Show starts off with a recap of SD! two weeks ago
showing the formation of the Edgeheads and their subsequent handicap victory over Batista with loud staticy noises and Tazz's
muffled voice (as opposed to his regular loud muffled voice) as they laid the chairtastic beatdown on Big Teest after the
match. Opening video and why in the FUCK is Festus featured with his own little animated guy and everything? Thin roster aside,
we are PRETAPED from Richmond, Virginia, and the crowd is surprisingly very vocal in their disapproval as Vickie makes her
entrance with her "indentured servant" Teddy Long. Surprising because, you know, Robert E. Lee was from Virginia. T-the Confederate
General in the Civil War. Yeah... that reference is kinda old. Okay, how about, gee, I sure hope no one pisses Jimmy Yang
off tonight! There, that's better. Vickie says if Taker or Batista lay a finger on Edge they won't ever get a rematch. She
then announces a Beat The Clock Challenge to determine the number one contender for Edge's title at the Rumble. "Among" the
participants, aka the guys who will compete to defeat members of random tag teams the quickest, are Finlay, Rey, Batista,
and Taker. She then introduces SD!'s new color commentator, to replace JBL....JONATHAN COACHMAN. Sean, this is my two weeks.
He shakes hands with Teddy, flaunting his slightly lighter skin tone and, thus, his freedom on the show, and then jogs over
to the desk, from which he stands and waves to complete and utter silence. He then sits his dumbass down and Justin Roberts
introduces the first competitor in the Challenge, Finlay. His opponent is MVP, who is just a shoo-in for this. He does start
gunning after he hears the clock ticking, you know. He should've worn a big Flav clock chain just for tonight. It'd be topical,
and even that wouldn't make him look any more stupid than wearing a fucking t-shirt over his body suit.
Finlay w/ Hornswoggle vs MVP, Beat The Clock Match
MVP and Finlay with some nice chain wrestling. Headlocks, toeholds, that whole bit, but that quickly
deteriorates into angry yelling and bitch slapping. MVP now with a boot on Finlay off a whip and then hurls Finlay out, where
he delivers a short arm clothesline to Finlay on the outside as we roll on to commercials.
Timmy the Tooth and The Land Before Time. That's all I ever used to need to be happy.
Back and we're five minutes in and Coach has yet to say shit. Unfortunately, he eventually does and
simply reiterates, and by that I mean directly repeat, Cole's explanation for the rules of the Beat the Clock Challenge. MVP
with a sort of Sky High move and goes for the pin, but Finlay lifts his shoulders and locks in a body scissors, still in the
same spot he was planted by the Sky High at. MVP eventually stands and breaks the hold and initiates a long headlock on the
downed Finlay. Because that's exacltly the strategy you'd use in a fucking Beat the Clock match. Finlay eventually gets out,
but sells the headlock and stumbles to his knees, where MVP hits him with a kick to the side of the head for two. P with strikes
but Finlay rolls over and gets on top of him and looks to end this quick by...locking in an arm bar. Christ, Finlay. He breaks
the hold after about a minute and whips P to the corner, but shoulders himself on the ringpost as P dodged. MVP with a huge
boot on Finlay in the corner, to which P pins but Finlay gets a ropebreak. Hornswoggle then slides in that long cane which
MVP picks up and looks to use on Finlay, because he figures his US Title is good enough, I suppose. But the ref takes it away
and, while getting rid of it, Horny slides the regular shilaylay in and Finlay nails P with it for the win.
Winner : Finlay
Vince is out now, and he is all smiles and hugs his bastard child and high fives him. He then points
at Finlay in congratulation and tosses Horny his hat as Finlay looks on cautiously. Commercials!
Excerpt from the Fannies : Catherine Perez - I hope MVP gets drafted to Raw this year. My rebuttal
next commercial break.
Back to the Auto Zone Slam of the Night or something. It's Jamie Noble's date with McCool, and her
acting isn't the only thing wooden now, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.
Palumbo out now on his bike with Michelle McCool riding as Cole reminds us they're "just friends".
Okay, he lost to Jamie Noble for a solid month and was implied to have beaten Michelle...why are people not booing? Because
it's Chuck Palumbo and he couldn't get heat if he legitimately took out a knife and stabbed Ric Flair in Raleigh? Oh. Actually,
considering it's the Carolina's... anyway, Kenny and Victoria out now, and she's wearing a big t-shirt over her tights during
her entrance, HHH style, only much less disgusting.
"Macho Man" Chuck Palumbo & Miss Michelle McCool vs "The Dykes"
Kenny Dykstra & Victoria
A slimmer looking Chuck, who has stolen Jeff Hardy's black pants with white towel rag in the back
pocket, quickly lays out Kenny, so he tags in Victoria, who jumps on Palumbo. He slams her with an easy conscience because,
if you can sucker punch a girl, what's a quick slam on some canvas? McCool does get the tag and her and Victoria put on a
very good showing, with Victoria looking brutal and McCool hitting some athletic arm drags and the like. A sloppy belly to
belly on Victoria later and she tags in Chuck and Victoria Kenny, who comes off the top only to get caught by Palumbo for
a sloppy belly to belly of his own. Pin for two and whip to corner, but Kenny dodges and lands a neckbreaker for two. Kenny
actually getting some heat and goes up top, but Palumbo nails him and lands a superplex from the second rope. Palumbo then
tags Michelle as Victoria was coming in after getting the tag, and Palumbo throws McCool from the turnbuckle at Victoria.
Friends don't throw friends at other people, Chuck! But I suppose they also don't give eachother black eyes either. Kenny
on the apron for the distraction so McCool nails him, but Victoria gets her with the Widow's Peak as she turned around and
gets the three.
Winner : Victoria & Kenny Dykstra
Afterwards, Palumbo berates McCool all slow and Orton like. "You...can't do no-thing...right." He
rides off, leaving her in the ring.
Backstage, Vickie sends Long back to get her the coffee she likes. Not black. Chavo bursts in and
says this relationship with Edge is sick. She says she put him in the tournament, what more does he want? Well apparently,
Chavo wants "something to turn back the hands of time, something he just...can't have". The cruiserweight title? Hey, I mean,
it's something. Seriously though, how long can they milk this Eddie stuff? And why doesn't Chavo grow a pair and refuse to
do this stupid storyline? I mean, I can see why Vickie wouldn't want to end this Edge storyline. She gets to make out with
a tall blond ripped wreslter, and a middle-aged MINF like her (n for never, of course) doesn't exactly have a lot to choose
from. Like, at all. Commercials.
Fuck you Catherine, what do you, want me to quit? Let's see you recap a Smackdown where Matt
Hardy and fucking Deuce are all over the US Title scene.
Back to Chavo who is out all dancing and stuff. I guess that emotional breakdown he just suffered
wasn't that big of a deal. He's wearing one of those big Mexican shoulder dress things, and it looks like he's trying to pull
it off seriously. His opponent is Funaki, and it's that little gremlin-looking ref Mickie Henson officiating this one.
Funaki vs Chavo Guerrero, Beat the Clock Challenge
They need to beat 9:46. Guerrero with an early uppercut and cover as Coach commends him for "getting
his moves in before time runs out". Chavo with some weak offense and one counts, and Funaki actually gets a headscissors in.
Nice tilt a whirl slam by Chavo gets two, and referee Mickie Henson looks like Quasi Modo, if Quasi Modo lost his hump and
became a vampire. I guess what I'm trying to say is, he looks like an acid-faced serial killer, monster. NOTHING PERSONAL,
THOUGH. He's counting tons of nearfalls in this match as they're basically just exchanging pin attempts. Funaki lands an enziguri
and crossbody pin off the top for two. Chavo however stops that shit with a Gory Bomb for the win at the 6:02 mark.
Winner : Chavo Guerrero
Batista on his way to win a squash as we go to commercials.
I got on AIM under a fake name and posed as a hot college girl (with a photobucket featuring stolen
pictures from a hot stranger on myspace and everything!) and invited my friend up to my dorm room, for Christmas,
at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. (most random fucking college I knew) Which is like 500 miles away. He told
me about it later all cocky and shit, "dude check dis at out man im gettin laaaid! i gots darections from her n everything!"
(made possible by wikipedia and mapquest) I haven't seen him yet, but I heard he went. I'm debating whether to tell him or
not. And I'm leaning towards not. He's a big guy...
Back and Batista is out and Cole gets in his quick string of irrelevant one-liners "Batista is on
his way to being world champion!" and Coach is timid as shit, so it's pretty silent after that. His opponent is Curt Hawkins,
one of Edge's Heads, and Batista just laughs at him. Vicky on the Tron now and says Teddy has an announcement. Long announces
Batista will be facing both Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder in a Handicap match. The Johnny Nitro to Hawkins' Mercury makes his
way down and we get to hear those generic guitar riffs all over again.
Batista vs Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder, Handicap Beat The Clock Match
No tagging tonight and Batista fends them off with punches and clotheslines. Shoulder thrust in the
corner and Teest goes for the Bomb early but a charge from another of the Heads stops him, so Dave just backbody drops him.
Zack from up high now with a double axe handle but he gets caught and Batista hurls him into the ringpost. Another Bomb attempt
but the other Edgehead breaks it up ( I can't differentiate them) and they hit a double team clothesline/knee clip. Double
whip into the corner by the Edgeheads and one of them hits a dropkick for two. Loud Batista chang starts just as Ryder boots
him out of the ring. Outside now Batista mounts his comeback and throws them around the outside area. He rolls one back in
but as he was following, the other grabs his leg on the apron, while the one he rolled in came off the top for a flying famouser
on Batista, sending him tumbling into the ring. Lots of MNM-esque offense from here. Really, these guys are like carbon copies.
Minus the good gimmicks and booking, I mean. Guess we'll look forward to seeing a John Morrison - Curt Hawkbain feud in the
not too distant future. Double DDT now, which Batista takes like shit. They go for another but Batista throws them away this
time. He then clotheslines both of them in their abdomens, which Cole calls a "spear". Powerslam and spinebuster from here
and the clock is counting down the seconds, so he goes for the Bomb but one of the Edgeheads grabs onto his partner's legs,
preventing Batista from executing it. The buzzer then sounds, and he then lays down in the ring and cries, seriously, as the
Edgeheads scurry away. Cooooooommmmercail break!
Sicily 8 is the Mob Planet. I guess the first seven Sicilies are just regular non-descript planets,
Back to a recap of HHH-Flair. Before tonight, that was the only wrestling match I've seen all week.
And even though I knew it was coming, I still cursed out loud at such a fucking bullshit finish. It didn't even make sense!
William Regal tries to regain Vince's trust by...completely fucking up his master plan to force Ric Flair into retirement?
I would've accepted a fucking double KO more gracefully.
MVP is on the phone with his agent and says he's better than Finlay - NO, he's better than EVERYONE!
And he needs to do something to make everyone else respect his greatness. He's going to shatter the glass ceiling and do what
HHH couldn't do - force Ric Flair to retire. Interview with Cole and Rey Mysterio now, whose appearance gets a big ethnic
pop. Mysterio reiterates the details of the Beat The Clock match, because apparently he isn't aware that that's all Coach
has managed to choke out tonight. I mean really, I never thought I'd be complaining that Coach wasn't talking enough, but
come the fuck on. He does know that his being black alone doesn't fulfill the duties of color commentator, right? Anyway,
Rey says he will do anything to wear the World Title around his waist again, however loose-fitting and ridiculous it may have
looked there the first go round. Commercials!
My grandpa said I drive like a chink.
Back to tag team action featuring Deuce and Domino and Moore Wang (TM Gershon... or James Swift...
or somebody, I don't know. Let's just say it was me.)
Deuce & Domino w/ Cherry vs Shannon Moore & Jimmy Want Wang w/ hilarious penis
Jimmy Yang and Deuce to start things off. Yang looks athletic as hell countering Deuce's basic moves
with smooth flips and nice kicks until Deuce hurls him out. He knocks into Cherry and helps her up, and she gets all starry-eyed,
until Domino knocks him down from behind because dats his baby sistuh! God help me, but I love the greasers' gimmick and their
acting so much I can look past the sub par, and in Domino's case, just plain shitty wrestling and still enjoy them. Deuce
rolls him back in and front suplexes him onto the ropes and tags in Domino, who delivers the exact same flying famouser spot
we just saw in the last match. Domino now with a headlock of sorts which he starts shaking in frustration. Yang with the jawbreaker
to get out and eventually tags Moore, who hits a nice calf and spinning wheel kick. Flying crossbody on Domino now gets two
until Deuce breaks it up. Double team attempt with Deuce on the top rope and Domino lifting Moore up backfires as Moore weasels
out and shoves Domino into his partner, crotching him. Then something quick happened giving the Rejected Redneck Recking Crew
the win. I don't know, I was working on my Droopy Dog impression while talking to my dog. They remind us Moore Wang will be
competing for the Tag Titles against Miz and Morrison on ECW next week as we go to commercials.
Jezebel Black is a good witch's name. There are no good warlock names, however. Because that is just
Back just in time to see the Undertaker's entrance in full. This is his first appearance since losing
his title to Edge at Armageddon. And he looks, well, rather indifferent, actually. His opponent is Matt Striker, from BAYSIDE,
New York. And his entrance music is a loud ringing class bell. He NEEDS to start a Saved by the Bell stable. Now. Like, right
now. He can be Mr. Belding, and the Miz would make a good Screech. Oh! And Mark Henry could be Slater! And Big Daddy V could
be...nobody, because everyone on that show was attractive. Anyway, Striker comes out in a ref outfit and says he's actually
the referee and introduces Taker's real opponent tonight...Mark Henry. You know, the guy Taker's cleanly beaten half a dozen
times in the past year. He's out wearing a pretty elaborate knee brace. How the fuck is he injured, again? God I do not feel
like recapping this match again. So I won't!
Undertaker vs Mark Henry, Beat the Clock Challenge
Matt Striker didn't count the three and Taker didn't beat the clock. The end.
I want to be a stand-up comedian when I grow up. Only I won't tell wrestling jokes, because
I want to be a successful stand-up comedian.
Backstage with Matt Striker is the newest interviewer, Diva Search reject Lena. The Asian one. Striker
says if Taker ever tries to put his hands on him, Big Daddy V will punish him. I guess we all know whose getting tombstoned
at Wrestlemania this year!
Royal Rumble lowdown now. Jericho vs JBL, Orton vs Hardy, and Edge vs Question Marks. Man. That sounds
like shit. As if anybody buys the Rumble for anything other than the Rumble itself anyway. They say only one man has the chance
to best Chavo's time now and become Number One Contender, and that man is Rey Mysterio. And not his fucking opponent, I guess.
My girlfriend turned heel on me and aligned herself with my best friend, so I bested him in a parking
lot brawl the next night with a lead pipe, but I got run off after the match due to outside interference from a concerned
pedestrian and the police.
Back to an advert for next week's Raw Roulette, which brought us such memorable events as the
first women's cage match, and...that's about all I remember. Why is this a big deal again? Neat fact : I had lunch at the
Mohegan Sun Casino last week. It's not so much a casino as it is a huge mall with slot machines scattered throughout it. They
burned my grilled chicken sandwich, by the way. Anyway. Rey is out in gold and black and he whispers sweet nothings to little
front row children who shelled out the 200 dollars for his mask. "Dis one's for all of my little spoiled ese's in the Barrio!"
His opponent is revealed to be...EDGE~! He's accompanied by the other Edges and is smiling big. I don't blame him. I'd rather
face Chavo Guerrero than Rey Mysterio too. I mean, ha, Chavo's just a puny little Mexican cruiserweight whose entire moveset
consists of lightweight, low impact lucha moves and the occassional technical armbar or something! Next to REY MYSTERIO, Chavo's
a cake walk!
Edge vs Rey Mysterio, Beat The Clock Match
Rey has 6:02 seconds to overtake Chavo as number one contender. Edge starts off by burying himself
between the ropes, then finally comes out, only to run outside and make chitchat with Ryder. Back in, Mysterio charges him,
so he just runs right back out. Back in AGAIN, Mysterio finally unleashes a flurry of offense preventing him from going back
out. Seated sentons and crossbodies culminate in a two count, and Edge gets up and slides Mysterio out, where the Edgeheads
lay into him as the ref was backing Edge up from pursuing him to the outside. Back in, Edge continues to dominate, until Batista
comes down and lays out the Edgeheads. One goes headfirst into the steps and then he clotheslines them both over the barricade.
Edge, distracted, is dropkicked into the ropes and barely dodged a 619 attempt. Mysterio then gets a nearfall and delivers
a stiff kick to Edge's head. DDT attempt from Mysterio is countered by Edge, but The Undertaker is up at the top of the ramp,
and raises his arms so the lights go out and the gong bongs. The lights come back on a few seconds later and Edge is laying
dazed draped over the second rope and Taker is nowhere to be seen. Rey sees Edge in the position and looks surprised, but
then shrugs and hits a 619 and splash off the ropes for the three count.
Winner and new number one contender : Rey Mysterio
Edge pushes back his hair and puts on that shocked fish out of water face as Rey celebrates, and
so does the Richmond crowd at the relief of a Chavo-Edge main event gone for now and, hopefully, forever. END SHOW.
Happy New Year : The finish to the main event
was creative and managed to further the three way feud and get Edge over even more as a heel by seeing just how many people
he really did fuck up in Batista, Taker, and his attempt to take out Rey. Finlay and MVP was also solid minus the anti-climactic
ending and bullshit psychology. And though I didn't cover it, Striker was a funny ref.
Shit, January's Cold : They couldn't get anyone
else but Coach, really? Not only is he awful, boring, generic, the epitome of mediocre and terrible, but he is replacing JBL
of all people, my personal favorite color guy ever. Coach and Cole are just a horrible match. Due to both being horrible individual commentators?
Possibly. But Cole's laughably ridiculous, and plus I'm used to tolerating him. I really hope Coach gets replaced by the end
of the month.
Remember That New Year's Eve Party? (You got felt up after you
passed out) : Remember when everyone always knew who was going to win the Royal Rumble and what was going
to happen as a result of it? That's right, you don't. It's always up in the air and this year is no exception. I couldn't
even make a guess, it could go lots of ways, not to mention what'll happen after the Rumble as far as other number one contenders
(an oxymoron, I know) and the winner defending his title shot, not to mention jumping shows. And, yeah I know it might just
go to Batista anyway. Again. But still. It might not. I get more excited about the Rumble then any other event of the year.
If Wrestlemania is where legends are born, then the Rumble is where they're conceived. And you can watch for only $39.99!
Where else are you going to see conception at that price? Those pay channels where all the movies are labelled in red?
Perhaps. But still. The Rumble is always fun. So look alive, mateys, it's right around the corner.