SmackDown Rant Archive (December 2006)
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December 01, 2006
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December 29, 2006
Hello again, my loyal friends and readers! I have returned, as you can see, after a startling stint
by one Mister Anvil. Don’t ask why his parents chose to name him that, other than he can be useful at times. Or perhaps
just because he can be a right tool.
To celebrate my second coming, I am now introducing a NEW guest recapper, because the guy honestly has had a tough break as of late, and I want to help him make amends.
Please welcome MICHAEL RICHARDS!
Kramer: I’m not a recapper, that’s what’s so insane about this.
Indeed!
Anyway,
to be truthful I came back sooner than I had planned, simply because with the amount of people leaving Smackdown at such a
rate I wanted to come back so I could recap some potentially good stuff before I’m left with Friday Nights of just 2
hour matches of Miz vs. Boogeyman for ALL of the titles.
I
mean for God’s sake, we don’t even know what brand Matt Hardy is on. Although, that could turn out to be a neat
gimmick:
Matt
Hardy on Friday Nights!
Matt
Hardy on Monday Nights!
Matt
Hardy on Tuesday Nights!
Matt
Hardy on Boogie Nights!
Matt
Hardy on Marvel Knights!
Aaaand
so on. Anyway, let’s get on, shall we.
The
show starts off with a hearse parked near the entrance ramp. Who EVER could that belong to? What’s that? ECW? Oh hardy
har. Mister Kennedy is out and immediately tells everyone in the arena that when they announce his name then repeat it it
is nowhere as entertaining as when he does it. He also says that when people type it once it’s all right but when they
constantly use it as ‘MIST-AH KEN-AH-DAY’ it is being run into the ground and people are too God damn stupid to
come up with something more original.
Oh
fine, you got me. That wasn’t what he said, that was just me ranting. What GAVE ME AWAY.
He
does, however, tell us that he has Undertaker’s number (it’s just that he wont call him back is all. I mean, come
on, Taker’s just gotta accept that all Kennedy wanted was some fun, no strings attached. Life is like that.) and has
beaten Taker twice, so therefore has nothing to prove. Here’s the thing though, those are some really weak claims to
victories. I mean what does he have other than flukes or DQs? It’s like me saying ‘I’ve officially beaten
Mohammad Ali’ because I can truthfully say he’s never knocked me out. Or like saying I’ve beaten James Walker
at obscure analogies just because he’s not writing this recap. Or something.
Hey,
you know, if Taker REALLY wanted to enhance his ‘Tough/Dead’ reputation, he should get himself a big ol’
scar on his chest. Not just any scar though, it should be of a Y- Incision! Now THAT’S authenticity.
Anyways,
Kennedy is spooked by the bells tolling, and then the hearse backs up just outside the ring before Undertaker pops out. Kennedy
runs for his life, but Taker stops him short and unleashes his wrath unholy by…standing in the ring and posing. Oh that’s
just great Taker, way to get someone back for humiliating you. Next time I see that schoolyard bully I had 10 years ago I’ll
just go to his general vicinity, turn the lights out, and kneel for a bit. That’ll show him. Man, I haven’t been
this disappointed in Taker since I actually went to meet him at a show in
*Cut
to*
Joe:
Hey, uh, can I see the Undertaker please?
Stagehand:
…Boy, he dayud.
Joe:
…I want to see the UNDERTAKER.
Stagehand:
Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout I tell you he dayud!
Joe:
(Incredulous) …The PHENOM.
*Cut
back*
Good
times. Christ I’ve written 2 pages worth and I haven’t even recapped a match yet. GOD BLESS USELESS PADDING. It’s
the stuff condoms are made of.
Say,
Kramer, you know what an Undertaker IS right?
Kramer:
HE’S A DIGGER! HE’S A DIGGER! HE’S A DIGGER!
Ah!
A match!
Ok
well we start off this non-title match with some dropkicks by Londrick, knocking the heels off the apron before they even
managed to enter. They must have awesome home security. Some Jehovah’s Witness comes to the door, and you can just see
them off with a well times hurricanrana.
Regal
ends up double-teamed as
Regal
ends up hitting the Million Dollar Dream of all things on
The
crowd picks up after a dropsault but soon
What
did I gain from this match? – Bros before Hoes, nigga.
That
asshole Cena is featured in a pre-recorded interview next. The promo itself is decent, but I’m sorry, I can’t
get past my hatred for him. Considering the fact that
Kramer:
HE’S A WIGGER! HE’S A WIGGER! HE’S A WIGGER!
Yeees
indeed. Yes indeed.
Backstage
Booker and Finlay are arguing over who gets a title shot against Batista. Oh ho! Maybe this will end up in a triple threat,
JUST TO THROW US ALL OFF. Or if Long is involved, it’ll be a ‘Triple Threat That You Can Win by Pinfall or Submission
Unless Your Name is King Booker In Which Case You Must Win By Cutting Off Your Own Penis And Eating It Then Pinning The Champion
ONLY.’
Oh.
Apparently Finlay’s facing him. So much for that.
Batista vs. Finlay – World Heavyweight Championship Match
Hey
look, it’s Batista! That guy who won’t stop whinging about losing his title in the first place. Hmm, people who
whinge constantly about a technicality…let me take this opportunity to thank Anvil’s Swagbag for covering for
me these past few weeks.
Anyways,
Batista starts slapping Finlay in the face repeatedly and laughing at him. Last time someone did that they ended up exploding
all over an English shopping centre so I wouldn’t keep at it, Dave. He seems to take my advice and gets serious, but
he ends up being tripped by Finlay and then elbowed in the face. Nasty. Before long they are outside and Finlay ends up getting
booted into the crowd as we hit commercial.
When
we get back Finlay is magically working over Batista in the ring with an armbar. He works over Batista with some stiff shots
for a bit, which really adds a nice psychology seeing as Batista is being dominated forcefully by a guy who is smaller than
him, giving the fact that Dave is pushed for being this big unstoppable animal. Also, men are grapplng in tights. Insightful
eh?
More
stiff shots, but for a brief moment Batista looks like he’s in control, when he catches Finlay in mid air after a top
rope attempt. Finlay soon gets back on top though after chucking him into the ringpost. After a bit Dave powers out of the
attempts to weaken his arm and hits a Samoan drop and soon after a spinebuster. Little Bastard intervenes and is nearly powerbombed
through the announce table, but Finlay uses the stick to interrupt and get the DQ.
What
did I gain from this match? – Ah, nothing has changed THAT much then. We’re still getting inexplicable title matches
in the middle of the event, and they’re ending in DQ’s anyway. Life is mediocre.
Post
match Booker comes out to help Finlay utterly destroy Batista’s shoulder with the stick and a steel chair. The crowd
seem to want Cena, but no dice.
Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Jamie Noble – Cruiserweight Championship Number One Contendership
match, aw yeah
Helms is out again doing commentary, which utterly SHOCKS the crowd as Matt Hardy (On Arabian Nights!)
isn’t attached to his hip.
Nice
fast paced match here, with Yang dominating with right hands and a hurricanrana. Soon however Noble gains control and stomps
on Yang in the middle of the ring. Damn, man, that aint gonna work. Japanese are used to fucking Godzilla stomping on them,
some 200lb guy aint gonna do shit.
Out
of nowhere, Yang gets control and hits a fantastic moonsault onto the fallen Noble for the win.
What
did I gain from this match? – A bit short for my liking, but the pace was good. (THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID LOLZ.)
The
next backstage skit pretty much crosses the line for me. Benoit is being interviewed by Kristal on the claims that he is a
woman beater, after he accidentally knocked Vickie off the apron. Speaking of which, she appears in a neckbrace and scolds
Benoit for ‘doing that to a woman’. She then walks off to a waiting Chavo, and they make out as if the injury
is fake.
Now,
here’s what COMPLETELY pisses me off about this. With these two, we could argue that they were actually right about
Rey and to an extent Benoit, in that they just want to defend Eddie’s memory and not have it whored out to ‘friends’
of Eddie. But here’s the thing, they are now being painted to look like COMPLETE heels and not ambiguous ones, because
they are blatantly using crude lies as a tactic. I realise this was Eddie’s gimmick but he managed to do it without
looking like a complete asshole. Fucking storyline pisses me off.
Elsewhere
MVP is-
Kramer:
HE’S A N-
Woah woah woah, not yet, man. Jesus.
MVP
is bollocking Long for putting him in different matches with Kane, and reminds him he secured millions for MVP’s services
on Smackdown. Just when I thought Long couldn’t look a bigger retard…
Long
takes MVP’s concern into consideration by threatening to fire him if he doesn’t show at Armageddon and then puts
him in a match against Kane and Taker with Kennedy as his partner. I don’t even need to make a joke to point out the
sheer bastard that Long is.
Sylvan
then comes out and starts ranting in French (JBL: He says he just surrendered) and then Benoit comes out and beats the crap
out of him with some chops and Germans. Then he..pins him? Oh, that was a match? Oh crap-
Sylvan vs. Chris Beno- oh sod it the moment’s gone.
What did I gain from this match? – some easy-ass recapping, that’s for sure.
Oh
goodie, the next match is a Miz one. FUCKTY WHOOP.
The Miz vs. Scotty 2 Hotty oh God on a pullstring this is gonna be diabolical Match
Cole actually compares Miz to Rocky Marciano because he’s undefeated, which JBL rightfully spazzes
out at him for. Fucking Cole.
In
a nutshell, Miz dominates for a bit but Scotty looks like he’s going to hit the WORM OMGZ but Miz counters and rolls
him up. Thank God that was short.
What
did I gain from this match? – so, the point of having S2H on the roster is?
Post
match Boogeyman comes out and I’m worried for Scotty’s safety as Boogey is renowned for eating worms…but
anyway, Miz retreats to the back.
The
single funniest image on WWE TV this year is up next as Kane is shown backstage with some hot coals, in front of a Xmas display
with merry music playing, as he starts singing ‘Chestnuts roasting on an Open Fire’ before laughing maniacally.
I’m sorry, but I need a few minutes to laugh my balls off at this.
Next
up is the main event, and Kennedy is out bigging himself up again, calling himself the future of Sports Entertainment. I’d
like to think they’ll go through with this.
Kane
beats on Kennedy for a bit, which is to be expected. Kennedy tries to escape but Kane suplexes him back into the ring from
the apron. Eventually Kennedy does make it to the outside and rips off the padding to the barrier. This leads a little later
on to Kane getting dropkicked to the outside onto the barriers and very nearly getting counted out. Nice selling of Kennedy’s
ingenuity over Kane’s brute strength.
Kennedy
then works over Kane with kicks to the back. Kane momentarily powers out though and throws Kennedy across the ring. He hit
some powerful moves including a side slam and a back body drop, and even catches Kennedy in a midair attempt, and then goes
for a top rope clothesline, which connects. He goes for the chokeslam, however, then MVP hits the scene and ends up giving
Kane the DQ win.
What
did I gain from this match? – well that was epic. Imagine if Lord of the Fucking Rings ended like that. ‘No Sauron!
WE WILL DESTROY THE RIN-..what do you mean, you ‘give up’? Where’s the big fight scene? Oh screw this’
Anyway
post match Kane is beat on by them both, but Undertaker's music and lights spook them. Kane disappears when the lights come
back on, as Kennedy makes a run for it, leaving MVP sat in the middle of Kane’s pyro, confused. And that’s a wrap.
What pleased me? – Overall it was well-wrestled, and was good to see certain guys getting
to put themselves over, such as Helms and Kennedy.
What pissed me off? – overall booking really, but mostly the Eddie/Vickie/Chavo thing NEEDS
to stop. It’s becoming a bane on WWE’s existence.
Anyways.
Was good to be back, friends, foes, and wannabe Joes. And was good to have you here, Mister Richards
Kramer:
I’m feeling busted up over this…
Well,
don’t cry too much over it will you, ‘Anvil’.
G’night everybody!
Joe Merrick is NOT
AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating
literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.
Joe Merrick is NOT
AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating
literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.
Send Feedback to The
Anvil's Swagbag The Anvil's Swagbag has eight
girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states
that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles
out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.
But WAIT! WAIT! There is going to be a huge announcement tonight that will
change the face of Smackdown… hmmm. Believe me, at this stage, you could give the face of Smackdown plastic surgery,
a facelift and a mask designed to look like Miss World, and Smackdown would still come out of the other end looking like Vader’s
bare ass.
See, with that joke I kept with the buttock theme of the WWE. Because jeez, I have seen so many naked asses
by now, I see man-exits when I close my eyes. …or, erm, that might be because my uncle used to sit on my face when I
was five, to keep the ‘Poo Pixies’ away. We don’t really see him much since he went to prison, which is
a shame. He used to give me money.
Oh, let’s just get this shit on the road. This surprise better be substancial.
We
start the show with Michael Cole. BAD START.
So, we start the REAL show off with a bang, something that I actually
like. The Royal Rumble. Man, I love the Royal Rumble. Although… erm… I kinda wish I hadn’t bought it now,
because they are showing the only match I was actually interested in on national TV. The egg is truly on MY face. Oh wait,
that isn’t egg, it’s the realisation that I paid FIFTEEN FUCKING POUNDS FOR THE SHIT I AM NOW WATCHING FOR FREE.
Damn review shows. TELL US THE SURPRISE.
Yeah, Trippers and Mysterio kick Simon Deans ass AGAIN. Then Psychosis comes
in, sans car. The police probably confiscated it, what with ‘Finders Keepers’ not actually holding up in court.
He gets eliminated. Again. You see, this is the problem with Smackdown… you get this nasty feeling you have seen it
all before.
We return at the end of the match, with Tatanka still in the damn ring! Oh yes, that brings back memories.
I remember, because I turned to my friend, (imaginary) and said, ‘WHAT THE HELL IS TATANKA STILL DOING IN THERE?’.
He had no answer.
You know, why the hell am I reviewing something which has already been reviewed… and probably
slightly better too. Probably.
Rey wins the Rumble. This is the beginning of a push like no other! Oh yes, a push
which somehow managed to be a push UPWARDS and DOWNWARDS at the same time! Reminds me of that time in the office…
Boss:-
Kevin, you are finally getting that promotion! Congratulations!
Me:- Erm, wow! Brilliant! So, whats the deal.
Boss:-
Well, you know how you currently work in this office?
Me:- Yeah…
Boss:- Well, you are being promoted to OFFICIAL
TOILET CLEANER. And it will be YOUR JOB and YOUR JOB ALONE to control hygiene in the toilets!
Me:- Wow. Erm… boss…
Boss:-
Yes?
Me:- Isn’t that a demotion?
Boss:- Why, no! It isn’t, and you know why!? You get this BIG SHINY BELT!
Me:-…
you bastard.
Fun times.
Lets skim through some crap here. Some WWE in Iraq is shown, which always
holds about as much value as a Europe only pay per view. The title is always on the line but we all know the champ isn’t
losing it. On Insurrexion? Don’t be stupid. The limeys ain’t worth that. But… erm… way to keep up
the soldiers morale and junk.
Lt. Parker:- Right men! We have found the perfect solution to distract you from
the VIOLENCE and BLOOD and PAIN of war!
Soldier:- Wow! Go on.
Lt Parker:- Wait for it… wait for it… the
VIOLENCE and BLOOD and PAIN of wrestling! And the best thing? They won’t even begin to feel our pain, because it’s
all FAKE!
Soldiers:- BOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Next we have the Wrestlemania Triple Threat title match. Unfortunately, I sneezed,
and missed this whole thing. I was gutted, because when the actual match was on, I blinked and missed three quarters. TELL
US THE SURPRISE.
Now they change the format completely, and unofficially, to the Worst of Wrestling Ever. EVER.
Diva Search final, with the Miz. The Miz won, I think.
Moving the FUCK on.
Next we have something that is actually
worthy of a mention, Taker and Kane reuniting and beating two jobbers. Erm, MVThingy and Ken Something. You know, feuds don’t
really work when you think that even if the opponent had a machine gun, a chainsaw, an elixir to cure all ailments and an
adamantium bone structure, he still wouldn’t fucking win. Doesn’t help that Taker is INDESTRUCTIBLE. The Brothers
win, next clip.
Oooh, now here is a moment, the night one of The Voices of Smackdown got his ass kicked so bad
he was forced to retire. Lowering his credibility to the stage just below the people who deny the Holocaust happened, and
just a little below Santa Claus. TELL US THE SURPRISE!
JESUS, they heard me! JBL introduces Teddy, who has the
big news. My guess is that it will be a Last Man Living match for MVP. What? That jokes been done before? By who? …who??
Okay,
lets give the news the space it will so CLEARLY deserve. Here we go!...
Starting
from next week, we will see the Smackdown Sprint. This is a series of matches. The person who gets the quickest victory of
all the matches goes on to face the Champ at the Royal Rumble for the title.
Wow.
Erm…. Wow. So, erm, carry on…
Teddy:- That’s it, playa.
Hmm. Right. FUCK SMACKDOWN. This is
more disappointing than my Christmas presents this year!
Me:- Ooooh look… it’s a… best of Khali
DVD.
Mum:- I knew you’d love it.
Me:- Gee. Thanks. I needed a blank disk.
Mum:- Open your next one!
Me:-
(Rips paper) Wow! ‘The History Of The Diva Search…
Mum:- Awww, look at those tears of happiness! And he hasn’t
even opened the Eric Bischoff book yet!
Me:- NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Fucking… right, on with the show. It is what Owen
Hart would have wanted, or something.
Speaking of dead wrestlers, now they are showing the Eddie shit from this
year, and I fucking refuse to review any of it at all. I’ll list it in bullet points.
-Video Package, Vickie
Betrays Mysterio.
-I Quit, Chavo Vs Mysterio, Chavo wins.
It doesn’t matter whether the match was okay, or
the matches since have been okay, the angle stinks and I’m sick of it. I’m sorry, but personally, it isn’t
even ABOUT Eddie for me. It’s just ridiculously stretched out. And worse, it’s BORING. That is NOT what Eddie
would have fucking wanted. A pulse, maybe. But a crappy, boring fucking feud placing his mourning wife as the heel!? I don’t
think that would be high on the priority list.
Moving on. We get more stuff from somewhere where lots of soldiers
are. So, Joe Merricks momma’s bedroom.
THAT, my friend, is revenge. Shall we call it even?
So, now
we are onto the first appearance of The Little Bastard. Hey! Michael Cole didn’t debut this year! Jeez, guys, continuity
in wrestling sucks.
Now the Benoit vs. Finlay match from Judgement Day. Now that’s pretty cool, good choice.
So far, this Best Of has been lacklustre to say the least. It’s like they hired the guys from VH1 to choose the best.
THE BEST 100 SONGS OF ALL TIME, ONLY ON VH1! STARRING SUCH SUPERSTARS OF MUSIC AS ‘FAT LARRY’S BAND’,
‘BLACK LACE’, ‘THE NOLANS’ AND ‘BROS’! COULD ‘AGADOO’ FINALLY CLINCH THAT
TOP SPOT, OR WILL ‘MOULDY OLD DOUGH’ CONTINUE TO REIGN SUPREME!? STAY TUNED.
But hey, we finally get
a Stairway To Heaven! Lets hope this chain continues past… erm… one match.
Nope, a video package with
The Boogeyman biting moles. I hate you, Sean Carless.
Right. Next. We have the King Booker and Batista stuff!
And as I look over to the clock, the show must be coming to a close, thank Buddha. I don’t trust God anymore, just incase
he no-shows. I make too many jokes about that, but I don’t have a regular fan-base so none of you know that! Haaaaaaaaahaaaaaaa!
Booker vs. Batista at the Survivor Series now. I have never been a Batista mark. Can’t see it happening
any time soon either. I’m counting down the minutes now. I really am. So, they show a fair bit of Booker/Batista stuff,
capped off with Batista bravely and gallantly winning the title by hitting Booker square between the eyes with it.
Gorilla
Monsoon:- But Booker INTRODUCED THE BELT INTO TH…
Oh, do take your bias elsewhere. Bloody racists.
There’s
the inferno match! There’s the Last Ride match! There’s the Ladder Tag Match! There’s Cole saying that 2007
will be better than 2006! There’s the end! THANK GOD. I’m outta here.
And I’m back. Because
apparently, if I don’t conclude this, I’m going to be made to do the recap show next year. WAAAH! WAAAH!
Okay,
here’s my conclusion. Here is the TRUE recap of this year. There has been some good. Finlay, Kennedy, Benoit, Booker’s
reign, Regal, Kendrick and London, Hardy… there is a lot of talent on Smackdown, and the show could be brilliant. Plus,
with JBL at the announcers booth, the entertainment factor IS always there. But Wrestling is really lacking something at the
moment. And I’ll tell you what. Competition. There is no-one for Vince to beat, nowhere to strive. The fans don’t
expect anything more. Why give them a golden nugget when they willingly accept a nugget of shit?
Will things be better
in 2007? I doubt it. But I am looking into the future, and TNA may be what Wrestling needs to really find its niche again.
Not because TNA are revolutionising the business, oh no. But because if they continue to grow, and I hope they do, they will
give Vince the competition he so sorely misses. The drive to be the best. The urge to make the fans NEED to watch the damn
show.
I look to 2008 as the year that Wrestling may find it’s attitude again.
I hope.
I’m
the Anvil, and you are my bitch. Yes, you.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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