SmackDown Rant Archive (March 2008)
March 08, 2008
March 14, 2008
March 21, 2008
March 28, 2008
Anyway, what the fuck was I...that's right, Ric Flair. Edge disses Flair for being old so Flair disses Edge for dissin' Vickie by using her to advance his career so Vickie disses Flair by making it Flair vs The Three Edges next week in a cage and so Flair disses Edge by slapping the chin off his face. Exaggerating, of course. You couldn't get that chin off with dynamite. Commercials!
Speaking of dynamite and by proxy Good Times, 12 Oz Mouse movie is finally out. It makes for a great watch or a great gift or a great doorstop. Just throw twelve dollars at it anyway. Needs another season, yo.
Back to a reminder of Batista vs MVP for the US Title later tonight. Maybe Matt Hardy will come back to set up an actually decent midcard match for Mania (see : Finlay vs JBL, Batista vs Umaga, Big Show-Boxer) He needs to return, seriously who the fuck is out four months due to an appendix?
Anyway, EC-Dub time, and tonight's match actually does kind of resemble the original ECW. You know, except for that whole "rules" thing. Anyway, it's a six man tag match featuring some wanna be rockers (like Public Enemy) and a small, brown champion (like Sabu) taking on some rednecks (Dudleys) and a young star with a bright future ahead of him (Mass Transit). What, what happened?
WWE Tag Team Champions John Morrison & The Miz & ECW World Champion Chavo Guerrero vs Jesse & Festus & CM Punk
Festus does his usual schtick at the sound of the ring bell by charging the heels and sending them running out of the ring. After THAT UNCONTROLLABLE MONSTER Festus is told to go wait on the apron for a tag, he does and Miz and Punk start things off. Nice kick by Punk to Miz's MIDSECTION, but Miz reverses spinning heel kick attempt by draping Punk over the ropes and tags in Chavo Guerrero. Oooh, Chavo...what the fuck happened to your hair, man? You look like the before picture in a Chia Pet commercial. Punk tags out to Jesse because, well, can't can't just tag in the big crazy monster and end this right here. Chavo goes for an arm drag, but Jesse reverses that into an arm drag on Chavo. If there's one thing Jesse knows, it's basic wrestling techniques. And hypnotism. But mostly OVW first month basic training. Anyway, Morrison enters illegally but so does Festus and he stops that shit. Jesse goes up top but Miz gets a cheap pop on Jesse. He yelled "I hate your hometown of Bumblefuck, Alabama!". The two guys in the crowd from there boo between gulps of beer and arguing over who gets to bang their mother's daughter next. GEDDIT? BECAUSE ALABAMA = DRUNK AND INCESTUOUS! Commercials.
I still don't know what a plancha is.
Back and Chavo has gotten the predictable upper hand in his battle with Jesse. Tag to Morrison who locks in an armbar, then tags to Miz while Jesse escapes and tags in Festus. He starts leveling people with his OVW Basic Training - Big Guy Classes and pins Miz for two, so this match devolves into a brawl like most Festus matches do for some reason. As the heels came in to break it up, Punk and Jesse took out Morrison and Chavo. Jesse with a suicide dive to the outside on The Poser King and Miz is left to ta ke the Tropical Storm, or whatever the hell an F-1 is.
Winner : Punk, Jesse, & Festus
I don't think Jesse and Festus have gotten a tag title shot. They should. And win them, too. Not because I give a fuck about them or the tag titles, but because Morrison should start easing away from Miz. Maybe throw him in the MITB match at Mania for him to lose to Jeff Hardy but still put on a hell of a showing. Pre-steroid bust, this guy was getting groomed on ECW to get a fair push on another show, they should start going for that again. Or, at the very least, just get him the fuck away from the Miz. I mean, I like their tag team, but, okay. People liked the Rockers too, but come on. And the Miz is like Marty Jannetty times a thousand. Minus making myspaces for his cats and holding conversations with them, his cats, on myspace. That comes at least three firings and rehirings and half a dozen two-night stints in rehab later.
In the back now, Michelle McCool is talking to Jamie Noble in that bitchy reverse psychology girls use to tell you they want you to do something while simultaneously making you feel like shit for not having done it yet. In this case, it's McCool telling Noble he doesn't have to prove anything to her by beating up Chuck Palumbo. Jamie says don't worry, I know how you feel about me. McCool is like "Thank God, I thought I was going to have to stamp FRIEND ZONE on your fucking face." But Noble shows his ignoran ce of the fact that all girls like jerks, the moron, and starts saying how he knows she's nuts about him, but he's not a one-woman kinda guy and needs to let her off the hook and recast her into the sea. Come on WWE, he's not a fisherman, you know you could've thought up a cool redneck stereotype way to say that! Like "I can't be devotiating all my time to a womens who don't even have the same heterozygote as me!" or "Bitch you make me wear a condom all the damn time." There's room in Jamie's trailer for si x kids, Michelle! As long as they don't mind sharing rooms. Rooms that may or may not be otherwise considered closets by a realtor. Anyway, Michelle survives this devastating rejection and Noble wanders off. Well, that was a fucking bullshit way to end that feud. Chuck Palumbo never even got to choke a bitch or anything! Damn. Commercials.
Candy corn could just be colored bits of garbage and no one would know, because no one could eat two of them to see if they even taste the same.
Back and it's time to see if MVP can gun down a man whose walked a mile through a pit of danger. Probably not, guns are dangerous, and so there were probably some of them in that pit. But then again, MVP's done like ten years in the pen, so who knows, maybe he knows some special way to gunning, like holding it sideways and saying "Bitch" a lot. Guess we'll find out.
United States Champion MVP vs Batista, US Title Match
They stall for a bit with lockups in the corner and technical shit, and MVP furthers the stalling by rolling out of the ring. Back in, Batista just kicks him, so P rolls out again. Batista chases MVP around and catches him, rolling him in the ring and landing a drop toe hold inside. Batista with some awkward submission offense now, but P breaks the single crab by getting to the ropes. He rolls out yet again as we stroll on to commercials.
I stole a bunch of fake grapes from a grocery store Thaanksgiving display when I was little. Just clearing my conscience.
Back and Batista is winning with his usual bullshit that you can probably guess and I don't even need to gloss over by saying "grunting shoulder thrusts in the corner" and stuff like that. MVP kicks Batista's leg out from under his leg (TM Owen Hart) and hits his FIERCE running boot. Coach chimes in that "In order to win the title, MVP doesn't have to win, but Batista does". No fucking shit, that's kind of the entire champion-challenger concept. If the challenger wins, he gets the title from, who? The champ ion. Goddamnit Cole. That's right, Cole's still getting blamed. At least Coach is usually silent. Cole spouts bullshit the whole night through. Dude needs to get made fun of on a weekly basis again. Or slapped again. Or raped again. Whatever the fuck shuts him up. Anyway. Dropkick to Batista's leg, and then the thing where P slams Batista's face into his high knee. That's right, that's the name of the move. No, you're an incompetent recapper! Whatever, we've seen this match in almost the exact same incarnat ion for, what's it been, five consecutive weeks now? MVP hits some running boots! Batista hits some power moves, roar! MVP's submission doesn't mean shit! And they fight in the corner a lot! It's the same bullshit. Skipping to the ending, SPINEBUSTER! MVP goes for a lowblow attempt but Batista avoids it and, instead of going for the Bomb like I thought, Batista kicks P out of the ring. Heads it's a count out, tails it's DQ. Turns out it's heads! P kicked Batista away from the ring until the count of ten.
Winner : MVP
Well, that was boring. Maybe because that was there third or fourth straight singles match in less than a month. Maybe. Oh, don't forget the tag matches as well! Why not have Batista actually start some shit with Umaga, you know, his Wrestlemania opponent? And why doesn't Matt Hardy come back and team with Batista so they can beat P and Umaga in a tag match to make Hardy look all credible and win the US Title at Mania? Or why not just leave MVP off of tv until after Mania and have Batista destroy Deuce and Domino in the weeks leading up to it, I don't care whatever the fuck you want, just not MVP-Batista AGAIN.
storyline needs a RE-ME-DEEEY. Commercials.
Back and Jamie Noble barges into Vickie's office. Guess he must have paid off Vickie's slave/guard Teddy Long with a map of safehouses leading to Canada. Must have. That's why it's not good to use slaves who despise you as your body guards. Anyway, Noble demands a match with Chuck Palumbo tonight. Looks like this is still going even without McCool's involvement. Good, at least this way it might have a bloody decent payoff. Literally bloody, I wasn't talking British for a second to sound quirky. Vickie asks about the size difference and Noble says he doesn't give a shit. Vickie informs him that Chuck already has a match tonight. What the fuck? Dude hasn't faced anyone but Noble and jobbers since his re-re-debut six months ago, Vickie can't cancel a match with some jobbers? She has something for him, though - Noble can face the Big Show! We're now reminded of the old storyline where Vickie would put Noble against giants week after week. That stupid Noble, even after all this time and all those squashes he still hasn't learned his place as a Cruiserweight. Oh well, hopefully Big Show can pummel it into him. He knows boxing now, you know!
Bullshit Hall of Fame bullshit is bullshit. Rock's undeserving relatives and Mae Young. Oh well, Flair's going in too, so nobody'll pay attention to the other guys and dykes. Commercials.
I can hear the moon at night.
Back and Michael Cole makes the grand announcement that Kim Kardashian, yes that's THE Kim Kardashian, will be a special guest hostess at Wrestlemania. Wow! They should've saved that "Big Time" theme for THIS year's Wrestlemania! Jesus Christ. I don't even know who the fuck Kim Kardashian is other than she has a shitty show on E! about her doing nothing and occassionally getting her nails did. And I only know that much because I watch The Soup and they make fun of it sometimes. That's right, I watch The Sou p. Joel McHale is hilarious, fuck you. Masculinity defense out of the way...Guest host? Does Wrestlemania ever even have a host? Like what is she going to do, welcome us to the show and, erm, say goodnight at the end? I wonder if she's getting paid twenty million dollars to do a useless job, too. Assuming Mayweather does do the job, that is.
ANYWAY. The point is, Wrestlemania would be good if it wasn't for all the shit. But now it's time for Coach to host a diva contest. It's apparently a voting thing like the Diva Search, except they're using their already useless Divas for this since apparently they've finally decided they have enough. Eve Torres, Maryse, Michelle McCool, Cherry, and Victoria are the contestants and they'll do shit like dance and strip for a few weeks I guess and the winner will win a motorcycle from some guy. They had a video of him but I didn't care enough to not go get a drink, so it looks like I have a new thing to not recap every week in place of Big Daddy V matches. Anyway, the divas all did basic posing shit except Victoria who was made to look like an idiot. She had a problem taking her top off and fell off the turnbuckle while she was posing. Take THAT for having wrestling ability on a wrestling show, bitch! They were blatantly telling you to vote for Michelle, by the way, so if you're going to actually vote. ..vote anyone but Michelle. Let's make them give fucking Cherry or some useless shit a push. It'll be great. Commercials.
I found this dress I'm making a girl wear to prom, it looks like a giant cheeseburger with like strips of green and brown for the lettuce and meat and stuff like that. I'm going as the Hamburglar. Spike the punch with ketchup, it'll be a fun time.
Holy shit. Either Kane is going to job to Palumbo, or they're about to ruin six months worth of a big undercard push with one match. Either way, fucking idiots.
Chuck Palumbo vs Kane
They exchange punches and both guys look allright. Palumbo with a big clothesline that puts Kane down. He throws some more punches and lands another clothesline. Chuck gets a two count off that, but Kane comes back with a big boot followed by a clothesline. He then lays into Palumbo in the corner, hitting him with some corner charges and his TM'd side slam. No other like it, I'm telling you. And may or may not be lying to you. Anyway, Kane goes up but Chuck stops that shit and sends him back to the mat, whe re he delivers a big boot. He looks to start in on some more offense, but Kane just shakes it off and levels him with a chokeslam for the win.
Winner : Kane
Fuck that shit. Palumbo did look somewhat credible, but really this match was way too early. It should've at least been put off until after Palumbo beat Noble to blow off their feud. Or if anything he should've faced and defeated Mark Henry or somebody if they wanted to show him hang with a big guy. Can't kill old Mizark's credibility though, I guess. Whatever he has left after having lost more straight matches than Deuce and Domino combined. Big Show lumbers toward the ring as we go to commercials.
Regina Spector is a Russian classical pianist. Who occassionally raps. Look into it, you'll hardly regret it.
Back where some boxing people you don't care about talked about a match you don't care about, mostly because both the guys involved...you don't care about.
And now, not to break the cycle of apathy, here's Big Show a cruiserweight!
Big Show vs Jamie Noble
Noble's punches bounce off Show's stomach and he gets thrown away. Laying sprawled in the corner, Big Show waddled over and Noble just straight busted his balls open with a kick for the disqualification.
Winner : Big Show
Holy shit that was awesome, I always wondered why guys in Noble's spot didn't just do that in those squash matches. But afterwards Show destroys Noble with his mad boxing skills, causing Noble to fall over and die, coughing up blood. Big Show says lots of people don't like him, but more people, including wrestlers, hate Floyd. No arguement. He asks Mayweather if his career is worth twenty million dollars. What a stupid fucking question. Commercials.
Busting your ass fighting for a living, or getting paid twenty million dollars to sit on your ass for the rest of your life with all the rest of your millions. Um, and also you...uh, lose your sense of smell or something. CHOOSE WISELY.
Back to a couple announcements that pissed me off. First, Batista will get a rematch at MVP's US Title next week in a No Holds Barred match. One, Batista doesn't deserve another shot, he lost. Two, why is he even fighting for the US Title, he's never held anything but World Titles. And third, if they don't use that match for Matt Hardy to interfere, I'll use the caps lock to express my disapproval or something. The second announcement was that Flair's handicap cage match next week will NOT be a career threa tening match. Bullshit. The deal was if Flair lost ONE more match, his career is over. Any match. You can't have a "non-career threatening match", that ruins the credibility of the whole thing because one, it doesn't make sense that Vince would allow it if he really wants Flair to retire, and two, it kills the story of Flair's desperation to keep his career alive. So fucking stupid for such a shitty irrelevant match anyway. But now it's time for THIS WEEK'S shitty irrelevant throwaway handicap main event ma tch.
World Heavyweight Champion Edge & Curt Hawkins & Zack Ryder vs Undertaker, Handicap match
And this handicap match involves tagging. Of course it does. It's not like Vickie has THAT much power! I'm not recapping this, nobody cares. It's what you'd expect it to be, Taker hits his moves despite constant interference. The finish saw Edge get the final tag and was locked in Taker's new choke hold, but the Edgeheads broke it up. They both get double chokeslammed in a spot that actually looked allright. Not believeable of course, but you know. Anyway, after that Taker turns around and got drilled with a spear and pinned cleanly by Edge.
Winner : Edge
Edge then gathered his Heads from the mat and left up the ramp while Taker got up to point at the blue Wrestlemania sign on the ceiling. Edge answered by raising his World Title over his head in a good way to end the show. Um, END SHOW.
Lion King : Best match was the six man ECW tag, but that only won by default. The main event tonight set up one of Wrestlemania's main events in a good way, but the nicest thing about this week was a break from not only The Great Khali but Big Daddy V as well. Could've used more Matt Hardy, though. And by more I mean any.
Lion King 2 : MVP-Batista. Not a bad match by itself. Bad when you consider the fact that they've faced eachother a ton of times in the past month and barely change their match formula. The whole Edge vs Ric Flair thing they started is looking pretty stupid as well.
Remember Lion King 1 and a half? : Remember when you actually gave a shit about the celebrities appearing at Wrestlemania? Of course not. But man, this year's group is about the worst ever. Nobody knows who Kim Kardashian is, nobody cares about Snoop Dogg, I'm pretty sure John Legend is a combination of both those descriptions, and Floyd Mayweather's match is going to be a tremendous waste of time and money. There's not even a fucking guy involved in that match anyone gives a shit about, let alone a face. Y ou'd think it'd be Big Show since, you know, he's the wrestler at the wrestling show and in his home state, but then he went and killed Rey Mysterio. The only thing good that can come out of it, I guess, is the hilariously pissed off crowd reaction. Come on, Orlando, make Goldberg-Lesnar's crowd look like 1980s Memphis marks!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).