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SmackDown Rant Archive (March 2008)

March 08, 2008
March 14, 2008
March 21, 2008
March 28, 2008

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (03/08/08) 

The show starts off with The Cutting Edge! Matt Hardy, what? No, he still hasn't returned yet, I meant Edge's talk show, of course! Why would you think I was referring to Matt cutting his wrists, presumably over Lita leaving? That joke is so old. I am above that. srsly.
Onto more srsness, Edge and the STILL crippled Vickie Guerrero (because women have much weaker neck muscles than men and therefore tombstones usually put them in caskets) are in the ring. Edge starts off by saying Reslemania 24 is looking to be a depressing night because it will see the end of two legacies - Undertaker's undefeated streak and Ric Flair's career. Vickie then announces that tonight will be Edge and his Heads vs The Undertaker in a tres en uno hondiiiicop motch. That's my impression of Sp anish commentators. Pretty good I'd say. Pretty goddamn great. Right, so anyway Vickie makes tonight's hell of a main event, and that's not a compliment, leading Edge to say "You're so hot when you're making main events". Vickie is only hot when her head is photoshopped onto Maria Kanellis's body, and then you scroll down the page so the head gets cut off. Anyway, Edge then calls Flair old and talks about Flair's career ending before bringing out his guest tonight...Ric Flair! All talk shows should do that when introducing their guests, just focus on the negative aspects of their career and stuff. "And now for a man who not only blatantly plagiarized all of his term papers in college, but statutory raped teenage prostitutes as well, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.! No wonder this guy's such a hero to the blacks! Haha, hey security, you ran this guy through a metal detector, right? Hoho, easy now, here's my wallet!" Yep.

Anyway, what the fuck was I...that's right, Ric Flair. Edge disses Flair for being old so Flair disses Edge for dissin' Vickie by using her to advance his career so Vickie disses Flair by making it Flair vs The Three Edges next week in a cage and so Flair disses Edge by slapping the chin off his face. Exaggerating, of course. You couldn't get that chin off with dynamite. Commercials!

Speaking of dynamite and by proxy Good Times, 12 Oz Mouse movie is finally out. It makes for a great watch or a great gift or a great doorstop. Just throw twelve dollars at it anyway. Needs another season, yo.

Back to a reminder of Batista vs MVP for the US Title later tonight. Maybe Matt Hardy will come back to set up an actually decent midcard match for Mania (see : Finlay vs JBL, Batista vs Umaga, Big Show-Boxer) He needs to return, seriously who the fuck is out four months due to an appendix?

Anyway, EC-Dub time, and tonight's match actually does kind of resemble the original ECW. You know, except for that whole "rules" thing. Anyway, it's a six man tag match featuring some wanna be rockers (like Public Enemy) and a small, brown champion (like Sabu) taking on some rednecks (Dudleys) and a young star with a bright future ahead of him (Mass Transit). What, what happened?

WWE Tag Team Champions John Morrison & The Miz & ECW World Champion Chavo Guerrero vs Jesse & Festus & CM Punk

Festus does his usual schtick at the sound of the ring bell by charging the heels and sending them running out of the ring. After THAT UNCONTROLLABLE MONSTER Festus is told to go wait on the apron for a tag, he does and Miz and Punk start things off. Nice kick by Punk to Miz's MIDSECTION, but Miz reverses spinning heel kick attempt by draping Punk over the ropes and tags in Chavo Guerrero. Oooh, Chavo...what the fuck happened to your hair, man? You look like the before picture in a Chia Pet commercial. Punk tags out to Jesse because, well, can't can't just tag in the big crazy monster and end this right here. Chavo goes for an arm drag, but Jesse reverses that into an arm drag on Chavo. If there's one thing Jesse knows, it's basic wrestling techniques. And hypnotism. But mostly OVW first month basic training. Anyway, Morrison enters illegally but so does Festus and he stops that shit. Jesse goes up top but Miz gets a cheap pop on Jesse. He yelled "I hate your hometown of Bumblefuck, Alabama!". The two guys in the crowd from there boo between gulps of beer and arguing over who gets to bang their mother's daughter next. GEDDIT? BECAUSE ALABAMA = DRUNK AND INCESTUOUS! Commercials.

I still don't know what a plancha is.

Back and Chavo has gotten the predictable upper hand in his battle with Jesse. Tag to Morrison who locks in an armbar, then tags to Miz while Jesse escapes and tags in Festus. He starts leveling people with his OVW Basic Training - Big Guy Classes and pins Miz for two, so this match devolves into a brawl like most Festus matches do for some reason. As the heels came in to break it up, Punk and Jesse took out Morrison and Chavo. Jesse with a suicide dive to the outside on The Poser King and Miz is left to ta ke the Tropical Storm, or whatever the hell an F-1 is.

Winner : Punk, Jesse, & Festus

I don't think Jesse and Festus have gotten a tag title shot. They should. And win them, too. Not because I give a fuck about them or the tag titles, but because Morrison should start easing away from Miz. Maybe throw him in the MITB match at Mania for him to lose to Jeff Hardy but still put on a hell of a showing. Pre-steroid bust, this guy was getting groomed on ECW to get a fair push on another show, they should start going for that again. Or, at the very least, just get him the fuck away from the Miz. I mean, I like their tag team, but, okay. People liked the Rockers too, but come on. And the Miz is like Marty Jannetty times a thousand. Minus making myspaces for his cats and holding conversations with them, his cats, on myspace. That comes at least three firings and rehirings and half a dozen two-night stints in rehab later.

In the back now, Michelle McCool is talking to Jamie Noble in that bitchy reverse psychology girls use to tell you they want you to do something while simultaneously making you feel like shit for not having done it yet. In this case, it's McCool telling Noble he doesn't have to prove anything to her by beating up Chuck Palumbo. Jamie says don't worry, I know how you feel about me. McCool is like "Thank God, I thought I was going to have to stamp FRIEND ZONE on your fucking face." But Noble shows his ignoran ce of the fact that all girls like jerks, the moron, and starts saying how he knows she's nuts about him, but he's not a one-woman kinda guy and needs to let her off the hook and recast her into the sea. Come on WWE, he's not a fisherman, you know you could've thought up a cool redneck stereotype way to say that! Like "I can't be devotiating all my time to a womens who don't even have the same heterozygote as me!" or "Bitch you make me wear a condom all the damn time." There's room in Jamie's trailer for si x kids, Michelle! As long as they don't mind sharing rooms. Rooms that may or may not be otherwise considered closets by a realtor. Anyway, Michelle survives this devastating rejection and Noble wanders off. Well, that was a fucking bullshit way to end that feud. Chuck Palumbo never even got to choke a bitch or anything! Damn. Commercials.

Candy corn could just be colored bits of garbage and no one would know, because no one could eat two of them to see if they even taste the same.

Back and it's time to see if MVP can gun down a man whose walked a mile through a pit of danger. Probably not, guns are dangerous, and so there were probably some of them in that pit. But then again, MVP's done like ten years in the pen, so who knows, maybe he knows some special way to gunning, like holding it sideways and saying "Bitch" a lot. Guess we'll find out.

United States Champion MVP vs Batista, US Title Match

They stall for a bit with lockups in the corner and technical shit, and MVP furthers the stalling by rolling out of the ring. Back in, Batista just kicks him, so P rolls out again. Batista chases MVP around and catches him, rolling him in the ring and landing a drop toe hold inside. Batista with some awkward submission offense now, but P breaks the single crab by getting to the ropes. He rolls out yet again as we stroll on to commercials.

I stole a bunch of fake grapes from a grocery store Thaanksgiving display when I was little. Just clearing my conscience.

Back and Batista is winning with his usual bullshit that you can probably guess and I don't even need to gloss over by saying "grunting shoulder thrusts in the corner" and stuff like that. MVP kicks Batista's leg out from under his leg (TM Owen Hart) and hits his FIERCE running boot. Coach chimes in that "In order to win the title, MVP doesn't have to win, but Batista does". No fucking shit, that's kind of the entire champion-challenger concept. If the challenger wins, he gets the title from, who? The champ ion. Goddamnit Cole. That's right, Cole's still getting blamed. At least Coach is usually silent. Cole spouts bullshit the whole night through. Dude needs to get made fun of on a weekly basis again. Or slapped again. Or raped again. Whatever the fuck shuts him up. Anyway. Dropkick to Batista's leg, and then the thing where P slams Batista's face into his high knee. That's right, that's the name of the move. No, you're an incompetent recapper! Whatever, we've seen this match in almost the exact same incarnat ion for, what's it been, five consecutive weeks now? MVP hits some running boots! Batista hits some power moves, roar! MVP's submission doesn't mean shit! And they fight in the corner a lot! It's the same bullshit. Skipping to the ending, SPINEBUSTER! MVP goes for a lowblow attempt but Batista avoids it and, instead of going for the Bomb like I thought, Batista kicks P out of the ring. Heads it's a count out, tails it's DQ. Turns out it's heads! P kicked Batista away from the ring until the count of ten.

Winner : MVP

Well, that was boring. Maybe because that was there third or fourth straight singles match in less than a month. Maybe. Oh, don't forget the tag matches as well! Why not have Batista actually start some shit with Umaga, you know, his Wrestlemania opponent? And why doesn't Matt Hardy come back and team with Batista so they can beat P and Umaga in a tag match to make Hardy look all credible and win the US Title at Mania? Or why not just leave MVP off of tv until after Mania and have Batista destroy Deuce and Domino in the weeks leading up to it, I don't care whatever the fuck you want, just not MVP-Batista AGAIN.
And now a video package over the Hornswoggle-bastard son thing. Goddamn, how do you fuck up an angle whose purpose was to fix a fucked up angle? This
storyline needs a RE-ME-DEEEY. Commercials.


Back and Jamie Noble barges into Vickie's office. Guess he must have paid off Vickie's slave/guard Teddy Long with a map of safehouses leading to Canada. Must have. That's why it's not good to use slaves who despise you as your body guards. Anyway, Noble demands a match with Chuck Palumbo tonight. Looks like this is still going even without McCool's involvement. Good, at least this way it might have a bloody decent payoff. Literally bloody, I wasn't talking British for a second to sound quirky. Vickie asks about the size difference and Noble says he doesn't give a shit. Vickie informs him that Chuck already has a match tonight. What the fuck? Dude hasn't faced anyone but Noble and jobbers since his re-re-debut six months ago, Vickie can't cancel a match with some jobbers? She has something for him, though - Noble can face the Big Show! We're now reminded of the old storyline where Vickie would put Noble against giants week after week. That stupid Noble, even after all this time and all those squashes he still hasn't learned his place as a Cruiserweight. Oh well, hopefully Big Show can pummel it into him. He knows boxing now, you know!

Bullshit Hall of Fame bullshit is bullshit. Rock's undeserving relatives and Mae Young. Oh well, Flair's going in too, so nobody'll pay attention to the other guys and dykes. Commercials.

I can hear the moon at night.

Back and Michael Cole makes the grand announcement that Kim Kardashian, yes that's THE Kim Kardashian, will be a special guest hostess at Wrestlemania. Wow! They should've saved that "Big Time" theme for THIS year's Wrestlemania! Jesus Christ. I don't even know who the fuck Kim Kardashian is other than she has a shitty show on E! about her doing nothing and occassionally getting her nails did. And I only know that much because I watch The Soup and they make fun of it sometimes. That's right, I watch The Sou p. Joel McHale is hilarious, fuck you. Masculinity defense out of the way...Guest host? Does Wrestlemania ever even have a host? Like what is she going to do, welcome us to the show and, erm, say goodnight at the end? I wonder if she's getting paid twenty million dollars to do a useless job, too. Assuming Mayweather does do the job, that is.

ANYWAY. The point is, Wrestlemania would be good if it wasn't for all the shit. But now it's time for Coach to host a diva contest. It's apparently a voting thing like the Diva Search, except they're using their already useless Divas for this since apparently they've finally decided they have enough. Eve Torres, Maryse, Michelle McCool, Cherry, and Victoria are the contestants and they'll do shit like dance and strip for a few weeks I guess and the winner will win a motorcycle from some guy. They had a video of him but I didn't care enough to not go get a drink, so it looks like I have a new thing to not recap every week in place of Big Daddy V matches. Anyway, the divas all did basic posing shit except Victoria who was made to look like an idiot. She had a problem taking her top off and fell off the turnbuckle while she was posing. Take THAT for having wrestling ability on a wrestling show, bitch! They were blatantly telling you to vote for Michelle, by the way, so if you're going to actually vote. ..vote anyone but Michelle. Let's make them give fucking Cherry or some useless shit a push. It'll be great. Commercials.

I found this dress I'm making a girl wear to prom, it looks like a giant cheeseburger with like strips of green and brown for the lettuce and meat and stuff like that. I'm going as the Hamburglar. Spike the punch with ketchup, it'll be a fun time.

Holy shit. Either Kane is going to job to Palumbo, or they're about to ruin six months worth of a big undercard push with one match. Either way, fucking idiots.

Chuck Palumbo vs Kane

They exchange punches and both guys look allright. Palumbo with a big clothesline that puts Kane down. He throws some more punches and lands another clothesline. Chuck gets a two count off that, but Kane comes back with a big boot followed by a clothesline. He then lays into Palumbo in the corner, hitting him with some corner charges and his TM'd side slam. No other like it, I'm telling you. And may or may not be lying to you. Anyway, Kane goes up but Chuck stops that shit and sends him back to the mat, whe re he delivers a big boot. He looks to start in on some more offense, but Kane just shakes it off and levels him with a chokeslam for the win.

Winner : Kane

Fuck that shit. Palumbo did look somewhat credible, but really this match was way too early. It should've at least been put off until after Palumbo beat Noble to blow off their feud. Or if anything he should've faced and defeated Mark Henry or somebody if they wanted to show him hang with a big guy. Can't kill old Mizark's credibility though, I guess. Whatever he has left after having lost more straight matches than Deuce and Domino combined. Big Show lumbers toward the ring as we go to commercials.

Regina Spector is a Russian classical pianist. Who occassionally raps. Look into it, you'll hardly regret it.

Back where some boxing people you don't care about talked about a match you don't care about, mostly because both the guys involved...you don't care about.

And now, not to break the cycle of apathy, here's Big Show a cruiserweight!

Big Show vs Jamie Noble

Noble's punches bounce off Show's stomach and he gets thrown away. Laying sprawled in the corner, Big Show waddled over and Noble just straight busted his balls open with a kick for the disqualification.

Winner : Big Show

Holy shit that was awesome, I always wondered why guys in Noble's spot didn't just do that in those squash matches. But afterwards Show destroys Noble with his mad boxing skills, causing Noble to fall over and die, coughing up blood. Big Show says lots of people don't like him, but more people, including wrestlers, hate Floyd. No arguement. He asks Mayweather if his career is worth twenty million dollars. What a stupid fucking question. Commercials.

Busting your ass fighting for a living, or getting paid twenty million dollars to sit on your ass for the rest of your life with all the rest of your millions. Um, and also you...uh, lose your sense of smell or something. CHOOSE WISELY.

Back to a couple announcements that pissed me off. First, Batista will get a rematch at MVP's US Title next week in a No Holds Barred match. One, Batista doesn't deserve another shot, he lost. Two, why is he even fighting for the US Title, he's never held anything but World Titles. And third, if they don't use that match for Matt Hardy to interfere, I'll use the caps lock to express my disapproval or something. The second announcement was that Flair's handicap cage match next week will NOT be a career threa tening match. Bullshit. The deal was if Flair lost ONE more match, his career is over. Any match. You can't have a "non-career threatening match", that ruins the credibility of the whole thing because one, it doesn't make sense that Vince would allow it if he really wants Flair to retire, and two, it kills the story of Flair's desperation to keep his career alive. So fucking stupid for such a shitty irrelevant match anyway. But now it's time for THIS WEEK'S shitty irrelevant throwaway handicap main event ma tch.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge & Curt Hawkins & Zack Ryder vs Undertaker, Handicap match

And this handicap match involves tagging. Of course it does. It's not like Vickie has THAT much power! I'm not recapping this, nobody cares. It's what you'd expect it to be, Taker hits his moves despite constant interference. The finish saw Edge get the final tag and was locked in Taker's new choke hold, but the Edgeheads broke it up. They both get double chokeslammed in a spot that actually looked allright. Not believeable of course, but you know. Anyway, after that Taker turns around and got drilled with a spear and pinned cleanly by Edge.

Winner : Edge

Edge then gathered his Heads from the mat and left up the ramp while Taker got up to point at the blue Wrestlemania sign on the ceiling. Edge answered by raising his World Title over his head in a good way to end the show. Um, END SHOW.

Lion King : Best match was the six man ECW tag, but that only won by default. The main event tonight set up one of Wrestlemania's main events in a good way, but the nicest thing about this week was a break from not only The Great Khali but Big Daddy V as well. Could've used more Matt Hardy, though. And by more I mean any.

Lion King 2 : MVP-Batista. Not a bad match by itself. Bad when you consider the fact that they've faced eachother a ton of times in the past month and barely change their match formula. The whole Edge vs Ric Flair thing they started is looking pretty stupid as well.

Remember Lion King 1 and a half? : Remember when you actually gave a shit about the celebrities appearing at Wrestlemania? Of course not. But man, this year's group is about the worst ever. Nobody knows who Kim Kardashian is, nobody cares about Snoop Dogg, I'm pretty sure John Legend is a combination of both those descriptions, and Floyd Mayweather's match is going to be a tremendous waste of time and money. There's not even a fucking guy involved in that match anyone gives a shit about, let alone a face. Y ou'd think it'd be Big Show since, you know, he's the wrestler at the wrestling show and in his home state, but then he went and killed Rey Mysterio. The only thing good that can come out of it, I guess, is the hilariously pissed off crowd reaction. Come on, Orlando, make Goldberg-Lesnar's crowd look like 1980s Memphis marks!


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (03/14/08) 

Welcome to Smackdown, the land where women are showoff whores who will do anything to try to desperately get some glimmer of attention and cruiserweights are like women. Except instead of stripping they do athletic aerial maneuvers that always end with them being caught in a chokeslam. Whatever, still whores. But those whores are on later, here are the others.

Maria is out first to tell the crowd she's from Chicago and is glad to have been photographed naked. She's our host for tonights Diva, um, Competition? It's like the Diva Search, only with Divas that are already being paid for being useless. Tonight is the first elimination and Maryse gets abooted off because nobody knows or cares who the fuck Maryse is. FYI, she's the blond Quebecian girl who only recently learned English and therefore talks like a retard from two Diva Searches ago, and yes, she has been o n the payroll that long. Coach is shocked that people didn't vote for her because after all she has big boobs AND blond hair! It's like why the fuck did anyone choose Victoria the veteran wrestler over MARYSE on the wrestling show?! All wrestling fans simply must be gay. Guess all those kids in middle school were right. Anyway. Tonight's challenge is an obstacle course, and Victoria is made to look like an idiot again by dicking around and finishing it late. Geddit? Dicking around? Because she has a penis! Right. Anyway, the winner is of course Michelle McCool, and for winning she gets...absolutely nothing. What the fuck was the point of that, to show off their athletecism? Hey I have an idea, if you want to do that why not put the wrestlers in, I don't know, a fucking wrestling match? You know, other than the fact that they don't know how to wrestle.

In the back now Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels hug. Flair's hair is looking especially yellow tonight. They'll be taking on Edge and his Heads later on in a handicap cage match tonight, which is non-career threatening by the way, just in case you thought there was any chance of Flair winning that. Flair doesn't want either of them to be injured before Wrestlemania because he wants the match to be great, and Michaels says between his bum knees and Flair's bad back, they'll be lucky to make it down that extra l ong ramp at Mania, let alone put on a good match. Flair agrees and they toast glasses of Metamucil as we hobble on to commercials.

At the grocery store, why is the Manager's Special always the expired lemonade or hard doughnuts? Here, buy old food at a slight discount. It's our manager's special and we stand behind it wholeheartedly. Unless you're from the health department.

Back for more whores in action! No, it's still Smackdown, America's Next Top Model takes over this time slot in the Fall. I meant whoring more along the lines of selling out your personal ideals for money, not selling your body for money and a donkey punch. Although I suppose one could argue cruiserweights fit that description as well. They run the Raw Rebound highlighting Show-Mayweather. Oh hey, there's an extra big whore in this match!

"The Rejected Rednecks" Jimmy Wang Yang & Shannon Moore vs "The Boxer, No Really!" Big Show

Show throws the little guys around for a bit and pins Moore after a punch to the face.

Winner : Big Show

To celebrate, he hurls Yang out and growls. Commercials.


Back and that faux Jimi Hendrix can only mean one thing! Creative doesn't know who the fuck Jim Morrison is! How hard would it have been to throw together a three minute organ solo for his entrance music? And hey look, Morrison's fighting with his friend and partner tonight! Look for him to move to Paris and OD in the bathtub within a couple months.

Final Money in the Bank Qualifier : WWE Tag Team Champions John Morrison vs Miz

They announce that Miz and Morrison will be losing their tag titles to Jesse and Festus next week. Get ready to flounder, Miz! They also announce this is the last MITB qualifying match. Why in the fuck? Jeff Hardy is out, so why not put Matt Hardy in? He returns high-profile, gets a big pop, does his usual stuff with ladders, continues his feud with MVP in the match, and get a nice Wrestlemania payoff. Guess it's that last part keeping Matt out. WWE needs to save all the money they can, because after all BI G TIME CELEBRITIES like John Legend and Kim Kardashian don't come cheap!

Anyway, they shake hands to start, which Morrison segues into a rollup for two. They both go for repeated quick pins to avoid fighting eachother, what good sportsmanship and companionship. Oh wait, they're heels, COWARDS! Miz lands a springboard clothesline and Morrison leaves the ring. Back in Miz locks in a long headlock that Morrison can't break even after a back suplex. Thing. He eventually breaks it and nails a backbreaker and goes for the submission but Miz gets the ropes. COWARD. Morrison in control for a bit and gets a two before Miz regains with a corner clothesline and gets a two for himself. REALITY CHECK time, which is probably the only name they could've given his finisher to outgay the Mizard of Oz, but Morrison just runs away. Miz chases him around and runs right into Morrison who goes for his finisher that I think Tazz used to call the Light My Fire. I dunno, I stopped watching ECW. But what a shitty name. If they wanted to go for a Doors song, why not The End? Or The End Of The Night? Or The Wasp? Or the Soul Kitchen? Pretty much any fucking song title other than Light My Fire would make for a better finisher name. This is a lot of rambling for a move Morrison didn't even land, because Miz reverses it into a crazy hard STO for a nearfall. He picks Morrison up but Johnny lands a very stylistic Pele Kick. Don West would lose his shit over it. The Soul Kitchen follows and Morrison is your newest loser of this year's Money in the Bank match!

Winner, sort of : John Morrison

Good, quick match with a nice ending sequence. I wish Morrison would somehow tweak his gimmick enough to not just make me want to laugh/cringe during interviews and stuff, but regardless, his matches are always fun. Commercials.


Back to more Hornswoggle bullshit. Finlay is distraught over his son in the hospital and looks vicious as he threatens JBL at Mania. Finlay is good. It's too bad this feud is over a fucking leprechaun bastard son. By the way, was it ever really explained why JBL decided just to jump in here or, what the fuck? Anyway, MIXING THINGS UP now with MVP-Batista. Again. But it's No DQ, though! It'll be different, honest! Please don't change the channel to Survivorman! No can do, exclaiming Smackdown hawker. Oh wait , the US Title's on the line? Allright, Matt Hardy will be back tonight, I'm sure of it! They show footage of P defeating Jamie Noble at a house show to gain entrance into the Money in the Bank match. Just in case you thought they were actually going to have a Wrestlemania where a championship other than a world title was defended.

United States Champion MVP vs Batista, No Disqualification Title Match

It's the exact same match. For a while, anyway, until the action SPILLS to the outside. MVP lunges at Batista but he plants him on the crowd barrier. Back in the ring, MVP takes off his chain and wraps it around his fist, laying into Batista with punches. SHADES OF JOHN CENA! Shit MVP, you're not good looking enough to survive having all the male fans hate you! Quick, do something Cena would never do! MVP obliges and hits a drop toe hold. Geddit? Cause Cena can't even do basic shit! Batista controls MVP and lands a rocketbusta of a spinebusta and goes for the Dave Bomb, but MVP just leaves the ring. Batista gives chase and gets thwacked with a chair. P swings and misses a second time and Batista proceeds to fuck him up. MVP escapes with a lowblow and nails his running boot as we go on over and see what the commercials are doing.

I took a bean bag chair from the library once. It's cool though, they had like four of them.

Back and both guys are looking injured and exhausted. MVP grabs a chair but Batista puts him down with a spear for two. He charges P but P stops that shit with a boot. MVP then charges Batista and he does the same. P rolls out and Batista follows and receives a chair shot for it. He gets thrown into the steel steps and P strips the floor of it's protective covering. Playmaker on the concrete attempt fails, luckily for MVP's dumb ass. Wouldn't doing a Playmaker on a concrete floor probably break MVP's knee? Anyway, MVP gets backdropped onto the concrete and Batista lays into him some more with a chair. He then rolls him in the ring and picks up a two. Guess the ref has a hole in his pocket, and also carries around rare bills. Yep. Batista with power shit is stopped by MVP with heel shit. He lays into Batista with a chair and goes up top with it, but Batista couters the top rope chair shot with his POWER MOVES. I am so fucking sick of Batista. Suddenly, a surprise wrestler interferes! IT'S MATT HARDY! Wow, he s ure gained some weight while recovering from that inflamed appendix. And also turned Samoan. Damn, it's just Umaga. He spikes Batista and MVP picks up the win.

Winner : MVP


Fifty chin man, big as Afghanistan, doughnut in my right, piece of toast in the other hand. Thank you.
Back in time for a super important tag match, because all four guys involved will be fighting eachother at Wrestlemania! Along with every single other undercard guy on the WWE roster. They'll all be competing in a big ass thrown together Battle Royal, AT WRESTLEMANIA, to determine who will face ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero later that night. At Wrestlemania. Because only SOME belts get actual title programs. All brands are equal, though!

Chuck Palumbo & The Great Khali vs Jamie Noble & Kane

Kane and Palumbo start things off. Born of Fire vs Born to be Mild! Kane with a side slam, etc. on Chuck. He tags to Noble who lands a crossbody on Palumbo. He recovers quickly since he's of a higher weight class and drills Noble with a clothesline. Khali gets the tag and chops up Noble, Flair-style not Dahmer-style, just in case you thought Khali came in with a machete I guess. Noble STILL has trouble grasping his disadvantages as a cruiserweight, so Khali puts him down and explains to him why the fans onl y like big guys who stumble a lot and how nobody gives a shit about cruiserweights, ever. But since Khali doesn't speak English, he explains this by grabbing Noble's neck and squeezing the nerves. Kane comes in to stop that shit though, but Palumbo is in to do battle with Kane. In the meantime, Khali just plants Noble with the chokebomb for the pin.

Winner : The Great Khali & Chuck Palumbo

Chuck and Khali hilariously highfive eachother after the match. Not as good as Khali bumping knucks, but gold nontheless. Commercials.

Stuff I need to do this week : Student Resume, fill out ACT application, apply for scholarships, decide what to do for the next forty years after suppressing this for seventeen years, research paper, book report, short story about electric cooperatives or something, scrounge up some community service activities that I can grossly exaggerate, not fail Chemistry, send in job application, perform an accidental abortion with some stairs cause I can't afford no kids, reorganize all my hotel soaps, and interview Maria Bamford via email, but first, Smackdown report. What's a "priority"?

Main event time! And no, it's not like last week's shitty handicap main event against an old guy, cause this time there's two old guys! And a cage! And a cripple? This handicap match just got very literal, because GM Vickie Guerrero is wheeled out by her servant Teddy Long's calloused, cotton picking hands. When will he win his freedom from his merciless massuh? I hope he does soon, if only to squash any chance of a Nation of Domination reunion. Henry and V are bad enough. We don't need Teddy's dumb ass as a mouthpiece getting them make believe heat but very real pushes. Anyway, Vickie is here to announce that ECW Champ Chavo Guerrero will be added to Edge's team. Flair and HBK then immediately jump the Edges. Chavo tries to get in the door, but HBK busts him in the face with it as we take a look at tonight's main event products.

Do you be-lieve in rac-coons? I be-leeheeve in racoo-hoooooons.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge, ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero, Curt Hawkins, & Zack Ryder vs Ric Flair & Shawn Michaels, NON CAREER THREATENING Cage Match

Chavo climbs over the cage to get in, and serves his team by getting chopped down just like the rest of the Edges. Flair makes a break for it by scaling the cage, but Edge goes up to meet him. Flair chops Edge down though, but Chavo is there to bring Flair back down to the mat. Flair battles the champions while Michaels is taking on the Edgeheads. Edge then attacks HBK and the Heads go after Flair, while Chavo proves to be a worthless contribution to his team by sniveling on the ground. Edge whips Michaels to Chavo, who back body drops him into the cage wall. Edge then puts down Flair with a spear and so everyone turns to Michaels. He gets beat down and tied up in the ropes for Edge to deliver a spear on Michaels into the cage wall. Flair starts to recover so the Edgeheads beat him down. If you combined their ages, Flair would still have over a decade and a half on them. I bet Flair's feeling like an old man at night in a city park right about now. Edge brings Flair over to Michaels who is still tied up and t ells HBK to "watch this". All four guys lift Flair up and hurl him headfirst into the cage. Awesome. Flair is covered in blood and Edge goes for a mock pin on him in front of Michaels, then lifts up saying "Oh no no no!" and continues the beatdown. Man I love Edge.

Michaels escapes from the ropes just in time for Chavo to tie him back up and choke him. The Edgeheads take turns grinding Flair bloody face into the cage wall. He then collapses between the cage wall and the ropes in a pool of blood. This is great! Edge turns to HBK and goes for another spear, but Shawn stops that shit with a kick. He gets untangled and takes on all four guys until Edge manages to whip him into the corner and he lands upside down like he always does. Elsewhere, as in three feet away, Flair is laying into the Edgeheads with chops, but the Champions are ignoring that shit. Chavo holds Michaels upside down in the corner and Edge connects with another fucking spear. Edge then rescues the most pathetic wrestling clones since Fake Kane from Flair's stumbling, choppy um "onslaught" by hurling Flair across the ring into the cage wall. Dear God, why don't they do this every week?! Just all the shitty people you're tired of seeing, put them in some insane match and watch them get fucked up. Next week : Triple H and Batista vs The Entire WWE Roster, shoot fight grudge match! But that's undoubtedly for next week so I'll talk about it then, back to the current main event, Chavo and Edge hug while HBK escapes from the tree of woe in the corner. He and Chavo battle on the turnbuckle until Michaels slams Chavo's head into the cage, but collaspes right afterward. It is at this point that finally mute the television. Cole and Coach are unbearable during a great match. Anyway, the Edges continue the assault on F lair while Chavo goes up top for the frog splash on the stroked out Michaels...who was getting to his feet when Chavo jumped. HBK catches him with a dropkick in midair, which Chavo sells like a gunshot, and Flair simultaneously lands a lowblow on Edge. Fuck comebacks, I want to see an absolute squash here.

Flair then throws Edge into both Edgeheads who were standing on the turnbuckle for some faggy retarded aerial move setup I guess, and they get crotched on the rope. It's low blows all around! Shawn Michaels continues this method of attack with a series of inverted atomic drops drops. He then busts Edge and Chavo into the cage, goes up top, and lands the elbow drop on an Edgehead. He then starts stomping the ground, but Edge is up and charging for a spear. HBK sidesteps and propels Edge onward into Chavo, wh o sells it like a someone tossed him the remote and he missed it and it instead tapped him in the stomach. Flair with a lowblow on the other Edgehead and the actual Edge. HBK and Flair each lock in a figure four on the two instead of, you know, escaping this fucking cage of death. Chavo Guerrero promptly stops that with a double frog splash. Edge is crawling towards the door when suddenly the lights go out, and when they come back on Undertaker is in the ring. He goes for a chokeslam on Edge, but gets jumpe d by the three remaining guys. Great plan, Taker, jump into a fight where you're outnumbered without a weapon or anything. Why the fuck does he always turn the lights back on? Surely if he can summon lightning and rise from the dead, he can see in the dark. He brushes this off and lands a double chokeslam on the Edgeheads while Edge was ascending the cage. Chavo lunges at Taker while he was going for Edge and he gets tombstoned for his nobility. He then turns his focus back on Edge, but it's too late. Edge is over the top and out on the floor for the win.

Winner : Chavo Guerrero & Some Edges

After the match, Edge is laughing at Taker who just fucked up all his friends, but Taker dims the lights to radioactive blue and crosses his throat as Edge's smile turns to immediate horror. "What? You mean he's STILL angry at ME?!" Cue Edge fish face! There it is, allright. END SHOW.

Mountain Dew LiveWire : Incredible, fun main event that contributed greatly to the buildup to Mania's two top matches while at the same time putting on a great overall match. Batista and MVP had their best outing yet tonight as well.

Mountain Dew Code Red : Seeing HBK escape from the corner and fight back before collapsing in exhaustion should be regarded as heroic and amazing, not "Oh, what's this? Michaels escapes and gets the upper hand on Chavo, oh but he's hurt though." "He sure is." "He's got nothing left." "He sure is." Bullshit, I can put up with "The numbers are finally taking their toll, and you know Edge wants to take them out before Wrestlemania" even though Flair and Michaels are facing EACHOTHER at Wrestlemania. But whatev er, I'm used to that nonsensical shit, somehow. But when you see something that's supposed to be amazing and you think "Woah!" only to hear the indifferent tone of announcers, you immediately think "Wait, what? Why aren't they excited? Was what I just saw not special? Oh, nevermind then". I actually stopped for a second and went "Wait, did I see that right?" It was so bad that I thought Shawn blew a major spot and the announcers were panicked and covering it up with vague generalizations, but no! It's just their shitty announcing! That was them at their best! It's supposed to be the fucking opposite! Announcers are supposed to make you care about the shittiest jobber vs jobber throwaway match enough to watch, not make you lose interest in stuff you legitimately care about. Goddamnit, fuck Cole, but especially Coach. But especially Cole.

Remember Mountain Dew Pitch Black? : I'm just going to bitch about the announcing some more. Why is there so little emphasis on this? And it can't be a difference in opinion. NOBODY can think Cole and Coach sound good. At all. Ever. Nobody can. It's ridiculous and retarded sounding. They shouldn't be out there at all, but even the other shows' announcers aren't as good anymore. ECW is absolutely unlistenable (as opposed to just unwatchable) and both ECW and RAW sound weird as shit sometimes, some of the thi ngs those four say are so unnatural for them it's hilarious. But while the problem with some of it might be overscripting or stupid guidelines on what to say, the thing with Smackdown is even if you let the guys go out there by themselves, they'd still be shit. They're just shitty announcers. Coach especially, but him being hurled out there isn't really his fault since he's always been shit. But Cole's been a lead announcer for almost a decade. He should be able to call a great match and not detract from it . Or at the very least hear himself and know when to shut the fuck up. I can usually ignore it because Smackdown is almost always full of shitty matches and so it doesn't really ruin anything much, you just think "Man does Cole suck di-DEAR LORD IS THAT KHALI WITH THE WORLD TITLE?!" but the shit really shines through when there's something great going on you want to see and have to mute the motherfucker just to be able to sit and see it.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (03/21/08) 

The show opens with Batista vs Umaga in an animated match. No, Batista didn't suddenly grow charisma, I mean it was on Smackdown Vs RAW 2008. Batista wins! Man, this guy MUST be legit if even his video game likeness is tough. The real Batista is here to take on Deuce and Domino, just in case some fans are late getting into the arena.

Batista vs Deuce and Domino

Ha, I called this match weeks ago. And since Batista is no Big Show, the tag team in this squash will have to tag in and out. But it doesn't matter becaust Batista just wins again anyway.

Winner : Batista

In the back, Maryse returns! Yes, after Smackdown's entire audience voted her as the shittiest Diva they least want to see ever, she's back. As a heel, though! She comes up to Cherry and calls Deuce and Domino losers, words which would probably have more sting if, you know, they had some fans. She then says the Diva Contest Competition Extravaganza or whatever the hell that takes up an entire segment every week is rigged, which frankly that is just bullshit. WWE may have Michelle McCool win everything and have her strip the longest and have the announcers put her over as an orgasm personified, but damnit, extreme bias is where they draw the line! They do have morals, Maryse. She then calls Cherry a dog and leaves. You know, it'd probably be easier to boo Maryse if the Diva she called a dog, well, wasn't one. Commercials!

Drillbit Taylor's tagline of "You get what you pay for" is bullshit. For eight dollars, I expect more entertainment than that piece of shit provided.

Back and Teddy Long is in the ring without Vickie or shackles or anything! Run, Teddy, there's an old barn you can hide in a quarter of a mile from here! Follow the river so the overseer's dogs won't follow your scent! Well, he doesn't. Maybe because Smackdown's in Missourri tonight, and he wants to wait until they go to Canada, but I don't think so. How am I supposed to get behind a slave with Stockholm Syndrome? I mean what is this, my neighbor and his girlfriend? Bullshit if she thinks I'm calling in that domestic, he was at work all day, she could've left anytime. Although I suppose I could've removed the chair he propped up under the front doorknob for her, but I mean, I'm a busy guy.

Anyway, Teddy announces that tonight the previously mentioned Divas Do Shit While You Shit bathroom break will consist of an arm-wrestling contest! Hey, know another way to show which female wrestler is the strongest? A wrestling match. Victoria and Eve go first, and they expect us to believe that Eve could legitimately win this thing. Just as Victoria's hand was about to touch the table, though, she blows in Eve's face and slams her hand for the win. I guess when y ou're heel you not only lose your wrestling abilities but a substantial amount of muscle strength, regardless of whether or not you have more muscle mass than all the faces combined. Anyway, Michelle and Cherry are next, because that last one was just a little too unpredictable. After Michelle wins, she takes on Victoria and beats her as well. Teddy then announces that Victoria was voted off. Why the fuck didn't they say that before the contest so as to not waste everyone's time? That'd be like letting Ron Paul campaign all year for the presidency, and then on November third saying "Well actually we decided to give the nomination to McCain this year, thanks for participating though." Granted, Paul should've known he was going to lose the very first time the entire audience in the Youtube debate laughed at him, or if not then, then any one of the 87 times after that, but still. Anyway, Victoria and Michelle fight and Michelle wins. No, really! Commercials.

For a while, Mr. Henderson didn't think about eating the neighborhood children. For a while.

Back to the same bullshit about Big Show and Floyd Mayweather they've run ad nauseum. A giant threw a skinny black dude whose never wrestled before and a bunch of guys broke his fall? Shit, where's my check book?!

And now for a match we've seen ad nauseum since Big Show's returned - Big Show vs Some Cruiserweights. Holy shit, that's the Naturals! And some other dude. But the Naturals!
Actually I wasn't a huge fan of them in TNA. They were basically just a way to have America's Most Wanted not have the tag titles for a few months, before winning them again in tremendous fashion, of course. Oh, well. Pink bandanas are still kind of cool, I guess. They also show an interview with Chris Jericho where he says Big Show is strong.

Big Show vs Chase Stevens & Andy Douglas & Other Guy
Show throws them all around before landing a Final Cut on Stevens. He then chops the other guy before sending both him and Stevens out of the ring. A punch to Douglas's face gets him the win.

Winner : Big Show

Edge is "in action" next. Guess he's not fighting Big Daddy V, then, or that would've just been one word. Or something. Commercials!

I watch How I Met Your Mother sometimes.

Back to a Make A Wish Foundation video. John Cena's still reppin' with his little cancerous Chain (Pain?) Gang members. ICU for life, baby! Yeah that sounds cool, but when the rest of their life really isn't much longer than four months, it's not that impressive of a commitment. I guess it's still sort of cool, though. I mean, I'm sure there's other dangerous gangs in that hospital, like the Crips who do wheel-by's and the East Wing Blood Cells, the healthy kids tha t are in there for tonsils or appendicitis or something. Oh man, Matt Hardy should join the Make A Wish Foundation, too! He could side with those kids because his appendicitis was so bad, it put him out of action for four months, so he knows what it's like. They could have gang fights with Cena's group and make those kids' very literally last moments a blast. Plus when he says "We will not die", it'd hold water for a bit longer than if he said that while backing the uninsured kids in the last stages of chem o and no signs of getting better.

Hey look, it's Edge! And Funaki! Holy shit, after being taken of the gas, this guy's really deflated. What was he this time last year, 170, 175? Motherfucker isn't any bigger than 168 now.
How could you betray your fan(s?), Funaki?!

World Heavyweight Champion Edge w/ Edgeheads vs Funaki, nontitle because, well come the fuck on

Well, I could cover Edge's offense, but I have a lazier idea. I'll just tell you what Funaki does. Let's see, okay, after getting beat up and laughed at, he whips Edge, but just gets knocked down by him when he comes back. Allright, what else...oh here we go, he stiffs a kick to Edge's head and lands a crossbody from the turnbuckle. Um, more Edge stuff, more Edge stuff, Funaki gets thrown all around ringside, holy shit! HUGE Funaki sunset flip! Edge just has the for titude to kick out at two and 99/100ths. Smackdown's most roveabow announcer then connects with an enziguri, but Edge his ass down with a spear. The last thing Funaki did was get pinned by Edge after a Tombstone Piledriver.

Winner : Edge

Promo time. Edge reminds us he pinned Undertaker two weeks ago. So what if it was a 3-on-1 handicap match, it's still impressive, you overanalyzing fuck. He said he's never lost to Taker and it won't happen at Mania. He then says by the end of tonight, everyone's going to know what he's capable of. Well allright. Commercials.

Smackdown's new slogan : "Competition", what? Shut up, mark.

Back and it's time to lounge with Smackdown's MVP, MVP. There's a briefcase hanging above the ring and a ladder beneath it. He announces his guest tonight, the man who invented the Money in the Bank match, Chris Jericho! Brand extewhat? Not that one interview is that big of a deal, but I mean, come on. Every single week there's something. Fucking Shawn Michaels wrestled in last week's Main Event against the ECW Champion. Anyway. P brags that he is great, etc. and is way better than the other guys in the MITB match, where he is interrupted by Jericho's music. Wow, that guy working the controls is really badass. Jericho says this is the first time he's been on Smackdown in over five years, to which MVP retorts "Hey, they're sure to move me over to Raw in this year's Draft, just give me some time and I'll be able to completely ditch Smackdown, too." Jericho says he hates cocky loudmouths with their own show. He gets ready to introduce himself, but MVP says he knows who h e is, the guy that got knocked out by the Big Show, which would be embarrassing if that hadn't happened to half the roster in the past four weeks. MVP then gets ready to say who he is, but Jericho already knows that, he's a lucky guy who could have had a much worse name and lists a bunch of names with acronyms that spell Zit, Loser, and Jackass. They spell the words out up on the screen too because, well, we ARE in Missourri. Southern joke or black joke? You decide! It's like Choose Your Own Adventure, exce pt much, much more inappropriate. Anyway, MVP then says all Jericho's talking never did any good for him against Orton, JBL, or Show, and proceeds to demonstrate that he in fact knows the rules of ladder matches by climbing the ladder and grabbing the briefcase. Jericho then shockingly shoves him over and MVP goes tumbling down into the ring. Y2J grabs the briefcase and shows off.

I feel bad for Jeff Hardy and everything. I mean in one week he gets suspended, his uninsured double wide burns down, his dog dies in the blaze, and everyone finds out he lived in a trailer in North Carolina. But I am glad he is out of MITB this year. While no doubt it would have been great for him to win and, of course, go on to win the WWE Title, him being out makes things so much more up in the air. Will Jericho the IC Champ or MVP the US Champ use it to finally propel them permanently into the main event picture, or will a guy like Mr. Kennedy, John Morrison or CM Punk come from behind and use it to make everyone take notice of them and get a chance to get over their character before cashing it in and winning the belt? Oh yeah, also Carlito and Shelton Benjamin are in there, too. But you don't have to pay attention to them. The point is, although we lost the great storyline of Jeff winning the briefcase and the belt (which, seeing as how he's just struck out twice , he probably won't be getting close to ever again), it makes for a much more interesting match and could lead to great possibilities. Also, we got to learn that Jeff Hardy, possibly a millionaire, or close to it, lives in a fucking trailer in the woods!
Chavo and Taker is your main event tonight. Till then, commercials.

Know what invention plagues parents the most? Those prize machines in grocery stores and stuff filled with tiger tattoos and jewelry no doubt colored with lead based paint. You just know your brat is going to embarrass the shit out of you when he throws a fit after you refuse to give him a quarter on the way out. Places that put those up are really saying "Don't bring your fucking kids in here."

Oh, fuck this.

Chuck Palumbo vs Kane

Reasons I'm not covering this :
- Already seen it.
- Nobody gives a shit.
- The Great Khali interferes.
- Mark Henry interferes.
- Mark Henry and The Great Khali fight.
- Mark Henry wins.
Oh yeah, also, it's fucking Chuck Palumbo vs Kane. The match is a no contest, by the way, just in case you thought it wasn't a complete waste of time. Commercials.

And it's not because you need that quarter, you're just still pissed you had to pay for all those eggs he broke earlier in the store, so you just want to fuck with him. But he ends up with the quarter anyway after he starts throwing a fit and kicking other people's shopping carts as they're trying to leave, so now you just look like a pussy.

Back to listen to Coach and Cole yammer on about the Hall of Fame. Apparently the newest inductee is Eddie Graham. Great guy, he deserves it, whoever the fuck that is. More
Michael Cole is the type of guy who solicits children in the park with WWE action figures.


Why the fuck do they have to have a Southern gimmick at all? They can BE Southern, but who does it have to be their fucking gimmick at all? They're not Cade and Murdoch, they're a hypnotist who controls a big fucking monster. What I'm saying is, I really hate that fucking song.

I forgot about this match, but was looking forward to it last week. I would have Jesse and Festus win here to give them the belts, plus so if Morrison wins the MITB he can focus on that, and if he loses, he won't have to come off losing at Mania to another loss in losing his title, which he does need to do soon. I like this tag team, but Morrison could do a lot better by himself, and with the Draft coming up and the ECW Title going to any one of the many giant fucki ng monsters, he should move over to Raw or Smackdown (preferably Raw) and work his way up over there. But first, he needs to do something about that damn gimmick to make it more serious. Whatever the fuck that means, I don't know. Hey, Festus is in this match, wanna guess how it'll end? A mini-clusterfuck brawl.

Jesse & Festus vs WWE Tag Team Champions John Morrison & Miz, title match

Festus starts off with Morrison, you know how that goes. He chases Morrison up the ramp to bring him back into the ring. Miz comes flying in at Festus, but Festus catches him and stops that shit from happening again. Jesse gets the tag and comes off the top with a cross body for two on Morrison. However, because it's Jesse Morrison and Miz soon gain control and beat up on him for a couple minutes before he escapes with a hard fisherman suplex. Tag to Festus and he mauls Morrison and Miz. He tags Jesse back in and throws him for a big splash onto the prone Miz, but Morrison breaks up the pin. Festus gets sent out and the Miz is up to hit the Reality Check on Jesse for the win.

Winner : Miz and Morrison

Guess Jesse and Festus need even more time to build up before taking the title. That's fine, as long as they don't just do them like they did Moore Wang after their unsuccessful title bout. Plus they can definitely get more mileage out of Miz and Morrison, and it prolongs Miz's hopeless floundering as a singles star, anyway. By the way, this one went the same as all Festus matches do. Poorly.

They announce after the match that MVP will meet Y2J in a match next week. And no, it's not a Battle of the Acronyms and I'm not going to call it that. Y2J isn't an acronym. What an idiot you are to even think that. Commercials.

Why are there two J's in J.J. Walker? Jay is a fine name.

Back to the Raw Rebound and the Reslemania Rundown. ECW Champion Chavo makes his entrance accompanied by Edge and the Edgeheads as I wonder if anyone unfamiliar with wrestling suddenly tuned in to see a Mexican with all the gold followed by a group of blond haired, blue eyed guys who do his bidding and thought "Wow, WWE's progressive with race relations." Commercials.


Back and, thankfully, we didn't miss a moment of Undertaker's entrance. My favorite matches of his are the ones where we sit through that for an entire segment, then go to commercial right after the bell rings. Anyway, Cole and Coach repeatedly say their usual spiel, "Nothing like this entrance", "The aura is intense" and all that bullshit. Do they really think their babbling adds to it? Because it really, really doesn't.

ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero vs Undertaker, nontitle

Taker controls Chavito for a bit and lands the Old School. Edgeheads distract Taker for a second, but he regains the advantage quickly because Chavo sort of sucks. He sends Chavo to the corner and goes for a chokeslam, but Chavo just kicks Taker in the leg to break that. Taker with a side slam but the Heads are at it again, allowing Chavo to send Taker over and out of the ring, but he lands standing and goes right after the Major Mistakes. Chavo saves them though by kicking Taker from the ring through the ropes and sending him into the announcer's table. Chavo slams his head on the table and sends him back inside where he proceeds to waste time working Taker's arm. However, Taker, the no selling zombie, simply lifts Chavo up, while he's still in the arm lock, and slams Chavo down. Snake Eyes, big boot, etc. and Edge and a Head are up on the apron but Taker lays them out and Chavo takes a chokeslam. The other Head comes in and is sent right back out. It's cool though, the other Edges break his fall. Taker with the bloody choke now, and I'm not an outraged Brit, I simply don't know the name of the move. Chavo taps right the fuck out.
Winner : The Undertaker

After the match, Taker hits a double chokeslam onto the Edgeheads for like the fourth week in a row, but Edge connects with the spear. The Edges then all grab chairs and just lay into Taker. He starts to get up but Edge nails him in the face and that puts him down. He then lays Taker's head on a chair, yells "15 and 1", and connects with the One Man Conchairto. He's got his vicious insane face on, by the way. Been a while since we've seen that. Anyway. END SHOW.

Coffee Cake : The matches were all just a bunch of squashes except the tag match, so I'll say Y2J and MVP's encounter even though it wasn't special. Their match next week should be.

Coffee : The whole Battle Royal idea at Wrestlemania is stupid. It makes the ECW Championship look like an absolute piece of shit title. Not that Chavo Guerrero holding it does much to counteract that, but nevertheless. However, the Diva division was even worse than the Big Sack of Shit division.

Remember coffee candy? : Anyone else see Jillian Hall's 450 splash on Raw? I thought they banned cruiserweights from doing that move. Guess those moves are just for women. Now stop jumping around, London, and club more! You'll never get anywhere if you don't learn to club and do chinlocks. Why did they break up Londrick on Raw? They were great. I swear to God if the Hardy Boyz were around today, they'd be busted up after their first title reign. The tag team divisio n is shot, but what the hell, let's break up the best thing about it in five fucking years because if there's anything we need more of, it's floundering lower-midcarders, right Kane, Carlito, Elijah Burke, DH Smith, Paul Burchill, Chuck Palumbo, Jamie Noble, Mark Henry, and Shelton Benjamin? Yes, clearly, we need more of them, we have enough excellent tag teams that are fun to watch, get a big reaction, and both guys are getting over as hell, right Cade & Murdoch, Highlanders, Deuce & Domino, Jesse & Festus, Holly & Rhodes, and Carlito & Santino? Jesus what a stupid fucking move that was. Oh well, at least we can take solace in the fact that after being taken off the air for two months, because you just know Creative hasn't thought ahead about this at all, they'll just be back together without a word of dissention mentioned, right Cade & Murdoch and...well shit, that's all I can think of. But still.


 Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (03/28/08) 

Here it is, the WWE's last two hours before Wrestlemania! Time to cram as much shit as they can from all the other shows onto here because, let's face it, Raw kind of sucked, nobody watches ECW and Smackdown doesn't have shit to offer anyway. The show kicks off with Finger Eleven, and proceeds to go even farther downhill from there as Kane is making his way down to the ring to trade clubs with some big other guys.

Kane vs Mark Henry vs Chuck Palumbo vs The Great Khali, Over The Top Rope Battle Royal

ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero is on commentary since all four of these guys are number one contender contenders to his title, and will all be involved in the 24-Man Battle Royal before Wrestlemania to decide who will beat Chavo in Mania's curtain jerker. Other top-tier contenders include Cody Rhodes, Bob Holly, and Robbie of the Highlanders. Personally, I'll be watching that match on wwe.com before Wrestlemania just to see if they can get a TNA chant started up for Robbie.

Anyway, the story for this match was that since Kane's the lone face here, all the heels jumped him because, AS YOU KNOW, all heels and faces are forever in a mindless yet unquestioned war against eachother. Fuck that seven foot demon monster face and all his good morals! After Chuck lands a big boot on Kane, he gets thrown out immediately. After that, Henry and Khali gang up on Kane. Man, Kane is really making Khali look half-presentable tonight. By comparison, of I mean. Kane hasn't carried a match since. ..ever. Khali chokebombs Kane, who is then thrown out by Mark Henry. Henry then proceeds to suck it up (not an injury) for a bit with Khali before eliminating him.
Winner : Mark Henry

After the match, Chavo goes to attack Henry. Chavo comes off the turnbuckle, hoping to take Henry out of Wrestlemania with a crossbody apparently, but he gets slammed right the fuck down. Henry stands tall! Sort of! Seriously. Even next to Chavo, he doesn't look much different than Taz in clogs. Other than being obviously much heavier. And blacker. Also, you can't see his junk on display because his singlet isn't disgustingly short and tight. Plus a Henry crowd isn't ever exactly like Taz's at Heatwave 98, but fuck it. I've already made the comparison and I grudgingly stand by it.

Hey, later tonight, Edge is going to hold a FUNERAL FOR THE UNDERTAKER'S LEGACY! You know, just like Mark Henry did. And Randy Orton the year before that. And every fucking opponent he's ever feuded with, ever. I WONDER IF THERE'LL BE A CASKET~! Commercials.

An electric b string doubles as an acoustic e string.

Back! Diva segment. Nope! After that tremendous waste of time during which I may or may not have changed the channel and completely ignored my, um, "responsibilities" to this recap, I may or may not have changed back to see that it'll be John Morrison vs CM Punk. Guess you'll never know.
WWE Tag Team Champion John Morrison vs CM Punk

Yes. I loved, well, liked their ECW feud over the title last year, and that reluctance isn't due to their match work at all, that shit was great. It was more because what a huge fucking waste it was to have CM Punk the dedicated, extremely disciplined straight edge thupastha (although the only way you'd know that was from his shirt and the announcers repeating it as he never got any mic time to actually get his shit over) feuding with the guy whose character's derivation's likeness is synonymous with drug u se, the glitzy pretty boy from LA, the cocky, indulgent champion - and never once let them have a fucking promo against eachother that went deeper than "Imma get dat belt now, k?" inevitably followed by Morrison's third rate Y2J attempt at listing a bunch of shitty nicknames he came up for himself. "Oh, you'll never beat the Tuesday Night Delight, because I, as the Shaman of Sexy, am the sole proprietor of the Palace of Wisdom." Or whatever the fuck. Enthralling. But, that entire paragraph aside, their matc hes were always good and fun to watch. So, yes, I'll shut the fuck up and tell you about it now.

That briefcase that hovers over all MITB competitors' matches is there again tonight, and goddamn it if neither of these fuckers went for it. ITS RIGHT THERE YOU GUISE~! Right. Anyway, the two start off with a series of reversals until Morrison stuns Punk for a second with an elbow. Morrison goes for a kick but Punk grabs his leg, so Morrison does a one-armed handstand and nails Punk on the back of the head with his other foot. Coach then notes that either of these guys would love to be ECW Champion again. As if any-fucking-body would ever use the briefcase for that. Punk comes back with a spinning kick to Morrison and these guys haven't lost a step during their time floundering apart. They continue this back-and-forth trend which culminates in Punk coming off a whip into a crossbody that sends both guys out of the ring as we conveniently head to commercials.


Back and Punk's got a figure four locked in on Morrison's neck, but Johnny kicks it in nitro and flops himself over, getting his leg on the rope. Punk stays in control with a flapjack and Morrison willingly hurls himself out under the bottom rope to escape from Punk, holding his throat and shoulder. Morrison doesn't only bump like a motherfucker, but he sells, too! Punk goes out onto the apron in pursuit, but Morrison kicks his leg out from under his leg (TM Owen Hart) and Punk falls to the floor. Morrison rolls him back in and sends his shoulder into the steel post and works him over to get a two count. He targets the shoulder with a unique arm wrench. Punk chant starts up as he kicks his way out of it. Morrison off the ropes with a springboard spinning kick attempt but Punk ducks and Morrison kicks air. They exchange kicks and whips until Punk wins with a back body drop. Punk with a monkey flip on Morrison and off the ropes with a low dropkick to his face right after Morrison hit the mat. He follows up by c lotheslining him out of the ring.

Punk points at that big orange sign and then the briefcase, but then, instead of going for the briefcase and laying the challenge down now, the fool lands a suicide dive on Morrison on the outside. BUT DON'T YOU WANNA NUTHER ECW TITLE REIGN?! Apparently not, because Punk continues to go after Morrison, stalking him up the ramp as he begs off before grabbing him and rolling him back into the ring. Springboard clothesline is ducked by Morrison, but Punk rolls clear and is up to meet Morrison's charge with a p owerslam for two. The crowd is loud, for excellent reason. They exchange a few pin attempts. SHADES OF MALENKO-BEN, ER...JAMIN. I said Benjamin, Shelton Benjamin. You mean you didn't see their feud? It was all over No Heat. Don't tell me you don't watch Heat?! Ah, well. Anyway. Punk shoulder breaker gets him another nearfall. He charges Morrison in the corner and Morrison gets his foot up, but Punk stops himself. Morrison gets a backbreaker-neckbreaker combo for two. He lands a couple kicks to Punk's face b efore Punk gets him up into the fireman's carry, and the crowd pops, more because they've been trained to do so at this sight by Lesnar and Cena than actually caring about the GTS, but whatever. Morrison reverses with a rollup and Punk kicks out. Slingshot into corner, Pepsi One bulldog plunges Morrison down, and Punk goes for the cover as if he's ever won a fucking match with the bulldog. Morrison kicks out, leading to a huge Punk chant as he sets Morrison on the top turnbuckle. They trade punches and chop s over control before Punk lands a huge fucking Rana off the top. Double count now, but Punk crawls over and drapes his arm across Morrison, but he kicks out with his hips. That's a weird thing to say, but it's what he did. Both men up and Morrison counters the GTS by hammering elbows into Punk's head. He goes for the Soul Kitchen but Punk reverses into a quick GTS and falls to his knees to catch his breath before pinning Morrison for the well-deserved win, with every person in the crowd counting the three.

Winner : CM Punk

All I have to say after that match is, why in the FUCK do they even ever bother with guys like Mark Henry and Chuck Palumbo? If that showing didn't win Punk the MITB match this Sunday, then I hope it at least got some big fat sack of shit fired. Great match. I hate Smackdown. Commercials.

Remember that time CM Punk rode to the ring as one of John Cena's gangsters in the main event of Wrestlemania 22? Yeah, that's as close as Punk is ever going to get to the main event of Wrestlemania.

Wrestlemania press conference. I wonder if anybody from the press that doesn't work for wwe.com ever attends these things. And now, a six man tag.

WWE Tag Team Champion Miz & Cade & Murdoch vs Jesse & Festus & Kofi Kingston

First off, this is Kingston's first Smackdown match and, since I don't watch ECW, the first time I've seen him. Secondly, Cade and Murdoch are wearing these shitty new vinyl robes. HAHAHAHAHA. Jobbers for mother fucking life, man, don't even bother. By the way, so far Kofi seems like a fag.

Cade and Festus to start things off, and Cade admittedly cracks me up in his surprise over Festus' transformation. Festus chases him around the ring and back inside slams him. Murdoch comes in illegally to get slammed as well, and Miz gets uppercutted off the apron, just because. Jesse gets the tag and comes in with a shitty neckbreaker. I've never seen Jesse do anything that didn't convince me they pulled him out of OVW basic training early to stick him on tv. Anyway, he puts Cade in a headlock that goes n owhere and proceeds to get torn up by the heel team between tags because, well, that's just what Jesse does. He meets his "partner in peril" equal in Murdoch, and they fuck around for a bit before Kofi gets the tag.
Kofi comes in off the top turnubuckle with what looked to be a karate chop on Murdoch's arm. He reverses a whip into a crossbody pin on Murdoch for two. Apparently satisfied with his Smackdown debut, Kofi tags Jesse back in because tagging in the big fucking monster who never sells shit and always kills everybody is just too obvious. It has no tact. Jesse and Murdoch underwhelm everyone some more before Jesse goes up top, only for Miz to hilariously shov e him off from the apron and Jesse goes tumbling to the floor. Good. I hate Jesse. Miz got the tag I guess and so he rolls Jesse back in. Miz hides the fact that he sucks even worse than Jesse by angrily kicking and shoving Jesse a lot before quickly tagging back out to Lance Cade. He controls Jesse of course before tagging in Murdoch and lifting him up for an assisted leg drop for the two. I swear to God it sounded like Murdoch yelled "Steal our gimmick boy, huh?" Seriously. Youtube that shit. I'm too lazy . Jesse crawls toward his fellow gimmick thief but Miz is in to stop the hand transaction. He is on (basic) offense again and resorts to grinding his, um, mittens? into Jesse's face. Jesse escapes with a jawbreaker and tags in Kofi while Festus was busy getting bitchslapped by Cade on the outside. He comes in with what look to be, I'm going to sound like a fucking idiot, they look like horizontal karate chops. Like a Flair chop if Flair turned his hand sideways. He springs off the top turnbuckle with a big sunset flip on the Miz for two. Unnecessarily energetic Russian leg sweep, and then Kofi does what appears to be a sort of Scotty to Hotty tribute by going "Oh, oh, OH!" and dancing over Miz before landing a double leg drop to his stomach. This guy jumps around like a monkey. I guess they still live in the trees in Jamaica. Cade and Murdoch jump Koko before he can pin Miz, but Festus is in to mow them down. The ring is cleared save for Kofi and Miz, and Kofi hits a nice leaping kick to the face of Mizanin f or, um, the three? Well, that was anti-climactic.

Winner : Jesse, Festus, & Kofi Kingston

The move is apparently called the Jamaican buzzsaw, and in replays I see it does look good. For a kick. But I mean, okay, this can be your Pele, but you still need a Styles Clash or you just look like shit. Come on Kofi, Jamaican me crazy. Yep. Kofi teaches Jesse his dance and the announcers plug some of the shittier aspects of Wrestlemania as we go to commercials.

Catherine Wheel ferments.

Back and, look at this, Batista is facing a mystery Raw Superstar tonight to warm him up for his match this Sunday against Umaga. Who will it be, Ken Kennedy or Carlito or Paul Burchill or JBL or son of a bitch it's Snitsky.

Batista vs Snitsky

Batista spears Snitsky, then spinebusters him, then powerbombs him.

Winner : Batista

I know that sounds like a lazy way to recap any Batista match, but that's seriously all the fuck there was, thank God. Although it seems like a waste to have Snitsky go all of last year without getting pinned just to job him out in ten seconds here, it'd be an even bigger waste to continute putting time and effort into building up fucking Snitsky, so it's cool. After the match, Batista Bombs Snitsky onto a chair, just because.

Afterwards, we get a video for Taker and Edge and holy shit, Vickie got tombstoned in fucking November. What is that lazy bitch still doing in a wheelchair? Fucking Eddie moves around more than she does now. Although to be fair, it's not really him moving, but the worms under his skin. Did I make this little section as absolutely horrifying as possible? I like to think so. Commercials!

Hiker Perry on Route 34 called, he said KUM ON NAO JES JIZZ IN MAH MOUF A LIL BIT.

Back to a Wet And Wild Water Fight!

Victoria & Maryse vs Michelle McCool & Cherry

Yeah, right.

Winner : What are you, retarded?

MVP vs Jericho next. Champion vs Champion! United States vs All The Other Continents! Codebreaker vs Jailbreaker? Walls of Jericho vs...Walls of Prison? Lionsault vs Aggravated Assault? Yeah, that! Commercials.

If you want to see a truly disappointing movie, watch the ATHF:MFFT on adultswim.com. Know what's funnier than a classic Aqua Teen episode? Nothing. Know what's funnier than a new Aqua Teen episode? A classic Aqua Teen Episode. And anything else.

Back to bullshit, followed by MVP's entrance, which featured the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen. This fat old white guy in glasses in the crowd is sitting down and clapping along, rocking his shoulders to MVP's beats. He could have very easily been retarded, but hey, if you're going to look that fucking stupid, even mental illness doesn't exempt you from mocking. In the ring, MVP says after Mania, everyone will call him Money in the Bank. Strange, I thought MVP was notorious for taking money out of a bank. Might as well start calling Booker T Mr. Money In The Register. Or not, because that joke was stupid and embarrassing. Jericho makes his entrance, and unfortunately the cameraman doesn't give us an update on the dancing retard to see if he digs Break The Walls as much as he did MVP's tick-tockin'.

United States Champion MVP vs Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho, nontitle

They're playing up the fact that these guys don't like eachother with a lot of stiff reversals and angry-sounding grunting. I mute the tv. Not because of the grunting, but because Coach and Cole just repeated the Money in the Bank rules and list of competitors for the third fucking time since the last commercial break, so, yeah. Fuck that shit. They stay on eachother for a bit until they wind up in the corner and the ref breaks them up. A bitchslap from MVP gets him taken down and they exchange punches. Jer icho's elbow busts P in the face, so MVP catches his breath on the outside where he makes a gesture that the announcers say is the NBA signal for a time out. I don't know, I don't watch sports, ever, but there you go. Jericho dropkicks his ass through the middle rope and lands on his feet on the outside - that could've easily fucked up. Y2J slams MVP's head into the announcer's table and goes back in, content with a count out win. P is up on the apron and Jericho looked for his springboard dropkick, but MVP stopped that with a nice looking boot to Jericho's throat. No, really. It actually did connect there, and not in the abdomen but Cole says it's the throat or temple anyway. I muted him, remember? That gets two, and Y2J regains control and charges at P in the corner, but P dodges and Jericho hits the turnbuckle and goes on tumbling to the outside as we go to commercials.

Why did the Reese's break up with the Hershey's Kiss? He couldn't get past second base. Thank you.

Back and MVP's got Chris Jericho in a sitting abdominal stretch. He gets to his feet and escapes only for MVP to knee him in the head as Jericho charged. He drops some knees and picks up a couple nearfalls before getting in Jericho's face and trashtalking while pounding away on him. P stands Jericho up and gets in more punches before Jericho reverses a whip into a rollup for two. MVP up with an eye poke and a knee to the face. BALLIN elbow drop gets two, so he whips Jericho into the corner and goes for his running boot but Jericho dodges and P's leg gets hung up before he limps away. Jericho off the top with a forearm to MVP's back that would have been much, much cooler if it was a bulldog, but it wasn't a botch. JUST SHITTY BOOKING ONCE AGAIN PS JOE IS ROOLZ N' OWNS "TRIPLE GAY".

Okay. Back to the match, I'll admit it, I unmuted it back when MVP was trashtalking, and now I'm pissed off again. The announcers say Jericho's been in ladder matches before (without mentioning he invented MITB, but that is to be expected) and then repeat the goddamn rules of it AGAIN. What the fuck, either these guys are sweating for something to say, or they suffer from severe short-term memory loss akin to Ten Second Tom. Back to mute. Now, back to the match. Again. Jericho and MVP exchange control with big moves. A big clothesline from Jericho got him a nearfall, but MVP put him back down with a release belly to belly suplex. Jericho gets two off a Northern Lights Suplex pin. Pretty awesome that I know that move's name. Go customizable movesets on vidya games! Enziguri and bulldog from Y2J but MVP gets his knees up to block the Lionsault, which Jericho sells by standing completely upright before taking a knee and gasping. It sounds like shit but it looked good. Huge running boot puts Jericho down and he b arely kicks out. P dragging J to his feet leads to an attempt to get MVP in the Walls, but P kicks him away and nailed a second huge running boot to Jericho's face for another two. Playmaker set up but Jericho spins out and locks in the Walls of Jericho for all of three seconds. MVP grabs the bottom rope and goes out on the apron, guillotining Jericho when he came over to him. He walks off and grabs both belts, throwing the Intercontinental belt into the ring and entering holding his own. The ref confiscate s Jericho's belt but P charges with the US title. Jericho however counters the charge with a Codebreaker that sent P's face into his own belt.

Winner : They didn't say, so we'll just say Tommy Dreamer. He could use a win.

Cole states MVP has been disqualified (you got me, I don't literally mute the tv, but that's not because they don't suck, I'm just really lazy) and Jericho cracks up laughing. He then goes out and pulls out a ladder, to which Cole exclaims "THE LADDER IS USED TO RETRIEVE THE BRIEFCASE." Muted. Really. No, really. Jericho runs at P and the ladder bounces off his head, putting him down. Jericho then poses over MVP, holding up the ladder like a ridiculously cumbersome belt, before throwing it down and posing o n the turnbuckle. He makes his exit looking back and forth between his Intercontinental belt and the briefcase. That was pretty cool. But up next - Bullshit!

Don't be food.

Back to John Legend reminding us he'll be at Wrestlemania this Sunday, just in case there was anyone on the fence about buying it.

And now, for your main event, Edge is out! In a suit. Damn, that's right. His lackeys only get dress shirts. Edge has got his solemn sunglasses on and enters the ring, where there's a casket and candles and a Taker portrait and potted plants and all that spooky shit. There's also Vickie in a black veil. She looks like the unlovable child of Elvira and Pugsley Addams. She's still in her wheelchair and is still legal owner of her "servant" Teddy Long, who is out in his best and only suit. He introduces Vickie as SD! GM and the World Heavyweight Champion Edge. Edge proceeds to go on about Taker's Wrestlemania Streak, including listing all his victims and saying "the annals of history", just like every year. And I cringe, just like every year. He then gets all worked up and angry and says all of Taker's accomplishments will be eclipsed by THE RATED ARRR SUPERSTAARRR, and kind of spit when he said it. Edge is crazy. He hands the mic to Vicky and she talks him up, leading to him nuzzling her neck, which makes her t hrow her head back and laugh, giving us all a clear shot of those great big old horse teeth. Watch your fingers, Edge! She says "the boys and I have a surprise for you", and a video is played showing, among other things, Vickie's fat ass. The end of the video stated that Edge is a beacon of hope against Undertaker, and he will become a legend. Edge is near tears upon watching it and hugs his man-children. He then turns to Vickie and says she truly is the love of his life. He then speared her out of her fucking chair.

Goddamnit why couldn't that be true? I hate Vickie, and I really don't want to recap that stupid wedding. What's he need her for now anyway? Ah, well. Maybe after Wrestlemania. Anyway, what actually happened was Edge licked Vickie's face until Undertaker's gong donged. The lights dimmed a dark blue and Edge directed both Edgeheads to immediately leave the ring and hurry up the entrance ramp. Well, SURPRISE! To someone, somewhere, maybe. Taker gets up out of the casket and punches Edge in the corner as the E dgeheads rush over to get beat up on as well. Taker then lifts Edge up and, in the most assisted chokeslam ever, gently sets him in the padded cushiony casket. Teddy gets right the fuck away when Taker turns his attention to Vickie, and she follows by getting up out of her chair and sort of oozing out of the ring. It was pretty awkward. Taker then busts one Edgehead through the podium and tombstones another as we see Edge, um, "recovering" and making his escape from the ring while the other Edgehead also re ceived a tombstone. Taker then stares Edge down from the ring, but decides he doesn't care enough to go after him. Kneel pose, eye roll, and this has been the last stop on the Road to Reslemania, folks. Hope you enjoyed, um, something, somewhere? END SHOW.

HEATWAVE '98 : I absolutely loved Punk and Morrison, that was a great match. Contributing factors to its greatness could be the fact that I'm huge fans of both guys and Smackdown is usually full of complete shit, but regardless. A very good match even on its own. I know for sure it won't happen, but I hope to hell one of these two wins the case anyway, just so I'll have something to bitch about next week. Jericho and MVP was entertaining as well.

WRESTLEMANIA '08 (Okay, not really, it actually looks kind of good) : ECW's Big Sacks of Shit Division. Again.

In Memory of Highlander Robbie : I remember years ago on Raw when Stevie Richards would don a dress and interfere in Victoria's matches for a few weeks and the announcers were like "Who is this mystery woman?" and then one time he did it and the camera closed up on his face, but it was covered so you couldn't see it, except a guy in the crowd right behind him clearly shouted "STEVEN RICHARDS, HEY! HEY IT'S STEEEVEEEN RICHARDS!" so loudly King had to acknowledge it and was like "Hey, do you think it could be Steven Richards, JR?" and JR said "Well, uh, well frankly I don't know what to think." That was amazing.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).