THEWRESTLINGFAN.com - LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN: Jul. 2007

SmackDown Rant Archive (July 2007)

Okay, it is no secret that since I have been gone, something ghastly has happened in the world of professional wrestling. Something which has shook the business to its very foundations, and had many people, the world over, questioning sports entertainment and its ways. Of course, I am talking about the repackaging of The Miz. I mean, shit, the only packaging I want to see this guy in is a purpose-built box. Infact, fuck the box. Just dig a hole and hit him with the shovel if he tries to get out.

A quick shout out to Bullfrog for filling in for me over the past few weeks, which is, of course, the second horrific thing to happen to wrestling recently. Nah, I jest. He’s not bad for a pre-schooler.

Lets get this shit crackulating.

Match One:- Matt Hardy vs. MVP. Non-Title.

Matt Hardy will not die. Therefore, if Keifer Sutherland should have an horrific accident, I know the perfect slot for Matt to fill.

‘LAST WEEK ON 24…’

Jeff:- He has left us a message on myspace, but it’s encrypted!
Torrie:- Damn, we do not have time for this! Can you decode?
Jeff:- If I could just find the password…
Torrie:- Try ‘FALLOUTBOY4EVA’
Jeff:-… We’re in!
Torrie:- What does it say?
Jeff:- …oh, its just some more poetry about his bleeding heart and broken soul.
Torrie:- GODDAMIT, another dead end.

(Cut to…)

JBL:- Look, Matt, Taker wants you to take a chokeslam for him.
Matt:- NO! I AM A REBEL FEDERAL AGENT! I MUST GO AGAINST PROTOCOL!
JBL:-…
Matt:- I WILL INSTEAD SET UP A RANGE DIAMETER AND THEN PERFLUCTUATE THE CARBONATOR!
JBL:- …dude, who the hell speaks like that?

(Cut to…)

Matt:- There is a mole within the CTU.
Torrie:- My god, who??
Matt:- Oh, that guy, who we only really started to notice like three episodes ago and until then was just a background actor. Shocking huh?
Torrie:-… not really, Matt. Not really.

Oh yes, the match…

This should be sweet. Both men start strong, hitting near fall after near fall, but MVP picks up the advantage when he begins to target the leg brace. Sweet spot sees MVP monkeyflip Hardy out of a whip, and then smash him into a barrier. Nice… and hey, there’s sign guy! Its all happening tonight. Now all we need is Hat Guy, the single most annoying fan ever, and we get to keep the match ball. Hardy is rolled back in because DA BLACK MAN HAS TO TAYKE DA POWER! Or something a little more Malcolm X ish. By the way, I have actually seen the tattoo. It’s not a huge X, rather a medium sized portrait of Malcolm X on his left pec. I’m thinking of getting one…

Hardy hits the Side Effect twice. I love that move. He then climbs the turnbckles, but MVP DARTS up and suplexes him off. Lovely. Anyway, the finish sees MVP kicking Hardy a lot, and then getting him in a firemans carry, but Hardy wriggles out somehow and hits the Twist Of Fate for a victory out of nowhere.

Great match. MVP has come on leaps and bounds since he worked with… erm… what’s his name. That guy, with the thing. I really cant remember. It must be because WWE pulled the BACKLASH DVD. Fucking A.Holes.

Winner:- Matt Hardy.

We are in the back with the newly engaged Theodore Long. Now lets just take a minute from our regularly scheduled programming here to ponder over this engagement. Theodore Long. Engaged to Krystal. Theodore Long. Theodore ‘Shiny Bald Head And Suit Four Sizes Too Big’ Long. Now in future, when people ask me why I love wrestling, I will respond with, ‘Because in the world of wrestling, we all are in with a fighting chance.’ Hey, what the hell does Theodore Long care now if Krystal screws him over?

Kristal:- I am leaving you… for VICKIE GUERRERO!
Teddy:- Shit, I don’t care, I already done tapped that ass.
Kristal:- Touche.

Anyway, Theodore tells Edge he has the night off and then tells him that there will be a Cutting Edge segment tonight. Hey, with nights off like that, who needs overtime! Douche. Theodore promises Edge the biggest star to ever appear on the Cutting Edge. Oooh! I am guessing that’s going to be an ironic statement! I bet Theodore is REALLY referring to the HEIGHT of said wrestler! Because Theodore is SOOO clever and witty and dear God if he’s doinking Kristal I’m gonna go drop Jessica Alba a call.

Match 2:- Chris Masters Vs Jimmy Wang Yang.

Well, this has to be a dream match by anyone’s standards! I mean seriously, it’s matches like this I hate, because NOBODY is going to gain anything from it. Wang Yang will lose AGAIN, so he gains nothing, and Masters will, again, prove that he can beat guys who always lose, so he gains nothing. And in the mean time, we have to WATCH the damn thing, so if anything we are the ones being cheated! Think about it. There has to be a lawsuit in there somewhere... Anyway, the match is power power power, with Wang Yang playing ‘rag-doll’ like a champ. Finish sees him throw a crossbody, but get caught by Masters who throws him into the air and catches him in the Masterlock from there. Well, at least they kept it short.

Winnr:- Masters. Was that a hypothetical question?

Enter Khali. I would say he DESTROYS Wang Yang, but that would look EFFECTIVE. So what he actually does is hit his weak-ass chokebomb. Lame. He then issues a GARRRRRBERNHAGGGHMAR. Which apparently is ‘retard’ for open challenge.

Now that guy called Festus and that other one are on my screen taking up time that I could be watching paint dry or reading one of Joe Merrick’s rants. Heh, one to me.

Match 3:- The Major Brothers vs. Some Major Jobbers.

Okay, this is a boring jobber match, so instead, you get…

Anvil Discusses!

Recently there have been some huge blows to the wrestling industry, and this is where I shall tackle them head on. So, my first issue:-

Anvil Discusses:- Steroids.

The way I see it is that there is a huge problem with steroids in wrestling. I mean, seriously, a big big problem. Of course, the problem is that not enough wrestlers take them. I mean, look at The Big Show. If he’d been on the juice, would he bare such a startling resemblance to a beached whale? No, the guy would still be moonsaulting from the top rope! And what if Little Spike Dudley had been on the Big Vitamins? Would we have had to sit through the LSD gimmick, in which he was basically Eugene on…. Well… LSD? NO! Because Big Spike Dudley DOESN’T SPELL LSD! AHA, surely you can all see where I am going with this!

And what is a little roid rage between you and a friend!? I’d have a lot more respect for Michael Cole if instead of resembling a drtowned rat, he got on the juice, pumped up into Big Poppa Cole, and lost his temper whenever JBL called him ‘boy’. Fuck, the game needs more steroids. Who’s with me? Anyone? …

Oh yes, The Majors won.

Rey Mysterio is back soon, and since He Who Must Not Be Named died, he already has a heel gimmick ready for the running. All he need do is wear an armband saying CB and there is another corpse lined up and ready to ride into the main event.

Match Four:- Finlay vs Flair.

Heh, sweet. They may be old, but I’m telling you, this will be good.

Old school start. Face-off, lock up, clean break by Finlay. Finlay overpowers Flair again and punches him around a little in the corner. Finlay has control here, but the Dirtiest Player whips out the ol’ thumb to the eye. Chops etc until Flair gets backdropped, and as usual, lands on his hip. That hip must hurt so damn bad I can’t fathom it. Finlay locks in some submissions forcing Flair to the rope. I’m being very respectful here, not cracking any jokes, but God knows I wanna. To the outside, and then back in with a couple of huge chop blocks that Finlay sells like they just blew out his knee. Figure four reversed into a Small Package for two. Finlay had a small package there. GEDDIT? This is gold my son, pure gold. Anyway, Hornswoggle runs in, gets chopped, runs away, but it is enough for a shillleighleighleigh shot to the leg and the Celtic Knot to finish.

Winner:- Finlay.

Heh. Small Package.

Victoria and Torrie in the back. Now there is a pair of golden oldies that I would willingly motor-boat. Anyway, they say some stuff and do some stuff, but who cares? The point is, they have boobs.

Khali kills somebody in the back. As that got him hired before, surely that should be a goddamn promotion? You know, like out of the ring and into an office? Please?

Match Five:- Kenny Dykstra vs. Chuck Palumbo.

Erm… what!? Anyway, Kenny controls most of the match, but Chuck punches him and hits the Black Hole Slam, I think, for the win. Seriously, on a scale of one to pissed, that match comes below ‘watching my gran menstruate’ on things that I REALLY wanna see. I mean, who in the blue hell cares!?

Winner:- Palumbo.

Mark Henry says something, but unfortunately my complete lack of interest is slightly louder. That’s four segments in a row that I could have lived without, but one had boobs, so we’ll let it off on good behaviour.

Match Six:- Deuce vs Eugene

Oh dear creeping Jesus. Cut to…

Anvil Discusses:- Early Deaths.

A lot of wrestlers die real early. Which sucks. Because it’s never the ones you want it to be. I mean, scenario for you…

Agent:- Vince! The Miz is… dead.
Vince:- Oh dear god. Scrap the show, we’ll run a tribute show of his best matches and such.
Agent:- But Vince… what the hell do we play??
Vince:- I’M THINKING! I’m thinking. Right, run some old Benoit matches.
Agent:- But Vince, I don’t think our sponsers would be…
Vince:- I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK ELSE TO DO!!!

See? Much more pleasing scenario.

Anyway, the match is interrupted by Khali, who… throws some more weak looking offence. Seriously, I’d rather get hit by Khali than Hornswaggle. I mean it. Anyway, nobody is brave enough to take the challenge blah blah, so Batista enters for the staredown.

You see, the problem with that open challenge was there is NOBODY in the back that I actually WANT to see wrestle Khali. I mean, not a damn person. Khali vs. Basista will suck eggs.

Smackdown today has seen some good action, but all told, it’s all been mostly forgettable. This is why I hate Smackdown. Because the potential is there but the effort is minimal.

Our Main Event? The Cutting Edge. See what I mean?

Sign Guy has done himself proud here with Edge Sucks signs. Not original, but effective en masse. Anyway, when Edge finds out that his guest is Kane, his reaction is so priceless that I forget how disappointed I am that… you know… his guest is Kane. Anyway, Edge boasts about how he is a three time champ to Kane’s one reign, to which Kane responds with ‘I Don’t Like You’, and punches Edge out of the ring. Edge says that he will never step foot in the ring with Kane again, which sounds like a cue to me! Teddy Long comes out and announces that Edge will be facing Kane for the title at the Bash. DUM DUM DUMMM!

Anybody remember when Number One Contenders had to be the second best? Nah, me neither. Outdated nonsensical illogical way of thinking, that.

Stored In The Swagbag:- Matt vs. MVP. Great PPV calibre match. Props to Flair and Finlay too.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- Three squash matches? I mean really? Is it 1982 up in the hishouse??

Anyway, I’m off to bed, because its half four in the morning here. I have been Anvil, and you have been lucky to have me back.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by The Anvil's Swagbag (07/13/07)

I’m fucking pissed off. I am writing this on no hours sleep whatsoever, so if it is lame, fuck you. Infact, fuck you anyway. If it wasn’t for you, right now I would be in bed with some soothing music playing in the background, some Bach or something, and a beautiful girl resting her sleepy head on my shoulder. Rather than that, I have a headache because I am writing this in the dark, and the accompanying sound of that same beautiful woman snoring her fucking ass off.

I hate you.

So if the report isn’t funny this week, I couldn’t give a monkeys chuff, go read something Sean wrote and get off my case. I can’t guarantee you laughs, but bitterness and sarcasm? I got that shit by the bucketload.

The show starts off with Edge in the back planning his Mardi Gras. Now where I come from, the Mardi Gras is usually reference to the biggest Gay Pride festival this side of the rainbow. So for the rest of the Rant, I am going to make ‘Edge is Gay’ jokes. Witty AND original, I’m sure you will find.

Edge gets a ‘feeling’, when we see Kane in the doorway, and turns around to find that the Big Red Machine is gone. Hmm… a feeling. Maybe it was ‘gaydar’. I’m betting Kane is a Power Top. Anyway, Edge looks scared, and goes to hide himself in a tight crevice. Hee. Let’s hope he doesn’t stay there too long, he might get bent out of all recognition. Hee. Yes, that is three gay jokes, one paragraph. Go me.

MVP makes his entrance through his giant inflatable bouncy castle, which I’m sure is particularly intimidating if you are scared of inflatables. Personally, I think that if MVP came out playing Pass The Parcel with the people in the front row and crying when Sign Guy won the Teddy he couldn’t look any lamer. He’s on commentary, and apparently it is MVP versus Matt Hardy at the Bash. Oooh, here’s an idea, how about you leave it to Matt Hardy to call MVP out at the end of the match, therefore not pre-empting every damn thing we are about to see. I mean, they might as well scroll goddamn spoilers across the bottom of the screen during the damn match.

SCROLLING SPOILER:- Annnnd in about 10 minutes time, MVP and Masters will beat down Matt Hardy. The Masterlock will, of course be used, and MVP will look strong heading into the Bash. And if you flick over to the WWF, Mick Foley will be winning the title tonight.

Matt and Masters enter and the match is a go.

Match 1:- Matt Hardy vs Chris Masters.

And here we go with, my guess is, Matt Hardy carrying the big green power guy to a passable match. AND THAT WASN’T EVEN IN THE SPOILERS! The problem I have with Masters being a Power Guy is that… well… he doesn’t look that powerful. I mean, if you took him off the juice, he’d look like Average Schmo. Actually, at one point, they DID take him off the juice, and even Triple H made a joke about him looking like Average Schmo. This is like the company saying,

‘whilst we acknowledge that Steroids are indeed bad, people that use them are naturally bigger and stronger. And people that use them religiously do tend to look like the Statue Of David. Just saying.’

I mean, what would the Masterpiece’s gimmick be if he didn’t pump shit into his ass? The ‘Pottery Barn Manufactured Vase Made To Look Like A Lalique?’ ‘The Reprint Of The Mona Lisa In Which The Eyes Don’t Quite Follow You, But They Do Seem To Meet Each Other Slightly In The Middle’? The moral of this story, kids? Steroids are good.

Masters slams Hardy around for a while, without rhyme or reason, just a case of ‘MASTERS SLAM! MASTERS HURT’. Anyway, he goes for the chinlock, to which Hardy responds with, ‘Blown up already?’ and starts flying around before missing the Yodelling Legdrop. Masters hits some more stuff, and counters the side effect and the bulldoggy thing, but this one was never in question because Masters is worthless and couldn’t draw a cat with a pencil, and Hardy hits the Twist Of Fate for the win.

Winner:- Matt Hardy.

Matt goads MVP into the ring, which is a stupid thing to do in all honesty, and Masters puts him in The Unbreakable Masterlock (as long as you don’t count the times Cena and Lashley broke it, and all the many times he couldn’t even apply it to the Big Show). How unforeseen! How shocking! How utterly unpredictable! MVP comes in, beats the crap out of him and is looking strong going into The Bash. Meanwhile, Mankind celebrates with DX, and says ‘Daddy-o did it!’. Pah.

Match 2:- Finlay vs Wang Yang.

I remember a time when you would watch wrestling and think, ‘hmm, I wonder who will win this match?’ Then, horror of horrors, somebody uttered the word ‘Cruiserweight’, and somebody else said, ‘did you just say squash?’ Vince, upon overhearing this conversation, put two and two together and got utterly bland and predictable TV. Vince, ever the mathematician.

Finlay starts strong, but Wang Yang darts around throwing Finlay off his game. Finlay goes to the outside, and Wang Yang goes for the baseball slide, only to be caught in the apron.

Edge:- I was caught in an apron once. I like to wear an apron when I make blueberry pie.

GAY.

They go to and fro, but eventually Wang Yang hits a huge crossbody for two, misses the moonsault, and is subsequently caught in the Celtic Cross.

Winner:- Finlay. Wang Yang, jobber to the jobbers to the stars. It could be worse. He could be dead. Or worse still, Stevie Richards!

Yeah, Hornswoggle enters and Finlay beats Wang Yang to death with him. Well… there’s still Stevie. Every cloud.

Match Three:- Chavo Guerrero and Jamie Noble vs The Major Brothers

It’s match after match tonight! Usually I love that, but tonight it means work, and work means staying awake, and staying awake requires energy that I could be expending on a dream in which I am Jessica Alba’s Maxi Pad. Nice to see Noble though.

A decent little match takes place, revealing that the Major Brothers have some wrestling talent. Unfortunately, they are also about as bland as dumplings without stew. I could give a shit about the Majors. They are trying to get them over so that Deuce and Domino actually have competition, but unfortunately, I could give a shit about the Greasers as well, so it’s one big boring ass orgy.

The Majors win, and I mark out bigger than I have ever marked out for them before! I say, ‘meh’, and go for a piss.

Coming up next, Batista does what he does best! Sign a piece of paper! Well, I say he does it best, but I know of about two thousand crying kids who would beg to differ, the big lying bastard. Khali throws a guy into a wall backstage for shits and giggles.

Edge is watching a video advertising the return of Dr Astin’s favourite patient… erm, let me rephrase that… Dr Astin’s only remaining patient… Rey Mysterio. Edge turns around so that all the men can get a good shot of The Entrance, if you know what I mean.

If you don’t, I’m implying that Edge is a noofter.

Suddenly Kane appears on the monitor, but when Edge turns around… Kane… is gone! How strange that an image on a monitor should come and go. Hell, my TV is still frozen on MVP’s entrance! Moving pictures? Piffle.

There is still loads of show to go, and I’m going to fall asleep on this fricking keyboard. So if I start typing loads of Z’s, I have fallen to sleep with my nose on the Z key. Which would be handy, and a rather convenient coincidence.

Now, ye olde contract signing, as invented by somebody who never expected it to become a SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT SPECTACLE! And they were right to think thus, because it never bloody did. Anyway, Batista signs some papers in the ring, and parents round the world say in union ‘I KNEW he could do it! And that agent told me he was fucking dyslexic!’.

Khali’s crappy translator says Batista should be locked in a cage, and that Khali isn’t afraid of Batista. Khali says something that sounds a little like that Muppet that looks a lot like Khali. You know the one I mean? With the really long face? And the mouth that points upwards? Always hangs with the little fat one? Ahh, screw you.

Anyway, to continue the trend of unpredictability, mayhem ensues when Batista slaps Khali. Khali goes mad, they both throw things, and I look happily back to that time I got my foot caught in a bear trap. Such exciting times.

Match Four:- Chuck Palumbo vs Luke Hawks.

OH MY SHITTING GOD who cares? Chuck’s gimmick is that he rides a motorcycle? Does that mean hat if something horrible like double murder and suicide was to happen to Chuck (for example) that his gimmick could be alternated to Eric Bischoff? The crowd reaction would be so sweet that you could call it Hog Mild!

Chuck Palumbo wins.

And now for the shitty farmer guys. Fuck this.

Anvil discusses:- The Media On Wrestling.

Okay, I think they have a strong case against wrestling, because by GOD are they calling in the big guns. I mean, Marc fucking Mero! The Wildman himself!I mean, shit, pull up the crucifixes and create the thorny crown for Vince now, because if Marc ‘Vince’s Right Hand Man’ Mero says it is true, then goddamit, Wrestling should be BANNED. Hell, wrestling should cut their losses and close their doors before something bad happens! God knows, Kanyon could accuse the WWE of homophobia next!! Wrestling is going to hell, and Marc Mero is carrying it there, paddling doggystyle (Edge’s fave) with it on his… erm… cat-door back

Next. Please.

Edge is brushing his teeth… WITH A BROOM… When we see Kane in the MIRROR!!! BUT WHEN EDGE TURNS AROUND HE ISN’T THERE!! SHADES OF THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR! HE KNOWS THAT QUEERING DOESN’T MAKE THE WORLD WORK, AND NOW EDGE IS PAYING HIS BIG GAY PENALTY!

Eugene is fooled into taking Deuce’s place in a match if he can have a ride to the ring in the Greaser car. So the opponent is going to be scary. I’d put all my beans on Mark Henry, kiddies.

Match Five:- Eugene vs Mark Henry.

I rule. Henry beats the shit out of Eugene. Worlds Laziest Finisher and the Bore Hug to finish. Or to start, depending on how you look at it.

Winner:- Mark Henry. May I go to bed now?

Krystal asks Vickie to be maid of honour at the wedding backstage. I’m not even going to qualify this with a joke. It isn’t worth a joke. I scorn it instead.

Match Six:- Throwaway Diva Fight.

The one with boobs wins. Can I PLEASE go to bed now!?

FINALLY, we get to the Main Event of the evening, Edge’s Mardi Gras. Lots of people throw beads into the crowd, and Edge… wearing the worlds most awesome hat…. Declares that the party he throws when he beats Kane will be even bigger. WOW, I was at Edge’s last big party, and I saw nipples! Maybe he isn’t so gay after all. He then spears the Queen. That’s right, spears the queen. SPEARS. The QUEEN. And we ain’t talking Freddie Mercury. So for all my jokes and gay innuendo, Edge puts it all to rest by SPEARING the QUEEN. Wanker. I had a few more gay jokes lined up yet.

Anyway, at this moment, The King reveals himself to be Kane, who begins to lay in to Edge. Heh, awesome. Now all the Dub need to do is stop burying Kane and one day I might see him as an actual threat.
All of the silly costumes dive in and get beaten up in, God Help Me, a really funny image. Bang goes the pyro, and off goes the show. Well, that was fun.

Stored In The Swagbag:-….. are you kidding me?? Fuck you.

Good fucking night.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by The Anvil's Swagbag (07/20/07)

Okay, here’s the deal. I ain’t got a lot of time tonight, so you are getting a half assed report, for the first time since… well… last week, right? But IT’S OKAY! Because A) I have made half-assery an art form. I call it ‘concise bitching’. And B) You will be seeing more of me this week anyway. More on that later.

Oh, and who here wants to know what happens in the new Harry Potter book? Weeeeeell, if you REALLY want to know…. Grow up, you fucking idiot, it was written for fucking nine year olds.

On with the show.

Edge comes to the ring and asks for suitable lighting. Heh. He reveals the severity of his injurys, and then RUNS A FRICKING HOMAGE VIDEO FOR HIMSELF. It’s set to ‘Simply The Best’. I’m not going to joke for the remainder of this segment, because that would do an injustice to the awesomeness that is occurring.

Teddy then calls the ill-fated battle royal that we all knew was coming. Shit, now I’m REALLY STRUGGLING to keep to my no-joke rule, because I have SOOOO MANY lined up. Seriously, Khali is the ’Chicken Crossing The Road’ of the wrestling world. Ooops, did I spoil the result of the Battle Royal for anyone?! Well TOUGH SHIT, WWE did it first.

Edge then tells Teddy Long that he can’t hand over the belt and asks him how he could move on so quickly. HILARIOUS. He eventually hands over the belt. Shame about the circumstances, because that was my favourite SD segment in… months, probably. But from here on in, we are talking complete shit, so buckle up your seatbelts kiddies.

Lots of boys are getting ready for the battle royal in the back. They already know that The Great Khali is going to win; it’s a predetermined sport. But somebody in the back has got it all wrong, because as far as I knew, it wasn’t supposed to be pre-determined for the fucking television audience.

Match One:- Victoria vs. Torrie Wilson.

And what a way to open the show! What a stellar match to set the pace for the rest of the night! Two women, both past their wrestling prime, in an uninspired feud in which neither of them are aiming for anything at all and so nobody gets any sort of rub from being in it and we all sit back wondering why we waste our time watching this shit, whilst touching ourselves slightly because hell, we DO still watch it and we couldn’t get real boobs if we tried. On the subject of boobs… wow. Boobs.

Fuck this shit. Victoria wins, and Simon and Garfunkel reform in the audience to play The Sound Of Silence with the rest of the fucking crowd.

Winner:- Victoria.

Okay, here we go, with the big-ass battle royal. Now usually, I would skim over all of the details only pointing out eliminations and things that I could make fun of. But this time it will be different. Oh yes, this time it will be a LOT different. Because this time, I am only going to point out the eliminations, and HALF of the things I can make fun of. See what I did there?

BATTLE ROYAL

So, the scared kid is given a big crossbow, and tries to shoot one guy when he comes out of the door, but he’;s too piss scared to actually go through with it. Ahh, FUCK YOU, I’ll review whatever the fuck I want.

Oh FINE. The Majors are minor and get thrown. Shannon Moore lasts about as long as the standard Shannon Moore match. No surprises there.

Everybody throws Mark Henry out at the same time because he’s a fat bastard and that’s what people do in battle royals. You have to feel sorry for the obese, they can’t cut a break. No trouble with a cake though, the fat bastards.

Out goes Jamie Noble, which surprises me. It surprises me because, shit, Jamie Noble was just in a WWE ring!? THE DEFINING MOMENT OF HIS WWE CAREER. Eugene congratulates Kane and Batista for throwing Jamie Noble out and then eliminates them both. Nah, I’m lying,. But I had you going for a second right? Nope? This is fucking shit.

Matt eliminates MVP, which gives Matt an edge going into the Bash, doesn’t it? Well… erm… no. Because in a real match, craftily throwing somebody over the ropes is merely a minor irritance.

Matt:- Nerr nerr, I win.
MVP:- (Hits Matt with a chair.)

And the winner issss……

Yang and Guerrero eliminate The Masterpieceofshit. Heh./ I made a funny. And then Yang eliminates Guerrero. Usually, I’d be saying, ‘look, its obvious that Wang Yang isn’t going to win, let’s just get to Khali and Batista.’. But now, I’m saying, ‘DEAR FUCKING GOD JUST LET KHALI WIN BEFORE I DISEMBOWEL MYSELF WITH A SPOON.’. It is somehow much worse when you know that the man who is going to win moves at the speed of the average pebble. And the charisma too!

Khali:- EEEEEEFF YAAAAAAAUGHHHH SMEEEEEEEEGHHHLLLLLLLL WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT DAAAAGHHHHHHH PEBBBBBBBBBBBLEE EEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSKSKS CROOOOOOOOOKHINNNNNG!

Totally bored of this match. I mean, like bored beyond tears. I cried like I had just watched United 93 when I found out that Khali was the new champ. Add on ‘Schindlers List’ up until the point in which Eugene was eliminated. But at this point, all of the concentration camps, dead jews, burning Towers and bereaving families could not make me feel any worse than I do watching this disaster. Infact, somebody tell me a good genocide joke, I need cheering up a bit.

Hornswaggle eliminates Wang Yang. Shit, Wang Yangs career is as dead as…something controversial… something controversial… AH! Chris Benoit’s family. No? Meh, fuck you.

Some shit happens, and Hardy and Finlay are eliminated. I couldn’t tell you what it was, as I was distracted by a dead moth. TRUE STORY. I actually found more interest in prodding a dead moth with a pencil than I do this battle royal. Anyway, Batista and Kane are trying to eliminate each other instead of working together to eliminate Khali, and both get dumped with a DEVESTATING BLOW from Khali. Well, I say devastating… more glancing. Well, I say glancing… more shit.

Winner and NEW CHAMPION! The Great Khali.

Batista kicks things like a fucking big baby, and I…was about to say that I lose respect for him, but to do so, I would have to GAIN some, only to lose it seconds later. And that would just be silly on my part.

Khali backstage, says that the Indians regale him as a hero now that he has won the title. Bullshit. The Indians hold him in about as much esteem as they do John fucking Wayne.

Later on in the show, Batista vs. Kane to establish the number one contender! I’m so excited that I am considering turning my TV off! Incase I burn out with excitement! Or attack it with a sledgehammer! OOH I JUST CAN’T WAIT.

Match 3:- Matt vs. Kenny Dykstra.

FINALLY, a match I can sink my teeth into and enjoy. Because don’t get me wrong, I LOVE good wrestling. I also despise bad wrestling. Either way, I give it 100%.

This is GOOD wrestling. Fair enough, it is merely filler, but when the filler is better than the bread, just savour the meat. Or something less convoluted. And also, it is just move after move with no reason or rhyme. But everything looks crisp and clean, and look at the standards of the other matches we have had so far. This is a godsend.

The end is my favourite kind of end to a match, as long time readers will know. The Super Finisher. Kenny goes upstairs, presumably for his precision perfect leg drop, but Matt cuts him off and hit’s the Twist Of Fate from the top. Awesome. It really adds the image of extra power and contact.

Kenny has a lot to learn about building a match. When he does though, he may, just may, be great.

Winner:- Matt Hardy.

MVP cuts a promo in which he claims that ‘THE WHITE MAYN IS TAKIN’ OUR FAMILIES AN’ RAPIN DEM! THE WHITE MAYN CALL US NIGGER AND HE DUN CHOP US DOWN! BUT WE STRONG MAH BRUTHERS, WE STRONG. AND IF WE, DA DAYM NIGGUHS STAYND TOGETHER, WE CAN TAYKE BACK OUR RIGHTS, WE CAYN TAYKE BACK OUR FREEDOM, AND WE CAYN TAYKE BACK OUR GOOD NAME.’ He then shares a smile with Mohammed Ali, and runs off to finish the autobiography he is writing with the help of a white man. .. Wait, was that the other guy?

MAIN EVENT:- Batista vs. Kane for the Number One Contendership.

Now usually, I detail the main event pretty well, because it is the main event after all, and deserves that respect. But here we have two guys who are old and past it, both powerhouses with a methodical style, and both pretty bloody boring. So you are lucky to get a ‘gist’ here, let alone a review.

Batista tries to hit the bomb earlier, but flunks it. Gah, I was hoping that would be the end. He then tries to hit it again from the turnbuckle, but he flunks it. Gah, I was hoping that would be the end. They do their usual moveset, with the flying clothesline and the spine buster, nothing interesting. Kane hit’s the choke slam for two. Gah, I was hoping that would be the end. They brawl outside, they brawl inside, I bawl outside and inside. Khali enters, and they brawl and I bawl some more. This is the worst SD main event. Ever. Khali attacks them both, so they throw him over the top rope. TOO LATE YOU FUCKING MORONS. HAD YOU DONE THAT AN HOUR AGO, I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN CONTEMPLATING MAKING RAT POWDER CAKES!

Teddy Long comes out and declares a no-finish, and a triple threat match at the Bash. So not even a clean finish? DEAR GOD. I think I’ll go back to poking that moth.

Stored In The Swagbag:- The first ten minutes. The best segment Smackdown has seen in months.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- The Battle Royal and the main event. The worst two matches Smackdown has seen in months.

Thank GOD that is over. I apologise for the half-assing, but duties do call.

BUT HAVE NO FEAR, I shall be back, in full fucking force, on Sunday, when I recap the Great American Bash! I’m not as controversial as Joe, not as quick to spot the little things as Sean, and not as plain weird as James Walker, this much is true. But be prepared for the ANGRIEST PPV rant, ever.

Until then.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by The Anvil's Swagbag (07/28/07)

Here we are once again my friends, with the show that requires me to find new ways to say ‘squash’ each and every week.

This week, I am opting for the word ‘crapola.’

So without any further ado, lets just get through this together shall we? …On second thoughts, lets not. Because, lets face facts. Since The Bash, I don’t need the likes of you! Two reasons particularly spring to mind.

1) Now that I am an internet celebrity the likes of which only Maddox, Lily Allen, and Canadian Bacon have aspired to be, I do not have time to craft introductions for you peasants. Put up or shut up. Meh, fuck it, just shut up.

2) I have been through hell already, and am way passed the point of caring.

Night starts thusly.

Match One:- Batista vs. Deuce.

Great, the Black Hole of Charisma and the Black Hole Of Talent in the ring at the same time. Which one is which? It’s interchangeable.

This is one big CRAPOLA match in which Batista looks to be in trouble for all of… ooh… ten seconds, before crushing the little greaser as we all knew he would. The only highlight was Batista’s flirting with Cherry, and that only slightly amused me because any woman involved with Batista in any way shape or form is fired within the week. So expect to see Cherry get popped this week.

Winner:- Have a fricking guess.

Interview in the back with Jamie Noble who says he will beat Hornswoggle for the title tonight… wait, he’s the number one contender?? HE GOT PINNED BY A FUCKING DWARF! If it was that easy to get a title shot, RVD could have avoided that glass ceiling by doing the job to Max Mini LONG AGO. Hell, if it was that easy, why did Mass Transit not get a much bigger push!? Oh… oh yeah.

Hornswoggle vs. Jamie Noble:- Cruiserweight Title.

Here is Hornswoggle’s Cena push!! Because if hje doesn’t bah gawd overcome the odds tonight and beat Jamie Noble, I will kiss a French chick. SEE WHAT I GO THROUGH FOR YOU GUYS!?

Jamie looks under the ring, and Hornswoggle runs around being funny. The reason I don’t hate this as much as I should ,is that Hornswoggle has loads of charisma. He’s funny, and he actually looks quite tough. It still sucks, but it’s better than Mark Henry/

They trade blows and Horny looks strong until Noble kicks him hard in the face. OOOH he’ll have heat in the back for stealing Orton’s TRADEMARK MANEUVRE!

Hornswoggle runs around the ring more, and Noble gives chase. He grabs Horny’s foot, but just as the ref counts to ten, Hornswoggle wriggles free and Noble is left on the losing end with Hornswoggle’s shoe.

Winner:- Hornswoggle. And thank God! French chicks are hairy.

Hornswoggle celebrates up the ramp. Jamie Noble throws his shoe at him, and it really annoys me that even though the shoe is a foot away (well, not one of Hornswoggles feet. They’re tiny,) he doesn’t go and pick it up. What kinda person wouldn’t just pick up their bloody shoe? I mean, I can suspend disbelief, but I don’t believe for one second that anybody, midget or not, wouldn’t go pick up their fucking shoe. Stupid things piss me off. I’ll come back to this shoe business later, don’t think for a second that I am letting it drop. I AM ANVIL HEAR ME ROAR.

Chavo vs. Eugene in a Keep Chavo Fresh In People’s Minds For When Rey Rey Returns match.

Here we have what is known on the continent as a glorified crapola. Great commentary here from JBL.

Michael Cole:- He really thinks he is a superhero.
JBL:- And you really think you are a commentator.

Thankyou JBL, for saying things to Michael Cole that, until now, we could only shout at the TV. Sure, you didn’t say, ‘And you really think you are a commentator, you rat faced cunt’, but the thought was there.

Chavo slaps Eugene, and Cole says it is to shame him. I shout ‘he’s wearing a superhero costume you fucking twat! Look at him’. Then JBL shouts the censored version. Oh, JBL, how they limit your brilliance.

Chavo works Eugene’s leg lots here, pounding away. Eugene does his usual great bumping around, and Chavo looks strong. It’s a miracle! It’s amazing! It’s a squash! Sorry… a crapola… sorry.

Funny spot sees Eugene Tard Up, and do the old ‘YOU!’ point, to which Chavo, very audibly, says ‘ME??’ Heh, you crazy Mexicans.

To finish, Chavo hit’s a killer brain buster that somehow affects Eugene. But the Dub had me believing that retards HAVE no brains! YOU LIED TO ME! AND VINCE IS ALIIIIVE!! Chavo hit’s the frogsplash for the win.

Flair woos Matt Hardy backstage. As gay as it sounds.

OUR FIRST NON CRAPOLA OF THE EVENING!:

Matt Hardy and Ric Flair vs. MVP and Chris Masters.

MVP enters out of his inflatable toy as per usual. Where the hell do they put that thing?? It’s gone a split second after he enters. Kinda like my erection a second after… erm… Lita… Aids… something something something. My mind’s a blank. Nah, not really, I’m just a lazy shit.

You get the usual stuff that you always get before the show goes to break. Nothing original. The heels work on Hardy, Hardy tags Flair, who I thought couldn’t wrestle for a long time by the way, is Flair actually still alive or is that an animated corpse that HHH has raised so that Flair can witness him beat his record for title wins before HHH says, ’AND NOW ROT BITCH’ and suddenly Flair’s corpse decomposes on the spot and maggots appear out of nowhere, as they always do when people are dead regardless of whether there is a fly around or not… I mean what is with that!? Do we have inbuilt maggots or something??… who lights them up with chops, faces stand tall as we cut to commercials.

Things get better when we come back from the break though. Flair basically gets beaten from pillar to post, using only chops here and there. MVP hits that big kick to the face and Flair flops. Orton is gonna be seething! How dare so many people use a move as obscure as a kick to the head!? Regardless, eventually Flair makes the hot tag, and Matt creams Masters. MVP breaks up the pin after the Side Effect for two, but realises after a Twist Of Fate that it’s all over but the crying, and leaves Masters for the pin.

Winners:- Matt and Flair.

After the match, MVP tells Matt Hardy that he couldn’t beat MVP at anything… the last time we heard that, we all got the pleasure of seeing Bischoff French kiss Mae Young. Did I say pleasure? I meant pain. Did I say pain? I meant that I didn’t even watch it. Doesn’t take a lot to turn your head you SICK FUCKS. Hardy says he will beat MVP again and again and again till he gets a title shot. Ooh Kinky! …no? Screw you.

Mark Henry vs. Some Guy.

It’s a CRAPOLA. Henry finishes it with the Bore Hug. This isn’t worth my fucking time. How are you proving Henry is dominant if you put him in the ring with a guy with less credibility than Funaki? I COULD BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF FUNAKI. Fucking useless.

Winner:- Mark Henry.

Mark Henry says something, but I am too busy not listening to hear him.

Teddy Long wants Ron Simmons to be his best man. Simmons says, ‘Hell no you bald li’l needle dick, I’m fucking your baby girl on the side.’ Honestly! He really, really, really does.

Kane vs. Dave Taylor.

What is this, the fourth crapola of the night?? Dear GOD this show has been fucking lame. Whatever happened to competition!? What ever happened to entertainment? I mean, shit, Chris Benoit killed his wife and kid like a month ago, and suddenly Wrestling is Lance Storm’s last gimmick.

I’m not sure if Lance Storm’s last gimmick was the one in which he was boring, or the one in which he had a giant shlong, but hell, it’s appropriate either way.

Kane wins. What more do you want me to say here?? I mean, come on, there isn’t a lot of detail TO give.

Jimmy Wang Yang and Torrie Wilson vs. Kenny Dykestra and Victoria.

Dear GOD! This is the last fucking match of the evening. Well what a fucking crock. Once again, Matt Hardy and MVP steal the Match Of The Night with another match that, on any other show, would be mediocre. This is the shits. This is as low as SD gets. This brand used to be the WRESTLING brand, and I used to be half and half with the good and the bad weekly, but now, in all honesty, I struggle so hard to find much good. Chavo shouting ‘ME??’ is possibly my highlight so far. Either him or JBL during the Eugene match. How fucking terrible is that!? I would, in all honesty, rather watch ECW. I REALLY REALLY would. Because, contrary to popular belief, I LOVE wrestling, and I used to love recapping Smackdown. And I took a good hard look at myself a few weeks ago and said, ‘Do you hate this job now?’ But no, I don’t. The job hasn’t changed. It’s Smackdown that is deteriorating. Edge, Taker and Rey can only help big time when they return, and believe me, I am waiting with baited breath. But losing so many top notch wrestlers to other brands because Raw gets the higher ratings? That is slowly but surely taking it’s toll on Smackdown.

Fuck this match. It was the second most entertaining match of the night. Possibly third. And I still couldn’t give a shit, because again, it is a match with no build, no psychology, no structure. The reason ECW was such a success was that everybody had an arc, a meaning, a reason for fighting who they fought, or acting the way that they acted. This match was an excuse to get Torrie Wilson into short shorts. ZIP A DEE FUCKING DOO DAH.

Wang Yang beat Kenny with a moonsault and a roll up. The women looked hot. I dunno what else to say, because if I ran play-by-play, it would only prove my point.

Winners:- Wang Yang and Torrie.

I don’t mean to rant, but this week, I am sorely disappointed. SORELY disappointed.

Back to attempting to make you laugh!

Khali comes out for the BIGGEST TITLE CELEBRATION SINCE THE ONE THREE WEEKS AGO. Ahem. Fit Indian women (Indian is still on my To Do list. You know what I mean) come dancing around, and then Khali ruins the mood by existing.Khali mumbles some shit, which even the translator said ’What the fuck?’ to. Then Eugene ran out and translated to the translator who then saidd ’Ooooh!’. Again, this REALLY HAPPENED! I MEAN IT. The translator then compared Khali to GANDHI and MOTHER TERESA. HAAA! Fucking great. And the more I think about it, Khali does look like fucking Mother Teresa. I SMELL A PHOTOSHOP! Or at the very least, a new gimmick, like the Guru guy from TNA.

At this point, they all start dancing, and Khali breaks out moves that Justin Timberlake was noting down. FIRST, he shuffled to the left, and put his arm up. THEN, and this is where it gets hard folks, he shuffled to the right and PUT HIS ARM DOWN. You got it?Perfectly co-ordinated. So perfectly co-ordinated that, if you look closely, you can actually see him in Michael Jackson's Thriller video. He's quite easy to spot. He's the only guy that didn't need make-up.

The Khali Shuffle is the future.

Batista, of course breaks up the party. You know what would really be a swerve? If one day, the party just kept going and NOBODY interrupted. Imagine the heat! That’d be awesome.

For the record, we here at The Wrestling Fan have no remorse, and have no scruples. So for anybody reading this… BATISTA IS ON THE JUICE. Sue us. We don’t care. Fuck, we’ll photoshop Batista with a needle up his arse for shits and giggles.

Batista demands a title shot. Yeah, you deserve one. Or two. But if I have done the maths right, this will be your SEVENTH. Try, try, and try again taken to extreme levels, TORTUROUS levels of monotony. GIVE IT UP YOU FREAK.

Khali says no. HA. In your face.

Batista slaps him.

End night.

Stored in the Swagbag:- Chavo and JBL for making me laugh. Good job, guys. Oh, and The Khali Shuffle.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- For all the crapola, for all the bullshit, I am gonna go with Hornswoggle not picking his shoe up. IT’S RIGHT THERE NEXT TO YOU! DO YOU WANT DAMP SOCKS?

I have been Anvil, and you have been… well, pretty damn good if you are still reading at this point! Congratulations.

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The Anvil's Swagbag has eight girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.