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SmackDown Rant Archive (February 2008)

February 01, 2008
February 08, 2008
February 15, 2008
February 22, 2008
February 29, 2008

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (02/01/08) 

The show starts off with GM Vickie Guerrero's slave Teddy Long in the ring by himself, without chains or an overseer or anything. Quick, make a break for it, Teddy! The river's just over a mile from here! But he doesn't. He says Vince made him GM, and we then get a video of Rey smashing Vickie's head in with his kendo stick-like feet at the Royal Rumble to explain why. He then announced that at No Way Out in like two weeks, there will be a new number one contender crowned - Whoever wins an Elimination Chamber match! Two fucking Chambers in one night? Now that's what I call entertainment! And certainly not desperation. Certainly not. Anyway, WWE's sorry buyrates aside, he then announced the guys who will be competing to lose to The Undertaker in the Chamber : Batista, The Great Khali, Finlay, MVP, and Big Daddy V. You read that last one right. *Whoever* wins will fight for the World Title at Wrestlemania. He then announced the obligatory World Title PPV match for No Way Out, which is a rematch between Edg e and Rey Mysterio. At this Edge runs down to the ring without music and grabbed a mic. He tried to recommend fighting Khali or V instead of Rey for the Title, since fighting dudes three times the size of a guy you just beat not a week ago is the safest route to take, obviously. But Teddy wasn't having that shit and strutted off. Was that supposed to be reverse psychology or, what the fuck? Nobody is scared of Rey. Fucking Dominic kicks Rey around when he's feeling angsty at home. Commercials!

I love watching Republican debates now just to see the interviewer guy ask Ron Paul patronizing questions and him answer them as the whole room erupts into laughter.

And now, in case you actually decided to pay for the Royal Rumble, here's a rematch to show you a bit of that money was wasted.

Ric Flair vs MVP, Flair's Career Match

No drama to this, as you know they're not gonna end Flair's fucking career on Smackdown!. Ric starting things off with a hip toss and some hobbling and snapping, but P is quick to roll him up for two. Flair busting out the well bucket for some chops, but he gets back body dropped and smacked in the face with MVP's running boot for the two count. Couple more pin attempts, nothing special, oh look! Figure Four! But MVP counters it and Flair makes it to the ropes, but MVP apparently doesn't realize this despit e the ref counting to five in his face, and he gets disqualified.

Winner and STILL active wrestler : Ric Flair

Afterwards, MVP wraps Flair's leg around the steel ringpost and lays into it, then goes outside and puts the steps up against his leg and hits a running boot into the steps. This whole thing was reminiscent of MVP's beatdown of Matt Hardy. Some nobodies in official looking shirts help Flair to the back and we get replays of Flair going "Aaah, aaaaHHH". Commercials.

If sperm is really alive, and counts as a person, I'm guilty of genocide. Allright...

Back to a rundown of Raw's Chamber Match, just in case there weren't enough people you don't give a shit about in the first one. Blah blah Flair is hurt, Chuck Palumbo time!

He's in the ring with a mic and says Jamie Noble got in his business and deserved the beatdown he got last week. AND SO DID THAT WOMAN. He brings this up, but disappoints all his ex-con fans by saying that was just an accident. The announcers state she got whiplash and a concussion from him hurling her ass down to the padded mat outside the ring. Palumbo said it was all Noble's fault anyway, yet he still was fined ten grand for hitting the ref. But all that's cool, he just wants to apologize to Michelle McC ool and wants to do it where all violent issues are settled with words, in the middle of a wrestling ring. She is slow coming out for some reason, probably falling down stairs or walking into doors on her way backstage, the clumsy bitch. She eventually does come out and Palumbo apologizes face to face, but she slaps his and he charges her and just as he's about to lay in he suddenly realizes there are not only thousands of witnesses but also cameras. He notices all this stuff finally this week because this time he's not nearly pissed off enough for his vision to fade entirely to a bright red rage yet. He then goes off on her about how everything is her fault. CUE SNITSKY INTERFERENCE! No? Oh. He then says he's going to make Jamie Noble pay for that slap and rides off on his badass bike to go ask his mom in the nursing home for some beer money. Commercials!

My chemistry teacher has a full "Night Hawk" KKK outfit on display in her classroom.

And now formerly a main event but now midcard rematch time!

Rey Mysterio & CM Punk vs ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero & World Heavyweight Champion Edge

On the way to the ring, Rey is wearing a Punk shirt and vice versa. This is gay. Chavo and Edge, however, come out to their usual heterosexual ring gear. I mean, what's not cool about a Mexican pancho thing and a cape? I don't know why Edge doesn't bring back his cape robe. It's been good cape weather recently.

Anyway, Punk and Chavo to start things off and it's the same match you've been, um, treated to all year on ECW. The action spills to the outside, as most action seems to do just before a commercial break, just before a commercial break.

this one girl i knew name shante (she comitted suicide btw) but neway one time i paid her 7 cents to strip in the ditch

Back and Edge has Punk on the Mat in a laying heimlich maneuver. Yep. Punk gets out and Chavo gets the tag, but Punk lands an enziguri on him to tag in Rey. Chavo with a tag to Edge and Rey is A HOUSE OF FIRE. He eventually lands a springboard moonsault on Edge. Not the BME, but somewhat close. Somewhat. Mysterio now for another springboard attack but Edge dropkicks him out of the ring. Tag to Chavo and he goes to work on Rey as soon as Rey got back in with his usual plethora of submission stuff. This time he's working over Rey's leg for a minute until Rey breaks away and tags in Punk. He comes in with his springboard clothesline which gets two on Chavo but Edge is in for the spear. Punk dodges by jumping though and Rey lands a headscissors on Edge to set him up for the 619, with Chavo already draped over the second rope as well. As Rey was about to connect with the 1238, Edge gets out and slides to the outside, but Chavo still receives the kick and stumbles back. Rey with a springboard crossbody to Edge on t he outside and Punk hits the Go To Sleep on Chavo Guerrero for the win.

Winner : CM Punk & Rey Mysterio

After the match, Punk is yelling angrily at Chavo, so I guess we can look forward to this feud going on for a bit longer. Big Daddy V & Mark Henry vs Brothers of Destruction later tonight. Fuck that. Commercials.

TekBow was for queers, real Turoks used the War Blade, always.

Back and Vince is still fucking with Finlay despite him obviously possessing knowledge that could potentially ruin Vince. He's bitching Finlay out about DQing himself in the Rumble just to save Hornswoggle and says there's no such thing as loyalty. Irish on Italian action next, and I'm not talking about 1920s European Bi-Racial porn. That'd be ridiculous. Unfortunately.

Finlay & Hornswoggle vs Deuce & Domino

Whelp, Finlay knocks the shit out of the greasers and Horny did his frog fall.

Winner : Finlay & Hornswoggle

Irish dancing celebration ensues! Allright. Commercials.

My favorite thing to do is go to the VA Hospital at night and pop packing bubbles.

The Diva Search Winner Eve is here, and she makes her big debut by...introducing Batista for a promo. She asks what he thinks about the Elimination Chamber, but first he wants to welcome everyone to the number one show in sports entertainment. THAT'S RIGHT HE SAID IT. Or so he said. Batista says yeah he lost the Rumble, but it was to Triple H and John Cena. That's like trying to beat Superman AND Mr. Fantastic in one night, when all you are is the Incredible Hulk. It simply can't be done. That's okay though , because he's going to walk out of No Way Out as the winner and walk into Wrestlemania to reclaim his title, HYEEAHGRUNT! Commercials.


Back to Festus's wide eyes and flared nostril face. He says Festus has been cured of his anger problem and they'll be back next week BETTA THAN EVA. Despite the fact that Festus's anger problem was the only thing that ever won them matches. Ah, well. Myme Tyme with the Edge clones now.

Curt Hawkins & Zack Ryder vs Shannon Moore & Jimmy Yang

Yang starting things off with an Edgehead, he reverses a snapmare by landing on his feet and answered with some kicks before tagging to Moore. Boring Edgehead action, boring Edgehead action. These guys are more like Deuce and Domino now. They used to remind me of MNM. That's a pretty far fucking fall. Yang back in, boring Edgehead action, boring Edgehead act- oh, wait! One Edgehead is up top with a, oh, nevermind, it was an extremely botched crossbody thing. He landed on his feet and sort of bumped into Yan g. Boring Edgehead action, boring Edgehead action, the same motherfucker is back up top. Guess he's gonna try again. Yep, he comes off the top and THIS time, Yang catches him with an atomic drop. Fuck improv, just repeat! Tag to Shannon Moore who goes up top but misses a corkscrew moonsault, which is about the most unnecessary move ever. Some Edgehead wins with I guess his finisher which is an inverted DDT, except he picks the whole person up and slams them.

Winner : The Edgeheads


Attention cd listeners, we've come to the point in this album where those listening along on record or cassette will have to stand up, or sit down, and turn over the record or cassette.

We get the entrances for Kane, Taker, Henry, and V, and then some more commercials. Christ.
In fairness to those listeners, we'll now pause for a few seconds before we begin side two. Thank you, here's side two.

Kane & Undertaker vs Mark Henry & Big Daddy V w/ Matt Striker

We come back to see the match has already started. Kane and Henry are plodding along now. Kane off the ropes and he sort of jumps and falls into Henry, who stumbles backwards and falls on his ass and they lay sprawled out. I don't know what the fuck that was even supposed to be. Taker gets the tag from here and we're reminded just how amazing his punches are. By the announcers, I mean, not our own eyes, since you know, all punches look the same. Taker then lands a running boot on Henry and tags in Kane, but Henry regains control here. Whip to the corner and Henry lands a splash. Tag to V and since he's fat and Kane's not the best pure striker in the WWE, V is impermeable to Kane's blows. Tag to Taker who attempts to make a wrestling match with Big Daddy V interesting. He fails miserably, so he tags Kane back in and V tags in Henry. Kane lands his flying clothesline off the top, and both men carefully fall to the ground. Jesus this sucks. Striker with the distraction gives Henry the brief advantage on Kane, wh o sends Kane out. Here V and Henry each take a turn in slamming Kane's head into the announcer's table before sending him back in. Whip to the corner and V hits a waddling splash on him before Henry locks in his Gorillahug. This somehow doesn't get the win, maybe because it isn't 1985, and so Henry releases him. Kane is quick to recover though and fights Henry off before coming off the second turnbuckle with a flying clothesline. Tag to Taker now who connects with the Old School on Henry, followed by a big DDT. Pin is broken by V, so Kane comes in and the Brothers land a double chokeslam on him. Henry gets a chokeslam of his own and Taker locks in his new finisher where he grabs their arm while they're standing and brings their neck down to choke them with his shin while the other leg is wrapped around the back of their head. Henry tapped immediately and spewed out blood.

Winner : Brothers of Destruction

Replays are abound and we get to see some good ole fashioned Brotherly posturing to close out. END SHOW.

Thumbs up : Rey/Punk vs Chavo/Edge was good, and two Elimination Chambers is certainly intriguing if nothing else. Not really a great night, not a whole lot got done. It was just a bunch of thinly-veiled repeat matches and stuff we've all seen before, nothing special.

Thumbs down : Almost the entire mediocre show. Lot of botchy fuckups tonight. Even Rey and Edge were unsteady out there. Well Rey always is, but still. Give it to Mark Henry, just because.

Remember the A-Okay hand sign? : Remember when being a good wrestler actually meant something? Like you know, Bret Hart and Steve Austin and HBK and Y2J and Undertaker and Triple H and Kurt Angle were all top guys and always had good matches with eachother. Now it's like, okay here's Undertaker and a bunch of fat guys or here's Randy Orton and John Cena. I'm not saying a guy can't get over if he doesn't have keen technical prowess, you know, but it's nice when a bunch of guys on top, in the main events can actually put on great matches. Now it's like Batista vs Khali headlining PPV's. I don't care if it was five months ago, that shit was still ridiculous.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (02/08/08) 

 Hey all you resling joke readers, welcome to another Smackdown Lowdown Rant of Recapitation. Is it bad that after about five months I still don't know what the fuck this article is even called? Probably. Anyway, changes to the article will ensue starting with this one. Because I like to watch resling relaxed on my couch away from the computer, to do this article I have to scribble down each move a guy does onto sheets and sheets of notebook paper. Yes, seriously. It's ridiculous. And then later I have to try and read my writing and figure out what the fuck I'm trying to say happened and, since you probably don't really give a shit anyway, no more blow by blow recapping. Like I'll mention highlights and what have you, but not every armbar and reversal. So basically this is going to read more like, you know, every other recap article on the internet now. Except better, because it also features my, um, creativity! Hey, come back!

Right. Anyway. Batista is out to start things off with an interview. And he's appropriately dressed for it too, in his three-inch tights and no shirt. No wonder I didn't land that internship. Should've went in my underwear. He is with Michael Cole, and the only thing good that can come of this is I don't have to listen to Cole and Coach's dual commentary of vague generalizations and rewording what the other just said to take up time. So Batista reminds us he has the edge in this Elimination Chamber because he's been in one before and no one else has. Just in case you forgot just how low-profile the rest of the guys in this match are. He says he'll win, so MVP comes out and says Batista has never been in an Elimination Chamber with him before. No shit, that's kind of what he just said. Big Daddy V and his manager Matthius Strikerton come down as I remember the good old days of King Booker and, more specifically, more credible guys on Smackdown. Ha, just kidding, there were never more than three. Striker says V will crush, cream, and demolish everyone because he's very fat. This of course brings out The Great Khali and his manager Ranjin Singh, who claims Khali will do the same to everyone because he is really tall. Finlay with Hornswoggle are out now, and Finlay came to fight! But the lights suddenly go out and when they came back, The Undertaker was standing in the ring. All the heels haul ass out of the ring, so Taker, Batista, and Finlay are all left staring at eachother. I guess Finlay meant he came to fight later on. Commercials.

They really should do an Elimination Chamber underwater. I think Finlay, MVP, and Taker is a fair price to pay for the permanent riddance of Khali, V, and Batista.

Back to the announcement of the Main Event, a six man tag featuring, well figure it the fuck out. This is just like Raw, with even shittier guys. On average, I mean. There's no one worse than Snitsky. Hey, Shelton Benjamin is on for once! He'll be getting tore up by Kane.

Shelton Benjamin vs Kane

Shelton Benjamin is now the "Gold Standard". I guess because of his new blond hair, because he really hasn't done shit since proclaiming himself this, unless you count beating jobbers on ECW an achievement. But really, if you're counting anything you did on ECW as an achievement, I think that says enough about your list of achievements to know you don't have shit to brag about.

Anyway, Kane starts off strong and executes his running dropkick on Benjamin sitting up on the ground. Shelton recovers and gets a crossbody from the top rope, but Kane isn't really fazed by it. (Silver) standard Kane offense here with uppercuts and a big boot, and while he was coming over to Shelton, he got, um, drop toe held?, into the middle turnbuckle. Shelton off the top now with a BLOCKBUSTA. I always liked that move. This gets one, and a follow up DDT gets two, so he goes up to the second rope and ca me off with what looked to be a double axe handle I guess since he wasn't really doing anything but jumping at him, but Kane popped him in the throat. Flying clothesline from Kane connects but Shelton rolls out after being hit by "the force of a jumbo jet!" Fuck Cole. Kane follows him out though and they brawl for a minute and both climb up on the apron, still fighting. OH EM GEE, I WONDER HOW THIS WILL END. Well, Kane knocks Benjamin into the ring just as the ref counted to ten. That's how.

Winner : Shelton Benjamin

They announce Vickie will be the guest on the Cutting Edge tonight. And in case you forgot about this old little interview show, the host is Edge, and not Matt Hardy hacking away at his wrists with a razorblade as his friends all gather around telling him to "just forget about her, man". Commercials!

I wonder if Encyclopedia Dramatica's Rule 34 applies to wrestling. I hope not. If it does, I will be forced to suppress all wrestling related thoughts forever out of sheer traumatic shock.

Back for my single favorite feud on this or any show, Chuck Palumbo-Jamie Noble featuring Michelle McCool : Smack My Bitch Up. Seriously, this is a good feud, it should at least make for a PPV match. I have my doubts it will, considering the lower card status of the people involved, so I hope they bring back those cheaper In Your House PPVs just to see this headlining In Your House : Domestic Violence 3. It'll blow away those first two IYH : DV's, because Austin had grown kind of stale by the time he took o n Debra, and Benoit-Benoits just killed all of Nancy's credibility. And everything else. Oh, God...

Chuck Palumbo vs Jamie Noble w/Michelle McCool

McCool was afraid to come out with Noble at first, so he had to keep waving at her to encourage her to gingerly step out and follow him to the ring. Man, what a wimp Noble is, letting her make him look like an asshole like that. If he were Chuck, he would've roared incoherently and shook his fist at her until she came running down yelling how sorry she is she made him wait, and then be thankful to receive no more than a drunken, off-target punch to the side of her chin. Damn straight. The face and heel in t his match needs to be reversed. 
Anyway, it starts off looking even enough, until Palumbo leveled Noble with a big boot. He then starts just fucking Noble up with big punches to the head, adding to the realism of the animosity between the two while simultaneously remaining in character as a big dumb angry mongoloid. Palumbo then ruins all this by coming off the second rope with a missed something. Noble recuperating in the corner leads to a charge by Chuck which also misses, sending his shoulder into the steel ring post. Noble off the ropes with a crossbody that sends Palumbo over and out of the ring. Noble goes up top for a big aerial attack, but Palumbo runs up to greet him with a shove that sends Noble careening off and he slams into Chuck's bike. YOU CAN'T RIDE WIT DA HELL'S ANGELS, JAMIE! Chuck punishes Noble for scratching his bike up with his skin by delivering his FULL THROTTLE finisher in the ring for the pin and the win.

Winner : Chuck Palumbo

Like any violent biker, as wives and kids all over, well, Utah and Nevade know, Chuck doesn't know when to stop, so he keeps beating the shit out of Noble after the match. He sends him outside and into the ring post and then slammed him onto the padded floor outside the ring. THE INHUMANITY. Michelle is crying as Palumbo drags Noble and lays his prone body across the ramp, then goes back and revs up his back. Man this guy is awesome. But just as he was about to run over Noble, he instead realizes this would be his third violent offense, and second attempted homicide, and decides that Noble's not worth him spending his life in jail when he could just anonymously stab him in a dark alley with no witnesses later, so he instead rides off to his favorite bar to slap the womens and maybe if he's feeling up to it get his gang of grizzled biker guys with no prospects and nothing to lose to bloody up a waiter or two, just because. Steve Regal's got nothing on this guy. Commercials!

Mark Henry sweats gravy.

Back and fuck damnit, it's the return of Jesse and Festus. Jesse explains that Festus, who is wearing a bag over his head, paper not plastic unfortunately, has received medical treatment for his anger issues. You know, the only thing that ever got them a win, ever. Yeah. He unveils the bag to show the new Festus...and it's the same docile retard face we've all grown to change the channel at the sight of. Their opponents are Deuce and Domino, because being pinned by a midget last week just wasn't burial enou gh.

Jesse & Festus vs Deuce & Domino

At the ring of the bell, Festus transforms same as always, but the announcers insist that he looks "even madder than before!" The fuck he does, it's the same goddamn shit. He sends one of the greasers out of the ring, but Jesse wants to start this off for some reason. So he takes on Deuce with nondescript offense for a bit until Domino broke up a pin attempt. Tag to Domino and he locks in his signature chin lock. Seriously, people bitch about Orton, but this guy is ridiculous. Jesse gets out and tags in Fes tus, who goes nuts as usual. He rips off Domino's shirt in the process of going insane and knocks Deuce out of the ring. He then splashes Domino a couple of times as Cherry tries to distract. Doesn't she know what happened to the little girl in Frankenstein? She lucks out as here are no ponds around for her dead body to get thrown into, so Festus just hits his weak F-5 finisher on Domino for the three.

Winner : Jesse & Festus

Vickie up next, but now commercials.

They ditch Raven, yet keep two different forms of Dustin Runnels. Fuck TNA.

We're back with World Heavyweight Champion Edge on the set of the Cutting Himself. He plays the video of Vickie getting kicked in the head by Rey's 619 at the Rumble and says that shows the power of love. Allright. He wants us all to give Vickie the respek she deserves, and so introduces "his soul mate" Vickie. She's wheeled down in her chair by her slave Thaddeus of Long, but Edge sends him back since this moment is too special to be shared in the presence of such...tainted company. "Oh yessuh massuh, I so rry, please excuse my ign't negro brain, it don't know no better!" he says, wide eyed and amazed and constantly nodding, just like any generic slave role from a movie would do. He then respectfully scampers off to go rebel against his white masters by writing an inspirational Christian gospel song about the religion that they forced him to accept. So with Teddy busy, Edge then says he has a big question to ask Vickie, which he will ask on next week's Valentine special. Fuck it if it's another wedding, I won 't even recap it. I'll just copy and paste the wikipedia article on Beetleborgs and submit that, at least some people actually care about Beetleborgs, probably. But that's for next week, now it's time, Edge declares, that Rey apologize to Vickie. Rey Mysterio, the number one contender to Edge's World Title, appears and enters the ring, and starts to speak, so Vickie slaps him. "You speak when you're spoken to, monkey!" She must think Rey to be another of her slaves from the plantation with his dark arms and mask. An honest mistake, really. Rey tries to correct this, but she slaps him again. She said he disgusts her and went for a third slap, but he blocked this one so Edge immediately went into angry boyfriend mode. "Back off bro, that's my girl!" Rey fights back, but gets put down with a big boot. Edge then went out for some chairs and came back in to look for the Conchairto, but Rey gets the upper Edge and fights back before connecting with a 619. He then grabbed a mic and apologized to Vickie. Commercials.

My grandma dips potato chips into a can of tuna, it's fucking disgusting. I let her know it, too. I hope I made an impression, I know my fingers on her throat certainly left one.

Back to a recap of the Cutting Edge, for those wrestling fans with Alzheimer's. No Way Out rundown now, and man this show looks like shit. John Cena and Randy Orton headlining, Edge vs Rey rematch, Kennedy losing to Flair, and two Elimination Chambers with maybe six guys you care about in both chambers combined. They then hype the six man tag match for later and we're carted off to another round of commercials.

Olmec says : You must cross the rope bridge over the pit of steam and enter the haunted house to find the amulet. But be wary of Teeeeemple Guards!

Edge is walking around aimlessly backstage when he bumps into Diva Search winner Eve Torres. She asks if next week he's going to ask Vickie to marry him. He gets pissed because that question is private and she'd find out next week, same as anyone. That's not a no. Shit.

Edgehead time!

Curt Hawkins & Zack Ryder vs Shannon Moore & Jimmy Wang Yang

Same match as last week with slightly less fuckups by the 'Heads.

Winner : Hawkins & Ryder

The six men in the tag match all enter, and then we're off to another commercial break.

Owen 3:16 says I just broke my own neck!


The Great Khali, Big Daddy V, & MVP w/a couple managers vs Finlay, Batista, & Undertaker w/Hornswoggle hiding under the ring, probably

We're back to see it has already started, despite this show being pretaped and thus absolutely possible to be able to view the match in it's entirety. But it's Finlay and Khali going at it now, and I remember the severe amount of suck that Khali exudes, and am not only understanding but also very thankful for the editing that spared me the sight of watching him attempt to wrestle any longer than I have to. MVP gets the tag and Finlay clotheslines him down and tags out to Batista. P tags to V and they go at it, kind of. Standard Batista vs fat guy, and then Taker gets the tag and it turns into Taker vs fat guy. Old school on V connects, and then P is in to get schooled as well. Khali gets the tag as we're off to the final set of commercials. They don't even try to hide the fact that Khali's not allowed to be seen wrestling on tv. That shit is just embarrassing.

I don't care how old it is. Marty Jannetty's myspace for his cats is still the most hilariously pathetic thing I'll ever see. "MUSTAFA IS DA NUMBUH 1 PIMP IN DER WHOLE EARF N EVEN HE NOS I DESERV A RAYZ AT WENDY'S! =^.^="

Back and it's Taker vs MVP. Taker tags out to Batista and Batista to Finlay as they all take turns with the United States Champion. P tags out to V eventually though and then it's Finlay's turn to get beat up for a while. He gets knocked out of the ring so Taker goes to grab a chair for some reason, then doesn't do shit with it. After Finlay gets hit with every cheap shot and heel move in the book, the face team charges in and the heels follow suit to greet them. Is a bah gawd brawl as Finlay gets a shilayl ay shot in for the ref to finally say fuck this one.
Winner : No contest

Each heel gets thrown out until it's Finlay, Batista, and Taker, who look ready to fight eachother but hold back. This did a good job of reassuring none of the heels are going to win the Chamber while leaving it up in the air who will win between Taker and Teest. Although, neither of these questions really needed reinforcement, but still. END SHOW.

JBL and Anyone : Noble and Palumbo is still my favorite and the most fun feud going on the show. Bitter jealousy, angry brawling, a hot girl, and even some domestic violence all mixed together in the most perfect combination. I mean, any mixture at all with these ingredients would be good, but this is especially watchable.

Coach and Cole : Smackdown's tag division. Jesus Christ I don't give a fuck.

Seriously, remember JBL? : What ever happened to MVP-Matt Hardy? After No Way Out, they're going to have maybe five weeks to build to their tentative Wrestlemania match. Granted, No Way Out has, what, three weeks worth of build to it? But still. I guess having five odd months of build from 2007 is strong enough, I just hope they really bring back the excitement that was in the first installment of this feud, with MVP's vicious anger and everyone dying to see Hardy win. And, more importantly, I need more wat chable stuff on this show to keep me from flicking to crappy network tv game shows. I don't ever want to become a Deal Or No Deal kind of person.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (02/15/08) 

Hey, so yeah, in case you haven't heard, tonight's main attraction is Edge asking Vickie a "big question" and, well, as a fairly new wrestling recapper I am very excited over my first RESLING WEDDING! For you see, this means less work for me, because when I recap it, I can simply copy and paste any other person's recap of any other wrestling wedding, replace the names of whose music hit just as they were about to exchange I Do's, and call it a day. Covers about an hour of recapping, and it doesn't even matter if it's not accurate since nobody gives a shit anyway! But, that's for later. Right now is time some serious Smackdown, um, "action".

Hey, it's Batista! And MVP! Woah, it actually is time for some action! That's cool, I actually feel better when I don't have to lie. Ha, just kidding, I couldn't care less.

Batista vs United States Champion MVP, nontitle

They start off slow, intimidating, reminiscent of their match a few weeks ago, except this one's even more of a big deal since they'll be facing eachother again this Sunday in an Elimination Chamber, so even a cop out DQ finish won't ruin this one. MVP starts off with a headlock but Batista breaks that and lands a shoulder block. P takes a breather outside, then comes back in to get slammed to the mat. P hauling ass again, because only the Undertaker is allowed to look credible against Batista. P reenters a nd tries for some punches, but see, Batista's really muscular, so he doesn't get hurt. He tears into MVP with his own punches and takes him to a corner and lands some more BIG RIGHTS. Out of the corner now and Batista connects with a big boot for a long two. Suplex gets another two and so he props him up in the corner again looking for a charge. MVP trips up the big oaf, however, and goes for his running boot, but Batista pulls a P and leaves the ring. "Smartly" and not "cowardly" this time, according to Co le. Batista comes back in and goes for some submission shit on P's legs. He lands an elbow drop in the middle of the hold, then eventually releases him from it. He charges P off the ropes but P leapfrogs Batista, but he takes P down anyway with a quick chop block to the thigh and followed up with a shin breaker. Figure Four Leglock by Batista, but it's not a repeat of Royal Rumble since tonight MVP made it to the ropes. Batista looks pissed off at not being able to justify himself as actually possessing rea l wrestling ability with a submission victory. Don't worry, Teest, Kurt Cobain never played more than three chords, yet he's considered a great guitar player by some twelve year old, somewhere, probably. Commercials.


Back and Batista is still dominating MVP, but a charge in the corner fails as MVP blocked him and sent him into the steel ring post. Smooth DDT gets two for the MV of Ps, so he starts on his frustrated heel spiel. Angry stomping, going out and slamming Batista's arm into the ring post, coming back into the ring all aggressively, that whole bit. He then connects with his big running boot, but this only gets two. Back to working over the arm, followed by a toss to the outside. Out here MVP slams Batista into the steel steps before rolling him back in and covering for another two. Working over the arm again before MVP forces Batista to the corner once again and starts his frustrated heel routine all over. Batista however counters it this time and regains control. He apparently also wants to be considered a great high-flyer in addition to technical master and so comes off the top turnbuckle with a clumsy ass flying shoulder block. SHADES OF CHUCK PALUMBO! MVP tries to mount his comeback with a running boot, but B atista spinebusters the shit out of that. Batista Bomb time but MVP counters it into a shoulder breaker followed by a roll up for two. He throws Teest roughly back into the corner and looks for his running boot again but gets a spear instead. Batista then ends it looking pretty pissed off with a Batista Bomb.

Winner : Batista

After Batista is announced the winner, MVP demands it is also announced that he is still the United
States Champion. No shit, you've defended it maybe twice in, what's it been, nine months now? You're practically Gillberg as LHW Champ at this point.

Edgeheads are needing some advice from their mentor because they've got a BIG MATCH TONIGHT! Ha, just kidding, they never have big matches. But Edge doesn't have time for crony bullshit because he has to think. Vickie's practically marrying a single father of two here. But it's really the best her horse face permits her to get, so we must be understanding. Commercials!

I know a German exchange student named Marcus, or if you want to believe him, "Mahkoos". His langauge is silly because it's different!

Back to a cram a whole bunch of shit inside of five minutes and pretend it actually counts as writing television, match.

Jimmy Yang, Shannon Moore, Jesse, & Festus vs Zack Ryder, Curt Hawkins, Deuce, & Domino, Eight Man Tag

At the sound of the bell Festus goes to work taking out Ryder. He then blunders like only a true retard can by tagging in Jesse. Second rope leg drop gets two, so Jesse makes an even bigger blunder and tags in Shannon Moore. The Edgeheads quickly begin the double team on Moore culminating in a suplex for two, so Deuce is tagged in. He delivers his PATENTED falling knees and chinlock, patented because they're the only fucking moves he shows signs of knowing, and so, having exhuasted his entire repertoire, gives up mid-match and tags in Domino, allowing Moore to make the tag to Yang. He comes in with a flying cross body on Domino and a dropkick to Deuce. Spinning wheel kick gets two on Domino, and so everyone immediately feels the urge to simultaneously come in and attack eachother. Jesse and Shannon Moore both come off the ropes at the same time to take down the Heads, so it's all clear for Yang to land the Yang Time Moonsault on Domino for the win.

Winner : Jimmy Wang Yang, Shannon Moore, Jesse, & Festus

Afterwards, the Edgeheads team with the Greasers to kick the shit out of the faces, except Festus, who has gone back to docile retard since the bell rang. Jesse, however, makes the save by ringing the bell, giving Festus back his retard strength and allowing him to run the heels off.

In the back, we get a shot of Vickie putting on makeup in front of her slave Theodore Long, who apparently has been given the night off from the plantation due to the special occassion of a marriage proposal. It's cool, though, he'll make up for it tomorrow by working a 42-hour shift. Commercials.

They should make Jesse more of a plotting, evil hypnotist, with like a monocle and everything!

Back to clips of Chuck Palumbo destroying Jamie Noble, stopping short of running over him on his motorcycle. The pussy. He's out now circling the ring on his bike, because Michelle McCool is taking on Victoria, and damnit if that dumb bitch didn't leave the ice cube trays empty AGAIN.

Michelle McCool vs Victoria w/Chuck Palumbo as the special enforcer

Victoria starts off choking Michelle down in the corner and goes up, but McCool is there to greet her with...um, a botched botched superplex? They both clumsily tumble out to the floor, until Victoria covers and rolls McCool back in for two. Michelle gaining momentum, as much as there is to be gained in this match, with a clothesline followed by a dropkick, both not looking very bad. Weak big boot follows, however, which only enrages Victoria, who quickly rocks Michelle's shit with a Widow's Peak for the win.

Winner : Victoria

After the match, Chuck gets in the ring with a mic and starts eyeing her prone body. I DIDN'T HEAR A NO, DID YOU?! Instead, he stands on her arm and says he delivered on his promise of making her watch him beat down Noble last week. He then stands on her hair and tells her she better get used to this. No more of this 911 business, they don't have time for your bullshit. Truer words were never spoken. Mostly because I just made that last part up, but still. Commercials.

If it weren't for date rape, I'd never get laid.

Back to Big Daddy V vs the goddamn Undertaker. Again. Wonder how this one's gonna go!

Big Daddy V w/ Matt Striker vs Undertaker

Winner : Undertaker

Oh, that's how. And for the post match managerial beatdown?

Winner : Undertaker
Well how about that.


I don't give a shit, Taz's tights did not need to be that short.

EC-Dub time.

ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero & Shelton Benjamin vs CM Punk & Kane

Kane and Chavo start off, and Kane responds to punches with a big slam. He then tags in Punk, who goes to work on Chavo in the corner. He lands a slam of his own and comes off the ropes with a legdrop and cover for two. Chavo up with a low dropkick to Punk's knee and then tags out to the Gold Standard Shelton Benjamin. It's an ironic nickname because the most gold Shelton's held in the past couple of years has been the fake chains he got from that pawn shop he knocked over to prove himself to his gang. BECAUSE BLACK = DISHONEST & POOR. Anyway... Punk dropkicks Shelty and slams him into the corner and looks for a charge, but Benji comes off the corner with a very hard looking STO. Benjamin then lands a big toss on Punk and follows up by dropping some knees, then landing another slam. Chavo tagged back in and assists him with a splash onto Punk. This gets two, and Benjamin chokes Punk in the corner while Chavo had the ref distracted. Tag to the GS (Not like from Pokemon...Jesus Christ...) who looks for a po werbomb in the corner, but Punk escapes and lands a stiff kick. Kane gets the hot tag, made even hotter by his pyrokinesis, of course. OF COURSE. Chavo tags in as well and Kane doesn't give a shit. He delivers two backdrops to Chavo off the ropes and lands a clothesline in the corner. Side slam fulfills half of his four moves of doom, and the flying clothesline continues it. Benjamin in with the save off the two count, so Kane completes his shit with a goozle on Shelton. However, apparently he feels like fu cking up today, and then goes for one on Chavo as well. This of course gets him beat down and it takes a blind tag from Punk to save his dumb ass.Punk enters the ring with a springboard clothesline on Benjamin, followed by a very nice GTS on Chavo for the win.

Winner : Kane & CM Punk


If Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan really started their own wrestling promotion, it'd be a lot like the WWE, only worse, because Vince defeated Bischoff as promoters once, and Triple H is at least mobile.

Back to video packages of Cena and Finlay-Vince. Just in case you thought ordering any PPVs in the near future would be a good idea. And as if to reaffirm this, it's a Khali match! He'll be battling...Finlay. AGAIN. You know what?

The Great Khali w/ Rajin Singh vs Finlay w/ Hornswoggle

Winner : Finlay

PS - He used the shilaylay!

Teddy Long is pushing his soon to be Mrs. Massuh to the ring for Edge's "big question. Commercials.

For all you know, none of this shit even happened. Unless you watched Smackdown and are reading this for my hi-LARIOUS insight, in which case... go watch tv or something. I've got people to lie to here.

The ring is full of all sorts of Valentine's Day shit, complete with a band and everything. Don't worry, it's not Alter Bridge, just a little violinish group. He says he is nervous, but tonight, AND PERHAPS THE REST OF HIS LIFE, the R in Rated R stands for Really, really in love. Rated really, really in love? Okay, just as long as the R still applies as well, and just as long as Lita does all celebrating of such a rating with Edge in place of Vickie. I'm saying I want to see Lita's boob again. Allright... A nyway, he's found his soul mate, and has a very important question for her, so if her slave would be so kind as to, ah, there he is! Teddy pushes out Vickie in her wheelchair, which is all Valentinesed up. Edge then dismisses Teddy, because this moment is too private to share with him. The cameras and crowd, however, can remain. Okay, fine, if you really want to push the issue, it IS because you're black, Teddy. There, happy? Jesus. Anyway.
First Edge wants to sing to her a song by his fellow Canadian Brian Adams. I don't know who the fuck that is, but damnit if Edge didn't do an outstanding job at pissing off the crowd with his shitty cover. Now that this Canadian anthem has clearly wooed the proud Canadian heart of Vicky GUERRERO, it is time for the serious bidness. He gets down on one knee and asks Vickie to make him the luckiest man in the world by making her his wife. She says yes and they kiss and it's a feel good moment to warm even the markest of marks, and truly this day, nay, this very moment will go down as one of the sweetestBOOYAKA BOOYAKA 619! blares through the arena.
Rey Mysterio is out to congratulate them both personally by telling them that was the most disgusting, loco thing he's ever seen in his life. He then says he hopes Vickie will drop Guerrero from her name because she's disgracing it. Well, I'm sure she would have, but now she's not going to just out of spite, Rey, you dumb motherfucker. That dastardly villain Edge gets pissed off and demands Rey apologize to his fiance for mocking her deceased husband, and if he doesn't then Rey will be the one in that wheelchair. Well, Rey gets in the ring and answers with some Spanish shit that I don't understand because my Spanish teacher gave 100s for test grades ever Friday (Fiesta Fridays) for bringing in a bag of chips because she was 400 pounds and didn't give a shit anymore. There's a reason for everything. Anyway, after his craaazy foreign langauge talk, Rey then says he is through apologizing, and says we'll see how much love there is when he wins the title. Is he suggesting Vickie married Edge...for his World Heavyweight Championship? That makes sense, I guess. After all, Triple H married Stephanie because of the WWE Championship, and that's kind of the same thing. Anyway, they then get into a fight and Rey lands the 619 for like the third time in as many weeks. Edge dodges the West Coast Pop attempt, however, and Rey's crotch meets Vickie's face instead. Edge rushes over and tends to her. RUNNIN' AWAY FROM A FIGHT LIEK A SCALDED DAWG, THE BAH GAWD COWARD! Rey backs away up the ramp with his face saying "I don't give a SHIT." END SHOW.

FLAWLESS VICTORY : Gotta give it to Batista-MVP, because while the rest was also shit we've seen before, we've seen this less. Wasn't half bad this time around, either. A program between these two would do, well, about as good as a program with Batista can do. But still.

FINISH HIM : Fuck V, fuck the shitty go-nowhere tag teams, and fuck Khali. Vickie, too. I don't give a shit about Smackdown.

Remember Castlevania? : Remember when you used to play General Manager Mode on your old ass SDvsRaw and win like every time? Well, that part was boring, but if you played it the fun way, you pictured how all the stuff would go down in your head. The interviews, the reasons the guys were fighting, the finishes to the matches. And it was all creative and at least halfway entertaining to you, and all you are is just some damn loser playing a video game for a couple hours. Sometimes I wonder how the shit I make up in my head while lazily slumped over my bed constantly wiping my hands clean of the ever-present cheeto grease on the controller is so much better than the shit I'm forced to sit at home and recap, ON A FRIDAY NIGHT NO LESS. Not that I do it on time, and usually wait it's convenient for me after everything good on tv has ended, but, still. Get your shit together, writers. Do what you're paid to do, and not whatever the fuck it is you're doing now. Batista-Khali for the Title was bullshit no matter how you look at it. I know it was six months ago, but goddamnit anyway.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (02/22/08) 

The show starts off with Edge and his Heads in the ring, and Edge has a mic. He talks about how he injured Rey Mysterio before ultimately putting him out of action last Sunday at No Way Out, but that's cool, because now at Wrestlemania he gets to face the Undertaker! Because after, um, "enduring" the onslaught of practically a small hyperactive child who jumps a lot, facing a giant undefeated zombie is gravy. Edge then says what none of Taker's opponents have ever said before ever - that he's not afrai d of the Undertaker! What?! Oh man, maybe Edge has a shot! Taker's game is 50% psychological, you know!!! Edge then says defeating Taker at Mania will cement his own legacy, and he can do this because he's undefeated at Mania as well. I guess not winning doesn't count as losing so long as you don't get pinned. He says he will not fall like all the others have before him, and so the lights go out. When they come back on, Taker is in the ring blah blah Edgeheads get tore up and Edge runs away. Commercials!

Bitches don't know bout my Level 15 Paladin.

We're back in time for a qualifying match to see who gets to lose to Jeff Hardy at this year's Money in the Bank.

Shelton Benjamin vs Jimmy Wang Yang

Gold standard vs Yellow standard? Absolutely. "IF" Shelton wins this, will this be his third or fourth MITB match? Jesus, man. I guess the law of averages is on his side, but still. Anyway, they exchange quick pin attempts before Benjamin powerbombs Yang into the turnbuckle for a nearfall. More quick pin attempts and reversals, but Benjamin is the only one really executing any offense here. Suplex on Yang gets two, and Shelty starts laying into him so Yang decides now would be a good time to actually do som e shit. He gets some knees to Shelton's head, but Benjamin remains in control and puts him up on the turnbuckle. You know, the position Yang is trying to get into the entire match because his finisher is a fucking moonsault? Benjamin goes for a superplex, o but wuz dis?! Yang knocks him off! However, Benjamin quickly Spiderman's that ho and leaps up to the top rope and drills Yang with a huge superplex. Yang rolls out of the ring, but Benjamin is out to roll him back in and pick up a two. Chin lock now, but Yang gets up, so Benjamin goes for another powerbomb. Yang reverses into a hurricarana and got a two off it. Heel kick gets another two. Headscissors, wheel kick, and top rope crossbody pin don't finish off Benji, so he tries for a sunset flip of course! This doesn't get the job done either somehow, so Yang looks to finish this with the moonsault. This misses big, and Benjamin ends it with his hard running STO that's probably called the 14 Carat or some bull.

Winner : Shelton Benjamin

Jesus, that was awesome. Seriously. Seriously. I almost never have fun watching Smackdown. This made Benjamin look both strong and agile with his crazy Spiderman leap to ascend the ropes, reminding us of all that crazy shit he used to do back when, you know, Shelton Benjamin was actually put in good matches. Don't get me wrong, motherfucker doesn't have a shot at winning the briefcase, but you know. Still works out for him.

In the back now, Teddy Long is talking to Maryse. Ebonics vs comically broken English, and I wonder if either understands the other. She wants to talk to Long in private, so they go into his office and shut the door. She does know that Long is no more than a slave to GM Vickie Guerrero, right? Oh, playa, don't let massuh Vickie catch you wit dat white woman now! Commercials.

I used to be a Mathlete.

Deuce and Domino have a longer losing streak going on than Val Venis ever did. At least he got to beat guys on Heat sometimes.

Deuce & Domino w/ Cherry vs Jesse & Festus w/ HYPNO POWERS

Festus mauls Deuce at the bell before tagging in Jesse. Festus throws Jesse onto Deuce for two, and Jesse quickly ends his team's momentum with his gauntlet of weak offense. Deuce just hums Jesse out of the ring, but Jesse is in quickly for another dropkick to send Deuce out for a breather. Jesse follows, so Deuce just shoves his girlfriend into him. Unfortunately, we weren't privy to Domino shouting "BUT DAT'S MAH BABY SISTUH!" Guess he was keeping his eye on Festus. Anyway, after Jesse got hit with Cherry , Deuce landed a stiff heel kick to Jesse's face. Back in and Deuce puts on the only move he knows other than kick, the headlock. This goes nowhere because it's 2008 and headlocks don't even have aftereffects anymore, so he tags in Domino to let him wear out his move set. He cracks Jesse in the mouth and gets a two off it, and Jesse's nose is busted open. Domino then goes for a headlock. Fucking called it! Domino doesn't know what to do now, so he just charges Festus and gets headbutted. He then falls and c ollides heads with Jesse, which hurt Domino more because Jesse was able to make the tag. Deuce comes in illegally and Festus mows both the greasers down. Boots drop both men, and Jesse gets tagged back in and goes up top. Festus then just hurls Jesse at Domino, and Jesse gets the pin.

Winner : Jesse & Festus

I love the gimmick. I hate Deuce and Domino. I like the gimmick. I hate Jesse and Festus. Commercials.

Sidwalk chalk murals and fences. What do they have in common? Old people like to spray them with hoses for long periods of time, that's what you fucking loser.

Back to...oh, what the fuck. No.

Big Daddy V vs Shannon Moore.

Big ole fat elbow drop.

Winner : Big Daddy V


You can be happy.

Back, and in case you wanted a recap of a match you've seen more than a few times before, I've got it for you here with Batista vs MVP! Though if you wanted that, I could've just covered that last V squash, except I refuse to cover any Big Daddy V matches until I find one interesting enough to not regret not flipping over to Comedy Central after it's over.

Apparently these guys are somewhat feuding, and apparently it all started because MVP tried to retire Flair and Batista didn't like that since he used to be in Evolution with Flair like four years ago. Or, something. Anyway. The point is, that's a pretty shitty reason for a feud. Anyway, here they are in yet another singles match. Let's see what happens this time around!

Batista vs United States Champion MVP, nontitle since MVP kind of needs the title for some added legitimacy and Batista is just going to win again anyway.

MVP clubbing and Batista's BIG RIGHTS make up the early onset of this match. Batista looks to dominate until MVP sends Batista's head into the second turnbuckle. He takes over and gets a two count. This match has been going on for a few minutes now and neither guy has done a real wrestling move yet. MVP ends this stagnantation with a running boot which sends Teest out of the ring. Back in, P takes him down and punches his face for a two count, so he goes for a headlock submission...thing. Batista gets out, so MVP just kicks him out of the ring. P follows him out and drives him into the apron before sending him back in as he looks to continue working over Batista's neck. Batista retaliates with a bearhug, which you could say makes sense since Batista was focusing on clubbing MVP's back at the beginning of the match, but I contend he just did it because it's the only rest hold Batista can do without it looking completely fucked. Jesus, that figure four last week... Anyway, P gets out of this and knees Batista i n the head, but Batista is unfazed and goes for the Bomb. MVP escapes by jumping over the ropes to the apron and coming back in with another running big boot. He's seriously about the only guy who can pull that move off and make it look legit. Fucking Kane, however... P goes for his Playmaker finisher, but Batista gets out of that and lands three consecutive spinebusters. Holy shit, why the fuck is he always so pissed off in his matches with P? Batista Bomb follows and he gets the severe overkill-induced wi n.

Winner : Batista

MVP looked strong against Batista through the majority of the match. Until, you know, he got killed. Commercials.

Nigguh what the FUCK is a Cosby?

Back! And now it's time for a match you paid to suffer through around this time last year! But now it's free. That's slightly better, I think.

Kane vs Khali

Bullshit throughout with a uniquish finish. Khali had the vice grip thing locked in on Kane, who was on the ground. Khali then locked his legs around Kane's upper
body and laid down, kind of like how Kurt Angle does with his ankle lock. Ignoring the fact that I just compared Khali to Kurt Angle, the ref counted the three because Khali's too damn dumb to realize when he's being pinned.

Winner : Kane


It's not good, it's just...abnormal. You're not funny, you're just weird.

Back to my single favorite wrestler, gimmick wise anyway, the motorcycle riding, bar fighting, boyfriend punking, bond jumping, woman beating son of a gun! I don't care if it doesn't rhyme.

Chuck Palumbo vs Some Guy

Palumbo starts off with a big punch, but Some Guy lands a dropkick. Chuck quickly levels him with a big boot and follows up by throwing the guy out of the ring. Outside, he rams him into the ring post a few times before rolling him back in. Big clothesline and a fall away slam set up for the FULL THROTTLE~! and the three count.

Winner : Chuck Palumbo

No woman beating today. Goddamnit. Commercials!

What's the score, let's jimmy the lock, yeah, see?

Back and Rey Mysterio is out for the obligatory hopeful optimism pre-surgery speech about coming back in a few months better than ever to seek revenge/win the World Title. It actually was that more or less, with more bitching about missing Mania again and with some Spanish sprinkled throughout. However, Vickie interrupts and says she doesn't give a shit that he's injured because he fucked up her wedding proposal from Edge last week. OOOH, VICKIE'S SO EVIL! HOW DARE SHE BE ANGRY AT REY FOR RUINING THE HAPPIE ST MOMENT OF HER LIFE BY BEATING UP HER FIANCE AND FORCING HIS CROTCH INTO HER FACE?! She wants revenge. She sends Chavo Guerrero out to seek it. She isn't going to get it.

Rey Mysterio w/ injury vs Chavo Guerrero w/ ECW Championship and still no chance of winning

Chavo starts things off aggressively right away beating on Rey, but Rey lands a headscissors. After getting up and clutching his arm, though, Rey gets slammed by Chavo as we go to commercials.

How am I not famous yet?

Back and Chavo is working over Rey's arm. He keeps pretty consistent control and baseball slides Rey's arm, but Rey comes back after this and whips Chavo out of the ring. He then runs the apron and leaps off with a seated senton. Back in, Chavo goes up for a superplex but Rey knocks him off and lands another seated senton from the top rope for a two count. Sunset flip attempt gets Chavo dropkicked in the face for a two count, and he follows this up with a stiff kick and the 619. Droppin Da Dime time fucks u p because his arm is too injured, so he goes up top instead, but Chavo is there to knock him off. Three Amigos from Chavo now, but he misses the Frog Splash and Rey rolls him up for the pin.

Winner : Rey Mysterio

Afterwards, Vickie says she's going to hurt Mysterio and brings out The Big Show. He fucks him up for a minute and really shows off the size difference. This culminates in picking Rey up and parading around the ring with hm before chokeslamming him down like any good father would to a loud child in a grocery store, amirite?! I was never prouder of my dad than I was those six weeks I spent wearing that neckbrace. END SHOW.

Clean Fingernails : Benjamin-Yang, definitely. Loved it, lots of action. Benjamin was a bit off at times but definitely made up for it during the rest. Too bad the most he has to look forward to in his future is an ECW Title run and subsequently, or perhaps during his run as Chavo has shown, getting squashed, but at least it's something. Yang doesn't have shit to look forward to. Where the fuck is the Cruiserweight Title? Or the Tag Titles? This guy needs something to do, and I miss making Doors jokes towar ds John Morrison, damnit.

Dirty Toenails : Fuck Khali and V. Seriously, why are they employed? Oh that's right, they're pituary gland freaks/morbidly obese. THAT'S WHAT GUYS 18-34 WANT TO SEE HALF NAKED! Seriously, where the fuck is Michelle McCool? Chuck Palumbo prefers his punching bags to scream in falsetto.

Remember when this section made sense? No? Oh : Oh, I don't know, let's say, remember when champions were actually booked to do shit and look strong? Chavo's won maybe one match since beating Punk for the belt over a month ago. News fucking flash - Toting around a title doesn't mean shit if you don't defend it/win matches. I'm looking at you, Orton/MVP/Miz and Morrison/Hardy/Every fucking champion in the company.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (02/29/08) 

We start things off with a review from the Wrestlemania PRESS CONFERENCE. Big, big stuff, no fake. All the big names were there! Big Show! Whoever Mayweather! That's about it! Or at least as far as they showed. Oh yeah, and they also had some world champions or something, I don't know, but look! A boxer, wrestling! Everybody cares.

After that, the Big Show makes his official return in his first match since...ECW? Jesus, I just remembered how bad ECW used to be. Test, Show, and Lashley dominated for months. At least now they're letting guys put on okay matches to go with the shitty, apathetic storylines. Anyway, just to reaffirm Big Show's dominance, he'll be facing two skinny jobbers. At the same time, though!

Big Show vs Some Guys

Chokeslam puts one guy down, then Show starts trying to box, laying the other guy out and pinning him.

Winner : Big Show

Afterwards, Show said Mayweather won't make it to his fight with De La Hoya in September, or something. He also says that the twenty million Mayweather's being paid to fight Show at Mania won't be worth it. What the fuck? Twenty million?! Seriously? Why? Does WWE think they'll make that money back in PPV buys for Mania or bringing in boxing fans and turning them on to wrestling? Nobody gives a shit if they're bringing in a boxer to wrestle one match. If they don't like wrestling, they don't like it. I'm pre tty sure they know what the fuck it's about by now. No one's going to get hooked after seeing Show-Mayweather. Goddamnit, twenty million... Commercials.

If I had twenty million dollars, I'd buy a genie. It just makes sense.

Back talking about John Cena hanging with his little cancerous homies. ICU representin'.We're also informed Batista and Kane will be teaming up to pin the Great Khali, who will tag in MVP once in a while before his ultimate demise at the hands of a chokeslam/spear. But now, it's a better tag match.

Jimmy Wang Yang & Shannon Moore vs Deuce & Domino w/ Cherry

Yang and Domino to start. Back and forth technical stuff, mostly from Yang because, well, come on. Tag to Moore and he lands a hurricarana. He goes for another but gets thrown off to the outside. Deuce rolls him back in but Domino only gets one, so he tags in his baby sistuh's boyfriend. Or maybe his girlfriend's brother, I don't know, who gives a shit. Deuce attacks him with shitty wrestling. It shouldn't really be called wrestling if clubbing, stomping, elbow drops, and headlocks are really all you do. Li ke wrestlers do that stuff, but usually in between actual wrestling moves. Anyway, quick tags and the greasers take turns keeping Moore down with rest holds. To rest from the exhaustion of locking in previous rest holds, I suppose. Moore eventually escapes the "onslaught" and tags out to Yang while Domino to Deuce, and Yang goes to work on Deuce with a plethora of kicks. Moonsault attempt but Domino is in to drag Deuce to safety. Domino then goes to meet Yang up top, but Yang shoves him down. Moore in to he lp out by attackling Domino while Deuce goes for a slam on Yang, but Yang escapes and hits the Yang Time Moonsault for the pin. Just like in every other match these teams have had. Boy there's been a lot of those.

Winner : Yang & Moore

In the back, Edge is trying to convince his fiance Vickie to move to Canada. If only Grenier was still around, he could convince her. Moving on to more important issues, though, Edge calls in his Heads and said he needs them to get revenge on the Undertaker. Although there's two of them, they still look uneasy. Must've saw the first match. Edge reassures them he'll have their back tonight though, so now they're cool with the match later on knowing that at least Edge will try to interfere, get chased off, an d watch on with his wide eyed fish face as they get chokeslammed and tombstoned all over the ring. Commercials.

I bet those little Eskimo villages got more common DNA than the Georgia mountains.

And now, Chuck Palumbo time! Not only that, but he'll be facing Jamie Noble in a rematch! Look at that little bitch Noble, coming to the ring with Michelle McCool. Chuck wouldn't have that shit. If it weren't for Jamie Noble's meddling, she'd be at home in the trailer with a four foot chain stretching from her ankle to the pipe behind the stove a la Black Snake Moan or my Uncle Randy's house. Aunt Denise makes the best brownies. Must be all the tears that fall in to the batter. Must be.

Jamie Noble w/ Michelle McCool vs Chuck Palumbo w/ disregard to restraining orders

Remember now, Noble has like four or five wins over Chuck Palumbo, but that was forever ago. The last couple times these two faced, Noble got fucked up and sent to the hospital. Let's see what happens this time! Will Chuck pull a knife? Get his biker gang buddies to come down with bricks and pool sticks? Turns out, just wrestling. Oh, well. At least it's not very bad. Noble has control early on with a shitload of weak kicks and punches. Weak because Palumbo is in a higher weight class, of course, and thus i s able to brush these off easily. He tries to work the arm, but Palumbo just shoves him out of the ring. Here he lays him out with a clothesline and goes for the FULL THROTTLE, but McCool distracts Palumbo. He eyes McCool and starts taunting her, but Noble of course spares us from some decent entertainment for once by shoving Palumbo into the steel ring post. He rolls him back in, but Chuck regains control with a huge superplex from the top rope as they were vying for control in NO MAN'S LAND. Probably beca use the land is only about a square foot of turnbuckle pad. Chuck then goes up for an elbow drop, but Noble rolls clear and lands an enziguri on Chuck. Missle dropkick gets two for Jamie, so he tries to work the arm again, because, come on. Submissions happen all the time in the WWE. Especially arm submissions. This somehow fails, however, and Palumbo just hits the FULL THROTTLE for the win.

Winner : Chuck Palumbo

Hell yes. He then yells at McCool, probably telling her to go wait for him on his bike or warm up his meth pipe, but she rebels and thinks tending to Noble is more important, apparently. Don't worry, Chuck, you'll break her, if not her spirit than her spine.
In the back now, Teddy Long is with Maryse, the Diva Search loser from two seasons ago who speaks in comically broken English. They were trying to work out some deal or, something last week. Anyway, they go up to Vickie Guerrero and Maryse starts in on compliments, calling her a great General Manager and stuff like that. Who taught her how to speak English, Teddy?! Slaves ain't s'posed to know nothing bout no schoolin'! Tell him, Vickie! She reaches for her overseer whip, but Batista interrupts and tal ks about the Smackdown vs Raw match at Wrestlemania. He says he wants to rep SD against Umaga because he needs something to do for Mania and Umaga always loses anyway. Vickie agrees and makes it official. Commercials.

Okay, not to sound, whatever, but this month's Sour 25... come on, man. I don't want to hear about dude's homoerotic thoughts while watching wrestling. Or ever. But especially while watching wrestling. Never gonna be able to comfortably watch a Paul Burchill match again, knowing there's guys out there beating off to it.

Back and, look at that, John Legend will sing America The Beautiful at Wrestlemania. Well that's nice. I wonder who John Legend is. Oh hey, Khali time! Incidentally, I think we'll be privy to another round of commercials very soon.

Kane & Batista vs Khali & United States Champion MVP

Khali to start off against Kane with his usual clubbing and kicking shit. Still fucking unwatchable, by the way. MVP predictably gets the immediate tag and goes to work on Kane, until Kane gets P with his back body drop and his running dropkick on the sitting MVP. Batista tag and he lands his grunting shoulder thrusts while unnecessarily kicking his leg back on MVP in the corner. Clothesline gets two so Kane is back in with a boot for one. Batista back in for a spinebuster. Bomb attempt but Khali is here fo r the save, and thankfully so are the commercials.

"Pin wheels! I am in the mood for PIN WHEELS!" - Pope Benedict

Back with a Khali and Batista staredown. Because everybody is just aching for this fucking feud to be reignited. Khali shoves Batista down and then out of the ring. Batista gets back in and Khali delivers a clothesline. MVP gets the tag and he chokes Teest with his foot in the corner before tagging back to Khali. Shitty kicks and elbow strikes lead to a brain chop attempt, but Batista escapes and tags in Kane who fucks Khali up with uppercuts and punches that actually look like they do shit. Khali arm brush puts Kane down though and he tags to P. Kane tries for a chokeslam, but Khali chops Kane for MVP to escape. Multiple back and forth tags between Khali and MVP for a while, double teaming and weakening Kane so he can eventually escape and make the hot tag to Batista for him to win after three moves. This, um, strategy works for a while. Notable incidents include a shining wizard from MVP and being caught by an uppercut from Kane as he was coming off the top. Nothing notable from Khali though, unless you thi nk kicking air and clotheslines where only the guy's wrist connects are notable. Anyway, it was after the big uppercut on MVP that Kane made the tag to Batista. He goes nuts on MVP like he's been doing lately because they're kind of feuding or something I think, I don't know. They never really explained it, but boy is he angry! Powerslam attempt is escaped by P who lands on his feet and he tags in Khali. All the elements are now aligned, this match can be over. Spinebuster puts down Khali, but MVP breaks it up. Kane takes out P, but Khali goozles Kane. However, being unable to execute any legitimate wrestling move, like, at all, Khali just stands there and takes a Batista spear for the three count. He takes it like absolute shit, by the way.

Winner : Batista & Kane

Fucking fuck Khali, seriously. Just let him go already. Fuck it if he becomes the next Mark Henry. Commercials.

Not to shill, but pardcast.com is a great way to burn an hour or eight. Raid the archives while it's still free.

Eve Torres is out. She won last year's Diva Search, doncha know. No? Oh. Well, it's okay, she'll be gone soon anyway. After posing nude, of course. Well, posing nude again, because, come on. Anyway, she announces The Rock's dad and granddad are going to be inducted into the Hall of Fame, by The Rock no less. Well, that's nice. It isn't often you get to see parents mooching off their children's legacy in wrestling, it's usually the other way around. And this is an extreme case, too, I mean, the Hall of Fame? Bob Orton being involved in a main event feud for six months wasn't even this bad. Commercials.

People always leave behind their vaudeville aspirations for "the medical field" or "engineering" or "gainful employment". Well, not me! Just wait and see.

Biscuits and Gravy served with some faux Jimi Hendrix can only mean one thing. Mr Moohjo Risn'n vs some even worse acronym for Festus. Seftus? There we go. I don't give a fuck if there's an extra M in Mr Moohjo Risin'n. That shit still took me a minute to come up with, and another ten for desperately trying to come up with a cool acronym for my own name. Email me if you have one. PS Anthony Dean's not my real name. Have fun!

Anyway. Miz has a mic before the match, and goddamnit if I didn't just lose the remote yesterday. Well, as I was tearing open couch cushions, I overheard Miz saying he has a surprise. Morrison announces they have a new thing on wwe.com called The Dirt Sheet. Preview shows stupid SNL's Fun With Real Audio-esque  clip saying Jesse was abducted by aliens. Looked like shit, so of course I immediately went to watch more on wwe.com. I guess it's watchable, though not very entertaining. They basically make fu n of wrestlers for a few minutes in a news style format, with no hi-LARIOUS Triple H bulldozer clips or anything! They're both trying way too hard anyway. Morrison comes off like he's doing a bad audition for Weekend Update and Miz is Miz. I mean, it's not horrible, but...okay, Jim Morrison wouldn't ask Ray Maznerizakattack "Did you, uh...did you guys, you know...do it?"

Speaking of gimmicks, Miz really has carved out one for himself, somewhat. Annoying asshole works better when you're heel than face, anyway. Although I still have a problem with Jesse being goody two shoes face while simultaneously controlling the monster Festus. He should be more of a moustache twirling hypnotist magician. That'd be a much better bad gimmick for a wrestler than "Southern boy with retarded friend". But whatever. Match time! It's gimmicks contrived from the 60s and 30s, Morrison vs Steinbeck , let's go!

Jesse & Festus vs WWE Tag Team Champions John Morrison & Miz, nontitle

Festus starts off right away laying both guys out. He gets held back like it's elementary school all over again and the champs decide to start off with Miz. Sacrifice the weak link, good strategy probably. Somehow. Miz gets fucked up with Festus's MONSTROUS gauntlet of basic wrestling maneuvers! Vicious scoop slam, man. Jesse gets the tag and comes off the top with a leg drop that gets two. He does more stupid shit and attacks Morrison on the apron. He then chases Miz around the ring until Miz leads him pas t Morrison, who puts him down with a clothesline. Back in, Miz and Morrison exhange tags working on Jesse in their corner until Jesse escapes and tags in Festus. As is the formula for all tag matches, I suppose. Festus takes out both guys with his retard strength and ends this one with the F-2 and a half.

Winner : Jesse & Festus


Smoking pot is simply a nonviolent protest against an unjust law. Same as black folk daring to not move off of buses, and look how far they've gotten! I must've saw three different black dudes sleeping on the subway last week alone.

Back to the RAW Rebound and wouldn't you know it, Hornswoggle isn't Vince's son! What?! Called that shit months ago. Turns out he's Finlay's son, blah blah, looks like Kennedy won't end up like Chris Masters after all, hooray! They then announced that Finlay will be on Raw this Monday. Big Daddy V then came out for his squash match which I may or may not recap. Wait and see what I do after these commercials!

Jumble word of the day : Sprem. ...It's "perms", you weird fuck.

Yeah. Fuck this one.

Big Daddy V vs Balls Mahoney

Wait, nevermind! Shit, something actually happened in this match. Okay, V was beating up Balls who got in no offense, of course, until the lights went out and the Undertaker was in the ring when they came back on. Taker hurled out V and chokeslammed Balls. I was seriously worried they were going to continue that Taker-V squash feud they had going, but Taker grabs a mic and says Edge's cronies tonight will suffer the same fate Edge will at Wrestlemania...they're all going to RIP. I've never been more relieve d to see a shitty promo. Commercials.

Get sexy, kids.


Undertaker vs Zack Ryder w/ Curt Hawkins & Edge
Big stuff, big big stuff in this main event, I'm telling you. Anyway, basically Ryder was running from Taker for a while as Edge and Hawkins took turns distracting him for Ryder to try a move and get caught. This allowed Taker to get in all his usual moves. Leg drop on the apron, snake eyes, big boot, etc. Ryder controlled for about a minute after a low blow but, being a lower card heel, only knows clubbing and stomping attacks, so Taker eventually finished this one up with a chokeslam, as Edge looked on shocked and horrified, I might add, and Ryder immediately tapped to that submission...thing Taker does now.

Winner : Undertaker

And guess what happened afterwards! Edge and Other Guy doubleteamed, until Taker fought back and ran Edge off for Other Guy to get fucked up as Edge watched on in horror from, where? That's right, the ramp. I must be a fucking wizard or something. END SHOW.

Mountain Dew : No matches really stood out. I would say the Batista and Kane team, but Khali was there to taint that with his presence, so I'll just give this one to, I don't know, Miz and Morrison actually being on the show.

7up : Seriously, seriously, seriously, no bandwagon jumping or trying to sound elitist or funny or cool, fuck Khali. That shit is ridiculous.

Remember dnL? : Remember Matt Hardy? Where the fuck? Also, remember MITB matches, when they'd have a certain number of guys from each show? Well I guess they're not doing that this year, and it's obvious why - Smackdown doesn't have shit to contribute. The only way they could is to stick like, I don't know, fucking Chuck Palumbo in there or something. Personally, I can't fucking wait for WWE to have to resort to adding ECW Champ Chavo Guerrero like they did with him at the Rumble. Come on, man, work on your midcard. On each show, after the four or five (or two if it's a show other than Raw) top guys and the two midcard guys, there's a real big fucking dropoff. ECW's roster is going to have to fill up about half of the MITB match. And still just have Jeff Hardy win it, of course.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).