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SMACKDOWN ARCHIVES FEBRUARY 2009

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Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele 
(02/06/09) 

Hey there, readers! Shane Steele here, once again proudly bringing you The Lowdown on Smackdown. And tonight, four of the six participants in the Elimination Chamber (that would be Triple H, The Undertaker, Edge, and Big Show) will compete in a tag team match (Trips and 'Taker vs. Edge and Show) in the main event. But hold on a second, we still need two men for the Elimination Chamber! Quick! How can we get this problem resolved in the first 20 minutes of the show? How about a....
 
Big Ol' Battle Royal For The Final Spot In The Elimination Chamber (Featuring the likes of Kung Fu Naki, Zach Ryder, Kurt Hawkins, The Brian Kendrick, R-Truth, Primo, Carlito, Scotty Goldman, Jesse, MVP, Shelton Benjamin, KIZARNY, Chavo Guerrero, The Great Khali, and Vladimir Kozlov)
 
Faster than you can say "Wait a minute, aren't there two spots?", Vickie pops up to say Jeff is evoking his rematch clause and therefore gets spot #5. So this here Battle Royal will decide who's the last man in.
 
Scotty Goldman is the first man to go, meaning they gave him a webshow for basically no reason if they're just going to keep him as a jobber. Kizarny goes next, making me wonder why the hell they hyped the guy for so long, only to have him beat MVP once, disappear for about a month and a half, then get dumped early on here. Jesse gets tossed, to the surprise of no one. MVP is quick to get Shelton next, but Chavo sneaks up on MVP and eliminates him. Shelton and MVP brawl as we go to commercials.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I'm surprised the Robot Wrestling Federation hasn't caught on yet.
 
We return to see Chavo get tossed by Khali. Naki meets the same fate and Khali tosses The Brian Kendrick onto both of them. Then Khali takes out Hawkins and Ryder simultaneously, but Kozlov sneaks up on him and dumps him as well. Primo, Carlito, and R-Truth team up to hit an awesome triple dropkick on Kozlov. When Primo and Carlito try to take out Kozlov, Kozlov ends up throwing both of them over. He proceeds to hit the battering ram on Truth and throw him out to win it.
 
WINNER: Vladimir Kozlov. Then he grabs the mic and says he'll win the Elimination Chamber. In Russian. This guy is oozing of Communism. Now if only he could enter to the old Soviet Union national anthem....
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: SEC basketball kind of sucks this season.
 
WrestleMania 2 recap. Roddy Piper might've had to quit tiddlywinks? Oh the humanity!
 
Tard Grisham is with Hurricane Helms backstage. Tard asks Helms his opinion on the Hardy betrayal because Helms is from North Carolina, which grants him supreme knowledge on all things Hardy. Helms says he was initially surprised, then remembered Matt had always had a bit of an ego. Where was this ego when he was face? Might've made him a bit more interesting. Helms says Matt's just showing his true colors now and plans to find him tonight. Dear God, please don't tell I have to suffer through another Helms/Hardy feud.
 
Edge and Vickie are in Vickie's office, where Vickie has placed action figures of Edge, Chavo, and herself on the coffee table for no particular reason. It's kind of creepy. Edge is nervous about the Chamber and Vickie tries to calm him, but who should wander in, but Smiley Big Show! Show tries to pump up Edge, but Edge demonstrates mastery of continuity by saying he remembers Show walking out on him the last time they tagged together. Vickie says no one will walk out tonight and everyone shares an awkward moment of staring and shifting uneasily. O...kay.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Poor Peter Sellers must be doing backflips in his grave right now.
 
Matt's in the ring now to some "We want Jeff!" chants. Well, ya can't have him! So there! Matt tells Helms to come get some, which he does, only to get beat down. After Matt generally beats the crap out of him for a while, Helms manages to come back with a Thesz press, only to get tossed into the steel steps when he tries to chase Matt out of the ring. Matt tosses him back in the ring and fires off a massive amount of elbows to the head before some refs arrive. Obviously in fear of the powers wielded by men such as RUDY CHARLES, Matt takes his leave, while Helms lies still like he was hit by a truck.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Hold up! Communist agents do not drive tiny compact cars and they certainly don't care about cheese.
 
US Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. MVP
 
Pre-match, Shelton gets in a cheap shot by comparing MVP to Peyton Manning (as in never able to win the big one, despite Peyton doing that 2 years ago). The crowd boos, which means I guess we're in Indianapolis tonight. That, or everybody here works for Mastercard.
 
MVP starts off with a big clothesline and a few punches to score a 1-count. Shelton counters with an exploder suplex and goes for Paydirt, but MVP blocks it and elbows Shelton in the face. Shelton responds by hanging MVP up on the ropes and letting him fall to the outside. Shelton continues to thrash MVP outside the ring and eventually rolls him back in the ring to score a 2-count. An armlock is followed by some knees to the gut and finally, a gutbuster for 2. Shelton works a waistlock, then transitions to an abdominal stretch. MVP escapes with a hip toss and follows up with an overhead throw for 2. Shelton comes back with a German suplex with a bridge for 2. Shelton goes for a Dragon Whip, but he misses and MVP capitalizes by hitting a big boot for 2. Shelton gets right back in it with a backbreaker for 2. With MVP in the corner, Shelton goes for a pair of Stinger Splashes. #1 connects, but #2 misses and MVP follows up with the Drive-By kick for the win.
 
WINNER: MVP.
 
The Colons are chilling backstage when the Bellas appear to wish them good luck with kisses. I wish more women would wish me good luck like this. R-Truth says that's what's up and the three walk off. I guess they're all tagging together tonight. That, or Truth likes to watch.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: "United Church of the Fonz". I'm also watching Family Guy.
 
John Morrison & The Miz and The Brian Kendrick W/ Ezekiel Jackson (Or, Simply Put, Team Awesomeness) vs. R-Truth and Carlito & Primo
 
Miz and Primo start things off, with Miz working a waistlock. Primo escapes and slams Miz into the corner, then tags to Carlito, who promptly tags to R-Truth. Way to make yourself useful, Carlito. R-Truth hits a big dropkick on Miz, but Kendrick distracts the ref, which allows Morrison to interfere. Miz hits the corner clothesline, then tags to Morrison. The pair hit a double gutbuster and Morrison tags to Kendrick. The usual kicks follow for 2. Tag to Morrison, who punches and stomps, only to have pull out a surprise backslide for 2. Morrison tags to Kendrick, who gets in more kicks before working a camel clutch. Truth manages to escape and tags to Carlito, who hits a dropkick, a knee lift, a shoulder block, and a suplex (in that order) for 2. Primo takes out Miz, Morrison takes out Primo, Truth takes out Morrison, and Kendrick takes out Truth, leaving the two legal men. Miz, having recovered, distracts Carlito, allowing Kendrick to hit The Kendrick for the win.
 
WINNERS: Team Awesomeness (otherwise known as Miz, Morrison, and Kendrick). Jeff will make his return and Eve will wrestle tonight. Well, I guess someone needs to fill the "hot diva" void while Maryse is away.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Passing reference to Mrs. Voorhees? FOR SHAME, MICHAEL BAY!
 
Speaking of Maryse, we get a nice little sorta-kinda-maybe return promo. Damn that dislocated knee keeping her hotness of my TV screen.
 
Eve Torres vs. Michelle McCool W/ A Cross on Her Ass (God Does Not Approve! He'd Probably Prefer It On A Better Ass)
 
From the lock-up, Michelle works an armbar. Eve eventually starts to fight back and gets a roll-up for 1. Michelle, flustered that Eve is capable of such advanced maneuvers, takes a breather on the outside, then comes back in to punch Eve smack in the jaw. Eve tries to fight back, but gets clotheslined for her efforts. Michelle applies a half Boston crab, but Eve fights back and goes for another roll-up that gets 1 once more. A back elbow, clothesline, and dropkick combination from Eve get 2. Eve tries to go up top, but Michelle pulls her down and applies the heel hook (no longer from Brazil. Guess it got a green card.) for the win.
 
WINNER: Michelle McCool. Maria tries to attack, but Michelle just takes off. Come on Michelle, it's Maria! You kick the shit out of her on a weekly basis!
 
Matt's head pops up to say he hopes Jeff doesn't suffer another accident (FORESHADOWING?). The tag team borefest that is tonight's main event will come later.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Now I'm watching the Mr. Deeds remake. If Adam Sandler really owned the Jets, I would probably panic. Well, not as much as I would if he owned the Rams.
 
We get a WrestleMania X recap. It was a night of great matches, innovation, and more importantly, guys like Adam Bomb, Crush, Men on a Mission, and Harvey Whippleman! What's not to love?
 
Umaga vs. Kung Fu Naki
 
Toss, superkick, corner butt charge, Samoan Spike. Oh, and Naki did none of that.
 
WINNER: Umaga! Isn't he just so loveable, destroying Asian stereotypes on a weekly basis?
 
Triple H is taping his hands backstage for no other reason other than he feels like it. Mega-boring tag match will come later.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Never start off a commercial by telling people they have no credit. That's just rude.
 
RAW Rebound. Shane's kendo stick has sound effects. It's like it's a toy Lightsaber or something.
 
No Way Out rundown. And despite how everyone's completely shitting all over it, I actually like the World Heavyweight Championship Elimination Chamber. It's nice to see guys like Mike Knox and Kofi Kingston get a main event chance, even if it is just one night (and it will be just one night. Ask The Brian Kendrick).
 
Edge and Big Show vs. COMMERCIALS!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: There is nothing even remotely funny about that little stack of money.
 
...vs. Triple H and The Undertaker
 
A match is never off to a good start when your audience is falling asleep during the entrances. Trips and Big Show start off, with Triple H immeadiately tagging to The Undertaker. I pray we won't have to see 'Taker vs. Show Version 2,000 anytime soon. A punching contest ensues, which Undertaker wins, as usual. But when 'Taker bounces off the ropes, Show catches him with a clothesline. Tag to Edge, who comes in only to get clobbered in the corner by UT. Tag to Triple H, who gets in some punches of his own before Edge blocks a corner charge and goes for the spear. Triple H dodges and sets up for a Pedigree, but Edge rolls out of the ring as we go to COMMERCIALS.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Don't most cops do street patrol? What makes yours so special?
 
Show has apparently used the dark powers of the commercial break to take control. A pair of elbow drops on HHH get 2. Tag to Edge, who gets in some punches before hitting the Edge-O-Matic for 2. A headlock is followed by a sunset flip for 1. Tag to Big Show, who kind of whiffs on a Fatty Splash, but gets 2 anyway. He follows up with a sidewalk slam for 2. Tag to Edge, who hits a corner spear, but misses the real deal. Tag to Big Show, who hits some headbutts, but misses on the Vader Bomb attempt. Trips uses this chance to hit a DDT. Tags to both 'Taker and Edge result in Undertaker totally cleaning house, until Show bounces 'Taker's head off the ropes. Edge hits the spear, but when he goes for the cover, Undertaker locks in the gogoplata, only to have Big Show break it up. Tag to Triple H, who goes for The Pedigree on Edge, only to have Show chokeslam him. Then, out of nowhere, Edge recieves some FALCON...PUNCH! courtesy of Big Show, who just waddles back over to his corner. Tag to Undertaker, who hits the Tombstone to end it.
 
WINNERS: Triple H and The Undertaker.
 
Well, thus ends another edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown. Join me next week, as hopefully the crap I have to see will be a bit more entertaining next time.
 
Shane Steele had a book on Presidents as a child and as a result of reading said book repeatedly, can now identify flashcard-sized verisons of most of our Presidents. Emphasis on "most". He still has a little trouble remembering which one is Polk. When not busy, Shane can often be found reciting poetry. In Vicent Price's voice. Nothing creepy about that at all.


 
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (02/13/09) 

Good day and welcome to The Lowdown on Smackdown! I'm your ever (un)popular host, Shane Steele who once again turned this in late, but still somewhere near a rating of remotely decent thanks to YouTube user singh02king11. But hey, better late than never, right? Right? RIGHT?!
 
The show opens with Edge and Vickie heading down to the ring. I'm kinda ticked at Edge for getting my hopes up for Chrisitan coming to Smackdown with that whole "5 Second Pose" deal, only to screw me over when Christian goes to ECW. Thanks a lot, Edge! But, back to what's really happening. Edge says being forced into the Elimination Chamber against his will and despite a minor neck injury he suffered while getting Tombstoned during his match last week. He blames Big Show for p utting him in that position and the fans cheer Show's name. Oh great. Face Big Show. Not again. And ew, gross, Edge just called Vickie hot! I need to puke. But EXCUSE ME! It's Vickie's time to talk now. She says Edge won't compete tonight, while Edge reminds everyone to shut up and respect the both of them. This is interrupted by Ol' Smilin' Big Show, who jovially makes his way down to the ring. I hate Smiley Big Show. Show shuts Edge down and tells him to chill out, because this Sunday there will be NO WAY OUT. Edge beats me to the punch, mocks Show for the incredibly lame pun, and continues to blame him for what happened last week. Edge says he'll find a way to escape the Chamber with his title and says Show used to be cool, but now he's lame. Right there with you on that one, buddy. Show retaliates by promising Edge he won't walk out of the Chamber with his title. But EXCUSE HIM! Vickie announces a Fatal Four-Way with Show, Kozlov, Triple H, and The Undertaker squaring off tonight. Tonight will also see th e return of Jeff Hardy, no doubt making millions of fangirls very happy.
 
No Commercial Thoughts because it's YouTube, but we do get a 'Taker promo that consists of the usual "blah, blah, blah, I will bury everyone".
 
Carlito and Primo are chilling with the Bellas backstage. The girls say thanks for the flowers they got, but it turns out it wasn't The Colons, but rather Miz and Morrison, who pop up to crack wise and be awesome. The girls decide whoever wins the match between the two teams tonight will get to go on a date with them. Then Miz and Morrison walk off, with Morrison saying "See ya later, Colons" (keep in mind, that's with no Spanish pronunciation, so that makes it insanely funny).
 
John Morrison & The Miz vs. Carlito & Primo (Winner Gets To Go Out With The Bella Twins)
 
Carlito starts off with The Miz. Lock-up leads to Carlito getting in a clothesline, then working a headlock. A Carlito shoulder block and punch follow. Miz manages to duck a springboard sault attempt, but he turns around into a dropkick. Tag to Primo, who hits a senton for 2. Miz tags in Morrison, who clobbers Primo with some punches, the rolling through a sunset attempt for 2. More roll-up attempts follow from each man until Primo begins to work a headlock. Morrison escapes and tags to Miz, who gets a hurricarana for his troubles. Primo tags to Carlito, who hits a springboard elbow. When he tries to charge Miz, Miz dodges and Morrison pulls down the ropes to send Carlito out as we go to the break I don't get to see.
 
Back from said break, Morrison his working a headlock, which Carlito reverses into a backslide for 2. Tag to Miz, who gets in a few punches before tagging to Morrison, as it's time for the Awesome Double-Team Move That Still Has No Name. It gets 2. Morrison tags back to Miz and they hit a double gut buster. Miz works a headlock, but Carlito escapes, only to get a reverse legsweep. Miz goes for the Reality Check, but Carlito dodges and hits a spinebuster. Tags to Morrison and Primo, but only Primo comes in with a HOUSE OF FI-YAH! Big dropkick after some mega-lucha offense gets 2. The legsweep takedown that follows also gets 2. Morrison manages to take out Carlito and when Primo goes to the top rope, Miz shoves him off. The allows Morrison to hit the Moonlight Drive for the win and the ladies!
 
WINNERS: John Morrison & The Miz, who waste no time getting all over the Bellas. Seriously, why can't getting a date be as easy as beating some Puerto Ricans? I'd be busy every night! One girl looks happy, the other, eh, not so much. Jeez, I wish it was easier to tell these two apart. Can one at least get a scar or something?
 
Jeff arrives in a..sports car?! Why was he driving that hunk of crap around the night he got rear-ended when he's to a sports car?! Anyway, Jeff and his military-esque jacket go around greeting Jimmy Wang Yang, R-Truth, and The Great Khali backstage. His segment is next.
 
General Jeff heads for the ring and when he gets there, he says he feels a bunch of strange emotions about what happened as more pictures keep randomly popping up. Just as the mood music fires up, he says Matt is messed up, but instead of focusing on Matt, he's going to focus on regaining the title at No Way Out. I never thought I'd say this, but Matt gave a better promo than Jeff.
 
Ezekiel Jackson W/ The Brian Kendrick vs. R-Truth
 
Truth starts off punching and doges the usual hoss-tacular offense to hit a kick to the face. But Zeke ain't havin' none of that and hits a big shoulder block, followed by a scoop slam for 2. Zeke slaps on a full nelson, but Truth escapes, only to get military press slammed. Zeke works a waistlock, but Truth escapes once more and gets 2 off a roll-up. Zeke comes back with a clothesline and goes for the Black Bottom (aka an uranage slam), but Truth reverses into a roll-up for the win.
 
WINNER: R-Truth. Poor Zeke. The streak is over. And he had such promise. Remember, he took a Triple H chairshot and laughed! Laughed, I tell you!
 
At this point, I would like to bring up that there was an MVP vs. Chavo match this evening, but I can't seem to find it on YouTube. I guess it was either the greatest thing ever and WWE wants no one to see it or it was so bad that nobody put it up. I'll go with the latter. The finish saw Shelton Benjamin interfere and hit the Paydirt on MVP, giving him with win by DQ. Then Chavo hit a Frog Splash because he wanted to.
 
Eve is backstage with Maria, who faces Michelle McCool tonight. Maria says she'll give Michelle the fight of her life and Eve wishes her luck. Wow. That was pointless.
 
Michelle McCool vs. Maria
 
Maria shoves Michelle and hits a hurricarana, but Michelle instantly crushes all her momentum by kicking her in the stomach and slamming her into the ropes. From here, Michelle targets the leg, slamming it into the steel steps and stomping on it and such. A Russian legsweep gets 2. Michelle goes back to attacking the leg, but Maria sneaks in a roll-up for 2. Maria gets in an enziguri and another roll-up for 2. A low dropkick from Michelle puts an end to that nonsense. Eve tries to interfere, but Michelle beats her up. Maria comes from behind and rolls up Michelle for the win.
 
WINNER: Maria.
 
Tard Grisham is backstage with Triple H, who says he is extremely confident (gee, what a surprise) and very proud of his new t-shirt, which he shills. There's more Latin gibberish on the back that means "destroyer". Trips says he has the advantage tonight because he has the most Chamber experience. For some reason, HHH looks incredibly old tonight.
 
A quick No Way Out rundown. JR says they're might be a new World Heavyweight Champion. Please say it's Mike Knox.
 
Triple H vs. Big Show vs. Vladimir Kozlov vs. The Undertaker
 
Things start off when Show goes after Trips and Kozlov goes after the Undertaker. General punchy goodness from everyone. Undertaker tosses Kozlov from the ring and teams up with Triple H to send Big Show on his way out too. A punching contest between the two ensues, which Undertaker wins. He hits Snake Eyes, but Triple H bounces back with the Double A spinebuster. 'Taker rises, but Show takes out both Trips and UT as it's time for the nonexistent commercial break.
 
We're back in time to see Kozlov toss Undertaker into the steel steps in a manner most brutal. Then he gets back in the ring and helps Big Show beat up Triple H. A double shoulder block from both men is followed by a shoulder barrage in the corner from Kozlov. He tries to let Show have a go at it, but Show just chokeslams him. Courtesy at its finest. It only gets 2 when Undertaker breaks up the pin. Then UT hits that flying choke clothesline thing on Show. Big Show tries to go for a chokesla m, but Undertaker blocks it and hits a DDT. Kozlov breaks up the pin and then powerslams Undertaker for 2. Undertaker locks in the Devil's Gate (I guess it's his problem now) on Kozlov, but Show breaks it up, only to get stuck in the move formerly known as the gogoplata himself. Trips breaks it up and hits the knee slam on Big Show. He tries to go for the pedigree, but Show blocks it, only to get booted in the face by Undertaker. Kozlov comes back and takes out everyone until Undertaker stops him with a big boot/legdrop combo. SHADES OF HULK HOGAN! But before he can get the pin like our beloved Hulkster, Big Show attacks and proceeds to go Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robots on him in the corner. Show goes for a Vader Bomb on 'Taker, but he misses and gets hit with a Kozlov battering ram headbutt when he gets up. Triple H hits the Pedigree on Kozlov, only to get Tombstoned right after that. However, Show is back up and hits a chokeslam on Undertaker, but before he can get the pin, Edge spears him, leaving everyone out to end the show.
 
WINNER: Techincally Big Show, since he was the one who got speared. However, wwe.com disagrees and says it's No Contest. You make the call.
 
Well, that does it for this edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown. I'm Shane Steele, and please, feel free to check out the other stuff on the site. It's very good and done by some great people.
 
Shane Steele eats punks like you for breakfast. Actually, he eats Hot Pockets because face it, you probably don't taste that good. When he's not busy plotting utter global domination, Shane can be found working on the various accents he likes to do. Because men who can switch from German to Russian mid-sentence are awesome.

SEND FEEDBACK TO SHANE STEELE

 
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (02/20/09) 

He yo! Shane Steele here again with another late edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown! And I swear, maybe I'll see this on TV next week so we can have those hilarious commercial thoughts that everyone seems to hate, er, love, er, not care about. Yeah, the last one works.
 
Our story begins with Edge heading down to the ring with his new World Heavyweight Championship. Edge proceeds to tell the fans they've never done anything and that they're all losers. Can't argue with you there, buddy. I kid you, Portland! Edge continues to prattle on about everything he did at No Way Out (being in two Elimination Chambers, losing a title and winning another one in the same night, beating up Kofi Kingston, yada yada yada) before deciding to leave. Suddenly, Jeff Hardy's music hit s and he makes his way to the ring. He congratulates Edge, then says it's Vickie who does all the work for him. Debateable. He lays down a challenge for the title tonight, but Edge shoots him down with a substance abuse joke. BURN...your house down! Edge goes on to say Jeff has no right to challenge him, but Jeff says he'll just go to Vickie then because she's so much nicer and totally won't shut him up in an obnoxious way (SARCASM). Or was it something about Vickie wearing the pants in the relationship? I don't know. Edge tries to attack, but Jeff ducks and hits a Twist of Fate.
 
According to JR, he'll be interviewing Triple H tonight to find out why he turned up on RAW. Um, because he wants to be on both shows, why else? We get replay footage of what happened on RAW and I guess Orton's IED is acting up again because damn, was he pissed.
 
Vickie is chilling in her office, but Kizarny pops up to spoil the fun (and my mood) by speakng gibberish. Edge mercifully pops in to tell him to scram and informs Vickie he'll be facing Jeff tonight in a non-title match.
 
Michelle McCool and Divas Champion Maryse vs. Eve Torres and Maria
 
Maria and Michelle starts off, with Michelle doing her usual "who said you could get in any offense?" routine until Maria hits a monkey flip and a clothesline. She tries to lock in some sort of submission, but Maryse breaks it up. This allows Michelle to toss Maria from the ring, where Maryse gets in some cheap shots. When Michelle rolls Maria back in the ring, Maria tries a roll-up for 2. This pisses Michelle off, so she hangs her up on the ropes and hits a dropkick for 2. Some knees to the face and a legsweep also get 2. Tag to Maryse, who comes in to hit an incredibly sloppy facecrusher legsweep for 2. She slaps a chinlock on Maria, but Maria escapes with a kick and tags to Eve, who comes in with a HOUSE OF FI-YAH! A suplex ends said fi-yah and gets 2. When Eve sends Maryse into the corner and goes for the usual 10 punch routine, Michelle kicks her off the ropes while the ref is distracted with Maria. Maryse then takes out Maria and covers Eve for the win.
 
WINNERS: Maryse and Michelle. Next, we'll see a short recap of Miz and Morrison's Valentine's Day date with the Bellas.
 
As promised, here is said recap. Miz introduces some champagne and Morrison breaks out his abs. In a restaurant. These guys are so awesome. The quartet toasts to them being winners and Carlito and Primo being losers. Then the guys start to holler for their food. Later in the evening, Miz and Morrison belittle a Hispanic waiter with a grimy moustache about the quality of their food. Hm...moustache? Hispanic? Poor service? By God! Manuel from Fawlty Towers? Alas no, it's Primo and Carlito in disguise, who are trying to screw up the date. How did they fit all of Carlito's hair under a wig? The two bring out some pies, but Miz and Morrison finally see through the disguises and rip off the wig, with Morrison hilariously exclaiming "The Colons!". I will never get over how funny it is whenever he says "colon". Mispronunciation is funny. The Colons try to hit Miz and Morrison with the pies, but hit the Bellas instead. Miz and Morrison vanish, the girls yell at the Colons, then leave, and Primo and Carlito are stuck at the restaurant to talk in Spanish. Next week, The Colons will defend their tag team titles against Miz and Morrison. If Miz and Morrison win, they will be the undisputed tag team champions. MAKE IT HAPPEN.
 
US Champion Shelton Benjamin and Chavo Guerrero vs. R-Truth and MVP
 
Well, not really. During his entrance, R-Truth gets attacked by Chavo and Shelton. MVP scares them off, but it's too late for Truth, as he apparently disappears during a commercial break. This makes the match:
 
Shelton Benjamin and Chavo Guerrero vs. MVP (Handicap Match)
 
Back from the break that saw the disappearance of R-Truth (he'll be on a milk carton soon), MVP is beating on Benjamin, who quickly tags to Chavo. Chavo proceeds to get big back body dropped and slammed for 2. A knee to the head and the Ballin' Elbow (God, how I missed this move) get 2 as well when Shelton breaks up the pin. In response, P punches Shelton off the apron and throws Chavo in the corner, but Shelton pulls Chavo out of the way of MVP's kick. Shelton tags in and comes in punching, then works a headlock. MVP fights out and gets hit with a T-Bone suplex for 2. Chavo tags himself in with a blind tag and hits the 3 Amigos, but then Shelton blind tags in. This pisses Chavo off, so he punches out Shelton and hits the Frog Splash on him. As Chavo watches, MVP hits the Drive-By kick on Shelton for the win.
 
WINNER: MVP. The Triple H-JR interview is next. I assume this is not going to end like his interview with Kane did.
 
JR shows Trips the footage from RAW and asks him what he thinks of it. Trips says Randy has attacked his father-in-law, his brother-in-law, and his wife and that's too much for him. Woah, hold up there. They're going to acknowledge Steph is his wife now? I thought that was just going to be one of his little things Trips could make inside jokes about. Trips moves around uneasily, throws off his mic, and leaves. JR breathes a heavy sigh of relief, thankful he wasn't set on fire.
 
Umaga W/ Horrifyingly Bright Red Trunks vs. Scotty Goldman W/ Walking Papers as of Yesterday
 
Due to Scotty Goldman's release, I will never have to sit through the abomination that was What's Crackin' again. Thank God. As far as the match goes, Black Hole Slam, kick to the face, running butt attack, Samoan Spike.
 
WINNER: Umaga.
 
But EXCUSE THAT! Vickie is in the ring. She says HBK and JBL have no right to challenge The Undertaker since he's on Smackdown and they're on RAW. I'm fine with HBK doing it since the match should be great, but I really don't want to see JBL vs. 'Taker. According to Vickie, the one who is truly worthy is Vladimir Kozlov. Communism vs. The Undead. That would make one sweet B-movie. Vickie says Kozlov will prove he's worthy by beating The Undertaker next week. Getting ahead of yourself much? Kozlov tells "Shawn Mike and Jimmy El" that he will crush them on RAW, then break The Undertaker on Smackdown. Gotta love Communist mispronunciation. Still works better when Morrison says "Colon". Edge vs. Jeff is next.
 
Somewhere in the evening, there was a Gail Kim return promo. I got a peek at it. Nothing much, just the usual "she's training, she's coming, whoo-hoo!". Still can't wait for her to come back, though.
 
World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. Jeff Hardy (Non-Title Match)
 
Jeff gets the ball rolling with a drop toe hold, a pair of armdrags, and an armbar. Edge breaks free with some punches, but when he tries to counter a Jeff corner charge, Jeff throws him to the mat. Jeff works another armbar, but Edge escapes by punching. When Edge tries to charge Jeff, Jeff sends him out of the ring, then slams his head on the barrier. Edge rolls back in the ring and hits Hardy with a neckbreaker as he tries to get back in the ring. BREAK.
 
Back from the break, Edge is in control, hitting a crossbody on Jeff as he lay still in the ropes. Edge works a headlock, but Jeff fights out, only to have Edge slam him to the mat by his hair. A neckbreaker gets 2 before Edge goes back to the headlock. Jeff escapes, but in his mass confusion of running around, he somehow manages to knock himself out of the ring. Jeff barely beats the 10-count, but gets stomped on by Edge once he gets back in. An Edge elbow drop gets 2. Edge tries to go up top, but Jef f knocks him out of the ring, then dives onto him. Back in the ring, a Hardy senton gets 2. Both men go for a clothesline and take each other out. Edge gets up first and goes for a roll-up with assisstance from the ropes, but the ref catches him, allowing Jeff to get a roll-up of his own for 2. A Whisper in the Wind gets 2, as do some clotheslines and a legdrop. Edge comes back with a big boot, but Jeff bounces back by bouncing Edge's head off the ropes and hitting a legdrop for 2. Edge escapes a Twist of F ate attempt and hits the Edge-O-Matic for 2. Jeff reverses a spear attempt into a roll-up for 2, then hits a Twist of Fate. A swanton follows, but before Jeff can get the pin, Matt attacks and hits the Twist of Fate (Outta Nowhere!). Matt gets a mic and says he'll face Jeff in a match next week. Despite technically losing by DQ, Edge still gloats.
 
WINNER BY DQ: Jeff Hardy.
 
Now you're probably wondering "Wow Shane, this recap seems a bit short". Well, tough luck, because this was THE ENTIRE SHOW. No, seriously, this is everything that happened. It was way short. Maybe because there was minimal wrestling and more talking or something like that. Anyway, see you next week. And props to xJeffHardy508x for supplying the videos this week.
 
Shane Steele likes getting e-mail. Hint, hint. Seriously, he misses getting e-mails from you guys. There was this nifty little span where he got three in one week, but now he doesn't get any. It isn't his fault, people!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).