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Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (01/02/09) 

Hello and welcome to the Lowdown on Smackdown! I'm your ever-popular (or would that be unpopular?) host, Shane Steele and due to missing the show at it's time Friday, this edition is brought to you by YouTube user singh02king02, who was awesome enough to upload the show shortly after it ended so I could catch it at 11:45 on a Friday night. You rock, dude!
The show kicks off with the usual pyro and ballyhoo, as we are reminded that The Hardys will face Edge and Big Show tonight. We will see this many more times tonight (the match reminder, not the pyro) and it will cause me to hate Matt even more than usual.
But EXCUSE ME! Vickie's in the ring to wish the crowd a happy New Year (They boo. Ungrateful bastards.) and announce that Jeff Hardy will defend the WWE title against Edge at The Royal Rumble. Superstars competing in the Rumble will be announced later and Vickie starts to leave, but here comes Triple H to kick off the show like he does every week he doesn't end it. Because he's an impatient jerk, Trips tries to pressure Vickie into telling him if he's in the Rumble or not by telling her the fans will s talk her if she doesn't spill the beans. Vickie tells him to shut it, but Trips goes a step lower by breaking out the Vickie Guerrero action figure. Why the hell they made one I will never know. At this point, Vickie cracks and tells HHH he's in, but even that doesn't satisfy him, as he goes on to describe how he was playing with the figure before he decided to undress it and got the hots for it because it's actually thin. Here, my eyeballs melt into my face and I die on the spot. OK, not really, but this p robably killed someone. Trips goes on to say he went to the Web and found some nude pictures of Vickie on EBay. DEAR SWEET GOD IN HEAVEN. That definitely killed a few people, if not the entire population of a small island. Vickie plays dumb and when Trips says the auction is ending soon, she scurries off to the back. Wow. Triple H not only managed to disgust me, he also managed to convince me he is the sickest pervert ever.
Khali, Runjin, Finlay, and Hornswoggle are in the back taking a portrait of sorts. Hornswoggle continues to push Runjin out of the way. They'll see tag action next.
Back from the break I don't get, we are not treated to tag action, but instead, UMAGA! He's returning soon, you know, and hopefully speaking English like some people said would happen a while ago. I hope he sounds like Ben Stein. That would be hilarious.
Curt Hawkins & Zack Ryder vs. Finlay and The Great Khali W/ Hornswoggle and Runjin Singh
Khali starts things off by chucking the Edgeheads all over the ring, then smashing their heads together. Hornswoggle runs in and does the same. To to Finlay, who beats the shit out of Hawkins before hitting a butt drop for 2. Some clotheslines follow, including one to Ryder, before Hawkins takes charge with some kicks. Tag to Ryder, who works a chinlock. He switches to punching and tosses Finlay into the corner, but Finlay blocks a charge with a shoulder block. He tags to Khali, who obliterates Hawkins before hitting the Punjabi Plunge on Ryder for the win.
WINNERS: Finlay and The Great Khali. Finlay hits a Celtic Cross on Hawkins and Hornswoggle follows up with a Tadpole Splash. Then everybody dances! Well, except Hawkins and Ryder. They kind of just lay there.
We go backstage to Eve, who brings in Michelle McCool. We get another look at Michelle losing the title to Maryse last week, then possibly losing her mind as she tosses Maria all over the ring. Michelle bitches about how Maria is jealous of her and how nobody cares about her. Then she tells Eve to shut up and leaves. I don't know why, but it's so easy to believe Michelle is playing a horrible, ruthless bitch who hates everybody. Oh wait.....
Edge is throwing a hissy fit in Vickie's office over the photos. Big Show says they actually weren't that bad and Vickie runs out. Edge and Show get into an arguement and Edge hits the low blow by bringing up Floyd Mayweather at Wrestlemania. Dude, harsh.
Jesse & Festus vs. The Brian Kendrick & Ezekiel Jackson
Festus goes nuts and takes out both men. Tag to Jesse, who gets slammed onto Kendrick for 2. Jesse works a chinlock-armbar combo, which Kendrick escapes only to get backhanded for 2. Jesse tags in Festus, who punches out Kendrick and hits a butt drop. Kendrick blocks a corner charge attempt and Festus seemingly injures his knee. Kendrick tags in Zeke, who immeadiately starts working over the knee. He tags back to Kendrick, who jumps on the knee and continues to work it over until Festus tosses him asid e and tags to Jesse. Jesse comes in with a HOUSE OF FI-YAH and hits a suplex that gets 1 when Zeke breaks it up. Zeke then takes out Festus as Kendrick continues to battle Jesse. Jesse tosses Kendrick into the turnbuckle, but Zeke blind tags in and hits the Black Bottom for the win.
WINNERS: The Brian Kendrick & Ezekiel Jackson.
Vladimir Kozlov vs. Hurricane Helms
Helms tries to go for kicks, but Kozlov judo tosses him and works over the elbow. Helms gets thrown into the corner, but he blocks the charge attempt and manages to get in some punches. Kozlov counters with heabutts, then goes back to working over the elbow. After a fallaway slam connects, Kozlov looks to hit the battering ram, but Helms dodges, only to get battering rammed after he goes for the shining wizard. A chokeslam seals it.
WINNER: Vladimir Kozlov.
Royal Rumble participants will be announced after the non-existent commercial break.
JR is in the ring to announce the Royal Rumble participants from Smackdown. Well, some of them. If it was only the five he's going to announce, I would be pretty pissed. Triple H, Big Show, Vladimir Kozlov, and Shelton Benjamin are named. JR tries to name somone else, but Shelton Benjamin interrupts him and says he should be announced as the favorite to win the Rumble. Shelton shooes JR out of the ring and continues to say he'll win the Rumble because no one can compare to him. Undertaker apparently takes offense to this and interrupts Shelton by hitting a chokeslam. JR says 'Taker will be in the Rumble too.
WHAT? More Kizarny promos? I thought you were debuting tonight? WTF, Kizarny?
Michelle McCool heads to the ring. She says Eve was right and tries to apologize to Maria, despite, as she claims, having no idea where she is or even if she can hear her. Um, Michelle, she's probably in a hospital. And she's not dead. She probably can hear you. She brings Eve down to apologize to her too. Eve accepts, they hug, and all is right with the world. Well, until Michelle attacks her from behind as she's waving to some fans. That lasted long. Michelle kicks Eve in the face a few time before s lamming her into the ring. Then she leaves.
Vickie is in the locker room with Chavo. Chavo says he hasn't seen the photos. Good thing too. You'd probably look like a bigger perv than Triple H if you did. Speak of the devil and Triple H shall appear, as he does to call Chavo a gopher and insult Vickie. Vickie says Trips will compete in TRIPLE JEOPARDY next week, which wil consist of a table match, a handicap match, and a Last Man Standing match. Alex Trebek is trying to sue as we speak,er, read.
MVP W/O Bling vs. KIZARNY! ('Bout Time, Man!)
Kizarny starts off by going for a backslide that gets 1, then hitting some armdrags and a scoop slam. MVP gets kicked out of the ring and then Kizarny dives onto him. He rolls MVP back in the ring and covers him for 2. A second rope crossbody also gets 2. MVP comes back with a headbutt to the gut and tosses Kizarny from the ring. MVP goes out to toss Kizarny into the barrier a few times before sending him back in the ring. He covers for 2, then applies a waistlock. Kizarny tries to escape, but MVP knee s him in the gut a few times, the drops the knees on him for 2. MVP hits his belly-to-belly toss across the ring, but Kizarny comes back with a jawbreaker. A pair of dropkicks follow, as Kizarny then switches to slamming MVP into all three turnbuckles, getting 2 in the process. MVP hits a cheap shot to the throat and goes for the Playmaker, but Kizarny escapes and hits the weirdest looking double arm DDT ever to win it.
WINNER: Kizarny.
Speaking of weird looking things, here comes Kennedy's goatee and the man who's attached to it. Kennedy hypes is movie, which like his goatee, is bound to be God-awful. The main event is next.
After the non-existent break, we're reminded Triple H faces Triple Jeopardy next week and that Carlito and Primo will put the tag titles on the line against The Brian Kendrick and Ezekiel Jackson.
Edge and Big Show vs. The Hardys
Edge starts off with Matt. Matt hits a pair of armdrags, then starts working an armbar. Edge reverses it into a headlock, but Matt escapes by hitting a back suplex. Tag to Jeff (who's face is painted eerily similar to Kane's old mask), as The Hardys lay out Edge, knock down Big Show, and send Edge flying onto Show as we go to commercials that I won't see.
We return to Edge beating on Jeff with punches until Jeff blocks a corner charge attempt and hits a Whisper in the Wind for 2. Tag to Matt, who hits a scoop slam, but misses on the moonsault attempt. Edge tags to Big Show, who chops away at Matt in the corner. Show hits a suplex, then follows it up with an elbow drop for 2. Tag to Edge, who punches Hardy in the corner, then chokes him on the ropes for 2. Matt escapes an armbar, but Edge knees him in the stomach. Tag to Show, who also works the arm before going back to corner chops. Tag to Edge, who covers for 2, then works a headlock. A sunset flip gets 2, as does a clothesline. Edge works another armbar, which Matt escapes, only to get big booted. Big Show suddenly decides to walk out as Edge looks on in a most pissed-off manner. Edge blocks the Twist of Fate (out of nowhere!) attempt and hits the Edge-O-Matic for 2. A spear attempt is reversed into a Side Effect and Matt tags in Jeff, who comes in with a HOUSE OF-oh, right. Sorry, Jeff. Tag b ack to Matt, as the Hardy's hit Poetry in Motion, followed by bulldog from Matt. A Twist of Fate (not out of nowhere this time) is followed by a Swanton Bomb for the win.
WINNERS: The Hardys.
Well, that does it for this edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown. Before I leave, I'd like to thank my loyal fans who catapulted me back into 3rd in the TWF Writer of the Year poll. YAY! This means I get mentioned (I think! I hope! I PRAY!). Dare we shoot for 2nd?


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (01/09/09) 

Hey hey folks! It's your old pal Shane Steele, once again bringing you The Lowdown on Smackdown! First off, I would like to say "Thank You!" to all my loyal readers who earned me 4th place in the Writer of the Year poll. And since a 4th place medal does not exist, I'm dubbing my placing "The Steel Medal". And no pun was intended. But enough of that. Lets get to the WRESTLING (or lack thereof).
But before the show even kicks off, we have bad news. Apparently, Jeff Hardy was involved in some sort of hit and run accident. He's fine and will compete at the Royal Rumble. Exclusive footage to come later tonight.
But who cares about that when we have TRIPLE H FACING TRIPLE JEOPARDY. This involves Triple H in a tables match, a handicap match, and a Last Man Standing match. This will all be...starting right now? This helps the "Triple H must begin or end every Smackdown" theory.
Triple H vs. John Morrison (Table Match)
Morrison starts off with some knees to the gut and punches, but a Triple H high knee puts a stop to that. Trips clotheslines Morrison over the top rope, then sends him into the ringpost. He sets up a table and tries to suplex Morrison through it, but Morrison reverses and gets a table in the ring. He sets it up in the corner and tries to Irish whip HHH through it, but a small series of counters ensues until Morrison hits the springboard kick. Triple H tries to send Morrison through a table on the outside, but Morrison slips away, only to get the old Double A spinebuster. Trips sets up another table and tries to superplex Morrison through it, but Morrison shoves him away, only to have Triple H toss him through the table on the outside.
WINNER: Triple H.
The Miz tries to attack Triple H after the match. Why he didn't try this while his partner was actually competing, I will never know. Trips swiftly swats him away with a punch, but Chavo Guerrero attacks from behind and sends HHH through the table in the corner. Undertaker vs. Shelton Benjamin is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: So, did he go for the interview or just make his hair less gray? And anyway, how does either save money so his son can go to college?
Triple H runs into Vickie backstage. Vickie says the worst is still to come. What, Trips will have to sit through and hour-long spiel of Matt Hardy promos?
US Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. The Undertaker (Non-Title Match)
Shelton fires off some punches, but after taking several shots, Undertaker turns the tables and proceeds to work the arm for a LONG time. Old School connects and Shelton gets clotheslined over the top rope. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: All these accident lawyers always sound like they're profiting from human suffering.
We return to 'Taker still beating the ever-loving crap out of Benji. UT hits Snake Eyes, then goes for the big boot, but misses, allowing Shelton to hit a chop block. Shelton starts to work the leg and slams it into the ring post. Shelton stomps the leg, but 'Taker escapes and goes for a chokeslam. Benjamin escapes and returns to working the leg. Undertaker breaks free and sends Shelton outside before setting him up for and hitting the legdrop on the apron. Once back in the ring, Shelton kicks Undertaker's leg and starts some corner punches, but Undertaker sets him up for the Last Ride. Shelton reverses it into a DDT and picks up a 2 count. Shelton sets up Undertaker in the corner and connects on the first Stinger Splash, but has the second reversed into a chokeslam that gets 2. 'Taker follows up with the Tombstone for the win.
WINNER: The Undertaker. Exclusive footage of the accident is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Damnit, it is a Twilight Zone remake.
Here's the accident footage, which is basically just Jeff talking to a cop while his girlfriend paces and puts her face in her hands. A lot of things making me think this is staged. 1, Jeff refers to the cop as "man". 2, Jeff is way too calm for such a serious situation. And 3, when the cop learns his name is Jeff Hardy, he does not react whatsoever, instead just getting Jeff to file an accident report. I'm sure everyone in North Carolina knows who he is, but still, he's the freakin' WWE Champion. Just one little "Holy shit, you're Jeff Hardy!" would've sold me.
Earlier, Tazz asked Edge about the accident. Edge said Jeff is still a jinx, but will keep Jeff and his girlfriend in his prayers. The Bella Twins will see action next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I still have no idea how much that KFC box costs.
Michelle McCool and Victoria vs. The Bella Twins
Michelle starts off destroying Bella #1 until she gets clotheslined. Michelle tries to take a walk, but Bella #2 tosses her back in the ring. #1 gets in a few moves before Michelle escapes and tags to Victoria, who hits a nice flipping leg drop. Victoria knocks #2 off the apron  and hits a spinning side slam on #1. She goes for a moonsault, only to miss. #2 tags in and covers Victoria for the win.
WINNERS: The Bella Twins. Post match, Michelle attacks Victoria and proceeds to hit the gayest slam ever on her. Seriously, her va-jay-jay landed square on Victoria's head. Awk-ward. The handicap match is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: For those who don't know, Lycans are werewolfs.
Triple H vs. The Miz and Chavo Guerrero (Handicap Match)
Now this may just be me, but wouldn't it make more sense for Miz to be teaming with Morrison and Chavo to get destroyed in the table match? I'm just sayin' (damnit Helms, now you've got me doing it!).
Trips beats the crap out of Miz to kick off the match. Miz makes the tag to Chavo, who also gets crushed, finally getting tossed into the ringpost. Miz tags in by slapping Chavo's ass. Not really helping the "Wrestling isn't gay" arguement, Miz. Following a Chavo distraction, Miz begins to work over HHH's arm. Chavo tags in and hits the rolling Liger kick for 2. Miz tags in and hits his running corner clothesline.  Tag to Chavo, who totally misses the frog splash attempt. Chavo tags in Miz, who gets crushed with a clothesline. Double A spinebuster follows. Chavo walks out as Miz gets pedigreed.
WINNER: Triple H. Vickie's head pops up to say Trips will face Big Show in the Last Man Standing match.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Some Dad, leaving his daughter to be kidnapped so he can play super-spy.
A COMMUNIST PROMO. Watch as Kozlov trains by hitting punching bags with his head! It's actually pretty awesome.
MVP pops up in the VIP Lounge. Wait, he can afford the lounge, but not the tunnel? Lame. In the most utterly depressed manner ever, MVP brings out Mr. Kennedy and the WORST GOATEE IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. Seriously, it makes Kennedy resemble one of those scatter-brained old farts wandering the same aisle at the grocery store because he forgot what he came there for. Small, but noticeable "MVP" chant. Kennedy tells MVP to stop being mad at himself, then shills Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia. The same guys chanting "MVP" hilariously chant "It's not out yet!". Ah, the benefits of taped TV. Just as MVP starts to yell at Kennedy, all his furniture is suddenly repoed! And without the aid of one Barry Darsow! Just I'm starting to think JBL gave the wrong guy a job offer, The Boogeyman's music sounds. MVP gets hit with the pumphandle slam, but manages to escape being wormed. The tag team title match is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: "Horror" is the perfect date movie.
RAW Rebound. I love how Randy kind of lingers for a moment after getting kicked in the face.
WWE Tag Team Champions Primo & Carlito vs. The Brian Kendrick & Ezekiel Jackson W/ Jobber Entrance (Wonder Who'll Be Winning Tonight?)
Zeke clobbers Primo from the get-go. Primo quickly makes the tag to Carlito, who gets in some shots before getting flattened with a shoulder block. The Colons team up to hit a double diving clothesline on Zeke, taking him down for the count of...well, nothing. He kind of just tosses Carlito away and tags to Kendrick. Kendrick works an armbar until Carlito escapes and tags to Primo, who hits a dropkick for 2. Kendrick slaps Primo, then tags in Zeke. Zeke works a bearhug, scoop slams Primo, then works another bearhug. Kendrick tags in and works a camel clutch with an armbar. Primo escapes and tags to Carlito, who comes in with a HOUSE OF FI-YAH! Spinebuster gets 1 when Zeke breaks it up. Primo gets Zeke out of the ring, but Kendrick knocks Carlito into Primo and gets rid of him too. Kendrick goes for the roll-up, but only gets 2. He goes for a kick, but Carlito dodges and hits the backstabber for the win.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: The movie's alternative title: "My Mother The Zombie".
We see some kinda-sorta-could be fake "cell phone" footage from Jeff's accident.
Jeff appears via satellite to tell us he was leaving a party when he got sideswiped from behind. Jeff is way too calm for this to be real.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Sadly, this new KGB is nothing like the old Soviet spy group.
Big Show vs. Triple H (Last Man Standing Match)
Big Show starts working over the arm, then tosses Triple H out of the ring. Trips gets up at 5, then gets chopped on his way back in the ring. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Pretty tough for dudes in suits.
Show is still chopping away at Triple H. HHH falls, then gets back up at 4. Show lifts Triple H in the air by his arm, then drops him. He's up at 4. The same lift is repeated, followed by a legdrop. This time, Trips gets up at 6.  Show punches away and manages to fit in a headbutt (shades of Vladimir Kozlov!), but Trips rises to his feat at 7. Show tosses Triple H out of the ring and into the steel steps. He's back on his feet at 8. Triple H tries to fight back by bouncing Show's head off the ropes, but he gets clotheslined when he charges him. Once again, Trips gets back up at 8. Trips reverses a corner charge into a DDT, but Big Show gets back to his feet at 7. Big Show spears Triple H, but this only keeps him down for a count of 7. A legdrop gets 8. Triple H dodges a corner charge and hits the Pedigree, but even it's awesome power can't keep Big Show down as he comes back at 9. Show whiffs on all his punches and gets facebustered, but he still manages to reverse a Pedigree attempt into a slam. Trips gets up at 9. The action takes to the outside, as Trips slams Show's into the ring post. Show gets up at 8, then chokeslams Triple H onto the announce table. Trips gets up at 9, so Show punches him with the FALCON...PUNCH! This keeps him down for the count.
WINNER: Big Show.
Well, I hope you all had your fill of Triple H. I sure did. Tune in next week, where hopefully, I'll be tormented by someone who can't plaster his face all over the show. That would be nice.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (01/16/09) 

Howdy do, folks! Shane Steele here to once again present The Lowdown on Smackdown!
Before we kick things off, we get a quick recap of Jeff's hit-and-run shenanigans from last week. I'm still with the party that says it's fake. Sure looks like. Tonight, Jeff will be the guest on The Cutting Edge.
But EXCUSE ME! Vickie's in the ring to give us a quick little recap of Triple Jeopardy from last week. After this, she gloats and says the joke is on Triple H now. Of course, this brings out ol' Trips himself. He's got an envelope. I don't like where this is going. Trips starts things off by saying...he's sorry? Wait, what? What the hell? He gives Vickie the envelope, which contains her nude photos (shudder). Apparently, Khali won the auction, sold them to Joey Styles (who was evil enough to post them on wwe.com. Damn you Joey!), and Trips bought them from Styles. Vickie accepts the apology, but still decides to put HHH's Rumble spot on the line in another Last Man Standing match against Big Show. Gee, where have I seen this before? Oh, right. LAST WEEK. Vickie starts to walk away, but Trips apparently saw this coming and places the abominable photos on the Titan-Tron. Thankfully, I'm spared by the appearane of my mom, so I have to change the channel so I don't get the usual "What sick crap are you watch ing?" speech. I come back in time to catch one of them and even though they are heavily censored, they still make me want to puke. But EXCUSE my ranting! Vickie says that MVP now has to fight Big Show for HHH's Rumble spot and Triple H is banned from ringside. Intrigue? Not really. Undertaker will give some long, boring speech tonight that I'm sure none of us will care about later tonight.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Basketball has nothing to do with getting a loan.
ECW recap. Swagger winning the title was awesome for me because in case you haven't noticed, I really hate Matt Hardy. Speaking of which....
Jack Swagger and Mark Henry vs. Finlay W/ Hornswoggle and Matt Hardy
The Fat Man and Matt start off with a lock-up, whereupon Fatso shoves Matt to the ground. Matt gets back up and works a waistlock, but Fatty escapes by slamming Matt into the corner. A few generic strong man tosses follow until Chubby misses an elbow drop, allowing Matt to hit an enziguri and tag in Finlay. Finlay promptly hits a butt drop for 2 and follows up with a low dropkick. He charges  Tub O' Lard, only to get hit with a powerslam. Tag to Swagger, who basically gets his ass kicked as soon a s he gets in the ring. A hip toss scores 1. Finlay takes the chance to knock Blubber Boy off the apron and in return, Swagger slams him into the ring post. Some punches from Swagger get 2 as we go to COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Circuit City is shutting down? No way!
The Big Fat Waste of Space that is Mark Henry is in the ring now, beating on Finlay until tagging to Swagger. A pair of Swagger elbow drops gets 2. A headlock is transitioned into a back suplex for 2. More headlocky goodness is abandoned in favor of crushing Finaly in the corner, but Swagger whiffs on the Vader Bomb attempt. Finlay tags in Matt, who comes in with the usual Hardy HOUSE OF FI-YAH! A bulldog gets 2. Matt hits the Side Effect, but pandemonium breaks out as Atlas tosses in Hornswoggle, allo wing The Beast Who Can Feast to get in a clothesline. Finlay brains Lard Ass with the shillelagh (I think that's how it's spelled) only to get kicked in the face by Swagger. However, Swagger walks right into the Twist of Fate (out of nowhere!) for the win.
WINNERS: Matt Hardy and Finlay.
Edge is in Vickie's office with Vickie moaning about how he wants to win at the Royal Rumble. Chavo and Show arrive so Show can kiss up to Vickie and make fun of Edge. Damn, Edge is tall. Show leaves after telling Edge to take care of business. Chavo laughs and Edge sends him off on an errand. Wow. Could Chavo look like any more of a loser?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That diamond needs WAY better security.
R-Truth is dancing backstage, only to run into The Brian Kendrick and Ezekiel Jackson. Kendrick tells him to stop dancing and Zeke INTIMIDATES by saying "What's up?". I believe Truth was just shut down.
Tard Grisham is standing by with Michelle McBitch. We get the obligatory montage of Michelle beating the shit out of Maria and Eve. Michelle says everyone is jealous and for some reason, we get a body shot. Yep. Exposed ribs and tiny boobs are just what every woman wants. Michelle says she'll get the title back soon, but Victoria interrupts and says she'll kick her ass or something like that. I really wasn't paying attention.
MVP is waming up in the locker room and Trips is there two, growling at him to win or else. MVP says he won't let him down. Two words for ya: James Mason.
R-Truth (Who's In the Rumble) vs. The Brian Kendrick W/ Ezekiel Jackson (Kendrick Is Also In The Rumble)...After COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I wonder if that onion filed an abuse lawsuit.
Big "Kendrick" chant to start things off.  Kendrick misses a kick and gets armdragged, slapped, then armdragged some more. Kendrick manages to rebound and hit a series of kicks. A kick to the face gets 2. Kendrick works a half Boston crab, then switches to a camel clutch. Truth powers out, but Kendrick sends him into the ropes for 1. A low dropkick from Kendrick gets 2. Kendrick applies some strange combination of a chinlock and an armbar, but Truth escapes and hits a powerslam for 2. R-Truth dodg es an attempted The Kendrick (God, that felt weird to write), hits the 360 forearm, and follows with the corkscrew axe kick for the win.
WINNER: R-Truth. Post match, Zeke attacks and hits an urnage slam, or The Black Bottom as I used to call it.
More Triple H pep talks, which are actually more like threat talks. MVP says he's got things under control and Trips responds by holding up Sledgie. Because nothing says motivation like the threat of being brutalized! The Last Man Standing Match is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: A super-powered Dakota Fanning is a scary thought.
We get a Kozlov promo! Here, he action rolls! The power of Communism compells him to!
Big Show vs. MVP (Last Man Standing Match)
MVP attacks Big Show during his entrance by hitting him with a chair multiple times. Show eventually punches the chair away. P tries to kick Show off the apron, but Show catches his foot and tosses him away. Following an MVP dropkick, this same spot is repeated. Show tosses MVP from the ring and chucks him into the barricade. Show follows up with a chop to the chest, which keeps MVP down until a count of 5. Then Show tosses him into the steel steps, with MVP getting up at 6. Show misses a charge and MV P capitalizes by kick Show into the ring post, with Show recovering at 8. MVP tries this again, but Show just shoves him away. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: "Now I look like Reed Richards!".
Back from the break, Show is still beating on MVP. A chop keeps MVP down for a 2 count. A clothesline keeps him down until 7 is reached. Show tosses MVP across the ring, with MVP getting up at 4. Then Show chokes MVP, which gets a 5 count. MVP blocks a corner charge and tries the old sleeper hold trick, but Show just throws him off and pushes him out of the ring. MVP gets up at 8, only to have Show toss him into the barricade. MVP gets up again at 7. P slaps Show and Show responds by suplexing him. Thi s gets an 8 count. Same goes for Show tossing MVP onto the ramp. Show looks to chokeslam MVP off the stage, but Triple H comes from behind and nails Show in the back of the head. This keeps Show down for the 10 count.
WINNER: MVP (wow, didn't think I'd write that for a while). Show just lies there like he's dead. I find this hilarious. Undertaker's boring speech is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Mark Whalberg may not talk to animals, but he does shoot guns.
Umaga returns! Sometime? I don't know. I'm not that interested. The undercard has really stepped up while Umaga and Kennedy were gone and I really don't want to see guys like The Brian Kendrick get de-pushed just because guys like them are coming back.
Chavo runs up to Edge in the office and tells him The Cutting Edge is ready. Vickie tells him to send for HHH. Edge says he'll send Big Show a lesson in taking care of people.
'Taker's face appears on the screen. He launches into his usual "I am undead, I will bury everyone" speech and as he does this, the faces of everyone currently in the Rumble appear and become a dark shade of gray. It's really ridiculous, especially the close-up of Cody Rhodes's face, which just made me laugh.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Shutcha face, commercial! A money suit would be awesome!
Victoria vs. Michelle McCool (Victoria's Last Match)
Victoria starts off taking it to Michelle. A standing moonsault gets 2. Michelle tries to go up top, but Victoria takes her down with a superplex for 2. Victoria also goes up top, but misses the moonsault. Michelle hits a low dropkick for 2. Michelle starts to work over Victoria's leg for a LONG time, finally applying a half Boston crab. Victoria escapes, only to get trapped in the heel hook (apparently it moved out of Brazil). Victoria reaches the ropes and manages to send Michelle into them, followin g that up with a roll-up for 2. Clotheslines follow that and a backslide gets 2 as well. Michelle escapes a Widow's Peak attempt and hits that gay-looking slam she hit last week for the win.
WINNER: Michelle McCool. Well, so long Victoria. You were pretty hot and had talent as well. You will be missed. Seriously, now I'm stuck with Michelle, Maria, The Bellas and Eve, all of which either aren't hot, can't wrestle, or are a combination of the two. Ugh.
Vickie has Triple H in her office backstage. Vickie says Trips is out of the Rumble because he interferred, but Trips says that because he wasn't ringside and it happened on the stage, he's safe. Damn loopholes! Vickie fumes and says Triple H will face Kozlov next week.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Taken still makes no sense whatsoever.
Did you hear Stone Cold is gettin inducted into the Hall of Fame? If you didn't, 1, you're probably dead, and 2, here's another promo to remind you. This does raise one question, however. When The Rock eventually does get inducted, will Dwayne Johnson accept the honor? Considering they're two different people, that would seem a little awkward.
A quick Royal Rumble rundown. Despite the title matches seeming rather bland, the Rumble itself actually looks to be quite awesome.
Edge is coming out for The Cutting Edge, but of course, it will happen after COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Repo The Genetic Opera? PLEASE tell me that's a musical!
Before The Cutting Edge, we get COMMUNISM! Kozlov says something in Russian that probably translates to "I will break you, Triple H". Awesome.
Back to Edge, who says he's good at keeping focused, but it's been hard to do so lately with Jeff screwing everything up. Edge is worried Jeff won't make it to the Rumble. Um, dude. If he isn't there, he has to forefit and YOU WIN THE TITLE. Give me a break. Edge shows a "movie" depicting Jeff winning the title at Armageddon, then Edge presumably winning it back. Since I was expecting something funny, this was a total letdown. Edge finally brings out Jeff, who suddenly starts spazzing out when his pyro goes off and falls to the floor. Further inspection reveals something kind of exploded. The North Carolina trio of Matt Hardy, Hurricane Helms, and R-Truth rush to the rescue, as do the paramedics, who strap Jeff to a gurney and wheel him off as Edge and Vickie watch. Wow. That was pretty lame.
So, thanks for stopping by for a pretty dull edition of Smackdown. Until next week, I'm Shane Steele. After that, I'll probably be someone else.
Shane Steele noticed almost every other writer on the site had one of these and finally got around to making his own. In his spare time, Shane enjoys old movies you've never heard of, old music you've never heard of, and old books you've never heard of. In addition to all that, his penis has exceeded measurement. Yeah, it's that awsome.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (01/23/09) 

Good evening/morning/afternoon ladies and gentlemen! I'm Shane Steele and this...is...The Lowdown on Smackdown! Hey, if Vickie can rip off Alex Trebek, so can I.

We kick things off with a replay of not only the hit-and-run incident, but also the pyro explosion that Jeff way oversold. And did he never hear of "stop, drop, and roll"? Jeez, no wonder his house burned down. Fire safety is definitely not one of Jeff's strong points. JR and Tazz inform us that someone had tampered with the pyro, causing the accident, and Jeff will be at the Rumble.

Here comes Edge, who is smart enough to keep his distance from his pyro. Edge claims he had nothing to do with all of Jeff's accidents and that he'll win the title because Jeff is dumb enough to face him even though he's had all this stuff going on. If it's not Edge, I really hope it is Christian.  Edge's comments draw out Matt Hardy, who brawls with Edge and chases him through the crowd. Riveting. Haven't seen this before.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Johnny Dangerously? When did this come out? (Research reveals 1984).

A quick recap of Triple H basically saving his own butt by helping MVP get the win over Big Show. I'm pretty sure MVP was able to move that gian WWE logo thing that seems to be at every show. Tonight, Triple H battles the embodiment of Communism himself, Vladimir Kozlov.

US Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. The Undertaker (Non-Title Match; But Seriously, This Again?)

Undertaker starts things off fast by firing off some quick strikes and slamming Benjamin into the corner. More punches follow and he sends Benjamin into another corner, but his charge attempt is blocked. Shelton gets in a few quick punches before Undertaker hits a big boot and hits dreaded #714: ARMBAR! 'Taker goes back to beating on Shelton in the corner and tries to go for Old School, but Shelton blocks it and goes back to punches. UT blocks a punch and goes back to (big surprise) punching. However, 'Taker misses the big boot attempt and falls out of the ring, allowing Shelton to pounce onto his back. He slams UT into the apron a few times before rolling him back into the ring so that he can choke him on the ropes. The suplex that follows gets 1 and 1/2. Shelton works a headlock, but 'Taker reverses into a sloppy back suplex and wins the punching contest that comes after it. A combination of corner clotheslines, snake eyes, a big boot, and a leg drop only get 2. HULK HOGAN IS ASHAMED OF YOU.  Undertaker goes for Old School again, but Shelton blocks it again and hits a superplex for 2. 'Taker gets up and goes for a chokeslam, but Shelton reverses it into a DDT for 2. A dragon whip also gets 2. Shelton argues with the ref and when he turns around, Undertaker locks in The Devil's Gate (I guess Hell wasn't kid-friendly enough) for the win.

WINNER: The Undertaker. We learn The Great Khali will see action next and a Jeff Hardy interview will air later tonight.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Ha ha, Osi, the Giants are out of the playoffs!

Umaga promo. Like I said last week, I'm not particularly excited.

Chavo Guerrero vs. The Great Khali W/ Runjin Singh

Chavo tries to go for the legs, but Khali just tosses him away and hits a clothesline. Khali misses a big boot and gets caught in the ropes, allowing Chavo to kick away at the leg again. However, Khali just pushes him away, brain chops him, and hits the Punjabi Plunge as the crowd chants "One more time!". Yes please. I'm all for some good ol' fashioned Chavo-beating. Sadly, Khali does not fufill our wishes and just pins him. Damnit Khali, I thought you were-wait, I've never thought you were cool.

WINNER: The Great Khali.

Edge is whining to Vickie about wanting protection from Matt, but Vickie decides to instead put him in a No DQ match against Matt later tonight. Also, we'll get "special footage" (most likely just replays of what happened) from Vince getting his ass kicked.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Hi, my complaint would be that you seem to make cable look like a jerk.

The Bella Twins vs. Michelle McCool and Natalya (Maryse Is Helping With Commentary)

Bella #1 hits a snapmare on Michelle for 2. She follows up with another and tries to go up top, but Michelle just tosses her down. Maria runs in and attacks Michelle, leading to the DQ.

WINNERS BY DQ: Michelle McCool and Natalya. After the match, Michelle and Maria kind of brawl everywhere, but Michelle eventually does what she does best, taking over and ramming her knee into the side of Maria's head. The Jeff Hardy interview is next.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Money with googly eyes is creepy.

We get JR's interview with Jeff. Note Jeff's lack of any burn scars whatsoever. Jeff says the explosion is intentional (um, duh! We kind of already heard that.) and says he knows who did it. Same goes for the hit-and-run and the hotel attack before Survivor Series. Was it Christian? Please say it was Christian! Instead, Jeff does the usual Hardy spiel, blaming Edge and saying he'll have his revenge. Jeez, these Hardys sure hate Edge. Good thing they don't have a third brother or the poor guy would prob ably be dead by now.


COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Hi, were the Italian Stereotypes.

Before the match, we get a KOZLOV PROMO! He beats up a random dude and busts boards with his head! Hey, sounds like my morning routine!

vs. Matt Freakin' Hardy (No DQ) Match

Edge and Matt go back to beating the shit out of each other, with Matt slamming Edge's head into just about anything he can find before sending him back into the ring. A pair of corner clotheslines are followed by a Side Effect. Matt tosses Edge into the barricade outside, exposes some of the concrete flooring. Matt goes for the Twist of Fate (outta nowhere!), but Edge blocks, only to have Matt run away to grab a trash can. Edge stops Matt's attempted trash can attack with a drop toe hold and proc eeds to hit Matt with the trash can. A follow-up shot with the lid gets 2. Edge goes out and grabs a kendo stick, but Matt takes it away from him and wallops him in the stomach and back. Edge turns tail and grabs a chair, but when he tries to hit Matt with it, Matt ducks and slams Edge into the steel steps. Fat Man tries to sneak up behind Matt, but considering he's a subtle as a jackhammer, Matt is able to stop his attack. Back in the ring, he hits the Twist of Fate (outta nowhere!) on Edge, but Jack Swagg er runs in to make the save at 2. A gutwrench powerbomb, a World's Fattest Slam, and a spear seal it for Edge.


We get a look at The Wrestler, which I really want to see. I love movies and I hear Mickey Rourke does a fantastic job.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: No Mrs. Voorhees? It's Friday the 13th, not Friday the 13th Part 2! YOU JUST CAN'T CUT OUT MRS. VOORHEES! (Research reveals that she's still in it, but it's minimal. Bastards. Her head still better flip, damnit!).

World Tag Team Champions John Morrison & The Miz vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Primo & Carlito (Champions vs. Champions Non-Title Match)

Miz starts off with Carlito, getting in a few punches only to have Carlito escape and tag to Primo. A nice double team move gets 2. A knee to the gut from Miz allows for the tag to Morrison, who gets head scissored almost immeadiately. Tag to Carlito and another double team move gets 1. Morrison dodges a Carlito corner charge and tags to Miz, who works a headlock. Carlito escapes and tags to Primo, who comes in with a HOUSE OF FI-YAH. Miz puts out said fi-yah by bulldog slamming Primo's head into the t urnbuckle. COMMERCIALS!

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: A 54 pound trophy is definitely worth driving around in a circle for.

We return to Primo getting 2 after a crossbody on Morrison. Morrison tags to Miz, who kicks Primo in the face for 2. A chinlock is worked until Primo hits a jawbreaker, but Miz stops him from making a tag and hits a legsweep. He tags in Morrison and they hit that awesome double team move for 2. Miz gets tagged in again shortly after and they hit the double gutbuster. Miz beats on Primo in the corner, but both men go for a clothesline and take each other out. Morrison and Carlito tag in and Carlito mana ges to get the duke, hitting clotheslines and a springboard elbow. A monkey flip gets 2 when Miz breaks it up, but Primo quickly takes him out. Morrison hits the springboard kick, but Primo breaks it up at 2, only to have Miz return the favor and send him out. A series of roll-ups between Carlito and Morrison ensue, with each getting 2, until Miz blind tags in just before Morrison is hit with the backstabber. Miz rolls up Carlito for the win.

WINNERS: John Morrison and The Miz.

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I too was raised on anger, tough love, and spicy farming techniques.

We get a recap of Jericho getting destroyed (from a credibility standpoint) and Vince getting destroyed as well (literally). I told you it would be the same stuff you could see Monday night and in no way special. On a side note, how dare Randy try to steal Vickie's catchphrase!

Vladimir Kozlov-COMMERCIALS!

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Zombie car rental workers!

vs. Triple H

Both men exchange punches until Trips tries for a Pedigree, only to have Kozlov slam him into the corner with his shoulder. Trips sends Kozlov from the ring, but when he comes out, Kozlov slams him into the apron and into the ring post. Somehow, Triple H winds up in the ring first. I have no idea how. I'm kind of more interested in the conversation my brother has started about slasher movies. But EXCUSE ME! Vickie's out to tell us this is now a handicap match with Big Show as Kozlov's partner.

Triple H vs. Vladimir Kozlov and Big Show (Handicap Match)...After COMMERCIALS!

COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That Arsenio Hall is really going places...or not.

We return to Triple H beating on Big Show, until Show manages to hit a few headbutts and a spear. Tag to Kozlov, who eats high knee, but counters a Triple H charge into a powerslam for 2. Tag to Big Show, who fires off more punches in the corner, then sneaks in another headbutt. He chokes Trips on the ropes, chops him a few times, then hits a suplex. The legdrop that follows gets 2. Tag to Kozlov, who loses a punching contest to Triple H, but manages to hit a fallaway slam for 2. Tag to Big Show, who t otally misses the Vader Bomb attempt. He manages to come back with a chokeslam for 2. Tag to Kozlov, who goes for a powerslam, but has it reversed into a DDT. The facebuster and Double A spinebuster follow and Trips is ready to go for the Pedigree, but Big Show punches him in the back of the head, allowing Kozlov to hit his funky chokeslam-esque thing for the win.

WINNERS: Big Show and Vladimir Kozlov.

So, that does it for a dull edition of Smackdown, but another solid edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown. I hope the Rumble's awesome.

Shane Steele would be cheery more often, but he's currently mourning the loss of Bam Neely's facial expressions. He currently resides in his ultra-secret fortress where he battles his arch-nemesis: FASCISM. In case you haven't noticed, he likes to change this section. This will happen often.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (01/30/09) 

Hey folks! Shane Steele here with The Lowdown on Smackdown! Now I know this thing is a few days late and most of you already know what happen, but did you learn about it with the aid of my (occasionally) hilarious commentary? No? Well then, your life is just not complete!
The show kicks off with a recap of Matt costing Jeff the title at the Royal Rumble. Even though I was hoping for Christian, it was still a cool little twist I didn't see coming until the last moment. And hey! Maybe heel Matt gives better promos than face Matt (please dear God, let it be so!).
Said Matt makes his way down to the ring, carrying a chair that I think is the one he whacked Jeff with at the Rumble. Matt starts off by saying his time is now and Jeff is out of the way, resting back at home. I think Hardy family reunions are going to be awkward from now on. For some reason, pictures of Matt and Jeff keep popping up as Matt talks and some emotional music starts playing in the background. If all this is going on, Matt's promo better be the greatest thing since sliced bread. Matt goes on to say all the accidents weren't his fault and says if he has to survive by destroying Jeff, than so be it. Finally, Matt gets to fans like me who already hated him, saying we never gave back to him for all he did. Now Matt cares about nobody, but himself and no longer considers Jeff a brother. Good promo. Started off a little slow, but picked up once he got to the fans. Mood music probably helped a bit.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Why is nobody screaming "Ah! A giant rat!"? I would be screaming if I saw a giant rat.
R-Truth vs. The Brian Kendrick W/ Ezekiel Jackson
Big Zeke wastes no time getting himself ejected from ringside as he refuses to stop staring down R-Truth and leave the ring. Dude, how hard is it to take your eyes off the man and leave? Somebody takes staring contests WAY too seriously.
Kendrick reacts to Zeke's ejection by punching Truth in the face and kicking him while he's down. A low dropkick from Kendrick gets 2. Kendrick works a headlock until transitioning to more stomping and kicking for 2. Kendrick works and armbar-half nelson combo until Truth escapes and hits a clothesline, followed by a running powerslam for 2. Kendrick tries to regain control by sending Truth into the ropes, but Truth rebounds with a 360 forearm and an axe kick for the win.
WINNER: R-Truth.
We'll hear from Edge later tonight, but first, some WrestleMania history! That we all already knew! Why do we never get the more obscure moments, like The Mountie beating Tito Santana at WrestleMania VII?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Though 5-Hour Energy may be healthy, it is small and looks boring. Besides, nothing that's healthy ever tastes good.
A spot for Cena's newest flop, 12 Rounds, will air tonight. But for now, we get....
Chavo Guerrero vs. MVP Who is Still W/O The Tunnel
From the lock-up, MVP takes control and covers for 1. Chavo fights back by slamming MVP into the turnbuckle, but MVP bounces back with a big back body drop, an armdrag, and an armbar. Chavo gets out of the armbar and hits a rolling heel kick for 2 ( I guess Liger stopped caring about it). A Chavo armbar is worked for a LONG time, but MVP finally escapes and slams Chavo to the mat. He follows up with an overhead throw for 2. MVP goes for a Samoan drop, but Chavo counters into a suplex position, hitting two of the Three Amigos before MVP counters the third. Chavo retaliates by slamming MVP into the turnbuckle and going up top, but MVP manages to dodge the Frog Splash and hits the Drive-By kick to win it.
WINNER: MVP. Tazz materializes in the ring to congratulate MVP on his victory and ask him what he wants to do now. Please say get the tunnel back! MVP says he plans to get the US title back, which is also fine by me. But could the tunnel come back soon? Please?
Umaga return promo, as he apparently returns tonight. Um, apathy?
COMMERCIAL: Actually, I own a Toyota, thank you very much.
We get a promo for the Elimination Chamber. And unless those men in welding masks work for Satan, JR is wrong to call it "Satan's Structure". I guess "Large Crew of Metalworker's Structure" didn't have the same ring to it. Undertaker vs. Fat Man will be one of the qualifiers tonight, as will Triple H vs. Kozlov vs. The Great Khali.
Umaga W/ People Cheering For Him? vs. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: So, the hulk is a bad guy? Did I miss something in the last movie?
Umaga W/ A Surprising New Fan Base vs. Jimmy Wang Yang
Apparently, Umaga took extra time off to have the nastiest tatoo of his face ever put smack on his pec. It's disgusting. Umaga tosses around Jimmy, then hits the Black Hole Slam. A corner toss of course leads to the charging butt attack, which gets even more cheers. A Samoan spike follows.
WINNER: The apparently loveable Umaga! I guess people realize America kind of owns Samoa, so we can love him now. Undertaker vs. Fatso is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Note the small white letters saying "actor portrayal".
More Kozlov training promos, featuring weightlifting, shoot-fighting, and of course, HEADBUTTING. You know, the usual vile Communist training techniques.
The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry W/ Tony Atlas (Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match)
Undertaker starts things off with a headlock, but Fatty breaks free and hits a shoulder. Undertaker responds by pounding Fatso all over the ring, but Chubby takes control by tossing Undertaker into the corner and hitting a clothesline. Undertaker rebounds with an armbar and looks to hit Old School, but Tubby catches him and slams him into the corner. Mizark continues to beat on UT and hits a scoop slam and an elbow drop for 2. A headlock is applied, but Undertaker punches out, wins a punching contest w ith Lard-butt, and hits that leaping choke-clothesline that needs a better sounding name. Tony Atlas tries to interfere, but 'Taker gives him a big boot for his troubles. Then he hits a chokeslam on Gordo and locks in the something's Gate for the submission (Devil's? Hell's? Does anyone want this thing?).
WINNER: The Un-da-tay-kah! I miss Teddy Long. We'll hear from Edge next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: These days, it's just not a proper Italian stereotype without Santino.
More speculation about the possibility of Mickey Rourke being at WrestleMania. Honestly, I hope not. Association with WWE now would really hurt his chances of winning an Academy Award (which he deserves) and bringing some attention to the plight of poor, once-great wrestlers everywhere.
But EXCUSE ME! Vickie is here to introduce Edge, who saunters down to the ring. Edge says the fans were wrong to accuse him of derailing Jeff and even more wrong to say he wouldn't win at the Rumble. He asks for the crowd to stand up and apologize. Instead, they boo. Hurtful bastards. Then Edge busts out a FIVE SECOND POSE! I'm so busy marking out for the Edge & Chrisitan reference that I don't even bother to care that he's making out with Vickie.  The once-again smiley faced Big Show makes hi s way down to the ring, hugs Vickie, and touches the WWE championship, causing Edge to take off, presumably to clean it. Germaphobes. And is Show bipolar or something? He goes from happy to pissed back to happy pretty quickly. He'll be in an Elimination Chamber qualifying match next.
It's a WrestleMania 21 recap! It was a night where new main-eventers were born and almost all the matches were good or at least held my interest. Can't say the same for the past three WrestleMania's (with the possible exception of 22). NOTE: Benoit is visible for about a second in the MitB Ladder Match recap.
Big Show vs. Festus W/ Jesse (Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match)
Seriously, Festus? Come on? Couldn't somebody credible do the job tonight?
Show DDT's Festus and fires away punches in the corner, until Festus counters a charge attempt and hits a DDR of his own for 2. Festus tries to charge Big Show, but he gets smacked in the throat. An alley-oop slam (thanks, Smackdown vs. RAW 2009 for teaching me the name!) is followed by a FALCON...PUNCH to seal it.
WINNER: Big Show. Jesse tries to check on Festus, but eates chokeslam. The 12 Rounds preview is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: You wasted his first dollar, you little asshole.
12 Rounds trailer! So the bad guy lost his girlfriend and gets his revenge through an overly complicated series of games? Lame. Still can't blame him for being pissed, though. She was pretty hot.
Eve tries to talk about something pointless, but Michelle arrives to shut her up. Eve slaps Michelle and Michelle walks away, her anger problems presumably solved. The Triple Threat Match is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: OK, nobody got pissed off at being surrounded by an army of crying, crawling babies? These "Truth" commercials are WAY too over-the-top.
The RAW Rebound. IED is real, kids. And it affects 1 in 3 Americans. Like me! Just the other day, my brother said something I didn't like, so I punched him in the nose. He should've seen it coming.
Triple H vs. The Great Khali W/ Runjin Singh vs. Vladimir Kozlov (Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match)
I'm still mega-pissed at Triple H for what he did at the Rumble. I mean, come on! He eliminated Kozlov, The Brian Kendrick, and Miz and Morrison (at the same time for Miz and Morrison)! What, was he trying to get rid of everyone cooler than him?
The aforementioned Triple H fires away at Kozlov, but Kozlov rams him into the corner. Khali decides he wants in on the fun and shoves Kozlov aside so he can start beatin on Triple H. When Kozlov tries to retaliate, Khali chops him and kicks him out of the ring as we go to COMMERCIALS.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: As if we didn't already know how this match is going to end, MyNetwork TV gave us some spoilers by hinting at a Trips-Undertaker vs. Edge-Big Show match next week, only after they blatantly told us Triple H was going to be in the Chamber.
We return to see Triple H taking out Khali's legs. Kozlov attacks Triple H once he's done, but Triple H battles back, only to get powerslammed for 2. A backbreaker also gets 2. Triple H escapes another powerslam attempt and hits a DDT, but Kozlov comes back with a fallaway slam for 2. Trips blocks a shoulder charge attempt, hits a facebuster, and follows up with a Double A spinebuster, but Khali returns and chops Triple H. He follows up with the Vise Grip, but when Kozlov charges with the battering ram headbutt, he ducks and it hits Khali instead. Trips dumbs Kozlov and hits the Pedigree on Khali for the win.
WINNER: Triple H.
So, that does it for this unusually late edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown! See ya next week!
Shane Steele is a one hundred and ten percent red-blooded American! Except for that he's a Communist. Other than that, USA! USA! Shane also crosses busy intersections listening to Michael Sands play Winifred Atwill's arrangement of "The Charleston" on the piano. No cars have hit him. Yet.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).