Hey there, readers! Shane Steele here, once again proudly bringing you The Lowdown on Smackdown.
And tonight, four of the six participants in the Elimination Chamber (that would be Triple H, The Undertaker, Edge,
and Big Show) will compete in a tag team match (Trips and 'Taker vs. Edge and Show) in the main event. But hold on a
second, we still need two men for the Elimination Chamber! Quick! How can we get this problem resolved in the first 20 minutes
of the show? How about a....
Big Ol' Battle Royal For The Final Spot In The Elimination Chamber (Featuring the
likes of Kung Fu Naki, Zach Ryder, Kurt Hawkins, The Brian Kendrick, R-Truth, Primo, Carlito, Scotty Goldman, Jesse, MVP,
Shelton Benjamin, KIZARNY, Chavo Guerrero, The Great Khali, and Vladimir Kozlov)
Faster than you can say "Wait a minute, aren't there two spots?", Vickie pops up to say Jeff
is evoking his rematch clause and therefore gets spot #5. So this here Battle Royal will decide who's the last man in.
Scotty Goldman is the first man to go, meaning they gave him a webshow for basically no reason
if they're just going to keep him as a jobber. Kizarny goes next, making me wonder why the hell they hyped the guy for
so long, only to have him beat MVP once, disappear for about a month and a half, then get dumped early on here. Jesse
gets tossed, to the surprise of no one. MVP is quick to get Shelton next, but Chavo sneaks up on MVP and eliminates him. Shelton
and MVP brawl as we go to commercials.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I'm surprised the Robot Wrestling Federation hasn't caught on yet.
We return to see Chavo get tossed by Khali. Naki meets the same fate and Khali tosses The
Brian Kendrick onto both of them. Then Khali takes out Hawkins and Ryder simultaneously, but Kozlov sneaks up on him and dumps
him as well. Primo, Carlito, and R-Truth team up to hit an awesome triple dropkick on Kozlov. When Primo and Carlito try to
take out Kozlov, Kozlov ends up throwing both of them over. He proceeds to hit the battering ram on Truth and throw him out
to win it.
WINNER: Vladimir Kozlov. Then he grabs the mic and says he'll win the
Elimination Chamber. In Russian. This guy is oozing of Communism. Now if only he could enter to the old Soviet Union national
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: SEC basketball kind of sucks this season.
WrestleMania 2 recap. Roddy Piper might've had to quit tiddlywinks? Oh the humanity!
Tard Grisham is with Hurricane Helms backstage. Tard asks Helms his opinion on the Hardy betrayal
because Helms is from North Carolina, which grants him supreme knowledge on all things Hardy. Helms says he was initially
surprised, then remembered Matt had always had a bit of an ego. Where was this ego when he was face? Might've made him a bit
more interesting. Helms says Matt's just showing his true colors now and plans to find him tonight. Dear God, please don't
tell I have to suffer through another Helms/Hardy feud.
Edge and Vickie are in Vickie's office, where Vickie has placed action figures of Edge, Chavo,
and herself on the coffee table for no particular reason. It's kind of creepy. Edge is nervous about the Chamber and Vickie
tries to calm him, but who should wander in, but Smiley Big Show! Show tries to pump up Edge, but Edge demonstrates mastery
of continuity by saying he remembers Show walking out on him the last time they tagged together. Vickie says no one will walk
out tonight and everyone shares an awkward moment of staring and shifting uneasily. O...kay.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Poor Peter Sellers must be doing backflips in his grave right now.
Matt's in the ring now to some "We want Jeff!" chants. Well, ya can't have him! So there!
Matt tells Helms to come get some, which he does, only to get beat down. After Matt generally beats the crap out of him for
a while, Helms manages to come back with a Thesz press, only to get tossed into the steel steps when he tries to chase Matt
out of the ring. Matt tosses him back in the ring and fires off a massive amount of elbows to the head before some refs arrive.
Obviously in fear of the powers wielded by men such as RUDY CHARLES, Matt takes his leave, while Helms lies still like he
was hit by a truck.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Hold up! Communist agents do not drive tiny compact cars and they certainly
don't care about cheese.
US Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. MVP
Pre-match, Shelton gets in a cheap shot by comparing MVP to Peyton Manning (as in never able
to win the big one, despite Peyton doing that 2 years ago). The crowd boos, which means I guess we're in Indianapolis tonight.
That, or everybody here works for Mastercard.
MVP starts off with a big clothesline and a few punches to score a 1-count. Shelton counters
with an exploder suplex and goes for Paydirt, but MVP blocks it and elbows Shelton in the face. Shelton responds by hanging
MVP up on the ropes and letting him fall to the outside. Shelton continues to thrash MVP outside the ring and eventually rolls
him back in the ring to score a 2-count. An armlock is followed by some knees to the gut and finally, a gutbuster for 2. Shelton
works a waistlock, then transitions to an abdominal stretch. MVP escapes with a hip toss and follows up with an overhead throw
for 2. Shelton comes back with a German suplex with a bridge for 2. Shelton goes for a Dragon Whip, but he misses and MVP
capitalizes by hitting a big boot for 2. Shelton gets right back in it with a backbreaker for 2. With MVP in the corner, Shelton
goes for a pair of Stinger Splashes. #1 connects, but #2 misses and MVP follows up with the Drive-By kick for the win.
The Colons are chilling backstage when the Bellas appear to wish them good luck with kisses.
I wish more women would wish me good luck like this. R-Truth says that's what's up and the three walk off. I guess they're
all tagging together tonight. That, or Truth likes to watch.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: "United Church of the Fonz". I'm also watching Family Guy.
John Morrison & The Miz and The Brian Kendrick W/ Ezekiel Jackson (Or, Simply
Put, Team Awesomeness) vs. R-Truth and Carlito & Primo
Miz and Primo start things off, with Miz working a waistlock. Primo escapes and slams Miz
into the corner, then tags to Carlito, who promptly tags to R-Truth. Way to make yourself useful, Carlito. R-Truth hits a
big dropkick on Miz, but Kendrick distracts the ref, which allows Morrison to interfere. Miz hits the corner clothesline,
then tags to Morrison. The pair hit a double gutbuster and Morrison tags to Kendrick. The usual kicks follow for 2. Tag to
Morrison, who punches and stomps, only to have pull out a surprise backslide for 2. Morrison tags to Kendrick, who gets in
more kicks before working a camel clutch. Truth manages to escape and tags to Carlito, who hits a dropkick, a knee lift, a
shoulder block, and a suplex (in that order) for 2. Primo takes out Miz, Morrison takes out Primo, Truth takes out Morrison,
and Kendrick takes out Truth, leaving the two legal men. Miz, having recovered, distracts Carlito, allowing Kendrick to hit
The Kendrick for the win.
WINNERS: Team Awesomeness (otherwise known as Miz, Morrison, and Kendrick).
Jeff will make his return and Eve will wrestle tonight. Well, I guess someone needs to fill the "hot diva" void while Maryse
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Passing reference to Mrs. Voorhees? FOR SHAME, MICHAEL BAY!
Speaking of Maryse, we get a nice little sorta-kinda-maybe return promo. Damn that dislocated
knee keeping her hotness of my TV screen.
Eve Torres vs. Michelle McCool W/ A Cross on Her Ass (God Does Not Approve! He'd Probably
Prefer It On A Better Ass)
From the lock-up, Michelle works an armbar. Eve eventually starts to fight back and gets a
roll-up for 1. Michelle, flustered that Eve is capable of such advanced maneuvers, takes a breather on the outside, then comes
back in to punch Eve smack in the jaw. Eve tries to fight back, but gets clotheslined for her efforts. Michelle applies a
half Boston crab, but Eve fights back and goes for another roll-up that gets 1 once more. A back elbow, clothesline, and dropkick
combination from Eve get 2. Eve tries to go up top, but Michelle pulls her down and applies the heel hook (no longer from
Brazil. Guess it got a green card.) for the win.
WINNER: Michelle McCool. Maria tries to attack, but Michelle just takes
off. Come on Michelle, it's Maria! You kick the shit out of her on a weekly basis!
Matt's head pops up to say he hopes Jeff doesn't suffer another accident (FORESHADOWING?).
The tag team borefest that is tonight's main event will come later.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Now I'm watching the Mr. Deeds remake. If Adam Sandler really
owned the Jets, I would probably panic. Well, not as much as I would if he owned the Rams.
We get a WrestleMania X recap. It was a night of great matches, innovation, and more importantly,
guys like Adam Bomb, Crush, Men on a Mission, and Harvey Whippleman! What's not to love?
Umaga vs. Kung Fu Naki
Toss, superkick, corner butt charge, Samoan Spike. Oh, and Naki did none of that.
WINNER: Umaga! Isn't he just so loveable, destroying Asian stereotypes
on a weekly basis?
Triple H is taping his hands backstage for no other reason other than he feels like it. Mega-boring
tag match will come later.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Never start off a commercial by telling people they have no credit. That's
RAW Rebound. Shane's kendo stick has sound effects. It's like it's a toy Lightsaber or something.
No Way Out rundown. And despite how everyone's completely shitting all over it, I actually
like the World Heavyweight Championship Elimination Chamber. It's nice to see guys like Mike Knox and Kofi Kingston get a
main event chance, even if it is just one night (and it will be just one night. Ask The Brian Kendrick).
Edge and Big Show vs. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: There is nothing even remotely funny about that little stack of money.
...vs. Triple H and The Undertaker
A match is never off to a good start when your audience is falling asleep during the entrances.
Trips and Big Show start off, with Triple H immeadiately tagging to The Undertaker. I pray we won't have to see 'Taker vs.
Show Version 2,000 anytime soon. A punching contest ensues, which Undertaker wins, as usual. But when 'Taker bounces off the
ropes, Show catches him with a clothesline. Tag to Edge, who comes in only to get clobbered in the corner by UT. Tag to Triple
H, who gets in some punches of his own before Edge blocks a corner charge and goes for the spear. Triple H dodges and sets
up for a Pedigree, but Edge rolls out of the ring as we go to COMMERCIALS.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Don't most cops do street patrol? What makes yours so special?
Show has apparently used the dark powers of the commercial break to take control. A pair of
elbow drops on HHH get 2. Tag to Edge, who gets in some punches before hitting the Edge-O-Matic for 2. A headlock is followed
by a sunset flip for 1. Tag to Big Show, who kind of whiffs on a Fatty Splash, but gets 2 anyway. He follows up with a sidewalk
slam for 2. Tag to Edge, who hits a corner spear, but misses the real deal. Tag to Big Show, who hits some headbutts, but
misses on the Vader Bomb attempt. Trips uses this chance to hit a DDT. Tags to both 'Taker and Edge result in Undertaker totally
cleaning house, until Show bounces 'Taker's head off the ropes. Edge hits the spear, but when he goes for the cover, Undertaker
locks in the gogoplata, only to have Big Show break it up. Tag to Triple H, who goes for The Pedigree on Edge, only to have
Show chokeslam him. Then, out of nowhere, Edge recieves some FALCON...PUNCH! courtesy of Big Show, who just waddles back over
to his corner. Tag to Undertaker, who hits the Tombstone to end it.
WINNERS: Triple H and The Undertaker.
Well, thus ends another edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown. Join me next week, as hopefully
the crap I have to see will be a bit more entertaining next time.
Shane Steele had a book on Presidents as a child and as a result of reading
said book repeatedly, can now identify flashcard-sized verisons of most of our Presidents. Emphasis on "most". He still has
a little trouble remembering which one is Polk. When not busy, Shane can often be found reciting poetry. In Vicent Price's
voice. Nothing creepy about that at all.