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SMACKDOWN ARCHIVES DECEMBER 2008

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Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (12/05/08) 

Hello and welcome to The Lowdown on Smackdown! Once again, I'm your host, Shane Steele, but you probably already knew that. And if not, well, somebody better get with the program.
 
We kick off the show with a recap of Communism getting totally screwed last week. I guess some things never change. Oh, and apparently Triple H and Jeff Hardy will both meet Edge for the WWE title in a Triple Threat Match at Armageddon.
 
WWE Champion Edge W/ Wildman Beard and Vickie Guerrero vs. Kung Fu Naki (Non-Title Match)
 
Naki starts off with quick kicks and chops. A spinning top rope DDT gets 2, as do a pair of roll-ups. A bulldog is followed by the Crane Kick, which gets (dear God, no!)...2. GIANT sigh of relief there. Mr. Kung poses for a bit, then walks right into a big boot, which is followed by a spear that seals it.
 
WINNER: Edge.
 
Vickie grabs a mic and calls Edge's match "masterful". Erm, right. What match were you watching? She asks for a round of applause and gets it from the smart people in the crowd. Vickie announces that Trips and Jeff will participate in a tag team gauntlet match until they lose and breaks out EXCUSE ME! to explain the rules. Then she cackles maniacally. Oh, tonight also features Big Show vs. Undertaker: Crap in the Cage.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Samuel L. Jackson must've watched a lot of Booker T for his role in The Spirit.
 
Divas Champion Michelle McCool vs. Maria (Non-Title Match)
 
Michelle scores a takedown, which leads to the two rolling around trading punches until they break it up. Michelle works a headlock from there. A series of shoulderblocks follows and the weakest legdrop I've ever seen gets 1. A well-deserved 1 might I add. Michelle works over Maria in the corner until Maria dodges a clothesline and starts choking Michelle with her boot. Michelle tosses her off and Maria recovers with a small package for 1. Michelle tries to work another headlock, but Maria escapes to hit a pair of clotheslines. Michelle tries a kick, but Maria ducks and rolls her up fro the win.
 
WINNER: Maria.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Crap. I was sure that was Geoffrey Rush as Santa Claus.
 
Carlito and Primo are chatting up The Bella Twins when Maria comes up, leading to a happy little hissy fit. Michelle comes up and kicks Maria in the gut. Dang. Pissed much?
 
Quick preview of Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia, coming soon to a discount bin near you. Thought I may rent it soley for the fact Kennedy is fighting Colombian COMMUNISTS (Kozlov's derranged Colombian uncle?).
 
Big Show's mug pops up to hype the steel cage match tonight. Then we get THAT DAMNED FOOTAGE OF SHOW PUNCHING UNDERTAKER A BUNCH OF TIMES! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU, VINCE?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Santa's Funniest Moments, without the Santa.
 
MVP is in the ring to whine about losing his incentive bonus and...the tunnel? No more tunnel? Surely this must be a sign of the Apocalypse. He calls out Hurricane Helms, but instead we get Jesus? Seems Helms has forgotten to see the barber.
 
MVP vs. Hurricane Helms W/ Long, Flowing Locks of Hair
 
Hurricane starts off with a waistlock, but P counters with a scoop slam. After that, Hurricane flies around for a bit with lucha rolls and armdrags, until MVP breaks free of an armbar. P puts Helms on the apron and boots him off, then rolls him back in the ring to work a submission. Helms escapes and manages to hit a clothesline and a top rope crossbody. MVP recovers and looks to hit the Playmaker, but Hurricane counters and hits the Shining Wizard for the win.
 
WINNER: Hurricane Helms. Apparently, he broke his neck for our sins and was resurrected a year later.
 
Triple H runs into Jeff Hardy backstage. The two argue and threaten each other. I sense a trip to the psychologist coming up for these two.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Is that Neil Patrick Harris in the Yes commercial? Research reveals it is not. YOU ARE WRONG, ZACH!
 
It's time for the Gauntlet Match! For purposes of, um, not wanting to type "Triple H and Jeff Hardy" a lot, I'm going to refer to them by the much more amusing name of World Health Organization. Get it? Drugs meets politics? OK, I'll stop now.
 
World Health Organization vs. Curt Hawkins & Zach Ryder
 
Hawkins starts off firing a few punches at Hardy, only to get hit with a Whisper in the Wind. Trips tags in and hits a spinebuster on Ryder, who had also tagged in. A Pedigree follows, but Jeff tags in and hits a Swanton. Triple H collects the pin as Jeff beats up Hawkins.
 
WINNERS: World Health Organization.
 
HHH and Jeff start shoving each other as Miz and Morrison head for the ring.
 
World Health Organization vs. John Morrison & The Miz (After Commercials)
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Punching a mechanical moose = fun.
 
We return to find Triple H beating the crap out of The Miz. Jeff tags in to continue the beatdown. Finally, Morrison tags in, only to get rolled up for 2. Triple H tags in and begins to work over Morrison's arm. Jeff tags in to continue the ultimate beatdown Miz and Morrison are getting. Jeff tags in Triple H with a chop to the chest. Morrison gets in a kick to the head follwing a Miz distraction. Tag to Miz, who hits a corner clothesline for 2. Tag to Morrison. Double gutbuster from the pair gets 2. M orrison works a headlock, then tags to Miz, who also works a headlock. Trips escapes with a back suplex, then dodges a corner clothesline to tag to Jeff, who hits a pair of facebuster suplexes on both Miz and Morrison. The crazy corner kick gets 2 before Morrison breaks it up. Trips take Morrison out and as the two brawl at ringside, Hardy kicks Miz out and dives onto all three men. Miz gets up and gets back in the ring, but Trips stops Hardy from getting back in and the two brawl until the 10 count is reac hed.
 
WINNERS BY COUNTOUT: John Morrison & The Miz.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I know graffiti is bad, but isn't that a little much?
 
Vickie and Edge gloat over their evil plan to make Jeff fight HHH next week. Hardy bursts in and tries to blame Edge for the sneak attack he suffered before Survivor Series, but Edge shifts the blame to Triple H. Trips walks in and Hardy starts brawling with him again, only to have security break it up. Then Edge and Vickie make out. EW! Why do I have to see this again?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Swearing becomes "bloody". Not cool.
 
ECW Champion Matt Hardy vs. Chavo Guerrero (Non-Title Match)
 
Chavo works a headlock, but Matt gets in a shoulderblock after getting out. Matt works an armbar, then hits a clothesline. A clothesline-elbow drop combo gets 2. The bulldog that follows also gets 2. Chavo gets in a back suplex, then starts beating on Matt in the corner. Matt dodges a Chavo charge attempt and hits a scoop slam, followed by a second rope elbow drop for 2. Chavo counters a Side Effect attempt into a side suplex for 2. Matt counters back with a big back body drop. Suddenly, Communism appe ars and kicks Matt square in the jaw.
 
WINNER BY DQ: Matt Hardy.
Kozlov tosses Chavo out of the way, then ties up Matt in the ropes, flooring him with a headbutt.
 
Khali is gargling in the back when Runjin slaps him on the back, causing the mouthwash to dribble out of his mouth. Runjin tells him it's time to go and Khali complies...in intelligible English? I thought I'd never see the day.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Yay! OJ's going to jail!
 
DX shills more crap, only this time, Shawn pulls a "grumpy, tired, old man on Christmas" routine.
 
The Great Khali heads for the ring in an insanely large Santa hat. Runjin has mistletoe. I don't like where this is going. Thankfully, it's jus the usual "Let's show couples making out! It's not in any way violating people!'. THEN Runjin picks...nobody? Wow. He even passed on the really old lady. Instead, he brings out Eve in a Santa dress. Khali and Eve make out and this time, I cringe a little less than I normally do when Khali makes out. The steel cage match is next.
 
COMMERCIAL CRAP: I would like to see an emo pinata.
 
Big Show vs. Undertaker (Steel Cage Match)
 
Lock-up. Show starts beatin on Undertaker in the corner, then hits a side slam. The entire spot, sans side slam, is then repeated. You can see why this feud is so AWESOME. Show follows up with a suplex, but misses some strange splash of sorts. Undertaker recovers to slam Show into the cage wall 3 times, but Show breaks free with elbows to the face. COMMERCIALS!
 
COMMERCAIL THOUGHT: Who sings that "Mojave" song?
 
Show is once again punching away at Undertaker. A clothesline gets 2. Show tosses 'Taker into the cage wall, and hits another clothesline. Show goes for YET ANOTHER clothesline, but Undertaker ducks (even he's catching on to how repetitive Big Show is) and a fistfight ensues. Undertaker wins and hits a flying clothesline, which is followed by a legdrop for 2. Undertaker hits a pair of corner charges and goes for Old School, but Show stops him and hits a Superplex that gets 2. Big Show tries to escape, but 'Taker catches him on his way up and punches him down. Instead of escaping, Undertaker motions to the crowd, goes for a legdrop from the top rope, and lands on his ass when Show rolls out of the way. I will laugh so hard if he loses this match. Undertaker blocks a chokeslam attempt with a DDT for 2, but the second time around, Show hits the chokslam. However, it only gets 2. Undertaker blocks the Falcon Punch, but he bounces off the ropes right into it. Show tries to get the cover, but 'Taker sits in and locks in the formerly-banned Hell's Gate for the win.
 
WINNER: Undertaker.
 
Well, that caps off another edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown. Since everyone else seems to be pushing for votes to win Writer of the Year, I'll make my case: Think of me as one of those options at Cyber Sunday where you know the poor guy/stipulation has no chance in hell, but you think "Hey, wouldn't if be funny if he/it won and ruined the booking plans?". Yeah, I'm that guy/stipulation. MAKE IT HAPPEN PEOPLE! Oh, and join me next week for another-yeah, you know the drill. Just keep reading this on a weekly basis. And check out the other great stuff on the site! It's freakin' hilarious and totally worth the while.

SEND FEEDBACK TO SHANE STEELE
 
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (12/11/08) 

Hey there! Shane Steele here with a late edition of the Lowdown on Smackdown. Again, I had to participate in a school function last night, so this edition is once again brought to you (commercial free might I add) by YouTube user xCMPunk508x. I owe you one (so long as it isn't money).
 
We kick off with Triple H marching down to the ring, only to have Jeff Hardy jump him from behind. The two brawl until one ref and Chavo awkwardly try to break it up. Chavo gets punched in the face before the other refs hustle down to pull Jeff and Trips apart. Vickie comes down to bitch at them, but Trips shuts her up by shoving a ref into her and making her fall on her ass. Jeff and HHH start brawling again while Chavo giggles at Vickie. Some nephew you are, Chavo. The brawl is broken up again and Vickie starts bitching once more. The fight starts ONE MORE TIME before Triple H just walks away.
 
MVP vs. R-Truth W/ Slammy
 
After the lock-up, MVP beats down R-Truth. Truth recovers with a hip toss, but when he tries to charge P, he gets thrown across the ring. MVP scores some quick strikes for 1. A chinlock follows. Truth tries to escape, but MVP takes him down for 1. A back suplex follows and it gets 2. MVP goes to the camel clutch, but after a bit, Truth escapes, only to get powerslammed for 2. MVP tries to go for a Samoan drop, but Truth rolls him up for 3.
WINNER: R-Truth.
 
MVP grabs a mic and bemoans his lack of money, tunnel, and wins, but says he still has pride and is still richer than everyone here. Um, dude? How can you still have pride after being beat by James Mason and his God-awful tights? Mr. Kennedy comes out to tell MVP he should be happy. And what better to make him happy than his shitty new movie? At least I can't see Kennedy's creepy goatee. I swear, I think I can see every individual hair on that thing. The Cutting Edge with not-so-special guest Matt Hard y comes later tonight.
 
The Brian Kendrick W/ Ezekiel Jackson and Incredibly Addictive Entrance Music vs. Primo W/ Carlito and Stereotypical Hispanic Facial Hair
 
Primo trips up Kendrick, who recovers to armdrag Primo. Primo does the same, then trips up Kendrick again when he charges him. Kendrick fights back with an armbar, but Primo escapes with a series of armdrags and a dropkick. Kendrick slaps Primo, then runs to hide behind Zeke. Once the two are back in the ring, Primo gets Kendrick in the corner, only to have him escape with a series of kicks. Kendrick chokes Primo on the ropes for 2, then works a camel clutch. Primo punches out, only to get shoved into the ropes agian. Kendrick chokes Primo for a bit before going back to the camel clutch. Kendrick goes for a running knee, but Primo dodges and hits a snap suplex for 2. Kendrick counters by kneeing Primo in the face. The two exchange punches until Primo kicks Kendrick in the face. Some lucha offense follows and a springboard crossbody gets 2. Primo tries to go up top, but Zeke distracts him by throwing Carlito into the steel steps. Kendrick kicks Primo in the face and gets an inside cradle for the win.
WINNER: The Brian Kendrick.
 
A replay of the Trips-Hardy brawl earlier tonight. As announced last week, Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy # Infinity is our main event tonight.
 
Hurricane Helms vs. US Champion Shelton Benjamin (Non-Title Match)
 
Shelton scores a fireman's carry takedown, then attacks Helms in the corner. Helms escapes and goes up top, only to get dropkicked on his way down. Shelton kicks him out of the ring, then throws him back in so he can work a chinlock. Shelton follows up with a neckbreaker for 2. Shelton starts to work another chinlock until transitioning to an armlock. Helms kicks his way out, then hits some clotheslines. The shining wizard attempt misses and Shelton hits a backbreaker for 2. Helms tries to roll-up Shel ton for 2. Helms goes up top, knocks off Shelton when he tries to bring him down, and hits a crossbody for the win.
WINNER: Hurricane Helms and his Jesus hair. Where's Brutus Beefcake when you need him?
 
Tazz pops up to ask Helms what it's like to be back. Helms says it's time for a new United States champion. The Cutting Edge is next.
 
Edge is in the ring, thankfully without his beard. At least someone on Smackdown can find the shaving cream. Edge accuses Triple H of attacking Jeff before Survivor Series and brings out Matt Hardy. Matt takes a seat and right off the bat, he says he knows it's Edge who attacked Hardy. Edge tries to defend himself, but Matt just fires off some insults. Edge rattles off a list of people who could've attacked Jeff, but Matt shuts him down. With no other option, Edge does the obvious and points out if it weren't for Jeff, nobody would care about Matt. Thank you, Edge. 'Bout time someone other than me said it. Matt punches Edge, but Kozlov comes down and kicks Matt in the face. Headbutts and a chokeslam/Rock Bottom thing follow.
 
The Great Khali W/ Runjin Singh W/ Khali's Slammy vs. Curt Hawkins & Zach Ryder (Handicap Match)
 
Hawkins and Ryder try to attack Khali, but he just swats them away. The rest of the match is all Khali, with the big guy chokebombing Ryder onto Hawkins for the win.
WINNER: The Great Khali.
 
The Bella Twins vs. Maryse and Natalya
 
Nikki starts off working a waistlock on Maryse before tossing her across the ring by her hair. Maryse tags in Natalya, who gets tripped up by Nikki. Tag to Brie, who gets a roll-up for 2. Natalya tosses Brie out of the way, then hits a clothesline for 2. Tag to Maryse, who hits a side slam/backbreaker combo for 2. A chinlock is followed by an inverted legsweep that also gets 2. Another chinlock leads to a tag to Natalya, who gets tripped up (again!) by Brie. Tag to Nikki, who comes in with a HOUSE OF F IYAH! before Natalya rams her into the corner. Nikki blocks a corner charge and tries for a crossbody, but Natalya catches her. While the ref is distracted by Maryse, Brie kicks Natalya over while she is still holding Nikki. This, by some grace of God, gets 3.
WINNERS: The Bella Twins.
 
A quick Armageddon run-down is followed by....
 
Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy W/O Facepaint
 
The two go back to brawling, with Jeff taking control. When Trips starts to fight back, Jeff knocks him outside with a low dropkick, then leaps out onto him. Trips is thrown into the steel steps, then has Jeff dive onto him again. The two get back into the ring and Triple H hits a clothesline.
 
Back from the commercial break, Triple H is still beating on Jeff. A toss into the corner gets 2. Jeff recovers and clotheslines Triple H over the ropes, then dives onto him again. Once the two are back in the ring, Trips dodges a Stinger Splash and covers for 2. A big vertical suplex is followed by a knee drop for 2. A chinlock is followed by a headlock. Jeff manages to fight out, only to get facebustered for 2. HHH tosses Jeff outside and bounces his head off the announce table. Trips tosses Jeff bac k in the ring only to get clotheslined. Jeff hits 3 more clotheslines for 2. A legdrop/dropkick combo gets 2. Triple H comes back with a Double A spinebuster for 2.  HHH goes for the pedigree, but Jeff wriggles free and hits the Whisper in the Wind for 2. Jeff hits a facebuster suplex and goes up top, but Trips knocks him down. Triple H goes for the pedigree, but Jeff counters with a big back body drop and goes for the swanton, only to miss. Edge sneaks in the ring and spears both men.
WINNER: No Contest.
 
Well, that caps off another edition of the Lowdown on Smackdown. I hate to say I won't be joining you next week, as I will be out of town. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't vote for me as Writer of the Year! YEAH BABY!

SEND FEEDBACK TO SHANE STEELE
 
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (12/26/08) 

Hello everybody! Shane Steele is back with The Lowdown on Smackdown! Sorry about missing last week. I was vacationing in Orlando and I wasn't able to access the awesomeness that is YouTube. In retrospect, I didn't miss that much. But tonight looks better, right?
 
Well, it did until Triple H (with Sledgie) started for the ring. Must he begin or end every Smackdown? Trips says there are some things you don't do, which segways into footage of Kozlov attacking him at Armageddon. Then he says Vladimir will pay, which leads to footage of Triple H beating the snot out of Kozlov last week. Maybe it's a good thing I wasn't there. I probably would've blown a gasket. Triple H calls out Kozlov to finish things, but instead we get...Chavo Guerrero? Chavo says that Vick ie told him that if Trips does anything to Kozlov or interferes in any matches, he'll be taken out of the Rumble and never get another title shot. Please disobey those orders, Trips. Instead, he goes for the easy "Vickie's fat" joke and calls Chavo a gopher. Um, badger. As I've said, he looks like a badger. Trips calls Chavo out now and Chavo tries to walk away, but EXCUSE ME! It's Vickie, here to order a Triple H-Chavo Guerrero match. Yay?
 
Triple H vs. Chavo Guerrero
 
Chavo starts off with a few punches, but Trips fires back and tosses him from the ring. After he throws Chavo back in the ring, Chavo nails a dropkick on the re-entering Triple H. He charges Trips again, only to get hit with a facebuster. Chavo bounces back with a rolling liger kick and attempts to remove the turnbuckle padding. While the ref tries to reattach it, Chavo grabs a chair, tosses it to Trips, and plays possum. Trips solves the impending problem by tossing the chair from the ring. Epic fail, Chavo. The Double A spinebuster and The Pedigree follow.
 
WINNER: Triple H.
 
Far better stuff to come tonight, with Jeff Hardy vs. Big Show as the main event, Maryse vs. Michelle McCool for the Divas title later tonight, and Hurricane Helms vs. Shelton Benjamin for the US title next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Rob Pattinson = Chris Jericho lookalike.
 
Kizarny promo. I don't give a shit, when is he debuting already? Oh. Next week. Thank you, promo.
 
US Champion Shelton Bejamin vs. Hurricane Helms
 
Shelton starts things off with a waistlock. Helms manages to counter with an armdrag. A series of moves from Helms ends with a clothesline that sends Benji over the ropes and out of the ring. Helms ascends to the top turnbuckle (and not heaven as his Jesus hair would imply) and lands a crossbody on Benjamin. Once back in the ring, Helms gets in a pair of roll-ups that each get 2 before landing a senton that also gets 2. Helms leaps onto Shelton's shoulders, only to get powerbombed into the corner for 2 . COMMERCIALS!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: If it's not tight, it's not right.
 
Shelton is working the neck now with a chinlock. Helms escapes, but Shelton hits a neckbreaker for 2. A chinlock-body scissors combo follows until Helms punches out and stomps on Shelton's groin. Another roll-up gets 2, as does the Nightmare on Helms Street that follows. The shining wizard attempt is blocked by Shelton, but Helms counters it into a hurricarana for 2. Shelton misses from the top rope and Helms is able to hit the shining wizard, but Shelton kicks out at 2. A dragon whip from Shelton is f ollowed by Paydirt for the win.
 
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Shelton Benjamin.
 
A quick recap of Hardy winning the WWE championship and partying like it's 1999. Then we get a bizarre promo in which Jeff's Ninja Turtle-like face proclaims Big Show will drown in a sea of screams. Turtle power?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Was the guy with no preference saying both burgers tasted the same?
 
The Brian Kendrick W/ Ezekiel Jackson vs. Carlito W/ Primo and The Bella Twins
 
Kendrick starts of pounding on Carlito, but Carlito manages to escape with an elbow. Kendrick knocks Carlito off the turnbuckle for 2. Some sort of submission follows. It was kind of an armbar/chinlock. Carlito escapes to hit a knee to the face, followed by a clothesline and a springboard elbow. Kendrick rolls out of the ring and when Primo comes to taunt, Zeke shoves him on his ass. PWNED! Kendrick comes back in to kick Carlito in the head and go for The Kendrick, but Carlito reverses into a backstabber for the win.
 
WINNER: Carlito.
 
Tribute to the Troops recap. The Miz's MySpace has this awesome photo of Miz and Morrison posing with the troops with some guns. It's awesome and hilarious. Why can't they ever show that?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Don't be sad, Ron. You can always leave up your decorations like a redneck.
 
Edge is pissed Jeff is champ and whines about it to Vickie in her office. Big Show barges in and explains to Edge that he wasn't fooling around with Vickie. The thought probably never even crossed Show's mind. Edge wants to know if Show will take out Hardy. Big Show complies, but only if he gets a title shot. Vickie agrees and Edge goes into hysterics.
 
Maria is in ref attire and-wait a minute, when was she made special guest referee? Now Michelle's here and they're...hugging? WTF? Wasn't Michelle mega-pissed at her a few weeks ago? Maria says she'll call the match down the line and Michelle warns her not to screw it up. I am so confused. Divas title match is next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Paul Blart, Mall Cop actually looks funnier than I thought it would be.
 
Maryse vs. Divas Champion Michelle McCool (Special Guest Referee Maria): BATTLE FOR THE BUTTERFLY BELT
 
Michelle starts things off with a headlock, then follows with a clothesline-legdrop combo for 1. Maryse rebounds by working an armbar, only to have Michelle reverse it into an armdrag that gets 1. A dropkick from Michelle gets 2. Maryse works over Michelle in the corner, then hits a facecrusher legsweep for 2. A chinlock follows. Michelle escapes and kicks Maryse in the face for 2. Maryse bounces back with a clothesline, but misses an elbow drop. Michelle lands a neckbreaker after some dropkicks for a close 2. Maryse counters a powerbomb attempt into a pinning combination. Michelle argues with Maria before getting kicked in the back of the head by Maryse. Maryse covers for...the win? YES!
 
WINNER AND NEW DIVAS CHAMPION: Maryse. Finally! The hottness is here and the notness is gone.
 
Michelle proceeds to kick the shit out of Maria, finally getting her some much deserved "You suck!" chants. She beats the crap out of Maria for what seems like forever before finally leaving.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: DEAR GOD, SHAMWOW. Help. Me. Now.
 
Umaga is returing soon. Fine by me. Just don't let him wrestle Mr. Kennedy again. Yeah, I still remember that match. Ugh. Nerve holds.
 
MVP vs. The Great Khali W/ Runjin Singh
 
MVP rolls out of the ring, stands there looking off sadly into the distance, then gets back in the ring. Reflecting on his losing streak? Nah. Mourning the loss of the tunnel? Definitely. MVP tries to punch Khali, but Khali blocks and beats the crap out of MVP until getting his leg caught in the ropes. MVP kicks the leg, then tries to work the arm to no avail. A corner kick connects before MVP tries to charge Khali, only to get brain chopped. A Punjabi Plunge seals it.
 
WINNER: The Great Khali.
 
Mr. Kennedy and his somewhat-toned down goatee appear. He proceeds to mock MVP to the delight of just about no one, getting booed when he brings up his upcoming DVD. MVP mimics everyones reaction to said DVD by attempting to get up, only to fall back down in the pain of unconciousness. COMMUNISM sees action next.
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Please tell me they mean old school Twilight Zone.
 
Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Vladimir Kozlov
 
Kozlov throws around Jimmy before he's able to counter with a spinning kick. Jimmy goes up top, but as he comes down, Kozlov headbutts him. A chokeslam-like move gets the pin.
 
WINNER: Kozlov. Kozlov goes on to say he'll win the Royal Rumble, go on to Wrestlemainia, and win a title. Yeah. In my Communist dreams.
 
Backstage, Edge tries to wish Big Show good luck, but Show calls shenanigans and say's he'll do what Edge can't do. Um, eat an entire pizza?
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: The My Bloody Valentine remake looks awesome.
 
RAW recap. I thought it was hilarious that Orton won by default.
 
Big Show vs. ... COMMERCIALS!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Size really doesn't matter.
 
...WWE Champion Jeff Hardy (Wow, never thought I'd write that. Oh yeah, it's non-title too)
 
Apparently, as Edge and Vickie inform us from backstage, a Show win tonight would only get him a #1 contender's match with Edge next week. Hardy goes for Show's leg, but Show tosses him away and starts to beat the crud out of him. Show rips Hardy's shirt off (dirty boy!) and slaps the crap out of his chest. A cobra clutch toss connects as we go to...COMMERCIALS!
 
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Well, yeah the kid's pissed. Being dead kinda sucks.
 
Show is working a nerve hold. SHADES OF UMAGA! Jeff punches a few times, only to get headbutted for his efforts. A clothesline gets 2. More nevre holdy goodness, only this time it's followed by a pin attempt for 2. Another cover gets 2. Jeff dodges an elbow drop, then manages to run straight into a bear hug. Jeff escapes and hits a pair of Whisper in the Winds, followed by a Swanton bomb. Show kicks out at 2, then goes for a chokeslam, but Jeff reverses into a DDT. Jeff dropkicks Show out of the ring, then dives onto him. At a count of 7, Jeff makes it back in the ring and stays there as Show is counted out.
 
WINNER BY COUNTOUT: Jeff Hardy.
 
Apparently, Edge won't face Show next week, but Vickie informs us Edge and Show will team up to face The Hardys. Fun? Hardly. I hate Matt so much.
 
Well, this caps off another grand edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown. Until I return next year (get it? Funny, right?), check out the other stuff on the site. Oh, and, FREAKIN' VOTE FOR ME IN THE TWF WRITER OF THE YEAR POLL! Come on guys, I'm like 2 points out of third! Third place at least gets mentioned or something, right? THERE IS NO REWARD FOR 4th. VOTE FOR SHANE STEELE!

SEND FEEDBACK TO SHANE STEELE

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).