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SmackDown Rant Archive (July 2008)

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Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (07/04/08) 

Hey hey hey, Shane Steele here with the Lowdown on Smackdown! It's the Fourth of July! So don't be surprised if we witness the an epic battle between a George Washington impersonator and Vladimir Kozlov, or Jillian Hall singing the Start Spangled Banner, or the return of The Patriot, or something like that.

We kick off the show with the VIP Lounge and some funky red, white, and blue ring ropes. MVP is in the ring and showers praises on Triple H before bringing the guy out. As if the earlier bit wasn't enough, P starts to go on and on about Trips. HHH even gets in on the fun by praising MVP. Triple H singing the praises of a promising mid-carder? Only on the 4th of July, people. Oh wait, it's all just a set up for the good old Power Ranger jokes. This actually kicks off some long conversation about the new Olym pic swim wear. Because Olympic swimming is something that EVERYBODY cares about. Triple H tries to call for some footage, but MVP stalls him and calls for the footage himself. Hey, it's a recap of RAW, sans everything that wasn't related to CM Punk. If you listen closely during the bout with Edge, you can hear Elijah Burke crying! MVP and Triple H score some incredibly easy Punk-related jokes on Edge until Vickie interrupts. Excuse you indeed! Trips nails the even easier joke about marrying someone to get t o the top, even going back to the whole drive-thru chapel deal. I can just see La Familia packing into a mini-van to witness the nuptials. Trips makes fun of Vickie for a bit and Montel tries to get in on the fun, but Vickie is quick to shut him up. Then she tells Trips he'll face Edge at The Great American Bash.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I got a hamburger. NO COMMERCIAL THOUGHT FOR YOU!

Here comes Natalya with a new hair color too ugly to describe. She says it's homage to her dad. Couldn't she just grow a goatee instead? Thankfully, she's just doing commentary.

Michelle McCool vs. Victoria vs. Cherry vs. Maryse vs. Kelly Kelly for Chance to Face Natalya For Newly Created Divas Title
A shot of said title belt and HOLY SHIT IT'S PINK AND BLUE AND COVERED IN BUTTERFLIES! Golden prop has a whole new meaning now.
Basically, this is the same as the first Golden Dreams match, only now the star is blue. Match starts with each lady trying to grab the star, but getting pushed off. That's basically all the offense, with the exception of Victoria hitting a nice flipping leg-drop on Cherry. Obviously, Michelle wins.
WINNER: Michelle McCool.

Vickie is backstage with the wedding planner, which can only mean...the Edgeheads are interrupting? Vickie chews them out for leaving Edge alone Monday night. Hey, I'd be pissed too. How hard is it to escort JR from an arena? Heck, JBL's security chumps threw out John Cena in about a minute or two and they don't even have names! As punishment, Vickie declares they'll fight Jesse & Festus next.
Edge arrives backstage and stares at some chick who sorta looks like Lita.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Still waiting for Guitar Hero: The Beatles.

Hey, it's a video package for Vladimir Kozlov, the man bringing communism back in style! I've already arranged all my scythes and hammers appropriately.

Edgeheads vs. Jesse & Festus...Dressed as Uncle Sam?
That's right, folks. After all, who better to celebrate our the birth of our nation than a fat, near bald man who goes berserk anytime a bell goes off? Must be hard to go to church with the guy.
 
The Edgeheads try to double team Uncle Festus early on, but Festus crushes them and tags in Jesse. Jesse jumps around for a bit until Hawkins knocks Jesse from the apron. The Edgeheads control from there until Jesse breaks free and tags to Festus, who proceeds to demolish Ryder for the win.
 
WINNERS: Jesse & Festus.
 
Here comes Edge, and boy, does he look pissed. The Edgeheads double-team Jesse while Edge spears the now "duh" looking Festus. As the Edgeheads force Jesse to watch, Edge whips Festus with his belt (totally not ripping of Beer Money Inc. here!) and smacks him with a chair.

COMMERCIAL THOUGH: Bowflex ads during wrestling? Ak-ward.

Edge vents to Vickie about losing his title. Vickie quickly responds that she never even gave Edge permission to go to RAW. Edge blows up at Vickie and Vickie blows up at Edge. It's like a soap opera. Worst Days of Our Lives? As Our Eyes Burn? Jeff Hardy debuts next.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Too busy setting off fireworks to care.

Jeff Hardy W/ Lame New Entrance Music vs. John Morrison W/ WAY More Awesome Entrance Music
Morrison takes control after a quick lock-up, but Hardy battles back with a shoulder block. Morrison slaps on an armbar, but Hardy tosses Morrison from the ring and leaps onto him from the apron. He rolls Morrison back in the ring and hits the 10 corner punches. Morrison tries to roll-up Hardy, but gets 2 and starts to control from there. Hardy dodges the leaping 2nd rope kick, but as he goes for that nutty corner kick, Morrison throws him from the ring. Commercials!

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: The mere thought of cross-country tug-of-war is awesome.

 Morrison is now working over the arm again. Hardy tries to roll him up, but gets 2. Morrison returns to working on the arm. Hardy breaks free, but Morrison shoves him into the ring post. Hardy counters a Morrison hurricarana attempt into a mid-air powerbomb. Hardy hits clotheslines, a legsweep, and a Whisper in the Wind in short order for 2. Hardy goes to the top in preparation for a Swanton, but Morrison nails a Pele kick 2. Hardy counters a Moonlight Drive attempt into a facebuster and hits the Swan ton for the win.
 
WINNER: Jeff Hardy, the Charismatic Enigma. Originally, they were going to give that nickname to Matt, but backed out when the realized it could be interpreted as finding Matt's charisma was a mystery.
 
Jeff starts to take his clothes off and give them to fans. That'll get you arrested in most places. The world of pro wrestling is not one of them.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: So, is there just one tree on the hill?

Umaga vs. Funaki
Clothesline, corner tosses, superkick, Wrecking Ball, Samoan Spike, win.
 
WINNER: Umaga. Or as Regal would say, You-Manga.

Edge whines to the Edgeheads  until some random woman comes up and tells him Vickie wants him in her office.  Edge tells Vickie she's worthless and he's the real GM. Vickie whines about the injuries she's gotten defending him, including (and keep this in mind) "being confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my life". She finally tells Edge to get out to-cheers? RUN! IT'S A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE! Edge tries to get back in, but Vickie locked the door.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Apparently, sauceless wings will get girls to date you. Who knew?

Mr. Kennedy vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Chavo Guerrero W/ Bam Neely vs. United States Champion Matt Hardy "Fatal 4th of July Way" for the United States Championship
 
Hardy starts off with Guerrero and Kennedy starts off with Shelton. Chavo and Benji are quickly disposed of, leaving Kennedy and Hardy to duke it out. Kennedy wails on Hardy until Chavo interferes. Kennedy starts to beat on them both when Shelton runs in and superkicks him. Chavo attacks Benjamin with a hurricarana. All men go for roll-ups on each other for 2. Hardy hits a side effect on Chavo while Kennedy hits a standing Green Bay Plunge on Shelton. Commercials!

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I don't care if it's 49 cents, it still looks like shit.

Kennedy is dominating Chavo and Shelton. He tries to knock Hardy from the top rope, but Shelton comes in and all three perform the superplex/powerbomp combo that Kevin Thorn, Stevie Richards, and Elijah Burke perfected last year. Benji hits a quick T-Bone on Chavo, but Bam put's Chavo's foot on the ropes. While Benjamin scares off Bam, Chavo hits 2 Amigos on Hardy until Hardy decides it would be fun to knock Shelton off the apron. Chavo hits a frog splash following a suplex, but Kennedy breaks up the pin at 2. Chavo tosses Kennedy and gets a Twist of Fate for his efforts, but Benjamin and Kennedy break up the pin at 2. Kennedy gets tossed onto Bam Neely (who has been hit with two flying people this week) and Hardy hits the Twist of Fate on Shelton, who lands on Chavo. Hardy pins Chavo for the win.
 
WINNER: Matt Hardy. Ugh. Hate. Hardy. So. MUCH!

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: What self-respecting guy would use ladies hair dye anyway?

Another replay of Edge's Monday night woes. It's almost as if WWE is telling everyone in ECW "You know, this could've been you had we not made you job to CM Punk so much".
 
Edge comes out to a chorus of boos. He says he was the victim Monday night and the whole deal wasn't fair. Oh, and he'll beat Triple H at the Bash. Edge goes on that nobody has supported him, but it's all right because he'll battle back. He threatens to reveal some dirty secrets about Vickie (Dear Lord!), but Vickie interrupts...WALKING ON TWO LEGS! Ha! So much for the whole "confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my life" deal. Vickie screams at Edge, prompting him to walk menacingly towards her. Please spear her! Instead, Edge just tells her the wedding is off. Vickie proceeds to throw the biggest bitch fit in history, the highlight being her throwing her engagement ring off. Hope some lucky fan caught it. What a souvenir!

What better way to celebrate the 4th of July than obvious finishes, screaming hissy fits, and Canadians beating up representations of our country?

SEND FEEDBACK TO SHANE STEELE

 
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (07/11/08) 

Welcome to The Lowdown on Smackdown! I'm your host (for now....), Shane Steele.

The show kicks off with Edge in the ring. He says he's broken up with Vickie and dammit, it's staying that way! Yay! The crowd cheers wildly! Apparently, Edge used to love Vickie, but when she started giving him orders, well, he just couldn't take it anymore! He says Vickie isn't good enough for him and that he'll prove everyone who doubts him wrong at the Bash. "Excuse me!". It's Vickie Guerrero. Seriously, who's wheeling her out these days? I haven't seen hide nor hair of Bam or the Edgeheads. She proceed s to make a No DQ match (the Hardcore match's gay brother) pitting Edge against Big Show. And then she turns Edge's mic off.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Nah. I'm gonna kick your butt. Nerd.

Maria is coming to Smackdown. RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

Matt Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin in Match of Non-Titleness

Matt attacks after the lock-up with a headlock. Shelton battles out until he gets hit with the elbows of DOOM.  However, he gets back on the offensive after a drop toehold that sends Hardy into the turnbuckle. He slaps on a submission, but Hardy battles back, until he gets tossed into the corner and hit with a splash. Benji goes for a second splash, but Hardy gets out of the way. Instead, Shelton lands on the turnbuckle and leaps, only to get hit in the gut for his effort. Hardy hits the corne r bulldog and the top rope elbow, but Shelton reverses a Twist of Fate attempt into a T-Bone Suplex for two. Shelton goes upstairs, but gets hit in the gut coming down. Another Twist of Fate attempt, only this time, Shelton grabs the ropes to avoid. He then slams Hardy's head into the mat (Matt to the mat?) for the win.
 
WINNER:  Shelton Benjamin. Hope this leads to a good title 'bout somewhere in the future.

Backstage, the Edgeheads cry to Vickie about how Edge treated them after, and I quote, "taking us from nothing and bringing us to main-event level". Uh, guys? You lost almost every freakin' match you were in! They ask for a rematch against Jesse & Festus and get it. Then they see Vickie deserves someone better than Edge, which brings her to tears. Aw. Then the Edgeheads start to cry and everyone starts eating ice cream out of the tub. Or not.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: The King's son is freakin' creepy.

Hey, MVP is here to do commentary! Hard to believe this guy wanted in to the main event scene a few weeks ago.
 
Mr. Kennedy W/ Kennedy vs. Domino W/O Deuce, Cherry, Car, and in a few seconds, Shirt
 
Speak of the devil and the devil will take his shirt off. I swear, without that thing, he looks like Mini-Khali. And only in WWE can your tag team partner betray and you're still the bad guy.
 
Domino hits a hiptoss and Kennedy applauds him. "Good for you, Domino! You can execute basic maneuvers!". Kennedy proceeds to hit a drop toehold, clothesline, and corner bash. Domino goes out of the ring, but Kennedy follows and clubs him in the back. He rolls Domino back in, but Domino rises and stops him. He hits a scoop slam for 2. Kennedy battles out of a headlock and nails an impressive spin kick. A clothesline, corner bash, and Mic Check follow in short order.
 
WINNER: Mr. Kennedy...Kennedy.
 
UMAGA ATTACKS FROM BEHIND! Kennedy left lying! MVP left smiling! Umaga left screaming and behaving maniacally!
 
So, is MVP a face or not? One week, he's laughing and joking with Triple H, the next he's laughing at Kennedy getting crushed. Make up your mind!

Backstage, Edge, Chavo, and THE AWESOME BAM NEELY, talk. Well, Chavo and Edge do. Bam just uses this time to show off his awesome facial expressions. Kid shoulda gone to Hollywood. Or Broadway. Or anywhere that doesn't feature Chavo. Chavo says Edge was right to dump Vickie and that he'll straighten things out for him. Edge thanks him and Chavo says the two of them are like brothers? So what's Bam, chopped liver?

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Musical chairs is way more fun than dinner at Chilis.

Vickie is trying to vent to a friend, but Chavo and Bam interrupt. Surprise! Instead of "straightening things out", Chavo tries to kiss up to Vickie because "Guerreros need to stick together". I seem to remember Eddie kicking your ass on a number of occasions. Bigger surprise! Vickie tells Chavo to cut the crap and that he'll face Triple H. Ouch! Maybe you should try hanging out with Hector.

John Morrison and The Miz vs. Finlay and Hornswoggle in another Non-Title Match
 
Finlay dominates both tag champs with a barrage of clotheslines. He tags in Hornswoggle, who proceeds to hit Stunners on both Miz and Morrison, but the two bounce back with a double dropkick. For a bit, both men work over Horny with the usual "don't hurt him, he's a midget!" offense, but out of nowhere, Morrison gets hit with an enziguri.  Finlay tags in with a HOUSE OF FI-YAH!, hitting clotheslines, top rope dropkicks (Flying Irish?), and a Celtic Cross on Morrison before Miz breaks up the pi n. Miz tags in and gets blasted with the shillelagh while the ref checks on Morrison. Tag to Hornswoggle, tadpole splash, done.
 
WINNERS: Finlay and Hornswoggle.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Thankfully, I don't have a yucky bathroom.

Promo of Jeff Hardy at a photoshoot where he tries to steal the WWE Championship a la Mission: Impossible. Guess it's the only way he could get his hands on the belt. Damn promo doesn't even explode in 5 seconds.

Triple H vs. Chavo Guerrero W/ Bam Neely
 
Right off the bat, Trips and Bam stare down. TRIPLE H VS. BAM NEELY @ WRESTLEMANIA 25! MAKE IT HAPPEN!
HHH and Chavo trade armbars for a bit until Trips slams his elbow into Chavo's head.  From there, he proceeds to destroy Chavo until he gets trapped in a corner by Chavo. After blocking a corner charge, Trips gets tripped coming out by Bam Neely. Chavo hits a suplex and applies an abdominal stretch. HHH battles out, and hits his usual spots, including the shades of Arn Anderson spinebuster. He knocks Bam off the apron and hits the Pedigree for the win.
 
WINNER: Triple H. As if Chavo stood a chance.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Clemson fans in a commercial? FINALLY, some recognition.

We find out that Natalya and Michelle McCool will do battle for the Butterfly Belt at The Great American Bash. I felt bad about not blinding people by the eysore that is the Divas belt, so here it is, in all its hideous glory.

And if that didn't work (making me look like a complete moron in the process), here's a link to the thing. WARNING: May cause eyeballs to fall out of your head.
http://photobucket.com/image/divas%20championship/carylann1/untitled.jpg?o=1

Natalya and Maryse W/O Last Names vs. Michelle McCool and Cherry
 
Michelle does what she knows and proceeds to obliterate Maryse right off the bat. After she gets bored, she tags in Cherry, who also beats on Maryse. Finally, Maryse runs away and tags to Natalya, who gains control by throwing Cherry into the ropes. She works over the leg a bit before applying the Sharpshooter. Cherry taps immeadiately.
 
WINNERS: Natalya and Maryse
 
Natalya attacks Michelle and suplexes her outside of the ring. Then she stares menacingly at the belt. Probably to keep her face from melting at the sight of it.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Bathroom break.

Jesse & Festus vs. Hawkins & Ryder
 
Why Jesse starts off every match, I will never know. You've got a huge, freakin' insane monster right there. Let him loose and win already!
 
Which is just what Jesse does after a bit of nothing from all three men who aren't Festus. Festus destroys until he misses a spash. The Edgeheads roll out of the ring and get counted out.
 
WINNERS BY COUNTOUT: Jesse & Festus
 
But wait! The Edgeheads had an evil scheme! Now that the bell has been rung, Festus is all "Duh", so they go in, toss Jesse out, and start to wail on Festus. The plan backfires when Jesse rings the bell and Festus annihilates both men. Didn't really think that one through, did you?

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: The killers in "Pineapple Exrpess" look completely inept.

Stevie Richards vs. Vladimir Kozlov W/ Cool New Industrial Russian Entrance Music
 
'Bout time Kozlov got some music. Big Vlad controls dominates early on, but Stevie battles back with some kicks. Kozlov battles back and continues to destroy, but again, Stevie starts kicking and  hits an enziguri for 1. Yes, 1. Match ends when Kozlov dodges a corner charge and headbutts Stevie in the back of the head.
 
WINNER: Vladimir Kozlov. What will his finisher be next week?

La Familia bickers backstage until Edge just blurts out if everyone will help him tonight. Vickie wheels herself in and says anyone who helps Edge will be fired and if Edge tries to duck out of the match, he'll be fired.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: If I ever have kids, I hope they never tell me I have gray hair.

Big Show vs. Edge in Match of No Disqualifications
 
The Edgeheads wheel Vickie out so she can witness the fun. Big Show manhandles Edge and pulls him out of the ring. He tries to put Edge through the announce table, but Edge escapes and hits a spear. COMMERCIALS!

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Is almost every show on the CW about spoiled, rich young people?

Edge is trying to flee, but Show catches him and tosses him into the steel steps. He hits the big "Shhhh!" chop and tosses Edge into the crowd. Edge bounces back and hits a really shitty bulldog from the top of the barrier. Edge whacks Show in the head. Back in the ring now, Edge tries to choke out Show, but he counters that into a side slam after a bit. Show hits a corner charge and running shoulder and prepares for a chokeslam, but Edge counters into a DDT for 2.  Edge goes and grabs to chairs, but S how punches on into Edge's face as he tries to use it. He goes for another chokeslam, but Edge lowblows him and nails him in the back with the chair. Edge sets up a one-man conchairto, but Show rises and chokeslams him. Show goes for his own conchairto, but Vickie runs in and orders the ref to stop the match. OMG SWERVE
 
WINNER: Nobody. Seriously. Show walks of to the back. Edge and Vickie mouth words to each other and make out. I puke. Nobody wins.

Well, that caps off another edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown. Until next week, I'm Shane Steele (unless I legally get my name changed to something cooler).

SEND FEEDBACK TO SHANE STEELE
 
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (07/18/08) 

Once again, I'm Shane Steele and this is...something completely different! Just kidding. It's still the Smackdown Review.
 
Tonight, we present the nuptials of Vickie Guerrero and Edge which happened...earlier today? What? I was promised a wedding, damnit! Instead, tonight will be a special "wedding reception". Yawn. Wake me when someone crashes it.
 
The Edgeheads, Bam Neely, and that wedding planner who's name I can never remember are all sitting at a table conveniently placed near the ramp. Best Man Chavo comes to the table to his ring music. Since when does the best man get entrance music? Edge and Vickie are next with a generic wedding song. Chavo begins to give a little speech, but I'm not really listening. I can't take my eyes off one of the Edgeheads, who can really learn a thing or two from Bam Neely about stealing a scene. They just stand in the background and look nervous. Bam could've done at least a dozen facial expressions in that time. After Chavo is done, Vickie and Edge tell each other how much they love each other. Ick. Apparently, La Familia will just sit there while Smackdown proceeds.
 
Finlay and Hornswoggle vs. The Edgeheads W/ Special Guest Referee Edge
 
That's right folks! Edge, sick of the blatant cheating Finlay and Hornswoggle do, has decided to insert himself into this match. Edge and the 'Heads come down to wrestle in their wedding clothes. These guys need to go vest shopping with Chris Jericho. Edge tosses the shillelagh halfway across the arena before the match starts.
Edge keeps pulling Finlay off Hawkins at every point. Ryder gets in and hits a neckbreaker, followed by the usual Edgehead offense of kicks and punches. Finlay counters a corner charge and throws Horny into a 'Heads head. You know, the down-low head. Double butt drop follows. Edge threatens Hornswoggle, but he escapes. Finlay tries to give Edge the Celtic Cross, but one of the Edgheads clips his leg. Spear by Edge, win for the 'Heads.
 
WINNERS: The Edgeheads? Wow. Thought I'd never see the day.
 
Edge and Vickie share their first dance together. Two faceless dorks sing some lame love song. Big Show comes in and hilariously starts to dance with Vickie. Wonder how many times the big guy stepped on her feet. Edge cuts the music and sends Show to the ring to face his mystery opponents.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Is Mirrors another one of those crappy Japanese horror films they bring to America on a monthly basis?
 
Big Show vs. Shelton Benjamin, MVP, Vladimir Kozlov, and The Great Khali (4-on-1 Handicap Match)
Basically, it's Show vs. every foreign heel and black man on Smackdown. And I thought Michael Hayes was getting counseling.
 
Shelton starts off and he gets tossed back to his corner. Apparently Shelton will face Matt Hardy for the US title at the Bash. MVP tags in and quickly tags to Kozlov. Vlad goes for a takedown, but he gets tossed to the corner. Khali tags in and starts a shoving contests. Show clotheslines him and all the heels attack and get beat up, drawing a DQ.
 
WINNER BY DQ: Big Show
 
Well, not really. In an awesome spot, Khali brain chops him, Shelton kicks him in the back of the head, MVP delivers the Mafia kick in the corner, and Kozlov nails him in the chest with a headbutt, knocking Show to the ground. Khali nails a chokebomb to cap off the beatdown.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I'm gonna touch one.
 
Vickie is in the ring getting booed. La Familia just claps. Very supportive. Finally, she spurts out that she's going to throw the bouquet to the Divas. Right off the bat, Michelle attacks Natalya and her hideous hair color. I swear, it looks like Jeff Hardy set her head on hire and used it to light his meth. Vickie has the Edgeheads carry Michelle off. She throws the flowers and EVERY SINGLE DIVA FUMBLES IT before Cherry picks it up off the ground. Vickie says she thought Cherry was never going to get married, but she does win a match against her. I don't know which would offend me more, the "never gonna get married" line or wrestling Vickie. But first, Cherry gets to wrestle Natalya!
 
Natalya vs. Cherry
They actually do this match in dresses. Wouldn't it be funny if everyone wrestled in street clothes tonight?
Sharpshooter. IT'S OVER!
 
WINNER: Natalya
 
Vickie Guerrero vs. Cherry
 
Vickie, in her wedding gown, pins Cherry. IT'S OVER!
 
WINNER: Vickie.
 
Wow. Aside from the heel beatdown on Big Show, this is on pace to be the worst Smackdown ever.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: The Rocker. Not to be confused with Shawn Michaels or Marty Janetty.
 
Jimmy Wang Yang W/O Suspension vs. Brian Kendrick W/ Imposing Black Man They Announce As Ezekiel
 
Kendrick comes out rocking this awesome jacket that's half jewel studded, half leopard print. It's awesome. Yang hits a takedown from a Kendrick armbar, but Kendrick escapes and applies the armbar again. Yang escapes and hits a drop toehold, hurricarana, and clothesline that takes him out of the ring in short order. Kendrick dodges a Yang crossbody. Yang stares down Zeke (mind if I call you Zeke?) for a bit, allowing Kendrick to clobber him. Rolling him back in, Kendrick proceeds to work the arm for a LONG time. Finally, Yang escapes and gets a backslide for 2. He hits a missile dropkick right into Kendrick's head for 2. JR continues to put over Zeke as some mysterious and opposing force despite him just kinda just staring this whole match. Crazy spinning kick gets 2. Zeke and those damn staring eyes distract Yang long enough for Kendrick to hit Sliced Bread #2 for the win.
 
WINNER: Brian Kendrick.
 
Backstage, some Slim Jim guy gives Edge a big box of Slim Jims. Was there a point to that?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Amscot offers Tootsie rolls? AWESOME!
 
Mr. Kennedy W/ Kennedy vs. UMAGA!
 
I can describe this match in the following words: Kennedy punches. Umaga shrugs him off. Nerve hold. And HOLY SHIT, CHARLES ROBINSON, DESPITE NEARLY BEING KILLED BY THE GREAT KHALI, IS CALLING THIS MATCH! Way to go Little Naitch! Other than that brief period of going nuts for Charles the previous words were pretty much the whole match until the end, where Umaga blocks a Mic Check and hits a Samoan Spike.
 
WINNER: Umaga.
 
Hey, the Slim Jims did have a point! Apparently, Edge stars in a Slim Jim commercial, where he uses his Spicy Side to get to the front of the DMV line. Dude, you're freakin' Edge. Remind those saps of who you are and they will happily let you cut in line. I would do it.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: What do Chinese mummies have to do with pizza?
 
John Morrison & The Miz vs. Jesse & Festus
Jesse starts off by hitting a big suplex on Morrison. He tags to Festus, who utterly destroys Morrison for a bit until tagging Jesse in and throwing him onto Morrison. Jesse hits a monkey flip and a crossbody for 2. Miz interferes and allows Morrison to make the tag. Miz controls for a bit, but Jesse escapes and tags Festus. Festus basically repeats what he did last time, only this time, Miz gets hit with the flying Jesse for 2. On the outside, Festus takes out Morrison, but inside the ring, Miz hits the Reality Check for the win.
 
WINNERS: Miz and Morrison.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Shane said read his recaps. Hey, it worked for Diddy.
 
RAW Recap. Unfortunately, JBL didn't kill Cena.
 
Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy
 
Apparently, Vickie booked this as "brother vs. brother". Instead of just, you know, not showing or refusing to wrestle, they show their anger by throwing the wedding cake on Chavo's pants. That'll show her!
 
Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy AFTER COMMERCIALS
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Unlike those fools, I do not need a machine to fly.
 
The Hardys lock up and each one works an armbar. Matt hits a hiptoss. Each one goes for a Twist of Fate and each one fails. Jeff goes for a crazy pin with his legs for 2. Jeff skins the cat, but Matt clotheslines him over the ropes. Matt rolls him back in and Jeff drives him into the corner and hits his usual crazy corner kick. Jeff hits a Side Effect, but Matt dodges his Swanton Bomb. Matt goes upstairs and hits a moonsault for 2. La Familia gets revenge for the earlier cake shenanigans with a beatdown.
 
WINNER: Nobody. Double DQ.
 
Edge spears both Hardys.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Nothing interesting.
 
The old Cutting Edge ring carpet is out in the ring. Edge goes on and on about his love for Vickie and shows a video tribute of all their disgusting moments set to some crappy love song. Finally, here comes Triple H to spoil things. Um, what took you so long? This shit was bad almost 2 hours ago. Triple H carries a long box. Five bucks says Sledgie's in there. Hehehe, Trips makes inside jokes about the last wedding he ruined. Trips says he comes bearing gifts. Uh-oh. You know what they say about muscular Germans bearing gifts. The first gift is a LONG video of Edge chatting with the wedding planner. Edge hurts his "trapezoid" and gets the planner to massage it. I drew a trapezoid once. It didn't get hurt and it didn't get massaged. Edge decides this is too long (he's not alone) and sicks La Familia on him. Of course, this brings gift #2 out of the long box, which is Sledgie. This stops La Familia dead. Even THE AWESOME BAM NEELY isn't gonna mess with that. The long vid continues and now Edge is giving the planner a massage. HA! Edge tells the planner Vickie is fat and wears granny panties. Gift 3 is a big ol' pair of Grannie panties. The vid ends with the planner and Edge FINALLY making out. Trips disappears, Vickie throws another bitch fit, Chavo gets pissed, and Edge and the planner walk out.
 
Worst. WWE Wedding. Ever. No priest beatdowns, no cake to the face, no heart attacks. Nothing.
 
Thankfully, this horrible Smackdown didn't kill me. So until next week, I'm Shane Steele, assuming I wasn't adopted at birth.

SEND FEEDBACK TO SHANE STEELE
 
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (07/25/08) 

Hey hey hey! Shane Steele once again proudly brings you the Smackdown Review. Well, maybe not proudly. After last week's wedding shenanigans, I'm almost terrified to see what will happen this week.
 
The show opens with the VIP Lounge and instead of his usual suits and loafers, MVP is sporting baller casual this evening, as well as a "luxurious haircut". Cornrows are luxurious? How do those gangstas afford them? He proceeds to bring out "the most controversial guest in the show's history", Jeff Hardy. This despite being brave enough to have Michael Hayes on his show. P hypes the battle royal later in the night and says he'll be the winner. Jeff says he hasn't seen MVP win since Matt took the US title from him. Debatable. But now it's time to pimp WWE Magazine, which has Jeff on the cover. Then Montel goes all Dr. Phil on Jeff and bring up the suspension, the IC title loss, his house fire, and the loss of his dog in said fire, claiming it all has an effect on his in-ring performance. He says Jeff hurts everyone around him and needs to shape up. Jeff then shoves MVP, who rolls out of the ring and runs for his life.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Eating dimes would hurt like hell.
 
Vickie Guerrero is set to arrive soon to the delight of, well, no one.
 
Shelton Benjamin vs. Jimmy Wang Yang
Shelton dominates early on with takedowns, a big boot, and various submissions. Jimmy escapes and hits an enziguri and a hurricarana. Shelton stops an apparent moonsault attempt, Jimmy ducks a dragon whip, and Shelton dodges a kick. Shelton follows with Paydirt for the win.
WINNER: Shelton Benjamin.
 
Backstage, Edge paces nervously as the Edgeheads arrive. Edge wants to talk, but the 'Heads ditch him to prepare for their match. Disappointed, Edge cries and cuts himself. Or not.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: There is no way Southern California kids go MMA on each other.
 
Curt Hawkins W/ Zach Ryder vs. Festus W/ Jesse
Festus completely dominates this whole match, with Hawkins getting in the usual Edgehead offense of kicks and punches. Finish sees Festus hit the flapjack slam for the win.
 
WINNER: Festus.
 
Postmatch, the Edgeheads dispose of Jesse and take out the now "Ugh"-looking Festus with one of their moves that isn't a stomp or kick, the double DDT.
 
Jenny McCarthy encourages us to fight autism while Jim Carrey looks ridiculously uncomfortable. Lighten up, Jim. It's not like your doing The Number 23 2 or something (The Number 24?).
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Were these people ripped before they started using a Bowflex?
 
Backstage, Edge talks to Alicia. Little does he know he is being spied on by BAM NEELY! Sadly, this song does not play in the background.
 
He has great facial expressions, you know.
Is the bodyguard for Chavo Guerrero!
He never wrestles, but who really cares!
Knows over 1,000 different stares!
Really isn't more than a lackey.
Secret-Agent Bam!
Secret-Agent Bam!
Thank you for allowing me to waste your time.
 
Stevie Richards vs. Vladimir Kozlov
 
Apparently, this was a challenge issued by Richards. Dude, you're in your hometown and you challenge the giant scary Russian dude with the hard head. Your bad.
Stevie starts off with a bulldog and the usual kicks, but Kozlov shrugs them off and hits a belly-to-belly suplex. After a boot to the chest and an armbar, Stevie breaks out some more kicks and hits a dropkick that actually gets 1. Stevie charges the Russian, but he runs into his head for the pin.
 
WINNER: Kozlov. I can't help, but wonder what else he uses that hard head for. Opening doors? Hammering nails? Getting to the front of lines at the DMV? Oh, and Kozlov screams some Russian gibberish at Foley and JR. The battle royal is next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Sam Raimi somehow went from the Spider Man movies to CW reality TV shows.
 
Mr. Kennedy vs. The Great Khali W/ RUNJIN SINGH vs. MVP vs. Umaga vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Big Show (Winner Faces Triple H at SummerSlam)
 
Right off the bat, everyone starts brawling except MVP, who runs and hides at every chance he gets. JR calls Khali "one of the most popular superstars in all of India". Um, because he's from India? Before the commercials, Umaga kicks Big Show and Khali right in the face.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That is one sick crunch.
 
All men are still in the ring. Everyone still just brawls and tries to eliminate each other. Jeff gets rid of MVP with a clothesline over the top rope. As Kennedy is "laying in the wheeze" (TM Jim Ross), Big Show eliminates Umaga. Then he eliminates Kennedy. Show chokeslams Khali, but gets Samoan Spiked by the vengeful Umaga. Hardy then eliminates Show with an amazing hurricarana over the top rope. But for all his effort, Hardy is unceremoniously tossed out by Khali.
 
WINNER: Khali, one of India's most popular superstars. Did you know that? I had no idea.
 
Trips comes out for the obligatory staredown, but after a bit, the mighty Runjin Singh leads Khali away.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I blatantly ignore your warning.
 
HOLY CRAP, IT'S A RON KILLINGS...excuse me, R-Truth...PROMO! 'Bout time. Notice how TNA debuts their stolen talent almost instantly after they sign them.
 
Michelle McCool W/ Butterfly Belt vs. Maryse W/ Skull-Studded Belt (Guess Which One's Cooler?)
 
Michelle goes about her usual ass-kickery until Maryse tosses Michelle outside. Maryse gets in a bit of offense until Michelle slaps on the Brazilian Heel Hook (or the Heel Hook as it's known in Brazil) for the win.
 
WINNER: Michelle McCool.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Bathroom break.
 
It's a recap of the Monday night stupidity, er, insanity. Oh how I hate double DQ's.
 
Vickie finally arrives accompanied by Bam and Chavo. I can't look at Chavo the same way ever since my brother compared him to a badger. Can't say I blame him either.
 
 
 
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That song from the Pineapple Express trailers is catchy.
 
-Bam informs Edge that Vickie is in her office, but Edge tells him he would prefer to apologize in public.
 
Brian Kendrick W/ Ezekiel vs. Shannon Moore
Kendrick knocks Moore's head into the turnbuckle. Stiff kicks and a bodyslam follow. Moore dodges a top-rope knee drop and gets in a bit of offense. However, he is distracted by Ezekiel, allowing Kendrick to hit Sliced Bread #2 for the win.
 
WINNER: Kendrick and the big scary black man, er, Ezekiel.
 
Bam informs Vickie that Edge wants to meet her in the ring.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Dang. Emmitt Smith is short.
 
Ben Stiller can't wait to see Jenny McCarthy "step into the ring to fight autism". Is anyone else hoping Vince packages autism is a masked Mexican wrestler?
 
Edge hits the ring and apologizes for all his recent badness, but he wants to say it to Vickie's face, so he calls her out. Bam and Badger Man wheel Vickie to the ring and help her in, only to disappear moments later. Edge gets down on one knee and apologizes, saying he can't live without her love. Which means Edge has been dead up until he met Vickie. ZOMBIE MADNESS, I TELLS YA!  They hug mid-ring, but SWERVE! Vickie reveals she reinstated The Undertaker!  Crowd cheers. Edge quivers in fear, then goes to the old adage of making negatives into positives, saying he'll let Trips and Taker destroy each other while he honeymoons and come back to pick up the scraps. But SWERVE #2! Vickie says Edge will face Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell at SummerSlam! Edge panics while Vickie cackles like the wicked witch she is.
 
Well, that's all for the Lowdown on Smackdown. Until next week, I'm Shane Steele (unless I steal someone's identity).

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).