Holee-sheeeit. It’s the Remster here, filling in for Joe this week because I owed him one. But truthfully, the chance to recap a WWE show was too much to pass up. And just because I love TNA, don’t expect me to show a dramatic amount of favouritism. But a little bit is guaranteed, heh. I promise to give my unique perspective on this God awful and shitty product with ZERO bias. *wink wink*

Oh, and for those who missed it, the official return of DX can be found on WWE.com, during a fucking PRESS CONFERENCE. Wow, way to build an angle up to an appropriate and satisfactory conclusion, WWE. Just imagine if Frodo had thrown the ring into the lava somewhere in The Two Towers, but they kept on plugging away like Return of the King was something special.

But, on to the Smackdown Recap!

JBL is out to start the show. Claims he’s “Mr. Ratings” (I think our good friends at Nielsen might have a different opinion) as he takes his announcer spot at ringside. And we are off to our first match.

Rey Mysterio vs. Gregory Helms:

Lots of potential in this match … if it occurred at a TNA taping. Hehe, okay, I couldn’t resist. I promised Sean I’d be fair. My promises are worth jack shit, but in this case I’m cool with it because of … integrity? Okay, who sold their soul for THAT to happen? I know it wasn’t me, because I traded it to lose my virginity already.

Rey looks to be the underdog once again, even against Helms. It is nice to see a champ who can put almost anyone over, I’ll give Rey that much. Even if it is for all the wrong reasons. Eventually the “Eddie” chants begin, you know, to show support for Rey. Now, can’t say I’ve weighed in on this issue to date, but isn’t that like saying “McDonald’s is great so you should definitely go eat at Wendy’s!”? Vince MUST have a vagina with that kind of logic.

It’s odd that I should feel bad for both participants in a match. Rey sold like crazy for the most part, but Helms eventually lost to the 619 and a weak-looking dropping of the dime. So they both kinda look like shit at the end, even though they had a very good match. No crazy spots to report, but being candid, that’s never been WWE’s forte. The important stuff:

-Rey wins

-JBL mocks Rey on commentary

What did I gain from this match? Herpes. Of the SOUL. Okay, I know that’s way too harsh, I just wanted to make that joke.

Mexicools vs. Khali is set up for later.

Booker T is coming to the ring now. He’s got Biblical revisions to make, and at least ONE queen who deserves to have her head roll. Very long entrance here. If this were TNA, there would be at least two commercial breaks during Booker’s walk down the ramp.

Lashley comes down after Booker, but ends up getting jumped by Regal and Finlay, with Booker jumping in as well for the beat-down. Matt Hardy and Gunner Scott make the save.

Backstage Segment

After a commercial we go backstage to see Lashley getting his knee iced. He was hit by Finlay with his ALAYALAYEEEEHAYAHAYAYAAAAA. You know, his Muhammad Hassan sounding thing. Didn’t Joe make that joke already? Probably.

Ken Kennedy is out to the ring now, yay! And after saying his name, which constitutes a Kennedy promo, it’s …

Jobber vs. Kennedy:

Jobber? Isn’t that like a “worker?” Which is another word for Communist! Watch out buddy, no way you’re putting your nukes in Cuba with this guy around.

Kennedy wins with a neckbreaker, nothing special, although it is great to have Ken back.

What did I gain from this match? Good God Kevin Costner fucking blows.

Backstage Segment

Mexicools chat backstage. Not all is well in Mexicoland, however, and dissension may be present. Dissension vs Jesus (Hey Zeus) to take place at Vengeance.

Batista returns in 21 days. Now where is my fucking Christmas Calendar to count down to that? Just imagine that Batista chocolate on the final day. Ha, I bet it would look too much like Lashley if it was made of chocolate, and too much like Lesnar if it was white chocolate. Poor Batista. He’s the poor man’s … Batista.

Sylvan vignette is shown. He’s now apparently a travel rep for Quebec (seriously). I guess this means his lucrative modeling career is finished on Smackdown. Too bad, too, because they were *this* close to finishing that “Sylvan Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good.” (TM. Sean Carless).

Mexicools vs. Khali:

What did I gain from this match? PISS BREAK! That and JBL takes more airtime to rant on illegal aliens. If this was the Sci-Fi network he’d be chastised for saying that, and zombies would immediately take their place.. Ok, wrong aliens. Whatever.

Anyway, Khali wins by chokeslamming and pinning Super Crazy after Psicosis walks out on him. I win by relieving my bladder. And Vince wins by insider trading, or else he’d be one broke ass motherfucker.

They recap some bikini contest. But really, this recap is useless to you there. The only good thing that could have possibly come of this is the footage that went with it. Okay, okay, fine. GIRLS IN BIKINIS. (Sean, can you link this to some girls in bikinis? Heh) Happy now?

Gunner Scott and  Matt Hardy vs. Finlay and William Regal:

 We’ve got tag action, coming up. All four of these guys can wrestle a damn good match, no doubt about that, so here we go. And for a special treat, our boss, Sean Carless is going to cover this match!

I still can’t get used to this “Gunner” Scott business. I remember when I first heard that Stephanie had changed Brent Albright’s name, I went to a NEWZ site to see what it was and in typo was “Gunther” Scott. Sadly, my wishes of him debuting as a Swedish coffee house owner with an unrequited love for a Diva never came to fruition. And instead we just have “Gunner”. Oh well. It’s still better than Shiloh.

Hey wait! There’s match going on here! A very good, well-paced match, actually. And look, Finlay and Regal have put that whole centuries of hatred and class distinction thing aside in support of a common monarchy! You know, the original reason why Ireland was pissed off in the first place. But whatever. They both hit people real hard and that’s good enough for me.

Anyway, Matt Hardy is your emo in peril here as Finlay and Regal take turns double teaming him. At one point on the floor, Matt is low-blowed with the shillelagh by the Leprechaun under the ring. That may be the most absurd sentence I’ve ever written. Back inside, Matt gets the hot tag to Gunner, and the crowd EXPLODES!!!! And they do so without moving their mouths or showing any visible body language! 12,000 of the BEST ventriloquists in the New Jersey area have all come to this show in support of Gunner Scott! That, or they piped in the cheers. I refuse to believe they’d stoop to that though….

…With that said, Gunner goes to work, and comes flying off the top with a missile dropkick. It doesn’t bother Finlay though because shit exploding around him is old hat by now I’m sure. Gunner then hits a German suplex on Finlay. In the ensuing CHAOS, Regal & Hardy fight on the floor, and Finlay strikes Gunner with the shillelagh to get the win.

After the match, Finlay dispatches the leprechaun who attacks everyone from Hardy to Regal to Scott. Finlay then picks up the little guy and slams him on top of Gunner. Hey, apparently in real life, midgets hate it when you randomly scoop them up and throw them violently into people. Live and learn, I guess.

Backstage

Teddy tells Booker his match is still on. Booker is irate.

Segment

Michael Cole is in the ring and calls out Chavo Guerrero. They discuss whether or not Chavo will come out of retirement, showing the results of a WWE.com poll that was about 80% in favour. Gotta love those other assholes that made up the 20%. Before Chavo can give an answer one way or another, Mark Henry comes out and grabs the mic. He tells Chavo he’s lucky that he’s retired. He then mentions that his friend Rey Mysterio is ducking him. Hey, why would Rey need to duck anybody? He can just run right through their legs? Oh...he meant… never mind. Henry then states that if Rey got into the ring with him again, he’d split his head and I quote “to the white meat”. Man, that Mark Henry, always thinking of food!!! Oh, ya, Henry then attacks Chavo and gives him the world’s strongest slam. However, Rey is too busy building a pulley system backstage to hoist his giant belt into his bag and doesn’t make the save. I smell a foreshadowing of a huge TURN for Chavo. Ok, I just smell. But don’t tell anyone.

Backstage Segment

Ashley and Michelle McCool exchange some words… and not get naked. The exact opposite of what I’d like to see in this situation (or any situation). Anyway, Michelle “the new Stacy Keibler… only no one gives a shit” McCool then bad mouths Ashley for *winning* last week’s bikini contest. Ashley then decides to settle their score in the only manner someone who really despises another person can… by putting on a bikini and demeaning herself! However, Michelle refuses the challenge, stating that she’s not going to show off her A+ body (Get it?! SHE’S A TEACHER!) to this crowd. You know, her statement *might* have made a lot more sense if she wasn’t standing there half naked already.

And we’re off to another squash match.

Jobber vs. Vito:

No, he’s not wrestling his reflection here, har har.

Vito of course wrestles in a dress (they even show footage of him working out at a gym with the dress on) and JBL is disgusted at Vito’s apparent sexual ambiguity. There’s a joke here to be made, but it’s just too easy.

Anyway, Vito wins, hitting a jumping DDT, then applying a keylock for the submission. The joke here is that Vito’s skirt enveloped [RANDOM JOBBER’S] head, and he submitted as a result of being nestled amongst Vito’s junk. I seriously  ponder why this wasn’t on Velocity. Then I remember this brand only has about 13 active living wrestlers on it. I live with that answer.

What did I gain from this match? Joe’s not paying me enough for this.

Lashley vs. Booker T.:

This actually looks to be a good match. Booker actually dominates to start, choking Lashley on the ropes and laughing about it. Book even hits Sweet Chin Music, just with less Jesus-icity. Booker is focusing on the knee a lot too, thus explaining his domination of Lashley.

A surprise spear seems to turn the momentum. A quick eye-gouge keeps Booker in control, however. There’s a little bit of offense here and there by Lashley, but for the most part this match is all Booker. Then, Lashley hits a running powerslam out of nowhere. And …

Lashley gets the 3. Pretty surprising considering Book dominated. Not bad though, really. Both guys come out looking pretty good, which is better than the Rey/Helms match from earlier, despite some similarities.

And that’s it for this week’s Smackdown. Joe will be gone next week as well, and I’m going to try my damndest to do this recap justice. I certainly have a whole new level of respect for Joe, however, at this point. Not as easy as it looks.

My Impact Recap will be up, on schedule, so please check it out. It was a great show this week, leading up to their big PPV, Slammiversary. Drop by the forums or send me an e-mail as well, I always love hearing from people. Take care, and as always, I remain,