SmackDown Rant Archive (February 2008)
February 01, 2008
February 08, 2008
February 15, 2008
February 22, 2008
February 29, 2008
on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (02/01/08)
I love watching Republican debates now just to see the interviewer guy ask Ron Paul patronizing questions and him answer them as the whole room erupts into laughter.
And now, in case you actually decided to pay for the Royal Rumble, here's a rematch to show you a bit of that money was wasted.
Ric Flair vs MVP, Flair's Career Match
No drama to this, as you know they're not gonna end Flair's fucking career on Smackdown!. Ric starting things off with a hip toss and some hobbling and snapping, but P is quick to roll him up for two. Flair busting out the well bucket for some chops, but he gets back body dropped and smacked in the face with MVP's running boot for the two count. Couple more pin attempts, nothing special, oh look! Figure Four! But MVP counters it and Flair makes it to the ropes, but MVP apparently doesn't realize this despit e the ref counting to five in his face, and he gets disqualified.
Winner and STILL active wrestler : Ric Flair
Afterwards, MVP wraps Flair's leg around the steel ringpost and lays into it, then goes outside and puts the steps up against his leg and hits a running boot into the steps. This whole thing was reminiscent of MVP's beatdown of Matt Hardy. Some nobodies in official looking shirts help Flair to the back and we get replays of Flair going "Aaah, aaaaHHH". Commercials.
If sperm is really alive, and counts as a person, I'm guilty of genocide. Allright...
Back to a rundown of Raw's Chamber Match, just in case there weren't enough people you don't give a shit about in the first one. Blah blah Flair is hurt, Chuck Palumbo time!
He's in the ring with a mic and says Jamie Noble got in his business and deserved the beatdown he got last week. AND SO DID THAT WOMAN. He brings this up, but disappoints all his ex-con fans by saying that was just an accident. The announcers state she got whiplash and a concussion from him hurling her ass down to the padded mat outside the ring. Palumbo said it was all Noble's fault anyway, yet he still was fined ten grand for hitting the ref. But all that's cool, he just wants to apologize to Michelle McC ool and wants to do it where all violent issues are settled with words, in the middle of a wrestling ring. She is slow coming out for some reason, probably falling down stairs or walking into doors on her way backstage, the clumsy bitch. She eventually does come out and Palumbo apologizes face to face, but she slaps his and he charges her and just as he's about to lay in he suddenly realizes there are not only thousands of witnesses but also cameras. He notices all this stuff finally this week because this time he's not nearly pissed off enough for his vision to fade entirely to a bright red rage yet. He then goes off on her about how everything is her fault. CUE SNITSKY INTERFERENCE! No? Oh. He then says he's going to make Jamie Noble pay for that slap and rides off on his badass bike to go ask his mom in the nursing home for some beer money. Commercials!
My chemistry teacher has a full "Night Hawk" KKK outfit on display in her classroom.
And now formerly a main event but now midcard rematch time!
Rey Mysterio & CM Punk vs ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero & World Heavyweight Champion Edge
On the way to the ring, Rey is wearing a Punk shirt and vice versa. This is gay. Chavo and Edge, however, come out to their usual heterosexual ring gear. I mean, what's not cool about a Mexican pancho thing and a cape? I don't know why Edge doesn't bring back his cape robe. It's been good cape weather recently.
Anyway, Punk and Chavo to start things off and it's the same match you've been, um, treated to all year on ECW. The action spills to the outside, as most action seems to do just before a commercial break, just before a commercial break.
this one girl i knew name shante (she comitted suicide btw) but neway one time i paid her 7 cents to strip in the ditch
Back and Edge has Punk on the Mat in a laying heimlich maneuver. Yep. Punk gets out and Chavo gets the tag, but Punk lands an enziguri on him to tag in Rey. Chavo with a tag to Edge and Rey is A HOUSE OF FIRE. He eventually lands a springboard moonsault on Edge. Not the BME, but somewhat close. Somewhat. Mysterio now for another springboard attack but Edge dropkicks him out of the ring. Tag to Chavo and he goes to work on Rey as soon as Rey got back in with his usual plethora of submission stuff. This time he's working over Rey's leg for a minute until Rey breaks away and tags in Punk. He comes in with his springboard clothesline which gets two on Chavo but Edge is in for the spear. Punk dodges by jumping though and Rey lands a headscissors on Edge to set him up for the 619, with Chavo already draped over the second rope as well. As Rey was about to connect with the 1238, Edge gets out and slides to the outside, but Chavo still receives the kick and stumbles back. Rey with a springboard crossbody to Edge on t he outside and Punk hits the Go To Sleep on Chavo Guerrero for the win.
Winner : CM Punk & Rey Mysterio
After the match, Punk is yelling angrily at Chavo, so I guess we can look forward to this feud going on for a bit longer. Big Daddy V & Mark Henry vs Brothers of Destruction later tonight. Fuck that. Commercials.
TekBow was for queers, real Turoks used the War Blade, always.
Back and Vince is still fucking with Finlay despite him obviously possessing knowledge that could potentially ruin Vince. He's bitching Finlay out about DQing himself in the Rumble just to save Hornswoggle and says there's no such thing as loyalty. Irish on Italian action next, and I'm not talking about 1920s European Bi-Racial porn. That'd be ridiculous. Unfortunately.
Finlay & Hornswoggle vs Deuce & Domino
Whelp, Finlay knocks the shit out of the greasers and Horny did his frog fall.
Winner : Finlay & Hornswoggle
Irish dancing celebration ensues! Allright. Commercials.
My favorite thing to do is go to the VA Hospital at night and pop packing bubbles.
The Diva Search Winner Eve is here, and she makes her big debut by...introducing Batista for a promo. She asks what he thinks about the Elimination Chamber, but first he wants to welcome everyone to the number one show in sports entertainment. THAT'S RIGHT HE SAID IT. Or so he said. Batista says yeah he lost the Rumble, but it was to Triple H and John Cena. That's like trying to beat Superman AND Mr. Fantastic in one night, when all you are is the Incredible Hulk. It simply can't be done. That's okay though , because he's going to walk out of No Way Out as the winner and walk into Wrestlemania to reclaim his title, HYEEAHGRUNT! Commercials.
Back to Festus's wide eyes and flared nostril face. He says Festus has been cured of his anger problem and they'll be back next week BETTA THAN EVA. Despite the fact that Festus's anger problem was the only thing that ever won them matches. Ah, well. Myme Tyme with the Edge clones now.
Curt Hawkins & Zack Ryder vs Shannon Moore & Jimmy Yang
Yang starting things off with an Edgehead, he reverses a snapmare by landing on his feet and answered with some kicks before tagging to Moore. Boring Edgehead action, boring Edgehead action. These guys are more like Deuce and Domino now. They used to remind me of MNM. That's a pretty far fucking fall. Yang back in, boring Edgehead action, boring Edgehead act- oh, wait! One Edgehead is up top with a, oh, nevermind, it was an extremely botched crossbody thing. He landed on his feet and sort of bumped into Yan g. Boring Edgehead action, boring Edgehead action, the same motherfucker is back up top. Guess he's gonna try again. Yep, he comes off the top and THIS time, Yang catches him with an atomic drop. Fuck improv, just repeat! Tag to Shannon Moore who goes up top but misses a corkscrew moonsault, which is about the most unnecessary move ever. Some Edgehead wins with I guess his finisher which is an inverted DDT, except he picks the whole person up and slams them.
Winner : The Edgeheads
Attention cd listeners, we've come to the point in this album where those listening along on record or cassette will have to stand up, or sit down, and turn over the record or cassette.
We get the entrances for Kane, Taker, Henry, and V, and then some more commercials. Christ.
Kane & Undertaker vs Mark Henry & Big Daddy V w/ Matt Striker
We come back to see the match has already started. Kane and Henry are plodding along now. Kane off the ropes and he sort of jumps and falls into Henry, who stumbles backwards and falls on his ass and they lay sprawled out. I don't know what the fuck that was even supposed to be. Taker gets the tag from here and we're reminded just how amazing his punches are. By the announcers, I mean, not our own eyes, since you know, all punches look the same. Taker then lands a running boot on Henry and tags in Kane, but Henry regains control here. Whip to the corner and Henry lands a splash. Tag to V and since he's fat and Kane's not the best pure striker in the WWE, V is impermeable to Kane's blows. Tag to Taker who attempts to make a wrestling match with Big Daddy V interesting. He fails miserably, so he tags Kane back in and V tags in Henry. Kane lands his flying clothesline off the top, and both men carefully fall to the ground. Jesus this sucks. Striker with the distraction gives Henry the brief advantage on Kane, wh o sends Kane out. Here V and Henry each take a turn in slamming Kane's head into the announcer's table before sending him back in. Whip to the corner and V hits a waddling splash on him before Henry locks in his Gorillahug. This somehow doesn't get the win, maybe because it isn't 1985, and so Henry releases him. Kane is quick to recover though and fights Henry off before coming off the second turnbuckle with a flying clothesline. Tag to Taker now who connects with the Old School on Henry, followed by a big DDT. Pin is broken by V, so Kane comes in and the Brothers land a double chokeslam on him. Henry gets a chokeslam of his own and Taker locks in his new finisher where he grabs their arm while they're standing and brings their neck down to choke them with his shin while the other leg is wrapped around the back of their head. Henry tapped immediately and spewed out blood.
Winner : Brothers of Destruction
Replays are abound and we get to see some good ole fashioned Brotherly posturing to close out. END SHOW.
Thumbs up : Rey/Punk vs Chavo/Edge was good, and two Elimination Chambers is certainly intriguing if nothing else. Not really a great night, not a whole lot got done. It was just a bunch of thinly-veiled repeat matches and stuff we've all seen before, nothing special.
Thumbs down : Almost the entire mediocre show. Lot of botchy fuckups tonight. Even Rey and Edge were unsteady out there. Well Rey always is, but still. Give it to Mark Henry, just because.
Remember the A-Okay hand sign? : Remember when being a good wrestler actually meant something? Like you know, Bret Hart and Steve Austin and HBK and Y2J and Undertaker and Triple H and Kurt Angle were all top guys and always had good matches with eachother. Now it's like, okay here's Undertaker and a bunch of fat guys or here's Randy Orton and John Cena. I'm not saying a guy can't get over if he doesn't have keen technical prowess, you know, but it's nice when a bunch of guys on top, in the main events can actually put on great matches. Now it's like Batista vs Khali headlining PPV's. I don't care if it was five months ago, that shit was still ridiculous.
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (02/01/08)
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).