THEWRESTLINGFAN.com - LOWDOWN ON SMACKDOWN: Jan. 2007

SmackDown Rant Archive (January 2007)

Lowdown on Smackdown (01/05/07) By Anvil's Swagbag

You know, I’m starting to get a reputation on this website as TWF’s Angriest Man. Which pisses me off no end, because I sit here, I SIT HERE, on my ASS, typ… it’s… erm… stuff like that, isn’t it?

The truth is, Smackdown MAKES me angry. It pisses me off. Watching Smackdown is like watching that Paris Hilton tape. You go in with high expectations. You know that with all the practise she gets, she should be awesome. You put up with the half hour of her fucking twatty partner saying ‘Say hello to my leeeeetle fwieeeeend’, and then waving his cock about. Yeah, funny guy, I see what you did there. You psyche yourself up for the sex, and then… and then… it’s either dodgy angles where you can see a bellybutton jiggling, or its in the dark and therefore looks like you have got Predator-vision. For FUCKS sake. Erm, what was I saying? Oh yes, and that’s why I would never go to Rome.

Oh, it makes me so angry! And that is why I am introducing MY BRAND SPANKING NEW POINTS SYSTEM for today. Each match will get scored on the Angrinometer. (It’s a pun on angry. Screw you.) So, let’s say I’m usually working on about a four, average. A ten point match will have my blood boiling and a vein sticking out of my neck. A one will have not only calmed me down, but taken me out of the other end and made me mark out. So… my actual average when watching Smackdown SHOULD be about an eight.

As for the anger thing, I have a zone. Like Ken Shamrock. Only in my zone, I have a tendency of killing hookers. Also like Ken Shamrock.

Ken:- …and then, when I cum, I want you to shout, ‘OH, KEN, you can beat me, Tito Ortiz! You CAN beat me! You fucked my ass and made me humble, Ken!’
Hooker:- Look… I dunno if I’m comfortable with all that. I mean… it’s not great money, and…
Ken:- ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGH! (Breaks her neck with one twist)….oops.
(Door slams)
Ken’s wife:- Ken, I’m home… oh, for fucks sake Ken! Where are you gonna put THAT one?

Anyway, I wasn’t hired to pull punches. Unlike some.

Roddy Piper:- YA KNOW, it isn’t my JOB to pull punches.
Me:- LIAR!!!

Lets get on with it.

Teddy Long comes out to the ring. OMGZ Maybe he has another HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT! An ingrowing toenail, perhaps? A pimple just below his left nipple perhaps? Or maybe, just maybe, he might say something that SOMEONE, ANYONE, cares about… cross your fingers….

Nope, he basically goes over the big announcement from last week.

Q:- What’s even less interesting than a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT on Smackdown?
A:- The exact same announcement a week later.

So, there will be 16 competitors, and the matches will take place over the next two weeks. Cue Batista coming out, and sucking up to Teddy.

Batista:- Oh, this is such a GOOD idea! I LOVE it!

This whole segment made me laugh, because the whole way through, Batista had this black thing on the end of his nose. I just couldn’t stop giggling. Then somebody informed me that it was Teddy Long’s anus. Wasn’t so funny after that, because racism isn’t funny.

Kane Vs. Chavo Guerrero: Smackdown Sprint Match.

So here we have a match where Kane is FIGHTING FOR EDDIE GUERREROS HONOUR! Which is strange, because I never thought that Kane and Eddie were friends. Maybe this is some elaborate plot, Kane with the ‘hell fire’ stuff denying that he has seen Eddie in Hell, Randy Orton surprises everybody by switching brand… wait a minute. My sources are telling me this match has NOTHING to do with Eddie! Holy shit! I just saw Chavo, and put two and two together! This makes me so, so HAPPY!
This is your typical Kane vs plucky faster star match, which surprisingly went longer than three minutes. Good spot where Chavo has a neck vice on Kane with his legs, and Kane powers to his feet and drops him backwards with an electric chair drop. Kane and Chavo both work hard, and keep the crowd with them, but Kane inevitably gets the pin seven minutes and 53 seconds in, after he catches a Frog-Splashing Chavo in a goozle, and chokeslams him RIGHT TO HELL!

Good match, no Eddie link, I don’t feel particularly angry! Infact, I feel rather bloody calm!

Winner:- Kane, 7:53.

Angrinometer:- Merely a 4. I’m calm, collected, enjoying myself. I might start losing my temper if Cole and JBL continue to deny that the Against The Clock shit has been done before.

Next match, and OH MY LORD, it’s Kendrick and London! The Tag Team Champions facing off.

Kendrick Vs. London. : Smackdown Sprint Match.
My first thought when I saw this was, shit, I’ll never be able to call all of these moves! My second thought was, HA! Like I’d break the habits of a lifetime anyway.

This match was like the Michaels-Hart Iron Man match on fast forward, with some Flippy Dippy shit thrown in. In other words, pretty damn awesome. They went to seven minutes and fifty three, so neither get the shot. I’m gobsmacked! I thought the Dub might do something DIFFERENT and INTERESTING for a second there.

I’m lying. I didn’t.

Winner:- Draw

Then Ashley runs out. What compliments a good match perfectly? Tits. Vince isn’t ALWAYS wrong.

Angrinometer:- 3. I’m so happy right now that I could sing the entire score of the Sound of Music. Erm… if I was gay and actually KNEW any of the songs. Infact, I’m surprised to learn that there are indeed songs IN the Sound of Music. Ahem.

JBL’s in the ring, folks. And he’s bitching on Teddy Long, and calling out MVP. AND OUT COMES MVP… with the biggest load of crap on his back I have ever seen. And I have seen Snitsky. Seriously, MVP stands for Make-up Visibly Placed tonight. Mostly because I can’t think of anything funnier. Fuck you.

MVP has himself a little rant about what a bastard Teddy is. Apparently, Teddy took away his manhood. AH! That explains why you are walking like John Wayne with rickets. And diarrhoea. Heh. Diarrhoea.
He then reveals another reason why he may be walking like that. He couldn’t use the toilet on his own. Wait! Didn’t the guy just say seconds ago that JBL has been SUPPORTING him…? …gay.

MVP waddles back out of the ring after claiming that he’ll be the victor of the Sprint next week. Probably when all of his burns have MIRACULOUSLY DISAPPEARED! These wrestlers do try to rush the healing process. Even if it is blisters, scarring and tissue.

Okay, now here comes Sharmell to make my day that much worse. FUCKING hell, I see her face, and the anger starts to build. She says something which I don’t hear for the steam coming out of my ears, and out comes Booker with his pinky in the air. You see, the last time I stuck my pinky in the air, I was arrested for indecent exposure. But because Booker is a King… rules don’t apply. It’s positive discrimination.

Gregory Helms is Booker’s opponent. JBL has a little sex-wee. The match is on.

King Booker vs. Gregory Helms. : Smackdown Sprint Match.

Booker dominates for the most part, as was expected. But the story is, his arrogance won’t let him pin Helms as quickly as he could. Sharmell is a bitch. Ahem. Anyway, eventually, Sharmell grabs Helms’ foot, leading to Booker’s ‘You manoeuvre so that I can actually hit you BUT MAKE SURE TO STAY BENT OVER’ kick, and a win at 6:24.

Winner:- Booker, 6:24.

Angrinometer:- 7. Fuck, I hate Sharmell. I’d love to teach her a lesson. I’d bitch slap her ass so hard, and she’d be all like Kevin, oh Kevin, I have been such a bad girl and I’d be all like you want it bitch? You want it? And she’d be begging like give it to me its so much bigger than Booke…

I think I wanna have sex with Sharmell.

GREAT. Now I fucking hate myself too!

Angrinometer:- 8.

Oh no, Gregory is still in the ring and… what’s that music?? It’s not! It’s the Boogeyman!

Angrinometer:- 10

So he comes into the ring looking all goofy, hits the choke bomb, regurgitates worms all over Gregory Helms and fucks off.

Angrinometer:- 8. Phew.

Now we are told that Ashleigh will be in action next.

Angrinometer:- Breaks. What a fucking stupid idea that turned out to be. Now I got Mercury all over my face. And I didn’t even need a badly placed ladder. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I need something to take my thoughts away from an Ashleigh abortion.

REGULAR FEATURE WHICH I ONLY USE ONCE! FOOTAGE OF A YOUNG VINCE MCMAHON TRYING TO DO STAND UP!

(Disclaimer. No ass-fork jokes lie within. It’s been done. Plus it’s funny, and we frown upon humour in MY columns.)

(Vince walks on to the stage to moderate applause).

Vince:- Heeeey! Great crowd! Great crowd. Sorry I’m on a little late, the WIFE was driving!
(Silence)
The… WIFE… was driving!
(Silence)
…heh… okay… erm… eventually I told her that I would drive, so we switched sides. I handed her the map and said ‘where are we?’ She said, ‘In the car’.
(Silence)
In the… okay, that one wasn’t great… erm… Paul Heyman wrote that one… erm…
(Silence)
…I dressed a midget up as Ted Turner today and kicked him down some stairs…
(Silence)
…no? Not even midgets? Jeez, tough crowd. Erm… well… this one never fails! Who wants to see a man’s ass?
Man in audience:- You SUCK!
Vince:- I assure you, this is not boring. (Whispers to a stage hand) Set plan B.
(A lot of green goo falls on his head)
Vince:- TA-DAA!
(Silence)
Vince:- Oh, screw this! (Storms off. The promoter of the evening is waiting.)
Producer:- Oh dear.
Vince:- I know! It’s like a Test, Holly match out there.
Producer:- You know, I always wanted to say this. YOU’RE…
Vince:- WANNA come work for WWE Creative?
Producer:- Sure thing!

Ah, WWE Creative. Easiest job in the world. They hire anyone, and the only duty is to say YES. Oh yeah, Ashley won.

It’s got to that point again. Smackdown seems to clump all of it’s shit together, because now I have to watch Jimmy Wang Yang drag 300 pounds of dead weight, called Tatanka, through a match.

Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Tatanka. : Smackdown Sprint Match.

An Open Letter To The WWE.

To whom it may concern in the head offices, NOBODY CARES ABOUT TATANKA’S heel turn! Nobody cared about it when he was in the Million Dollar Corporation, nobody cares about it now. From now on, I shall refer to him as Treading In Bullshit. Hopefully you will get the point, and wish him the best of look in his future endeavours.

Anvil’s Swagbag.

PS. Please also fire Khali, Boogeyman and Vince McMahon.

They run to the time limit, Treading In Bullshit loses his temper and beats Yang up after the bell, which leaves me thinking that if he had done that in the FIRST place, he would have a fucking title shot now. I’m glad my Angrinometer is out of action, because that would have broken it.

Winner:- Draw.

And another piece of evidence to prove that Smackdown puts its shit in a pile rather than smearing it over the whole show? A Vickie Guerrero promo.

Vickie basically whinges about everybody turning on her.

Vickie:- I’m the widow here!
Me:- THANKYOU!

I have only been saying that for months. Stupid bloody heel turn. Although I can kind of understand why everybody may have turned their backs on her. I mean, I’m all for wildlife, but the woman looks like a moose. And if she said, ‘why are you staring’, you couldn’t say, ‘because you look like a moose.’ And then she’d think you fancied her, and the next thing you know, you are fucking Eddie Guerreros widow. And she STILL looks like a moose.

Man, I say some weird shit. On with the show.

Back to the good stuff! It’s Kennedy against Benoit. Good main event.

Kennedy Vs Benoit: Smackdown Sprint Match.

Now this is a good match. They do some good stuff. Benoit’s seven suplexes look smooth rather than disjointed. Benoit reverses the Senton by getting his knees up. Which looks a whole lot of painful. There are a lot of people chanting for Kennedy here. And then Kennedy removes the turnbuckle pad, Chris Benoit takes the Bret Bump… and it’s over? Wha’!? I feel that the match was good, but the ending was… well… a bit anticlimactic. And didn’t really do Benoit any justice. But at five minutes, six seconds, it puts Kennedy in the lead. Awesome.

Winner:- Kennedy, 05:06

Kennedy gets his celebration cut short by Teddy Long, who says that next week, MVP, Hardy, Finlay and Taker will be in action. Kennedy says, ‘Kennedy’, and it’s all over but the crying.

Stored in the Swagbag:- The first half. Loved the London/Kendrick match especially, but it was all pretty damn good.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- Ashley? No. Boogeyman? No? Tatanka? No. We know they all suck. I have to give it to Benoit taking the Bret Bump, exposed turnbuckle or not, and losing clean. At least hit a finisher! It annoys me so much because it was a good match.

Well, that’s it from me. Check out Bullfrog, Cameron and Gersh. And then come RUNNING back to me telling me how brilliant I am. Nah, not really. Those guys are awesome. Also, check out Harry’s and Sean’s old stuff that’s basically been rehashed. The annoying thing is, I have to write new stuff every week. They put old stuff up, and you STILL laugh out loud. I hate talented people.

WOW! I pimped. Now I’m off to spit in a hooker’s mouth, and spread disease and my motto, ‘Blood never hurt nobody.’ Catch you later. TWF’s Angriest Man, signing off.

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The Anvil's Swagbag has eight girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (01/12/07)

Short, sharp and to the point intro this week! Welcome to the glossiest column on The Wrestling Fan.com! Bar none!

(Disclaimer:- Said gloss might just be my glossing over matches that bore me, or using sketches and ‘bits’ to gloss over my lack of actual match coverage. But gloss is gloss, and it all makes for a shiny review. Fuck you.)

I’m going into this one pretty happy and optimistic, and not at all angry this week. Partly because, as I write this, it is two o clock in the morning and I am really quite tipsy. Borderline wasted. But…Mostly because I got laid last night. And yes, that is what the weird little smile on your mothers face is all about.

Hmm, not sure that worked…

…wait…

… Oh, something to do with me plowing your mum, anyway.

We start off with a recap of last weeks Sprint action, which for all intents and purposes was good stuff, and then we are starting off the night with Finlay and Matt Hardy squaring off in a sprint match. Which is cool because I am a mark for both guys; they always work hard, and always put over their opponent. Plus one has a little bastard, and the other is… Irish. Oh, I’m sorry, but Jeff Hardy still pisses me off. With his, ‘oooh, look at my hair! I’m so RANDOM AND OUTRAGEOUS!’ ‘Ooooh! I gave my brother a dead fish for Christmas, I’m so RANDOM AND OUTRAGEOUS!’. Here’s a random and totally outrageous idea! It’s just so random, it’s SO YOU. Go throw yourself off of the peak of Mount Vesuvius. No, no, but seriously…you are right, you ARE just a whisper in the wind. But the word they are whispering is ‘cunt’.

Matt Hardy vs Finlay:- Smackdown Sprint match.

I just realised something…

If each match has to beat Kennedy’s time of five minutes, or will be stopped…

…and the best of the roster are performing this week in the sprint…

… what the hell are they going to fill the rest of the time up with?

Here’s hoping Benoit, Kennedy, Booker. Here’s hoping NOT Ashley, Boogeyman, The Miz. Any appearance from either of those three tonight will be followed by swift and serious action.

Where was I? Oh yes, there is a match going on, isn’t there. And it’s a bloody good one too! A lot more two and fro that I would have imagined, with Hardy getting a lot of offense in, including two sweet-looking Side Effects. Hardy seems to be gaining some sort of advantage, leading to the REAL Little Bastard distracting him. Little Bastard, the consummate professional. The guy takes time out of his busy schedule of banging hookers in the back of a car, and suing WWE.com (sigh) to distract Matt Hardy! What a guy.

Finlay, with forty seconds to go, locks in some variation of an Indian Deathlock, and it looks like we’ll be seeing Finlay and Batista again. But no, hold your horses, Matt is hanging on! He refuses to quit! Matt Hardy! He is taking time out of his busy schedule of asking hookers to pretend their name is Lita before shooting them with a BB Gun and running OVER them in the car I mentioned earlier, and refreshing the WWE.Com homepage over and over again to see if he gets a mention, before writing a poem in his blog about loneliness and insecurity! What a guy!

The time limit runs out, but did Matt Hardy just come out of the other end there looking strong!? My lord, Finlay will put over anybody! I mean, he is taking time out of his busy schedule of drinking fourteen pints of Guinness whilst driving his car, and… erm… not having enough potatoes. I mean, you’d have thought that if there was a famine on, they would cut their losses and eat something other than potatoes.

Irish 1:- Thays nay potatoes mahn, what ah we gonna doooooo!
Irish 2:- I dunnae knooooooooooow , I dunnnnae knooooow!
(Long silence)
Irish 1:- ………Do you want a kebab?
Irish 2:- Aye, go on then.

See? Bloody stubborn Irish.

Winner:- No contest.

Anyway, Joey Mercury hits the ring wearing protective face gear and places Matt’s face in a chair, preparing to jump off the top rope and mash it all up, when officials hit the ring and put a stop to Mercury’s fun. Good match, and building to a nice feud for Mercury and Matt.

After the break, Mercury cuts a nice but scripted promo declaring that Matt Hardy destroyed his face, and he will not stop until he has returned the favour. This can’t fail! Matt Hardy in a worked storyline based on an actual incide… wait a minute…

Okay. Now we have Tatanka against Wang Yang again. Oh joy! But, in the interest of fairness I will try not to gloss over this.

Tatanka vs. Jimmy Wang Yang.

So, Tatanka doesn’t wait for the bell, that dastardly heelish Indian, and begins to work on Wang Yang, dropping an elbow right in the back. And I’m bored now. It all looks so… so… STALE. Look, I’m sorry.

Regular Feature Which I Will Only Use Once Time:- Kevin’s Bad Email Of The Day.

I received THIS poem in an email earlier.

‘Hello There Nice Person

Did Anyone Ever Tell You,
Just How Special You Are
The Light that You Emit
Might even Light a Star

Did Anyone Ever Tell You
How Important You Make Others Feel
Somebody out here is Smiling
About Love that is so Real

Did Anyone Ever Tell You that
Many Times When They were Sad
You r E-mail made Them Smile a bit
In Fact It made Them Glad’

And so on, and so on, concluding with, ‘This is a hand of friendship, you MUST pass it on.’ For the record, I have never heard of this person before.

I responded with this little poem.

‘Did anyone ever tell you,
How annoying you are,
I’ve known you for five minutes,
And I hate you so far.
Did anyone ever tell you,
To lay off a bit,
You pretentious, obnoxious,
Emo little shit,
Now excuse my bad language,
But I like To be blunt,
Now I’M going to tell you,
To fuck off you cunt.

Ahhhh, poetry. AND I avoided reviewing Tatanka beating Jimmy Wang Yang (for God knows what reason. He doesn’t need a push, unless it is infront of a large vehicle).

Winner:- Tatanka.

I just read what I have written so far back to myself. I spent half of that time correcting grammatical errors. I am pretty damn drunk…

Some stuff in the back with Regal, Taylor, London and Kendrick, the point being that Regal and Taylor are the ‘better’ pure wrestlers, and will prove it later. Should be good.

Kennedy vs Benoit.

Earlier I asked that, when the Smackdown Sprint matches were not being fought, that we saw Kennedy, Benoit and Booker. Two out of three certainly is not bad.

Long match which sees so many nearfalls towards the end that even I was unsure of who the hell was going to win it and how. Although Chavo’s presence at ringside was a clue. Okay, I admit it, from the second Chavo strolled down I knew that Benoit was staring at the lights tonight. But I WOULDN’T have been sure if it wasn’t for the Dub being more predictable than the alphabet.

Creative 1:- I think we should shake it up a bit. After X is thrown over the top rope, we should have Y and Z both fall to the floor at the SAME TIME, begging the question, WHO IS THE DOMINANT LETTER!?

After a while, you kinda know what they are thinking.

People have never questioned Kennedy’s charisma, but his in-ring skills have been questioned. It is against guys like Chris Benoit that we see his full potential. The guy is a really talented in-ring performer whom, at the moment, needs to be in the ring with somebody at least competent to look really good. It was more Chris Benoit who bugged me in this match, to be honest! I really do think that he is starting to overuse those German Suplexes. Hitler didn’t have that many fucking Nazi’s.

Finish sees Chavo try to get involved, and Benoit subsequently trying to place Chavo in that Canadian standard, the Sharpshooter, only to be rolled up and pinned. I’ll go out on a limb here and say that I think Kennedy will be challenging for the belt. They are putting him over pretty damn strongly at the moment.
Winner:- Kennedy.

Right, onwards. Our next match is for the Tag Team Titles.

Regal and Taylor vs. London and Kendrick w. Ashley.

ARRRGH!.... we’ll let them off because she isn’t wrestling. Infact, she’s just… looking kinda hot. Wow. Sharmell last week, Ashley this week. God knows, next week I might find myself attracted to Stephanie.

……nah.

Storyline is as I said before, Regal and Taylor are the wrestlers, grinding the champs with hard hitting moves. The champs are the showmen. It is like spotfest wrestling meets technical wrestling, and it is working.

One question, what the hell happened to Taylor’s injury? Is the guy fucking bionic!? GIMMICK change necessary. He should do a ‘Six Million Dollar Man’ gimmick. A robot version of Ted Dibiase. He could get children to come into the ring and oil his hinges, but just before he stops squeaking, he could kick the oil can into their face, permanently blinding them. Then he could laugh maniacally. Oh yeah, he’d get over as a heel.

Match continues, with London inevitably getting cut off and beaten up, building to the hot tag. Kendrick lays the smack down for a while, and then pins Regal with a backslide.

A backslide.

These leverage move finishes are really starting to suck. John Cena winning a main event with a schoolboy roll-up? It’s anti-climactic. Not that the STFU isn’t, of course, but a schoolboy?? That’s the equivalent of an Olympian winning the Athletics contest with a starjump.

Winners:- London and Kendrick.

Beat the clock time again people, as MVP is taking on… Vito.
No way. No chance in hell.

RANDOM FEATURE WHICH I WILL ONLY EVER USE ONCE TIME:-

A TIN OF GLOSS.

Like watching paint dry. Only with a bit more sparkle.

Anyway, I was wrong last week. MVP is still sporting the burns.
Like it matters; this match sucked a dick.
Winner:- No contest.

So, next week, we shall see Chavo and Benoit for the US title. And there will be no disqualifications. It will be a good match as long as Benoit can let his German fever go for JUST ONE MINUTE DEAR GOD. EIN VOLK! EIN REICH!

Batista interviewed backstage, I didn’t pay much attention at first, assuming the jist would be, ‘I never lost the title in the first place, waaaah, waaaaah’. But when I realised Kristal was conducting the interview, for some reason I zoned back in. Batista bigs up Kennedy, and then says that facing the Undertaker would, ‘be a first.’ Oh NO YOU DI’NT! That’s fightin’ tawk!!

Dear GOD.

Main event time, and in the Sprint Final, we have…

The Undertaker Vs. The Miz:- Smackdown Sprint match.

OH DEAR FUCKING GOD! Now, I said that if The Miz performed tonight, I would do something irrational out of pure anger, and I will! Next week, stay tuned for my irrational anger moment! I… erm… know exactly what it will be. But I’m not telling. It’s a… erm… surprise.

Back to the action. Taker beats the crap out of Miz pretty much the whole fucking match, as was to be expected. Then Kennedy runs in and spends the next three minutes pulling The Miz out of the ring, distracting Taker, and generally trying to make sure that his score isn’t beaten. A good finish sees Taker FINALLY hitting the Tombstone, but the time runs out just before the referee can get the three count. Better than it should have been, merely because Kennedy added some excitement to the proceedings.

Winner:- No Contest.

And that’s that folks. Kennedy gets the duke, and we’ll see Kennedy vs. Batista at the Royal Rumble.

Stored in the Swagbag:- The Matt Hardy/Joey Mercury feud is looking like a strong mid card feud. With a stipulation match or two, and a slow burn, this feud could re-establish Mercury. Also, Kennedy getting the duke and the push is always a good thing.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- I DON’T CARE about Tatanka. I DON’T CARE. YOU CAN’T FUCKING MAKE ME CARE. Even worse though was the Vito/MVP match. It was the equivalent of five minutes of dead air on the radio.

Well, I learned something tonight. Never to attempt this drunk. My lord, it took me twice as long, for one. I will be back next week, unless Sean fires me for unprofessional conduct.
Peace out.
*HIC*

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Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (01/19/07)

Let us pray.

Let us pray for the many whom we have lost this week. Take a moment to reflect on what they meant to us. Black Thursday saw many careers snatched away before the performer got half a chance to prove his, or her worth. It is a sad state of affairs for those who will have to return to the indies at thirty bucks a match, legends only to Smart fans and themselves.

Let us pray for the souls of the many who have been wished luck in their future endeavors.

Now lets take a moment to mourn for me.

Yes, ME.

Because the fact of the matter is, not one, not ONE of the axed superstars makes a shit worth of difference to Smackdown, or subsequently to ME. Gymini were actually ON the Smackdown Roster?? Prove it. Struggling? Case rests.

The FACTS are these. Smackdown is a good show, but whilst Boogeyman and The Miz STILL HAVE CONTRACTS, I am going to be the most miserable, ANGRIEST recapper on ‘The Wrestling Fan.’

So stop praying for CW Anderson. Take your mind off of Rodney Mack, and stop pondering the future for Gangrel. Think of me. Those guys were getting paid to sit on their arse. I have to DO THE WORK HERE, I have to sift through the crap, and I aint getting paid shit!

Wrestlers. They have it easy.

Think of me… please…

ON WITH THE SHOW.

We are starting off the show with Mr Kennedy, which makes me happy. You should always get a pre-blowjob before sex. Just as a warm up. Kennedy is our pre-sex blowjob tonight.

He tells us how brilliant he is for beating the clock, when suddenly…

COCK BLOCK.

Teddy Long is out here. Now, Teddy Long is the equivalent of getting a blowjob from Shergar. Before having sex with Shergar. And we are receiving. Yeah, it’s not much fun.

Teddy Long does his usual, ‘playah, you ARE the bomb, and that is why tonight you will be having a match WHILST STRAPPED IN DYNAMITE! Beat that clock, niggah’ stuff.

What he actually says is that Kennedy will be facing the Undertaker tonight, and if the Undertaker wins, it will be a Triple Threat match at the Royal Rumble. But it’s all relative. Is it me, or is Teddy Long the most BIASED man in wrestling since Gorilla Monsoon?

Bobby Heenan:- A LOW BLOW! A low blow by Tito Santana!
Teddy Long:- All’s fair in love and war playa’.
Bobby:- OHHH! Ravishing Rick Rude low blows Tito now!
Teddy:- That rat-bag, double crossing…
Bobby:- But Teddy, you just said…
Teddy:- I’ll have you taken out of here in a minute, belee dat!
Bobby:-… right.
Teddy:- I’m gon’ put dat Rick Rude in a ‘Castration’ match. Firs’ niggah to get pinned loses their jewels.
Bobby:- And who’s the opponent?
Teddy:- I’m thinking… Mickie James. And Victoria. And two pistols.
Bobby:- You really are a bastard.

Mental. Anyway, Kennedy doesn’t like this. (If you expected him to sing ‘Zippadedoodah’, you are probably called Teddy Long) And we move onwards.

Match One:- Matt Hardy vs. Joey Mercury.

Pretty good match, the jist being that whenever Hardy would try any offense to Mercury’s face, he would cry like a little bitch. This story is kinda like Kane in reverse, only without the FUCKING A CORPSE part. This feud is really pretty interesting; Mercury and Hardy are both strong workers, and the psychology makes it interesting to watch. The conclusion sees Mercury attempt a Double Underhook, but Matt snatches a quick victory.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?

Let’s look at some evidence here.

- Matt Hardy is being protected, and hasn’t properly and decisively lost in two months.
- Matt Hardy has been placed into a storyline in which he is not just ‘Jobber To Stars’.
- JBL keeps stating that Matt Hardy is a main eventer waiting to happen. JBL HATES Matt Hardy.
- MATT HARDY HAS WRESTLED SOMEBODY NOT CALLED GREGORY HELMS.

I don’t know what the fuck has happened. Has Smackdown stepped into a vortex? No. I’ll show you exactly where this has all come from, right now.

MATT1TUDE:-

Title:- My Feelings
Mood:- Depressed

Body:-

I wandered lonely as a cloud,
Across the ring to face my foe,
I knew his face, I knew it well,
I’ve faced it for twelve years or so.
Gregory Helms, the same old match,
With me staring up at the lights,
So I slit my wrists, cry tears of blood,
And Listen to some Hawthorne Heights.

Will somebody, anybody out there, please help me! JBL wants me dead. Vince wont push me for shit. I NEED HELP!

Here is a reply left to this blog, by some dude called ‘G0dfatherzXcore’.

‘I shall grant your wish, on this, the day of my daughters wedding.

PS, you were indeed correct. Lita fits right in on my Train. It ain’t easy man.’

Now I hear that Matt’s push came about quickly and thoroughly when JBL woke up to find Vickie Guerrero’s head on his pillow.

AHH, long convoluted jokes with mediocre punchlines. How I adore you.

Winner:- Matt Hardy.

So out come Melina and Nitro , and they beat the crap out of Matt, even giving him a Snapshot on the concrete. The question is, where was Jeff?? …I think we all know the answer to this.

Jeff:- Heeeheeeeeeeeeeheeeeee, I just saw a FLY. And… and it was flying! HEeeeeeee, that’s why they call it a fly, I suppose.
RVD:- Maaaaaaaan, that’s deep. That’s reaaaal deep.
Jeff:- Heeeeee, I know man, I know… lets hug.

Something like that.

Backstage, and it’s the Miz.

Miz Fact Of The Week!!

Miz once went on a blind date with Stevie Wonder. He had a severe throat infection at the time and couldn’t talk. Stevie Wonder STILL didn’t call him back.

Okay, the Miz is bragging about drawing with the Undertaker last week, when Kane approaches from behind, making all the ladies scream, cry and pray for Miz’s safety because all of the ladies love Miz. But apparently the ladies did their screaming, crying and praying behind closed doors because it looked to me like, on the night, nobody gave a flying fuck.

Vickie Guerrero now, with an interview with Kristal. Kristal says, ‘so, whats new’, and Vickie says ‘mmmmmmfffmmmfmfmfmfmmmmmfffffmf.’ Kristal says, ‘what? Open your mouth wider… the words are getting stuck on the molars…’ Vickie says, ‘MMMF!’. Kristal says ‘look, its not my fault! It’s just naturally short. It doesn’t grow longer!’ Vickie says ‘mmmmfmmmmmmmmmmmffffff!’ Kristal says ‘He is so NOT my bitch!’ Vickie says ‘mmmmmffmffffffffffffffffff’, and walks off

Or something less interesting about a private matter. Your call.

Match 2:- MVP/Regal/Taylor vs. Vito/London/Kendrick

Vince:- Hmmmm, this Regal/Taylor and Kendrick/London feud is catching on!
Yesman:- Indeed!
Vince:- I don’t like it. What can we do to dilute that heat?
Yesman:- Throw in a burn victim and a transvestite?
Vince:- I LIKE IT.

FUCKFUCKFUCK.

The match basically consisted of Regal and Taylor beating the crap out of Vito. All pretty worthless, pointless and lessless really. Kendrick eventually gets the hot tag, and the smallest guy in the ring clears house. He then tries to hit the Sliced Bread on MVP, who reverses it into an Emerald thingy move from Smackdown Vs Raw, and gets the pinfall. That’s right, pin the champs, protect the transvestite who jobbed consistently throughout. Smackdown logic, I call it. It is a scientific theory based on doing the stupid, the inane and The Miz. Vince likes it.

Winner:- MVP and cronies.

And now we have what will hopefully be the conclusion to the Chavo-Benoit feud. But I hoped I would get the Brian Pillman boxed set for Christmas, and I got two Great American Bash’s. So fuck hoping, I DEMAND that this be it.

Match 3:- Benoit Vs Chavo:- No DQ

Good match, another strong outing for these two, so it’s a shame I don’t really care. The match sees Benoit repeatedly try to hit the crossface, but Chavo avoid it at all costs, using exposed turnbuckles and chairs as LEGAL shortcuts to victory, and also working on Benoits shoulder, because he uses the frogsplash as a finisher, and all of the impact of a frogsplash is CLEARLY centred on the shoulder. Does he still use the frogsplash? I haven’t seen him WIN in forever.
More suplexes, this time on to a steel chair. STILL TOO MANY FUCKING GERMAN SUPLEXES. Ric Flair has chops, Taz has suplexes, Roberts has the DDT. Chris Benoit will NOT claim the Back To Belly no matter how fucking hard he tries.I love Benoit as much as the next guy, but GIVE IT A REST.
A quite sudden, abrupt finish sees Benoit put the Sharpshooter on. Chavo reaches for and grabs the chair, but the pain is too much, and he taps. Hmm. Not really a feud if one person never fucking wins, is it.

FEUD OF THE YEAR! WHO WILL WIN, AN ANT, OR MY BOOT!?

Screw it.
Winner:- Benoit.

It’s Batista time, being interviewed by Kristal. Kristal says, ‘so, you will be facing Kennedy at the Rumble’. Batista says ‘mumblemumblemumble’, Kristal says, ‘LOOK, I know nobody likes him, but I do! Just because he has heat backstage doesn’t make him any less of a person’, Batista says ‘mumblewhingemumble’, Kristal says, ‘THERE IS NO WAY ZIDIAN WAS HOTTER THAN ME!’, Batista says, ‘mumble’, Kristal says, ‘I have EXTENSIONS! What more do you want!?’ and storms off.

Or something about the main event tonight. Either way.

Right, I took a break from doing the report here, to spend a little time with my girlfriend. I came back to find some brilliant news, and some really sad news.

Whilst I was gone, Tatanka was publicly acknowledged as the next on the ‘cut’ list. I think I speak for all of us when I say HALLEFUCKINGJULAH. Maybe Vinnie Mack heard my cries of ‘I DON’T CARE ABOUT TATANKA’ and finally let the old bastard go. HE should go down the same path as Tiger Ali Singh did, and say it is because he is an Indian… that is right, isn’t it?

The sad news is that Bam Bam Bigelow has passed away. This really is a shame, ‘the best big guy in the business’ will be sorely missed. I will always remember the Tazz feuds, and I will try to forget the Doink feud, the Lawrence Taylor stuff, the stuff with The Wall, the Tatanka feud… screw it. You kicked ass Bam.

Let us continue now along our path to rightness. I’m sure as hell not righteous, but I’m always fucking right.

Jillian advises Kennedy that he should go and reason with Teddy Long, proving that Jillian has never met Teddy Long. I will now predict the manuscript for this confrontation…

Kennedy:- PLEASE don’t put me in a match with Taker.
Teddy:- Well, playa, you’ll be PLEASED to know that it is going to be a PLEASE match.
Kennedy:- Yeah? And what is the stipulation?
Teddy:- That Taker will have a chainsaw at his exposal.
Kennedy:- …That doesn’t even make any fucking sense!
Teddy:-…yeah, I’m kinda running out of puns… anyway, BELEE DAT! Holla Holla Holla.

Match Four:- The Untouchables (Deuce and Domino w. Cherry) Vs. Two nameless guys who I’m putting my money on!!

Okay, as much as I couldn’t give two slices of fuck on toast, it is my job as recapper to tell you about the new talent. So here is the gimmick.

- 50’s Teddyboy/Greaser style guys, bringing Fonzie chants with it.
- Come out in a little red car. This is like The Honky Tonk Man, only I can pick on these guys without somebody here saying, ‘Hey, HTM is the MAN. Fire his ass.’ I will, of course, take advantage of this.
- Shoop showaddywaddy tippedy yip de boom.
- Cherry is on rollerskates. Yes. Rollerskates. I hate women with wheels, it makes the chase all the harder, and I am too exhausted to do the job properly when I DO catc…ahem. Never mind.
- Cherry is Domino’s sister and Duke’s girlfriend, I think.
- Arama Lama ding dong.
- THESE GUYS REALLY SUCK.
- A wop bopa doo wop. A WOP BAM BOO!

Complete squash match, and neither guy looking very convincing to be honest. It’s a shame… the gimmick is interesting. Unfortunately, the wrestlers are most definitely not.
Ting Tang, Wolla Wolla Bing Bang.

Oh, and I was wrong. The nameless guys lost. DAMN YOU, COMMON SENSE! WHY DO YOU DECIEVE ME SO?

Aha! Kennedy found Teddy Long and asked him to change his mind about the match with the Undertaker and Teddy Long says… no.

…oh.

Well. That was one hell of a big fucking waste of time.

Match Five:- Kane vs. The Miz.

I am now sure that Miz is short for Mizery. Everytime the Miz wrestles, I have to ring the Samaritans. At least they know that they are doing their job well if I ring back once a week.

Exactly what we saw last week with Taker. Miz looks like he is acting like he shit his pants. He doesn’t look like he HAS shit his pants. Just like he is really bad at acting as if he has voided his bowels, and OH MY GOD I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF WATCHING THE MIZ FLOUNDER AROUND I AM GOING TO INJECT MYSELF WITH BLIND.

Kane chokeslams him and it’s all over. I hate you, Miz. I hate you more than Tatanka.

Winner:- Kane.

An Open Letter to The Miz.

Dear Miz.

FUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUU.

Much love,

Anvil.

PS. FUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUU.

Booker hunts down Teddy in the back to ask about the lack of rematch. No love for a brother. Teddy throws him into a six man battle royal next week, in which The Miz will apparently take part.

Open Letter two.

Dear Miz,

I wrote you but I aint done calling,
You cannot sell; I’d wager that in a ‘daisy chain’ you’re bottom,
I wrote TWO WORDS back in Autumn, you must not have got them.
There probably was the problem that you were smoking cock, or somethin’…

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCK.
YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

That is all.

Anvil.

PS. It doesn’t have to be witty, gaybo.

Main Event:- Taker Vs. Kennedy.

Now, I’m a big fan of the Undertaker, but his selling in this match was all over the fucking place. Kennedy works on his leg… he does a big boot. Kennedy works on his leg… he hits a leg drop. Doesn’t even flinch. Then he tries to hit The Last Ride and… his leg gives way. Right. Anyway, the match is basically a build for two feuds, the Rumble match with Kennedy, and the Mania match, Taker vs Batista. Batista is commentating here, and has a couple of staredowns with Taker.
Taker controls the match for the most part, but Kennedy works the leg. The conclusion of the match comes when, eventually, Kennedy goads Batista into attacking him, thereby getting Taker disqualified, and seeing that he doesn’t get a title shot at the Rumble.

Winner:- Kennedy.

Kennedy looks like the cat that has the cream, and Batista and Taker have a moment. The feud building continues. Taker’s not happy, but NOT TO WORRY, he’s going to win the Rumble anyway.

Disclaimer:- If you do not want to see who will win the Rumble, then don’… oh fuck.

Stored In The Swagbag:- Benoit and Chavo put on the best showing tonight, but FUCK THAT, TATANKA IS OUTTA HERE. I’m so happy I might sex-wee.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- I’m gonna have to go with The Miz. I’d write him another letter, but I don’t want to.

So that’s it. I promised something last week, but I was hammered, and can’t remember what the hell it was. Screw you, you’re a wrestling fan, consistency is, like, so not important to you. Plus, it should be the least of your worries. Go get a girlfriend, butt clench. It’s all fake anyway.

Till next time, The Anvil’s Swagbag, TWF’s most angry man, signing off.

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Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (01/26/07)

Okay, here’s the deal. Tonight, I have been asked to go out and get hammered, off my face pissed by THREE DIFFERENT groups of friends. Not only was telling them, ‘I can’t, I have to write about wrestling’, embarrassing, the WORST THING, THE ICING ON THE CAKE is…

…I now have to write about wrestling.

So I’m angry. Oh yeah, tonight I’m just pissed off.

I don’t want ANY emails saying, ‘dude, don’t you think you are taking this ‘gimmick’ thing a LITTLE too far?’. THIS IS NOT A GIMMICK. Taking a gimmick too far was when The Christmas Creature said, ‘you know what would REALLY make my character look better? Tinsel.’ Taking a gimmick too far was when The Shockmaster shocked the whole fucking world when he threw himself headfirst through a wall, landed on his face, and revealed himself to be fucking Tugboat.

This isn’t a gimmick. This is a feeling. A feeling rising through my chest like a red mist, clouding my eyes and forcing my fingers to type every sardonic, every sarcastic, every over-the-top, spelt-all-in-capitals-for-emphasis, derisive word.

And for the record, CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM? Constructive criticism is just code for ‘Not funny, could never BE funny, and actually pretty fucking egotistical to think that my advice will in any way, shape or form change your outlook or opinion, or affect ANY-FUCKING-THING you do in the future.’ I once had a teacher who told me, ‘Your work is good, buuuuuuuut…..’. To be honest, I couldn’t tell you what the end of that sentence was, because you can’t really hear a voice through fist.

This better be good.

We start the night with Batista and Gregory Helms, in what I’m sure will be SO MUCH MORE than just a squash proving that Gregory Helms is inferior to the champ in every way. This match, I am sure, will prove that ALL OF THE CHAMPIONSHIPS are worth something when Batista and Helms go to a half hour draw, to be restarted only to see Batista finally use his power to get the win, making Helms look tremendous, Batista look like he IS the dominant champion, and the Cruiserweight championship look like it is worth something.

OOH NO MY BAD ITS JUST A SQUASH.

Batista vs. Helms.

Before the match, Helms says something like, ‘You will lose the title at the Rumble’ to Kennedy. Wahey! Those are big words my man, big words. It is unfortunate, then, that you are in no way shape or form connected to the Royal Rumble match, and are therefore making threats that SOMEBODY ELSE will kick Batista’s ass before you fight him. LOOKING STRONG, HURRICANE. Plus, imagine the talk in the back after the match.

Kennedy:- Why’d you have to go and say that?
Helms:- I just thought…
Kennedy:- No! You didn’t think. Awww, he’s gonna be really mad now. He’s SURE to want to retain his title SO MUCH MORE now.
Helms:- I’m sorry!
Kennedy:- No. No, it’s too late. Game over man, game over. You doofus.

Yes, all of that sarcasm also reads…
THAT ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING.

This match sees Helms hit a few moves, always of course initiated with a poke to the eyes just to prove that Helms can only get any offense in by blinding Batista completely. Which, inevitably, makes him look stronger than even Dino Bravo! Anyway, the match ends when Helms jumps into a spinebuster, and Batista kills him with three moves. Just three.

Winner:- Batista.

And now we have another match that I will love calling…

Benoit vs. The Miz.

…and when I say calling, I mean every fucking name I can think of.

Here’s what we will see here. The most basic of basic chain wrestling, with dumb-ass facials by The Miz, which are so annoying that you would be willing to reach up your own anus if it was the only means by which to drag out your eyes. Plenty of German suplexes, and a finish that sees The Miz tap out to the crossface, Benoit carry The Miz to a semi-semi-semi-semi-semi-decent match, and me trying to see that it is true that if you poke a pencil up your nose and prod your brain, you clear it of its very last memory.

Okay… now onto the match. To begin, we see the most basic of basic chain wrestling, with dumb-ass facials by The Miz, which are so annoying that I would be willing to reach up my own anus if it was the only means by which to drag out my eyes. Plenty of German suplexes, and a finish that sees The Miz tap out to the crossface, and Benoit carry The Miz to a semi-semi-semi-semi-semi-decent match. Kinda.

By the way, not only does it NOT work, but the lead broke off and is now inserted somewhere just above my right nostril. I can feel it when I blink.

Winner:- Benoit.

Now we see Deuce and Domino in the back… doing something that I really couldn’t give two fucks about. Hitting a stage hand or some shit. I was too busy using a fingernail that I had just bitten off to get to and extract the small layer of dirt under the rest of them. You may grimace, but it was a damn sight more entertaining than this shit, so screw you.

Deuce and Domino vs. More Nameless Wonders.

WOW, LOOK, THESE TWO GUYS CAN BEAT UP NAMELESS PEOPLE THAT NOBODY IN THE AUDIENCE HAS EVER HEARD OF. WE MUST GET BEHIND THEM, BECAUSE THEIR SQUASH MATCHES ARE SO CONVINCING.

This is what I WOULD be saying if either

a) I was Short Circuit, programmed by hand by Vince McMahon,
b) I believed that Mr Bungley-Boo lived in a pair of white jeans hanging up in my wardrobe.
c) I owned a pair of white fucking jeans.

Instead, I am merely thinking, what a fucking waste of time this match is. And people say Smackdown is the wrestling show of the three, Smackdown is the most entertaining! Fucking hell! That’s like saying,

‘I was given the option of a pile of Panic! At The Disco CD’s, a pile of Will and Grace DVD’s, and a bag of manure. I chose the manure because at least I can fertilise crops with it.’

Get the point?

The match consisted of Deuce and Domino hitting moves over a period of time that was longer than ten seconds and therefore way too fucking long, and squashing the pants off of these two nameless guys. If I wanted to watch talentless nameless bastards fight, I would offer two bums a pack of bacon.

Winners:- Who the hell do you think? Do you even need my recaps to know who the hell won?

Ooooh, a backstage skit with MVP and Teddy Long! What comically misleading things will Teddy Long say this week?? A sudden death match where the first person to suddenly die loses perhaps? A match in which MVP will be locked inside a cage, maybe? With the cage being at a zoo, maybe? A zoo specialising in lions, maybe? Fuck you Teddy, it’s not amusing anymore.

MVP says he can’t fight Kane tonight because of his burns, and I check my TV guide only to find that this isn’t a repeat and I am indeed living Groundhog Day. Teddy says if he doesn’t wrestle, he isn’t in the Rumble. MVP, you are supposed to be a knowledgable business man. Yet you don’t realise when you have grounds to sue? WHY, you must just be a BADLY DESIGNED CHARACTER!!

Next.

Finlay vs. King Booker.

Right, I was really curious, and checked the Smackdown page. I was amazed to find that they actually DO have more than nine people on their active roster! Here are a couple that I bet you didn’t know wrestled for Smackdown!
KC James:- Really! He IS around somewhere. How about…

Idol Stevens:- His tag partner, also in the WANT file. How about…

Funaki:- Smackdown NOMBOR TVENTY FIDE ANNOUNCAR! HWWWWAR!

Sylvan:- He is still hired. But I hear that, due to some of JBL’s rules of the locker room, he can only enter via the back entrance. CONVOLUTED JOKES RULEZ.

Mark Henry:- Just to prove that there is a silver lining to every cloud.

To the match…

NO NO NOOOO! Is Booker playing a FACE here? What the HELL!? Match consists of Finlay flagrantly disobeying counts and generally heeling it up, while Book plays the Face in Peril who makes a large comeback only to get thwarted by a leprechaun that lives under the ring who tries to rape his wife. You know, that old story.

CUNTFACE! THAT’s what I should have called the Benoit, Miz match!

Anyway…

Finlay gets himself disqualified. The guy is great in the ring, but has the charisma of a shoelace. A standard, black shoelace. He can’t play babyface to save his life. Therefore, The Book does a turn, which I hope is temporary, and hope EVEN MORE was just a figment of my imagination. I CANT HEAR YOU NOW, I CANT SEE YOU NOW, YOU’RE NOT HERE NOW, LA LA LAAA, LA LA LA LA LAAA.

Winner:- King Booker.

Right, quick survey… oh wait.

Hey yo. Quick survey… who here remembers when inter-promotional matches were quite rare and therefore were significant when they happened, and even felt like somewhat of an event?

ME NEITHER! ANNNNNNNNNND on a totally related subject, here comes Mercury with Johnny Nitro and Melina for a tag match!

Okay, you want me to call a match? Move for move? This is the one, right here. So here it is…

My Attempt At Play By Play.

We start the match with Nitro and London. London with a sweep and a headlock, Nitro pushes off, London with a shoulderblock and a one. Let’s be honest, a shoulder was never going to get it done. HOT TAG to Kendrick and double team elbow to Nitro. Another pointless pin attempt for a one, and I’d rather be enjoying the match and making sarcastic comments than doing play-by-play. London and Kendrick with quick tags, working on the arm and then London crossbodies for two, and I’m enjoying the match but typing this quickly is killing me and OH GOD I MISSED THAT! GO BACK! GO BACK!. London has appeared on the top rope, for some flippie dippies, but the women get involved. It’s a mans game and SHIT I’M MISSING STUFF AGAIN THIS IS FUCKING IMBLOODYPOSSIBLE. I chose the wrong match, methinks. Where’s Tatanka when I need him. SHIT! I digress… erm… the match! Erm… hot tag to Kendrick, punch, kick, yawn. To be honest, I still don’t understand why Kendrick gets the hot tag. I mean… AWWFUCCCCCKK! Ermmmm… something happens here with someone and that, and then there’s the thing with the wotsit, and AH, CATFIGHT. Kendrick hits a sweet top rope sunset flip, London dropsaults Mercury. Kendrick! ONE TWO AND MELINA BREAKS IT UP IN A MOMENT THAT WASN’T HALF AS TENSE AS IT SEEMS WHEN I TYPE IT IN BIG LETTERS!! SNAPSHOT AND WE HAVE NEW CHAMPS.

Oh wait, no we don’t. On the other hand, we have a none active tag-team that is spread over two brands going over a team that is supposed to be Smackdowns very best. Wow. This is just another one of those moments where I pierce my inner-elbow with an infected needle and then continually pick the scab. For shits and giggles.

Winners:- The booking commitee. Oh wait, is this not the Biggest Retarded Fuckstains award?

As for the play-by-play? WON’T be doing that again. No sir. Go to 411 or some shit.

Erm… Sean says DON’T go to 411 or some shit. Stay here. …sorry.

Oooh, here we have more build towards Taker's tragic loss at Wrestlemania that will needlessly destroy one of the most protected legacies in the WWE today for the sake of a middle aged jacked up geezer who’s steroid abuse will inevitably lead to the deterioration of his body pretty damn soon. Erm… not that I’m bitter. Kennedy is out, and says the same old. Sure, Kennedy makes it entertaining, but JEEZ, Dub, update the damn script.
Batista comes out and begs Kennedy to slap him. Pleads for it infact… alright…gay.
Lights flicker because Paul Heyman has returned but hasn’t paid the electricity bill… nah, just kidding, it’s Taker. Taker tries to boot Kennedy in the face but hits Batista. Now, THIS is how wrestling segments should be done. This wasn’t convoluted, it wasn’t drawn out. It was pure storybuilding entertainment, simple, easy and fun.

From that to MICHAEL FUCKING COLE! ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Bleeeuggghhhbleeeuggghhhbleeeuggghhh! Bleeeeeeeugggggh!
So Kozlov hasn’t decided on a brand yet. Why do we need to see Michael Cole’s little rat-features to know that? Send over some hot broad with no charisma. Don’t send over some little gerbil faced anus with no fucking charisma. Michael Cole is the only reason my girlfriend can’t abide wrestling.

The Girlfriend:- ‘Why is that bloke squeaking in the background?’
Me:- ‘Well darling, it’s simple. It is because he is a ferret.’
The Girlfriend:- ‘Make it stop, Anvil, make it stop!’

Yes, she calls me Anvil in real life, for undisclosed reasons. But suffice it to say, it is because I plow her real hard, real good.

Next.

So, in this segment, Teddy Long is getting his mack on, and Vickie Guerrero says she will come back later. And if you listen oh so carefully, you can hear the sound of millions of people not caring.

MVP vs Kane.

I DON’T CARE. I have seen it before and didn’t care much then. They threw a cage into the mix and I didn’t care. They surrounded the ring by FUCKING FIRE AND I DIDN’T CARE!

They have a really fucking long, goes on forever and seen it all before match that I didn’t care about and nor will you so I wont bore you with the details, but it ended when Kane attempted to chokeslam Porter through a table only to eat chair.

Winner:- Kane, but I don’t care.

Then MVP goes under the ring for the gasoline. Gasoline; the standard for ANY ring. How does one put together a ring without gasoline?? HOW?? But Kane sits up, and tries to reburn MVP. Who runs like a scolded child. AHAAAAAAAHAAAAAA! I made a funny.

And now it’s time for our main event, and BY GUM I have been waiting for this moment with baited breath. My face looks like Brock Lesnar’s when he used to do that ‘I’m in a sleeper hold so I’ll hold my breath until my face turns purple’ thing.

Over The Top Rope Challenge:-

Do you know how HARD it is to review a Battle Royal? Hell, no, you don’t, because I do all the hard work for you. Lazy bastards. Okay, so everybody is fighting and stuff. The only thing of note for a while is that Miz gets eliminated by Finlay, but business is about to pick up when DONG! The Undertaker's music hits. Taker hit’s the ring, and heeeeeeeere we go! CHOKESLAM TO FINLAY! SNAKE-EYES TO BENOIT! FLYING CLOTHESLINE TO MVP! CHOKESLAM TO BOOKER! CHOKESLAM TO MVP! TOMBSTONE TO FINLAY! CHOKESLAM TO… MIZ??? MIZ GET OUT OF THE DAMN RING! YOU’RE RUINING THE FUN!

Taker then eliminates everybody, making him look dominant, and everybody else in the Rumble for Smackdown look like no hopers. Wasn’t looking so good when Maven eliminated you, were you big guy? He then Last Rides The Miz in what we can only hope was a move that did what it said on the label, land stood around looking hard. The end.

Stored in the Swagbag:- The tag match was good, but retarded. More retarded than good. Meh, it was just retarded. Okay… new plan.

Condemned To The Dungeon:- The tag match was retarded. Aaaand…

Co-Condemned To The Dungeon:- Those two hours of my life that I will never get back. We now know that Benoit, MVP, The Miz, King Booker, Finlay and Kane have no chance in hell of winning the Rumble. We also know that Taker WILL win the Rumble. So. Why bother watching the Rumble?

That’s it. I’m done. Please leave me alone. I’m going to get that lead out if I have to slice open my nostril.

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