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May 02, 2008
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Recap of last week where Taker was stripped of the World Heavyweight Championship because he used That Chokehold that's so illegal that in all of Taker's matches the referees were so appalled that he was actually daring to use it, they went into shock and just gave Taker the win. Or at least that's the best explanation I can bullshit up. I dunno, they haven't even tried to give us a better one. Anyway, GM Vickie Guerrero starts things off with an announcement - tonight there will be a tournament featuring f ormer or current US, ECW, and World Heavyweight Champions who will face off in singles matches, and the winner of each match will qualify to enter a battle royal that will decide who gets to lose to the Undertaker for the vacant World Heavyweight Championship at Judgment Day. And that won't just be Edge anyway, nope. Actually, it turns out it won't! Edge and Khali are apparently both not medically cleared to wrestle, so they are out of the tournament. Holy shit, this could actually be fresh, new, creative, exciting, and oh shit Batista's in the tournament. So are : The Big Show, John Morrison, FINLAY, CM Punk, Chavo Guerrero, Tommy Dreamer(~~!), MVP, Kane, and Matt Hardy. That's pretty neat, but uh, what the fuck was the point of stripping Taker of the title, just to give him a free shot at it again? Ah, well. Tournament's starting!
CM Punk vs United States Champion Matt Hardy
Wrong Hardy, goddamnit! CM Punk should be feuding with Jeff right now! Well, not RIGHT now, but soon. Those sixty days are almost up. Straight Edge vs straight edges! Y-..you know, for cutting lines of coke! Jesus Chr....I'll just do the match, got it. HUUUGE crowd support for Hardy who is looking to get back his win from Punk, who beat him in the King of the Ring tournament a few weeks ago. So this makes a little sense, but still. What the fuck is their problem, why would you put Punk, whose already b een bitched out all over ever since winning MITB, against one of the most over guys in the ever? If this isn't leading to a heel turn, then it's leading to a straight-edge Maven. Hardy controls early as Foley actually concentrates on calling the moves. Looks like Joey Styles might be getting some company in the wwe.com, um, "office". Punk controls for a bit before missing the Pepsi One and getting planted with an Electric Chair drop. Hardy goes for all of his signature moves and they back-and-forth it for a while, working great together. They each look to wrap it up but counter eachother's finishers until Hardy gets a quick surprise pin off of an armbreaker or something for the win.
Winner : Matt Hardy
Again, Punk isn't hurt too badly by this loss since it was a surprise pin, but regardless of how it happens, you can only lose so many consecutive matches before it really starts to do damage, especially when you're trying to look like a constant threat to World Champions. Hardy advances to the Battle Royal and looks at the World Heavyweight title in its display case at the top of the aisle as we go to commercials.
I learned how to tie up a shirt into a bag to put a snake in. Next time all I need is to fashion some fang-proof gloves out of my socks and I won't have to miss another week of school.
Back and MVP is gunnin' for the title. Foley says he's as bitter as a Pennsylvania Primary vote. After reading The Hardcore Diaries, I can't stand any more of Foley's sweeping generalization-style political commentary. Or another detailed story on a time he gave a stuffed animal to a burned up kid. Or another Foley story ever. Seriously, after reading that, the only thing that stuck with me was "I really didn't need to read that." Read it yourself, you'll see how much you shouldn't have. Anyway, MVP is taki ng on Finlay, who is out high-fiving dudes and cheering on his leprechaun to upbeat Irish tempo. Holy shit this is depressing. His character is an (Emerald peanut) shell of its former self. I'm still waiting for them to hook him up with a potato gun that's always out of ammo, just to make sure we get as much stupid bullshit in as possible.
Finlay w/ Hornswoggle vs MVP
We get Hornswoggle's bullshit out of the way early as he rolls tennis balls into the ring to distract MVP. Both men go at it wildly and viciously. They exchanged submission holds, sometimes reversing into pins or each guy having a hold locked in on the other simultaneously. That was pretty cool. Very back and forth match leads into a commercial.
Don't buy any of those "Mystery Flavor" Doritos. I got a bag, no shit, they were lemon flavored.
Back and MVP has been working over Finlay's arm, or as it's said in the wrestling commentating world of unnecessary prepositional phrases, the arm of Finlay. MVP with a big fucking BFB boot and they fight on the outside a few times, with minimal interference from Hornswoggle and everything! P continues to work on Finlay's arm, but Finlay targets MVP's leg and it gets all kinds of fucked up. Finlay scoop slams MVP and his leg landed on the middle rope, so Finlay smacks it into the canvas. Half Boston Cr ab now, or should I say Providence Crab? I don't even know what that means. Just pick your own shitty New England city and have fun with the joke. Long Trenton crab ensues until P gets out, only to get his leg scoop slammed on the ropes a second time. P then catches Finlay in a body scissors and works his arm as Finlay writhes in pain, all the while the announcers are trying to convince us Finlay is simultaneously working over MVP's leg while trapped, but yeah, he wasn't. P rolls around and puts Finlay thro ugh a variety of arm holds until Finlay writhes out and grabs a quick leg lock but P is all over the ropes. P whips Finlay into the corner but he stops himself and turns around just as P was charging and they collide heads. Finlay with a back suplex and gets the three...but it is announced that both men's shoulders were down, and so it's a draw.
Winner : Nobody
Replay shows that during the pin P's leg landed on Finlay, whose shoulders were indeed also down, but his back was arched way up and both his feet were on the ground, so yeah. Come the fuck on. It is unclear on who, if anybody, advances. Nevertheless, a decent match, tainted only extremely by the bullshit finish. Commercials.
Things have been awkward between me and my dad ever since I hit him in the face.
Kelly Kelly vs Natalya w/ Victoria
Natalya uses the Sharpshooter!
Winner : Natalya
I still think she's a tranny, though. Michelle McCool was watching the match in the back, some random dudes think Taker should still be champ, and more shit you don't care about lead us into the next set of commercials.
I wouldn't ever adopt any kids unless they had like a section where they kept the ones that are going to grow up to be successful.
Back and Vickie says both Finlay and MVP are in the Battle Royal tonight. Back to the ring for our next Championship Chase match, and by the way they're doing a good job of making this tournament seem like a big deal as far as the lighting and theatrics go. Mr Nohjo Rison is out first with Miz and I finally got my anagram for John Morrison right. Granted it still sucks, but at least it works. Halfway down the ramp, Morrison gives his shades to Miz and tells him something before continuing down the ramp as M iz looks pissed off before taking his leave. That part was pretty cool, I can't wait for Morrison to break out of his tag role. Again. Oh shit, his opponent's Batista. Whelp, guess that breakout's not happening tonight. Morrison is great staring down Batista with contempt which makes this feel like the huge match for him that this is.
WWE Tag Team Champion John Morrison vs Batista
Right on the bell Morrison just misses Batista's nose with a perfect kick. Batista laughs and receives a kick to the hamstring. He repeatedly tries to get close but Morrison keeps him back with more kicks before sliding out of the ring, only to roll back in when Batista follows. Punch to Batista on the apron, and back in, Morrison rolls out again and Batista follows, but Morrison jumps back up on the apron and jumps over the ropes, only to come back Breakin' On Through them with a kick that puts Batista dow n on the outside. Morrison comes back out to work on him, but Batista hits a couple clubs and rolls him back in the ring where he delivers some shoulder thrusts in the corner before Morrison regains the advantage with a dropkick that sends Batista out of the ring. Morrison quickly follows Teest out and runs his face right into the steel steps. With Batista groggy and Stoned Immaculate, Morrison then lays him on the apron and delivers a kick to his head. Batista chant starts as Morrison nails a shi ning wizard in the ring and I can't understand how anyone can cheer Batista over Morrison, mark or otherwise. Batista's the big loud laughing jock whose been world champion x times before and Morrison is the young exciting underdog determined to get his big break. What the fuck about that scenario would make you open your mouth and yell "Batista!" without adding a "sucks" after it? Morrison gets a couple two counts and locks in a long chinlock that Batista breaks, only for Morrison to come off the top with a modified missle dropkick direct to Batista's face. Two count and so Morrison continues to dominate with his old dancing leg drop, and by the way Foley is excellent on commentary, calling moves, putting over the guys' characters, and getting the story of the match across. Back to the chin lock which Batista breaks, setting up a couple scenes showing Morrison outmaneuver Batista's power with skill, with Batista barely getting in any offense whatsoever. After reversing a Bomb with a Rana, the Prince Shaman o f Sexy Wisdom or whatever the fuck puts down DUH ANIMOW with a clothesline. Morrison looks for his Moonlight Drive finisher, but Batista counters with a back body drop. Corner clothesline follows but Morrison blocks a second one. He goes for a springboard spinning kick but Batista puts him down with a lazy spear before picking him up and...hitting him with the Batista Bomb for the pin. What the fuck.
Winner : Batista
Fuck Batista. That was Morrison's match and Batista ends it with, what, two moves? Holy Jesus fuck Batista. I would absolutely recommend watching all but that last minute of this match, lest you get all kinds of pissed off. But enough about the Shaman's Blues, I hope this at least leads to a big push for Morrison, he looked better than great. Oh yeah, and uh, The End. There. That fits my own self-imposed quota of four Doors song references. Big Show is on his way to the ring. Commercials.
So I decided I'm going to make concrete.
Back and Big Show is out first, and his opponent is....oh, hell.
Big Show vs Tommy Dreamer
Tommy is out limping and wearing a cast. Hanging out with Colin Delaney certainly is not doing this guy any favors. He's also wearing sweatpants and a Judgment Day shirt as generic Alice in Chains blares through the speakers. Goddamn Tommy, get your shit together. I hear Target's a pretty hardcore place to work. Anyway, yeah.
Winner : Big Show
Commercials.
If you're trapped on an island, don't eat your toes, just make a fishing pole and use your toes as bait. ...I could so write for Dr. Steve Brule.
Back. Shit.
Chavo Guerrero w/ Bam Neely vs ECW Champion Kane
Kane wins again.
Winner : I don't feel like copying and pasting.
More commercials.
I love camping. I am all about pitching tents and rubbing wood until it explodes.
Vladmir Kozlov vs A Guy
Vlad wins again.
Winner : Still don't feel like it.
More commercials.
Don't judge. Making up ten or twelve of these little commercial filler bits every week is harder than you think. Mostly because you're cocky and not funny.
Battle Royal time! Man, Kane and Matt Hardy are some greedy motherfuckers. You each just won your first singles title in YEARS. Can't you just be content with occassionally defending it in quick undercard matches on pay per views?
Batista vs Matt Hardy vs Kane vs Big Show vs MVP vs Finlay, Over The Top Battle Royal
Finlay and MVP pick up where they left off earlier tonight as Big Show intercepts Hardy's charge towards P. Kane and Batista trade strikes as well and, yeah, you know how these always go for the first few minutes. Show almost eliminates Hardy, leading to Hardy, Finlay, and MVP all trying in vain to attack Big Show, who swats them all away. Is Big Show even officially part of any show's roster or, what the fuck? MVP rolls out of the ring, and if that's legal, why does anybody bother staying in there to wrestle? Just sit out and wait for the last guy. P apparently doesn't realize what an advantage this would be and so immediately reenters the ring. Anyway, things move slow for a while. Soon the match turns into a 5 on 1 Handicap against the Big Show, where things proceed to move very slow. They reinforce the fact that it is nearly impossible to eliminate Big Show, despite the fact that I don't think he's ever won any sort of Battle Royal ever. This is worse than when "that tough veteran" Hardcore Holly wre stles a young upstart rookie and loses in "a huge upset". Anyway, Big Show dominates everyone for a couple of minutes until we go to commercials with Big Show standing over everyone.
I feel I should resign my post here at TWF, and any one of these people should take my place. Or maybe all of them, do like a committee recap. Anyway, : http://malaysia.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080120053036AADmm0o
Back and everyone is still really hurt and things are still really slow. Man I hate battle royals. Hardy puts Finlay down with a Side Effect, but MVP just dumps Hardy over the top rope. BFB on Finlay but Big Show regains control against everyone and we're back in slowmo. Show hoists Finlay up but Batista hits a spear. Finlay then decides to actually, you know, do shit, so he goes and grabs his shilaylay and (shilay)lays into everyone. This leads to him getting kicked over the top by Kane and man I hope this match doesn't just go to Batista. MVP, good. Big Show, fine. Kane, not gonna win it but if he did, sure. But just don't let it be Batista. MVP went for the BFB on Batista in the corner but he moved and MVP went flying over the top rope. You know, just like he always does whenever that happens in regular matches~! Oh wait. Batista puts Kane down with a spear and Show clotheslines Kane out and goddamnit Batista's going to win it. Show laughs at Batista and shows off the fact that he's bigger and st ronger. You know, just like Batista did earlier with Morrison, but this time let's all boo! Batista gets dominated, again just like Batista-Morrison earlier. Batista however stuns Show with a drop toehold and goes for a Bomb but Show reverses it and carries Batista to the ropes in Alabama Slam position. Batista then of course headscissors Big Show over and out of the ring.
Winner : Batista
Suddenly Vickie comes wheeling down to the ring, accompanied by her indentured, um, slave, Teddy Long. I can almost see him in a straw hat, bare feet, and overalls with one strap. Vickie announces that Edge has JUST NOW been medically cleared to wrestle, and so the Battle Royal is not yet over. Oh thank God~! ...Wait. Edge has wrestled Taker almost as much as Batista has. Shit, you know what, just do whatever, I don't care. That's what I get for expecting something new. Well actually I was pessimistic and expecting Batista to win the whole time, but still. Anyway, Edge hilariously charges to the ring and spears Batista off the apron as he was attempting to drag himself to his feet.
Winner : Edge
Edge with an ecstatic celebration at getting to face Undertaker for the title. Again. So what the fuck was the point of this entire tournament? Vickie can make whatever matches she wants. Couldn't she have just made Edge-Taker III without all this getting naive people's hopes up? But where's the fun in that, I suppose. As Edge was going up the ramp, the pedestal holding the World Heavyweight Championship is struck by lightning and catches fire. And somehow remains standing, despite it being a wooden pedesta l. Taker's gong dongs and Edge runs away. Yeah. That was the most pointless two hours I've spent doing something since I read Foley's last book. END SHOW.
Sure : The Batista/John Morrison match. Morrison was great as always and I cannot wait for him to get back in the main event. Preferably not on ECW again, but you know. Finlay-MVP and Hardy-Punk were okay as well.
Nope : The entire pointless tournament. Sure some of the matches were good but it was still pointless as all hell.
Remember dflsdjl;fd? : lsdkjflmeurfolstunrmldfcnwpormdx2mc;m;x.
CPT = Colored People Time. For example,
"What time did you tell Jamal the party starts?"
"7:00"
"So Jamal's on CPT, that means we ain't having ice till at least 8:30!"
"Nigga I been waitin' for you!"
Back and CM Punk is out to take on Chuck Palumbo, here on ECW! Palumbo gets his usual silent
ovation as the big greasy machine rides down to the ring on his motorcycle.
CM Punk vs Chuck Palumbo
Yeah, if Punk loses to Chuck Palumbo for a second time here, his cred is fucking shot. Not that
it isn't already, but you know. He's going to have to absolutely dominate Chuck tonight, and then pin him, and then lay him
outside the ring and cut him in half with Palumbo's own motorcycle. Punk starts off on his quest to do this by getting all
kinds of fucked up in the corner by Palumbo. He eventually breaks free and gets Palumbo in the corner before going Spike Dudley
on him, wildly throwing weak punches. Pun k backs off and Palumbo gets thrown over the top rope to the outside where Punk
hits a suicide dive through the ropes. Back in the ring, Palumbo gets to no-selling that shit right away by throwing Punk
all around before missing that big elbow drop that he always misses always. Punk with a series of kicks and the Pepsi One
bulldog gets two like it always does always. Springboard clothesline gets two and a regular clothesline by Palumbo follows
suit. Or number, I should say. Okay. GTS fucks up, as does a flyi ng crossbody, and Punk is planted with a fallaway slam.
FULL THROTTLE is countered and Punk PHTSFTW.
Winner : CM Punk, fucking finally
Yeah. Somehow, I don't know if having a hard time beating Chuck Palumbo is going to restore a
whole lot of that lost credibility from this past Tuesday in time for Punk's match this Sunday, but I mean, at least Punk
didn't lose to him again. That shit was ridiculous.
In the back now that evil heel Vickie is complaining about having to wrestle Taker. Let us all
boo her despite her being a woman, not a wrestler, and in a wheelchair which, in fact, is because of The Undertaker. She deserves
everything she gets! Somehow, probably. MVP interrupts to axe her a queshun. He wants to know if that Championship Chase Charade
was completely BS, or just mostly. Good queshun! Finlay is in now to back him up, and Big Show follows. Show says that he
was all set to face the Undertaker b efore Edge pulled that little scam. You know, despite the fact that Big Show cleanly
lost the Battle Royal to Batista before Edge ever even came out. She wants all three of them to beat the hell out of eachother,
so she tells MVP to find a partner to face Show and Finlay later. Because just going ahead and making a triple threat match
isn't convulted enough, I suppose. After they leave, Chavo realizes he got fucked over last week too and bitches about it
before Vickie tells him to shut up and form a plan fo r tonight, so Chavo says "okay" and they go back to plotting. Good move,
Chavo is always even less over as a face than he is when he's a heel. Except for those few weeks after Eddie died, of course.
If you just started watching wrestling than, you'd wonder why that little boring balding Mexican guy was on tv, let alone
winning matches. Kind of like how people who didn't start watching wrestling then do now. Oh well, commercials.
Moss only grows on the north side of logs.
Back.
Michelle McCool vs Layla
Michelle was wor-king Layla's knee...Laaaaaylaaah.
Winner : Michelle McCool
Like from Layla, by Eric Clapton, yeah you get it. Commercials.
When I get old, I'm going to steal. A lot.
Back from the break, we learn to things from Mick Foley. One, Foley's kids read and enjoy WWE
Magazine, and two, Foley is a big fucking liar.
Batista comes out and talks about Shawn Michaels on Raw this past Monday admitting he faked his
injury in his Backlash match with Batista. Batista says the next time he sees Michaels, he's going to be hurt for realz, and
since neither of them, conveniently, have anything going on at Judgment Day, he'll see him there. Well allrighty then. Commercials!
Sun Drop is an anagram for Sud Porn. This is what I think about when I'm
in my room staring at the wall on Saturday afternoons. Somebody buy me some pot, please.
Back. Big Show and Finlay are out. Big Show is over as a motherfucker tonight. Thank God he doesn't
do that faggoty sticking his tongue out and laughing babyface bullshit like he used to do. Finlay, however, is stuck in his
own tongue-sticking rut, and he's out with his leprechaun giving thumbs up and high-fives to random front row tools. MVP is
out before introducing his partner Mark Henry, whom he persuaded to team with him after much quoting of Malcom X's lectures
on the importance of black unity and, pe rhaps more importantly, copious amounts of greasy fried chicken.
Big Show & Finlay w/ Hornswoggle vs MVP & Mark Henry
MVP and Finlay pick up where they left off last week with technical wrestling stuff as Foley
puts over Finlay's family history of wrestling. Cole pipes in that the place where Finlay grew up in Northern Ireland was
also full of violence. I guess if Finlay spent a lot of time in churches maybe. Foley completely fucks this line of discussion
by complimenting Belfast's beautiful beaches and skyline. Jesus, Mick... Show gets the tag and P looks intimidated. He tries
for a punch, and since that doesn't lay out B ig Show like he was expecting it to, I guess, he quickly tags in Mark Henry.
They compare and compete with their fatness and slow moves until Big Show wins with a shoulder block. Apparently satisfied,
both MVP and Finlay tag back in and go back to it. Finlay goes up top but MVP charges and connects with a BFB in a cool spot.
Finlay falls to the outside but Henry rolls him right back in. P and H are stronger than acid here, doubleteaming Finlay with
basic moves. Chemistry jokes? You betcha. Finlay eventually tags in Show who dominates MVP. Henry is in but is sent right
back out as Finlay held down the ropes while Show sent Henry into them. MVP with a BFB attempt but Big Show stops that shit
with a chokeslam for the win.
Winner : Finlay & Big Show
Even Vickie's stretch pants and maternity shirts, despite her not being pregnant, look
tight on her. She's worse than the wannabe-MILFs with their daisy dukes busting at the seams in my neighborhood. I'd still
L to F them, though.
VLAAAAD THE FAAAAILUUUURE! Anyone else used to watch Battlebots? No? Oh. Well anyway, Vladmir
is up for his weekly two minutes in the spotlight. Literally. That's all he gets for an entrance. Even Colin Delaney has music,
and he just got his contract a week ago. Anyway, Vlad still somehow gets heat with a barrage of "USA!" chants. Foley jokes
that Kozlov is the World MAMBO champion. Instead of Sambo champion. Yeah. Foley makes my science jokes sound good. Well,
better at least.
Vladmir Kozlov vs Funaki
Hey, he gets to fight a contracted worker at least. He's worked his way up
past all the local indy guys to FUNAKI! Yeah. Kozlov wins. And his inverted DDT finisher is still shit.
Winner : Read, motherfucker.
After the match, Mick Foley sings that horrible old Lou Bega song to keep pushing his Mambo joke.
"A little bit of Kozlov in my life". I'm not saying I miss Coach, but damn. Commercials.
"I'll join the goddamn priesthood."
Back. Shit.
Cherry vs Maryse w/ Deuce & Domino
Man, Deuce and Domino are a couple of assholes. Thanks to them not getting over and thus being
forced to split to create some last-chance interest, we'll never again get to hear them exclaim "HEY, DAT'S MAH BABY SISTUH/GIRLFREN,
MAN!" I still love their gimmick. The theme music, the Wrong Side of the Tracks, all of it. Maryse, however, adds nothing
whatsoever to this, and so I guess I'll just have to go back to Norman Smiley as my favorite gimmicky gimmick of all time.Oh
yeah, highlights of the match includ e Foley singing some Twisted Sister and, well that's about it for highlights of the match.
Cherry wins with a bulldog after little else.
Winner : Cherry
Man, Foley singing that song reminded me of that horribly long, go nowhere story from The Hardcore
Diaries about him and Dee Snider hanging out with a cancer kid at a hockey game or whatever the fuck. And yes, I am still
pissed off at having wasted my time on reading such a shitty book, and will continue to run it down weekly in my column regardless
of how much I like Foley. Commercials.
What do I do for a living? I grow fucking bananas.
Back and they run down the Judgment Day card which, for the record, isn't
complete shit, but almost. But with One Night Stand and Night of Champions coming up, this is probably the last PPV for a
while that might not leave you completely pissed off, so you know. Whatever. They show US Champion Matt Hardy being all cool
and shit backstage talking with Kofi about his DVD and trying to get Eve to come by his room later in a red wig or something,
I don't know it was kind of mumbled. I don't think that was in th e script. At any rate, Shelton Benjamin comes up and the
two show everyone who ever doubted their talking skills why they are absolutely right. Shelton and Hardy attempt to make up
for their terrible mic skills after the break. Commercials.
COM - that's what I write in for the commercials while I'm doing the recap. I come back later
at the end and fill them all in with whatever. Since I couldn't think of anything to use this time, I just thought I'd give
you a glimpse in what goes into writing this. I hope this has been informative, and oh shit there's one more commercial break
to go. Let's hope what I come up with in the next ten seconds is hilarious.
Back, and apparently Shelton is shilling watches now. You'll never be like MVP, Shelton. For
one, you have goofy ass hair. For two, you don't have a dumbass body suit. Strike three is the fact that you used to hang
out with Charlie Haas. Even Kurt Angle had a hard time recovering from that stint.
United States Champion Matt Hardy vs Shelton Benjamin
Benjamin with all that technical bullshit, Hardy with his generic "unorthodox, high flying" orthodox
stuff. Nothig special until towards the end. After repeated pin attempts on one another, Hardy hits the Side Effect and gets
a nearfall, leading Shelton to hit his old Dragon Whip. T-Bone suplex attempt but Hardy hits the surpriseTwist of Fate for
the win.
Winner : Matt Hardy
I guess the surprise Twist of Fate match ender is Hardy's new thing. Kind of like the RKO used
to be before it got bitched out. But in Hardy's case, he's working backwards from that. Really short match, though not bad.
Commercials.
PUH PUH PUH PUH PENIS! ...Damn.
Back. Oh, Lord.
Chavo Guerrero, Bam Neely, Zack Ryder, Curt Hawkins, Vickie Guerrero, & Edge
vs Undertaker, Handicap Match
As they were making their way to the ring, Chavo and BAM NEELY stopped and stood on the ramp.
Edge motioned for them to follow, but Chavo and Bam just turn around and leave. Fuck it, I'm not rewriting that match title.
When they reach the ring, Vickie hilariously gets out of her chair and walks up the stairs. In the ring, she takes her seat
back in her wheelchair. Too late Vickie, Medicare already saw that shit. Your disability check is gone. The Edgeheads and
Edge stand in front of Vickie as Undertaker get s into the ring. He's staring down a guy he's beaten for the title, two guys
he beats down on a weekly basis, and a woman who he put into a wheelchair. Taker repeatedly puts down all the Edges and advances
towards Vickie, but the Edges come back and save her just in time. At one point Taker looked to just say fuck it and go for
That Chokehold on Edge anyway, but the Edgeheads pried Edge out of it. He says fuck it and just throws all three Edges from
the ring before turning back to Vickie again. Edgeheads ba ck in but they get double chokeslammed. Taker lifts Vickie up for
one, and why she didn't just run while Taker was distracted for all those minutes I don't know. I guess she's really intent
on proving her disability case to her HMO. Anyway, Edge saves Vickie with a spear, get Vickie back in her chair, and just
haul ass. What the fuck?
Winner : Taker I guess.
It ends with Vickie and the Edges staring Taker down from the ramp. So if Vickie just had to
go into the match, why didn't they all just leave as soon as the bell rang? Or all just beat Taker down with chairs and shit?
Or fucking anything else other than get tossed around by him before barely escaping? Fuck damn that was pointless. END SHOW.
Thumbs Up : Nothing. Nothing
was good tonight.
Middle Fingers Up : Everything. Everything
was bad tonight.
Remember "Thumb Man" or whatever by Shel Silverstein?
: Remember when wrestling used to have that "can't miss next week" feel? When you absolutely had to tune in to see
what happened, even if you were really busy or tired you would stay up and watch because damnit something was going to happen.
When if someone asked your three desert island tv stations, one of them would be whatever channel wrestling was on, even if
you didn't watch anything else on that channel? Yeah. It hasn't been like that for a long ti me. Tonight was a glaring example
of that. Forget next week's show, they didn't even make this Sunday's Pay Per View look good.
Tonight's commercial break topic is : Things I'll never do. I will never burn my old couch on my front lawn.
Back. Shit.
Deuce, Domino, & Maryse w/ New jackets with FLAMES vs Jesse, Festus, & Cherry
From the wrong side of the border vs From the other side of the century? Sure. Short match featuring Festus bullshit, greaser bullshit, and a little of Jesse's bullshit. That of course being getting in one or two basic wrestling moves before being absolutely dominated. Nothing very notable or watchable. Maryse botches taking a bulldog from Cherry. A bulldog. A bit later Maryse falls down after delivering a clumsy spinning kick. This wins the match, by the way.
Winner : DMD
Deuce and Domino looks like they've improved. They're still not fun to watch, but you know. No botches.
In the back now, Edge and Vickie are talking and this closeup on her cleavage is enough to make me change the channel. Sorry, I don't know what happened. Commercials.
I will never use hair conditioner until I find out what the fuck it does
MVP's a ticking gun as he enters his Lounge. He says he wants to give Teddy Long a chance to tell his side of the story as to why he quit last week and so T-Lo makes his entrance. He's looking better now that he's out of the Quarters and eating food other than gizzards, although you can still make out the ropeburn around his neck. MVP immediately decides he doesn't want to hear Long's side of the story anymore and instead brings up all the hell that Teddy put P through when he was new. CONTINUITY! Although I suppose it'd be pretty hard to just forget about someone who led to your being set on fire, but still. P speculates that Long was always jealous of him - of his clothes, money, long beautiful hair, and basic human rights. Long says fuck this, he's bouncing, but MVP yanks him by his tie and says he gon' sit hurr n' take dis till he be dismizzissed. Suddenly Batista's music hits and he's out looking like Billy Gunn rolled into Y.222J in a short biker vest and tight jeans. I know I'm not a girl or Billy Gunn but seriously, how the fuck is that attractive? Shit's about as bad as those old YJ Stinger commercials with Triple H getting fawned over by a bunch of models before clotheslining a swarm of bees, or however the fuck those went.
So Teest makes his way down and MVP's big ass bodyguard says "Go right on through" and removes the velvet rope for him. Useless motherfucker. You fucked up, P. You should have hired current gay bar bouncer Sylvan Grenier as your Lounge bouncer. He'd be all over or under Batista before he even got halfway to the ring. Anyway, Batista says he's just here to say goodbye to Teddy Long and they shake hands, playa. He then turns to MVP and threatens to shove his fist down P's throat if he touches Long again. That was kind of a stupid threat, but he said it angrily enough. Cue canned cheers! MVP stutters like a motherfucker here and spits out something about Batista's upcoming Stretcher Match before saying he doesn't appreciate Batista disaspectin' him. Batista responds by showing P what disrespect is, kicking over all his Lounge shit and punching holes through those Asian paper divider walls as Cole goes "WOAH!". If Cole thought that was impressive, I'd hate to see him try to tear out a check. P hauls ass up the ra mp as we go to commercials.
I will never shank a pregnant woman (regular women are okay)
In the back now Edge and Chavo are talking about The Undertaker. I guess one of them has a match with him tonight. I also guess that Chavo's been forgiven for his treachery last week. I guess that's what that last break was about. Oh well. Suddenly MVP barges in and starts yelling but Vickie is caught in the shot, and she's still wearing that low-cut shirt, so back to Scrubs. I'm really sorry about this.
When I return to the CW, Finlay and Chuck Palumbo are going at it. Yeah it's Chuck Palumbo, but at least it's new.
Chuck Palumbo vs Finlay
Finlay starts off by wrenching Palumbo's knee before hitting his ass slam to Chuck's leg as it lay on the bottom rope. Chuck however gains control and decides to target Finlay's leg with stomps and kicks before getting a one-count off a clothesline. Foley informs us that Chuck is known as KO Palumbo in biking circles before saying "And believe me, in biking circles you don't just give yourself a moniker, you have to earn it!" Foley really sounds like he knows what he's talking about. I believe him, too. Can 't you just see "Roadhouse Mick" riding down the highway on a chopper pulling shards of bottle glass and broken poolstick splinters out of his hair? I'm telling you, he's one rough customer (of Bob Evans' Early Bird Dinner Special). Anyway, Palumbo dominates for most of the match, and during a chin lock in which he was shouting stuff, he looked and sounded remarkably like a mini-but-still-huge Great Khali. However, after enduring devastating attacks from Hornswoggle that included, BUT CERTAINLY AREN'T LIMIT ED TO, being squirted with a water gun and getting sprayed with green Asian Irish mist (soap in his eyes~), Palumbo looked to be finished, and Finlay wrapped this up with a quick shilaylay shot for the pinfall.
Winner : Finlay
For all my uncalled-for jokes, Foley seriously is a very good announcer. They kept trying to get Chuck Palumbo over as a future World Title contender. The only problem I have with that is, they made it sound like he could be a possible NEAR future World Title contender. And I mean, right now, Smackdown's shitty enough, you know? In the back MVP's getting pumped since he's got a match with Batista next, apparently. Commercials.
I will never tolerate a mime.
Back and we're reminded that Batista beat Chris Jericho on Raw. Just to make sure everyone knows he's being buried, I guess.
MVP vs Batista
This was a lot like their previous encounters a couple months ago. All one billion of them. MVP did his stalling schtick, they brawled outside a lot, and we got to see the obligatory Big Fucking Boot from MVP. The main thing about this match was MVP injured Batista's arm which Batista was forced to overcome by doing all his power moves with just one arm. Yeah. They were pretty much exactly the same, except the one arm rope shake was pretty hilarious. Batista bomb for the win.
Commercials.
I will never go on vacation to Nebraska
Santino's feuding with Jimmy Kimmell, Vlad the Failure squashes Nunzio, and more shit you don't care about lead into the next set of commercials.
I will never go to Nebraska.
Back. EC-Dub time.
United States Champion Matt Hardy & Kofi Kingston vs Shelton Benjamin & Elijah Burke
The White & Black Attack vs Blacks Fallen Through The Crack? You betcha. We get a clip from ECW this past Tuesday showing Shelton finally ending Kofi's undefeated streak, which would be a pretty cool achievement if the law of averages didn't exist. Man Shelton's finisher is shit. Either that was a botched DDT, or his finishing move is pretty much that lame-ass women's bulldog where you shove the guy down with both your hands on his back that you never give your created wrestler on SDvsRaw because you do n't want him to look like a bitch. Kofi and Elijah start off and Kofi tags in Hardy to appease the chanting fans after getting the better of Burke with his aresenal of extremely unnecessary flippery. Hardy now working the arm but Burke backs him up with boxing blows, to which Hardy responds with one stiff cheap shot punch to the face. Made Matt look pretty cool. Another knocks Shelty off the apron but a Burke neckbreaker allows Benji to get the tag and initiate the extended heel doubleteaming that is a must in all WWE tag matches. Burke looks great while Benji doesn't really do shit. We get some bullshit story from Foley about his son stealing batteries out of a Christmas toy or whatever the fuck. Foley wins me back by making fun of his poor novel sales as Hardy gets a Side Effect before hottagging Kofi. Kofi with his ridiculous shit leads to the Jamaican Buzzsaw kick on Shelton Benjamin for the pinfall.
Winner : Matt Hardy & Kofi Kingston
Kofi really is kind of fun to watch. Hardy needs a feud quick to keep his US Champion momentum going. Elijah needs to be on tv more. Shelton needs to start actually doing shit again. Chavo vs Taker next. Commercials.
I will never kick Christ.
Back and we get the Raw Rebound showing William Regal being "fired" for sixty days. We then get a rare treat as Undertaker makes his entrance first. Chavo is out next with his three amigos and bodyguard BAM NEELY. He's looking unnaturally confident, and by that I mean he's not doing the usual pissing his pants and looking terrified bullshit most generic heels do when they're about to get squashed by Taker.
Undertaker vs Chavo Gerrero w/ Edge, Curt Hawkins, Zack Ryder, & BAM NEELY
Chavo puts Taker on the defensive in the corner with strikes, but Taker quickly reverses that shit. The announcers aren't even entertaining the thought of Chavo winning, and instead focus on his TLC match with Edge at One Night Stand. Old School hits but a boot misses and Taker gets crotched on the ropes. The ref backs Guerrero up and the Edges spring at Taker, taking him to the outside and beating him down LIKE A PACKA DOGS. The ref bans all three Edges from ringside. Thankfully the incredibly useful BAM N EELY is allowed to remain. Thankfully. Chavo leaps out at Taker and rolls him back into the ring, staying on top of him and surprisingly dominating him in the ring for a bit before tossing Taker back out. Aerial attack from the apron gets Chavo caught and slammed into the ringpost. Taker rolls Chavo back in the ring and has a staredown with BAM NEELY before climbing back in the ring and getting drilled with an elevated DDT from Chavo. Taker recovers quickly enough and dominates Chavito with all his signatur e moves. Big boot gets two since it's a big boot and so he goes for a chokeslam but Chavo counters and goes up top, only to get caught in another chokeslam attempt. BAM on the apron for the save, but one punch puts him out of commission. Wrestling bodyguards and bouncers are the bottom of the fucking barrel man. Chavo gets a lowblow to put Taker down as the ref was distracted with Neely's bitchery, but the frogspash attempt gets caught and the entire crowd literally rose to their feet as Taker delivered the Tombstone Piledriver for the three count.
Winner : Undertaker
After the match, Taker poses in the ring as nobody draws attention to the uselessness of Bam Neely. END SHOW.
Tediz : Finlay and Chuck Palumbo had a nice little bout, and Kofi was fun to watch. Not a whole hell of a lot tonight, though.
Squirrels : Deuce and Domino are still really, really boring.
You know you remember that game : Remember when John Morrison got to be on Smackdown? It's been two whole weeks. Dig him out of the ECW trench and bring him back to a show people actually watch, sort of. I miss making Doors jokes.
With that we get a video of Taker's Survivor Series debut showcasing the absolute shittiest flying double axe handle and tombstone piledriver I've ever seen, ever. Guess that was for the "look how far he's come" effect. After the SS video, Cole says that "ironically", Taker's last match could be this Sunday at One Night Stand. What about that is remotely ironic? Well they're both on a Sunday, I guess, but still. Matt Hardy's in action next. Commercials!
I got a fake tattoo from a box of Capri Suns. It's a flaming guitar that says Naked Brothers Band on it. I don't know what the fuck that is, but I'm sure it'll get my ass kicked.
Hardy's out first, because champions only get to come out last when they can be taken seriously. Kidding, sort of. Oh shit, it's Elijah Burke! Two straight weeks on tv, and it's not ECW or anything! Allright!
US Champion Matt Hardy vs Elijah Burke, nontitle
They start off trading arm reversals and clubs until Hardy takes Burke down with a clothesline. The announcers are saying how Burke is talented but he can't seem to get over the hump and get that one huge singles win to put him over the top. Well maybe that's because he's been a sparsely used jobber on ECW for the past year. I mean who the hell is he supposed to beat there, fucking Nunzio? Burke regains with some kicks and his 4-Uppercut. Hardy lands in 619 position and Burke delivers a great jump to Hardy' s back that sends Burke out of the ring through the ropes and landing perfectly on his feet. Back in for a nearfall and Elijah starts hammering away with "the body's hardest weapon, the elbow". I swear I've heard the announcers call at least twelve different body parts the hardest parts of the body before. Knees, shins, SKULL, uh, fucking...boots...alright, like four, but still. Hardy escapes a chinlock and they trade shots which Burke wins because he's a former amateur boxer. Not that fucking Cole or Foley would tell you that, they're too busy saying how Burke has some new wild and strange ideas or some shit. Fistdrop off the top gets two and Foley keeps pushing how out-of-this-world strange Burke's worldviews are. I still have no idea what the fuck he's talking about. What is he, Rastafarian? Is Foley prejudice? What the fuck is going on here? Burke's character hasn't been any more than just a cocky dude. Anyway side headlock that Hardy can't break even after a side suplex. Second one does it. Foley is eati ng fucking snacks, so at least he'll be shutting the fuck up for a minute. Elbow off the top from Hardy but Burke blocks the Side Effect with a backslide attempt but Hardy counters that by connecting with the Side Effect for two. Foley hilariously fakes surprise at Burke kicking out of the Side Effect, saying how that doesn't happen very often. Not sure if he meant anyone kicking out of the Side Effect or just Burke ever kicking out period, but either way. Burke counters a bulldog and so gets sucked right into the Twist of Fate. They're definitely pushing the surprise aspect of this move.
Winner : Matt Hardy
After the match, Elijah stays on his knees, extends his hands, and starts talking to the sky. Oh, what the fuck is this. After no follow-up, I headed over to his profile on wwe.com, your source and mine for all things "Oh, what the fuck, WWE...". Apparently his gimmick is now that of a "Paragon of Virtue" and "Extreme Guiding Light". Like a prophet or something I guess. Yeah. I also skimmed one of his blogs. It was about his childhood, and was your usual blackground for a black WWE Superstar. Kind of like t hose old "Ghettos of Orangeburg" videos they used to air about Shelton Benjamin only in blog form. Oh yeah, also his mother wore a cape and mask for some reason. Maybe she was a superhero. Man, Elijah grew up in the Jacksonville projects of a toxic waste dump? That really was a bad neighborhood. Fuck you, Shelton, your old gang doesn't have shit on superheroes.
In the back now is MVP talking to Eve about how no one cares about Matt Hardy. P also says that he is still the most talented guy on the roster and that his recent bad luck in matches is due to moronic decision making. And that's a shoot. Jamie Noble interrupts to ask for a word. A white Southerner and a black revolutionist? This can't end well. Oh shit, he spotted your Malcom X tattoo in the locker room, MVP! He's got a noose, run! Well, P doesn't, and it turns out Noble doesn't have a noose, either. This time. Rather, Noble politely tells P to stop blaming his problems on other people and that they're both a lot alike. Obligatory cruiserweight joke here sets Noble off and they agree to a match. Noble goes off to find his "close personal friend" Vickie Guerrero, and judging from the previous encounters between Noble and Vickie, I can only hope this doesn't lead to the return of The Great Khali. Commercials.
You won't find a more ungrateful face than that on the corpse of a black person who just hanged himself.
Back. It's that Irish troll, and he's got his leprechaun with him. Chuck Palumbo follows and he's out with a big top hat, sunglasses, and toothpick. Add that to his curly black hair and he's looking exactly like Slash of Guns and Revolver fame. Incidentally, I hope John Morrison dumps Miz soon, because this pair-up just needs to happen.
Finlay w/ Hornswoggle vs Chuck Palumbo
This of course is a rematch from last week, which of course Chuck lost. Chuck starts off kicking Finlay in the corner before delivering an overhead belly-to-belly. "I'M DA MAN." Jesus, Chuck. Finlay dodges a charge and Chuck goes shoulder-first into the steel ringpost. Finlay follows up by working over the shoulder until Palumbo throws him out of the ring, but Finlay lands on his feet and sends the pursuing Palumbo into the steel steps. Back in we get a weird-ass dropkick from Finaly and he runs the ropes b ut Chuck greets him with a huge leaping big boot to Finlay's chest. Very nice. Seriously, that looked rough. A couple of nearfalls later Chuck goes up top but misses a leg drop and Finaly sends him outside where they resume fighting and Hornswoggle thankfully doesn't do shit. No water guns or tennis balls today. Instead Palumbo takes a chain off his bike, wraps it around his fist, and just blatantly nails Finlay with it for the DQ.
Winner : Finlay
Stiff shot with the chain there. Palumbo rides off instead of instilling more damage because Chuck Palumbo isn't the kind of guy who would beat up a man in front of his leprechaun. Chuckie looked great in this match.
In the back now Vickie and the Heads are talking about how Batista won't be able to find a partner because no one likes him. Despite getting a teary sendoff from the entire locker room back when he had to vacate his title to injury, but whatever. Guess someone wrote some mean stuff in the locker room slam book since then. Or, something. Noble interrupts, but Vickie's still exposing cleavage so I change the channel. Sure hope Noble got that match he wanted. Commercials!
I very often find myself late at night watching old episodes of Carnivale and The X-Files instead of doing...anything else. And I don't regret it.
Back. OH, SHIT!
WWE Tag Team Champion John Morrison w/ Miz vs CM Punk
These guys have never had a bad match together, which is weird because of how different they are. One's straight out of the Orange County Suite in the Palace of Wisdom, the other's straight out of the gutter on the corner of 5th and Main. No, YOU just wanted to make yet another Doors reference. Seriously though, with that beard and hair, Punk looks like he's lugging around all his belongings in that briefcase. Before the match the announcers plug MNMT's wwe.com show The Dirt Sheet. I have to admit, it is en tertaining. "Thanks, Miz." Yeah, really pretty funny actually, you can watch two or three of them without getting bored. That's it, though. Before the match, Miz got ejected from ringside and sent to the back for no particular reason whatsoever. Good. The bell rings, and hey, Punk might actually win this one! Just kidding, that's not allowed.
Punk goes for a rollup on Morrison while he was still talking to the ref about Miz's ejection. You know, one typo and that last sentence could have been exponentially more hi-LARIOUS. I love dick jokes too, but I just don't churn out that type of quality, goddamnit. NOW SUFFER THROUGH MORE OF MY BLOW BY BLOWS. Morrison kicks out and Punk kicks in with his Muay Thai stiff kicks to Morrison's leg before landing one on the side of Mr Nojho Rison's head. He rolls out to the apron and ambushes Punk when he came over with a reverse guillotine to the back of Punk's neck on the ropes. Morrison is back in just to get put back down with another kick. Morrison gets a jawbreaker and a soccer kick to Punk's head that doesn't give him a concussion because John Morrison grew up poor and so he didn't get to go to soccer camp. As a matter of fact, it barely gets a two count, and Punk regains control with a GTS attempt. Morrison escapes and runs the ropes but Punk lands a heel kick on his return. The announcers discuss the pos sibility of Punk cashing in his MITB briefcase this Sunday at ONS. While debating which title he would go for, they noticeably leave out the ECW Title. They could at least pretend it was worth something. I mean, it is considered a World title, right? I mean Big Show repped it in the "Champion of Champions" triple threat match with the two other wold champions, so yeah. They should at least pretend it's worthy of world champion status and not complete shit, kind of like how they do with Khali. Pepsi One and Foley again hilariously anticipates a pin with "Can that be it Cole?!" like he did with the Side Effect. It gets two of course, and so does the powerslam that comes after it, Enziguri from Morrison, who has abs like a cheese grater according to Foley. I go back and forth between liking Foley and wishing for Coach to come back. Morrison tries for a suplex but Punk reverses it into the GTS for the nearfall. Oh shit, you mean that was a three count? And Punk wasn't on the receiving end of it?!
Winner : CM Punk
Kind of shitty finish, it's not even remotely believable that Morrison couldn't have gotten out of that shit. The whole thing was disappointing, considering the excellent matches these two have had against eachother in the past, but it was short and was just to advertise their both being killed in the Singapore Cane match by Big Show this Sunday anyway, so no big deal. Despite his stupid rib shirt, shittier music, and losing streak to push ratio that'd make Rey Mysterio during his World Title run go "Holy s hit, you're buried", Punk still somehow manages to save face and always look strong. That'd probably mean more if I'd waited to say that until after Punk lost a match, but whatever. Batista tries to scrounge up friends after the break. Commercials.
I think I depress my dog.
Back and Batista is out first, and they still haven't said who his partner is. And he NEEDS a partner - he's facing the Edgeheads, after all! Batista foolishly believes otherwise, however, and says "I don't need a partner" to Justin Roberts. Edgeheads are out with Vickie and holy fuck their entrance music sounds worse than if Biscuits and Gravy was sung by Vickie Guerrero when she's really nervous and so her voice cracks even more than usual. Unless that's just how she talks, in which case, damn. FUCK CLEAV AGE. I hear Vickie asking for Batista's partner but he repeats that he doesn't need a partner - however, he never said he didn't have one. Big Show's music plays and he appears on the ramp before grabbing Vickie's chair and wheeling her backstage. He reappears and makes his way down to the ring. Don't worry guys, maybe the rest of your Familia will help you! Come on BAM NEELY!
Batista & Big Show vs Curt Hawkins & Zack Ryder
Yeah, no. If you need me to tell you what happened, or if you care, you're ridiculous.The only thing of note was Foley talking up Shawn Michaels before calling him "a phenomenal wruuuh, sports entertainer." Thought that was kind of neat. Next we get footage of Undertaker eliminating that phenomenal sports entertainer himself Shawn Michaels to win the Royal
Rumble. Commercials.
I have a severe disinterest in lighthouses.
In the back Cherry's getting her black eye checked out by a doctor when Maryse shows up. She looks like Michelle McCool, only...no, nothing. She is identical to Michelle McCool. Even down to the clothes. Where's she been anyway? Think Taker got himself a new main squeeze, as they say. And by they I mean absolutely nobody. McCool asks the doctor to look at her foot because it hurts. He asks when she hurt it and she says last week, when she kicked Cherry's face! Badum-PSH! Like a drumroll and cymbals. Yeah. N oble and MVP next.
Commercials.
Panda piss in a coke bottle.
MVP is out first with his usual ridiculous assortment of upper-body accessories. Noble is out next with his usual generic rock theme and nothing else at all.
MVP vs Jamie Noble
Noble works P's leg and P works Noble's abdomen. MVP going for the BFB but Noble stops that shit with a dropkick to the knee. Noble follows up with an enziguri. Noble's cauliflower ear leads Foley to say it's the second worst ear Foley's ever seen. MVP crawls and lays on the bottom turnbuckle as Noble charges and dives at him, flipping and hitting P with his back. The announcers don't know what to call it so I propose the tumble jumper in the hopes of it becoming a common move so that I may one day hear Don West exclaim OH MY GOD HE JUST DRILLED HIM WITH THAT TUMPLE BUMPER DID YOU SEE THAT MIKE?! WAIT! SOMETHING'S GOING ON IN THE BACK! WHAT'S THIS?! Perhaps someday. Noble off the top with a bulldog for two but MVP is up for the suplex on the ropes. As Noble was getting to his knees P lands a sort of running enziguri that I hope was not supposed to be the Big Fucking Boot for the win.
Winner : MVP
Clip of Taker pinning Big Dave's dumb ass at Wrestlemania. Commercials.
I fell into a coma and woke up here, so now I do this.
Oh, Lord. Jimmy Kimmell's cousin vs Santino Morella next week on Smackdown. I don't know if his cousin is famous or a regular on his show or whatever because I hate Jimmy Kimmell and don't watch it, but this still seems retarded as fuck. "Hey, a random barely famous guy likes wrestling! CHA-CHING!" Also, you just know he's going to win and never come back. Not that it'd be better if he did come back, but you know. Also, Jimmy Kimmell looks like a vampire crossed with Otho from Beetlejuice. Also, timberwolve s.
VLAAAAAD THE FAAAAILUUUURE. Somebody's gotta keep Battlebots alive. He'll be squashing Shannon Moore tonight. I used to think his entrance was lame, but now it's pretty hilarious. Get some scared small guy in the ring, then abruptly cut his music and the lights and just have this big crazy Russian guy come out and beat his ass. I hope this never goes anywhere, I hope he never gets a push or fights higher card guys, I hope he just comes out for two minutes every week and kills somebody. He'll be kind of like 911, only with a shittier finisher. It'll be great.
Vladimir Kozlov vs Shannon Moore
Vladimir Kozlov wins with his shitty finisher.
Winner : Read, goddamn you.
Cole and Foley discuss how much flannel a million dollars can buy which smoooothly segues into the Raw Recap, and by that I mean an ad for McMahon's latest attempt at a ratings spike. Cole and Foley are actually pretty funny together. Not like the jokes they tell or the folksy local news atmosphere they try to present, but in a "Aww look, they're having fun" sort of way. That probably sounded extremely gay, sorry. MORE MALE RAPE JOKES. It doesn't really matter what I think about Cole and Foley anyway, JBL i s obviously coming back to Smackdown. I mean, why else would Edge stay in the locker room for the past hour and a half? Happy? There you go. Commercials.
I went to Bangkok and all I got was this lousy blowjob.
Michelle McCool vs Maryse w/ Deuce & Domino
Fucking clones! Vince got a factory somewhere. Seriously, my earlier assessment was not far off base, these two are identical. Anyway, this match was annoying because Cole was obviously distracted. Apparently he was watching another match on his computer in which Michelle McCool wrestled some dude named Maurice and allright I'll stop being so anal. Maurcie has the best ass in wrestling. Anybody who disagrees should watch her choke somebody in the corner with her leg in that tight spandex. Fuck Mickie James, she's not even slutty anymore anyway. And that's all that really matters. Take note, women. All none of you. Getting back to the match, Cherry's music hit and she came out to stand on the entrance ramp as Deuce and Domino yelled at their baby sistuh/stoobid ex bitch to go to the back. Anyway, I guess Maryse really did hurt her foot on Cherry's head because she taps out when McCool gets her in a leglock.
Winner : Michelle McCool
The final Taker clip we get is that of Edge THE SICK PIRANHA cashing in his MITB briefcase against him after his match with Batista last year on Smackdown, leading to Edge winning his World Heavyweight Championship. Just in case you've been wondering exactly how long Edge-Taker has been going on for anyway. Commercials.
I'm an artist at heart, all I ever see is blank canvas waiting to be filled. That's why I don't brush my teeth.
Back and it's time for the Cutting Edge! Thankfully Matt Hardy was sent home earlier so as to avert any tragedies. Because of the cutting edge since he's emo, not Edge, but I suppose it works for that too. Now that I've completely dissected and ruined the joke completely, onto another one! The World Heavyweight Championship is hanging on a hook above the ring. Why doesn't Edge just find a ladder and grab it? Maybe it's a secret ladder match! It's worth a shot, and I mean there's bound to be a ladder under t he ring, along with a plethora of folding chairs, several thin useless wooden tables, and a sledgehammer. I'd go for the fifty footer. Oh shit, there's already one in the ring! Practically giving this title away. Instead Edge gives a long-winded speech about how Taker's always ruined Smackdown for him. Edge reminds us that if Taker loses the TLC match this Sunday, he is banished from the WWE. He clarifies that this isn't one of those things where the guy goes away for four weeks, then comes back drafted to another show - no, the ENTIRE WWE. So, basically what he's saying is, Taker's winning the belt back this Sunday. Edge thinks he's got the himself in this match because of his experience in TLC and airs his own tribute video to his TLC legacy. A cheesy summer movie-esque trailer runs, showing possibly the shittiest TLC highlights possible. There's about three different one-man-conchairtos, just to give you an idea. Anyway, he then introduces his guest tonight The Undataka, playa.
Taker comes down and into the ring and starts slowly walking towards Edge, who circles the ladder, keeping it between them. Edge understands tonight is hard for Taker since it's his last night on Smackdown, made especially more uncomfortable with all these T's, L's, and C's around, but Edge has something to make him feel more at home. At this the Edgeheads, Chavo Guerrero, and BAM NEELY wheel down a casket, and no, as a matter of fact I won't ever lowercase BAM NEELY. Attention needs to be brought to this p oor motherfucker's ring name. Maybe someone can do something. Just planting seeds, whether they ever take root I don't know, but BAM's name will always be written as such. Or at least until me and Neil are fired. So basically, you probably only have to put up with seeing BAM NEELY for about six months or so. It's actually kind of a race to see who gets fired first. I'm guessing BAM. Anyway. Taker decides not to wait for the four dudes to come down to the ring and instead charges at Edge who slips out of the ring. Taker leaves the ring and decides to go after the aforementioned four guys at once. Undertaker of course lays out everyone, even BAM NEELY! But eventually the NUMBERS GAME CATCHES UP TO THE PHENOM. Or something. And he's put down by La Familia's wild clubbing blows. MEANWHILE, BEHIND THE RING! Edge is hiding and clutching a chair. MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE RAMP, Taker fights out and lays everyone out for good. Just as he was about to chokeslam Chavo onto the solid steel mahogany casket, Edge delivers a chair shot to Taker's back. He turns around and receives another to his face. La Familia recovers and stomps Taker as Edge beats him some more with the chair until Edge calls to bring Taker into the ring. From here they roll him back out into the casket and the Edgeheads sit on top of it. Edge tells the Undertaker to get used to that as he climbs the ladder to symbolize the Legend of Edge. Whatever the fuck that means. It means Edge is about to get fucked up.
Sure enough, the gong dongs and the lights go out, and when they come back on Taker is standing on the opposite side of the ladder. He shoves Edge off and Taker takes a tumble into Chavo and BAM. Taker looks for a chokeslam to put Edge through a table that's inexplicably now in the ring but an Edgehead interrupts, allowing Edge to escape. Taker then says fuck it and Last Rides the Head through the table. Last Rides. Last Ridden? Last Rode? Fuck it, it was a powerbomb. Taker sticks his tongue out at Edge as Edge bulges his eyes and does his best dying fish impression. BAM NEELY is useless. END SHOW.
Lemon pie : Vey solid night. Every match was good, but also short. Give it to Finlay-Palumbo. Palumbo's really not that terrible. No, really.
Those pie jokes The Rock would do about old women: Nothing was out and out bad so I'll just say the Divas on principle, even though as I type this I can't remember what the Diva match was tonight and I outright refuse to look.
Remember cobblers? : Remember when the concept was that they would put on good shows so you'd happily pay money/go through the trouble of stealing to see longer, better shows? I liked that better then buy a shitload of long, mediocre shows and if you suffer through these short shitty ones we'll pay you.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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SATIRE: WWE's Discontinued X-Mas Products
DVD Review: End Game, Starring Kurt Angle
50+ Random Star Wars Lines You Can Use In The Middle Of Sex To Hilarious Results
CLASSIC SATIRE: ECW Goes Sci-Fi
Stephen Rivera's 4th Fall: Introduction
Broken News: U.S. Hero with Golden Trunks Becomes Homeless Man
When Wrestling Merchandise Goes Bad: WWE Finger Rings
CLASSIC SATIRE: Guess Who's HHHaving a Baby?
Broken News: WWE Pro Grappling "Gentle Giant" Reunited with Estranged Son
TWF Entertainment: VH1's 40 Greatest Celebrity Feuds
The WWE Developmental Rookie Name Generator
Wacky TV Recapitation: Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling
BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
VIDEO SATIRE: 'Til Death Do Us Part!
SATIRE: WWE Acquires the History Channel!
Sean Carless's WRESTLING WITH MANIA
CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!
