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SmackDown Rant Archive (May 2007)

May 04, 2007
May 11, 2007
May 18, 2007
May 25, 2007

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (05/04/07)

Bullfrog wont return my calls.

I have sent the guy e-mails. I camped in his front lawn for two nights, I even kidnapped his mother as ransom. But… nothing. Not a whisper.

Sooo… it looks like I’m back, folks, watching Smackdown because it’s easier for you guys to sit through a couple thousand words than it is to sit through a Boogeyman match. And for that, I damn you all to hell.

Now lets get this out of the way so that I can hunt down your relatives graves and begin the Urination… oh, I’m sorry. I know that’s out of order. I’m just so goddamn ANGRY all the time.

Nothing like starting the show on a high note!

And believe me, this IS NOTHING like starting the show on a high note. The Boogeyman’s music hits. And when I say hit’s, I mean like a shot to the groin with a studded boot.

Match One:- Boogey vs. Regal.

I like calling the Boogeyman Boogie. It puts me in mind of Disco Inferno, who is no longer around to entertain us, due to his gambling/cocaine ring. Or That 70’s Guy, Mike Awesome, who is no longer with us because of his suicide. Or that team from WSX who groovied their shit up. You know, before it got cancelled. And I hope, nay, prey, that by referring to him as Boogie, I have jinxed him with the CURSE OF DANCING PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS:- DISCO FEVER!! And just like all of those Travolta wannabe’s, I hope he is found hanging from the ceiling in an exploding electric vat of rabid pirahna fish, with a pound of bagged cocaine up his arse.
Furthermore, I hope that I can continue to run this joke for another, say, twenty minutes, and miss the match completely. Nope? Eugh. You suck a dick and two balls.

Really basic shit. Boogey surprises me here with his ability to lock up. I didn’t know he had it in him.

Boogey overpowers Regal until Taylor interferes by, amazingly, getting up onto the ring apron without either of his hips breaking. Boogeyman is of course distracted by Taylor’s decomposing body, and Regal is able to take the advantage.

Regal stiffs Boogey for a while (although it isn’t too spectacular. I mean by all means stiff somebody, but not when you have a fucking stiff walking around the ring area. Taylor, the first living man to suffer from Rigamortis). Boogeyman comes back with the big stereotypical hoss boot, and gets a big stereotypical hoss double choke slam, so Taylor breaks up the proceedings… very bloody slowly… which of course earns Boogey the win via DQ.

Winner:- Boogey.

Kane now comes out to aid his new tag team partner, and Taylor and Regal escape into the crowd. Hey, I have no problems with Kane and Boogeyman as tag team partners! That’s great! Keep them in the tag division, because as they are not called Hardy, Londrick or Deuce and Domino, they’ll never get a fucking match of any worth! Everyone is a winner.

In the back with Theodore Long and Da Dweem for… well, for no apparent fucking reason really. Da Dweem is talking that working class mans jive of his, which roughly translates into ‘incoherent gobbledegook bullshit’. Oh those working men and their babbled sentences and shitty rhymes.

MVP then enters and requests another US Title match. You want to repeat a match we have already seen twice in a week? Then dagnabbit, you have come to the right show!! Infact, I have a wonderful feeling that you will be replicating this match with Benoit in the Best Of THE REST OF FUCKING TIME tournament for… well… the rest of fucking time. Make yourself comfortable.

Oh yeah, he’s got a match with Kane tonight for the number one contendership. See what I mean?? I think that they just slide the tape in of their first match, press play and let it run. The magic is nobody fucking notices.

Oh yeah, some guys are outside auditioning to be under Theodore Long. The Miz is there, which confuses me, because I assumed that to actually still be on the Smackdown Roster, he must have been under Theodore Long for months now. Ahem. Keyfabed gay joke, anyone?

Match 2:-- Kendrick vs. The Fonz’s less cool little brother who always idolised the Fonz and wanted to be just like him but could never quite get the hair right, wore leather jackets that were three sizes too big, only pulled fat chicks who were grateful for any cock they could get, and could only afford a second hand Moped which was actually more of a motorised wheelchair, and even had a basket on the front.

I hate Deuce and Domino. I hate everything about them. And I REALLY hate seeing them with the tag team belts around their waist. I mean, any inkling of prestige that the belts once had left has now disappeared thanks to these two. If I wanted to see some pretend greasers pretend to fight… badly, I’d watch the ballroom scene from Grease.

In fact, put the damn belts on Kenickie and the other guy.

Hell, put the damn belts on David Arquette and Tank Abbot. But not these two green-ass retards.

Oh yeah, the match, right.

Erm, did anybody see Tough Enough? You know those basic matches they used to do, where they ran through lock ups and shit? That is what this match is. It is like watching Maven and Nowinski three weeks into their training. Eventually Kendrick hit’s the Sliced Bread 2 on Domino after running up Deuce in a cool spot, but to be honest, I don’t care. So far, this week has sucked eggs. Here’s hoping for some entertainment.

Winner:- Kendrick.

Match 3:- Did Somebody Say Entertainment? Matt Hardy vs. Kennedy.

I think, if memory serves, that Kennedy has always had a hard time beating Hardy. With that in mind, the match seems just slightly more competitive.
This is a PPV quality match, with both Kennedy zand Matt bringing their A Game. Kennedy gets busted in the nose pretty early on, but this just seems to make him angry. Sometimes, hard way blood is awesome for a match. I’d love to run through the match play by play, but to be honest the match was so compelling my notes were limited. The end sequence though was a real nail biter, with each man hitting their patented maneuvers, but not being able to quite finish the job. A cool spot saw Kennedy go for the Kenton Bomb, but Matt got the feet up in an ‘ouch’ moment. Kennedy then escapes a Twist of Fate attempt, but can’t break a second, and goes down for the three. Wow.

Winner:- Matt Hardy.

Both men look strong in victory/defeat, and we all got to see a Smackdown Classic. Works for me.

Next week, Batista will become champ again in a cage! Unless, God forbid, by some freak accident, he should trip in the ring and dislocate his kneecap. I am currently on the phone to Uri Gellar trying to sort that one out.

Match Four:- Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Gregory Helms.

Oh my fricking God, I thought Wang Yang was dead!

Michael Cole:- And now, entering the ring, you can see the late, great Jimmy Wang Yang. And there are his family, in the front row cheering him on. May I just offer them condolences for their loss.

Oh, Michael Cole. Kills off more people than cholera. Or at least, the drop in ratings whenever he is on screen would seem to prove so…

Anyway, we have a nice little match here, without any rhyme or reason, with absolutely no build whatsoever. You could lose all of your fingers, chop off your penis (that’d be a trick with no fingers!) and STILL have more point than this match.

Regardless, these two guys do their thang, but correct me if I’m wrong:- the cruiserweight division is about exposing what the smaller guys can do? I mean, a half Boston Crab is all well and good, but why have these guys wrestle like fucking hosses?? I mean, a BEAR HUG!? I’m not asking for Lucha, I just want to see a match without ‘methodical pacing’.

Nice spot sees Wang land on his feet from a German Suplex, and connecting with a pretty meaty kick before hitting the Hurricanrana. Wang Yang eventually wins the back and forth match with THE ULTIMATE IN CRUISERWEIGHT HIGHSPOTS… no, its not the Canadian Destroyer, you ungrateful little sod. It’s a damn moonsault. What, you think Wang Yang is anywhere near as agile as Trevor Murdoch!? COME ON.

We see Batista walking backstage. Treasure this moment, because this is the most charismatic Batista will look tonight. Look at the way he puts one foot in front of the other! Then see how he alternates! Star Quality oozes out of every pore. Unfortunately, not Batista’s pores. The only thing that oozes from Batista is the milk that he is starting to lactate after taking more steroids than Nathan Jones.

Batista is in the ring, and he says… exactly the same shit he always fucking says. You know, he’s gonna go through hell, he will KICK the Undertaker's ASS, and NO LITTLE CHILD YOU SHALL NOT HAVE AN AUTOGRAPH FROM ME, THE GREAT TEEST, I AM ABOVE WRITING MY NAME ON ANYTHING THAT DOES NOT BARE MY RESEMBLANCE. Prick.

Mark Henry is coming back soon! He was supposed to be back two weeks ago, but unfortunately, he is still trying to haul his fat ass across the parking lot and into the damn building. Unfortunately, next to the door is a closed Burger van. I’m assuming he will take a small detour, but if he tries to break in through the vans door, we could still be waiting for his triumphant return in 2009.

Match Five:- The Miz vs. Finlay.

FUCK OFF. I refuse to review anything The Miz does. I point blank refuse. If in future weeks you guys want to send me your own personal reviews of Miz matches, feel free. But there is no way I can try and review one of this twat's matches without it turning into a huge rant about wastes of space in wrestling. It wouldn’t even be a funny rant. Just one huge bitching session.

It really pisses me of that whilst guys like Paul Burchill are sent packing, The Miz still wrestles on the damn show. Where is the fucking justice!? I don’t even watch this shit. I see The Miz wearing Hornswoggles hat at the end and getting himself counted out, and rather than finding it amusing or even thanking God that the match was over, I ponder over whether, when you cut somebody’s head off, they are still conscious for a while, and thinking that I may have the perfect test subject.

Winner:- Finlay. Loser:- Anybody who has to watch The Miz doing his tired Terry Taylor without any Talent bullshit.

I fucking hate The Miz.

Okay, now Taker runs his old cliché promo. Batista will rest… in…. peace. Hmm, will this be before or after your big long rest on the Operators table, Undies? Don’t kid a kidder.

Main Event:- MVP vs. Kane!

What is that feeling? Is it déjà vu?… possibly.


Heh, actually, it’s not so bad, proving that MVP has come on in recent months. You know the formula, Kane beats the ever loving crap out of MVP, until MVP sees a chink in the armour and targets Kane’s arm, using the ringpost to do it. Eventually, though, Kane owers back with the Hoss Boot. Everything looks even stevens, with MVP hitting a nice swinging neck breaker. But Kane overpowers him again, and eventually readies for the choke slam, before… erm… Taylor and Regal return. Women might dig the English accent over in America, but let me assure you that we do not all look like Moomins. (Google them). I mean, take Joe for examp… no, wait, bad example. However, I am startlingly handsome. Want sluggish and slow, go for the Joe. Quick witted? Sublime? Make yourself mine.

Anyway, Regal uses his old knux Power Of The Punch, MVP hits ‘Cant Think Of A Finisher 101’, and it’s all over but the crying.

Stored In The Swagbag:- Kennedy and Hardy put on a fucking clinic here tonight. I’d have paid for a match like that.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- How can you condemn some-one who is already serving a fucking life sentence. Tell you what. I will let The Miz out of the Dungeon when Charles Manson gets a Christmas number one with Solstice Bells.

Well, there goes a substandard edition of Smackdown. Wanna see something that isn’t substandard? Then look no further than my segways! And, of course,
Deadface Walking, Done!, all of the other recaps, (except for Bullfrog’s. Little bastard).

And finally, go check out my new
Dungeon, one half of an epic two part masterpiece. Well, in the same way that Chris Masters is a Masterpiece. You know, depleted, worthless, and TOTALLY overpushed. By me.

Send Feedback to The Anvil's Swagbag 

The Anvil's Swagbag has eight girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (05/11/07)
Enjoy Smackdown whilst you can. Infact, enjoy all WWE TV whilst you can.

Because, and this is not a build up to a very sick joke… Stephanie McMahon Helmsley has just been PROMOTED.

That’s right. In her new position, Steph will enjoy overseeing ALL WWE TV, ALL WWE PPV, and ultimately, the DEMISE OF THE WWE. But it actually gets worse. Oh dear God it gets worse. Because, who should be working directly beneath Steph? None other than John ‘I think we need to see more WWE in ECW’ Laurinaitis.

Seriously folks, letting Steph oversee the Dub is the equivalent of letting a HIV Positive paedophile bathe your children. Adding John Laurinaitis is the equvalent of popping Viagra pills into his mouth as he does so, and whispering suggestively into his ear, ‘go on… no-one will EVER know’.

And so, on with what could possibly be the last ever entertaining edition of Smackdown. Although my writing this is an exercise in futility, as the Dub posted all of the sodding results on their website like four days ago. I’m quite sure they are starting to feel threatened by my overwhelming success, and are TNA’ing my ass out of all of my territories. Unfortunately, whilst they still have The Miz on the roster, I still have one fuck load of ammunition. Shit, pit me against the Dub’s higher ups. It’d be like the film Zulu all over again.

Bullfrog:- SARGE! There are thousands of them! Literally! And they all seem to be carrying… baking trays! We’re doomed!
Anvil:- Is that so, eh? (Picks up a megaphone) IF YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE HIRING OF THE MIZ, OWN UP TO IT NOW!
Bullfrog:- Wow. Where did they all go?
Anvil:- Simple logic, Bullfrog. If it had been Wrestlers charging us, threatening a random drug test would have garnered the same result.

Match One:- Matt Hardy and Chris Benoit vs. MVP and Finlay

You may fool everybody else Vince, but dear God, it doesn’t fool me. THROWING TWO MORE PEOPLE INTO THIS MATCH DOES NOT A NEW MATCH MAKE. It’s just the same match with Matt and Finlay randomly thrown in.
Anyways, Matt Hardy seemingly hurts his knee at one point. Great selling there, by the way, I was convinced he had hurt it for a second. Finlay and MVP of course pick the leg to pieces until Hardy gets the hot tag. And in comes Benoit with a head of steam. Or something less cliché. Benoit misses the Headbutt, because apparently, ‘cliché’ is catching. MVP comes in to pick up the pieces… and gets rolled up for the pin.

Winners:- Benoit and Hardy.

Erm… if I was Teddy Long, I’d cut MVP’s salary. The guy hasn’t won a match since… well, since he faced the Champion of Guatafuckingmala or something shitty like that.

Jillian sings a song, and then vehemently denies her character has anything to do with the Hogans. She then rips off her T Shirt and carries Donald Trump to safety on her barn door back.

Match 2:- Jillian vs. Michelle McCool.

I’d make a joke about masturbation, but I’m all out.

No, seriously, give me ten minutes to refill, and then I’ll be back. Seriously, Michelle McCools matches are one of the very rare occasions that I can get friction burns simply from WATCHING Wrestling.

Oh yeah. The blonde one won. Moving on.

Kristal is massaging Teddy Long. LOOK, WWE, IT IS NOT, AND COULD NEVER BE, SEXUAL ASSAULT IF SHE, SHE, IS MASSAGING HIM. Because we know that’s what you are getting at, and it doesn’t work on any level. For one, why does Teddy not hire Kristal to work for him properly in the assistants role? Would that make too much sense? And if Teddy Long IS eventually fired for being a sexual deviant, I am sure that the hours and hours of video footage, shown globally and watched by millions, proving his innocence, will probably come in pretty bloody handy. This story is a crock of shit.

Some guys dressed like the Godwinns are debuting next week, and one of them is the Fake Kane, so, I’ll be looking forward to that with baited breath. That wasn’t sarcasm, I’m actually going to suffocate myself.

Kristal suggests that Teddy hire Vickie Guerrero as his assistant because… Eddie died. No, I’m not joking. Her words were along the lines of ‘she has kids to look after as a single mum, and she lost the one person she loved the most.’ Ohhhh! Well in that case, she must be FULLY qualified for the job! Because we all know how much a bereavement can improve your typing skills. For FUCKS sake.

Then Teddy says that he doesn’t know what he would do if he lost Kristal. Oh, yes, because that is the same as Eddie and Vickie. The girl that you are fucking because she is a quarter of your age, yeah, that’s the equivalent of your husband and the father of your children suddenly keeling over. That’s exactly the same.

Ashley says some shit. I didn’t bother listening because by this point I was ready to go again. OHH YEAH BABY!

Match 3:- Domino vs. Paul London.

If Domino was a real domino, he’d only have two spots. THAT IS HOW LIMITED THIS GUY’S MOVE SET IS. Infact, fuck reviewing this, because it feels like it’s being held together with a piece of string. London does some pretty flippy dippy’s, they sloppily reverse some stuff, Kendrick interferes and London does the same thing that Kendrick did last week, running up one to moonsault the other for the win.
So was the psychology there that, even though Paul London was injured doing a moonsault, he has no fear? This, of course, throws Domino off, whom is expecting slightly more trepidation, and hasn’t prepared to handle the aerial assault?
HA! Don’t be stupid. The psychology was these three words.



Winner, and further proving that the tag team champions suck, and won the belt on a fluke, London.

This show has been slightly depressing so far, to be honest. One good match, and so much turd. Seriously, if you stood in this weeks Smackdown, you’d want to wipe it off on the nearest dog shit.

Match Four:- Dave Taylor vs.. Kane.

And it’s not fixing to look any better guys. Both of these men, at one point, could work. Both are now so worn down that they both need to retire soon. But this match is really all about the gimmick. Boogeyman and his midget are both out in Kane’s corner. This match is mostly a massacre with Kane looking dominant and Regal and Taylor looking petrified of The Freaks. At one point, Regal tries to interfere from the apron, but Little Boogey bitch slaps him back down to size, and Big Boogey hit’s a clothesline so weak looking that if a feather had majestically floated from the ceiling and landed on Regal’s lower back, he would have probably thought to sell it as a Boogeyman kick. Kane gets the choke slam for the win.

Winner:- Kane.

Okay. Now time for something that WILL be great. Either that, or Taker’s arm will affect the match to the point of total sucktitude. Hopefully, the cage will be foil enough for Taker to work around his injury.

Main Event:- Batista and Taker, CAGE MATCH.

The match starts off with neither man looking dominant. The crowd are strongly behind Taker again; I think Teest must have had a word with all the little kiddies.

Batista:- STOP SUPPORTING ME! You are not WORTHY!!!

Something like that probably. Asshole. Anyway, Taker tries to escape, but is met with a low blow. Teest beats on him for a while, and then tries to escape himself, but Taker attacks Teests leg, and Teest crotches himself on the rope. I’ll give Batista his dues, he knows how to sell his groin. Then again, so do I!
www.kevscock.com. Enjoy folks.

If you clicked on that link, I am sorely, SORELY disappointed in you.

Teest and Taker are still beating the crap out of each other, and it seems to be a stalemate again, with neither man being the clear cut victor in anything. They even hit a double clothesline as if to further emphasise my point. Eventually, Taker gets the advantage with the good old snake eyes, but the Taker arsenal isn’t enough to finish this. Nor is a chokeslam. Taker signals for the Tombstone, and the crowd are really feeling this but… NO! Batista regains the offensive with some liberal use of the steel cage. Taker is bleeding like a stuck pig now… DAMN THESE INFERNAL CLICHES! Anyway, Batista hit’s the generic Batista stuff, and then goes for the 10 punches in the corner, and I instantly know that he is going for the Last Ride. Remember when that was unpredictable? Me neither. Boy, is this a long match. Taker seems to be doing fine, but you have to question the logic here. Taker can’t get out of the door. More stuff happens, but GODDAMIT I’M WATCHING THE MATCH. Both men after so much punishment simultaneously climb out of the cage! Like a quarter of the Royal Rumble finishes. But yes, it fits this stalemate thing that they have going, so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. Taker retains, which would be shocking were it not for the fact that WWE.Com told me long ago.

Winner:- Draw.

This brings Mark Henry out. Well, actually, six Oompa Lumpa’s roll him out like the girl who turns into a blueberry (I smell a photoshop!) but it’s all one and the same, isn’t it? Mark beats up on the Undertaker quite badly, using anything metallic around the ring. Thank God he didn’t have to manually get into the cage. It was sad to see his beard actually grow as he tried to figure out how to break that chain before.

Mark gives Taker three big Splashes, which were more like flops to be frank, and then leaves.

Cue… wait for it… wait for it… EDGE’S MUSIC!

That’s right, Edge has come to Smackdown to cash in his newly won Money In The Bank suitcase! Awesome stuff.

MITB Match:- Edge vs. Taker for the damn title.

Edge goes for the pin. Don’t be stupid. Edge goes for the pin again, taking it from stupid to retarded. HIT HIM WITH SHIT!
Edge hits him with the spear. Not what I had in mind, but effective nonetheless.
One, two, three and a new world champion.

Winner:- Edge. And I for one could not be happier with THAT.

Oh, by the way, Edge THEN hit’s him with shit. Because I rule.

Stored in the Swagbag:- Four letters, one syllable! That’s right folks, you guessed it!

WANK, In homage of my two handshakes with Satan for Ashley And Michelle.

Ohhh, you thought I meant the New World Heavywe… heh, silly.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- This Teddy Long shit. I have said all I really need to say on the subject. Suffice it to say, I hate it.

Send Feedback to The Anvil's Swagbag 

The Anvil's Swagbag has eight girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (05/18/07)
Aha! The intro! Every recappers worst enemy! Because every week, they see different fights, they have some new material and they are fine, but the intro? It’s always the same. ‘Hello, welcome to this show. Funny line to hook you in. Lets crack on with the review.’ It’s a nightmare.

But over here on Smackdown, I don’t have that problem! No Sir! Because every week here… I’m watching THE SAME damn fights, and the same damn material!

So this week, I have decided not to do the SD report at all. I’m just going to link you up to last weeks! Enjoy!

Hi. I’m back. Apparently I can’t do that, so… erm…

…Hello, welcome to the show. I was speaking to Paul Birchill the other day, and I asked him how he got the hook on his hand, and he told me a croc bit it off. I then asked him how he lost his eye, and he said a bird shat in it. I was amazed and said, ‘that must have been lethal bird shit’. ‘No,’ he told me, ‘it was just my first day with the hook’. Lets crack on with the show.

Match One:- Matt Hardy vs. MVP.

It is quite astonishing to see how far MVP has come on over the past few months. But after having found out that he has spent a lot of time with Chris Benoit, I understand. I get it. He is so fucking bored of Benoit's monotonous drone that he is pushing himself to climb up to the upper echelons of the card where Chris will never find him! NEVER! It’s so devious it just might work.

Wow, I am really not in the mood today.

Good little match ensues, with early brawling before Matt hits the Side Effect and brings the pace down to his level. Two count, so he follows up with the clothesline bulldog. Lets be honest though, I very much doubt that MVP is scared of dogs with the countless experiences he must have had with them. Erm… not that I’m saying he must be a criminal or anything because of his skin tone… but all I’ll say is that his ring attire? Looks VERY MUCH like Flash Funks to me! More-so, I have it on good authority that Flash Funk stole it from The Blue fucking Blazer in the first place.
Twist Of Fate attempt, which MVP twists out of, much like appearances with his Probation Officer no doubt. He sends Hardy headfirst into the post and then hit’s his generic ‘Playmaker’ for the win.

Winner:- MVP.

MVP then gets a mic and the world preys he hasn’t been taking promo tips from his bosom buddy Benoit. Apparently not, he sounds quite convincing in telling us that after his victory at Judgement Day, he’ll be ‘ballin’. I’d LOVE to see Benoit give a promo like that actually, it’d be like Vince calling John Cena ‘nigga’ all over again. And who didn’t love that? WHO??

Now we get the obligatory ‘Taker is DEAD’ sequence that we get whenever he goes home to rest up or gets injured. I guarantee you that when he returns, he will be FULLY REINVENTED! Well, in that he will have… erm… a slightly smaller, dark blue hat instead.

Match 2:- Deuce, Domino and Chavo vs Londrick and Jimmy Wang Yang

Ooh, I wonder how this one will turn out! Maybe the Tag Champs will prove that they deserve the belts! Maybe Chavo will get a victory here without the use of Eddie’s name or legacy to aid him for better or worse! Maybe Deuca and Domino will prove to me that they have a thimbleful of talent somewhere deep within!

Psyche. They lost. And sucked. Wang Yang wins with the moonsault. And I refuse to give these poor excuses for Tag Team champions time of day until the belt goes back to the rightful owner.

Winner:- Kendrick and Wang Yang

Mark Henry is talking about a jungle or some shit, saying that this is his jungle and such. Well there is all the evidence we needed. HE IS THE PREDATOR!!!

Match Three:- Mark Henry vs. Funaki.

This one will be a squash in every sense of the word. Funaki tries to do some stuff but nothing works so he goes to the top rope and jumps… but MARK HENRY SWALLOWS HIM WHOLE LIKE A SHARK IN THE WATER!! Or, you know, he catches him and finishes him with the Worlds Laziest Finisher.
I’m so happy to see Mark Henry back where he belongs. In the ring. …what? No, not the wrestling ring, I’m homing in on the fucker with my sniper rifle.
Winner:- Mark Henry.

And straight into another. You see, this is why Smackdown pwns TNA. Expect me to take that back at some point later in this report.

Match 4:- Benoit vs. Finlay.

Always a great match, but… erm… is there any particular reason for it here? I mean, it’s not a complaint, but heck, just throwing the match in is a little random. Anyway, exactly what you’d expect, stiff, hard hitting shit which tears the house down. Or would if the WWE hadn’t trained their fans to cheer guys like The Boogeyman and other places that talent goes to die. Finlay works on the knee a lot. I guarantee that Chris will sell that at the PPV. Consummate pro. Great point in the match where Hornswoggle enters and Benoit tries to break him in half with the Sharpshooter. See? At least midgets are fun to watch as they get the living shit kicked out of them. Even Hillbilly Jim giggled as King Kong Bundy squashed a midget.

Finlay tries to hit Benoit with the shilleighleighleigh but it is countered into a crossface, which brings out MVP for the DQ. They then work on the leg more with the shilleighleighleigh and leave Benoit for dead. Lovely stuff.

Winner:- Benoit.

Ozzy Osbourne comes out for the first time since Wrestlemania Whatthefuckever and sings. Yeah, great. Remember when WCW used to bring in random acts to randomly perform for random ass reasons and it did nobody any favours?

I have a whole plethora of Osbourne jokes here, but fuck it. Suffice it to say I liked Black Sabbath, but I would rather watch Kelly Osbourne on Celebrity Cholonic Irrigations than sit through Ozzy tiredly singing, shaking like one of those tiny useless fucking dogs that would feel threatened by your fucking hamster.

Moving on.

Match 5:- The Miz vs. Christian York.


Lackey:- Hey Vinnie Mack, what do you want us to do with this Christian York fellow? He’s quite talented.
Vince:- Has he paid his dues?
Lackey:- Well, he’s an ex NWA tag team champio…
Vince:- HAS he paid his DUES??
Lackey:- Well if you mean has he ever appeared in Playgirl… erm… no.
Vince:- Well, job him to The Miz.
Lackey:- But Vince, Miz hasn’t paid his dues yet eith…
Vince:- GODDAMIT MAN, DO I COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE?? Job him to the Miz. And dear God, put this chair next to your fireplace over there, this rooms aura is all wrong.
Lackey:- Yes sir.

DEAR FUCKING GOD! The Miz wins. No idea why. Not a single solitary one. Let’s move on before the rant really picks up steam.

Winner.:- **shudder** The Miz.

Ooh, look, Vickie Guerrero is here, as if my migraine wasn’t quite painful enough. She has a job interview next week. How ironic! Because this time next week, I, myself, have a COMPLETE LACK OF INTEREST.

Match 6:- Kane vs. Regal.

Look, I’m sorry I seem so negative this week, but this is the same damn match as every other week. Where the hell is this fucking angle going? I mean, say what you will about Kane and Boogey being a fun team, but I can’t even remember why any of these guys are wrestling. Seriously, this angle has no beginning and no end, and the middle is just the same match looped over… and over… and over. It’s like an episode of Lost. I’m gonna call this series of matches Lost… Interest. Kane wins with a choke slam, but lets be honest, you already knew that.

And finally! Thank God. Edge is out with his title belt, heeling it up real good. He says he will take on all comers, which of course brings out Batista. Nap time kiddies! He wouldn’t want you watching anyway. Children are SO below DEACON BAUTISTA. Batista cuts a promo that SHOULD have been cut. Because it would have saved precious time in which nothing at all could have happened, and been a vast improvement. Same thing he says every time he cuts a promo, the belt is his, yadda yadda. They shake hands and that’s the end of a dreary show.

Stored in the Swagbag:- Some excellent matches as usual. It’s hard to look at a show negatively when there are matches like Hardy vs. MVP and Finlay vs. Benoit.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- On the flip side, some downright boring/awful stuff. Regal/Taylor/Kane/Boogey is stuck in a continuum, Miz is WINNING which means that I must be stuck in a fucking continuum, and this Vickie Guerrero storyline sucks a dick and two balls. Continuum…er…emly.

More bad than good this week, which is a rarity. Mark Henry, Deuce and Domino, Batista… hmmmmph. I just dunno. It was hard to find the funny this week because it was all a bit depressing,. But the thing about Smackdown is, it always bounces back strong. Sooooo….

Next Week, on the Smackdown Report…

It’s time to get creative!

Because let’s be honest, WWE Creative aren’t exactly living up to their name. A big hoss called Snitsky for a title run? That isn’t creative. Different perhaps, but not creative. I mean, it’s a radical approach, pushing a Heat Jobber with a foot fetish because he has had himself a shave and now looks like Ace Ventura’s talking ass. Radical, yes. Different, yes. Ridiculous, yes. But not creative.

So next week, for your viewing pleasure, I am showcasing the fact that there is still creativity in Wrestling! Oh yes, and it can be found

Erm… there were supposed to be fireworks and shit there, but Sean didn’t have the budget.

Tune in next week folks.

Send Feedback to The Anvil's Swagbag 

The Anvil's Swagbag has eight girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (05/25/07)
I know, I know, I was supposed to be ‘getting creative’ today, but unfortunately, I have spent the majority of my evening in the hospital with my brother, so I have neither the time nor the energy for it. So look out for that next week, and this week, put up with a ‘capsule review’. A ‘capsule review’, in most circles, means a small summation. Unfortunately, on this website, it means I’m putting fuck all effort in.

Out comes Edge. Cue ridiculous explosions and such, because now that Edge has beaten Taker in a 30 second match for the championship, he is a hot commodity deserving of rockets. I remember when the sign of a great champion was hour long title defences and representing your territory against an onslaught of monsters. Now if you win a match in half a minute and have six ‘Screamin’ Bangers’, you deserve that damn belt. Edge reels of his usual, the rated R era has begun etc etc. They HAVE to stop scripting these promo’s. It’s getting as repetitive as ‘Married With Children’.

Batista:- Durr, Peggggg can we have… errrr… sex tonight.
Peggy:-… no.
(Outrageous laughter).
Batista:- Durrrr… I’m gonna kick… Peggggggs… ASS.
(Outrageous laughter).

Anyway, Teddy brings his bad-ass self out to say that the winner of a Fatal Four Way match tonight will face Edge at ONS. I remember when Number One contenders were decided over a gruelling period of time in which a competitor would build his way up the ranks, earning victory after victory until they could rightly say that they were good enough to get a title shot. Now apparently all you have to do is hunt Arnold Schwartzenegger and Jesse Ventura through a jungle using heat seeking alien technology. Oh, by the way, the contenders are Kane, Mark Henry, Finlay and Batista. How exciting. Sorry, typo there. How excruciating.

Now either Teddy Long screws up here or he is a motherfucker.

Teddy:- ‘The winner faces Edge in a HELL IN A…. 15 foot high steel cage‘ match.

Oh, well that’s ding dang fucking diddly doozy. Here’s me thinking we are about to see pure brutality, but hell no, we get the same shit we had at WRESTLEMANIA TWO WITH KING KONG BUNDY! So much for ECW being the innovators of violence, eh?

Match 1:- Londrick vs. Taylor and Regal
Should be a strong little match that doesn’t in anyway involve Deuce and Domino. That is, until they drive out to ringside, and I imagine the feeling of relief that would wash over me if my head was under one of those wheels right now. God, I hate these two. Anyway, we start off with some technical wrestling, until Kendrick starts trying to fly, and is pitched to the outside. Good selling here, as he looks to have twisted his knee. They get back into the ring, and Regal hits some DEVESTATING looking stiff knees. GOD I love shots like that.
Some more stuff happens, but I find myself getting annoyed at the editor who keeps deciding to show us the damn car in which Deuce and Domino are doing nothing. Whilst this is preferable to them actually doing SOMETHING, like, I dunno, wrestling, I WANNA WATCH THE DAMN MATCH. Anyway, Sliced Bread Number Two in the ring, but Kendrick lets go way too early and it looks meh-tastic.. London is tagged in, cleans house for a while, goes up top and…..

…Domino pushes him off. The ref calls for the bell and I think, ‘well, what a fucking crock.’ Then I think, ‘At least Regal and Taylor weren’t facing Kane’. I then thank God in a solemn prayer. And then, whilst I’m on the line, I ask him to kill Deuce and Domino, but unfortunately, a Symbiote drops from my ceiling, turning me alarmingly into Spawn for no apparent fucking reason whatsoever. Screw you, I’m bored.

Six way brawl on the outside. Could there be a six man tag match around the corner?

Okay, now we see Hornswoggle running through the back with Edge’s belt. I wrote like four jokes here and deleted them all. One about the end of a rainbow. One about RVD’s stash. But none of them can really compare to the sight of EDGE chasing a LEPRECHAUN through the back. Pure gold. Anyway, Finlay hands Edge his belt back, ‘for now.’ For a man who loves to fight, that was a bit… erm… gay.

Speaking of gay, Jillian Hall could turn Oscar Wilde tonight. And I’m not a big Jillian mark.

Reporter:- Anything to declare, Oscar?
Oscar Wilde:- I have nothing to declare but my need to fucking bang the shit out of Jillian Hall.

Moving swiftly on, Jillian performs ‘Jillatronic’. Which would be awful except I’m just watching those titties bounce, and believe me, I would listen to Jillatronic daily for a Jillian Mountain Range sandwich. With my penis being the meat. And her breasts being the buns. Oh, you got it.
Anyway, Boogeyman interrupts… what is left of Jillian to bite off? LEAVE THOSE BREASTS ALONE, I GOT ONE SANDWICH WITH MY NAME ON IT. And the… erm… meat is my penis etc.
Jillian escapes, McCool throws her back in, all the while Jillian is screaming into that mic, making my job a little faster. You see, my fingers are the buns… and the meat is…
Little Boogey scares her some more, they throw some worms on her, but by this point the only worm that matters has been sick and I feel completely satisfied. God DAMN this episode of Smackdown is good.

Theodore Long gives Vickie Guerrero the Assistant General Manager job. God DAMN this episode of Smackdown is bad.

Match 2.- Matt Hardy vs. The Miz.

Let me give you the capsule review for this match. Literally, a capsule. A capsule of poison, which upon swallowing, the death is quick and painless.

The Miz, as per, controls WAY TOO MUCH of the action here, mostly with basic holds and wrestling 101, until Matt Hardy hit’s the Twist Of Fate. Which The Miz sells like a swinging neck breaker. Good LORD.

Winner:- Matt Hardy.

I hate The Miz. I hate this new ‘attitude’ that he Is supposed to be portraying. He’s still Ryan Seacrest in a wrestling ring to me.

And out comes the highest paid superstar on Smackdown!! No, not Taker. No! Not Batista. Oh, for god’s sake, not Benoit either. It’s MVP. Whatever happened to keyfabe??

Anyway, there are lots of banners and shit, MVP is celebrating his title reign. He cuts a killer promo about having finally proven himself, and then calls out Benoit, who obliges. OOH I SMELL TROUBLE.
Porter asks Benoit to shake his hand.
Benoit shakes his hand.


MVP says that isn’t enough and demands he raise his hand, and accept that Benoit is the past and MVP is the future. This is REALLY good shit by the way. MVP may VERY WELL be the future. Unfortunately, he’ll never be a world champion with the MVP gimmick in my humble opinion.

Benoit has had enough, and hits him with the Triple Germans, and MVP runs for the hills. Awesome stuff that might just have stretched out this feud a match or two more. Let’s hope the last is a gimmick. Ladder match, maybe? Because this feud has really lended some prestige to a title oft looked down on, and it deserves a big blow off.

That Timbaland song is shown. Do you know that he also did one with Fall Out Boy on that album. Oh the credibility that Timbaland has. At least Jay Z had an excuse and kept it REAL short.

And then Kane used the names of the match and the Pay Per View to great effect in his interview. Something like, ‘I can’t wait for my four way with these three strapping men tonight. Oooh, and then on to a One Night Stand with Edge!’ Something like that.

Match 3:- Worthless vs. Pointless in a FILLER MATCH!! OH JOY.

This isn’t a title match, so Chavo and Jimmy Wang Yang are fighting for fucking beans again in a feud that nobody has even recognised as a feud because it is so worthless that the Million Deutzche notes in Germany after the First World War would have paid for three of these matches, and had change.

Again, Yang looks money out there, reversals and shit abound, at a lightning fast pace, until Chavo kicks him off the top rope and goes for the Generic Chavo Offence. Infact, let’s send Chavo’s offense to the judges.

Randy:- I jus’ wasn’ feelin’ it dawg. Home-boy. Niggah.

Paula Abdul:- I… erm… love the way you are dressed.

Simon Cowell:- Well, how do I put this nicely. Two out of ten,. And one and a half of those marks are pity marks.

Well, there you have it from a ratty English twat, a token black guy and a woman who is famous for dancing with an animated rapping cat. Because THEY are qualifications. Jeez.

Anyway, Chavo with a surfboardy thing, which goes against ALL of his national stereotypes. Anyway, Yang builds back in with some amazing sequences between the two, but he goes for the moonsault, and hurts the leg. Good psychology. Followed by… erm… not so good psychology with the Three Amigo’s. OOH, that must have been truly DEVESTATING to the knee! The shockwaves from landing so gently on his back surely JOLTED it with a tremendous amount of NOTHING!! And now, the DREADED MOONSAULT! Such contact to the chest could only lead to the COMPRESSED AIR BEING THROWN TOWARDS THE KNEE IN A COMPLETELY UNDEVESTATING MANNER!! Shockingly, this doesn’t work and JWY wins with a hurricanrana. Which ironically would have done a great deal more damage to the knee than a frogsplash.

Winner:- JWY.

Good matches abound tonight. I know I’m bitching, but these are GOOD matches. Except Miz.

Kristall is backstage with Batista. Tonight I will be listening to Batista’s promo through the ears of a dog…

Batista:- ‘Warble oogle murble punderul WALK blurble ooble shurple.’

Roughly translated, this means, ‘The match won’t be fatal for me’. Well, no. But your mic skills might. AGGGH.


Bare with me here, this one will be tough. Oh wait, it’s Kane, Mark Henry, Batista and Finlay! Set those dials to methodical kiddies! And this ‘methodical’ dial goes all the way up to 11!

Anyways, big brawl to start with, with Batista eating announcers table. This match is basically a big ass brawl. I know I usually give some insight into the last match, but everybody is just beating the crap out of each other, and there is not a lot I can say about that other than ‘these guys are plain beating the crap out of each other’. Nobody has a clear advantage. It’s a massacre.

Shilleighleighleigh is brought in, and Henry gets clocked, then Big Teest gets his leg battered… and then Finlay goes out of the ring to beat on Kane some more. Wow. What a fucking twat.

Anyways, Batista decimates everybody to end the match with spears, and then a Bomb to Finlay because he is the only one he can comfortably lift. That’s enough for the pin. I blame Finlay for his stupidity. Edge vs. Teest again in a CAGE IN A CELL IN HELL OR SOMETHING!!!

I would officially give this match Three Niggah’s, but Sean might lose the website. So I raise it two rape victims and a pregnant Catholic.

Stored in the Swagbag:- I’m storing Jimmy Wang Yang, Matt Hardy, Londrick and MVP for their stellar work week after week. This company has a future here if they look in the right direction.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- Kane and Batista for what can only be described as bullshit. Kane CAN work a mic, so that was purely horrible, and Batista needs to stay away from anything that enhances his voice and stick to the stuff enhancing his muscles.

Okay, I’ll do the creative stuff next week if my brother doesn’t have an epileptic fit and hit his head on a desk on the way down, splitting an eyebrow. Oh, you silly, silly epileptic.

Send Feedback to The Anvil's Swagbag 

The Anvil's Swagbag has eight girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).