Batista interrupts to say he likes to party. He pauses to revel in the cheers that you get when you're the only remotely credible face on an entire show. For years, ONLY Undertaker stood in his way from getting those cheers. YEARS. Teest says good luck with the wedding and they deserve eachother, and he hopes they live happily ever after. AWW HE'S JUST KIDDING! He hates them and hopes they have fat ugly kids, because Batista's merchandise sales have been slippilng lately. But really he's here to challenge E dge for the title. Vickie flatly says no, but makes Edge, his Heads, and Chavo vs Batista and three partners of her choosing for later. Edge adds that if Batista doesn't win this match, he'll never get a shot at Edge's title. Oh shit, that's right - Santino Marella vs Fucking Jimmy Kimmell's cousin later tonight. Till then, commercials.
This week's commercial break topic, Words and Phrases I Hate. First up, "Fuhgeddaboudit".
Back and Finlay is out for a BELFAST BRAWL, the Hardcore Match's ethnic cousin. At least it's better than the uptight brother, the No DQ Match. Chuck Palumbo follows, still keeping his Slash look. If he was really cool he'd just run Finlay over with his bike. Or Hornswoggle! Oh God, let it be Hornswoggle.
Finlay w/ Hornswoggle vs Chuck Palumbo, Belfast Brawl
Palumbo went after Horny outside the ring but Finlay made the save and rolled Chuck in to start the match. They brawl like it's Belfast outside for a bit with Palumbo coming out on top. Chuck is looking for shit under the ring and finds conveniently-placed trash cans. Foley says Finlay has the advantage because under the ring is Hornswoggle's lair, so Finlay would know what's under there better. He knows where to find the weapons that don't have earthworms all over them. They beat eachother with the trash c an until it gets crumpled like a big piece of aluminum foil. Didn't take much, they must be hitting eachother HARD! Big overhead belly to belly by Palumbo on the outside. Back in this gets two and Chuck goes to take off turnbuckle pads. Finlay goes after him with the shilaylay but Chuck turns around and blocks it with a boot. He goes and gets the chain off his bike and carries it back in, holding it in a big noose like he's just seen a black man hitting on his favorite bar rat, but Hornswoggle is in with a low blow. Chuckie chases him out of the ring, but turns and gets hit in the face with the chain for the loss.
Winner : Finlay
The Irish dance the Irish dance. Way up in a luxury skybox is MVP by himself, watching intently and looking like an emo gangster. And no, not just because he's black. Because he's black and wears braids. Foley hilarious says "This match is the realization of all our dreams!" in regards to Cole trying to get people to not change the channel for Santino-Cousin later.
No can do, Michael. Commercials.
Next word is "Synergy".
Show is out in full fag face mode, smiling and shaking hands with little kids. His eye is fucked from that Singapore Cane match. Show doesn't care that he's ugly "now", but what's important is that he's the number one contender to the ECW Championship. Clip show of Show beating down everyone, especially the Miz. God that was great. Show starts talking again but what's this?! It's Mark Henry! SOMEBODY GON GET THEIR ASS KICKED, SOMEBODY GON GET THEIR WIG SPLIT! More often than not that person is Mark Henry, b ut you know. Sweating like a motherfucker despite not having competed in a match in weeks. Henry says that Show once reprimanded him for not picking on someone his own size, but then he went and got involved in a match using sticks. Henry said all Show did was get beat and rolls a video of Show fucking his eye up. Henry is actually pretty funny here and says Show doesn't look like championship material to him. Show says there's nothing between them but air and opportunity before inahling deeply and saying " And dere goes all da air!" Big Show's an asshole. Henry comes down as Big Show shows off his boxer stance that he learned while he was off failing as a boxer during his time away from the WWE. Kind of like Brock Lesnar but not as pathetic. Henry decides to back away and save losing to Big Show for the next "Quick, let's throw together some shit to fill out this PPV" match.
"Anywho". "Anyhey" is equally unacceptable.
WWE won an award and Ric Flair went to get it. They show a homeless mountain man who stole famed music producer Rick Rubin's front row seat. Foley says he's friends with the guy and has the audacity to plug his book The Hardcore Diaries. Now for those of you who don't know. The Hardcore Diaries is in fact the greatest conveyor of the most boring, irreverent, and useless information and anecdotes that no one would ever need or want to know ever created. I give it a thumbs down. Khali time.
Deuce & Domino vs The Great Khali
Winner : What are you, retarded?
In the back now, Vickie Guerrero has all the Smackdown Divas in her office. Vickie says she's comparable to The Fabulous Moolah. I guess if we're talking strictly appearances. Oh shit, they're making a Smackdown Women's Championship. There's something called a Golden Dreams match for later tonight, where the winner of that will be one of the competitors to win the new title. So basically the winner tonight will either be or later lose to Michelle McCool. More Jimmy Kimmell shit now. "Santino vs Cousin Sal - It's what the world is watching!" Foley is awesome. Commercials.
FINALLY. Santino enters first, then Cousin Sal, who gets his own theme song and video. Vladimir Kozlov is losing his shit backstage. Sal is wearing a kilt and Foley says Jimmy Kimmell's girlfriend Sarah Silverman is beautiful. Foley is so fucking funny I can't stand it! Sal is wearing an amateur wrestling singlet because he's fat. There I said it.
Santino Marella vs Cousin Sal w/ Jimmy Kimmell & Roddy Piper
Marella extends his hand but pulls it away. Sal then takes a scoop slam like shit. He goes to get advice from Piper, who I guess told him to "take Santino down". With this expert new strategy in mind, Sal goees and eventually does manage to take down Santino, whose strategy appears to be just to lock in a reverse bearhug and laugh a lot. After he gets up, Santino tells Sal to slap him, but Sal slaps on a side headlock instead. Rope break and Sal with a punch and airplane spin. Sal falls down himself but dod ges a Santino corner charge. Suplex gets one because this is not 1984. There's too many razors for it to be. Another shitty scoop slam and Piper is on the apron for the distraction. Santino runs the ropes and Kimmell trips him up. Santino turns and Sal rolls him up for three. Team Kimmell gets in the ring to celebrate but Santino stops that shit by shoving Kimmell. Santino would instantly and forever be my favorite wrestler of all time if he suddenly went stiff on Jimmy Kimmell and just kicked the shit out of him. Instead, Piper saves this segment from entertainment by laying out Santino. Closeup on Sarah Silverman's unfunny horseface. If you can watch her sitcom or Jesus Is Magic and...no, nothing. If you can just manage to watch either of those, I hate you. Anyway yeah, they all celebrate and whatever. What dumb shit. Commercials.
"Hot to trot".
P is still by himself up there all alone, looking grim. Think we might have a jumper. Eve tries to interview Sal but Kimmell talks for him. He says Sal's next opponent is Big Show, leading Sal to put Kimmell in a headlock before Show carried him away. Kimmell says Sal smells really bad right now, but they're going to make a lot of money. I hate this show.
Still in the back Edge wants to talk to Chavo in private. Edge tells Chavo he's going to be his uncle soon, Uncle Edge, and so asks Chavo to be his best man. Edge then talks about having children to keep the wrestling dynasty going and says they'd be Chavo's cousins. This upsets Chavo for some reason but Edge doesn't notice because he's hugging him. Well allright then. I hope this wedding leads to more than a Chavo face turn. Maybe even an Undertaker return! MAYBE. Commercials.
Back for some Golden Dreams. It's a cardboard star on a pole match. Seriously.
Kelly Kelly vs Layla vs Maryse vs I don't know, all the rest of them
They all go for it at once, like that ever works ever. They then take to fighting individually until Michelle McCool clears the ring. She almost gets it a few times but one person running in stopped her until she disposed of them. Eventually Victoria came in and tried to superplex McCool, leading Natalya to come in and hit a Tower of Doom. She then grabs the star and the right to lose to Michelle McCool at a later date.
Winner : Natalya
Million Dollar Mania. I have to admit I signed up. What can I say, I was feeling bored and greedy.
Vladimir Kozlov vs Jimmy Wang Yang
Yang actually got some offense in on Vladimir! But not a whole lot. Kozlov didn't use his shitty inverted DDT finisher this week. Guess Jimmy Wang Yang just isn't worth it.
Winner : Vladimir Kozlov
Batista says he hopes his partners are at least walking upright and missing limbs. . . AND WHEN HE GETS HIS HANDS ON EDGE, HE'LL BE THE ONE MISSING LIMBS!!! Commercials.
Main Event time. Edge and his Familia are out first. I wonder why Edge decided to pick both of the Edgeheads to be his partners instead of just one of them and BAM NEELY. Cause that guy is tough stuff. All those times when he got hit with one punch and laid out on the floor for half an hour were just flukes. MVP still watching from above, lightly shaking his head at Edge. This angle seems pretty cool. Batista enters next, and why is his pyro always one second late? That first moment of turret gun miming is always awkward to watch. His first partner is Nunzio and he's out looking confident. Funaki follows and Batista rolls his eyes. What an asshole. Colin Delaney is number three and Batista just laughs. Edge is hilarious looking like Delaney is serious business. Foley points out it's actually pretty even since Hawkins, Ryder, and Chavo are all shit. He didn't say it in so many words, but you know.
Batista, Nunzio, Funaki, & Colin Delaney vs Chavo Guerrero, Curt Hawkins, Zack Ryder, & Edge w/ BAM NEELY
Teest and an Edgehead to start things off. Batista knocks the shit out of him until he tags in Chavo. What a fat fucking referee. Batista takes Chavo to his corner but doesn't tag out. JUST TO LET THEM KNOW. Long vertical suplex by Batista and he tags in Colin Delaney for the frog splash which gets two as we go to commercials.
Back and La Familia has kicking the shit out of Delaney throughout the break. Edgeheads are looking good in this match. Batista and his cruiserweights are clapping their hands for support and Batista's looking like one of the really athletic kids in gym class who gets assigned to the basketball team of all the fat, slow, and apathetic kids in the gym class tournament. That kid always made me feel like shit. Fuck Batista. Let's go Colin! Colin gets all kinds of fucked up by Edge. Eventually Edge brings Colin over and makes him tag in Funaki. Funaki actually gets in a couple shots before getting booted down and thrown into the Edgy corner. Chavo Guerrero gets tagged in and has a difficult time with Funaki because he's Chavo Guerrero. Quick tags to wear down Funaki here and Colin's got the never to extend his hand. Just pack your shit up and go Colin, damn.You'll just get in the athletic kid's way. Funaki teases several comebacks but gets put down every time until he dodges a corner charge by an Edgehead and mak es the hot tag to Batista. HOUSAFIRE bit and then he goes for the BOMB but Edge is in to break it up with an Edge-O-Matic that brings everybody in. Batista dominates and lands a "double spear" that doesn't even connect with Chavo yet sends him out of the ring anyway. An Edgehead comes off the top but gets caught and Bombed for the win.
Winner : Batista, and only Batista
Batista celebrates as Edge does his fish out of water face for three consecutive minutes. END SHOW.
Grudenbotzels : MVP's withdrawn badass angle is hopefully setting him up for a main event run. Dear God let's hope, or else we'll be getting some combination of Edge-Batista-Undertaker in the World Title picture for another solid year.
Wienerschnitzels : A Smackdown Women's Title, really? However, Jimmy Kimmell's Cousin Sal takes it this week. I can only hope they were joking about Big Show-Sal. If they end up trying to create the, um, "magic" that was Show-Mayweather...
Remember that annoying German guy that used to work at my local movie theater? : Remember when Melina won the women's title, or was vying for the women's title, or something and they said "The women's title can now be defended on both shows." Why didn't they just keep with that? Or if they forgot, just make that rule up again and go with it? The last thing WWE needs is another title, let alone another women's title.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).