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SmackDown Rant Archive (January 2008)

January 04, 2008
January 11, 2008
January 18, 2008
January 25, 2008

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (01/04/08) 

 Show starts off with a recap of SD! two weeks ago showing the formation of the Edgeheads and their subsequent handicap victory over Batista with loud staticy noises and Tazz's muffled voice (as opposed to his regular loud muffled voice) as they laid the chairtastic beatdown on Big Teest after the match. Opening video and why in the FUCK is Festus featured with his own little animated guy and everything? Thin roster aside, we are PRETAPED from Richmond, Virginia, and the crowd is surprisingly very vocal in their disapproval as Vickie makes her entrance with her "indentured servant" Teddy Long. Surprising because, you know, Robert E. Lee was from Virginia. T-the Confederate General in the Civil War. Yeah... that reference is kinda old. Okay, how about, gee, I sure hope no one pisses Jimmy Yang off tonight! There, that's better. Vickie says if Taker or Batista lay a finger on Edge they won't ever get a rematch. She then announces a Beat The Clock Challenge to determine the number one contender for Edge's title at the Rumble. "Among" the participants, aka the guys who will compete to defeat members of random tag teams the quickest, are Finlay, Rey, Batista, and Taker. She then introduces SD!'s new color commentator, to replace JBL....JONATHAN COACHMAN. Sean, this is my two weeks. He shakes hands with Teddy, flaunting his slightly lighter skin tone and, thus, his freedom on the show, and then jogs over to the desk, from which he stands and waves to complete and utter silence. He then sits his dumbass down and Justin Roberts introduces the first competitor in the Challenge, Finlay. His opponent is MVP, who is just a shoo-in for this. He does start gunning after he hears the clock ticking, you know. He should've worn a big Flav clock chain just for tonight. It'd be topical, and even that wouldn't make him look any more stupid than wearing a fucking t-shirt over his body suit.
Finlay w/ Hornswoggle vs MVP, Beat The Clock Match
MVP and Finlay with some nice chain wrestling. Headlocks, toeholds, that whole bit, but that quickly deteriorates into angry yelling and bitch slapping. MVP now with a boot on Finlay off a whip and then hurls Finlay out, where he delivers a short arm clothesline to Finlay on the outside as we roll on to commercials.
Timmy the Tooth and The Land Before Time. That's all I ever used to need to be happy.
Back and we're five minutes in and Coach has yet to say shit. Unfortunately, he eventually does and simply reiterates, and by that I mean directly repeat, Cole's explanation for the rules of the Beat the Clock Challenge. MVP with a sort of Sky High move and goes for the pin, but Finlay lifts his shoulders and locks in a body scissors, still in the same spot he was planted by the Sky High at. MVP eventually stands and breaks the hold and initiates a long headlock on the downed Finlay. Because that's exacltly the strategy you'd use in a fucking Beat the Clock match. Finlay eventually gets out, but sells the headlock and stumbles to his knees, where MVP hits him with a kick to the side of the head for two. P with strikes but Finlay rolls over and gets on top of him and looks to end this quick by...locking in an arm bar. Christ, Finlay. He breaks the hold after about a minute and whips P to the corner, but shoulders himself on the ringpost as P dodged. MVP with a huge boot on Finlay in the corner, to which P pins but Finlay gets a ropebreak. Hornswoggle then slides in that long cane which MVP picks up and looks to use on Finlay, because he figures his US Title is good enough, I suppose. But the ref takes it away and, while getting rid of it, Horny slides the regular shilaylay in and Finlay nails P with it for the win.
Winner : Finlay
Vince is out now, and he is all smiles and hugs his bastard child and high fives him. He then points at Finlay in congratulation and tosses Horny his hat as Finlay looks on cautiously. Commercials!
Excerpt from the Fannies : Catherine Perez - I hope MVP gets drafted to Raw this year. My rebuttal next commercial break.
Back to the Auto Zone Slam of the Night or something. It's Jamie Noble's date with McCool, and her acting isn't the only thing wooden now, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.
Palumbo out now on his bike with Michelle McCool riding as Cole reminds us they're "just friends". Okay, he lost to Jamie Noble for a solid month and was implied to have beaten Michelle...why are people not booing? Because it's Chuck Palumbo and he couldn't get heat if he legitimately took out a knife and stabbed Ric Flair in Raleigh? Oh. Actually, considering it's the Carolina's... anyway, Kenny and Victoria out now, and she's wearing a big t-shirt over her tights during her entrance, HHH style, only much less disgusting.
"Macho Man" Chuck Palumbo & Miss Michelle McCool vs "The Dykes" Kenny Dykstra & Victoria
A slimmer looking Chuck, who has stolen Jeff Hardy's black pants with white towel rag in the back pocket, quickly lays out Kenny, so he tags in Victoria, who jumps on Palumbo. He slams her with an easy conscience because, if you can sucker punch a girl, what's a quick slam on some canvas? McCool does get the tag and her and Victoria put on a very good showing, with Victoria looking brutal and McCool hitting some athletic arm drags and the like. A sloppy belly to belly on Victoria later and she tags in Chuck and Victoria Kenny, who comes off the top only to get caught by Palumbo for a sloppy belly to belly of his own. Pin for two and whip to corner, but Kenny dodges and lands a neckbreaker for two. Kenny actually getting some heat and goes up top, but Palumbo nails him and lands a superplex from the second rope. Palumbo then tags Michelle as Victoria was coming in after getting the tag, and Palumbo throws McCool from the turnbuckle at Victoria. Friends don't throw friends at other people, Chuck! But I suppose they also don't give eachother black eyes either. Kenny on the apron for the distraction so McCool nails him, but Victoria gets her with the Widow's Peak as she turned around and gets the three.
Winner : Victoria & Kenny Dykstra
Afterwards, Palumbo berates McCool all slow and Orton like. "You...can't do no-thing...right." He rides off, leaving her in the ring.
Backstage, Vickie sends Long back to get her the coffee she likes. Not black. Chavo bursts in and says this relationship with Edge is sick. She says she put him in the tournament, what more does he want? Well apparently, Chavo wants "something to turn back the hands of time, something he just...can't have". The cruiserweight title? Hey, I mean, it's something. Seriously though, how long can they milk this Eddie stuff? And why doesn't Chavo grow a pair and refuse to do this stupid storyline? I mean, I can see why Vickie wouldn't want to end this Edge storyline. She gets to make out with a tall blond ripped wreslter, and a middle-aged MINF like her (n for never, of course) doesn't exactly have a lot to choose from. Like, at all. Commercials.
Fuck you Catherine, what do you, want me to quit? Let's see you recap a Smackdown where Matt Hardy and fucking Deuce are all over the US Title scene.
Back to Chavo who is out all dancing and stuff. I guess that emotional breakdown he just suffered wasn't that big of a deal. He's wearing one of those big Mexican shoulder dress things, and it looks like he's trying to pull it off seriously. His opponent is Funaki, and it's that little gremlin-looking ref Mickie Henson officiating this one.
Funaki vs Chavo Guerrero, Beat the Clock Challenge
They need to beat 9:46. Guerrero with an early uppercut and cover as Coach commends him for "getting his moves in before time runs out". Chavo with some weak offense and one counts, and Funaki actually gets a headscissors in. Nice tilt a whirl slam by Chavo gets two, and referee Mickie Henson looks like Quasi Modo, if Quasi Modo lost his hump and became a vampire. I guess what I'm trying to say is, he looks like an acid-faced serial killer, monster. NOTHING PERSONAL, THOUGH. He's counting tons of nearfalls in this match as they're basically just exchanging pin attempts. Funaki lands an enziguri and crossbody pin off the top for two. Chavo however stops that shit with a Gory Bomb for the win at the 6:02 mark.
Winner : Chavo Guerrero
Batista on his way to win a squash as we go to commercials.
I got on AIM under a fake name and posed as a hot college girl (with a photobucket featuring stolen pictures from a hot stranger on myspace and everything!) and invited my friend up to my dorm room, for Christmas, at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. (most random fucking college I knew) Which is like 500 miles away. He told me about it later all cocky and shit, "dude check dis at out man im gettin laaaid! i gots darections from her n everything!" (made possible by wikipedia and mapquest) I haven't seen him yet, but I heard he went. I'm debating whether to tell him or not. And I'm leaning towards not. He's a big guy...
Back and Batista is out and Cole gets in his quick string of irrelevant one-liners "Batista is on his way to being world champion!" and Coach is timid as shit, so it's pretty silent after that. His opponent is Curt Hawkins, one of Edge's Heads, and Batista just laughs at him. Vicky on the Tron now and says Teddy has an announcement. Long announces Batista will be facing both Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder in a Handicap match. The Johnny Nitro to Hawkins' Mercury makes his way down and we get to hear those generic guitar riffs all over again.
Batista vs Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder, Handicap Beat The Clock Match
No tagging tonight and Batista fends them off with punches and clotheslines. Shoulder thrust in the corner and Teest goes for the Bomb early but a charge from another of the Heads stops him, so Dave just backbody drops him. Zack from up high now with a double axe handle but he gets caught and Batista hurls him into the ringpost. Another Bomb attempt but the other Edgehead breaks it up ( I can't differentiate them) and they hit a double team clothesline/knee clip. Double whip into the corner by the Edgeheads and one of them hits a dropkick for two. Loud Batista chang starts just as Ryder boots him out of the ring. Outside now Batista mounts his comeback and throws them around the outside area. He rolls one back in but as he was following, the other grabs his leg on the apron, while the one he rolled in came off the top for a flying famouser on Batista, sending him tumbling into the ring. Lots of MNM-esque offense from here. Really, these guys are like carbon copies. Minus the good gimmicks and booking, I mean. Guess we'll look forward to seeing a John Morrison - Curt Hawkbain feud in the not too distant future. Double DDT now, which Batista takes like shit. They go for another but Batista throws them away this time. He then clotheslines both of them in their abdomens, which Cole calls a "spear". Powerslam and spinebuster from here and the clock is counting down the seconds, so he goes for the Bomb but one of the Edgeheads grabs onto his partner's legs, preventing Batista from executing it. The buzzer then sounds, and he then lays down in the ring and cries, seriously, as the Edgeheads scurry away. Cooooooommmmercail break!
Sicily 8 is the Mob Planet. I guess the first seven Sicilies are just regular non-descript planets, then.
Back to a recap of HHH-Flair. Before tonight, that was the only wrestling match I've seen all week. And even though I knew it was coming, I still cursed out loud at such a fucking bullshit finish. It didn't even make sense! William Regal tries to regain Vince's trust by...completely fucking up his master plan to force Ric Flair into retirement? I would've accepted a fucking double KO more gracefully.
MVP is on the phone with his agent and says he's better than Finlay - NO, he's better than EVERYONE! And he needs to do something to make everyone else respect his greatness. He's going to shatter the glass ceiling and do what HHH couldn't do - force Ric Flair to retire. Interview with Cole and Rey Mysterio now, whose appearance gets a big ethnic pop. Mysterio reiterates the details of the Beat The Clock match, because apparently he isn't aware that that's all Coach has managed to choke out tonight. I mean really, I never thought I'd be complaining that Coach wasn't talking enough, but come the fuck on. He does know that his being black alone doesn't fulfill the duties of color commentator, right? Anyway, Rey says he will do anything to wear the World Title around his waist again, however loose-fitting and ridiculous it may have looked there the first go round. Commercials!
My grandpa said I drive like a chink.
Back to tag team action featuring Deuce and Domino and Moore Wang (TM Gershon... or James Swift... or somebody, I don't know. Let's just say it was me.)
Deuce & Domino w/ Cherry vs Shannon Moore & Jimmy Want Wang w/ hilarious penis references
Jimmy Yang and Deuce to start things off. Yang looks athletic as hell countering Deuce's basic moves with smooth flips and nice kicks until Deuce hurls him out. He knocks into Cherry and helps her up, and she gets all starry-eyed, until Domino knocks him down from behind because dats his baby sistuh! God help me, but I love the greasers' gimmick and their acting so much I can look past the sub par, and in Domino's case, just plain shitty wrestling and still enjoy them. Deuce rolls him back in and front suplexes him onto the ropes and tags in Domino, who delivers the exact same flying famouser spot we just saw in the last match. Domino now with a headlock of sorts which he starts shaking in frustration. Yang with the jawbreaker to get out and eventually tags Moore, who hits a nice calf and spinning wheel kick. Flying crossbody on Domino now gets two until Deuce breaks it up. Double team attempt with Deuce on the top rope and Domino lifting Moore up backfires as Moore weasels out and shoves Domino into his partner, crotching him. Then something quick happened giving the Rejected Redneck Recking Crew the win. I don't know, I was working on my Droopy Dog impression while talking to my dog. They remind us Moore Wang will be competing for the Tag Titles against Miz and Morrison on ECW next week as we go to commercials.
Jezebel Black is a good witch's name. There are no good warlock names, however. Because that is just gay.
Back just in time to see the Undertaker's entrance in full. This is his first appearance since losing his title to Edge at Armageddon. And he looks, well, rather indifferent, actually. His opponent is Matt Striker, from BAYSIDE, New York. And his entrance music is a loud ringing class bell. He NEEDS to start a Saved by the Bell stable. Now. Like, right now. He can be Mr. Belding, and the Miz would make a good Screech. Oh! And Mark Henry could be Slater! And Big Daddy V could be...nobody, because everyone on that show was attractive. Anyway, Striker comes out in a ref outfit and says he's actually the referee and introduces Taker's real opponent tonight...Mark Henry. You know, the guy Taker's cleanly beaten half a dozen times in the past year. He's out wearing a pretty elaborate knee brace. How the fuck is he injured, again? God I do not feel like recapping this match again. So I won't!
Undertaker vs Mark Henry, Beat the Clock Challenge
Matt Striker didn't count the three and Taker didn't beat the clock. The end.
Commercials attack.
 I want to be a stand-up comedian when I grow up. Only I won't tell wrestling jokes, because I want to be a successful stand-up comedian.
Backstage with Matt Striker is the newest interviewer, Diva Search reject Lena. The Asian one. Striker says if Taker ever tries to put his hands on him, Big Daddy V will punish him. I guess we all know whose getting tombstoned at Wrestlemania this year!
Royal Rumble lowdown now. Jericho vs JBL, Orton vs Hardy, and Edge vs Question Marks. Man. That sounds like shit. As if anybody buys the Rumble for anything other than the Rumble itself anyway. They say only one man has the chance to best Chavo's time now and become Number One Contender, and that man is Rey Mysterio. And not his fucking opponent, I guess. Commercials.
My girlfriend turned heel on me and aligned herself with my best friend, so I bested him in a parking lot brawl the next night with a lead pipe, but I got run off after the match due to outside interference from a concerned pedestrian and the police.
Back to an advert for next week's Raw Roulette, which brought us such memorable events as the first women's cage match, and...that's about all I remember. Why is this a big deal again? Neat fact : I had lunch at the Mohegan Sun Casino last week. It's not so much a casino as it is a huge mall with slot machines scattered throughout it. They burned my grilled chicken sandwich, by the way. Anyway. Rey is out in gold and black and he whispers sweet nothings to little front row children who shelled out the 200 dollars for his mask. "Dis one's for all of my little spoiled ese's in the Barrio!" His opponent is revealed to be...EDGE~! He's accompanied by the other Edges and is smiling big. I don't blame him. I'd rather face Chavo Guerrero than Rey Mysterio too. I mean, ha, Chavo's just a puny little Mexican cruiserweight whose entire moveset consists of lightweight, low impact lucha moves and the occassional technical armbar or something! Next to REY MYSTERIO, Chavo's a cake walk!
Edge vs Rey Mysterio, Beat The Clock Match
Rey has 6:02 seconds to overtake Chavo as number one contender. Edge starts off by burying himself between the ropes, then finally comes out, only to run outside and make chitchat with Ryder. Back in, Mysterio charges him, so he just runs right back out. Back in AGAIN, Mysterio finally unleashes a flurry of offense preventing him from going back out. Seated sentons and crossbodies culminate in a two count, and Edge gets up and slides Mysterio out, where the Edgeheads lay into him as the ref was backing Edge up from pursuing him to the outside. Back in, Edge continues to dominate, until Batista comes down and lays out the Edgeheads. One goes headfirst into the steps and then he clotheslines them both over the barricade. Edge, distracted, is dropkicked into the ropes and barely dodged a 619 attempt. Mysterio then gets a nearfall and delivers a stiff kick to Edge's head. DDT attempt from Mysterio is countered by Edge, but The Undertaker is up at the top of the ramp, and raises his arms so the lights go out and the gong bongs. The lights come back on a few seconds later and Edge is laying dazed draped over the second rope and Taker is nowhere to be seen. Rey sees Edge in the position and looks surprised, but then shrugs and hits a 619 and splash off the ropes for the three count.
Winner and new number one contender : Rey Mysterio
Edge pushes back his hair and puts on that shocked fish out of water face as Rey celebrates, and so does the Richmond crowd at the relief of a Chavo-Edge main event gone for now and, hopefully, forever. END SHOW.
Happy New Year : The finish to the main event was creative and managed to further the three way feud and get Edge over even more as a heel by seeing just how many people he really did fuck up in Batista, Taker, and his attempt to take out Rey. Finlay and MVP was also solid minus the anti-climactic ending and bullshit psychology. And though I didn't cover it, Striker was a funny ref.
Shit, January's Cold : They couldn't get anyone else but Coach, really? Not only is he awful, boring, generic, the epitome of mediocre and terrible, but he is replacing JBL of all people, my personal favorite color guy ever. Coach and Cole are just a horrible match. Due to both being horrible individual commentators? Possibly. But Cole's laughably ridiculous, and plus I'm used to tolerating him. I really hope Coach gets replaced by the end of the month.
Remember That New Year's Eve Party? (You got felt up after you passed out) : Remember when everyone always knew who was going to win the Royal Rumble and what was going to happen as a result of it? That's right, you don't. It's always up in the air and this year is no exception. I couldn't even make a guess, it could go lots of ways, not to mention what'll happen after the Rumble as far as other number one contenders (an oxymoron, I know) and the winner defending his title shot, not to mention jumping shows. And, yeah I know it might just go to Batista anyway. Again. But still. It might not. I get more excited about the Rumble then any other event of the year. If Wrestlemania is where legends are born, then the Rumble is where they're conceived. And you can watch for only $39.99! Where else are you going to see conception at that price? Those pay channels where all the movies are labelled in red? Perhaps. But still. The Rumble is always fun. So look alive, mateys, it's right around the corner.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (01/11/08) 

Hey, yo. Scott Hall is unreliable.

See, after an intro like THAT, this recap has no place to go but up! Which is good, considering it's late as hell due outside interference from, um, the moving truck. That's right, new house, new recap! New as in, the content being recapped, not the style or quality. What, you think I'm gonna put effort into this? You're a fool.

Hey allright, it's Vickie and her slave! See, it's not just white people who like slavery, it's simply anyone in power. Just because that 99% of those people are white doesn't mean the whole race should be condemned. That's for the blacks actually doing the slaving. But, enough not very subtle mocking, I mean, TRIBUTE, of my Smackdown Recap predecessors, because Vickie is introducing her longtime friend Rey Mysterio! "Who's that jumpin out the sky, R-E-Y Mysterio, here we go, off the top ro-" oh wait, it's his newer entrance music. "Booyaka booyaka 619, booyaka boo-", fuck it, I don't even want to do it anymore. Anyway, Rey's all gay and thanks her but says it's weird with her being with Edge, his Royal Rumble opponent, and wants to talk to her since he still cares about her because of Eddie and Jesus Christ, I knew they were going to bring him into this. Again. She says she doesn't want to talk about her personal life, and Rey's all "What's personal about it, you're making out on tv every damn week!" A-fucki ng-men. Where's the PTC when there's actually some vile stuff on tv, like Vickie's sucking another guy's tongue? And, more specifically, Vickie's face? Still talking about Eddie, Vickie says he loved her and would want her to move on. She's still in her 30's and can have more kids and Edge is the perfect father figure. Rey though says Edge doesn't really love her and disagrees about Edge making a good father. I SMELL AN ABORTION MATCH! "Rey's up on the ladder, can he reach the, YES, HE'S DONE IT! BAH GAWD R EY MYSTERIO'S REACHED THE DIRT DEVIL! Oh, but that jezebel Vickie isn't complying by the rules, Rey Mysterio's being forced to chase her around the ring! FOR GODSAKES SOMEBODY GET IN THERE AND HELP REY STRADDLE HER LEGS! THAT FETUS NEEDS TO BE SUCKED OUT!" Or, something. Hey, Edge is out! He says Rey doesn't know shit and their love is real, and after the Rumble, he'll still be champion. Rey says maybe their love is real, but after the Rumble, he won't be champion any longer.

Chavo is out now and says Rey needs to mind his own business. Rey tries to pipe up but Chavo says no matter how hard he tries, he'll never be a Guerrero. Chavo then says he can't believe Vickie can call herself a Guerrero. Oh shit, the crowd just cheered. I can't believe they're actually encouraging another fucking Eddie storyline. Chavo calls Vickie disgusting until Edge turns all angry boyfriend and Vickie turns all stupid bitch but she has a big angry boyfriend with her so you really can't say anyth ing but later when he's not around you can maybe bang her since she's kind of slutty like that and besides she's not really happy with him anyway. She says it's her show and she pays them all, so they just need to shut up. She then makes a match between Rey and Chavo for later tonight and grins her big horse teeth at them as we go to commercials.

Since this recap is late as it is, I don't have time to come up with little quips here, so I'll exchange the quips for an even worse word in FACTIODS. About myself, of course. Factoid number one : I am breathing in fiberglass and general filth in this new, unlivable room.

Back and Cole tells us Batista and Undertaker are now officially in the Royal Rumble match.
Now it's time for Chuck Palumbo's obligatory weekly loss. He makes his way down on his bike with Michelle McCool, despite yelling at her last week for getting pinned and beating her the week before that. Cole however clears this up by saying Chuck Palumbo has apologized for his actions. In non bullshit terms, that means he raised some hell at the battered women's shelter. His opponent tonight is Jamie Noble, who we're reminded has three straight wins over the Woman Chucker. Or some more clever nickname . They also say that before that losing streak, Chuck Palumbo's NEVER lost three matches in a row in the WWE. I guess if by "never" you mean, "since he re-debuted like five months ago after jobbing to everyone and his brother's mailman during his initial run", then maybe, but even then I doubt it. And no, turns out I'm actually not interested in his win loss record since he started riding a bike, so you can just keep your faggy emails to yourself.

Jamie Noble vs Chuck Palumbo w/ Michelle McCool w/ unblackened eye (for the time being)

Palumbo starts off by showing his known technical prowess with armbars and shit. He then just gives up being diverse and hits a body slam, boots, and straight punches to the face. He then hits a clothesline that gets two. Chinlock time and he starts getting frustrated. LOOK OUT, MICHELLE! He then hoists Noble up for a slam but Noble slides off and mounts another comeback with weak offense like kicks and the few other things cruiserweights are allowed to do to big guys. He then goes up and hits a bulldog fro m the top rope on Palumbo, after which he rolls him up for three.
Winner : Jamie Noble

Afterwards, Michelle comes in to tend to him. However, little does she know, Chuck's got a few beers in him and starts backing up into a corner and starts staring her down. Crowd actually getting into this and Palumbo eventually backs off when Noble threatens to come in the ring. So, McCool stays with Palumbo even though he's a big abusive mongoloid ape because Jamie Noble, the only who seems to give a shit about her situation, isn't as cool or good-looking. ONLY IN WRESTLING, RIGHT?!

In the back now, Edge tells Teddy to scram. "Yessuh massuh, you want I should a-go till the soil?" Yep. They then call eachother soulmates, etc. and Edge gives her a back massage. One pointless segment to another shows Batista walking to the ring on his way to face MVP, who will be attempting to retire Ric Flair at the Rumble. Batista disapproves of this because, like all top faces, he's good friends with Ric Flair. Commercials.

Another factoid. I am seventeen, never wrote a recap before TWF, and I'm apparently still a better recapper than all of you who tried out for a recap position here. How awful you all are. Don't give up though, I'm sure if I send in enough of these recaps late, you'll be able underwhelm everyone by replacing me.

Back and Cole informs us Taker is pissed about being screwed out of the Beat the Clock challenge last week, and so will face Matt Striker and Mark Henry in a handicap match later tonight. Because Big Daddy V needs to be kept strong till Wrestlemania. Then after that he can be immediately delegated to jobber status and released after two months. But for now, he's a MONSTER!

MVP on his way to the ring as Cole and Coach offer generic comments. "MVP could end Flair's career!" "And in doing so, might I add, would help his own!" "And you know he would like that!"

MVP with a mic first and reminds us of everything he's achieved in the past year, and at the Rumble he'll win another title - that of the man who ended Ric Flair's career. Batista's music hits and he makes his way down to the ring to kill an upper-midcarder. You thought DX was bad, pair up Batista and Triple H, I swear to God there won't be another guy put over for thirty years.

US Champion MVP vs Batista, nontitle

Stare down and circling to play up the fact that these guys haven't faced eachother in a long while, if ever. MVP goes for a lockup but gets shoved away, so they recircle until MVP lands a cheap shot and taunts him. P dodges a punch and locks in a headlock which takes Batista down, but he eventually gets back to his feet and shoves MVP away into the ropes, but when he was coming back Batista leapfrogged him and turned to hit him with a clothesline. Batista with a headlock of his own on the ground now until MVP gets out of that and shoves Batista into the ropes and leapfrogs him on his way back. He then tried to lay down but Batista, on his way back, just drops an elbow and drove MVP into the corner. Grunting shoulder thrusts until MVP gets out with a quick cheap shot and lands his running boot to Batista's head, knocking him out of the ring as we go to commercials.

Blind Melon is my favorite band of the moment. Who is that girl that sings with him on Mouthful of Cavities? That's an email from you guys I would actually  greatly appreciate. Probably should rewrite my last "factoid" now, but this shit is late enough. Plus, you need to grow some thick skin, you fucking dope.

Back and Batista is in control in the ring with his foot on MVP's stomach and throwing punches at his head until MVP lands a drop toe hold and a kick to Batista's head. P then gets driven back into a corner but P looks strong fighting out of it. Headlock on Batista until Teest tries to reverse into a back suplex, but MVP holds his ground and brings Batista back down to the mat. Batista struggles and flails and eventually breaks the hold to go on a rampage delivering multiple corner clotheslines and a sidesl am for two. Spinebuster and he looks for the Bomb but MVP just slides out of the ring and stopped Batista as he was going out to follow him. On the outside, MVP looks for a piledriver. I WONDER HOW THIS WILL END?! Turns out it's a backbody drop since it's the WWE. Both men look fatigued and P slams Batista into the steps and then hunches over in exasperation as it becomes evident this is going to end in a count out. Both guys slowly up on the apron until Batista bops MVP off with a punch and re-enters as th e ref calls for ten.

Winner : Batista

Afterwards, Batista hits a spear on MVP, because godforbid he look like a formidable opponent for his PPV singles match. Commercials!

My dad eats raw shrimp. Like, walks around with a bag of frozen shrimp and munches on them. I feel like exchanging my genes. I told that to someone standing behind me in line at the store, and they pointed me towards the customer service something something homonym joke about jeans.

Mark Henry and Matt Striker on their way to the ring, and Cole reminds us how fat Henry is. Clippage of them screwing Taker last week. Taker then makes his way down to the ring. Twenty minutes and change later, we're ready to begin.
Mark Henry & Matt Striker vs Undertaker, Handicap Match

The bell rings and Striker immediately hauls ass to the outside. Taker puts his mystical arcane powers on the back burner, choosing to go the route of arm wrenches and formidable strikes for now, as he works over Henry. Old School attempt but Striker shakes the ropes and Taker falls to the mat. Striker goes for a kick but Taker is up for his zombie sit and stare. Henry with the save, for about two seconds anyway, until Taker goes for a chokeslam. However, Striker distracts Taker, so Taker just nails the DIS GRACED schoolteacher with a big boot. Undertaker then goes for the Old School on Henry once again, hits it this time, and hits the tombstone for the three.

Winner : Undertaker

Afterwards, it's Big Daddy V. Allright. He and Henry doubleteam Taker, until Taker lands a DDT on Henry, since, having already lost to Taker last Wrestlemania, he has nothing left to contribute. Big Daddy V is still going strong though, until Taker clotheslines him over the top rope to the outside. Henry then takes his ten thousandth chokeslam since re-re-redebuting on Smackdown and Taker's music plays. Cole and Coach with more shitty commentary as they show us what just happened in shortened replay form. " He's ready for the Rumble!" "Also he's intense and ready!"

Back to the back and Hornswoggle is practicing arm wrestling when Vince comes in. He tells Horny he's proud that he's going to be arm wrestling tonight. He then talks up the possibility of him winning the Rumble and headlining Wrestlemania, filling his son with a healthy dose of false hopes for success, just like any good father would. Finlay then enters and mentions their "deal". Vince gets pissed and says to never mention the deal they made again. Finlay then asks how he's supposed to deal with 29 other g uys in the Rumble, but Vince says he'll watch after him. Hmm, pondersome. Commercials!

Is it really such a great idea to play up one of your wrestler's as being "publicly disgraced" for leaving his job to become a wrestler? Oh, right. THE FACTOID. The first PPV I ordered was Taboo Tuesday 2005. The second match was a tag match between Tyson Tomko and someone vs Eugene and Jimmy Snuka. Needless to say, I felt pretty ripped off after immediately.

Raw Rebound time and then Khali makes his way down to the ring with Rahjin Singh, Hornswoggle's arm rasslin opponent. He talks about some wwe.com article that "we've all read", aka absolutely no one. Hornswoggle then makes his entrance with Finlay. They recap Horny qualifying for the Rumble by teaming with Foley to defeat the Highlanders on Raw.

Hornswoggle w/ Finlay vs Rahjin Singh w/ The Great Khali, Arm Wrestling, um, match?

The ref tells us how this strange new match concept works, but Horny can't reach the table, so he has to get a chair. Bet he's feeling like a fat guy in a restaurant full of narrow booths right about now. Singh then stalls for a second, but finally decides he can take this midget bitch. Back in position to arm wrestle, but Singh again starts freaking out and convulsing. They show that Finlay has a control in his hand and has apparently rigged the table to electrify Singh. He comes back and they begin their "match" when Singh starts shaking some more allowing Hornswoggle to slam his hand down for the win.

Winner : Hornswoggle

Afterwards, Khali boots Finlay over the top rope. However, Finlay gets up and grabs a chair to chase Khali off. The Irishmen celebrate at their defeating the Indians as we go to commercials.

New factoid - I saw a retarded guy getting kicked out of Wal*Mart for exposing himself. I didn't see him do it, but I heard the woman employee who kicked him out talking to a customer about it.

Back and Kane is on his way to the ring. He'll be facing...DOMINO! Heeeeey!

Kane vs Domino w/ Deuce & Cherry

Kane starts off with his signature thwacking uppercut as Kane wears him out in the corner with punches and corner clotheslines. Irish whip and Kane lands a side slam as Domino was coming back. Kane up and off with a flying clothesline. "Is jes liek a jumbo jet!" Cole's stupidity overshadows Coach's silence. Domino however survives Kane the jet plane and goes up top, but Kane catches him with a chokeslam for three.

Winner : Kane

Hey look, Eve Torres is coming to Smackdown! You know, the Diva Search winner? Yeah, me neither. Commercial party.

These factoids are making me realize how uninteresting I am.

Back and the announcers tell us to go to wwe.com for reasons and such. Talking up the Royal Rumble now, and then time to build up Rey-Chavo tonight. We get clips from their I Quit match which sent Rey away for, well, a few months anyway. I Hiatus match? No? Oh. Anyway, their match is next, but NOW it's time for commercials! I like CW's commercials. Those five second Seinfeld conversation clips are great.

Cows explode after their dead for a while. Seriously. An old ass farmer told me that deadpan when I asked why their bones are always scattered all around. He started to explain how and why it happens, but I just walked off.

Rey is on his way out first, followed by Chavo. However, Edge is also out and he is assisting on commentary tonight, thank God. I gotta say, this new announce team of Cole and Coachman is pretty fucking awful, but silver lining, maybe they'll put more people in guest commentary spots. Yeah a lot of those people will be like Batista and shit, but still. I like it.

Rey Mysterio vs Chavo Guerrero

Circling, circling, and now Chavo backs Rey up into the turnbuckle. Ref breaks the hold so Chavo backs off, only to land a cheap shot at Rey's legs which brings him down. Irish whip sends Rey off but he ducks Chavo's clothesline attempt on the rebound and lands a headscissors. Chavo quickly regains control, however, and hits Rey with a scoop slam and an elbow drop for two. Another whip on Rey but he counters this one as well with a boot. Another little boot sends Chavo out of the ring to fulfill the necessa ry quota for all WWE matches over two minutes long. Rey out on the apron for a moonsault, but Chavo yanks him off and hurls him into the steel steps as we roll on to s'more commercials.

I've never seen a WCW or ECW show. Not even ONS. But yet I can talk about it from other people's opinions and make like I know what the fuck I'm talking about and you don't have any idea.

Back and Chavo has an arm hold I'm too dumb to know on Rey, but he punches his way out. Chavo just takes him back down though and lays in with stomps as Rey crawls toward a corner, where Chavo presses Rey's face into the turnbuckle pad with his boot. Another arm hold which he really cinches up on until Rey gets up and starts in on Chavo's knees with kicks. Rey then grabs Chavo's hand and springboards from the top rope for a headscissors but he fucks it up. Unfortunately, since this is a SD! crowd, and also it's on the CW, we don't get the best chant ever. Chavo now running at Rey, but he dodges and sends Guerrero out of the ring again. Rey off the top rope now with a sort of crossbody that sends Guerrero into the barricade. Back in, Rey lands a moonsault for two. Chavo up now and he tries for the three amigos, but Rey escapes and Chavo tries to go back to working the arm, but Rey sends him into the second rope, hits the 619, then goes up top for the frog splash on Chavo for the win.

Winner : Rey Mysterio

After the match, Edge starts the ASSAULT on Rey. Enter the Edgeheads and they each take a hold of Rey's arms and Edge lands some kicks on him. They release him and he falls whimpering to the mat. Edge grabs his belt and shoves it in his face, saying "You can't do it!" Despite the fact that, you know, he already has in fact done it. END SHOW.

Turn it up, it's Sonic Youth or some lesser band that you like! : The main event match was allright, but my favorite part of the night was the Finlay-Vince exchange. This has so much potential to fix the illegitimate son angle, I hope it does result in the discover of Finlay lending Vince Hornswoggle to say is his son, and the real son being Kennedy. Or "somebody". But, come on. It's Kennedy. And then maybe we can see Kennedy & Hornswoggle vs Finlay & VINCE(~!) at Wrestlemania, huh?! I really, sincerely hope they don't fuck this up.

Oh no, it's Gruntruck... : Eddie died, what, over two years ago. And they're STILL doing angles about him. I don't find it necessarily offensive as much as I find it, you know, fucking boring and stupid. "You ain't no Guerrero Rey, you a poser!" "Quit dating Edge, Vickie, or you're not a true Guerrero!" "What about Eddie, Vickie?!" Such weak bullshit. I mean, where's our Benoit storylines?! Now THERE'S a money feud that'll get any babyface over like a motherfucker! Bring back Chris Benoit's understudy Gunne r Scott, rename him Gunner Benoit, and give him the same music and have him wear the 4-Real tights and lay Bibles next to his prone opponents after he knocks them out with a flying headbutt and sometimes try to choke out women and children in the front row and allright I'll stop.

Remember BB Mak? How gay was that?! ...allright I liked them. : Remember when Goldberg ran rampant through WCW? They should bring him back and do that on Smackdown, so if he ever lowblows someone, I can form some sort of joke about circumcision or something, I don't know I kind of have to get this recap in. Like, now. As in, right the fuck now. So, remember something on your own. Like the first time you had sex! Wait, this is a site about wrestling jokes. Terrible suggestion. Okay, how about, the first time you...got punched in the face and crammed into a locker for oggling a bigger guy's girlfriend's cleavage. Hitting a little too close to home? Well, whatever. Just remember the cleavage then. I bet if you weren't so revolting, she would totally do you!


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (01/18/08) 

We start off with a video of Undertaker winning last year's Royal Rumble. And in just one year's time, he's gone from Rumble winner to feuding with Batista to winning the title at Mania and, now, feuding with Matt Striker and fucking Viscera. Taker follows the video up by coming down to the ring. Despite the initial pop, do you think everyone's quiet during Undertaker's entrance out of respect for the atmosphere, or because they don't want to cheer for fifteen straight minutes? Taker gets in the ring w ith a mic(~!) He explains he doesn't usually come out to talk, because he usually doesn't have much to say. This must be important then! Let's see! He says in nine days if the 29 men in the Rumble stand before him, they will fall before him, and if they enter the ring, they will "rest....in....peeeeace." Well, that certainly was urgent. Matt Striker and Big Daddy V are out now. Striker says Taker had such an easy time last year because Big Daddy V wasn't in it. The fuck he wasn't, it took like six people to eliminate him. I remember it clearly, I mean, how often does such a unique spot like all the guys in the ring slowly pushing one lard ass out occur? Oh, right. But still. V then waddles on down to the ring, which takes about as much time as Taker's entrance, gets on the apron, and proceeds to get knocked back down on his ass to the outside after a punch from Taker. V then pulls Taker out where they trade punches until Taker hurls V careening into the steel steps. V then gets up and limps away. Because ever ybody loves Main Eventer vs Jobber feuds!

We then are reminded (via video package, of course) of Rey getting beat down by Chavo, Edge, and his Heads. CM Punk and Rey take on Chavo and Edge later tonight. Commercials.

I spotted MY SON SWALLOWS on a bumper sticker. That may be the most wildly inappropriate thing I've ever seen.

Batista will squash Mark Henry tonight and Ric Flair will be loungin' with MVP later on, but now it's our obligatory continuation in the historic Finlay-Khali Chronicles. Is that white tiger...thing in Khali's entrance the absolute least threatening thing they could come up with for this guy or what? We get a recap of Finlay saving Hornswoggle from Khali for the zillionth time on Raw this past Monday. Ooh, NOW this match has some fire in it!

The Great Khali w/ Ranjin Singh or something vs Finlay w/ Hornswoggle, unfortunately

Hornswoggle fucks with Singh (the manager, not Khali) and Finlay has to save his midget ass from the intimidating 5'1" stature of The Well Below Average Singh to start this classic match off, and we're carted off to commercials. Ever wonder how there's ALWAYS a commercial break in all of Khali's matches? Yeah...

NEW FAN LAW : Either live or watching on Pay-Per-View are the only times you can see a Khali match uncut.

Back to Finlay laying into Khali, but he's substantially taller so it doesn't hurt him and he just takes Finlay down with a clothesline. Khali with elbow strikes and Finlay gets thrown to the outside, where Khali follows. He misses a brain chop on Finlay and just smacks his hand into the ring post, which he sells more than anything during his entire career. Finlay gets up on the apron, but Khali, still on the floor, chops him. Back in the ring, Khali lands a slam and goes for the new-age sleeper hold in the NERVE HOLD. Hornswoggle for the distraction, which also eases the nerve pain in Finlay's neck I guess because he then manages to move again and hits Khali with a low blow. However, Singh grabs the shilaylay and throws it up the aisle, because the Irishmen never have shitloads of shilaylays on hand every night, nope. Hornswoggle shocks the world by pulling out the shilaylay cane thing and taunts Singh with it. Finlay throws Singh out of the ring and turns right into a chokebomb from Khali, who then gets his head put into the VICE for the win.

Winner : The Great Khali

In the back Edge is comforting Vickie about her wheelchair predicament. He says she'll be able to walk soon, and he'll always be there for her. Vickie says he's a hero which swells up tears in his eyes. Boo, we hate romance! ED-DIE! ED-DIE! ED-DIE! Oh shit, that was supposed to look like an Eddie chant, not a call for him to die. Oh well, that works too. I kind of want Eddie to die. All the storylines involving him for the past two+ years have been shit. Back to the romance stuff, Edge sends Teddy off for t hem to make out, but Chavo interrupts, thank God. He then seemingly mockingly says he's changed his mind about their romance and wants the three of them to be a big, happy family. Lovestruck and/or stupid, they believe him, and everyone's got their plastered on smiles radiating as we head off to more commercials.

Slamming gorillas is a great way to get banned from the zoo. I'd imagine. However, I do know for fact another great way is to try to climb in their cage with the intention to press slam them.

Raw Rebound tells us about things and stuff. I don't care if Orton is the champ and Jericho isn't even on the show ever. For the most part, I've liked watching Raw lately. I haven't been able to say that for a long time. Oh look, jobber, I mean, TAG TEAM, action!

Deuce & Domino w/ Cherry vs Jimmy Wang Yang & Shannon Moore

Yang pretending he's a boring wrestler like Deuce with a side headlock on Deuce. Tag to Moore who gets a one count off of a dropkick but just gets kicked in the stomach, freeing up Deuce to tag in Domino. Domino charges but Moore pulls down the top rope, sending Domino over and out. Moore however refuses to attack Domino with his bitch Cherry in the way, so Domino just mauls him. Deuce then drapes Moore over the top rope and Domino comes off the top with a forearm to Shannon's back. He got Shan-non, right i n the can-non! Right. Moore in the corner now but he dodges another charge by Domino and tags in Yang, who goes for the pin on Domino which is broken up by Deuce. Headscissors from Moore takes Deuce out of the picture and Yang hits the Yang Time moonsault on Domino for the win.

Winner : Yang & Moore

Vince is pissed off at Finlay backstage for allowing Khali to put his hands on Hornswoggle. However, more importantly than the well-being of his mutant bastard son, Vince thinks Finlay should apologize for those stinging words he said Monday. "Liar", I believe it was. Finlay of course doesn't, so Vince makes him a match with Khali again next week, only this one will be a Belfast Brawl. You know, a racially charged No DQ match. Shot of Batista walking down to the ring now, because any match with him is a big deal, despite them happeneing every single week and almost never being good. Commercials!

Anyone who doesn't like Jeff Hardy right now is just being over analytical or ridiculous. "No mic skills" shut the fuck up, it's fun as hell to watch if you just try.

Back and Jesus Christ I really don't want to recap this match. Seriously. Henry's been bitched out by Taker in less than five minutes every week this year. And Batista hasn't lost a match clean since, what, Wrestlemania? Maybe that's because he does all of his matches exactly the same. Cena may have the five unbeatable moves down, but Batista has the entire invincible match routine formula! I can't wait to not recap this one!

Batista vs Mark Henry

Batista spinebustas for the win.

Winner : Batista

Video package of Chavo-Punk from ECW. Not sure from which week. And really, there's no telling. MVP lounging with old folks next. But first, adverts and animization.

Dr. Steve Brule's Rules : "If you're at a picnic, and ants climb on your ice cream, just eat the ants, they're made of protein!"

MVP'S Lounge is the coolest show since Cafe de Renee. I know you'll all remember that quite clearly! Christ, I've been wasting time on Smackdown longer than I realized. Anyway, P introduces Flair, his Royal Rumble opponent, and Flair struts on down. Handshake and knucklebump(~!) Flair starts off by saying he was tearing apart VIP lounges before MVP was even born and doesn't think MVP can beat him. MVP disagrees, if you can believe that. I wish there was a timid wrestler. "I"m gonna beat your ass come Sunday!" "Yeah, you're probably right." MVP then reminds us that he's beaten Flair before, I think that match was for his US Title but my memory's not so great at remembering shit like that. Cafe de Renee on the other hand, I got that shit down. He made fun of Torrie Wilson for five minutes! That Renee Dupree. I really could've gotten behind a guy like that if he wouldn't keep trying to bend over. ANYWAY. Flair says he'll correct the blemish on his record, his loss to MVP, at the Rumble. Flair then says what he says to every young up and comer, they remind him of himself at their age. He also says he wants to fight right now, but MVP decides to make fun of Flair's nicknames for about thirty seconds before he gets chopped down and goes flopping over the couch. Commercials!

Innernette - Now with over 103 websites.
Looks like this week they filled up Smackdown's usual three minute segment full of announcer plugging and video packages for a diva match and, thus, another match I won't recap.

Michelle McCool vs Layla

McCool wins with a finishing move I don't know. She looked decent, Layla looked decent but wrestled like shit.

Winner : Michelle McCool, and me for more Seinfeld conversation commercials.

Wolf genitals.

In the back now, Jamie Noble comes up to Michelle McCool to see if she's allright. He looks to be working up the courage to say something deep to her, when just then some backstage tool comes up to her with a delivery of flowers. She brightens up immediately and thanks Jamie, but Chuck Palumbo walks up and reveals they were from him. He says he's sorry, though he doesn't specify what for because that could land him in jail. "Sorry I punched, uh, hey is that camera on? Shit. Well anyway, I'm sorry." Palumbo' s in total sleazebag mode and Michelle of course falls for it, as Noble looks on jealous and pissed. She however asks them both to get along, FOR HER. They of course agree, and of course *secretly* disagree.

Michael Cole and Jonathan Coachman talk at you about the Royal Rumble. Thank God that's over. Backstage shows Rey Mysterio walking to the ring. When they do it with Batista, yeah no one gives a shit about Batista, but at least it looks kinda cool because he's all pumped up and roided out. When they show Rey Mysterio doing it, it just looks like a little kid going to meet the school bully on the playground at the time the bully designated earlier in the day when he knocked the shit out of Rey in the hallway and took his lunch money. Everyone of course cheers his bravery, but at the same time knows he's about to get his ass beat. He passes Teddy and Vickie, who wish him plenty of luck, but he ignores them. What an asshole. Vickie sounded sincere, too! Commercials!
Think I'll try my hand at some bad stand up, or rather sit-down-and-type comedy that's sure to alienate everybody! Okay, here we go : The scariest thing for a black guy to see at their door is a white man, and vice versa. For the black guy, it might be a bill collector, and for the white guy, it might be a rapist! ...th-..that one needs some work. Need to work the white guy's daughter in there some where. Not bad though, getting better.

Back for main eventing action. Punk and Rey are of course teaming up because, well, that's how the match was booked and they kind of have to, but the storyline reason is because Edge laid out Punk with his big gold belt this week on ECW, costing him his match with Chavo Guerrero and thus giving Chavo a future shot at Punk's title. Instead of just a whole bunch of nontitle matches. Rey is the number one contender to Edge's World Title, and for that reason got his ass beat last week by Edge and his crew. So P unk and Rey are pretty much out for vengeance, and Edge is out to basically just fuck up Rey some more before the Rumble. And oh yeah, Chavo Guerrero has motives, too. He's um, the number one ECW Title contender, I guess that kind of means something. Oh yeah, also he's still mad because Eddie's dead and hates Rey for not being a Guerrero or something, I don't know. Anyway, this match does have a lot of storylines pouring into it, I love matches like that. On Raw the most you'll get is Wrestler A is feuding with Wrestler B, and C with D. A & C vs B & D later tonight! Anyway. Match!

ECW Champion CM Punk & Rey Mysterio vs Chavo Guerrero & World Heavyweight Champion Edge

Chavo start off showing us what we've been missing on ECW for the past, um, all fucking year. Punk eventually gets the Edge in their technical fest with...a boot to the face. Take that, faggy technical wrestling! Tag to Rey who gets uppercutted down and Chavo tags in Edge. Rey lands a headscissor on the champ (the heel one...whose not his partner. I guess this was pretty unnecessary) and then has Edge all set up for the 619, but Edge escapes the crazy entanglement in the ropes and goes out to the relative s afety of the apron, where Punk just kicks him off to the outside. Chavo charges at Punk, who pulls down the ropes to send him over. Double suicide dive through the ropes by Punk and Rey both hit their marks (not kids in Rey masks/Cobra Commander shirts (unfortunately)) and we strap in to see tonight's Main Event products.

I've never met a mirror I didn't like, because getting pissed off at inanimate objects is fucking insane.

Back and it's Edge and Punk facing off, with the Smackdown champion dominanting the ECW champ. Just like in real life! Or something. ECW is shit! There we go. Edge tags in Chavo, who continues the assault before retagging in Edge. Punk eventually fights out and chops Edge back, so Edge just throws Punk to the mat and slides his shoulder into the steel post. Chavo tagged back in and goes straight to his arm submission shit, working over Punk's shoulder, but Punk escapes and tags in Rey Mysterio. Standard Rey offense from here and Chavo is all up in the 619 position. 619 connects, but Edge hits Rey in the leg with a chair immediately afterwards for the DQ. Edge you fool! Now Rey has the PSYCHOLOGICAL advantage over you going into the Rumble with a win over you! And possibly a broken leg. But still! I hope Edge gets a win next Friday, otherwise he doesn't stand a chance.

Winner : Edge

Out now are the Edgeheads to a standing ovation from the crowd! No, wait, that's everyone packing up their shit to leave because nobody gives a damn about the Edgeheads. ZACH RYDER and CURT HAWKINS come down and just kick the shit out of Rey and Punk for a minute as Edge and Chavo hug. One big happy family! All we need now is Mama Guerrero and her slave and this would make for a beautiful family portrait. END SHOW.
Dave Scherer is fat : Honestly, I'm really warming up to Edge and Vickie's demented family. With Vickie as GM and Edge as champ, not to mention the Edgeheads and Chavo (Teddy the Slave is pretty useless from a logical standpoint, but from a comical standpoint is gold) they really do look unstoppable. Really, this is much better than my initial thoughts and...wishes, that Edge would just dump Vickie immediately after winning the title. Although, really, I get it's supposed to be gross and elicit such a response from the audience, but, come on... seeing Vickie tongue Edge is too much. From a nautious standpoint. I also like Noble-Palumbo. I'm not sure why.

Sean Carless is balding : The usual culprits. Mark Henry, Divas, Khali still sucks, and Big Daddy V's storyline. It's like since everyone knows Taker's just going to squash him anyway, they're not even wasting time pretending to build him up.

I wonder if anyone will ever remember me when they think about pathetic internet wrestling writers : Remember The Great Khali's title reign? That is such a tremendous, important sign of...something. I'm not sure yet of what, but it definitely means something. I think I see it so important because it really showed, beyond any doubt, creative has no fucking clue what the fuck they are doing. It's as if, the very second whatever the latest plan in their ever-changing plans has a flaw in it (injury, etc) they p anic and the whole house of cards comes tumbling down and we get fucking Khali as champion. Right now we have Edge as World champ, and I really hope they do build up someone to valiantly do battle with this "family", with motives deeper than just wanting the belt (maybe Teddy's freedom!) and not just throw the title on Batista after he gets screwed out of matches every week leading up to Wrestlemania. I'm not saying I want Rey to do it for Eddie or anything, but they have a very intricate series of storylin es right now and I sincerely hope it doesn't just get fucked the fuck up. Then again I didn't want Vickie on to begin with, so what do I know really. But, yeah. As my bitter, currently incarcerated grandfather would say, probably, that Khali shit was deplorable.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (01/25/08) 

To say that tonight is important is a vast understatement. For you see, not only is it just days before the Rumble, and not only is it the debut of Smackdown! in HD, but it is also the first time that CM Punk has been made to look somewhat remotely credible against guys whose names aren't Kenny Dykstra and fucking Miz. Granted, he loses tonight, and this does come on the heels of him being bitched out of his ECW Title by Chavo Guerrero - yes, Chavo I-am-only-allowed-clean-wins-over-the-likes-of-Fu naki, Guerrero - earlier this week, but still. Any time you're put in front of more than however many people constitute a 1.2 rating is a push in my opinion. I mean, otherwise, Punk might as well be on iMPACT!. At least there when you lose to Kurt Angle/Samoa Joe/Christian/Raven, it's not so bad because everyone else does, too. When you're stuck being pinned by Chavo after Funaki gave him a serious run for his money, however, well...

And, just so you know, I do not have an HDTV, so if you don't either and want to know what it looks like...get some fucking friends and watch it at their house, because even if I did describe it to you it wouldn't really matter. "Ooh is crisp, you should see it!" Right. Anyway! What better way to jerk the curtain here tonight than with the World Title's number one contender, Rey Mysterio! "The biggest little man" comes down to the ring, flaunting his bodybuilder arms on his fifth-grade stature. Bob the Body builder? Absolutely not. Uh oh, time for the Edgeheads! They're following Edge around lately to make it to the top, you see. Because apparently "the top" has nothing to do with the World Title, and everything to do with getting demolished by Batista on a weekly basis and causing disqualifications against other foolish guys who aren't on top because their focus is on such trivial things as, um, the world title...

Curt Hawkins & Zack Ryder vs Rey Mysterio

Rey's facing Edge for his World Heavyweight Championship in two days at the Rumble, and since heels are never content to simply use the handicap match rules to their advantage, I think we can expect a sloppy chairshot to end this one. Rey starting things off with Hawkins, while Ryder remains on the ropes, waiting for a tag. Can't get em too much heat, now! Jesus, as if Vickie would come out all pissed if they actually tried to have a real 2-on-1, no tagging handicap match. Anyway, Rey uses his big ole power moves to dominate Hawkins, but Curt sends Rey reeling with strikes. Since, you know, all that cool stuff Brian Major used to do was obviously holding him back. With those strikes, he's going straight to the top! ...of Johnny Ace's list of "expendable costs". Anyway, Rey gets a snapmare/legdrop combo that gets two on Hawkins, so he tags out and ZACK RYDER is in. That's the kind of name a six year old gives to the invisible man inside his favorite Hot Wheels car. The man with the kid name takes on the man wi th the kid's mask, and everything else, by forcing him to the corner and tagging Hawkins right back in. Well that was helpful. Probably. Hawkins back in, feeling the need to prove his worthlessness, gets laid out again, so he tags back and the Heads hit a double facebuster on Rey. Double knee to the back follows and gets two, but Rey lands an enziguri. Uh oh, ref didn't see the tag though, so Hawkins just tags in Ryder again. Rey dodges a splash attempt and takes him down with a headscissors. Standard Rey s hit from here, as crossbodies and seated sentons are abound. Ryder in 619 position, but Hawkins is in with the sloppy chair shot for the DQ. Rey however manages to kick it in his face and run off those ratscallions. Because two dudes can't take out one guy with a chair, no way. It's been not attempted enough times before to know that.

Winner : Rey Mysterio

Stupid poor people, they probably can't even tell how many laces are on Curt Hawkins' boot!
Back to Jesse's constant look of amazement who shows us pictures of Festus and tells us he holds Festus's hand when they walk down the street together. I'm pretty sure retard sex is technically rape, Jesse. Festus is seeing a doctor for his anger issues. You know, the only thing that makes their team even remotely successful. The next installment in the seemingly infinite Greasers/Moore Wang, um, feud, is next, because having the WWE Tag Team Champions actually on your show is just ridiculous.

Domino w/Deuce, Cherry, & car vs Jimmy Wang Yang w/Shannon Moore

If I'm really supposed to believe Shannon Moore is such a "reject to society" and he's all lonely and mopey, making broad generalizations and indictments against the human race on filthy subways, then why is he in a tag team? Let alone one that has him dancing in a cowboy hat. Oh well, I guess all those videos were just a phase. He's just a generic fag now. That's slightly better, I suppose. Anyway, Domino dominates early like only he can. That is, looking really shitty but still dominating and getting a pu sh despite no talent/reaction at all. Yang gets out of a headlock and comes back with an arm drag and Hurricarana are a lead in to a nice heel kick. Baseball slide misses and Domino goes back to his puddle of a well. He drapes him over the ropes and lands a flying forearm on him, and follows that weekly spot of his with his twice-a-minute spot with a headlock. Yang breaks it and comes back with his perfect dropkicks, the ones that aren't horrible and make me want to kill myself like Bob Holly's. Seriously, he looks awkward as shit in the ring doing anything, let alone his "world's best dropkick". Domino backed up in the corner sets up for Yang's running kick and he goes up top. Crossbody gets two, so Yang goes back up top, and Cherry is on the apron for the distraction. Deuce up on the apron now for the shove, but Moore makes the save with a hurricarana. Yang regains his composure and nails his Yang Time moonsault for the three.

Winner : Jimmy Wang Yang

Backstage, Chuck Palumbo and Jamie Noble are arguing about beating bitches until McCool comes in to break it up, since they promised to all be friends. That wacky Jamie Noble and his naivety, it's as if he doesn't even know McCool is just being his pity friend because she's too much of a self-righteous bitch to just cut him off alltogether. It's his own fault, I mean it's so blatantly obvious he doesn't have a prayer with her. After all, she's got a big muscular boyfriend who is constantly enraged and somet imes beats her, AND HE RIDES A MOTORCYCLE NO LESS. And Jamie Noble just has compassion and normal human emotions other than fury which, when expressed, resembles the actions of a gorilla. When will that Jamie Noble learn? Commercials.

If life imitates art, there should be melting clocks in the desert. And not ice sculpture clocks. Why would you even think of that? You're a fool.

Back to a Jeff Hardy promo, just in case you haven't heard about the guy. He'll be not winning the WWE Title this Sunday. The overhyped swanton from Raw is excused, the Whisper from the top of the cage a few weeks ago more than makes up for it. And holy shit, the tag champions actually are on the show! Allright. I guess. Wait, fuck. I just remembered who the tag champs are. Oh, well...

Chuck Palumbo, Jamie Noble, & Michelle McCool vs Layla w/o El & WWE Tag Team Champions John Morrison & The Miz

Palumbo, riding high on his current tweener status (that is, going between heel heat and just total apathy) takes Morrison down to the mat with a headlock because THIS MATCH WILL NOT BE ENTERTAINING. Not on his watch, anyway. Noble tagged in and he goes to work with his cruiser brawling. Morrison gets a break though and tags in Miz, while Chuck tagged himself in and yanks Noble off of Miz. What a fucking nut. He then shoves his partner into Michelle McCool, sending her careening off the apron. A whole medic al squad is out to help the fragile bitch and Palumbo, his blood pressure returning to normal and the red clearing away from his vision, realizes what he's done and goes out to help her. However, since he's also an alchoholic, he refuses to place the blame on himself and just fucks up Noble instead. Michelle is all "Stop! Don't hurt him, baby! He's my bitchy little friend! You know I'd hate to see you in jail again, baby doll!" So he busts that bitch's lip with his elbow. He then finishes the beatdown on No ble, gulps down another bottle, shatters it on the ground and goes out to ride his bike down to the nearest strip club and clear his mind of regret my clouding it with booze and anger tumors. I love this guy.

Winner : The strip club, for having such badass patrons as Chuck "What do you mean you don't take singles?! Bitch I'm bout to..." Palumbo. Commercials!

It's Friday! Know what that means. New videos on Adultswim.com to steal!

MVP's time now and he comes out to talk about how horrible it is lounging with old people. Seriously, all the fuck they want to do is watch Jeopardy and demand their pills back. You don't fucking need it, your old, I'm young and unemployed and can't afford cool drugs. Greedy assholes. After finishing this diatribe, he then shifts gears and tells everyone he's better than the best, Ric Flair, and calls him out on his cheap shot last week. But since Flair's a face, it was a "rightful shot to put that dastardl y heel in his place." MVP should know this by now. He says Flair should consider it an honor that he'll be retired by MVP this Sunday, and brings up on the screen fake photos of news articles talking about him ending Flair's career. What, you mean your newspaper doesn't cover pro wrestling? Where the fuck are you living, man? Some place that's not the backwoods of the South Georgia mountains? Oh. Well, please send me a fucking plane ticket, then. Next up are pictures of Flair golfing, like all old people wi th money love to do (those without just have to watch it on tv, and those without tvs are forced to stare at the wall). Next up is a picture of P winning the World title, Flair playing shuffleboard, MVP in the Hall of Fame, and Flair in a retirement home. This brings Rickety Ric out and says MVP is entertaining, but he's not ready to go home just yet. He's got to stop off and refill his medication first, because old people love wasting money on their bullshit instead of getting me decent Christmas gifts. Mo therfucking blankets, really? He then says he's gonna win at the Rumble. Wooh, bitch. Commercials.

Old people shouldn't be murdered. The should be euthanized and cremated, like dogs.

Khali time! (but you don't have to read this part)

Finlay w/ Hornswoggle vs The Great Khali w/ Rajin Singh, Belfast Brawl

Singh tosses Khali a chair, and as I anticipate the single worst chair shot ever, Finlay jumps him and lays in with some punches and forearms. Khali soon recovers though, since being really tall makes you invulnerable to normal human weaknesses. He lands some dopey looking stomps on Finlay in the corner, but Finlay escapes the shithole stomping and tries to attack with a lowblow and the steel chair, but like I said, he's over 7'3", so he's invincible. You can only hope to pin him by getting him stuck on his back like a turtle, not actually weakening him. Khali with his chokebomb on Finlay, and then does more damage with egg-denting chops. He then goes to attack Hornswoggle outside, but Finlay comes back and stops that shit with his shilaylay. He proceeds to wreck Khali's shit all over with the Irish beating stick until it busts Khali open. A couple chair shots later and Finlay and Hornswoggle just leave. Because you can knock a dude unconscious, but you can't pin him! That would ruin his rep!

Winner : I don't know if there was a technical winner, but, Finlay.


I wonder where, if ever, I can brag about writing wrestling jokes. College application? Damn straight.

Backstage now, Vince catches up to Finlay and Horny. He thanks Finlay for saving Hornswoggle's ass for the umpteenth time, then reminds Finlay to look out for Khali in the Rumble, since he'll be entering directly after him. Some father-bastard son alone time now, Vince tells Hornswoggle not to trust Finlay in the Rumble. Man, if Finlay has such severe blackmail on Vince, why keep fucking with him?

Batista is out now in his Chuck Palumbo tribute shirt. He then rips that to shreds and gives props to his dog Rey. Or something. He then talks about how he likes being champion and will win the Royal Rumble again this Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. His promos aren't bad when they're kept really short and he doesn't have to interact with anyone. Commercials.

I still don't know what a plancha is.

Back and we get footage of Michelle McCool being taken away via ambulance. Geez, since when did walking into a door constitute a trip to the hospital? Noble's punk ass limps over and meekly says he'll get Palumbo for this... more than likely, by pinning him in a wrestling match! That'll show him. "It gon' take more than a piece of paper to keep me away from you, girl! Wait, that's right, your boyfriend pinned me while I was distracted a whole bunch of times! Fuck this shit, I don't need to be on my back for three seconds as I flail my legs like an asshole. I'll be at the bar. By the way, I sold all the baby's shit for meth money."

And now it's time for the most uncensored flesh you'll see...anywhere, ever. There are orgies where you see less skin than you're about to in this next match.

Big Daddy V w/ Matt Striker vs The Undertaker

Looks like V won't be getting a Wrestlemania payoff this year, he'll be taking his loss right here on free tv. I'm enthralled. Taker getting things started off with his "incomparable strikes", but V ends that with his insufferable clothesline. It looks more like him trying to stretch his arm out despite it being weighed down by all the fat, and it just happens to hit Taker. V's clubbing action now, but Taker comes back with a big running DDT. Old school attempt but V stops that shit by hurling him out of th e ring. Striker with his weak ass cheap shot here. V follows him outside and Taker is there to bust his head into the steel steps. Bullshit slowass stalling now until both men are back in the ring, where Taker lands some corner splashes and a big boot. He then hits a two-foot chokeslam for two. Old school now but V slams him. Taker goes for his triange hold but V backs out of that. Big splash now on Taker but Taker locks in his triange hold for the tap out, which also made V bleed out of his mouth. Fat peop le must be swelling with blood like great big ole jelly donuts.

Winner : Undertaker

Holy shit, between Taker and HBK, it's almost as if they're actually acknowledging submission victories count for something and, you know, exist. After the match, Mark Henry comes out, saying Taker went too far this time! Jesus Christ, let this shit die. Commercials.

12 Oz Mouse is my favorite show this side of Seinfeld. Oh, uh, AND SMACKDOWN. Of course.

Back for a whole bunch of Rumble shit and CM Punk's entrance, as he's accompanied by Rey Mysterio. He'll be facing World Heavyweight Champion Edge next. Till then, another commercial.

You ugly motherfucker.


CM Punk w/ Rey Mysterio vs World Heavyweight Champion Edge w/ His Heads, nontitle

Rey is doing commentary here, ese. Because I guess he figures Punk can handle himself against Edge and the two dudes that always help him cheat always. CM Punk yells "Come on, Goldilocks!" to start things off and Edge responds with a boot to Punk's face. Edge goes up top, but Punk is there to slam him down. Edge one ups him by sending his ass out of the ring as we go to yet another, albeit the last, commercial break.

ASVAB Career Aptitude Test Thing Question : Describe the texture of plywood.

Back and Edge has apparently been in control, but not for long as Punk lands a stiff spinning kick to Edge as he was coming off the second rope of the turnbuckle. Edge hoists Punk up for the electric chair drop, but Punk rolls forward and gets a two count out of it. Punk springboard but Edge counters that with a slam, so Punk figures he'll try to abide by Taker's "Old School Rule" and hope to hit it on his second attempt at a springboard attack. He executes this move by completely fucking the fuck up and sl ipping on the rope. He lands flat on his face and Edge gets a two count from it. Punk back up and he goes for the GTS but Edge gets out with the O'Matic and goes for the spear, but gets a kick for his charge. Punk with his running knee in the corner and skips the Pepsi One in favor of a rollup for two. Edge going up top now, but Punk is up in time to get up there and meet him. He gets Edge up on his shoulders for seemingly a top rope Go To Sleep but Edge jumped back down to the mat. He charged Punk on the t op, but Punk jumps over Edge and down to the mat as well, but when he turned around Edge was there to connect with the spear for the three.

Winner : Edge
Afterwards, Rey is in the ring to help Punk not get his ass kicked by the Edges. Edge backed away with his posse of clones and showed off his big gold belt that Rey hopes to win so he can wear it as a complete set of golden chest armor this Sunday at the Royal Rumble. C...cause he's short! Allright... END SHOW.
Piper's Pit : The main event was good, these guys need to have a feud somewhere down the line. Good chemistry, and great promo potential. Huge nod to the Palumbo/Noble/McCool angle. That thing is fun as hell. Domestic abuse cracks me right the fuck up.

Cafe De Rene : There wasn't anything really stand-out bad. I suppose Domino/Yang, just because I couldn't really give a fuck. Where the hell was Chavo tonight? Edge helped him screw Punk out of the ECW World Title this past Tuesday, and we don't even get to hear from him? Yeah, I know it's just ECW, but still.

Remember The Highlight Reel? : Remember when a guy's gimmick was actually incorporated into his feuds? That never happens anymore. Everyone's gimmick has become "Wear something distinct and try to win ____ championship." Yeah all the guys want to win titles, but keep some busy in the meantime with other feuds that don't involve titles and/or some quick throw-together reason manufactured on a wwe.com article. I want to see Punk kick the shit out of Edge because he's an adulterer who promotes "Sex and Violenc e" or whatever his shirts say now. I want John Morrison to feud with Elijah Burke because it's both of their destiny to become champion. I do not want to see the Greasers vs Moore Wang week after week just because one team's a face and the other is a heel. A guy's gimmick should be incorporated more into his character, not just be there to dictate what he wears to the ring/what his entrance music is.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).