Hello and welcome to The Lowdown on Smackdown! Once again, I'm your host, Shane
Steele, but you probably already knew that. And if not, well, somebody better get with the program.
We kick off the show with a recap of Communism getting totally screwed last week.
I guess some things never change. Oh, and apparently Triple H and Jeff Hardy will both meet Edge for the WWE title in a Triple
Threat Match at Armageddon.
WWE Champion Edge W/ Wildman Beard and Vickie Guerrero vs. Kung Fu Naki
Naki starts off with quick kicks and chops. A spinning top rope DDT gets 2, as
do a pair of roll-ups. A bulldog is followed by the Crane Kick, which gets (dear God, no!)...2. GIANT sigh of relief there.
Mr. Kung poses for a bit, then walks right into a big boot, which is followed by a spear that seals it.
Vickie grabs a mic and calls Edge's match "masterful". Erm, right. What match were
you watching? She asks for a round of applause and gets it from the smart people in the crowd. Vickie announces that Trips
and Jeff will participate in a tag team gauntlet match until they lose and breaks out EXCUSE ME! to explain the rules. Then
she cackles maniacally. Oh, tonight also features Big Show vs. Undertaker: Crap in the Cage.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Samuel L. Jackson must've watched a lot of Booker T for his
role in The Spirit.
Divas Champion Michelle McCool vs. Maria (Non-Title Match)
Michelle scores a takedown, which leads to the two rolling around trading punches
until they break it up. Michelle works a headlock from there. A series of shoulderblocks follows and the weakest legdrop I've
ever seen gets 1. A well-deserved 1 might I add. Michelle works over Maria in the corner until Maria dodges a clothesline
and starts choking Michelle with her boot. Michelle tosses her off and Maria recovers with a small package for 1. Michelle
tries to work another headlock, but Maria escapes to hit a pair of clotheslines. Michelle tries a kick, but Maria ducks and
rolls her up fro the win.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Crap. I was sure that was Geoffrey Rush as Santa Claus.
Carlito and Primo are chatting up The Bella Twins when Maria comes up, leading
to a happy little hissy fit. Michelle comes up and kicks Maria in the gut. Dang. Pissed much?
Quick preview of Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia, coming soon to a discount
bin near you. Thought I may rent it soley for the fact Kennedy is fighting Colombian COMMUNISTS (Kozlov's derranged Colombian
Big Show's mug pops up to hype the steel cage match tonight. Then we get THAT DAMNED
FOOTAGE OF SHOW PUNCHING UNDERTAKER A BUNCH OF TIMES! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU, VINCE?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Santa's Funniest Moments, without the Santa.
MVP is in the ring to whine about losing his incentive bonus and...the tunnel?
No more tunnel? Surely this must be a sign of the Apocalypse. He calls out Hurricane Helms, but instead we get Jesus? Seems
Helms has forgotten to see the barber.
MVP vs. Hurricane Helms W/ Long, Flowing Locks of Hair
Hurricane starts off with a waistlock, but P counters with a scoop slam. After
that, Hurricane flies around for a bit with lucha rolls and armdrags, until MVP breaks free of an armbar. P puts Helms on
the apron and boots him off, then rolls him back in the ring to work a submission. Helms escapes and manages to hit a clothesline
and a top rope crossbody. MVP recovers and looks to hit the Playmaker, but Hurricane counters and hits the Shining Wizard
for the win.
WINNER: Hurricane Helms. Apparently, he broke his
neck for our sins and was resurrected a year later.
Triple H runs into Jeff Hardy backstage. The two argue and threaten each other.
I sense a trip to the psychologist coming up for these two.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Is that Neil Patrick Harris in the Yes commercial?
Research reveals it is not. YOU ARE WRONG, ZACH!
It's time for the Gauntlet Match! For purposes of, um, not wanting to type "Triple
H and Jeff Hardy" a lot, I'm going to refer to them by the much more amusing name of World Health Organization. Get it? Drugs
meets politics? OK, I'll stop now.
World Health Organization vs. Curt Hawkins & Zach Ryder
Hawkins starts off firing a few punches at Hardy, only to get hit with a Whisper
in the Wind. Trips tags in and hits a spinebuster on Ryder, who had also tagged in. A Pedigree follows, but Jeff tags in and
hits a Swanton. Triple H collects the pin as Jeff beats up Hawkins.
WINNERS: World Health Organization.
HHH and Jeff start shoving each other as Miz and Morrison head for the ring.
World Health Organization vs. John Morrison & The Miz
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Punching a mechanical moose = fun.
We return to find Triple H beating the crap out of The Miz. Jeff tags in to continue
the beatdown. Finally, Morrison tags in, only to get rolled up for 2. Triple H tags in and begins to work over Morrison's
arm. Jeff tags in to continue the ultimate beatdown Miz and Morrison are getting. Jeff tags in Triple H with a chop to the
chest. Morrison gets in a kick to the head follwing a Miz distraction. Tag to Miz, who hits a corner clothesline for 2. Tag
to Morrison. Double gutbuster from the pair gets 2. M orrison works a headlock, then tags to Miz, who also works a headlock.
Trips escapes with a back suplex, then dodges a corner clothesline to tag to Jeff, who hits a pair of facebuster suplexes
on both Miz and Morrison. The crazy corner kick gets 2 before Morrison breaks it up. Trips take Morrison out and as the two
brawl at ringside, Hardy kicks Miz out and dives onto all three men. Miz gets up and gets back in the ring, but Trips stops
Hardy from getting back in and the two brawl until the 10 count is reac hed.
WINNERS BY COUNTOUT: John Morrison & The Miz.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I know graffiti is bad, but isn't that a little much?
Vickie and Edge gloat over their evil plan to make Jeff fight HHH next week. Hardy
bursts in and tries to blame Edge for the sneak attack he suffered before Survivor Series, but Edge shifts the blame to Triple
H. Trips walks in and Hardy starts brawling with him again, only to have security break it up. Then Edge and Vickie make out.
EW! Why do I have to see this again?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Swearing becomes "bloody". Not cool.
ECW Champion Matt Hardy vs. Chavo Guerrero (Non-Title Match)
Chavo works a headlock, but Matt gets in a shoulderblock after getting out. Matt
works an armbar, then hits a clothesline. A clothesline-elbow drop combo gets 2. The bulldog that follows also gets 2. Chavo
gets in a back suplex, then starts beating on Matt in the corner. Matt dodges a Chavo charge attempt and hits a scoop slam,
followed by a second rope elbow drop for 2. Chavo counters a Side Effect attempt into a side suplex for 2. Matt counters back
with a big back body drop. Suddenly, Communism appe ars and kicks Matt square in the jaw.
WINNER BY DQ: Matt Hardy.
Kozlov tosses Chavo out of the way, then ties up Matt in the ropes, flooring him
with a headbutt.
Khali is gargling in the back when Runjin slaps him on the back, causing the mouthwash
to dribble out of his mouth. Runjin tells him it's time to go and Khali complies...in intelligible English? I thought I'd
never see the day.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Yay! OJ's going to jail!
DX shills more crap, only this time, Shawn pulls a "grumpy, tired, old man on Christmas"
The Great Khali heads for the ring in an insanely large Santa hat. Runjin has mistletoe.
I don't like where this is going. Thankfully, it's jus the usual "Let's show couples making out! It's not in any way violating
people!'. THEN Runjin picks...nobody? Wow. He even passed on the really old lady. Instead, he brings out Eve in a Santa dress.
Khali and Eve make out and this time, I cringe a little less than I normally do when Khali makes out. The steel cage match
COMMERCIAL CRAP: I would like to see an emo pinata.
Big Show vs. Undertaker (Steel Cage Match)
Lock-up. Show starts beatin on Undertaker in the corner, then hits a side slam.
The entire spot, sans side slam, is then repeated. You can see why this feud is so AWESOME. Show follows up with a suplex,
but misses some strange splash of sorts. Undertaker recovers to slam Show into the cage wall 3 times, but Show breaks free
with elbows to the face. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCAIL THOUGHT: Who sings that "Mojave" song?
Show is once again punching away at Undertaker. A clothesline gets 2. Show tosses
'Taker into the cage wall, and hits another clothesline. Show goes for YET ANOTHER clothesline, but Undertaker ducks (even
he's catching on to how repetitive Big Show is) and a fistfight ensues. Undertaker wins and hits a flying clothesline, which
is followed by a legdrop for 2. Undertaker hits a pair of corner charges and goes for Old School, but Show stops him and hits
a Superplex that gets 2. Big Show tries to escape, but 'Taker catches him on his way up and punches him down. Instead of escaping,
Undertaker motions to the crowd, goes for a legdrop from the top rope, and lands on his ass when Show rolls out of the way.
I will laugh so hard if he loses this match. Undertaker blocks a chokeslam attempt with a DDT for 2, but the second time around,
Show hits the chokslam. However, it only gets 2. Undertaker blocks the Falcon Punch, but he bounces off the ropes right into
it. Show tries to get the cover, but 'Taker sits in and locks in the formerly-banned Hell's Gate for the win.
Well, that caps off another edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown. Since everyone
else seems to be pushing for votes to win Writer of the Year, I'll make my case: Think of me as one of those options at Cyber
Sunday where you know the poor guy/stipulation has no chance in hell, but you think "Hey, wouldn't if be funny if he/it won
and ruined the booking plans?". Yeah, I'm that guy/stipulation. MAKE IT HAPPEN PEOPLE! Oh, and join me next week for another-yeah,
you know the drill. Just keep reading this on a weekly basis. And check out the other great stuff on the site! It's freakin'
hilarious and totally worth the while.