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SmackDown Rant Archive (May 2006)

May 05, 2006
May 12, 2006
May 19, 2006
May 26, 2006

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (05/05/06)


Lo, I am the Recapper. Speak unto me, children, walk my way, to…no not that way…that’s James’ White Van…HE’S NOT REALLY GOT CANDY you stupid little shits!  Oh fine who am I left with…oh great. You. Anyway, I must soldier on…however, I shall not be doing this alone!


No sir, this week I decided to start a new trend for my recaps by inviting a new guest on for the odd occasion! What better way to ease the load off from these fucking pain in the ass recaps entertain you fine folks at home?


Anyway you may recognise this week’s guest. He is a singer/songwriter, and is the genius behind such masterful lyrics as ‘MAKE ME A SUPERSTARRRRR!’ and ‘CAUSE I’M A SUPERSTARRRRR’. And who of course could forget the awe-inspiring ‘YEEEEEEEEEEEAH’. Mr. Josey Scott, lead singer of Saliva, Ladies and Gentleman!


Now, Josey….I can call you Josey right?




Ah good. So, how often do you watch Smackdown, anyway?




Excellent! You’ll fit right in! Anyway, with that said, let’s get on with the show, shall we?


The show opens with Rey coming out and rubbing it in our faces that he’s champ. JBL however interrupts the proceedings to basically, well, be racist again. That, my friends, is an awesome gimmick right there. Imagine if Lashley is against Booker T, and JBL just walks out and yells ‘NIGGERS!’ before scooting to the back again. Or during Regal vs. Burchill, he runs out, and goes ‘LIMEY BASTARDS’ before driving off in his limo. I’m gonna get lynched aren’t I.


Anyways, JBL does the whole ‘I beat you and Eddie’ thing. I wonder what the fuck these heels would be saying if HHH fucking died. Rey basically responds by saying he won’t back down from a fight, and JBL picks an opponent for Rey and keeps up with his racism by picking a black man to do the work for him. But did it have to be Mark Henry, who now looks to be in the main event AGAIN? Jesus Mary Fuck.


Also, is it just me who finds it ironic that JBL is bashing immigrants yet Tatanka is still on the show?


Feh, first match:


Booker T vs. Gunner Scott


Hey! Gunner has the same last name as you, Josey!




…I…see. Anyway, not a bad match here, like I’ve said before Gunner can hold his own and we all know Booker can put on a great one.


To bottom-line it here; Gunner is your plucky rookie who gained a fluke win, and pretty much almost catches Booker again with the same finishing bridging roll-up, but this time Booker kicks out. And after some distraction from Sharmell, Booker quickly hits a side kick, and scissors kick to pick up the win.


What did I gain from this match? – His real name ISN’T Gunner Scott? Sweet shit, and I sent all that hatemail to his mother…


Post match, Booker jumps on the announce table (good job it wasn’t the Spanish one, it would have collapsed beneath him) and says it’s too bad that Angle got injured, because he was going to kick his ass. Guess he’s still bitter about the whole ‘Jungle Fever’ thing. If anything, though, Angle should be the one regretting that he had to have a lusting for fucking Sharmell. Say, Josey, what do you think should be done with her?




Ah, you have such a way of putting things.


London/Kendrick vs. MNM – WWE Tag Team championship match


Well, the match was announced, but those wily rascals Mercury and Nitro came through the crowd and gave the London and Kendrick the beatdown, so pretty much a non-starter. What a pity, I SO wanted to see MNM job again.


Meh, they’re just saving it for the PPV of course. That reminds me. Surely it would have made more sense for God to appear at Judgement Day then at Backlash? He could make a regular habit of it! He could be like a transcendent Mick Foley, arriving once every year for this PPV, to kick some rookie’s ass but still job to him. Still, the job wouldn’t really matter as we’d be treated to seeing one rookie every year getting struck by lightning. Do it to Lashley and you could recreate that scene in ‘Green Mile’ and have Lashley utter ‘I’m scared of the dark’ before meeting his maker. It’d be awesome!


…Kinda went on a strange tangent there didn’t I?


Speaking of strange, Tatanka is here with a vignette about cleansing the Lakota nation or...something. I wonder if the only reason Vince hired the guy was so that he could ‘cleanse’ the other wrestlers of the steroid abuse? Would explain Masters’ dramatic thinning (Not unlike Sean’s hairline! ZING! Don’t fire me).


Backstage, Theodore Long runs into Daivari and The Great Khali, informing them that at Judgment Day, he’ll meet The Undertaker. Khali’s response: (UNINTELLGIABLE BLARRRRGGHHHH!). He’s as articulate as he is handsome.


The King of the Ring tourney continues, and it’s surely about to be the best match of the lot:


Finlay vs. Chris Benoit – KOTR match


Great technical match here, as one would expect, and is almost worthy of being the final. Finlay wins (which actually surprised me), but not after a well paced 20 minute plus match. Hey, remember when these tournaments had time limits? You don’t? Well, fuck you, then.


Anyway, the whole match is primarily worked on that mat, with both guys working over each other shoulders and arms. Finlay working over Benoit’s to prevent any cross facery from occurring, and Benoit on Finlay because that’s the arm he holds a bottle of Whiskey with. (Irish stereotypes RULE~!)


The finish sees Finlay get discouraged, and go for his shillelagh on the floor, but Benoit nails him and it goes spilling into the ring. Benoit then picks it up, but the referee confiscates it; this of course gives Finlay the chance to grab a chair and jab Benoit in his SURGICALLY REPAIRED NECK (picture me yelling this in classic WWE announcing hyperbole ) and slide back in and hit the Emerald (Isle?) Frosien to advance in the tournament.




Truly inspirational.




You know, I think I just spotted the exact point where SD has taken its weekly ‘dip’ into mediocre. They started off good, and lead up to a great match, but they follow it up with this:


Gymini w/ Simon Dean vs. Scotty 2 Hotty & Funaki


Scotty and Funaki? Ah yes, COMPLETELY understandable combination. I mean, take the ‘a’ out of Funaki and what have you got! Exactly! Pity it doesn’t pay off though, as Gymini obliterate them.


Oh ya, Gymini destroy Funaki and Scotty because they’re big and Scotty & Funaki aren’t. They finish with their finisher that I’ve already forgotten. (Think a short arm double side walk slam, only done by guys you don’t care enough about to marvel over its ingenuity).


What did I gain from this match? – Funaki’s from Japan right? If he did the Worm, would it be called the Mothra? (Ha, only utter geeks are going to get that)


Ah we have a good looking match now. Maybe SD has learned from its silly ways:


Cruiserweight Number 1 Contenders match – Kid Kash vs. Super Crazy vs. Nunzio


Oh for the love of…just when I think the match is going so well, they decide to have Great fucking Khali come out and destroy them all. Way to crush an entire division, you big goofy looking fucking FUCK.


Result: No contest! And is Khali wearing pajamas? That’s not very hoss like.




Shut the FUCK up, Scott. And just to piss me off even more, here’s your main event:


Big Stupid Fat Fuck (Mark Henry) w/Funny Racist (JBL) vs. Little Midget Bastard (Rey-Rey) Non-Title match.


Do not tell me that for injuring two of their biggest stars, this guy is getting a Goddamn push. Funny that he’s paired with JBL, who got the title after the whole ‘Nazi’ thing. Actually, that’s not funny…that’s scary. Henry actually has a chance of winning the title in the future? That’s more sacrilege than making God job to you for fuck sake. It’s as if Vince wants to go to Hell by putting us through it first. Not only this, but Henry actually goes over Rey. What a crock of shit.


Anyway, the match is not all the bad, but that’s because Rey is awesome. Henry dominates early on with his power, but eventually Rey mounts a comeback, and throws the big man off his game, hitting and moving. I myself would have just thrown a full cheeseburger into the crowd, and that way you could at least count on getting the win by count-out when Mizark goes tearing after it. Anyway, JBL is on commentary here, and at one point, he gets out of his chair and approaches the ring, but Rey baseball slides him in the back sending him flying into the table. Henry looks to have things well in hand (hands that can tear PHONE BOOKS in half!!!!) when he catches Rey off a cross body and looks for his World’s strongest slam, but Rey counters it into a spinning ddt. He then hits the springboard senton, and 619, but is unfortunately caught a second time and spiked with the Strongest slam and pinned. Clean. Dear lord.


What did I gain from this match? – A bad mood and utter demonic hatred for WWE.


End show.


What pleased me? – Well Benoit and Finlay put on a great showing as well as Booker/Gunner, but I’m afraid it couldn’t outweigh the bad for me.


What pissed me off? – I try to be positive about this show, I really do, but this took it too far. No Burchill or Regal? Or Lashley? Undertaker? Khali ruining an otherwise good match? MARK FUCKING HENRY? It needs to stop.


Anyway, thanks for joining me, readers, and thank you, Josey. We shall see each other again I’m sure. What did you think of the show?




Oh I don’t blame you man. I really don’t.



 Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (05/12/06)


First off, I just want to let you all know, that TWF called ME for a job. I didn’t ask them, they called ME. Because they had HUMILIATED, and FIRED (AGAIN) Christopher Freda. And from week ONE, week after week, I was given an ongoing lecture about the differences with ‘writing’…and ‘Satire’. I’m not allowed to say ‘Todd Grisham’ I’m not allowed to say ‘Todd’. I have to refer to him as ‘Tard Grisham’. I’m told to deliberately ignore the moves and holds on the recaps, so I can tell jokes. Well if you ask me, that is DAMN INSULTING.


And because of this, I get pulled from the Wrestlemania rant. I’m a website guy though, so I swallowed the bitter pill. But then, I get bumped from BACKLASH? I’m not good enough to rant about BACKLASH? I am SICK of satire. I am SICK of ‘White Vans’ and ‘Demented Diatribes’, jokes about Stephanie’s weight, and Pat Patterson being gay, and I am SICK of our Boss, who likes to talk about his own PENIS and mocks Triple H he MOCKS TRIPLE H. And messages myspace chicks all to feed his insatiable ego. But most of all, I am SICK of the smarks who buy into this satire CRAP.


I never needed this job, and I don’t WANT this job anymore.





…With that being said, welcome to this week’s Lowdown on Smackdown recap!


Show is starting off with JBL, who proves the whole ‘nazi’ thing wasn’t a joke, it was his actual opinion by spouting off more racism. Gotta love it. He basically says after Judgement Day Rey’s family should work for him, with Rey cutting the grass. I doubt that would be a good idea seeing as once Rey goes onto a lawn it resembles some key scenes from Honey I Shrunk the Kids….


JBL then says if Rey doesn’t want to work for him, he could deal drugs. What, and muscle in on Lex Luger’s territory? Good luck getting through that with your windpipe intact. Anyway Rey runs out then attacks JBL as referees struggle to get control of a midget.


Aaaand it’s time for the first match:


Super Crazy vs. Nunzio vs. Kid Kash – Number One Contenders match


Gregory Helms joins us on commentary, and remarks on how he got sick of having to sign kid’s autographs. Well, writing ‘dear Johnny, thanks for letting me write you an autograph, your biggest fan, Hurricane’ isn’t exactly the kid’s fault is it? Anyway, fast paced match, lots of quick near falls, and nice spots like Kid Kash hitting a springboard moonsault, and a moonsault by Super Crazy onto Kash. Match ends when Nunzio puts Crazy up on his shoulders but Crazy hits a victory roll for the pin.


What did I gain from this match? – So, JBL bashes Mexicans, but WWE is still pushing one to get a title? It’s like they’re screaming ‘WE REALLY AREN’T RACIST! SRSLY!’


Backstage now and Angle does the absolutely UNTHINKABLE and tells Teddy Long he wants Mark Henry. On your own there, pal. Long informs him he can’t give him the match because Angle isn’t cleared to wrestle, so Angle gets pissed but its somewhat appeased when Long tells him he’ll get Henry at Judgement Day. Thanks, Angle, you asshole.


Next match is:


Gymini vs. Jobbers in Squash match


Really, who cares how this one went? Seriously? Do you even wish to know who won? (If so I’m pretty worried about your lack of common sense). Gymini win after a shitty squash match with their finisher.


What did I gain from this match? – Well, Smackdown immediately breaks the trend of the first half of the show being decent.


Booker T then gives his comments on Angle, saying he wished Henry didn’t injure him,  but says Angle is still scared. He decides he is the winner after giving Angle 10 seconds to come out (Hell, if it was JBL he wouldn’t have to wait 5 seconds). He then does a Spinarooni. Oh that is so 4 years ago, ya big thilly.



Lashley vs, Finlay – KOTR Semi-Final


Decent match here. Lashley dominates at first until Finlay escapes from the ring. By now however Booker and the world’s first black Harpy have come back out and sat at  the throne to watch the match. I love how Cole mentions Booker’s black eye but Tazz doesn’t take any notice whatsoever. Lashley hits Finlay with a belly to belly the na running powerslam, but doesn’t manage to chuck the spear after Finlay catches him with a knee to the head. Finlay then grabbed his shilleellelallyelALEEEYEEAAHLEEEYEAAAHLEEEEEYEEEAHH!…stick. Hmm, looks like Finlay just got Hassan’d. Anyway, Finlay uses said stick to distract the ref but then nails Lashley with the chair to the back, but Lashlry comes right back and chucks the spear for the win!


What did I gain from this match? – It’s a stick, alright? There’s no way I’m spelling it correctly each and every bloody week. I am SICK of its spelling…AND SEMEN.


Post match, Lashley gets on the mic and tells Booker he’s ‘sitting in my seat’. I knew black people could be territorial but come on, can’t we all be bruthas here?


MNM are out now and tell everyone they are the sexiest tag team in WWE. They tell us they attacked Kendrick and London because they don’t like being embarrassed. Then, Melina calls London and Kendrick ‘punk kids’. Jillian for some reason comes out and wants a fight with Melina, but this is simply a distraction so that Kendrick and London can disprove the punk kids comments by de-pantsing MNM. HOLY SHIT, THESE GUYS ARE A REAL THREAT. Better wear suspenders next time, eh, MNM?


Oh my word, if there is proof God doesn’t exist its this following match:


Paul Burchill vs. Mark Henry


Why is this happening? Burchill is undefeated on SD, .then jobs to HENRY? Without getting any offense in? why? Henry even gets on the mic and BRAGS about it. This is fucking terrible, I can’t even think straight. Henry just won…oh shit.


What did I lose from this match? – my will to live


Ooookay, weird segment up next. Vito tells Nunzio theyre gonna go partying later, to cheer Nunzio up. After Vito leaves, Orlando Jordan appears and tells Nunzio that he saw Vito dressed in drag. Hmm. Maybe he thought Regal had a new gimmick? Who knows and really, who cares.


Rey Mysterio vs. GRRRRRRRRREAT Khali w/ Daivari – Non Title match


About the only thing that’s of any interest here is the fact that Khali wins here,  and the HUMONGOUS size difference. Rey attacks JBL whilst he’s on commentary, but goes back into the ring and meets a shove from Khali that sends him all the way back out. Khali does the same thing when Rey re-enters, so Rey tries a springboard dropkick which doesn’t even make Khali flinch. COS HES BIG RAWR. Anyway, JBL manages to get a punch on Rey, sends him back I nthe ring, and is hit with a chokebomb by Khali for 3. Wow.


What did I gain from this match? – did you not hear me? BIIIG RAAAWR


Post match JBL says Rey has one more opponent next week, as the show goes off the air.


What pleased me? – Very VERY little.  Lashley vs. Finlay was a good match, and the cruisers put on a great showing


What pissed me off? – EVERYTHING. ELSE. Burchill losing his streak to that TUB OF SHIT? Khali going over the champ? Vito in drag? Just what the hell, man?


Oh God, now I see what drove Gonzo to the booze…see you next week when I bring you more LSD, and possibly throw up my intestines in horror.



 Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (05/19/06)


And here we go again, another week full of the LSD stuffs that only I may provide. Well, I say only I, however this week I decided to bring in another guest!
Yes sir, after the RIP-ROARING success of Josey Scott’s unintelligible rants and ‘songs’, I have had all sorts of emails from stars wanting to co-recap Smackdown with me! One can only wonder what the hell they are on to want to watch SD, as it must be a hell of a lot stronger than any effects LSD has…however, only one man stood above the candidates for me, and this week I bring him to you, in all his uncensored glory…this week, the Lowdown on Smackdown will be presented by me, Joe Merrick, and the IRON SHEIK!
Great to have ya here, Sheiky!
Sheik: I’m glad you asked me that, Joe Merrick. You very clever writer! The great feeling all time I have, all my life, it was this night, Madison Squa- I mean, uhh, your desk.
Well, you’re easy to please! Let’s get on with this then, shall we?
JBL rides out and tells us he’s going to beat Rey at Judgement Day just like he beat Eddie. I know most people have short attention spans these days but JBL seems to spout the ‘beating Eddie Guerrero’ thing a hell of a lot lately, almost uncontrollably. Guerrettes, maybe? AHA. Did ya GEDDIT. I made a funny. He also said Rey will never forget tonight, but you can bet your ass that we all will like to by the end…I’m in the zone!
Six-person Tag Match - MNM vs. Jillian Hall, Paul Kondon and Brian Lendrick…damn it.
Not a bad match to start off with, featuring Kendrick getting pounded like a..Spanked..Monkey..because he’s called Spanky or..something…I WILL make that joke one day, bah gawd. London gets in and clears house, and a catfight ensues between Jillian and Melina...although from a distance, it could be Nitro and London..actually, ya know what, it could be any one of them except the ref. Anywho it’s broken up and I’m sure we were all gutted that the two ladies were no longer scratching each other. HOW HOT IS THAT? WHO NEEDS INTERNET PORN?
Sheik: LASbians!
Aptly put, Sheik. Anyway, Mercury and Nitro are thrown out and Melina is trapped, and walks straight into crossbody from the top by Jillian. Hmm, I think when fans asked Vince for ‘more women going down on each other’ he didn’t fully comprehend the request.
London, Kendrick and Hall (LKH? Nah, that’s not funny is it) are the winners.
What did I gain from this match? – MNM are the tag champs? Oooh.
The King of the Ring throne is now out as Lashley enters, ready to squash the bejesus out of a jobber. Not really worth recapping as it’s just your typical squash. Afterwards, Lashley sits on the throne to observe the next match.
Chris Benoit & Gunner Scott vs. Booker T & Finlay w/ Sharmell
Good psychology in this match, I thought. Gunner being the youngster who gets some good shots on Finlay, but the inexperience being his downfall as Booker and Finlay work on his disadvantage. Gunner finally gets the tag to Benoit though who kicks ass. Booker comes back though and works on Benoit, slamming him into the steps, yet Finlay uses his stick secretly. Apparently NO WEAPONS ARE LEGAL…except the huge-ass metal steps that can bust you wahd open. Benoit kicks out from some pin attempts, as you can never keep a good Canadian down. Ask the girls Sean’s slept with. Not one has found him in their bed the next morning…
Gunner gets tagged in and…gets beat up again. A brawl ensues with Benoit and Finlay leaving the ring. Booker gets a wee bit too cocky with Gunner and ends up getting hit with a Crucifix pin for 3! Good match.
What did I gain from this match? – Um…Benoit and Gunner won? Hey, I can’t gain a lot of things from EVERY match ya know.
Lashley simply smirks and shrugs from the throne. Man, he has no respect.
Sheik: …for his sport! He’s not a PROFESHNULL.
Damn right, Sheik! Anyway, Tatanka is out next, trying to join the Lakota tribe or some shit. Nice to see Smackdown is still pushing its young up-and-coming stars, right, Burchill?
Burchill: …When I close my eyes..I still see it…that…big huge black mass tearing towards me…
Burchill: Oh…towarrrrrrrrds me.
That’s better. Speaking of which, here’s your best mate now, Paulie!
Mark Henry vs. Matt Hardy – Soul Brutha against Tortured Soul
So apparently these guys are battling for the rights of having ‘MH’ as their initials. Well not really but I’d like to at least pretend that either of them are in an actual storyline. Hardy hits his leg drop but Henry counters his Side Effect and Twist of Fate attempts. They really do want to make us believe the lighter wrestlers are dumb as shit don’t they? What ASSHOLE thinks a Side Effect is going to work when you can’t get the guy off his feet? Seriously? Why not try Tombstoning Taker next? Henry wins after the World’s Strongest Slam (Although hard to argue it’s all that strong is it can only pick up guys like Hardy)
What did I gain from this match? – Mark Henry > Talent, apparently.
Right about now Daivari is out with Khali, who gets on the mic again and rambles on AGAIN. I’m starting to wonder if Regal should take Khali under HIS wing, and teach him some fucking English.
*Cut to…oh man, it’s been a while*
Regal: Now…the Cat. Sat.On the Mat.
Regal: …better.
*Cut back*
Oh man, almost felt nostalgic doing that.
JBL blesses the commentators with his company once more. Awesome, more racism. For that matter, what’s Tazz anyway? Black? Tazmanian? I dunno. Anyway Rey is out to a HUGE pop. JBL mocks Rey on the mic and suggests he doesn’t even know what date Friday is…Awww he remembered Cameron’s birthday! Yasee, Cameron! Not just Gersh who cares!
Seriously though, Rey is dumb enough to take the bait and goes ‘May 19th!’ to which JBL replies ‘I didn’t say it!’ BOOM. It’s Kane’s pyro. Either that or Finlay just bombed Burchill’s dressing room. Or Daivari bombed Kurt Angle’s. Hey, not my fault I’m racist. I saw JBL do it.
Sheik: Make him HUM-BELL!

Yeah I know how you do that, Sheiky. And I’m afraid that’s not gonna stop JBL, dude.
Rey Mysterio vs. Kane – No Logic Whatsoever Match
Right, so our main even is Rey vs. Kane…an SD guy vs. a RAW guy. For no reason. As much as I’m a mark for Kane, I don’t see the point in this unless the whole ‘May 19th’ thing actually culminates here. As for the match itself, it’s pretty much the last two main events featuring Rey only more grunting due to Kane. After Rey takes a beating the red lights, flaming mask and voices appear, the latter chanting May 19th over and over. This causes Rey to find an opportunity to hit a 619. Kane counters the springboard though, and JBL tells Kane to destroy Rey because ‘he’s the one who said May 19th’. Well done, jackhole. Kane chokeslams him for the goof. He then exits, leaving Rey and JBL on the floor, decimated. Is that it? Wow, it is.
What did I gain from this match? - …Kane was here why?
End show.
What pleased me? –  Much like Remy’s sex life it’s getting to be very scarce at this point. Some good matches here and there including the tags
What pissed me off? – There was way too much that made no sense here. Kane’s May 19th story not even culminating into something, Vito’s drag thing not being mentioned (That’s a good thing but still), Khali’s “promo”…What the fuck is going on?
Well, Sheik, thanks for joining us, do you have any parting words?
Sheik: You a punk, you a fag, you punk little gay.
Oh yeah? At least my ‘bastard brother in law’ didn’t try to kill me.
Take it easy, Recapees!

 Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (05/26/06)


Evenin’ all, and welcome to this week’s LSD Recap of Smackdown, the only Recap that moonlights as a Spanish teacher, and plays Scrabble in its spare time. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I am totally not funny this week.


So let’s continue shall we!


I gotta say, I’m not really expecting much this week, I now have Recapper’s Syndrome. The symptoms include boredom, depression, frustration, and in some cases, blades to the eyes to stop the agony. Yes I start things on a good note.


JBL is out and says he just witnessed the greatest travesty at Judgement Day. Looks like he didn’t like the Khali match either. JBL basically says Rey’s win was a fluke, and calls Rey out. Rey comes out and then says it wasn’t a fluke, and that he is a fighting champion, unlike JBL and his US title. JBL says he is proud to be the US champ, but Rey decides to make JBL have a title match so brings out…Lashley


Ah well, least we got a relatively interesting match up first:


Lashley (My Nigga) vs. JBL (The Man) – Us Title Match


Interesting match, despite having gone through this feud already. Starts off with a thumb to the eye from JBL, which is shrugged off by the soft spoken one. Lashley dominates until JBL counters a charge with a big boot. JBL goes for the Clothesline from Hell but Lashley ducks, and chucks the spear! He covers him for 3!


….WHAT? Holy shit, Lashley gets his push! Maybe Vince was asleep when the writers sneaked in the stipulation? Makes sense to me.


What did I gain from this match? – A Soft-Spoken Champion! How heartwarming.


Backstage, JBL has a tantrum at Teddy Long, who shows ZERO TOLERANCE for such shenanigans and immaturity by way of….offering him a World Title shot? Eh? Oh hey, Teddy? I lost my train fare earlier. GIMME A MILLION BUCKS. That sure taught me a lesson in losing things…Anyways, apparently the stip is that if JBL loses, he must quit Smackdown. That makes no sense. Teddy, you don’t go risking one of your top names like that do you? Hmm? Ya think maybe it’s time to hang up the old white suit and only say ‘holla!’ when you want your medication from the nurse? Yeeeah I think so.



Tatanka vs. Simon Dean


Aha, a battle of who has the best cleansing method. Tatanka’s ancient prophecies vs. the Simon System! Natural and traditional methods against artificial products and commercialism! Nature vs. Science! The ramifications of this are enormous! The very metaphor, meaning, and significance of this match are just phenomenal when you think about it (which I am because let’s be real, I have to take SD off my mind somehow) Anyways, yes, this match truly is like God vs. Mankind itself, and only the Lord knows who-…oh. Tatanka won. Meh.


What did I gain from this match? – Oh well, guess Vince woke up when he heard the words ‘establishing talent’ whispered.


Backstage Hardy is with Long when Heyman arrives. Hardy leaves as Heyman calls him a ‘hell of a talent’. He then proceeds to compliment Long, who responds by saying he doesn’t like or trust Heyman. I suppose things kinda fell apart when they went to the movie to see See No Evil and Heyman kept blurting out GORE GORE GORE during a death scene. Heyman leaves, saying he doesn’t wish to raid talent. Well, WWE is hardly the place to go to nowadays.


Mark Henry vs. Chris Benoit


Oh no. This is scary right now. Please, God, kick out of Vince’s lateral press and STOP HENRY FROM GETTING HIS PUSH.  And for God’s sake the band Three 6 mafia being there makes Henry look so much more important than he EVER WILL BE. Anyway, what a crock of shit this turns out to be. Benoit doing his best and getting as much as possible out of Henry, credit to him, but I’m afraid you can only have so much uses for shit. Yes, that was an awful metaphor.


Match ends when…erm, I don’t know actually. Henry is in the middle of crushing Benoit into the ringpost on the outside and the bell rings. The hell? No one tells us if it was a DQ, countout or what but yet again Henry walks out, victory intact. You can tell he’s shit when the management have to get him over without actually winning a match.


Right now, Darth Vader is looking at this and thinking ‘fuck Padme, this is serious shit!’


What did I gain from this match? – My happy place is dead now! YOU KILLED IT..


Post match, Henry keeps attacking Benoit, because he’ll be damned if someone with talent goes over him.


Brian Kendrick & Paul London vs. Nunzio and Vito


Watching WWE try to pretend it has a tag division is like watching a retard climb a wall. He might try, bless him, but he’s too backward now. Anyway, not a bad match I suppose, and anything that gets Nunzio some TV time that isn’t a cruiserweight battle-fucking-royal is alright to me.


Anyway, match ends when Kendrick pins Nunzio with his finisher "sliced bread #2" after about 3 minutes. Not a bad match.


Your winners are the ROHd Warriors (Tm James Walker)


What did I gain from this match? – Hey, what with Vito’s alleged crossdressing, shouldn’t he be called Vita?


*Crickets chirping*


….too soon?


Bah. Anyway, William Regal is now out, hosting the coronation for Booker T, and I dare someone to say to Booker ‘Hey! I didn’t know they sold crowns at Wendy’s!’ because that’d be swell.




Finlay vs. Paul Burchill


I want three things from this match. Burchill to win, NO LEPRECHAUNS, and Finlay to powerbomb Burchill just so I can be an asshole and say he ‘bombed’ him. Yes, I reflect taste.


Anyway, I’m seriously loving Burchill, but I can’t abide with him getting buried like he has been doing. A feud between these two could be great, it could be Shil Stick vs. Sword! Because that’s the only thing I can come up with! And yet I’m part of a site that bashes WWE for its lack of creativity! I need to lay off the caffeine….!




Meh. I got none of the three. Burchill jobs again (in a squash. Clean, with Finlay's finisher), no bombs, and the leprechaun comes out after the match and attacks Burchill. Oh you never heardabout the leprechaun? Haha, yeah. Anyway, Finlay seems to be making it work, kind of.


And finally it is our main event, aka JBL’s punishment for losing to a huge muscular monster, now fighting one of Batista’s huge roid turds. (That explains DAVE’s constant straining and face contortion).


Rey Mysterio w/ Chavo Guerrero vs. JBL – World Heavyweight Title Match


JBL starts off dominating the match, which is to be expected. The match is pretty typical of big guy vs. small guy, with JBL dominating and Rey hitting back with short bursts of attacks to the legs. At one point, JBL does the Latino Heat taunt just to prove that no one in the WWE anywhere knows how to just MOVE ON.


Anyway, match goes on like this, including a sweet looking powerbomb by JBL to counter a West Coast Pop attempt. At one point, JBL goes outside for a chair and whacks Chavo with it (probably because he really preferred Kerwin). He doesn’t get to use it on Rey, however, who manages to hit a swinging DDT, a 619, and drops the dime for the pin!


And Rey is your winnah! JBL now must quit, and he doesn’t look too happy about it.


What did I gain from this match? – Oh noes, now JBL has nowhere else to go! Long sure showed him, after all there isn’t any supposed RIVAL BRAND TO SMACKDOWN for JBL to take refuge.


What pleased me? – JBL/Rey was an excellent encounter, about the only really good thing on SD the last few weeks


What pissed me off? – Henry. Pure and simple. He does not deserve this monumental push, and everyone knows it


Well that’s about it from me, readers, don’t forget to check out the rest of the site, and I’ll be back next week, as ever, with my patented super duper recappy marvelousness. Yes indeed.

 Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).