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SmackDown Rant Archive (June 2007)

June 15, 2007
June 22, 2007
June 29, 2007


Lowdown on SmackDown! by British Bullfrog (06/15/07)

Hello Wrestling Fans, and welcome to the...Smackdown Report?! What the hell happened there? Oh that's right, Anvil pussed out of this weeks recap (I don't actually know the reason but I'll attribute it to pussing out until a better explanation appears) so, with Neil covering my ass on Impact, you get Bullfrog! I know what you're thinking, it's like losing a dollar and finding a hundred cents. In other words, essentially the same thing but presented differently. A bit like Triple H and Jarrett? Me thinks so.

The show begins with your heavyweight champion of the world Edge coming down for the Cutting Edge. The Cutting Edge is a bit like columns by Joe Merrick. They both happen very infrequently and both end with someone getting hurt (be it Edge's rivals or the pride of African American people everywhere). Edge says he knows people are worried that he wont be able to follow up having Batista as a guest (I know I am) but he has just the guest to do that. None other than Vince McMahon! Vince comes out and talks about the valley of death or something. Edge wants to talk about the draft and Mr. McMahon appreciation night. Edge wont disrespect McMahon like Cena, Flair and Lashley have. Cena, Flair & Lashley. Spot the odd one out and win a prize! Edge tells Vince not to worry, he does after all still have his money and empire. Vince then tells him he's no better than Cena or Lashley! Flairs name disappears from the list. Vince announces Edge vs. Batista for Vengeance and tells us that life isn't fair and then we die. Thanks for the cheery imagery there, Vince. Vince walks off, satisfied with his days work.

BOOGEYMAN w/Little Boogeyman vs. MARK HENRY
Every single time I recap this show there's a midget involved. What. The. Fuck. Anyway Henry dominates the match, bearhugging Boogeyman and taking out Little Boogeyman. World's Strongest Slam gets the win then Mark Henry beats up a midget. Cue nostalgia for Mysterio's title reign.

Backstage, Vicky Guerrero makes Edge/Benoit and MVP/Batista for later on in the evening. Commercial time.

-Commercial time-

Teddy Long, Vicky Guerrero and Kristal are backstage and Vince interrupts. I cannot tell you how much pleasure exploding the room they are in would give me. Vince tells Vicky she is very...very good. Whoa there. Long wants a word with the chairman in private but apparently there's a problem, and it's Kristal. Vince wants Long to keep his eyes off Kristal. The words 'fucking' and 'hypocrite' spring instantly to mind.

Finally the Jung Dragons reunion we've all been waiting for as Noble & Yang start us off. Yang takes Jamie-San down and tags in London. London beats down Jamie but he still manages to tag in Chavo. London with the armdrag to Chavo and the tag to Kendrick. Chavo gets double-teamed by the Hooliganz (lololol) then London hits the Monkey Flip then Tags Yang who hits a top rope crossbody. Chavo tags in Daivari who beats down Yang and tags in Noble. Jamie-San beats Yang down in the corner then gets a scoop slam for two. The heels beat down on Yang until Yang makes the tag to Kendrick who takes control. There's too many tags in this match. It displeases me. Chavo manages to get the brainbuster to Kendrick but London breaks it up. Yang springboards off London to take out Jamie-San and Daivari. Chavo goes for a suplex on the top rope but London stops it and hits a crazy powerbomb for 3.

After the commercial break we go straight to

Benoit takes the early advantage, getting a wristlock but Edge gets to the ropes. Benoit still in control with some chops and knees then a roll up for two. Modified armbar but Edge gets to the rope before the crossface can be locked in. Edge on the apron and Benoit tries to suplex him back in. Edge goes for the spear through the ropes but Benoit converts it into a suplex and it's time for a commercial break.

Benoit is working the neck as we return but Edge escapes only to be chopped halfway to China, or out of the ring at least. Baseball slide from Benoit then a snap suplex back in the ring. Edge tries to regain the advantage as Benoit misses the flying headbutt. Choke from Edge then a dropkick to gain the advantage. Two count from a big boot. Edge locks in the armbar but Benoit manages to get to his feet then mullers Edge with an enziguiri. Benoit gets the chops then a Northern Lights Suplex for two. Three Amigos then three Germans. Flying Headbutt! But it gets naught but a two count. Benoit charges at Edge, not the wisest move, and gets thrown into the turnbuckle for his troubles. Spear attempt gets turned into a crossface but Edge reaches the ropes. Benoit gets slammed into the corner and a spear for the win. Very good match.

Jillian and Ashley are hatin' on each other backstage. Jillian slaps Ashley then gets chased away. Oh. Matt Hardy is signing autographs ("Yeah, just make it out to: -=MFeR BlAcK pArAdE....god the guys on the board are gonna be so jealous! Pwnage!") when Vince comes to mock him for losing the titles. Ashley is in pursuit and runs into Vince spilling his coffee all over him. I can't be sure, but I think she shouted "stereotype women now, fucka" as she did it. Matt sticks up for her and gets booked in a handicap match against Deuce & Domino and Ashley gets suspended. How unfortunate.

Basically Hardy gets pwned. He attempts to fight back a few times with some suplexes and a top rope leg drop on Deuce but it only gets two. Matt then gets brutally double teamed and has his ribs pounded. Leg scissors from Deuce and Matt gets slammed off the ropes by Domino as we go to yet another commercial.

Matt is struggling back with a Side Effect to Deuce. Crazy combo move by Hardy hits both men but to no avail. Deuce is out of the ring and Domino gets pinned for two. Twist of Fate on Domino! But Deuce runs in and kicks Hardy right in his strange, muppet-like face for a win.

MVP is interviewed backstage. He is better than anybody apparently. Well I got news for you, he loses. Recap over. What? Oh fine, I'll do your fucking main event.

You'll never guess who dominates in the first part of the match? Go on, guess. Did you guess Batista? If you guessed Batista....you were right! MVP manages to get some shoulder thrusts in the corner then bails out. MVP takes the opportunity to hang Batista off the ropes and run back in, only to be taken down. Knee breaker and Batista works the leg. MVP rakes the yes though and goes for the big boot only to get demolished by a Batista clothesline and now for another fucking commercial break.

As we return Batista nails a suplex for the nearfall. MVP manages to get a boot in and shove Batista into the corner. Running boot in the corner by Morris Valerie Peters (i forgot what it actually stands for). MVP hits a DDT then catapults the big man into the bottom rope. Batista battles back with shoulder thrusts but MVP gets the drop toe hold then a chinlock. Knees to Batista but MVP again gets killed with a clothesline. Turnbuckle splash by Dave then a side slam. Huge spinebuster but that dastardly Edge interferes! Batista spears Edge before Edge can spear him then goes for the Batista Bomb and Edge runs away. End of the show, apparently.

Not a bad episode of Smackdown, but I have to say it didn't stack up well with the Impact I see week in week out. That's low.

STEAK: Great wrestled match by Edge & Benoit.
KIDNEY: Pointless storyline strands that will go nowhere i.e. Vince/Long, Ashley's suspension. Oh, and Mark Henry.

 Send feedback to British Bullfrog

There's very little to say about British Bullfrog that many a youth offender officer hasn't already; and if there is, it's probably already been said by one of the three regular readers of his TNA recaps. Sometimes he wonders whether it's really worth giving up hours a week of his life to recap the awfulness that is Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, but his loyal boss Sean Carless is always on hand with a Prozac to take away the pain.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by British Bullfrog (06/22/07)
Hello, boys and indeed girls and welcome to week 2 of my Coverdown! Unfortunately I'm a tad pushed for time this week so I'll skip foreplay (sorry, girls) and jump straight into it.

Before I begin recapping the actually I'll give you a one second recap of the draft: Slkjdhaoduihsd. You may want to record it and slow it down. Ah, re-using old jokes, is there any higher form of wit?

The show starts off with Raw highlights and talk about the explosion instead of showing it. Then, oh yes, we get a ten count salute. Sweet Jesus, Sensational Sherri's family say 'thanks very much', But Bullfrog this was taped before she died! Your face was taped before she died, Italics Contradiction Man. Then we get footage from a press conference about Vince's death and apparently the company will still go on. No word on whether HHH took it seriously and immediately took his throne and sacked all but Ric Flair and Dave from the company.

Kendrick takes it to the heels to start then London comes in for the double drop kick. London's working the shoulder then tags Kendrick who continues the theme with an axe smash. London's in and he dropkicks the shoulder. The story here is: Londrick is working the shoulder. Kendrick takes both of them on but Deuce sends him to the floor. He jumps back up and gets suplexed in off the apron by Domino. Deuce is tagged in and he hits some kicks then gets a modified armbar only to be kicked in the face. Domino's in to prevent Kendrick from tagging but ends up getting hit with an enziguiri. Tags in London who takes down the champions. Domino and Kendrick outside but London nails a springboard dropkick to Domino. Deuce then hits a surprise Crack Em for the win.

William Regal and Teddy Long give their thoughts about Vince McMahon. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Apparently Vince is the only American Regal every respected and the only guy who ever gave Teddy Long a chance. He was the only man who's ever made me visibly sick by watching a television show (I never watched WCW, you see).

Lock up to stat and a headlock takedown from Hardy. Regal struggles to his feet but a shoulder block lets Hardy get another takedown. Regal breaks the hold though and nails a forearm then applies a headlock of his own. More back and forth action until Hardy gets a scoop slam then an elbow drop. Twist of Fate attempt ends up with Hardy getting smacked in the mouth. Back body drop to Regal but he gets the advantage on the outside by throwing Hardy into the stairs. They get back in the ring with Regal in control and Hardy attempts to battles back but gets caned with a knee to the back. Modified Indian Stretch by Regal then another knee into the back. Hardy manages to flip Regal off and both men are now on the mat. They struggle up and Hardy nails a Side Effect for a count of two. Splash by Hardy but the bulldog ends up being a Regal backdrop. Tiger Driver attempt is countered by Matt for a two count but Regal manages to hang on and nails a Tiger Driver after all but it just gets two. Both men get up and Regal charges at Hardy only to get the Twist Of Fate. Good match.

Jillian now gives her opinion on Vince McMahon. Wow, she is...she is articulate. Some phony reasons for the explosion are given by Detective Cole. Chavo gives his thoughts on why it was good for McMahon to be a jerk. Yeah the WWE has always been good to you hasn't it, Kerwin White.

We see Ric Flair giving Batista a pep talk backstage, because it's going to be Flair/MVP at Vengeance with the United States title on the line. Batista uses power to get the early advantage. If I'm gonna be recapping Smackdown for a while, I may need to get a keyboard shortcut for 'Batista uses power to get the early advantage'. Batista generally knocks MVP about a bit until MVP rolls out of the ring and rungs around. Batista begins talking to the ref and MVP takes this opportunity to knock the big man down. MVP beats him down in the corner. Batista kicks him and tries for the Batista Bomb but MVP runs out of the ring as we go to commercial.

We return and both men are on the outside with MVP throwing Batista into those agonisingly painful ringsteps. That thin layer of steel it, it does damage. Back in the ring and MVP misses the running boot. MVP manages to regain the advantage, and gets a modified chin lock. Batista gets to his feet and hits MVP with a snapmare. Drop toe hold and some elbows from MVP but he gets his head clotheslined off. Batista back in control and completely no sells the running boot. DDT for two by MVP. Powerbomb attempt by Batista but its met with a dropkick. Into the corner goes Batista but MVP's charge gets met with a spear and a Batista Bomb.

Sgt. Slaughter (why?) gives his thoughts on Vince and so do Edge & Kristal. A press conference is shown with the 'lead investigators'. I'm seriously considering actually killing Vince to see how they handle it now they've started this storyline.
"I know what we said before...that was just a joke. This time, he is really dead. Seriously. Here's Sergeant Slaughter".


Shannon Moore's lost his female Goldust look! Why?! Who told him that was a bad idea?! Anyway Yang gets the roll up on Daivari but its broken up by Noble. Well if you cant trust your fellow Jun Dragons who the fuck can you trust? Moore tosses Yang out of the ring and Daivari attacks Moore. Noble gets a scoop slam on Moore then a plancha on Daivari. Moore gets a springboard thing on both of them. Yang's in and he hits crossbodys on Noble and Daivari. Moonsault attempt by Yang but its stopped by Moore. Nobles up and a superplex type more to Moore and Yang. Daivari's in and he goes for pins but nothing comes of it then he gets heel kicked by Noble. Moore gets a Whisper in the Wind on Noble but gets sent out of the ring by Daivari. Yang goes up and hits a moonsault on Daivari for the win.

Commercial break then straight into our final match of the evening.


Hey, isn't it funny that seemingly if you jump from RAW, you automatically get thrust into the Main Event, no matter how low you were on the card there? It's as if they think RAW is the top brand or something...
Anyway, Flair is in charge at first, chopping, and going to work on Edge's legs. Edge bails out to the floor to regroup, and Flair follows him out and does, as he's done for 30 years straight, runs right into a backbody drop. You'd think that wrestling through like 10 Presidential terms that he'd finally figure out that it's a bad idea to aimlessly run towards a dude who's got his head lowered. Yet Flair does it repeatedly. Go figure.
Back in the ring, Edge goes to work, but since he's Canadian, he only makes 92 cents on the dollar, and drops a knee on Ric. I can only imagine how this looks to people channel surfing, trying to make heads nor tails of a grandfather getting savagely annihilated. From there, Edge, sells the knee, but goes up top, but gets caught with a big chop by Naitch on the way down. More chops by Naitch from there, followed by a knee drop of his own, followed by more chops and a suplex. IT'S TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL! A school where they still use those little slate chalkboards that hang around your neck, because, you know, he's kind of old. Figure four leglock applied by Naitch from there, but here comes MVP to make the save and cause a disqualification! Poor MVP, he just gets done with Benoit and his brutal chops, and now he has to transition to a guy with even stiffer ones. That's like going from the frying pan into... another really old frying pan? I don't know.

After the match Edge spears Flair and pounds upon him. Batista runs down to make the save, he takes out MVP but Edge spears him. Edge retreats looking most pleased with himself as we go off air.

STEAK: Great match from Regal and Hardy.
KIDNEY: I hate the Vince McMahon death angle more than Lions hate Christians. And Lions HATE Christians.

 Send feedback to British Bullfrog

There's very little to say about British Bullfrog that many a youth offender officer hasn't already; and if there is, it's probably already been said by one of the three regular readers of his TNA recaps. Sometimes he wonders whether it's really worth giving up hours a week of his life to recap the awfulness that is Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, but his loyal boss Sean Carless is always on hand with a Prozac to take away the pain.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by British Bullfrog (06/29/07)
Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to yet another week of Coverdown! I feel like a nanny for a rich kid I've been covering this for so long, I may not be the actual parent but I might as well be. Also, I steal Anvils jewelry. Anyway the previews for Smackdown say there's going to be 8 matches. 8 motherfucking matches. While this may seem pointless and excessive, and believe me it is, it's also proved quite useful as a device for testing out my new match rating system. It's called the Beard Rating System, and instead of stars I give length of a famous persons beard depending on how good the match was.
For example a classic match would earn Rick Rubin whilst a shitty match would get The Killers' Brandon Flowers. It's not so much a rating system as it is a way for me to keep myself amused by thinking of people with beards. Anyway, we've got eight matches to get through so lets get started...

Flair nails some chops but Carlito comes back with a back body drop. Flair's getting pounded in the corner then gets nailed by a dropkick for a two count. Carlito all over Flair in the early going. Abdominal stretch by Carlito, kick in the ribs, reapplied. Flair sneaks out though and hits a big old chop that only serves to anger Carlito who pounds away at Flair in the corner. Body scissors submission from Carlito but Flair struggles up and hits Carlito in the face to break the hold. More chops and a back body drop from Ric Flair. Dropkick attempt from Carlito ends up in the Figure Four! Carlito struggles for the ropes but Flair releases the hold, works the legs then reapplies for the submission.
RATING: Bob Marley (good but short)

We have a commercial break then straight into the next match. Jesus, they are just leaving no room for jokes tonight.

I'm gonna be honest, I can't be bothered to watch this match. And I know you're just gonna skim this any way cos who gives a fuck, but I need to recap it. To keep myself interested however I'm going to add in certain bits that I feel would be cool if they happened. The match kicks off with a bit of a skirmish during Matt's entrance, security guards had to restrain a man coming at Matt with a meat cleaver. I can't be sure but I think he was shouting "Your bulletin said you would rtf! YOU DIDN'T RTF!". Anyway they start with a take down from Hardy then a Cade dropkick. Hardy sends Cade to the outside then nails a baseball slide. Hardy gets to the top rope and holds up a massive sign with his Myspace address then elbow drops Cade. Hardy runs at Cade but gets hit with a sit down powerbomb for a two count. Cade in control now with an Abdominal Stretch and then a scoop slam. Hardy fights back with an enzaguri as some fat chick shouts "MATT, I'M PREGNANT" from the crowd. Bulldog thing from Hardy gets two but Cade counters the Twist of Fate then hits a fatty clothesline. Superplex now on Hardy gets two so Cade tries for another one but Hardy hits a Twist of Fate ftw.
MATCH RATING: Billy Connoly (pointless and adds nothing)

Another commercial break then a video of Michelle McCool being not very clothed. She's also not very talented and not very popular, but they don't put a lot of emphasis on that in the video.


I bet you Funaki doesn't win. I bet you. Noble works on Funaki to start, Chavo tries to take a turn but ends up getting hit with a crossbody rollup for two by Funaki. Noble takes over now, dominating both his opponents. Noble puts Chavo up top but Chavo battles back. The moonsault is missed but Chavo still manages to get a backbreaker on Noble. Clusterfuck now as until Noble nails Chavo with a side kick then nails Funaki right in his face. Sleeper hold by Noble on Funaki but Funaki battles back and hits a jawbreaker. Chavo and Noble go to the outside which leads to the inevitable crossbody by Funaki. Everyone's back in and Chavo tries to take control but gets sent outside by Funaki. Noble goes for a Tiger Driver but he gets sent outside as well. Chavo's back in and gets a Gory Special on Funaki for the win.
MATCH RATING: Rolf Harris (it's ok but nothing special)

Backstage now and Edge is looking for Teddy Long and gets Vicky Guerrero. He refuses to wrestle tonight! Well, I guess Batista better go home cos it's not like any one else is gonna get a fucking chance to have a match with him. The match will happen and it's not going to be a title match. WHAT A BIG MOTHERFUCKING SURPRISE. Edge will be competing under protest. I'm recapping under protest of this damn best of 10923028493 series.

"No, YOU have the stupidest name"
Cryme Tyme are in control to start with Shad getting the tag after JTG plants Domino into the mat. Domino is generally double teamed by the black guys for a while, getting his nose bloodied (the humanity!). Despite this, he manages to send JTG out of the ring and tag his partner. Deuce and Domino in control now with Domino getting JTG into a modified headlock until Shad tags in and once again it's a game of beat up the Domino. Deuce is pushed off the apron by Shad then Domino gets made dead by a powerslam. Double team attempt by Cryme Tyme but Deuce takes out JTG and Domino rolls up Shad for the win.
MATCH RATING: That guy who works at the shop down my road (not bad but seriously who's going to notice anyway)

After the commercial Deuce & Domino are celebrating and Cryme Tyme steal their car. Oh. They then play basketball, watch Sanford & Son and listen to hip hop.

Death by fucking matches. I'm using fucking as an adjective here, there aren't actually any Fucking Matches going on. If there were I certainly wouldn't be doing eight in a night. Lol. MVP goes on about how great he is, etc, but then Kane cuts him off. Kane overpowers MVP in the early going until a powerbomb attempts ends up with MVP rolling out of the ring. MVP gets back in and fights back with a big kick to the face before working the bigm'ns arm. Kane gets some right hands to help escape from the arm lock but ends up getting hit with the running big boot from MVP. Kane fights back though with a big boot of his own then hits two running splashes. Yes, two! Side slam now by Kane for two. Yes, two! Flying clothesline now from Kane then a Goozle gets elbowed out of. Drop toe hold into the turnbuckle on Kane and MVP goes for another boot. Kane blocks it though and chokeslams MVP ftw.
MATCH RATING: Jesus (not bad, but there's nothing original about it)

Eugene is in the back and Great Khali shows up. Apparently they're going to wrestle tonight. Oh yes, ANOTHER FUCKING MATCH.

Backstage Mickie and Victoria are arguing about who is the most wild. Victoria promises to kiss the next guy who walks in and it's only Howard Finkle. LOL! Then Jim Duggan! LOLOL! AND NOW BIG DICK JOHNSON! MY GOD THIS IS SO FUCKING COMICAL! Now Ron Simmons comes up and she kisses him.
RON: Damn!
ME: sigh

Crossbody on Victoria by James. James attempts to go up top but Victoria knocks her down. There is something about Victoria that I find incredibly unattractive. Therefore this match isn't even classed as soft porn thus making it plain old awful. Generic diva action until James hit a hurricanrana then a neckbreaker and gets a two count. DDT attempt by James but Victoria uses the knee brace to send James down. Moonsault misses and James rolls up Victoria for the one two and three.
MATCH RATING: Due to my disdain for Victoria it gets My Nan (unattractive)

Oh christ, it's time.

MATCH RATING: Me (there isn't one there)

Commercial and straight into our fortieth match of the evening.

'Haha, I can't believe you feel for that last chance thing' match
You know, where I come from the words 'last' and 'chance' when put together to form the phrase 'last chance' means that it is someone's last attempt at doing something before they are no longer permitted or able to do it. Not a half way point in a 'feud' that has lasted for well over a million years. But then that's South London for you. Edge runs away for a bit then kicks Batista in the leg. Haha, he got kicked in the leg. Batista uses the strength advantage (deja vu?) then works the leg with a single leg crab thing. Batista releases the hold and Edge gets slammed after trying an Edgecution. Low blow attempt by Edge ends up in him getting thrown out. I had a similar experience with yo' Momma last night.
I put so much emphasis on the commercials cos they are literally the most exciting thing so far in this match. Maybe even this show. When we come back Batista is...get this...using his power to get the advantage. Edge manages to battle back with a neckbreaker then another one while Batista is on the ropes. Headlock now by Edge but Batista powers out and hits Edge with a spear. Splashes by Batista then a side slam gets two. Edge gets a kick to the face then that move that X-Pac always did but now Edge does. Spear attempt by Edge ends up with him getting mullered with a spinebuster. Edge rolls out of the ring but Batista has none of it and throws him back. Another Spear fails and it's a Batista Bomb for the win.
MATCH RATING: I ran out of beards. Sorry, everyone.

STEAK: Well, three out of the eight matches were quite good if meaningless

KIDNEY: The sheer attack of matches really took away from the show, no storylines were developed and it really felt like they have no idea what they're going to do now that big thing that happened has happened and this was a real filler.

 Send feedback to British Bullfrog

There's very little to say about British Bullfrog that many a youth offender officer hasn't already; and if there is, it's probably already been said by one of the three regular readers of his TNA recaps. Sometimes he wonders whether it's really worth giving up hours a week of his life to recap the awfulness that is Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, but his loyal boss Sean Carless is always on hand with a Prozac to take away the pain.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).