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SmackDown Rant Archive (June 2008)

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The Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (06/06/08) 

We get a long-ass video showing Edge banishing Undertaker to a vacation. Edgy Guerreros are in the ring with champagne and Vickie introduces World Champ Edge, who comes down and tongues her. Edge then thanks his buddies for being the bestest friends any guy could ask for, and Vickie, for completing him. So are they still engaged or what? Still holding out some hope for that betrayal. Edge says he thinks Taker shouldn't feel bad being retired by the Master of TLC, which frankly is just bullshit. Left Eye, never forget. A toast to the Deadman proceeds, "May he rest in peace", when the lights go out to a huge pop. When they come back on, Edge is laughing "Gotcha!" That was a mean joke, but I'll admit he got me. I was seriously worried there, I mean, if Taker being banished from the fucking company wasn't enough to stop all the Taker-Edge rematches, what could? Vickie and Edge then announce, in 5 weeks, they'll be getting married. Oh fuck me, I jinxed it earlier. BAM NEELY could easily play Festus's brother, if for some reason they should ever need Festus to have a brother, and if for some reason BAM NEELY somehow doesn't get over. Big Familia toast and they pour champagne over Edge's head in a gay spot. Loud guitar riffs can only mean one thing! Time to see what's on Comedy Central!

Batista interrupts to say he likes to party. He pauses to revel in the cheers that you get when you're the only remotely credible face on an entire show. For years, ONLY Undertaker stood in his way from getting those cheers. YEARS. Teest says good luck with the wedding and they deserve eachother, and he hopes they live happily ever after. AWW HE'S JUST KIDDING! He hates them and hopes they have fat ugly kids, because Batista's merchandise sales have been slippilng lately. But really he's here to challenge E dge for the title. Vickie flatly says no, but makes Edge, his Heads, and Chavo vs Batista and three partners of her choosing for later. Edge adds that if Batista doesn't win this match, he'll never get a shot at Edge's title. Oh shit, that's right - Santino Marella vs Fucking Jimmy Kimmell's cousin later tonight. Till then, commercials.

This week's commercial break topic, Words and Phrases I Hate. First up, "Fuhgeddaboudit".

Back and Finlay is out for a BELFAST BRAWL, the Hardcore Match's ethnic cousin. At least it's better than the uptight brother, the No DQ Match. Chuck Palumbo follows, still keeping his Slash look. If he was really cool he'd just run Finlay over with his bike. Or Hornswoggle! Oh God, let it be Hornswoggle.

Finlay w/ Hornswoggle vs Chuck Palumbo, Belfast Brawl

Palumbo went after Horny outside the ring but Finlay made the save and rolled Chuck in to start the match. They brawl like it's Belfast outside for a bit with Palumbo coming out on top. Chuck is looking for shit under the ring and finds conveniently-placed trash cans. Foley says Finlay has the advantage because under the ring is Hornswoggle's lair, so Finlay would know what's under there better. He knows where to find the weapons that don't have earthworms all over them. They beat eachother with the trash c an until it gets crumpled like a big piece of aluminum foil. Didn't take much, they must be hitting eachother HARD! Big overhead belly to belly by Palumbo on the outside. Back in this gets two and Chuck goes to take off turnbuckle pads. Finlay goes after him with the shilaylay but Chuck turns around and blocks it with a boot. He goes and gets the chain off his bike and carries it back in, holding it in a big noose like he's just seen a black man hitting on his favorite bar rat, but Hornswoggle is in with a low blow. Chuckie chases him out of the ring, but turns and gets hit in the face with the chain for the loss.

Winner : Finlay

The Irish dance the Irish dance. Way up in a luxury skybox is MVP by himself, watching intently and looking like an emo gangster. And no, not just because he's black. Because he's black and wears braids. Foley hilarious says "This match is the realization of all our dreams!" in regards to Cole trying to get people to not change the channel for Santino-Cousin later.
No can do, Michael. Commercials.

Next word is "Synergy".

Show is out in full fag face mode, smiling and shaking hands with little kids. His eye is fucked from that Singapore Cane match. Show doesn't care that he's ugly "now", but what's important is that he's the number one contender to the ECW Championship. Clip show of Show beating down everyone, especially the Miz. God that was great. Show starts talking again but what's this?! It's Mark Henry! SOMEBODY GON GET THEIR ASS KICKED, SOMEBODY GON GET THEIR WIG SPLIT! More often than not that person is Mark Henry, b ut you know. Sweating like a motherfucker despite not having competed in a match in weeks. Henry says that Show once reprimanded him for not picking on someone his own size, but then he went and got involved in a match using sticks. Henry said all Show did was get beat and rolls a video of Show fucking his eye up. Henry is actually pretty funny here and says Show doesn't look like championship material to him. Show says there's nothing between them but air and opportunity before inahling deeply and saying " And dere goes all da air!" Big Show's an asshole. Henry comes down as Big Show shows off his boxer stance that he learned while he was off failing as a boxer during his time away from the WWE. Kind of like Brock Lesnar but not as pathetic. Henry decides to back away and save losing to Big Show for the next "Quick, let's throw together some shit to fill out this PPV" match.
 
In the back, Piper is training Cousin Sal. And why not? Only Piper knows what it's like to wrestle with a physique like Sal's. Commercials.

"Anywho". "Anyhey" is equally unacceptable.

WWE won an award and Ric Flair went to get it. They show a homeless mountain man who stole famed music producer Rick Rubin's front row seat. Foley says he's friends with the guy and has the audacity to plug his book The Hardcore Diaries. Now for those of you who don't know. The Hardcore Diaries is in fact the greatest conveyor of the most boring, irreverent, and useless information and anecdotes that no one would ever need or want to know ever created. I give it a thumbs down. Khali time.

Deuce & Domino vs The Great Khali

Khali wins.

Winner : What are you, retarded?

In the back now, Vickie Guerrero has all the Smackdown Divas in her office. Vickie says she's comparable to The Fabulous Moolah. I guess if we're talking strictly appearances. Oh shit, they're making a Smackdown Women's Championship. There's something called a Golden Dreams match for later tonight, where the winner of that will be one of the competitors to win the new title. So basically the winner tonight will either be or later lose to Michelle McCool. More Jimmy Kimmell shit now. "Santino vs Cousin Sal - It's what the world is watching!" Foley is awesome. Commercials.

"Poetry slam".

FINALLY. Santino enters first, then Cousin Sal, who gets his own theme song and video. Vladimir Kozlov is losing his shit backstage. Sal is wearing a kilt and Foley says Jimmy Kimmell's girlfriend Sarah Silverman is beautiful. Foley is so fucking funny I can't stand it! Sal is wearing an amateur wrestling singlet because he's fat. There I said it.

Santino Marella vs Cousin Sal w/ Jimmy Kimmell & Roddy Piper

Marella extends his hand but pulls it away. Sal then takes a scoop slam like shit. He goes to get advice from Piper, who I guess told him to "take Santino down". With this expert new strategy in mind, Sal goees and eventually does manage to take down Santino, whose strategy appears to be just to lock in a reverse bearhug and laugh a lot. After he gets up, Santino tells Sal to slap him, but Sal slaps on a side headlock instead. Rope break and Sal with a punch and airplane spin. Sal falls down himself but dod ges a Santino corner charge. Suplex gets one because this is not 1984. There's too many razors for it to be. Another shitty scoop slam and Piper is on the apron for the distraction. Santino runs the ropes and Kimmell trips him up. Santino turns and Sal rolls him up for three. Team Kimmell gets in the ring to celebrate but Santino stops that shit by shoving Kimmell. Santino would instantly and forever be my favorite wrestler of all time if he suddenly went stiff on Jimmy Kimmell and just kicked the shit out of him. Instead, Piper saves this segment from entertainment by laying out Santino. Closeup on Sarah Silverman's unfunny horseface. If you can watch her sitcom or Jesus Is Magic and...no, nothing. If you can just manage to watch either of those, I hate you. Anyway yeah, they all celebrate and whatever. What dumb shit. Commercials.

"Hot to trot".

P is still by himself up there all alone, looking grim. Think we might have a jumper. Eve tries to interview Sal but Kimmell talks for him. He says Sal's next opponent is Big Show, leading Sal to put Kimmell in a headlock before Show carried him away. Kimmell says Sal smells really bad right now, but they're going to make a lot of money. I hate this show.
 
In the back, um, still, Miz and Morrison are teasing Hornswoggle by playing keep-away with his hat. Dude's totally got Jim Morrison down to a tee. Finlay saves the day by taking the hat and putting it on his head and telling them to take it, but Miz and Morrison have celebrities to hang out with under the bloody red sun of fantastic LA. Hornswoggle then squirts them with a water gun and they run off. Your tag team champions!

Still in the back Edge wants to talk to Chavo in private. Edge tells Chavo he's going to be his uncle soon, Uncle Edge, and so asks Chavo to be his best man. Edge then talks about having children to keep the wrestling dynasty going and says they'd be Chavo's cousins. This upsets Chavo for some reason but Edge doesn't notice because he's hugging him. Well allright then. I hope this wedding leads to more than a Chavo face turn. Maybe even an Undertaker return! MAYBE. Commercials.

"Bop it."

Back for some Golden Dreams. It's a cardboard star on a pole match. Seriously.

Kelly Kelly vs Layla vs Maryse vs I don't know, all the rest of them

They all go for it at once, like that ever works ever. They then take to fighting individually until Michelle McCool clears the ring. She almost gets it a few times but one person running in stopped her until she disposed of them. Eventually Victoria came in and tried to superplex McCool, leading Natalya to come in and hit a Tower of Doom. She then grabs the star and the right to lose to Michelle McCool at a later date.

Winner : Natalya

Commercials.

"Spin it."

Million Dollar Mania. I have to admit I signed up. What can I say, I was feeling bored and greedy.

Vladimir Kozlov vs Jimmy Wang Yang

Yang actually got some offense in on Vladimir! But not a whole lot. Kozlov didn't use his shitty inverted DDT finisher this week. Guess Jimmy Wang Yang just isn't worth it.

Winner : Vladimir Kozlov

Batista says he hopes his partners are at least walking upright and missing limbs. . . AND WHEN HE GETS HIS HANDS ON EDGE, HE'LL BE THE ONE MISSING LIMBS!!! Commercials.

"Twist it."

Main Event time. Edge and his Familia are out first. I wonder why Edge decided to pick both of the Edgeheads to be his partners instead of just one of them and BAM NEELY. Cause that guy is tough stuff. All those times when he got hit with one punch and laid out on the floor for half an hour were just flukes. MVP still watching from above, lightly shaking his head at Edge. This angle seems pretty cool. Batista enters next, and why is his pyro always one second late? That first moment of turret gun miming is always awkward to watch. His first partner is Nunzio and he's out looking confident. Funaki follows and Batista rolls his eyes. What an asshole. Colin Delaney is number three and Batista just laughs. Edge is hilarious looking like Delaney is serious business. Foley points out it's actually pretty even since Hawkins, Ryder, and Chavo are all shit. He didn't say it in so many words, but you know.

Batista, Nunzio, Funaki, & Colin Delaney vs Chavo Guerrero, Curt Hawkins, Zack Ryder, & Edge w/ BAM NEELY

Teest and an Edgehead to start things off. Batista knocks the shit out of him until he tags in Chavo. What a fat fucking referee. Batista takes Chavo to his corner but doesn't tag out. JUST TO LET THEM KNOW. Long vertical suplex by Batista and he tags in Colin Delaney for the frog splash which gets two as we go to commercials.

"Suck it."

Back and La Familia has kicking the shit out of Delaney throughout the break. Edgeheads are looking good in this match. Batista and his cruiserweights are clapping their hands for support and Batista's looking like one of the really athletic kids in gym class who gets assigned to the basketball team of all the fat, slow, and apathetic kids in the gym class tournament. That kid always made me feel like shit. Fuck Batista. Let's go Colin! Colin gets all kinds of fucked up by Edge. Eventually Edge brings Colin over and makes him tag in Funaki. Funaki actually gets in a couple shots before getting booted down and thrown into the Edgy corner. Chavo Guerrero gets tagged in and has a difficult time with Funaki because he's Chavo Guerrero. Quick tags to wear down Funaki here and Colin's got the never to extend his hand. Just pack your shit up and go Colin, damn.You'll just get in the athletic kid's way. Funaki teases several comebacks but gets put down every time until he dodges a corner charge by an Edgehead and mak es the hot tag to Batista. HOUSAFIRE bit and then he goes for the BOMB but Edge is in to break it up with an Edge-O-Matic that brings everybody in. Batista dominates and lands a "double spear" that doesn't even connect with Chavo yet sends him out of the ring anyway. An Edgehead comes off the top but gets caught and Bombed for the win.

Winner : Batista, and only Batista

Batista celebrates as Edge does his fish out of water face for three consecutive minutes. END SHOW.

Grudenbotzels : MVP's withdrawn badass angle is hopefully setting him up for a main event run. Dear God let's hope, or else we'll be getting some combination of Edge-Batista-Undertaker in the World Title picture for another solid year.

Wienerschnitzels : A Smackdown Women's Title, really? However, Jimmy Kimmell's Cousin Sal takes it this week. I can only hope they were joking about Big Show-Sal. If they end up trying to create the, um, "magic" that was Show-Mayweather...

Remember that annoying German guy that used to work at my local movie theater? : Remember when Melina won the women's title, or was vying for the women's title, or something and they said "The women's title can now be defended on both shows." Why didn't they just keep with that? Or if they forgot, just make that rule up again and go with it? The last thing WWE needs is another title, let alone another women's title.

 
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (06/13/08) 

Hey-Yo! Shane Steele here with the Smackdown Review! Tonights hosts will be Michael "Wimpiest Man in the WWE" Cole and Mick "I've Got Nothing Better to Do, So I'll Do This" Foley.
 
To kick off the night, Vickie Guerrero is sitting at a table in the middle of the ring to chorus of boos, meaning only one thing: it's time for Batista to put someone through a table after a contract signing! Sure enough, here comes ol' Batista now, wearing one of his ridiculously tight shirts that make his pecs look like boobs. Ew. Vickie kindly offers Batista a chair. Batista shoves said chair across the ring. This woman holds a contract for a world title match in front of her and you toss the chair across the ring. Way to make an impression. Vickie informs us that Edge has already signed the contract, meaning that unless Batista feels like putting Vickie through it, the table is safe for tonight. Vickie signs the contract to some really loud "You suck!" chants. Batista signs after being told his attorney looked the contract over. Wait, Batista has an attorney? Awesome. Dude must be pretty tough to keep going through all those tables Batista puts him through whenever they sit down to go over contracts. Immeadiately after he signs, Vickie informs Batista he will have to face The Great Khali tonight and win if he wants to get his title match, something written into the contract after Teest's attorney looked it over. Damn loopholes! Big Dave says he'll beat Khali as usual and calls Vickie ugly. As he heads for the back, Batista is informed that if he doesn't beat Khali, he'll be BANISHED. Commercials.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I wish I had a little, demonic Spicy Shane.
 
Finlay W/ Hornswoggle W/ Silly Shenanigans vs. John Morrison W/ The Miz
 
Before the match, a promo of an altercation between the tag champs and Finlay and Horny is shown. Apparently, Hornswoggle, despite being able to speak fluent English last year, can now only grunt and gesture. I guess living under a ring at all times will do that to you.
 
Finlay starts off the match by beating down on Morrison, but Morrison proceeds to kick Finlay off the apron. Once outside, Finlay traps Morrison between the ring and that strange ring banner and sicks Hornswoggle on Miz, who rams head-first into Miz's balls. Ouch. Hurts having a midget hit you down there. Finlay throws Morrison back into the ring and works him over for a bit, but Morrison hits a Pele kick as Finlay went to the top rope, knocking him to the floor. As Morrison wails on Finlay, the Irishman slowly battles back, but Morrison continues to shrug him off at every turn. Just as it looks like Finlay is about to regain control, Miz pulls Hornswoggle out from under the ring. Like any good father upon seeing his diminutive son getting attacked by a man in a fedora, Finlay looks to help his son, but Morrison rolls him up for the 1-2-3.
 
WINNER: John Morrison. Hopefully, Finlay and Hornswoggle will not get their hands on the tag team titles as they wish. Because we all know what happened to the last title that Hornswoggle held. If not, ask Gregory Helms. He's still crying over what happened.
 
A replay of Batista winning the Royal Rumble. If only Batista had been there at the end of this year's Rumble.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Is there some law requiring all truck commercials to be boring?
 
We return to Eve interviewing Edge. Edge admits he wants Batista to say on Smackdown so that he can actually have a credible title reign instead of just having Vickie banish everyone in his path. Or maybe he only said the first part. The rest sounds better, doesn't it? CM Punk shows up and reminds Edge who has Money in the Bank, threating to cash it in during Edge's wedding. How awesome would it be to see Edge lose the World Heavyweight Championship in a tuxedo?
 
Mark Henry W/ Gallons of Sweat vs. Tommy Dreamer
If only we had some device that could convert all of Mark Henry's sweat into drinkable water. Think of all the drought nations in Africa we could save!
 
Before the match, Fat Man shows a picture of Big Show with two black eyes. Foley says Show looks like Yul Bryner from The King and I. My brother remarks he looks more like an Emo girl.
 
Oh, and Fatso squashes Dreamer for the win.
 
WINNER: The World's Fattest Man.
 
Vickie is chattin with a wedding planner when Edge comes in to whine about CM Punk threatening him. Jeez Edge, talk about taking on all comers. Speaking of whiners, MVP comes in to whine about wanting a bigger contract. In a sparring match of the whiners, Edge says MVP doesn't deserve it because he doesn't have the Heavyweight title. MVP says that's because he hasn't had any chances at it. Vickie tells P she'll think about giving him a better contract if he takes care of CM Punk tonight.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Contrary to what the Pirates of the Carribbean online game commercial tells me, I already AM a real pirate.
 
Maryse W/ Hottness vs. Cherry W/ Nottness
No offense, Cherry. It's just that I can't stand women with their hair pulled back.
 
Cherry proceeds to take offense to my comment and take it out on Maryes by beating the crap out of her. After a bit of that, Maryse gets back with a quick kick to the shin. She then applies a headlock to Cherry which Foley tries to give some fancy French name to. Uh, Mick. It's just a headlock. Get over it. Cherry battles out of Le Headlock, but Maryse runs her into a corner. As Maryse goes for the typical corner move that gets blocked, Cherry does just that and kicks her in the face. Cherry hits a DDT for the win.
 
WINNER: Cherry. Loser: The nation of France. But hey, they're used to that by now.
 
A video package shows Khali decimating people. Ugh. What else is new? CM Punk vs. MVP is next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Thanks for the heads-up, strange man in suit. I'll never play with probes again.
 
MVP W/ Ballin' vs. CM Punk
*Side Note: Everyone seems to be complaining about Punk getting no push despite having the MitB briefcase. Must I remind people that by this time last year, Punk was destroying the entire ECW roster? It only got worse as the year got on, with him scaring Miz and Morrison to Smackdown and ruining the credibility of guys like Elijah Burke, Big Daddy V, Shelton Benjamin, and many more. So he's losing a bit more now. Big deal. Serves him right for killing off The New Breed. KEVIN THORN! I MISS YOU!*
 
Now to the match. Punk starts off with a bunch of takedowns and slaps on a headlock that is worked for a LONG time. MVP counters with a takedown of his own, but CM reverses into a headlock...with his legs. MVP proceeds to counter this...with a headlock. Punk gets out with the usual kicks...then applies a headlock! Damn! Is this someone's sick idea of a tribute to Randy Orton? Finally, the battle of the headlocks ends with MVP giving Punk a back suplex. Punk slaps an armbar on MVP, but MVP escapes to begin applying his own submission. OK, we get it! You two have techincal skills! Punk battles out and starts to dominate with his kicks, but MVP reverses a Punk charge and sends him into the steel steps! Oh no! Commercials.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Why bother voting? Something tells me we'll see all three Dew on the shelves anyway.
 
We return to MVP punching Punk's arm and continuing to work it over. After a lengthy armbar, CM lands a big clothesline and some more kicky offense. MVP blocks the running knee in the corner, but Punk counters with a hurricarana. Punk heads for the top rope, but much like King Kong, we know he's going to fall, as MVP topples him by kicking the ropes. MVP goes for the superplex, but Punk knocks him off and tries to drop an elbow, only to have MVP raise his knees. MVP uses the time to expose a turnbuckle. The ref sees this and tries to put the covering in it's place. MVP tries to use the Money in the Bank briefcase. on Punk, but Punk just kicks it into his face. The ref, however, turns around to find Punk holding the briefcase over an uncounsious MVP and awards the match to MVP via DQ.
 
WINNER BY DISQUALIFICATION: Montel Vontavious Porter. See Punk, that briefcase is nothing, but trouble! Maybe you should give it to someone else! Yes, I hate Punk WAY too much.
 
A replay from ONS. Undertaker walks to the back to that sad song from the first Hulk movie. Or maybe he just walks to the back sadly.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Bad Company looks awesome. Somebody needed to make a spoof of military games for a LONG time now.
 
Chavo and Bam "The Man of 1,000 Facial Expressions" Neely are in the ring. Seriously, when the camera isn't on this guy, he's doing all sorts of things with his face. I caught him once when he thought it was focusing on Edge. Five facial expressions in five seconds. That's good.
 
All that aside, Chavo introduces Matt Hardy and says he'll fight him for the US title at Night of Champions. Give it a rest, Chavo. Have you learned nothing from your bouts with MAN WHO NEVER EXISTED? You weren't meant to win the US title! EVER! Sadly, I was hoping for Vladimir Kozlov vs. Matt Hardy at Night of Champions. Hardy would either have to deliver the greatest promo of his life (because he normally just regurgitates whatever his opponent just said and Kozlov doesn't talk) or explode mid-ring. I hope it's the latter.
 
Matt Hardy W/ Now kind of worthless US title vs. Chuck Palumbo W/ Slash's look
 
Matt starts off the match with a crazy version of the Masterlock. When he's through with that, he goes to the top, but Chuck kicks him off and sends him crashing to the floor. Chuck drags him back in and hits a big back suplex, followed by a huge clothesline. However, Chuck makes the fatal mistake of going to the top rope and diving off. Because giant, hairy men leaping from tall places are easily spotted, Hardy rolls out of the way. A side effect, elbow drop, and "twist of fate out of nowhere" (I say that because it happens on a weekly basis), and Matt has another win.
 
WINNER and "loser of the US title at Night of Champions" (or so Chavo puts it): Matt freakin' Hardy.
 
Recap of Batist beating Triple H at Wrestlemania 21. Remember when Triple H used to win at Wrestlemania? Yeah, neither do I.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: So that's what 90210 is! A zipcode! Seriously, I thought that was the year the show was set in. No kidding.
 
Million Dollar Mania recap. Again. Still feel bad for lady who won 2 dollars. Still feel even worse for Charlie Haas.
Eve appears with Vladimir Kozlov who finally speaks...RUSSIAN! Seriously, I love Kozlov. It could be my obssession with all things Communist kicking in.
 
Recap of Batista beating Booker T, excuse me, KING BOOKAH at Survivor Series.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I swear, if I see another Metal Gear Solid commercial, I'm gonna scream.
 
Jesse & Festus W/ Biscuits n' Gravy vs. Deuce N' Domino W/ No Push
 
If you told a fan who was new to wrestling that Deuce N' Domino were once tag team champs, they would laugh at you and say "Those guys? When's the last time they even won a freakin' match?".
 
Deuce starts off with Jesse, who hits several high-flying moves right off the bat. Domino tries to interfere and Deuce uses the distraction to kick Jesse right in the face, bloodying the poor guy. Domino tags in and immeadiately tears of his shirt. WHY does he do this every single match? Crazy Festus starts headbanging in the corner, hoping for a tag. Deuce N' Domino isolate Jesse for a bit, but Jesse eventually fights through and tags to Festus, who goes postal on everyone, especially Domino. Festus hits a big butt drop and gets the win. Yes, a butt drop. Like that thing Finlay does where you land butt-first on the poor dude's chest. Embarassing enough. When it leads to a pin, it's lethal (to your future with the company)!
WINNERS: Jesse & Festus.
 
Afterwards, Deuce and Domino start to brawl with each other. Obviously, Deuce is not happy that Domino winds up shirtless by the end of every match.
 
Footage of Khali's visegrip on Batista. Sure it can pop basketballs, but it can't pop Batista's head, even if it is full of hot air.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Thankfully, I don't text, so my fingers do not go crazy while I sleep.
 
Batista W/O Hair vs. Khali W/O Runjin Singh :(
As the match (if you can call it that) begins, Edge and Vickie appear at the ring in hopes that Batista will be banished. Um, good luck with that. Batista tries to knock down Khali, but the big man just kicks him out of the ring and delivers a huge headbutt has Teest tries to climp back in. Khali dominates with scoop slams for a bit, but Batista escapes and heads to the top rope. Flying Animal! Khali catches Batista and hits the choke bomb. Oh no! Could Batista really lose? OF COURSE NOT! He kicks out at 2. Khali locks on one of those nerve hold on illiterate foreign wrestlers seem to know (ask Umaga), then goes for the chop. Batista catches that and hits a spear for the win.
 
WINNER: Batista. Poor Khali! Felled by a third-rate move that even the smaller guys kick out of!
Batista gloats whle Edge fumes and makes funny faces. Must of picked them up from Bam Neely.
 
And that's the end of the show! Goodnight everybody!
 
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (06/20/08) 

Welcome once again to the Smackdown Rant! This weeks show comes to us from San Jose, California, which means once again, no reference to Rey Mysterio will be made.
 
Tonight kicks off with the VIP Lounge, which is looking a lot less spectacular than it used to be. No wonder MVP needs a bigger contract. MVP starts off talking about the upcoming Draft. Apparently, even referees can be drafted. Charles Robinson to RAW! Jimmy Corderas to ECW! Scott Armstrong to Smackdown!
 
Eventually, P gets down to the nitty-gritty, saying he wants to be drafted because Vickie isn't utilizing his talents. This brings Vickie out, accompanied by the Edgehead. Seriously, the Edgeheads? They're the last guys I would want flanking me. All the do is stomp, get beat up by Batista, and that lame double DDT they botch half the time anyway. MVP cries about how Vickie didn't give him a bigger contract despite the fact that he beat CM Punk last week. Vickie says he barely beat him, to which MVP responds with a 13-year-old like "Oh whateva!". Vickie, clearly channeling her inner teen angst at being told such a thing, tells MVP he will face Kane later tonight. Oh no! Matt Hardy vs. Bam Neely is next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Is it just me, or does the CW just show the same commercials every week?
 
Matt Hardy W/ OH YEAH! vs. Bam Neely W/ 1,000 Facial Expressions and All of Chavo's Stuff (Entrance Music, Shirt, Old Push)
 
Matt starts things off with a little flurry of punches and an enziguri. But Bam catches Matt as he goes for a running crossbody and hangs Matt up on the ropes. Bam looks in an armbar/headlock and Matt fights out after a bit. Bam proceeds to knock him down and apply the very same hold. Well, if at first you don't succeed....
 
Matt escapes with a jawbreaker and hits a top rope bulldog and a swinging neckbreaker. He ascends the top rope, but Chavo interferes and gets kicked out for doing so. So Matt simply climbs down and hits the Twist of Fate "outta nowhere" for the win.
 
WINNER: Matt Hardy. The "Twist of Fate outta nowhere" is becoming remarkably predictable.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Blue Man Group! They're blue! They're men! And they're a group!
 
Backstage, Chavo whines to Edge about being kicked out by the ref and having to deal with Matt Hardy. Edge promises him he will take care of Matt and the ref, who I think is Charles Robinson, so long as Chavo fights Batista later in the night. Chavo then starts to whine about that. Jeez, is everyone in La Familia a wimp or a crybaby? Except Bam Neely of course. That man is awesome.
 
Michelle McCool vs. Layla W/ Questionable Racial Background
 
Seriously Layla, make up your mind. Are you black? Are you white? Are you Native American? Asian? Hindu?
The All-Ethnicity Girl kicks the All-American Girl in the gut and tosses her out of the ring. Once she tosses Michelle back in, she slaps on a headlock. Natalya comes out and decides to watch the match up close, instead of watching it on one of the little TVs in the back like everyone else does. Michelle powers out and hits drop-kicks and clotheslines and belly-to-belly suplexes. Oh my! But Layla once again kicks Michelle in the gut and heads for the "high rent district". Michelle throws her off and slaps on an ankle lock for the submission victory, which we now know will lead to some long submission battle at Night of Champions when she fights Natalya. Because we all know that's gonna happen. Who did you expect, Victoria?
 
WINNER: Michelle McCool.
 
Vickie and that same wedding planner from last week chat in her office. Edge comes in, kicks the planner out, and tells Vickie to do something about Charles Robinson. Edge, he's just a ref. Just spear him backstage. Anyway,  Robinson gets called in and Vickie forces him into a match tonight. A ref actually getting airtime? Wasn't Friday the 13th last week?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I ate dinner. It was chicken.
 
Jamie Noble vs. Vladimir Kozlov W/ Mastery of the Russian Language
 
This match is basically one big excuse for Foley to go on and on about the history of sambo. Noble gets more offense than most of Kozlov's opponents, but he still gets crushed with a headbutt as he leaps from the top rope.
 
WINNER: The man who is currently the world's coolest Russian. For the slow-witted, Noble is from West Virginia. Kane vs. MVP is next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: You lookin' at the People's strudel?
 
MVP W/ The Ability to Fly Like a Pelican (Auk Auk!) vs. Kane
 
MVP tries to talk smack, but gets smacked. Ouch. Kane totally owns him for a bit, but MVP breaks free when he drop-toeholds Kane into the turnbuckle. Kane battles back with a back suplex, but misses the diving elbow attempt. MVP then hits his big boot in the corner for 2. MVP locks in a submission that strongly resembles the Playmaka, but Kane counters it into a pin. MVP tries the same submission again (shades of Bam Neely!), but Kane turns that into a back suplex. Kane goes on to hit all his usual stuff (clotheslines, big man drop-kick to the sitting P, big boots, sidewalk slam, and the top rope clothesline, which, according to Cole, Kane "doesn't do often". Um, only every freakin' match!). Kane goes for the chokeslam, but MVP gets to the ropes. Kane clotheslines him over those very same ropes. HA! Irony strikes when you least expect it! MVP says "Screw this" and gets counted out.
WINNER: Kane.
 
Afterwards, Fatso blindsides Kane and hits the World's Fattest Slam. Charles Robinson gets utterly squashed, er, wrestles next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Seriously, how many free, broken cars do you find in the country?
 
Charles Robinson W/ Basically The Same Entrance As Kozlov Minus The Total Darkness vs. The Great Khali 
 
Charles comes to wrestle in his referee uniform. What, no engraved tights? Oh look, here comes Khali.
As soon as the bell rings, Charles tries to make a break for it, but the Edgeheads learn a new move and throw him back in. Khali crushes him, then mashes his skull for the win.
 
WINNER: Khali. Medics rush to the aid of Charles. Hey, maybe Khali killed him. Wouldn't be the first time.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Somebody, PLEASE make a funny truck commercial!
 
"Devour" is the official song of Night of Champions. It is also the song the play whenever Mark Henry goes to an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.
 
Jesse & Festus vs. Deuce N' Domino
 
Say, didn't Deuce and Domino get into a big brawl last week? Why the hell would you team after that?
Well, the two waste no time in picking up where they left off last week and start brawling again. This time, Deuce gets his shirt ripped off. Must one of them wind up shirtless by the end of every match? Anyhoo, Deuce recovers and throws Domino back in the ring. Festus beats him up and hits the flapjack for the win.
 
WINNERS: Jesse & Festus. Deuce cracks Domino in da' mouth. 
 
A replay of Miz getting blasted with Finlay's shillelagh on ECW. Miz vs. Finlay is conveniently next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I like flavor too, but you don't see me proclaiming it. Oh. Right.
 
Finlay W/ Hornswoggle W/O Cleanliness vs Miz W/ Sparkly Hat and John Morrison
 
Morrison sits down to do commentary for the match. Foley says that Hornswoggle spent Father's Day getting drunk with Finlay. Isn't he a little young for that, if we're to believe WWE?
 
Finlay takes Miz down with a headlock, while Foley goes on and on about how Miz sucks. Way to build the credibility of a champion, Foley. Somewhere along the line, Miz hits his big corner clothesline. It's hard to watch with so much hilarious commentary going on. The high point would be Morrison flubbing his lines and saying Miz has no skills. And of course, "At the Palace of Wisdom, we don't believe in leprechauns". Later, Morrison goes after Hornswoggle, but the little guy is ready and he whacks Morrison in the knee with a BIG shillelagh. Finlay hits the Celtic Cross for the win.
 
WINNER: Finlay. Foley says that he's dancing. Sadly, the WWE does not let us see Mick get down with his bad self. Chavo vs. Batista is next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Does anyone else miss the old GEICO Gecko?
 
Another Million Dollar Mania recap. This week, I don't feel bad for Charlie Haas.
 
Batista W/ Endless Streak of Main Events vs. Chavo Guerrero W/ The Way More Awesome Bam Neely
 
Ew. I just saw some guy with a "Vickie Guerrero is Hot" sign.
 
Speak of the devil, here comes Vickie now to accompany Chavo and Bam. She says there's gonna be a special referee for the match and it's (Guess who!)...EDGE! COMMERCIALS!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: We few. We happy few...who haven't seen this commercial.
 
Batista starts off accidentally bumping Edge, who the standard ref attire of black pants does not apply to. Batista dominates Chavo, but Edge is checking his shoelace while Batista goes for a cover. When Batista bounces off the ropes, Edge trips him, allowing Chavo and Bam to get in some cheap shots. Batista battles back, but Edge pulls Chavo over on a powerslam attempt and goes for a fastcount. Batista escapes and starts to destroy once more after a short Chavo offensive. When Batista goes after an interfering Bam Neely, Edge counts him out.
 
WINNER: Chavo Guerrero by count-out. Batista gets the Edgehead DDT, a frogsplash, and a spear. Bam Neely looks on menacingly.
 
And Smackdown, much like my eyes during most of the main event, comes to a close.

SEND FEEDBACK TO SHANE STEELE
 
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (06/28/08) 

Welcome to the Smackdown Review! As for now, I'm your host, Shane Steele.

Tonight's show kicks off with a recap of the Draft. Expect to see several of the men drafted to other brands on the show tonight anyway. Call it a hunch.

Vickie then appears and for once, she's not yelling "Excuse me!". She talks about Vince's accident and how he would want the show to go on. Um, he's not dead this time. Just off in some medical facility. Didn't even look as convincing as the whole limo explosion. Vickie says she hopes Vince isn't confined to a wheelchair forever like she is. Come on, Vickie. We've seen you walk!

Jim Ross comes out to the Oklahoma University fight song. How WWE got the rights to this is beyond me. Now I've got the ridiculous visual of Adrian Peterson running up and tackling JR stuck in my head.

And who should follow good ol' JR, but Triple H with his ridiculously creepy sunglasses that always make him look like some evil German doctor. He says Smackdown is his home now and he loves it here. Yeah. Sure. He quickly switches from this "blatant selling" as he puts it to "blatant shilling" of his match with Cena at Night of Champions, but Edge comes out to break that up. Looking at both of them, I realize that almost none of the champions today wear the belts around their waists. Is everyone too fat or something? Edge says he and Trips could get along, but HHH says his ego is way too big for that. Seriously, that's what he said. Oh, and that Batista will beat Edge. Edge says vice versa will happen and that brings out Batista. See! No brand loyalty these days! Go back to RAW! Trips tosses Edge to the ground and he eats spear. Batista nabs the title and holds it up while Trips displays the WWE title that no longer spins. As JR put it, "Shades of holy Evolution!". Later in the night, Edge will fight Matt Ha rdy and Batista will take on Umaga.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Khali gets to be in a few Get Smart adds, but the gadget dorks who aren't even in one get their own movie?
 
Kane and Big Show vs. MVP and Mark Henry
 
Ah, brand loyalty at its finest. RAW just can't keep the guys on the show anymore. Maybe they're making a statement.
Two skinhead white guys battle to black guys. Nope, nothing out of the ordinary here. Welcome back, Michael Hayes!
 
MVP starts off against Kane and goes crazy with a flurry of punches and kicks, but Kane counters with a big right. After a basement dropkick, he tags to Big Show, who utterly destroys P before letting him tag in Fat Man. Fatso tries some punches and kicks, but Show drives him into the corner and tags in Kane. Fatty fights back and brings Kane into his corner. MVP tags in and after a big kick to the head, locks a headlock in on Kane. Kane fights back and hits the usual side slam, corner clotheslines, and big boot. He readies for the chokeslam, but MVP crawls out and tries to take another walk. Fatty-Fatty-Boombalatty has none of it and throws him back in to his chokeslam-related doom.
 
WINNERS: Big Show and Kane. Loser: Racial equality.

Vickie and her wedding planner are talking backstage, which can only mean one thing...it's time for Edge to interrupt them! Edge cries about Batista taking his belt. Why does Edge always come across looking like a six year-old whining to his mom during these promos?
EDGE: Mom, Batista stole my belt! Make him give it back!
 
VICKIE: Oh honey! Mommy will get your belt back for you!
Ew.

COMMERCIAL THOUGH: Ron Perlman kicks ass.

Video package for Umaga. I love that the three monster heels who can't speak English (Khali, Umaga, Kozlov) are all on Smackdown. PLEASE tell me this leads up to some strange meeting where they all speak gibberish to each other.

Finlay and Hornswoggle (UGH!) vs. The Edgeheads (BIGGER UGH!)
 
For once, I'm glad Hornswoggle utterly humiliates his opponents. It's impossible to call any Edgehead offense because 1, they're practically identical, and 2, they barely get in any offense. Match ends when Finlay hits a Celtic Cross and Hornswoggle follows with a Tadpole Splash.
 
WINNERS: Finlay and Hornswoggle. What a trainwreck. Miz and Morrison come to the ramp for the usual staredown. Matt Hardy vs. Edge is next.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I hope a bunch of little people were controlling Eddie Murphy when he made Meet Dave.

Matt Hardy vs. Edge W/ Half Wet T-Shirt?
 
Considering he was last seen hanging out with Vickie, I don't wanna know why half his shirt is wet.
Edge starts off with an armbar, then switches to a headlock. Matt reverses that into a chickenwing and follows with the corner clothesline/bulldog combo. He goes for the "Twist of Fate outta nowhere", but seeing this has been happening since last year, Edge escapes by crawling into the corner. Commercials.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Couldn't you just give Josh some Stick-Um for his hands?

As we return, Matt Hardy hits an armdrag and follows up with an armbar. Edge escapes and Matt hits an enziguri. Edge rolls out of the ring and Matt attacks with a diving clothesline from the apron. They roll back in and Matt goes for some corner punches, but Edge knocks his head into the turnbuckle. Edge hits a crossbody while Matt's in the 619 position. Huh? Edge controls from there and locks in a headlock. Matt battles out and goes for a side effect, but Edge tries to counter, which Matt counters into a b ackslide for 2. Confused yet? Matt hits his next side effect attempt, as well as the top rope elbow drop and a DDT to boot. But when he goes for a moonsault, Edge rolls out of the way. Edge goes for a spear, but Hardy dodges and goes for another "Twist of Fate outta nowhere". Edge counters into a backslide, but Matt kicks out at two.  Matt tries to roll Edge up, but only gets two. Taking a play out of Matt's book, Edge hits the spear out of nowhere for the win.
 
WINNER: Edge.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Not eating for two days is definitely hamburger worthy.

Video package for Jeff Hardy, who will not debut tonight in favor of us watching more guys from RAW.

Kelly Kelly, Michelle McCool, We'll Find Out The Rest Later Because Here Come Commercials!

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Jumping into mud is a stunt?

...And Cherry vs. Maryse, Victoria, and Natalya
 
McCool starts off by doing what she does best and that's utterly annihilate Maryse and Victoria.  While she's destroying Victoria, Kelly Squared tags in for some generic lucha offense. Cherry tags in and controls Victoria for a bit before both make tags and McCool and Natalya are in the ring. McCool dominates until Natalya slams her into the ropes. Natalya slaps on some crazy-painful submission. McCool escapes and goes for what Foley refers to as a "Brazilian leg hold". What, you mean like&nbs p;a gogoplata? Natalya tags in Victoria, who hits a standing moonsault for two. Maryse then tags in and controls for a bit until McCool gets the tag to Cherry. Cherry hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE as the Divas who aren't the legal women start to brawl. Maryse rolls up Cherry for the win.
WINNERS: Maryse, Victoria, and Natalya.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: BORING!

Domino W/ Creepy New Beard vs. Vladimir Kozlov
 
Now that Deuce is gone, can the newly beareded Domino start tagging with Mike Knox? They can be the Beardo Weirdos or The Facial Hair Freaks or something like that. Hell, anything to revitalize the tag team division on Smackdown! A midget is contending for the WWE Tag Team Titles, for Pete's sake!
 
Guess who takes his shirt off as soon as the match starts? The same guy who gets crushed by Kozlov for trying to get in some offense. Kozlov goes armbar, headbutts, and a belly-to-belly suplex for two. Domino tries to fight back, but gets a boot in the face for his efforts. Domino goes to the top rope, but gets hit with a mid-air headbutt.
WINNER: Kozlov.
 
Backstage, Rey Mysterio runs into Hornswoggle. Rey puts on Hornswoggle's hat and kicks his heels. Only Rey Mysterio can make Hornswoggle look cool. And tall.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I watched the Arena League for a bit. Yep. It still sucks.

Here comes Rey Mysterio to a HUGE pop for his final Smackdown address. To make a long story short, he says he's done a lot on Smackdown and hopes to do a lot on RAW. I hope Creative notices the huge pop Rey gets when he brings up his World Heavyweight championship run. Please, put a title on this guy. Here comes Batista, carrying Edge's belt like the big trophy it is.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Saving a baby seal is awesome.

A quick replay of Batista getting busted open on RAW.
 
Batista W/ Edge's belt vs. Umaga
 
Oh dear! What will Edge use to hold up his pants?
 
Umaga and Batista trade blows. Umaga knocks Batisat down, but misses a butt-drop. Batista goes for the Batista Bomb (or to him, just the Bomb), but Umaga counters and hits a big right. A headbutt and a big splash get two. The two go back to trading shots and again, Umaga wins. Umaga applies a nerve hold. Batista battles out with a jawbreaker, but Umaga hits a DROPKICK? Oh my. I had no idea fat people could dropkick. He then applies a nerve hold. Batista powers out and goes for a slam, but falls backward und er the awesome weight that he lifted a bunch of times at WrestleMaina 24. Batista blocks an Umaga corner charge and a Stinger Splash and hits a spinebuster. He pumps up for the Bomb, but the Edgeheads interfere for the disqualification.
 
WINNER: Batista. La Familia (minus Bam Neely) and Umaga proceed to beat down on Batista until Triple H makes the save. The Edgeheads get a Pedigree and a Batista Bomb.

And that's that. Yawn. REALLY boring tonight. Hope the new draftees can brighten things up next week.

SEND FEEDBACK TO SHANE STEELE

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).