THEWRESTLINGFAN.com - LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN: Mar. 2007

SmackDown Rant Archive (March 2007)

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (03/02/07)

You know what’s more irritating than having to write the fucking Smackdown Report? Having to write the Smackdown Report twice.

Let’s be honest, it always feels repetitive. But this time, it IS repetitive. I have already written this shit once. Unfortunately, just as I was detailing a performance by Lashley that was ACTUALLY interesting, my laptop died.

So I’m keeping this short, sharp and angry. Oh so very fucking angry. Lets get this show on the road.

Batista comes out to start the show, and already I’m depressed. This is the exact same way that they started the show last week. Which means I have covered the exact same thing three times. This is like Groundhog Day, only I don’t have to kiss Andie McDowall. Every cloud has a silver lining. She looks like a foot.

He says the Mania match will be very messy. Way ahead of you pal, TWF have been saying that for months.

Then Taker appears on the screen and says, ‘MAAAAANKIIIIND, You will never….rest…in…peeeeeaaaaaace.’ No, wait, that was in 1996 when he first did this exact same fucking interview. And Lance Storm says that the Dub is real strong at the moment. Well, fucking YEEEEAAAH. That’s because they are repeating all of their good stuff.

Taker says that everybody gets buried eventually, which would imply a Buried Alive match. Which would imply that Michaels and Cena will headline Mania, because they never end Mania with a gimmicky match.

Match One:- Matt Hardy vs. Someone Different. Nah, just kidding, it’s Joey Mercury. MITB Qualifier.

For FUCKS sake. I have reviewed this exact same match, not just tonight, but for the past two fucking months.

The conclusion sees Matt doing something new? Original? Unexpected? Don’t be fucking stupid. He goes for the mask. He gets an elbow in the face for his trouble, and Mercury goes to the top rope only to be met with a SECOND ROPE TWIST OF FATE! I love finishers when they do them from the top rope. Really puts over the added power.

Winner:- Matt Hardy.

Hey, at least Joey Mercury doesn’t have to face his fear.

Mercury:-Look, Vince, could I PLEASE go over tonight? Just this once?
Vince:-Sure thing.
Mercury:-What, really?
Vince:-Why not.
Mercury:-Wow, okay!
Vince:-(aside) Hey guys, change of plan! Tonight, Joey goes over in the Money In The Bank Qualifier. Isn’t that right Mercury…. Mercury?
Mercury:-(Laying in a corner, in a faetal position, sucking his thumb) Ladd… lad….
Vince:-…never mind.

OOOH! LOOK! KRYSTALL and MVP are backstage by god! And no matter how much EXCITEMENT I inflect into this, I STILL don’t give a fuck!! WOW!

Match 2:- Scotty, Wang and Shannon vs. Daivari, Chavo and Helms.

I didn’t give a crap about this the first time I wrote it. Hell, the Dub doesn’t give a shit about cruiserweights, why should I? Hell, they gave the Light Heavyweight Championship AWAY, to Japan, for years. So whilst this match was going on, I was playing Clock with my trusty pack of cards, and glancing up every so often.

My first glance up, I see Scotty Too Hotty hitting the ten punches in the corner. DEAR GOD NO! How could I be missing this hard hitting high impact lucha action!? For FUCKS sake.

Second time, I see Wang Yang hitting some offensive maneuvers, and everything this guy does looks clean and crisp… standing moonsault, nice. Some flip kick variation, sweet. And now… Scotty is setting up for the Worm. Aaaaand, back to my game.

I glanced up luckily to see the end of the match. Wang Yang hitting a big moonsault on Daivari for the win. They are wasting this guy.

Winner:- Wang and co.

Mr McMahon comes down, because what everybody wants is for WWE’s ‘wrasslin’ show to be watered down yet further by shitty talking.

Vince says something, and then cums a little in his tighty whiteys at the sound of his own voice.

He shows the video of Lashley doing the only interesting thing he has done since the King Of The Ring. At least now Lashley is one up on Mark Henry now that we know he can break a gimmicked cage at will.

Lashley tells Vince that he wants to play ‘wing awound the woses‘. Vince then slaps Lashley for sounding like a homosexual, but apparently Lashley likes it rough, and chases Vince out of the ring. Vince runs like the wind, saving his anus for another day.

Kennedy asks Vince for an ECW championship match backstage, and Vince says that the match will be NO DQ. But only for… erm… Kennedy. So let me get this straight. The EXTREMIST isn’t allowed to use weapons, but the ‘superstar’ is? Isn’t that like telling a rapist that he can’t use his penis? But that the attackee can indeed use a cucumber?

Match 3:- BOOBIES!

That’s all you are getting from me there. Moving swiftly on.

Match 4:- Money In The Bank Qualifier: Finlay vs. Chris Benoit vs. MVP.

Before the match, Finlay brings to life one of my all time fantasies. By hitting Michael Cole, you fucking sick freak! He then tells us that Little Bastards name is Hornswaggle. Great, except for Finlay sounds like Captain Jack Sparrow, and that is not a convincingly aggressive voice.

This is a potentially good match, with MVP thrown in to water it down. Because we wouldn’t want to ENJOY the show, would we now? Finish sees Hornswoggle (nope, it still sucks) distract the ref so that Finlay could hit both MVP and Benoit with the shileighleighleighleigh for the pin.

Great, Finlay is in the MITB. The obvious choice would have been Benoit, because he is so good in those matches, but meh. As much as I love Finlay, the guy is old. And I wouldn’t want to see my grandad plummet 20 feet.

He’d sell it terribly.

Winner:- Finlay.

Jerry Lawler is in the Hall Of Fame. I hear they are making him his own individual wing. He had heard rumours that if he shared a wing with the other inmates, they did nasty stuff to guys like him, like put glass in his porridge and stuff. Heh.

My GOD, lets just get the main event over with. This ran to five pages on Word earlier. I have dwindled it down to three. Heh, that’s why they hired me, guys.

Main Event:- Lashley vs. Kennedy, no rules for Kennedy.

Kennedy exposes turnbuckles, which would be illegal at any other time, but not under these rules. Because it is illegal to expose that DANGEROUS tiny steel ring, but legal to throw your opponent into the COMPLETELY MADE OF STEEL ring steps. That is because the TINY steel must hurt more. Something to do with surface area. And also, something to do with RETARD.

Kennedy with CLOSED FISTS. AGAIN illegal. AGAIN more painful than those placid lame steel ring steps, AGAIN smaller surface area, and again, fucking retarded. Lashley makes a small comeback, and goes to throw Kennedy into the EXPOSED STEEL! OH NO! But… he can’t. He slams him instead. Don’t worry Lashley, just use the COMPLETELY LEGAL RING STEPS.

Now Kennedy hit’s a LOW BLOW. Legal. I am really enjoying this match, the psychology rules. But I’m starting to get worried that, as strong as it will make Lashley look, it will bury Kennedy.

Kennedy continues to use the turnbuckles, and then THROWS HIM INTO THE STEEL STEPS OF COMPLETE LEGALITY. Well that’s just weak, Kennedy, those big metal bastards wouldn’t hurt a fly. Infact, a fly once bashed into one at a house show once. The fly just rolled with the punch and kept going but the steps were a write off. Kennedy with the wrist tape now, and this has been more hardcore than anything the Gersh has reviewed in months. HA! I rule, it’s simple maths.

Kennedy is targeting the knee now, whenever Lashley begins a comeback, Kennedy chops him down. Next, a chair. Lashleys head makes a hole in the chair because of the excessive force on such a small object. Okay, there was no hole and the joke sucked. Fuck you. Lashley kicks out at two.Lashley then gets the steel chair and… the ref stops him! NOT YOUR JOB YOU STUPID BASTARD JUST CALL THE MATCH. That would have been the ideal finish, the extremist losing it completely, getting disqualified, going on a rampage, nobody gets buried, everyone looks strong. But the Dub will only give us DQ finishers when we DON’T want them, or when they serve NO purpose.

Nice finish, (at least visually) sees Kennedy fo to work on the knee but Lashley leaps over him and… hit’s the power slam. Wow, Kennedy, you chump.

End.

Stored In The Swagbag:- Loved the psychology of the last match. Lashley actually looked good too. Miracles do happen.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- Where is Teddy Long, for one? Why is Kennedy losing like that? Why is Scotty getting this minor push? Why is Vince still shilling his shite? Why is Matt still working with Mercury? Etc. Etc. Dear Christ, Smackdown is the best show WWE produces, but by GOD it’s frustrating.

I’m done. AGAIN.

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The Anvil's Swagbag has eight girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (03/09/07)

I hear rumours that CM Punk will be on the show tonight. However I do NOT hear rumours that number one contenders like Deuce and Domino will be on ECW this week, nor that Jamie Noble will ever be on TV. Ever. The moral of this story? Smackdown is less important than anything else in the history of time. I mean, seriously, who wants to see wrestlers wrestle on a wrestling show when Vince could be TALKING about shaving Donald Trumps head. Just… just read that back to yourself. Fuck, they’ll be giving The Miz a chat show next. HAHAHAA! Nah, that would just be stupid. Infact, if that ever happens, I shall shove a poisoned umbrella up my anus and open it.

Match 1:- Matt Hardy vs… KING BOOKER?

Now usually, I make a point of going into a bit of detail in the first match. I mean hey, start strongly and THEN get lazy. But to be honest, I was so amazed that Hardy was wrestling somebody whose name does not end with Helms or Mercury that I literally sat and gaped at the TV for fifteen minutes straight as the drool dribbled slowly down my chin and collectively gathered itself on the crotch of my jeans.
This is a battle of the bankers, and I know that Hardy is going to lose because… that’s right… he’s not fighting somebody whose name ends with Mercury.
Sure enough, the guys hit all their regular spots, the psychology being that… erm… they both have a lot of spots to hit. And eventually Sharmell gets involved, with her SHOE nonetheless, god dam that old devastating slip on, and Booker gets a questionable victory. I reckon that if Sharmell died tomorrow, we’d see the Bookin Brawler. People would be diggin’ that so that they could bury him yet further. (My WORST JOKE EVER). Either that, or he’d go back to Sherri, call Hogan a ‘niggah’, and tag with a large penis standing on end. Oh, and aswell as Stevie Ray, probably Hugh G Rection too.

Winner:- Booker.

Batista bangs on some more about not being afraid of the Undertaker. Yeah? I’m not afraid of muffins, and I have the good courtesy to shut the fuck up about it. But if I DID do a promo about not being afraid of muffins, it would STILL be more passionate than this bullshit.

Maryse is taking up more of my TV time looking pretty and doing pretty much fuck all.

Who could that be in the back?? It’s… it’s THEODORE LONG! I thought he was dead, but nay, here he is in the flesh. MVP comes in to ask him for a favour.

MVP:- Teddy, can I wrestle Chris Benoit at Wrestlemania?
Teddy:- Y’all wanna wrestle the Rabid Wolverine?
MVP:- Sure thing.
Teddy:- Well you get your wish, in style brutha, coz at Wrestlemania, you’ll get to face not one, but FIVE wolverines, each bitten personally by the bat that got Cuio!
MVP:- No, you misunderstand. I want the Crippler!
Teddy:- Ohhh, I get ya dawg. Okay, it’s you, at Wrestlemania, against D Lo Brown!
MVP:- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Teddy:- The wolves it is.

By the way, Teddy was looking at a diva’s magazine, in order to pimp it to the common wrestling fan. But unfortunately, I don’t think the slogan ‘Be a pervert just like Teddy Long’ is too catchy. Nor is ’You can be a playa too… you can play with yourself as you study Torrie Wilsons camel-toe’.

Apparently Kane is going to wrestle Batista tonight. But the way he says it suggests to me that ‘wrestle’ is just a polite way of saying ‘date-rape’. In which case, I am a professional wrestler too.

Match 2:- Batista vs. Kane.

Boring, boring, boring. Kane is pretty much beaten down by this point, and has to be carried to a good match. Batista has lost all of his spirit since the return. Everything that he does now has lost that vitality it had before. Subsequently, he too has to be carried to a good match. Meaning, of course that the only thing carried here was my interest, which was carried far away to the land of boob. Turns out I found some evidence in my tissue that Maryse IS good for something.
The story here is that Kane is Takers brother yadda yadda big history blah blah. Except for the fact that a bad match is a bad match, no matter how much you sugar coat it.
Batista wins this boring little snore fest, to no-one’s shock. With a power bomb. He does this Taker ‘Last Ride out of the corner’ style because he doesn’t, what, have the power to lift Kane? I know that they aren’t specifying an animal, but I didn’t think they meant a meercat. Plus, when the hell does Kane do corner punches? Great piece of psychology there, Batman.

Winner:- Batista.

OH MY GOD MIZ HAS A CHAT SHOW. Right… where did I put that… ahh, there. He says some annoying AGGGGGGH bare with me dear LORD, some annoying shit but I don’t pay OOOOH any attENTion… jesus… it wont open up….. AGGGGH DONE… his guest is AshlEEEEEEEE. She…. Oh god I can feel it rubbing my intestine… says some stuff and then he briNGS OUT OH DEAR LORD I SHOULD HAVE LUBED THIS DAMN THING Melina, whom I’m sure will have sooooooooo!ooooo!ooooomething interesting to…. Owwww… say. Ashley challenges Melina to a title match…… dear God I can feel the venom working… and they have a brawl… hhhhh… which Ashley seems to… top. I’m sweating like Rob Feinstein when he got that job as Santa in a department store.

Rob:- So can I cum down their chimney?
Owner:- Yes.
Rob:- Can they sit on my lap whilst I call them Ho Ho Ho’s?
Owner:-… yes.
Rob:- Can I watch them while they are sleeping… and make a list?
Owner:- Errrrrr… sure?
Rob:- Can I empty my sack for them?
Owner:- Erm… I’m not sure you are right for this job.
Rob:- No, I’d be perfect. It’ll be better than last time, because this time I have a REAL reason not to use my actual name!

For the record, The Miz was awful. I paid very little attention to the whole thing so I have probably missed a world of possible jokes but, to be honest, I would sacrifice time and pleasure for humour, but I will not sacrifice my dignity as a man.

The Great Khali punished Kane in the back for wasting my time. His punishment? Worst MOTN at Wrestlemania. Harsh, but fair.

Match 3:- Mr Kennedy vs. CM Punk.
Quite looking forward to this, although the crowd… don’t really care for CM Punk either way. Surprising. Anyway, these guys look good. Punk takes control towards the end with the old running knee, the old bulldog, and then the old dropkick. Thank god that isn’t the official title of each move.

Vince:- So, what’s this move called again?
Stooge:- Oh, c’mon man, I don’t wanna.
Vince:- Go onnnn…
Stooge:- (sighs) This is the old dropkick.
Vince:- ( A smile spreading across his face) Did somebody say old?? SOMEBODY SEND IN MAE YOUNG!
(Two wrestlers in the ring when Mae Young invades and begins to strip)
Bob Holly:- Oh fuck, not again!

He then tries to go for some moonsault variation, but gets cut off and PLANTED, RVD style, with a HEWAGE neck breaker. Awesome match, if not a bit clipped. They should have cut some off the TEEST snoozer and put it where the talent lay.

Winner:- The guy who got squashed last week by a man who wasn’t allowed to use weapons in a no DQ match. Which sadly means that the whole CM Punk conspiracy will live on. FUCK YOU. And I’m not talking to the Dub.

Finlay backstage now, and he says he… isn’t afraid of the Undertaker. Dear god, maybe he should go back to the purple gloves and the tear painted under one eye, because this onesie is not doing the damn job.

Final Match Of The Evening:- Finlay vs. Taker.

Another match I have been looking forward to. Been a good week for Smackdown, for the most part. I mean, Miz did hurt my anus. Ahem.

Taker starts out strong, but Finlay takes advantage after throwing Taker into the steps of COMPLETE LEGALITY. Then that Hornswoggle appeared, and everybody laughed at him because he is a midget with a ridiculous name. And that’s funny, dammit. Hornswoggle hits Taker with the shileighleighleigh, but as he has arms like a T Rex, the swing isn’t too strong. So Taker kicks him in the teeth. Now THAT was sweet. Ref out, sol Finlay uses the shilleighleighleigh for a while. But NOTHING CAN STOP THE UNDERTAKER! MOSTLY BECAUSE HE HAS CREATIVE CONTROL! So he hit’s the choke slam and the tombstone and gets the duke. Good stuff.

Stored In The Swagbag:- Three of the four matches were good, putting over the people that will be headlining Mania, which is nice. I also liked seeing Teddy back. Well, liked is a bit strong. I mean to say hated. But at least it makes sense.

Condemned To The Dungeon:- The Miz. Need I say more.

Now, go read other stuff, and become educated in the ways of The Wrestling Fan.

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Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (03/16/07)

I watched Raw last night, (a repeat) and was disgusted to see that the main event, once again, wasn’t a match. Oh no. The main event, yet again, was dominated by Trump and McMahon. I am sick of watching Hair vs. Hair match skits. That match should be nothing more than a mid card bout. It’s Bobby Lashley for fucks sake.

And Hair vs. Hair? What kind of shitty stipulation is that!? I mean, sure, you’ll look a little silly, but it isn’t life or death. But, ahhh, I get it. It gets you PRESS COVERAGE. I mean, when the Queen of Pop herself cut off her hair, she looked fucking stupid, and was subsequently on the front page of every newspaper. Some people say, ‘you cant blame her’, but hey, Kylie looked ridiculous. I call them how I see them.

Basically, I’m hoping tonight, the main event is a wrestling match. Because I miss wrestling. We’ll see.

Okay, let’s get it crackulatin’. I’m half assing it tonight because I have had rehearsals all week and barely any sleep, so I’m shattered. I’ll do you a nice full effort shiny report next week.

And we start off with the very thing that keeps the Good Samaritans and the suicide hotlines around the world chock-a-block, The Miz having his own talk show. The WORST show in the history of time, nonetheless. Nothing could be worse. Right?

WRONG! Because The Miz’s guest tonight is none other than Bore-Tista, (witty, right? I know), the place where ALL charisma is gathered into a large pile and burnt

Luckily, this is kept short and sweet, with The Miz telling Batista that he thought the Undertaker could kick his ass, dimming the lights to fool Batista and generally being the annoying prick that we are all very aware that he is. Batista then power bombs him, after saying approximately 30 words. This is, of course, 28 words too long. And the other two words were wrong, as they were not ‘I resign’. What could have been an awful segment here saved by the fact that it was kept short. But you do get the feeling that they have just thrown the two least popular guys from backstage together so that nobody got stiffed.

Match 1:- Matt Hardy vs. Mr Kennedy.

It’s going to be one of those weeks that I love and yet hate, where the matches are great, and the show is good, resulting in the humour being harder to come by. Some sweet spots here. Kennedy uses the ropes to bounce Matt into a sweet suplex. Matt takes the advantage with a second rope leg drop, but hurts his knee, and Kennedy zones in. Matt does a selling job in which he shows that he is in pain throughout the rest of the match. He does not hit every move he would anyway and then go, ‘you know what? That probably would have hurt. Erm… OWWW!’. I’m looking at YOU, Van Dam. Nor does he FORGET for the rest of the match that his damn knee hurts, and hit moves like big boots, does he ‘Taker? Nooo, this is GOOD selling.
The end of the match, get this, sees Kennedy go for the Kenton, but Hardy slips out, hit’s the Twist Of Fate and GETS THE PIN! Great Ceaser’s Ghost Ghost Holy Mother Of Shitty Fucking Crap! Clean victory for Matt over an established star. Now expect to see him beating Kennedy for the next four months. It’s a unique pattern.

Winner:- Matt Hardy??

Kennedy then says that he will win the Money In The Bank… Bank. Erm… you just jobbed to a jobber for the stars. That makes you a jobber to the jobber to the stars. That makes you Koko Fucking B Ware. I think the confidence is a LITTLE unfounded.

MVP introduces his opponent tonight, the Heavyweight Champion of Parts Fictional. The only place this guy is a heavyweight is in Ethiopia. And even there his nickname is ‘Streak O Piss.’ His name is El Grande Latte, proving that Starbucks get fucking everywhere these days.

Match 1 ½:- MVP against a great cup of coffee.

SQUASH. MVP wins with a finisher more boring than Chris Benoit doing Stand Up.

Chris:- So, niggers be all like… black. And white people aren’t really white, but it’s a description. It is actually all about skin pigmentation.
(Meanwhile, backstage)
Producer:- Fuck, the guys dying out there, who else do we have?
Gopher:- …Lance Storm.
Producer:- May God save our souls.

Winner:- MVP.

MVP cals out Benoit for Mania again by saying that he’s boring, which is pretty just the point I just made. Teddy Long comes out (ooh, the GM for two weeks in a row! How unorthodox!) Benoit runs out and they brawl. You know, it’s funny. I have thought that Teddy Long should be on TV more often for the past few weeks. Now he’s back, I really wish he’d fuck off. Irony? Nah, I just hate the cunt.

Match 2:- Paul London, Ashley and Brian Kendrick vs Johnny Nitro, Melina and Joey Mercury

You know who is REALLY lazy? Me. I mean, it’s been said that my writing style in these reports isn’t too thorough. Well, I know a man who does thorough! Oh yes, I do. So this week, my ‘Regular Feature Which I Will Only Use Once’ is a little different. A little special. It is a feature which I am going to call OBVIOUS PLAGIARISM.

‘’Mercury and Kendrick start out. Kendrick gets the advantage with a drop kick for one and then he exchanges quick tags with London working on Mercury's arm. London double stomps it from the top for 2. They double team both members of MNM. Ashley tags in, but Melina tags to Nitro before she has to fight. London gets two off an elbow drop. London hits a rolling splash over the ropes on Nitro and Kendrick hits a cross body through the ropes on Mercury simultaneously. Melina kicks Kendrick in the stomach allowing Nitro to get the advantage. Kendrick just gets beaten up for several minutes by MNM including a couple of near falls. Kendrick knocks Mercury who hits Ashley off the apron. Kendrick then rolls through to make the HOT TAG~! to Paul London who cleans out. London gets a two off on Mercury off a cartwheel kick. Nitro breaks up the count. London dropkicks Nitro and hits the Dropsault on Mercury for another 2 this time broken up by Melina. Ashley complains to the ref allowing Melina to low blow Nitro. MNM hit the Snapshot on London for the win. Ashley then attacks Melina.’’

You can all thank ‘Piledriver Wrestling’ for that. I didn’t even watch the match, because I was taking what we call in England a ‘banging dump’ Honesty. It’s an art.

King Booker and Queen Sharmell are backstage doing something pointless then Finlay enters looking for Hornswoggle who then comes in and does something pointless, and this whole thing would be quite funny if it wasn’t so bastard pointless. Screw this stuff.

They show Vince and Donald. Vince’s face on TV. That should keep him happy for a while.

Daivari is in the ring talking about Khali, and Kane interrupts and says stuff. The Kane/Khali match is made for Mania. It will be offensive to the retina’s. It will feel like being caught leaving a Panic! At The Disco gig by a hot chick who thinks you are kinda cool, and then being drugged by said girl and having her remove your testicles with a bulldog clip BECAUSE she saw you leaving a Panic! At The Disco gig. Oh, and then being forced to go to ANOTHER Panic! Gig wearing a T Shirt saying ’I Have No Testicles, thus being befriended by all of the little Emo kids who can relate to you. Yes. Just like that.

I am so bored of this show, but I suppose you need the odd show like this in the build to a big show.

Match 3:-Kane vs. Daivari.

SQUASH. Kane kills Daivari and drags him to the backstage using the See No Evil hook. Cool visual. But that is two squashes out of four matches tonight, and I MISSED the third match. I’m starting to feel very short changed.

Backstage, Kane tells Daivari to deliver a message for him and then… erm… proceeds to drag him off. Here’s an idea, Kane… let him go. Because unless The Great Khali turns up at your house later for a crafty visit and a cup of El Grande Latte, and sees Daivari tied up there, he probably wont get to see him. Twat.

Main Event:- Undertaker vs. King Booker

Oh good lord, Batista is now on commentary, rendering everything I said earlier null and void. I put more effort into finding the remote control to press the damn mute button than Batista has since he got back.

It was at this point some random geezer walked into my flat, raving drunk, and proceeded to tell me that Stewie from Family Guy is a different kind of legend, and try and kick in my flatmates door for being called Martin. Always fun in Halls.

Back to the show. Good match ensues, with both men looking strong in the battle. Basically they both either hit their trademarks or get them reversed throughout the course of the match. Eventually, Taker goes for the Last Ride, but Finlay runs in, SHILLEIGHLEIGHLEIGH SHOT, and Booker gets disqualified. Big brawl ensues with Taker throwing Booker into the ring steps of COMPLETE LEGALITY, which in this case are completely legal as there is no match. Taker then throws Finlay into Batista. Batista gets angry, Taker does the Taker Fist Raise, and I thank God I can go to bed.

Stored In The Swagbag:- Hardy gets the clean pin on Kennedy, and deserves it too.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- Hmmm, nothing of note really, although this was the weakest show in a while. Too many squashes.

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Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (03/23/07)

I think the art of drawing people in is starting to deteriorate. So here is my attempt to bring back that art.

Hey guys. Exit signs… they are on the way out, aren’t they?

Hmm. It’s good. A small giggle, but I’m quite aware that it is not really in the style of TWF. It needs a little more… edge. Take two…

Hey guys. What has eight legs and makes a girl scream?

Gang rape.

That’s better, but still, it doesn’t really clue you in to what this report is, does it? Right. One more try, and this time I’m going to REALLY draw you in. Inform you of what it is. And then make sure you wont want to stop reading. Oh, and give it edge. Here goes.

This is my Smackdown report. Read it you fucker. I have your kids.

Anvils Swagbag. The man who is bringing back the art of drawing people in.

Shall we begin?

Vince walks out and his suit is the same colour as The King’s face. Seriously, dear god, being a Billionaire and all, you would think that Vince would have stopped shopping at Primark, but no. Vince, of course, looks proud of himself because he cut a retards hair. New Jack does that to a retards artery, he gets sued. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE? (Before anybody e-mails me to inform me that ‘Wide-Load’ or ‘Extra Baggage’ or whatever his damn name was wasn’t a retard, I say HE ASKED NEW JACK TO BLADE HIM.

New Jack:- Yo homie, you sure you want that shit?
Retard:- Yeah! I HAVE WRESTLED DWARVES!
New Jack:- (firing up a lawn mower) Awwww hell yeah! This one’s for you Grimes!
Retard:- Will this hurt?
New Jack:- Kid, I’m a pro…

Case rests.)

Vince says that he is going to shave the whole of the audiences head, at which point I realise that it took Vinnie a good ten minutes to rid a quarter of Eugene’s locks, and we could be in for a hell of a long night. I also consider turning over to something more interesting. But after looking through the listings and seeing Two And A Half Men, I decide that Vince McMahon beefcaking the whole arena is the lesser of two evils. The only way I would consider watching Two And A Half Men is if somebody actually took a machete to Charlie Sheen. Now THAT would be an event.

It’s about this point I zone back in to hear Vince stating that tonight Lashley will wrestle Kennedy (he actually does the stance on the rope which is more amusing than colon surgery) and says that they will have to work together because IT WOULD TAKE AN ENTIRE SWAT TEAM TO KEEP THE MONSTER THAT IS LASHLEY DOWN! Or one Pedigree, but that’s kinda the equivalent. He makes it a table match, but to be honest, I have had Lashley shoved so far down my throat that it feels like I have fellated him. And STILL I WILL NOT BUY HIM AS A DOMINANT CHAMP WHILST HE CONTINUES TO SOUND LIKE TINY TIM.

Match One:- Tag Champs Londrick vs MNM.

Nice to see the belt being defended as opposed to Vince talking about himself… and Lashley… for the next, I dunno, hour and forty five minutes.

Vince:- The fans still are not buying Lashley! What can we do!?
Laurientis:- Subliminal messaging??

So from here on in, I shall record the subliminal messages as well as the matches.

We have a damn strong match here, seeing the old London in peril, Kendrick on fire dynamic that actually feels fresh again now that they aren’t doing it every week. Also nice to see MNM are still being held as a tag team, as neither are quite ready for that monster push yet.

The end sees a familiar set of moves performed in a brilliantly crisp manner, with London being caught on the top LASHLEY rope, and London pushing Mercury off. Melina tries to get involved but there is no way that Ashley will allow that without writing a long blog detailing how she is a lost soul and that she tries so hard not to conform to those horrible plastics whom control society because they put out, and then crying into her pillow as Cute Is What We Aim For sing songs about being a lost soul and society being controlled by plastics, OH NO! So she… erm… attacks Melina, and London gets the pin with a… cross body?! Stay tuned for the DEVESTATING AEROPLANE SPIN FROM THE FIERY FURNACE OF HELL! Great match, strange way to end it.

Winner:- Londrick.

Kane is looking disturbing in the back, and they show Daivari looking battered and bruised.

Bill Watts:- I thought coloureds couldn’t bruise? They are already dar…

GODDAMIT BILL GET IN THE BOX.

Anyways, Kristal asks Kane how far he will go against Khali, to which Kane holds up an eight inch dildo and, looking deep into the camera, states chillingly, ‘ALL THE WAY’.

AHEMCOUGHitwasthehooknotadildoCOUGHAHEM.

Maryse wastes more of my time by proving that she is just fucking talentless eye candy. At least let her shoot a ping pong ball out of her pussy or something! She is wasting time I could be wanking to something slightly more LASHLEY interesting.

Erm… that subliminal message was REALLY badly timed.

Match 2:- Chavo vs Wang Yang.

Second strong outing of the night. Second match of the night. What the hell is going on with Smackdown this week!? Usually by now there has been one ultra snoozefest squash and thirty minutes of chatting about Coaches shiny head… Chavo dominates the vast majority, with brief flurrys of quick paced action from Wang Yang, including all sorts of springboards and flippy dippys. Good LASHLEY strong ending sees Wang Yang put over as a force by avoiding a moonsault, and hitting a HUGE one of his own for the win! It’s starting to look good for Wang Yang. But he still has a name that means penis, so for every peak…

Winner:- Wang Yang.

Meanwhile, back in the board room:-

Vince:- This subliminal messaging is not getting the point across. What else could we do?
Ace:- How about we change the meaning of words?
Vince:- … explain…
Ace:- Well, the word ‘win’ could be replaced with the word Lashley. And the word ‘pin’, replaced with Bobby! And all people writing Smackdown Reports for TWF would have to follow said rule for comedy effect!
Vince:-… I like it! Can we change the word Trump to Gaseous Substance From The Anal Region?
Ace:- I think that The Miz has already got that one copyrighted Vince.

Back to the show.

Match Three:- MVP vs. His Past.

Okay, it’s MVP versus another jobber that he announces, dressed like a goof because funny clothes are funny, and not at all NOT IN THE LEAST FUNNY. Didn’t MVP do this gimmick when he first arrived? And am I right in thinking it was shit then too? MVP hits the Playmaker Generic ‘Can’t Think Of A Finisher’ finish, and gets the Bobby in this complete squash. Well, they had a run of two great matches.

Lashleyer:- MVP. Nobody else.

Strange segment where Kennedy and Orton stroke some wood. Yeah, like I wasn’t gonna go with the obvious joke there. I nearly didn’t recap this as I thought it was an advert for B&Q, then I realised it was just a homoerotic build-up to a Table match, and I… well… I STILL nearly didn’t recap it. On principle.

Match 4:- Lashley Vs. Vince’s Choice Of Jobbers For The Evening.

As much as this is a decent match, I HATE Lashley. He has no charisma, and the voice of a thirteen year old girl sucking on a helium pipe. It’s impossible to review this match, because I have ‘Tiptoe Through The Tulips’ stuck in my damn head.
Anyway, story is simple. Lashley dominates to start showing that he is, indeed, the man. Then the numbers game grinds him down. Continue throughout, with short bursts from Lashley, and you have the match. It’s basic and formulaic, but fun. Vince comes down to get his face on TV… erm… I mean a closer look at the action. No real big ending, Lashley puts both competitors through tables and continues looking strong whilst Orton and Kennedy look like chumps because there were no signs of descencion, they were just much weaker than Lashley, because Lashley is indestructible.

Lashleyer:- Lashley (stands to reason really.)

Ooh, here is Batista to bore me senseless with more talk about how he is not scared of Taker! GOODY! This guy should go into hypnotism, because the second he starts talking, I start to feel very, very sleepy. And then I do involuntary things like reach for the remote or shout SHUT THE FUCK UP! It’s magic I tell you.
This week, the Teest cliché is, don’t get mad, get even. Oooh, original, you big steaming pile of turd. Now just tell us that it’s not the size of the dog in the fight and that every cloud has a silver lining and we can officially crown you the King Of Useless Shite! Apparently, during the match, he and Taker will get along just fine. FUCKING YAWN, YOU CAN’T EVEN MAKE A RIVALRY SOUND BORING YOU WORTHLESS SHITE. …. I’m done.

Match Five:- Benoit vs Gregory Helms

Both of these guys are pumped up here (and if you don’t believe me, ask Sports Illustrated) and put on another great showing. Helms gets enough offense in here to look slightly threatening, but Benoit Bobby’s with the usual for the Lashley. A short match, but again, everything looked crisp, easy, and everything flowed. Tonight has been awesome, match wise.

Lashleyer:- Benoit.

Next in the Hall Of Fame:- THE WILD SAMOANS! Good choice. These guys are, of course, related to every Samoan in Wrestling History. Them’s the rules.

Bill Watts:- Ahh, but back in my day…

Is this going to be racist Bill?

Bill Watts:- No sir.

Okay, shoot.

Bill Watts:- Well back in my day… and I have plenty of black friends…. Back in my day… and I’m not racist, but… back in my day, we’d have sprayed the ring down after they had let two pak…

DEAR GOD STOP!

Moving swiftly on before Sean’s mailbag is overloaded with complaints.

Teddy Long is backstage trying to get his Mack on with Kristal, but due to his ridiculously small head and humongous suit… erm… he looks like a prick. Want wit? Read the Back Leg Front Kick, tosser. JBL enters, and suggests an interview with Batista and Taker next week. That’s right, give Teest more mic time. That is sure to set the world on fire. No, seriously. Because arsonists and rioting often breaks out in TIMES OF GREAT FUCKING DISTRESS.

Batista is walking through the back when Booker and Finlay jump him. Then Regal appears and pounds him, followed by Cherry and Kennedy and eventually the whole locker-room shouting things like DIVA, PRIMADONNA and TOSSER and throwing shit at him. And somewhere, the former Jim Hellwig is sat back in his oxygen tent, watching the screen and laughing. I doubt he would be laughing so hard though had he known that Dave’s official registered name is now BATISTA BATISTA.

Main Event:- Taker and Batista vs. Booker and Finlay.

No Batista here, he was injured in the attack, and we basically see the Table match from earlier, only a lot more fluent and fun. Oh, the magic of Taker. Nice spot sees Finlay clothesline Taker over the top rope, but Taker, showing that agility he has always been known for, lands on his feet, pulls Finlay out and sends him MERCILESSLY INTO THE STEPS OF COMPLETE LEGALITY! More double teaming, with Taker eventually gaining the upper hand with a couple of huge splashes, and then the Snake Eyes Boot combo on Booker. Finlay tries to cheat, but he walks into the goozle, as does Booker, so… erm… Finlay hits Taker with the shilleighleighleighleigh regardless. Hmmm.

Lashleyer:- Taker.

And out comes The Black Hole Of Entertainment himself, Big Teest. I used to like the guy, I really did. Now, I think he has the same use as a price tag in a dollar shop. You see him, you recognise him, but by god you don’t need him. Oh, and he doesn’t tell you anything you don’t already know. Anyway, they beat the crap out of the heels, and both men set up for their respective bombs until… BATISTA THROWS BOOKER INTO TAKER LIKE A HUMAN PROJECTILE. Well, you know what they say. Don’t get mad, get even. And by ‘they’, I mean unoriginal hacks who can’t think of something clever of their own accord. End show.

Stored In The Swagbag:- Pretty much every match. Great night for action.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- Orton and Kennedy caress a table. Oh yes, you treat that table affectionately. That will really advertise what a brutal and devastating match this will be. Doy.

Once more to the back…

Vince:- THESE WORDS ARE NOT CATCHING ON! How the hell do we put Lashley over!?
Laurientis:- Well… we could have him pin you on Monday night…
Vince:-……………………………….nah.

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Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (03/30/07)

So here it is, the hard sell for Wrestlemania, so expect action like never before tonight. JAW ACTION! Because tonight there will be MORE TALKING THAN EVER BEFORE! Tonight, bah gawd, we will be subjected to more words in two hours than a Dictionary reading with Stephen Fry. (If in America, substitute for… erm… ah fuck it, us English are smarter than you.) So sit back, grab a brewski, and enjoy WWE, CHATDOWN! It’s a happening, because Vince said so! For… erm… a good forty five minutes.

Lets hope this weeks show is as good as last weeks was.

We start the evening with Edge walking to the ring! And when he gets to the ring, he… grabs a microphone. See. Told you.

Edge reminds us of his tremendous history in ladder matches, and THEN reminds us of him cashing in his MITB and beating Cena. He then states that he is going to preserve himself tonight, and brings out The Great Khali to face his opponent, Matt Hardy. Which, of course, makes my job that little bit easier.

Match 1:- Matt Hardy vs. The Great Khali.

SQUASH. Matt gets folded up like an accordion, broken in half, his ass whipped like a government mule, AND a mudhole stomped in him. I think I even saw Khali walking it dry. Well, not so much walking, as slowly ambling it dry, like the big fucking waste of air that he is. Then all of a sudden, BOOM! Ring of fire, and no Sylvan in sight! How peculiar.

Khali gets out of the ring to… erm… escape from the BURNING RING POSTS OF DOOM THAT WERE CLOSING IN ON HIM! They were just doing it very, verrrrrrry, slowly. But I suppose, in Khali’s ambling, pitiful world of ‘methodical’ offense, it must have seemed like they were running at him with a cheetah-like pace. Kane then appears on the Tron and TALKS! Just as I thought there was going to be some sort of interesting confrontation or battle on a wrestling show. Thank GOD for Kane, he really saved us all from a MATCH there.

Two more nights, and Khali is his, apparently. And we weren’t even invited to the damn wedding. How mean.

Winner:- Matt Hardy, I suppose.

Apparently, Teddy and Krystal will be having a night of fine dining, champagne, and drunken fumblings tonight. And let me assure you that they are actually going somewhere with this angle. Really. They are going to purgatory, where they will meet the person who wrote Booker T a note, and the person who was driving the Hummer that hit Kevin Nash.

And there will be a mural of Vince Russo on the wall.

Match 2:- Mr Kennedy vs. Finlay.

Okay, this was a good match, which saw both men, being heels, cheating to get the victory, exposing the turnbuckle and such. But this was all totally overshadowed by the finish of the match, which saw an honest to God funny MIDGET joke on WWE TV!! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. After some teasing with a ladder by the big men as a teaser for the MITB match, Little Hornswoggle Bastard takes a STEPLADDER out, and, from said step ladder, hits what can only be described as a LEPRECHAUN BOMB onto Kennedy. Finlay of course finishes Kennedy off with the Celtic Cross, but it all pales in comparison. Seriously, brilliant.

Winner:- All of us. Every last one.

Maryse is saying something again, and by God she is one pretty sack of talentless shit. I mean, I’d hit that, and tape it too, but she’d probably say the ONLY THING she actually seems qualified to say, ‘Welcome back to Smackdown, I hope you enjoy the show’, just as I was building up to the big SHAZAM. Not that it would put me off personally, but snuff films aren’t everybody’s cup of tea.

MVP is out, talking. Joy of joys, he introduces us to the Ethiopian World Champion… HARVEY WHIPPLEMAN! No? Alright, it’s some twat called Viko Something.

MVP vs. Jobber.

SQUASH. MVP does the rolling suplexes as a slight to his Wrestlemania opponent, Chris Benoit, which pretty much kills Viko. Wow, MVP, you SHOW Benoit how dangerous and effective his move set is! You show him that the suplexes are indeed devastating! That will really put him off and throw him off his gameplan! What a crock.

Winner:- Have a fucking guess.

MVP then cuts a promo using numbers.

MVP:- One…… two….. Three….. This is where I have to start using my fingers. A little help here?

Absolute shit. The drizzling, drizzling shits.

Match 3:- Jeff Hardy vs. Randy Orton

I have really enjoyed Jeff’s work since his return. He looks ultra motivated again, and it’s great to see. Here’s hoping he doesn’t fall back into that trap of laziness and apathy. Here we have another superb match. The standard of wrestling on Smackdown recently has been off the page. I mean, they might not be Flair - Steamboat classics, but they are pretty damn fine.

Orton uses a couple of chinlocks, just because he likes watching the Smarks squirm, but Hardy is all about action tonight. He hit’s a pretty dropkick, Whispers into the wind like a sappy Emo prick, and goes up top for the Swanton, which misses. Very little psychology in this one, it’s just ‘show me what you got’, which is basically what the MITB match is anyway, and that doesn’t suffer for it. Orton throws Hardy outside, so Edge runs out and attacks Hardy, which of course rubs salt into Orton’s wounds. Look for this MITB match to be a jumpstart to an Orton turn and a big feud between these two. Orton and Edge spend the next five minutes… erm… talking to one another, which of course gives Hardy ample opportunity to roll Orton up for the win. Nice.

Winner:- Hardy.

Match Four:- Big, Women Shmazz!

I really couldn’t give a shit. Time for, you guessed it… ANVILS REGULAR FEATURE THAT HE WILL ONLY EVER USE ONCE! This week, a poem about Batista.

Little Dave went to a shop,
And bought himself a little pie,
The pie was all crust, no filling,
So little Dave began to cry.
Don’t worry, said his wrestler friends!
We’ll all make a pie for you,
And we’ll fill it to the brim!
This is what we all shall do!

And Dave did stop his crying ways,
And turned to all his friends and said,
‘Fuck off, I don’t need your damn help,
I wish you all were fucking dead!
And then Dave shook the ropes real hard,
And smeared some paint upon his face,
And punched king Booker in the eye,
Because he didn’t like his race.

And Little Dave became a pest,
And so they made him drop the belt,
But he was such a prima donna,
Even that would just not help.
His matches were boring and lame,
He wrestled like Bad News Allen,
And not his style or technique, no!
Like rigamortis had set in!!

And now the wrestlers hated him,
But still they made a pie for Dave,
They defecated in the mix.
And put it in the microwave.
So if you should see little Dave,
Please do one favour for me,
Tell him in no uncertain terms,
To get the fuck off my TV.

Ahhh, better. Oh, yes, Ashley won.

Match 5:- CM Punk vs. King Booker.

What the hell is going on!? This is the third match in a row without somebody cutting a promo! Have the writers done an Anvil and thought, ‘you know what, this week, FUCK it. We’ll just make them fight or something shitty like that.’?

ANOTHER great contest! Maybe a little too punch kick, but still damn strong, with CM Punk hitting one hell of a sweet looking knee lift. I mean, seriously, Punk looks like Richard Simmons doing crunches when he pulls those knees up. Finish sees CM Punk picking up a win after… another anticlimactic roll up. I like seeing matches end emphatically after a build up. Call me old fashioned, but that’s just me. Then again, if on Sunday, Kane wants to pull a random roll up out of the bag at, say, the twelve second mark, I’m down with that. And if at any point, Ashleigh wants to roll up into a pretty little ball and let me violate her as she says, ‘you were right, this IS worse than biting into a rotten apple’, I’m pretty much down with that too.

Winner:- CM Punk.

ANNNNNND NOW FOR THE TALKING SECTION OF THE SHOW! The… erm… other one, I mean. JBL is in the ring talking about how great he is, and I have to agree. I don’t really discuss the commentary here because it’s hard enough to note down what’s going on in the ring without noting JBL’s wisecracks too, but let it be known that I think that JBL is currently the best commentator in the business. All of a sudden, some glass breaks, and I shout ‘DAMMIT BITCH, WASH THE POTS WITHOUT BREAKING THEM! DON’T MAKE ME TIGHTEN THE MOTHERFUCKING CHAINS!’. I then realize that it is actually Steve Austin’s entrance and not, indeed, my girlfriend, and… then go and tighten the chain anyway. To be on the safe side.

When I get back, I realize that Austin doesn’t say a damn thing. He gets into the ring, stunners JBL, has a beer, pours some on JBL, stunners him again and then leaves. This makes me happy, because every time an audience shouts ‘WHAT?’, I kill a baby. And to be honest, I didn’t really fancy getting my hands all messy this week.

YOU HEAR THAT, PEOPLE!? YOU SHOUT WHAT, I KILL A BABY. YOU THINK I’M JOKING? ASK REBECCA SHERIDAN OR JOHN HALL WHEN THEY GROW UP… OOH, WAIT A MINUTE… YOU CANT! Goddamit.

Apparently, Teddy Long has taken JBL’s place, which is like replacing a golden nugget with a nugget of a completely different variety if you catch my drift.

And if you don’t, I mean shit.

Big security in the ring separating Taker and Batista here. Makes it all look very serious.

Seriously, I was intending on stealing new columnist Catherine Perez’s Batista joke this week. (Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Either that, or I’m too lazy to think up my own damn jokes. A little from column A…) The one in which Batista adapts pretty much any sentence into the line, ‘I AM GOING TO KICK insert word here ASS!’.

I WAS going to use it.

Annnnnnnd then Batista said this.

‘In 48 hours, I am going to KICK… THE UNDERTAKERS…ASS.’

I hate Batista. I really really, REALLY do.

They do a pull apart brawl, Joe and Angle style, until Taker begins to punch the guards and subsequently… walks right into a TEEST piledriver! Batista looks proud of himself, until Taker sits up! Staredown as the show goes off the air. Nice.

Stored In The Swagbag:- The matches again! Actual wrestling, telling actual stories! Smackdown is once again becoming the ‘rasslin’ show of the WWE brand, and I gotta say… I fucking love it.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- Any wrestling match in which the competitors had ovaries. So, Ashley, Jillian, Melina, Matt Hardy…

So, that’s the build up to Wrestlemania done and dusted! Tune in this Sunday...

But first, read all of Sean's stuff, Remy’s new piece, Cameron pulling double duty, Catherine Perez’s tremendous debut, Bullfrog hilariously ripping TNA a new one as usual, and hell, anything else on the front page.

And keep your eyes peeled, because COMING SOON! Joe Merrick returns with a new Low Blow, and I flex my creative muscles with a new Dungeon!

It’s all kicking off.

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