We kick off the show with the VIP Lounge and some funky red, white, and blue ring ropes. MVP is in the ring and showers praises on Triple H before bringing the guy out. As if the earlier bit wasn't enough, P starts to go on and on about Trips. HHH even gets in on the fun by praising MVP. Triple H singing the praises of a promising mid-carder? Only on the 4th of July, people. Oh wait, it's all just a set up for the good old Power Ranger jokes. This actually kicks off some long conversation about the new Olym pic swim wear. Because Olympic swimming is something that EVERYBODY cares about. Triple H tries to call for some footage, but MVP stalls him and calls for the footage himself. Hey, it's a recap of RAW, sans everything that wasn't related to CM Punk. If you listen closely during the bout with Edge, you can hear Elijah Burke crying! MVP and Triple H score some incredibly easy Punk-related jokes on Edge until Vickie interrupts. Excuse you indeed! Trips nails the even easier joke about marrying someone to get t o the top, even going back to the whole drive-thru chapel deal. I can just see La Familia packing into a mini-van to witness the nuptials. Trips makes fun of Vickie for a bit and Montel tries to get in on the fun, but Vickie is quick to shut him up. Then she tells Trips he'll face Edge at The Great American Bash.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I got a hamburger. NO COMMERCIAL THOUGHT FOR YOU!
Here comes Natalya with a new hair color too ugly to describe. She says it's homage to her dad. Couldn't she just grow a goatee instead? Thankfully, she's just doing commentary.
Michelle McCool vs. Victoria vs. Cherry vs. Maryse vs. Kelly Kelly for Chance to Face Natalya For Newly Created Divas Title
A shot of said title belt and HOLY SHIT IT'S PINK AND BLUE AND COVERED IN BUTTERFLIES! Golden prop has a whole new meaning now.
Basically, this is the same as the first Golden Dreams match, only now the star is blue. Match starts with each lady trying to grab the star, but getting pushed off. That's basically all the offense, with the exception of Victoria hitting a nice flipping leg-drop on Cherry. Obviously, Michelle wins.
WINNER: Michelle McCool.
Vickie is backstage with the wedding planner, which can only mean...the Edgeheads are interrupting? Vickie chews them out for leaving Edge alone Monday night. Hey, I'd be pissed too. How hard is it to escort JR from an arena? Heck, JBL's security chumps threw out John Cena in about a minute or two and they don't even have names! As punishment, Vickie declares they'll fight Jesse & Festus next.
Edge arrives backstage and stares at some chick who sorta looks like Lita.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Still waiting for Guitar Hero: The Beatles.
Hey, it's a video package for Vladimir Kozlov, the man bringing communism back in style! I've already arranged all my scythes and hammers appropriately.
Edgeheads vs. Jesse & Festus...Dressed as Uncle Sam?
That's right, folks. After all, who better to celebrate our the birth of our nation than a fat, near bald man who goes berserk anytime a bell goes off? Must be hard to go to church with the guy.
COMMERCIAL THOUGH: Bowflex ads during wrestling? Ak-ward.
Edge vents to Vickie about losing his title. Vickie quickly responds that she never even gave Edge permission to go to RAW. Edge blows up at Vickie and Vickie blows up at Edge. It's like a soap opera. Worst Days of Our Lives? As Our Eyes Burn? Jeff Hardy debuts next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Too busy setting off fireworks to care.
Jeff Hardy W/ Lame New Entrance Music vs. John Morrison W/ WAY More Awesome Entrance Music
Morrison takes control after a quick lock-up, but Hardy battles back with a shoulder block. Morrison slaps on an armbar, but Hardy tosses Morrison from the ring and leaps onto him from the apron. He rolls Morrison back in the ring and hits the 10 corner punches. Morrison tries to roll-up Hardy, but gets 2 and starts to control from there. Hardy dodges the leaping 2nd rope kick, but as he goes for that nutty corner kick, Morrison throws him from the ring. Commercials!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: The mere thought of cross-country tug-of-war is awesome.
Morrison is now working over the arm again. Hardy tries to roll him up, but gets 2. Morrison returns to working on the arm. Hardy breaks free, but Morrison shoves him into the ring post. Hardy counters a Morrison hurricarana attempt into a mid-air powerbomb. Hardy hits clotheslines, a legsweep, and a Whisper in the Wind in short order for 2. Hardy goes to the top in preparation for a Swanton, but Morrison nails a Pele kick 2. Hardy counters a Moonlight Drive attempt into a facebuster and hits the Swan ton for the win.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: So, is there just one tree on the hill?
Umaga vs. Funaki
Clothesline, corner tosses, superkick, Wrecking Ball, Samoan Spike, win.
Edge whines to the Edgeheads until some random woman comes up and tells him Vickie wants him in her office. Edge tells Vickie she's worthless and he's the real GM. Vickie whines about the injuries she's gotten defending him, including (and keep this in mind) "being confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my life". She finally tells Edge to get out to-cheers? RUN! IT'S A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE! Edge tries to get back in, but Vickie locked the door.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Apparently, sauceless wings will get girls to date you. Who knew?
Mr. Kennedy vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Chavo Guerrero W/ Bam Neely vs. United States Champion Matt Hardy "Fatal 4th of July Way" for the United States Championship
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I don't care if it's 49 cents, it still looks like shit.
Kennedy is dominating Chavo and Shelton. He tries to knock Hardy from the top rope, but Shelton comes in and all three perform the superplex/powerbomp combo that Kevin Thorn, Stevie Richards, and Elijah Burke perfected last year. Benji hits a quick T-Bone on Chavo, but Bam put's Chavo's foot on the ropes. While Benjamin scares off Bam, Chavo hits 2 Amigos on Hardy until Hardy decides it would be fun to knock Shelton off the apron. Chavo hits a frog splash following a suplex, but Kennedy breaks up the pin at 2. Chavo tosses Kennedy and gets a Twist of Fate for his efforts, but Benjamin and Kennedy break up the pin at 2. Kennedy gets tossed onto Bam Neely (who has been hit with two flying people this week) and Hardy hits the Twist of Fate on Shelton, who lands on Chavo. Hardy pins Chavo for the win.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: What self-respecting guy would use ladies hair dye anyway?
Another replay of Edge's Monday night woes. It's almost as if WWE is telling everyone in ECW "You know, this could've been you had we not made you job to CM Punk so much".
What better way to celebrate the 4th of July than obvious finishes, screaming hissy fits, and Canadians beating up representations of our country?
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).