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SmackDown Rant Archive (November 2006)

November 03, 2006
November 10, 2006
November 17, 2006
November 24, 2006

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (11/03/06)
Well hey there, vanilla-faces. Welcome to this week’s Smackdown Recap, one day late, of course, but that’s what happens when Smackdown forces me to find something better to do for the night….like masturbate.

Anyway! I have a treat for you youngsters. I decided, seeing as SD lacks so much in the Tag Division, that I would do my part to help contribute to it! Therefore I bring you this Recap in two parts. The first by me, the second by fellow British newcomer, British Bullfrog! Take a bow, sir.

Anyway, onto the show.

Rey comes out on crutches, which is hilarious because they’re actually lifting him up off the ground and he’s moving as if they’re stilts. Ok maybe not but funny visual eh? JBL and Cole consider Rey’s speculated retirement, JBL sounding contemplative, Cole sounding utterly bereaved.

He says he needs surgery on his knee, and says he will be up front with the fans and openly admit to quitting the I Quit match because of the pain in his knee. Talk about Captain Obvious. What other possible reason could there be, other than what has already been established in WWE Kayfabe: Rey is a huge gigantic pulsing wet pussy.

After some spiel about how the fans always support him, when Chavo and Vickie come out, the latter holding a chair. Chavo says he wants Rey to say the words ‘I Quit’ again, as it is music to his ears. Well I gotta admit it’s more melodic than most of today’s music…I’m looking at you, Pussycat Dolls…..still looking…

Chavo then tells Rey to autograph the chair Vickie is holding, as it is the same chair used to bash in his knee. After Rey refuses to sign the chair, Chavo signs it ‘I Ouit’. And no, that’s not a typo. Dumbass Mexican.

Chavo says these are the words that came out of Rey’s mouth, before Rey swings a crutch at him but misses, so Chavo attacks his knee again. JBL has a nice line: “He may not be able to spell, but he can kick ass!” about Chavo. God Bless ambiguously gay rednecks.

Chris Benoit makes the save and we go to commercial.

London and Kendrick w/ Ashley vs. KC James and Idol Stevens w/ Michelle McCool

This feud still going on? Well I suppose it’s to be expected when it’s the only two teams on the entire Smackdown roster.

Anyway, it’s a non-title match and we begin with London and Stevens. James distracts London and then Stevens takes advantage. Some fast paced action next, leading to Kendrick getting tagged in and a double team on James and Stevens. Kendrick hits a crossbody on James for two, but James and Stevens regain control after McCool makes a distraction. Soon Kendrick is down and nearly gets pinned by James but makes it to the ropes. This is after a punch, mind.

Soon enough London gets involved and helps double team the heels to help get the pin.

What did I gain from this match? – Running out of fancy cruiserweight-type moves, the teams have come up with a new way to genuinely surprise us – fighting like Stone Cold Fucking Steve Austin.

Long is in the back with Booker as always, and he says that seeing as Booker is representing SD at Cyber Sunday, he wants him to win (Holy shit, for once he wants the guy to pin somebody) and has a private room for both him and Sharmell, as well as protection, which Booker says he doesn’t need. See, man, that’s why there’s so many starving kids in Africa with that logic, man. Come on. Show some responsibility.

After the commercial we cut to the aforementioned private room with Booker and Long. A knock o nthe door, and the ‘protection’ is revealed to be Batista, which doesn’t please Booker in the least. Honestly though the way it happened I almost expected Batista to look at Sharmell and say ‘Hey, I’ve come to fix the fridge’.

MVP and Kennedy now, backstage talking about Kane and Taker reuiniting. Kennedy says he has a plan as he has beaten both of them. MVP questions whether those could be called victories, but Kennedy just says he needs to listen to him as he has been here longer. Ya hear that, Bullfrog? Now shine my shoes.

MVP honestly makes me laugh my ass off just with the sheer amount of times he refers to himself as ‘the MVP’. I mean my God. He’s like Timmy from South Park.

MVP and MISTUUUUH Kennedy vs. Undertaker and Kane

Kennedy and Kane start off but MVP gets tagged in, leading to Power Ranger chants. MVP gets thrown into the corner like a soon-to-be rape victim, and gets chopped and punched. Kane basically beats down MVP for a while until Kennedy gets in just so he can get knocked down and Undertaker is tagged in. Kennedy makes a quick tag but MVP is petrified and ends up tagging Kennedy back in. he gets pummelled by Taker but MVP gets a cheap shot in. After a bit, MVP and Kennedy get booted out, and decide to walk and get counted out. They do so, but Long comes out and restarts the match with a no count out rule.

So here we go again. Theyre still stood at the entrance but start to encourage each other, and as they run to the ring, MVP gets in but Kennedy sneakily stays out, so MVP gets annihilated by Kane, who tags in Taker to beat on him for a while as well. He hits the Old School, Kane is then in and he hits the flying clothesline but Kennedy goes in and hits a low blow on him for a DQ, and loses. Only THIS time, Long comeso ut and restarts AGAIN with a no count out or DQ rule. Screw this crap, Bullfrog, over to you, buddy.

Ok here we go with part numero dos of this weeks SD Double Feature! It's good to take a break from TNA, where everything is slowly become boring and formulaic. Today I get to recap something that became boring and formulaic years ago. Huzzah!

So now it's been established that there's no way around it and the two promising new talents must be buried CLEANLY we start again. Taker throws Kennedy into the steel steps and Kane thows MVP into the entrance. A bit of the entrance falls off and I hope that wasn't meant to happen. Taker throws Kennedy into the barricade as Kane throws MVP into the barricade then Taker throws Kennedy into the bellstand. Yes, it really is that much of a squash. MVP and Kennedy get thrown into the announce table then into the ring by the Brothers Of Destruction. Kennedy and MVP are in different corners and they both get clotheslined by Kane. Kane asked Taker to do the same and the Deadman obliges. Taker hits a big boot on Kennedy as Kane nails MVP then slams him. Kane heads up top but Kennedy throws him off. Kennedy hits an axe handle on Kane then gets tagged in by MVP and dropkicks Kane. Irish whip into the turnbuckle for the Big Red Machine. Kennedy tags in MVP who starts punching Kane, MVP runs into the ropes but Kane slams him. Tags to Kennedy and Taker. Undertaker takes out both his opponents then side slams Kennedy. He nails him for a bit then gets a snake eyes followed by a big boot from Kane. Big Evil hits the legdrop but the three count is interrupted by MVP. Kennedy punches the undead balls of the Deadman then hits a swinging neckbreaker. MVP is running away but gets caught in a goozle by Kane, as does Kennedy but they counter and hit a double DDT. Double cover but Kane kicks out. Double sit-up from the Brothers Of Destruction(of careers). Chokeslams for MVP and Kennedy then Taker tomstones Kennedy for the win.
WINNERS: Undertaker & Kane

I think in Takers warped mind this was actually fair play seeing as how he 'put Kennedy over' with a victory at No Mercy. But then how much do you trust the judgement of a zombie biker? The Brothers pose for a bit then we cut to backstage.

King Bookers is complaining to Batista when Batista says he head the Raw and ECW guys are going to show up. Booker decideds to stay where he is for the minute.

It is announced that next week we will have Batista versus Finlay.

Lockup to start and Jimmy Wang Yang thows Helms. I so enjoy the sound of Jimmy Wang Yang's name I'm not going to abbreviate it once during this recap. Headlock by Helms who then goes into the ropes and his the shoulder block. Jimmy Wang Yang hits a head scissors followed by a drop kick that sends the former Hurricane to the outside. Jimmy Wang Yang hits a cross body from the ring to the outside on Helms then throws him in the ring and covers for a two count. Helms drops Jimmy Wang Yang on the top rope then hits a clothesline and a cover for one. A choke and then a suplex by the former Shane which gets a one count. Helms locks in a headlock but Jimmy Wang Yang gets a jawbreaker and a big chop. Jimmy Wang Yang throws Helms into the corner. Clothesline by Jimmy Wang Yang followed by a DDT which only gets two. Helms gets a suplex but Jimmy Wang Yang lands on his feet and gets a wheel kick on Helms but it's just a two count. Helms gets sent into the turnbuckle then eats a sunset flip but Sylvan distracts the referee from making the three. I'll leave it up to your imagine to decide just how Sylvan distracted the referee. Helms rolls up Jimmy Wang Yang holding the tights (Cole is outraged) for a three.

Sylvan and Helms beat up on Jimmy Wang Yang after the match but Matt Hardy comes out to make the save. Jimmy Wang Yang and Matt Hardy as an alliance, eh? (Cue Odd Couple theme music). One is a moaning crying emo little bitch who's career died a few weeks after his best friend fucked his girlfriend. The other is an Asian who thinks he's a cowboy! They're the original Odd Couple!

King Booker and Queen Sharmell are in the private room and Sharmell gets up to powder her nose. There's definitely an angle in her doing it like Mia Wallace 'powdered her nose' in Pulp Fiction. There's not enough drug addiction in the WWE now Angles gone.

I hate the Miz so fucking much it hurts my face. Kristal and Layla start us off with Layla hitting a slam and then some clotheslines. Kristal tags that cunt who loves himself so Layla is forced to tag in Vito. Vito runs about a bit (he wears ladies clothing, don't you know) They exchange punches and Miz irish whips Vito only to eat a forearm. Not literally of course. Back body drop by Vito and Miz tags Kristal. Vito waves his dress at Kristal. We get it already, he dresses like a chick! Layla throws Kristal into the ropes but Kristal reverses it and rolls up Layla for a three count/

Miz and Kristal are celebrating when the Boogeymans music hits. I swear to god if we get a Miz/Boogeyman feud I'm gonna steal and kill a puppy. You have been warned, McMahon, you have been warned. Miz runs like a little bitch but Kristal can't escape. Boogeyman spits worms on Kristal then does a dance. I can't believe they actually released a talent like that! It's a good thing they realised their mistake before TNA snapped him up.

King Booker is still complaining in the private room. Isn't a private room where you go to jerk off if you're a sperm donor? Batista goes to get a drink of water and starts to fake an attack which freaks out Booker and Sharmell. Booker gets ready for the invaders as Batista walks into the room. Booker tells Batista he has to get them out of there. Batista grins.
Jamie Noble is in the ring as we see clips of Tatanka's attack on Lashley. Lashley comes to the ring then Tatanka's music hits and he's had a makeover!

Lashley throws Noble into both corners then hits a suplex. Lashley stares down Tatanka. Noble hits a few punches but gets driven into the corner but Noble gets a leg up and goes up top. Noble hits a cross body, roll through and Lashley gets a running power slam. The end.

Lashley wants an explanation but Tatanka says he doesn't owe anyone an explanation. Tatanka says it is his people who are owed an explanation and that they have suffered. He is sick of it and a new warrior has awoken inside of him. Jesus Christ it's like the cheap brand bargain bin equivalent of Hogans nWo heel turn speech. Lashley wants Tatanka in the ring but Tatanka doesn't rise to the challenge.

King Booker and Sharmell are leaving the building when it's ATTACK OF THE MIDCARD JOBBERS. A bunch of ECW and Raw midcarders attack but Batista fends them off and King Booker and Sharmell leave in safety. Teddy Long thanks Batista for protecting the world title and Batista says he will have the title soon. Long responds with 'That's what you said in July you roided up bastard'. Well he didn't but it would be cool if he did. Batista now has some personal business to take care of. And where else do you take care of personal business than in an arena full of people!

Batista comes to the ring and says he has been watching King Booker's ass which was business but now it's time for something personal. He says Finaly better come to the ring or Batista's gonna go back there and get him. Finlay gets half way down the ramp then walks back. Batista pursues him then Finlay attacks at the top of the ramp. A bunch of officials break them up and that's the show, folks.

Thanks, Bullfrog, and thank you lot for reading. It’s goodnight from me

Bullfrog: And it’s goodnight from him!

Goodbye, everybody!

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick 

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (11/10/06)
I know what you are thinking. ‘Why the hell did Super Crazy join Raw to disappear into obscurity when he could have joined ECW and had a homecoming and probably a push!?’ Well, either that, or something about Joe not being here. Well, the truth of the matter is Joe isn’t here because… well, erm, because… because he is a lazy, lazy fuck. A lazy-ass fuck. A ridiculously lousy, ’I Wash Myself With A Rag On A Stick‘, Jerry Springer show type lazy piece of shit. Well, either that, or something about being busy for a few weeks. So, I’m going to be filling in for a while, out of the kindness of my heart. Well, either that, or out of complete boredom. And pure stupidity.

So, let the show commence! Well, either that, or you turn that shit off. The Anvils Swagbag, watching Smackdown so you don’t have to. That joke been done before? Darn right! Just add ‘joke theft’ to the list of things I rule at.

And we’re off and running; we know this because once there was a beautiful maiden whose face launched a thousand ships. To launch Smackdown, we have the face of Queen Sharmell. WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU SHARMELL? YOUR FACE LAUNCHES SMACKDOWN! Maybe this is evidence enough that they can stop bringing up that Miss Black America stuff right about now.

They are out here tonight to celebrate. No bed in the middle of the ring… maybe Edge pulled a few strings in the back, because he didn’t want to be shown up, if you know what I mean. If you don’t…Booker is black. Black. Edge gets shampoo, Booker gets a huge… thingy. And speaking of huge thingies, out comes another black man; Teddy Long. The name is NOT a coincidence folks. They take a few photos, talk for a while, the usual crap with Teddy congratulating and thanking Booker for being the Champion of Champions. Oh, and then he puts him in a match with Batista at Survivor Series, and one with Bobby Lashley right now. Hold up, hold up, wait a minute, wait a minute, you what now? You are going to thank Booker by putting him in two matches with two steroid enhanced animals!? Come ON now.

Booker:- Can’t I just have a bottle of champagne or something?
Teddy:- Nope. I think you should go for the matches, ya dig?
Booker:- How about a small medal?
Teddy:- Hmmmm. Nah.
Booker:- A REALLY small one.
Teddy:- No, NO Booker, you can have the matches. You DESERVE them. And thank you so very much, Dogg.
Booker:- …..you bastard.

MATCH 1:- King Booker Vs. Bobby Lashley, w/o any of those ‘with’ jokes, because I can’t think of any.

This is exactly what you would expect from any pretty good Lashley/Batista match up. Spot the difference between the two? I can’t. They should put them in a tag team called the Vice Versa’s, or Yin and Yang, or something. Regardless, King Booker gets the win, of course, with a roll-up, a handful of tights, and a queen (not Vito). Hey, Teddy, here’s an idea… why not make the match for the PPV AFTER the match on the night next time. Then maybe I won’t be sat here, twiddling my thumbs, thinking, ‘So, when’s Booker gonna pin this guy?’ Jeez.

Winner:- Booker

MVP enters Teddy’s office to complain about last week’s tag match. There’s another one! Boy, is it a Well Hung Sausage Fest on Smackdown tonight. MVP somehow drops the word’s Street Fight into his complaint. Bad idea, dude. Teddy says he will face Kane in a Street Fight next week.

I have compiled a list of sentences for MVP, things that he should never say, for future reference.

- I could beat you with one hand tied behind my back, bitch.
- I swear, I could make you tap out any time I wanted.
- …but I will never ever Quit. Ever.
- Hey, I could even beat you surrounded by four big walls of steel, with a roof on the top so that it was impossible to escape, with stupid stuff like barbed wire and tacks and… shit under the ring.
- You know what, I have never had herpes, and I never will.

You can create your own Lita joke out of the last one.

Ooh, goody, another backstage segment raping Eddie’s corpse in the ass! This is why so many couple of people tune into Smackdown weekly! Is it still on weekly?? You mean I have to do this again next week? Aww man.

So Chris Benoit just happens to pass Chavo and Vickie Guerrero in the back, which of course leads to a heated conversation about a dead guy. I had one of those once; apparently, ‘Well he didn’t say no!’ is not a good enough excuse. Ahem. So, Benoit is reeling out the usual, and then says something about Eddie’s estate, which sends Vickie off into a torrent of rage… calm down darling, he wrote that off like four years ago when he drove into a tree! I mean, Jesus, if Chris Benoit wants the spare parts, let him have them! Not that sort of Estate? Right. So they are doing something different with this story now, just as you think they couldn’t possibly stretch it any further. Anyway, Chavo says he is going to win the belt at Survivor Series… and then the crowd all shout WE DON’T CARE ANYMORE simultaneously. I swear, it’s as if they planned it.

MATCH 2:- Matt Hardy and Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Gregory Helms and Sylvan.

Credit where credit is due, this is a damn good match, but after the amount of matches these four have had over the past year, it should be nothing short of spectacular. Or incredibly boring by now. Take your pick. Anyways, Matt Hardy won the match with an awesome Twist Of Fate from the top rope, which I loved because you really do get the impression when wrestlers hit their finisher from the top that they hurt more. It really sells the finish. BUT I don’t know if it’s me, or if there is actually a HEAT VACUUM that follows Sylvan everywhere he goes. Shit, he walked into my front room once and the fire went out.


Sylvan:- Haha! As I told you, there is no heat that could possibly survive me, Sylvan! MWAH HA HA!

Winners:- Matt Hardy and Wang Yang

Next, here comes Kennedy, who is my favourite Smackdown wrestler of the moment; any promo this guy cuts is going to be money. He’s like Mick Foley without the good looks and gorgeous smile. Oh, how I love thee, Foley. Anyways, Kennedy rips on Taker a bit, reveals that they will be having a match at Survivor Series… which, of course, brings the Taker out. Wait with me as he enters, okay? Right

Oh for fucks sake, COME ON!

Taker:- I can’t, it’s the damn rigamortis.

Well, at least that explains your workrate.

Taker gets into the ring to an awaiting Kennedy. I mean, if you are going to give somebody THAT much warning, expect them to be ready. The Undertaker doesn’t make bombs because by the time it hit Afghanistan, they had evacuated the entire country. Bar Joe, who was too lazy to move. Too FUCKING LAZY.
Kennedy hits Taker with the Mic, which sounds awesome. I love the build this feud has been given… but Taker hasn’t been killed yet, so give it time. Taker is left lying with the crimson mask, but he sits up regardless because he is UNSTOPPABLE, and because of a clause in his contract. Yup. The story is, Kennedy keeps knocking him down but he keeps getting back up. LEARN, KENNEDY, YOU CAN’T KEEP THE UNDERTAKER DOWN. Keeping people down is his job, right? Gimmick infringement.

Match 3:- Benoit Vs One of those guys managed by the hot teacher lady.

This is where I introduce my first regular feature which I will only ever use once; Playing Super Monkey Ball Instead Of Recapping The Match.

So, I’m running down this really fucking narrow slope and struggling to keep the damn monkey on when ALL OF A SUDDEN I spot a gap in the runway!! Can I make it over? YES I CAN! But, my god, the jump has thrown me off! I am losing balance! The ball is teetering on the edge folks! Can I? Can I? Nooooo! The ball plummets to its death, and I am left feeling rather sad. Back to the match.

Basically, this match was boring; That one of those guys managed by the hot teacher lady has a gimmick in which he is managed by a hot teacher lady. POOR. New gimmick needed. How about… erm… a man who thinks he is a unicorn! He could be called Rainbow and pushed to win the title. His T-Shirt could read, ‘I Have The Horn’. I’d buy it.

Benoit makes him tap.

Winner:- Chris Benoit.

Warning! If you actually like Wrestling, do not read the next four paragraphs. They shatter illusions.

Now we have to put up with the WWE ‘bigging’ up The Boogeyman like he is awesome and they didn’t just fire his ass. Guy sucks. Lets move on.

Now we have to put up with The Boogeyman actually wrestling. For FUCKS sake. Oh yeah, Match Four, and all that shit. He beats some jobber called TJ Dalton with a choke bomb, and the world rejoices that it is over. This guy is the pants, I’m telling you. I mean, I was playing Smackdown Vs Raw 2007 earlier, and for fun I opted for The Boogeyman. THE GUY HAD TWO FUCKING MOVES IN HIS ARSENAL. AND NEITHER OF THEM INVOLVED WORMS. I e-mailed THQ about the glitch in their game, but they said they refused to up his move list to three, because they had never seen The Boogeyman do a clothesline. Fair point.

Now, he does the old ‘worms’ stuff. You know what would make this skit even funnier? BIG DICK JOHNSON! YEAH! They’d be rocking in the aisles, as he was cocking in the ring. And when I say rocking, I mean cutting their wrists with a shard of glass from the beer bottle that some guy just broke over his own head to end the misery.

Backstage skit… oh no. Oh no. It looks like Kristal is persuading The Miz to wrestle Boogeyman next week. Oh no. Somebody, cover for me. Please GOD cover for me! No takers. Not a one. You see that, VINCE!? You are ruining the lives of us recappers!

Vince:- So, which variety of Internet wrestling fans can we harm this week?
Exacutive:- How about the recappers, sir.
Vince:- But we hit them last week.
Exec. Indeed.
Vince:- And the week before.
Exec. Yes.
Vince:- And, at the expense of our ratings, for the last three years, if memory serves.
Exec:- Yes! And that’s the beauty of it… after three years of being bombarded with shite, the last thing they will expect is for us to go down that path again!
Vince:-… I love it. Kill the bastards.

Dear lord.

AND NOW FOR OUR MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING! Thank God it’s nearly over.

Match Five:- Batista Vs Finlay.

I enjoyed this match, but I am a Finlay mark so that was to be expected. Batista started the match strong, but lost his niche when The Little Bastard interfered. Now, I was very dubious about Little Bastard when I heard that the WWE were planning on introducing a leprechaun to work with Finlay. But goddamit, they have really made it work, what with the interference, Finlay’s selling of the guy and JBL’s commentary. Hats off to them.
Batista and Finlay did a good job of the ring psychology here, with Finlay attacking the knee and Batista actually fucking selling it, but then King Booker did the inevitable run-in, Finlay and Booker collided and Batista picked up the pin after a strong looking spine buster. The best thing here was that Batista continued to sell the knee after the match. Are the Dub going somewhere with this? Probably not. But it was nice to see. Something else that was nice to see was the true Face/Heel dynamic here, with both of the superstars being really over in their respective roles.

Winner:- Batista

Good match, good ending to what I would class as a mostly predictable, boring and at times painful show. Yes, I’m looking at you, Boogey. NO NOT YOU DISCO INFERNO, SIT THE HELL DOWN. Damn that Disco, always sat in the cheap seats.

Let’s polish this off with the stuff that I would keep in the Swagbag, and the things I would condemn to the Dungeon.

Stored In The Swagbag:- The Hardy match, because I love the finish, and it was a dynamic showing. Honourable props to the main event.

Condemned To The Dungeon: The revelation that next week, I have to sit through The Boogeyman and Miz. I would rather gargle the contents of my Gran’s colostomy bag.

Now hit my music! Wait… who? The Gersh? Oh for fucks sake… erm… Alright, I got one.

You may now leave The Dungeon.

Was that good? Stop shaking your head, bitch. God, I hope Joe gets back soon.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (11/17/06)
I woke up this morning with a horrible, terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach; similar to a cramp, but unlike a cramp, whatever direction I flexed in, it felt exactly the same. No better, no worse, just horrible.
Throughout the day, this feeling stayed with me. No matter how frequently I used the facilities, no matter how many pills I consumed. That feeling, that terrible, terrible feeling, And it was getting stronger! Like a child that was so premature that the father had yet to pull his pants on and run for the hills before the mother was cutting the umbilical.
For a long time, I couldn’t put my finger on what the feeling was. But now I know. Oh yes, my friends, now I know what this damn feeling is, and YOU are to blame, you selfish bastard. You, the people who can’t be bothered to sit down in front of the damn TV and watch the fucking show. You, the readers who come to this site expecting a good laugh at the expense of the WWE. You, you selfish, heartless cunt.

There, I said it.

This feeling of impending doom is my body NOT BEING ABLE to handle the fact that I have to sit through The Fucking Boogeyman Vs The Fucking Miz tonight. FOR YOUR SINS. Jesus died on the cross for you, and now this. You just don’t stop, do you?

Plus, I’m having to write this at my girlfriends house, because my damn space bar has stopped working all together. So she’ll be asking stupid questions like, ‘which one is Stone Cool?’ and, ‘You do know this is fake, right?’

So tonight, excuse me if my heart isn’t fully in it. Tonight, I’ll steal a queue from Sean and half ass it. And as Sean’s half-assing still comes out smelling of roses surrounding a well kept vagina, my half assing will be worth, like, half of Sean’s half assing. Do the math. You are getting a quarter of Sean’s ass tonight. You can all blame Joe.

Let’s get this show off the road. ON. I meant on. Really.

So, we are starting out with… with The Fucking Miz and Kristal in the ring. And if you strain and listen very carefully, you can hear a couple of million TV remote controls clicking, You hear that? This show has been on the air for five minutes and it’s died on it’s ass like Corporal Kirschner.

Corporal:- …but I’m not dead…

Whatever. So, out comes The Fucking Boogeyman. Kristal looks scared; I surmise that it is because she is Pro Life, and the thing that is about to take place in the ring will go against all of her moral standpoints.

Match 1:- The Fucking Boogeyman vs. The Fucking Miz and… erm… Kristal, Fucking.

Thank GOD they kept this pile of shit short. A brief brawl to start us off which actually looked more like two men, with no limbs, who were both also blind, deaf and dumb, making love to a dead fish. In the mouth. Just picture that for a second… you got it? THAT IS YOUR PUNISHMENT FOR MAKING ME WATCH THIS BULLSHIT. So, The Miz bails, Kristal inevitably tries to attack The Boogey, and the Boogey throws her off and dangles his worm in her mouth. That reminds me of the time that I saw The Boogeyman in a club.

Boogey:- (To Slutty Woman) Hey, are you gonna drink that?
Woman:- What, this drink that I left on the side whilst I went to the toilet?
Boogey:- Yes.
Woman:- This drink with the strange powdery white substance that seems to be dissolving in it?
Boogey:- Yes, yes, that one.
Woman:- You mean this drink with a packet of tablets labelled Roofies lying next to it, and a bi…

It really doesn’t matter how he gets you, but when he does, he doesn’t leave without cumming.

Anyways, despite the fact that this is a HANDICAP match, and despite the fact that The Boogeyman could win the damn thing then and there, he bails, and the match is, I think, ruled to be a no contest. You what now?? This kinda reminds me of the gimmick Kamala had where he would try to pin people who were lying on their stomachs and stuff. Only that was kinda goofy and funny, and this just stank of retard. The WWE has screwed the pooch again. No wonder The King sees puppies everywhere he looks.

Winner:- Who the fuck knows.

Thank God for small mercies, we are backstage with Sharmell, the face that launched a thousand dredgers, and King Booker. Finlay approaches, and there is some discussion about strategy for the match later, with Finlay looking increasingly more and more wound up, and Booker playing ‘Cocky Mother Fucker’ to a science.

Booker says he will take care of Batista. Okay, maybe I made that up. What? Wait, he really said that? God DAMN, I am really bad at this Generic TWF Recapping talk. Maybe if I added some Alarm words and became black or some shit…

And now we get a lovely little package with Rey Mysterio in hospital, with a bit of surgery footage. Oh, and did I mention, Rey has his mask on the whole time.

Let me repeat that for you.

In the operating theatre, receiving surgery, REY HAD HIS MASK ON THE WHOLE TIME. Goddamn, Rey, you must have become quite attached to that thing. You know, despite the fact that you spent three years in WCW not wearing it. It isn’t significant, folks! It just looks retarded. You can just picture the pillow talk.

Wife:- Rey, could you take the mask off just for tonight?
Partner:- Rrrrmmmmm.
Wife:- Rey, I don’t feel so good. I’m all weak and dizzy. Almost drugg,,,ugggh.
Partner:- Yyyyhhhhmmm.
Wife:- Rey, have you grown.. you seem taller… please take the mas…
Boogey:- Just SHUT UP, BITCH! Clit… I’m comin’ ta get yoooo!

Hmmm. This half assing shit sure is fun.

Match 2:- Chris Benoit Vs, Tatanka w. child. See, I CAN think of them if I try hard enough.

You see, I could appreciate this match a little more if it was almost anybody but Tatanka, Seriously, Benoit carries Tatanka to a decent match here, but does anybody give a shit about Tatanka’s heel turn? Or the man in general? So he doesn’t use a white stripe under his eye now; whoa! It’s not quite a heel turn of Paul Orndorff proportions is it? Although that is probably a bad turn of phrase; if the match was of Paul Orndorff proportions, one might say he was coming up a little short. HA! He’s pretty ‘armless. HAAA!
Oh, screw you guys.

So, Tatanka takes control early on, which basically means it’s a Steak House match. Chop after chop after fucking chop. But Benoit, God bless him, puts Tatanka in the Sharpshooter, and that’s all she wrote. Chavo then does the obligatory run in with a chair, and obliterates Benoit’s knee with a chair, a la the Rey angle. I have a good idea, let’s stretch Eddie’s death even further, just to see how long we can keep raping a rotten corpse before it crumbles into dust, shall we?

Winner:- Chris Benoit

(Note:- It was at this point that Steph’s stupid wireless keyboard decided that actually WORKING was too stressful for it, and went into shut down mode. Apparently, God hates Smackdown too. Might still be bitter at Vince for firing his ass after that no-show. So, if things are a little bit messy from here on in… suck my balls.)

And so! I valiantly battle on for you, my fans. What? No, I’m not bloody Joe Merrick! Do I look to be sitting on my FAT ASS doing FUCK ALL whilst someone else struggles through this shit?

Speaking of shit, here are Teddy Long and MVP. The usual crap.

MVP:- I’m so hard done by.
Teddy:- I feel you, playa’.
MVP:- So you’ll let me out of the match?
Teddy:- No.

SWERVE! One-nil. He really got you there, my son. Oh yes, that egg is most definitely on your face. Jesus Christ.

Time for Mr Kennedy to save a dying show again, then. This guy is going to ne as good as Foley or The Rock on the mic, when the Dub give him a storyline he can really dig his teeth into. Not detracting from this Undertaker feud of course; its been built bloody well. But take Kennedy away, and this is a by-the-books typical deadman feud.
Kennedy is given some hefty mic time here, and pulls it off with charisma to spare. It’s the usual, ‘Savour of Wrestling’, and ‘Ending the Dead Man’s legacy’ stuff, but hearing it from a guy that most people care about is a breath of fresh air. Here’s looking at you Randy.

More Teddy! I mean, it’s not that I aint down with a dogg. Hell, I sleep with one most nights. (And God willing she isn’t reading over my shoulder) But I really don’t CARE about this man. Kane does his, ‘I’m a MONSTER stare.’ Well, it’s all fun and games until somebody gets raped, Kane. Especially if that somebody is dead. You sick, sick freak. Even Hollywood should have turned you away at the door.

Match 3:- Regal vs. London.

NOW we are talking. This match was tremendous, if shorter than it should have been. I’m telling you, Regal ups his game when he’s at home. He looked stiff, he looked dangerous, he looked nasty. And what better foil than somebody who can bump like a dodgem, Paul London. The ring psychology, too, was brilliant, with Paul London being distracted after injuring Ashley when Regal threw him over the ropes. From there on in it was elementary. Regal finished the match with a big ass knee lift which looked more painful than when Jake used it as a finisher back in the day. Seriously, Ashleigh looked like she was killed, London looked like he had his face rearranged, and Regal looked like a no nonsense hard bastard. The crowd lapped it up. Kendrick then ran out to check on his partners, which made it even better, Good booking. Wow, did I just say that? It sounds so… so alien!

Winner:- Regal.

Awww, we have what could potentially be a heart warming tale of two friends here; one the boss, the other one of his favourite work-hands, parting ways after good times and much blood sweat and tears together.

Nope, just a bunch of homoerotic dross. Let’s call this ‘Spotback Mountain’, in homage to Lashley’s favourite method of muscle gain. Clue; it aint no push ups.

So let me get this straight. ONCE AGAIN Teddy Long is letting his finest talent just pick up and go? Man, is this guy the WORST General Manager in the history of time. Why don’t you let Undertaker take a nice little trip to Raw whilst you are there, Teddy? And hey, sign the Basham Brothers. Twat.

The truth behind this story is that Lashley really wanted to move brands because he felt that with the new writers on Smackdown, he was getting buried deeper than Corporal Kirschner.

Corporal:- Seriously, dude, I’m not dead.

Yeah, sure. Next, we have a street fight.

Match 4:- Kane Vs MVP.

Jesus, is this show dragging. I think I’ll do what the booker’s of this match did and start taking shortcuts…

Gd mtch. Hrd Httng.

Meh… maybe too much. There was a cool segment here where Kane punched his way out of a telephone box. He then shoved MVP into said box and knocked it over. Hey, MVP, he’s BROKEN the glass for you already, man! The hard work is done! Just… you know... reach through! Dumb ass.
Kane basically kicked ass until Kennedy made a run-in. This led to Kane eating the steps, and MVP picking up a tainted victory. Then, as if by magic, the Deadman appears, and Kennedy and MVP scatter. Then that sneaky Kennedy… gets his only allies ass kicked by pushing him back into the ring for a double chokeslam. You know, sometimes I think the last two Matrix films made more sense than the booking in Wrestling.

Morpheus:- Neo, you are the last hope for Mankind. You are our last remaining thread of…
(Pushes him under a train) …ha ha, syk.

Then MVP bitches and moans about his face and oh god I am so rapidly losing interest in the show this week! Which leads us perfectly on to…

Match 5:- Matt Hardy Vs. Gregory Helms.

Is this a bad joke? Right, that’s it.


It’s called Reviewed by a Mark. Meet my little brother Tony. He’s 12. He’ll run you through the action.

Right its matt hardy who is so cool coz he loves his fans and that thing he dus with his fingers is way sweet and its Gregory helms who used to bee cool wen he was a superhero but now hes a baddie and he sucks. I hav a hurricane figure in my box and hes my champion and wen we had a royal rumble he eliminated my arn Anderson the one with the arms and legs that don’t bend. I don’t know who arn Anderson is but Kevin told me that he used to be in a stable with horses-men which is cool bcoz that’s where horses always are in the stable. He is my champion coz hes cool and he does this thing with his arm and wears a cape and he can fly and shoot lazer beems and junk. Mat beats him up but then he beats mat up but I have seen this match b4, last week an I no matt wins coz hes kool. Helms is a baddie and he misses his shiny witch so hardy with a twisty fate and 1 2 3 and its over and the world champ is hardy now int it?

Thank you, Tony. Could NOT have put it better myself.

Winner:- Matt Hardy.

So, MVP and Teddy Long walk into a room with a camera. MVP says, ‘I’m still the best’, and Teddy says, ‘Prove it in a cage match next week’. AHAAAA! AHAAAAAA! I don’t get it.
I WARNED MVP LAST WEEK. The list of things not to say completely ignored? I feel slighted.

Look, there was another segment too with Booker and Batista but it’s just the SAME OLD SHIT. Too many segments this week accomplishing not a lot. Booker, still funny. Batista, still crap.

Match Six:- Batista & Lashley vs. Finlay & Booker.

Meh, pretty good main event, seeing Lashley and Batista working as a pretty good team. Mostly because their arsenal is all but identical. Eventually Booker and Finlay work on Lashley, but he eventually gets the hot tag. AGAIN, Batista is on FIRE tonight! The crowd are into him… I thought us English are famed for refined taste, but there you go. Batista hits a spinebuster and it is all over but the crying. And let me just say, that was the hardest slog. That whole event was a mission for me. Bloody hell, I have had more enjoyable prostate exams from that nurse with the long nails.

Stored In The Swagbag:- Regal and London put on a bloody good showing. Again, props to the main event. They always manage something semi-decent.

Banished To The Dungeon:- Boogeyman. Seriously, they are just going to put Saddam Hussain in a room with THAT match on in a loop and watch him go mental like the scene from A Clockwork Orange.

Right, that’s me done. I’m gone.

Oh, and RIP Corporal Kirschner.

Corporal:- …I’m gon’ kick your ass.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (11/24/06)
I’m taking a page out of an old, and current, Smackdown recapper’s book tonight. I have invited a guest recapper to give me a little bit of a hand. So let us all give a warm welcome to the man, the myth, Joe FUCKING Merrick!

Whadd’ya gotta say Joe?

Joe:- …..

…you see, this is the problem.


Joe? JOE!


…lazy ass bastard.

Well, looks like I’m stuck with this shit again tonight. It’ll be a bit rushed, I have some MAJOR assessments tomorrow. On a fucking SATURDAY. The life of a Drama student for you. But FEAR NOT constant reader, this will be filled with the usual bitter sarcasm, obscure scenarios, and boastful arrogance. I’m too much of an asshole to use self-depricating humour, you see.

So let us begin on our path to the end of the show. It’s like Buddha’s path to Righteousness, only a lot more boring than sitting under a tree for like a decade not saying a word whilst red ants chew on your slowly burning carcass and hot chicks walk past saying, ‘what a dork… I mean, he has sunburn on his bald spot, he likes Wrestling. And he wears his girlfriends knickers to Uni…’ WELL THEY ARE SOFT, OKAY? SHE USES FABRIC SOFTENER AND IT FEELS SO GOOD ON THE SCROT……

…can I start this rant again?

Match 1:- MVP Vs. Kane:- Steel Cage Match.

So let me get this straight. Kane has been buried in story after crappy story about raping Lita, raping corpses, fighting himself and so on and so on. MVP has won one match cleanly since he arrived in the Dub, and that was against a guy who aspires to be The Brooklyn Brawler. So why the hell should anybody really give a crap? BAD booking for the new guy.

Story of this match is that Kane still owns MVP’s ass, and the people still don’t give a shit enough to even get a Power Ranger chant going. Kane goozles MVP and goes to the top rope, but LO AND BEHOLD, he finds himself straddling the top rope! This gives MVP a chance to escape the cage, and return to his locker room to find out what hell Teddy Long will put him through next week.

Sore:- A Screenplay by Anvil’s Swagbag.

(MVP walks into a locker room. He is spent; think Rocky after the fight with Mr T. He sits down on a bench, his towel around his neck, and surveys the locker room… his eyes find a mini tape recorder…)
MVP:- Oh, fucking hell, not again!
(MVP picks up the tape player and, clearly shaken, presses play)
Recorder:- ‘(gravelly voice) Hello, MVP. So far, you have lived out your stint in the WWE as a man who claims to be the most valuable player. Well, playa, we shall now find out if this is true. A key has been placed in between your left and right testicle. Yes, on the inside. If you can obtain the key, there is a contract to join Raw in the safe to your right. If you do not, you will be stuck here, on Smackdown, in wrestling purgatory, doing naff blade jobs and picking up tainted victories over lifelong mid-carders in stupidly stiff matches. Let the game begin, holla, holla holla’.


(Bloody key in hand, shaking terribly, MVP opens the safe. Close up on his face)
MVP:- No….. no…… NOOOOOOO!
(Close up on the contract, which reads, ‘If one MVP can win the following matches, he may switch to Raw.
The Great Khali in a Top Rope Piledriver To The Concrete match.Brian Pillman in a Who Can Hold Their Breath Longest match.Stone Cold in a Gun On A Pole Match. …Syk. Holla.)

FUCK me.

NOW we have something!

Match 2:- Helms Vs Hardy.

Wait… since when did Hardy have such narrow eyes? HOLD ON A MINUTE THAT’S NOT HARDY!
So, we have one bad ass match here, as you would expect. Pretty even, with Har… ermmmm…. Wang Yang hitting a sweet moonsault to the outside, a jawbreaker with the knee by Helms to Har… errrrrrrr… Wang Yang, and a clean victory for Helms, just because the LAST thing we want to see is a talented new superstar like Har… emmmmm…. Wang Yang win.

Winner:- NOT Har…. Ermmmmm… Wang Yang. Have I run this joke into the ground enough for you yet? NO.

Har…. Ermmmmm… Wang Yang.

Har…. Ermmmmm… Wang Yang.

Har…. Ermmmmm… Wang Yang.

I just write this shit, you’re the twat who reads it.

Backstage with that one who was married to that wrestler who died I forget his name when I don’t hear it in 26 minutes of Smackdown. She shouts at Benoit, which is fair, because people with rapidly receeding hairlines piss me off too. Something about whatshisnames estate. Then she goes to slap Chris, but he catches her hand. Shame. One of my favourite moments in Wrestling ever is when Stephanie McMahon slapped Angle, and Benoit nearly pissed himself, so she slapped him too. His reaction was absolutely priceless. Seriously.

Off to MVP’s room, where Kennedy comes in and apologises for throwing him to the wolves last week. The conversation did not go like this.

Kennedy:- Man, I said I’m sorry.
MVP:- Ohhhh, well it’s alright then! Look, all my bruises are suddenly fading.
Kennedy:- Well that’s a great attitude.
MVP:- Well, it’s NOT cool, man. It’s NOT cool.
Kennedy:- Is there anything I can do?
MVP:- ….. I can’t even look at you right now!
(Runs out crying).

That was actually a manuscript from the Hardy reunion at ECW. Seriously. Bacon told me.

Kennedy then says he is going to the ring to give ‘Taker thanks. HA! That’s funny because it’s Thanksgivi… wait a minute, say WHA’?

Kennedy;- Thank-you, Taker, for not burying me and killing my career as of yet. I’d also like to thank The Rock for writing my material.

Ah, I kid. Kennedy rules.

Booker and Sharmell, the face that killed a thousand albatrosses, are backstage, Teddy Long, blah blah, it’s the usual bollocks. Booker wants Teddy to sign something to say trhat if Batista loses, he never gets another shot at the title. What, why did they not put a Spoiler before that??


Booker calls the contract a scroll, which makes me wee a little.
Teddy says that he does NOT take orders from Booker, then agrees that this is the last chance for Batista. WAY TO SHOW HIM, TEDDY! YOU DA MAN WITH POWER!

Hey, this show has been alright so far… maybe my luck is in tonight!. Speaking of luck…

Match 3:- Regal Vs. Kendrick.

YES! YES! YES! God didn’t no-show tonight, folks.
Similar match to the London one, which is not a complaint. I LIKE the dominant Regal. And whatever that new Regal knee finish is, it looks like it turned Kendrick’s brain to shit. Not that I ever do a blow-to-blow, but I seriously got way too involved in this match to give you any real analogy other than Regal is looking crisp right now, in no small part due to the choices of his opponents.

Out comes Kennedy… and wow, if every week was like this one, I would, you know, actually start putting a little bit of effort into these things. What do you think, Joe?


Kennedy basically praises himself for the next five minutes, which is fine by me. Better than Boogeyman. Then Taker appears, and Kennedy runs. Taker then TALKS AND HIS VOICE FILLS THE ARENA (no small hidden mikes were used in the making of this promo except for one.) And then blood rains down on Kennedy. Now, some people have a theory that when it rains, God is taking a piss. Well, I’m sorry to say it, but if that theory holds true, God is dying. Look at Kennedy. God has cancer. He should have checked more regularly; being omnipresent clearly has gone to his head.

Match Four:- Finlay Vs Benoit

Okay, now this show RULES. I love this week’s Smackdown more than I love taffey. And I’m a man who LOVES his taffey.




Oh….. Oh……


Basically, this match is exactly what you would expect from these two, and with the chemistry that these two have, you could mistake this for a high profile PPV match. The conclusion is… meh, it advances the storyline… Chavo comes down after Benoit hits the head-butt, and Finlay picks up a tainted win after a shillelagh and a Celtic Cross. I’d have liked to have seen a clean victory, but this did serve a purpose, and you can’t have everything…
Chavo hits Benoit with the frog-splash twice, and I start thinking clearer. The match these two have could be good! Of course, the whole thingummyjig business drags it down a level or two, but it could be worse. The Great Khali could be battling Mark Henry for Guerreros honour. Eugh.


Match Five:- Boogeyman Vs Miz.

Regular Feature Which I Will Only Use Once time. This is poetry corner.

Boogeyman is looking for worms,
In the garden on the hunt,
But I don’t care what you say,
He is still a lousy…

The Miz is shouting Hoo-Rah!
Turn on the TV, have a look!
And notice the crowd’s reaction,
They couldn’t give a…
…dollar to a homeless guy earlier. Assholes.

Joe Merrick, where have you gone?
I die inside here bit by bit,
Writing reports for you,
You lazy, worthless…

Hey, you know my moral. Why sugar-coat it!?

Right. I’m gonna cut Joe some slack for a while now. Sooooo…. Erm… where the fuck did Gonzo ever get to?

So, No Contest again! The Miz leaves, the ref eats worms, and everybody feels their soul shrink just a little.

Right, I am going to type this contract signing segment up as quickly as possible to see if I can predict what is going to happen. I will then come back through in a second and put whether or not I was correct in brackets.

Booker talks about how great he is (Yup) Teddy signs the contract (yes) Batista signs the contract after a dramatic pause (spot on) The heel… I think… attacks. (Yes.)

Batista starts to mount a comeback so Booker uses a staff, and leaves Batista lying. WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH BATISTA HAVING TO HAVE PUBLIC CONTRACT SIGNINGS?? Jeez, Big Teest! Some people can only work under pressure, but it’s just a signature, dude. Practise it.

To be honest, I’m used to seeing a strong main event… this was a big of a letdown. I felt the show ended lower than it started, which is highly unusual for Smackdown.

Right, weekly round-up.

Stored In The Swagbag:- Some brilliant matches! Three matches that were of PPV standard, and one which wasn’t a bad showing to kick off the show. THIS is the Sports side of Sports Entertainment which is so often neglected.

Condemned To The Dungeon:- The Boogeyman and Miz. Is this a feud now? Because I don’t know what the Dub fans did to piss Vince off. Is it because Vince’s Ass isn’t in the Top Ten Watched videos on WWE.Com? Seriously, at least give ONE of their matches a finish! Good lord.

So, join me next week, where I shall NOT be taking any shots whatsoever at Joe. Seriously. Isn’t that right, Joe?


Oh, say no more, man. Say no more…


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).