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SmackDown Rant Archive (July 2006)

July 07, 2006
July 14, 2006
July 21, 2006
July 28, 2006

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (07/07/06)


From the boo to the yah, it’s the Lowdown from Smackdown, coming to you LAHVE from my desk, where such landmarks as a glass, an empty cereal box, staplers, and a toilet roll reside. Yes, all us self-respecting columnists live like this. That’s why Remy’s is so neat and tidy. (See what I did there? Aaah I’m satirical)
Oh ho ho, and do I ever have the surprise for you lot! I couldn’t be any happier with this week’s guest co-recapper! Can I get a ‘fuck yes’? Yeeah I can get a fuck yes.
For you see, I finally got the email back from a mister SAMUEL L JACKSON HIMSELF. That’s right, the star of Snakes on a Plane, Deep Blue Sea, Pulp Fiction, The Incredibles, Star Wars, Rules of Engagement, The Negotiator, Shaft, Sphere, and bit parts in Coming to America and Do the Right Thing. Yup, it stands to reason that I invite someone who just doesn’t know when to fuck off.
And after all, it oughta prove I’m not really racist to all you politically correct types…getting a black dude to work for me. Ya! Go equality! The email itself was kinda sketchy, something along the lines of ‘Motherfucking recaps on a motherfucking website? I’m there!’ A class act all round.
Anyways, on with the motherfucking show.
Lotta guys making their way to the ring, where apparently a battle royal for the right to face Rey at Great American Bash for the title is about to commence.
Number One Contender’s Match – Battle Royal. Starring: Finlay, Matt Hardy, King Booker, and Samuel L Jackson
Highlights of this one include Scotty 2 Hotty getting heel heat from the Philly crowd, booing him and actually shitting on the worm. You know, I tried to make a JBL, AND Lita reference with that last remark, but it’s funnier just the way it is. Because I say so, that’s why.
Thing is, this is where the roster shows just how thin it really is. A Number One Contendership match with the Pitbulls in it, but no Undertaker? Khali and Lashley aren’t even in there, but hey, Simon Dean is in line for a push right? Right?
Scotty then gets clotheslined out by Kennedy to a huge pop, but Kennedy himself gets eliminated which gets heavy heat. Man, this guy is fucking over.. The final three are William ‘All Hail King Booker ‘Regal, Matt ‘Bawl, Wail, Cos I’m a Sucker’ Hardy, and King ‘Not Pale Skin Looker’ Booker himself, with the latter man eliminating the other two for the win. Awesome, Booker vs. Rey at GAB.
What did I gain from this match? – Can I just say hooray for Booker? Seriously, I used to love the guy, then for a couple of years I almost wanted him to retire, just because I seriously lacked any interest in him, but now he’s COMPLETELY rejuvenated. Only problem is…well…he has one thing going against him. If you look at his...skin, for example…or his ‘muscle tone’ if you catch my drift…problem with him is he’s…kinda old. What? What were you thinking?
Kristal is backstage interviewing Rey Mysterio, who welcomes the challenge of Booker T, claiming that he’s just glad it’s not another goddamn hoss that he’s gonna job to every week before getting a fluke win at a PPV because he’s such an underdog yet is the fucking World Heavyweight Champion so therefore completely cancels out the notion that he is an underdog. I may have paraphrased a little.
Sylvan then comes out in his ambassador gear and instigates some funny ass commentary from JBL. Sylvan personally invites everyone to Quebec, which gets ‘I’d rather be in hell’ from JBL. Now that’s no way to talk about Germany after what you did, John. Sylvan then follows up with a horribly boring promo showing us pictures of Quebec and then just smiling before pissing off. Yep, this’ll get him over, when we can’t even tell if he’s being heel or face.
Miz tells us all that Batista is here, and now I’m forgetting he existed.
Next match is underway:
Man who possibly likes to play TWISTUUUUUUUUUUUUH…aka KEN-EH-DAY vs. Super Crazy
Kennedy does his usual schtick, which the crowd loves, but Crazy’s music interrupts it. I think it’d be hilariously out of place for Super Crazy to come out to ‘Craaaazy….crazy for feeling!’ but that’s me. I make stupid-ass jokes.
Kennedy then clotheslines Super Crazy and tosses him out of the ring, before slamming Super’s head into the ringpost and apron. The most appalling thing though? He is VERBALLY ASSAULTING the poor young man. Now come on, Kennedy, smash his head into objects all ya want, but insults? That’s just mean.
Back In the ring Crazy escapes a headlock by Ken, and after a headscissors, is downed once again by a Kennedy clothesline. After another headlock by Ken, Crazy ‘Mexes up’ and hits some punches, before getting hit with a knee to the gut.
After a while though Crazy gets some momentum and hits a hiptoss and some dropkicks, and a Russian Legsweep, before scaling the top rope. Psicosis then runs in and distracts Super Crazy, allowing Kennedy to hit the Electric chair drop, and the Kenton for the win.
What did I gain from this match? – How does Ken Kennedy like his eggs? BEN-EH-DIIICT.
Backstage Tatanka is interviewed by Kristal, and shows just how AWFUL his mic work is. But then again, those Native American Mantra chants were kinda motononous. Not to mention that they did most of their talking via smoke signal. Dude, that’d be awesome if Tatanka cut a promo by setting something on fire and using the smoke. Preferably Mark Henry. The hills are aliiiive with the smell of fried chickeeeen….oh, I hope that didn’t offend you Mister L Jackson.
Samuel: Normally yo' ass would be dead as fucking fried chicken right now, but you happen to pull this s*** while I'm in a transitional period and I don't want to kill you.
Oh, well that’s good then. I think.
Anyways,. Daivari is now shown admiring a casket, before asking it be brought to ringside. Yes, because all sports arenas and stadiums are careful to provide complimentary fucking caskets ever since the Owen Hart incident right? Or wait, it may be Khali’s lunchbox. You think Funaki can breathe in there….but then again, I don’t see a sign saying ‘dead jap storage’ eh, Samuel? Nyeheheheeh, pop culture reference.
After the commercial the casket is beside the ring and Daivari is in the ring itself. He introduces Khali and then sends a message to Taker, saying if he accepts Khali’s challenge, his career will be buried. Ok, yeah, encourage him to accept won’t you? How about telling us what a fucking Punjabi Prison match is? Imagine the horror, of being stuck in a cell, forced to have a diet of water and…chicken korma with light spices and a sensual coconut milk flavouring, with a creamy texture, and perfectly moist long grain rice with light peppering. THE HORROR.
Anyway, Tatanka is out for the match:
 The Great Khali w/ Daivari vs. Tatanka – Who’s The Best Indian Match
Tatanka gets booted out as soon as he gets in, and then gets tossed into the ringpost. After being put back in, he is chokebombed, and…that’s it. Oh.
What did I gain from this match? – So, I guess Real Indian > Fake Indian
Post match, Khali tries to put Tatanka in the casket…wait, you mean to tell me Daivari was admiring the casket to fit Tatanka in? When clearly guys like Ric Flair would need it more. That’s just selfish, Daivari. Gaaawd. Anyway, smoke suddenly appears and the Undertaker’s voice is on the speakers, telling Khali he accepts his challenge, and then adds that if Orton, Heidenreich and Booker T can’t make this SAME EXACT FEUD work, then you can’t, horseface. Again, I may be a bit inaccurate, little from column A, little from column B.
Diva Search something or other starts but I’m not bothering with it.
Vito in a dress vs. Psicosis in a mess – Joe likes to make stupid rhymes match (Aka John Cena match)
Psicosis seems a little uncomfortable with regards to tying up with Vito, and who can blame him? I mean, Italy go so far in the World Cup, and they didn’t even let Mexicool compete! (Tm Sean Carless)
Anyways, this is clearly just a comedy match, and Vito is actually pretty funny whilst he torments Psicosis. The match gets underway though, with Psicosis hitting a suplex before…slapping Vito on the ass? This makes Vito a little mad, as it does with JBL, who takes exception to the method being used. ‘There’s no soap!’ he cries. But then again, I’m a little sketchy on it.
So, not content with exposing Gersh AND Cameron to Man-Arse, apparently I have to be subjected to it as well. Thanks, Vince, I’m a real fan of Vito now. Dipfuck.
Psicosis soon hits a camel clutch to brekisbakmekimhumbell, but lets it go so he can kick him in the face. He tries for a suplex but gets reversed, then Crazy comes out who distracts Psicosis so he can get hit with the Bustina Di Tè (Italian for teabag, dontcha know)
What did I gain from this match? – I loved Vito’s choice of fashion this week…um, no, I didn’t say that, I mean, erm…he’s a faggot. Yes, eloquent.
Samuel: Hold onto your butts!
Shut up, Jackson.
Backstage Booker is with Regal and Sharmell drinking champagne. [insert black joke here]
Pitbulls are out next:
Pitbulls (Kid Kash and Jamie Noble) vs. Funki (Scotty 2 Hotty and Funaki)
Meh. Another somewhat squash of a match with Pitbulls coming out on top.
What did I gain from this match? – Really Funaki should have had a bit of an advantage. Doesn’t his country eat dogs? Oh wait, that’s Korean. Haha, oh me and my wonderfully ignorant antics.
Backstage Regal is with Finlay, talking until Little Bastard starts humping Regal’s leg. Why does Vince think this is all midgets do? Remember Mini-dust? No? Come to think of it I don’t either…
Next match:
Bobby Lashley vs. Gregory Helms – Champion vs. Champion match
Lashley does some power stuff on Helms to start off, then hitting a suplex for a nearfall. He follows with a sweet clothesline in the corner, and tries for a Dominator but gets a rake to the eyes before he can hit it, and gets a neckbreaker from Helms. He then kicks Lashley and slaps on a chokehold. Lashley manages to lift Helms up though whilst standing and hits a sidewalk slam. He then converts a press slam into the dominator for the win.
What did I gain from this match? – I’d like to share with you my idea for booking Helms on SD. Ok, here’s how to get Helms really over.
Have him beat some random cruiserweight, then he issues an open challenge to the back, to ANY cruiserweight. He waits for a little bit, until…
YES! CM Punk comes out in a green mask, because once Vince heard ‘Straight Edge’ he thought that meant you were some kind of superhuman. Hey, it worked for Kane, right?
Henry is on the titantron, probably because he’s too big to fit in the ring now. He says Batista’s comeback will be the shortest in history.
Speaking of which, Batista is here! HUGE pop. Sweet fuck. He gets in and tells Henry to get out here now. He does, but he very much takes his time getting there, and he then smiles before trying to retreat back up, but Rey comes in from behind! Ya! Did you know he’s the World Heavyweight champion? I know!
Rey gets bitched out AGAIN after being thrown into the barrier, but Batista is after Henry and throws him into the steps. After some punches and a boot, he smacks Henry with the steps on the head, and he starts bleeding/ Oh fuck yes, this is already the best segment featuring Henry. Make that the best thing EVER to feature Henry. Batista follows with some chairshots to the back, just to get the job done. He stands over Henry to the crowd’s ovation. End show.
What pleased me? – Batista! Teh Big Dave is teh sexxorz! Or something.
What pissed me off? The Khali/Tatanka thing was frightfully stupid, and I wish Taker could be bothered to do a different feud whenever he decides to do some work for WWE, for fuck sake.
Well, thanks to my guest once more for this week’s recap! Say ta-bye to the fans, Samuel.
Samuel: I'm a mushroom cloud laying motherfucker, motherfucker.
Samuel: Say "what" again. SAY "WHAT" AGAIN! I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker! Say "what" one more goddamn time!
…See you all next week, Lowdowners!
I sell other people’s columns for money.
I don’t often do this but I decided to do some pimping for the site, seeing as there’s so much goodness at the moment. First off there’s Cameron’s
RAW Rant and Gersh’s ECW on Sci Fi recap, and check out Remy’s new Diatribe. James Walker and I conspired to give you what may happen to RVD and Sabu in the near future with Rob Van Damned and of course, there’s the new guy Martin Ferguson, so show some love.
Also, check back soon for a NEW One Year Anniversary Addition of the
Low Blow. Sayonara, scouts.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick 

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (07/14/06)


My friends, I recap before you a changed man. You see, this past week I had a very real and a completely serious revelation. Now I know you want to get to the recap but I feel this is important to tell. You see it started a few nights ago, where I got a message. A message from a certain organisation, see if you can guess who it is by looking at it:


I wanted to show you the power of my words. YES! Niggers - I am intent on leading a black uprising, for we shall no longer be SLAVES to the common man. We are, after all, the dominant force in world culture today. People listen to black music, wear black clothes, eat black food; our athletes are the world's supreme examples of human achievement, and we are the most attractive to the ladies. Black Power must be launched to ensure that this continues for centuries to come. We MUST have a black Prime Minister by 2010, in order to secure the future for our brothers and sisters. Are you down with me, nigga?. Oh yes. Never lose sight of the black, black might. Peace”


Yes, I got an email from the BLACK KKK. Now of course at first I thought this was just a joke, so I replied as such:


Samuel L Jackson is totally awesome. Did you see him in that one movie, with the serial killer doing all that religious shit? Oh wait, that might have been Morgan Freeman. Kickass movie though!

Anyway. nice of you to email me. Where can I sign up for this 'black' thing you're talking about? Cos I did used to listen to Dr Dre. Was he a real doctor? After all those shootings he might be able to perform surgery on himself~!

Peace, my n-word.”


It went over surprisingly well, considering. It then turns out that it was indeed legit, and because of my positive attitude, he then bestowed me a rather unusual honour. He deemed me an ‘Honourable Negro’. That’s right.


I’m considered BLACK.


Don’t believe me? Check this one out:


By joining our Klan you'll be fighting for a noble cause, ending the persecution of blacks. Also, we will be able to provide you with Negro immunity meaning you will be recognised as a fellow black, despite pigmentation appearance and will allow you access into special Negro foundations and clubs.”


Like I’m gonna turn down the opportunity to be more protected than Mark fucking Henry. Now some of you may laugh at this, but after some thought I realised this is no laughing matter. After careful consideration I have come to the realisation that I am indeed being PERSECUTED, as are my people.


To prove my sincerity I am denouncing Joe Merrick as my slave name, and shall from now on be known as Joehammad Merrickhali. But you can call me the AWESOME Khali. That's right. Let it be known that I will not rest until I achieve freedom!


Now on with the motherfucking recap, whities.


The show starts with Booker cutting a promo about how he’s gonna win the WWE title. Preach it, brutha, bout time black folks got some opportunities. Rey comes out and disputes this, because…well, it’d be a really sucky promo if he didn’t, wouldn’t it? Although the way they’re booking Rey at the moment they might as WELL have him come out and say ‘I’m soo gonna get my ass kicked.’ Least that way he’s not giving us false hope. Scratch that, I DO hope he gets his ass kicked.


Anyway, that leads us to the first match:


Slept with your SIST-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH…KEN-EH-DAY vs. Matt Hardy


Kennedy gets on the mic and apologises for the lack of star power in the ring with him. Try the whole lockeroom, dude. Nice little match ensues, with Hardy getting the advantage on Kennedy early with a back suplex that gets a nearfall.


After this, Kennedy manages to get on the top rope, and jump outside the ring whilst holding Hardy’s head over the top rope. That, apparently, was the only ‘boy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoing!’ action Hardy has had in months.  Kennedy gets back in and works on the left arm of Matt, and gets a nearfall. More working on it after a snapmare, and interrupts Hardy’s comeback by yanking him onto the mat. He then climbs onto the top rope but Hardy gets to him, and gives him the predictable superplex.


As they get up, they’re punching away at each other, which is followed by a side effect. Twist of Fate attempt gets reversed, as Kennedy goes for the pin but Hardy’s foot is on the rope.


Hardy then manages to pull off a small package on Kennedy and…gets the win? Dat just strait ignant, dawg.. So much for his hefty push, cos we all know it’s Matt Hardy’s time to shine. He is the future, after all, because he has no choice. HE WILL NEVER DIE.


What did I gain from this match? – The mental image of an emo Ken Kennedy. MelAN-CHO-LYYY.


Never gets old. To me anyway.


Anyways, stupid Diva Hour now, as Kristal and McCool are dissing the Diva Search contestants and the former winners, which gets interrupted by Ashley and some blonde bimbo I don’t even know coming in and causing a cat-fight. Cos, you know, that’s TEH  HOTTEST FING EVAR.


Khali is out now, and I dunno, the guy is kinda growing on me. Get it? Growing? Tall? Of course it’s funny. You a racist or something?


Khali and Daivari are on the ramp and Daivari is saying how Taker is a coward because we don’t see him but he talks to us. So then he calls out Taker, who appears in the middle of the ring after the usual gong and bell crap. He then summons lightning to strike, but it barely misses Daivari, and Khali doesn’t flinch. Yeah, um, Taker? Why didn’t you just fry them. Oh ho, are those not the only blanks that you fire? Ahaha, sexual innuendo.


Khali tries to go to the ring but Daivari repeatedly stops him, so he simply goes to the back. WAIT! I wanna know what the FUCK A PUNJABI PRISON MATCH IS.


Meh. Anyways, next match up:


Paul London w/ Brian Kendrick vs. Pitbull Noble w/ Pitbull Kash


Short match, but indeed decent. Noble gets the jump on London first, gaining the advantage. He continues this despite an attempted roll up from London, and then smacks on a headlock. He rubs London’s face in the mat, but he comes back and manages to hit Noble in the back of the head with a dropkick, very nice. The tag partners get involved here, which leads Noble to hit a Back Cracker type move for the win.


What did I gain from this match? – Wow, for once WWE depicts a realistic presentation. Dogs > London, that’s for damn sure.


Sylvan yet again is telling us to go to Quebec. For fuck sake , why can’t WWE let a gimmick actually GO somewhere? Remember Trevor Murdoch’s movie reviews? Exactly.


Long is now in the ring for a dumb contract signing. Honestly, these segments are so God damn stupid. Long tells both men that they can’t attack each other or they will forfeit their number one contender status.





Yeah, even black dudes hate him. It’s guys like Henry that make the rest of us almost want to give up on the whole uprising thing. Anyways, nice line from JBL as he calls batiste a coward for relinquishing the title for a hangnail whilst he wrestled with a broken back. Paha. Some boring stuff happens with Batista saying how its awesome to be back, rah rah rah, he says he missed Smackdown, and I can’t say I blame him. All my friends would rather watch Desperate Housewives. Queers. “Live at the Apollo” for me. Word up, brutha.


Anyways, he picks up a little by saying that all he worked for was taken away by Henry, and says how whilst he was sitting at home, Henry was running rampant on SD. I’d say more ‘waddling’ but there you go, wrestlers aint no thesauruses. Henry is then out and he gets on the mi and says ‘last week was the worst beating of my life, but no one makes me bleed’. That’ll be because your arteries are more food than blood, right? (He bleeds KETCHUP for Christ’s sake) anyway, the signing is done, and Batista gets up and destroys the table. That’s what I did when the waiter automatically assumed I wanted fried chicken, the racist bastard. So what if I was in KFC? He didn’t have to assume!


Finlay vs. Lashley – US Title Match


Another nice match, with my nigga pushing Finlay into the corner to start things off. After a bit Lashley hits a delayed suplex, which makes Finlay roll out of the ring to recover. After getting back in, he hits Lashley with some stiff shots and a short arm clothesline. Lashley tries to get some momentum but is downed by a Drop Toehold and a crossface sort of move.


The hold gets broken, and Finlay boots Lashley. He manages to get some steam though, and clotheslines Finlay repeatedly, following up with a belly to belly. Finlay rolls out again and then chucks in 4 chairs. Somehow I don’t think he’s setting up for his book club or whatever.


He still gets beat down by Lashley though, who proceeds to chuck the stick (as opposed to his spear) up the entrance ramp. Little Bastard gets out though and gives Finlay back his weapon, and after the ref is distracted, he clocks Lashley and…wins the US title. Wow.


What did I gain from this match? – Lashley is being held down by the MAN.


Seriously though, don’t referees find it a tad suspicious that just as they’re not looking, the guy who was perfectly fine a moment ago is now ON THE FLOOR BLEEEDING? Use some common SENSE.


Segment with Vito shopping shows, billing him as the toughest man to wear a dress. I’m pretty sure Roddy Piper would dispute that. And Remy.


Now why is it that they don’t think the Divas are annoying enough, they have to stick Miz in there too? He’s out telling all the divas how good they look. You know how they’d look better? Inside out with their entrails hanging off a chainsaw.


Oh screw this, seriously. I don’t care enough to do it properly and I doubt you care too. So instead, here’s a pic of me with my posse:




Rey Mysterio vs. William Regal – Jobber vs. Jobber match – Non title


Booker and Sharmell watch from the sidelines, but Booker is attempting to distract Rey. Who would have known that sticking two guys who they always make lose would make a hell of a better match than when they stick them with guys like Lashley or Henry? Anyways, Regal starts it off wit ha headlock, and after smacking Rey down onto the mat, he goes for the pin three times. Gotta give props to our British determination. I once tried to pin a girl down three times too.


Anyway, Booker constantly tries to distract Rey, and Regal carries on through the match using dirty tactics, which the ref continually scolds him for, such as awkwardly throwing Rey onto the ropes. After Rey gets a little more momentum there’s some innovative spots followed up wit ha dropkick or two and a bronco buster. Nice moonsault by Rey next and the nhits the 619 for the win.


What did I gain from this match? – Stuff.


Post match, Booker tries to get in but gets greeted with a 619 outside the ringpost. Rey celebrates as the show goes off the air.


New Features!


To celebrate my newfound heritage I shall now be rating the shows as follows, and also, shall be giving you a unique insight into my blending in to my new life as an honorary Negro, with a weekly update. Enjoy


AWWW JHYEEEAH – This was the best SD in a while, simply because of good matches and nowhere near as much shit. They still need to elevate the new guys better though.


DAYUM – Worst thing was obviously the Divas/Miz crap. To be rated worse than Mark Henry? That takes a special kind of dipshit.


Well, then, honkies, see you all next time with my brand newly refreshed SD recappery, and just so you all know: I have gone black, and I ain’t going back. Peace.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.


Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (07/21/06)


Heya, Honkies. Oh wait, did I spell that right? Oooh yeah I forgot, I don’t care.


You might be interested to know I’m not in the best of moods. For one, even after my public revelation, TWF has decided not to adapt accordingly, still referring to me by my slave name. I am being PERSECUTED by this very website. Clearly. Hey, ask Booker Bear, we be tight, y’allz.


Also I can’t say I’m overly pleased with WWE’s latest actions involving fellow Negro Bobby Lashley. It seems they thought it would be pretty funny to put the poor man through THIS:



Oh har har, yes, the old Joe would have made a crack about how this is reminiscent of that scene in the Green Mile, and probably would have added ‘I’m afraid of the dark hoss’ just for good measure. But NOT ME. I find this terribly offensive! I…wait…I fucked up didn’t I?


Oh damn it, on with the recap.


Long comes out to the ring and kick things off. How do you say, holla? He announces that Mark Henry was injured at SNME, and Scarlett Johannson just came into the room offering blowjobs and many other equally delightful treats. Or at least, it seems that way. Seriously though, now that Henry is having surgery, I can only imagine how it’s going:


*Cut to*


Doctor 1: That’s strange…he’s oozing a luminous green fluid…


Doctor 2: If it bleeds, we can kill it.


Doctor 1: Just the surgery will do fine, Greg.


Doctor 2: But I wannaaaaa!


*Cut back*


Yes. Anyway, Long then tells us who Batista’s new opponent is, and reveals it to be Mister Kennedy! Yes! Finally he’s getting that big push. I mean, he’ll be being pushed right back to OVW after Batista annihilates him, but hey, a PPV match is a PPV match, right?


Kennedy tries to use the mic but Long refrains him, so the lights dim, and instead of a gong we get a mic descending. Hmm, Undertaker’s really not putting much effort into scaring people these days is he? Anyways, Kennedy declares he’s gonna face Batista at GAB and defeat him, which brings out the Animal himself. He makes fun of Henry’s ‘sore knee’ and says Kennedy will do fine to take out his frustrations on/. Kennedy though, then offers a handshake. Batista reluctantly responds, but Kennedy snatches away and leaves with a smirk. And there’s your match at GAB: BaTISTUUUUUUUUUUH…….KEN-EH-DAY!


First match ahoy:



Pitbull Kash w/ Pitbull Noble vs. Brian Kendrick w/ Paul London


Kash jumps Kendrick to start it off but Kendrick fends him off. There’s a lot of fast paced exchange here, very back and forth, until Kash manages to dropkick Kendrick’s knee, who sells it like he was, I dunno, Mark Henry? Yes, I take so much solace in Henry being in physical pain, that I cant help but reference it. God bless sadism.


Anyways, Kash ruthlessly attacks that knee and works on it, whilst JBL compares the Pitbulls to the APA. Ah yes, totally understandable. I can totally see the T-shirts ‘Don’t take it Personal. It’s just Mating Season.’ That’d probably excuse Bradshaw’s infamous ‘Always Pounding Ass’ shirt from a while ago. Figure four, but Kendrick manages to reach the ropes and escape. Kash opts to carry on stomping away at Kendrick, but Kash manages to miss a spot so Kendrick takes advantage and works over him. Noble tries to get in on the action but gets knocked away, which leads to Kendrick rolling up Kash for a near fall.


London is on the outside trying to chase Noble but gets stopped by the ref. Noble takes the advantage and helps Kash by interrupting Kendrick’s finisher (Sliced Bread #2) and then handing Kendrick over to be hit by the brainbuster. Kash is the winner.


What did I gain from this match? – I wish JR was calling this match. ‘KENDRICK TRIED TO NEUTER/SPAY THAT MAN OF HIS DIGNITY’


Long is backstage now trying to coax Chavo into coming out of retirement. Come on, man, Hulk Hogan does it all the time, and look at the sweet life he’s getting. Booker interrupts though and demands a match with Rey, to which Chavo gets angry about Rey not getting any respect. However, Long decides to consider the match, much to Chavo’s disbelief.


After the commercial we’re backstage again and this time Long and Chavo are talking to Rey. Long asks Rey if he wants the match, but Chavo discourages him. Rey then reminds him that Booker is not a 350lb hoss so he is less likely to have to job to him like a little bitch. So he accepts. Ok, he accepted, but he may not have said all that ‘hoss’ stuff….either way, Chavo is riled up.


Oh Christ here come the Divas


Michelle McCool & Kristal vs. Jillian Hall and Ashley


Jillian slams McCool, and hits some sort of cartwheel elbow. McCool comes back with some offence but Hall comes back with the double jump backflip thump into the corner (reminiscent of Chyna. But then again, so is transvestite porn) the match then goes all kinds of boring, with all the girls fighting each other weakly, and just to piss me off even more, the black chick gets pinned by that fake rocker bitch, Ashley. God damn racial undertones.


What did I gain from this match? - Here’s how to make Ashley better. Add an L to her name and suddenly she’ll be spearing those ho’s all over the place! WHORE! WHORE! WHORE!


Khali is out next with Daivari, who basically takes the liberty of telling us YET AGAIN that Taker will not survive. Hey, I got an idea. Instead of killing off Taker again, have him lose (if you must) just so we can see him kneel in the middle of the ring and yell ‘KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL…i.’

No? Not funny? Ok fine. A white guy walks into a bar and says…


Backstage Lashley is with the Miz, who has toned down quite a bit, thank God. Miz asks Lashley what his plan to win the title is tonight. I woulda thought a simple ‘get the 3 count’ was the best answer, but instead, Lashley is given this stinker ‘Finlay is not the only one who loves to fight.’




RAW THOUGHT: Yup, I plan to give my opinions of the other shows whilst I’m at it, and I just thought I’d talk about Cena. You know I’ve realised me and he are not so different. It turns out we are both being oppressed as black men. You see our ancestors were from the Northest point of Africa, so the heavy sun’s rays actually bleached our skin. There is no need to hate the man for who he is, he is simply trying to find his place in society. And honestly, I would be willing to let him join my new club, ‘ The Negros in Guidance Group’ if it weren’t for the fact that he really has no excuse for not getting a fucking STF right. YOU SHAME YOUR ANCESTORS.


Lashley w/ Persecution vs. Finlay w/…Perspiration? Ha, I totally made a funny right there. See how it rhymed and everything? Yeah, I totally rock. Oh, um, yeah, the match


Alright, they scout each other a little bit, until Lashley forces Finlay into the corner, which the Ref breaks up. Staredown, followed by Lashley instigating some nice mat wrestling. They come into contact with the ropes though so the ref breaks it up, and Finlay is selling his arm. No, not literally. I reckon Hardcore Holly won’t be able to do that quite soon…


Anyway, Finlay was playing possum and jumps Lashley with a snapmare and pin attempt. Lashley manages to get some momentum, and hits a snap suplex for two. Finlay gains another advantage though after a kick to the gut and then a stiff uppercut. I mean, that was hard. Like, harder than it is for me to get a cab. Finlay continues to work over Lashley aggressively, even as Lashley is getting to his feet. Lashley shoves Finlay away a few times, which turns into an exchange of shots, (No, not whiskey) but Finlay gains the upper hand after a couple of uppercuts. Lashley is down, legdrop by Finlay, and now a headlock.


Finlay rolls Lashley out of the ring now and then goes after him. Lashley blocks an attack, but Finlay gains another advantage and sticks Lashley back in the ring. Finlay then works over Lashley’s leg in the middle of the ring with a stretch hold. Lashley gets to his feet after the hold is broken and kicks Finlay to the gut. They duke it out, and after Finlay briefly works on the leg some more, Lashley comes back with a clothesline, bodyslam and then press slams Finlay onto his knee. NICE.


Regal interferes though and in the confusion Little Bastard appears and is launched into Lashley’s crotch. Alright this is where it’s getting way too disturbing. (As if keeping a midget in a confined space for use wasn’t disturbing enough already…) after some more working of the leg by Finlay, Lashley finally comes back with a clothesline or two, a Belly to Belly, and a nice hanging suplex. He gets ready for the spear but Regal pulls him down and then attacks him.


Finlay goes to use a chair on Lashley (after removing the top turnbuckle pad) and gets greeted with a boot to the face. Regal then attacks but Lashley CHUCKS THE SPEAR. Finlay however smacks the chair onto Lashley and the Ref calls DQ. Little Bastard comes out again and low blows Lashley, who then gets hit on the noggin with the stick.


What did I gain from this match? –  Damn you, Regal. We have enough problems with Brits getting involved in what isn’t their business. Right, Blair?


Aaand just like a nacho in a sauce made of the remains of a Down’s Syndrome kid in a blender, Smackdown has dipped into retardation. Miz tells us that the Divas are now going to compete in a dance-off. This...really is the most pointless thing I have ever contemplated in my entire life. This ‘dance competition’ was little more than humping, stripping, spazzing out and the splits. Hear that noise? That’s my IQ hitting the floor for watching this. Or, it may be the ratings dropping.


After this Sylvan is backstage, approaching STARS like Tatanka, Matt Hardy and Funaki, urging them to go to Quebec, then leaves. Kay.


ECW THOUGHT: Me, personally? I loved how everybody was KUNG FU FIGHTIIING!



Anyways, next match up:


Psychosis vs. Super Crazy


Helms is out doing commentary. It's a battle to determine Mexico's  Mexicool's favourite son, and apparently the winner gets a shot at the cruiserweight title.The loser has to cut grass all by his lonesome (It's much easier to mow when you have a partner to hold the bag for you.). Fun match that sees Super Crazy hit a couple of really cool spots including a missile dropkick that sends Psychosis out of the ring, then following that up with a moonsault to the floor. Finish comes when Psychosis gets caught with a flying headscissors by Crazy into a forward roll and gets the pin.


Winner: Supes.


What did I gain from this match? – Surely SUPER Crazy would have been a better adversary for the Hurricane and not a metrosexual?


And here we go with our main event:


King Booker vs. Mysterious King (English for Rey Mysterio…I think)


Booker overpowers Rey, but Rey attacks Booker’s legs. 619 attempt fails after Booker moves out of the way, but Rey hits an over the top rope senton. Rey gets Booker back in, but get jumped as he goes after Booker. He then hits Rey with some clotheslines and a nice superkick for a near fall. Gotta say, that isn’t exactly the traditional attack method for holding up a Wendy’s but then again I’m just the black guy in training aint I!


After some offence Booker hits a rope-assisted vertical suplex on Rey. Like you really needed help picking up that guy, dawg. He then hits a headlock. Rey manages to get to his feet, though, escapes, and runs to the top to get a crossbody, but Book catches him and slams him down. Pwned.


As Booker attacks, he yells ‘Eddie can’t help you’ at Rey. For Christ’s sake. he chops Rey a bit, and whips him, but Rey comes back with a bulldog. He then takes out Booker’s legs and gets a near fall after hitting a top rope senton. Booker is now in the corner, and the ref misses Rey hitting a slide dropkick to Booker’s crotch. 619 attempt again but Sharmell interferes and Booker comes back with a Bookend. Rey gets his foot on the rope, so it’s only a two. He then goes for a scissors kick but Chavo comes in and stops him, leading to a 619 and pin from Rey.


What did I gain from this match? – Well it’s nice to see Rey going against that stereotype of Mexicans coming to America and taking jobs.


End Show.


AWWW JHYEEEEAH –  Despite the Divas match, there were some solid encounters here, very good for building the PPV.


DAYUM –  Again, the Divas. The match was AWFUL and the Dance off was truly truly ridiculous. Who loves it enough to demand 3 series of it?



And now debuting my new feature:




Yes sir, as I promised I will keep you up to date on my journey to becoming a full-fledged Negro. To be honest, I had a bit of a shaky week to start with. Turns out I’m allergic to watermelon and the baggy trousers fit me perfectly!


Also, Where on earth am I supposed to pick up or sign up for one of those ‘race cards’ I always hear about? They sound like they’re pretty handy for getting you out of sticky situations!


On the plus side, though, at least Lowdown on Smackdown is more apt than ever. You betta recognise!


See you all next week, negros and shegros!

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick 

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (07/28/06)


Welcome back, tighty whiteys, to my never-ending suffering and persecution known as Smackdown recapping. I tell ya, the next Martin Luther King, me. I have a dream. And that dream is of a world where lugs like Great Khali are pushed aside for talented players like Gunner and Burchill, and where the roster isn’t thinner than Linsey Lohan in, like, a really cramped room full of…Sumo wrestlers.


Seriously, at this rate of Smackdown guys being picked off one by one off the roster, there ain’t gonna BE a Smackdown soon, so nothing for me to recap. And it’s just fucking typical that as soon as I become a black man, WWE tries to put me out of a job. What next, they gonna send some security guards to follow me round whilst I shop for groceries? Tis madness!


Anyways, let’s start the show off with our first match:




Kennedy does his usual mic schtick. I wonder if Kennedy is married? I can just picture the wedding, the Priest saying ‘I know pronounce you Mist-‘ before the groom covers his mouth with his hand, yelling ‘MISTUUUUUH and MISSUUUUS…KEN-EH-DAY’.


Shit I’m funny. Short match where Kennedy tries to work the leg of Batista, but the fight tumbles to the outside. There, Batista misses a clothesline and hits the ringpost. Kennedy barely manages to get in before the count-out, but Batista isn’t as lucky. Wait, what?


Winner by Count-out: Kennedy


What did I gain from this match? - I don’t want either man to job, really, but well done on booking yourself into the corner with this one, Vince. Batista is looking less like a hungry competitor for his title and more like a moron running into a wall because he thinks there’s candy behind it.


Interview from Chavo who claims he is in Stamford and not Detroit for ‘personal’ reasons. From what I’ve heard, there are plenty of reasons other than ‘personal’ NOT to visit Detroit, but there you go.


Well, the thin roster is really showing now, as we get the HOTLY ANTICIPATED rematch of Dean and Vito:


Simon Dean vs. Vito – So Good, You Had to See it Twice


Eh, a bit of a stupid match, seeing as we’ve seen it before. Nothing new, Dean tries to dominate the match but gets hit with an Implant DDT and Vito’s submission, taps out.


Winner: Vito


What did I gain from this match? – Anyone else notice how Vito kinda looks like an Orc? He shouldn’t be wearing a dress, he should be bludgeoning people with cumbersome objects whilst yelling incoherently! Worked for HHH (Let’s just hope his parental skills don’t resemble that…)


Miz is interviewing Rey now, and he asks him what he thinks of Chavo. Rey says the only thing he’s focusing on is the world title. So, um, yeah. You needed to know that.


Next match:


Sylvan (?!) vs. Tatanka


Man, the card is really suffering here. Although, I’m glad the relations between Indians and the French has broken down like this. Those bastards declared war on us English like centuries ago (*The More You Know!). I thought it was bad enough I had to be angry at white people, Irish people and Americans, now I gotta be angry at Indians and French too? I should keep a memo. Anyways  Tatanka ends up getting hit by a dropkick but comes back with a Samoan Drop. Two count. However, Sylvan hits a low blow and then a TKO for the win.


Winner: Sylvan


What did I gain from this match? - It took half the roster to take time off for them to stop Sylvan’s stupid promos and stick him in a match? Way to be MOTIVATED, guys, Jesus.


Oh cracka on a stick, here come the Divas. Wait, hang on, I need to practice my ebonics. Ahem…I say, Kristal has quite the tight arse, what what? I would very much like to get me some brown sugar, rather, how you say, bellee dat.


Yeah. That’s hot.


Michelle McCool w/ Kristal w/ fly titties, yo vs. Jillian Hall w/ Ashley w/ Oh my, I would hit that like roadkill indeed.


I sincerely doubt that any of you think this is worth recapping, so I’ll keep it brief. Michelle manages to get the pin, with some rope assistance, and that’s it. Gah.


What did I gain from this match? – I wish the Diva Search contestants used some rope assistance. If you catch my drift am I right?


King Champion Booker is out now, and I gotta wonder how many more words you can stick in front of his name. maybe ‘HEY THAT’S MY MONEY!’ Ha, topical. Seriously though, kudos to Booker for proving black men besides Mark Henry deserve to be in the main event. And HHH doubted you!


Anyways, Rey interferes cos he’s a fighting competitor of course, despite having his ass handed to him on several occasions. He attacks Booker with a senton, then a 619, and, you know, pretty by the books, I guess. 


Backstage, Finlay is with Regal. They talk about their childhood, and Regal claims Finlay booted him in the face when they were kids. Rumour has it he also kept a midget under the desk to distract the teachers if he hadn’t one any homework. Good to know people grow out of bad habits, though, eh? Oh wait.



William Regal vs. Finlay – U.S. Championship match, despite not containing anyone from the U.S. FALSE ADERTISING.


Good match. Finlay dominates at first but Regal takes it to the outside, hitting a slingshot into the ringpost. They get back in, and the ref is trying to recover the turnbuckle.


Finlay then shows he is in fact part Japanese as he suddenly pulls a small ball from his tights (yowch) and goes ‘Little Bastard, I CHOOSE YOU!’ Kay, he didn’t really, but pretty awesome image huh? Anyway, Lil bastard does the dirty work by low blowing Regal with the stick, whilst the Ref is busy fixing the turnbuckle that Regal previously uncovered. This leads to Finlay getting the pin.


What did I gain from this match? – I’m torn. See, I dunno if I should be angry  that the English guy lost, the Irish guy is shown as a cheater (I’m part Irish, ya see) or that there isn’t a black man winning the US title!


So the Diva Search is next but really, need I say more than this:








That’s seriously more boob than you’re ever gonna see on WWE TV. I just saved you 15 fucking minutes.

Heyman is backstage with Long, telling him he overstepped his jurisdiction by including Big Show in the Punjabi Prison match. Long of course asks what Heyman’s gonna do about it, so he openly challenges Long to send any SD guy to ECW. Oh for fuck SAKE. So Long picks Batista, because apparently, that’s the only way they can think of letting Batista win a match. By burying another brand. Gah.


Next match features a newcomer:


Sylvester Turkay vs. Matt Hardy


Very much a monumental squash. The new guy ends up choking out Hardy, even though it’s called as a submission.


What did I gain from this match? – For God’s sake, we’ve seen enough ‘UFC style’ characters, there’s nothing new in it. If even HEIDEN-FUCKING-REICH can do it better, there is no hope for this guy.


Anyways, time for the main event:


King Booker vs. Rey Mysterio – World Heavyweight Championship match


Rey completely dominated at first (WOW) attempts a 619 but Booker evades, and is now outside. After a commercial Booker is now attempting a Scissors kick but misses, and gets the 10 punch in the corner by Rey. Because, you know, when you’re really passionate and angry about someone, you must follow a strict limit on how many times you punch them.


Booker manages to regain control though and hits a nice superkick, some chops, and a side slam, getting a two count. Soon enough, Rey is hitting the Three Amigos (Maybe the Three….wait, no, Amigos works) but Sharmell is distracting the ref. Seriously, what compels a ref to be INCREDIBLY fixated with whoever stands on the apron and spazzes out? It’s as if it has a hypnotic effect and drains them of all their sense.


Ahem, anyway, Chavo makes a run in, throwing Rey into the barricade, and ends up letting Booker hit the Scissors Kick, three count.


Winner and The Champ: King Booker


What did I gain from this match? – Please don’t let this lead to Chavo claiming he’s actually Rey’s wife’s long lost cousin’s son’s Lawyer or some stupid shit.


End Show.


AWWW JHYEEEAH – Definitely the main event. Best match of the night, seeing as it was the only thing worth watching


DAYUM – The Divas, of course, and the fact that Batista is going to ECW. ECW shouldn’t be a fucking training gym for RAW and SD guys.


And now it’s time for:





 Well, this week wasn’t too hot either. I decided to honor my ‘Always Welcome in Negro Clubs’ pass (Yes, I was seriously given one) and try to blend in. turns out I still haven’t got the hang of the whole ebonics thing.


‘Whatchoo tryin’ to pull, whitey?’ they said.


‘Nothing at all, my fellow pigmented friend. I’m one of those ‘honorary negros’ don’t you know. Dope, yes? Although if I’m honorary, does that make you guys, like, dishonorary?’


The doctors say I may never walk again.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick 

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).