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SMACKDOWN ARCHIVES MAY 2009

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (05/01/09) 

 
He's baaack! That's right, Shane Steele returns after a two week absence while away doing other things. My sincerest apologies for not telling anyone sooner. But enough excuses! Let's see some action (or lack thereof)!

Tonight, we'll witness an elimination fatal four way match between Kane, Chris Jericho, Rey Mysterio, and Jeff Hardy to determine the new #1 contender for the World Heavyweight Championship, as well as MVP with some woman from The View vs. Dolph Ziggler for the United States Championship.

Before that excitement, we go to human dictionary Chris Jericho, in the ring to throw more big words at us. He continues to do that while saying he'll take over Smackdown and win the match tonight. This draws out Edge, who kindly introduces us to Jericho...who all of us already knew. Edge immeadiately goes low by saying Jericho never beat John Cena, while Edge has done it multiple times, so he's not on his level. Edge continues to mock Jericho until CM Punk heads for the ring. Why? Uh, I gues s we have to find out. Punk introduces himself for the 0 who didn't no who he was (what's with the intros tonight?) and reminds Edge of the last time he cashed in Money in the Bank by showing the clip. Jericho quickly shuts Punk up and tells him to leave, but instead, somehow ends up leaving himself, presumably to grab his pocket thesaurus. Edge tries to take off too, but Punk blocks his way and says he has a non-title match against him tonight. Edge tries to blow it off as a warm-up match, b ut Punk threatens to cash in MitB if he wins.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Anyone remember Say It Isn't So? Yeah, neither do I.

John Morrison vs. Shelton Benjamin

Apparently, Morrison's powers as the Shaman of Sexy include the ability of suddenly turn face, as he gets huge cheers from the crowd. People getting over based on charisma and in-ring ability? Impossible!

Benjamin starts off with his usual flurry of punches and kicks, then tosses Morrison from the ring. Morrison, however, quickly gets back on his feet and hits a Thesz press upon enterig the ring, followed by a dropsault for 2. Shelton goes for a dragon whip, but it's more of a dragon whiff, as he misses, only to explode with a big boot. Shelton works a headlock, but Morrison escapes and hits a pair of kicks for 2. Shelton manages to rebound with a backbreaker, but Morrison comes back with a springboard kick, followed by the Moonlight Drive for the victory.

WINNER: John Morrison.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I wish my local Checkers was a Transformer.

To hype up Ziggler vs. MVP, we get several clips of not only the build-up to the match, but also MVP being mentioned on The View. How lame is it that MVP watches four women argue on television?

Jericho is in Teddy Long's office, yelling at the Mack Millitant about all the crap he's had to put up with tonight. Khali and Runjin enter, with Runjin saying Khali wants Jericho to quit whining. The fatal four way is next.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Star Wars is part of history. Hence why Vader is in a museum.

Rey Mysterio vs. Kane vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Chris Jericho

Kane starts things off by taking out everyone in the match, especially Jeff, who gets tossed out of the ring. Jericho eats big boot and Mysterio gets clotheslined in the corner. A side slam on Mysterio gets 2. Kane tosses Jericho out, then tosses Mysterio onto Jericho and Hardy as we go to the break.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Is MTV doing horrible rip offs of bad movies like Disaster Movie or actually working with the people who make them?

We return to Jeff dropkicking Kane as he tries to go for the clothesline of good intentions. Rey drops the dime on the fallen Kane for 2. Jericho quickly enters and hits a tiltawhirl backbreaker on Rey for 2. Hardy enters, but Jericho tries to go for the Walls of Jericho on him, only to have Kane attack. Jericho tries for the Walls on him, but Kane escapes. Mysterio sets Kane up for the 619, but as he runs back, Jericho takes him out of the ring. Hardy hits a Whisper in the Wind on Kane and follows it up wi th a Swanton bomb, but before he can cover, Jericho pulls him out of the ring and covers Kane to eliminate him. As is customary when he comes to a new brand, Kane grossly over-reacts and starts a rampage, which includes knocking over the steel steps and tossing chairs into the ring. Mysterio returns to hit a 619 on Jericho, but when he goes for the senton, Jericho whacks him with one of the chairs Kane threw in the ring, drawing the DQ as we got to COMMERCIALS.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Don't get smart with Amscott clerks.

We return to a Jeff-Rey staredown. Rey starts things off with a dropkick for 2. Rey goes for another, but he misses, allowing Jeff to hit a pair of crotch legdrops for 2. Several roll-throughs on a sunset flip attempt allow Rey to finally get in a pinning position for 2. Both men try for a crossbody and collide. Jeff is up first and tries a roll-up for 2. A reverse heel kick sends Rey into the corner, but he ducks the corner clothesline attempt. Following another series of roll-ups, Rey hits the 619, but Je ff counters the senton into a roll-up for the win.

WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: Jeff Hardy.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Wolverine uses his claws. He doesn't just shove people out of the way.

Jericho is in the back looking for Teddy long, but instead, he finds Maria waiting for Teddy to talk about her clothing line. Jericho speaks for the majority of the fans when he says he doesn't care about her clothing line and wishes WWE would stop hiring incompetent refs and worthless divas. How this does not get cheered is beyond me. Edge enters, causing Jericho to scurry away, and he too asks Maria where Teddy is. When she says she doesn't know, he leaves.

Cryme Tyme heads for the ring and in honor of being in New York on their first night on Smackdown they decide to...hold a Diva dance-off they call the Brooklyn Breakdown? Starting things off with a bang, I see. They bring out Layla, with her unattractive afro in full swing, and Eve, who's sucking up to the crowd by wearing a Yankees cap. Layla is the first to try to gyrate in a sexually attractive manner (read: dance), but the afro kinda ruins the whole thing. Did her hair straightener not get drafted to Sm ackdown? Eve goes next, then Layla again, then Eve again, then both of them at the same time. The crowd picks Eve as the winner and Layla, furious that she now has a dance contest loss on her record, attacks her. Cryme Tyme seperates them and Layla walks off.

MVP is backstage with Sherri Sheperd, who is wearing a rip-off of a 90's Ric Flair robe. Sherri asks MVP if he'd like to be on The View Monday and MVP happily accpets. I had no idea The View had such a strong appeal to the young black male demographic. Sherri insanely over-reacts to the match with Dolph, but MVP calms her down as they head for the ring.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: The Burger King and Spongebob. A match made in Hell.

Dolph Ziggler vs. United States Champion MVP W/ Sherri Sheperd (US Title match)

Following the lock-up, P shoves Dolph across the ring, but Dolph is quick to respond with punches and kicks. MVP counters with a series of armdrags until Dolph reverses one and tosses MVP out of the ring. He continues his beatdown there until he notices Sherri and tries to get her to shake his hand. MVP scares him off and he shares a moment with Sherri before walking into a headlock once he gets back in the ring. P escapes with an electric chair drop and follows up with an overhead throw. Ziggler quickly re sponds with a dropkick to P's knee. Sherri gets up on the apron to yell at Dolph and when he gets near, she slaps him. MVP attacks Dolph with clotheslines and follows with the Ballin' Elbow for 2. The Playmaker seals it.

WINNER AND STILL US CHAMPION: MVP.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Honestly, I hate Wolverine. He's such an 80's comic character.

Jericho, having finally found Teddy, is yelling at him while Long just takes it like a man. Morrison struts in, say's sup to Teddy, and tells Jericho he's a quitter. The two brawl before being seperated as Punk walks past.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT (Damn, that was quick!): McMuffins and baseball have nothing in common.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. CM Punk (Non-title Match)

Following the lock-up, Punk tries to go for the GTS, only to have Edge block it. So Punk just kicks Edge instead, with a dropkick getting 2. A knee lift also gets 2. Punk tries to go up top, but Edge attacks, only to get shoved away. Edge tries a second time and succeeds in toppling Punk, hitting a shoulderblock while he's in the corner. Edge hangs Punk up on the ropes and boots him off the apron as we got to COMMERCIALS.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I guess driving a Toyota makes he a traitor to the economy.

Edge is beating on Punk when we return, choking him in the ropes. A roll-up attempt gets 2. Punk bounces back with a kick to the face and several more kicks follow. Punk tries to go for the GTS, but because Edge is wriggling, he has to reverse it into a roll-up for 2. Edge hits a sudden facebuster for 2 and looks to hit the spear, but Punk blocks it with a kick and hits the knee to the face-bulldog combo for 2. Edge dodges the leaping clothesline attempt, but gets caught with a powerslam for 2. Punk tries t he GTS again, but Edge reverses it into the sharpshooter. Punk escapes by reaching the bottom rope and quickly scoops Edge up for the GTS and the win.

WINNER: CM Punk.

Punk grabs the briefcase and gets ready to cash in, but before the bell can be rung to start the match, Umaga runs in out of nowhere and kicks Punk in the face. A black hole slam follows as JR makes not-so-subtle TNA references. Edge grabs the briefcase and looks to hit Punk with it, but Jeff Hardy runs in, hitting a Twist of Fate and a Swanton bomb on Edge.

A pretty decent show. See what happens once you get rid of Triple H? I'm Shane Steele, saying "Could this be possible main event push for Morrison?".


Shane Steele is too tired to put anything in this spot. So NYAH!

SEND FEEDBACK TO SHANE STEELE

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).