORMS. I e-mailed THQ about the glitch in their game, but they said they refused to up his move list to three, because they
had never seen The Boogeyman do a clothesline. Fair point.
Now, he does the old ‘worms’ stuff. You know
what would make this skit even funnier? BIG DICK JOHNSON! YEAH! They’d be rocking in the aisles, as he was cocking in
the ring. And when I say rocking, I mean cutting their wrists with a shard of glass from the beer bottle that some guy just
broke over his own head to end the misery.
Backstage skit… oh no. Oh no. It looks like Kristal is persuading
The Miz to wrestle Boogeyman next week. Oh no. Somebody, cover for me. Please GOD cover for me! No takers. Not a one. You
see that, VINCE!? You are ruining the lives of us recappers!
Vince:- So, which variety of Internet wrestling fans
can we harm this week?
Exacutive:- How about the recappers, sir.
Vince:- But we hit them last week.
Exec. Indeed.
Vince:- And the week before.
Exec. Yes.
Vince:- And, at the expense of our ratings, for the last three years, if
memory serves.
Exec:- Yes! And that’s the beauty of it… after three years of being bombarded with shite, the
last thing they will expect is for us to go down that path again!
Vince:-… I love it. Kill the bastards.
Dear
lord.
AND NOW FOR OUR MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING! Thank God it’s nearly over.
Match Five:- Batista Vs Finlay.
I enjoyed this
match, but I am a Finlay mark so that was to be expected. Batista started the match strong, but lost his niche when The Little
Bastard interfered. Now, I was very dubious about Little Bastard when I heard that the WWE were planning on introducing a
leprechaun to work with Finlay. But goddamit, they have really made it work, what with the interference, Finlay’s selling
of the guy and JBL’s commentary. Hats off to them.
Winner:- Batista
Good match, good ending to what I would class as a mostly predictable, boring and at
times painful show. Yes, I’m looking at you, Boogey. NO NOT YOU DISCO INFERNO, SIT THE HELL DOWN. Damn that Disco, always
sat in the cheap seats.
Let’s polish this off with the stuff that I would keep in the Swagbag, and the things
I would condemn to the Dungeon.
Stored In The Swagbag:- The Hardy match, because
I love the finish, and it was a dynamic showing. Honourable props to the main event.
Condemned
To The Dungeon: The revelation that next week, I have to sit through The Boogeyman and Miz. I would rather gargle the
contents of my Gran’s colostomy bag.
Now hit my music! Wait… who? The Gersh? Oh for fucks sake…
erm… Alright, I got one.
You may now leave The Dungeon.
Was that good? Stop shaking your head, bitch.
God, I hope Joe gets back soon.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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