Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (03/06/09)
The show opens with a recap of all the Monday night shenanigans that concerned Edge, namely his match with Cena and his subsequent discovery of Big Show being named #1 Contender. Seriously, Big Show? This is shaping up to be one incredibly lame WrestleMania. Tonight, the contract signing for Edge vs. Big Show (incredibly disgruntled sigh) will take place, as well as an epic (and totally never seen before) battle between Triple H and Umaga.
But before al that far more fast-paced action takes place, we get Undertaker slowly making his way down to the ring. Once finally there, 'Taker launches into his usual spiel about how everyone tries to break The Streak at 'Mania, how Shawn Michaels is no different from all the rest, and how it all pisses him off. UT's voice sounds incredibly normal and un-zombie like tonight. Undertaker accepts Shawn's challenge and a video of all of Shawn's WrestleMania matches suddenly starts playing, provi ng there's more than just the zipline, the match with Ric Flair, and breaking Mr. McMahon through a table while a garbage can is over his head. Undertaker says Shawn doesn't stand a chance and recalls what he said to Shawn at the Royal Rumble. And if it's hell getting to Heaven, than it sure must be easy to get to Hell. The Hardy's both have Money in the Bank qualifying matches tonight as we go to commercials that I won't think about because I can't see them (sorry Commercial Thought lovers!).
Back from the break, Vickie is in her office on the phone with...somebody when Jeff Hardy pops in. Vickie asks Jeff if he wants to fight Matt, but Jeff shoots her down and promises to qualify for MitB tonight, win the match, and challenge either Big Show or Edge after their match. Seriously, why has nobody ever done that before? Has no one ever thought of challenging the champ right after their match at WrestleMania?
Matt Hardy vs. MVP (Money in the Bank Qualifying Match)
It's kinda nice to see the roles reversed here. Matt is the exciting heel instead of the boring face and MVP is the awesome face instead of the awesome heel. Let's face it, MVP is awesome. On a side note, how much does MitB suck right now? Just CM Punk and two fat guys? When you pass up guys like John Morrison and Kofi Kingston for Mark Henry, you need to be sent to a psych ward.
After the obligatory lock-up, MVP slips in a roll-up for 1. He works a waistlock from there until Matt escapes and slams him into the turnbuckle. MVP counters with a drop toe hold and goes for the Playmaker, but Matt escapes and goes for a clothesline, only to whiff. NON-EXISTENT COMMERCIALS!
We return to Matt working a headlock, having used his newly acquired heel powers to take control during the break. MVP manages to break free, but Matt gets in an elbow to the face and chokes MVP in the ropes for 2. Matt goes back to the headlocks, but MVP fights out and hits an overhead throw for 2, followed by a quick forearm to the face for 2. MVP slams Matt into his knee and follows up with the Ballin' elbow for 2. Matt tries a side effect, but MVP counters it into a roll-up for 2. Matt goes for another side effect and this time it connects, but when he goes for the Twist of Fate (outta nowhere!), MVP counters it into a roll-up for the win.
WINNER: MVP. But still, no high-flyers in Money in the Bank yet? Evan Bourne better make it in as soon as he gets back or else this match is gonna suck. Jeff faces Shelton Benjamin later tonight.
We get a brief little skit of Miz and Morrison mocking the Colons with butt masks that have googly eyes. When they sneeze, they fart and they use toilet paper for tissues. It's awesome, right down to the moustache drawn on the one that's supposed to be Primo. Next week, Miz and Morrison put the World Tag Team titles on the line against the Colons.
Divas Champion Maryse vs. Eve Torres (Non-Title Match, Michelle McCool is on Commentary)
Eve goes after Maryse early on and hits an enziguri to send her out of the ring. Maryse counters by bouncing Eve's head off the ropes and slamming her face into the turnbuckle for 2. A chinlock is worked until Eve gets out and hits a pair of dropkicks for 2. Eve goes up top for a crossbody, but misses, allowing Maryse to hit a DDT for the win.
WINNER: Maryse. Post-match, Melina runs in to attack Maryse, but during the attack, Michelle gets in on the fun and attacks Melina, taking her out by tossing her into the ring post. The contract signing is next.
Vickie is out for the contract signing and tries to ramble on about the match, but Edge's music hits to cut her off as he heads for the ring. Edge says he won't sign anything until he finds out what is going on between Big Show and her. Could Big Show be returning to his home-wrecking ways? Vickie tries to say their relationship is strictly business, but Edge isn't buying it and neither am I, damnit! Big Show comes out much to my dismay and says it's time to tell Edge the truth: he's not a good champi on. LIES! Vickie looks relieved as Show repeats their relationship is strictly business. Saying it more only makes it less true. Show signs the contract, as Edge says he's better than Big Show and that's why he'll beat him. Before Edge can sign, John Cena's music starts and he runs down to the ring. Cena takes out Big Show with a shot from the title belt and takes Edge out by THROWING THE TABLE AT HIM. Well, that's original. Cena whispers something in Vickie's ear and takes off, leaving a wake of epic destr uction behind him.
Back from the commercials I can't see or think about, Edge and Vickie are in Vickie's office. While Vickie is near tears, Edge is ticked at Cena for ruining the contract signing as opposed to throwing a table at him. Vickie says the contract signing will take place on RAW, then breaks down into tears. Edge weakly consoles her by putting his hand on her shoulder. What a guy!
Jeff Hardy vs. United States Champion Shelton Benjamin (Non-Title Money in the Bank Qualifying Match)
Now that I understand what Gold Standard really means (the belief that the United States should only exchange gold for legal currency, as opposed to silver), Shelton Benjamin's nickname...still makes no sense.
Shelton starts things off with an exploder suplex for 2. A Northern lights suplex gets 2, as does a snap suplex. Jeff manages to get in a punch, but Shelton ducks a flying Jeff to send him out of the ring. Outside the ring, the two brawl before Jeff slams Shelton into the barricade, then dives onto him. BREAK.
We return to Shelton working over Jeff's back, hitting a backbreaker for 2. Another backbreaker is turned into a submission, which Jeff punches his way out of. Shelton regains control by hitting driving the knees into Jeff's back, but Jeff is quick to counter with a legdrop to the groin and a low dropkick for 2. Matt Hardy starts heading for the ring. Could we see shenanigans? A clothesline that only gets 2 is followed by a Whisper in the Wind and a Twist of Fate. Matt enters the ring, stares at Jeff, and punches Shelton in the face to draw the DQ.
WINNER BY DQ: Shelton Benjamin.
A RAW Recap. Trips's face was so close to Orton's I'm surprised Orton didn't lose an eye to that nose. This is followed by a quick look at John Cena's character in 12 Rounds. Big deal. I still don't know what the guy eats for breakfast. You know it's an in-depth look when they tell you what they eat for breakfast.
WWE Champion Triple H vs. Umaga (Non-Title Match)
Triple H starts off with some punches, but Umaga is quick to fire back some headbutts. Trips bounces back with a clothesline, allowing him to control for a bit until Umaga hits a big kick to the face. A splash follows, as do some more headbutts. A legdrop gets 2. Trips gets in a facebuster, but when Umaga counters with a smack to the face. Umaga charges Triple H, but HHH pulls down the ropes, causing Umaga to fall out of the ring and land awkwardly on his leg. Suddenly, Legacy surrounds the ring. They gang up on Trips and begin to beat on him, with HHH getting in a sporadic spurt of offense here and there. I kid you not when I say this goes on for about 4 minutes before Legacy gains control and allows Orton to beat the shit out of Triple H with some kicks to the face. Orton taunts as Trips struggles to reach for him.
WINNER BY DQ: Triple H. If you can call that a win. I wouldn't.
Well, that does it for another edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown. Join me next week and check out all the other great stuff on the site from our AWESOME staff.
But before we get to the recap, I have to talk about a special someone. Or should I say a "spizecial sizomeone"? That's right, our dearly despised friend Kizarny got the boot (bizoot?) after wrestling ONE SINGLES MATCH. A match so bad that it caused MVP to turn face right in the middle of it. So happy trails (hizappy trizails?) Kizarny! Good luck getting your job back at the Kizarnival! And trust me, all these izzle-bizzle jokes are nothing compared to what I REALLY wanted to do, which would be write this e ntire recap in izzle-bizzles to honor our favorite carny-turned-wrestler (kizarny-tizurned-wrizestler?). OK, I'll stop.
Tonight, The Undertaker will knock Vladimir Kozlov down a few rungs on the ladder to success for beating him two weeks ago and Matt Hardy will tell all. All about what? Fishing? Car engines? I don't know.
World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. Kofi Kingston (Non-title Match)
After the obligatory lock-up, Kofi works a headlock, then transitions to an armbar, only to go back to the headlock. He hits a clothesline for 2, but Edge recovers and works a headlock of his own. Kofi escapes, but gets shoulderblocked. Kofi rebounds with a dropkick that sends Edge out of the ring as we go to the BREAK.
Back from the BREAK, Edge has used the evil powers present in commercials to take control. Edge tosses Kofi into a corner for 2 and works a waistlock. Kofi escapes, but Edge hits a flapjack slam for 2. Edge goes to the top rope, but Kofi knocks him off, kicks him off the apron, and dives onto Edge once he's out of the ring. Back in the ring, Kofi takes Edge down with some punches and clothesline, then hits the "Boom Boom Boom" legdrop and a splash for 2. A hurricarana also gets 2. Edge manages to toss Kofi from the ring, but Kofi counters by tossing Edge into the steel steps. Kofi rolls Edge into the ring and hits a high cross body for 2. Edge gets in a big boot and looks to hit the spear, but Kofi reverses into a roll-up for 2. Edge blocks an attempted Trouble in Paradise and locks in the sharpshooter for the submission victory.
World Tag Team Champions John Morrison & The Miz vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Primo & Carlito W/ The Bella Twins (World Tag Team Title Match)
Morrison and Carlito start things off, with Carlito getting in several roll-ups, each of them getting one. Morrison comes back with some punches, but Carlito hits a knee lift and a clothesline for 2. Tag to Primo, who covers after a double team move for 2. Morrison takes off and tags to Miz, who promptly walks into a Primo Russian legsweep. Tag to Carlito and a double diving clothesline gets 2. Miz gets back on the offensive with a facecrusher legsweep and tags to Morrison. The two hit that a wesome double team they do (that thing really needs a name) for 2. Miz tags back in and the duo hits a double gutbuster. Tag back to Morrison and Carlito is slammed into the ropes for 2. Morrison works a headlock, but Carlito escapes and tags to Primo, who hits several clotheslines, an elbow, and a dropkick for 2. Primo hits a splash, tosses Miz, and tags to Carlito. Carlito hits a clothesline for 2. Miz takes out Primo and Carlito takes out Miz, but Carlito walks right into the Moonlight Drive.
WINNERS AND STILL WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Miz and Morrison. The Bellas leave with Miz and Morrison because they're not losers with bad hair and freaky moustaches. Primo looks like he's about to cry. Aw, poor baby.
MVP and R-Truth vs. Chavo Guerrero and US Champion Shelton Benjamin
Chavo and R-Truth start things off, with Truth hitting an armdrag followed by a dropkick for 2. Tag to MVP, who slams Chavo then drops a knee on him for 2. Tag back to Truth, who is quickly taken down and punched by Chavo. Chavo tries to tag Shelton, but Shelton refuses, so R-Truth hits a back suplex. Shelton finally tags himself in while Chavo is in the corner and hits a knee to the stomach for 2. More knees to the gut are followed by a gutbuster for 2. Tag to Chavo, who hits a belly-to-belly supl ex for 2. Tag back to Shelton, who works over the arm as MVP gets an "R-Truth" chant going. Truth escapes with a bulldog and tags to MVP, who comes in with a HOUSE OF-overhead toss for 2? An elbow to the face also gets 2. A knee to the face is followed by everybody's favorite move, the Ballin' Elbow, for 2. Chavo takes out R-Truth and MVP tosses Chavo, but turns around into Paydirt.
WINNERS: Shelton Benjamin and Chavo Guerrero
We get a replay of Jeff being screwed by Matt last week. Matt makes his way to the ring so he can finally tell all. Still no idea what he'll tell all about, though. Matt says Jeff will continue to suffer from bad luck unless he fights him. Matt Hardy can control luck? Sure would be awesome to have him around. Matt says tonight he will make Jeff listen to him and brings up WrestleMania 24, where Jeff was suspended and Matt was injured. Of course, because Matt was face and boring at the time, everyone cared a bout Jeff and forgot about Matt. Then Matt brings up the accidents Jeff suffered more recently and FINALLY admits he was the one who caused them. Well, he implies it, but it's good enough for me, damnit. Then Matt hits the mega-low-blow by bringing up the house fire and the death of Jeff's dog Jack in said fire. He pulls out a dog collar from his pocket and says it was Jack's. Um, wow. This is rapidly becoming a candidate for "Most Disgusting Promotional Tactics". And how did Jeff never notice the dog colla r? Don't they visit each other or something (well, pre-break-up). And if he didn't notice it, was Matt carrying it around in his pocket this whole time? Creepy. Anyway, Jeff comes out, says he's shocked Matt would do all these horrible things to him, and realizes that Matt hates him, but tells Matt he really hates himself. Jeff attacks, but Matt scurries out of the ring and fires off the usual half-assed heel apologies before walking away, smiling evilly.
Divas Champion Maryse and Michelle McCool vs. Maria and Womens Champion Melina
Maria and McCool start things off. Maria hits a Thesz press early on, but Michelle comes back with some slams. She chokes Maria in the ropes and knees her in the face. Both ladies go for shoulderblocks and collide with one another. Tags to Maryse and Melina, but only Melina comes in with the HOUSE OF FI-YAH! Clotheslines and a slam get 2. Melina hits a senton, but Maryse recovers quickly and looks to tag Michelle, but a la Shelton Benjamin earlier tonight, she refuses. Melina gets in a cradle for the win.
WINNERS: Maria and Melina. Michelle and Maryse begin to brawl, with the ref restraining Michelle as Maryse takes her leave. I hope this doesn't mean Michelle is face again. I really enjoy hating her.
Edge is in the locker room with Chavo, whining about his recent marital woes. DAMN YOU, HOMEWRECKING BIG SHOW! Edge should have seen it coming. Chavo tries to help out by saying he knows Vickie better than anyone, but all this does is make Edge paranoid that Chavo's banging Vickie as well (EW! BAD IMAGE! BAD IMAGE!) and slam him against the wall.
Finlay W/ Hornswoggle vs. The Brian Kendrick W/ Ezekiel Jackson (Money in the Bank Qualifying Match)
Zeke punches Finlay in the face to kick off the match. Finlay responds by hitting a scoop slam on Kendrick. Kendrick takes off, slaps Finlay as he tries to catch him, then runs to hide behind Zeke. When Finlay starts to stare Zeke down, Kendrick dives onto him. Back in the ring, Kendrick hits a missile dropkick for 2. Kendrick works a headlock, but Finlay escapes with a stunner, then hits a clothesline and a butt drop. Zeke distracts once more, allowing Kendrick to hit a kick and go for The Kendric k, but Finaly pushes him away and hits the Celtic Cross for the win.
WINNER: Finlay. Did booking forget Money in the Bank is a spotfest? We want to see high-flying crazy action, not brawlers, fat people, and tall guys. Jesus Christ. Undertaker vs. Kozlov is next.
The Undertaker vs. Vladimir Kozlov
Undertaker starts things off with a big boot, then follows up with several punches in the corner. A clothesline is followed by a pair of elbow drops for 2. Kozlov tosses UT from the ring and slams him on the announce table. Back in the ring, Kozlov hits a bunch of headbutts to send 'Taker out of the ring again. When Kozlov tries to toss Undertaker into the barricade, Undertaker reverses and tosses Kozlov instead, then clotheslines Kozlov over the barricade as we go to the BREAK.
We return to find Undertaker hitting the legdrop on the apron. 'Taker chokes Kozlov in the corner, but Kozlov comes back with a powerslam for 2. Kozlov begins to work over Undertaker with some punches, but Undertaker fights back and traps Kozlov in the corner. Kozlov tackles his way out for 2. Kozlov works a headlock, hits a quick clothesline for 2, then goes back to the headlock. Undertaker escapes with a side suplex. A punching contest ensues and of course, Undertaker wins. A corner clothesline is followe d by snake eyes, but Kozlov hits the battering ram when 'Taker charges him. Undertaker kicks out at 2 and sits up, meaning Kozlov's dreams of his push continuing are over. Old School, a chokeslam, and a tombstone seal it.
WINNER: The Undertaker.
Well, that does it for another subpar edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown. Make sure to join me next week for the return of COMMERCIAL THOUGHTS!
Shane Steele suddenly had a rather awesome idea. Have you ever thought of something funny to put in this space? E-mail it to me via the link that says "SEND FEEDBACK TO SHANE STEELE" and it will be here! It just has to start with "Shane Steele" and then it can degenerate into whatever you want it to be. Awesome, lame, funny, crazy, dead serious, whatever!
CM Punk, Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Mark Henry vs. Finlay, Christian, Shelton Benjamin, and Kane
So what, the heels and faces can now safely interact? I call shenanigans!
Kofi and Christian kick things off by exchanging waistlocks, with Kofi mixing things up with a headlock. Christian escapes, but eats a Kofi elbow to the face for 2. Christian rebounds with that crazy through-the-ropes kick in the corner, then bounces Kofi's head off the ropes and hits a reverse DDT for 2. Kofi quickly tags out to Punk, who locks in a tarantula in the ropes and follows it up with a crossbody for 2. Christian tags out to Finlay, who hits a clothesline for a count of 1. Several stiff shots in the corner follow until Punk escapes with a big back body drop. Punk goes for the GTS, but Kane breaks it up with a kick to the face, then tosses Finlay into the corner for no particular reason as we go to COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT:A Vin Diesel video game? LAME.
We return to Benjamin using the sinister powers of the commercial break to work over Punk. Punk escapes and tags to Henry. Benjamin promptly wimps out and tags to Kane. Hosstacular offense ensues between the big men until MVP tags in. MVP gets in a few punches until Kane floors him with an uppercut and tags to Shelton. Kicks follow until Shelton begins to work an armbar. MVP punches out, only to eat big back body drop. Tag to Kane, who fires away on MVP before MVP gets away and tags to Punk, who hits a kick to the face. Punk goes for a springboard clothesline, but Kane catches him with a chokeslam to get the win for his team.
WINNERS: Kane, Benjamin, Finlay, and Christian. The predictable brawl ensues, with Christian getting out the ladder, setting it up in the ring, and climbing for the briefcase above the ring. Is the contract in there? This may be the smartest idea I've seen in some time. But it's not to be, as Finaly pushes the ladder, sending Christian falling onto all the other combatants as Finlay celebrates.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Hey, Moutain Dew! You do know Lincoln was a fan of AMATEUR wrestling, right? There wasn't pro wrestling back in his day.
Jesse & Festus vs. Big Show (Handicap Match)
Festus goes crazy and attacks Big Show, but to no avail, as Show just knocks him over. Jesse quickly gets tossed from the ring, leaving Festus to get in some minimal offense before getting tossed himself. Jesse tries to come back with a top rope shoulderblock, which is followed by a Festus big boot. This only pisses Show off, as he hits the right hand on Festus, chokeslams Jesse, and punches him for good measure to seal it.
WINNER: Big Show.
We now get Matt Hardy with a Jack Russell terrier in his lap. I don't like where this is going. Matt quickly brings up the house fire and Jack's death before killing any and all heel credibility he had by KISSING THE DOG ON THE HEAD AND SWEET TALKING TO IT. I miss everything he says because I'm laughing my ass off as he contiunes to do this throughout the promo. How can you hate a guy who's cuddling a puppy? It's impossible!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: How many drug commercials does it take to get kids to realize drugs are bad?
Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Guerrero (If at first it isn't awesome, do it a million more times!)
Chavo starts things off by working over Rey's arm, but Rey escapes with an armdrag. Rey tosses Chavo from the ring and goes for a baseball slide, only to turn it into a hurricarana. Awesome. Rey tosses Chavo back into the ring and goes up top, but Chavo blocks him with punches and hits a top rop hurricarana for 2. Chavo floors Rey with a punch and works a chinlock-armbar combo, but Rey kicks his way out and follows with several more kicks. Rey goes for a springboard moonsault, but Chavo catches him and ties Rey in the tree of woe. Rey dodges the Chavo corner charge, hits a seated senton, and follows up with a springboard crossbody for 2. A sunset flip roll-through dropkick also gets 2. Chavo catches Rey with a surprise gory bomb, but Rey kicks out at 2. A hurricarana sends Chavo into the 619 position, but Chavo ducks and hits 2 of the 3 amigos, turning #3 into a back suplex. Rey dodges the frog splash, hits the 619 following another 'rana, and a splash of his own to win it.
WINNER: Rey Mysterio. Post-match, JBL kicks Rey in the face and-leaves? That's it?
We get a replay of Cena's uber-lame poem from RAW. Perhaps if he had delivered it in rap form, it would have been a little more interesting. Cena is heading for the ring as we go to the break.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: The WWE Encyclopedia: For those of us who have no lives.
Cena comes out to the ring to say WrestleMania is a big deal. Well, duh! He follows that beautiful piece of obviousness with another winner, saying it's all about the fans. With the way the card is looking this year, that's a total lie. Cena then appeals to the IWC by saying the whole Big Show-Edge-Vickie love triangle has ruined the World Heavyweight Championship picture and that he hopes to reclaim the title at 'Mania. Show comes down to the ring and challenges Cena to a match because...he insulted the lo ve between him and Vickie. Hey Cena, what were you saying about the love triangle? Cena accepts and as Show is leaving, he grabs him by the foot and dumps him over the ropes. Cena celebrates while Show bellows like a walrus.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Gee, it seems like the tobacco industry is appealing to a demographic!
R-Truth vs. Matt Hardy W/ LOVE OF PUPPIES! THAT FIEND!
After the obligatory lock-up, Matt gets in a few punches and tosses Truth into the corner. Truth escapes with his usual flipping antics, but eats wheelbarrow suplex after going for a roll-up. Matt hits more punches and a top rope elbow for 2. Matt follows with a corner clothesline, but is tossed into the corner going for a bulldog. Truth comes back with a clothesline, then hits a dropkick as Hardy dives at him for 2. Matt dodges the 360 forearm and goes for the Twist of Fate (outta nowhere!), but Truth esca pes and hits a kick to the face for 2. Matt dodges the axe kick and hits a Twist of Fate (outta nowhere!) for the win.
WINNER: Matt Hardy and puppy-lovers everywhere, you dastardly villains.
A recap of Undertaker blabbering on RAW, only to get interrupted by Shawn Michaels, who was at the most generic graveyard ever digging the most shallow grave ever. Was Shawn to tired to dig it any deeper? All that aside, it was still hilarious when Shawn kicked the 16-1 tombstone into the grave, then buried. "Take that, tombstone! Now you can't, um, mark where absolutely nothing is buried anymore?". Tonight, Shawn will present a little tribute to 'Taker's streak.
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (03/06/09)
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).