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SmackDown Rant Archive (June 2006)

June 02, 2006
June 09, 2006
June 16, 2006
June 30, 2006

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (06/02/06)


Welcome once again, my faithful followers, to the newest Smackdown recap! And this week I have more guesty goodness for you all, as TWF never fails to deliver! (Ask Sean, he insists it’s Paypal’s fault that I don’t have my DVD yet). So let’s get on with it shall we?
Ok fessing up time. I do have a guest for you this week, but unfortunately I couldn’t get anyone famous to do it (if you could really call Iron Sheik and Josey Scott all that famous) but fear not! I picked up some drunk on the way home from the pub, and he’s a real expert on not just wrestling, but EVERYTHING! Srsly! His name is, erm…what’s your name again?
Drunk: ‘Oo really needs a name, eh? I mean, if ya ask me, they’re pretty fookin’ samey. Everyone’s named bleedin’ Joshua nowadays, bloody ridiculous it is…*hic*
….See?! Told ya he was reliable. Anyway, on with Smackdown, the show of Kings! Just..not very good ones. You know, those ones that were so shit that they don’t even have their own section in a History textbook. Assholes.
Paul Heyman is out guest announcing for the first match. Interesting. I’ll be honest though; love the guy, but never really liked his commentating:
 “Rhino, the Man-Beast, from Detroit, Michigan, last ever ECW TV champion, former partner of Steve Corino, Anti-plantpot extremist, lover of waffles, but only with syrup, just poked RVD, from Battle Creek Michigan, Mr. Monday Night, Mr. Thursday Night, Mr. Saturday Afternoon, former ECW Heavyweight champion, secret KKK member, fan of Three’s Company , IN THE EYE!”
Yeah, know your stuff, Paul, but don’t go relaying a wrestler’s biography every 5 minutes. Ya gotta wonder if he was like this all the time, telling people he was off to the STORE STORE STORE or maybe he banged his face on the DOOR DOOR DOOR. Gets old doesn’t it? Then why did people like Heyman doing it so much with the word Gore…?
Anyway, enough of this pointless rant. That’s why I have my drunken friend with me, right?
Drunk: You know when you eat Celery it makes you lose weight? S’true. Same wiv apples, it is. Yer healfier not eatin’ the bleedin’ fings!
There we go. First match!
Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio – It’s been done a dozen times now so let’s just get it out of the way as filler match
Good match, crappy finish. Both combatants were really over with this crowd, so the atmosphere was great. Angle’s character still confuses the shit out of me though. He’s heel here but for all intents and purposes he’s a face as well. The ECW thing involving him doesn’t help either. Anyway, nice spot sees Angle catch Rey in the 619 and drags him inward for the ankle lock, but Rey rolls him up in a very near fall. Angle follows up and hits a belly to belly on Rey to the outside where Rey…gets counted out. Man, there’s just no STOPPING THIS CHAMPION OF CHAMPIONS! Rey gets back in after the finish, and shakes hands with Angle. D’aww.
What did I gain from this match? – Some good face-to-heel relations on Smackdown, at least.
The announcement is made, Batista is back very soon. Good to know that we’ll soon be treated to the site of a 180lb roidless Batista, who will no doubt job to Mark Henry. Oh I’m all a-fucking-quiver.
Segment shows Nunzio in the back wondering where Vito is. You know, Vince, I was being SARCASTIC when I mentioned guys in drag are good to get a guy over, in relation to Burchill and Regal. Great, soon Mark Henry’s gimmick is gonna be a movie tie-in with Big Momma’s house 3. Hey, more like Big Momma’s HOSS! Geddit! YA! Gimme some of that booze, Mr. Drunk.
Drunk: Whisky is bad fer yer, yer fookin..bastid ya…*points* you’re getting FAT!
That’s a mop.
Drunk: Yeah and it’s FAT.
If Samuel L. Jackson is out there, please reply to my email invitation. I’ll pay you in...erm…snake repellent? Anywho, next match:
Matt Hardy (Man w/ Vagina) vs. Nunzio (Man w/o Man who wishes he had a vagina)
Not bad, I suppose. Solid, definitely. Matt Hardy wins with a Twist of Fate on Nunzio, who is then comforted by an appearing Vito who is…wearing a black dress and heels. Vita massages Nunzio, who turns to find the monstrosity and understandably spazzes out after witnessing such a horrifying freak of nature. It’s giving me awful flashbacks of the One Night in China recap I did…
What did I gain from this match? – She…she really had a penis..when I close my eyes I still see it….
Anyway! Piper’s Pit is next, awesome. His guest apparently is Great Khali and the only question I’M thinking of is if Piper can reach high enough to twat Khali over the head with a coconut? Hmm, wait, the guy’s Indian right? Perhaps try using a can of Coconut milk, Roddy? Hit the face. It’s not like anyone will notice any damage.
Anyway, Piper tries to convince Khali and Daivari that Taker is actually very tough (you know, despite getting his ass handed to him cleanly at Judgement Day) This make Khali mad. Khali go rawr. You know, I suspect Khali was tought how to speak from Iron Sheik:
*Cut to*
Khali: Um, sir? I understand you are a veteran of this great sport and for that I have the utmost of respect for one as illustrious and legendary as thee, however I cannot imagine why I should be taught to speak and do promos in a manner such as this?
Khali: You make a strong point. How’s this: KHALEEEEE
*Cut back*
Whilst we’re on that subject, I wanna know who taught the guy WRESTLING as well. Probably a bear
*Cut to*
Bear: Now, my son, you shall learn the ways of the-
*Cut back*
Lolz. Hey, least I make myself laugh. Anyway, the interview crumbles apart to the point where Khali HITS PIPER ON THE HEAD. Which of course is the Indian symbol for IMMA KILL j00! Or something.
It is apparently Diva hour due to the following proceedings. Apparently Ashley is now on Smackdown, so I guess that’s WWE’s way of telling her ‘bye bye’. This is then followed by:
Jillian Hall vs. Kristal – Look boobs! Match
I often wonder what the point of Diva matches on Smackdown is. They’ve got nothing to look forward to, except maybe a Playboy deal at best, which is yet another way of WWE saying ‘see ya’. Plus, Jillian here was doing Goddamn 450’s in OVW and now she does catfights? Meh. Match ends when Jillian rips off her clothes and then Kristal’s and it all breaks down into a depraved orgy including dildos, vibrators and those bead thingies. Ok not really but it’d be the only reason I’d care about the Divas if they did. Jillian wins after countering Kristal’s not-so-victory roll.
What did Drunken man gain from this match? – Ooh if I were 10 years older and she were…that age; I’d have a right go at that
Which one?
Drunk: The brunette one! T’one wiv long ‘air and gold pants on..fook me she’s topless!
That’s Paul Burchill. He’s out for another match with Mark Henry (?!). Oh, this is after Michelle McCool came out, by the way, just to tell us that things were gonna get ‘HOTTER’. What, you’re gonna set yourself ablaze? Go do that. Seriously. You’re not even all that hot. Fat bitch. Gimme some more of your booze, Drunk.
Oh dear, looks like I’m gonna need it for this match:
Mark Henry vs. Paul Burchill – Oh fuck, not again Match
I think it’s safe to say that in honour of the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and due to the fact that Henry destroys Burchill (AGAIN) with two World’s Strongest Slams for the pin, that Burchill now has a Dead Man’s Chest! And yes, I wanted to make that joke. So what.
What did I gain from this match? – Henry, why you taking out Canadians and Brits? YOU ARE A RACIST, BUDDEH.
Oh, speaking of racial stereotypes and the like, here’s Finlay!
Finlay vs. Caden Matthews aka Jobber
Finlay basically buries the youngster and defeats him easily. To add insult to injury, however, Finlay’s leprechaun once again makes an appearance to help Finlay beat down on Matthews. Nice. Wait, did Finlay just put the guy back under the ring? Shit, is THAT what lives down there? And here’s me thinking all they had there was tables, trashcans, sledgehammers, chairs, ladders, more tables, Cut Hennig’s stool sample, a puking Ultimate Warrior and another table. Didn’t think they would be able to fit even a midget in there too.
What did I gain from this match? – Midgets: Lethal Weapons
What did you think of this match, Mr. Drunk?
Drunk: You know that Elton John? He isn’t really gay ya know. Oh aye! Straight up! Got a wife and kids and everyfin’. Mind you, that don’t mean much nowadays, does it? Probly as bent as a nine bob note. Takes it up the chuff and all that. Heard it here first.
Yeah. Anyway.
King Booker is now out (no, not HHH…oh, and tm James Walker) and is accompanied by William Regal, who proclaims ‘all hail King Booker’. Booker tries to give a speech but is interrupted by Lashley, who gets a real big pop. A match ensues.
King Booker vs. Lashley: Soft Spoken Anarchist
Good match, if a bit short. Booker tries to hit Lashley with his kick of doom, but Lashley catches him mid-kick, and hits a running powerslam for the pin. I love how Lashley can’t seem to decide what his finisher is, so he just tries a new one every month. First a Dominator, then a Spear, now a running Powerslam? All these high impact moves for a supposed ‘gentle giant’. Well, wouldn’t let him take care of MY kids, that’s for sure! What was I talking about?
What did I gain from this match? – Hey, let Lashley do the Pearl River Plunge. Just for shits and giggles.
Post match Lashley is attacked by Regal of all people. Lashley fights back until Finlay joins in and all three kick Lashley’s ass (although Lashley keeps fighting back, so they’re FINALLY selling him as a monster) Booker then gets the throne placed in the ring, sits in it, and has Regal and Finlay make Lashley ‘bow’ to him whilst he’s knocked out. Then they make ‘that sucka kiss Booker’s foot’. Awesome. Show goes off the air.
What pleased me? - Not as much shit this week, I suppose.
What pissed me off? – It was just such a dull week. And just seeing Henry pisses me off anyway, so I suppose I don’t need to mention him anymore. From now on, if I don’t mention Henry in this section, just assume he still pisses me off. In all likelihood, he does.
Anyway, thank you, drunken person for filling in this week, do you have anything to say to the legions of fans out there?

Drunk: Jush one tip…if yer muvver asks where I am, just tell ‘er I’m at bowling or sommat. I dun even like it but fook ‘er she’s a right plonker, bless ‘er. *collapses*
Nice. See you all next week!

 Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.


Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (06/09/06)


Welcome, friends, foes, and wannabe Joes. This week we shall see the continuation of Rey’s shitty title run, black on black violence with Booker and Lashley, and perhaps the THRILLING conclusion to Vita’s cross dressing habits, because as we all know, WWE sucks.


Anywho, Regal is out first of all to remind us what happened last week. Man, it’d be great if they did it like DragonBall Z (Which I do NOT watch, stfu):


*Cut to*


“Last time, on WWE SMACKDOWN! Bobba Lashley was challenged by the dreaded King Bookerugon to a fight to the death!”


Booker: *Sweats, growls, throbs* Now, Lashley, feel the wrath of my CANOODIGGISUCKA RAY!!


“Can Lashley defeat the evil King and go on to find the elusive balls? (That he lost due to steroids)”


*Cut back*


Lamely awesome. Anyways, he introduces Booker so we can all ‘hail’ him and stuff. However, Lashley runs out from the crowd and jumps WIlliam (“Ooh Regal…I DISAGREE!”)  Referees and those mysterious officials come out to break it up. Seriously, what are those ‘officials’ supposed to be “officialling”…at? Do they just hire guys to wear suits and run out to the ring to get knocked over by wrestlers? The job description must be pretty thin. Anyway, Lashley vs. Regal is announced by Long, the stip being that if Lashley wins, he faces Booker. Cool.


Anyway, the big buzz tonight is whether Rey Mysterio will be recruited by Paul Heyman. Personally, I’m not bothered either way unless Rey is made to use his old style in ECW, in which case I’ll embrace him again.



Psicosis (w/ Super Crazy) vs. Brian Kendrick (w/ Paul London)


The usual start, which is then followed by some creative rollups and lots of pin attempts. You know, watching WWE pretend it has a tag division is like watching a retarded kid act like he’s fighting evil with a pan on his head. Or something. Hey, you want clever analogies, go read James’ stuff. No, no WAIT! Damn it. Ah well I can say what I like now that no one is reading. Hey, you know what I hate about Canadians? They [CENSORED] the hell out of [CENSORED] and the worst thing is, they insist on doing that weird [CENSORED] thing. You know where they hold [CENSORED] up to their mouth and play [CENSORED] with it? Fucking weird, man. Oh, Psicosis wins after a mawd-I-fahd belly-to-belly from the top rope for three. Very nice finish, actually.


What did I gain from this match? – [CENSORED]


Post match, Khali comes out and destroys all four of the poor little guys. Perhaps he thinks that by defeating cruiserweights their downfalls will bestow the power of FREAKING MOBILITY upon him. No dice, you ugly fuck.


Kristal is interviewing Finlay….again. She asks him about his leprechaun but he covers her mouth (Thank the Irish Gods) and pretends she was asking about Rey, to which he simply replies he doesn’t care if he goes or not…in fact he adds that ‘he doesn’t care if Rey’s head was used for a ball in the World Cup’. Kaaay.


Backstage, some of the cruisers including Helms and Kash want to know where Nunzio stands in relation to ECW. Just then Vito walks in in a dress and I suddenly see the genius behind it. I reckon Vito must have realised the only way he’s gonna keep a job is if Vince thinks he’s a diva, so there you go.Vito then challenges Nunzio to a match, to prove he’s the toughest man even in a dress. Aim high, man. Aim high.


Vita w/ dress vs. Nunzio


Well, apparently FBI now stands for Female B-….Feminine Body…




…ok fine I can’t think of anything. Pretty much the same mindset of the creative team it seems, as Vita actually defeats Nunzio. As for the match, it was alright. Mainly brawling and manhandling of Nunzio going on, but Vito wins with a modified spinning DDT. Nothing to get your panties in a twist about. EH?! EH, Vito?! I made a funny! Hey! Kill me please!


What did I gain from this match? – I honestly think this, coupled with Regal’s wench thing, that this is Vince’s subtle way of telling us what he gets up to in the weekends. Either that, or Linda is really a man. (as if we didn’t know, dude)


Up next is the big stip match


Lashley vs. William Regal


It may be worth mentioning here that Lashley already has a squash victory over Regal. Why is it worth mentioning? BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT CONTINUITY DAMN IT. Anyways, Booker and the Vanilla Ice Queen (I know Vanilla Ice isn’t black but damn it this is smart for me) are observing from the stage. Gotta say, I’m liking Booker in this role. As for the match, not bad. Regal starts off by attacking from behind and soon gains control. Soon, though, Lashley gets the Big Boot in there and a couple of belly-to-bellies. It ends up with Lashley on the outside, and as Regal tries to use a chair, Lashley CHUCKS THE SPEAR! Lashley then continues the monster thang by getting Regal ANNIHILATED via a VICIOUS….count out. Oh.


What did I gain from this match? – Man, I wouldn’t want to mess with that Lashley dude. Who knows, I might end up staying in a particular area for more than 10 seconds! FUCK ME a fate worse than death, that is.


Oooh and here’s a bikini contest. I wonder how this will end? A catfight? A shitty promo? The possibilities are limited!


Smackdown Bikini Contest – Jillian, Kristal, Ashley and Michelle McCool


McCool refuses to take her clothes off because of…how the media portrays teachers? Huh? Yes, Michelle, stripping clothes off ALWAYS reminds me of doing math, mmhmm. Well, spose in some cases it would lead to ‘multiplication’, eh? Eh? Aah I’m funny. Anyway, Ashley wins, just cos.


What did I gain from this contest? – Hey, Vince, guess what! I got the Playboy channel! Lookie me! I’m watching girls do stuff that is actually sexy! What are the odds!


Oh lord, here we go:


Mark Henry vs. Yet Another Jobber – Like you cared Match


Yaknow recently a couple of my friends have said they don’t mind and in fact, kind of like Henry. Let’s set a couple of things straight shall we. Forgetting the whole ‘never been majorly over in 10 FUCKING YEARS’ thing, discounting the ‘never been good enough for Main Event status’ element, ignoring the ‘is a talentless, forgettable, boring, irritating, unsightly waste of shit’ thing, let’s just look at how he’s being booked. The guy hasn’t won over any good established superstars CLEANLY. He won Angle and Benoit via count-out, and only gets squash victories over jobbers or guys like Burchill. You know what this means? It means WWE KNOWS how fucking shitty he is, and wouldn’t want to risk the HUGE uproar if he were to cleanly win over anyone GOOD. So considering that even WWE recognises how really fucked up he is (And let’s be honest, he’s getting pushed because he’s big, plain and simple) then NO ONE should even DARE suggest the man deserves to be in a ring.


And by the way, Henry wins via his stupid shitty slam because you really fucking cared. Then he makes a promo (or as I like to call it, Large Fat Black Guy Wobbling his Jowels) about how Batista is making a mistake coming back. He ends up getting injured by your fat clumsy ass again then yeah, asshole.


What did I gain from this match? – A BURST FUCKING BLOOD VESSEL.


Mr Kennedy is back! Happy day! He comes out and does his usual intro, and gets some decent reactions. Awesome.


Ken Kennedy vs. Scotty Too Hotty aka I only have a job because of my finisher


Kennedy starts things off by jumping Scotty from behind, but Scotty soon gets an advantage. Although in this situation it’s slightly akin to a fish getting a headstart away from a shark. HE GON’ GEDDIT!


Kennedy comes back though with a shot and hits a nice Russian Legsweep, and ends up getting the three after a “Kenton Bomb”. Awesome.


What did I gain from this match? – Is it lonely back there in the 90’s, Scotty?


Interesting segment next, as Michael Cole is in the ring going on about how he’s heard rumours of Heyman trying to get Rey to jump to ECW. He says he wants Heyman to set the record straight, but Tazz interrupts and announces that as much fun as he has had at WWE, he’s done and is ready to go to ECW. He then walks out, and greets Heyman with a hug. Interesting. Looks like Cole is left on his own to go on about Carnivores. Maybe he should call wildlife? ‘The lioness takes down the zebra with one strike! What a man-oo-vur!’


Ahem. Mysterio is then out and tells Heyman that he appreciates what ECW did for Rey’s career in the US, but he is living a dream on Smackdown, and doesn’t want to leave. Heyman wishes him the best of luck for his match tonight with Finlay, because he will need it.


Finlay vs. Rey Mysterio


Guiness vs. Tequila! There, obvious racial slur is out of the way. Nice match here, with a very interesting finish that sees a certain Arab returning to distract Rey! That’s right! ALLEEEYEEEAAAHLEEEYEA HA fooled ya. Actually, Sabu is here and he distracts Rey, allowing Finlay to hit the Emerald Fusion (after clobbering Rey with his stick….nyeheheh) for the pin.


What did I gain from this match? – ah yes, the Hardcore Revolution begins here, with DEADLY POSES to distract our victims into their DOOM.


Post match, Sabu sets up Rey on the table outside for a HUGE Leg drop through it! Awesome. You know what I find hilarious though, is that all the douchebags from RAW give up their time to save Cena, but no fucker comes out to help Rey. Not even Funaki, man.


Show goes off the air.


What pleased me? – Ah, Sabu. Just, Sabu, I love him. Nuff sed. Oh, wait, Kennedy returning was AWESOME as far as I’m concerned. I predict big things for him.


What pissed me off? – to be honest it wasn’t the worst, but it’s still kind of dull. I’m honestly not sure if that’s worse than OMFG TERRIBLE but still, meh.


That’s it for this week, buckaroos and schmuckeroos, I’ll be back, as ever, with more LSDy goodness for all you junkies out there! Ta-bye!

 Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.


"Remy's" Lowdown on SmackDown! (06/16/06)


Holee-sheeeit. It’s the Remster here, filling in for Joe this week because I owed him one. But truthfully, the chance to recap a WWE show was too much to pass up. And just because I love TNA, don’t expect me to show a dramatic amount of favouritism. But a little bit is guaranteed, heh. I promise to give my unique perspective on this God awful and shitty product with ZERO bias. *wink wink*


Oh, and for those who missed it, the official return of DX can be found on WWE.com, during a fucking PRESS CONFERENCE. Wow, way to build an angle up to an appropriate and satisfactory conclusion, WWE. Just imagine if Frodo had thrown the ring into the lava somewhere in The Two Towers, but they kept on plugging away like Return of the King was something special.


But, on to the Smackdown Recap!


JBL is out to start the show. Claims he’s “Mr. Ratings” (I think our good friends at Nielsen might have a different opinion) as he takes his announcer spot at ringside. And we are off to our first match.


Rey Mysterio vs. Gregory Helms:


Lots of potential in this match … if it occurred at a TNA taping. Hehe, okay, I couldn’t resist. I promised Sean I’d be fair. My promises are worth jack shit, but in this case I’m cool with it because of … integrity? Okay, who sold their soul for THAT to happen? I know it wasn’t me, because I traded it to lose my virginity already.


Rey looks to be the underdog once again, even against Helms. It is nice to see a champ who can put almost anyone over, I’ll give Rey that much. Even if it is for all the wrong reasons. Eventually the “Eddie” chants begin, you know, to show support for Rey. Now, can’t say I’ve weighed in on this issue to date, but isn’t that like saying “McDonald’s is great so you should definitely go eat at Wendy’s!”? Vince MUST have a vagina with that kind of logic.


It’s odd that I should feel bad for both participants in a match. Rey sold like crazy for the most part, but Helms eventually lost to the 619 and a weak-looking dropping of the dime. So they both kinda look like shit at the end, even though they had a very good match. No crazy spots to report, but being candid, that’s never been WWE’s forte. The important stuff:


-Rey wins

-JBL mocks Rey on commentary


What did I gain from this match? Herpes. Of the SOUL. Okay, I know that’s way too harsh, I just wanted to make that joke.


Mexicools vs. Khali is set up for later.


Booker T is coming to the ring now. He’s got Biblical revisions to make, and at least ONE queen who deserves to have her head roll. Very long entrance here. If this were TNA, there would be at least two commercial breaks during Booker’s walk down the ramp.


Lashley comes down after Booker, but ends up getting jumped by Regal and Finlay, with Booker jumping in as well for the beat-down. Matt Hardy and Gunner Scott make the save.


Backstage Segment


After a commercial we go backstage to see Lashley getting his knee iced. He was hit by Finlay with his ALAYALAYEEEEHAYAHAYAYAAAAA. You know, his Muhammad Hassan sounding thing. Didn’t Joe make that joke already? Probably.


Ken Kennedy is out to the ring now, yay! And after saying his name, which constitutes a Kennedy promo, it’s …


Jobber vs. Kennedy:


Jobber? Isn’t that like a “worker?” Which is another word for Communist! Watch out buddy, no way you’re putting your nukes in Cuba with this guy around.


Kennedy wins with a neckbreaker, nothing special, although it is great to have Ken back.


What did I gain from this match? Good God Kevin Costner fucking blows.


Backstage Segment


Mexicools chat backstage. Not all is well in Mexicoland, however, and dissension may be present. Dissension vs Jesus (Hey Zeus) to take place at Vengeance.


Batista returns in 21 days. Now where is my fucking Christmas Calendar to count down to that? Just imagine that Batista chocolate on the final day. Ha, I bet it would look too much like Lashley if it was made of chocolate, and too much like Lesnar if it was white chocolate. Poor Batista. He’s the poor man’s … Batista.


Sylvan vignette is shown. He’s now apparently a travel rep for Quebec (seriously). I guess this means his lucrative modeling career is finished on Smackdown. Too bad, too, because they were *this* close to finishing that “Sylvan Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good.” (TM. Sean Carless).


Mexicools vs. Khali:


What did I gain from this match? PISS BREAK! That and JBL takes more airtime to rant on illegal aliens. If this was the Sci-Fi network he’d be chastised for saying that, and zombies would immediately take their place.. Ok, wrong aliens. Whatever.


Anyway, Khali wins by chokeslamming and pinning Super Crazy after Psicosis walks out on him. I win by relieving my bladder. And Vince wins by insider trading, or else he’d be one broke ass motherfucker.


They recap some bikini contest. But really, this recap is useless to you there. The only good thing that could have possibly come of this is the footage that went with it. Okay, okay, fine. GIRLS IN BIKINIS. (Sean, can you link this to some girls in bikinis? Heh) Happy now?


Gunner Scott and  Matt Hardy vs. Finlay and William Regal:


 We’ve got tag action, coming up. All four of these guys can wrestle a damn good match, no doubt about that, so here we go. And for a special treat, our boss, Sean Carless is going to cover this match!


I still can’t get used to this “Gunner” Scott business. I remember when I first heard that Stephanie had changed Brent Albright’s name, I went to a NEWZ site to see what it was and in typo was “Gunther” Scott. Sadly, my wishes of him debuting as a Swedish coffee house owner with an unrequited love for a Diva never came to fruition. And instead we just have “Gunner”. Oh well. It’s still better than Shiloh.


Hey wait! There’s match going on here! A very good, well-paced match, actually. And look, Finlay and Regal have put that whole centuries of hatred and class distinction thing aside in support of a common monarchy! You know, the original reason why Ireland was pissed off in the first place. But whatever. They both hit people real hard and that’s good enough for me.


Anyway, Matt Hardy is your emo in peril here as Finlay and Regal take turns double teaming him. At one point on the floor, Matt is low-blowed with the shillelagh by the Leprechaun under the ring. That may be the most absurd sentence I’ve ever written. Back inside, Matt gets the hot tag to Gunner, and the crowd EXPLODES!!!! And they do so without moving their mouths or showing any visible body language! 12,000 of the BEST ventriloquists in the New Jersey area have all come to this show in support of Gunner Scott! That, or they piped in the cheers. I refuse to believe they’d stoop to that though….


…With that said, Gunner goes to work, and comes flying off the top with a missile dropkick. It doesn’t bother Finlay though because shit exploding around him is old hat by now I’m sure. Gunner then hits a German suplex on Finlay. In the ensuing CHAOS, Regal & Hardy fight on the floor, and Finlay strikes Gunner with the shillelagh to get the win.


After the match, Finlay dispatches the leprechaun who attacks everyone from Hardy to Regal to Scott. Finlay then picks up the little guy and slams him on top of Gunner. Hey, apparently in real life, midgets hate it when you randomly scoop them up and throw them violently into people. Live and learn, I guess.




Teddy tells Booker his match is still on. Booker is irate.




Michael Cole is in the ring and calls out Chavo Guerrero. They discuss whether or not Chavo will come out of retirement, showing the results of a WWE.com poll that was about 80% in favour. Gotta love those other assholes that made up the 20%. Before Chavo can give an answer one way or another, Mark Henry comes out and grabs the mic. He tells Chavo he’s lucky that he’s retired. He then mentions that his friend Rey Mysterio is ducking him. Hey, why would Rey need to duck anybody? He can just run right through their legs? Oh...he meant… never mind. Henry then states that if Rey got into the ring with him again, he’d split his head and I quote “to the white meat”. Man, that Mark Henry, always thinking of food!!! Oh, ya, Henry then attacks Chavo and gives him the world’s strongest slam. However, Rey is too busy building a pulley system backstage to hoist his giant belt into his bag and doesn’t make the save. I smell a foreshadowing of a huge TURN for Chavo. Ok, I just smell. But don’t tell anyone.


Backstage Segment


Ashley and Michelle McCool exchange some words… and not get naked. The exact opposite of what I’d like to see in this situation (or any situation). Anyway, Michelle “the new Stacy Keibler… only no one gives a shit” McCool then bad mouths Ashley for *winning* last week’s bikini contest. Ashley then decides to settle their score in the only manner someone who really despises another person can… by putting on a bikini and demeaning herself! However, Michelle refuses the challenge, stating that she’s not going to show off her A+ body (Get it?! SHE’S A TEACHER!) to this crowd. You know, her statement *might* have made a lot more sense if she wasn’t standing there half naked already.



And we’re off to another squash match.


Jobber vs. Vito:


No, he’s not wrestling his reflection here, har har.


Vito of course wrestles in a dress (they even show footage of him working out at a gym with the dress on) and JBL is disgusted at Vito’s apparent sexual ambiguity. There’s a joke here to be made, but it’s just too easy.


Anyway, Vito wins, hitting a jumping DDT, then applying a keylock for the submission. The joke here is that Vito’s skirt enveloped [RANDOM JOBBER’S] head, and he submitted as a result of being nestled amongst Vito’s junk. I seriously  ponder why this wasn’t on Velocity. Then I remember this brand only has about 13 active living wrestlers on it. I live with that answer.


What did I gain from this match? Joe’s not paying me enough for this.


Lashley vs. Booker T.:

This actually looks to be a good match. Booker actually dominates to start, choking Lashley on the ropes and laughing about it. Book even hits Sweet Chin Music, just with less Jesus-icity. Booker is focusing on the knee a lot too, thus explaining his domination of Lashley.


A surprise spear seems to turn the momentum. A quick eye-gouge keeps Booker in control, however. There’s a little bit of offense here and there by Lashley, but for the most part this match is all Booker. Then, Lashley hits a running powerslam out of nowhere. And …


Lashley gets the 3. Pretty surprising considering Book dominated. Not bad though, really. Both guys come out looking pretty good, which is better than the Rey/Helms match from earlier, despite some similarities.


And that’s it for this week’s Smackdown. Joe will be gone next week as well, and I’m going to try my damndest to do this recap justice. I certainly have a whole new level of respect for Joe, however, at this point. Not as easy as it looks.


My Impact Recap will be up, on schedule, so please check it out. It was a great show this week, leading up to their big PPV, Slammiversary. Drop by the forums or send me an e-mail as well, I always love hearing from people. Take care, and as always, I remain,



Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (06/30/06)


OH FUCK I hear you cry! Yes, it’s me! I’m back! Woo! Let the racism commence!


Hello there, recappees, tis I, back from my Spanish vacation (as you may have known via Remy’s continual envious rantings). What with this recent outing I have taken it upon myself to adopt the nickname of Espaņa Joe. See, not just you TNA fans who can have a talented fat guy to give himself a nationality before his name! Fuck you!


Well, now that I’ve alienated the majority of my fan base, what am I left with….ah yes. Idiots. Hey frodo! How’s your retarded cousin? See, I care about my followers. With that all being said, let us get on with the show!


Jesus, I go away for two weeks and the announce team is changed from a scrawny whining rape victim and a short angry man to….a scrawny whining rape victim and a tall angry man. I just can’t get used to CHANGE, damn it!


Oh well fuckily-dah, Mark Henry is here to start the show off. He cuts a promo (Before eating it…safety with knives, kids!) about how he should be champion because he’s beaten up Batista, Taker, Benoit, and Angle, who he claims ran from Smackdown so he could get away from Henry. Well, duh, if I was him I’d rather not risk being in a match who could shatter my already weak neck, Jesus. He then somehow moves onto the Guerreros. Oh fuck me, I know where this is going.


He calls Chavo a parasite, and this brings out Chavito himself (on the ramp), who stands his ground by telling Henry he will not come out of retirement to fight him. Yeah! That’s the way to defend your family honor! Eddie woulda been proud. Speaking of which, Mizark then claims that if Eddie were alive today, he would ‘spit on him’. That’s probably because Henry is so dumb he thought the name ‘Latino Heat’ actually meant Eddie was on fire. This causes Chavo to enter the ring, who gets annihilated. Not to worry though, as Rey is here to make the save! As he bursts into the ring, he courageously….gets annihilated. Oh. So, they’re using their champion to establish Henry as a threat to Batista, who isn’t the champion, and is also three times Rey’s size. I think Spock’s head just exploded.


Ah well, onto the first match:


Super Crazy vs. Gregory Helms: Cruiserweight Title Match


Very decent match but let down by being too short. Felt very anti-climactic, like masturbating in a cold bathroom. Or something. Yeah, I totally need a social life. Gotta say just how fucking speedy this match is with these two, there’s more backbreakers and headscissors than I can recap. Anyways, all that needs to be said here with regards to the ending is the match is interrupted by Pscicosis who kicks Crazy in the head. Oh great, that’s all the guy needs with a name that actually implies him to be mentally unstable. The ref calls for DQ, and Crazy manages to kick Psychosis out of the ring.


What did I gain from this match? - Well, so long cruiserweight title run, eh, Craze?


Backstage Booker and Sharmell are yet again whining to Teddy Long, this time about having to go into a steel cage with Lashley for the US title. He wanted the match cancelled but Long is having none of it, and tells him the decision is final. Booker says fine, then that means he’s going to be leaving with the US title tonight….so why were you complaining earlier, jackass?


Batista returns next week! Ah very good. Hey is he Philipino, or what? Maybe Greek. If so, he better not tell Vince or he’s entering the ring next week yelling ‘TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!’ with said apparel.


The Pitbulls (Kid Kash and Jamie Noble) vs….two…people.


Pah. I wouldn’t have minded this gimmick too much if they tried something a bit more original with it. Why not the Golden Retrievers? Every week they could steal a blonde Diva from the locker room or something. The feuds would be great, cos you’d have the Mexicools as the Chihuahuas, and bring back Heidenreich to be a German Shepherd! It’s GENIUS so SHUT UP.


Anyways, as far as the match goes, not bad, its not like they use a lot of real wrestling, just brawling, which is strange for Kash and Noble to say the least…but still very short, but I guess when you stick two unknowns in there you don’t exactly want to pay attention to them. Match ends when Kash holds up one man who gets clotheslined from the top rope by Noble for the pin. How very Legion of Doom. To be honest though, it was a little gay. Like a midget Elton John. Or something.


What did I gain from this match? – Is this gimmick the aftermath of Noble’s Ass-injection incident? Like, was Vince’s logic just ‘sometimes dogs have injections right? In their ass, yes? Ok, make Noble a dog’. See now if he said that about Lita they wouldn’t need to make much effort! Aha! I kill me. On the inside. What was I talking about.


Oh sweet mercified pants it’s a Diva Search vid. Could someone please email me if you actually find the shit that these girls do to actually be sexy? Because, you know, when I search for FREE porn I don’t type ‘Awkwardly sitting in a pie hot sex’ into my search engine. Anymore.


Finlay vs. Matt Hardy


Seems like Finlay just has a revolving door of opponents consisting of Hardy, Gunner and Burchill. Still, not too bad, I suppose, least it’s not Khali. Seriously, if you want to get that guy really over, just have everyone on Smackdown AND Raw, AND ECW to say ‘Hey, least it’s not Khali’ when something bad happens.


As far as this match goes, though, very good. Was a bit longer than the previous offerings but I suppose they’re just trying to make sure the Cage match gets lots of time. There was a spot that featured Finlay on the outside holding the apron up as Hardy goes for a baseball slide, who then slips between the apron and ring. At one point Finlay pretends he has something in his eye and tries to jump Matt, but was pre-empted and got a punch for his sneakiness. After that, Finlay is dragged under the ring by….Little Bastard? That’s his name? And I thought having the same name as the Elephant Man was a tough break. Anyway, Hardy looks for Finlay but gets a boot. Match ends though when Hardy comes into contact with an exposed turnbuckle and then finishes him off with a Samoan (Irish?) Drop.


What did I gain from this match? – Crying and writing Poetry < Drinking and fighting poets. Yes, witty I know.


Onto another match almost immediately now:




Alright, awesome. This was a good- KEN-EH-DAY. …a good match. Erm…Yeah, the finish comes when- KEN-EH-DAAAAY! Alright yeah, this is getting irritating now. Kennedy mainly brawls and over powers young Gunner, and at the start, mocks Gunner whilst doing his Announcer bit. Hey, we all beat you to making fun of his name, Ken. Anyway, Kennedy finishes Gunner with his new Kenton Bomb.


What did I gain from this match? – Word to the wise, Kennedy. Don’t try to emulate Jeff Hardy. No one wins. Especially you.


Post match Daivari is out with Khali. Oh well, at least it’s not…oh wait, it is. Oh dear. Well, anyway, Khali kills Gunner (You think I’m exaggerating? It’s freaking KHALI.) with a chokebomb, before putting him into a bodybag. What follows is Daivari challenging Taker to a ‘Punjabi Prison’ match with Khali. He doesn’t exactly explain what that IS but what the hey. JBL seemed excited at the word ‘prison’ that’s all I’m saying.


The Miz is out but I don’t care, so I’m gonna skip to the next match.


Vito vs. Simon Dean


 Ugh, why did I come back for this? Vito’s in a lime green dress and if you think that’s not sickening enough, his new submission maneuver is…sticking his opponent’s head up his dress. You know what though? It’s STILL better than the motherfucking STFU. Simon actually TAPS out to this, and there’s your match.


What did I gain from this match? – I take getting my head stuffed up a guy’s crotch over pretending to be hurt by a wigger ANY FREAKING DAY.


Backstage Regal is with Finlay, Sharmell and Booker, and they’re getting ready for the cage match. Um, it’s just Booker in the match, people. I’d love it if Finlay suggested that Booker defeat Lashley AND sent out a message to Batista by beating Lashley with the Batista Bomb, the latter word causing Regal to burst into a paranoid frenzy. But that’s me, and really, who do I entertain but myself? Apart from mum.


Steel Cage Match – King Booker vs. Lashley – US Title Match


Booker T-rivia: The hand gesture Booker makes is not only a reference to his 5 world titles, it is also a reference to his favourite method of payment, that being via a five-finger discount.


Well, apparently our world champ isn’t good enough for a main event, he’s just good to get beaten up by a ten year midcarder. Oh well, that’s still less offensive than sticking two black men in a cage, surely? All the ‘All Hail King Bookers’ in the world ain’t gonna cover up the BLATANT racist undertones here, Regal. Give it up.


Good cage match, the best of the Booker/Lashley encounters without a doubt. Starts off with an exchange of pushes into the corner, which really is one of the most pointless moves in wrestling history. “I’m gonna shove you somewhere where I CANNOT ATTACK YOU FURTHER. FEAR ME!” anyway, a few kicks to the gut of Lashley later, and Booker goes to the ropes, but is SHOCKED to find Lashley decides NOT to stay bent over, and slams him! What are the odds! Finlay demands that the door be opened but realizes that Lashley gets to it first, so slams it shut on him. HA. Oh those Irish. Always shutting doors on people’s heads. It’s why most of them are ginger, their hair has been dyed with blood over many generations. Heard it here first. After this Booker VERY nearly wins, with only one foot still in the ring, but Lashley gets a hold on him. After a drop toe hold on Lashley, Booker proceeds to climb, but Lashley grabs him again, and slams him down, before trying to climb himself. Finlay and Regal, however, stop him by climbing the outside of the cage and smacking the cage with a chair respectively. Booker is meanwhile climbing the other side, but Lashley catches him and they brawl for a bit, until Lashley knocks him off, makes it over the cage, manages to avoid Finlay, and gets the win! GREAT match.


What did I gain from this match? – Lashley continues his monster run by…running away from his opponent.


Lashley goes up the entrance ramp, beating his chest. Ok, making it too easy now, Bobby.


End show.


What pleased me? – The cage match was very good for a main event, thumbs up there.


What pissed me off? – Besides the champion being squashed again, no real problems this week. I liked it, in fact.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).