Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum


August 01, 2008
August 08, 2008
August 15, 2008
August 22, 2008
August 29, 2008

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (08/01/08) 

Hello, everybody! Welcome once again to the Lowdown on Smackdown! I'm your host, Shane Steele and tonight, Edge promises a mystery guest! Intriguing (not really).
Here comes Jeff Hardy! Did he spit water or was that just his hair? I couldn't tell. Turns out Jeff won't be wrestling right now. Heck, he won't even bother to do guest commentary. He's just gonna sit in front of the announce table.
MVP vs. Jimmy Wang Yang
Before the match, P takes the time to diss on Jeff Hardy and his recklessness. JR calls Yang "our favorite Asian redneck". Do you see any other Asian rednecks running around?
MVP starts off with knees to the gut.  Yang escapes, but MVP counters by tossing him into the air. P controls until Yang lands on his feet after a snapmare. The usual crazy kicks follow until MVP counters a crossbody into a gutbuster. A straight kick to the face wins it.
After the match, Jeff runs in and says never to bring up his past again. P goes for a cheap shot, but Jeff blocks and hits a Twist of Fate. Later, Jeff will face The Great Khali.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: When I rub my face into someone else's, I tend to get my ass kicked.
Chavo sucks up to Vickie, but stops dead when he sees Alicia. He, Bam, and Vickie sulk away.
Mr. Kennedy W/ KENNEDY! vs. Shelton Benjamin W/ Gold Standard-ness (Non-title match)
Benjamin works headlocks to start the match off. Kennedy counters an attempted charge with an elbow. Shelton goes outside to take a breather, only to come back and get trapped in an armbar. Benji battles out and hits a vertical suplex for 2.  The two trade blows in the corner until Kennedy prevails and slaps on an armbar. In an impressive spot, Kennedy counters both an armdrag and a scoop slam to hold on to the armbar. Eventually, Shelton battles out, but he gets hit with that crazy spinning kick. Shelton dodges the attempted charge and slams Kennedy's shoulder into the ringpost as we go to commercials. OH THE HORROR!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Digital TV for everyone: OK. Low cost converter: Not OK.
Back from the break, Shelton hits a hammerlock-to-shoulder breaker slam. Awesome. Shelton continues to work the shoulder, but Kennedy breaks free by reversing an armlock into a Boston crab. Benji escapes and tosses Kennedy from the ring, but he comes back with a flurry of offense. Shelton blocks a corner charge and hits a full cross body for 2. Kennedy goes for a backslide, but it gets block, only for Kennedy to turn around and hit a Mic Check for the win. Great match.
WINNER: Mr. Kennedy.
Post match, Eve mysteriously materializes at ringside to interview Shelton, who attributes his loss to a bout with bronchitis.  Good Lord! We better get a cure for this stuff fast!
Backstage, the Edgeheads play with a cell phone much like cavemen play with fire. Chavo barges in and tries to find out who the mystery guest is, but the 'Heads have no idea.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: You should also never give a dangerous man a car with a gun.
The Brian Kendrick W/ Ezekiel vs. Stevie Richards
Apparently, Brian has added a "The" to the front of his name so he won't get confused with all the other Brian Kendricks out there. Before the match, he says he hated being with Paul London, doesn't care about anyone, and anyone who doesn't like it can take it up with Zeke. I'll pass.
Kendrick kicks and punches and works a camel clutch. Missile dropkick to the back gets 2. A full Boston crab, followed by some more kicking. Richards dodges a corner splash and starts kicking like nuts. A powerbomb spinebuster gets 2. Stevie kicks Kendrick off the apron, but Zeke catches him and sets him down gently. Aw. Just like mom used to do.  From there, Zeke distracts, Kendrick bounces Richards's head off the ropes, and hits Sliced Bread #2, which is now known as The Kendrick.
WINNER: The Brian Kendrick. In honor of The Kendrick, I now dub my finishing move of leaping onto my bed The Steele.
Zeke comes in and puts Stevie in a torture rack. Guess it beats Kozlov's head. Jeff vs. Khali is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I wish I could launch hot dogs from a sling shot.
The Great Khali W/ Runjin Singh vs. Jeff Hardy
Shoving contest leads to some Jeff attacks, but with no effect. Khali nails a clothesline and starts kicking Jeff's ass all over the place from there. Before the break, Khali tosses Jeff from the top turnbuckle to the outside.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I wanna kill that dude from Juno too!
Khali is applying a nerve hold to Jeff's bloody shoulder. Jeff battles out and hits a Whisper in the Wind, followed by a Swanton bomb. Before he can cover, MVP runs out and the two start brawling outside the ring. Khali pulls Jeff back in the wind and mashes his brain (or what's left after all the drugs) with the visegrip for the win.
WINNER: The Great Khali. MVP taunts the fallen Jeff and FINALLY does the "ballin'" symbol again.
A video package of R-Truth in prison. He says it sucks being told when to eat. Dude, it beats getting made someone's bitch any day.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Don't play the field with chicken.
Maria W/ Furry Hood and Melina's pants (?) vs. Victoria
Victoria starts off the match by poking Maria in the boobs. It's times like this when I wish I was Victoria. Victoria dominates for a bit until Maria hits a dropkick. A hurricarana follows suit, but Victoria turns the next charge into a side slam for 2. Victoria works a full nelson from there, but Maria escapes and goes for a pin that gets 2. Maria then counters a corner charge into a top turnbuckle clothesline for the win.
WINNER: Maria.
Backstage, Edge tells Alicia to sit front row so she can see the mystery guest.
Triple H gets a video package. I love how Triple H never has to wrestle to build up his feuds these days. Good job, Trips!
This is followed by a SummerSlam rundown. How come only Cena and Batista get cool movie appearance scenes? Big Show in action next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I would feel totally ripped off if I was told that pizza was not made in the restaurant I was eating in.
Big Show vs. Domino
 Domino almost immediately gets tossed from the ring. Better him than his shirt. That shirt leads to his only offense when he throws it in Show's face and follows with a few punches.  Chokeslam, win.
WINNER: The Big Show.
Bam and Chavo tell Vickie  they couldn't find out who the mystery guest is, so they'll just have to watch and find out like everyone else. GOD FORBID THEY HAVE TO WAIT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! Speaking of anticipation (or lack thereof), The Cutting Edge is next!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: None. My brother made me watch The X-Games. I hate The X-Games.
Cutting Edge time. A table, a ladder, and a chair are in the ring. Edge regrets getting involved with The Undertaker because of all the pain and suffering. I regret stubbing my toe because of all the pain and suffering. Edge then hilariously states that he surrounded himself with tables, ladders, and chairs to protect himself. I can see his house now. Folding chairs and tables everywhere and a circle of ladders around the house. Priceless.  Edge reveals his special guest, who turns out to be...MICK FOLEY. Foley decides to comes out because Edge said "please". Edge presents a "Greatest Hits of 1998" video package, complete with The Godfather! Oh, and Hell in a Cell too. Edge says Foley is a changed man since that match and wants him to help him so that he can exorcise the demon of The Undertaker. Wait, he's a demon now? I thought he was a zombie. Foley wants to help, but says the only man who can help is Edge himself, because if 'Taker faces "this Edge", he's gonna kill him. Edge says he understands and punches Foley. Foley fights back and goes for a chair outside, but Edge kicks it into his face and spears him. He sets up the table and ladder (complete with Foley on the table), climbs the ladder with a chair, and leaps off, driving himself and the chair through Foley, all while "understanding".
Well, that's all for this edition of the Lowdown on Smackdown. Until next week, I'm Shane Steele (unless I decide to start using my full name). 


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (08/08/08) 

Hey-Yo! Shane Steele once again with The Lowdown on Smackdown. And it could be my last night. I mean, the only matches announced are a six Diva tag match and an arm wrestling contest. Chances are strong TV this bad could kill me.
Our hosts tonight are Jim Ross and...TAZZ? Not for nuthin', this is off the chain! A real rocketbusta! Speaking of said Diva match, here it comes!
Maryse (dressed as a tennis player), Victoria (as a gymnast), and Natalya (as a jockey?) vs. Michelle McCool (as a volleyball player), Cherry (as a boxer), and Maria (as a skier? Retard. Winter Olympics ain't for 2 more years): Olympic Six Diva Tag of STUPIDITY!
Michelle and Natalya start off because lets face it, nobody cares about anyone else. The two trade holds until Maria tags in and hits a shoulder block with Michelle on Natalya. After some boredom, Natalya throws out Maria and cheap shots Michelle. Cherry runs in and hits a double arm DDT on Natalya. Victoria attacks with a Widows Peak on Cherry. Michelle hits a big boot on Victoria. Maryse tosses Michelle from the ring. Maria hits a bulldog on Maryse. Natalya slaps the Sharpshooter on Maria for the win.
WINNERS: Natalya, Victoria, Maryse. Guess the latter two were there for, um, moral support?
OH MY GOD, BAM NEELY IS DOWN. Who will entertain us with great facial expressions now? Chavo finds a black rose among the carnage and brings it to Vickie.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Rhinos do not fetch. At least the one in TNA doesn't.
Edgeheads vs. Jimmy Wang Yang and Shannon Moore (Non-Title Match)
What sucks is this is Shannon's last match, as he was released today. Poor dude. Had it not been for Jimmy's suspension, I was hoping they'd put the tag belts on them. Instead, we get the useless Edgeheads.
Wang trips up Hawkins and works over the arm. Tag to Shannon and an armdrag-senton combo follows. After a bit, Yang tags back in and a double team move gets 2. Hawkins reverses a corner charge, hits a clothesline, and tags to Ryder. Usual Edgehead offense of punches and headlocks follows. Yang reverses and attempted suplex into a crossbody for 2. Hawkins tags in. Stomps follow. A surprise vertical suplex. Yang reverses a chinlock into a jawbreaker. Ryder and Moore are in now and Shannon is on FIYAH! Top rope crossbody gets broken up. Yang goes nuts and attacks Hawkins. The ref chastises Yang and sends him back to his corner, allowing the Edgeheads to hit move #5 (the double DDT) for the win.
WINNERS: The Edgeheads.
Eve is backstage with MVP. P blames all of Jeff's losses on his recklessness. Eve shows a replay of Jeff's loss at Saturday Night's Main Event, where the bigger story was Autism no-showing his match with Jenny McCarthy. Bastard. Oh, and MVP interfered. MVP says his kick was just retaliation for the Twist of Fate he got last Friday. How I wish this could apply to real life. Neighbor won't return your weedwhacker? Kick him in the face. Somebody steal your parking spot? Kick him in the face. Imagine the problems we could solve. Jeff Hardy faces Shelton Benjamin next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: The ACC kicks of on the CW on my birthday. Awesome.
Jeff Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin (Non-Title Match)
Jeff starts off working on Shelton's arm. Shelton counters with a drop toehold, followed by a headlock. Jeff fights him off, but Shelton hits a shoulderblock and slaps on another headlock. Jeff fights out and hits some armdrags. From there, he works and armbar. Shelton backs him into a corner and follows up with some kicks. This leads to (you guessed it) a headlock. Jeff fights out. A corkscrew dropkick sends Shelton outside. Jeff hits a crossbody over the top rope. He rolls Shelton back into the ring and hits a scoop slam. Jeff goes to the top rope, but Shelton leaps up, only to get knocked back down. He does, however, roll out of the way of a Swanton. Cover gets 2. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Allergy medications=time in a bottle? I needs allergy meds now!
Shelton is kneeing Hardy in the head and then works a HEADLOCK. Jeff works him into a corner and the two trade punches. Hardy goes for a Whisper in the Wind, but Shelton knocks him off the turnbuckle and covers for 2. Shelton works the leg for a LONG time before Jeff rolls to the outside. Shelton leaps off the apron, but Jeff kicks him in the gut. Once back in the ring, Jeff hits some crazy clotheslines for 2. Whisper in the Wind also gets 2. Then again, when doesn't it? A jawbreaker sends Shelton to the corner, but Shelton catches Hardy mid-corner kick and nails a powerslam for 2. Hardy blocks the attempted Paydirt and hits the Twist of Fate and a Swanton in short order. Before he can cover, MVP runs in and kicks him in the head again.
Backstage, Chavo tells Vickie he thinks the roses are from Undertaker. Hawkins runs in and says he can't find Ryder. The suspense builds.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Jones-Drew '09 just doesn't have the same ring to it.
Indian Broken Glass Arm Wrestling Contest: Triple H vs. The Great Khali W/ Runjin Singh
Wait, what makes the broken glass Indian? Racists.
Khali talks gibberish and of course, Triple H mocks said gibberish. Runjin translates the drivel as Khali saying Trips should run like a scared little girl while he still has the chance. Trips retaliates by saying Khali is a big genie and should go back and hide in his lamp. Ugh, Trips? He's Indian, not Arabic. GET IT RIGHT. Though, with Khali's Hammer-esque pants, I guess one could mistake him for a Genie. The contest finally starts after HHH stalls for a bit. I thought the heel was supposed to be the coward. Arm wrestling goes nowhere, so Khali just butts Trips in the head and tosses the table aside, shattering the Indian glass in the process. He goes for the chokebomb, but Trips escapes and tries a Pedigree to no avail. A brain chop and Vise Grip follow.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: What, soldiers don't have souls? Assholes.
Hawkins is out. Another emo black rose is on his chest. Man, all we need now is a maniac with a chainsaw (Chainsaw Charlie?).
R-Truth says like is like basketball. It's dominated by people who are taller than you. OK, maybe that's not what he said.
Chavo and Vickie quiver in horror movie fear. Chavo says they need to find Edge for help. Good luck Chavo. Hope the monster/maniac/deformed mutant/whatever the hell it is doesn't kill you.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Never sneeze in your sleep.
Vladimir Kozlov W/ The Power of Communism vs. Jesse W/ Festus
Jesse is one big dumb moron for not letting Festus wrestle this one. He's nuts and he beats people up for Christ's sake. Just sit back and let him do what he does.
Basic squash here. Kozlov wins it with the headbutt as Jesse went off the top rope.
WINNER: Kozlov. Post match, Kozlov studies the dull Festus and wanders off, wondering if the Soviets can harness his brute power to rule the world or something.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Nothing I haven't seen before.
RAW recap of poor Ted and Cody getting utterly buried under the mighty power of Cena and Batista.
Chavo tells Vickie Edge has agreed to help, but he wants Vickie to be nice. Vickie shreds the black rose in rage. Angry much?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: It sucks to see an awesome song like "Welcome to the Jungle" used for such a shitty movie.
The Brian Kendrick W/ Ezekiel vs. Super Crazy
Apparently, Ezekiel has gained the last name of Jackson. Good for him.
Kendrick starts off with his usual kicks and punches. Crazy tries to fire back, but Kendrick just kicks him more. Kendrick works a submission for a bit until Crazy battles out. Kendrick dodges a corner charge and hits a dropkick. He goes to a camel clutch. More kicks follow for 2. Crazy battles out of and abdominal stretch. Standing moonsault gets 2. Crazy goes to the top, but Ezekiel unleashes THE STARE OF DOOM, allowing Kendrick to hit The Kendrick for the win.
WINNER: The Brian Kendrick.
Zeke comes in and applies the torture rack. Damn, he has man-boobs. Guess somebody had to fill the gaping void left by Big Daddy V.
Edge comes to Chavo and Vickie and says if they want to avoid 'Taker, they have to do it his way. Vickie agrees.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Was that Jack Hanna?
Edge, Vickie, and Chavo head to the ring. Edge tosses in two chairs, making it all the more obvious who the mystery assailant is. Edge calls out UT, but to no avail. When Chavo turns his back, Edge blasts him with the chair and he crumples to the floor. Edge follows with a conchairto, which Chavo sells by doing nothing. Either he's out cold or he's dead. Edge pulls Vickie to the center and flings her out of her wheelchair to huge cheers. Face it WWE, nobody likes this woman. Edge get in close and says if Taker's taking him to Hell, he'll drag Taker and La Familia with him. NOT BAM! But can you leave the Edgeheads down there? They say Hell is repetition, but heck, even Satan doesn't resort to the old punch-kick-stomp-double DDT routine.
Well, that's it for The Lowdown on Smackdown. Until next week, I'm Shane Steele (unless I get my Ph.D.. Then it's DR. Shane Steele to you!).


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (08/15/08) 

Welcome once again to the Lowdown on Smackdown! I'm your host, Shane Steele and tonight, all wrestlers who trained in Chicago not named CM Punk will SUFFER! Just a fair warning of what lies ahead.
Jeff Hardy vs. (C) Shelton Benjamin for the US title
Not-So-Fun Fact: Smackdown hasn't seen a title change on the show since Miz and Morrison won the tag team titles back in November. All the other changes have occurred on Pay-Per-View. Things ain't lookin' too good for Jeff. Speaking of Jeff, I wonder which black guy will run in and kick him in the face again tonight? Hint: It's probably not Shelton (though if he ruins this joke, I'm gonna be pissed).
Shelton works a headlock after the lock-up, but Hardy counters with a ton of roll-ups, only to get 2. Shelton escapes a Twist of Fate attempt and runs out of the ring. When he gets back in the ring, he punches like crazy and goes back to more headlocky goodness. Jeff tires to escape, but walks into a takedown for 2. Jeff battles out of the corner and dodges the corner kick turned powerslam spot the worked last week. Then he hits a spinny dropkick and the corner kick. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Since when are Dolphins fans marketable?
We return to Jeff working a headscissors headlock. Shelton reverses into a pin for 2. Jeff manages to hit a clothesline, but Shelton recovers and powerbombs him into a corner. A vertical suplex follows. Shelton starts to work a really shitty cloverleaf, so he just turns it into a half Boston crab. Jeff gets the ropes anyway. Shelton hits a torture rack to Samoan drop for 2. Jeff tries to fight back, but gets hit with a dragon whip for 2. THANKS FOR RUINING MY JOKE, SHELTON! Jeff dodges a corner splash and follows up with a jawbreaker, a clothesline, and a Whisper in the Wind. However, Shelton reverses the Twist of Fate attempt into a backbreaker for 2. Both men collide on crossbody attempts. Shelton has his powerbomb attempt countered into a hurricarana. Both men superbotch in the corner, but Shelton manages to land on his back, so Hardy heads up top, only to get shoved off by MVP.
WINNER: Jeff Hardy.
MVP again tries to kick Jeff in the head, but Jeff dodges and Shelton gets nailed instead. MVP eats Twist of Fate and both Shelton and P get Swantoned. Two black men getting beat down by a white guy from North Carolina? Good to see you're still around, Michael Hayes.
Vickie cringes in terror backstage until Victoria comes in. Vickie asks if she's seen either Edge or 'Taker, to which Victoria replies no. Vickie breaks down and starts whimpering and crying. Crowd cheers.
Triple H in action tonight! Who shall be his unfortunate victim?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Save the planet, ride a bicycle.
Later tonight, Kozlov will do battle with Festus. Russia vs. Wherever the Hell Festus is from: the greates rivalry you never knew existed.
Michelle McCool and Maria vs. Maryse and Natalya
Maria and Maryse start off. Maryse hits a nice legsweep. Tag to Natalya. Maria goes offensive with a headlock and a kick to the gut. Natalya counters with a side slam and a vertical suplex. Maria roll-up gets 2, followed by a Natalya clothesline for 2. Maria escapes the heel corner and tags to Michelle McBeast, who proceeds to destroy everything in her path until getting rolled up.
WINNERS: Maryse and Natalya.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Is this the first Vin Diesel movie since The Pacifier?
The Brian Kendrick W/ Ezekiel Jackson vs. Scotty Goldman W/O Colt Cabana-ness
Hey, it's Colt Cabana, er, Scotty Goldman! Sporting a sense of humor and tights with 60's Batman-esque onomatopoeias!
Kendrick starts off with his usual crazy kicks and camel clutch. Scotty fights out and dodges a corner charge, only to hit a GIANT FLYING BUTT! Seriously, he hit him with his ass.  Kendrick reverses a powerbomb and hits The Kendrick for the win.
WINNER: The Brian Kendrick
Post match, Zeke hits a shoulder charge on poor Scotty. Somewhere, CM Punk and Samoa Joe are laughing.
Eve talks to Triple H. Replay of last weeks  God-awful arm wrestling fiasco. Trips says he'll beat Khali at SummerSlam, but gets interrupted by...Kenny Dykstra? Battle of the Weird Noses ensues, while Trips nails the easy Spirit Squad reference and says he'll beat up Kenny tonight.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Thankfully, smoking does not severely burn children.
Khali and Runjin are out so Khali can talk gibberish. Runjin translates this crap as Khali will beat Triple H and that nobody is greater than Khali. Well, except The Greatest Khali. We just haven't found him yet. Runjin sits down for commentary while Khali stands next to him menacingly.
Triple H vs. Kenny Dykstra
It's Kenny's return match! Yay! He celebrates with a few punches and a clothesline, only to be hit by (in this order) a clothesline, a knee slam, another clothesline, a SHADES OF ARN ANDERSON spinebuster, and a pedigree. Yay?
WINNER: Triple H.
Trips goes out and drags poor Runjin into the ring, trying to goad Khali into fighting him. Khali runs in to save his mouthpiece, only to get punched a few times and clotheslined over the top.
Big Show crushing a jobber, er, in action, next!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Fatty says "Get some!".
Big Show vs. Ryan Braddock
Ryan Braddock looks like an unholy cross between Johnny Nitro and Robert Roode. And in the time it took me to write that, he got punched in the face for the loss.
WINNER: Big Show, who's sole purpose in life seems to be to beat up jobbers and lose the occasional #1 Contender's match.
Eve tries to talk to MVP, but he goes all "Bitch, please" and grabs her mic. He says he was only trying to help Jeff through his troubles, but now he's going to beat him down. Jacksploitation. Noun. The exploitation of the death of Jeff Hardy's dog.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: There is nothing cool about being an attorney.
Victoria is looking really bored. Vickie throws another bitch fit and wants Victoria to help her leave.
It's another R-Truth promo! And by now, if you haven't gotten that he lived in the hood, learned his lesson, and wants to help kids and all that jazz, you must be blind and deaf. Or channel surfing. Either one.
Kozlov vs. Festus is next, as Russians everywhere eagerly anticipate this, um, highly exciting match?
Vickie and Victoria make it to the limo, but who should pop out of the back seat, but Edge! Vickie screams bloody murder while Victoria apparently fades into nothingness. Crazy Edge says they're going for a ride, merrily wheeling Vickie off. Heel kick! Gotta love the heel kick.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT:  Never cheat on a cow.
Festus W/ A Spirited Jesse vs. Vladimir Kozlov W/ The Spirits of Lenin and Stalin?
Festus starts off with a whole load of punches. Kozlov fires back and soon, both men are brawling outside the ring. Kozlov tosses Jesse into the steps. Back inside the ring, Kozlov dominates for a bit until Festus powers out of a bearhug. Fallaway slam, clothesline, and butt drop get 1. Yes, 1. NEVER DOUBT THE POWER OF COMMUNISM! Festus follows up with a big kick and a corner charge, but gets hit with a headbutt while going for a shoulder charge.
WINNER: Vladimir Kozlov. "United forever, in friendship and labor, our mighty republics, will ever endure....".
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I guess previous summers where Summers of Death.
A full SummerSlam rundown, minus the Glamarella-James/Kingston match and Hardy vs. MVP. Because who cares about the show openers?
Oh my God, Edge nearly ran Vickie into a chair! Somebody's got to stop this man! Dear God, she's breaking down again. Seriously Vickie, it's a trip through the back, not a trip through Hell (in a Cell?). Crazy Edge and Panicky Vickie will hit the ring next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I'm so sinking Jack Sparrow's ship. Just beacause.
Edge wheels Vickie out and dumps her ass out of the chair. Crowd loves it. Anyone else noticing a pattern here. Edge says this is all just a rough patch in their marriage. He wants the fans to see the good times, so he shows a video package of Vickie making the Hell in a Cell match and Edge subsequently losing his mind. Edge demands Vickie apologize to 'Taker and Vickie delivers, only to have Edge blame her for all his problems. He says UT will burn in Hell with him and challenges him to come out, but of course, he doesn't. Last words: "Edge vs. Undertaker...til death do us part". Uh oh. We could be seeing this for a while.
Well, that's it for the Lowdown on Smackdown. Until next week, I'm Shane Steele (unless the world ends. Then there ain't gonna be no next week).


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (08/22/08) 

Hello, everybody! Once again it's me, Shane Steele, with the Lowdown on Smackdown. Before the show, we get a quick recap of SummerSlam, Smackdown Style! Triple H defeated The Great Khali (predictable)! Undertaker sent Edge to Hell (predictable)! Jeff Hardy got kicked in the face (predictable)!
After that, we get a shot of Vickie Guerrero, who is clearly not looking her best tonight. Rough nights, Vickie? Vickie goes on to blame everything she's done on Edge and totally not her inability to say "no". Lashley should start coaching her. She laughs at Edge being down in Hell and feels so good about Undertaker being back. And not to be outdone by RAW, Smackdown will be getting it's own Championship Scramble at Unforgiven. Vickie goes over the rules while Vince Russo sits in his house think "Damn, why didn't I come up with this?". Five men enter and have twenty minutes in the ring. Whenever someone pins someone, they become champion. The last guy to get a pinfall or submission is champ for good. Is your head hurting yet? Qualifying matches will happen tonight and include Jeff Hardy vs. Great Khali and MVP vs....Festus?
Maria in action next! Much to the delight of, um, horny guys with nothing better to whack off to?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Mercenaries do not sing happy little songs about their jobs.
Maria vs. Natalya
Natalya starts off with a nice fireman's carry, which we never see firemen perform. Probably would be easier than hauling people down the ladder. Maria counters with a headlock takedown. Natalya escapes and the two trade armbars. Maria hits a hurricarana and Natalya follows with a legdrag. Natalya works the legs for a bit until Maria escapes and hits a jawbreaker. A few clotheslines and a bronco buster follow. The two roll to the outside and start fighting until Maryse comes down to help Natalya beat down Maria.
Apparently, Maria broke Maryse's nose in a match nobody bothered to inform anyone about, as I never saw Maryse with one of those funny masks most people with broken noses wear. The two double team Maria until Michelle McCool shows up and scares them away.
Bam and Chavo wheel Vickie around until they run into Big Show. Show is excited about the Scramble and can't wait to have his qualifier, but Vickie says she forgot to make a match for him. Ouch. That hurts. Show wanders off, trying not to cry. Seriously.
A 10 Man Battle Royal is next and the winner will get into the Scramble. Big Show comes out to watch, and boy, did he get over his depression fast. All smiles and handshakes once again. Show will watch.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Silly Browns fan, Brady Quinn sucks!
10 Man Battle Royal featuring Super Crazy, Funaki, Armando Estrada, Ryan Braddock, Scotty Goldman, The Brian Kendrick, Zach Ryder, Curt Hawkins, VLADIMIR KOZLOV, and Jimmy Wang Yang: Championship Scramble Qualifier (Wow, that took a while)
Everybody brawls. A bunch of people toss Kozlov out, as Communists everywhere weep. The Edgeheads toss out Scotty Goldman. Big Show suddenly gets pissed for no reason and goes in to toss out Braddock, The 'Heads, Super Crazy, Estrada (who lands on his head), Funaki, Kendrick (who is caught by Ezekiel, his feet never touching the floor), and Yang. Big Show exits, his usual worthlessness done for the day. Zeke rolls Kendrick back in and he is declared the winner.
WINNER: The Brian Kendrick. A mid-carder getting main event push? What will they think of next?
Kendrick proceeds to dance around the ring like he's on drugs. Not exactly my ideal way of celebrating.
Undertaker comes back later tonight. Yay?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Just what the world needs: another stereotypical college movie.
Dear God, more R-Truth promos! Thankfully, he'll debut next week.
MVP W/ THE RETURN OF THE TUNNEL! vs. Festus W/ Jesse: Championship Scramble Qualifier
Festus goes all crazy, but MVP starts firing away with some punches. The ref breaks it up and Festus takes the chance to beat on MVP. A Festus suplex gets 2. The two trade blows until Festus wins and nails a big clothesline for 2. A fallaway slam follows. MVP gets in a cheap shot and tosses Festus into the ringpost, then the turnbuckle.  MVP works the arm for a while, dodging multiple Festus comeback attempts until Festus finally hits a Samoan drop. More punches, a corner flying butt, a flying shoulder charge, and a butt drop follow. MVP knees Festus in the gut, but Festus blocks a charge and sends P outside the ring. Both brawl on the outside until MVP kicks Jesse in the face. Festus goes to check on his partner while MVP slides into the ring before the 10 count.
WINNER BY COUNT-OUT: MVP. I mean, come on. Did you really think Festus would win and get a WWE title shot?
Speaking of Festus, he resumes being a moron, allowing MVP to boot him in the face and out of the ring. Shelton vs. Finlay in a qualifying match is next.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Dogs don't pay taxes. They have people for that.
Shelton Benjamin vs. Finlay W/ Hornswoggle: Championship Scramble Qualifier
Pre-match, Shelton takes a cheap shot at Michael Phelps for being dubbed "The New Gold Standard" for winning medals for his homeland. He goes on to say he spit on Lincoln's grave, doesn't stand for the Pledge of Allegiance, thinks the Washington Monument looks like a penis, and other anti-American crap. Or not.
Shelton pushes Finlay into a corner for the ref break-up. Finlay fires off some punches and works a headlock with a takedown. Shelton gets up, but another takedown follows. More corner shoving, only this time, Shelton goes completely nuts and starts punching and kicking all over the place. Both men start brawling and roll out of the ring, only to quickly roll back in. Finlay starts to work over the knee for a bit until Shelton dodges a corner charge that sends Finlay into the post. Shelton works Finlay's shoulder until the usual "baseball slide to Oh no, I'm now trapped in the apron!" spot. Finlay goes to the top rope, but Shelton shoves him off and he lands awkwardly outside the ring. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: No, Forrest Whitaker. You will be The Last King of Scotland! Trust me, way better than being Chief.
Shelton is now working over Finlay's head and proceeds to do so for a LONG time. Finlay counters a corner charge, but gets hit with an exploder suplex for 2.  Finlay gets up and goes on the offensive with clotheslines and a butt drop. Suddenly, Mike Knox appears and tries to kidnap Hornswoggle. Finlay sees this and puts a stop to it, only to turn around and get hit with Paydirt.
WINNER: Shelton Benjamin.
Knox comes in and kicks Finlay in the face and hits a knee drop, followed by some punches. They then show a hilarious replay of Knox sneaking up on Horny, because with a beard like that, you couldn't sneak up on a blind person without them seeing you.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Yes. Getting kicked in the shin by a pony is just like smoking weed.
We get another replay of Shawn Michaels' wife getting punched. Didn't we see this three times on RAW?
Vickie, Chavo, and Bam are backstage. Chavo wishes he would've been in one of the qualifiers and Bam agrees. Why Vickie didn't put one of her own relatives in one of the matches is beyond me. Everyone is wondering when 'Taker will show up and Chavo is afraid that he might hold a grudge. NAH! You really think so?
Triple H is out to crack bad jokes and make fun of people! Well, to help commentary for the Jeff-Khali match, but you know he'll do that stuff too.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Yeah, you're in a rock band. Problem is, nobody's ever heard of it.
The Great Khali W/ Runjin Singh vs. Jeff Hardy: Championship Scramble Qualifier
Khali shoves Jeff around for a bit until Jeff starts running to avoid him. Khali stops that foolishness with a clothesline.  Usual Khali offense follows (corner stomps, scoop slams, headbutts). Jeff blocks a choke bomb by raking the eyes and goes up top, but Khali throws him off to the outside. Khali tries to pull Jeff back in by his head, but Jeff pulls his arm and it bounces off the ropes. Jeff hits a Twist of Fate and goes to the top rope, but Runjin distracts the ref and Khali locks in the vise grip. Trips knocks Runjin down and goes for a chair, but when Khali tries to stop this, he gets whacked witht the chair while the ref is checking on Jeff. A Whisper in the Wind and a Swanton follow.
WINNER: Jeff Hardy.
NOW Trips decides to deride his Unforgiven opponents, who he simply says he'll beat simply because he's Triple H. Kenny comes out to try and say something, but he gets a Pedigree for his efforts. Welcome back, Kenny! Triple H missed you.
Vickie and the rest of La Familia are in her office. She finishes writing her apology to Undertaker and they start to wheel her out.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Um, yeah. Nothing I haven't seen before.
La Familia is in the ring now and Vickie reads her apology. She calls for a standing ovation as the Undertaker makes his way to the ring VEEEEEERRRRRYYYYYY SSSSLLLLOOOOOWWWWWLLLLLLYYY. Vickie begs 'Taker to forgive her, even getting down on her knees, but UT shuts her up and claims he has come for HER SOUL! The men attack and 'Taker dominates them until Bam hits a shoulder block and everyone gangs up on him.. Chavo goes out and grabs a chair, but it gets kicked into his face. Bam and Chavo get tossed from the ring as the Edgeheads get chokeslammed.
Well, that's it for the Lowdown on Smackdown. Until next week, I'm Shane Steele (unless I get the time machine working. Then I'll see you in THE FUTURE!).


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (08/29/08) 

Good...uh, whatever time it is! I'm Shane Steele and once again, I bring you the Lowdown on Smackdown!
We kick off our show with...The Undertaker? Well, that's uncommon. Trips must've wanted the main event tonight. La Familia watches backstage in Vickie's office. 'Taker takes his usual time getting down to the ring, just to once again say he's coming for Vickie's soul. Then he kneels and the ringposts catch fire. La Familia exits, but when Vickie goes for the door, she finds it to be LOCKED! OH NOES! In addition to watching Vickie go nuts in her office, we'll see Jeff Hardy battle MVP again (with a 100% chance of someone getting kicked in the face) and Shelton Benjamin get buried, er, go 1-on-1 with Triple H!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Competitive bass fishing is lame.
Before his match, we get YET ANOTHER R-Truth promo. Jeez, we just can't get enough of his inspirational story, can we? And after that, we get Kenny ragging on Truth and saying he should be used more. Aw, cheer up Kenny! Triple H loves (to beat on) you!
R-Truth W/ Funky Fresh Moves on his way to the ring vs. Kenny Dykstra
R-Truth starts off with some punches and few turnbuckle smashes, followed by a roll-up attempt. Kenny takes over from there with a clothesline, controlling from that point. R-Truth finally escapes a surfboard and hits a few clotheslines, followed by an insane corkscrew shoulderblock. A corkscrew axe kick gets the win.
WINNER: R-Truth.
Michelle McCool is in the middle of a photo shoot with the hideous Butterfly Belt when Maryse interrupts and says she plans on being champ soon. Why anyone would actually want that stupid belt is beyond me. McCool fires back by saying Maryse has no talent. Ouch. Not holding back here, are we Michelle?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Sorry, but I don't find George Clooney that funny.
Michelle McCool W/ Butterfly Belt and Maria vs. Maryse W/ Crazy Asian Cloak-Thing and Natalya
McCool and Natalya start off. Natalya hits a headlock takedown. McCool escapes and hits a Russian legsweep. From there, she works an armbar. She tags Maria, who tries a roll-up for 2. Natalya hits a scoop slam and misses a leg drop, because only Hulk Hogan can hit such a combination. Natalya tags in Maryse, who beats on Maria for a bit until Maria breaks free and punches Natalya off the apron. She turns around into a Maryse DDT for the win.
WINNERS: Maryse and Natalya.
Post match, Maryse attacks Michelle and Bah Gawd, we've got ourselves a CATFIGHT! Natalya gets in on the fun and she and Maryse flatten Michelle. Michelle McCool on the recieving end of a beatdown? I do believe we've witnessed a miracle.
A quick review of the MVP-Jeff Hardy feud. What is it with MVP trying to prove himself better than Hardys? Who's next, Oliver Hardy?
Eve interviews Jeff, who says he'll beat MVP and become champ at Unforgiven. Has anyone ever noticed Jeff's accent is half-stoner/half-hick? A most unholy combination.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Killers do not have boring names like Joe.
Tazz and JR go over the Scramble rules. Yes, again. Because God knows nobody understands it yet.
Vickie is still trapped in her office. She tries the phone, but it's DEAD!  Has no one in La Familia seen a horror movie? The phone is ALWAYS dead!
Jeff Hardy vs. MVP
Jeff starts off by kicking MVP's ass all over the place for about a solid 10 minutes. Seriously, P's only offense is a leg slam that gets reveresed into a toss into the turnbuckle anyway. Before we go to commericals, Jeff tries to leap over the ropes onto P, but P moves. However, Jeff sees this coming, lands on the apron, and flips onto MVP!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Kid Avengers? What will they think of next?
We return to more MVP getting beat down, only for Hardy to get tossed into the turnbuckle face-first. Hardy gets hung up on the ropes, then kicked off the apron. And there's your guranteed kick to the face!  P slams Jeff into the barrier and rolls him in for 2. P tries to work an abdominal stretch, but Jeff reverses into sorta Celtic Cross. A spinny enziguiri, a corner kick, and a facebuster follow. Jeff goes for the Swanton, but MVP gets his knees up in time to block it. Then he kicks Jeff into the ring post and gets a near fall. P lays Jeff in the corner and kicks him in the back for 2. Then he steps on Jeff's face. A few forearms to the face get 2. A camel clutch is worked until Jeff gets to the ropes. An MVP scoops slam and a knee drop get 2. Jeff tries to fight out a few times, but gets back suplexes and tosses for his efforts. Jeff goes for a Whisper in the Wind, but P clips the leg and Jeff falls on his head. Jeff reverses an attempted top rope back suplex and gets 2. Some clotheslines, a Whisper in the Wind, and a Swanton get the win.
WINNER: Jeff Hardy.
Despite his match later tonight with the all-powerful entity that is Triple H, Shelton Benjamin comes out and hits Paydirt on both men.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Samuel L. Jackson would make one awesome neighbor.
Some Steelers are in the crowd and they all start to beat on a teammate. Brock Lesnar knows all about that.
Josh Matthews, Candice, Batista, and Shelton Benjamin all went to the Democratic National Convention! In a related story, Val Venis went to the Libertarian Convention, but was shocked to find nobody there.
Jesse & Festus vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Hawkins & Ryder (Non-Title Match)
Someone in the audience has a sign that consists of nothing, but Festus's face. What in the sweet name of God could compel them to make such a sign?
Festus goes insane and tosses both Edgeheads from the ring. They look to recuperate outside, but WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW! Yes, Show comes out to beat on both 'Heads and punch Jesse in the face for god measure. Festus escapes by looking dumb outside the ring once the ref calls for the bell.
WINNERS: Um, nobody?
Show's all smiles again and says he's being overlooked. He calls his previous incident an oversight. I think Show's bipolar. Beating up people one minute, then smiling and calling it a mere "oversight"?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Kimbo Slice is proof of evolution. Look at the guy. He looks like an orangutan with a beard.
Victoria vs. Brie Bella
Victoria works a headlock. Brie escapes and hits a monkey flip. Brie dodges a corner charge and the ensuing roll-up gets 2. Victoria catches a crossbody attempt and smashes Brie into her knee. Victoria gets a few shoulders in the corner and a suplex. Standing moonsault gets 2. Victoria kicks Brie out of the ring. Both ladies battle outside the ring. When Victoria and Brie are back in the ring, Brie rolls her up for the win.
WINNER: Brie Bella. Wow. If the crowd was any more dead, the show would've been live from a graveyard.
RAW Rebound. Instead of 4 strong guys beating on CM Punk, we now get 3 strong guys and Rey Mysterio beating on CM Punk. Good call.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Whoa. That vampire is loaded with teeth.
The Brian Kendrick and Ezekiel are reading backstage. Kendrick says his opponents are fools for fighting and that he is studying warfare. Props to Kendrick if he brings an army to Unforgiven and they skewer Triple H. He follows up with something about walking the line between genius and insanity.
A quick Unforgiven rundown. Should the Unsanctioned Match be advertised? I mean, it's not WWE sanctioned!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: That guy has some creepy eyes.
Triple H vs. Shelton Benjamin (Champion vs. Champion Match of Non-Titleness)
Trips works a headlock and an armbar. Benji gets out, gets shoulder blocked, hits a few armdrags, and works and armbar. The previous two spots are repeated, only this time, Trips punches Shelton in the face. Trips fires off some more punches, then works the arm for a bit. A clothesline and a few more armbars follow. Shelton fires back, but it gets reversed into some crazy move that crunches Shelton's arm. More armbar goodness. Shelton gets Trips in the corner and fires off some more punches. Shelton goes up top, but gets kicked in the gut coming down and quickly escapes the Pedigree attempt. COMMERCIALS!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: So, what's the point of multicolored batteries if they all do the same thing?
Shelton is now working the head following a neckbreaker. He continues to do so until missing a corner splash, allowing HHH to hit a clothesline. Shelton tries to escape a corner charge, but gets a powerslam for his efforts. A DDT gets 2. Apparently, HHH's regular moves are so powerful regular people can use them as finishers (see Cody Rhodes, Maryse). Benji misses a clothesline, but hits a big boot for 2. A spinebuster with some SHADES OF ARN ANDERSON follows from Trips. Shelton reverses a Pedigree into a backbreaker, but Trips recovers to hit a facecrusher. Khali and Runjin Singh head for the ring. Trips stares Khali down for a bit before turning around. Shelton nearly hits Paydirt, but Trips ain't havin' none of that and hits The Pedigree for the win.
WINNER: Triple H.
Trips and Khali stare down until Shelton clocks HHH in the back of the head with the US title. Then Khali comes in to hit a chokebomb.
Vickie is still trapped in the office, but now the life goes out and she screams! And it's not "EXCUSE ME!". Could we have witnessed Under-raper?
Well, that ends another (not so) grand edition of Smackdown. Until next week, I'm Shane Steele (unless I take my vacation).


Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).