Okay, it is no secret that since I have been gone, something ghastly has happened
in the world of professional wrestling. Something which has shook the business to its very foundations, and had many people,
the world over, questioning sports entertainment and its ways. Of course, I am talking about the repackaging of The Miz. I
mean, shit, the only packaging I want to see this guy in is a purpose-built box. Infact, fuck the box. Just dig a hole and
hit him with the shovel if he tries to get out.
A quick shout out to Bullfrog for filling in for me over the past
few weeks, which is, of course, the second horrific thing to happen to wrestling recently. Nah, I jest. He’s not bad
for a pre-schooler.
Lets get this shit crackulating.
Match One:- Matt Hardy vs.
Matt Hardy will not die. Therefore, if Keifer Sutherland should have an horrific accident, I
know the perfect slot for Matt to fill.
‘LAST WEEK ON 24…’
Jeff:- He has left us a message
on myspace, but it’s encrypted!
Torrie:- Damn, we do not have time for this! Can you decode?
Jeff:- If I could
just find the password…
Torrie:- Try ‘FALLOUTBOY4EVA’
Jeff:-… We’re in!
does it say?
Jeff:- …oh, its just some more poetry about his bleeding heart and broken soul.
another dead end.
JBL:- Look, Matt, Taker wants you to take a chokeslam for him.
I AM A REBEL FEDERAL AGENT! I MUST GO AGAINST PROTOCOL!
Matt:- I WILL INSTEAD SET UP A RANGE DIAMETER
AND THEN PERFLUCTUATE THE CARBONATOR!
JBL:- …dude, who the hell speaks like that?
There is a mole within the CTU.
Torrie:- My god, who??
Matt:- Oh, that guy, who we only really started to notice like
three episodes ago and until then was just a background actor. Shocking huh?
Torrie:-… not really, Matt. Not really.
Oh yes, the match…
This should be sweet. Both men start strong, hitting near fall after near fall, but
MVP picks up the advantage when he begins to target the leg brace. Sweet spot sees MVP monkeyflip Hardy out of a whip, and
then smash him into a barrier. Nice… and hey, there’s sign guy! Its all happening tonight. Now all we need is
Hat Guy, the single most annoying fan ever, and we get to keep the match ball. Hardy is rolled back in because DA BLACK MAN
HAS TO TAYKE DA POWER! Or something a little more Malcolm X ish. By the way, I have actually seen the tattoo. It’s not
a huge X, rather a medium sized portrait of Malcolm X on his left pec. I’m thinking of getting one…
hits the Side Effect twice. I love that move. He then climbs the turnbckles, but MVP DARTS up and suplexes him off. Lovely.
Anyway, the finish sees MVP kicking Hardy a lot, and then getting him in a firemans carry, but Hardy wriggles out somehow
and hits the Twist Of Fate for a victory out of nowhere.
Great match. MVP has come on leaps and bounds since he worked
with… erm… what’s his name. That guy, with the thing. I really cant remember. It must be because WWE pulled
the BACKLASH DVD. Fucking A.Holes.
Winner:- Matt Hardy.
We are in the back with the newly engaged Theodore Long.
Now lets just take a minute from our regularly scheduled programming here to ponder over this engagement. Theodore Long. Engaged
to Krystal. Theodore Long. Theodore ‘Shiny Bald Head And Suit Four Sizes Too Big’ Long. Now in future, when people
ask me why I love wrestling, I will respond with, ‘Because in the world of wrestling, we all are in with a fighting
chance.’ Hey, what the hell does Theodore Long care now if Krystal screws him over?
Kristal:- I am leaving
you… for VICKIE GUERRERO!
Teddy:- Shit, I don’t care, I already done tapped that ass.
Anyway, Theodore tells Edge he has the night off and then tells him that there will be a Cutting Edge segment
tonight. Hey, with nights off like that, who needs overtime! Douche. Theodore promises Edge the biggest star to ever appear
on the Cutting Edge. Oooh! I am guessing that’s going to be an ironic statement! I bet Theodore is REALLY referring
to the HEIGHT of said wrestler! Because Theodore is SOOO clever and witty and dear God if he’s doinking Kristal I’m
gonna go drop Jessica Alba a call.
Match 2:- Chris Masters Vs Jimmy Wang Yang.
Well, this has to be a dream match by anyone’s standards! I mean seriously, it’s matches like this I hate,
because NOBODY is going to gain anything from it. Wang Yang will lose AGAIN, so he gains nothing, and Masters will, again,
prove that he can beat guys who always lose, so he gains nothing. And in the mean time, we have to WATCH the damn thing, so
if anything we are the ones being cheated! Think about it. There has to be a lawsuit in there somewhere... Anyway, the match
is power power power, with Wang Yang playing ‘rag-doll’ like a champ. Finish sees him throw a crossbody, but get
caught by Masters who throws him into the air and catches him in the Masterlock from there. Well, at least they kept it short.
Masters. Was that a hypothetical question?
Enter Khali. I would say he DESTROYS Wang Yang, but that would look EFFECTIVE.
So what he actually does is hit his weak-ass chokebomb. Lame. He then issues a GARRRRRBERNHAGGGHMAR. Which apparently is ‘retard’
for open challenge.
Now that guy called Festus and that other one are on my screen taking up time that I could be watching
paint dry or reading one of Joe Merrick’s rants. Heh, one to me.
Match 3:- The Major Brothers vs. Some Major Jobbers.
Okay, this is a boring jobber
match, so instead, you get…
Recently there have been some huge blows to the wrestling
industry, and this is where I shall tackle them head on. So, my first issue:-
Anvil Discusses:- Steroids.
way I see it is that there is a huge problem with steroids in wrestling. I mean, seriously, a big big problem. Of course,
the problem is that not enough wrestlers take them. I mean, look at The Big Show. If he’d been on the juice, would he
bare such a startling resemblance to a beached whale? No, the guy would still be moonsaulting from the top rope! And what
if Little Spike Dudley had been on the Big Vitamins? Would we have had to sit through the LSD gimmick, in which he was basically
Eugene on…. Well… LSD? NO! Because Big Spike Dudley DOESN’T SPELL LSD! AHA, surely you can all see where
I am going with this!
And what is a little roid rage between you and a friend!? I’d have a lot more respect for
Michael Cole if instead of resembling a drtowned rat, he got on the juice, pumped up into Big Poppa Cole, and lost his temper
whenever JBL called him ‘boy’. Fuck, the game needs more steroids. Who’s with me? Anyone? …
yes, The Majors won.
Rey Mysterio is back soon, and since He Who Must Not Be Named died, he already has a heel gimmick
ready for the running. All he need do is wear an armband saying CB and there is another corpse lined up and ready to ride
into the main event.
Match Four:- Finlay vs Flair.
Heh, sweet. They
may be old, but I’m telling you, this will be good.
Old school start. Face-off, lock up, clean break by Finlay.
Finlay overpowers Flair again and punches him around a little in the corner. Finlay has control here, but the Dirtiest Player
whips out the ol’ thumb to the eye. Chops etc until Flair gets backdropped, and as usual, lands on his hip. That hip
must hurt so damn bad I can’t fathom it. Finlay locks in some submissions forcing Flair to the rope. I’m being
very respectful here, not cracking any jokes, but God knows I wanna. To the outside, and then back in with a couple of huge
chop blocks that Finlay sells like they just blew out his knee. Figure four reversed into a Small Package for two. Finlay
had a small package there. GEDDIT? This is gold my son, pure gold. Anyway, Hornswoggle runs in, gets chopped, runs away, but
it is enough for a shillleighleighleigh shot to the leg and the Celtic Knot to finish.
Victoria and Torrie in the back. Now there is a pair of golden oldies that I would willingly motor-boat.
Anyway, they say some stuff and do some stuff, but who cares? The point is, they have boobs.
Khali kills somebody
in the back. As that got him hired before, surely that should be a goddamn promotion? You know, like out of the ring and into
an office? Please?
Match Five:- Kenny Dykstra vs. Chuck Palumbo.
Erm… what!? Anyway, Kenny controls most of the match, but Chuck punches him and hits the Black
Hole Slam, I think, for the win. Seriously, on a scale of one to pissed, that match comes below ‘watching my gran menstruate’
on things that I REALLY wanna see. I mean, who in the blue hell cares!?
Mark Henry says something,
but unfortunately my complete lack of interest is slightly louder. That’s four segments in a row that I could have lived
without, but one had boobs, so we’ll let it off on good behaviour.
Match Six:- Deuce
Oh dear creeping Jesus. Cut to…
Anvil Discusses:- Early Deaths.
A lot of wrestlers
die real early. Which sucks. Because it’s never the ones you want it to be. I mean, scenario for you…
Vince! The Miz is… dead.
Vince:- Oh dear god. Scrap the show, we’ll run a tribute show of his best matches
Agent:- But Vince… what the hell do we play??
Vince:- I’M THINKING! I’m thinking. Right,
run some old Benoit matches.
Agent:- But Vince, I don’t think our sponsers would be…
Vince:- I DON’T
KNOW WHAT THE FUCK ELSE TO DO!!!
See? Much more pleasing scenario.
Anyway, the match is interrupted by Khali,
who… throws some more weak looking offence. Seriously, I’d rather get hit by Khali than Hornswaggle. I mean it.
Anyway, nobody is brave enough to take the challenge blah blah, so Batista enters for the staredown.
You see, the
problem with that open challenge was there is NOBODY in the back that I actually WANT to see wrestle Khali. I mean, not a
damn person. Khali vs. Basista will suck eggs.
Smackdown today has seen some good action, but all told, it’s
all been mostly forgettable. This is why I hate Smackdown. Because the potential is there but the effort is minimal.
Main Event? The Cutting Edge. See what I mean?
Sign Guy has done himself proud here with Edge Sucks signs. Not original,
but effective en masse. Anyway, when Edge finds out that his guest is Kane, his reaction is so priceless that I forget how
disappointed I am that… you know… his guest is Kane. Anyway, Edge boasts about how he is a three time champ to
Kane’s one reign, to which Kane responds with ‘I Don’t Like You’, and punches Edge out of the ring.
Edge says that he will never step foot in the ring with Kane again, which sounds like a cue to me! Teddy Long comes out and
announces that Edge will be facing Kane for the title at the Bash. DUM DUM DUMMM!
Anybody remember when Number One
Contenders had to be the second best? Nah, me neither. Outdated nonsensical illogical way of thinking, that.
Stored In The Swagbag:- Matt vs. MVP. Great PPV calibre match. Props to Flair and Finlay too.
Condemned to the Dungeon:- Three squash matches? I mean really? Is it 1982 up in
Anyway, I’m off to bed, because its half four in the morning here. I have been Anvil, and you
have been lucky to have me back.