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SmackDown Rant Archive (December 2006)

December 01, 2006
December 08, 2006
December 15, 2006
December 29, 2006


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (12/01/06)
So, apparently, after being linked to the death of a small child, Smackdown has been taken off the air in Indonesia. In related news, I have decided to move to Jakarta tomorrow.

That’ll do. Let’s get this shit crackulatin’.

We are kicking Teddy Long.
Now picture that for a while and smile.
…Okay? Done? Now place the words ‘off the show with’ between ‘kicking’ and ‘Teddy’. I know, I know, life isn’t THAT sweet.

Teddy throws some matches into the next PPV, a ‘Last Ride’ match between Taker and Kennedy, and an Inferno match between MVP and Kane. Okay, TWO points here, first, Teddy Long must REALLY hate MVP. SERIOUSLY despise the man. You can picture it in the boardroom…

Vince McMahon:- So, my fellow Yes Men, what do we think of MVP?
Yesman 1:- OOOH YES!
Yesman 2:- Oh very yes!
Yesman 3:- He’s on FIRE!
Teddy:- (sat at the end of the table, his face lights up…) Now that gives me an idea…!

Thank god the guy didn’t say he’s been exploding all over our screens! We’d either see MVP in a Firework Eating contest…

…or God help us, a jerk-off contest with Viscera. First one to bust on a camera wins.

SECOND point, correct me if I’m wrong, but Kane has never won a fucking Inferno match… so what sort of specialist match is that!

Vince:- So, Bobby Heenan, you can finally get your own back on the Ultimate Warrior once and for all. AND I’ll let you pick the match! So… what will it be.
Bobby:- Oooh, how about a weasel suit match! I’m SURE to win.
Vince:-…. twat.

Whoa, that was one hell of a tangent. Anyways, Batista, the new champ, comes out and begins to go on about having to give up the fucking title again! Seriously, shut the fuck up you whingey-ass Emo bastard.
Did you know that Batista writes the lyrics for Panic! At The Disco? He did write them for Queen at one point, but ‘I was the champion my friends, but I had to give the belt back, whinge sob’, was deemed not catchy enough.
So, Booker inevitably comes out to demand his rematch, with Sharmell, the face that sunk a thousand dinghy’s, in tow. And just as those two put up their dukes, out comes Finlay! He claims he should be in the match, as Booker has never beaten him. Oh continuity, I barely know thee. And so, it’s on for later tonight. My prediction? It will be bloody good.

Match 1:- London and Kendrick Vs. MNM.

SWEET. I mean booking wise, it’s sodding ridiculous… why the hell are they havingf their big reunion match here when that could be a selling point for the PPV? Why are the Hardy’s irrelevant in this match if that is the team MNM are challenging? Why does glue not stick to the inside of the tube? Booking wise, as usual, they are shooting themselves in the foot. But hey, it's London and Kendrick Vs. MNM! Who the fuck CARES? Nice little match here, pretty even all told with MNM getting the better by a small margin. And then Regal and Taylor run in, beat the crap out of London, and send him in for the Snapshot and the pin. I tell you what, it is nice as hell to see a tag division with teams I give a shit about.

Now we go to MVP tied up in the boiler room, a gag over his mouth. The camera slowly pans around until we see Teddy Long stood there with a rifle.

Teddy:- You just sit tight little boy you dig. Wait until Zed arrives.
Teddy:- Now you be quiet now… (sound of a ‘chopper’ stopping) That’ll be Zed right nah..

( A man dressed as Zorro walks down the stairs. Teddy turns to see….)

Teddy:- Oh what the fuck kind of booking is THIS! It isn’t even funny!
Zorro:- …sorry…
Teddy:- What the fuck is gonna happen now, The Sandman gonna run round a corner and Singapore cane you??
Zorro:- Look man, I didn’t write this skit. Lets get it over with.
Teddy:- Fine. Who wants to fuck him first?
Zorro:- You have been screwing him since you signed him. Let me.
Teddy:- Why?
Zorro:- (drawing a sword) Because I love stabbing the shit out of people.


Teddy:- Man, that’s poor.
Zorro:- Oh FINE, look, just go get the Gimp, okay?
Teddy:- Sure.

(Teddy disappears)

Zorro:- Shut it.

(Teddy reappears.)
Zorro:- You got the gimp?
Teddy:- Yep.
(Enters Johnny Ace)
Zorro:- No! The other one!


Teddy:-… Laurientis?
Zorro:- … for fucks…

Okay, confession. NONE of this happened. I just like making fun of MVP and Teddy Long. Back to the scheduled programming.

MVP and Kennedy argue over who’s match at Armageddon is actually worth watching. See? My version was SO much better.

Match Two:- Batista Vs Finlay Vs King Booker.

Long, long match. I wont give you the play-by-play, but I’ll fill you in on the important, or best, stuff.
For the first part of the match, the big strong face dominates, even clearing house at one point because he is so macho. Then the Numbers Game starts to really catch up. Lot’s of stuff on the outside, which Finlay dominates because he is a brawler. I know this all sounds generic three way match stuff, but it was fun to watch. They work their way back in, where eventually The Little Bastard hands Finlay the shiloobiedoobie, and he cleans house, but still can’t pin that damn Batista. It is the Emo spirit in him.

Batista:- If I can’t kill MYSELF no-one will. Sob.

A flurry of attempted finishers eventually sees Batista hit the Batista Bomb on Finlay for the win.

Winner:- Batista.

Awesome three way match. Triple threats work really well when nobody is lying outside for obscene amounts of time.

Okay, so now we’re backstage and Finlay and Booker are blaming each other for the loss despite Finlay getting pinned cleanly. Teddy Long makes a match for Armageddon that pits the two of them against Batista and a partner of his choosing. I’m surprised that all the Smackdown heels haven’t buggered off to ECW, where Heyman would greet them with open arms. Hell, Teddy would let them go, and not expect anything in return either! It also amuses me that Armageddon already has more matches booked than December To Dismember.

Now we have to put up with Vickie Guerrero’s acting, and more corpse raping. Seriously, I heard that Eddie dug himself out of his grave, walked all the way to Stamford with rotting limbs dropping off every-which way, dug himself a new fucking hole outside the building, and with every shocked face peering down at him, began to ROLL incessantly. Just to make a point.

And don’t give me that, ‘this is what he would want’ shit. The guy would want a fucking PULSE. Cut your losses.

Anyway, they moan about Benoit hitting Vickie. Vickie says she feels like she has been in a car accident. Hey, maybe SHE had a craving for eggs too.
Oh, and it was a long time coming, but FINALLY she gave us an explanation for her face.

Match 3:- Benoit Vs. Chavo.

I refuse to partake in any more of this Eddie abuse. Sure, the match is good, but I’m not gonna review the damn thing. Time for The Regular Feature Which I Will Only Use Once.

Chat Up Lines 101 by Joe Merrick.

Here are my personal favourites, the top three chat up lines that our own Joe Merrick has attempted.

On my girlfriend.

These are ACTUAL lines. He DID use these. Enjoy.

3) Upon inviting my girlfriend to start a webcam convo, and hearing she couldn’t because she was in my dressing gown…

’oh now you just gave me more incentive to see it’

2) In a bid to turn her against me…

‘how long has he suffered from erectile dysfunction?’

And finally, my personal favourite…

1) ‘you know Im part black’.

Classy, Joe.

Oh, Chavo wins with a handful of tights.

Winner:- Chavo.

Backstage, Batista gets through a whole phone conversation without saying, ‘I never lost the damn belt! Its so unfair!’. So hats off to him.

Match Four:- Layla El vs. Kristal Marshall

I’m going to do something unprecedented! I’m going to do something special! I’m going to have TWO Regular Features Which I Will Only Use Once this week! This one is something I like to call having a long… hard… wank. So, erm, entertain yourselves for fifteen.

Oh, yes!
Hey, Joe is getting a release from his duty, fuck knows I needed a release too.

Kristal wins, and I really don’t care what anybody else thinks, she would SO get it. Or she would, if I could… you know… get… oh, it doesn’t matter.

Winner:- Kristal.

Batista reveals that his partner at Armageddon… will be… John Cena! Yeah, that caught me off guard a little, but let’s just think about it.

Hayes:- Look, Vince, I can see where you are coming from, but…
Vince:- But?
Hayes:- …but what about the draft extension?
Vince:-… tell me more about this draft…
Hayes:- Well, erm… you have three separate brands, each with their own exclusive talent, you see?
Vince:- …I LIKE it. Let’s put the wheels in motion!
Hayes:- No! Erm… Vince, you already HAVE a draft extension.
Vince:- …does Paul Heyman know of this?
Hayes:- …Paul?
Vince:- Yes. That bastard steals all my ideas. He stole Attitude right from under our nose!
Hayes:- Vince… Heyman WORKS for you.
Vince:- Really? Wow. Michael… could I ask you two more questions before you leave?
Hayes:- Sure Vince.
Vince:- …where’s the F gone?
Hayes:-…................. what’s the second question?
Vince:- Could you pass me Blankie? Blankie runneded aways because hesums scareded of the monster in my closet.

For FUCKS sake.

Oh, by the way, if Cena and Batista DON’T win, I’ll denounce my smarkdom, and ENJOY Boogeyman matches.

Let’s get on with the main event.

Match Five:- MVP Vs Taker.

Right, take all of Taker’s generic moves, the Old School, Snake Eyes, Big Boot, Flying Lariat, Clothesline in the turnbuckle. Now take all of MVP’s generic moves; getting his face pummelled into a sweaty little pulp, and you have this exact match. Not that it wasn’t entertaining, just that it was a complete by-the-numbers squash, and the numbers only went up to two.
Anyway, Kennedy and Kane both made their run-ins, as was to be expected. And guess which pair were left standing in the ring? I’ll give you a clue. One isn’t burnt, and the other isn’t dead.
No? Another clue? Okay.
It might have been Taker and Kane.
You got it! Taker and Kane!

And it’s a wrap.

Stored In The Swagbag:-
ANOTHER week with strong matches! Smackdown is THE show for wrestling, under the WWE umbrella. Even the women were impressive enough.

Condemned To The Dungeon:-
You know, its this thing. There are no true, real rivalries! No real feuds! Nothing to really sink my teeth into. Sure, there are the Kennedy-Taker ones and Booker- Batista, but they don’t feel… I dunno… BIG. There is no real aggression. No real build. I want a Foley-Orton, or an Edge-Cena. From this brand I’m getting MVP-Kane. Hmmmm.
We see plenty of the sports side on Smackdown, but I’d like a little entertainment. It’s the exact opposite of Raw.

That’s me over and out, people! Next week sees THE RETURN OF THE GREAT JOE MERRICK! Seriously, this guy will blow me out of the water. So, until the next time I can be bothered to drop a Dungeon, peace out.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Joe Merrick (12/08/06)

Hello again, my loyal friends and readers! I have returned, as you can see, after a startling stint by one Mister Anvil. Don’t ask why his parents chose to name him that, other than he can be useful at times. Or perhaps just because he can be a right tool.


To celebrate my second coming, I am now introducing a NEW guest recapper, because the guy honestly has had a tough break as of late, and I want to help him make amends.


Please welcome MICHAEL RICHARDS!


Kramer: I’m not a recapper, that’s what’s so insane about this.



Anyway, to be truthful I came back sooner than I had planned, simply because with the amount of people leaving Smackdown at such a rate I wanted to come back so I could recap some potentially good stuff before I’m left with Friday Nights of just 2 hour matches of  Miz vs. Boogeyman for ALL of the titles.


I mean for God’s sake, we don’t even know what brand Matt Hardy is on. Although, that could turn out to be a neat gimmick:


Matt Hardy on Friday Nights!

Matt Hardy on Monday Nights!

Matt Hardy on Tuesday Nights!

Matt Hardy on Boogie Nights!

Matt Hardy on Marvel Knights!


Aaaand so on. Anyway, let’s get on, shall we.


The show starts off with a hearse parked near the entrance ramp. Who EVER could that belong to? What’s that? ECW? Oh hardy har. Mister Kennedy is out and immediately tells everyone in the arena that when they announce his name then repeat it it is nowhere as entertaining as when he does it. He also says that when people type it once it’s all right but when they constantly use it as ‘MIST-AH KEN-AH-DAY’ it is being run into the ground and people are too God damn stupid to come up with something more original.


Oh fine, you got me. That wasn’t what he said, that was just me ranting. What GAVE ME AWAY.


He does, however, tell us that he has Undertaker’s number (it’s just that he wont call him back is all. I mean, come on, Taker’s just gotta accept that all Kennedy wanted was some fun, no strings attached. Life is like that.) and has beaten Taker twice, so therefore has nothing to prove. Here’s the thing though, those are some really weak claims to victories. I mean what does he have other than flukes or DQs? It’s like me saying ‘I’ve officially beaten Mohammad Ali’ because I can truthfully say he’s never knocked me out. Or like saying I’ve beaten James Walker at obscure analogies just because he’s not writing this recap. Or something.


Hey, you know, if Taker REALLY wanted to enhance his ‘Tough/Dead’ reputation, he should get himself a big ol’ scar on his chest. Not just any scar though, it should be of a Y- Incision! Now THAT’S authenticity.


Anyways, Kennedy is spooked by the bells tolling, and then the hearse backs up just outside the ring before Undertaker pops out. Kennedy runs for his life, but Taker stops him short and unleashes his wrath unholy by…standing in the ring and posing. Oh that’s just great Taker, way to get someone back for humiliating you. Next time I see that schoolyard bully I had 10 years ago I’ll just go to his general vicinity, turn the lights out, and kneel for a bit. That’ll show him. Man, I haven’t been this disappointed in Taker since I actually went to meet him at a show in Kentucky. Kinda reminiscent of Family Guy:


*Cut to*


Joe: Hey, uh, can I see the Undertaker please?


Stagehand: …Boy, he dayud.


Joe: …I want to see the UNDERTAKER.


Stagehand: Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout I tell you he dayud!


Joe: (Incredulous) …The PHENOM.


*Cut back*


Good times. Christ I’ve written 2 pages worth and I haven’t even recapped a match yet. GOD BLESS USELESS PADDING. It’s the stuff condoms are made of.


Say, Kramer, you know what an Undertaker IS right?




Ah! A match!


William Regal and Dave Taylor vs. Kendrick and London


Ok well we start off this non-title match with some dropkicks by Londrick, knocking the heels off the apron before they even managed to enter. They must have awesome home security. Some Jehovah’s Witness comes to the door, and you can just see them off with a well times hurricanrana.


Regal ends up double-teamed as Taylor is on the outside, as the faces work on Regal’s arm..wait, that sounds weird. Don’t get the wrong idea, they aren’t wiping their noses on the dudes limb or anything. Anyway, Taylor is tagged in and faces off with London. The match details aren’t important here apparently, because we MUST be informed of Ashley’s playboy shoot, according to JBL and Cole. So let’s just follow their lead and skip right ahead to Regal being tagged back in. Man, and they get paid for this shit.


Regal ends up hitting the Million Dollar Dream of all things on London, but no dice. Taylor gets back in and hits a full nelson, much to Masters’ despair, but still he wont tap. He makes the cover but Kendrick saves his ass.


The crowd picks up after a dropsault but soon London meets a knee, face first no less. You know how the rest goes. Quick tags wear down London until OMG mistake by Regal and suddenly the UNSTOPPABLE FORCE OF A 180 lb MAN IS UNLEASHED IN THE FORM OF KENDRICK. After his flurry of hits, however, and even a Sliced Bread #2 on Taylor, Regal is found stalking Ashley (Although can’t blame him with the choices he gets here in England) so London goes out to console her. Whilst he does this however, Kendrick ends up getting the ol’ pinned ‘n’ pwned.


What did I gain from this match? – Bros before Hoes, nigga.


That asshole Cena is featured in a pre-recorded interview next. The promo itself is decent, but I’m sorry, I can’t get past my hatred for him. Considering the fact that Britain is overrun by wannabe white rappers, this guy really doesn’t appeal to me. Right, Kramer?




Yeees indeed. Yes indeed.

Backstage Booker and Finlay are arguing over who gets a title shot against Batista. Oh ho! Maybe this will end up in a triple threat, JUST TO THROW US ALL OFF. Or if Long is involved, it’ll be a ‘Triple Threat That You Can Win by Pinfall or Submission Unless Your Name is King Booker In Which Case You Must Win By Cutting Off Your Own Penis And Eating It Then Pinning The Champion ONLY.’


Oh. Apparently Finlay’s facing him. So much for that.


Batista vs. Finlay – World Heavyweight Championship Match


Hey look, it’s Batista! That guy who won’t stop whinging about losing his title in the first place. Hmm, people who whinge constantly about a technicality…let me take this opportunity to thank Anvil’s Swagbag for covering for me these past few weeks.


Anyways, Batista starts slapping Finlay in the face repeatedly and laughing at him. Last time someone did that they ended up exploding all over an English shopping centre so I wouldn’t keep at it, Dave. He seems to take my advice and gets serious, but he ends up being tripped by Finlay and then elbowed in the face. Nasty. Before long they are outside and Finlay ends up getting booted into the crowd as we hit commercial.


When we get back Finlay is magically working over Batista in the ring with an armbar. He works over Batista with some stiff shots for a bit, which really adds a nice psychology seeing as Batista is being dominated forcefully by a guy who is smaller than him, giving the fact that Dave is pushed for being this big unstoppable animal. Also, men are grapplng in tights. Insightful eh?


More stiff shots, but for a brief moment Batista looks like he’s in control, when he catches Finlay in mid air after a top rope attempt. Finlay soon gets back on top though after chucking him into the ringpost. After a bit Dave powers out of the attempts to weaken his arm and hits a Samoan drop and soon after a spinebuster. Little Bastard intervenes and is nearly powerbombed through the announce table, but Finlay uses the stick to interrupt and get the DQ.


What did I gain from this match? – Ah, nothing has changed THAT much then. We’re still getting inexplicable title matches in the middle of the event, and they’re ending in DQ’s anyway. Life is mediocre.


Post match Booker comes out to help Finlay utterly destroy Batista’s shoulder with the stick and a steel chair. The crowd seem to want Cena, but no dice.


Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Jamie Noble – Cruiserweight Championship Number One Contendership match, aw yeah


Helms is out again doing commentary, which utterly SHOCKS the crowd as Matt Hardy (On Arabian Nights!) isn’t attached to his hip.


Nice fast paced match here, with Yang dominating with right hands and a hurricanrana. Soon however Noble gains control and stomps on Yang in the middle of the ring. Damn, man, that aint gonna work. Japanese are used to fucking Godzilla stomping on them, some 200lb guy aint gonna do shit.


Out of nowhere, Yang gets control and hits a fantastic moonsault onto the fallen Noble for the win.


What did I gain from this match? – A bit short for my liking, but the pace was good. (THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID LOLZ.)


The next backstage skit pretty much crosses the line for me. Benoit is being interviewed by Kristal on the claims that he is a woman beater, after he accidentally knocked Vickie off the apron. Speaking of which, she appears in a neckbrace and scolds Benoit for ‘doing that to a woman’. She then walks off to a waiting Chavo, and they make out as if the injury is fake.


Now, here’s what COMPLETELY pisses me off about this. With these two, we could argue that they were actually right about Rey and to an extent Benoit, in that they just want to defend Eddie’s memory and not have it whored out to ‘friends’ of Eddie. But here’s the thing, they are now being painted to look like COMPLETE heels and not ambiguous ones, because they are blatantly using crude lies as a tactic. I realise this was Eddie’s gimmick but he managed to do it without looking like a complete asshole. Fucking storyline pisses me off.


Elsewhere MVP is-


Kramer: HE’S A N-

Woah woah woah, not yet, man. Jesus.


MVP is bollocking Long for putting him in different matches with Kane, and reminds him he secured millions for MVP’s services on Smackdown. Just when I thought Long couldn’t look a bigger retard…


Long takes MVP’s concern into consideration by threatening to fire him if he doesn’t show at Armageddon and then puts him in a match against Kane and Taker with Kennedy as his partner. I don’t even need to make a joke to point out the sheer bastard that Long is.


Sylvan then comes out and starts ranting in French (JBL: He says he just surrendered) and then Benoit comes out and beats the crap out of him with some chops and Germans. Then he..pins him? Oh, that was a match? Oh crap-


Sylvan vs. Chris Beno- oh sod it the moment’s gone.


What did I gain from this match? – some easy-ass recapping, that’s for sure.


Oh goodie, the next match is a Miz one. FUCKTY WHOOP.


The Miz vs. Scotty 2 Hotty oh God on a pullstring this is gonna be diabolical Match


Cole actually compares Miz to Rocky Marciano because he’s undefeated, which JBL rightfully spazzes out at him for. Fucking Cole.


In a nutshell, Miz dominates for a bit but Scotty looks like he’s going to hit the WORM OMGZ but Miz counters and rolls him up. Thank God that was short.


What did I gain from this match? – so, the point of having S2H on the roster is?


Post match Boogeyman comes out and I’m worried for Scotty’s safety as Boogey is renowned for eating worms…but anyway, Miz retreats to the back.


The single funniest image on WWE TV this year is up next as Kane is shown backstage with some hot coals, in front of a Xmas display with merry music playing, as he starts singing ‘Chestnuts roasting on an Open Fire’ before laughing maniacally. I’m sorry, but I need a few minutes to laugh my balls off at this.


Next up is the main event, and Kennedy is out bigging himself up again, calling himself the future of Sports Entertainment. I’d like to think they’ll go through with this.


Ken Kennedy vs. Kane


Kane beats on Kennedy for a bit, which is to be expected. Kennedy tries to escape but Kane suplexes him back into the ring from the apron. Eventually Kennedy does make it to the outside and rips off the padding to the barrier. This leads a little later on to Kane getting dropkicked to the outside onto the barriers and very nearly getting counted out. Nice selling of Kennedy’s ingenuity over Kane’s brute strength.


Kennedy then works over Kane with kicks to the back. Kane momentarily powers out though and throws Kennedy across the ring. He hit some powerful moves including a side slam and a back body drop, and even catches Kennedy in a midair attempt, and then goes for a top rope clothesline, which connects. He goes for the chokeslam, however, then MVP hits the scene and ends up giving Kane the DQ win.


What did I gain from this match? – well that was epic. Imagine if Lord of the Fucking Rings ended like that. ‘No Sauron! WE WILL DESTROY THE RIN-..what do you mean, you ‘give up’? Where’s the big fight scene? Oh screw this’


Anyway post match Kane is beat on by them both, but Undertaker's music and lights spook them. Kane disappears when the lights come back on, as Kennedy makes a run for it, leaving MVP sat in the middle of Kane’s pyro, confused. And that’s a wrap.


What pleased me? – Overall it was well-wrestled, and was good to see certain guys getting to put themselves over, such as Helms and Kennedy.


What pissed me off? – overall booking really, but mostly the Eddie/Vickie/Chavo thing NEEDS to stop. It’s becoming a bane on WWE’s existence.


Anyways. Was good to be back, friends, foes, and wannabe Joes. And was good to have you here, Mister Richards


Kramer: I’m feeling busted up over this…


Well, don’t cry too much over it will you, ‘Anvil’.


G’night everybody!

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

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Lowdown on SmackDown! by Joe Merrick (12/15/06)
Well, folks, here we go again. Another week of Smackdown, the only show that feels like getting a blowjob from a chick with braces. Sure, you get the occasional movement that gets you going, but of course you have to wade through a few pangs of FLESH VS STEEL to get to it. Now that the completely nonsensical analogies are out of the way, let’s get to the going on this puppy.

John Cena is the first to appear, and gives two reasons for being here. One, it’s his hometown, two, his father is at ringside, and the third hidden option is ‘WWE has not a damn clue what the Brand Extension is Anymore’. All of the Above.

He then continues with another reason, that being Armageddon. Most people wouldn’t be in such a hurry for such an event, but whatever. I mean, come on, the acting sucked, it…aha, the joke is so lame I’m not even gonna continue it. So anyway…

Ah, fuck it. BEN AFFLECK LOLZ.

Anyway, Cena does a good job of putting over the PPV, making out as if it’s Wrestlemania combined with doing a chick in the ass for the first time. Finlay and King Booker interrupt, and tell Cena the only reason history will be changed is because they will take out both world champions. Somewhere Bobby Lashley is crying to himself over his lack of a worthy title. What am I kidding, ‘somewhere’ he’s probably off converting the damn thing into a chain necklace.

Booker says Batista was humbled last week, which brings back my old guest recapper:


Yeah yeah yeah, the act is old now, let it go. Anyways, they go to attack Cena but Batista appears and scares them off. Long makes his obligatory appearance just to make a match. How fucking formulaic is this guy’s act, fucking hell. He announces Cena vs. Finlay. Should be interesting, Cena’s a marine right? If Finlay tries to blow him up he can just defuse the bomb! Although, I could think of a better marine for the job…

Heh, heh, allriight.

Londrick and Jimmy Wang Yang vs. William Regal, Dave Taylor, and Gregory Helms

Apparently, the psychology here is, um, ‘ok, these guys hate these guys, and this guy hates this guy…juuust stick em in the same match. Let’s go get some hookers’.

Anyways, not a bad start, but let down by being too short and having a pitiful finish (THAT’S WHAT SHE DIDN’T SAY, SHE ACTUALLY SAID JOE I WANT TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE, THEN SHE SAID JOE PLEASE GET OFF ME LOLZ)

Basically, Taylor and Regal leave to escape the wrath unholy of two 180lb dudes leaving Helms to suffer a crushing defeat at the hands (or torso) of Wang Yang’s moonsault.

What did I gain from this match? – Well I guess it just goes to show, if you leave a hurricane behind, some other asshole will take care of it. Hear that, New Orleans? Get off your asses.

Highlights of the Armageddon press conference up next. Does anyone actually take these things seriously? You got reporters in there asking such dumbass questions. ‘Uh, yes, Batista, do you feel focused going into this event?’ Just once I’d like someone to pipe up with something like ‘So, how does your family feel about you portraying an Irish stereotype?’ but make it towards Kane. Why? I don’t know, I’m not like, Einstein, man, God.

Matt Hardy vs. Joey Mercury

Well, Matt Hardy may claim to NEVER DIE, but how will he fair against having MERCURY IN HIS SYSTEM.

Pretty badly, apparently. Kind of a sucky match, just seemed like these guys had no chemistry with each other. Hardy manages to get the clean win by just going through the motions with his finishers, and there you have it.

What did I gain from this match? – clearly, as any good horoscope will tell you, Hardy was destined to win tonight as Mercury was not aligned over the Scorpio’s kindred spirit, Taurus. Also, you will find love in the letter K, and Y.

A quite inadvisable package is now aired, detailing the history of Inferno matches. It was basically a recap of Undertaker vs. Kane, maybe with a few snippets of that wedding I torched attended last summer.

MVP is now on the phone threatening to fire him for getting him stuck on an inferno match. Kennedy interrupts as they both argue about who has the worst time of it at Armageddon. Surely a ‘Forced to watch December to Dismember’ match is the very low? Anyway, doesn’t seem like much of an argument.

‘I could be burned alive.’
‘Oh yeah? Well I COULD BE STUCK IN A CAR AND DRIVEN BACKSTAGE. Have you thought of that? Huh? Punk?’

MVP and Ken Kennedy vs. Kane and Undertaker

JBL has a stupid line about Kennedy being the ‘first man’ to defeat over 5 world champions. I guess Ric Flair just defeated the same guy over and over. Kinda like a short version of the Hardy/Helms feud.

The match itself is how you would expect it, seeing as its been repeated for a few weeks now. It ends up with them all brawling outside, so they all get counted out. Real epic.

What did I gain from this match? – Kennedy and MVP TOTALLY have a chance of winning at the PPV! Ya rlyz! I meanz, alright, they aint even been shown as a real threat, but if they win it’ll be ALL THE MORE MEMORABLE despite them being heels and…oh whatever.

Kennedy tries to escape in the hearse, but the lights go out and Taker appears behind him, making him take his leave.

Chavo Guerrero w/ Vickie vs. Funaki – A haha, ha, oh man. They gotta be kidding right? Oh I can totally see Funaki winning. No, seriously. Fuck me. Funny. Match

Before the match, Chavo demands that Benoit come down and apologise for hitting Vickie. He says he has noting to apologise about, because apparently he actually took the time to watch the fucking taping of last week’s show so he would know the injury of Vickie’s is a ruse OH WAIT NO HE DIIII’INT.

Anyway, squash, as you’d expect, as Funaki gets annihilated by a brainbuster and frogsplash as Benoit watches on. Chavo gets the win.

What did I gain from this match? – Man, trust Canada to just stand idly by as some poor schmuck gets creamed.

Benoit then runs in to attack Chavo, then afterwards he kinda walks off as Vickie is left screaming in the middle of the ring.

Vito vs. Sylvan

UGH. MY CHRIST ON A SHERBERT STICK. This was AWFUL. Only JBL made it watchable. Here’s a few snippets:

Referring to Vito as ‘Mister Cole’
‘Shut up, Cole, so I can do commentary by myself’
‘I wish I brought back some weapons from Iraq so I can kill these two’

Awesome stuff. Anyway, these two manage to fuck up a rollup of all things, as Vito slid OFF Sylvan at 2 but the Ref counted 3 anyway.

What did I gain from this match? – Man, Vito’s Italian and he fucks up a rollup? His pizzas must look like crap.

Some weird backstage segment plays next with Miz along with Kristal, as he seems to be forced to eat weird foods being presented to him such as monkey brains. I really don’t know what to make of this. He comes across worms as the next food and of course Boogeyman pops his head through a CLEARLY VISIBLE hole in the plate. That was just so senseless.

John Cena vs. Finlay

I like this Cena match much better than his usual ones. Finlay just seems like a better opponent for him, because it’d be unrealistic for Cena to just suddenly go SUPERMAN on Finlay’s ass.

Anyways, funny spot at one point where Little Bastard comes out but ends up being thrown at JBL instead of attacking Cena. Well, not the first time JBL’s encountered some weird little freak, right Blue Meanie? Ah I kid.

Anyways, Cena manages to kick out at 2 after a Celtic Cross, which the crowd doesn’t even acknowledge even though that’s supposed to be a huge moment. Cena then recovers to hit the FU. Man, who would have known that placing a legit tough guy carefully on his back would annihilate him. Bah. Cena wins.

What did I gain from this match? – I guess it’s understandable, as Cena is in his hometown. By the way, you can TOTALLY tell this is the ghetto. I mean look at all those mean-ass white kids with FOAM KNUX. You know this clearly isn’t the ghetto because Cena’s father is there. Since when did a ghetto dad give a shit about his kids?

Anyway, Finlay and Booker attack Cena, as they lay him out, Batista comes out to scare them off. End show.

What pleased me? – Some good PPV build for the lower card matches.

What pissed me off? – That…FUCKING Miz segment made no God damn sense. I can’t even joke about it. So I’ll joke about something else.

Why did HHH cross the road? Because he didn’t want the chicken to get over!

And goodnight, ladies and gentleman!

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick 

Lowdown on SmackDown! by British Bullfrog (12/29/06)
Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to your weekly dose of an obnoxious Englishman making offensive jokes that have little to do with the show he's recapping. Only this week, the Englishman in question is I, British Bullfrog. How I ended up doing two recaps in one week is an interesting story and one which will end in me stabbing Joe Merrick in the eye with a ballpoint pen for cursing me with this show. And if you're reading this: You, sir, owe me a pint.

SmackDown opens with King Booker and Finlay asking for a rematch with Batista & John Cena in Teddy Longs office. Oh my God I just realised, with the lack of an Irishman on TNA this may be my once chance to make a ton of tasteless Irish jokes. So, Finlay was having trouble against John Cena last week. Honestly, he should have just stuck a wig and some fake breasts on him, that way he would have had no problem beating him. The sad thing about Little Bastard is he's actually a 7 year old child with the appearence of a middle aged man. Still, that's what happens when you're bottle fed whisky from your first birthday. Ah, that's better. Anyway, back to the show. Teddy Long declines the idea but says they will have a tag match tonight, only against The Brothers Of Destruction. Mark out! I can't wait to see all those big boots to the faces and the inevitable double chokeslam!

Batista comes out to the ring to address his people for the holiday season. Batista comes out to the ring and tells us he is pleased about how this year turned out, despite having to give up his title he is now back as the world heavyweight champion. I swear this man has as much charisma as my grandmother. She's dead. Santa then interrupts Batista, throwing candy canes to the crowd and providing Michael Cole a cheap shill of some merchandise. Santa hands Batista a present but then ZOMG HITS HIM WITH A PIPE! Santa goes for the speedy get away but Ho Ho Holla Teddy Long comes out and tells him to get his jolly ass back in the ring cos he's got a match with Santy.

You know in England we call Santa Claus 'Father Christmas'. But then we also call Americans fat stupid idiots so what do we know, eh? Anyways some good tactics from ol' Chris Kringle as he works Batista's injured arm. The champ come back with a spinebuster and a series of clotheslines. Oh my god! Santa Claus was in fact Sylvan! Spear and a Batista bomb puts Papa Noel away.

Next up JBL and Michael Cole debate whether or not Chris Benoit was going to apply the sharpshooter to Vicky Guerrero at Armageddon before we have us a rematch.


I tell you, this angle is getting more awkward than a conversation I had with a close friend of mine the other week over MSN messenger, and it was pretty fucking awkward.
BULLFROG: Hey, I got a joke for you.
FRIEND: Go for it.
BULLFROG: Knock knock.
FRIEND: Who's there?
BULLFROG: You grandmother.
FRIEND: Your grandmother who?
BULLFROG: She's dead. Sorry to tell you this.
FRIEND: My gran died on my birthday.
Not a good day for me. And yet, the awkwardness I felt right then is nothing compared to how I feel when I realise that over a year after the death of the great Eddie Guerrero they are still dragging this out. As much as us sick bastards that work at this site like to joke about it there really is something deeply wrong with the company when this is still going on. Alongside Little Bastard, this makes me ashamed to be a wrestling fan.

Back and forth action with chops and clotheslines exchanged at the beginning. Chavo is playing the resilient heel, fighting off the sharpshooter twice and kicking out of a diving headbutt. Chavo goes for a frogsplash but Benoit gets the knees up and manages to apply the Crossface. Vicky comes into the ring with the United States title belt and clobbers Benoit with it, causing the DQ. Lots of help there, Vicky.
WINNER: CHRIS BENOIT (via disqualification)

Chris Benoit stares down his dead best friends wife. Do you feel as dirty reading that sentence as I feel writing it? I thought so. Chris decides to take the high road and walks away. Chavo on the other hand has no problem getting up in his dead brothers wife face (this stuff does not bear analyzing) and he pokes her in her injured neck for costing him the match. Benoit rushes in to check on her but gets attacked from behind by Chavo.

Now out comes Gregory Helms and I swear if someone only started watching this show about 6 months ago they'd think that big gold belt is just part of his ring attire. He says all he wants for Christmas is some competition seeing as he's beat every Cruiserweight out there. Come to think of it I think he has...oh wait what about Matt Hardy? I don't recall them ever wrestling, maybe they should book 200 matches. Anyways Helms forgets all about that glass ceiling and says maybe next year he'll start gunning for the heavyweights. No sooner had he said it than the Boogeyman appears (come back Matt, all is forgiven!). Boogey runs to the ring and starts beating up on The Hurricane. He pulls out the worms but Gregory escapes through the crowd. Tony Chimmel announces that the Boogeyman is coming to getcha and this for some reason does not sit well with Boogey who chokes Chimmel and smothers him with worms. Lovely. I'm starting to miss Vince Russo's booking. On seconds thoughts, no I'm not.

A facially deformed Joey Mercury hobbles down to the ring next. First Gregory Helms, then the Boogeyman and now this? I may have to dub this the Ugliest Smackdown Ever. Mercury's eyes are both swollen, especially the left and his nose is smacked up a treat. He shows us footage of his injury and claims there are only two people to blame: Matt and Jeff Hardy. Matt answers this claim by coming out and saying that ladder matches were dangerous and no one hurt him on purpose. Yeah, any injuries that someone may inflict upon you in a WRESTLING match are purely by accident. Mercury challenges Matt to fisticuffs but he refuses. Before Matt can post a bulletin about his tragic encounter Mercury says Matt will have to fight his tag team partner, Johnny Nitro.


Nitro makes his way down to the ring accompanied by Melina and Joey Mercury takes a seat at ringside to view the proceedings. This is apparently an interpromotional match, as if that means anything at all these days. Matt keeps hammering Nitro but not being able to follow through with the three count, with a Side Effect and a Leg Drop both getting only two. In the end Johnny counters the Twist Of Fate twice and gets a backslide pin on Matt, using the ropes for leverage for the three count. A flukey win by cheating isn't exactly brutal vengeance for a facial deformation but there you go.

As we come back from commercials JBL is in the ring calling out Teddy Long. He wants Teddy Long to apologize for what he did to MVP by placing him in an Inferno Match. JBL talks about 'smelling burning flesh' and seeing 'horrific sights', sounds like an average night in the life of Jeff Hardy to me. When Long fails to holla back JBL turns his attention to the fans. He compares us to the crowds in the Roman coliseums and calls us all 'sick sons of bitches'. Great promos, I love seeing JBL on the mic without the added worry that he may try and wrestle. However, Michael Cole is here to play the cold shower to that erection of a promo with an entirely unremarkable interview with Vladimir Koslov who is booed for no reason.

Ah, throwaway match time.
Jillian is playing a heel in this match, at one point trying to win by getting her feet on the ropes. Everyone's looking alright in the ring tonight, with the possible exception of a sloppy Leyla. In the end Ashley hits a pretty impressive flying elbow on Jillian for the three count. For god's sake why with the skirting around the reason their really out there. I miss the days of pillow fights and bra and panties, at least then they were unashamed about the fact that the only reason they were out is to turn people on and not trying to disguise it under some kind of credibility. I'm not knocking woman's wrestling as a whole but....oh I guess I am. Ah well.

My prediction earlier in the night it seems was pretty accurate as this is a match of many, many, many big boots. For most of the match Booker and Finlay isolated and worked down Kane, until Finlay got Undertaker on the outside and twatted him round the head with a shillelagh. Booker then got the deadman in the head with a chair and the ref saw none of this. Of course this barely phased the mighty Taker whereas Kane had to look beat down by no weapons all match. Taker makes it back to his corner to get the hot tag. Double chokeslams, naturally and Undertaker gets the Tombstone on Finlay for the win. Not a bad match, with the King Booker gimmick played down nicely.

Overall this show was distinctly average. Hardy/Nitro, JBL's promo and the main event were all decent enough but nobody needed the diva match, opening match or the seldom welcome appearance of the Boogeyman.

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: JBL's promo was fantastic

For more Smackdown fun check out Joe Merrick's hilarious Armageddon rant as well as the other top quality rants and recaps here at the Fan. That's all from me, and let's all hope you never have to read me twice in one week again.

Send Feedback to British Bullfrog 


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (12/29/06)
When I was asked earlier today whether I would be available to do this review, I thought to myself, ‘A Smackdown ‘BEST OF’ show for this year? Hell, I can review thirty four seconds worth of programming.’ But HARK AND BEHOLD, they filled this shit out. Instead, INSTEAD, I am stuck with two fucking hours worth of dead weight.

But WAIT! WAIT! There is going to be a huge announcement tonight that will change the face of Smackdown… hmmm. Believe me, at this stage, you could give the face of Smackdown plastic surgery, a facelift and a mask designed to look like Miss World, and Smackdown would still come out of the other end looking like Vader’s bare ass.

See, with that joke I kept with the buttock theme of the WWE. Because jeez, I have seen so many naked asses by now, I see man-exits when I close my eyes. …or, erm, that might be because my uncle used to sit on my face when I was five, to keep the ‘Poo Pixies’ away. We don’t really see him much since he went to prison, which is a shame. He used to give me money.

Oh, let’s just get this shit on the road. This surprise better be substancial.

We start the show with Michael Cole. BAD START.

So, we start the REAL show off with a bang, something that I actually like. The Royal Rumble. Man, I love the Royal Rumble. Although… erm… I kinda wish I hadn’t bought it now, because they are showing the only match I was actually interested in on national TV. The egg is truly on MY face. Oh wait, that isn’t egg, it’s the realisation that I paid FIFTEEN FUCKING POUNDS FOR THE SHIT I AM NOW WATCHING FOR FREE. Damn review shows. TELL US THE SURPRISE.

Yeah, Trippers and Mysterio kick Simon Deans ass AGAIN. Then Psychosis comes in, sans car. The police probably confiscated it, what with ‘Finders Keepers’ not actually holding up in court. He gets eliminated. Again. You see, this is the problem with Smackdown… you get this nasty feeling you have seen it all before.

We return at the end of the match, with Tatanka still in the damn ring! Oh yes, that brings back memories. I remember, because I turned to my friend, (imaginary) and said, ‘WHAT THE HELL IS TATANKA STILL DOING IN THERE?’. He had no answer.

You know, why the hell am I reviewing something which has already been reviewed… and probably slightly better too. Probably.

Rey wins the Rumble. This is the beginning of a push like no other! Oh yes, a push which somehow managed to be a push UPWARDS and DOWNWARDS at the same time! Reminds me of that time in the office…

Boss:- Kevin, you are finally getting that promotion! Congratulations!
Me:- Erm, wow! Brilliant! So, whats the deal.
Boss:- Well, you know how you currently work in this office?
Me:- Yeah…
Boss:- Well, you are being promoted to OFFICIAL TOILET CLEANER. And it will be YOUR JOB and YOUR JOB ALONE to control hygiene in the toilets!
Me:- Wow. Erm… boss…
Boss:- Yes?
Me:- Isn’t that a demotion?
Boss:- Why, no! It isn’t, and you know why!? You get this BIG SHINY BELT!
Me:-… you bastard.

Fun times.

Lets skim through some crap here. Some WWE in Iraq is shown, which always holds about as much value as a Europe only pay per view. The title is always on the line but we all know the champ isn’t losing it. On Insurrexion? Don’t be stupid. The limeys ain’t worth that. But… erm… way to keep up the soldiers morale and junk.

Lt. Parker:- Right men! We have found the perfect solution to distract you from the VIOLENCE and BLOOD and PAIN of war!
Soldier:- Wow! Go on.
Lt Parker:- Wait for it… wait for it… the VIOLENCE and BLOOD and PAIN of wrestling! And the best thing? They won’t even begin to feel our pain, because it’s all FAKE!

Next we have the Wrestlemania Triple Threat title match. Unfortunately, I sneezed, and missed this whole thing. I was gutted, because when the actual match was on, I blinked and missed three quarters. TELL US THE SURPRISE.

Now they change the format completely, and unofficially, to the Worst of Wrestling Ever. EVER. Diva Search final, with the Miz. The Miz won, I think.

Moving the FUCK on.

Next we have something that is actually worthy of a mention, Taker and Kane reuniting and beating two jobbers. Erm, MVThingy and Ken Something. You know, feuds don’t really work when you think that even if the opponent had a machine gun, a chainsaw, an elixir to cure all ailments and an adamantium bone structure, he still wouldn’t fucking win. Doesn’t help that Taker is INDESTRUCTIBLE. The Brothers win, next clip.

Oooh, now here is a moment, the night one of The Voices of Smackdown got his ass kicked so bad he was forced to retire. Lowering his credibility to the stage just below the people who deny the Holocaust happened, and just a little below Santa Claus. TELL US THE SURPRISE!

JESUS, they heard me! JBL introduces Teddy, who has the big news. My guess is that it will be a Last Man Living match for MVP. What? That jokes been done before? By who? …who??

Okay, lets give the news the space it will so CLEARLY deserve. Here we go!...

Starting from next week, we will see the Smackdown Sprint. This is a series of matches. The person who gets the quickest victory of all the matches goes on to face the Champ at the Royal Rumble for the title.

Wow. Erm…. Wow. So, erm, carry on…

Teddy:- That’s it, playa.

Hmm. Right. FUCK SMACKDOWN. This is more disappointing than my Christmas presents this year!

Me:- Ooooh look… it’s a… best of Khali DVD.
Mum:- I knew you’d love it.
Me:- Gee. Thanks. I needed a blank disk.
Mum:- Open your next one!
Me:- (Rips paper) Wow! ‘The History Of The Diva Search…
Mum:- Awww, look at those tears of happiness! And he hasn’t even opened the Eric Bischoff book yet!

Fucking… right, on with the show. It is what Owen Hart would have wanted, or something.

Speaking of dead wrestlers, now they are showing the Eddie shit from this year, and I fucking refuse to review any of it at all. I’ll list it in bullet points.

-Video Package, Vickie Betrays Mysterio.
-I Quit, Chavo Vs Mysterio, Chavo wins.

It doesn’t matter whether the match was okay, or the matches since have been okay, the angle stinks and I’m sick of it. I’m sorry, but personally, it isn’t even ABOUT Eddie for me. It’s just ridiculously stretched out. And worse, it’s BORING. That is NOT what Eddie would have fucking wanted. A pulse, maybe. But a crappy, boring fucking feud placing his mourning wife as the heel!? I don’t think that would be high on the priority list.

Moving on. We get more stuff from somewhere where lots of soldiers are. So, Joe Merricks momma’s bedroom.

THAT, my friend, is revenge. Shall we call it even?

So, now we are onto the first appearance of The Little Bastard. Hey! Michael Cole didn’t debut this year! Jeez, guys, continuity in wrestling sucks.

Now the Benoit vs. Finlay match from Judgement Day. Now that’s pretty cool, good choice. So far, this Best Of has been lacklustre to say the least. It’s like they hired the guys from VH1 to choose the best.


But hey, we finally get a Stairway To Heaven! Lets hope this chain continues past… erm… one match.

Nope, a video package with The Boogeyman biting moles. I hate you, Sean Carless.

Right. Next. We have the King Booker and Batista stuff! And as I look over to the clock, the show must be coming to a close, thank Buddha. I don’t trust God anymore, just incase he no-shows. I make too many jokes about that, but I don’t have a regular fan-base so none of you know that! Haaaaaaaaahaaaaaaa!

Booker vs. Batista at the Survivor Series now. I have never been a Batista mark. Can’t see it happening any time soon either. I’m counting down the minutes now. I really am. So, they show a fair bit of Booker/Batista stuff, capped off with Batista bravely and gallantly winning the title by hitting Booker square between the eyes with it.

Gorilla Monsoon:- But Booker INTRODUCED THE BELT INTO TH…

Oh, do take your bias elsewhere. Bloody racists.

There’s the inferno match! There’s the Last Ride match! There’s the Ladder Tag Match! There’s Cole saying that 2007 will be better than 2006! There’s the end! THANK GOD. I’m outta here.

And I’m back. Because apparently, if I don’t conclude this, I’m going to be made to do the recap show next year. WAAAH! WAAAH!

Okay, here’s my conclusion. Here is the TRUE recap of this year. There has been some good. Finlay, Kennedy, Benoit, Booker’s reign, Regal, Kendrick and London, Hardy… there is a lot of talent on Smackdown, and the show could be brilliant. Plus, with JBL at the announcers booth, the entertainment factor IS always there. But Wrestling is really lacking something at the moment. And I’ll tell you what. Competition. There is no-one for Vince to beat, nowhere to strive. The fans don’t expect anything more. Why give them a golden nugget when they willingly accept a nugget of shit?

Will things be better in 2007? I doubt it. But I am looking into the future, and TNA may be what Wrestling needs to really find its niche again. Not because TNA are revolutionising the business, oh no. But because if they continue to grow, and I hope they do, they will give Vince the competition he so sorely misses. The drive to be the best. The urge to make the fans NEED to watch the damn show.

I look to 2008 as the year that Wrestling may find it’s attitude again.

I hope.

I’m the Anvil, and you are my bitch. Yes, you.

Send Feedback to The Anvil's Swagbag 

The Anvil's Swagbag has eight girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).