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SmackDown Rant Archive (December 2007)

December 07, 2007
December 14, 2007
December 21, 2007

  Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (12/07/07) 

Show begins with Teddy Long who is the GM of Smackdown...and Vickie is still his assistant. Why the fuck? Anyway, Long announces Rey-MVP for the US Title at Armageddon and starts talking about the Triple Threat main event at the PPV between Batista, Taker, and Edge for the title when Edge comes down to the ring, still to the tune of Alter Bridge, unfortunately. Because nothing says vicious backstabbing scumbag like ALTER BRIDGE. Edge says something about redemption, so Long answers "You want redemption, playa?! Well tonight you're gonna get it...against KANE!" I guess Taker couldn't make it. At least they're finally acknowledging that Edge was feuding with Kane before his injury, and it was in fact Kane who fucking injured him to begin with. Graphic now for the VIP Lounge later with... Michael Hayes! Yes, the old Hardy Boyz manager! Boy I can't wait. We also get another graphic with the caption Batista In Action Tonight. What a momentous event! That's code but not really for "yeah, there isn't shit on tonight. Now stay tuned to see Batista squash some dude for the millionth time. Bitch." Commercials!
This should just be permanently renamed "The Better Late Than Never Smackdown Rant"
Back and the Miz and John Morrison are out with seperate entrances because they have such big egos! Out next is Jesse and Festus and the singer for Morrison's faux Jimi Hendrix is the same guy who sings "Biscuits and Gravy". Apparently on ECW a couple weeks ago Miz and Morrison cheated to beat ole Biscuits and Gravy, so now they're out for revenge. The tension is clear as Festus stares at his feet with his tongue hanging out and Jesse's face is it's usual wide eyed, carbon copy of that blond guy from Queer Eye.
WWE Tag Team champions Miz & John Morrison vs Jesse & Festus, nontitle
Festus immediately goes from docile, quietly depressed retard you try to force yourself to feel a little bad for and try to ignore into enraged animal retard that when you see snap at a restaurant when he's told they don't have macaroni you wonder why they don't just execute them all like they do in China as his mom and three waiters try to restrain him. This runs Morrison out of the ring and Jesse decides maybe he'd better start things off so they don't get stuck with a shitty count out victory. The Miz decides to start for his team because Jesse is about the only wrestler on the roster Miz could have a somewhat believably competetive match with. Jesse dominates MIz with arm drags and other basic wrestling stuff. Miz gets a quick Irish whip in towards a waiting Morrison on the ropes with his elbow out, but Jesse slides out under his legs and yanks him down, sending Mr Nitro in Disguise...in face first into the apron. Jesse then quickly ascends the turnbuckle and gets a high crossbody on Miz and pins him for two. Miz gets the edge from here and gets some punches in before tagging Morrison who gets an Orton modified backbreaker but keeps his head locked and followed it up with a quick neckbraker for a nearfall. Morrison then makes a mistake and tags in Miz who locks Jesse in a headlock which Jesse immediately gets out of and tries to get to Festus, but Miz drags him back. He then misses an elbow drop and Jesse nails him with an enziguri and Festus gets the hot tag. Festus lays out Miz with a series of wild punches and elbow strikes. He picks Miz up and whacks Morrison off the apron with Miz's legs before slamming Miz. He follows that up with a flapjack and a boot and tags in Jesse who goes up top. Miz makes a tag to Morrison, so Festus mauls Miz and they both go tumbling out of the ring. Morrison then charges Jesse on the turnbuckle and knocks him off and pins for three.
Winners : Miz and John Morrison
In the back now and Elijah Burke is with a very ugly black woman who looks to be a new interviewer. Apparently Burke will be the one getting pinned by Batista tonight. She tells him Batista said Burke is the last thing on his mind. Burke gets all serious and talks directly to Batista, "Batista, when I beat you tonight, I'm gonna be the only thing on your mind", but stares the woman in the eyes the whole time and never even looks at the camera. Commercials.
I wish John Morrison would have worn blue tights, then I could've been all "John Morrison is out in roadhouse blue pants".
Back and we get a video showing Edge's Mardi Gras celebration from a few months ago where Kane put him out after a VICIOUS back body drop. Back to the action, Batista is out first and he's followed by Elijah "Burko" according to Justin Roberts.
World Heavyweight Champion Batista vs Elijah Burke, nontitle
Elijah starts off by overpowering Burke into the corner and hits him with a shoulder thrust and clothesline. He then sends him into the opposite corner and nails another clothesline and runs at him again for a third. Burke somehow sees this coming though, and stops Batista's charge with a dropkick to his knee. Burke leaves the ring and slams Batista's leg into the ringpost. Back in and Elijah does his amazing corner handstand into elbow drop. I always hold my breath during that move, I can't fucking WAIT for him to go falling way out of the ring one day. Burke then tries to lock Dave's legs in a submission hold but Batista just kicks him off and gets up. Burke ducks a punch and then chops Batista's hamstring, sending him back down to the mat and gets a two count. Burke then goes up to the second rope and waits for Batista to get up. He then signals for the 4-Up fist drop but Batista caught him and slammed him down with a quick spinebuster, to which Cole exclaimed "What an awesome spear!" Batista then hits a big bomb for the win.
Winner : Batista
They show us the replay of Batista's "spear" like three times. During the replays, Cole backtracks and says "It's like a spear and spinebuster and, and everything all rolled into one!" JBL puts it over like it's the new Foley fall and calls it incredible.
In the back Jamie Noble is hitting on Michelle McCool. He says he knows she can feel the sparks between them, to which McCool quips "Those aren't sparks - that's me getting nautious!" Jesus. She then calls him short like three times and says Palumbo's a real man because he doesn't shop at the Baby Gap for clothes. Yeah, fuck you for being average human size, Jamie! Noble then makes a deal with her, if he beats Palumbo tonight she has to go on a date with him. She confidently agrees, despite Noble beating Palumbo the past two consecutive weeks. Didn't they do this exact fucking storyline like three years ago between Noble and Billy Gunn with Torrie Wilson? If I remember right, it ended with a foursome in a hotel between those three and Nidia. I am not looking forward to see how this storyline will play out. Commercials!
Fuck you, I LIKED the Angle family Thanksgiving skits.
Back and we get even more replays of Batista's "spinebuster spear". JBL says "Welcome to the big leagues!" like four times. Jamie Noble is out now wearing a "Noble 2 Pulambo 0" shirt. JBL and Cole put over how stupid he is for not knowing how to correctly spell a strange Italian name. Palumbo is out next riding on his motorcycle. That's seriously all the depth there is too his gimmick. He likes bikes.
Jamie Noble vs Chuck Palumbo, Unfortunate Nostalgia Match
Palumbo starts off with nothing special. Noble gets in a couple punches until a swift belly to belly from Palumbo stops that shit. He slams Noble in the corner but misses a running boot. Noble up with the crossbody but gets caught and Palumbo flattens him with a Samoan drop. He follows his up by missing an elbow drop and as both men are down McCool gets on the apron and takes off her shirt to reveal...a slightly shorter shirt beneath. This still mesmerizes Noble who stands and starts making smalltalk until Palumbo gets up and throws her down. He then...starts making smalltalk of his own with Michelle. Great fucking plan, Chuck. During this, Noble rolls him up for three.
Winner : Jamie Noble
Required Listening: Teenage Riot by Sonic Youth
Not commercials. VIP Lounge time! MVP starts off by saying he watched WCCW all the time as a kid. Yeah, I bet they got all sorts of Texas wrestling shows in 1980 Miami. We then get a highlight video promoting the new WCCW DVD, where Michael Hayes is prominently featured dancing like a fag. Like half the video was spent talking about the von Erichs dying. MVP then introduces Michael "PS" Hayes, who enters to a song that's not Freebird to a reaction that's not deafening. Or audible. They immediately start to argue over whether Hayes should sit or stand. P then says standing is cool and asks him to talk about WCCW. Hayes proceeds to give us a public service message about not doing drugs because look at what happened to the von Erichs. What the fuck is this DVD, an after school special with slightly more dropkicks? He then flatly says the DVD's purpose is to teach people to say no to drugs, which gets a louder pop than his entrance. MVP then backs this up and says PS looks good for his age. Hayes takes exception and asks how old P is. P says all he needs to know is that he's a lot younger Hayes. Hayes says "tru dat, tru dat, but can you tell time?" MVP says sure in ebonics after talking about bling or something, and Hayes says "Good, then you can tell it's time for this 49 year old to drop you 20 year old." Isn't MVP like 35? Anyway, P insists on keeping it professional to calm him down, and Hayes says that's fine as long as they get to talk about saying no to drugs so they can save some people's lives. Seriously. MVP ignores this and starts asking him about Matt Hardy. Hayes says P's gonna be in trouble when Hardy returns and he's gonna lose his US title to Rey. MVP gets pissed and calls him the 3rd wheel of the Freebirds. Ooooh, I bet that would've stung twenty-five years ago! Hayes goes nuts and starts talking about yesterday and tomorrow and says he's about to whip his ass. He then gingerly takes off his coat and sets it on the couch, looking away from MVP. P then hits him, "a cheap shot", even though Hayes was the instigator, and they brawl for a minute before P lifts him up for a back body drop. He then hit a running knee to his head and hits the Playmaker. O but wuz dis, Rey Mysterio's music hits and he runs to the ring and hits a shoulder thrust from the apron and a seated senton into punching. They brawl around until MVP escapes and leaves up the ramp. Commercials.
Requested Listening : Misty Mountain Hop by Led Zeppelin
Back to the same fucking Mardi Gras thing we already saw like twenty minutes ago. Batista tells Anastascia he's ready to go to war at Armageddon, Raw Rebound, Finlay breaks the antennae off of the greaser's car, and lots more shit you couldn't give a fuck about lead us into the next set of commericals.
I made a myspace because I got tired of wasting time without people knowing about it.
Back to the recap of Finlay/Horny vs the greasers last week, which the Irishmen won. Tonight it's Deuce and Finlay one on one.
Finlay w/Hornswoggle vs Deuce w/Domino, Cherry, and car
Deuce starts off still enraged over the car thing so he's just wildly throwing punches. Finlay dominates him with his usual headlocks and shoulderblocks. Short clothesline and ass slam gets Finlay a one count. Domino chases Hornswoggle under the ring and Finlay gets distracted, only to turn around and get decked by Deuce for two. Deuce with a headlock and the crowd starts in with a Finlay chant for him to break it. Jesus, Finlay's been nothing but heel since his debut, he fucked up Rey Mysterio like two weeks ago, and he's still more over than 90% of the faces. Finlay gets out but Deuce leaps up and hits a nice kick to his face. During this, Hornswoggle reemerged from under the ring brandishing a fire extinguisher and he sprayed Cherry and Domino. Domino chases Horny into the ring and grabs the fire extinguisher from him, but the ref takes it from him since assaultin a manager with a weapon results in a DQ. Just ask the SD!vsRaw video game. During this distraction, Finlay leveled Deuce with the shileighleigh for the win.
Winner : Finlay
After the match, the greasers double team Finlay and Khali comes down to hit him with a big boot and the vicegrip. They'll be facing eachother at Armageddon. Commercials.
Nerve hold - The sleeper hold for fat people.
Back to a promo for the new Shawn Michaels DVD. I really can never tell what guys are supposed to be good looking or whatever, but Jesus HBK is ugly. Edge and Kane are up next and Batista will be doing commentary, and just to make it uncomfortable enough that he'll never be asked to do it again, he's doing it sopping wet and still in his short-ass tights despite his match being well over an hour ago. Edge is out first and he addresses Vickie. He tells her to get well soon and...HE LOVES HER. Nobody cares as we go to more commercials.
Is Drew McIntyre dead or what?
Back and Kane is out. He starts off in control with punches in the corner and a snake eyes on Edge. He then starts to work over Edge's recently healed left shoulder and rams it into the ringpost. He wraps Edge's left arm around the bottom rope for four seconds, the stands Edge up and does the same around the top rope. Uppercut lays Edge out and he goes back to working the shoulder on the ground. Irish whip and Edge comes back right into a back elbow from Kane, but Kane misses an elbow drop. SHADES OF CHUCK PALUMBO~! As Kane was on the ground, Edge came off the ropes and dropkicked the prone Kane to the outside. Commercials!
I would never name my kid Rick.
Back and Kane has been dominating. He spears Kane in the corner and then locks in a...heimlich maneuver. Kane gets out and whips Edge but he avoids the back body drop with a kick to the chest. Kane shakes it off and hits some clotheslines on Edge in opposite corners. SHADES OF BATISTA~! What is with all the identical spots from earlier matches? Side slam and Kane goes up but Edge is up on the turnbuckle to greet him with punches. Kane however hammers him off and jumps...and still misses the fucking clothesline. Edge goes for the spear but runs right into a big boot and Kane signals for the chokeslam. Goozle but Edge gets out. Kane gets Edge in the corner but Edge blocks a charge and comes off the top but Kane catches him with a big uppercut. Kane goes up top and this time manages to fulfill his standard flying chokeslam quota of one and, satisfied, looks to wrap things up with a chokeslam. However, when goozled, Edge dives over the top ropes to the outside and this hurts Kane who wanders to the other side of the ring in pain. Edge then grabs a chair and returns to the ring and the bell immediately rings for the DQ. The fuck. Edge doesn't care and charges Kane but he boots it into Edge's face and then picks up the chair and whacks him with it. He then goes out and hurls those big heavy steps into the ring as if they were hollow or something. He tries to hit Edge with them as he was getting up, but Edge drop toe holds him into it. SHADES OF RAVEN~! Spear and now Edge is ready to finish Kane by laying his head on the steps and picking up the chair. SHADES OF LAST SURVIVOR SERIES~! But Batista gets in the ring and they stare eachother down, Edge with the chair and Batista with amazing spearing spinebustering abilities. Just then the lights go out, and when they come back on Taker has Edge by the throat...and proceeds to get speared by Batista. Edge rolls out of the ring and scurries up the ramp as Teest stares him down from the ring. Why the FUCK doesn't Taker just jump guys in the dark? END SHOW.
Hey neat, it's Superman! : Edge and Kane was good, always nice to hear from Burke and see him wrestle, and P is always good on the mic, even if nobody will still buy the WCCW DVD.
Why the fuck is Aquaman here? : Hideous new announcer and rehashing of midcard storylines from three years ago featuring THE SAME DAMN GUY.
Hey, remember Street Sharks? : Remember when guys actually got interview time to further their characters? Why don't they do that anymore? Like, ever? The only time anyone ever has an interview is to build hype for a match. Why not talk not only about that one match, but what they're going to do after or what they hope to accomplish wrestling in the first place? All I'm saying is, Chuck Palumbo might be a lot more over if he had more to him than "i liek motorbikes, vroom!".

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (12/14/07) 

Animated video welcomes us to Smackdown, as does Edge afterwards in his goofy ass hoodie over tights ensemble. He's on the ramp with a mic and introduces Vickie Guerrero. She's out sporting a neckbrace and wheelchair being pushed by Teddy Long who, despite his announcement of being "The REAL GM of Smackdown, playa!" last week is, in fact, the assistant GM under Vickie Guerrero. And speaking of Lita Lite, she is still hurt from the Undertaker tombstoning her in the ring like a month ago, because what can keep a man down for three seconds could very possibly cripple a woman. Stupid Vickie getting in the ring without even building up her neck muscles first. Anyway, Edge asks her how she feels and she says she's mentally scarred from being attacked. What, does she expect Undertaker to be punished for assaulting a woman? Vickie's obviously not very familiar with the sad chronicles of Debra Austin. She then has an announcement to make, all three men in the World Title triple threat match this Sunday at Armageddon will be in action tonight - starting with Edge~! Edge, being an idiot, is confused and angry at being put in a match. He reluctantly enters the ring and waits until Funaki's music hits and Edge finally gets the score.
Edge vs Funaki
Funaki ducks a clothesline and slaps Edge in the face, then nails a drop toehold on the Thupastha, TM Molly Shannon. Edge up quick though and takes Funaki down with a big boot. Funaki comes back with a quick bulldog though and goes for a tornado DDT but Edge throws him off halfway through and edjecutes him, setting up for the spear which connects and gives Edge the upset victory. Upset if this was 1998 and Edge was Brian Christopher, I mean.
Winner : Edge
Vickie then announces Batista vs Kane in a Last Man Standing match and Undertaker vs Mark Henry and Big Daddy V. Commercials.
SDvsRAW2008 for Wii - It looks fun, so you can maybe get hot girls play with you! Try to pull that shit with a PS3 or 360, though, and you're gonna be watching Ashley Masarro's entrance video by yourself for a while.
Back to "Diva tag team action", which isn't even close to as watchable as it sounds. First out is Michelle McCool who has a black eye and "Faith" written across the crotch of her pants. We then get shown what happened backstage last week after Jamie Noble won a date with her after beating Chuck Palumbo. Apparently good ole Chuckie pulled an Austin (Two in one night - you're welcome) and snapped, blaming McCool for his loss and flipping shit over and, presumably, giving Michelle a little help with her eye shadow. Oh yeah, and the reason she has Faith written on her pants is to show Chuck she has faith in him. I think not reporting his ass for fucking battery shows that enough. YOU CAN CHANGE HIM, MICHELLE! YOU JUST GOTTA HAVE FAITH!
Oh yeah, her partner is Kelly Kelly, who McCool saved from a two on one beatdown on ECW this week at the hands of their opponents tonight, Victoria and Layla.
Michelle McCool & Kelly Kelly w/ big mongoloid boyfriends vs Victoria w/ big dikey boyfriend & Layla w/o afro due to her skin color being "light enough for her to get over"
McCool starts things off with a headlock takedown on Victoria, but Victoria regains the edge with some shouldering and whipping. McCool reverses a whip to the corner by doing a backflip, then pausing for about a full minute and then hitting a loose armdrag. This gets two, and with McCool having already used every move in her arsenal, she just gives up winning tonight and tags in Kelly. Kelly shows off what originally got her hired. No, not by removing her top - she got those implanted to keep from getting fired. No, I'm talking about her TECHNICAL PROWESS, of course! She locks in a long, awkward armwrench on Victoria, but Barbie draws a blank, so she gets thrown to the corner. She manages to block a charging Victoria and somewhat hits a second rope crossbody for two. Victoria gets the tag to Layla who cleverly hides her embarrassing ring skills by laying in with some stomps. Tag back to Victoria and she gets Kelly up on her shoulders, but the Queen of Extreme(ly bad promos, matches, and all-around uselessness) escapes and makes the hot tag to McCool, who immediately lands a nice calf kick on Victoria. From the ground, Victoria shoves her into the ropes where Kenny is waiting on the outside to trip her up for Victoria to go for the pin when who else is out to make the save but Chuck Palumbo on his bike! The ref apparently has ADD because Palumbo revving his engine from all the way up on the entrance ramp distracts him, causing him to stop his count at two. Palumbo chases Kenny around ringside on his bike and back up the ramp as McCool stares at the spectacle, appearing to share a similar condition with that of the ref, allowing Victoria to roll her up for three as we go to commercials.
Winner : Victoria & Layla
Get to da choppuh!
Back showing Palumbo having another savage episode backstage, with McCool trying to cool him down. Really bad acting ensues with Palumbo snarling and saying "Damn!" a lot and punching a hole in the wall. Better that than making you look like a raccoon, Michelle.
Back to the action, MVP is on commentary for Rey Mysterio's match. MVP's a brave motherfucker doing guest commentary with JBL. I just hope he doesn't end up like Miz and Morrison and get publicly flogged by Bradshaw for "detracting from the action in the ring by only getting himself over". Because only JBL is allowed to do that. Rey out and he takes a half hour on his entrance waving at the crowd from every possible angle in the ring before Kenny Dykstra makes his way down.
Rey Mysterio vs Kenny Dykstra
Kenny works Rey's arms with wrenches and knees to the shouler and quick submissions, but Rey shows off his expert selling skills by leaping up the turnbuckle, while in an arm hold, and jumping from the top rope, while still not breaking the hold, and taking Kenny down with a headscissors. Irish whip gets Rey another headscissors as Cole blames MVP for Matt's appendix bursting. I didn't realize fucking up a dude's KNEE could have such extensive consequences. Kenny with a whip on Rey and he followed him and slid out of the ring as Rey was coming off the ropes and tripped him. Back in Kenny goes back to working the arm, despite there not being a submission victory in WWE since WM XX. Wait, right, that never happened. Survivor Series 97, then. Rey of course shakes this off and bounces off the ropes but Kenny's got him up for a powerbomb, but Rey reverses into a headscissors sending him into the ropes for the 619 and follows up by Droppin Da Dime for da win.
Winner : Rey Mysterio
MVP in the ring now to congratulate Rey. I've got a good feeling this will end well! He then hands his United States Championship belt to Rey for him to hold, and tells him he could become champ this Sunday. MVP wants the best man to win and extends his hand. Rey says "f dat, ese!" so P says "Dats coo', dats coo" but then fakes a look of surprise at something behind Rey, so Rey turns and gets drilled in the back of the head with the belt. Closeup of Rey sniveling on the mat as we go to commercials.
I really don't know how many points a touchdown is worth. Six or seven, I think.
Back to the Smack of the Night, which is Vickie Guerrero announcing Batista-Kane not half an hour ago. Of all the moments in my life I'd want to rewatch, that's not even in my top FIVE. Last Man Standing time!
World Heavyweight Champion Batista vs Kane, nontitle
Kane starts things off by laying Big Dave out with punches and hits an elbow drop, but Teest gets up and knocks Kane out of the ring. Kane meets Batista on the outside with a stiff uppercut but Batista drives Kane's head into the ringpost and powerslams Kane on that cold, unforgiving gym mat. Kane gets up at the count of five so Batista rolls Kane in the ring, where Kane again is waiting. This time he whips Batista between two corners, hitting a clothesline each time. Side slam follows and Kane goes up for the clothesline but Batista rolls out of the way. Kane gets whipped to a corner for a clothesline and some shoulder thrusts with plenty of excessive grunting reminiscent of the Mayor from the Oblongs. "Whoo-puh, whoo-puh", that whole bit. Anyway. SPINEBUSTA and set up for the Bomb but Kane back body drops Big Teest and hits a chokeslam that keeps him down for an 8 count. Kane then decides he feels like laying down with a guy screaming in his face, so he goes for the mounted punches on Batista in the corner. What could go wrong?! You know, as long as you don't think about the fact that Batista's spending the entire match trying to get you in that exact fucking position to hit his finisher. Batista Bomb keeps Kane down for 8, but Kane was anticipating the "real" main event not ending this early and so he was up on the turnbuckle. Kane however quickly ascends the turnbuckle and headbutts Batista, dazing him for a superplex. Both men up at 9 and they set up for another double count by clotheslining eachother simulatenously as we go to commercials.
I ran into some guys from school tagging under a railroad track bridge last weekend. They were drawing a big mushroom and a picture of a baby with a rocket landing on it with the phrase "Whom would Jesus bomb?" Yeah. I'm walking along the opposite direction of the railroad tracks from now on.
Back to Kane humming Batista over the top rope to the outside. Kane interrupts the count by kicking him in the head and slamming his head into the apron. Batista recovers and picks Kane up to drive him into the ringpost. Batista picks up Kane's CARAWSS and sets up for the Bomb but Kane shoves him into the barrier and then boots him over the top and into the crowd. He gets up at the count of 6 only to be greeted by shots to the head from Kane. Kane goes for a chair and clumsily strolls toward Batista with it held high above his head, but Batista spots a tiny opening out of this predicament and spears him to the floor. Kane gets up at 9 so Batista lays in with frustrated punches and whips Kane toward the steps, but that gets reversed and Batista is down for 8. Kane rips a tv monitor out of the commentator table and smacks Dave in the head with it. 9 count follows as Kane bellows "Stay down!" He puts Big Teest back down with a clothesline and starts tearing apart the table. He then sets the steel steps next to it and steps on them as Batista was getting to his feet. Goozle and Kane looks to drive him through the table but Batista elbows him in the head and hits a shitty spinebuster to Kane on the table. Edge is out of nowhere and immediately spears Batista a second later, so the ref starts the double count. However, Batista gets up at 8 so Edge runs right into a back body drop. Batista is declared the winner.
Winner : Batista
After the match, Edge with a THUNDEROUS chair shot to his back, which puts Batista out since the match is over, and thus chair shots now hurt exponentially more. Seriously, it's a fan law and everything. Commercials
What was that one sitcom about dinosaurs, like people in dinosaur costumes, where the dad was a lumberjack or something? Man, that shit was unwatchable.
Back with Edge asking Vickie Guerrero if he can get her anything. She needs some aspirin and coffee, so Edge barks the order at Long, who scurries off after bowing his head politely. "Yessuh, massuh!" Vickie looks like a fat Melina. If Melina were half horse. Edge proceeds to make out with the horse woman as we go to the Raw Rebound and then commercials
There is nothing redeemable about Jimmy Kimmel.
Back to a recap of Miz and Morrison beating Jesse and Festus last week. Festus, accompanied by Jesse, is out for single competition against the Miz, who is out with Morrison.
Festus w/ Jesse vs WWE Tag Team Champion Miz w/ John Morrison
Bell rings and Festus snaps, shoving the Miz down a lot and landing a splash. Backbody drop and Miz scurries out onto the apron. Festus tries to pull him back in but Miz guillotines him on the ropes and reenters to clip his knee. Weak ass Miz shots now, striking him all over his body randomly. Headlock time but Festus gets out, so Miz trips him and sends him out of the ring. Dropkick through the bottom rope by Miz, who locks in another headlock on Festus when he eventually reenters. Miz gets thrown to a corner and gets caught by Festus with a crossbody attempt. Morrison up on the ropes now yelling or something, so Festus whacks Morrison off with Miz's legs and hits a weak ass F-5 for the win.
Winner : Festus
Teddy Long out now to read an announcement : The Great Khali vs Hornswoggle next. Huge news, HUGE news. Commercials.
Is James Swift the second best recapper ever or what?
Back and Horny is out, followed by Khali. Next is Finlay's music, and Finlay enters the ring and stares down Khali with his shilaylay (spelling it like that from now on since it's the shortest and no matter how I spell it will just be wrong anyway). Finlay then bops him in each knee, but the ref grabs the shilaylay from Finlay, so Finlay just stomps Khali's knee until he falls back into the corner and covers his head as Finlay pounds away on him. Khali's fag manager saves Khali however by grabbing Hornswoggle and saying "Stop or, or I'll hit him! I know how!" Finlay decks him out of the ring and dusts Horny off, only to turn around and get chokebombed. Khali's music plays and he leaves, despite no match ever taking place. I guess that super official announcement Teddy Long read really meant the match was optional. Finlay is selling it like he's out cold as we go to commercials.
Johnny Tsunami vs Torpedo Jones, King of Vegas Match
We're back to see Vince lay down the Ric Flair retirement challenge, thing, and an advert for SD next week, though they never actually said whether Flair would be on next week. McCool and Kelly are talking about Chuck and go into the locker room where they're greeted with a ton of roses and balloons. They fawn over it saying Chuck must really be sorry when Jamie Noble comes in to reveal he left the gifts and he's all smiles until he sees her black eye. He demands to know who did it and that dastardly heel Noble is about to run off to go fight Chuck for striking her before McCool and Kelly reassure him it was an accident and it happened in Europe. He reluctantly accepts this totally complete and reassuring explanation and wants to know if they're still on for tonight. She says they are and all the roses and pinwheels were really sweet. "Sweet"? Oooh, bro, stuck in the friend zone! Burned! No joke, no joke. Right. Anyway, Kelly Kelly invites them on a double date with her and Balls Mahoney but McCool turns it down, making some pun about balls in the process, I'm sure. I don't really know, I was kind of reading. Striker and the SELF-PROCLAIMED fatassed porch monkeys are on the way to the ring next.
For such a cool guy, Robert Plant sure sang about hobbits a lot.
V and Striker are out first, and are then followed by the perenially soggy Henry. JBL insists it's not just a moniker - Mark Henry really is the World's Strongest Man. If he really was the World's Strongest Man, Kurt Angle wouldn't be the only Olympic gold medalist in pro wrestling. I mean, not that he's not a big guy, but the dude won one fucking competition in Ohio and got a free car, that's it. Taker out next, ready to squash him some fat men!
The Undertaker vs Mark Henry & Big Daddy V w/ Matt Striker
V is so glossy looking, I think he has someone to polish his fat. That shit is shiny. Taker starts things off handing out blows, punching Henry in his face and V in his fat, until they both squash him in a corner and start clubbing. V then whips Henry into Taker for a big corner clothesline. Striker then gets up on the apron and has a fucking ten minute conversation distracting V while Taker lays out Henry. V eventually is done being fucked up by his own manager who must have bet against him and turns around into a big boot from Taker. Back to Henry, Taker lays him across the apron and hits his leg drop. V follows Taker outside and picks him up in snake eyes position ready to ram his head into the post but Taker leaps off and shoves V forward into it. Taker goes back in the ring where Henry is waiting with a bearhug. He holds him until V can get in and hit the sorriest looking Samoan drop you've ever seen. We're talking a Guatemalan drop, or whatever place that's shittier than Samoa. Nebraska drop. The two big ole self-proclaimed niggas double whip Taker to a corner and knocks him down, but he kicks from the ground at them. Taker then gets to his feet and lays into them with the "best strikes in the biz" but still, he can't even land a half decent dropkick, and that's why he's not holding a title right now, right Bob Holly? Sure. Jesus this match is horrible. Okay, Taker goes for the double goozle but that somehow gets him fucked up as V and Henry exchange their wide variety of moves, including shoulder thrusts, a splash, an elbow drop, a missed splash, and another elbow drop. Henry then holds Taker in the corner as V splashes them both. V then holds Taker in the corner as it's Henry's turn, but Taker moves and V gets splashed by Henry. Taker then whips Henry and coming back gets chokeslammed for three.
Winner : The Undertaker
After the match, V hits a clumsy clothesline on Taker. Stomps and clubs follow, but Taker comes back with his strikes and knocks out V's mouthguard. V retaliates with a spinebuster and an elbow. Henry gets up at this point and hits a splash. They then pick him up for a double torture rack, and it looks like some kind of horrible, possibly sadistic dance. It's here where I learn, against my will, that Viscera's boobs have boobs. After shaking him for a while, they set him down and Edge comes in. The two self-proclaimed inferior mudbloods are cool with it though because he's heel too, and all heels are part of an evil alliance. Edge does Taker's kneeling pose over him laughing to close out the night. END SHOW.
A, for Awesome : I guess Kane-Batista, but that's sort of by default. I was out of my mind bored all night. However, I will admit, Armageddon is actually looking pretty good.
U, for... is not very good : Everything. Well, Palumbo-Noble might possibly go somewhere, like maybe even a domestic~!, but in the end it's still fucking Palumbo-Noble.
Remember Y? : There were tons of gimmick matches all the time on tv? Cage matches, table matches, not even getting into title matches. And now what, a few last man standing matches a year on Smackdown. What CLASSICS like Taker-Khali or Batista-Kane are! I'm not saying remake ECW, it's overwhelmighly clear they're not gonna do that, ever, but Jesus Christ, I mean have Yang moonsault someone through a table once in a while, what's it gonna hurt? I mean, the Hardyz didn't get over on just the Poetry in Motion and Jeff's wacky hair.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (12/21/07) 

WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH DER DER DER DER DER DER DER DER DER DER. Edge is out with Vicky still in her wheelchair, being pushed by her slave Teddy Long to start things off with a promo.
First off, Edge wants Long to present him with his newly won World Heavyweight Championship, which he does and Edge gets "a mixed reaction". In non-bullshit terms, that means a whole hell of a lot of people are glad the belt's finally away from fucking Batista. Edge thanks Teddy and says his new job suits him well. Teddy says "Thank you, massuh!" and backs away to start playing a gutbucket and humming a cheery gospel song. Edge also thanks all the Edgeheads out there, but would like to thank two Edgeheads in particular (Lita and Vicky?) Turns out it's the Majors, who come down to the ring dressed identical to Edge, crummy fake tattoos and all. Edge says they just did the Major Brother schtick to get signed, but their real goal in wrestling is to emulate their idol Edge, and now that they're with him, they're going to the top. I guess the top means "losing to Batista thirty times before Wrestlemania." He asks them to introduce themselves and they do. Major Tool is really Curt Hawkins, and he likes rock music, long walks on the beach, and sipping a nice mimosa. He then shrugs and flashes a look like "Hey, just saying what they told me to" and hands the mic to Major Douche, who is in actuality Zach Ryder, and he likes hiking with family and cudding with his girlfriend. These guys' heat is already dead. Edge says that's super but the person he'd really like to thank is the love of his life Vicky Guerrero. Hilariously awful montage plays showing them falling in love while Edge was recovering, to cheesy faux Barry Manilow, of course. The part with them seesawing in the park together was the best. Finally, Edge would like to thank Batista for filling in as champion while he was away, but now he can relax and step down. What, is Edge just going to completely ignore all the contributions of The Great Khali while he was away? He CARRIED the brand...straight to the bottom of the Nielsen list. Edge vs Batista for the title later tonight, and with Vicky as GM, what could go wrong?! JBL points this out, but Cole says Batista is really angry and intense today. Just in case you mistakenly thought he was finally off the gas and back to his normal emotions and human body, I guess. Commercials.
I'm not a heavy sleeper. I remain the same weight after I fall asleep.
We're welcomed back by Cole who gives us the grave news that JBL is leaving his post as his partner on the Smackdown announce team to return to in-ring action on Raw. JBL proceeds to berate Cole like only JBL can and affirms that they are not partners or colleagues, and he'll be giving his farewell address tonight. Khali time! He makes his way down to the ring with his manager and tag team partner tonight Ranjin Singh, who is wearing black pants, no shirt, and emulating Khali's actions. They both raise their arms and growl at the foot of the ramp and JBL and Cole are dying laughing at the sight of a shirtless Ranjin. We then get a replay of Finlay-Khali last Sunday, showing Finlay winning with help from Hornswoggle. Finlay and Hornswoggle are out next and it's a tag team match.
The Great Khali & Ranjin Singh vs Finlay & Hornswoggle
Finlay and Khali start things off and Khali controls with chops in the corner and a big boot as Finlay was coming off an Irish whip, or just a whip to Finlay. Big scoop slam on Finlay and Ranjin extends his fist to bump knucks with Khali, but the ref declared it was a tag. Khali hilariously tries to explain they were just bumping knuckles and Cole and JBL are just having fun laughing at Singh refusing to get in the ring. Amidst this Hornswoggle comes around and shanks Ranjin and he falls off the apron struggling to pull his pants up. Khali leans over the ropes to try to help him up and Finlay dumps him out. Finlay then chases Singh around the ring until he's face to face, er, knee, with Hornswoggle! Hornswoggle has a bucket of white feathers which he tosses on Singh, then takes out an umbrella and hides behind it. Confused, Singh turns around and Finlay is there to douse him in water and nail him with the bucket. I think they did that a bit backwards, but whatever. Finlay then rolls him back in the ring, grabs him by his legs, and proceeds to swing him around literally about thirty times as Khali looks on from ringside. He then releases him and sends him flying. Hornswoggle off the ropes for a 2 & 1/2 star frogsplash and pins him for three as Khali continues to stand at ringside smiling.
Winner : Finlay & Hornswoggle
Finlay and Hornswoggle then dance and toss out leprechaun hats to the crowd as Cole tells JBL he's going to miss this. This was the most fun match I've ever seen, everyone was having fun. JBL and Cole were losing their shit seeing their friend the writer Ranjin Singh shirtless in a wrestling match, and even Khali was likeable when he broke character and started laughing at his manager getting pinned. Khali is great when he's not in the title picture or supposed to be taken seriously. Guys couldn't fake being as bad as he is if they tried, it's hilarious. I think he could carve out a great niche as the next comedy wrestler of Doink the Clown proportions! I know it'd possibly hurt the world title's credibility, but no more so than fucking Khali winning it in the first place did. Anyway, commercial time.
TNA has taught me why WWE doesn't like to put much effort in their women's division - It's embarrassing as shit when you're women's division is ten times more fun to watch than the main events.
Back to an advertisement for next week's Smackdown, the greatest matches of 2007, just in case you didn't want to pay for them earlier this year. Flair is out now in a suit, because Smackdown doesn't get to participate in Raw angles. Just look at JBL, he's leaving tonight for touching a guy on Raw. Anyway, Flair talks about how old he is and all he ever wanted was to be the best, and even though he knows he'll eventually be forced to retire because of Vince, it's been a hell of a ride. He has to wrestle the greatest wrestler alive today, HHH, in ten days on Raw. Flair says he wants to wrestle Hunter in his last match. So I guess if he wins we'll be privy to rematch after rematch until HHH beats him? When he first returned to WWE five years ago, HHH reminded him who he was. He knows HHH will bring everything he has to the ring to beat him because there's no sympathy in wrestling. Really, there's not. A double murder-suicide gets one night of tribute, and then the company keeps on trucking without ever another mention. Flair doesn't want him to hold him and wants HHH to bring his best so he'll bring the best out of Flair, because Flair at his best is going to be very hard to beat. Really, it is. Only true legends of the ring like SHELTON BENJAMIN have done so in the past! If Flair loses he'll walk away never to be seen again. But Flair's okay with that because he knows he'll have lost to the best, and will have no regrets. Punk, Rey, & Kane vs V, P, & Henry next.
If I was Lance Cade or somebody, and I was put in a match with Ric Flair, I would go stiff on that motherfucker from the start and get myself a win that even the subsequent firing and lawsuits couldn't take away from me. And you show me a ref that wouldn't count to three with Lance Cade wringing him by the neck.
Maryse reminds us she's still on the payroll by welcoming us back. Isn't she a reject from the Diva Search from two years ago? Rey is out first and he headbutts a bunch of kids wearing who bought his mask. Out next is CM Punk, the pride of ECW, mainly because ECW has nothing else to be pround of anymore, but still. Kane follows. Next is V and Mark Henry with Matt Striker. Looks like they're a regular tag team now. Because clearly, the reason V wasn't getting over is because there simply wasn't enough of him. MVP next with his usual ridiculous amount of upper body accessories. V looks like he's made out of glossy plastic, his fat's reflecting so much light. Henry is his usual sopping wet, and he'll be starting things off with Kane.
Kane, Rey Mysterio & ECW champion CM Punk vs Mark Henry, Big Daddy V, & US champion MVP
Henry overpowers Kane into the corner and lays in with punches and a headbutt, but Kane battles back with hard strikes. Henry whipping Kane into a corner but Kane catches him with an uppercut and takes him to his corner. Punk gets tagged and gets a dropkick and weak elbows but Henry forces him to his corner and tags in MVP. He applies a long headlock on Punk, which Punk escapes only to get knocked down twice by two running shoulder blocks from P, but a third gets him a calf kick STRAIGHT TO THE JAW. Pepsi One attempt follows but P throws him off during the bulldog and looks for the boot but Punk dodges and rolls him up three times. MVP gets frustrated and so calls the heels in, but so are Punk's team and it's a standoff as we go to commercials.
I am the single greatest and most creative Christmas gift giver ever.
Back and it's still Punk and P. P backs Punk up into the corner but the ref makes him break it, allowing Punk to land some kicks and a tag to Rey. Punk holds MVP up as Rey hits a seated senton for two. Kick from Rey keeps P down, but not for long because it's a kick from Rey, and MVP whips Rey. However he hangs on the ropes, so P goes after him and gets a headscissors for his efforts. Tag to Punk but P controls him for a minute and V wants in, so P obliges. Punk off the ropes with forearms but V catches him with a black hole slam. Generic big guy dominating now with great selling from Punk and a tag to Henry leads to more of the same. MVP gets the tag next and lands quick kicks and punches on a downed Punk and pins for two. Tag back to V who starts in with clubbing on Punk, then lifts him up for the gorilla press, and hurls him after holding him up for about twenty seconds. He steps on Punk on his way to tag in P again. MVP applies an armbar and the crowd clapping while Punk battles out spot takes place. Punk gets free but P locks him in a leglock as he was running to tag Kane and drags him back to his corner to tag in Henry. Big Mizark with strikes and stomps in the corner as Punk attempts a comeback by punching every guy in the corner but P quickly gets the tag and stops that shit with a sitting headlock. P getting frustrated starts whipping Punk from side to side while in the headlock, but Punk lands a jawbreaker. Enziguri allows Punk to tag in Kane who takes P down with big strikes. Two clotheslines in the corner and a side slam and Kane turns his attention to the hogs on the apron and he stuns them each with a punch. Flying clothesline connects but V is in and he gets put back with a kick to his fat. Kane tags in Rey and V throws Kane out of the ring. He follows and they exchange chops on the barrier as Rey pins for two. P tags in Henry and he misses a corner charge. Punk comes in and lays out Henry and throws out MVP. Suicide dive through the ropes puts P out on the outside and Rey hits a 619 on Henry inside. Kane back in with a chokeslam and Rey comes off the apron with a springboard splash for the pin and the win.
Winner : Rey, Kane, & CM Punk
The faces celebrate in the ring afterwards with Punk raises his title over Kane and Rey, just to remind them where they really stand. Recap of the main event of Armageddon, showing the Major screwjob and Edge's title win. Commercials.
College sounds weird, whose up for construction work?!
Back to a recap of Jamie Noble winning a date with Michelle McCool after beating Chuck Palumbo two weeks ago. JBL shouts down Cole as he tries to talk about it and says tonight is all about him retiring and threatens to knock Cole out of his seat. Cole gets a really bitchy tone in his voice as he invites us to see what went down last Friday. It's a video of Noble and Palumbo's date, they're at a restaurant which looks like the corner office of Dunder-Mifflin Scranton with a big random column stuck in it. Probably got it cheap at MAWBLE CAWLUMNS. Obscure SNL skits aside, Noble reveals his granny helped him pick his clothes out and that she wants to meet McCool for Christmas dinner. He wants a kiss but the waiter cockblocks him by asking them for their order. Noble orders French fries and other French stuff and the waiter says they don't have it, so Noble gets up and makes some Desert Storm jokes and starts intimidating the guy. Statue of Liberty jokes follow and more French jokes, until the waiter tells him it's an Italian restaurant. Later in the night after they're done eating Noble gives her an early Christmas present - a bottle of Old Spice cologne, so when they're apart she can just spray it and it'll be like he's there! He's full of surprises, it turns out, he likes huntin' and fishin' and reading and magic. And to prove he's no hack, he is going to pull the tablecloth out and leave all the stuff on the table undisturbed. Of course all the shit goes flying off the table and Michelle just stammers and he asks for the check. That was painful. Commercials!
This is going to sound weird, but, Booker T has some strange nipples.
Back to a recap of Festus beating the Miz last week. Now it's time for a "Santa Match" featuring Santa Deuce vs Santa Festus, which I guess is just a regular match, except the guys are in Santa costumes. Deuce is wearing black jeans and his leather jacket over his Santa costume with the sleeves rolled up. Cherry could cut ice with her nipples tonight.
Santa Deuce w/ Regular Domino and Cherry vs Santa Festus w/ Jesse, Santa Match
Festus snaps at the sound of the bell, but Deuce controls with strong kicks and strikes in the corner on Festus, but he just gets thrown off. Domino with the distraction on the apron allows Deuce to choke Festus on the ropes. Festus back up with an UNCONTROLLABLE headlock until Deuce gets out. Battling back and forth with power moves now with Deuce mainly in control, culminating in him dumping him out of the ring. Jesse helps him back in the ring where Festus regains control with a series of big splashes and nearfalls. Domino up on the turnbuckle yelling encouragement but Jesse is up on the apron to shove him off and he takes a huge spill to the outside that would be truly awesome if he didn't land on his feet first and then stumble over. Festus with his weak F-5 for the win.
Winner : Santa Festus
JBL gets up now and his music plays as he prepares for his farewell address as we go to commercials.
Domino is my personal favorite wrestler on Smackdown. Yes, seriously.
JBL has a podium and declares it's a momentous day because it's the last day he'll be on Smackdown, which elicits huge cheers. The good news, he says, is that he'll be making his in-ring return on Raw. Replay of him booting Jericho out of the title picture at Armageddon. He gets pissed off and said Jericho should have apologized, yet instead he had the nerve to call JBL irrelevant. He lists off Jericho's failures outside the ring and says he's not coming to Raw to be part of the roster or be in the opening match in Poughkeepsie, New York or to take part in some swan song, he's coming to headline PPVs and win championships. He's going to win the WWE championship and three years from now people are going to wonder what Y2J was thinking unleashing JBL on them. If this is leading to another ten month title reign, no, fuck that, another title reign period, then JBL is undoubtedly correct here. He is the only WREEEESTLIIIING...GAWD and his music plays as he leaves. Title match next.
Know how we do the Fanny's? That's right, you don't. Bitch.
We're welcomed back by Maryse in comically broken English. Cole introduces Tazz as JBL's replacement tonight, Justin Roberts introduces Batista, and it's like a reunion of people who've failed in the new ECW right now. Edge makes his way to the ring with his full posse in tow : his lackeys, his bitch, and his slave. Vickie announces it's a 3-on-1 Handicap Match for the World Title. But apparently the three guys still have to tag each other in. I mean, she doesn't have THAT much power. Bell rings and Batista shoves down Curt Hawkins. Big clothesline in corner and his spastic kicking/shoulder thrusts. Mounted punches follow but Edge knocks him off from the apron. Hawkins backs Batista into the corner full of Edges and tags in Zack Ryder, who chokes Batista on the ground. Batista gets up and knocks all three guys down and goes for the Bomb but both Edge and Hawkins are in to interfere and lay out big Dave. Zack starts in with stomping on a downed Batista as we go to commercials.
Why does Kevin Thorn even bother?
Back and Edge is the legal Edge now and he's laying in with stomps on Batista. He gets a shoulder thrust in the corner but Batista mounts a comeback with big rights until Edge drops him with a toe hold. Pin for two but Teest kicks out, so Edge applies a laying Heimlich maneuver on him. Batista gets to a kneeling position and then to his feet and breaks the hold. Whip to the corner and a corner clothesline attempt is dodged as Edge moves and propels him onward into a shoulder ram into the ringpost. Edge off the ropes now but Batista hits a huge black hole slam for a nearfall. Edge now crawling to his clones and tags in Zack Ryder, who proceeds to be destroyed by Batista. Hawkins in illegally now and he gets back body dropped. Batista then knocks Edge off the apron and he goes flying into the barricade. Hawkins then gets chucked out of the ring and Ryder comes off the top rope only to get caught by Batista, who plants him with a spinebuster for three. Batista is declared the new world champ, but Vickie gets on the mic and declares the only way he can with the title is to pin Edge as everybody in the arena breathes a simultaneous sigh of relief. Batista pulls Edge in and lays him out. One clone is in and he gets thrown right back out over the top rope and collides with another clone still recovering on the outside. Batista Bomb attempt but one of the clones is back in with a chair to clip the back of Batista's knee with it. DQ makes Batista the winner but Edge remains world champ.
Winner : Batista
Double DDT from the clones to Batista on the chair now and Edge calls for another chair. He lands a one man conchairto, even though he's got two other dudes in the ring so there's really no reason he couldn't just hit a regular one. He raises his title and his clones' hands in victory as his music plays. Edge and the Edgeheads make their way up the ramp, and Edge gets on the mic to say "By the way...Merry Christmas." END SHOW
Merry Christmas : The Khali comedy match definitely, everybody was having so much fun. Even JBL who played up being bitter about everything on the show was busting up laughing. I love moments like that, where even though everything else on the show might be shitty, that shows they all know it sucks and can laugh at it. Even if they might get fired by Big Steph for "laughing in the face at the job of a lifetime" or something equally bitchy and hateful.
Terrible Kwanza : Majors botched push and heel turn. They each get ten seconds of interview time and come off looking like fags. They're all set to become the new Bashams, only this time it's more of a shame since they're actually fun to watch and one of them has charisma. What's wrong with two guys who wanted to hook up with the top guy and form a stable? Why do they have to be creepy stalkers and wear matching fake tattoos? Not to mention they've apparently lost all the wrestling ability they once possessed and exchanged it for stomping and slow, deliberate double axe handles that were obviously never meant to be anything more than reversed into sloppy spinebusters.
Arbor wha? : Remember when there were more than two guys at any one time vying for the world title? Well, not anymore! Taker's gone again because, you know, can't make the title scene THAT varied. And with talk of Batista winning the Rumble and becoming either Raw or Smackdown world champ at or before Wrestlemania, well, it's enough to make you pine for the days of Fingerpokes of Doom, if only for the unpredictability of it. Even if it was only so unpredictable because of the horribleness and severe amount of bullshit that surrounded it. But really though, it's mainly due to the problem that seems to plague the entire company at this point, and that's the lack of new guys elevated to main event status. In the past two years they've elevated Edge, Rey Mysterio, and...Rey Mysterio. And you just know they're gonna fuck up Jeff Hardy's current push. When they're forced to bring back guys who have been away for years to give their champion a quick contender for the next PPV, there's a fucking problem. I guess what I'm saying is, stop wasting time on bullshit like HHH-Coach and stop focusing on just one or two feuds per show. Give as many people a chance as you can, make a feud that continues every other week if you have to, make your writers come up with a reason for two guys to fight other than "I want to pin you!" and see who excels and stands out in these feuds and go from there. That's how you make stars, not by saying "Okay, whose got a good enough rep built up that they can challenge and lose to HHH/Cena/Orton/Batista at the next PPV?" Or, don't. But if it was like that I'd be a little more enthusiastic about doing these recaps every Friday. And maybe I'd eventually be able to talk about wrestling with more people than that one fat twelve year old kid who wears his John Cena to church every Sunday and contends that the original Kane really was killed in the Inferno match and this new Kane is a fake. That's why he doesn't have any burns, you know~!


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).