Animated video welcomes us to Smackdown, as does Edge afterwards in his goofy ass hoodie over tights
ensemble. He's on the ramp with a mic and introduces Vickie Guerrero. She's out sporting a neckbrace and wheelchair being
pushed by Teddy Long who, despite his announcement of being "The REAL GM of Smackdown, playa!" last week is, in fact, the
assistant GM under Vickie Guerrero. And speaking of Lita Lite, she is still hurt from the Undertaker tombstoning her in the
ring like a month ago, because what can keep a man down for three seconds could very possibly cripple a woman. Stupid Vickie
getting in the ring without even building up her neck muscles first. Anyway, Edge asks her how she feels and she says she's
mentally scarred from being attacked. What, does she expect Undertaker to be punished for assaulting a woman? Vickie's obviously
not very familiar with the sad chronicles of Debra Austin. She then has an announcement to make, all three men in the World
Title triple threat match this Sunday at Armageddon will be in action tonight - starting with Edge~! Edge, being an idiot,
is confused and angry at being put in a match. He reluctantly enters the ring and waits until Funaki's music hits and Edge
finally gets the score.
Edge vs Funaki
Funaki ducks a clothesline and slaps Edge in the face, then nails a drop toehold on the Thupastha,
TM Molly Shannon. Edge up quick though and takes Funaki down with a big boot. Funaki comes back with a quick bulldog though
and goes for a tornado DDT but Edge throws him off halfway through and edjecutes him, setting up for the spear which connects
and gives Edge the upset victory. Upset if this was 1998 and Edge was Brian Christopher, I mean.
Winner : Edge
Vickie then announces Batista vs Kane in a Last Man Standing match and Undertaker vs Mark Henry and
Big Daddy V. Commercials.
SDvsRAW2008 for Wii - It looks fun, so you can maybe get hot girls play with you! Try to pull that
shit with a PS3 or 360, though, and you're gonna be watching Ashley Masarro's entrance video by yourself for a while.
Back to "Diva tag team action", which isn't even close to as watchable as it sounds. First out is
Michelle McCool who has a black eye and "Faith" written across the crotch of her pants. We then get shown what happened backstage
last week after Jamie Noble won a date with her after beating Chuck Palumbo. Apparently good ole Chuckie pulled an Austin
(Two in one night - you're welcome) and snapped, blaming McCool for his loss and flipping shit over and, presumably, giving
Michelle a little help with her eye shadow. Oh yeah, and the reason she has Faith written on her pants is to show Chuck she
has faith in him. I think not reporting his ass for fucking battery shows that enough. YOU CAN CHANGE HIM, MICHELLE! YOU JUST
GOTTA HAVE FAITH!
Oh yeah, her partner is Kelly Kelly, who McCool saved from a two on one beatdown on ECW this week
at the hands of their opponents tonight, Victoria and Layla.
Michelle McCool & Kelly Kelly w/ big mongoloid boyfriends vs Victoria w/ big dikey
boyfriend & Layla w/o afro due to her skin color being "light enough for her to get over"
McCool starts things off with a headlock takedown on Victoria, but Victoria regains the edge with
some shouldering and whipping. McCool reverses a whip to the corner by doing a backflip, then pausing for about a full minute
and then hitting a loose armdrag. This gets two, and with McCool having already used every move in her arsenal, she just gives
up winning tonight and tags in Kelly. Kelly shows off what originally got her hired. No, not by removing her top - she got
those implanted to keep from getting fired. No, I'm talking about her TECHNICAL PROWESS, of course! She locks in a long, awkward
armwrench on Victoria, but Barbie draws a blank, so she gets thrown to the corner. She manages to block a charging Victoria
and somewhat hits a second rope crossbody for two. Victoria gets the tag to Layla who cleverly hides her embarrassing ring
skills by laying in with some stomps. Tag back to Victoria and she gets Kelly up on her shoulders, but the Queen of Extreme(ly
bad promos, matches, and all-around uselessness) escapes and makes the hot tag to McCool, who immediately lands a nice calf
kick on Victoria. From the ground, Victoria shoves her into the ropes where Kenny is waiting on the outside to trip her up
for Victoria to go for the pin when who else is out to make the save but Chuck Palumbo on his bike! The ref apparently has
ADD because Palumbo revving his engine from all the way up on the entrance ramp distracts him, causing him to stop his count
at two. Palumbo chases Kenny around ringside on his bike and back up the ramp as McCool stares at the spectacle, appearing
to share a similar condition with that of the ref, allowing Victoria to roll her up for three as we go to commercials.
Winner : Victoria & Layla
Get to da choppuh!
Back showing Palumbo having another savage episode backstage, with McCool trying to cool him down.
Really bad acting ensues with Palumbo snarling and saying "Damn!" a lot and punching a hole in the wall. Better that than
making you look like a raccoon, Michelle.
Back to the action, MVP is on commentary for Rey Mysterio's match. MVP's a brave motherfucker doing
guest commentary with JBL. I just hope he doesn't end up like Miz and Morrison and get publicly flogged by Bradshaw for "detracting
from the action in the ring by only getting himself over". Because only JBL is allowed to do that. Rey out and he takes a
half hour on his entrance waving at the crowd from every possible angle in the ring before Kenny Dykstra makes his way down.
Rey Mysterio vs Kenny Dykstra
Kenny works Rey's arms with wrenches and knees to the shouler and quick submissions, but Rey shows
off his expert selling skills by leaping up the turnbuckle, while in an arm hold, and jumping from the top rope, while still
not breaking the hold, and taking Kenny down with a headscissors. Irish whip gets Rey another headscissors as Cole blames
MVP for Matt's appendix bursting. I didn't realize fucking up a dude's KNEE could have such extensive consequences. Kenny
with a whip on Rey and he followed him and slid out of the ring as Rey was coming off the ropes and tripped him. Back in Kenny
goes back to working the arm, despite there not being a submission victory in WWE since WM XX. Wait, right, that never happened.
Survivor Series 97, then. Rey of course shakes this off and bounces off the ropes but Kenny's got him up for a powerbomb,
but Rey reverses into a headscissors sending him into the ropes for the 619 and follows up by Droppin Da Dime for da win.
Winner : Rey Mysterio
MVP in the ring now to congratulate Rey. I've got a good feeling this will end well! He then hands
his United States Championship belt to Rey for him to hold, and tells him he could become champ this Sunday. MVP wants the
best man to win and extends his hand. Rey says "f dat, ese!" so P says "Dats coo', dats coo" but then fakes a look of surprise
at something behind Rey, so Rey turns and gets drilled in the back of the head with the belt. Closeup of Rey sniveling on
the mat as we go to commercials.
I really don't know how many points a touchdown is worth. Six or seven, I think.
Back to the Smack of the Night, which is Vickie Guerrero announcing Batista-Kane not half an hour
ago. Of all the moments in my life I'd want to rewatch, that's not even in my top FIVE. Last Man Standing time!
World Heavyweight Champion Batista vs Kane, nontitle
Kane starts things off by laying Big Dave out with punches and hits an elbow drop, but Teest gets
up and knocks Kane out of the ring. Kane meets Batista on the outside with a stiff uppercut but Batista drives Kane's head
into the ringpost and powerslams Kane on that cold, unforgiving gym mat. Kane gets up at the count of five so Batista rolls
Kane in the ring, where Kane again is waiting. This time he whips Batista between two corners, hitting a clothesline each
time. Side slam follows and Kane goes up for the clothesline but Batista rolls out of the way. Kane gets whipped to a corner
for a clothesline and some shoulder thrusts with plenty of excessive grunting reminiscent of the Mayor from the Oblongs. "Whoo-puh,
whoo-puh", that whole bit. Anyway. SPINEBUSTA and set up for the Bomb but Kane back body drops Big Teest and hits a chokeslam
that keeps him down for an 8 count. Kane then decides he feels like laying down with a guy screaming in his face, so he goes
for the mounted punches on Batista in the corner. What could go wrong?! You know, as long as you don't think about the fact
that Batista's spending the entire match trying to get you in that exact fucking position to hit his finisher. Batista Bomb
keeps Kane down for 8, but Kane was anticipating the "real" main event not ending this early and so he was up on the turnbuckle.
Kane however quickly ascends the turnbuckle and headbutts Batista, dazing him for a superplex. Both men up at 9 and they set
up for another double count by clotheslining eachother simulatenously as we go to commercials.
I ran into some guys from school tagging under a railroad track bridge last weekend. They were drawing
a big mushroom and a picture of a baby with a rocket landing on it with the phrase "Whom would Jesus bomb?" Yeah. I'm walking
along the opposite direction of the railroad tracks from now on.
Back to Kane humming Batista over the top rope to the outside. Kane interrupts the count by kicking
him in the head and slamming his head into the apron. Batista recovers and picks Kane up to drive him into the ringpost. Batista
picks up Kane's CARAWSS and sets up for the Bomb but Kane shoves him into the barrier and then boots him over the top and
into the crowd. He gets up at the count of 6 only to be greeted by shots to the head from Kane. Kane goes for a chair and
clumsily strolls toward Batista with it held high above his head, but Batista spots a tiny opening out of this predicament
and spears him to the floor. Kane gets up at 9 so Batista lays in with frustrated punches and whips Kane toward the steps,
but that gets reversed and Batista is down for 8. Kane rips a tv monitor out of the commentator table and smacks Dave in the
head with it. 9 count follows as Kane bellows "Stay down!" He puts Big Teest back down with a clothesline and starts tearing
apart the table. He then sets the steel steps next to it and steps on them as Batista was getting to his feet. Goozle and
Kane looks to drive him through the table but Batista elbows him in the head and hits a shitty spinebuster to Kane on the
table. Edge is out of nowhere and immediately spears Batista a second later, so the ref starts the double count. However,
Batista gets up at 8 so Edge runs right into a back body drop. Batista is declared the winner.
Winner : Batista
After the match, Edge with a THUNDEROUS chair shot to his back, which puts Batista out since the
match is over, and thus chair shots now hurt exponentially more. Seriously, it's a fan law and everything. Commercials
What was that one sitcom about dinosaurs, like people in dinosaur costumes, where the dad was a lumberjack
or something? Man, that shit was unwatchable.
Back with Edge asking Vickie Guerrero if he can get her anything. She needs some aspirin and coffee,
so Edge barks the order at Long, who scurries off after bowing his head politely. "Yessuh, massuh!" Vickie looks like a fat
Melina. If Melina were half horse. Edge proceeds to make out with the horse woman as we go to the Raw Rebound and then commercials
There is nothing redeemable about Jimmy Kimmel.
Back to a recap of Miz and Morrison beating Jesse and Festus last week. Festus, accompanied by Jesse,
is out for single competition against the Miz, who is out with Morrison.
Festus w/ Jesse vs WWE Tag Team Champion Miz w/ John Morrison
Bell rings and Festus snaps, shoving the Miz down a lot and landing a splash. Backbody drop and Miz
scurries out onto the apron. Festus tries to pull him back in but Miz guillotines him on the ropes and reenters to clip his
knee. Weak ass Miz shots now, striking him all over his body randomly. Headlock time but Festus gets out, so Miz trips him
and sends him out of the ring. Dropkick through the bottom rope by Miz, who locks in another headlock on Festus when he eventually
reenters. Miz gets thrown to a corner and gets caught by Festus with a crossbody attempt. Morrison up on the ropes now yelling
or something, so Festus whacks Morrison off with Miz's legs and hits a weak ass F-5 for the win.
Winner : Festus
Teddy Long out now to read an announcement : The Great Khali vs Hornswoggle next. Huge news, HUGE
Is James Swift the second best recapper ever or what?
Back and Horny is out, followed by Khali. Next is Finlay's music, and Finlay enters the ring and
stares down Khali with his shilaylay (spelling it like that from now on since it's the shortest and no matter how I spell
it will just be wrong anyway). Finlay then bops him in each knee, but the ref grabs the shilaylay from Finlay, so Finlay just
stomps Khali's knee until he falls back into the corner and covers his head as Finlay pounds away on him. Khali's fag manager
saves Khali however by grabbing Hornswoggle and saying "Stop or, or I'll hit him! I know how!" Finlay decks him out of the
ring and dusts Horny off, only to turn around and get chokebombed. Khali's music plays and he leaves, despite no match ever
taking place. I guess that super official announcement Teddy Long read really meant the match was optional. Finlay is selling
it like he's out cold as we go to commercials.
Johnny Tsunami vs Torpedo Jones, King of Vegas Match
We're back to see Vince lay down the Ric Flair retirement challenge, thing, and an advert for SD
next week, though they never actually said whether Flair would be on next week. McCool and Kelly are talking about Chuck and
go into the locker room where they're greeted with a ton of roses and balloons. They fawn over it saying Chuck must really
be sorry when Jamie Noble comes in to reveal he left the gifts and he's all smiles until he sees her black eye. He demands
to know who did it and that dastardly heel Noble is about to run off to go fight Chuck for striking her before McCool and
Kelly reassure him it was an accident and it happened in Europe. He reluctantly accepts this totally complete and reassuring
explanation and wants to know if they're still on for tonight. She says they are and all the roses and pinwheels were really
sweet. "Sweet"? Oooh, bro, stuck in the friend zone! Burned! No joke, no joke. Right. Anyway, Kelly Kelly invites them on
a double date with her and Balls Mahoney but McCool turns it down, making some pun about balls in the process, I'm sure. I
don't really know, I was kind of reading. Striker and the SELF-PROCLAIMED fatassed porch monkeys are on the way to the ring
For such a cool guy, Robert Plant sure sang about hobbits a lot.
V and Striker are out first, and are then followed by the perenially soggy Henry. JBL insists it's
not just a moniker - Mark Henry really is the World's Strongest Man. If he really was the World's Strongest Man, Kurt Angle
wouldn't be the only Olympic gold medalist in pro wrestling. I mean, not that he's not a big guy, but the dude won one fucking
competition in Ohio and got a free car, that's it. Taker out next, ready to squash him some fat men!
The Undertaker vs Mark Henry & Big Daddy V w/ Matt Striker
V is so glossy looking, I think he has someone to polish his fat. That shit is shiny. Taker starts
things off handing out blows, punching Henry in his face and V in his fat, until they both squash him in a corner and start
clubbing. V then whips Henry into Taker for a big corner clothesline. Striker then gets up on the apron and has a fucking
ten minute conversation distracting V while Taker lays out Henry. V eventually is done being fucked up by his own manager
who must have bet against him and turns around into a big boot from Taker. Back to Henry, Taker lays him across the apron
and hits his leg drop. V follows Taker outside and picks him up in snake eyes position ready to ram his head into the post
but Taker leaps off and shoves V forward into it. Taker goes back in the ring where Henry is waiting with a bearhug. He holds
him until V can get in and hit the sorriest looking Samoan drop you've ever seen. We're talking a Guatemalan drop, or whatever
place that's shittier than Samoa. Nebraska drop. The two big ole self-proclaimed niggas double whip Taker to a corner and
knocks him down, but he kicks from the ground at them. Taker then gets to his feet and lays into them with the "best strikes
in the biz" but still, he can't even land a half decent dropkick, and that's why he's not holding a title right now, right
Bob Holly? Sure. Jesus this match is horrible. Okay, Taker goes for the double goozle but that somehow gets him fucked up
as V and Henry exchange their wide variety of moves, including shoulder thrusts, a splash, an elbow drop, a missed splash,
and another elbow drop. Henry then holds Taker in the corner as V splashes them both. V then holds Taker in the corner as
it's Henry's turn, but Taker moves and V gets splashed by Henry. Taker then whips Henry and coming back gets chokeslammed
Winner : The Undertaker
After the match, V hits a clumsy clothesline on Taker. Stomps and clubs follow, but Taker comes back
with his strikes and knocks out V's mouthguard. V retaliates with a spinebuster and an elbow. Henry gets up at this point
and hits a splash. They then pick him up for a double torture rack, and it looks like some kind of horrible, possibly sadistic
dance. It's here where I learn, against my will, that Viscera's boobs have boobs. After shaking him for a while, they set
him down and Edge comes in. The two self-proclaimed inferior mudbloods are cool with it though because he's heel too, and
all heels are part of an evil alliance. Edge does Taker's kneeling pose over him laughing to close out the night. END SHOW.
A, for Awesome : I guess Kane-Batista, but that's
sort of by default. I was out of my mind bored all night. However, I will admit, Armageddon is actually looking pretty good.
U, for... is not very good : Everything.
Well, Palumbo-Noble might possibly go somewhere, like maybe even a domestic~!, but in the end it's still fucking Palumbo-Noble.
Remember Y? : There were tons of gimmick matches
all the time on tv? Cage matches, table matches, not even getting into title matches. And now what, a few last man standing
matches a year on Smackdown. What CLASSICS like Taker-Khali or Batista-Kane are! I'm not saying remake ECW, it's overwhelmighly
clear they're not gonna do that, ever, but Jesus Christ, I mean have Yang moonsault someone through a table once
in a while, what's it gonna hurt? I mean, the Hardyz didn't get over on just the Poetry in Motion and Jeff's wacky hair.